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BUCK WAS LOUD, BOISTEROUS AND ALL-ENCOMPASSING, which is why when Eddie woke up at 2:43 A.M., the first thing he did was blindly reach out to the right of the bed because something just felt off; he couldn't quite put his finger on it but Eddie woke up feeling like something was wrong. And he was right because the right side of his bed was empty and cold.
He shoots up immediately, eyes blinking as they tried to find Buck's body. He pushes the comforter aside and gets off the bed, wincing as his feet hit the cold wood. He grabs his phone and flicks the light on, Buck's side of the bed was still messy, the pillow strewn on the side as if to make up for the lack of body in the bed. Eddie's heart drops to his stomach when he notices the light to the bathroom is off and Buck's phone is on the nightstand.
He quells his worries and checks Christopher's bedroom, more often than not, if Buck couldn't sleep, Eddie would find him in his room, curled up on the floor with his back facing the door and eyes set on their son. He inhales sharply when he sees Chirs was fast asleep but no sign of Buck. He shuts the door quietly and walks into the living room, but even then Eddie saw no sign of Buck. The lights were off everywhere.
"Buck?" He calls out, "Buck you there?" It's not loud enough to wake Chris but if Buck was nearby he could hear him.
There was no response.
Eddie's heart thumps louder with every step he takes, he unlocks the door, as quiet as he can and check's for Buck's Jeep. It's on the driveway parked behind Eddie's truck. Eddie's knees buckle and he nearly falls to the floor, the only reason he doesn't is that he's standing up against the door frame. He takes a few steps back and closes the door with a soft click.
He pulls his phone out, his thumb hovering over Maddie's contact, should he call her? Now? He changes his mind and dials Athena; he'll call Maddie when he's sure that Buck's missing, again.
"'die?" Her voice is sleep-addled and hoarse, "What happened?"
"Buck," He manages to say, voice almost catching in his throat, "Can't find him."
There's rustling on her end, and she's saying something to Bobby that he can't quite figure out, "Okay, we're coming, stay there," She orders as she cuts the call.
Eddie stumbles towards the sofa, biting back a curse when his toe hits the leg of the coffee table. His leg won't stop bouncing.
Where the hell was Buck?
He bites on his nails, trying to keep his composure because Eddie needs to keep a cool head when Athena inevitably asks questions. He tries to rack his brain for all sorts of relevant information, nothing had been important today, there was no significant date, that he knew of. A part of Eddie was still mad at Buck for not telling him, but a bigger, more understanding part of him, was grateful that Buck did eventually tell them; even if it was vague. There had been no strange incidents at work, nothing out of the usual craziness that comes with working for the LAFD. The only thing that was strange, was, well, Buck.
Eddie couldn't tell what was wrong with Buck, it wasn't even noticeable to everyone else, but Eddie knew his boyfriend like the back of his hand and he knew something was wrong.
His smile wasn't as wide and his laugh wasn't as loud, there was a tenseness around Buck that Eddie had never seen before. It wasn't obvious, but Eddie saw the way he held himself, it was a little too tight around the edges, too smooth, too perfect in a way that wasn't Evan Buckley.
They were coming back from a call, it was one of their more mundane calls today, a mother had slipped and fallen down the stairs. That didn't matter to Eddie, his full attention was on his boyfriend.
"You okay?" He asks, nudging his shoulder.
"'m fine, Eds," He replies, it's too quick for Eddie, almost as if the words were sitting there, ready to jump out at the question.
Eddie quirks an eyebrow in response, "You sure?"
"Yeah, promise." He smiles.
Eddie knows that Buck's lying now, his smile doesn't reach his eyes, they don't crinkle like they usually do.
"Just," He grabs Buck's wrist as he turns to leave, thumbing his vein, "If you're not, you know I'm here for you?"
"Yeah," He places a soft kiss on Eddie's forehead, "I know."
"If you two love birds are done," Hen teases, "There are some chores that are calling your name."
Buck rolls his eyes but jogs towards Hen anyways. Eddie follows suit, still unable to shake the feeling that Buck was being weird.
He's nearly bitten off all his fingernails when there's a soft knock on the door, loud enough for him to hear but not enough to wake up Chris.
"'Thena," He gasps at her, "He wasn't here when I woke up, there was no text or note, nothing, his phone's still here, and so is his jeep."
"Eddie, I need you to calm down," She guides him to the sofa as Bobby flicks the switch.
He blinks, his eyes trying to adjust to the sudden brightness and sits on the sofa, leg bouncing in a way that was reminiscent of Buck.
Athena sits next to him and Bobby disappears into the kitchen.
"Start from the beginning," She tells him, pulling out her phone and opening the notes app.
"I woke up cause something just felt off," He says as Bobby walks back into the living room, a glass of water in his hand that he gives to Eddie, "He wasn't next to me, the bed was empty and cold, so he's been gone for a while. His phone was on the nightstand and his Jeep's outside, he didn't leave a note or a message, or anything."
"Okay," She says, typing it down, "Did anything happen today? Is today a special date? Did anyone come up? Anything unusual?"
"Yeah," He responds and Athena's head snaps up, concern now etched on her face, "He was acting off, I don't know how to explain it, he just was."
She turns to Bobby as if to confirm Eddie's statement. Bobby grimaced, "I didn't think anything was wrong," He admits, eyes downcast, "Everything seemed fine."
She purses her lips, "Okay, I'll make some calls, see if I can pull some strings; he's not with the SEALs anymore right? Not in the reserves?"
Eddie shakes his head, "No, he said that was the last time he was going to go," He explains, scrubbing his hands over his face, "Could you contact his team? Steve and Hondo?"
"I'm not leaving, not again, not ever." Buck promised, voice earnest and eyes pleading.
Eddie believed him, he had no reason not to.
"Never again," Buck said, pressing a kiss to his forehead, "This was a one time thing, I needed to find closure, I won't leave again Eddie. You're stuck with me," Buck pauses, before speaking again, "If you'll have me."
Eddie lets out a wet laugh, it comes out gurgled and light, "Always, Evan. You're stuck with me."
"I don't have their numbers," She answers, "But I'm pretty sure Hondo's would be on file."
"Or," Eddie says, an idea in his head, "We could just call them? Buck left his phone here."
Athena raises her eyebrow, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
While Eddie could act rationally in most situations, this was not one of them; with Buck being weird and closed off today combined with the fact that Eddie's brain is still half asleep, there was no chance of Eddie acting rationally.
He doesn't reply to Athena, instead choosing to go back to their room to get Buck's phone.
He holds it in his hand and for a second the phone feels heavier than it actually is, like the weight of his decision had a physical manifestation. He shakes the thought off and unlocks Buck's phone, ignoring the guilt in his stomach as he presses Steve's number.
It rings three times before a gruff voice answers.
"Kid?"
"It's uh, Eddie," He answers, feeling nervous all of a sudden, "Eddie Diaz, I'm Buck's-" His voice catches in his throat, "Boyfriend."
"Eddie? Why are you calling me from Buck's phone, is everything okay?"
"He's missing, he was acting weird today, and his things are here, but he's not."
There's a sigh on the other side of the line, followed by a shuffle, "Did you check your backyard?"
"What?" Eddie asks, dumbfounded.
"Today, yesterday?" Steve starts, sounding confused, "It was Jay's birthday."
"Oh."
Why hadn't Buck told him?
"He should be in the backyard," He explains, "He's probably fallen asleep or too lost in the stars to hear you."
Eddie walks towards the backyard, ignoring Bobby and Athena's confused looks. The door's slightly open, just barely. He slides it open and walks out, his breath catching in his throat with every step.
"Eddie?" Steve's voice crackles through the speaker.
"He's here," Eddie replies, "I'll call you back later."
"Make sure he's alright."
"I will."
With that the Steve cuts the call, leaving Eddie to deal with Buck.
"Buck?" He calls out as he walks towards the sleeping man.
There's no response.
He kneels by Buck's sleeping figure, and gently taps his arm. "Buck?"
He blinks awake, eyes bleary and swollen. Eddie can see the dried tears on his face and something tugs at him inside.
"Eddie?" He mutters, half asleep, "What?"
"You fell asleep outside," He explains, trying to keep his voice low, "Let's go inside, I don't want you to get sick."
Buck hums in response, "'m sorry, didn't mean to."
"It's okay," Eddie stands up, offering his hand to Buck.
Buck trails behind him as he leads them back into the house.
"Bobby? 'thena?" Buck's confused voice filters into the living room, "What are you doing here?"
"Eddie couldn't find you, so he called us, but since it's all sorted out now, we're heading home," Athena explains, the implication clear in her voice and Buck picks up on it too, his slight flinch betraying his otherwise steady composure, "We'll see you later okay Buckaroo?" she pats his cheek lightly and gives him a small smile.
"Bye Buck," Bobby says as he follows Athena out, giving Buck a quick pat on his back.
They're left alone in the living room and a heavy silence descends on them. Eddie can already feel the guilt oozing out of Buck; there's an expectant look on Buck's face as if he thinks Eddie's going to chew him out. Expect Eddie's in no mood to talk about this, let alone chew Buck out; his whole body feels like it's the frayed end of a rope, and he too tired to put into words what he feels.
"I'm tired, and exhausted; we can talk about this tomorrow after we drop Chris off."
Buck deflates instantly, and there's an air of relief around him and Eddie can't help feel bitter about it. But he doesn't say anything else and walks back into their room, their quiet steps the only noise in the house.
They get into bed, a routine that's usually filled with chatter, mainly Buck sprouting out whatever fact he learned that day and Eddie listening fondly, chiming in whenever he felt like he needed to. This is nothing like that, the tension is thick around them, and a dark cloud hangs over them.
They're stiff next to each other, there's nothing comforting about this; Eddie hates it. So he braves it, inching his pinky closer to Buck's, he loops it around his. Next to him, Buck lets out a shuddering breath.
"I'm so sorry," Buck whispers, tightening his pinky with Eddie's, "I didn't mean to scare you like that."
The again remains unsaid.
"I know," Eddie whispers back, "It just," Eddie pauses, voice catching in his throat, "Fuck," He breathes, steadying himself, "It scared the shit out of me Buck. You can't do that, not again, please."
"I won't," There's so much conviction behind his voice that Eddie almost believes him.
It's too much now, he can't.
"Buck please," He pleads, desperate to stop, he doesn't have it in him to do this right now, not when the he feels so raw and vulnerable.
Buck seems to understand him, and shuffles close to him, pulling him into his chest, "Okay," He concedes, and takes his hand, running it softly through his hair, "We'll talk tomorrow, I love you."
He presses a kiss to his forehead.
"I love you too." It comes out muffled, words softened by Buck's chest.
They fall into a comfortable silence, and soon Eddie feels Buck's breaths even out - and Eddie lets the quiet thrum of Buck's heart to lull him into sleep.
Eddie wakes up to an empty bed, again. Except this time, there was a note left on the ninth stand, he could easily make out Buck's scrawl on the piece of paper.
Gone to drop Chris off, I'll get some breakfast on the way.
Love you Eds
- Buck
He gets up feeling slightly better than before, but he still feels off. He can't quite describe it, just that there's something building up in him and he needs to let go.
Instead of dwelling too much on that feeling, he busies himself with getting ready for the day. He couldn't help but remember what Buck told him once he was back.
The house is quiet. The quiet hum of the A/C echoed throughout, Cap had given both of them the day off and Eddie somehow managed to pry Chris off Buck and send him to school with a promise of letting him spend the rest of the day with Buck.
He settles onto the sofa, sinking into the old leather. He watches the steam rise from his cup of coffee. He sips it slow, letting the bitter taste dance across his tongue before swallowing it. Buck was still asleep; the painkillers had knocked him right out and Eddie was glad that Buck managed to sleep through the night properly. He listens to the muffled snores coming from their bedroom and lets himself savour the moment; the peace, before it all comes crashing down when Buck wakes up.
He doesn't even realise he'd fallen asleep again until he's gently shaken awake.
"C'mon, that's gotta be so uncomfortable," Buck's gentle voice filters through his sleep addled brain.
Eddie grunts in response and sits up, cracking his neck in the process.
"You sleep alright?" He asks, gesturing for Buck to sit next to him.
Buck nods in response, "Yeah, haven't slept that good in a while."
"Good, I'm glad."
Buck gives him a small smile and leans back into the couch.
The cuts on his face are all healed and he looks almost normal. They still haven't talked about it since the everyone had come over that day.
They fall into a silence, but it's not awkward or uncomfortable; just expectant.
Eddie bites the bullet; what he means to say is 'I think we should finally talk about everything, you don't have to tell me about the past, but I think I deserve some sort of explanation', except what comes out is, "We need to talk."
Buck stiffens next to him, and Eddie wants to smack himself.
"I mean not like a 'we need to talk' breakup talk, but a talk about everything that's happened."
Buck's shoulder sags and he lets out a quiet breath, "Yeah," He concedes, looking at the empty coffee mug on the table, "I think we do."
Eddie takes Buck's hand and threads his finger though, giving him a squeeze of support and encouragement.
He doesn't say anything for a couple minutes and Eddie thinks he's sorting out the thoughts in his brain.
"I wanted to apologise to you as soon as I had gotten home," He says, still looking at the empty coffee mug, "Then I thought it would be better if I gave it you in person, so I didn't text you. And then Steve called, told me a case he was working had connected to her, and I just said yes without thinking. All I knew was I wanted revenge."
Eddie squeezes his hand again.
"I realised what I'd done once he cut the call, but I couldn't turn back." Buck's voice catches, it's thick with emotion, "I had to finish what I started. I wanted to kill her."
The admission hangs in the air. Eddie doesn't want to touch it with a 10 foot pole but he does anyway, because he would do anything for Buck.
"And you did."
Buck nods mutely, "I did."
This time Buck squeezes his hand, and Eddie squeezes it back.
"I didn't think I could, not after I spent so long hiding away from that part of me. And then she-" Buck's voice breaks, and Eddie waits, giving him the time he needs, "She threatened you and Chris and I just lost it. All I could think about was killing her so she wouldn't lay a hand on you."
Eddie inhales sharply at that, to know that their life could've been in danger and he wouldn't have been known.
"I'm so sorry," Buck apologies, "I would never have gotten you into it if I knew."
"I know, Buck; I don't blame you."
"But what if-"
"Buck," Eddie interrupts, "You're here now, we're safe, she's not here. That's all that matters."
Eddie is startled out of his thoughts by the sound of the front door opening.
He makes his way to the living room to find Buck toeing off his boots, one hand against the wall while the other holds a white paper bag, their breakfast Eddie assumes.
"Morning," Eddie's voice echoes in the room.
"Morning Eds," Buck gives him a small smile, "I got us breakfast burritos."
"I'll get the plates," Eddie smiles back, because Eddie is still a smitten fool who is very much in love with his best friend.
Buck's taken out the burritos of the bag by the time Eddie comes back into the living room.
They sit in a comfortable silence as they eat.
Buck breaks the silences, "Can we talk about last night?" He asks, placing his half eaten burrito on the table.
Eddie nods, placing his burrito down on his plate before turning to look at Buck.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Eddie asks, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.
"I'm sorry," Buck takes his hand form across the table, they're warm and calloused and Eddie loves them nonetheless, "I should have but I didn't want you to deal with a burden that isn't yours."
Eddie resists the urge to roll his eyes, "I don't care," He says, placing emphasis on each word, "You're my partner Buck, I want to help you whenever I can; however I can."
"I know," Buck placates, "I-" he pauses, taking a second to gather his thoughts, "I also didn't know how to tell you. I've spent so long grieving in my own mind, that I don't know how to tell you. I wanted to but I couldn't bring myself to tell you."
Eddie gives him a rueful smile, "It's not easy to mourn a loved one," He says, "I know how you feel; to mourn someone you love when they've been snatched from you."
"I wanted to tell you so bad," Bucks admits, "But I felt like-"
"Like you were betraying him." Eddie finishes.
Buck nods, eyes filling with tears.
"When I died," Buck says, and Eddie's heart breaks, "I saw you, I didn't see him. I saw you telling me to find you and fuck Eddie; I feel so guilty now."
Eddie doesn't know what to say.
"We were in a forest, like the one I used to go to in Hershey to go look at the stars and you found me Eddie; I love him but I love you and I don't know how to live in a world where I feel so guilty for loving you."
Eddie fights back his own tears as he wipes Buck's.
"I think," Eddie starts, "You can love me and still love him without feeling guilty. I love Shannon, she was my first, and I love you, my last. There are different types of love Buck."
"Sometimes," Buck squeezes his hand, and Eddie squeeze back, "Sometimes, I feel like I love you more than him."
There's a bittersweet feeling in him, but Eddie knows exactly what Buck means.
"I know how you feel, and that it something you live with. Your love will grow, just like mine has for you. But there will be days where you feel hollow, like you're not worthy of the love or that you don't deserve anything good because you got to live and he didn't. You live and you understand that you'e worthy, just like how you remind me when I feel like that. And you'll have good days, and bad days; but you love each."
Buck gives him a smile, one filled with a bittersweet understanding.
"I love you."
He says it like a fact.
"I love you too."
Eddie means it like a fact.