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What did it mean to want?
Mafuyu was always hearing what everyone around her wanted.
One classmate wanted to improve their grade, so they asked for her help studying.
Another wanted to stay dry on their walk home, so Mafuyu lent them her umbrella.
Mizuki wanted cute clothes.
Ena wanted praise as an artist.
Mother wanted her to have a successful future.
Kanade wanted to save her.
Want came easily to everyone but her. Everyone else got hungry and wanted food, got cold and wanted warmth, like it happened naturally.
…It was probably supposed to happen naturally, wasn’t it? Mizuki and Ena seemed so surprised when she always answered ‘I don’t know’ to the question of ‘what do you want to eat’ at their visits to the diner, and just copying Kanade’s order didn’t satisfy them either.
“You have to make choices for yourself too, you know,” Ena had said once, looking disproportionately annoyed at Mafuyu having a bowl of ramen placed in front of her that she couldn’t even taste.
Mafuyu hadn’t understood it then; what it meant to want something. To look at a menu and pick something that looked good, instead of just at random.
Slowly, it started to come into place.
She still couldn’t taste anything and the food all looked the same, but as Niigo celebrated the release of their latest song, and the looming thought of how late she could stay out with them before her mother questioned her whereabouts ate away at the back of her mind, Mafuyu found that she wanted.
She wanted more of this.
She wanted to keep making music.
She wanted to be by the side of people who were hurting.
She wanted to run when the walls started closing in, run to the only place that felt safe.
She wanted Kanade.
Those thin arms around her, warm against the freezing rain, trembling like a leaf in the wind but still standing strong; a rock for Mafuyu’s ruined ship to dash itself upon.
She wanted the softness of Kanade’s hands helping her out of her soaked clothing, she wanted the feeling of a borrowed shirt too small, she wanted Kanade to stay with her that night, stay like she did before, stay until she felt okay again.
What Mafuyu wanted, Kanade provided. Kanade met each request with an expression so hopeful, blue eyes shining with eagerness, like the very thought that Mafuyu could desire something brought her joy.
Want was no longer a stranger in Mafuyu’s thoughts, but it was far from a close friend. Any hopes that this episode of desire had resulted in the breaking of the invisible dam inside of her were dashed when the familiar ‘I don’t know’ kept leaving her lips, even after moving in with Kanade. She didn’t know if original flavor ramen sounded better than seafood for dinner, it didn’t matter to her either way.
But when Kanade asked if she would like to sit with her and eat dinner together anyway, ‘yes’ left her lips before anything else. She wanted that much, at least.
So it went, for days, weeks, then months. Her birthday came and went, her juniors gushed about how she was an adult now, she could do whatever she wanted. She smiled that old, practiced mask, and thanked them for the well wishes.
Her father brought her a gift when he came for his weekly visit. His name wasn’t the only one written across the top. He asked if she wanted to see her mother.
Mafuyu shook her head, and Kanade took her hand under the table. He didn’t ask again.
---
Mafuyu wanted more.
It made her selfish, she knew it, she was turning into one of those bad girls that mother had frightened her with the idea of one day becoming. The kind of girl who kept thinking about the glimpse she accidentally got of Kanade changing when she had walked into the composer’s room unannounced—so used to Kanade being glued to her computer that the idea that she might be doing anything else hadn’t even crossed her mind. The kind of girl who wanted Kanade to look at her again, in the same way she had when she had done the same thing to Mafuyu; standing in the doorway of the bathroom looking at Mafuyu in the bath, her pale cheeks going as pink as Luka’s hair.
It was probably normal to have little moments like that when sharing a house with someone, Mafuyu concluded, picking the moments apart in her mind like a scavenger going at a corpse. Dwelling on them like this, though? Wanting more? That probably wasn’t right.
Just like it probably wasn’t right to intentionally walk into Kanade’s room in only her bra and pants, feigning the barest amount of interest in finding a ‘missing’ shirt that most definitely wasn’t anywhere amongst Kanade’s haphazard stacks of compositions and boxes of cup noodles.
Kanade’s gaze on her felt right, though.
Her eyes went wide, flitting up and down the expanse of exposed porcelain skin, lingering on the black fabric cupping her chest. The ever-polite redirection of her gaze by jerking her head back towards her monitor so quickly Mafuyu could’ve sworn she heard something crack. The way she seemed to sweat as she sat there, as if fighting the urge to steal another glance out of the corner of her eye as Mafuyu came closer, ‘looking’ in a few more places.
What a silly exercise this all was. Why did she do it?
It felt… good, and it wasn’t enough.
---
She sat in Kanade’s chair when the composer got up for one of her rare breaks just before 25:00. Kanade had previously purchased her an identical chair that was sitting barely a foot away, which made her decision to switch all the more confusing to Kanade upon her return.
Kanade wasn’t upset, Mafuyu had never seen Kanade truly upset with her— scared, desperate, and determined, but never upset— just puzzled. Her head tilted ever-so-slightly to the side, like a puppy trying to make sense of something.
Cute.
“...Mafuyu?”
Wordlessly, Mafuyu reached her arms out in invitation. As if pulled along by fishing line, Kanade obliged, nodding her understanding and padding over.
Kanade’s embrace had become familiar; the way her soft breaths tickled Mafuyu’s skin, the rustle her jacket made when she looped her arms around her, the smell of the conditioner she used to keep her waterfall of hair silk-like and smooth. They had just never done it quite like this.
Kanade stood in front of her for a moment, carefully determining the best approach, before climbing onto her lap. She gingerly placed her bony knees on the outside of Mafuyu’s thighs, straddling her as she settled down with a content sigh, letting Mafuyu wrap her arms around and pull her close.
Mafuyu pressed her face into the crook of the composer’s neck, breathing in and feeling the familiar warmth wash over her that always accompanied closeness with Kanade. She squeezed a little tighter, pressing Kanade to her chest. Kanade’s breath hitched slightly, and Mafuyu could feel her heart drumming away. Opting not to waste time trying to understand an impulse she knew she couldn’t make sense of, she pressed her lips to Kanade’s pulse without warning, feeling it thrumming faster than usual.
Elevated heart rate, irregular breathing, fidgeting hands resting on her shoulders.
“...Are you nervous?”
Mafuyu spoke without raising her head, words muffled against her companion.
“N-No…!” Kanade’s voice came soft and sudden, like a gasp, and her hair brushed against Mafuyu as she shook her head in fervent dismissal of the idea. “I-It’s just…being like this…”
Mafuyu waited patiently for her to finish that thought, but when nothing came, reluctantly raised her head to look Kanade in the eye—or as much as she could, given that Kanade’s gaze was pointedly looking anywhere but her. The darkened interior of the bedroom could hide a lot, but Mafuyu’s eyes had adapted to the darkness a long time ago, and the change in Kanade’s complexion had not escaped her notice.
She’s blushing.
“...Do you dislike it?”
Kanade was quick to shake her head again.
“May I continue?”
A nod, accompanied by a darkening of the color in her cheeks.
Mafuyu pressed her mouth back against Kanade’s throat, savoring the shudder that met her as she parted her lips and pressed the tip of her tongue against the source of that pulsing rhythm.
Kanade couldn’t help but compose. Even with her hands far away from her keyboard—placed on Mafuyu’s waist so cautiously, like she was afraid of doing something wrong—she was musical. The soft gasp that left her lips was the beginning of a melody, and it made Mafuyu’s heart jump to life the same way that first song had.
She felt so warm like this.
She played with the spot on Kanade’s throat until a bruise formed, stark against her pale skin. It must not have been painful, if the sounds leaving Kanade’s mouth were any indication. Kanade sighed, fingers twitching, tapping unheard melodies against Mafuyu’s sides, leaning into each touch.
Finding the words to explain what she wanted was always hard. So why bother with words? She pulled her head back to look at Kanade, all the while taking her own hands and placing them over the small ones at her side. She could’ve just sat there, holding Kanade’s hands in her own, and she might have been satisfied… almost.
She moved Kanade’s hands, resting them squarely on her own chest, watching the way those blue eyes turned as wide as saucers and the tips of her ears went bright red to match her cheeks.
The poor girl floundered for words, opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water, but she didn’t try to pull her hands away either.
“...You like them, don’t you?”
A sound came out of Kanade’s throat like she was choking.
“You can touch them…I want you to.”
That, it seemed, was the magic phrase. (Distantly, Mafuyu wondered if she could convince Kanade to eat three meals a day if she simply said that she ‘wanted her to’). Kanade’s eyes lit up and her hands relaxed, stretching thin fingers out to carefully take as much as she could into her soft grasp—which admittedly wasn’t very much.
Kanade’s touch was inexperienced, groping and squeezing with ample enthusiasm but no technique. No magical sparks flew, Mafuyu’s sense of feeling didn’t suddenly kick into overdrive, it was nothing like how such an intimate gesture was made out to seem in tales of romance, but it was… nice.
Maybe it would feel better without her blouse in the way? Worth a shot.
Mafuyu got to work unbuttoning the front, giving Kanade pause for just a moment before she frantically moved to try and help with the bottom buttons. The garment slipped off Mafuyu’s shoulders and dropped to pool on the floor next to them, unfolded, getting wrinkled. Her mother would hate that.
Her mother would really hate Mafuyu unhooking her bra and tossing that aside too.
She would hate the way her daughter was letting Kanade’s hands travel back to her chest, shivering at the feeling of skin on skin, so much warmer than before. She would hate the way Kanade looked at Mafuyu, eyes massive with awe and lips parted ever so slightly, like she was looking at either the most beautiful painting or the most delicious meal.
Mafuyu only hated the fact that what her mother was on her mind at this moment.
She didn’t want to think about her, she didn’t want to feel that pit of ice in her stomach that spread through her veins. She wanted heat, so she grabbed Kanade’s head and pulled her face close. She met those pale lips without pause, startling Kanade who had been distracted with her hands and parted her lips in surprise.
The kiss was stiff and crushing, two mouths pressed against each other without the slightest idea of which way to turn to match the other, how to remember to breathe without gasping into the other’s mouth, how to clutch and grasp at pleasure without clinking teeth and turning it to pain.
None of this was practiced, none of it was perfect, and that was precisely what about it made Mafuyu’s still-heart stir.
Her hands gripped Kanade’s form, so tiny in her palms, such a delicate thing, heart hammering against her ribcage like a bird fluttering its wings. She felt as if she could break in Mafuyu’s hands, snap like a brittle twig if Mafuyu only squeezed too hard.
That was what made it all the more exciting to feel her melt instead. Kanade’s body, all hard angles and bone, pooling against her like hot wax as Mafuyu’s hand traveled under her t-shirt. Lithe fingers alternating soft strokes and flicks against her nipples until they hardened under her touch and Kanade shifted on her lap, suddenly antsy.
Kanade broke the kiss to gulp greedy mouthfuls of air—reminding Mafuyu, who had been perfectly fine, of their differences in physical capabilities—and a soft whine left her lips.
“ M-Mafuyu… ”
Picking up on temperature was a bit difficult for Mafuyu, so used to feeling nothing that she hardly registered when something was a little too warm or too cold, but she knew without doubt that Kanade was hot in her lap. She could feel warmth where their hips connected, radiating off of Kanade with every shift in position she made, seeking fruitlessly to find comfort that was just out of reach.
A feeling stirred in her gut, like the memory of appetite.
Her hand traveled lower, crossing the waistband of Kanade’s shorts, that forbidden line, all without stopping to look back.
Wet heat met the tips of her fingers as they dipped low, and for a moment Mafuyu lamented her inability to feel the temperature as intense as it was. If it only registered as a slight warmth to her, how desperately hot must Kanade have actually been?
It bothered her less once she focused instead on the sound it made when she pressed her index finger into Kanade’s folds; a faint, wet noise, muffled by fabric, that should’ve been unpleasant, but fascinated her instead. It beautifully accented Kanade’s wheeze of breath that turned into a moan, low and shaky, the longer Mafuyu explored with her touch.
She threaded her fingers through damp, silvery curls, and traced careful circles with her thumb around that sensitive little bud that made Kanade yelp the first time she brushed over it.
Kanade’s whole body jerked when Mafuyu pressed a finger inside her, and Mafuyu had the sense to pause, seeking Kanade’s gaze with her own. Kanade was squirming in her lap, her body clenched around the foreign intrusion, and her eyes were just barely open, fighting not to squeeze shut.
“...Does it hurt?”
Kanade opened her mouth, but the sound that came out wasn’t so much of a sentence as it was a whimper. Instead, she opted to shake her head vigorously, an action that soothed a tightness in Mafuyu’s chest that she belatedly recognized as worry.
“Does it feel…good?”
Kanade moaned. Then, when she realized that could’ve had the slightest ambiguity, managed to breathe out a quiet, yet coherent, “ Yes.”
That was what Mafuyu wanted. She wanted Kanade, and she wanted Kanade to want this, to want her.
She started moving her hand again, curling her finger just so, in and out until the growing slick left Kanade’s shorts and underwear as the only resistance hindering Mafuyu’s movements.
Those would have to go. Taking them off entirely would’ve proven to be a hassle given Kanade’s position, so Mafuyu reluctantly settled for harshly tugging them down with her free hand, exposing Kanade’s damp skin to the air and making her suck a breath in through her teeth.
Mafuyu kissed her again, which seemed to make it better. Kanade’s lips were so warm, and as she parted them and deepened the kiss, Mafuyu could feel the vibrations of every noise of pleasure that she swallowed.
She dared to add another finger to the first, spreading the two and stretching wider. Kanade’s squirming only intensified; rutting against Mafuyu’s hand like an animal, moving her body more vigorously now than she had in the entire past week combined. Or month, for that matter.
Kanade broke from the kiss, throwing her head back with a jolt, provoking a faint sting of disappointment in Mafuyu lasting only as long as it took to realize why Kanade so desperately needed air.
“M-Mafuyu…! Mafuyu!”
That quiet voice, so rarely raised beyond a whisper, now calling her name with mounting desperation, like a prayer.
“D-Don’t stop…please…”
Mafuyu wouldn’t have ever dreamed of it. She committed to memory each movement of her wrist that made Kanade’s toes curl, which parts of her available skin she seemed to most enjoy Mafuyu’s lips leaving bruising kisses upon, and how to play her body like an instrument to make the most wonderful song.
A song that was over far too quickly.
Kanade went rigid in her arms, and Mafuyu could feel the tension in her body before it snapped, leaving her to collapse like a puppet with cut strings, twitching in Mafuyu’s lap. A trickle of fluid tickled Mafuyu’s wrist as she slowly pulled her hand away and examined it under the blue light of the nearby monitors.
Slick that stretched between her fingers as she separated them, coating her fingers and dribbling easily down her palm and wrist.
She wanted to taste it, she knew she wouldn’t be able to.
Still, Mafuyu popped her index finger into her mouth, prompting a squeak of surprise from a still-dazed Kanade. As expected, no flavor hit her tongue, no matter how much she licked clean from her digits. She still felt…hungry? No, not quite. Her abdomen felt tight, her whole body felt like a wound spring.
“...Kanade.”
“Yes?”
Kanade pulled her head up from where she had hidden it against Mafuyu’s shoulder, voice strained and soft, hair disheveled, but an expression as soft and gentle and warm as anything.
“I think…I’m feeling something.”
Kanade’s eyes sparkled in spite of her exhaustion.
“That’s wonderful Mafuyu… How does it feel?”
Mafuyu paused.
“I don’t know…will you help?”
She took Kanade’s hand in her own and moved it lower, until it teased the top of her skirt.
Kanade’s face was red all over, but Mafuyu knew her answer without her having to say a word.
I want to.