Chapter Text
Alternate title for this chapter is: “Qimir Accidentally Did No Nut November. Oops!"
“See you tomorrow?”
She asked the question in that same nervous way she did every night he walked her home. She was fussing with the tie of her headwrap, a deep shade of purple silk that perfectly complemented her warm tawny skin.
“Tomorrow’s Saturday. Your day off from me.”
“Don’t say it like that,” Osha chided, her voice firmer now.
In the month since they’d decided to just be friends, he had tried his best not to cross that line between friendship and flirting, but it slipped out once in a while. Mostly, it was him losing all control of his mouth and telling her things friends shouldn’t say to one another, and to her credit, she’d always sweetly thanked him for whatever compliment got away from him. She’d even paid him a few of her own, and to say that he cherished them felt like such an understatement. It was an uneasy truce, and one they were still learning to navigate. But he’d apparently made a misstep she wasn’t willing to brush off.
“I’m just playing,” he tried to reassure her. “I’m not trying to guilt you –,”
“I know,” she said quickly, interrupting him. “I meant don’t say it like you’re some burden on me. You’re not.”
A moment of tense silence passed between them then. She was clearly waiting for him to say something, and he was doing everything in his power not to kiss her.
“You know where I’ll be on Sunday,” was all he could manage, and she looked surprised at his sudden change of subject. “Hope I see you there.”
Qimir turned and took carefully measured steps back the way they’d come, not daring to turn around, yet still hoping she was watching him leave.
Being friends with the girl you were crazy for was hard.
It was cold out, nearing mid-December. Soon, winter break would start, and he’d be alone again while everyone he knew went home for the holidays. He wasn’t sure yet what he was going to do with himself; Yord had already invited him to visit at his family’s home about an hour away, so he did have that on the backburner at least. Of course, he’d been invited the past two years and had never worked up the nerve to actually go, and he was almost certain it wasn’t going to happen that year either. Still, it was nice to be invited.
As always, it was jarringly quiet in the apartment when he stepped inside, and a familiar pang echoed inside of him. When Lola had still been alive, coming home had been a much warmer, happier occasion. She would greet him at the door every day and fuss over him, either that he’d been gone for so long, or for his shoes still being on even when he’d barely stepped inside, or insistence that he eat something regardless of how much he protested. It had been annoying in a way he secretly loved, knowing she only acted the way she did because she cared so much about him.
And then one day, she hadn’t been at the door, and that had been the end of all the good things in his life.
He’d always prided himself on being a survivor, though, and in time, he’d moved forward, if not completely on. But as she’d always told him bad times were temporary, and he just had to hang on through them until everything balanced out again. Qimir did not doubt her wisdom, but he just wished he knew how much longer he was going to have to wait for the one good thing he really wanted to finally happen.
It was selfish, of course. Osha had been honest from the start about what she was struggling with, and over the last month, she’d opened up some more about it. He’d been grateful for the context, and had a better appreciation for why she needed time. Though he did hold a secret grudge to the professor she still seemed to have a soft spot for, no matter how badly he’d derailed her life, he was also happy that she wasn’t alone anymore, not like she’d been at Coruscant U. She’d made her own friends, some mutual with her sister, some all on her own – how could he not be proud of how she was progressing?
And when it came to the two of them? Well, he hated to admit, it was actually pretty great being her friend.
They’d found days where the scant free time in their schedules lined up, and they met for coffee two mornings a week, and for lunch on Fridays. Now, whenever they passed, she looked for him in the crowd and smiled when they locked eyes. And since she’d also decided to take a break from tutoring the rest of the school year, nearly every night, he would meet her at the central library to quietly study together, and he’d walk her back to her dorm afterwards. It was a good routine, and they’d finally had time to learn a few things about one another.
Of course, it didn’t help that the more he learned about Osha, the more he adored her.
She was kind, and funny, and so full of life whenever she got going on a subject. He genuinely loved just watching her go on about whatever she was passionate about, oblivious to how she was bewitching him. She’d catch herself dominating the conversation time and again, but he’d sworn up and down that he really did just enjoy listening. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either – because the more Osha spoke, the less he had to share about himself.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want her to know him. If anything, he carried all of his secrets behind his teeth these days, and every time he saw her, he had to fight not to let them escape in a frenzied confession. Sweet, wonderful Osha would be shocked, of course – but she would be understanding, and she would comfort him without hesitation. Qimir knew without a doubt that she would be a good influence on him, and in time, might even start to fill that empty place in his heart that Lola had left behind.
But once she did know him so completely, how would he ever be able to let her go?
He couldn’t lose someone of that magnitude again. It would ruin him; it would destroy the life he’d built since he’d found himself hurt and alone in the world at seventeen. He was could still hardly believe what he’d been through, what he’d had to fight against, and how he’d barely made it out in one piece. Life had been about pure survival back then, and he just couldn’t…he couldn’t go through that again.
He was so close to his goals, and he was already making connections and building up credibility with his professors. Next semester, he’d start his first TA position, and things could only go up from there if he didn’t falter. Sure, he still had grad school to dread not too long after graduation, but having a Master’s degree would only make starting his career easier. And grudgingly, he did have to admit not being in a relationship –as he’d originally planned – was helpful in keeping him far ahead of the syllabus.
If only the whole thing wasn’t so damned lonely.
That night, he wondered if Osha would show up at the courts like she had last weekend. With finals just around the corner, no one had time to meet except on Sunday evenings, but he had ended up just sitting on the bench with her and talking the whole time. No one had pressured him to play, and it hadn’t been until the people around them started packing up that he realized how the night had slipped away. Osha had a way of occupying his entire world when she was around, and he was dearly hoping it would happen again.
****
“Just cut it all off,” Mae said for the hundredth time as she sulkily pulled a comb through a loc.
Osha winced, and as she had for the past month, wondered if maybe her sister was right. Mae had buzzed off all of her hair months ago, and though the locs had been easy to care for, there’d been some pretty hot days she’d envied her nearly bare scalp. But their hair grew so slowly, and now that it was cold out, she couldn’t didn’t even have enough length for extensions. Of course, Mae had always been a wig lover, and she switched them up every few days, but that was her style, not Osha’s. She’d been wanting to go for bigger, softer twists for a while now, and in her natural color – which meant just about every night, she sat on a chair in the middle of their dorm and combed out the locs one by one. Without fail, Mae would complain and drag her feet, but she’d never actually refused to help.
If there was one thing a sister was for, it was for hair care.
“No thank you, I’d like to keep what I still have now,” she finally replied, groaning as she ended up with yet another huge knot of dead strands. “You can study if you don’t have time.”
“I have time. I just hate how long this takes. You should just wait for winter break. There’ll be like ten more sets of hands to get this done in a few hours, tops.”
That thought had crossed her mind. While they weren’t at all Christian, her mothers did love the spectacle of Christmas, and every holiday had brought a stampede of their coven members. The last she’d heard, there would be over a dozen of their honorary aunties staying either at the house or in nearby hotels. And it wasn’t like they were strangers to doing their hair either, regardless what race they were. The women had been like family since before she could remember, helping to raise her and Mae alongside their real mothers.
But she couldn’t let it happen, no matter how nice it sounded. It would just end up being a trap in the end, and she could not survive being literally trapped by protective mama bears interrogating her about her ‘boyfriend’ once Mae slipped up and mentioned Qimir. And by slipped up, she meant tell them on purpose.
“I’d gladly do that if you’d promise to keep your mouth shut.”
“Not this again,” Mae huffed, meeting her eyes in the vanity mirror in front of them. “They deserve to know what’s going on with us. We’re like their kids, too! I’m not going to keep anything from them about me, so why would I lie for you?”
“It’s not lying if you just don’t mention it at all!”
“It is if you do it intentionally, and you know that. What’s there to hide anyway? You like him, he’s a good guy, but you’re taking things slow – that’s it!”
“You really think that’s all they want to know? Come on, Mae, you know they’re going to go into a damn feeding frenzy for information if they find out about him. Sera will probably do a background check – no, don’t give me that look, you know she would!”
Mae pursed her lips and refused to look at her, definitely because she knew she was right. After all, her sister’s first boyfriend had been all but dissected during their first winter break from college.
“And frankly, I don’t even know enough about him yet to even tell them anything. It’s only been a month. And he doesn’t like talking about himself.”
“He never did,” Mae finally conceded. “I didn’t know he didn’t have any family. I just assumed, you know?”
They were quiet for a moment, no sound in the room but a muddled bass beat from the room next door and the sound of the combs dragging through her hair.
“What do you think he does for the holidays?”
Osha paused, caught off guard by the question.
“He doesn’t have anybody to go home to. So does he…stay around here by himself?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted, and felt a prick of tears at the corners of her eyes. “I really hadn’t thought about it before.”
“Well, should we invite him to –,”
“No!”
Mae’s eyes shot to hers at the sudden shout, and even the music next door paused for a moment. She’d been much louder than she’d intended.
“Sorry, just…no. Think about it. They’ll tear him apart!”
“Better a house full of women interrogating him than sitting alone for two weeks. When’s the last time you think he even got a Christmas present?”
“Mae, stop,” Osha begged, though she was devasted at those words. “It’s too soon. I don’t like thinking about him alone either, but we can’t just bring him home with us like he’s the class pet, ok? We’re not even actually dating!”
“None of my friends walk me home every night, so…,”
“It’s not every night! We’re just friends right now, and that’s all I can handle, and he understands that. It’s his choice, too.”
She heard her sister inhale deeply behind her, and a peek in the mirror showed she had closed her eyes and bit her lips in order to keep quiet. It was startling to see Mae actually trying to temper herself instead of blurting out the first thing in her head, or to keep the argument going.
Maybe Osha wasn’t the only one trying to grow up.
“You remember that hamster?” Mae finally said as she exhaled and began combing again. “In fifth grade?”
“Maxwell.”
“Mighty Maxwell,” she corrected. “I can’t believe he jumped out the car window on the way home. Like, why would he even do that?”
Osha shook her head grimly.
“That thing was suicidal, and you will never convince me otherwise.”
“I can’t believe no one noticed we replaced him. Not even the teacher.”
“She absolutely did I always thought she looked at us weird afterwards. Like we did it on purpose.”
“Or maybe you just felt guilty?”
“If anyone should feel guilty, it’s you. You’re the one who opened the cage – ow!”
Osha shot a glare at her in the mirror, but Mae just continued combing out the loc, pretending she hadn’t just yanked the piece nearly out of her head. Maybe it was best to stop talking about Mighty Maxwell or else she might just end up bald anyway.
****
“Then you just solve for a divided by b, which is?”
“Three,” Jecki said, and a smile spread over her pale face. “You’re really good at this.”
“I know,” he grinned, then retook his seat next to Osha on the bench. “Sorry, I promised I’d help her when we got here.”
She just smiled at him, continuing to mess with the uneven headscarf she was still trying to adjust.
“No need. Glad you could help her.”
“Speaking of,” he said with a bit of question as she fumbled with tying a knot. “You alright there?”
“Yeah, just -this is a lot thicker than I’m used to.”
He wasn’t sure if she meant the sudden increase of mass to her hair under the scarf, or the fabric itself, which seemed more sturdier than the last one she’d been wearing.
“Um, actually…,” Osha began, and he brought his eyes back to hers, looking flustered. “Could you?”
“Yeah, what do you need?”
“Just a finger – press right there,” she said as she pointed out a spot. “Just hold it so I can tie it?”
“Sure,” he said, though he was suddenly very nervous for no reason. “Here?”
“Perfect.”
He did his best to ignore the feel of her hair under the edge of the scarf. When she pulled back part of the fabric, he saw that most of her reddish locs were gone now, replaced by loose, tiny curls – her natural hair. Qimir’s heart began to race at that little glimpse, worried he was seeing something he wasn’t supposed to. But she was the one who revealed it, which meant she didn’t mind; he was definitely overthinking it.
He really was down bad for this girl if just a peek of her natural hair felt like it meant more than it probably did.
A thick knot came down atop his finger, and he pulled it away to let her yank it tight, his hand still outstretched as she brought her face back up to his. His fingertips almost grazed her cheek, and for a moment, they both stared at each other.
“I’m…changing my hair,” she finally said, breaking the tension. Qimir dropped his hand and managed to nod. “Takes a while to get these locs all out first.”
“How long?”
“It’s been a month, and we’re only halfway done,” she sighed, and patted the side of her head. “I’m tempted every day to just cut it off.”
While he knew he had no say in what she did with her hair, he didn’t manage to stop himself from frowning at those words. It felt like now that he’d seen and touched her curls, he hated the thought of losing them.
“I’m not,” she said quickly, as if to reassure him.
“You can if you want,” he said with just as much urgency, hoping he hadn’t made her think she would look bad if she did. “I can’t wait to see what you do with it.”
“You’ll have to, because you won’t see it until I get back.”
Before he could figure out how to mention that he’d been hoping to get at least a photo while she was gone, Osha chuckled to herself and nodded out towards the court where Yord was taking out his finals-fueled aggression on some new players. His frustration made him sloppy, and he lost control of the ball twice while they watched.
“What do you usually do for the holidays?”
A knot of dread formed in the pit of his stomach. He supposed it was only fair he was honest with her after she’d been so forthcoming with him.
“Nothing. I just try to keep busy, work out. Or clean. I don’t like being still.”
“So when you said it’s just you…,” she trailed off.
“It’s literally just me.”
He didn’t look at her, already knowing what he’d find. It wasn’t that he hated anyone feeling sorry for him, but more that he didn’t know how to handle that situation. What could he say? Thank her for pitying him? Reassure her that he was ok with it when he wasn’t? There was nothing she could do to change the reality, and he knew how she hated to feel helpless – they’d talked about it specifically from her time at Coruscant U.
“Yord invited me to visit,” he finally said, hoping that it would help. “I’m thinking about it.”
“I think you should. It’d be good to actually leave the city for vacation, wouldn’t it?”
“Maybe,” he demurred, not ready to tell her he’d already decided against it.
“Or if…if you wanted….”
The breathy sound of her voice was what drew his gaze back to her, and he could see Osha’s eyes wide and terrified, her mouth working without any words coming out. He frowned at the sight of it, wondering what had scared her so much all of a sudden.
“Y-you’re welcome at, um, at ours.”
Now that was unexpected.
Still, he knew she was just doing it out of pity, out of guilt knowing he’d be alone otherwise. And while it was a sweet gesture, it wasn’t the way he wanted it to happen.
He wanted Osha to want him there, not to feel obligated.
“You want to introduce me to the folks, Osha? Think they’ll approve of me?”
The tease he’d managed to put into his tone worked to break her out of her nervous state, and she finally smiled.
“Stop it,” she murmured, nudging his arm. “I just want you to know you have somewhere to go.”
“It was nice of you. But maybe not just yet.”
Another comfortable silence fell over them, and he felt his thoughts drift.
While he’d adjusted to mostly living his life on his own, having someone care about him the way Osha did was making the lonely times a lot worse than he’d anticipated. Of course he knew she wasn’t the only one; he’d never doubted he was important to his friends, but he did sometimes feel a bit like he was wearing a mask around them. The only time he was truly himself was when the girl next to him made him forget to put it on in the first place. This Christmas was going to be the worst one since Lola had passed, he could already tell.
“I need your help out there bro, I’m dying,” Yord suddenly said, breaking through his thoughts. “Last game of the night – you up for it?”
He hated to leave Osha alone on the bench, but she just beamed that lovely smile at him when he glanced at her.
“Go on, that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”
It was not, and she verry obviously knew that, but she just looked even more smug at his side eyed look.
He pulled off his sweatshirt and folded it, placing it on the bench beside her. After a quick jog around the court and a few free throws to warm up, he was ready to play, and did his best to ignore the fact that she was watching. For a while, he was fine; he played well, scored a few good shots, and more importantly, started to feel the frustrated tension flooding from his body. He’d been too busy studying to work out consistently, and with his self-imposed moratorium against taking care of his stress in other ways, he couldn’t deny he’d been way more on edge lately. It felt good to sweat it out, and Yord was looking elated at how close they were to winning.
He was guarding the best shooter on the other team when his gaze darted to Osha. He’d only dared to look her way twice during the game, but what he saw this time was enough to make him completely forget where he was and what he was meant to be doing. Qimir didn’t even notice when the other player completely stepped around him and sank the shot because he was too busy trying to wrap his brain around the girl wearing his sweatshirt.
But the cheers of the other team snapped him back to reality, and he shot an apologetic look to Yord, who just rolled his eyes and said nothing. Somehow, he managed to stay focused enough to help pull off a narrow win, but he took his time before turning again to the bench, only to find Osha clapping excitedly for him, smiling wide and proud.
She had to be wearing it to taunt him.
“You’re really good,” she said when he had no choice but to approach, needing a towel from his bag. “I don’t think I realized it before, but wow.”
“Thanks,” he gritted out, hoping it didn’t sound harsh. “Cold?”
“Not anymore,” she said smugly, and this time he couldn’t help but freeze and stare as a dark flush spread across her cheeks.
The collar of the black sweater was much too big on her given that he usually bought them a size up anyway. It slightly fell over her shoulder, and her hands were all but lost in the sleeves. The hem would probably come down to her thighs if she stood, but for now, it just bunched up around her hips, making her look so small and delicate, which were not words he’d ever think he’d use for her. Every time he thought he couldn’t possibly be more into her, he was proven wrong.
“You can have it back now,” she said as she crossed her arms and reached for the hem.
Qimir reached out and pressed his hand on one, stopping her.
“It’s fine. Keep it for now.”
“Ok,” she said, though it was more of a squeak.
Maybe she was better at hiding it than he was, but there were times when she was just as obvious about her feelings for him. It was these moments that kept him hopeful, kept him patient.
“Ready?” he asked as he hoisted his bag to his shoulder. “I’ll walk you back.”
They didn’t have a routine for Sunday nights, and wouldn’t be making one given that finals week would start in the morning and winter break right afterwards. But he was already decided on walking her to her dorm, and to his delight, Osha did not question him. She followed him as they filed out of the court, saying goodbyes to everyone, leaving them mostly alone as they started in the direction of the exit.
From the corner of his eye, he could see he was right about the length. She was practically drowning in the thing, and it was adorable. He wanted to tell her that, but wasn’t sure if it would read as a compliment, of if she’d think he was making fun of her, so he stayed quiet.
“Will I see you tomorrow?”
He wasn’t sure if he was more surprised by her question, or by the hopeful tone she’d asked it in.
“I…I don’t think I can,” he said after a moment of agonizing internal debate. They usually had coffee on Monday mornings, but his first round of finals was right afterwards, and he was worried about being distracted.
“It’s ok. I’m going to be studying every free moment, too.”
They reached the main walkway, which gave them only a few minutes before they got to her dorm. It hadn’t really occurred to him how busy they both would be the entire week, and she was probably heading home soon after her last class.
“When do you leave?”
“Next Sunday. Morning flight, it’s gonna be hell.”
“Are you free on Saturday?”
By the way she slowed her steps, he knew he’d surprised her by asking, but what else could she expect? Now she knew he was going to be alone for the break, and they’d likely be too busy to see one another the whole coming week. Why wouldn’t he ask if he could spend at least some time with her before she left?
“Sort of,” she hemmed. “I have some packing to do, but laundry first. I can see you afterwards if you want to meet up? Afternoon coffee?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect. Just text me when you’re done.”
She met his eyes with a smile, and he felt himself melting inside. Osha did want to see him before she took off for the break – she wasn’t just offering to see him out of pity. He could see it on her face that she was happy they’d made plans, and he was happy that for once, his outburst had actually proven useful.
“Well…here’s me.”
Qimir stopped short when he realized they’d come the front stoop of her dorm building, and he felt his heart sink. Their night was over.
“I’ll give this back to you now, too,” she said, and leaned forward to set down her bag, but he stopped her again.
“You should keep it on.”
Her gaze was shrewd, and he made no move to hide his obvious appreciation as he looked her over. He’d never had a girl wear his clothes before, and while he was enjoying himself in the moment, he knew it was going to torment his dreams in the future.
“Why?”
His eyes went back up to hers, finding her expectant, a delicate brow raised in question.
“Because you might get cold.”
“Going up five steps? I think I’ll be fine.”
“You could get cold during the week.”
“I have my own sweater, you know.”
“I do know.”
Osha cracked; a grin spread across her lips even as she tried to bite it back. She shouldered her bag again, and he felt his heart speed up as he realized she was going to keep it on.
She could keep it forever if she wanted.
“Goodnight, Qimir.”
“Goodnight, Osha. Stay warm.”
She laughed softly as she turned away from him, then climbed those said five steps and scanned her key fob at the door. When she was safely in the building, she gave him one last look over her shoulder, waving. He waved back and when she was no longer visible, he let out a long, ragged exhale.
He jogged all the back home, hoping he’d burn off that energy he’d built up during their exchange, but it did nothing for him. Heading straight for the shower, he turned the water as cold as he could stand it, then forced himself under the spray. And still, nothing was dousing the flames Osha had set deep in his gut, making him painfully hard. Maybe if he just thought about something else while he did it? Someone else even?
The thought disgusted him even as it crossed his mind, although it didn’t change anything about the state of him below. Regardless of his intentions for Osha’s sake, he really needed to find some kind of release after months of torturous abstinence. He had finals all week, and he needed to be relaxed; he could give in just this once.
It almost hurt when he slid his closed fist over his cock, his hand warm in the stinging cold of the shower, and Qimir wasted no time with trying to savor the feeling, pumping hard and fast. Water wasn’t the best lubrication, but he wasn’t about to make a production of it – he just needed to get that tension out of him so he could function. He did try to keep his mind clear, focusing only on the end result, but he couldn’t keep his mind from flashing with images against his will. He would see her smile, the way her hips moved when she walked, and most recently, the way she’d looked wearing his –
“F- fuck,” he gasped as he came, his free hand sliding down the slick tile as his knees almost gave out.
He caught himself halfway bent over, body singing with relief as he fought to catch his breath, sputtering out the water that trickled into his mouth. It felt like jolts of electricity were still zipping through every inch of his body even as he struggled to clean up and dry off. With just the last bit of his energy, he double checked his alarm for the morning, then passed out completely.