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It must have been a glorious fight if he couldn't remember a thing about it. Rage instinctively lit up in his veins every time he tried to recall it, the feeling of a deep hate and a desperate, content last resort spreading in his chest without a reason why. It spoke of a worthy opponent, one Hua Cheng must have spent some energy on. Nonetheless, it spoke of a defeated opponent and a ghost with eigh hundred years on his back could barely mourn losing the memories of a few days. He would remember with time when his spiritual powers were fully replenished.
He had a confirmation to his theory about having gone missing for a few days when he stepped inside Paradise Manor and was met with a vase crashing and Yin Yu staring at him in pure shock. "C-Chengzhu?" He stuttered, his eyes wide and inexplicably searching behind him as if to check something at the ghost's back. Hua Cheng turned his head but nothing was following him. Yin Yu, who seemed to have come to the same conclusion, looked strangely surprised by it. "Chenzhu...you're back?" He asked hesitantly.
"I am," Hua Cheng replied flatly. "I guess I've been away long enough so back to work now."
Yin Yu's eyes got even rounder but he mumbled a perplexed agreement.
"Oh and Yin Yu," he added already turning to walk to the study. "Take a stroll out of here every once in a while, your qi is almost as ghostly as mine, one would think you're dead."
Yin Yu sputtered while Hua Cheng was already halfway through the hall. "C-chengzhu! You- I!" "I'll give you some time off so you can go out," he waved dismissively. "Not now though, we have things to get back to." He walked out of the hall without sparing another glance to the astonished assistant he left behind.
The time in the study passed slowly. Yin Yu hadn't left any new lead on Xie Lian's whereabouts and Hua Cheng felt more drained than ever. His powers, albeit mighty, were still recovering and the dreadful research for his god didn't get any easier with time. It was always as agonizing and desperate as the first day.
He kept pouring over the impressive stacks of scrolls long enough for the light filtering through the windows to turn dimmer and he didn't raise his head from the documents until the hallways started echoing with frantic, definitely unusual sounds. "San Lang!" Someone screamed somewhere in the maze of halls of the Manor. Hua Cheng's hand flew to E'ming's hilt. "San Lang!" The call was almost despairing and it was repeated on and on again, the same urgency resounding closer every time. Something heavy fell in the corridors more than once but the cries never stopped.
Finally they reached the door to Hua Cheng's study. The ghost wrapped his fingers tightly around the hilt, he was still seated but was ready nonetheless. He was proved wrong the moment the door flung open.
A man in white cultivator robes stood on the threshold, hands shaking and eyes wild, his expression somehow both elated and desperate. Tears streaked his god's cheeks and the warm gaze he turned on the ghost made his mind go numb as his hand fell from the saber.
Xie Lian lunged at him without hesitation and with few steps he was throwing himself at him with full force. He hugged Hua Cheng even more fiercely as the chair tilted back and took them both falling to the floor behind the desk.
"San Lang," he called with more tears running down his ethereal eyes. Trembling fingers started tracing Hua Cheng's face, caressing and holding him, moving strands of hair away from his cheeks and studying his features as if they were incomparable art. "You're back! You're here. You're back. I can't believe it's true." Xie Lian leaned closer and pressed a soft kiss on his chin, hands still cradling him like a precious artifact. "You're back," delicate lips brushed shyly under his left eye. "San Lang," another kiss grazed right under his eyepatch.
A cold shiver ran down Hua Cheng's body like melting ice. His hands were clammy, braced at his sides not to touch the body pressing down on his in a frenzied hug, his limbs were weak and rigid at the same time and his eye could just stare, wide and astonished, as his god kissed and touched him like an abandoned lover. He was deathly still as strong hands caressed and held him, as Xie Lian planted kisses all over his face, his hairline, the crown of his head, all the while alternating incredulous, wet laughs to murmurs of "San Lang" and "I missed you".
When the showering of affection died down the god wound his arms firmly around him and kept him pressed to himself, bodies flush as he held him so tightly it was almost painful. "San Lang," he whispered almost inaudibly next to his ear. "Why...why didn't you come to me? Did you not want to see me? Have I misunderstood you after all or...did something change?" The hesitation and hurt in his voice were enough to push Hua Cheng to finally speak.
Still tremulous he squirmed slightly in Xie Lian's grip, finding it letting go inmediately. He distanced himself enough that he could properly look at the other man. It was undoubtedly him, beautiful and divine although his face was blotchy and wet, his eyes reddened and his gaze worried. His hair was a little messy, as if it hadn't been properly combed for a couple of days, and some strands were stuck to his cheeks, dampened by tears.
"Your Highness?" Hua Cheng asked hesitantly trying to keep his voice steady. "Of course I wanted to meet you. Why..." He wetted his dry lips forcing the words out. "Why did you want to see me?"
Xie Lian stared at him with wide eyes for a moment before bursting out laughing. With a yelp Hua Cheng was pulled into another hug. "San Lang! How can you doubt that!? Of course I wanted to see you. Don't you know I've been waiting for you all this time?" He leaned back to give the ghost another tearful smile.
In an even more feeble voice Hua Cheng asked him, "Do you know who I am?" At last Xie Lian's cheerfulness morphed into something doubtful, a sharp crease forming between his brows as confusion took over his features. "San Lang? What do you mean?" He frowned more. "Of course I know who you are."
"You do?" Hua Cheng briefly wondered if he was rapidly descending into madness.
"O-of course... San Lang do you remember me?"
The few words felt heavier than a punch in his stomach. "Of course I know Your Highness!" He rebuked shamefully loud.
Xie Lian snickered in response. "Yeah I know you know me," he chuckled petting his hair like one would with a sulking child. Hua Cheng willfully repressed the shiver it caused in him. He made to speak again but was interrupted by another voice coming from the open door alongside a dejected knock.
"Your Highness?"
"Oh!" Xie Lian shuffled to his feet clumsily, righting himself up with a blazing red face. Hua Cheng stared at him dazedly from the floor.
"Yin Yu, it's nice to see you again. I'm sorry I didn't visit..." the prince's voice was steady despite his flushed cheeks.
"Your Highness doesn't have to worry. I know these past months have been...difficult. Is he all right?" Yin Yu's voice held a tinge of concern that wasn't usual on him. At his words Xie Lian turned to Hua Cheng again, offering a careful smile and an outstretched hand. The ghost grabbed it without thinking and stood up beside him.
"I don't know." Xie Lian didn't let go of his hand. "San Lang do you remember meeting me on Mount Yujun?"
Hua Cheng most definitely didn't. Two equally shocked gasps resounded before he could reply.
"You don't?" Xie Lian asked with a painful light in his gaze.
Yin Yu's tone on the other hand seemed surprised and almost irritated at the same time. "You don't remember finding him again?"
Hua Cheng's eye went wide, darting to the prince's face in horror. As panic about his deepest secret being revealed to his only god flooded his mind Yin Yu's voice cut through the terror. "No, I can't deal with this." He sounded tired. "Your Highness I'm leaving this in your hands."
To Hua Cheng's unending surprise Xie Lian snickered by his side. "It's all right."
When Yin Yu made to turn around and leave, Xie Lian spoke suddenly, his voice taking a worried edge. "It's just momentary, right? Just his energy rebalancing after..."
The expression on his assistant's face was soft when he looked back. "Of course, Your Highness. I'm sure of it."
Xie Lian let out a sigh as his shoulders sagged. "Good, good. That's good. Thank you, Yin Yu."
Yin Yu looked at them for a moment longer, then he gave a short bow and left without adding another word.
"Your Highness," Hua Cheng started urgently. "I can explain, what he mentioned..."
"San Lang." The prince's ambered eyes looked at him tenderly. "It's all right, I already know." A cruel weight fell in the pit of Hua Cheng's stomach. "Come here, we have to talk," Xie Lian added with a reassuring smile as he led him back to the study closing the door behind them.
Hua Cheng was guided by hand to the elegant divan in the far corner of the room where Xie Lian gestured for him to sit and took a seat right beside him.
"San Lang…" he started then paused and sighed. "Hua Cheng, I think that you don't remember the last few months," he said with an apologetic smile. Hua Cheng's mind faltered.
"Ah, you see we met a few months ago, on Mount Yujun and then on an ox cart...you stayed with me in a little shrine and, well, many things happened actually. Do you remember any of this?"
The ghost had rarely felt such dejection in his long existence. To have forgotten precious months shared with his beloved god, the thought alone was unbearable. "I'm sorry, Your Highness, this lowly one doesn't remember doing any of those things. I know I'm coming back from a fight, I can feel it, but even that I can't remember at all. This one apologizes for inconveniencing Your Highness."
"What?" Xie Lian's gaze turned somber at his words. "You...ah San...Hua Cheng, you really shouldn't apologize to me. You-" Whatever he was about to say seemed to weigh heavily on him, he struggled for words a couple of times until he managed to murmur in a weak tone. "You're not coming back from a regular fight, you defeated Jun Wu...Bai Wuxiang, they were the same person and we defeated him. You broke my cursed shackles so that I could fight him and then..." His voice was wrecked by a sob and Hua Cheng’s eye shot to him full of worry. "I'm sorry," the prince mumbled hurrying to swat away the tears already falling from his eyes. "Ah...I'm sorry, t-then you dispersed because you had given all of your power to me," he concluded with a trembling smile that fell as soon as he strained to show it.
Hua Cheng's dead heart stumbled in his chest. His god's eyes were filled with tears for him, he had remembered him after his dispersion, he had cared for him, he had missed him even. He tentatively raised one hand, following the wet trails on the prince's face with his eye.
Bandits of the past had shown no audacity, thieves had displayed no greed compared to him. Godless soldiers were less blasphemous than him when he reached out for Xie Lian's cheeks and softly brushed away his tears. The god startled under his touch. "Your Highness, I don't remember any of it but I would do it again this instant," he swore.
Suddenly a pair of warm arms wrapped around him and Xie Lian buried his face in the ghost's neck, sobbing and mumbling indistinguishable sounds. Struck speechless once again Hua Cheng hesitantly let one hand trail, almost imperceptibly soft, up and down Xie Lian's back.
It was a long moment before the prince's sobs turned to sniffles and he slowly released his embrace, eyeing him with an almost apologetic smile.
"Anyway," he said with his voice still rough. "It's been a year since then. When Yin Yu told me you were here I," he laughed nervously. "I thought maybe you didn't want to see me anymore. Ah ah ah...m-maybe you changed your mind." He looked anxious, unsure, Hua Cheng wished he knew what he was talking about. "Have you changed your mind about me or do you, erm, feel the same as you have for these last centuries?" He asked in the end with an odd smile.
Even if Xie Lian surely didn't know what he was asking, even if he obviously wanted reassurance about Hua Cheng's devotion and worship, the ghost replied sincerely to his question, to the intentional meaning of it and not. "My devotion for you will never waver, Your Highness. Nothing will. What I think and feel about you couldn't change if the sun rose in the west and the rivers ran from the sea to the mountains," he stated simply.
The look he received in reply was one of pure, unbridled joy, one he would have contemplated for eternity if it wasn't cut off by the last thing Hua Cheng could expect. In an instant Xie Lian's arms were back around him, snaking around his neck and cradling the back of his head as soft lips pressed on his almost forcefully. Hua Cheng froze.
Xie Lian kissed him clumsily and passionately at the same time. His eyes were firmly shut and his lips moulded against Hua Cheng's as one hand tangled in his hair and the other drifted along his shoulder to settle on his arm. It lasted nothing more than a moment and the ghost was still rigidly unmoving in the god's embrace when Xie Lian opened his eyes and slowly detached himself with a low, "Oh."
"I'm sorry!" He blurted out. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, I shouldn't have, I thought...ah, I thought you meant. Ah...ah ah ah, this is just, we used to do this. We kind of...we were - I mean, we were… something? We did it for spiritual powers but then when I saw the statues and the murals we..."
"You saw the statues?!" Panic was quick to replace every fiber in Hua Cheng's body. At his words understanding flickered in Xie Lian's gaze and suddendly his frantic expression turned tender.
"I saw the statues and the murals in Tong'lu, yes. I really liked them." He hesitated before adding, "Hong'er."
Hua Cheng scrambled to his feet at the same time as Xie Lian's expression turned from confused to affectionate. The god got up calmly and stood with him. “I know everything, that you’re little Hong’er, that you’re the young soldier from the Xianle war, the ghost fire and the wrath that burned that temple. And that you’re my Wuming.” Xie Lian reached out a hand again and cupped his cheek gently.
“Your Highness,” the ghost whispered. “So you know…”
“About your beloved?” Xie Lian nodded as Hua Cheng’s legs only grew weaker. “Yes I know. And I, ah…have a beloved too.”
A flare of jealousy burned the ghost’s lungs before he could rule it in. He didn’t say a word but the prince’s lips twitched. “He’s a very brave special someone who has given me the help I most needed[1]. He makes me really happy even if somethimes his memory isn’t the best…”
Hua Cheng was breathing again, quickly, sharply and uselessly. “Your Highness,” he pleaded.
“Have I misunderstood you?” Xie Lian asked again.
“No.”
The prince moved slower than before. He carded one hand through Hua Cheng’s hair with calm movements before placing it at his nape, fingers gently entangled in his locks. He looked up at him with round eyes, hopeful and moved though still a little unsure as he let them fall closed and then leaned towards him. Hua Cheng let out a shaky breath and leaned in too.
Their lips met in a soft kiss, a gentle press that took a long time to change into a tentative slide, Xie Lian’s mouth opening just enough to let them mould into one another, gliding the slightest bit to allow thm to savor each other. When Hua Cheng raised his arms to hold Xie Lian back, one hand splayed between his shoulderblades as the other cradled the back of his head, the god’s body melted into the hug, letting out a contented sigh.
“San Lang,” he murmured parting their lips barely enough for him to speak. Then, lowering his head to rest his forehead on Hua Cheng’s he chuckled, “I’m sorry. I’m just too used to calling you that.”
“I like it when you do,” the ghost confessed immediately.
Xie Lian huffed. “Then San Lang should call me gege again.”
Testing his luck Hua Cheng left a fleeting peck on Xie Lian’s cheek. “Gege should have said so sooner.”
The arms still holding him tightened around his body, pressing him closer to the god. “Shameless,” Xie Lian chided softly.
When they finally disentangled from each other Xie Lian suggested they moved to Hua Cheng’s private chambers, which he insisted he’d already seen once. Hua Cheng’s mind reeled for the possible implications before a fully flushed Xie Lian stutteringly confessed that nothing of the sort had happenened between them. Thoug he ended his sentence with an almost inaudible yet that made Hua Cheng’s thoughts unable to stray from sacrilegious images for some long moments.
It took them almost a whole night for Xie Lian to recount everything that had happened since the moment they had met again more than a year before. The prince lounged on his very bed, talking about his own lonely centuries of roaming and remembering with clarity every day they had spent together in the months before his dispersion, recalling their moments together as if they had been repeated over and over again in his head and memorized to the lastd detail. He treated him like they were the closest of friends, smacking his shoulder when he said something improper, laughing at his jokes like he hadn’t laughed in months, barely allowing Hua Cheng to move a hair’s breadth away. The god seemed to find it almost unbearable to not have at least a portion of their bodies touching, always grasping his hand firmly or keeping their sides flush or even leaning his head on the ghost’s shoulder when he finally succumbed to sleep. It was the best night of Hua Cheng’s existence.
Blissfully cuddled by his god like a giant pillow he let himself fall asleep, safely held in Xie Lian's arms like the first time he'd met him.
The following day Hua Cheng woke up to a steady flow of spiritual power pouring into him and a vivid sequence of memories flashing in his mind. A warm hand was placed on the side of his neck and the images streamed freely behind his closed lids.
They were all Xie Lian. Xie Lian looked lovingly at a silver butterfly and there was a stinging pressure in Hua Cheng's eye. Xie Lian took his hand and stepped out of a palanquin dressed like a bride. Xie Lian sat in the back of an ox cart reading scrolls. Xie Lian left Paradise Manore bleeding and injured. Hua Cheng kissed him between the crashing billows of a lake. Hua Cheng was pressed against his shaking body as a wretched coffin tossed them through waves and bone vices. They walked to mount Tong'lu together, they were buried inside the muddy heart of a mountain together, they fought together. Xie Lian cried, more desperate than any time he'd seen him cry before, his voice bore every measure of pain and betrayal as he pleaded, "You said you would never leave me!"
Delicate fingers brushed the side of his eye, taking a stray tear away with them. "It's all right, San Lang. Everything is all right now."
Hua Cheng opened his eye to see Xie Lian's face hovering over his, brown eyes studying him as one hand was still buried against his neck and the other caressed him gently, moving a few strands of hair away from his forehead. Hua Cheng surged up desperately, hands flying to fist into Xie Lian's robes and pulling him down against his body. He kissed him almost frantically, lips latching onto his out of pure hunger, swallowing the surprised sound that left the god's mouth and the aching ones that followed.
"Your Highness," he breathed in between kisses. "This one is sorry for forgetting." Xie Lian's lips parted against his letting the kiss grow deeper, languid and desperate. "This one remembers everything now."
The prince whined against his lips as tears welled up in his eyes again. "San Lang, you're really back. I missed you so much. I missed you," he pushed up on his forearms, endlessly repeating the same words and punctuating each time with a kiss somewhere on Hua Cheng's face. The ghost answered with pleased noises, allowing his arms to hug him tighter and taking advantage of every time Xie Lian got close to his lips to drag him into another passionate kiss.
Gradually the kisses turned softer and the murmured words lower, Xie Lian lay down, resting his head on Hua Cheng's chest, but he didn't stop sharing spiritual power every now and then.
"Gege can stop now, I've recovered all of my memories," Hua Cheng reassured, hands blissfully carding through the god's hair.
Xie Lian simply shrugged and kept pouring qi through their joint hands. "San Lang's energy is still a bit weaker than it was before, I don't mind. Plus I have a lot to repay..." He said sheepishly.
"Oh? Is gege trying to repay his debts quickly so he can leave?" Xie Lian didn't seem to miss the sliver of real concern in his teasing. He pushed up on one elbow, once again facing the ghost torturously close.
"If it's okay with San Lang I would like to stay," he stated simply, eyes fixed in his.
"Gege..."
Xie Lian mumbled something in response, so quick and muffled that it was entirely incomprehensible.
Confused and a little intrigued by the blush rapidly creeping on the prince's face Hua Cheng nudged him to the side, making him roll on his back and switching their positions with a grin. "What was that, gege?"
Xie Lian swallowed thickly and averted his eyes. "It's better if I give you my spiritual power anyway in case I lose them...in the future...f-for my, ah...cultivation."
Hua Cheng captured his lips as soon as the words were out of him. "My my, gege, so bold. I'm just a poor ghost who's lost his memories and here comes such a wicked cultivator to take advantage of me!"
A hand weakly swatted his chest threatening to push him away and avoiding to put even a drop of strength into it. "Shameless. Next time I will keep you without your memories, all cute and cuddly."
Hua Cheng chuckled, placing a light kiss on the prince's throat. "Don't worry gege, I won't be losing any more memories from now on," he promised gently. "But I can still be cute and cuddly if you prefer."
Xie Lian looked at him skeptically for a moment until he was faced with Hua Cheng's shameless pout and let out a snicker. "I know, San Lang. Then show me some more," he said opening his arms to him.
The ghost let himself sink in his embrace without second thought. Muffled in Xie Lian's robe he let out a deep sigh. "I missed you too, gege," he mumbled against his heart. "I must say, having you throw yourself in my arms when I thought I still had to find you, this poor ghost might not survive it but he would do it again."
Placing a kiss on the top of his head Xie Lian let out a small huff. "Shameless," he chided. There was a short pause then, "...but I would do it again too."
[1]These are the famous words “my beloved is a brave noble special someone…” but I just came across a tumblr post explaining the nuances of the sentence in Chinese and I find it even deeper so I’ve chosen to use part of their translation. I will put the link to the post in the end notes, go read it, it made me wish I could read the original and want to reread the novel all over again.