Chapter Text
Eight years ago, Gi-hun lost everything.
Sae-byeok, Sang-woo, his mom, Ga-yeong, Jung-bae…
One by one, they all slipped away from him. Not just because of the games either. The longer he sits in his own self hatred and pity, the more he understands it was his fault.
No matter how much Gi-hun fought and pleaded and tore and scratched and begged, nothing ever changed. Everyone in his life is gone because of him. Most of them died because of his own selfishness, his refusal to listen.
Maybe if Gi-hun was smarter, had strategized better, those people would still be alive even today. They would go to bars and drink their days away, letting the world pass them by as life tried to tear them down. But at least with them, the horrible detriments of life would fade away. Or maybe they would be a muffled sound, persistent and clearly there, but much easier to ignore. That’s how it had felt when he went out with Jung-bae, after all. It was like no matter what life threw at him, as long as his best friend was by his side, he could survive.
Of course, he doesn’t have Jung-bae anymore.
He doesn’t have anyone.
Not anyone he can trust, anyways.
Gi-hun is never not plagued by the horrors of his past. Every night, he sees them.
Sometimes, he has softer dreams. Ones that are pure fantasies of what could have been. Maybe he’s having dinner with Sang-woo and Sae-byeok, laughing as if they had all been friends for years. He would see her smile in a way that Gi-hun’s not sure he’s ever actually seen before. She would hug him and talk in such a distressingly different way, like she was wearing her heart on her sleeve. Sang-woo would be much the same. He would thank him and joke with Sae-byeok like he wasn’t the one who sliced her neck open.
Some nights he sees Ga-yeong playing with Cheol, faces so bright with pure joy. He grimaces as he watches them play ddakji, but they look so happy that he can’t bare but to take that away from them. They still look like they’re ten, every time he dreams of them. Those dreams came with the horrifying realization that he doesn’t know what his daughter looks like anymore.
Sometimes, he’s laying his head on ‘Young-il’s’ shoulder, staring at an open lake, feeling content and comfortable in a way he hasn’t in over a decade.
But they’re not always lovely little lies that appear in his sleep. He doesn’t remember his night terrors nearly as much, but he always remembers the fear, the mourning, the blood he can feel in between his fingers as he jerks back into consciousness. He remembers his loved ones, the players all standing around him, begging him to save them. To take responsibility.
He’s haunted by the things he has caused and what he has allowed to happen.
Gi-hun’s a horrible man. He should continue to try and stop the games, to contact Jun-ho and continue they’re five year old endeavor. He left everything behind for this, after all. What good were the lives sacrificed and the daughter he abandoned if not to complete his mission?
But Gi-hun is tired.
He’s so very tired. It’s much easier to collapse against In-ho, to melt against him as the weight of the world crashes down on them.
‘It’s only one week out of the year’, he rationalizes to himself. It happens like clockwork. Once a year, he justifies the horrific actions that must take place. ‘Only one month out of the year to set up preparations’. Year after year, he tries to convince himself that its fine. That In-ho is right. It’s easier to lie to himself.
At the very least, his only comfort is that two things have stayed very consistent over the past eight years.
One: In-ho has him. In-ho loves him. If there’s anyone he’s safe with, it’s In-ho.
And two;
Ga-yeong is far, far away from Korea.
△ 〇 ☐
The cafeteria is overwhelmingly loud. Really, Ga-yeong isn’t sure what she expected, but it wasn’t this. Her friends back in America said it was normal to eat by yourself in college, that no one will even spare her a glance when she goes to the dining halls. She trusted them, especially the ones who had graduated only a year prior to her.
Clearly none of them knew what they were talking about!
Ga-yeong sighs as she slowly makes her way past all the filled tables with her to-go bag. Everyone’s joking with their new found friendships, all seemingly so close despite them only having been in classes for two weeks.
She doesn’t fully remember the last time she felt so out of place, but what she does remember is how horrible it felt. And oh, is it so similar to how things feel now.
Moving to America was objectively difficult for her, even her parents noticed. She had to say goodbye to her friends, her home, her father and poor grandmother. When they first arrived, she didn’t even realize she would feel so out of place surrounded by her American classmates. That is until she was sitting in the classroom, her peers speaking a language she couldn’t properly understand. It took a while for her to make friends when she was still learning.
She made it work, but it took a while.
Now, standing in the middle of Seoul National University, she thought things would start to feel normal again. But she was wrong.
She somehow feels more out of place than ever.
A familiar ache in Ga-yeongs chest makes her speed up her movements. She slams open the cafeteria doors with little to no disregard to anyone it could have slammed into. She doesn’t hear anyone complain about getting hit with a large door, so she decides she’s in the clear and continues to stomp off.
Ga-yeong plops herself down on a bench, waiting for the on-campus bus to arrive. She can’t believe she convinced herself to go to the Jahayon cafeteria when it’s so disgustingly far away from the residence halls. In her defense, she still can’t wrap her head around just how huge the campus is. Some of the colleges she toured in America aren’t even half the size of SNU! How was she supposed to know she signed up to be a cross country star? Who looks at college campus maps before they arrive on campus!?
With nothing else to do while she waits for the shuttle, Ga-yeong pulls out her phone and begins looking through her notifications. She has an annoying amount of texts from her parents, of course. They were incredibly worried about letting her move back to Korea all on her own, especially with all the baggage her biological father had left for her here. But really, she just thinks they’re being way too overprotective. Sure, they’re all the way in America, but she’s not her little sisters! She actually grew up in Korea!
That’s part of the reason she came back. That, and her father. She wants to speak to him again.
A new notification popping up distracts Ga-yeong from her spiraling thoughts. Something in her lightens as her high school friends begin to message in their group chat. It’s only 6:00 for most of them, meanwhile at SNU, the suns already set. She feels a smug sort of satisfaction watching her friends begin to wake up for their 7 A.M. classes while she gets to go to bed in a few hours.
While everyone has spread out to their own college experiences across America, or in Ga-yeong’s case, the world, they have done their best to keep in contact during such a huge change period.
She scrolls through the texts with her friends and smiles. She should definitely call them soon. Maybe that will stop her from feeling so lonely.
“Ga-yeong??” A familiar, feminine voice calls out.
Ga-yeong looks up from her phone, taking a moment to recognize the fact she’s being called out at all. Only her family really calls her by that name. Back in America, everyone calls her ‘Eve’. It was so much easier than having to teach every new person she met how to pronounce her name. She’s had to get used to strangers calling her by her actual name again.“Oh, Ji-yu,” She offers the girl a polite smile.
Ji-yu lets out an exaggerated sigh of relief as she moves to sit herself right next to Ga-yeong, far too close for comfort. “Oh thank goodness it’s you! I was worried I was going to be alone for the rest of the day. Why did you wander off?”
Ga-yeong suppresses a grimace as she attempts to subtly inch away from her roommate. Unfortunately, she was sitting at the very edge of the bench. “Uh.. sorry, Ji-yu. I thought you were hanging out with your friends?” It’s not like Ji-yu didn’t have her entirely too large friend group even though the semester just started. She barely sees the other girl in their shared room. When she does, its either just to sleep, or to hang out with some random boy she picked up.
Ji-yu sheepishly shrugs. “Yeah, well, you know how it is,” The brunette dismisses and brushes past the topic quickly. “Hey, you’re heading back to the dorms, right?” She asks. Ga-yeong slowly nods, making Ji-yu grin wider.
“Great! Can you drop off my bag then?”
Ga-yeong opens her mouth to speak, but Ji-yu just tosses her bookbag onto her lap and hops off the bench with all the energy in the world. “Thanks girl, your the best roommate in the world!!” The taller girl grins before running off into the cafeteria.
For a good while, Ga-yeong just sits there as she processes that interaction. Only once the shuttle bus finally arrives does Ga-yeong sigh in annoyance.
She brings Ji-yu’s bag back anyways.
-
The shuttle was much quicker than walking, and before she knew it, Ga-yeong was dropping both of the bags and collapsing on her uncomfortable mattress. She grumbles in annoyance as she curls up in her blankets and lays face first on her pillows. “You’d think the top school in Korea would splurge a little bit on mattresses…” She whines.
Ga-yeong supposes complaining is a tad bit selfish. Back in America, her dad is making far more money than they did in Korea, allowing them to splurge on the most comfortable mattress or the better quality sheets. It’s not like everyone had the luxury she did. Even though she hated it as a kid, moving to America was the best decision her family had ever made.
But then Ga-yeong thinks back to her biological father- the one her mom divorced and they left behind- and she can’t help but feel guilty. Guilty and angry and worried, all at the same time, because they had money to spare, but he didn’t. Grandma died in her sleep, or so she was told, and Grandma was all her father had. Her father was in millions of won in debt, while she was living a comfortable life in a whole other country.
She understands now why her Father rarely called for a year or two after they moved.
What she doesn’t understand is why he hasn’t called them in seven whole years. Back then, angry wasn’t even how she would describe how she felt. She was furious that her father let her get her hopes up again. A part of her doubted he even bought a plane ticket, let alone even truly considered visiting her.
But the older she gets, the more she understands. Her father was always drowning in debt- the last number her mom knew was over 300 million won- so how could she really expect him to visit? He was probably consistently working after Grandma died to keep himself alive, and even as a kid, Ga-yeong understood he got into a lot of fights because of his debts.
Ga-yeong sighs and rolls onto her side. She sluggishly gets her phone from her pocket and goes to her camera roll.
Even with all the anger she felt, she still loved and missed her father.
She stares at the photos for a long time, her heart aching from the sight. She loves her mom and dad, she loved America, but Gi-hun was also her dad, and no matter what her parents say, she’ll always miss him.
Maybe that’s partially why they were worried about her studying in Korea. They knew what she was going to do.
Ga-yeong stops as her phone suddenly announces an incoming video-call from one of her friends. She smiles again and answers. “Isabella!” She grins upon seeing her blond-haired friend.
Like usual, her friend doesn’t even pause for pleasantries. “Oh my god, you will not believe what just happened in class-” Ga-yeong listens contently, grinning as her friend begins to rant about some strange confrontation with her professor and her peers. She’s glad she’s known Isabella for so long, she’s not sure she would be able to keep up with her fast English otherwise.
Out of all her friends, Isabella has been the one to keep in contact with her the most. She never realized how close she was with her until then.
“That’s crazy,” Ga-yeong eventually comments in English. “That’s what you get for going to a public university.”
“Technically, Delhi is not a university. It’s a college.” Isabella shrugs, leaning back against her desk chair. “But either way, not everyone is smart enough to go to a fancy university like you.”
Ga-yeong pouts. “I don’t know, Isabella, SNU isn’t all that great either. The upperclassmen complain that they get so much work, they never have time to themself. And god, the campus is horrible!! There's probably over a thousand buildings!!” She groans. Just the thought of trying to get to her classes next week sound horrific. “Delhi doesn’t even compare to how big SNU is.”
Isabella purses her lips in disagreement, but she decides to drop the subject. She sits back up, leaving her phone propped up by something. “Speaking of, have you started the hunt yet?”
Ga-yeong blinks. “The hunt?”
“The hunt for your dad!” Isabella lets out a huff of frustration as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Come on, wasn’t that half the reason you went to Seoul?” She half processes
Ga-yeong’s expression drops. She begins to run her fingers through her hair with her freehand. “I… haven’t started yet. I don’t know what I’ll say to him when I see him again.” She sighs, looking away from her phone. “I have his address. I can go visit him whenever.”
“Then do it.” Isabella says, as blunt as ever.
Ga-yeong stays quiet, still looking away from the phone screen. When it becomes clear she wont respond, Isabella sighs. “Eve-” Ah, she hasn’t heard her ‘western name’ in a while. “Look, I get it. Contacting a deadbeat parent is hard, but that’s not something anyone is able to properly prepare for. You won’t ever be ‘ready’, but you can do it. When my ‘mom’ visited me, it was all awkward and weird, but if you know you need to do it, do it soon. Or else this is going to weigh on your mind for forever when you have more important shit to deal with.”
Ga-yeong frowns more. Isabella is probably right. She’s been thinking about her father since she arrived in South Korea. She’s supposed to be getting ahead of her assignments, paying attention in class, and for the most part, she has. But sometimes, her mind begins to slip, her thoughts run endlessly, and she finds herself missing her silly, kind father. All of her confusion and questions that have grown over the years grow more and more rampant until they overtake every thought in her head.
And that’s how she’s ended up forgetting a quiz was earlier this week. Already. Second week in.
Ga-yeong lets her phone fall on the bed as she moves to cover her face and groan. “Do I have to?” She whines.
She feels lighter when Isabella begins to laugh on the other end. “You’ve been wanting this for years! Yes, you have to. If you don’t, I’ll go over to SNU and hunt both of you down myself!”
Ga-yeong laughs and moves to lift up her phone again. “Alright, alright, fine.” She smiles at Isabella. “I don’t have class on the weekends, so… maybe tomorrow I’ll go seek my father out. Or the day after.”
She looks back at the screen to see Isabella halfway through her makeup routine. Probably a good idea to start now, seeing as it can take more than an hour for Isabella to do her makeup. It never seems like wasted time. “Do it tomorrow so you don’t put it off. Tomorrow morning, catch him early on in the day.”
Ga-yeong nods, albeit reluctantly. “Yeah, alright, I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Isabella picks up her phone with a content smile on her face. “Alright girl, I’m so proud of you! Call me if anything happens. I don’t care if its 3 A.M. over here, I’ll beat a deadbeat dads ass!”
Just the thought of Isabella waking up in the middle of the night just to fight her dad makes Ga-yeong giggle. “Sure sure, I’ll update you when its a more reasonable hour over there.”
Isabella nods. “You better! I’ll call you when I’m up. Go to sleep now, its like, midnight where you are.”
“It’s only eight??”
“Close enough! Go to bed, Eve!”
Ga-yeong giggles. “Goodnight, Izzy.”
They hang up after that, leaving Ga-yeong in a much better mood than she was in before. It’s nerve wrecking, knowing that she’s going to seek out her father tomorrow, but there’s a smaller part of her that is excited. Maybe her father really does have a good excuse. Maybe he tried to make it work but failed to. Maybe things are better than she hoped.
△ 〇 ☐
Ga-yeong gets breakfast at one of the cafeteria’s before she immediately hops onto the closest bus shuttle. She ate her food on the long, boring bus ride without really processing the flavors. Usually she’d be ecstatic to have authentic Korean food again, but right now, she could barely swallow it down.
Throughout the entire two hour ride to Ssangmun-dong, Ga-yeong finds herself growing more and more restless. Just like in class, her thoughts run wild with pure worry. She finds her leg bounces up and down in place to no end, just in an attempt to studly get the antsy energy ruminating out.
What if her father doesn’t want her?
Sure, Ga-yeong still has her mom and step-dad, but it’s different. This means something different. Reconnecting with her father was something she’s wanted for years. She knows her mom and dad love her, but she can’t say the same about Gi-hun. This could ruin her.
Ga-yeong’s heartrate spikes as the shuttle arrives at her stop. She slowly stands, watching as a few older people begin to shuffle out their seats and off the bus. She follows behind them, each step she makes slow and cautious, as if her father will jump out one of the seats and shoot her without a moment of hesitation.
When she steps off the bus, she finds her legs are as weak as cooked pasta and her hands are trembling so violently she can barely hold her phone. Maybe Isabella was wrong. Maybe Ga-yeong isn’t able to do this. Maybe Gi-hun will slam the door on her face, not wanting anything to do with her. Maybe the truth won’t be worth it.
Ga-yeong isn’t sure what she’d do in that situation.
But she walks on anyways. Following her phone’s map app, she slowly makes her way through her fathers neighborhood.
It’s not the best neighborhood, not by a longshot. it’s very clear most of the people that live here are like her father. Poor, probably in poverty, and potentially in debt. She doesn’t remember his town looking this bad, though she supposes she shouldn’t be surprised. She was a little girl who glamorized everything relating to her father, including his collapsing home. None of that would have mattered if her father just kept her close.
She can’t stop her mind from racing in the silence.
Then, eventually, she arrives at her fathers front doorstep.
Ga-yeong allows herself a moment to breathe, reading through the reassuring words her friends had sent her while she slept. She tries to reread them, but the words begin to blur as the familiar burn of forming tears appears in her eyes. How the hell is she already panicking!?
She squeezes her eyes shut, focusing on her breathing, the sound of the wind, the sound of birds and children playing. She forcibly pulls herself together as she chokes back a sob. Her heart is still pounding so loud she’s sure the whole neighborhood can hear, she can already feel her pathetic tears falling, but she makes a fist and knocks on the door a bit too violently, just to get it over with.
Ga-yeong holds her breath as she waits. For a while, the only sound is the thrumming beat of her heart.
Then, she hearts the quietest of noises on the others side of the door. Shuffling, movement, something. For a moment, Ga-yeong curses her dad for taking so damn long.
Finally, finallyfinally- her pounding heart freezes when the door is swung open and-
Ga-yeong freezes.
The person standing in front of her is a man far older than Gi-hun would be. His skin is saggy and his hair is balding and pure white.
Her father doesn’t live here anymore.
Ga-yeong leaves Ssangmun-dong with far more questions than answers.