Chapter Text
Lu Guang woke up to the sound of their metal bed frame squeaking. His bleary eyes darted across the room in confusion, his vision shaking. Was there an earthquake? He was too disoriented to get a grasp on the situation as he was struggling to free himself from the warm embrace of his sheets.
It took a second for him to blink the sleep away, panic settling in his stomach before he was finally able to sit up and realised what was happening.
This wasn’t an earthquake.
He grabbed onto the cool steelen hand guard and peered over the edge of his mattress, down at the lower bunk, where Cheng Xiaoshi was supposed to be sleeping soundly.
What Lu Guang’s eyes landed on instead though was the brunette’s face, twisted up in a pained grimace. Cheng Xiaoshi was gripping his shirt so tight, his knuckles had turned almost completely white, his shirt soaked through with sweat.
Lu Guang felt a knot forming in his throat as he hurriedly climbed down the ladder to somehow soothe his best friend.
These night terrors had been an almost daily occurrence for a time now. Cheng Xiaoshi had seemed fine upon their return home from the hospital, considering the circumstances. But this had proven to only be temporary, as now Lu Guang found himself waking up to the shaking of his bed almost every single night.
Cheng Xiaoshi had begun to spiral as soon as things had calmed down. They had decided to no longer take requests for dives, at least not for a while and the amount of regular customers had dwindled significantly after word had spread about someone getting stabbed in their studio. All of the quiet had left them to their own thoughts far too much, resulting in the present situation.
Lu Guang opted to skip the last three steps of the ladder, carefully jumping down the remaining distance, his eyes landing on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face again. Only now could Lu Guang see how miserable he really looked: bangs plastered to the cold sweat on his forehead, cheeks streaked with tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. Quiet whimpers escaped Cheng Xiaoshi as he thrashed around; he was biting down on his lip so hard, it looked bruised.
“No…,” he choked out before a loud sob ripped through the otherwise quiet room.
Lu Guang swallowed heavily. His heart ached at having to see Cheng Xiaoshi like this. There wasn’t much he could do to help and it tore him up inside to not be able to do more.
He gingerly sat down next to Cheng Xiaoshi, who was still tossing. His breathing was so fast, Lu Guang was worried he’d choke.
Lu Guang carefully placed his right hand on top of the one Cheng Xiaoshi had buried in the fabric of his dampened shirt, gently stroking over it with his thumb. His other hand found its position on Cheng Xiaoshi’s head, carefully brushing his bangs out of the way before rubbing soothing patterns through his dishevelled hair.
This had become a routine by now, one Lu Guang didn’t enjoy in the slightest.
Not because he didn’t like being close to Cheng Xiaoshi, but because it had to always be accompanied by his misery.
“It’s okay, I’m here,” he whispered in a low hum. Cheng Xiaoshi’s pained expression didn’t fade though so Lu Guang moved his left hand down to cup Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheek, cool fingers touching scalding hot skin. Lu Guang tried to wipe away his tears but they just kept coming.
Sometimes Lu Guang still wondered what it was that left Cheng Xiaoshi so terrified each night, but he never wanted to talk about it, so Lu Guang never pressed for an answer. It didn’t help with his concern not to know what it was that was bothering Cheng Xiaoshi, but he respected his best friend’s decision.
Lu Guang’s chest felt uncomfortably tight as Cheng Xiaoshi let go of his shirt, grabbing Lu Guang’s hand instead, holding onto it like it was his life line.
He kept whispering to Cheng Xiaoshi, gently caressing his hair and holding his hand. He wasn’t sure how long it had been, he was just humming a gentle tune, when he could finally hear Cheng Xiaoshi’s breathing gradually slow down, his grip relaxing.
Lu Guang let out a soft sigh. He stayed a while longer until he was sure that Cheng Xiaoshi was soundly asleep, carefully peeling the brunette’s clammy hand away from his own.
Lu Guang stood up, sleepiness clouding his vision. He lazily rubbed at his eyes but it did nothing but leave them feeling sore. Glancing at his wrist watch, Lu Guang confirmed the time: it was 4:35 in the morning.
Lu Guang had a hard time going back to sleep after witnessing one of Cheng Xiaoshi’s nightmares, that had never changed in all the years he’d known him for. Cheng Xiaoshi had always been prone to nightmares, they had been especially bad after having witnessed the earthquake but then had gradually become fewer and farther between. That was, until Lu Guang had nearly died and Cheng Xiaoshi had witnessed Li Tianxi’s murder.
It had never been as bad as it was now and it worried Lu Guang tremendously.
With each nightmare the dark circles under Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes grew darker and heavier, his dark brown irises looking ever duller.
Lu Guang wasn’t faring much better himself, the images of Cheng Xiaoshi dying in his arms still haunted him. The deep crimson blood staining his hands, his clothes. The last picture, taken a year and a half ago. His last chance. His hands clapping together. Everything reverting to that moment. Cheng Xiaoshi sitting in front of him, still breathing, alive. The overwhelming urge to cry, to wrap his arms around Cheng Xiaoshi and never let go again.
He remembered all of it.
The memories followed him wherever he went, torturing his sleep, popping up every time he looked at Cheng Xiaoshi.
Seemingly they were both being tormented by the other’s (near) death.
The timeline had changed significantly after he had nearly been murdered and now he wasn’t sure what would happen anymore. It left him anxious and feeling helpless.
He felt terrified, seeing Cheng Xiaoshi get worse with each passing day, which in turn made his own anxiety grow larger and larger, ensnaring him ever tighter.
Lu Guang didn’t know which actions would bring them closer to their impending doom, which ones would help them elude it.
He had made up his mind to be by Cheng Xiaoshi’s side at all times, or at least in the same building as him, to keep an eye on and protect him. He could no longer predict what was going to happen from here on so he was going to have to try even harder to keep him safe and, most importantly, alive. That was all he lived for after all, it had become his life’s goal, his purpose, the only reason he came back.
He could simply not imagine his life without Cheng Xiaoshi anymore.
No more laughs or late nights, no more boba orders, no more takeout. No more bickering or groaning, no more being called an old man. No more flushed cheeks, content giggles or smiles so bright they might put the sun to shame.
No more Cheng Xiaoshi, the very centre of his entire existence.
Lu Guang swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, his mouth dry like sandpaper. It was decidedly too early for a panic attack, so he took a few deep breaths in and out, trying to calm his spiking heart rate.
Noticing that he had been staring at Cheng Xiaoshi for a while, Lu Guang decided that he needed a cup of coffee. He wasn’t going back to bed anyway and he was parched, so he’d just have to sit down with a book for the time being.
He slowly opened the bedroom door, careful not to wake Cheng Xiaoshi and slipped out of the room, heading downstairs in just his pyjamas.
His home was the only place where he felt okay with leaving Cheng Xiaoshi in another room, but only as long as it was just the two of them in the building or Cheng Xiaoshi was still within his sight. It made sense, considering what had happened.
He shivered a little at the chilly air that greeted him downstairs. It was September now so the weather had started to cool down, the first few yellow leaves peaking through the green canopy at the park just down the block.
Soon the days would be shorter and the sun set earlier and if Lu Guang was honest with himself, he was dreading it.
He could tell that Cheng Xiaoshi was barely holding it together, about to rip open at the seams and Lu Guang worried that the cold weather might make his friend feel even worse.
Lu Guang shook his head to shoo away these anxious thoughts. He’d just have to try harder to be there for Cheng Xiaoshi, take him out to do fun things, try to take his mind off everything that had happened. Maybe he would even be able to convince Cheng Xiaoshi to talk to a professional about it all, even though that might prove to be difficult, given his friend’s thick-headed nature and the circumstances of the events that caused his distress.
A chill ran up his legs as his feet hit the tile flooring. He should at least have put on some socks but it was too late now. Lu Guang continued shuffling towards the kitchen, absentmindedly rounding the corner. His thoughts were now focused on the delicious cup of coffee he was about to have, when suddenly he felt something grab at the hem of his shirt.
Lu Guang whirled around so quickly, it nearly made him trip, his own heartbeat thudding away in his ears. He was half prepared to fight whatever had just grabbed him, but his gaze softened considerably when he saw Cheng Xiaoshi in front of him. Lu Guang let out a relieved sigh.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheeks were flushed, tears clearly prickling at his eyes. The poor guy was trembling all over.
“Uhm, I’m sorry… I, I woke up and you were gone, so I kind of… panicked…,” Cheng Xiaoshi began quietly, averting his gaze to try and hide the tears that were now snaking their way down his cheeks.
Lu Guang swallowed thickly. He wanted to beat himself to a pulp for thinking that Cheng Xiaoshi looked adorable.
Without a thought Lu Guang’s arms had wrapped themselves around Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang pulled him close to his chest. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you,” he said, feeling guilty for having left. He should’ve stayed with him, coffee be damned.
Idiot, he reprimanded himself.
“Mhm, it’s fine,” Cheng Xiaoshi croaked, burying his face into Lu Guang’s shoulder.
They stayed like this for a while, Lu Guang futilely trying to calm his racing heart as Cheng Xiaoshi nuzzled against the exposed skin of his neck.
Every now and then a car would drive by, the headlights filtering into the studio through the front windows, shadows dancing across the walls.
Lu Guang’s left hand was rubbing soothing circles across Cheng Xiaoshi’s back as he was sniffling, the other holding his wrist, Lu Guang feeling Cheng Xiaoshi’s pulse thumping away against his cold fingertips. He had gotten skinnier again, Lu Guang noted, brows furrowed with worry.
A few more minutes passed before Cheng Xiaoshi pulled back slightly, Lu Guangs hands still lingering on his waist and wrist, reluctant to let go. Lu Guang was scared Cheng Xiaoshi would just disappear if he did.
“Feeling a little better?” Lu Guang asked, gaze soft as he cocked his head to the side.
Cheng Xiaoshi looked up through damp lashes, eyes red and puffy. He looked awful, really, and Lu Guang wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and just coddle him.
“A little bit, yeah,” Cheng Xiaoshi replied with a meek smile, but Lu Guang could tell that he was still shaken up from the way he was trembling.
Lu Guang let his right hand slip lower to loosely wrap his slender fingers around Cheng Xiaoshi’s own, leading him towards the couch in the back room.
Cheng Xiaoshi was still in his sweat-soaked shirt and basketball shorts, seemingly having foregone putting on some slippers or socks as well.
“Stay here, I’ll make some tea,” Lu Guang said sternly as he sat Cheng Xiaoshi down on the couch. He grabbed the folded tartan blanket that was hanging off the side of the couch, unfurling it to cautiously wrap it around the shivering picture of misery in front of him.
Cheng Xiaoshi gave him a small nod, pulling his knees up to his chin and burying himself in the large blanket.
It smelled like Lu Guang, as he always used it when reading on the couch or taking naps during their closing hours. He really liked Lu Guang’s smell he had found, intermingling notes of osmanthus, ginger and sandalwood.
It was one of the few things that could bring his mind at ease.
Cheng Xiashi closed his eyes, nosing against the soft fabric.
He could hear the soft pattering of Lu Guang’s feet against the tiled floor as he made his way into the kitchen.
Silence. Then the creaking of a cupboard, the clattering of porcelain. The splashing of water, boiling of the kettle.
Cheng Xiaoshi focussed on these little sounds filling the quiet night, telling him he wasn’t alone. He felt like it sometimes.
More often than not, actually. At least it had been that way lately.
Lu Guang returned shortly after, two mugs in hand. One of them was yellow, a little chibi dog chasing a butterfly, the other was purple with a cat calmly sleeping on it.
Cheng Xiaoshi raised his head at the aroma wafting towards him. It smelled like jasmine.
He slowly untangled his arms from his legs and the blanket, shuffling towards the front of the couch.
His eyes were glued to Lu Guang as the younger man carefully made his way towards him, eyeing the mugs all the while. Cheng Xiaoshi found Lu Guang to look quite ethereal this late at night, moonlight dancing around his white hair, giving it an almost silver sheen.
Cheng Xiaoshi gulped as Lu Guang set down the mugs in front of him, shooting him a look to scoot over, which Cheng Xiaoshi quickly did.
Lu Guang plopped down onto the couch and only now could Cheng Xiaoshi see how tired he looked, deep purple eyebags seemingly having taken up permanent residence below his tired eyes. He looked pained.
Cheng Xiaoshi gave him a weak smile, offering part of the blanket to Lu Guang which he happily accepted, considering how cold he had been feeling, goosebumps covering every inch of his pale skin.
They both wrapped their frigid fingers around their respective mugs, as if in tandem.
Cheng Xiaoshi took a hesitant sip of the scalding beverage, sweetness filling his mouth and burning his tongue. He could taste the honey Lu Guang had added to adjust the taste to Cheng Xiaoshi’s preferred amount of sugariness.
He hummed contentedly.
“Does it taste okay?” Lu Guang asked with his mouth still on the rim of his mug, his gaze fixed on Cheng Xiaoshi, a gentle look in his eyes.
Cheng Xiaoshi nodded, the tender warmth travelling down his throat, gradually branching out from his stomach.
“Thank you, Lu Guang,” he whispered, and his cheeks warmed as he watched the ripples traverse the surface of his tea.
Lu Guang hummed as he took a big gulp of his own brew, not caring for the heat numbing his tongue.
He set his half empty mug on the table again and turned around to face his partner, eyeing his sunken face.
Lu Guang had realised that Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t eating well, but this was reaching concerning degrees now. He had assumed it to be due to his obvious depressed state, but regardless, he’d have to do something about this.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lu Guang eventually asked, tentatively and as gently as possible, his hands folded in his lap.
Cheng Xiaoshi swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut in hopes of extinguishing the anxious feeling settling in his gut.
He desperately tried to force the images out of his head.
Emma jumping off the bridge right in front of him.
Lu Guang bleeding out on their old couch.
Possessed Qiao Ling about to stab herself in the throat.
Lu Guang bleeding out on their old couch.
Li Tianxi being shot dead right in front of him.
Lu Guang bleeding out on their couch.
His parents leaving him.
Lu Guang bleeding out—
Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands shook so badly he dropped his mug, the porcelain landing on the rug with a dull thud, the tea soaking into the fibres.
His throat burned from how quickly he was trying to breathe, a tingling sensation spreading from his lips to his cheeks and down his arms.
His chest felt tight and his heart hurt. It felt like he was about to die.
Choked sobs escaped as he brought his knees to his face, fists pulling at his own hair, rocking back and forth in a futile attempt to soothe himself.
Everyone was going to leave him. His parents already had and Lu Guang was going to as well. He’d just pack up and leave one day, fed up with his nightmares, his panic attacks and his immaturity.
Nobody would stick with a pathetic failure such as him.
It was all his fault. All these dead people.
Their faces were haunting his dreams every night.
All of it had been his fault and he would never be able to atone for it, no matter what he did.
Maybe the world would be better off without -
Strong arms snaked around his back, pulling him into a warm embrace.
Cheng Xiaoshi let go of his hair, his scalp felt like it was on fire. His quivering fingers latched onto Lu Guangs arm, nails digging into delicate skin, but Lu Guang didn’t complain.
He just held Cheng Xiaoshi, eventually pulling him into his lap, cradling him protectively.
Cheng Xiaoshi buried his face against Lu Guang's chest, staining his shirt, but Lu Guang didn’t mind.
He hugged Cheng Xiaoshi tightly, whispered positive affirmations and caressed his hair.
“I’m so sorry,” Lu Guang whispered when Cheng Xiaoshi had finally cried himself to sleep in his arms.
He shouldn't have asked. How many times was he going to make this stupid mistake?
Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand that had been gripping onto Lu Guang’s arm was now lying in his lap, nose nuzzling against Lu Guang’s clavicle.
Lu Guang rested his head on top of Cheng Xiaoshi’s, smelling their strawberry shampoo.
His heart felt heavy.
He pulled the brunette a little closer, scared he’d lose him if he didn’t.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s soft, warm breaths tickled the skin on his neck, sending tingles down his spine.
Lu Guang tried to swallow the knot forming in his throat.
He felt like he was helpless, unable to do anything for his friend other than hold him.
But most of all he felt guilty.
Guilty for having been the one to introduce Cheng Xiaoshi to the world of time travel.
Guilty for not having done more to keep Cheng Xiaoshi from accepting the cases given to them by the police back then.
Guilty for having nearly died in front of his best friend and having traumatised him.
Guilty for letting Cheng Xiaoshi see Li Tianxi die.
All of it was his fault, really, but instead Cheng Xiaoshi blamed himself for everything while still looking at Lu Guang with the same affectionate gaze as always.
Lu Guang didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve forgiveness.
Would Cheng Xiaoshi still forgive him if he knew that Lu Guang had let him die in other timelines, had not protected him enough? Lu Guang hoped he wouldn’t.
If he was completely honest, Lu Guang had a pretty good idea what Cheng Xiaoshi’s nightmares were about, even without him opening up about them.
And he knew that he should’ve done more. If he had, Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn’t have to suffer like this.
But what he felt the guiltiest about was still holding these feelings for him despite everything.
Lu Guang knew that nothing could ever come of it.
Even if there ever were mutual feelings between them, he knew that the circumstances would never allow for anything more.
And in the unlikely event something did come of it, he didn't deserve it. He simply couldn’t allow himself.
Cheng Xiaoshi deserved so much better than him.
He had always tried to push these emotions to the back of his mind, tried to smother the embers, but it proved to be much harder than he had ever imagined.
They just kept bubbling up, over and over, and Lu Guang loathed himself for it.
Lu Guang felt Cheng Xiaoshi shift slightly in his arms, whining quietly.
He carefully rubbed his back, at which Cheng Xiaoshi made a pleased noise.
Lu Guang’s legs had gone numb at this point but he didn’t care. If it were at all possible, he’d never let go of Cheng Xiaoshi again.
His eyelids felt like they were weighted down by lead blocks, eventually fluttering shut.
Lu Guang woke up to the sound of the door greeter.
Opening his eyes proved to be a struggle, it was near impossible to escape sleep’s warm embrace.
It was a Saturday and the door had been locked, so the someone who had just entered their studio could only be one person.
“Hello?” Qiao Ling’s voice rang down the corridor.
Lu Guang made a disgruntled noise, shifting his position slightly.
He blinked a few times, sunlight filtering in through his lashes.
It was bright out now, and at some point during the night Cheng Xiaoshi and him had ended up lying next to each other on the couch, the blanket sprawled lazily across them.
Cheng Xiaoshi was sleeping soundly in his arms, his hair clinging to his face, eyes rubbed raw and cheeks flushed.
Lu Guang breath caught in his throat, listening to Cheng Xiaoshi’s quiet little breaths.
He moved the hand that had been resting on Cheng Xiaoshi’s waist up to his face, careful not to wake him and gingerly stroked the loose strands of hair out of Cheng Xiaoshi’s face, slipping them behind his ear.
Lu Guang’s hand remained there, thumb softly rubbing Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheek.
He was still here, alive and warm and breathing. The sun illuminated his handsome features, making Lu Guang’s heart stutter.
Lu Guang felt a lot more awake all of a sudden.
He quickly retracted his hand when he heard Qiao Ling rounding the corner.
He closed his eyes again, pretending to still be asleep.
“There you are,” Qiao Ling sighed, relief evident in her tone.
Judging by her footsteps and the crinkling of the grocery bags she was evidently carrying, she was now standing right next to them, looking down at the two sleeping boys.
Lu Guang’s heart was racing. Why did it feel like he was doing something forbidden here?
“Aiya, what’s this?” she said. Qiao Ling was obviously grinning from ear to ear.
Lu Guang couldn’t help but furrow his brows at her teasing tone.
He opened his eyes once more, sitting up much faster than he was intending to, his head spinning.
He glared at Qiao Ling, eyes struggling to focus due to his dizziness.
Sure enough, she was grinning, just as he had known she would be.
“What are you doing here?” Lu Guang asked, stretching his limbs with one eyebrow raised.
He grimaced at the cracking of his spine. Sleeping on the couch had clearly done a number on it.
“Neither of you answered your phones, which worried me, so I came to check,” Qiao Ling chided, arms crossed in front of her small frame.
“Sorry about that, our phones are upstairs,” Lu Guang yawned, rubbing his eyes groggily.
Cheng Xiaoshi stirred slightly behind him. Lu Guang turned around to check on him, his eyes meeting sleepy brown.
His heart squeezed tightly in his chest. He’d give everything he had to wake up to this every day.
“Good morning,” Lu Guang hummed, giving Cheng Xiaoshi a gentle smile.
“Morning, mhm…,” Cheng Xiaoshi started but it quickly turned into a pained groan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“You two look awful,” Qiao Ling remarked from behind them.
“Why, thank you,” Cheng Xiaoshi groaned, his head flopping back onto the couch.
He would’ve rolled his eyes at her too had his head not been killing him.
Lu Guang exhaled through his nose, clearly amused by their banter as he got up, trekking to the kitchen to grab some pain medicine to stave off the headache that was clearly plaguing Cheng Xiaoshi.
He quickly filled a glass with tap water before dropping an aspirin tablet into it.
Upon his return to the living room, Qiao Ling had helped Cheng Xiaoshi into a sitting position, tugging his shirt back up so that it was no longer exposing half his chest.
Lu Guang hadn’t noticed it beneath the blanket. Thank God he hadn’t.
Lu Guang cleared his throat as he stepped up to them, handing Cheng Xiaoshi the glass.
“Drink this, it’ll help you feel better,” he said and Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes met his, an apprehensive look on his face. Lu Guang gave him an encouraging nod, then Cheng Xiaoshi wordlessly downed the liquid, his face bunching up in disgust at the salty taste.
Lu Guang had expected a quip, something along the lines of “Are you trying to poison me?!”, but nothing of the sort came. Must be a pretty bad headache, he thought to himself.
Lu Guang bent down to pick up the mug that was still lying on the carpet and grabbed his own off the coffee table. He made a mental note to take care of the stain later. Luckily it had just been tea.
Qiao Ling made Cheng Xiaoshi lie back down, covering him with the blanket again before grabbing the bags off the table and following Lu Guang into the kitchen, where she set them onto the counter.
Lu Guang placed the mugs into the sink and turned towards the fridge with the plan to make some breakfast.
Before he even had the chance to open it though, Qiao Ling had grabbed him by the wrist, beckoning him to turn around.
“What’s up with him?” she asked, worry painted across her face.
“He had another nightmare…,” Lu Guang said, averting his gaze.
“Is that all? I have a hard time believing that alone made him end up like that,” she said, eyebrow raised.
There was that guilty feeling again.
“You know, they’ve gotten pretty bad lately…but you're right. When I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he had a panic attack,” he said bitterly, turning away to grab the supplies to make coffee instead.
He wordlessly put on the kettle and got the french press ready, pulling out the plunger and pouring the coffee grounds in.
Qiao Ling sighed deeply.
“It’s not your fault, you know. You’re there for him when he needs it. We’ll get him through this,” she said, grabbing more of the produce she had brought with her from the plastic grocery bags sitting on the kitchen counter. She then began to chop it up.
“It is though, isn’t it? No matter what I do, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough,” he mumbled quietly, hoping that the sound of the kettle would drown it out.
Admitting this out loud felt awful. Lu Guang wanted to vomit.
The kettle clicked and he mindlessly poured the hot water over the ground coffee. He then pushed the plunger back down, so it was just above the water.
Qiao Ling shot him a pitiful look. So she had heard after all.
She didn’t know how to reply, instead gesturing for Lu Guang to hand her a skillet.
He did as she asked and took a look at his watch. 9:12a.m.
Lu Guang watched her stir fry some vegetables for a few minutes before looking at his watch again. It was 9:16 now. Time for coffee.
He slowly pushed the plunger all the way down and pressed firmly.
Grabbing three fresh mugs from the overhead cupboard, he put them down on the counter before pouring the coffee into all of them, one black, one with creamer and the third with creamer and massive amounts of sugar.
Lu Guang grabbed the third one and took it into the living room.
Cheng Xiaoshi had seemingly fallen back asleep but Lu Guang still placed the mug on the table, pausing to stare at the sleeping boy for a while.
Despite everything, Cheng Xiaoshi was still so beautiful to him.
Lu Guang shook his head lightly to tear his eyes away, mentally scolding himself for thinking unnecessary thoughts again.
When he returned to the kitchen, Qiao Ling had now started to fry up some eggs, the rice cooker bubbling away on the counter next to the stovetop.
Lu Guang took a sip of his coffee, the bitter aroma flooding his taste buds.
He wondered if he should try out some spiked coffee, to calm his nerves and racing thoughts.
Probably not a good idea, he thought.
Lu Guang sat down on one of the small stools at the counter and closed his eyes, sipping away at his coffee and soaking up the morning noises.
He took a look at his watch again. 9:27a.m.
“Wow, this smells divine!” Cheng Xiaoshi exclaimed, causing both of them to turn around.
He was grinning sheepishly, rubbing through his messy hair.
He slowly made his way into the kitchen, the mug of coffee in his hand.
“Thanks for the coffee, Lu Guang,” he smiled, taking a seat at the counter next to him.
Lu Guang looked at Cheng Xiaoshi, giving him a small nod.
Qiao Ling turned around to make some small talk with Cheng Xiaoshi but Lu Guang paid no attention to it, lost in flashbacks and his thoughts of guilt, worry and self-loathing.
The anxiety was spiking his heart rate again and he took a big gulp of his brew.
“Thanks for the food!” Cheng Xiaoshi exclaimed, immediately bringing Lu Guang back to the present. He let out a deep breath as Qiao Ling placed the plates on the counter, then sat down across from them.
Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed his chopsticks but instead of wolfing down his food like he used to, he just uneasily stared at it, his usual enthused smile nowhere to be seen.
Eventually he picked off a few bites of the fried rice and ate half the egg, before placing his chopsticks back down.
Lu Guang eyed him carefully. He could tell Cheng Xiaoshi was distressed.
“Is it not good?” Qiao Ling asked, sounding a little sad.
“No, it’s delicious! I’m just not very hungry yet, I just woke up after all,” Cheng Xiaoshi replied with a nervous smile, scratching the back of his neck.
Lu Guang’s brows furrowed in concern. No wonder he had gotten so skinny.
“Actually, I think I’ll take a shower first, I’m still super sweaty and all,” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled as he got up, nearly falling over in the process as his vision briefly went dark.
Lu Guang jumped up, grabbing onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s arm to keep him from falling.
“Are you okay?” Lu Guang asked, beckoning him to sit back down but Cheng Xiaoshi peeled away from Lu Guang’s grasp.
He gave Lu Guang a bright smile. “I’m fine! Really,” he beamed, but Lu Guang could see the sheer exhaustion through it. The smile didn't reach his eyes.
He’d seen enough of Cheng Xiaoshi’s smiles, so dazzling and bright, to know this was not a genuine one.
How long had it been since he’d last seen Cheng Xiaoshi truly happy, his infectious laugh echoing off the studio’s walls, making Lu Guang’s heart squeeze with joy?
Lu Guang missed the simple days of idle happiness, the mundanity of their work, the repetitive nature of it all.
That had all ended the day Captain Xiao Li had come knocking on their door.
Now they rarely even had customers anymore and Cheng Xiaoshi was more often miserable than okay, much less happy.
Lu Guang thought that there was almost nothing he would stop at to get those days back.
He’d do whatever it took to bring that radiant, beautiful smile back onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s face.
Before Lu Guang could say anything though, Cheng Xiaoshi had already slipped past him, rushing up the stairs.
Just a moment later he could hear the squeaking of their bedroom door, the banging of a drawer. Then the bathroom door locked.
Qiao Ling shot Lu Guang a concerned look.
“I’ll go check on him,” Lu Guang gritted out before he too hurried upstairs.
The shower was already running but he could still hear the occasional choking noise, followed by a loud splashing sound.
The unmistakable sound of vomiting.
Lu Guang’s heart sank.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Cheng Xiaoshi was making himself sick in the shower. He had barely even eaten anything, so why?
Lu Guang’s heart pounded wildly in his chest and it was hard to breathe.
For a second he debated just kicking down the door but the choking soon stopped, replaced by muffled sobbing.
Lu Guang pressed his back against the bathroom door, sliding down against it until he hit the floor, burying his face in his hands.
He wanted to bawl, the tears prickling at his eyes.
His throat felt tight and burned as he forced himself to hold back the tears. He had to be strong for Cheng Xiaoshi.
Lu Guang shut his eyes, tightly wrapping his arms around himself.
This was the worst. And he couldn’t do anything but watch his best friend suffer.
Lu Guang thought that he had never felt this distressed before.
Except once.
He tried desperately not to remember the blood on his hands and Cheng Xiaoshi’s last strained breath.
The anguished sobs continued behind him, muffled by the sounds of the running shower.
As awful as it was for Lu Guang to just sit there and listen, at least the quiet whimpers were proof that Cheng Xiaoshi was still there, was still alive.
And Lu Guang would make damn sure it would stay this way, come what may.