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Chapter Text

He kept looking over his shoulder. Nearly jumping at every shadow. Constantly waiting for his master to emerge and drag him back to hell. Every day that passed he silently counted in his head.

2...3...4...5!

When was the last time he went five whole days without feeling the bite of Cazador's lash? Each night he contemplates this as he lays down on a pallet. Clutching his knife Astarion's eyes dart around the camp waiting for his master's hired goons to spring from the bushes. Surely they were coming for him. Cazador would not let this dalliance stand.

He spends his sleepless nights imagining all the ways he'll be punished. Astarion will be strung up by his ankles and left hanging for days. Cazador will come at intervals and carve flesh from his body laughing at his pet's screams. He can already feel being strapped down as his is taken. Again and again. Finally, master will have executed every conceivable torture and grow bored. Then. Gods then he'll be locked back in that coffin...this time for years. He's practically hyperventilating that first night away from Baldur's Gate and his master.

By morning, however, he sees the sun cresting over the tree tops and it dispels the horrors plaguing his mind. The first true delight he experiences is the overwhelming lack of Cazador in his head. Astarion isn't sure yet but it feels like every order that was ever engrained into his mind has disappeared. Eyeing his companions he wonders what they might taste like.

He's almost giddy the first time sneaks from camp to hunt. Unfortunately he is objectively terrible at it. Still the thrill of simply having an option other than putrefying rat invigorates him.

By his second night of trying he comes across a boar walking lazily in the road. Instinct takes over and Astarion is able to work out the mechanics of lunging, gouging his fangs into the tough flesh of the animal. He doesn't even hear it's squealing as he sucks his fill. Doesn't even notice he's killed the poor thing until he stumbles back.

Laughing. Gods he's laughing. After two hundred miserable fucking years he's finally eaten something by his choice. Sure it was a pig but it was his kill. It sends his mind reeling at the possibilities before him.

When he returns to camp afterwards he can't help but glance at the large form sound asleep by the fire. What would it be like to taste him? In his current state of euphoria he can't help but imagine stalking over and testing his theories against reality.  Tomorrow he vows. When that lug of a man Tav is asleep. He'll try it then.

He's not free. Not really. Astarion is intimately aware that there's still a Gods damn worm in his brain just waiting to take over and turn him into a tentacle monster. It doesn't take much to recognize that he needs these people he's found. The only chance he has of survival is by molding them towards his needs. It doesn't help that with all the goblins crawling over these hills the protection of their de facto leader would go a long way.

Astarion sighs. He's been trying for days to be at his most charming and sultry self but this Tav fellow seems to be cutting right through all his best bullshit. Oh the man plays along. He says all the right things to get Astarion to flirt but they both know it isn't flying. Not really.

It's mostly frustration and annoyance that finally forces Astarion's hand. He can't stand the calm coldness emanating from that man for one more moment. Feeding from him feels like the best revenge for being forced to help every Gods forsaken person they come across.

The plan was perfect. Tav sleeps. Astarion bites.

He's fairly certain his eagerness is what gets him caught. It must have been coming off in waves. Just as he's bending to strike he feels a paw of a hand slap him back making him stumble.

"And just what the hells do you think you're doing?"

The question is calm. Astarion does his best to explain. He makes his voice small and whiney hoping Tav doesn't wake the rest of their travel companions and start lighting the torches right then.

To his utter and absolute shock Tav shrugs.

"Is this something you need Astarion?"

Dumbfounded he doesn't immediately answer. A part of him is starting to seriously question the sanity of their chosen leader and if even the gith might not be better than whatever mind sickness clearly plagues the person before him.

Tav sighs and crosses his arms in boredom. "I imagine it's easier if I lay down?" He asks pointing back at his abandoned pallet.

Astarion nearly chokes on his words trying to pretend like this is definitely something he's done before.

"By all means make yourself comfortable darling." He waves a hand and crouches to his knees as Tav lays back.

The man before him looks gorgeous and Astarion suppresses a gasp as Tav stretches his head back exposing his neck. He pauses there a moment watching the jugular pulse, excitement to have a willing donor making him smile savagely.

Choosing to strike before Tav comes to his senses Astarion sinks his fangs in. He hears his own moan echoed by the man beneath him and feels pure joy. Humanoid blood is nothing compared to the boar and miles away from the rats. He can't help himself as he takes one greedy mouthful after another.

Some part of his brain is dimly aware of Tav's requests for him to stop becoming less and less polite. Eventually he finds himself gripped roughly about the shoulder and rolled on to his back. Tav's body is heavy over him as he's violently shaken from his blood lust.

"I said enough!" Tav growls face inches above him.

"Yes, right sorry. Sorry!" He's still in a fog but Astarion can recognize the danger he's in. Unfortunately it's this moment that he's finally managed to crack their leader's tough exterior and he's ashamed to admit the fear it brings.

"You will never do that without my permission and next time you will listen when I say stop are we clear?"

"Next time?" The words are past Astarion's mouth before he can properly think. There's going to be a next time?

Tav looks at him quizzically, "You're telling me you won't need more blood by the time we reach Baldur's Gate?"

Astarion blinks up at him rapidly trying to process what in the hells is happening right now. He shifts his body under Tav's trying to come up onto his elbows only to freeze when his thigh rubs against the telltale firmness in his donor's pants.

Ah. Now this. This he can work with. This has been bred into him.

Astarion puts on a sly smirk rolling his hip upwards to grind on Tav's erection.

"And what, my handsome companion, might I be able to do for you in return?"

He raises his brow suggestively and attempts to roll his hip again, but is abruptly stopped by a hand on his thigh.

"No. Not like this."

Astarion doesn't think he's ever been so offended in his life. Here he is beautiful and willing, offering payment for services and he's being turned down?

It's as though Tav can sense the indignation coursing through the vampire. He has the gull to laugh. Laugh!

Tav leans close just then. Astarion instinctively backs his head away until it hits the ground behind him.

"Oh I'll have you. Don't you worry for a moment about that. But it will be on my terms, when it doesn't feel like payment to you."

With that he lifts off him completely and rolls onto his bed giving the stunned Astarion his back.

And so it continues like that. Each night Astarion goes to war with his mind. Each night trying to convince himself that he's never asking that bastard man for another thing. But then like clockwork he caves and sits before Tav's bedroll as soon as the others have gone to sleep.

He isn't prepared for the smile Tav gives him every time. The man just sits there and waits letting Astarion work through his feelings on it until he finally breaks.

"Can I please drink from you tonight?" It's said through gritted teeth but with practice he finds it's getting easier.

"Is that what you would like Astarion? Would that make you feel satisfied?"

Breath comes out of him in a gust the first time Tav asked this and then laid there patiently waiting for an answer. What he wanted? When was the last time anyone asked him what he wanted and truly meant it? Despite everything. Despite all the horrors of his life, he can tell, Tav means this.

"Yes Tav. I want this."

His only response is to smile knowingly and lay back fully waiting for Astarion to strike. He's gotten much more gentle since his first bumbling try. He no longer savages Tav's neck as badly and he always jerks away after the first pressure he feels pushing on him to stop.

Manners. Apparently he could still learn some.

Sheep that are clearly not sheep. He'd laugh at the absurdity if he wasn't currently dodging a knife from these fowl swamp creatures. Honestly finding this damned girl the hag stole can't be worth any amount of gold.

These distracting thoughts are why he isn't prepared as they come around a bend and run straight into a Gods damn Gur. He's thinking as fast as he can not even paying attention to what Tav is saying. Looking for easy exits when the hunter finally says something to freeze Astarion in his tracks.

"I'm looking for a vampire actually. His name is Astarion. Any leads on the fellow?"

Fuck.

Of course Tav just stands there considering. Their eyes finally meet and of course Tav's eyes are as calm and calculating as ever. Great he's going to get a bounty from this fucking hunter first-

"We kill the Gur."

What?

Astarion doesn't think just follows after Tav knifes slicing forward not believing or understanding what is happening in this moment.

When it's finished Tav checks the man's pockets collecting a meager coin purse.

Astarion approaches him still dazed at how quickly the man has dispatched an innocent.

"What the hells was that about?"

Tav looks up from his crouched position considering. "That hunter was hired by the man that called himself your master was he not?"

Almost rendered speechless by Cazador being referred to that way Astarion simply nodded his head.

"Well he wasn't getting you and I couldn't leave him alive to report back. Simple."

"Oh sure. So obviously simple." Astarion's drawing sarcasm only earned him an eye roll.

Tav stood already heading to his next objective without another word. What was he supposed to do other than follow the mad man?

The smell of goblin was never going to get out of his clothes. How many had he killed? More than he had ever before that's for sure. Astarion's eyes scanned the tiefling party looking for the burly man he couldn't keep out of his head. He was finally out from under Cazador's thumb and all he could think of was getting on his back again. He needed to secure Tav's favor. He thought he might have had it with the Gur but they frustratingly had barely spoken since. How was he supposed to manipulate him under these conditions?

There was an unexpected hand on Astarion's shoulder coming from behind his left side. He whipped around and nearly spilt his wine in the process.

"Looking for someone?" Tav's voice dripped with confidence.

"Oh hello darling I just found exactly what I want actually."

Tav's smile was back as he reached out and took the wine from Astarion's hand. "Is that right?"

Blessedly it took so little to convince the man to accompany him further into the woods for a late night tryst. Astarion's skin was practically buzzing with anticipation when Tav easily acquiesced.

Later into the evening Astarion caught from the corner of his eye Tav slipping away towards the thick pine grove. He took in a deep breath. Show time.

He'd like to say it all went to plan. Gods when was he going to learn that nothing went the way it should when this insufferable man was involved?

Astarion had broken from the trees having discarded his shirt and already loosened his pant laces. He wasn't at all expecting Tav to meet his progression into the clearing. He felt himself being picked up by lean arms and brought forward that Astarion had no choice but to wrap his legs around Tav's torso.

The first brush of Tav's lips was not gentle. It was probably payback for all the times Astarion had used his neck as a chew toy he imagined. He didn't even try to keep up. He let Tav consume his mouth in whatever way he wanted bruising his lips with the intensity.

A low moan escaped him as his ass was gripped giving Tav all the access he needed to start delving deeper into his mouth. Tonight was going to be rough and he quickly started to mentally prepare for what that would mean. Thank Gods he'd thought to put lubricant into his pocket.

The kiss continued Tav ravaging at his mouth as he tried to keep up. This is what Tav wanted. He wanted to consume Astarion. Wanted to feel like a strong man able to throw a vampire around. This wouldn't be the first time he played this game with a lover.

Astarion started to grind at the torso in front of him making mewling noises from the back of his throat.

"Stop that."

Mid grind he stopped and broke slightly from the kiss.

"Pardon?"

Tav looked into his eyes clearly searching for something. He must have found it because he nodded once to himself and then bent to place Astarion on his back in the grass.

"Pants off."

Fabulous. Maybe they could be done here in time for Astarion to steal another bottle of wine and get drunk enough to forget.

"With pleasure darling."

The laces he had already loosened came away with ease. He put on his most sensual smile as he dragged his pants down fully. Tav was crouched over him fixated on the body that was slowly being revealed.

"Flip over. On your hands and knees."

Without hesitation Astarion complied. He had plenty of domineering lovers in his time. He knew how to take a command.

"You'll find lubricant in my pants dearest. I had thought you might not be able to resist my body." He said it with all the cheek and bravado he possessed but quickly started to panic at Tav's next words.

"Hm, don't think I'll need it honestly."

"Don't think you'll what-" Astarion had made to start getting up. He was not getting dry fucked tonight, but firm hands on his back kept him in place.

"Stay still." A sharp slap to his buttock punctuated the words.

Well hells apparently he was getting dry fucked in the woods tonight.

As he crouched there on his hands and knees he thought of everything he could have done differently. This was necessary however. Securing his place under Tav's protection was vital to his survival right now. He heard a quick spit sound from behind him and tried not to wince at what was to come.

Astarion nearly collapsed when instead of a rough intrusion he felt a warm hand on his cock start to pump up and down. The grip was loose but wonderful. Just enough pressure to feel the callouses on Tavs fingers.

Nothing could have prepared him for gentleness in Tav's touch. He felt another hand come up and rest on his hip idly moving in patterns he couldn't recognize.

There kept being an expectation that Tav would speed up. That at some point he would get bored of trying to pretend he actually cared about Astarion's pleasure and finally move on to fucking him. He stayed there on his hand and knees for what felt like forever continuing to take in the feel of Tav's hand as it slid up and down his cock in rhythmic motions. He stayed on that edge of anticipation for so long he began to pant. But still it continued. Stroke after stroke he lost most of his confidence that he was still in control of this interaction.

"For Gods sake just fuck me already." He growled out his brain beginning to fog at the feel of that methodical hand gripping his cock.

"Is that what you want Astarion?" Came the reply from behind him.

Was he serious? Did he want him to beg? Gods he didn't want to beg. But he would if it meant completing the task.

"Please Tav will you fuck me?"

He could practically hear the consideration that can from behind him.

"You know Astarion I think you truly believe you're such a good liar. I think you'd do anything right now if it meant survival." And still that hand moved never stopping or slowing. "I think that right now you're hoping I take from you so that you don't feel like you owe me in the morning."

Astarion gritted his teeth trying to thrust his hips back. He wasn't sure if he was trying to dislodge Tav's hand from his cock completely or to shove his ass closer to the goal he needed.

The hand that had been lazily resting at his hip gripped harder and kept him in place however.

"I want to give you something Astarion. And I'm not going to ask for anything in return. Do you hear me?" That damned incessant hand kept the course although just marginally tighter. Still not enough to push him towards release but there causing pleasure none the less.

"Would you like that Astarion?"

Stunned as he was Astarion found himself nodding. What was the harm indulging in what Tav had to offer. He'd just work twice as hard at his next opportunity.

"Yes." Came his breathy reply.

"Good boy."

With that Tav stopped holding back. He more firmly held Astarion's cock quickening the pace with which he moved.

Astarion was settling in for a simple handjob and nearly bucked at the first feel of a wet tongue at his entrance. Mind scrambling he tried to brace as Tav started his worship. And what else could it be called when his hot mouth moved over him like that?

Astarion had never once been on the receiving end of this. He could remember countless times his master had made for him to kneel naked under a desk while Cazador received the various nobles of his court. He'd be there for hours with Cazador's cock in his mouth simply warming it. Then as the night's business finally drew to a close he would be commanded to crawl down the hallway to his master's room. Cazador would be waiting there looking bored as Astarion was made to lick every inch of that bastard's body.

The memories threatened to overwhelm him but the tightening rhythmic grip on his cock just barely kept him in his own skin.

Tav was relentless. Never stopping for a moment. Never giving Astarion a break as he bent lower capturing each of his balls in his mouth in turn.

It took Astarion a moment to realize he was moaning with abandon. Glorifying in the feel of every touch.

It was too much. He wasn't going to last.

With one final groan he came, shaking through it the whole way.

Astarion eased down from his high only to realize Tav clearly had no intention of stopping. His hand never paused even after all of Astarion's orgasm was spent. He squirmed trying to stop the over sensitive flesh from being touched.

"Tav Gods please. I- Tav- I can't-" each word came out as a strangled pant as he rapidly lost control of his ability to string words together.

"Tell me Astarion. Tell me what you want."

Mustering mental strength he found the ability to breathe out his next words. "Please Tav. Please stop."

Instantly when he uttered stop the hands and mouth left him. He cried out both from relief and loss unsure where his desire was anymore.

Arms wrapped around him from behind lifting Astarion to sit in Tav's lap. He could feel the rock hard cock underneath his ass, separated only by the pants Tav managed to never take off.

"I can- Tav I can for you." The words came out slurred and muffled spoken softly against Tav's chest as he tried to shift.

He felt the chuckle as it rumbled through his companion while being squeezed tighter. "No dear one, I think you're going to be asleep in seconds."

Astarion thought to protest but his body felt so heavy and sated. His eyes fell closed as he contemplated his last thought before succumbing to sleep.

Tomorrow. He'd balance the scales tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Dawn broke over the trees bathing the world in warmth and light. Having little use for sleep, Astarion watched it crest over the forest as it slowly creeped into the small clearing he and Tav occupied. He looked over at the soundly sleeping person beside him. The man slept as though they weren't wadding through an epic pile of shit since being taken by the mind flayers. Tav's brows looked completely unburdened. His breathing slow and even with just the slightest hint of a snore. Astarion had half a mind to tease Tav about it later.

It was a shock to catch himself smiling at the sight. Looking down his naked body, he shook his head and couldn't help but sigh. Did this even count as another notch in the proverbial bed post? Despite Tav's obvious sated appearance there was a sinking feeling that it didn't count. Slowly extricating himself as to not wake his night time companion, Astarion stood and walked a few paces forward. He stopped in a perfect beam of sunlight stretching his arms wide to absorb as much of it as he could.

Astarion had been painstakingly taught through blood and tears that only hell existed. In this moment, however, he couldn't help but wonder if this was what heaven might feel like. He closed his eyes simply drinking in the warmth that surrounded him.

There's was a rustling from behind as Tav stirred, clearly more of a light sleeper than his relaxed posture would lead one to believe. Astarion barred his teeth frustrated at losing the peace of the moment. Just as quickly he schooled his features though, ready to deal with the consequences from last night. To his surprise Tav didn't comment on his lack of performance, only asked about the wretched scars on his back.

It was a bitter memory. Made no less fresh in his mind despite the time that had passed since the making of those marks. Some nights when he closed his eyes and went into a trance he could still feel it. Every swipe of that bloody blade. Hear his screams of agony that sounded broken even to his own ears. He would never forget the horror that went from his mind down into his body the moment Cazador tsk'd and said in a bored tone that Astarion had moved too much. That he would need to start the entire process over again.  By the end Astarion didn't have a voice, only capable of high pitched keening. What was left of his mind retreated as far into his psyche as it could trying to block out the way Cazador lazily fondled him in between knife cuts.

It had taken all night.

"It's a poem. A gift from Cazador. He considered himself quite the artist and used his slaves as a canvas." The words were said casually. For truly when your body has bared witness to every cruelty imaginable what is one more event in a long line of them? At least that's what Astarion told himself. In reality it didn't take much to fall into the feeling of when those scars were made. That particular evening always felt closer to the surface than any of the others he had suffered. It scared him sometimes just how easy it was to relive each moment. Like his subconscious somehow wanted it.

"He composed and carved that one over the course of a night." Astarion paused meaning to stop there but couldn't help whispering, "He made a lot of revisions as he went."

Standing to join him, Tav kept silent taking in each ridge of scar tissue before his eyes. He reached out a hand to the exposed back but hesitated.

"May I touch you?" It was spoken plainly without any ounce of pity. Astarion knew he would have walked right back to camp without a backwards glance if there had been. Looking back over his shoulder he made eye contact and gave a brief nod turning his head away immediately.

The hand that reached out to touch him felt like an electric shock. It was warm and expected, but just the same Astarion couldn't help his sharp exhale of breath. No one had ever asked him about his scars. No that wasn't true. Sometimes a mark would sneer and say what a pity it was that he's such used goods. Or worse they'd take one look and treat him like some broken thing only they could love. Jokes on them.

Soft and gentle Tav's hand grasped at his shoulder. It didn't move, just hung there in reassurance. Astarion didn't know what to make of it. It wasn't sexual. It was an offering of comfort he didn't know how to make use of.

Feeling overwhelmed he stepped forward breaking the contact. He absolutely ignored the pang of loss he felt in doing so. Turning to face the other man he took in Tav's open and considering gaze.

"Oh don't give me that look Tav," Rolling his eyes hoping for nonchalance. "I was once the property of the most sadistic person in all of Faerûn. And now I am not." He tried to give the last sentence the finality he wished was there.

"No." Tav spoke softly, "No you are not."

Traveling along the mountainous paths of the Sword Coast gives one just a little too much time to think in Astarion's opinion. The day was hot and his armor felt like lead molded to his body. He chanced a glance at their fearless leader as he trudged along. They hadn't said much since their late night tryst at the tiefling party. Simple quips here and there but nothing as significant as talking about Astarion's woeful past. Despite that, the energy between them felt lighter. Like there was a new bond forming if only they'd give it sustenance.

It was so completely foreign of a concept to him. The only bonds he had known for the last 200 years had been that of master and slave or vampire to hapless mark. He scarcely even wanted to label whatever relationship there was between himself and the other spawn as something like a bond. Shared brutal trauma did not a healthy friendship make. Gods, he was so out of his depth he would have laughed if it didn't scare him so much. Control. He needed better control of this situation.

Huffing as the road evened out again, Astarion took out his newest blade acquired during the eradication of the goblins. Tav had looted it off a body looking quite proud of himself when he presented it to Astarion to use. It felt like a trap. Every nice word. Every thoughtful consideration. It was nauseating. He needed to keep his one real goal in his mind. Manipulate Tav into keeping Astarion alive long enough to get this damn parasite out of his brain. Maybe if he was lucky, he'd even convince the man to help him tear his former master limb from limb. Looking down at the sword in his hands his smile became feral at the prospect of that.

"Should I be concerned?" Broken from his thoughts, Astarion looked up at the question.

"What, darling?"

Crossing his arms Tav raised an eyebrow at the steel in Astarion's hands.

"Ah. Yes well one can never be too ready, my dear." He put on his most dashing smile placing the sword back in its sheath.

Tav snorted satisfied with the answer turning to the rest of their party. "I guess it's time we saw this mountain pass and the githyanki crèche then. Who knows maybe there really is a cure."

Astarion rolled his eyes, but followed the man none the less. Bringing up the rear he couldn't help but smirk as they climbed yet another another hill. At least the backside of Tav made for a lovely addition to the scenery.

Fucking githyanki.

He'd never seen so many in one place before and it was making his skin crawl. Maybe it was a bit hypocritical to judge an entire race like this, but if one more small nosed asshole made a snide remark to Tav he was going to start sheathing his blades in people's abdomens. Of course his manic energy didn't go unnoticed.

"Honestly Astarion it's not that bad."

A haughty arch of the eyebrow was his only reply.

It could be worse he supposed. So far they had avoided making the githyanki outright hostile. Admittedly, what lay ahead of them was somehow more anxiety inducing than taking on an entire crèche. Tav had somehow gotten it into his head that they should explore the nearby monastery. The closer it loomed the more dread filled him. Just before the entrance he finally stopped refusing to go any further.

"Tav darling, you do remember I'm a vampire, yes? Monastic buildings have not exactly been my forte as of late." He eyed the stone walls skeptically. Avoiding burning by holy ground was usually at the top of his priorities.

Walking back to Astarion, Tav gave an almost mischievous smile, "And what if I made it worth your while?"

He grabbed Astarion by the hand gently pulling forward, "What if I find some dark corner to defile you in?"

Rolling his eyes Astarion let himself be led. There was still a moment of hesitation, but when nothing happened as they crossed the threshold Astarion felt a wicked grin coming on.

"I will absolutely be holding you to that promise, lover."

If only it hadn't been all drunk kobolds and dull puzzles. Honestly he was bored after the first hour Gale and Tav stood in front of a bunch of statues arguing the merits of different solutions. Quietly, he slipped away unnoticed into an adjacent room. Someone at least should be looking for extra loot. He was bent over a chest reaching into a false bottom when a pair of hands grabbed him from behind thrusting him backwards.

He let out a soft grunt as his back suddenly became flush with Tav's chest.

There was pressure at the back of his neck in the form of a kiss, "Sneaking off?"

Arms snaked around his front pinning him place. With embarrassingly little strength Tav pivoted Astarion's body so he was pressed against one of the cold stone walls.

Looking over his shoulder Astarion started to squirm, "What the hells man! We're right in the middle of mission there's no time."

Clever fingers started to move across Astarion's chest. It was sensual yes, but mainly reenforcing the feel of the grip he was in.

"I told them to take a short rest and we'll regroup on the puzzle with a fresher mind." This was murmured into Astarion's neck as Tav started to kiss and suck at the flesh.

Astarion's reply was annoyingly breathy to his own ears, "How lovely but you're forgetting the minor detail that everyone else are only just outside that door."

"You should probably try to keep quiet then." The words were emphasized by a long roll of Tav's hips forward pushing their bodies even harder together.

Keeping his right hand in place, Tav moved his left slowly down Astarion's arm until he captured the wrist. With a firm pull he brought it above the vampire's head resting the palm against the stone.

"Stay." The command was simple and oh so easy to obey.

Sliding his hand back down, Tav gripped the hair at the base of Astarion's skull and used the leverage to turn his head to look back over his right shoulder. It was barely a moment before Tav's lips descended crashing them together. The kiss was messy and unrefined and glorious. There was a hunger there that felt like being consumed. As soon as he had access, Tav's tongue was relentless. He seemed content to hold Astarion there taking each breath directly from his mouth.

While continuing his bruising kisses Tav slid his right hand down to rest on Astarion's pants directly over his groin. He felt himself being squeezed achingly slow then released. Only to be squeezed again. Then came the thrusts of Tav's hips from behind at erratic intervals. He was trapped in every way, bracing himself against the wall as he was held there.

Tav took his sweet time knowing exactly how to ramp Astarion up. Finally, the touch at his groin became more consistent but it wasn't enough. He broke from the kiss looking back up through his lashes. Astarion might not have been able to look in a mirror for some time but he knew how to be sultry.

"Please," He moaned.

Tav smiled dipping down to capture his lips once more, "As you wish."

That wicked hand slipped easily up and under Astarion's pants finally gripping his cock properly. The space was tight but satisfying. He slowly started to feel it as Tav pumped at his length all the while thrusting from behind.

It felt a little silly honestly. There they were humping like lusty teenagers while their companions waited outside. If he'd had the presence of mind to do so he would have laughed. Gods when is the last fucking time he had ever wanted to laugh during sex? Had he ever? Maybe in his life before being turned there had been some doe eyed lover that made him feel joy like this. If they had existed the memory was long ago wrenched from him. Just one more thing lost to the cage Cazador built around him.

Tav was breathing hard behind him. The man was having to break away from kissing with increased frequency to groan his pleasure. So much for being discreet. To his credit, however, Tav didn't once falter in his continued pumping of the cock held in his hand. Astarion was beginning to realize just how sexy single minded determination looked on his lover.

They were just spiraling closer to a mutual finish when they heard an enormous crash and shouting from the other room.

Astarion jolted out of his pleasure. Still half in a haze he ended up knocking his head back into Tav's nose causing them both pain. With a curse Tav extricated himself, but held on to Astarion's hips to keep the vampire from losing his balance. There was a shared look of devastation at the moment they lost. How many more stolen opportunities would they possibly get on a journey this dangerous?

Kissing the top of Astarion's forehead, Tav stepped away. The man tried to adjust his pants around an obvious erection as best he could. With an exasperated sigh he stomped toward the door cursing impatient wizards under his breath. Flinging the door open with probably more force than necessary he stormed into the hallway.

Astarion slumped against the stone wall trying to collect himself. Chuckling he thought of the furious look on Tav's face as he stalked away and how much he wouldn't want to be Gale right then. Fuck again with the laughing. What the hells was wrong with him?

Making himself as presentable as possible he strode through the door.

"Alright what has the wizard gotten us into now?"

Chapter Text

Death by exploding mushroom was not how Astarion pictured his life ending. Uncontrollably laughing while being flung to his death? That certainly hadn't been in the plan either.

They had just gotten into the Underdark by way of the Selûne outpost. He had actually been in a good mood when they arrived. There was something especially fun about teasing Shadowheart she was going to be struck down any minute for trespassing. The poor cleric practically blanched at the shining gate guardian statue as they passed. Astarion thought this might be the best place he'd been dragged to yet on their little adventure. At least it might have been. That was right up until the moment he climbed a rock formation head first into fiery exploding bloody mushrooms. As if the insult of being flung off a cliff wasn't enough, he breathed in some of those damned laughing mushroom spores on his way down. He didn't have long to contemplate the decisions leading up to this embarrassing demise, however. Two quick hands reached out with a yank on his arm wrenching him away from the chasm below. Bouncing off the sharper edges of the rock face with a shout, Astarion looked up to see Tav nearly falling off himself. The man was being fully held in place by Karlach's arms around his middle. They hung there like a train of idiots for a few moments all the while Astarion's laughing continued to fill what would otherwise have surely been horrified silence. He had almost died and Tav, the dunce, had launched after him without thinking. The entire situation was absurd.

"There's exploding mushrooms up there," He said as the laughter finally subsided.

"Yes thank you I see that now," Tav nearly growled back. Karlach's muscles worked overtime as she braced enough to allow Astarion to get a grip of the rocks next to his rescuer.

"You always do take me to the most interesting places, darling."

Tav rolled his eyes, "I did offer to go first."

They were more cautious after that and while safer, it was much slower going. Astarion had heard of the Underdark before of course but no one had ever impressed upon him how easy it was to get lost. It was a place of twisting paths and dark secrets at every turn. Not one to let a near death experience dampen his mood, Astarion was content to follow Tav to every corner of this mysterious place.

"What do you suppose this was?"

Startled out of his reverie Astarion looked down from where he stood above Tav. The man was crouched down next to a pile of dirt, shovel tossed causally to the side. There was a small headstone just before them. The epitaph wasn't a script he recognized.

"What in the hells are you doing?"

Tav shrugged getting back to his feet with a groan, "Don't know. I just felt like I'd find something useful."

He reached out and handed Astarion the object he had been referring to earlier. It was a heavy strap, soft and pliable under his fingers. There was a small charm hanging from the center.

"Why does this look like it would belong on Scratch?" The vampire quipped with a raised brow.

Tav's eyes lit up realizing Astarion was right. It looked very much like a dog collar. He took it back adopting an entirely too mischievous grin on his face. Closing the distance between them with slow determined steps Tav brought the necklace up to Astarion's throat. He made direct piercing eye contact as his hands met behind Astarion's neck fumbling with clasp. It felt far more intense than it had any right to be. After successfully securing the collar Tav rested his hands at the base of Astarion's skull. He threaded his hands through the fine hairs there pulling their faces closer together. Captured by the moment Astarion wasn't at all prepared for Tav to stop, their lips millimeters apart, and whisper.

"Who's my good boy?"

Barking a laugh Astarion went to stumble back, but was stopped by one of Tav's fingers catching under the leather. The bite of the material into his neck stole his breath. Tav smiled wickedly. Astarion could swear that look said he was an open book and his lover wanted to read every salacious page. The spell was broken when Tav finally pulled away, but not before one final tug at the new accessory. Maintaining eye contact, Tav shouted over his shoulder to the group at large that they would be camping here for the night.

Was it an E? No it wasn't quite the right shape. Maybe an F? Gods it was hopeless. Astarion stood in front of his tent arms bent at uncomfortable right angles trying to feel over the ridges of his scars. He had purposefully chosen a more secluded spot in camp that evening in hopes of sating his curiosity. It was a desperate attempt to determine the words etched there. It was his bloody skin! If anyone should have a right to know what it said it was him.

Ever since his night in the grove with Tav the meaning of his scars had itched at his mind. What poem could be so important that Cazador would allow it to permanently mar his flesh? It wasn't until then that he really considered how odd it was. Cazador loved to torture him and no technique had been too vile or off limits. But for all that his former master was a monster, he was meticulous at ensuring nothing would permanently change Astarion's beauty.

Trying to reach further towards his shoulders he grunted at the effort coming away with even less understanding of what that section might say. He hadn't heard Tav approach until the man spoke.

"Want help?"

It was a simple offer. Not intrusive. Not demanding. It had no right to grind so hard into Astarion's annoyance. He was usually better at hiding his frustration behind a mask for his newest lover.

Whipping around to face the man he had a sharp retort ready. He didn't need anyone's help. Especially not from some shiny do gooder. Astarion refused to feel like a dark stain on the world that Tav needed to fix. It died on his lips when he saw the look on the other man's face. So open and sincere. It was disgusting honestly. It certainly didn't belong in any reality Astarion had gotten used to.

It felt nearly unbearable to admit to Tav his interest in the scars and his embarrassment at not being able to see them for himself. Outside of feeding, Astarion did try to limit just how much he reminded the man he was a vampire. There might be enough trust between them that he didn't worry too much over Tav trying to put a stake in him most days, but it never hurt to lead with caution when one was a monster.

It didn't surprise him in the least when Tav offered assistance right away. Even insisting it wasn't Tav's problem, Astarion still found himself sat in front of the man facing away while listening to furious scribes in the dirt. Occasionally, Astarion would feel light brushes of fingers over the raised skin as Tav copied a particularly intricate detail. It took everything he had to not squirm under the intense scrutiny.

Body tight with suppressed movement  Astarion exhaled as he finally turned back to  Tav. The man's face was considering while observing the lines he had just drawn on the ground.

"It's Infernal. The language of the hells," He looked up regret in his eyes, "I can't read it though."

Sitting in silence Astarion stared unblinking at the script before him. Two hundred years carrying the burden of these scars and only just now was he able to see them. He knew there should be resentment that it had taken trusting another person to accomplish this goal. It still chaffed to allow someone this close, but he found the knee jerk reaction of annoyance to Tav's kindness fading away. The hollow imperative in his mind that always wanted to conceal his true thoughts retreated.

"This is definitely not a poem," Astarion remarked mostly to himself.

A hand reached across squeezing his with gentle reassurance, "We'll figure it out. I promise."

Hope bloomed in his chest momentarily but was quickly snuffed out by practicality. Gods Tav was such a bleeding heart. One of these days it was going to get Astarion killed.

Chapter Text

It was hard to say exactly what one should expect from a place called the Shadow Cursed Lands. The name was ominous, pulling at the psyche before anyone ever stepped foot into its dark embrace. Nothing good could come of a place like this. The air was thick and oppressive drowning them with each breath. It was the darkness that scratched at their minds the most, however, sharp nails looking for any way in. It became a living thing reaching out to taste them.

Subconsciously the party found themselves drifting closer together as they walked creating a tight formation. Nerves scraped raw, Astarion instinctively unsheathed his blades. He slipped in next to Tav's unprotected side as the man held their torch. His mind felt sticky, reflexes slowed. Eyeing the meager light they had, he swiveled his head back and forth trying to keep an ambush from happening despite his dulled senses. Somehow he didn't think the parasite could save them from whatever madness lived in this fog and he had no intention of testing it.

"Darling, I wouldn't dream to tell you how to lead, but might we pick up the pace in finding this Harper inn?"

"I know. I feel it too," Tav used his off hand to briefly brush his palm along Astarion's side. It was wrong just how comforting that simple touch was.

Finally, after a tension fraught walk they came upon the Last Light Inn. As soon as they crossed the barrier Astarion was blasted with the reminder of what clear atmosphere felt like. None of them realized just how heavy their bodies had felt until passing the threshold back into normalcy.

Stretching to loosen some of the anxiety that had creeped into his bones, Astarion observed Tav speaking with the Harper leader. More and more lately he had become increasingly frustrated with the man's choices. It was almost predictable the moment Tav offered all of them up in service to some new plight. The vampire didn't even bother to stick around to hear the reason he would be risking his hide this time. No, right now all he cared about was securing somewhere for Tav to sleep and whatever passed for wine in this hovel. What he really needed was to feed. He could feel his hunger combined with the stressful traveling make him snappish.

Crossing to the inn's entrance he was surprised to find it warmly lit with comfortable looking seating around a large central open kitchen. Passing coin to the barkeep he managed to get both a room and food prepared for when Tav eventually joined him. He tried not to linger on his unconscious choice to pick something with high iron knowing Tav would be bloodless by morning. Caring for someone else's wellbeing was the most foreign concept he'd ever encountered. On principle he wanted to reject the very notion that he actually cared for Tav. Evidence to the contrary, however, was making it harder to ignore with each passing day they spent together. Even the simplest consideration from Astarion seemed to warm Tav further towards him.

Idly he sought out the majestic looking cat in the adjacent room while he waited on Tav's food. There was something simple about cats. They were perfect, inherently selfish creatures who bent to no one's will. Crouching to pet the fine beast he contemplated how to move forward with these new budding revaluations. Like most things that scared him, he thought the best course might be to just shove it down as deeply as possible and try to dissociate from feeling it. After centuries under Cazador's ownership he was more than proficient at it.

Coming out of his reverie Astarion felt Tav's calm presence waiting behind him. With one final pet to the feline he stood with a groan. How long had he spent hunched over thinking about what he could never have?

"I'm dead on my feet. I asked the barkeep to just send the food up to my room. I think everyone else is doing the same." Tav paused as if taking in the look on Astarion's face and suddenly became unsure. Still, he reached out a hand between them, "Care to join me?"

Pasting a smirk over his features, Astarion took the offering, "Of course, my dear. I do rather like to have my own dinner in private." The words were practically a purr from his lips.

Tav tugged on their clasped hands leading him up the nearby stairs, "Might as well take care of you while we wait then."

How could he say that so causally? Tav always made it sound like taking care of Astarion was simple and expected. Never leaving room to question motives. It could be maddening for a vampire that had become so unaccustomed to anything as trivial as gentleness.

The allotted room was sparse but comfortable.  Neither of them spoke as they made a perfunctory task of stripping their cloths off. It wasn't sexual, not even a hint of foreplay. If Astarion had any interest in honestly examining things, he might admit just how much that was starting to worry him. Ignoring the sick feeling that was churning within him, he laid down on the bed stretching out on his side. His lover joined soon after nestling their chests close together.

Closing his eyes, head lolling to the side to rest on Astarion's shoulder, Tav lazily exposed his neck, "All your's."

Astarion hesitated sneaking a moment to take in the trust Tav just causally placed at his feet every time they did this. It never made sense, but he wasn't about to turn away the gift he was presented. Winding his arms securely around Tav's torso he struck sinking his fangs deep into the flesh before him. Tav moaned wrapping his legs around the vampire pulling himself as close as possible. Their cocks brushed against each other but neither made a move to push things further.

Astarion drank in slow deep mouthfuls taking his time to savor the meal. He rubbed circles into Tav's back soothing the pain of his bite away as best he could. They both sunk into the embrace trying their best to occupy the same space.

Hunger sated, Astarion pulled back surprised when Tav hadn't tapped him yet to stop. Shock swept over his face as he registered Tav's sleeping form beside him. The man looked so peaceful. Reaching up with gentle fingers Astarion brushed away a stray lock of hair that had fallen over his lover's forehead.

Something deep broke in Astarion at that moment. With stunning horror he sunk into the realization that every defense he'd ever built was useless against this man.

Can you even call it dawn if the sky never actually changes? It was the latest philosophical question Astarion distracted himself with as they prepared to set out from the inn. He felt wrecked. Bile rose in his throat every time he thought about last night's revelation. True affection. If something didn't change soon he'd find himself hopelessly in love with Tav.

Where the fuck had his plan gone wrong? What the hells was he thinking leaving himself vulnerable to a creature as mundane as a human man. It was disgusting how much his body vibrated at the thought of Tav being his. Truly his.

But what if it was rejected? What if he finally told Tav the truth and he didn't accept the twisted form of love that Astarion was capable of? What if Tav wasn't willing to wait for him to figure out the traumas of his past?

The man in question was deep in conversation with Isobel, but still searched the room seeking out Astarion. There was a smile tugging at the corner of Tav's lips that quickly turned to a frown. His eyes tracked the vampire as Astarion sulked from the inn headed to the stables.

Astarion knew himself. He wasn't ready. Wasn't sure he would ever be ready. He was all too familiar with each disgusting moment of his miserable existence. Every sin he'd ever committed had been weighed in his head last night as Tav slept. There was only one conclusion that felt balanced when measured against his many transgressions. Nothing he ever did in this life was going to make him worthy of love, especially not Tav's. The lying, the stealing, the killing. He had let Cazador damage his soul so far beyond repair there was no point. It was time to accept this basic fact.

He could love Tav until the end of his days, but that didn't make him deserving of it in return.

Chapter Text

There was something infinitely hilarious about convincing monsters to kill themselves. Astarion laughed for five minutes straight when the demonic toll woman spewed more gold at them than he had ever seen exchanged at a gambling table. Gleefully he skipped around the building collecting from the piles of coin strewn about.

"Having fun are you?" Tav stood with his arms crossed a smirk playing out on his face.

"Mock me all you want, my sweet, but when we get to Baldur's Gate it won't be me committing a fashion tragedy." At this he brought his hand up to his chest in a flourish, "I will be the only one able to afford an appropriate wardrobe."

"That so?" Tav laughed.

"Certainly. You'll be forced to walk next to my radiance completely overshadowed by my expensive elegance." Astarion stood then having snagged the last of the gold in this area.

Tav tilted his head as if in serious consideration, "Suppose I could just go naked then if my clothes are going to be such a problem."

Astarion drew up short momentarily transfixed by the mental image. He replied absentmindedly looking into the distance, "I'm not sure that wouldn't just make people even more envious of me."

With some consideration he smiled fiendishly thinking of all the stares. He had never considered himself one to be enthralled by public voyeurism but Tav could probably make anything look sexy.  If nothing else it would be scandalous and Astarion lived for the drama of an entrance.

"You seem to be in high spirits," Tav remarked. They were walking away at this point having reaped as much carnage as they dared. The journey through this cursed land felt much less suffocating with the pixie blessing for protection. Their minds didn't feel nearly as overwhelmed trying to navigate the dark.

"I have gold in my pockets and a guaranteed tumble for the evening. It's a scoundrel's dream honestly," He tossed a wolfish grin over his shoulder at Tav, "What else is there?"

Unfortunately, his companion didn't look nearly as amused as he should.  Instead Tav's face only registered shock tinged with hurt.

"What else is there? Is that all I am to you? A reliable fuck?" The words came out measured, but Astarion could tell they were entering dangerous territory.

Shit.

What was he thinking? He should have just kept his mouth sealed shut. He'd been caught off guard. Falling into old habits as though Tav was another simple mark meant to be lured back to Cazador. The man was the furthest thing from just a fuck. Sure it had started out that way. A means to an end. A way to use his body in patterns that felt familiar. Now however? Tav had started to feel like gravity. Like he was the only thing holding Astarion in this tenuous place free of pain and fear. It scared him more than he could ever admit how terrified he was of losing that anchor. Of being cast from the radiance that followed Tav.

No, Tav you idiot, you're the furthest thing from just a fuck.

"Come now, my sweet, think nothing of it. I'm simply enjoying the high of victory," He spread his arms wide then clutched his chest dramatically, trying to emphasize the words, "Of course you are the very air I breathe."

Tav looked less than convinced and Astarion would have done anything in that moment to erase even the trace of mistrust that lingered there.

Their travel felt more subdued from that point as they made their way further into the Shadow Cursed Lands. As they walked Astarion mentally chastised himself, perseverating over the whole interaction. What was he supposed to do? Nothing in his immortal life had equipped him to deal with this. Any of it. For so long all he knew was surviving from one moment to the next. Every time Astarion closed his eyes he could still feel what it was like to be flayed and beaten and used. All of it lurked just beneath the surface of his skin never truly giving him peace. He'd done things. Horrible things in service to self preservation. It was bullshit to think a few months in the company of someone genuine and good was capable of erasing the disgust he felt over his past.

Nothing reminded him more of that than when they ran into the little tiefling girl again. What even was her name? He had never bothered to remember it the first time. Shadowheart, practically a lost child herself, remembered of course.

"Is that Arabella?"

Gods wouldn't it have been easier if they had just let that snake bite her? Now here she was again, in trouble and turning those helpless doe eyes on Tav.

"I'm sorry is this child not old enough to take care of herself? We have business to attend."

Tav shot Astarion an annoyed look over the top of the girl's head clearly unamused. Of course Tav crouched down to the tiefling's level listening to the story of how she'd lost her people. She sounded so pitiful and lost, it was pathetic. When was Tav going to realize he couldn't save every bloody person in Faerûn?

"So you'll help me then?" Arabella asked hopefully. Tav not only assured her this but apparently they were getting a new addition at camp as well while they searched. Wonderful.

"Thank you hero man I know you'll find them." She left them there at the graveyard having given them yet another meaningless quest to fulfill.

Astarion coughed trying to cover his mocking laugh. "Hero man? Gods does that actually work?"

Tav shot him a baleful look unsure how to handle Astarion's flippancy, "Disagree all you want, I'm helping Arabella."

Astarion didn't know what to do about the tension in Tav's posture as they walked further into the graveyard towards the Thorm mausoleum. He new exactly why he would rather swallow glass than offer the innocents of Faerûn help on a whim. Annoyingly, Astarion knew he could explain it to Tav. Could expose all the complex feelings he had. They could peel back the layers of trauma together until his very marrow was exposed, until there was nothing left of his pain to explore. He knew, the same way he knew one day the parasite would be gone and his time in the sun would be over, that Tav would never fully accept him if that happened. He'd finally see Astarion for the broken person he was and there's no way Tav would ever love him after that.

No man that good could.

It was hard to pay attention in his current mental state to what they were doing. Astarion mindlessly followed Tav's lead too stuck in his own concerns to care where they went or who he put his blades into. It wasn't until they once again came upon the Archdevil Raphael himself just outside the Thorm family tomb that Astarion finally broke from his thoughts.

The scars.

Infernal.

Astarion glanced quickly at Tav mind racing. What if he could learn more about them from Raphael? Cazador was casually cruel but the vampire lord had never done anything without purpose. The scars must mean something. What if this was the key to ridding himself of the bastard's influence once and for all? Surely the hand of fate could work in his favor just once.

"Devil I need your help," The words were blurted before he could think better. Tav turned toward him concern etched into every line of his face.

Furtively looking away from his lover to hide his shame he turned to Raphael fully, "I have scars from my former..." His voice wavered. No, too much. Only the necessary parts, "Someone carved Infernal runes into my back. I need to know what they mean."

The devil paused looking far too pleased, "Well why don't you show us? Being without clothes should feel natural to you by now."

In a flash Astarion felt the rush of cold as his torso was exposed. Everything in him tried to block out Shadowheart's inhaled gasp. Invisible hands reached for him as he was spun to face the stone façade of the mausoleum. Hands braced to either side he grit his teeth under Raphael's inspection.

"Tsk, tsk what interesting work Cazador is up to this days. May I feel-" Astarion looked over his shoulder seeing Raphael's extended fingers.

"You can see just fine from there, devil." Tav practically growled cutting him off. Astarion hadn't noticed the man move but he was suddenly there standing close. Tav shifted in front of Astarion's back reaching a hand behind to grip the vampire's side in reassurance. If Raphael was curious about the exchange he didn't comment only raising a brow at being interrupted.

"Very well," he drawled, "It's a matter of price then."

Astarion shifted to stand tall next to Tav as they heard the devil out. It didn't seem overly hard or complicated. Kill a monster. They certainly had built quite a bit of experience at that lately. Finally, Raphael finished looking expectant. Astarion glanced at Tav who only shrugged in response apparently leaving the decision solely up to him. The vampire tried not to dwell on how much that meant to him.

"Done," Astarion exclaimed before his confidence wavered. He spared a moment to again contemplate his foresight in sleeping with Tav to gain his favor. This interaction cemented in his mind that it had been the right choice. Tav was genuinely willing to putting himself in danger now for Astarion's needs. Of course, rationalizing it did nothing to quell the sick feeling that was beginning to grow inside him the longer this went on.

"Excellent," The devil purred. He turned away bidding them good hunting waving Astarion's armour back into place as an afterthought.

Astarion felt slightly ill after the entire exchange. Being exposed like that, placed on display for someone else's sick amusement. How had he started to forget what that particular shame had felt like? The events of today launched everything back into sharp focus.

Tav spoke as he started to walk in the wrong direction, "We still need to go find Arabella's parents first. Hopefully it won't take too long."

That snapped Astarion back into the moment as he dug in his heels, "I beg your pardon? No we need to go kill this monster for Raphael! I need to get answers." He couldn't believe what he was hearing right now. It was so close. Everything he needed to be able to rid himself the burden of Cazador was right there. Couldn't Tav see that they needed to go now? Astarion needed this if he was ever going to have any hope of excising his feelings for Tav from the manipulation he'd built between them.

Tav turned to him confusion written across his features, "Arabella, Astarion. She's just a little girl. We need to find her parents quickly they might still be alive. Raphael's monster isn't going anywhere."

Astarion couldn't help his scoff of frustration, "Are you actually bloody serious right now? You can't help it can you? Every pathetic person with a sob story we come across just has to be saved. I'm beginning to think you get off on it." He finished by crossing his arms looking away. It was a low blow but he wasn't thinking straight. All he could see was a goal in front of him being pushed aside for Tav's altruistic tendencies.

Clearly biting back frustration of his own Tav looked like he was trying to keep from yelling. "What is your problem Astarion? From the day I met you, you've criticized my willingness to help others. I can't offer anyone anything without hearing your disapproval. What gives?"

"What gives? What gives? " Astarion hissed through gritted teeth, "I hate it. You already saved that child once and look what happened? Here she is again needing more help and you're just prancing about freely offering our services like we're some damned heroes!"

"And what's wrong with that? What's wrong with being a hero to people?" Exasperated Tav threw his hands in the air pacing away. Neither of them were prepared for the vampire's explosive response.

"Because where was my hero?" Astarion felt something finally crack in his heart. All the hurt and pain and terror finding an outlet at last. "After two hundred years of shit, PURE SHIT , no one came for me. No one saved me. No one looked at the living hell Cazador put me through and thought 'now there's someone we should probably rescue'. Where was my dashing hero, hmm? It's all such bullshit Tav."

After all the rawness scrapping at his insides today, he was finally ready to speak a dark truth. The one that festered deep in his soul, "I can't accept that there are selfless heroes in this world Tav, because if people like you have always existed it means I wasn't worth saving."

The words continued in a rush slipping out faster than he could think. "So where were you Tav? A year ago, ten years ago, a century?"

Finally finished, silence stretched between them. Tav looked absolutely gutted but Astarion couldn't bring himself to care. When the man opened his mouth to speak the vampire cut him off.

"Don't." He slashed a hand between them. "As much as I know it isn't your fault I really can't listen to a platitude right now."

Tav nodded still reeling from how quickly the conversation derailed.

Astarion sighed embarrassed now that his anger had cooled. He looked to the heavens with an exasperated sigh, "We're still going after the girl's parents aren't we?"

"Yeah," Tav sounded almost apprehensive in response.

With a deep sigh Astarion started to walk away from the direction he wanted to go, "Very well."

There weren't words available to describe the feeling Astarion had when they finally found Arabella's parents. They were dead. Because of course they were. Nothing survived this hellscape intact. No, guilt wasn't nearly sufficient enough language for what clawed at his insides. Astarion had finally showed Tav the ugliest part of him and it was all for nothing. He'd managed to ruin any chance that Tav could ever accept him. Heart empty and devoid of hope he turned toward camp speaking softly.

"I'll tell her."

Chapter Text

He couldn't believe he was letting that vile drow woman get inside his head like this. The tadpole was one thing, but this churning discomfort was completely different. Using his body was nothing new to him. In fact, it was his one most valuable asset, and he had the gull to choose now of all times to assert some self-determination. Would it really have been so terrible to choke down some of that tainted blood in exchange for something that could help them? Who was he to put up some wall of morality given everything his body had endured? Had he not crawled onto his back countless times before for less? Much less. These thoughts continued to dominate Astarion’s mind as they made their way through the fortress.

For Tav’s part he hadn’t said anything to him since ending the encounter, had only looked at him a few times with that calculating stare. How disgusting was Astarion that he felt momentary relief when Tav simply reaffirmed he didn't have to bite that woman. Surely, behind this silence Tav was thinking of how useless Astarion is and annoyed at having missed out on a legendary potion. Astarion couldn’t help but wonder what form his punishment would come. Tav wasn’t the sort to make a scene in the moment, he was too shrewd for that. No, Astarion imagined after this and the Arabella incident he would finally be tacitly dismissed for the next leg of their mission and left behind to babysit the supplies. He would feign boredom of course saying he loved to be at leisure in camp but that act of being cast aside… Of being unwanted would eat at him. Would remind him that next time he should just do what he’s asked autonomy be damned.

When they made it back to camp Astarion went right to his tent not bothering to engage with the others. His dark mood hung over him like a miasma and did not leave room for common pleasantries. He could practically feel Tav’s eyes on him causing a crawling sensation up his spine. He glanced behind him only to quickly turn back to his tent when he caught Tav’s glare from across the fire. Astarion busied himself by peeling out of his armour and laying aside his weapons. Clearly, he would not be permitted to use them anytime soon based off of his lack of cooperation today.  

He chanced one more look at their fearless leader only to find that Tav had moved toward his own bed roll. He was speaking softly with Gale on the other side of the fire casually glancing at Astarion intermittently. So there it was. Gale would be taking his spot tomorrow. Fantastic. Astarion couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been. After all his hard work trying to manipulate the man, the Shadow Cursed Lands had ruined everything. He’d have to work hard to earn his way back into Tav’s graces. He shook his head inwardly groaning. Tav was practically immune to Astarion’s flattery these days, but indulged him none the less. By his internal estimation Astarion was probably due to give Tav an orgasm. It had been some time since their evening together in the grove and Astarion didn’t want Tav forgetting all his body had to offer. Tomorrow, he vowed. Tomorrow he would remind Tav of his usefulness.

Astarion turned from his companions and suppressed a yawn. It had been a long day, but he began to feel an oppressive heaviness on his mind that he couldn’t shake. His movements suddenly felt sluggish and he barely made it to his pallet before it started to truly overtake him. He curled in on himself facing his scarred back away everyone. His eyelids felt so achingly heavy as he watched Gale walk away from their leader. He couldn’t focus on anything other than Tav’s considering stare as he turned to face Astarion. There was a sad smile lurking on the edges of his expression. It felt too close to pity that Astarion had a flash of anger spark through him as he finally succumbed to whatever had a hold on his mind.

Astarion jolted back to consciousness fully disoriented. He attempted to open his eyes but was met with resistance. He could feel a smooth cloth had been tied over his head blocking his vision. His cheek was no longer pressed into his bedroll but rather on soft grass. His shirt seemed to be missing. Lovely.

He tried to extend his senses but could no longer hear the movements of his companions. His mind felt like it was coming out of a fog but that didn’t prevent the very distinct feel of rope biting into his wrists and ankles. He was on his side with his arms stretched behind his back. He was just starting to try and work on loosening the bindings when he heard soft footsteps approaching from in front of him.

“Whatever it is you want, I assure you, you didn’t need to resort to kidnapping darling,” He quipped trying and failing to shift into a less vulnerable position on the ground. He knew it was likely stupid, but sometimes sarcasm does an excellent job of masking fear. He had long ago learned fear only increased an assailant’s desire to dole out more pain. “Is the blindfold so I don't have to look at your ugly face?”

There was a snort of laughter just above him as though his captor was crouching down. Astarion braced for the hit that retort surely bought him, but there was only silence followed by a deep sigh.

“I knew I was right to be skeptical every time you called me handsome.”

Astarion jerked involuntarily trying to rise up in indignation, “Tav? What in the hells are you doing you son of a bitch let me out of these ropes!”

There was another sigh from above him as Tav responded, “No, my dear, I don’t think I will.”

Astartion started to sputter in anger as he felt strong arms grab on to his shoulders and lift his torso up until his was on his knees kneeling just before Tav. He could feel the heat coming off of the man’s skin and had half a mind to reach out and bite.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. What the fuck are you doing?”

He jerked as he felt a hand cup the side of his face. It was gentle but firm as it pulled his head up stretching his neck and baring his throat. There was press of a kiss just over his pulsing jugular followed by a bite. It wasn’t enough pressure to break skin, but still made Astarion try to pull away. He was starting to regret not striking first and the irony was not lost on him.

“I’m going to give you what you need Astarion,” Tav spoke softly pulling slightly away.

He couldn’t help the scoff that escaped him, “Says the one that has me tied up all nice and pretty.”

Astarion felt another kiss this time to his lips. It was so brief and unexpected he didn’t have time to respond.

“Yes, you are very pretty, aren’t you?” If he could, Astarion would have rolled his eyes. Of course, he was pretty. Why else would he have been such an effective lure for Cazador all those years? All those naïve little blood donors fell right in line for him. Every time without fail. That never made up for his rotting interior, however. Sometimes Astarion wondered if he turned a certain way would people see it. Would people look at him and see all the ugliness under the surface?

“Is there a point to this flattery, hm? Have you tied me up just to wax poetic at my nice curves?”

Astarion had started to slump, bleeding off tension after realizing who his captor was. Despite having every reason to, Tav had never once hurt him physically.

“Yes that’s exactly what I’m planning to do.” Astarion could literally feel the smirk in Tav’s words. He snapped back to attention very quickly at that.

“I beg your pardon? You’re not serious darling.”

Astarion felt the warmth of Tav leave his front and tried to suppress the feeling of loss within him. He tried to get a grip on his emotions when he felt a muscled body settle in behind him.

“We are going to spend this evening on you, Astarion. Only you.” Hands gripped his shoulders as Tav’s thumbs started to work on the tension at the base of Astarion’s neck. “You are going to knell here before me tied and gagged for as long as it takes. You’re going to listen to every word I say and you’re going to do nothing but think about your worth.”

Astarion’s mind reeled as Tav’s hands continued to knead into his neck and shoulders, “I’m sorry gagged?” It was the only word he had been able to hold on to. The rest had slid away from him too horrifying to consider.

“As much as I love when you put that sexy mouth to use, Astarion, no it’s not needed tonight.” There was a shifting behind him as Tav’s hand pulled away, but it was only momentary. He felt a thick, soft piece of leather being pressed against his lips. It waited there without force as though Tav wanted Astarion to consent. Consent! What a novel ridiculous concept. He thought of protesting. Of calling Tav sick and twisted for thinking of this stupid game, but there was a part of him hungry and curious that wondered. Wondered exactly what Tav meant when he mentioned his worth.

Shuttering Astarion opened his mouth allowing the leather to seal his mouth and prevent him speech. He was grateful in that moment for the blindfold. He realized Tav knew he could never have relented to anything if he had been forced to look him in the eye while it happened.

A soft kiss was planted on Astarion’s shoulder and Tav shifted to whisper in his ear, “There’s my good boy. You’re being so trusting right now, and I adore you for it. I want you to know, however, that you can still communicate with me. If this becomes too much. If you need to slow down or stop I can.”

Astarion felt calloused fingers slide down his arms and grip his hands where they were bound behind his back. Tav clasped each hand and brought them apart then back together eliciting a small clap.

“Do that if you need me to remove the gag and check in on you ok, lovely?”

Astarion felt frozen unsure what to make of this request. An out? He was being given an out if he needed it. What sort of weakling did Tav think he was? Cazador had nearly flayed him alive. Had locked him in a coffin for a year to starve. Had done countless small cruelties in the 200 years Astarion had been under his thumb. What could Tav possibility do that he couldn’t endure. It was nearly laughable.

“I need you to move your head for me Astarion. I need to know you understand you have the power here.”

Through the gag Astarion snorted as best he could but nodded his head, nonetheless.

“Good boy.” Astarion couldn’t help the involuntary shiver that ran through him at that statement and immediately realized he had made a mistake allowing whatever Tav’s plans were to progress.

Hands traveled up his spine and Tav seemed content for the moment to just feel. He traced his hands across Astarion’s back and he knew instantly that they were following the lines of his scars. What a ghastly reward for years of begging at Cazador’s side for rat blood. They were his constant reminder of the ownership he was under. At least until Raphael came through on his end of the bargain.

He had never loathed his skin more until moment. Certainly Tav was very aware of his imperfection but he hated the reminder. Astarion tried to jerk away from Tav’s touch and would have fallen on his face if he hadn’t been caught by strong hands around his shoulders. Tav said nothing but continued to firmly hold him there as he started to leave kisses over Astarion’s back followed by small bites. It was as though he was trying to distract Astarion from what they both knew he was seeing.

Astarion’s breathing was starting to come out as fast pants the longer Tav stayed quiet just holding him in place and leaving kisses down his spine. The silence was driving him absolutely mad. He tried bucking again but it was no use bound and held as he was.

Tav paused in his quest to explore every inch of Astarion. “I need you to calm down handsome or you’ll pass out before we even get to anything. Take a deep breath for me.”

Astarion tried, he really did, but the feel of his scars and how disgusting he must look to Tav right then only sent his breathing faster. He felt pulled back toward a broad clothed chest and a hand put over his sternum slightly pushing down.

Tav’s mouth was just at Astarion’s left ear as he spoke firmly. “Breathe with me. In slow. Out slow.” And he found that he could, locked in this embrace. Surrounded by Tav.

“Good boy.”

Tav held him there breathing with him until Astarion had better control. He shifted back again and Astarion whined at the loss of contact.

“Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere,” Tav remarked as he went back to massaging Astarion’s back, “My gods you’re so touch starved.”

It wasn’t said with any sort of malice, but Astarion still bristled. Touch starved? He had given pleasure to more paramours than could be reasonably counted. He had touched and been touched nearly every day of his confinement under Cazador.

As though Tav could read his mind he continued, “Oh I have no doubt you’ve given many people the pleasure of your body Astarion, but to be touched, truly touched in a way you want? We both know that hasn’t been your experience.”

The hands wondered over every inch of Astarion’s skin as he spoke. They started at his neck trailing down his spine taking their time to touch everything. Tav paid extra attention to his lower back kneading the tight muscle there.

“You want to know what I think? I think you’re so used to someone controlling you that you don’t know how to function when left to make your own decisions about your body. I think that if I had told you to bite that drow woman today you would have done it because you have no defense against being told to follow a command.”

Astarion froze in shock. What was Tav talking about? He had said no to that vile smelling woman, and it had cost them. He had failed and was clearly a liability to their team. He was a bloody vampire. What right did he have to take pride in who he bit? Just because Tav had consented to feeding him didn’t mean Astarion had to be sentimental about where his blood came from. It was ridiculous.

“Breathe again for me darling I’m not finished.” When Astarion finally took in another shaky breath Tav continued.

“I saw the way you looked at me Astarion. I saw the way you waited for me to tell you to still do it even after your protest. And I definitely saw the way you looked disgusted when I also told her no. I don’t think it was me you were disgusted with just then was it?”

Astarion shuttered out a breath and found himself shaking his head no.

“You are worthy Astarion. You are worthy of being listened to when you assert your wishes. You’re not with him anymore and I promise I won’t punish you for having independence.” He accentuated each of these statements with gentle caresses over Astarion’s skin. It felt like fire burning across his back.

“I need to know that I can trust you to make decisions for yourself. I need to know that when I ask you to do something it isn’t because you’re afraid of what I’ll do if you don’t.”

There was silence now as Tav switched to massaging over his biceps. Meanwhile, Astarion’s mind roared. This was a trick. This had to be some clever mind game that he couldn’t think his way out of. For two bloody centuries he was a slave in every sense of the word. Told when to fuck. Who to kill. What to eat. Every single decision was made for him and when he even thought to have an ounce of independent thought he was punished. Severely.

“I won’t even presume to know what it was like for you, dear one. I can’t even begin to imagine the horror you were forced to partake in. You have been traumatized beyond anyone’s comprehension Astarion and I don’t want to minimize that.”

The hands moved now to come around his body and rest on his thighs. They worked small luxurious circles there as Tav placed more searching kisses over him.

“But I also need you to know how good you are. You are not some plaything. Yes, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met but you are more than that.”

Each word was punctuated by a firm caress moving slowly from his knees closer to his upper thighs. Suddenly Astarion became aware of just how aroused he was becoming. Each pass of Tav’s hands brought him closer to where Astarion needed him to be.

“I want you to know that I can see past everything that’s been done to you. I want you Astarion. Gods do I want you. But it has to be something you want too, not something you’re doing out of survival instincts.”

By this point Astarion’s head had lolled forward and sunk deeper into the feel of Tav’s chest behind him. The warmth there that could be his if he could just get past this feeling in his head that told him he wasn’t allowed to have this. That anything with Tav had to be a transaction otherwise what was his worth? What was he giving Tav in return?

Astarion leaned back trying to shift his arms. He was finally successful in getting his hands near Tav’s groin. It would probably be the least graceful handjob of his life but he was nothing if not skilled. He tried to work his palms over the front of Tav’s pants giving friction but also blindly searching for the laces to free his cock.

Tav sighed and shifted back putting space between them. Astarion moaned pitifully curling in on himself as he waited to be chastised by Tav. He couldn’t believe how utterly he’d failed today. First with the drow, then allowing himself to be bound and gagged like some whore, and now not even Tav wanted his touch.

“Sweetheart please. This isn’t about me. This is about you and what you need,” he was gentle as he said this not pulling away as Astarion expected him to. He couldn’t take it anymore. The wall around his heart, the one that let him dissociate every time he’d been forced to use his body to survive started to crack. How could this man speak to him like this? Like he wasn’t some kind of monster. Like he deserved anything other than what Cazador had made him into.

“I told you. Tonight is only about you and what you need, Astarion. Do you want me to keep going?”

Did he? Did he want to keep letting Tav push at that wall inside him? The one that kept him safe and sane all these years. With a deep breath Astarion nodded yes, leaning back into Tav but this time keeping his hands himself.

“Gods you’re so good for me you know that? So good.” He could hear the pride in Tav’s voice, and it made him weak.

“I’m going to untie you now so you can lie on your back,” but Astarion lost in this headspace started to swiftly shake his head no. If he had control on his hands right now he’d never be able to follow Tav’s request to keep from reciprocating. It was far too in his nature and he felt shame for having no control over it right now.

“Hmm, fine there’s a small tree just there I could probably secure your hands to. Give me a moment I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

Despite the promise, Astarion still felt absolutely gutted to lose the feel of Tav’s body around him. He sat patiently as he heard movement just to his left and then footsteps as Tav came back. Clever fingers worked at the knots binding his wrists and ankles as the rope was removed. He felt gentle circles massaging blood back into his hands. He was pushed onto his back and his hands maneuvered above his head. He lay there with his wrists held tightly by Tav for a moment before he felt lips on his. The kiss started confident and sure but quickly became devouring. Astarion did his best to keep up as his body responded to Tav’s searing touch.

“Gods you’re so perfect. I could stay here all night just kissing your sweet mouth,” Tav said panting.

He went back to tying Astarions hands adjusting as he went to make it comfortable.

“Is this what you want?” Tav asked sitting back from him.

Was it? Astarion could feel everywhere their bodies touched. He could feel Tav resting over his thighs hand planted on his chest grounding him. Astarion’s own hands were stretched above his body pulling, but only slightly. His cock was straining begging to be free. He clenched down on the gag actually grateful that he didn’t have to say the words. Yes. He wanted this so so badly. And he could feel it. The change. It was his desire he was pursuing. No one else's.

At his nod Tav shifted his hand so his fingers rested over Astarion’s right nipple. With the blindfold in place he could feel every brush of his fingers as it ghosted over the sensitive flesh. There was no stopping Astarion’s moan as the nipple was pinched and pulled slightly up from his body. He bent his back trying to relieve the pressure even has he never wanted it to stop.

“You’re so responsive, Astarion. Such a good boy to give me all your noises even through the gag. Please don’t stop I want to hear you.”

So he didn’t. Every touch Tav laid on him he sighed. When he finally switched to roughly sucking on first the right and then the left nipple Astarion moaned. And when Tav with his mouthful finally brought his hand to rub against Astarion’s groin he absolutely whined with want.

He was lost in the bruising feel of Tav’s mouth over his chest he barely noticed his pants being undone until he felt the coolness of the night. He panted and writhed as kisses were trailed down his chest to his abdomen as Tav started to stroke his upper thighs. Not quite touching where Astarion needed him.

“You really are so perfect Astarion. I don’t think I could ever get over how you look right now. All spread and wanting. It’s beautiful.” He swallowed against the gag trying desperately to hold on to those words. To hear their truth.

Tav shifted further down and without warning he felt an exploring lick at the base of him. His whine went unanswered as Tav only moved further away from his cock and started sucking at the sensitive flesh just to the side. Teasing him. He was teasing him. He bucked and wiggled trying to get Tav closer.

There was a warm chuckle from Tav, “Well since you asked so nicely, darling.”

The sound he made when Tav finally took Astarion’s head into his mouth and gave a long suck would probably embarrass him tomorrow. But now? Now he was in bliss. Never before in his life had he been afforded the opportunity to lay back and just enjoy someone else pleasuring him. There had always been the need to calculate his next move or make sure he pleased Cazador enough to avoid a beating. There was never a time when he could relax and just feel someone give him absolution. It was so freeing and Tav was doing this for him. Tav who he tried to kill. Tav who he kept at a distance.

He felt blazing heat as Tav took him further into his mouth. Felt all of himself be swallowed down to the root and sucked deeply. He groaned loudly when Tav stayed there just bobbing slightly. He felt himself hit the back of Tav throat and thought he would lose it right then. But of course, Tav was a slow and methodical lover and wouldn’t let things be over so soon. He drew all the way off Astarion’s cock with a wet pop and panted.

“I’m going to make you feel so good. You deserved to feel everything.”

Astarion had a moment of confusion feeling Tav shift over him until he gasped at the feel a saliva moistened finger prod at his lower entrance. It didn’t push just circling the tight muscle there. It was slow and agonizing but oh so delicious all at once.

“Your whole body is blushing, darling. It’s stunning.”

But Tav couldn’t say anything more because his mouth was descending on Astarion’s cock again with enthusiasm, all the while that single circling finger drove him mad. He couldn’t help bucking his hips trapped as he was between the sensations. Finally, when Tav had fully seated his mouth down over him and began to suck did he push that finger in. Slowly, oh so slowly he explored. Pushing it in then back out again pumping at him in time with his wicked mouth.

It was too much and not nearly enough. Astarion needed more. He needed to feel complete and right now only Tav could give him that. He gave his most shameless pitiful whimper yet hoping to convey his needs.

Of course, Tav heard him. Without any hesitation a second finger was added. Tav briefly relinquished his cock and he heard a spitting sound then lost all thought as a third moistened finger entered him soon after. He lay there taking everything Tav was giving him and feeling absolutely wrecked by it all. His world concentrated down to just the feel of being penetrated over and over. He no longer had any control over what his body did as it writhed or the sounds coming from behind the gag. He finally let go of all his pent-up feeling of worth and self-hatred. Tav had said he was perfect like this.

He once again felt Tav’s mouth on him. He was like a man possessed has he tried to make Astarion feel everything all at once. What defense did he have for this? It was like being worshiped. Bright light exploded behind his eyes as he shook with the forcefulness of his orgasm. Tav took all of it continuing to pump at him until Astarion thought he would burst.

And then between one breath and the next it started all at once. First hiccups as he tried to catch his breath. Then tears came unbidden staining the cloth across his eyes. He hadn’t even realized he was crying until the sobs started to wrack his body. Astarion was in a haze as he desperately clapped his palms together. He felt rather than heard Tav quickly withdraw from him and begin to untie the ropes securing him.

Gods he was so cold in the wake of Tav’s absence, but it was short lived. His arms were brought back down with gentle touches to where the rope had dug in. He tried to curl in on himself but Tav was there. He was laying beside Astarion wrapping his arms around his back anchoring him in place as he undid the gag. Astarion coughed, trying desperately to control his breathing.

“Do you want the blindfold off too?” Tav said as he started to rub Astarion’s back holding him tightly.

He shook his head. If he had to look Tav in the eye right now he truly would break.

“You mean everything to me. I hope you know that now Astarion. I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you. You absolutely fucking deserved to be saved."

He paused then struggling past the emotion in his voice, "All that I am, I’m willing to give it to you. I just need you to trust me enough to know that I’ll never ask you to do something against your will.”

Astarion curled into the embrace Tav was giving him. He took a deep breath amazed at how much lighter he felt. At how much more secure his world felt.

“I believe you.”

Chapter Text

Exhaustion didn't come close to describing the bone deep wariness that consumed Astarion's body. Heaving onto a bench in the entry hall of Moonrise Towers he slumped trying to wrap his mind around everything that had just happened. Had it really only been a day? Things had moved so quickly after they found the Nightsong. Absolutely dumbstruck he still couldn't believe she was the actual daughter of Selûne. His mind reeled trying to wrap his thoughts around it. He, Astarion former slave, had fought the literal god of death side by side with Selûne's daughter.

Witnessing the reunion between Dame Aylin and Isobel had filled him with a deep gnawing ache. Astarion thought he had at some point seen true love before today or at least witnessed something close to it. But Aylin looked at her lover as if she was pure sunlight after darkness. Is that how he looked at Tav?

He mind was water over rock sliding easily into the feeling of the last night they had shared together. Was it really only a day ago? His body was suffused with overwhelming warmth thinking of what Tav had said.

You are worthy.

Manic laughter bubbled out of him unbidden. It was all moving too fast and yet impossibly slow. How had things slipped out of his control this easily? Reality felt like it was falling from around him, everything starting to get far away and muted. The ground beneath his feet was shifting turning into strange patterns in his vision. Gaze casting frantically about he locked onto Tav. The man entered through a side chamber a troubled expression cemented to his features these days.

Sensing something was amiss Tav diverted towards him and crouched down to eye level. Tav's beautiful face swam into view eclipsing Asatrion's mounting panic. Reaching out to grab both of the vampire's wrists Tav brought the palms up to rest on his chest. His lover held him there trying to be the anchor he needed.

"What's wrong? Tell me what you need."

Astarion's mind was wild fire burning through each thought as it came to him. Finally he grasped on to words that might make sense, "We just fought a god."

Tav laughed briefly tension bleeding from his shoulders, "That we did. How does it feel?"

There wasn't even a moment of consideration as he replied in a rush, "Like we're damn idiots and lucky to be alive."

Bringing Astarion's hands up to his mouth Tav gently kissed each one, "Good thing we only have two more of those psychopaths to defeat then."

Blowing out a breath the vampire rested his forehead against Tav's, "Gods don't remind me. I feel like a masochist for following you this far."

Smiling Tav laced their fingers together between them, "I'm really proud of you."

Astarion couldn't see it but he knew his whole body had broken out in a blush. They hadn't really talked about it. The change that had come between them since Tav had forced him to listen. It was as though the man had expanded Astarion's lungs giving more space to breathe. A new resonance had started to sing within him that only felt right when his lover was near. Words couldn't be sufficient to encapsulate how at peace his heart was since being tied up and praised like that.

But it was still tainted.

A cold shadow cast itself over them banking the hopeful fire that had started to roar within. He needed to say it. He owed Tav the truth of his manipulation. "Tav, I need to-"

Their attention was suddenly drawn to a commotion at the large oak doors leading to the front of the fortress. Large double horns. Wings spreading to take up the entire entry way. An unbothered swagger caring him forward.

Raphael.

Striding with confidence the Archdevil approached. They stood quickly to face him an atmosphere of apprehension settling thickly around them. Astarion questioned Tav's decision to keep their hands joined together as they braced for whatever the devil had to say. He loathed the idea of giving even an ounce of leverage to someone that clearly couldn't be trusted.

"We had a deal devil," Astarion bit out.

Raphael's gravely voice cut the air as he faced their united front, "Indeed we did. I discovered all there is to know about those scars of yours. It's a rather grim tale even for my tastes." True to his word the devil outlined the Infernal contract Cazador had made with the Archdevil Mephistopheles.

The Rite of Profane Ascension.

All the strengths of a vampiric form all while enjoying the luxury of the living. Astarion's mind caught on one detail fascinated with the possibility. It was a barb digging its hold into him. No need of a parasite to protect him from the sun.

Was that truly possible?

The future flashed through his vision in rapid succession. He and Tav traveling Faerûn unburdened by the constraints of night and day. Laying naked beneath a clear sky exploring every inch of his lover's body. Evenings spent in the fading light content and happy to exist side by side.

Astarion was so caught up in the fantasy he was surprised by Raphael's departure at a snap of his fingers. Apparently the explanation was over. The silence stretched between them at the devil's sudden absence. He could see Tav's face change as his partner worked through this new information. He was almost afraid to ask but pressed on, "What do you think I should do?"

"Cazador needs to die." It was said with such conviction he couldn't help the wave of endearment that floated through him.    

Astarion rolled his eyes, "Yes obviously, darling but..." He paused afraid to even speak the words.

"Doesn't the rite sound appealing? I could get rid of the worm in my head and still walk in the sun. I'd finally be free of this curse."

Tav blanched, "And the cost? Forget the sacrifice of the other souls it would take, whatever that ritual is, there's no way it would leave you...you."

No, Astarion thought. He'd be better.

He sighed nodding his head as though considering the options. "I need your help Tav. I need to see Cazador wiped from existence. I need to see that palace burn to ash."

Tav reached out wrapping Astarion in a fierce hug. He whispered voice full of emotion, "I promise that bastard will pay. I'm with you until the end. Of course I am."

Astarion heard the unwavering faith in his lover's promise as it swelled within him. In that moment as they held each other he became obsessed with the future Raphael had presented him with. In his entire existence, Astarion had never cared for any one more than Tav but surely there were limits. Could he stretch their bond just far enough to have both his freedom and his lover? Surely the man could be made to understand. And if he came out of the ritual changed? So be it. He drew back to arms length avoiding eye contact.

"Thank you."

Chapter Text

Muck and grime had officially infiltrated every crevice of his armor. It was going to take an age to get it clean again. If Astarion had realized how disgusting adventuring would be he might have just let the tadpole take his mind and be done with it. At no point in his miserable existence had he ever woke up and thought 'oh wouldn't a bloody scrap on a hot beach with sand getting into everything just be a lovely idea?'

He shot a quick glare to Shadowheart hearing the incantation to divest herself and Tav of all impurities. It's not like Shar's little princess had ever offered to include him in that annoyingly useful spell. No no no he got to slink to the river like a peasant to wash.

Astarion was just turning from his magically shiny companions when he caught Tav's eye. He almost tripped at the intensity there. Tav's eyes positively burned with emotion. If he didn't know any better he'd say there was a simmering anger. What the hells was his problem? Astarion couldn't recall being any more of a bastard than usual today. Sure he had pickpocketed a merchant as soon as they got into Wrym's Crossing but really if he didn't keep his skills up they wouldn't be there for when it was needed. It's not Astarion's fault the merchant was more observant than most and had caught his prying fingers in the act. Running away was good exercise! He couldn't fathom anything else he'd done and assumed sooner or later his handsome companion would get over it.

Shrugging it off he turned away from the others and made his sad trudge to the river just out of sight of where they had chosen to camp. Muttering curses with each new feel of dirt and sand as it worked its way over his skin.

He found a suitable spot near the water's edge. There was a young tree with low branches that he might be able to hang his under clothes to dry. Astarion had never been one for modesty and began to strip. When you had a perfect body like this why deprive the world of its beauty? Or at least that's what he had been telling himself. Lately though under Tav's gentle handling he was starting to wonder if his body wasn't just a commodity.

He sat with a huff on the bank starting with removing his left boot. There was a pause as he caught sight of the faint abrasion circling his ankle. There was no helping the brief smile at the thought of how proficient Tav had become at tying him down. Astarion loved the calming focus that took over his lover when the man was concentrating on exactly how he wanted the ropes to lay. In those moments it felt like being the center of the universe.

More and more, however, he felt a certain level of almost desperation creep into Tav as they coupled. It felt like the closer they got to their goal the more his lover wanted to make each moment feel like a reckoning. Astarion was positively humming with the attention. Was this happiness? It was certainly a foreign new pleasure that overcame him every time they were finished. When he was finally released from his bondage and allowed to wrap himself around Tav's body as their breaths slowed and skin cooled. There was finally peace in his heart in those stolen moments.

Astarion finished pulling off all of his clothing bringing the filthy bits with him into the river to rinse. He paused in the hip deep water just to relish the feel of the hot sun on his skin. He took several deep breaths luxuriating in all the colors surrounding him. After living so long in shades of grey each new place they visited felt more vibrant than he could have previously imagined.

There was a rustling of bushes as someone approached. Astarion didn't need to turn around to confirm the brooding aura was coming from Tav. He continued to wash ignoring the man not wishing to engage in his dark mood. He was having a lovely day for hells sake. It didn't stop him however from artfully bending forward to run water through his hair and wiggling, effectively presenting himself to the grump on shore. The hiss of inhaled breath he heard from behind did wonders for his ego. A laugh escaped him unbidden.

"Really Tav I can feel your sourness from here. Just tell me what your malfunction is so I can kiss it better."

Astarion peeked over his shoulder intending to wink at the surly man but stopped in his tracks as soon as he took in the expression on Tav's face. Devastated. That's how he looked.

"Darling my word your face. You'd think someone had died."

At that Tav's face twisted back to seething anger. "Someone did die you fucking bastard!"

This drew Astarion up short as he turned fully to face Tav. "Are you talking about that little incident with the guild members? Sweetheart that was nothing! Shadowheart had a scroll handy, I was barely gone a minute."

"Don't you dare sweetheart me Astarion. I had to watch you bleed out from a gut wound. I had to hear your scream of pain as that man sliced you open."

Astarion looked down at his exposed abdomen running his hand along the faint line of healing skin. By tomorrow it wouldn't even be there anymore.

Rolling his eyes he tried to deflect, gathering his clothes on his way to shore. "Gods, you are such a hypocrite Tav. How many times have I watched you slink away from battle nearly dead? It's nothing!"

"Nothing? Astarion, Shadowheart has had to revive you from a corpse four times in as many days! She's started to reserve her strength in case you need it. When you need it." Tav let out a blast of frustrated air. "Ever since we got near Baldur's Gate you've been reckless."

Astarion scoffed swaggering over to the tree attempting to hang his clothes on a nearby branch. "Well pardon me if I haven't been enjoying the glacial pace you all have adopted."

There wasn't even a sound as Tav launched himself across the distance shoving Astarion against the tree. The bark bit roughly into his chest as he was pressed into the hard surface, boxed in by hands on either side of his shoulders. Astarion tried to use his vampiric strength to brace and push away but the wall of muscle behind him was unrelenting. Tav's right palm slid away from the tree coming up to cup his face forcing it to turn over his shoulder but also protecting it from the bark. The feeling of being surround like this was delicious and if he weren't dealing with Tav's anger he would have moaned.

Their breaths were quick as they paused in this position. He could feel Tav hiss as he spoke, "Do you require another lesson darling-" this was punctuated in a roll of Tav's hips, "in just how precious you are?"

It should have scared him. The way he could be so easily rendered powerless like this. That naked and without his weapon, no amount of grappling to get free would work. But Astarion wasn't worried. Being caged in by Tav like this, it was an illusion he embraced. He knew it would only take a simple request for space and his lover would grant it. It never occurred to Astarion in that moment to be truthful with his worries rather than glib.

"Come now darling if we're too busy fucking in the woods how will I ever take over Cazador's ritual? Perhaps I shouldn't burn the palace down. I have fabulous ideas to redecorate."

In the silence that followed he could feel Tav's horror.

"You're not still thinking to... you couldn't be." The edge of panic in Tav's voice was accentuated by his stumble back from the tree. "Astarion. You would be just like him. Everything you suffered. Everything you despise. You would become that."

In hindsight Astarion really wished he had thought to have this conversation with clothes. It added a layer of vulnerability in this moment he was by no means enjoying. Tav of course like the bastard he was recognized this. He sighed as he unpinned his cloak coming forward to wrap him in it. Astarion wasn't sure if he was hurt or relieved when Tav immediately backed up putting space between them.

"You don't understand. You'll never understand. I lived a lifetime in the shadows. My world was only shades of grey. So this? Standing here in the light? Actually feeling it on my skin? I can't give that up. Not for anything. I will fight and scrape and bleed before I go back to being a slave of the night again." The last words were out of Astarion's mouth before he could stop them but that didn't make them any less true.

"So that's just it then? You become the master?" There were the beginnings of tears in Tav's eyes and Astarion couldn't take the judgement.

"Gods no! I'll never been him! Why can't you just accept that I'm not perfect? I'm a bloody vampire remember?"

And with that he struck. No longer pinned to the tree Astarion used his speed to divest the cloak and launch himself into Tav. It was completely unexpected causing them to fall to the ground. Astarion used the momentum to sink his fangs into the tender flesh of Tav's throat as he came out on top.

He had expected to be immediately thrown off. He truly expected his act of unwarranted violence to be met in kind. He needed Tav to see him for what he was. A vampire. A power hungry creature that wanted everything.

Instead Tav embraced him. Grabbing Astarion's shoulders hard and pulling him closer. He even tilted his head to the side allowing for better access. In his anger and lust what was he supposed to do other than take it for the invitation it was? Astarion drank deeply filling his mouth and swallowing quickly. He chuckled low and deep at the sound of Tav's breathy moan beneath him.

Shifting so his body was more to the side Astarion slid his hands down Tav's body grabbing roughly at the bulge in his pants. This he could do. He couldn't fix the impasse between them but he knew everything about making someone feel good.

The laces of Tav's pants came apart easily and he was gripping his length within seconds. Astarion continued to suck at his neck but it was more for pleasure than feeding. He chanced a look up to his lover and was pleased to find his eyes closed tight, a blissed expression on his face.

Encouraged he began to pump at the cock in his hand. He poured every bit of his desperation into giving Tav a release. They needed a distraction. Something to fill the space between them and the uncertainty of the future that lay ahead. Tav groaned bringing an arm behind Astarion so his hand could grip his naked buttock. Tav's fingers dug into his flesh kneading it with bruising force.

The scandalous sounds continued as Astarion put everything he had into pumping at the cock resting in his hand ignoring his own growing hardness. He used his thumb to swipe at the head with each pass collecting the moisture that was starting to leak. He broke his contact with Tav's neck shifting upwards to capture his mouth. The response was electric. Neither of them cared that it was laced with the salty tang of blood. They were acting on instinct taking what they could.

There was a moment of surprise as Tav growled bucking his hips and using the hand at Astarion's buttock for leverage to force him to straddle Tav's powerful thighs. This caused a delicious slide of their cocks against each making them both exclaim in pleasure.

He didn't ask permission or hesitate. Still soaked from the river Astarion used the moisture to grip both their cocks and continue his crusade. He chanced a glance up to find Tav now staring intently at him, happy to let Astarion do as he pleased with their bodies.

"You're so good like this."

Astarion shivered at the praise picking up speed. He balanced back on his knees to employ both hands. All the while Tav gripped his ass like a dying man, smacking it on occasion then soothing with long strokes of his fingers.

It was unnerving keeping eye contact with Tav like this. Sometimes Astarion felt he might actually burn under the intensity of that devotion. He couldn't take it. Trying to hide he bent his head down using the curtain of his hair as a shield. He felt a firm grip at his chin forcing his gaze back up.

Tav held him there. Held him in place while Astarion fell apart, great mewls of pleasure escaping his lips as he edged them both closer. With a final jerk they both came crying out.

Astarion collapsed onto Tav's chest utterly spent. There was nothing left in him afterwards and as reality came crashing back he felt no small amount of shame. He'd bitten Tav. Done it without asking permission. One of the few boundaries Tav had ever made and he'd crashed right through it.

Warm arms snaked around his torso anchoring him in place. Astarion crushed his face into Tav hoping he wouldn't have to face either his betrayal just now or the one he was planning for the near future. He wanted to lay here just one minute more listening to the strong heartbeat below him as it still raced from their efforts.

Tav's voice rumbled under his ear, "I promised you once that I will never make you do something against your will and I intend to keep it. You need to make the right choice for you, my love. I can't and won't stop you."

My love. Astarion's heart hitched, words frozen on his tongue. Tav had never said it like that. It felt far deeper than their usual pet names, causally exchanged. It felt like Tav was confessing his love while using the same breath to say he'd set Astarion free.

Freedom. What had Astarion ever craved more in his wretched life than that?

"I can never bend the knee to anyone ever again, Tav. I can never force myself to submit to another's power. Never again. Surely you know that."

The arms encircling him hugged tighter then released.

"Yes, my love. I know it."

Chapter Text

Tav was stalling.

It wasn't immediately apparent at first. Honestly, when wasn't Tav running them hill over dale fetching things for the poor sods of Faerûn? Day after day they investigated murders and looked for lost girls in nautical themed taverns and saved Volo from himself, again. All the while Astarion sighed, at this point used to Tav's annoying bleeding heart tendencies.

As things dragged however he couldn't help but notice they never strayed to one particular part of the lower city. Any path that might take them towards a certain palace was quickly diverted down another route. The day Tav suggested they might double back and look for those lost carrier pigeons, Astarion felt like he might explode.

Things had not exactly been smooth between them since the day at the river. They found themselves in an uneasy truce held together only by their mutual unspoken agreement to not talk about the ritual.

They were each in their own way trying to give space to the other. Astarion knew it was taking everything Tav had to withhold from talking about it and he wasn't handling the stress well. The tension in the lines of his lover's face were a near permanent fixture these days. Tav was snappish and short with everyone in their party, effectively driving them all to silence when they rested for the night in their rooms above the tavern.

Despite the distance that had been adopted between them during the day, each night without fail Tav opened his arms welcoming Astarion into his bed and comfort. He would burrow into Tav's chest sucking lungfuls of his scent to feel grounded. It was in those moments of silence that Astarion agonized the most about his decision.

Could he really give this up? Surely there would be other lovers he could take up with. Others more willing to live in soulless debauchery with him. He tried to picture it. Picture some pretty little spawn kneeling before him while he sat on Cazador's, no his throne. Just the thought of it made him gag. Because that spawn wouldn't be Tav. Wouldn't be the person who had ushered Astarion from the depths of the hell within his own mind.

He was grateful in those moments of twilight for his lack of need for much sleep. Listening to the steady rhythm of Tav's breathing he had time to agonize endlessly about the choice before him. If Tav sensed Astarion's inner turmoil he said nothing. Content to let the vampire work through this on his own.

It was maddening really. Wouldn't it just be so easy if Tav forbade him from going through with it? Then Astarion could scream his rage and have someone to blame other than himself when he would be forced back into the shadows of the world.

At the dawn of each new day Tav would open his eyes and find Astarion absently playing with his hair as it caught the sun's rays. He'd smile fondly and kiss him. It was always a long and slow dance of their tongues. None of the urgency they felt the rest of the time. These mornings before everyone else arose felt made just for them as they warmed in the coming daylight. For all that Astarion was broken he couldn't help but feel perfect with Tav like this.

It was in those moments Astarion knew he couldn't give the ritual up. He'd follow it through to the bitter end if it meant seeing all of this in color.

"It's time, love." Astarion said gently in a break between kisses.

Tav's entire body deflated. All the happy emotion from just seconds ago replaced with blank resolve.

"Caught me procrastinating, huh?" Of course Tav was trying to be causal in this moment.

"I'm sorry my sweet, but you weren't exactly being subtle. I'm not sure there was a person from here to the upper city that you haven't offered to help at this point." Astarion kissed his lips one more time before shifting his body to get off the bed.

He was stopped by arms snaking around his midsection drawing him back down. Astarion huffed allowing himself to be pulled and faced his lover again. Tav's face had changed, however, hovering at the edges poorly masked fear shown through. It struck to the heart of the vampire.

He made a decision in that moment. He was already pushing Tav so far he couldn't help but ask for one more thing. It took no thought to lean over to the nightstand just above his head and grab what he needed.

"Please." He said simply depositing the vial of lubricant into Tav's palm. "I need to feel you." He didn't say 'one more time' but the words still hung between them a rope waiting to snap.

Tav gave a small smile and kissed Astarion's forehead. "Of course, my love. Do you need anything to hold you down?"

They had found over the course of their relationship since their time in the Shadow Cursed Lands that ropes helped ground Astarion. Helped him to concentrate. To feel in the moment rather than descend into his past experiences.

"Please," He remarked as he stripped out of his clothes and shifted onto his back on the bed.

Tav nodded stepping away to also undress and gather what he needed from his trunk. This moment between them didn't require anything complex. There wasn't time for it and Tav knew he had stalled long enough. Turning back to the bed he did, however, take a moment to admire the beautiful body laid out on the bed. All for him.

"Gods I never get used to how perfect you are."

Astarion chuckled positioning his body in a more languid pose. "I am rather perfect aren't I? And beautiful! Not enough people say that."

Crossing to the bed Tav bent over him to take one more kiss. He brought his hand up to cup Astarion's face deepening it. Then breaking away he kneeled on the bed capturing each of the vampire's hands and making quick work of securing them together. With an additional kiss to each palm he clapped them softly together. The reminder wasn't necessary, but he always did it regardless. Lifting Astarion's bound hands they were pulled above his head to be further secured to the headboard.

The stretch was wonderful. Making him feel on display for every bit of Tav's adoring gaze. Astarion opened his legs positioning each one on either side of the other man's knees.

As with all things Tav lived for the anticipation. Leaning forward he hovered his lips just above Astarion's mouth. Smirking he rose up, stretching his body even further to meet Tav in a fiery kiss. The strain it put on his shoulder joints bordered on painful. It was the perfect predicament for Astarion and left the choice of pursuing pain with his pleasure under his control.

When he was finally ready Tav moved from his mouth continuing a searing path down to Astarion's neck settling there. Beginning with kisses he worked the tender flesh there before nipping and eventually beginning to suck. If he had been in a less blissed state of mind Astarion might have rolled his eyes at Tav's clear desire to mark him. So be it.

As he continued his bruising work at Astarion's neck, Tav's hands roamed. He brushed lightly over nipples, squeezed thighs, ran nails over lean muscles. It was more sensual than any other time they had coupled. This was no desperate fucking. It was making love with abandon. It was hearts wide open ready to be marked.

Astarion had been too distracted by Tav's clever mouth he hadn't noticed the man had opened the vial until slick questing fingers probed at him. Like all things Tav took his time in opening him up. He circled the entrance for a moment just warming Astarion to the idea.

Tav lifted his head to stare directly into Astarion's eyes. He wanted to burn the look on his lover's face into his mind as he finally slipped one finger in side. Astarion was so ready for it he didn't even grimace. Just slowly blew out the breath he had been holding.

Pumping his finger back and forth Tav stayed like that until Astarion nodded silently asking for more. Another finger was smoothly added to the first. A third soon followed causing Astarion to bow off bed at the feel of the stretch.

Going back to his earlier worship Tav started kissing every part of exposed skin he could reach. All the while pushing his fingers in and out. Occasionally he would crook the tips of his fingers on a particularly slow withdrawal. Tav swallowed the guttural moan it elicited.

"Come on lover. Give me the rest," Astarion purred wiggling his body from side to side as best he could.

Dropping a final kiss to his brow Tav withdrew his fingers leaning back to kneel before the perfect person before him.

There was no need for them to talk further. Something as simple as words could never convey the feeling of comfort and trust that passed between their bodies.

Hoisting Astarion's ankles above his shoulders for leverage Tav lined himself up. He looked down at the vampire's face wanting to catch every micro expression as he slowly inserted himself bit by bit. It felt like forever until he bottomed out groaning when he was fully seated.

Even more slowly he drew back pausing just before fully exiting. Tav leaned down one last time to kiss at the corner of Astarion's mouth before slamming back in. Grunting he started a punishing pace snapping his hips back and forth driving himself deeper with each thrust.

Tied as his hands were Astarion could only lay there and take it letting each slap of Tav's hips push him deeper into a state of bliss. He wasn't even shocked when he felt Tav reach down and grasp his cock timing each stroke to match his rhythm. He could stay in this moment forever, his heart and body so filled by this man.

They moved together both chasing release neither one thinking about anything beyond this room. The pressure built slowly for Astarion low in his gut. The feel of Tav's cock pounding into him while his hand wrung more pleasure with each movement was amazing.

"Come for me, my love. I want to watch you."

Astarion moaned at the words feeling down right scandalous. He would do anything to please Tav in that moment. Pulling at his bound hands for leverage he arched his back as far as it would go presenting his body to his lover.

"Take me lover."

With renewed vigor the hand at his cock gripped harder while the cock inside him was pushed as deep as it could go. It was only moments until Astarion was gasping, shaking as he came all over Tav's hand.

For his part Tav smiled like a feral animal bringing his hand up to his lips to taste.

"Gods you do so good for me." Sated, Astarion drunk in the words as Tav pounded out the last of his need coming in a rush inside him. More possessiveness, but he didn't mind.

Without comment Tav leaned up undoing the ropes. Astarion hissed as his arms were allowed to flex down again. Their breathing slowed as Tav collapsed on top of him.

There was comfortable pause as they settled back into an embrace coming down from their mutual highs. They hung there in the silence just as the first tendrils of foreboding slipped in Astarion's mind. Today everything might change. If he didn't do it now there may never be another chance.

"I think we need to talk."

Tav raised his head from were it rested in the crook of Astarion's arm. There was apprehension in his voice as he warily replied, "Go on."

Breathing deep and looking at the ceiling to avoid eye contact Astarion finally unburdened himself. "I had a plan. A nice simple plan. Seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you'd never turn on me," He chuckled wryly, "It was easy. Instinctive. Habits from 200 years of charming people kicked in."

At this point his voice started to crack and he felt Tav gently stroke his side, "All you had to do was fall for it."

He glanced back down then meeting Tav's searching gaze, "And all I had to do was not fall for you... Which is where my nice simple plan fell apart."

Looking into his lover's eyes he tried to convey everything he needed to if his next words failed. "I...I've never cared for anyone the way I do for you. I want this to be real. I want us to be real."

Tav looked stunned. He took so long to respond Astarion had started to pull away seeking exit strategies. He didn't get far however as Tav crushed them together in a renewed hug.

"I know."

He knew? Knew what? That Astarion had been manipulating him from the start? That he loved Tav with everything he was? That he would follow through with the ritual because it meant securing their future?

"I know, Astarion. And I love you."

There wasn't anything more to say after that. They stole as much time as they could laying there together both terrified for what the day would bring. Eventually they got dressed trading longing glances between them neither one wanting talk for fear of breaking the spell. Eventually everything was in order and there were no more excuses to wait.

Even now, Astarion thought, Cazador has the power to ruin something for me. But no more. After today it would be his power and his throne.

The ascent into the palace was positively mundane. Astarion didn't know why he expected to be caught and shackled the moment he stepped foot into the foyer. Well he knew why, but it still didn't happen. They went about exploring looking for Cazador's damn signet ring in hopes of opening the ballroom door. Of course that would lead them right to Godey.

Astarion thought he was mentally prepared to face the skeleton again. But the feeling of being in the kennels, of Tav's searching eyes as he took it all in? It was almost more than he could take.

After collecting the ring from that vile creature Astarion turned intending to put Godey and this Gods damn room behind him when he heard a crash. He swung around quickly to catch the end of Tav smashing the skeleton to pieces an unreadable look on his face.

Raising an eyebrow he looked at his lover as his calm facade cracked.

"No one that hurt you is making it out of this day intact." Tav said it coolly as he brushed past headed for the door. Astarion spit on the bones following quickly behind.

Hells he couldn't believe it was Sebastian. One of his firsts. Back before he was jaded by Cazador's mind numbing cruelty. Back when he still felt guilt at what his master did to his marks.

It fueled a fire in him making him pace while Tav talked to the children. What did it matter? They were just going to be consumed by the ritual.

Finally. Finally, Tav moved to where Cazador lay in wait. He felt himself get lighter, more manic with each step closer. This was it. Revenge in his grasp.

If only it had gone the way he hoped.

The rage that coursed through him the moment he saw his tormentor was all consuming. It clouded his every thought and there was no stopping his reckless sprint to try and punch the other vampire. Tav had shouted trying to grab his arm but it was too late. Astarion was caught in that bastard's magic immediately. He felt his shirt disintegrate as his back burned with hell fire. Body no longer under his control there was no stopping being flung across the room, positioned in a place of honor at the alter.

There was nothing he could do but watch and scream as Tav flew into a rage worthy of any berserker. There was nothing to do but cry out and wince every time Cazador and his goons sliced into the man he loved. How could he have been so stupid? Was his fate really to watch Tav be cut down and then die in agony himself?

He should have had more faith however, because bloody and exhausted Tav finally freed him and drove Cazador to retreat. Astarion looked into the wild panicked eyes of his lover at having almost lost him. But it didn't matter. All that mattered now was revenge.

He could see Tav clenching his jaw so tightly his teeth must be cracking as he approached the coffin. Cazador looked so pathetic. So Gods damned pathetic being pulled out of his it and thrown to his knees. This was the great horror of Baldur's Gate? This was the man that had fed off his screams? Had broken every bone in his body twice over. Astarion screamed his rage picking up the ritual knife. He would carve the runes into Cazador's back. He would make his master take his place in the ritual. And then everything would be his. All that power just within his grasp. He turned back to Tav ready to ask for his help when he caught sight of something he had never seen before.

Defeat. Utter resounding defeat.

Not once in all the time they traveled together had Astarion ever seen anything from that man other than calm confidence. He walked through this world knowing he could bend it to his needs. Astarion had never had that. For fucks sake it's why he wanted the ritual's power so badly. To be able to move through life afraid of nothing.

Tav caught his moment of hesitation. He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and looked into the distance of the cavern.

"Do what you must Astarion. I have never demanded obedience from you and I'm not about to start now."

Fuck. He just had to fall in love with a fucking white knight didn't he?

Before he could change his mind Astarion turned back to Cazador's prone form.

"Fine. But I'm certainly not above enjoying this." He leapt, slamming the blade into Cazador as he screamed.

Again. Again. Again.

It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. Even after Cazador stopped gurgling blood from his mouth he still wanted to stab his abuser. 200 years of rage poured out of him culminating in a guttural cry as he stumbled back. He landed on his knees soaked in the blood of his greatest enemy. All those tortures. All that pain. His body couldn't contain the feeling as he began to sob, breaths coming out in great heaving gulps.

After several moments he felt a presence just behind him waiting patiently.

"Can I touch you Astarion?"

He didn't have the words in his body just then but he managed a nod. Warm arms wrapped around him from behind enveloping him entirely.

Astarion continued to sit there sobbing as he held on to Tav for dear life. It was over. Cazador was dead and with it the ritual was lost. He cried anew the moment he realized his days in the sun really were numbered now. One day soon when they beat the Absolute he would walk back into the shadows and never leave them again. A whole new type of devastation consumed him in that moment. He nearly choked at the bile rising in the back of his throat.

"Cazador won after all. I'll never escape the hell he built."

Chapter Text

Hope could be a real bitch sometimes. Astarion would have thought he'd learnt that by now but alas, he was due one more lesson in cruelty.

Hope certainly got him through those last days of struggle. They fought so hard to see the end of their quest. He got wrapped up in the fight, pushing with everything he had to see it through. There was a part of him that clung desperately to chance that once the tadpole was cured things wouldn't change. That he would be allowed to keep living beside the person he loved without compromise.

Everyone stood there at the end. The mood was so light and celebratory. They had made it. All enemies vanquished. Astarion was standing next to Tav occasionally brushing hands, smiling like two love drunk fools.  Astarion couldn't help the excitement he felt. They had looted Cazador's palace for every last bit of value and sold it. Tav had grand plans to purchase a home for them in the lower city. Something near the coast with lots of rooms for when their companions visited. It was a beautiful dream.

He wasn't sure when he'd started to give himself permission to do that. To dream of the future. Astarion imagined it was Tav's endless optimism finally rubbing off. He couldn't help the swell of pride in his chest at all his lover had accomplished. They had earned this ending.

Standing there ruminating on their plans he didn't even feel it at first. It felt like a faint itch really nothing to be concerned with. He continued to laugh and joke as their party slowly disbanded everyone looking forward to a time of peace in their lives. He remembered Shadowheart looking a little out of place. The girl had lost both her god and her parents. He had just thought to reach out maybe invite her to stay with them when the itching became a burn.

It felt like fire ants crawling across his skin biting everywhere at once. Astarion brought his hand up to better see realizing the flesh was starting to blister. Tav hadn't noticed yet. He had been speaking to Halsin and was too far.

Sheer undiluted panic lanced through him in that moment. Unlike any he'd felt before. He had been so fucking hopeful. What a fool he must look a vampire standing in the sun. He didn't have time to speak. The pain of his skin as it started to turn to ash pushed him into a run. He couldn't think, just picked a direction to flee.

With each harried step, he felt more and more of his body flake away and turn to dust. If he couldn't find refuge quickly, this was going to be an agonizing death. Astarion rounded a corner just as the pain started to overwhelm him and saw stacked crates allowing decent protection from the light.

He vaulted next to them, cradling himself into a tight ball and panted. Very slowly the crackling feel over his exposed tissue faded but of course he had no healing potion on his person so the blisters remained eliciting a dull ache. Astarion let out a bitter laugh. This was clearly his reward for hoping. Of course he got one final torture from Cazador.

There was no way anyone had seen which direction he had run when he fled. He could imagine Tav frantically searching for him and couldn't help the tiny part of his heart that wished his lover was here with him. He could use the comfort as he sat in shame at what his curse had brought him.

Instead, he passed the hours in lonely silence shifting periodically as the shadows moved. Dark thoughts plagued his mind. This was what life was going to be like from now on. He'd wait every day for the sun to set before he would be allowed to venture out. To spend eternity sequestered to the edges of society. And what of Tav? He knew his lover. He knew the man would shrug and pretend to accept this new constraint on their life. They'd never go traveling together again he realized. Tav was always talking about adventuring and seeing every corner of Faerûn. He'd have to do that without Astarion or worse never go at all out of some sense of duty. The thoughts made him sick as he sat there terrified to shift too much lest he break from the coverage of the crates.

Time passed like that in agonizing slowness. He eventually closed his eyes trying to sink into a trance to pass the hours until dusk but the whirling thoughts in his head never gave him peace.

Eventually he heard scrambling foot steps and a shout. Astarion opened his eyes expecting to see Tav but was surprised slightly by Shadowheart's concerned look hovering over him. She didn't say anything just sat down next to him leaving a small distance between their bodies. When the light from the sun finally faded she stood offering her hand to help him up. She didn't immediately let go, however, flipping his hand over tracking the angry blisters. Frowning she spoke an incantation under her breath and cool relief washed over him. He was suddenly more grateful in that moment for her than he ever had been before. What a lost pair of souls they made.

Shadowheart started walking towards the tavern they rented rooms from, "Tav has been frantic I'll take you to him."

Astarion could only nod feeling every regret of his life with each step he took.

Tav bought the house as promised. It was beautiful and grand. It was such a comical contrast to how they had lived when they first met, sleeping on hard packed dirt and scavenging for food. Astarion filled it with all the luxury he had ever wanted. He bought wardrobes of clothes and fine paintings. It was all frivolous things neither of them really needed. Tav was happy to let Astarion buy whatever he wanted if it would chase away one ounce of the haunted look that hung over the vampire.

Tav keep waiting for the him to adjust. He tried space hoping eventually the sulking would end. But as the days turned to weeks Astarion retreated further into himself. He became less talkative, joked less, and eventually stopped coming to the room he and Tav shared to rest during the day. Tav would find the doors to random guest rooms shut, a literal barrier between them.

Most alarming was when Astarion skipped feedings. At first Tav had thought the vampire was slipping out into the night to hunt. He didn't begrudge Astarion trying new things. When they met Tav had been his only option for sustenance. It was a convenience that they continued to share between them during the fight against the Absolute. Tav tried not to take it personally or worry too much whether Astarion was safe. Although he had wished his lover had said something before cutting Tav off from that intimacy. He had never let there be any question of his arousal when Astarion fed.

Tav continued to try and coax Astarion out of the manor in the evenings. He offered everything he could think of but the man refused. Tav could hear him at night outside his room pacing the floor like a specter.

It shamed him how long it took to realize Astarion was wasting away. His face becoming more gaunt with each passing day. His lover hadn't been finding blood from others, he had been refusing it out right.

Tav wasn't equipped to handle this version of Astarion. Had thought it was better not to push, but giving space wasn't working at all. He slipped into the room Astarion had chosen to occupy that evening catching him reading from a book furiously scribbling notes. Tav laid on the bed making himself comfortable.

Astarion glanced over eyebrow raised, "Can I help you?"

"Mmm," Tav murmured, "You can help me by not wasting to nothing. When is the last time you fed, Astarion?"

The vampire flicked back to his book. "I'm not hungry."

Tav sat up on the bed voice on the edge of anger, "The hells you are! I bet if I lifted your shirt I'd see ribs. Now come over here and drink!"

Astarion slammed his hand on the desk frustrated by the interruption, "I said I'm not hungry! I spent a year without blood remember? I don't need you."

Hurt flashed across Tav's face and while he could hear the dismissal he didn't want to give up so easily. "What are you even working on?" He asked indicating the messy notes sprawled across the desk surface.

Furiously grabbing all the papers and shoving them into a drawer the reply came out as shout, "Gods Tav it's none of your business! Am I not allowed any privacy in your home?"

Tav paused shocked, "My home? Astarion this is ours."

Astarion scoffed, "No Tav. This your home and my prison."

The words struck deep just as they were meant to. "What are you talking about? I thought you wanted to build a life here? If Baldur's Gate isn't right we'll leave. We'll go tomorrow, my love. Just tell me what you need, please."

Astarion leveled a vicious glare, "Leave? And go where? Where can we go that I can have what I lost? Where we can walk out a door together not just as everyone else is ending their day?"

Desperate Tav grasped at ideas, "We could go to the Underdark."

"I'm not living in the fucking Underdark like a mushroom experiment gone wrong," He seethed.

"Then what Astarion! What will make you happy?"

"NOTHING!" Astarion exploded now. Words coming in a rush. "I will never have what I want, Tav. Don't you get it? I lost my chance. I let you get into my bloody head about the ritual and some days I swear if I have to look at your face I'll walk right out the door into the sun myself."

Silence stretched between them. Tav looked stricken, unsure how they got here. He was used to fighting his problems. Sticking the sharp end of something directly into what stood in his way. He had no answers on how to fix the broken person before him.

Finally Astarion took a deep breath turning away. "I need space Tav. I need to not have a constant reminder that you can come and go freely from this place anytime you wish while I can't. Not anymore."

It destroyed Tav seeing the proud person he loved reduced to the shell of his former vigor.

"I'll leave. If that's what you really need, I'll go." He stood crossing the room but hesitating at the door. Everything in him screamed it was wrong but Astarion's threat to let himself burn lingered in his mind. "I love you Astarion. Every part of you has captured me body and soul. Say the word and I'll be back."

He struggled to get out his parting words as turned to go, "I'll wait for you...Always."

True to his word when Astarion came out of his trance the next evening Tav was gone. The manor was eerily quiet. He sighed with relief. Astarion knew forcing Tav away might finally be the thing to break them but he was willing to take the risk. Not having the freedom he enjoyed while under the tadpole's influence was eating him from the inside.

He simply couldn't exist like this. It was one thing when he had first been turned. There was all that insatiable hunger and dealing with the pain of being under Cazador's thumb. After two centuries he got used to a certain way of living. Of surviving on the fringes.  But the the tadpole had changed everything. He knew exactly what it was to walk this world unafraid and in full color. His mind was made up. Either he would find a way to fix the ritual or die trying.

Grabbing his cloak he set out of the house for the first time in days. There had been a response to his inquiries with the Baldurian Magical Society. If he hurried there might still be time to make their meeting before it ended.

Weeks passed in this way. Pouring over books and disintegrating scraps of paper some long dead wizard had scribbled on. It was infuriating having to wait for night to break before venturing out but he made it work. Eventually he broke down and bribed a pretty young guard to let him feed off the prisoners destined for the noose. The guard liked to flirt but Astarion kept the interactions as emotionally distant as he could. It wasn't the same as feeding from Tav and he found it far more joyless.

He was hitting dead ends in his research finding nothing more than the occasional reference to changing vampiric curses.

It was completely unexpected then when on a dark rainy evening a knock came to his door. Surely Tav wouldn't have knocked on his own bloody door. With annoyance he crossed the foyer wrenching the door open. To his utter surprise Shadowheart stood soaked in rain and looking completely lost.

She took in his expression carefully, "I didn't know where else to go. I-" She paused as though gathering the strength to continue. "I don't belong anywhere anymore."

It was said with such naked emotion that Astarion couldn't turn her away and opened the door fully. "Well, my dear, welcome to the home of lost souls then."

At first Astarion was sure that Tav had sent her. As time went on however it became clear that Shar's dark princess, well ex-princess was just as lost in this world as he was. They settled into an easy camaraderie sometimes going days without needing to interact. She didn't hover like Tav had, always fussing. He had been about as subtle as an ox with all his worrying.

It wasn't long however until Astarion decided to include Shadowheart in his research. It was silly really, he should have thought to reach out to her sooner. She was a dark cleric after all surely she had come across something useful.

With her help the search changed. In the evenings he had someone to talk theory with and during the day she offered to travel further than he could looking for answers. He knew deep down he could have asked Tav for this but he couldn't have brought himself to do it. What if they turned over every rock in this Gods damn kingdom and found nothing? What then? If nothing else he knew Shadowheart wouldn't begrudge him the ultimatum that sat in the back of his mind. If this didn't work? If he couldn't find some way to walk in the light again? He really would step out that door and enjoy one last feel of the sun on his skin before he was burned to ash.

Of course in the end they did find an answer. Shadowheart came back road wary but excited having visited one of the great temples of Selûne and spoke to the sages there. In triumph she held out a scroll. Astarion took it gently as though it was the most precious thing in the world.

"Astarion I have to warn you though." Shadowheart looked uneasy reluctant to continue. "There's a catch and it's not going to be pleasant."

Astarion barked a laugh. It was genuine and felt unfamiliar on his lips, "Darling don't worry. I am intimately acquainted with unpleasant."

They poured over the scroll. It wasn't a complex script, but they read every word over and over long into the night making sure they knew each aspect.

Finally Shadowheart looked up no longer able to evade the truth the man next to her was clearly ignoring.

"Astarion," she gently probed placing a hand on his, "We need Tav for this."

He should have guessed, should have known that Tav never would have gone far. This entire time the man had rented rooms from an inn in the lower city a mere short walk away. It hadn't even taken Astarion more than an evening to track the famed hero down.

Unfortunately, knowing where Tav was didn't exactly solve things. Nerves kept him pacing in front of the inn's door for nearly an hour as he listened to the music and clatter come from inside.

"Oh hells," he finally rasped as he walked into the place.

It wasn't hard to find Tav. His presence had always felt larger than life. He sat at a table facing a bard tapping his hand on the table while he enjoyed the music. It stole Astarion's breath to see him again after all this time. He wove his way to the bar always keeping Tav in his vision. Finally, two ales in hand he made his way over.

"Is this seat taken, handsome?" He asked setting down the drinks.

Tav whipped towards Astarion nearly upending the table trying to stand.

"Come now, lover, you don't want to interrupt the music."

The other man sat back down slowly never taking his eyes off Astarion.

"You look-" Tav stopped still processing the man before him. "Gods it's so good to see you." He reached his hand across the table but hesitated unsure. Astarion met him half way grasping his hand enjoying the warmth that Tav always radiated.

"Please come home. Shadowheart is here and there's something we need to discuss."

All three of them sat at a table. Despite the reception at the tavern an uneasiness had settled between Astarion and Tav. Neither knew how to act around the other right now. Their bond was strained further than it ever had before.

"It's called True Resurrection." Astarion started. "It's a known cure for vampirism."

At the mention of cure Tav turned in his seat giving his full attention.

"It's not a complicated ritual," Shadowheart continued, "but it does require certain sacrifice. If we execute it correctly, Astarion will finally be free."

Tav's eyes narrowed. " If ?  Sacrifice ?"

"Ah yes about that," Astarion looked sheepish as he continued, "It's a simple matter really, darling. I'll need you to kill me."

The conversation hadn't exactly gone well after that. Tav had yelled pacing the room clearly unhappy with the solution he and Shadowheart had come up with. It couldn't be a complete loss however because instead of storming out of the house Tav had taken an exhausted breath and said simply, "I'm going to bed."

Astarion stood now outside of the room they had once shared when Tav still thought everything would be fine. He opened the door creeping in trying not to wake the other man. Of course it didn't work. As soon as he got close Tav shifted to the far edge opening his arms. Greedily, Astarion climbed in hungry for the touch he missed so dearly.

"I don't want to hear more about it right now. I want to sleep and hold you. Can you do that?"

Astarion smiled sinking into Tav's body. "Not even a little heavy petting then?"

Tav's eyes opened with a piercing glare, "Don't tempt me right now."

Astarion brought a hand to his chest in mock offense, "Me? I would never!"

They settled in like that holding each other, both warring with their thoughts.

"Walk me through it again." Tav said as he sat on their bed reading over the scroll.

"Honestly it's simple." Tav grunted at that but let Astarion continue.

"Shadowheart builds the ritual circle and maintains it. I lay there looking absolutely ravishing- you know I should really get a nice outfit for the occasion-"

"Astarion," Tav growled.

"No fun. Anyway you put the knife through my heart, wait til I'm more dead than I already am, and Shadowheart burns the scroll. Easy."

"Astarion?"

The man in question turned from his pacing trying to adopt an air of confidence, "Yes, my sweet?"

Tav looked up from the scroll a furrow in his brows. "What is this 'weight of the balance' bit?"

Well shit, he'd found it. Of course he had.

"Nothing really just a small worthiness clause. Barely needs considering."

Tav's eyes narrowed. "Worthiness? You're telling me some arbitrary deity is going to look at your life and decide whether or not the spell works?"

"Well, I would like to think my beauty will count for at least half of the decision," He said with a genial flourish of his hand.

Tav exploded, emotions bleeding into his words, "For hells sake Astarion, will you stop joking about this. As far as I can tell this isn't a cure. It's a trap!"

Tav stood taking up his own pacing muttering curses about death obsessed vampires.

"But it's not a trap." Tav stopped his movement facing Astarion as the vampire spoke.

"Tav the entire time I've known you all you've ever done is try to show me my worth. Well, congratulations you've finally succeeded. I am worthy Tav and I can't do this if suddenly that isn't true for you anymore."

All the air from Tav's lungs left his body in a rush. He closed the distance between them and wrapped Astarion in his arms. His hands came up to frame the vampire's face as he rested their foreheads together.

"Gods Astarion. Of course you are worthy."

He tilted his head then. The kiss was tentative at first but both of them were so starved for the other's touch it progressed quickly. Mouths crashing together each of them trying to express their fear and worry and love.

Astarion drew back first breaking the connection with a pant, "Thank you for believing in me."

Turns out it really wasn't that complicated. Shadowheart set up all the ritual aspects leaving Tav to sit there obsessively turning over the knife in his hands. He wouldn't look at either of them still not quite believing he had been talked into it.

"It's time." Shadowheart said gently taking her place at the head of the circle she had made.

Astarion stood before all of it uncertainly written across his face. "Part of me feels like I should make a speech but I'm afraid I'm going to wretch if I think about this any longer."

He settled on to the floor looking up at Tav, "I suppose it shouldn't go without saying just in case, however, that I love you."

Tav bent leaving a chastise kiss on Astarion's lips, "All that I am, for all of time, is yours."

Astarion nodded first to Tav and then to Shadowheart. He was ready.

The incantation started slow building magic that was eventually crackling throughout the room. Tav positioned himself. He reached down with his left hand gripping Astarion's own for dear life. Meanwhile, his right held the knife poised just above the chest. When the magic felt suffocating and as if their ears would pop Shadowheart yelled it was time.

Astarion locked his eyes on Tav. Watched the moment of complete turmoil and fear take over his face. He only hesitated a moment however.  Within the next second Tav was smashing down plunging the knife into Astarion's chest. It punched the air out of his lungs and the searing pain took over his every thought.

Tav couldn't believe he'd done it. He watched in horror as great spirts of blood bubbled from the wound as he withdrew the knife. He could feel the magic reaching a crescendo just as felt Astarion slip away. There was a great crash emanating from center of the circle as the scroll was burned flinging Tav and Shadowheart's bodies against the wall. In a rush it all ended like the very air had been sucked out of the room.

Groaning Tav began to crawl back to Astarion. He panicked and moved faster as he noticed a distinct lack of movement. There was no rise and fall of his chest. He wasn't breathing.

"Astarion!" Tav shouted tears coming easy as he reached the body before him. He shook him sobbing when his form remained lifeless.

"Shadowheart do something!" He cried whipping his face toward her. She just sat there in shock repeating over and over that she'd done it exactly right.

There was movement and a cough just then as Astarion finally started to change beneath him. It was incredible to watch. Warmth surged through the skin under his hands as it became more tan and golden in color. He locked his gaze on Astarion's face gripping him tightly by the shoulders willing him to wake.

Finally Astarion's eyes fluttered open and Tav let out a gasp at the color so different from before.

Astarion's smile was radiant as he reached a shaky hand to cup Tav's face.

"Oh hello, lover."