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"You are gonna be an elder brother soon. Isn't it exciting?"
"Rin, Say hi to Sae. Oh yes, wave just like that. My smart baby!"
"Sae and Rin is not only my responsibility! You know how hard it is to manage kids! To hell with you and your so called office work. You think I am a fool here? You don't think I don't want to go out and have fun once in while? You can't take away my freedom. Sometimes I think I have done the biggest mistake of birthing your children."
"Sae, you are the elder brother. Make sure Rin doesn't hurt himself. Take care of him."
"Where are the bills? Where is the promised money? Are we playing games now honey?!"
"I am leaving you with your damn curses. Here are the divorce papers. Have fun with your prostitute!"
And she left like that.
Itoshi Yuki, matron of Itoshi household was once a happy and very lovely woman. Her vibrant red hair and teal eyes would always had an unique shine. She always had a cool composure like her name, which means snow, her personality however was of sunny grassland.
But after birth of Rin, it was like life started to suck out of her. Her beautiful smile, which Sae was accustomed of waking every morning, got rarer to rarer until there was no trace of it.
As though she was naturally dead.
She became colder and colder, anger always on her nose whenever his father would come home late. Her perfect personification of a loving mother and wife broke day by day, showing her hidden ugly colors.
When she couldn't take it anymore, she left them, without any remorse, as though once upon a time they were not the ones she would gladly die for.
Till date he has no idea what provoked her or what made her like this, yet in his memories she was a person who loved them, not is loving them, otherwise she would not treat them last like they were her biggest regrets.
That thunder night, she not only left with her bags but also a cracked heart. She was angry but her tears displayed her pain.
Sae don't pity her. He loved the part she was and hates what she became. Not once, she came back to check on them, not a single meet, as though they never mattered to her at all.
Maybe they never did. Maybe this was all for her perfect role, which he won't be surprised of as she once was the leading star in local musicals.
Rin took all the good parts of her, from the body structure, eyes to her shine. While he had her red hair, they were nowhere as beautiful as her. The eyes were same but slightly lacking as compared to her and Rin's, only visible if you see closely.
Her cutting words and the coldness she enclosed in her heart, however was something which was passed to him from starting. Difference was he didn't hide it unlike her.
He loathes to miss her since she was the only who would have understood him and yet left him.
His father is no saint either. He knew his wife was suffering from some mental illness or depression but instead of helping her or taking her to a therapist, he just handcuffed himself to office and outings with his friends.
Or a suspected marital affair.
He neglected them before the divorce and after that, he didn't even acknowledged them. He straight away didn't even wait and there was another wedding taking place after six months.
So his mother was right.
The only time he ever gave proper attention to them was to introduce his new wife and when Sae himself earned the opportunity to go to Spain.
Everything was fake in his home expect Rin he thought, alas, he himself had a hidden monster so similar yet different than mother which he saw shine in the U-20 match field that day.
He won't lie and say he wasn't envious of the ugly monster Rin has. Despite its horrendous looks, the play was one which made the heart dance and beautiful in other way, the ego of a striker which he failed at.
He was practically the one who raised Rin, in spite of what is written on birth certificates. He was parent in all but name. He didn't hate it but always taking care of him even though he was a child himself was suffocating at times, which he ignored.
Like all the times he ignored his feelings.
Even though Rin did remind him of his mother sometimes, he was different from her.
He didn't leave him after all.
Leaving Rin first time alone was something would happen one day he knew that but this early somehow made him feel uneasy. He was excited to show the skills of the best striker on one hand. On other, he did feel slightly afraid of the unknown.
His ego got crushed under the foot day by day until there was nothing but frustration left inside him. The plans he had to achieve all went in vain as he tasted defeat almost everyday in Spain.
He hated those smug faces, he hated failing, he decided.
Why can't he score as he used to? Why his every attempt was getting shot down so easily?
And then he realized that maybe he wasn't made for being a striker, as his mother wasn't made for being a mother. He won't waste any more energy in the futile attempts if they are not leading him anywhere.
He trained hard, he worked on new styles, planned new tactics and then he was in the way of being the best midfielder in the world. He did feel sad imagining his brother's disappointment on him quitting their dream of being the best strikers in world but he couldn't take it anymore.
Maybe they still can be best, but as the duo of best midfielder and best striker in the world.
It seems he overestimated his brother's maturity level. Instead of understanding and asking about his well being or anything which would indicate that he actually do care about his thoughts, his decisions, he started blaming him.
He didn't even try to understand the situation or asked for any clarification. Started a tantrum like the brat he is.
Rin is his father's son after all as Sae is. Selfish for himself.
So he broke the only connection he felt something with, like his mother broke with their family, without any regret, only disgust. He was seriously a fool to even think that Rin would understand. He still lives in fairyland. His play is so lacking. He isn't even ready to face the real world.
So why not show him this sooner ?
His already bleeding heart can take more bruises.
With that, he closed the chapter of their shared dream. Again he misjudged how Rin can be stubborn than he gave him credit.
He is still dangling in that rope but his plays had grown. He has improved. He will acknowledge that his praise towards Isagi was a cruel blow to his brother's feelings but truth is nothing but bitter.
He want Rin to detach from him. He can't always search for his Nii- chan's finger to guide him in the crowd.
People are after all, bound to leave one day.
Looking at mirror everyday, he only sees tired eyes, making him remember her.
But looking at mirror now, he can also see Rin in them. He would never admit this in open but he does feel guilty even though he justifies within self that it was needed.
He was tired of the expectations, he is tired of fulfilling people's wishes. He wants to live for himself but when he thinks about living, he doesn't understand its concept.
What is even living? What makes a person alive? Is it happiness and warmness in the heart which is so foreign to him?
The only emotions he feel is boredom, disgust for people, for himself and his mother when alone. He never liked feeling though.
So what is he living for?
If he was ten, he would have said without hesitation, football, his brother and their shared dream.
Now?
He hesitates to even say it loud.
He likes the way his mind goes in autopilot when he plays, visualizing all plays that can be done on the field, all logic, no heart required to feel stupid feelings. He is calm and collected, confident while being a midfielder but there is always a moment where he want to feel that rush of the striker, where the only thing present is him, the football at his feet and the goalpost.
Feelings have always been a weakness and this became more apparent as he saw people acting upon it without even thinking. They committed things which they regretted and he has no more place for any regrets, not anymore.
He punches the mirror as his traitorous tears starts flowing. He wants to feel something which is different from what he feel usually and yet when he feels it, he starts to hate himself more.
The glass pieces r stuck to his knuckles, his blood creating patterns on his hand. There is just slight pain and yet it isn't satisfactory to cool down his hatred, however temporary the relief is.
He opens the drawer and takes out the razor- his paintbrush for the canvas, his body. He takes it in his bloodied hand and traces it with different strokes on his left arm, adding decorations to the smooth pale skin.
He smiles, as painful it is, as more blood drip on the bathroom floor. How beautiful the color is, the way it flows, the way it travels across his skin, the way it drops, all fascinating.
And yet her bloody red hair always haunts him at last.
He is a mess, however he not pretend to be. His whole family is a mess. They all are like insectivorous plants. Beautiful and attracting outside and once someone comes near them, sucks them in and taints them with their ugliness inside.
He wish he could tear out his skin, bite it out totally. He sometimes think to end it all and yet he can't make himself to, it ain't the answer, he won't die without it.
Maybe he and Rin can have a happy ending....
He snorts at that thought as fast it came on his already damaged mind. It is nearly impossible for them to be like before even if they made amends.
Won't it be better than what it is now?
No
Never
Past is past.
He is not risking Rin to be attached to him again. They would suck each other out and there would be nothing left but empty shells which he is, but not Rin yet. There is no place for healthy relationships in their family.
They all die at last.
Resuming his previous task, he bites down hard on his right wrist, making blood flow faster. He would have bite harder as he wished if it was the time. He kept biting as each deep rotten thought in his mind hit him.
He can feel the pain more clearly now as the haze slowly starts to clear in his mind. He detaches his teeth and takes a deep long breath as everything stops.
Finally he achieved what he wished for.
He sits on the floor, one leg on the other, between the broken mirror pieces , blood stains under the florescent light for how long, he don't know.
He closes his eyes and leans his head back, and opens them, repeating the pattern of closing and opening eyes. He has no thoughts, he can't feel any emotions which he don't understand, there is only him, alone with his razor and sound of heartbeat.
Lub dub
Lub dub
Lub dub
The pattern of the soothing sound broke as his phone rang. He didn't want to move from here. He want to spend the eternity but sadly, he need to return to world.
Getting up with struggle, he picks his phone and sees the name of none other than his brother's name on caller Id.
He finally called him.
He don't question how his brother got his number. He accepts the call as he puts it on speaker. He can't bother to lift it to his ear as he would make the phone screen dirty.
"Hello? Is this Itoshi Sae san?"
"Yes. Who is this?"
"This is General hospital, Tokyo. We regret to inform you this news that your brother, Itoshi Rin, has died in a tragic accident, just few minutes back."
He falls down with his phone as he losses his grip on it.
"Hello? Itoshi san? Itoshi san?"
and the call ended.