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Hux stared out over what was usually the pristine white landscape of what would soon be the completed Starkiller Base. There was one glaring blemish on the once picturesque snowy forest. And that was Kylo Ren, face down in a snow bank, pants around his ankles, gyrating his hips against the ground. Hux continued to stare for a moment before hazarding a slow and cautious, “Ren…what are you doing?”
“Snow is an asshole Hux!” snapped Kylo, glaring over his shoulder as he continued to plow the snow bank,“I hate it. It’s cold and wet and it gets everywhere. The snow is my sand Hux!”
“I don’t know what that means,” said Hux dryly.
“If you don’t get the sand reference you’re a fucking fake geek girl! You’re a fake geek girl Hux! You’re the reason this fandom sucks now! You made the fandom suck Hux!” yowled Kylo, before he thrust his face and hips back into the snow and began screaming.
Hux furrowed his brow, “Look, come back inside before someone else sees you.”
“I can’t Hux, not until I’ve fucked it!” shouted Kylo, “I can’t come until it’s fucked.”
“You mean you can’t come in until it’s fucked,” corrected Hux
“I know what I said Hux!” snarled Ren.
“What…why are you even doing this?” asked the General.
“The snow is an asshole Hux! A huge white pillowy asshole! We have to fuck that asshole, Hux! We’ve got to fuck the snow!” came the violent reply.
Hux stared at Ren with unfathomable ire and annoyance, “Go home Ren, you’re drunk.”
“I need your help Hux! I can’t fuck all of the snow by myself! You need to help me fuck this snow Hux!” insisted Ren.
"What? Ugh, no!” exclaimed the General, “That’s disgusting!”
“It’s an asshole Hux and it needs to be fucked! We’re the only ones who can do it Hux! This asshole needs to get fucked!” growled Ren, “We’ve got to fuck it Hux, its the only way!”
“No, no, absolutely not, no, a thousand times no!” repeated Hux.
Ren rose from the snow bank and Hux covered his eyes as the knight approached him, waddling through the snow, pants around his ankles. The knight continued to rave, “Don’t tell me you’ve never thought it Hux! You can’t honestly say you’ve never looked out the goddamned window and thought, ‘Fuck this snow. Just fuck it!’” Well today we stop dreaming Hux! We’re going to grab a hold of this asshole and we’re going to fuck it! Just you and me Hux! Kylo and Hux! Hux and Kylo! Fucking the snow! Best friends having a threeway with the snow!”
“I’m going inside,” said Hux, turning on his heel, “And if you had any sense you would do the same!”
“Not until I’ve finished what I’ve started!”
Hux hoped, as Kylo once again mounted the pile of snow, the knight of Ren would freeze to death and die in a heap.
Hux sighed as he stood by the bed in the medical bay. The search and rescue team had just succeeded in bringing Kylo back to the base.
The knight slowly opened his eyes, “Oh my god, Hux, what happened?”
“Well, you refused to return to base after your first twenty four hours of coitus with the snow. Somehow you continued to fuck the snow for another forty eight hours before you passed out,” explained Hux, gritting his teeth.
“Why is my crotch numb Hux?” asked Ren weakly, “Why can’t I feel my junk?”
A doctor morosely came forward with a clipboard. She sighed before saying with great effort, “Lord Ren, we’re afraid…your dick is in critical condition.”
Ren pulled back the blanket that was currently covering him. Hux let out a cry of disgust and shielded his eyes. If they had been open, he would have seen Ren’s dick hooked up to a tiny life support system.
“Oh my god, what happened!?” cried Kylo.
“Nobody’s ever fucked the snow for three days straight sir,” said the doctor, “This level of snow fucking was so unprecedented that nobody has been trained to treat it. Most people can only go for fifteen minutes at most.”
“Will it pull through doc? Is my dick going to make it!?” demanded Ren.
“We’re doing everything we can, but you fucked that snow pretty hard. We have all of our best people working on it but…I’m sorry sir, your dick is in a coma. We don’t know if it will ever wake up,” said the doctor solemnly, “All we can do is offer up thoughts and prayers and hope it pulls through.”
Ren’s hand shot out and grabbed the General’s arm, “Get out! All of you! Hux stays!”
“What!?” demanded Hux, turning red as his hair.
“Help me General Hux! You’re my only hope!” exclaimed Ren, “You’re the only one who can wake up my dick!”
“That’s preposterous! Where are you people going! You can’t allow this!” Hux barked at the medical staff.
The doctor opened the blast doors and turned, staring Hux down dramatically, “A man knows his own dick, General. Medical science has done all it can, the rest is up to you.”
The blast doors closed behind her and Hux tried to pry himself from Kylo’s death-grip on his arm. Hux screamed, “Stop making me a part of this!”
“You’ve got to wake it up Hux! Wake it up inside! It can’t wake up! Wake it up inside! Call my name and save it from the dark! Wake it up! Bid my blood to run! Before it comes undone!” yelled Kylo, gesturing angrily at his nethers.
“I am not touching your dick!” shouted Hux.
“You don’t have to touch it Hux! You don’t need to touch my dick! I just need you to get really angry and shout at me!” instructed Kylo, “You’ve got to yell at me Hux! Like you mean it!”
Kylo released him and Hux stared down at the knight. The General shuffled nervously, “Actually, I’ve never been asked to yell at someone before. Now that you’ve asked for it I just don’t seem to have the heart for it. Why do you need me to shout anyways?”
“You know your propaganda speeches?”
“…yes?”
“The ones you recorded?”
“Yes…”
“The ones where you call the Resistance slime and the scum of the universe?”
“I remember them…”
“I use them to jack off.”
Hux stared down at Ren, completely stunned.
“What?”
“Look, I’ve tried other things Hux, but nothing else seems to do it. I’ve tried triple ‘x’ comlines but none of them come close. I have searched every angry ginger porno site in the Galaxy. All of them. I crashed countless servers during my search. I even hired a prostitute to dress up as you and scream abuse at me and it didn’t do a thing. Do you have any idea how much it costs to hire a prostitute who can impersonate a First Order General? It has to be you Hux. You’re the only one my dick will-”
“That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard!” shrieked Hux in abject horror, “You- You miserable wretch of a human being! You vile, filthy, depraved, monster!”
“It’s working Hux! It’s working! Tell me I’m filthy Hux!” begged Kylo.
“Absolutely the most heinous and perverted thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” raved the General.
Phasma walked in with flowers and a get well card.
“You’re doing it Hux! Just keep screaming!” encouraged Kylo.
Hux’s knees had buckled underneath him as he slumped against the wall of the med bay, trying to keep from having a complete mental breakdown, “What sort of animal does that during an instructional video!? You’re sick Ren! Sick and twisted as they come!”
Phasma put the flowers and cards on the table. She patted Ren on the hair and gave him a motherly kiss on the cheek.
“Keep screaming Hux! It’s coming to life!”
“It was bad enough that the entire base is covered in your Sith Lord Splooge!”
“Wait, isn’t ‘the entire base’ the whole planet?”
“That’s right Ren! An entire planet covered in your disgusting body fluids! As soon as you’re discharged-”
“Well that’s what I’m trying to do here Hux!”
Phasma left the room.
“Discharged from the medical bay I am going to march you outside with a mop and a bucket and-”
“I need more Hux! Give me orders! Tell me I’m filthy! Oh god it…it worked! It worked Hux!”
The tiny life support system blinked to life and started emitting tiny beeps, monitoring a tiny heart rate. Ren threw his hands up in the air, “You did it Hux! You resurrected my dick! Doctor it’s a miracle!”
The doctor ran back in, “My god, this is a medical miracle! General Hux, you’ve done the impossible. The first successful resuscitation of a dick after fucking the snow for three days straight! I thought it was impossible to bring a dick back after a half hour of snow fucking. This defies all logic!”
“Why are you people talking like this is a normal thing that everyone does!?” snapped Hux.
“Come on General, everyone fucks the snow,” said the doctor. “
Yeah Hux, why would we build a base on a snow planet if we weren’t going to fuck the snow?” asked Kylo incredulously.
“Because the positioning of this particular planet gives us a strategic advantage!” snapped the General.
“No, I’m pretty sure it was to fuck the snow,” said Kylo.
“That’s it!” cried Hux. He seized Kylo by the back of his cape and dragged him out of the medical bay, “Come with me!”
“Oh my god Hux give my balls a break! At least buy me dinner first!” shouted Kylo.
“Supreme Leader I hate to bother you,” began Hux.
“Then don’t,” replied Snoke.
“But you have to tell Ren that the decision to construct Starkiller Base on this planet was for its strategic advantage, not so people could fuck the snow!” exclaimed Hux, completely exasperated.
Supreme Leader Snoke, in all his lofty glory leaned forward, as if to stare into the souls of both of the men standing before him. He considered them, slowly, carefully, more than likely raking through their minds with his command of the Force. With a threatening glare, death lurking in his eyes he glowered downwards, rounding on his apprentice.
“Kylo Ren, did you fuck the snow?”
Kylo looked up solemnly, “Yes Supreme Leader, the snow has been thoroughly fucked.”
Snoke considered the response for a moment, “I see…”
“Supreme Leader, the weapon is covered in Dark Side Spunk,” said Hux, exasperated, “We can’t proceed like this.”
Snoke kept his attention on Kylo, “Covered?”
“Yes Supreme Leader. It took me three days, but I fucked all of it. All of the snow. I fucked it all,” said Kylo.
“Nobody has ever fucked the snow for three days straight,” said Snoke ponderously, “Truly your command over the Dark Side has grown considera-”
“No. No. No. I will not accept that this is a normal thing that people do!” exclaimed Hux.
“General!” thundered Snoke, “Only once you have fucked the snow can you even begin to understand the power of the Dark Side of the-”
“Nope! You know what? I’m out! I’m done! My level of even is set to ‘can’t’!” shouted Hux, “I have to somehow clean up all of Ren’s jizz, and I just found out he jerks off to my voice because he’s a sick disgusting-”
“Ooh, Hux, not in front of my Dark Master~” gasped Kylo, going into a swoon and reaching for his crotch.
“He’s doing it right now!” shouted Hux, pointing at Kylo, “This is what I have to work with every day! I can’t take it anymore! Supreme Leader I devoted my lie to the First Order but…Oh my god Ren put that back in your pants or I’ll strangle you!”
“I can’t help it Hux, your voice is so smooth and unctuous! You’ve got the voice of an angry screaming ginger angel!” he paused, “Hey Hux…are you an angel?”
“Me? Why yes, yes I am, the first and brightest as a matter of fact. I got a bit too ambitious and they tossed me out. Now I’m serving my time ruling this hellhole,” seethed Hux as he grabbed Ren around the neck, “For this is hell! Nor am I out of it!”
“Hux, I was making an Episode One reference. Such a fake geek girl. Go take your lit major wannabe purple prose back to Livejournal where it belongs. God, you’re ruining the fandom Hux!” groaned Kylo.
Hux let out a feral cry and began to strangle Ren in earnest. Snoke looked on as his General tried to kill his apprentice while said apprentice tried to jack off to it. The Supreme Leader gave a slow, sage nod as he sat back to watch.
“…I ship it.”