Chapter Text
Buck, 27
Firefighter
What made me apply for Love is Blind? Uh, well, it's been a couple of months since my last serious relationship ended. Which was also my first serious relationship. But I feel like I'm ready for a real commitment. That, and one of my coworkers made me apply, so if this all goes wrong, blame Chimney.
No, that's not his real name.
No, I can't tell you why we call him Chimney on TV. You won't be able to air it. Even on Netlfix.
Eddie, 28
Firefighter
My sisters actually applied for me. They said it wouldn't be like other dating shows, that's its meant to be like a science experiment. My wife- sorry, my ex-wife, still getting used to it, divorced me fairly recently. I want to get back in the dating pool, but it's hard when you're a single dad. I'd like to find a real connection, and somehow this seems preferable to having my tía set me up on dates with her friends’ daughters.
I just moved here recently, so at least I'll maybe make some new friends to show me around LA when it's over.
***
If you had told Eddie even two weeks ago that he would contemplate being on a reality dating show, he would have laughed in your face. Yet somehow, when his sisters had sent him the acceptance email for the application they’d sent in on his behalf for a new dating show, he… said yes.
He would be lying if he said he wasn’t lonely, now that Shannon had left. He didn’t know how he found the time to be lonely between working three jobs, getting his firefighting certification, moving to L.A., and convincing his parents that Chris should move with him.
Really, he wanted someone who could be in his corner. With Shannon gone, it was just Eddie and Christopher and his parents. After living with them for a year, he understood better why Shannon had been so desperate to leave, but he didn’t know how she could ever leave their son.
Christopher was the light of his life. All he wanted, all he strived to do, was provide for him a good home and a stable family. So, if he could meet someone here, someone mature and committed, well. It would solve a lot of problems for him.
So, there he is, in an overly decorated room full of men he didn’t know, waiting for a Nick and Vanessa to arrive. He doesn’t know who they are, but presumably they’re famous because there’s a hum of nervous-yet-excited energy buzzing throughout the room. Or maybe that’s just the fluorescent lights.
He can’t bring himself to focus on just one thing in the complete sensory overwhelm of this new experience. Is he supposed to look at the cameras or pretend like they’re not there? Does he look okay? Why are there so many plants?
What he does notice, in his panicked assessment of the room, watching everyone say their awkward hellos to each other, is that they are all uniformly attractive. “I thought the point of this show was supposed to be finding out if love if blind,” he jokes to the man closest to him - a tall, Black man who he thought was called Derek. It’s been a lot of names and faces, and Eddie doesn’t know if he can even remember his own name, let alone anyone else's.
“It’s still a TV show,” Derek shrugs. His voice is rich and deep; if Eddie was one of the girls, he could easily imagine himself falling in love with a voice like that. “Besides, just because two people are hot, doesn’t mean that they’ll fall in love.”
“But they’re more likely to want to jump each other’s bones, which makes for a more entertaining show, I’m sure.” Eddie is trying to be open minded, but now that he’s here, he can’t help but be doubtful about the intentions behind the show. He takes a deep breath. Ten days. He just has to make it through ten days.
As his gaze flits about, his eyes catch on one of the taller guys in the group. Loud and brash, he takes up all the space in the room. It’s impossible not to look at him, he thinks. He catches the other guys glancing at the man, too, scoping him out as if he’s a threat. If they’re all going into this experiment with an open mind and heart, then surely none of them are threats to each other. This isn’t a competition. This is about finding love.
The man gestures expansively and carelessly - Eddie notices the wet patches on the carpet and on his shirt where his drink has spilled over the lip of his cup. Worse, the guy doesn’t seem aware at all aware of the mess he’s made.
“What's the deal with that thing on your face?” Someone asks. He thinks he's called Stephen. If Eddie remembers correctly, he'd introduced himself as a pharmaceutical sales rep and Eddie had immediately stopped listening from boredom. Maybe that boded ill for the entire concept of the show, if he couldn't even let a man introduce himself without mentally checking out. “Did you get punched before the show? Your girlfriend find out?”
The big guy - call me Buck - laughs, but he brings a hand up to his eye and rubs the mark self-consciously. “It's a birthmark, actually.”
Eddie lingers on the outside of the group, pretending to explore the kitchen and check out the pool table. He needs to make at least one friend here to play with, or he will go insane from boredom.
The most disconcerting aspect of their quarters is the lack of windows. They’d taken his watch from him along with his phone and the pictures of Christopher he’d brought with him when he’d arrived the day before for the show. Time was not allowed here, it seemed, and already Eddie’s keen sense of time was leaving him. Had it been minutes or hours since they’d been shepherded into this warehouse like lambs to the slaughter, heedless of what they had signed up for.
Soon, the crew start moving with intention, and there’s a five minute warning for the hosts arrival. The producers tell them to act natural - they want them to pretend to be surprised and excited when Nick and Vanessa walk into the room, but Eddie is not a good actor.
No one notices his complete lack of reaction, though, because Buck gives it way too much, whooping like he’s at a high school football game and his son just scored the winning… goal? Eddie had considered it an act of rebellion to learn nothing about football, and had encountered nothing in his life to get him to change that stance.
He sighs, waiting to be told they’ll have to reshoot, but they just keep going. Eddie hopes they’ll keep the laughter and Buck’s sheepish smile in the edit. It makes everything feel more natural, and Eddie’s shoulders relax as the hosts start their introductory spiel.
“Guys, welcome to Love is Blind.” One of the producers gestures for them to cheer, so they cheer. Eddie gives a lame fist pump, and a part of him wishes he had died in that helicopter crash. “Do you feel like the dating world is just skin deep?”
There’s a chorus of agreement, the guys around him all nodding, so he nods along with them. “Girls see me and think because I’m this big guy, that I’ll be some dumb jock, but I’m actually an astrophysicist.” That is, he thinks, someone called Joel? Either way, he rolls his eyes. What a struggle. Eddie regrets not packing the world’s smallest violin to play.
“We all want to be loved for who we are,” Nick continues. “Not for what we look like. That’s why we are taking a radical approach to dating to ask: is love truly blind?”
Vanessa continues: “Over the next few days, you are going to have the chance to fall in love based on who you are on the inside. There’ll be no devices, no distractions. The only times you’ll interact will be in the pods, separated by a thin wall.” She pauses, to really let that sink in. “You will choose who you want to spend time with, and when you meet that special someone, you’ll propose.”
“Wow,” one of the guys says under his breath, and Nick smiles kindly at him.
“Once you’ve proposed, if your partner accepts, you’ll get to meet your fiancé for the first time. Then, in four weeks, at your wedding, you will make the most important decision of your life.” Nick emphasises the point, but Eddie suspects it holds more weight when you haven’t already got one failed marriage under your belt.
His hands are sweating, so he tries to surreptitiously wipe them on his pants. So far, he’s gotten away with being under the radar, and the last thing he wants is to draw any attention to himself.
“Will you say ‘I do’ to the person you meet here, sight unseen?” Nick continues.
“Or will the real world get in the way of your love?” Vanessa finishes. “If you’re ready to find the love of your life, then get ready to run through those doors, because the pods are officially open!”
Eddie swallows, gripping his cup tighter. It all hits him at this moment, and he can only pray the cameras don’t catch the look of sheer panic on his face. This is too much, too fast. He can hear his tía Pepa’s voice in his head, telling him that he needs to be open to connections. The universe returns the energy that you put out into it.
Of course, he does not believe in ‘the universe’. But he takes a few deep breaths, and gets ready to film the shot of them all heading out the doors and into the pods.
The pods aren’t actually open for another hour, as the same speech has to be filmed for the girls, and it is the longest hour of his life. By the end of it, Eddie’s shoulders are around his ears with stress, and he doesn’t think he’s said more than three words the entire time. He’s just saving it all for the women, he tells himself. Yeah. This is fine.
***
“So, Eddie, you’re a firefighter?”
“I’m going to be, yeah. Why, are you planning on setting any fires any time soon?”
“If it gets your attention, sure.”
***
“I actually just moved to L.A. a couple of weeks ago.”
“No way, me too! I’m from Austin, originally.”
“El Paso.”
“Oh, no, we can’t date. My dad has an eternal grudge against El Paso ever since he lost a football championship to a school there.”
“And this is why I hate football.”
“I have to go.”
***
“So, what is Eddie short for?”
“How do you know it’s a nickname?”
“I hope no self-respecting adult would call their child Eddie. That just seems cruel.”
“Hey, I like Eddie! It’s a good name. What’s Ana short for?
“Nothing, because Ana is a valid name all on its own.”
“Agree to disagree. Guess. If you can guess my full name in three tries, we’ll go on a second date.”
“Aren’t you confident, Rumpelstiltskin.”
“Two more guesses…”
“That was a joke! It shouldn’t count.”
“Don’t tear yourself in half over it.”
“...Edmundo. That was my grandfather’s name.”
“Oh, wow. Nobody’s gotten it right before. Huh.”
***
The first day in the pods was more rigorously scheduled than a day in the army. On the one hand, Eddie found the structure reassuring. On the other, filming had taken nearly fourteen hours and he was completely exhausted. They weren’t allowed back to their hotel rooms until everyone’s dates were finished, so he spends his time looking at the empty cupboards and willing some snacks to appear.
A couple of the guys are already drunk - their drink options are primarily alcoholic, so he’s not shocked, but it makes for a slightly unpleasant atmosphere.
Eddie is just giving them a wide berth, trying to block out their ranking of how sexy the girls are based purely on their voices. He doesn’t know why, but he feels a pang of disappointment seeing Buck among them. He’d seemed a little dumb, maybe, but not gross like the other guys with him.
“I thought the whole point of this place was to get away from that bullshit.” Derek sidles up next to him. Eddie smiles, shoulders relaxing at getting to talk to someone without feeling a need to perform.
“What, you mean you didn't find the way Juliet drawled just so hot.” Eddie rolls his eyes. He's not surprised to see Buck over with the other bros, but he at least has the dignity to look a little uncomfortable with the way the other guys are talking.
“You know that guy is a firefighter, too?” Derek asks, nodding his head Buck's way.
Eddie chokes. “What? No way.”
“Imagine if you get out of here and he's at the station you get assigned to.”
“I'll quit,” Eddie says, deadpan. He’s talked so much today, giving the same rundown so many times and with so much pressure to impress that it's nice to talk without expectations. It's a relief to go the rest of the day without herding any more variations of the same old sexy firefighter jokes.
Derek gives him a searching look. “So, Juliet’s sexy voice aside, what’s the vibe?”
Eddie tries not to grimace, but it must show on his face because Derek just slaps him sympathetically on the shoulder.
It's not that he hadn't met anyone nice, or interesting. Juliet did have a sexy voice, he supposed, if you were into Southern accents. Mostly, they'd just commiserated about being from Texas and finding LA a little bit of a culture shock. Marie had been sweet - she'd been the first girl he'd spoken to and their conversation had been easy once they'd shaken off their nerves. Taylor had set off all of his red flags, so it didn't surprise him that the bros on the couch were talking about her like she was the best thing since sliced bread. Apparently, she did traffic reports. Thrilling.
“Ana seems nice," he settles on. She has a similar background to him - they'd spend most of their time talking about their families and family values. She's a teacher and loves kids and seems kind. Christopher would love her. His family would love her, too.
Derek pauses, giving Eddie room to elaborate. He doesn't. “I'm really excited to talk more to Marie. She was the only one I was sad to leave, you know?”
Eddie doesn't know. It had been a relief every time he'd been allowed to leave the pods.
As they're scrounging the kitchen for food, Buck walks over, chest puffed out like a posturing peacock. “So you're the firefighter everyone couldn't stop talking about today, Eduardo?” His words come out with a slight slur, and Eddie can just feel all the cameras honing in on them. Drama on day one? A producer's wet dream.
It reminds Eddie of Ana, how she’d guessed his name on her first real try. It didn’t mean anything, really, but it had forged an immediate connection between them. Unlike this guy, who’s clearly trying to antagonise him.
Eddie sighs, crossing his arms as he leans back against the counter. He gives Buck a lazy once over, dismissive. The guy is handsome, Eddie will give him that. The bright pink of his birthmark highlights the blue of his eyes, bright as they are with drunkenness. It adds dimension to his face, making Eddie want to keep looking, wondering if there's anything more to him than the shallow frat boy he's shown himself to be.
“That’s not my name,” he says.
“Feels like every girl I spoke to today wouldn’t shut up about you.” Buck looks him up and down in return, eyes dragging with judgement. “I don’t get the hype myself.”
A laugh bubbles up unbidden in Eddie’s throat at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Here he is, desperate to leave, with a child at home waiting for him, and some hot idiot is starting shit with him over what? “If the only thing you have going for you is being a firefighter, I don’t see how that’s my problem. This isn’t a competition! The right girl will like you for you, not because of your job.”
Buck rolls his eyes at him. “Now you’re trying to make me look like the bad guy.”
“I think you’re doing that just fine on your own,” Derek cuts in, but Buck doesn’t even look his way.
“What are we measuring here, Buck?”
Buck flushes red and sputters. “Just stay away from me,” he says lamely, before walking away.
“You were the one who came over here?” Eddie says into the empty air. “That was weird.”
He shakes his head, taking a sip of the wine in his stupid gold goblet. It's not good. So far, not much about this experience is.
***
Buck
Another firefighter? Seriously? And he's hotter than me? Am I in a nightmare?
Yeah, Taylor is really exciting to me. She’s ambitious, she’s confident. I’m a little bit scared of her, but in the good way. Ali, though, she appeals to my more mature side.
You know he's not even a real firefighter yet, right? He just qualified. I've saved people from a plane crash. Did he talk about me?
Eddie
Yeah, Ana is nice. We have a lot in common.
***
Buck wakes up with a pounding headache and a deep sense of regret. He doesn't remember exactly what he said last night, but he knows that it was probably something stupid.
God, everyone is going to hate him. Not just everyone here, but everyone in America. And the world.
The pounding isn't just inside his head - there's a crew member knocking angrily on the door. Maybe if they wanted the cast to wake up on time, they shouldn't be in the business of getting them as drunk as possible. Today, he's not touching alcohol, not even a single beer. No way.
But when the image of Eddie - Not Eduardo, Just Eddie - flashes in his mind, he feels the urge to find the nearest alcoholic drink and down it.
‘I'm coming!’ he groans as the knocks continue.
By the time he's dressed and ready, he's already ten minutes late. He's definitely getting a bad edit after this. The rest of the guys are already in the room, milling around. The energy levels are definitely much lower than they had been the previous morning. Clearly, he's not the only one who got a little too loose last night.
Breakfast is disappointing, too. It's as low energy at the guys are - some fruit and some bagels, but there's hardly enough to feed just him, let alone fourteen other grown men.
As he takes a bite of an apple, he feels a pang for breakfasts at the firehouse. He's only been away for a couple of days, but he already misses the home he's made at the station. The guys are nice, but as he looks at Brent and Joel and how they're already making gross assumptions about the women they're all dating, he frowns. In the light of a new day, he wonders if he's made friends with the right people at all, or if he'd just fallen so quickly for what's been familiar to him for so long that he'd failed to see how unpleasant they are.
The food doesn't settle well in his stomach, nor does his behaviour. Bobby would be disappointed in him, and just the thought of it makes him nauseous. It may be enhanced by the hangover, but the guilt is contributing its fair share.
“Regretting last night?” And there it is, the voice that made his hackles rise. He couldn't place what exactly set him off - was it how assured Eddie sounded? How it always seemed like he was laughing at him?
He swallows his bite and tries to be his better self. It's a struggle to get himself to look Eddie in the eye, but he manages. Eventually. “I'm sorry. I was out of line.”
Eddie smirks. It's infuriating. “I'm used to this kind of posturing in the army, but I expected better from reality TV show contestants… and I'm now realising how stupid that sounds.”
Buck can't help himself, breaking out into a laugh. “Well, I promise to try not to be an ass again.”
They shake hands, and Buck is definitely not staring at how big Eddie’s hands are, how their grasp encompasses his own hands. He doesn’t think about the casual strength within his grip, or how the warmth settles on his skin, accompanying him through another day of endless talking.
***
“What made you apply to be on this show?” Ali asks. Her voice is warm, with an undercurrent of efficiency. It’s strange how much Buck has to pay attention to vocal cues now, but he enjoys trying to puzzle them out.
He lies down on the couch. It’s late, and he’s long since changed into his sweats. There’s no point in dressing up when the other person can’t see you in the first place. His cup is resting precariously on his chest. "Weirdly, this is kind of how I met my last girlfriend?”
“Oh?” He can hear fabric shifting and soft footsteps. Ali had said that she likes to move around while they’re talking.
“Yeah. She was a dispatcher, and she started calling me, at first to help with calls, and then it started to get more… personal, I guess. I had no idea what she looked like before I met her. I just fell in love with the person that she is.” Buck tries not to think about Abby, these days. After he’d moved out of her condo, it became easier, but she still danced on the edges of his thoughts.
“What were your previous relationships like?”
Buck runs his fingers around the rim of his cup, focusing on the sound and the movement. “The honest truth? I was kind of a fuckboy.”
She laughs, and Buck feels his stomach swooping with nerves. “At least you admitted it.”
“I can be too honest for my own good, sometimes.”
“There are worse flaws to have. What do your family think about you doing this?”
It takes him a second to remember that she probably isn’t asking about the 118, but about his parents. “I haven’t told my parents. We’re not very close. But my friends all think it’s hilarious. They’ll be happy for me if I find someone, but mostly they’re looking forward to me making a fool of myself in front of an audience of millions.”
“My mom and I are super close, but when I told her she just cackled over the phone for a full three minutes.” He hasn’t heard any footsteps for a while now. Is that a good sign? “It is pretty ridiculous.”
“Maybe, but it’s good to be a little ridiculous sometimes. Did I tell you about the time I tried to take my girlfriend on a hot air balloon date?” He stares at his own hand as it traces strange patterns into the condensation. It’s the hand that Eddie held, and he can still feel the lingering warmth though he knows by now that it must all be in his head.
“God, don’t ever try that with me. I’m petrified of heights.” Buck can hear the shudder in her voice.
“So, you want us to go on more dates, huh?” He smiles to himself at the thought, trying to picture this woman he doesn't know, but who already makes him want to be better. He can't quite make out the shape of her in his mind, yet, but when he envisions holding her hand, it leaves him with the same heat that Eddie had left him with.
“Better you than that troglodyte Brent. You know he asked me to rate my own ‘hotness’ - his words - on a scale of one to ten, then asked if I’ve ever fucked on the first date.”
He rakes a hand down his face, groaning in shame and regret. He didn’t even know how he’d ended up hanging out with those guys, but it wasn’t going to happen again. “Do you think he knows what show he’s on, or did he get lost on the way to Too Hot to Handle?”
“It’s a novel approach, for sure. If his goal is to turn everyone off, he’s doing an excellent job.”
Out of all the girls, Ali is the easiest for him to talk to. She’s way smarter than him, but he likes that. He’s always been curious and open to new experiences, trying new things, and he thinks she matches that energy. They could travel together, or watch random documentaries together. It could be good.
***
When he gets back to the boys, he takes Brent aside immediately. He's one of the few guys here who's bigger than Buck, and one of the few who's even more insecure. He's also the baby of the group, having just finished college. Too old to be acting the way he is, though.
“Hey, man, you're starting to make some of the girls uncomfortable," he says.
Brent snorts. “That's rich coming from you. You were saying the same shit I was last night.”
“Yeah, but I was drunk and it wasn't right. We're supposed to get to know these women, not treat them like the only thing that matters is how they look.” Buck can only imagine the shit he's going to get from, well, literally everyone he knows for what he said last night. And he deserves it. It makes him sad to think that Brent doesn't have friends good enough to have ever called him out on his behaviour.
Brent shrugs him off. “It's just flirting, man. The girls like it.”
“You're digging your own grave," Buck says, but Brent has already gone, slinking over to Joel and Stephen. Well, those were the only friends he had in this place, gone. Good riddance, he supposes.
There's not much food in the kitchen again, but he looks at the scant options available to him and tries to imagine what Bobby would do with them. There are some eggs, different cheeses, an array of fruits and veggies. It's not dinner, by any stretch of the imagination, but he can make a few omelets and keep the hunger at bay.
As he's cooking, his attention drifts to Eddie. He's hanging out with Derek again, the two of them having fallen into an easy friendship that for some reason makes Buck even more irritated.
They're laughing together, and he's so caught up in Eddie's smile that he doesn't even notice the cut in his finger until he sees a flash of red on the cutting board. “Fuck,” he swears.
Now, it's not a serious injury by any stretch of the imagination, and Buck has medical training. He knows what to do with minor cuts. But in the few seconds it takes his brain to register what's happened and what he should do, Eddie has already walked over.
“Don't worry, I was a medic.” His hands are gentle, yet capable as he inspects Buck's wound. A protest is on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows it back. Lets himself be looked after, for once.
Buck has a long history of injuries, from a combination of carelessness, clumsiness and a desperate need for attention. Crashing his motorbike, ‘falling’ from trees, bike accidents as a child. The cost of his pain had been barely worth the reward of the bare minimum of his parents' affection, until even they had become irritated by his exploits. It was only Maddie who had ever really cared for him. Who had kissed his wounds better, stroked his hair, told him she loved him.
Then she had left, and Buck had chased after that affection however he could. The quiet moments after a one-night stand. Late nights bartending when the patrons became too drunk and too honest. The gratefulness of those he is able to save.
It’s just a small cut, but it feels so much bigger than that.
Eddie asks for a first aid kit and efficiently cleans up the wound, placing a band-aid over it. “I think you'll get to keep the finger.”
“Phew.” Buck mimes wiping sweat from his forehead. His smile is still shaky from how affected he was from Eddie’s deft hands. “My hero.”
Eddie doesn’t linger, but Buck stands frozen, staring at the band-aid on his finger like it contains within it the secrets of the universe. Then the smoke alarm goes off, and the moment vanishes.
The omelets end up a little burnt, but it's worth the drama to provide everyone with a hot meal that's worthy of eating at the table. Days without family dinner have left him with a hole in his chest, but he settles as most of the other guys sit around the table. The conversation is lively, not just talking about their dates, but their lives and their dreams. They’re only here for ten days, but he’s determined to make those days as comfortable as he can, for everyone.
***
Day three passes in a blur.
They’re already at the stage where they’re being given longer dates with fewer people, and while Eddie is glad not to have to speak to Taylor anymore, he still struggles to fill several hours with a stranger.
He does find, though, as the days go on, that it becomes easier. His issues on the few dates that he had been on since Shannon had left was feeling the need to perform. He couldn’t just be himself, he had to be an Eddie who was desirable and confident and knew what to do on dates. He and Shannon had never really properly dated in the first place, so it was all a whole new world to him and women had so far not responded to that.
He thinks, as he sits in the pods with Ana, clenching a cushion close to his chest, that this is more like therapy than dating.
“I, uh. I have something I need to tell you. A couple of somethings, actually.” Eddie is worried that the cushion will tear beneath the strength of his anxious grip.
He can hear Ana shifting, envisions her sitting up to pay better attention. When he pictures her, he doesn’t really picture anything specific. He’d overheard some of the other guys describing what they’d imagined, listing qualities and physical traits that they found attractive and Frankensteining them into their perfect woman.
Eddie just. Wasn’t sure what he found attractive in a woman. He had been attracted to Shannon, he thinks. He must have been, right? They’d had sex successfully enough to have a child, after all. However, even as a teenager, he hadn’t been able to join in with the conversations other boy’s had about who was the hottest cheerleader, or which celebrities they had crushes on. It had been a huge relief, dating Shannon, as it finally got their increasingly suspicious eyes off of his back.
“Okay,” she says.
“And I won’t be upset at all if this changes your opinion of me, or makes you want to not see me again.”
“Edmundo, stop giving me caveats and just tell me.”
“So,” he hedges. “I recently got divorced. It was amicable, mostly. And we have a child together.”
There’s a pause, and his hands start to sweat. At this point, Ana is really his only option. Once he’d gotten past talking about his career history, he just found he hadn’t really had that much to talk about with the other girls. There was one, Briana, who also had served, but there’s only so much military talk he’s willing to do these days.
“Thank you for telling me," Ana says, eventually. She doesn’t sound angry, just contemplative. Calm.
“My kid is eight. I know I’m biased, but he’s the best kid in the world. I love him to pieces. My wife- ex-wife, sorry, isn’t really in the picture right now. Her mom has cancer.”
“Do you think you’re ready to jump into another serious relationship so soon?”
Eddie falls back into the couch. For how much time they want the cast to spend sitting on them, the couches are deeply uncomfortable. He misses his couch at home, the way it sinks beneath him and holds him. “My ex and I were barely together in the first place, honestly. We got together when we were young, then had a kid when we were too young. Then I got scared and went on two tours instead of taking on the responsibility of being a husband and a father. By the time I got back, she wanted out.”
He’s surprised by his own honesty. It is easier to be truthful when you can’t see the person you're talking to. The words feel less real, the consequences less… consequentíal. “I’m ready now, though. I’ve basically been a single father for the last year. I’m not that same kid who ran away whenever things got difficult.” He takes a deep breath, feeling lighter for the admission. “What about you?”
“Have I ever been divorced? Not yet, but there’s a first for everything.” She laughs, and Eddie smiles at the sound. She has a beautiful laugh.
“No, what’s your relationship history? Now that you’ve heard how pathetic mine is.”
“I’ve had a couple of serious relationships, but nothing has worked out. Obviously. My last boyfriend cheated on my with my best friend, and that really impacted my self-esteem. I couldn’t believe that she would throw away years of friendship for a guy that both of us had only known for a couple of months-” she stops, her voice breaking.
“I’m so sorry, that’s awful,” he says, giving her a moment to get herself together.
“Yeah,” she sniffs. “Sorry, I never wanted to be one of those people who comes on reality TV to just cry all the time. Anyway, after that, I stopped dating for a while. Took some time to focus on myself and my PhD. Then, a friend told me about this show, and I thought it would be a good way to find someone who isn’t scared of commitment. Like you.”
“Yeah," he says. “Like me.” He wishes he could do something to comfort her. It’s cruel, that the nature of the pods is isolation. It forces you into vulnerability and then leaves you with nothing to make you feel better.
***
There seems to be actual food available for dinner today, which is a surprise. Buck certainly looks pleased as he starts cooking, and Eddie surprises himself by going over and offering to help.
“I'm not much of a chef, but I chop as well as the next guy,” he says as he sidles up to Buck.
Buck chuckles. “For your fingers’ sake, I hope you're better than the next guy.” He flashes his injured hand. “Slice these peppers for me.”
He rolls his eyes at the order, but slices away. They fall into an easy companionship as Eddie preps and Buck cooks, making enough fajitas to feed everyone. By the end of it, Buck is beaming with pride.
“My boss would be so proud of this,” he says, groaning as he takes a bite. “These wouldn't be as tasty without your chopping skills. Truce?”
Eddie shakes Buck's hand for the second time in two days. “Sure. Truce.” He wasn't aware that they were still fighting. “How'd your dates go today?”
“Well, this morning, I thought I'd still be really torn between Ali and Taylor, but I don't think Taylor is here for the right reasons.” Buck talks with his mouth full, which Eddie should find repulsive, but finds himself oddly endeared by. For someone who had seemed so insecure, he's also incredibly unselfconscious. Eddie envies that.
Eddie quirks an eyebrow at him, remembering the drunken conversation from the other night. “And you are?”
“Hey, I may have gotten off to a bad start, but that was Buck 1.0. Now, I'm back to Buck 2.0 and he is locked in.” He finds a camera and looks down the lens. “You hear that, America. I'm locked in.”
“Please don't talk to the cameras," a beleaguered crew member says. Eddie gets the feeling that Buck has been talking to the cameras a lot.
“What about you? I mean, you're a hot firefighter. I can't imagine it's hard for you to get dates,” Buck says, and Eddie has been wondering the same thing. There's no way Buck has ever struggled to date before. In fact, he screams fuckboy.
Eddie shrugs. “You'd be surprised. It's more difficult when you have a kid.”
“No way! I love kids,” Buck exclaims.
“I love this one.”
Buck puts a hand on his shoulder. “You must miss them. I mean, I've been going crazy with no phone and I don't even really have anyone to talk to, so I can't imagine how you must feel.”
He'd tried to smuggle in a photo of Christopher, but everything had been taken from him on the first day. He touches his St Christopher necklace, which they had so graciously allowed him to keep. “It's tough, especially after I've already missed so much time with him. I just hope that it all works out and I can provide him with a family again. It's what he deserves.”
Buck looks at him, and Eddie has been getting far too used to not seeing who he's talking to if just talking to Buck is making him this flustered. “Is that what you want?”
“Of course,” Eddie says, too quickly. Neither of them believe it, but Buck has the kindness to not push. “How did you put it? I'm locked in.”
“Say it to the camera.”
“Do not say it to the camera," the same crew member warns,
He looks to the nearest camera. “I'm locked in.”
It's the easiest conversation he's had so far.
***
Eddie
Ana and I… We have a real connection. I can’t remember the last time I felt comfortable being that honest with someone, or have someone be that honest with me. I haven’t always been great at communication. That was probably one of the biggest reasons my last relationship ended the way it did. We just didn’t feel like we could talk to each other without it becoming an argument.
The other guys, aside from the obvious, are all great. I’m lucky I don’t think I’m in a love triangle, that would be awkward. I know that Buck was having some trouble with Taylor and Ali, but he seems settled in his choices now. I was probably a little too quick to judge him. I hope I get to leave here with some new friends, as well as a fiancé.
Buck
Taylor said a couple of things today that made me think she's more interested in a physical connection, which Buck 1.0 would be all here for. But I'm better now, so I think I'm going to call it off with her tomorrow.
After every date, I imagine that I'm back at the firehouse and my boss and coworkers are helping me debrief. It's helping me to make good choices. I definitely fell in with the wrong crowd here at first, but I'm excited to get to know the rest of the guys more, too. Did you know that Eddie’s a dad?
Right, you guys cast the show.
***
Eddie wants to cry.
He's on the phone, and he's talking to his son, and he wants to cry.
This is pathetic, he thinks. He's been away from Christopher for far longer stretches of time and pushed the deep yearning down, deep enough for him to get through the days. He’s out of practice, after a year of being with him as much as he can.
When Eddie had been cast on the show, he had spiralled about how to explain where he was going to Christopher. They both hated to be away from each other, and it felt cruel that he could just leave him after they were both barely settled in a new city. Luckily, his tía and abuela were here and willing to look after him for the time he’d be away, but the no contact rule was punishing for both him and his son.
He had explained that he was doing an experiment to meet new people and make some new friends - it seemed the most sensible course of action, rather than getting him excited about the prospect of Eddie dating. They had had conversations, after Shannon left, about the fact that he might want to meet someone new. They would never take Shannon’s place in Christopher’s life, but Eddie felt like he owed him another parental figure after years of his own failures.
This is probably something that he would talk about in therapy, if that was something he was willing to do, but it’s hard to fight against the years of conditioning that admitting you have feelings in the first place is a weakness.
Christopher tells him all about his school; how he’s learning about the planets in the solar system, and did Eddie know about Pluto? Eddie could listen to him talk about anything all day.
“Have you made any friends, dad?” Christopher asks.
At this moment, Ana doesn’t come to mind at all. Instead, his memory of his last conversation with Buck, and how warm he had felt eating a dinner he had helped make at a table of men united by this strange experience. “I think I have.”
When the crew member comes in to cut the call off, he tries to drag it out as long as possible, but it's still over before he's ready.
‘Thanks,’ he says to the crew member, but the woman just shrugs and tells him to thank Buck.
***
It's the morning of day six, and Buck is a ball of nerves.
He was up early, and begged to be let into the men's quarters so that he could make breakfast and take his mind off of things.
It should be Ali that makes him nervous. He thinks of her, thinks of the date that they'll have today. He's putting some extra effort into breakfast, making an extra serving for her to walk into when the pods open soon. An extra serving that is, aside from the one he's already made for himself and for Eddie.
Because it was Eddie that he was really nervous about seeing. He wasn't going to over analyse the butterflies in his stomach at the thought of the other man, or about his reaction to the little surprise that Buck had planned for him.
Eddie is one of the last men to walk into their quarters, stretching his arms out as he comes through the door. He's wearing an olive green t-shirt and dark trousers, one of the more casual looks being worn today, but he looks good. More relaxed than he has so far throughout the process.
“Buck!” Eddie shouts as soon as he spots him. Buck tries to hide behind Derek, but Derek just looks confused at the drama.
“What did you do to piss him off this time? I thought you two were good now,” Derek asks.
Buck shrinks into himself. “I might have massively overstepped.”
“Did you ask Ana to marry him or something?”
“Or something.” Eddie is walking towards him at great speed, barely even acknowledging the other guys as they offer casual greetings. It wasn't that Eddie had made a bad impression, but he was quiet and kept mostly to Buck and Derek these days.
These days, he thinks. Like they've been here for years and not literally five days. Christ, he couldn't wait to get out of here and have access to things like clocks and windows and the internet. Without access to Wikipedia or his job, he was ready to start climbing the walls from boredom.
He's interrupted from his spiral by Eddie pulling him into a hug before he can even say hello. “Thank you," he says into Buck's neck.
If Buck shudders at the feeling of his breath and lips against his skin, the rasp of his stubble against Buck’s neck, neither of them mention it. It doesn't mean anything. They're both straight. Just two big, hot, straight guys manfully sharing an emotional and heterosexual hug.
Eddie pulls away before Buck can hug back, and his cheeks are a little flushed. “What the hell did you do to get the producers to let me speak to my son? Because I tried asking nicely, and that didn't do anything.”
Buck rubs the back of his neck shyly, looking down and back up again. “I promised to stop speaking directly into the cameras.” He'd actually promised a crew member $50 to do it on the sly, but he wasn't about to admit to that in front of the producers.
Eddie laughs, and it's the best sound in the world. All Buck wants to do today is try and make him laugh again. You know, like a friend would do.
***
“Do you think we'll get to see each other at work?” Buck asks after dinner.
Breakfast with Ali had gone better than he had expected. She had been thrilled that he'd remembered her favourite breakfast food. It was her mom's birthday, and she was sad about the fact that she couldn't spend it with her. He'd tried his best to cheer her up when she needed it and to comfort her when she couldn't bring herself to laugh through the pain of missing such an important day.
It was nice, being vulnerable with someone. Or, someone being vulnerable with him. He was trying, but he wasn't sure if he was doing an entirely convincing job. They'd spoken a little about Abby, and he'd alluded to his bad relationship with his own parents, but they mostly talked about her.
He immediately feels better when he gets back to the men's quarters. Slumped into the couch, sated from a good meal (if he does say so himself - he seems to be the only one here who can cook), Eddie's shoulder leaning gently against his.
Most of the other guys are still out on dates, and he's excited to hear all about their success when they get back. For the moment, though, he’s enjoying the peace and quiet.
Eddie peers up at him through his long lashes. “Probably. What station did you say you work with again?”
“I never said. My boss told me to not say it on TV in case I give the station bad publicity.” Buck shrugs, feels Eddie's body move slightly with him. Buck’s nose scrunches with thought. “He might have been joking, now that I think about it.”
“That makes sense, I guess. I hope we do. But we both live in LA, right? There's no reason why we can't hang out after this week.” Eddie sounds tired, and when Buck looks at him, his eyes are drifting closed.
“I'll show you all the best breakfast spots.”
Eddie pokes him in the ribs. “You are obsessed with breakfast.”
“Well it is the most important meal of the day,” he jokes, relishing the small chuckle that he feels more than hears. “Trust me, after your first 24 hour shift, you'll be grateful. All you want is for someone to give you a breakfast burrito and to sleep for fifteen hours straight.”
“I don't believe in breakfast burritos," Eddie says.
Buck pushes Eddie away, gasping in shock. “What does that even mean?! Aren't you from El Paso?”
“Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise being Mexican and from El Paso meant I had to like breakfast burritos.” Eddie rolls his eyes. “They're not good. You need to try some real Mexican food, then you'll see the light.”
“Oh, no, you don't even know what you've started. I'm going to make you the perfect breakfast burrito.” Buck doesn't even like them that much either, but it's fun, playing with Eddie like this. If he didn’t know better, he’d almost call it flirting. Two friends on the playground, pulling each other’s figurative pigtails.
“That sounds like a threat.”
“It is. And if you don't like mine, then you're going way down my rankings. I don't know if we'll make it to the second date.” Their journals sit off to the side, just waiting for the producers to pick through them when everyone comes back.
Eddie leans his head against the back of the couch. He looks so soft, eyes blinking at him lazily. “Tragic. I'll cry myself to sleep tonight and think about the life we could have had together, if only I liked the worst tex-mex food.” His voice is dry with sarcasm.
After that, Eddie does close his eyes. Buck doesn't interrupt his nap, but he has never felt more awake. Had they just been flirting? Is this what friends do?
He was used to passing acquaintances, and he thought of his coworkers as his family, but he'd never really had… friends. Real friends. He liked Connor and his old roommates, but the only things they'd ever really done together were drinking and clubbing. His other travails had often led to him working in hyper-masculine places where he'd always felt he'd had to have his guard up.
With the 118, it was easy now. They'd earned that friendship through going through so much hardship together in such a short time. Chimney getting rebar through his skull, the plane crash, Abby leaving him. They were officially trauma-bonded.
With Eddie, it was just easy.
It isn’t until the other guys come back, a mixture of jubilant grins and celebratory whoops and the stoop of the freshly rejected, that Buck realises they hadn't said a single word about either of their dates.
***
Eddie cannot stop pacing. Whoever has the hotel room below him is probably cursing his name, but he is compelled to keep moving lest he succumb to the vortex of his own thoughts.
There are only two days left of the experiment, and he’s torn. He wants to propose to Ana. However, he also thinks that proposing to Ana is one of the worst things that he could do.
His relationship with marriage was complicated. Of course, he had been married before. A marriage that probably should not have been, forced into being by outside forces because he and Shannon had been young and stupid, and she couldn’t be both pregnant and unmarried. It had been a rushed wedding, driven largely by his parents.
At the time, it had felt like a punishment. Not because of his feelings for Shannon - he really thinks that he loved her. And, as much as he had not been a good husband, he does still want to be a husband.
Ana would be a good wife. She’s calm and patient, she has her own hopes and dreams. She’s smarter than him, and more successful. Most importantly, they’re able to communicate.
He runs his hands through his hair, wishing he had his journal, but the producers keep them overnight so he’s left only with his own thoughts.
Christopher would love her, he thinks. His family would love her. She is exactly the type of person his parents have always hoped he would end up with, and he thinks that he would fulfill similar expectations from her own family.
He definitely liked her. He just didn’t know if he could love her, and if it was fair to put Ana through the trials of being in a relationship with him.
Eventually, he stops pacing and holds his head in his hands. He wants to go outside. He wants to see the sun. He wants to start his new job and his new life and for everything to be perfect and easy. He wants Buck to make him breakfast every day, and to keep arguing about what makes a good breakfast food.
Desperately, he looks around, craving a distraction, but the hotel room is perfectly designed to be as bland as possible. The only thing to look at in the room is a piece of shitty art that's perfectly, boringly abstract.
The whole point of the experiment is to fall in love with someone without seeing them first, so it feels disingenuous of him to hope that maybe he just needs to see Ana for the pieces to click.
But, he can't just let the perfect woman go. He really likes her. He does. They could have a future together.
Now, he just has to plan a proposal.
***
Ana says yes.
Eddie proposes with a hastily written speech that is genuine, but far less than she deserves, and she says yes.
He walks back to the men's quarters in a daze.
He's not the first of the men to get engaged - Marie said yes to Derek after he wrote her a song, and Stephen and Juliet had had an emotional proposal the day before. Apparently, there had been a love triangle between her, Stephen and Brent. Eddie cannot think of two worse men to be choosing between, but they must be able to turn on the charm in the pods.
He'd convinced himself that Ana would say no. After building himself up to it all day and night, he'd thought back on their conversations and noticed a pattern of trepidation and doubt beneath their genuine connection. They'd both been hurt before, and they were clearly both too scared or desperate to not want to see any red flags.
Well. They were in it now. And again, he liked Ana. He wasn't sure where this niggling doubt was coming from. Doesn't know what's wrong with him, because if he doesn't have romantic feelings for Ana, then is he even capable of having those feelings at all?
“She said yes!” He tries to sound happy as he enters, but his skin feels cold even though he can feel himself sweating. Nobody seems to notice. Derek swoops him up in a hug, and a couple of the other guys cheer and make him pop open a bottle of champagne. The cork comes dangerously close to hitting him in the face - an apt ending to his time on this show.
It's only Buck who fixes him with a scrutinizing eye. “Are you okay?” He asks quietly. They have microphones on, they can’t get away with whispering in a corner, so Eddie just keeps on his pasted on smile and laughs.
“I'm over the moon,” he says, offering Buck a glass of champagne. “Now let's celebrate!”
It becomes easier to slip into the joy as he drinks. He probably has a little too much, his feelings of anxiety and unease fizzing away and dissipating like the bubbles in his glass.
Buck is sitting with him, as he's taken to doing the last few days. “I think I'm going to propose to Ali," he says. Slurs, really.
“Yes! Yes. Yes, you should totally do that,” Eddie says, holding onto Buck's shoulder. He likes how it feels beneath his hands, all solid and muscular and warm. He feels more real than anything else in this building. “You're a catch, Buck. She'd be lucky to have you.”
Eddie has noticed, as the days have gone by, that sometimes Buck is too bright to stare at directly. Instead, he has to force his vision to the edges: the curl of his hair and the way it turns from brown to blonde in the harsh lights of the studio; the breadth of his shoulders and how Eddie feels encompassed by him whenever he is nearby; the way he struggles against stillness, his hands always moving.
Now, as Buck is drunk and in love, Eddie lets himself watch. They’ve only been friends for days, but he already fears for the first days outside of this bubble where they won’t get to see each other all the time.
Everything feels lighter with Buck around.
***
Buck was good at grand gestures, and had always been better at doing rather than saying. It didn’t always work in his favour - taking Abby to a fancy restaurant for Valentine’s day and nearly getting killed by a piece of bread comes to mind - but he wants to do something special for his proposal. Go big or go home may as well be his philosophy for life.
He’d been brainstorming all night, but had drawn a blank. So, of course, he goes to Eddie for advice. It definitely isn’t helping the cogs in his brain that he is, for the second time in nine days, very hungover.
“How did you propose to Ana?” He asks, watching Eddie make a cup of coffee. He’s wearing a short-sleeved shirt without a jacket, and there’s something hypnotic about the way the line of fabric shifts with the movement of his muscles. He licks his lips, attributing his dry mouth to how much he’d had to drink last night.
Eddie leans back against the kitchen counter, handing Buck a cup of coffee. “I was just honest. My advice would be to keep it simple, let your feelings do the talking.”
Buck nods like it is the sagest advice he has ever been given. That day, in the hours before their date is scheduled, he moves from the dining table to the couch to the kitchen counter to the beanbags on the floor, back to the couch, until Eddie stops him.
“What’s going on with you?” he asks. “You’ve been staring at your journal like it’s in hieroglyphics.”
Buck looks at his own handwriting, and honestly, it’s not far off from being hieroglyphics. He’s not entirely sure how the producers managed to divine any truth from his notes. It had entertained him whenever he was bored in the pods, but now he regretted not taking it all more seriously.
“What if I’m about to make a huge mistake?” He asks. Eddie is standing behind him, so he looks up at him beseechingly. “How did you know that Ana was the one?”
Eddie rests his arms on the back of the couch, his head so close to Buck’s that they could touch foreheads together if they only moved a couple of inches. “I thought about what I would regret more. Asking, or never knowing if it would work out.”
Before Buck can answer, Eddie ruffles his hair, messing up his perfectly arranged curls. “You’ll figure it out, kid,” he says, walking off to talk to the other engaged guys in the kitchen.
“We’re the same age!” Buck yells back, hoping for just a second more of Eddie’s attention. He didn’t even look back.
What did Buck like about Ali? This was the question that had been haunting him all night. Well, what wasn’t there to like about Ali? She’s confident, but capable of vulnerability. She’s open to new opportunities, curious about the world. They have chemistry, and their conversations come easy. Most importantly, he thinks that he could be what she wants.
When he pictures Ali, he hasn’t pictured anyone specific. Just rich, brown eyes and long lashes. Warm, strong hands. Skin like honey and stubble-
Woah. That’s not- That’s not right.
When he walks into the pod and makes his proposal speech, the words flow out with more ease than he expected. Ali cries, then laughs at herself for crying. She gives him a better speech than the one he gave her, and he finds himself tearing up, too.
But he knows, deep down, that the main reason he proposed is because he wants to stay in the experiment. Not for fame, not to be on TV for longer, not for a free holiday.
He just wants to get to keep Eddie while he still can, before he loses him to marriage and the real world forever.
***
Eddie
I’ve made some strong connections here, connections that I’d never thought I’d make on a reality show. Do I feel nervous about seeing Ana for the first time? Of course. Not because I’m worried about how she’ll look - I don’t think anything could change how I feel about her, least of all her appearance. To be honest, even on the outside world, I’ve never been the type to fall in love at first sight. I’ve started to fall in love with Ana, though. With her laugh and her compassion and her values. I’m just excited to take the next step and hopefully start the rest of our lives together.
Ana
Eddie and I have been on a journey already, but I just feel so safe with him. Out of everyone here, he just has a sense of maturity and calm that makes me feel supported in a way I haven’t in my previous relationships. After everything that happened with my last boyfriend, he’s a breath of fresh air. I’m not nervous about meeting him at all. I already feel like I know him so well that I’ve forgotten we’ve never actually met face-to-face.
Buck
I’m engaged. I proposed to someone today. That’s crazy. Honestly, I thought I would come into this experiment, meet some cool women and enjoy my week off work, but I’ve really found something here. Ali is just awesome.
Ali
Buck feels too good to be true, sometimes. I can’t always tell if he’s being honest, or if he’s just saying what he thinks I want to hear. But, I really like him. I’m just annoyed he proposed first - I worked really hard on my speech. Did he cry?
***
They’re all separated for their first meetings, and Eddie hates it. He misses the camaraderie of the other guys. He doesn’t just want them there for him, he wants to be there for them all as well.
Instead, he gets dressed alone and he waits and waits and waits and then all of a sudden, the moment is here.
He takes a deep breath, inspecting himself in the mirror. Does he look as scared as he feels? Somehow, his reflection looks steady. He wishes that he could feel the confidence that he’s able to project, but the whole time from the doors opening to their first meeting, he feels like a stranger is puppeting his body.
Ana is beautiful, there is no question about that. Her skin is a warm brown and her hair tumbles in artful curls over one shoulder. She’s wearing a dark red dress that hugs her body in all the right places, and his heart should be pounding with something other than nerves.
He gasps when he sees her, he knows he does, he feels the air leave his lips and he feels the floor hard beneath his feet as he takes step after step. He feels how soft her skin is and how she fits perfectly within his arms. He feels the soft press of her lips against his, feels himself say that she’s beautiful.
The issue isn’t with the things that he can feel. It’s with what he doesn’t feel.
Eddie had always longed, growing up, for romance. He’d had to grow up fast, but he liked looking after people and had always longed for the role of husband and father. What he lacked, he wanted to be..
He had been confused, though, when his tías and cousins would talk about chemistry, or having a spark. Sure, girls were nice, but he’d never felt that electricity when looking at them that he friends always talked about. Even with Shannon, their relationship had been a slow burn. He’d seen her at the lake, and it hadn’t been how she looked, but the way she laughed. He thought that she would be kind.
They had a child together, and he still wasn’t sure that he’d felt the spark.
He smiles at Ana, but he knows that it is watery and weak. All he can do is pray that everyone thinks that he is overwhelmed with joy, and not with a crushing sense of failure.
“I can’t believe you’re real,” Ana says, holding his face between her hands. She tilts his head one way, then the other, inspecting him from every angle. It’s surreal, hearing her voice coming from this stranger and having to connect the disparate parts.
“Me either,” he says, voice shaking. “You’re just so beautiful. Inside and out.”
Nothing he says is a lie, but it doesn’t stop him from feeling like a fraud.
***
When Buck meets Ali, he has to swallow down the brief swell of disappointment. Disappointment at what? He thinks. Disappointment with the fact that she isn’t Eddie? He pinches his leg and winces at the pain that he needs to ground him.
He is doing something cruel, he thinks, as he runs toward her and sweeps her into his arms. She fits like he had always imagined the love of his life fitting. All he has to do is focus on that feeling. Put Eddie back in the closet - literally, figuratively, whatever he has to do to allow himself to be in this moment. With his fiancé.
“You have the most beautiful eyes,” he says, staring into their depths. A rich, warm, brown.
When they kiss, Ali’s leg pops, just like they’d joked about in the pods. Buck had never admitted it to anyone else, but he’s a huge fan of rom coms. They remind him of cosy evenings, cuddled up with Maddie while he recuperated from whatever stupid injury he’d gained. He would always complain, but secretly, he loved watching people fall in love. It was all he wanted in life.
Her fingers trace his birthmark, leaving warm lines across his skin. “You’re adorable,” she whispers, kissing him again. “I’m so lucky that you’re mine.”
“I’m luckier,” he says.
He is going to reality TV hell.