Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The worry began to grow in her the day she saw a couple having sex in the backseat of their old, red Hyundai in a mall parking lot. The windows were fogged but a hand wiped the fog away, a hand attached to a woman with short, bleached brown hair and incredibly foxlike features. The woman's mouth was open, her eyebrows coming together in what looked like agony. Rhythmically she rocked back and forth, sweat dripping from her chin, while her partner threw his head back, flushed all the way down his chest.

"Attorney Woo!" Junho pulled her away from the car, letting out a short, sharp "Aich!" of disapproval towards the couple. With a gentle hand he adjusted their positions so that he stood between her and the car. As he walked beside her he apologized for what she had seen.

"There's nothing to apologize for," she said. "You didn't tell them to have sex in a public space. Also, I enjoyed looking."

Junho stopped walking for a second, throwing her a curious look. "Ah," he said. "...Right." Then, he shook his head as if shaking away a thought and continued walking beside her. "This place has a lot of good reviews that mention gimbap," he said, shifting the focus back to their lunch date with his easy charm. "I've been wanting to take you here for a while."

As she arranged her gimbap in two straight lines she could not get the image of the woman's expressive face out of her mind. 

"Right whales are known for their mating behavior," Woo Young Woo found herself saying. "It's known as a "mating frenzy"."

Junho looked up at her, pressing his lips together.

"The female right whale will mate with as many males as she can - over a dozen if possible. The males compete to go first and the volume of their sperm -"

"I see," Junho cut in. He turned incredibly red. "That sounds...stressful."

Woo Young Woo nodded in agreement. "I wonder if they enjoy it. I have to do more research. Sometimes, it's hard to tell whether a whale enjoys something or does it from a biological drive." 

"Both can be true," Junho mused. "We enjoy a lot of things we do out of biological drive." After a moment, he sighed heavily and asked, "Attorney Woo...are you really okay after what you saw earlier?"

"Of course," she said. "It's just...she looked like she was in pain."

Junho shook his head and said, "Not pain."

Woo Young Woo nodded slowly. "Hmmm.”

Junho paused, hesitating before adding, "That type of pleasure...it can be very intense and overwhelming and almost feel like pain. She seemed - fine. If that's what's bothering you."

"I'm not bothered at all," she said. Something deep inside of her twisted, objecting. She stifled it, choosing to focus instead on the warmth in her boyfriend's eyes as he deftly changed the subject, the way he leaned forward as he spoke as if magnetized to her. She was not bothered, she told herself. Not at all.

This was not the first time she witnessed a couple having an intimate encounter. The first time, she was in elementary school, walking home after a long and emotionally exhausting day. They were in the alley between two buildings, fully dressed but with their hands inside of each other's clothes, making strange sounds between gasps. She stopped and stared then, too, until the woman had opened her eyes and caught sight of her and screeched in alarm, a screech so loud that Young Woo cringed and ran away. She'd thought about that moment over the years. The passion of it. She'd waited for that passion to become a part of her life, and then eventually given up on the idea of it as her life remained romantically barren. Now, she'd found love, but she was somehow still waiting. After a year of dating, there were no foggy car windows, no sweat dripping from the skin, not even an unruly hand slipped beneath her shirt. She thought about this, and the worry began.

Two days later, they were walking home from the movie theater and Young Woo was testing out the feeling of resting her hand in the crook of Junho's elbow. It felt much better than holding hands. She enjoyed the feeling of his lovely muscular forearms, forearms that had caught her attention even before she had tested her heart rate in his presence and realized that she wanted him. 

Junho seemed to be in high spirits. He had added trips to the movies to their list of dates and he hadn't stopped smiling since he glanced over at her during *Parasite* and saw that she was riveted. She was mid analysis of her favorite scene when a voice cut through the air, causing them both to tense up and turn around in alarm. 

"Junho oppa!" 

Young Woo watched carefully as all of the color drained from her boyfriend's face. 

The woman who had called out, a pretty girl with short hair and a vibrant smile, came up and was reaching for a hug before Junho took a huge step back, shaking his head with an awkward smile.

"Hana," he said. "It's...good to see you. This is my girlfriend, Young Woo."

"Ah," she said. Her smile faltered. "Nice to meet you." She extended a hand but Young Woo didn't take it, choosing instead to bow her head in greeting. 

"It's nice to meet you too," Young Woo said.

Hana smiled. Young Woo could not tell if it was genuine or not. "Ya, don't be awkward," Hana said, turning to Junho. "I didn't expect you to wait for me."

"How was the US?" Junho asked. The initial shock over, his voice regained the light pleasant warmth that it always had, but he kept glancing at Young Woo with furrowed brows.

They chatted for a while. Hana seemed kind, making an effort to include Young Woo in the conversation, but Young Woo found herself distracted, even at the moment that Hana realized that she was autistic. Usually, in those moments Young Woo was hyperaware of every expression, every inflection of a person's demeanor, trying to figure out if they were safe or unsafe, trying and often failing to predict how they would react,  gauging the level of disapproval at her relationship.

Now, though, she could focus only on one thing, a question that began ringing through her mind from the moment she realized that this woman was Junho's ex:
had he slept with her? 

Probably yes. That was what people did, no? From the snippets of their conversation Young Woo pieced together that they had dated in high school and for a few years in college, but she'd broken up with him to live for a while in the US. That was a long time to date, and Junho had given no indication that he was a virgin. 

Despite that, Young Woo and Junho had been dating for a little over a year and he hadn't even broached the topic of sex until a few days prior,  and only because they had run into the couple in the car. 

Junho and Hana wrapped up their conversation. Junho did not take his eyes off of Young Woo as they walked back to the car, explaining the timeframe of his relationship with his ex.  Young Woo had already worked this timeframe out and simply nodded as he spoke, her mind still stuck on the issue of sex. The issue of sex was a pollutant released into the formerly clear blue waters of their relationship. 

"Attorney Woo," Junho sighed, resting his arm on the back of her chair as he pulled the car from it's parking spot. "Can you say something so that I know you're not upset with me?"

"I'm not upset at you," she said, "Just thinking."

"Thinking about what?" 

"I'm wondering if you had sex with her," she said. 

"I-" Junho's hand tightened on the wheel. "Why does that matter?"

"I want to know," she said. 

"I...Yes," he said. "Way back then."

She knew, but the confirmation hurt her anyway.

"Are...are you jealous?" His voice held the question strangely. As if it were precious, an opportunity to discover something delicious.

"Do you want me to be jealous?" she asked. 

"A little bit," he said. He glanced at her, his face as sheepish as a child caught doing something naughty. "You make me jealous all of the time," he added quietly. "It feels good when you're...possessive."

Woo Young Woo considered this. "In that case, could you tell me when you're jealous? I've never noticed when you are, and..."

"You want to know when I'm possessive?" he asked. He laughed lightly, his good humor returning. "Okay," he said. "We'll feel good together."

He turned on the radio at a low volume, chatting happily, seeming not to notice the song that began to fill the car.  

*No sleep tonight, we making love until the sun shines down on us...*

Woo Young Woo noticed the song. 

Chapter Text

The next day at work, Junho seemed distracted as they spoke with a potential new client.

"She's an intimacy coordinator," the client was saying. "These scenes, they have to look to an audience as if something is really happening. The audience has to feel the love and feel as if the couple is really getting vulnerable with each other, but without the actors having to get vulnerable with each other, if you catch what I'm saying-"

It took one glance at Junho for Young Woo to know that he was zoned out entirely, though he was making understanding noises and nodding as the client spoke. She made a mental note to ask him about what was on his mind later.

"So the actors have to trust her. Her actions derailed the entire production, and they cost me money but also the reputation of what goes on on my sets-"

Young Woo cursorily went through her list of prepared questions, but her head was not in it either.

Did Young Woo's relationship feel intimate and vulnerable? Yes, she couldn't deny that it did. Junho was the second person she told about so many things (Geurami could not be dethroned, but for a man she had met so recently to take second place was remarkable). He was the one that knew how to care for her best, even better than her father, who often ran over her sense of agency in his rush to do what he felt was right for her. It was her father's disregard for her right to make her own choices that had caused Young Woo to begin renting her own apartment. A secret part of her had also hoped that a private space would give her more space and time to get closer to Junho, but it had been over a month since she'd moved into the space, and every time things began progressing as if they would lead to more Junho made excuses and left.

As they walked home that day they were both quiet, lost in their own thoughts. When they neared her new apartment he asked her if he could come up to speak to her about something.

When they sat down, however, she looked at him and remembered the way that Hana had called hin Junho oppa.

He'd dated Hana for years. More importantly, they had 'made love'. Most likely, they'd 'made love' many, many times. All of the intimacies and vulnerabilities he avoided sharing with Young Woo, he had shared with Hana. Was it possible that he felt absolutely nothing for her now that she was back? Perhaps that was why he was distracted all day. Perhaps that was what he needed to talk to her about.

Woo Young Woo kissed him, not knowing what else to do with her complicated feelings. Junho groaned, startled, and pulled her closer on the couch. Quickly things grew heated. Before long he pushed her back to lay down on the couch, and he was braced on top of her, and desire shivered through her body like a fever.

Junho exhaled shakily, pulling away, the warmth of his lips and his arms leaving her. His soft dark hair was tousled from their kissing, almost as if he'd just woken up. His eyes shone with what Young Woo recognized as affection, but he was still pulling away instead of pushing forward. Again.

"You're so distracting" he scolded fondly, his voice breathy. 

Not distracting enough. She sat up, taking a deep breath to settle herself as she straightened her clothes.

"Your mother wants to meet me," he said.

She looked up, startled. "What?"

"A message came for me last night," he said. "Tae Sumi invited me to her house. I don't think she intends that we go together, but I wanted to let you know."

"I don't understand."

"She's been trying to be a bigger part of your life since the case with your brother, right?"

"Yes, but why would that mean she would want to talk to you?"

He frowned. "I mean, we've been together for a year, so she recognizes it's serious -"

"We're not serious, though," Woo Young Woo said, confused. "Although, I guess she doesn't know that. She probably thinks we are."

She suspected that was the wrong thing to say when he froze.

"What?" he said, his voice strained, and then raked his hand over his face slowly. "Oh my god. Are you doing this to me again?"

"I mean," she said, and hesitated, flustered. Young Woo had grown complacent, too used to being easily understood by Junho. "I just mean, it's not like what you had with Hana. We've never even had sex."

His eyes sparked with annoyance. "You measure the worth of our relationship by sex? You're not serious about us because of sex?"

It sounded vulgar when he said it that way. It was enough to silence her, but not enough to reassure her. Of course their relationship was more than sex. But he was capable of sexual want, clearly, had wanted other women in his past. The fact was, for some reason, for a reason she suspected she knew but could not bear the pain of accepting, this passion was missing when it came to her. That hurt her. Badly. How could they be 'serious' when he didn't fully want her?

Why didn't he want her?

"It is so easy for you," he continued lowly. He stood up, putting more distance between them. "To treat what we have like it's nothing. Like it's trash."

"That's not what I'm doing," she objected.

"First, you said we weren't even dating. Then you left me. And now our relationship isn't serious? What is it, then? A fling?"

She had been hurt and anxious for days and now Junho was angry at her. She had once again failed, had hurt him without intending to. Overwhelmed beyond her limit, her words abandoned her.

She'd never told Junho about her childhood, about her years of silence. She had always been able to explain things to him, to give insight into her thoughts. Now, she found that she could not.

He waited for her reply, and when it did not come he didn't understand. "I see my entire future with you," he said. "Why did you bother telling me you liked me if you couldn't see it too?"

He left before she could reply, not that she was capable of replying. It was only after the door swung closed that the tears came.

Chapter Text

Ya, what’s that disgusting shit you’re doing with your hands?

Woo Young Woo had forgotten the name of her first bully, but she remembered his voice, his opinions. For a long time, she'd resented the way his words took root in her psyche. She remembered so little from her childhood. Why did she remember, with such clarity, all of his cruelty?

Over time, his voice in her ear became her guardian angel. The older people got, the more they learned to hide their feelings behind tactics and facades. She heard his voice in the man selling sweet potatoes, whose lip curled at the sight of her, in the women who shook their heads in pity for her father's plight, in her schoolmates as they tricked her into making her teacher cry. It was difficult to navigate a world where people were so dishonest, even to themselves. When she glanced at them and heard his voice, she knew that they hated her. 

It’s a shame that the top student died and the autistic brother was the one that lived. Bad luck for society!

Because they could not accept what they did not understand, a crisis began in them, a crisis that could be resolved in only a few ways: they had to explain her away as an object of pity, or explain her away as an object of disgust. If they were emotionally intelligent, confident in themselves, not looking for someone to step on to feel taller, there was a third option, the option to grow to understand her. Very few people took this option. She had hardened herself to the reality of seeing the opinions of her first bully expressed through different people in a variety of ways every single day. 

Poor Gwang-ho-ssi. Imagine leaving law school to raise your daughter, and she turns out like that.

Woo Young Woo forgave them in advance. Their willful ignorance was not her problem. But she cared so deeply about what Junho thought of her. 

A little over an hour after he stormed out, Junho texted her. She saw his name pop up as she was preparing to go shower, hoping that the hot water would soothe the headache she'd gotten from crying too much. She turned her phone off rather than read it, afraid of what he might have to say.

As she washed her face, sensitive and raw from tears, she took a moment to take stock of how she felt. How would she reply to this text? What if it said, 'let's break up'?

Oh. The thought that it might say 'let's break up' made her inhale sharply and she had to blink rapidly to avoid another round of crying. 

Young Woo washed her hair, carefully avoiding thinking about the possibility that she was stuck in love with him and that there might no longer be a relationship to think about.  She redirected her thoughts to the issue at hand.  Let's assume that the text did not read 'let's break up'.  In that case, how did she feel?

Still small. Still unwanted. Still incompetent. Still defective. 

Why? Because Junho was not devoid of sexual desire. He had felt (and perhaps currently felt) sexual desire for other women, but not for her. He wanted to give and receive "intense and overwhelming pleasure", as he had once described it, with them, but not with her.  He wanted to undress them and touch them and be touched by them in ways that he didn't want with her because --- 

She felt herself shying away from completing the thought and then forced herself to continue, to fully face it so that she could see if she was capable of living with it. 

He wanted to undress other women and touch them and be touched by them but he did not want that with Young Woo, because Young Woo was autistic. Something about her turned him off.

Ew, look - that’s so weird! Why does she act like that?

Standing in the shower, Woo Young Woo noticed suddenly the way that her hands were curled in front of her. She felt ashamed of herself in a way that she had not in years, when she was a child being thrown onto the sidewalk and spat on because other children couldn't process the reality of her, because they were disgusted by her differences.

He wasn't spitting on her, she reminded herself. She was not a child on a sidewalk, she was a grown woman, a woman in love with a man that saw his entire future with her.  A man that saw his entire future with her, but was not interested in touching her sexually. Could she accept this as it was?

No. Not if it would always make her feel small, unwanted, incompetent and defective. She could not live feeling like that. She had lived like that before, and she refused to live like that ever again. She would have to bear heartbreak instead. 

Could she bear it? Heartbreak. And then...a lifetime without him? 

The rumors of an illegitimate child are ridiculous. Why would such an honorable woman raise one child well and abandon the other?

She turned on her phone as she got dressed, her heart pounding. The text from Junho read 'Can I call you or come back over? Please'. There were two missed calls, and then another text that said, 'I'm sorry for leaving like that.'

She almost ignored it, caught up in her own hurt. Remembering her commitment to be more considerate, she replied, 'I was in the shower when you called. I'm sorry too.'

His reply came almost instantly. 'Can we talk?'

Woo Young Woo knew from movies that this question preceded break ups. She turned her phone back off. 

She needed Guerami. 
-
“Woo to the Young to the Woo!” Geurami greeted, leaping to her feet at the sight of her friend. Woo Young Woo shook her head. She wasn’t entirely sure she could speak yet; she hadn’t tried since Junho had left earlier that day.

It took you a long time to say your first words. I had almost lost hope.

Geurami’s face dropped. “What’s wrong?”

Minshik leaned over the counter where he was polishing a glass, concerned. “I thought you had no more time left to take off of work!” 

Geurami looked over her shoulder at him, confused. 

“So why did your smile go on vacation?” he finished, and Geurami groaned and slashed her hand across her throat, telling him to cut it out. 

Woo Young Woo found herself giggling. “That’s a good joke,” she said, and Minshik beamed.

“Don’t encourage him,” Geurami complained. “What’s up with you? Why do you look like that? Your eyes are all swollen like this -” Geurami made some gesture around her own eyes, one that Woo Young Woo did not understand. 

Woo Young Woo paused, reanalyzing the situation in her head. “I think Junho and I are about to break up,” she said. 

The glass slipped out of Minshik's hands. He caught it mid-air, fumbled with it for a moment, and then set it down on the counter, staring at her. Geurami made a sharp motion with her head, dismissing him, and he glared at her but slipped into the back to clean, giving them privacy.

“Why?” Geurami asked.

Woo Young Woo sat down heavily. “He doesn’t find me ‘sexy’. Because -” she paused. “Hmm..because…” she couldn’t finish the sentence, but she saw understanding dawn in Geurami’s eyes. 

“I’ll kill him,” Geurami said. “He’s a dead man. Exactly how did he say it?”

“Exactly how did he say it?”

“You know! That!”

"He didn't say it, exactly." At Geurami's urging, Young Woo carefully explained the events of the last two weeks. 

When she was done Geurami closed her eyes and sat with them closed for a long while. Finally, she opened them and exhaled slowly. "Alright," she said. "It’s been a little weird, but this isn't that bad."

"This isn't that bad?"

"Because this could actually be caused by a lot of other things. You should tell him how you feel."

Woo Yong Woo blinked, feeling a heavy sickness low in her stomach.  "Tell him how - no. I can't." 

"Why not? That's what you always do! Even when I tell you not to, you end up blurting it out." 

"If I'm right, I don't want him to say it." Woo Young Woo was aware that this was irrational, and was even more aware of how weak she sounded. Usually, she would always rather know a difficult truth than be ignorant of what was happening. But she couldn't hear something like that from him. His voice could not join the chorus in her head.

“If you don’t talk to him,” Geurami said, her voice serious and quiet, “It will keep poking at you. And then it’ll ruin everything. Wouldn’t you rather just say it than break up?”

“I would rather break up. If I don’t lose him, I’ll keep worrying,” Young Woo found herself saying. “I’ll always worry. I was worried before about making him lonely, and ow I’m worried about this. It’s too hard for people to love me, and - and it’s too hard for me to love them.”

Sometimes, as a father, I felt lonely. It was as if you weren't there at all.

Geurami stared at her. “Listen,” she said finally. “It’s hard either way. It’s hard to love and it’s hard to not love. You can get better at loving him or you can get better at living without him. Nothing’s easy. It’s hard either way, so which one do you pick? Ten years from now, which one? Seventy years from now, which one?” Geurami reached out and pulled Young Woo’s hand away from her arm. It was only then that she realized she had been scratching herself, leaving red irritated marks on her skin. 

“I don’t know if I can get better at this,” Young Woo said, and her words felt like a confession even to herself. As if a part of her that was hiding had introduced itself for the first time. "I don’t know how to be sexually attractive. If I can’t do it now because of how I am, what does getting better at that mean? Becoming a different person?"

" You know what I find sexy? An eyebrow piercing. Did you know that?"

Young Woo shook her head.

"Of course not. And you don't know his opinion either. You say these are his opinions, but they're yours."

Woo Young Woo blinked. “I don’t understand.”

Before my opening statement, I ask for your understanding.

"You don't think you're sexy. That's who's hurting you. Woo Young Woo is hurting Woo Young Woo."

"Woo Young Woo is hurting Woo Young Woo," Young Woo repeated. She frowned. Could this be true? "I don't think that's true. Many people are confused by autism. They see it as pitiful or disgusting. It may be difficult to be sexually attracted to me."

I am...I have autism. So for you, my speech might seem inarticulate and my actions awkward.
 
"There it is!" Geurami asked. "You're excusing everyone for seeing you as pitiful or disgusting in advance! You said if you're right, you don't want him to say it? Let him say it if he'll say it! If he says anything like that, you should slap him!"

I'm not sure if I'm someone who can make you happy. I think I'm just someone you have to take care of.

"Whether you leave Junho or not," Geurami pressed on, getting increasingly riled up, "This is a more serious issue. How can you get Woo Young Woo to stop? How can you get her to be kinder to my friend? Why do people get a free pass to be cruel to her? If I'm not there, how can I get Young Woo to defend Young Woo?" 

Isn't showing the defendant's pitiful situation the key point here?

"So now you're leaving me again?" Junho asked. 

Geurami and Young Woo froze. Young Woo felt the ice physically fill her stomach. She turned to face him and saw that he looked as exhausted as he sounded.

"We need to talk," Junho said. 

I have autism. There isn't anything more "pitiful" than a disability.

Geurami stood, her movements jerky. "Listen," she said, "This wasn't -"

"Attorney Woo and I need to talk," he said again, firmly. The ice expanded to fill every inch of Young Woo's body. "Alone, if that's okay."

Chapter Text

Junho waited for her outside with his hands in his pockets. She said her goodbyes to Geurami, who hissed, just tell him everything, before following him out. 

When she came to stand beside him, he looked at her and then looked away as if he couldn't bear to meet her eyes. 

"Junho-"

"Should we talk at your place, or mine?" 

Young Woo paused. "Let's go to your apartment," she said. He had been asking to talk for hours, offering to come over.  She'd turned off her phone and he'd walked in on her discussing the possibility of breaking up with him. The least she could do, she felt, was meet in a place more convenient for him now that they were finally talking. 

As they walked, the cold dread from the restaurant threatened to consume her. Regret and a sense of inevitability formed an unexpected alliance against her, making her hands shake. She didn't know what to say. 

When they got closer to his apartment, he started walking slower. Finally he stopped in front of the door. She didn't like the feeling of this; there was something resigned about the way he turned to her. 

"Am I fighting for something you don't want?" he asked. "Am I pressuring you to stay with me?"

"No," she said. Her heart hurt for him. She was angry at herself for making him feel that way. "I like you so much. It's like...cetacean stranding. Do you know what that is?"

"No," he said. "Explain it to me." He opened the door and they stepped inside. 

Minwoo was out late with friends, so they had the apartment to themselves. They sat across from each other in the living room, and Woo Young Woo let the words spill out of her without restraint, as if to drown out the silence of the walk.  

"Cetacean stranding is only partially understood," Young Woo said, pulling at her fingers. "Despite the size of the ocean, whales sometimes wash up on the beach. Sometimes it's unclear why, but some reasons are known. If they're hurt, they can become disoriented and lose the ability to swim properly. Sometimes they get confused by changes to their environment. Even though it hurts them to become stranded on land, despite the fact that the ocean is so vast, their decisions leave them stranded on the beach. Once they're there, they can drown or die of dehydration." She nodded, staring at the floor. "There are so many better choices they could make, but because they're hurt or confused they make all of the wrong ones. And then they suffer for it." 

"Okay," he said. He sounded frustrated, still, but pushed on. "Why were you hurt and confused?" 

She hesitated. "It….it feels, to me, like you don't want me sexually. You mentioned serious dating but we keep becoming more involved without addressing it at all. It feels like the blue whale in the corner of the room." 

"Why -" He blinked and looked away, his brows coming together. "Do you know what I mean by serious dating? It means when obstacles come, breaking up doesn't feel like an option. You work through things together. So if you're hurt and confused about something, if you're in a serious relationship, the first person to talk to is me. And leaving is the last thing you think about. But it feels like it's the opposite with us; I'm the last person you talk to and the first person you leave."

"I'm sorry," she said. "You're a new person in my life. I'm not used to going to you first."

"But -" he paused, looking away for another long moment. "I'm taking the risk of getting used to you as a key part of my life, even when - when things like this keep happening.  I know I didn't ask before. I'm asking now.  Can we date seriously? I can't — I can't do this any other way anymore."

"Yes," she said. She realized she wasn't losing him and some of the ice left her blood. Her shoulders slumped in exhaustion and relief. "Yes. I'm sorry." 

"And...is that why you keep talking about sex?"

“It’s been a year,” she said. “You’re uncomfortable when I talk about it. You pull away whenever we kiss for too long. Sexual compatibility is important, and you - you’ve been with other women, but with me it feels like you don’t want to.”

“You’re thinking about Hana,” he said, and she nodded. “Hana and I weren’t sexually compatible at all.”

This she didn’t expect. 

“You’re right when you say that sex is important. It can create distance and walls and resentment.” He looked pained and looked away. His entire face was red. 

She knew then that she had been thinking about things in a self-centered way. She believed the issue had to have been entirely about her, but this was his own struggle. 

“Have you been with anyone but Hana?”

He shook his head. “No, not in that way.”

“Didn’t you enjoy it?”

“Physically, yes, I enjoyed it.” he said, his voice exhausted. “Emotionally…at first, she didn’t like it. She didn't like -" He cut himself off and paused before continuing. "I adjusted to that. And then she was happy and I was fine, but I think she saw me in a different way based on the start. And I felt…” he paused, making a dismissive gesture with his hand. “I don’t know how I felt. I tried not to think about it.”

"Did you have to pretend to be completely different? And it made you ashamed of who you really were?"
  
He looked up in surprise. “Yes. How did you know that?”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to pretend to be a different person to be sexy to you. I don’t know how you felt then, but I know it would make me feel like something is wrong with me. And I’m not even sure I can hide myself properly.”

“I don’t want you to hide yourself at all,” he said. 

“I don’t want you to hide yourself either.”

“That’s different,” he said. “That’s very different. Trust me.”

“Based on the facts, I don’t think it’s different.” 

“Attorney Woo, she thought…she thought that I was vulgar. And a pervert.”

“A pervert?” 

“I don’t think she was wrong.” His face was incredibly red. “I’m a different person when I get passionate. With experience I learned to be reserved and not let myself get way too carried away to make sure I don't say the wrong things. The me that you know is me, but it’s not how I am naturally in bed. And that disturbed her. But I understood. She liked me for the way I am normally, not for how I am then."

"I want to see for myself." 

“No, you don’t. I-”

“You don't know what I like or dislike yet,” she said. “I don't even know myself. If I don't like something, I'll tell you, and we can adjust it a little. The point is intimacy, so there’s no point doing it if you’re pretending the whole time. And there will be things about me you won’t like. If you don't like something, tell me, and I’ll adjust it a little. But I won’t pretend to be an entirely different person, and I don’t want you to do that either.”

“I'm in love with you,” he said. “I don’t want to lose you because of sex.”

“I’m in love with you too,” she said. “And if it really becomes an obstacle…we’ll get through it. Because we’re serious.”

He blinked a few times. “Yes, we are." he said, and smiled. "We are serious.”

"Right. So let's have sex right now," she said decisively. 

"What?" His jaw dropped open for a moment "You startled me. It's 1 am on a Tuesday and we've been arguing all day. We're not having sex right now."

"I don't see the connection between any of those things," she said, but he was shaking his head before she finished her sentence. 

"Let's spend time together on Friday," he said. "There's no work the next day, and I'll have time to prepare some things." 

"I can't think of what exactly you'd have to prepare," she mumbled stubbornly. 

He laughed a little. "Ah, really? I underestimated you," he said, his voice fond and teasing. "So you called MinWoo and told him not to come home all night?" He looked at her for a moment, eyes narrowing and lips twitching up into a smile. "What's this face you're making?"

"Hmmm....Geurami told me about how men sometimes exaggerate their sexual stamina and prowess but I didn't think you'd be the type to do that," she said. "I suspect that thinking we can't have work the next day is an extension of this exaggeration."

"E-exaggerate my stamina?"

"I'm sure that I will enjoy being with you because it will feel intimate, but it's statistically unlikely that I'll even have an orgasm. 75% of women don't orgasm from intercourse, and the number is probably much lower for their first time. I don't see why we can't get our first encounter out of the way quickly before he arrives, rest for a bit, and then go to work tomorrow. We already won't get much sleep tonight." As if to prove her point, she yawned deeply. "But if you want to wait until Friday, I won't object. We'll set the entire night aside and the next morning too." At her last statement, she giggled a little to herself. 

Junho was about to reply when the sound of a key turning came from the direction of the front door. Woo Young Woo rose, leaving Junho sitting open-mouthed on the couch. 

"I'm glad that we made up," she said brightly. "I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Minwoo stepped aside, watching curiously as she slipped out of the door.

Woo Young Woo supposed Minwoo had come home too soon anyway; they would've needed at least another fifteen minutes.

Chapter Text

The next day they had no chance to see each other until lunch. 

Junho waited in a crowded elevator, poking his head out for her. Seeing her headed to her office to grab her packed lunch once again, he stepped out of the elevator and waited patiently by her door. She chatted happily about the resolution of her last case as she collected her gimbap from her desk. 

"The trial ended so quickly this morning," she said. "I got the cameraman to testify about how the actor told the intimacy coordinator and director he didn't want to kiss with tongue during scenes, but he initiated kissing with tongue during the first ten takes that day."

"Why was the eleventh such a problem, then?" he asked.

"He was dating his coworker, and she broke up him in the break between the tenth and eleventh take. The idea that the director should have intervened to stop her from using tongue with no way of knowing anything changed was unreasonable," Young Woo said triumphantly, and then shook her head. "A distinction between professional and romantic is critical in these situations," she concluded, stepping into the new empty elevator and coming to stand happily beside Junho.

"A distinction between professional and romantic?" Junho nodded. "So I definitely shouldn't mention anything about last night now that we're at work."

The elevator doors slid closed. They were alone, going down what seemed like a million floors.

Young Woo paused, blinking. "Mention anything - like what?" At his playful hesitance, she pushed on. "Like what?" she insisted.

"Like when you said you loved me," he said. 

Her face turned hot with such immediacy it was as if fire lay under the surface of her skin, waiting for his signal. "You said it too."

"I meant it," he said. Despite Junho's soft smile his brows were furrowed, serious. His pupils were huge, brown eyes somehow darker than usual. 

The sight sent sparks up her spine; she shivered, every nerve on her body somehow more alive that usual. 

He extended his hands slowly, giving her time to pull back. When she didn't, Junho unbuttoned her blazer, and she wondered why until she felt the warmth of his hand as it cupped her neck.  His other hand rested on the small of her back and she rocked on her heels, swaying closer. When his head lowered, her eyes fluttered close and she relaxed her mouth the way he'd taught her to, expecting a kiss. 

A moment later she shivered again, her hands raising instinctively to ground themselves on his shoulder as she felt Junho's breath on the sensitive skin between her neck and her collarbone. 

"Jagiya," he breathed, his voice raspy even in his whisper. Her eyes still closed, she felt the softness of his lips against her neck, a hot swipe of tongue, and then gasped at the sharpness of his teeth as it sunk into her flesh. 

And then he was pulling back and she was too flustered to understand why until the elevator doors opened and a cheerful, balding man stepped in. 

"Junho! Good to see you! How are you?"

Junho smiled brightly. "Just looking forward to Friday. You?" 

She inhaled a little at the mention of Friday and saw Junho glance at her from the corner of his eye. 

"Oh, same," the man said. "Sometimes I feel like I live for Fridays. Not that I don't like it here, mind you."

"A good Friday leads to a productive Monday," Junho agreed sagely. "Nobody can doubt how hard you work."

Young Woo could still feel his teeth on her neck. 

When they sat down to eat, the serious look had not returned to Junho's face and he smiled cheerfully at her across his lunch. How had he switched moods so quickly? Her heart was pounding. She raised her gaze and noticed that above his smile his eyes were still black, black, black. 

Did he still feel something? She did. She wanted to strip her blazer off completely, too warm under her clothes. 

"You're so silent that I haven't learned a single fact about whales today," Junho said. 

She shifted her attention from his face and her eyes got caught on his forearm,  cool veins under his smooth skin like a faint tattoo. 

"Hmm..." she shook her head as if to clear it. "Did you know, despite the often frigid temperature of their environment, whales need to maintain a stable internal body temperature. When they get too hot or cold, they use their blood flow to regulate their body temperature. Their veins..." 

Slowly, she reached across to trace a vein in his forearm with the tip of one finger. In half a breath she'd trailed her finger down to his wrist, the fast thump of his pulse making her own breath quicken. She pressed down just slightly, expecting nothing, surprised to feel him shiver. 

"I thought I was the one sensitive to touch," she joked, pulling her hand back, glancing around to make sure no one had noticed. 

"Just wait," he said. He laughed, a flash of sharp white teeth.

Young Woo cleared her throat. Her perception was skewed. His teeth were as they had always been; they seemed different now only because she had just felt them sinking into her. 

She took a moment to recall her initial point and continued on with her talk about whale thermodynamics, distracted by his gaze as he listened with what seemed like innocent curiosity, trying to ignore the way he ran his fingers down his own forearm, tracing the path she had left behind. 

She was still too warm as they stepped into the elevator up. It filled in quickly behind them, until she had to step back and felt she could feel the heat of his body on her back. 

Everyone was facing forward, she realized. He could touch her and nobody would know. He would be too respectful to do something so risky with others around, in a space so small and open that a glance down would reveal all. A part of her wanted him to risk it.

She looked up at him and blushed when he raised his eyebrows as if sensing her thoughts. 

They had a meeting with Myungseok directly after lunch. As they sat next to each other at the table in front of their bosses' desk, she took off her blazer and hung it carefully on the back of her chair. 

Suyeon shot her a curious look. "I was wondering when you would relax about wearing that," she said. "It's so hot out!"

Young Woo felt exposed in her crisp button-up as she settled into her chair. It was a relief, however, compared to how stuffy and hot she'd felt moments before. She leaned over the documents of the case, organizing them in two precisely straight piles, trying to ignore the way her skin seemed to sense the blood moving through Junho's body next to her. 

She nearly leapt into the air when she felt his hand on her knee. It took all of her will to hold her shock in; she looked away from everyone, staring down at the documents as she willed her heart to settle. Luckily, this behavior was nothing unusual for her and nobody noticed. She forced herself to focus on Myunseok's briefing as Junho's hand slid higher, feeling the heat of his hand through her skirt as it slid to cup her upper thigh. Junho squeezed gently. He released the pressure and she thought that would be it, his hand resting gently on her thigh in a loose grip. Then he squeezed again, released the pressure slowly, squeezed again. 

She looked at him quickly and saw that he was taking notes, his face carefully blank.

Young Woo wished that she had kept her blazer on; she felt acutely aware of her own chest, sensitive. Ridiculously, because she was aware of it, she felt like covering herself as if everyone could see through her shirt. 

"Article 24 states that educational use of a work can't result in profit," she said, struggling to keep her voice steady, "but a complication in this case is that only a small portion of the work was actually used in the product they sold. Was it enough for the copyright to still apply? We could argue that it wasn't."

"That's a good angle to take," Myunseok said, "In this case, a judge trial would be most beneficial. Juries are bad at considering nuance in copyright cases."

She wanted Junho as flustered as she was. She reached down into his lap, intent on the muscle of his thigh, and then froze when her hand encountered something else entirely. He exhaled slightly in shock, red creeping up his neck above his shirt. She was struck by the urge to taste the salt of his skin there and wondered if this urge was why he'd bitten her in the elevator. 

Her curiosity overtaking her hesitancy, she gave her hand free reign to explore, running it up and down his length slowly. Her first impression was that it seemed both hotter and thicker than she expected. Marveling at the insistent way his hardness strained against his pants, she realized how indiscrete it was; there was no way he could stand with his length creating such a prominent tent in his lap.

The thought made her dazed, panties uncomfortably damp. She squeezed her thighs together instinctively, proud of her own silence though her mouth fell open just slightly. His hand stiffened on her thigh. A moment later he released her and moved his hand to rest lightly on top of her own hand on his lap. 

Her eyes widened in shock, he was adjusting himself, shifting the position of his length, but he was guiding her hand to do it. Sparks were running up and down the skin on her palm; her hands felt as sensitive as they always did, but now it felt unbearably good. 

"It might be worthwhile to present examples of similar works that aren't derived from the copyrighted material to show that the reproduced parts aren't protected," Young Woo said. 

Minwoo flipped through the documents. "There was a sample somewhere here that the client provided of something similar *they* created years prior."

Suyeon shook her head "They didn't have a sample," she said. "They lost their records of that product; they only remember creating it."

Junho had successfully tucked his length under the waistband of his pants, a far more discrete position. Young Woo glanced down at his lap and could've sworn she saw a flash of skin before he pulled his shirt out of his pants, covering everything. This done, he gently pushed her hand away, inhaling slowly. 

"If possible, we should track down a copy," Myunseok said. "Is everyone clear on what they should focus on?"

They all assured him they were clear on next steps. Junho gathered his things and was out of the door before everyone else, calling back a friendly goodbye to avoid suspicions. Smart, she thought. She couldn't imagine what would happen if they saw - if they saw what she had felt. 

"Are you okay?" Suyeon asked. "You seem flushed."

"I think...I think I might have fever," Young Woo said quickly. It was the closest thing to the truth she could say.

Minwoo glared at her. "You used all your days off. Remember?"

"Hmm," she said, making her way to the door. "I remember."

"Can you make it until Friday?" Suyeon asked. 

Young Woo wondered if she would ever hear the word 'Friday' normally again. 
"I don't know," she said. "I don't - I don't think so."