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Buck couldn’t believe it.
Raindrops pelted the windshield of his jeep. He was going fast, probably too fast for the weather conditions, but he had left his common sense back at Maddie and Chim’s apartment with his dignity. Tears burned his eyes and blurred his vision, and as he pulled up to a red light, he smacked his steering wheel, a broken sob ripping from his throat.
She had lied to him. She had been lying to him for his entire life. He had a brother, a brother who died because BuckEvan couldn’t save him, because BuckEvan was so incredibly inadequate that he couldn’t do the one thing that he was born to do. He had spent years and years and years trying to earn his parents’ approval, their love, but he had been playing a losing game the entire time. The forgotten birthdays, the silent dinners, the missed parent-teacher conferences, it was all beginning to make sense. They never actually wanted him, never loved him, probably couldn’t love him even if they tried.
The light turned green but Buck didn’t continue straight, instead turning into the parking lot of some grocery store he’d never been to, throwing his car into park the moment he was between two yellow lines. Ripping his seatbelt off, he collapsed over the console, body curling into a sad attempt at a fetal position, forehead pressing hard into the rough plastic. He choked on a sob, tears flowing freely as he heaved and gasped and gagged on ragged breaths. His phone was ringing from somewhere in the jeep, had been ringing since he stormed out, and the sound of it only made him cry harder.
Thunder rolled overhead and Buck flinched; when he was little he had been terrified of storms. He had tried to draw comfort from his parents, waking them up in the middle of the night in tears, but they had always turned him away, tucking him back into bed without a word of assurance. He had gotten over it eventually, forced himself to breathe with the thunder and the rain and the lightning, forced himself to remain calm. Now, though, he didn’t have the energy to block out the sounds, and another crash of thunder made his ears ring. He tucked further into himself, fingers grasping his sweater, tugging and tangling in the fabric.
A shiver ran down his spine and Buck convulsed, clenching his teeth. What was even the point? He thought that he had accepted the fact that he would forever be last in his parents’ eyes, but now? Now he wasn’t even last; he was so beyond last that he wasn’t even an option, a tangible thing to care about. He was worthless in all senses of the word. If he were a better man, less selfish, less greedy, he would throw his jeep into drive and take it straight off the bridge, rid the world of himself like it was always meant to be. Three years ago he probably would have.
Flashes of his friends, his coworkers, his family , appeared on the backs of his eyelids, and Buck couldn’t help but cry harder. He had created a life for himself here, a life without his parents. He had people that cared about him, and he’d be damned if his death was the reason for their distress, if only for a while.
Exhaustion laid heavy on his heart, and as Buck drifted off into an unwilling doze, his phone rang and rang and rang.
. . . . .
Buck woke to light shining in his eye and a worried voice echoing in his ears. He groaned, blinking stars and colors away, and pressed his cheek harder against the center console.
“...go ‘way,” he mumbled into the plastic. He winced at the scratch of his voice against his throat and coughed, bringing his hand up to press at his neck.
“Buckaroo, can you look at me, baby?”
That voice…
He tensed. “‘Thena?” Buck peeled his eyes open. He peered at the blurry figure before him, and as the fuzziness faded from the edges of his vision, he relaxed, tension bleeding from his shoulders at the familiar face. “W-what’re you doin’ here?” he slurred tiredly.
“A lot of people have been very worried about you,” Athena replied, a frown on her face. She reached towards him, hands gentle on his shoulders, and pulled him upright. Buck went willingly, folding himself forwards and into her arms, tucking his face into the crook of her neck. “When you didn't answer your phone, Maddie asked Eddie to go and make sure you made it back home, but when he got there you were nowhere to be found.”
Her hand rubbed a soothing line up and down his back. “Oh,” he said dumbly, voice muffled by her shirt. “Sorry.”
“Shh, baby.” A gentle kiss was pressed to the top of his head. “You want to tell me why I found you passed out in your car?”
Buck shrugged. “Didn’t Maddie already tell you?”
“I want to hear it from you, Buckaroo.”
“They never wanted me,” Buck said, eyes burning with fresh tears. Great. He buried his face impossibly further in Athena’s neck, no doubt getting his snot and tears all over her uniform. “I was only m-made for spare parts, but I was t-too defective. I couldn’t s-save him.”
He felt Athena stiffen, only for a moment, before her posture relaxed, and her arms tightened around him. Fingers began to card through his hair and Buck let out a shaky breath, wincing as it got caught in his throat.
“You are not defective,” Athena said pointedly. She loosened her grip on him and with gentle hands, pulled his face away from his hiding place, cradling his cheeks in her palms. Her thumbs swiped beneath his eyes, clearing away the tears only for new ones to take their place. Her eyes were kind as they bore into his. “You have quirks, and oddities, and flaws, but you are not defective, Buck. You are perfect just the way you are.”
Buck’s lip wobbled. “Not perfect enough, apparently.”
Sighing, Athena shook her head before leaning down to press a kiss to his temple. “C’mon, baby, I’m taking you home.”
Buck let Athena manhandle him out of the jeep, and as he settled on solid ground, he realized that the storm had passed, and the moon was high in the sky. He frowned and turned back towards the jeep.
“What time is it?” he asked, leaning into his front seat. His eyes tracked the inside before landing on his phone, which was thrown haphazardly on the ground of his passenger side, and he reached across the console to grab it.
“Nearly four, I think,” Athena replied, one of her hands on his back. “We’ve been out looking for you since nine-thirty.”
Buck frowned. “We?”
“Myself, your team, some officers.” Athena guided him towards her cruiser. “Put an APB out on your jeep; we’ve been keeping an eye out for you between calls. Eddie’s been at your place, and Hen and Chim have been driving around the city.”
Buck slid into the passenger seat, sighing. He looked up at Athena. “God, ‘Thena, I’m so sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
Athena placed a hand on his cheek, thumb stroking along the curve of his birthmark. “The only thing that matters is that you’re okay, Buck,” she replied, shaking her head with a fondness in her eye. “Only you though, baby. Only you.”
Buck didn’t pay much attention during the drive, lost in his head as he stared unseeing out the window, watching houses and businesses pass by in a blur of color. Athena had made a few calls, but her words were garbled in Buck’s ears, drowned out by the pulse of his heart.
A hand touched his shoulder. “Buck, we’re here.”
“...hm?” Blinking the world back into existence, Buck frowned when he didn’t see his apartment building, instead seeing Athena and Bobby’s home. He turned towards Athena, brows raised. “ This isn’t my apartment.”
Athena smiled. “I know,” she replied.
Buck’s frown deepened. “You said you were taking me home.”
“And I did.” At Buck’s blank stare, Athena sighed. “Buckaroo, I am not leaving you alone right now,” Buck opened his mouth to argue, “and boy, do not try to argue with me.”
Buck bit his lip. “You don’t have to, ‘Thena,” he said softly. “I’ll be okay.”
“But you’re not okay, Buck,” Athena stressed. She reached over, grabbing one of his hands in both of hers. “If you were, I wouldn’t have found you asleep in your jeep in the middle of the night, and I wouldn’t have had to have my officers out looking for you. You are not okay, and that is okay .” Her thumbs gently stroked along his skin. “Your whole world was upended tonight. So come inside, at least for a little while, hon.”
Buck pressed his lips together before giving her a reluctant nod. “Okay,” he whispered. He nodded again, more vigorous. “Okay.” The proud smile Athena gave him placed a bandaid over his broken heart.
Exiting the cruiser, Buck almost didn’t notice Bobby standing in the doorway of the house. He leaned against the frame in his pajamas, the porchlight illuminating a face full of relief. Love and guilt flooded Buck in waves, the conflicting emotions brewing a storm in his chest. For the umpteenth time since fleeing his and Maddie’s conversation, his eyes burned with the onslaught of fresh tears.
As if sensing his unease, Athena rounded the cruiser and placed a hand between his shoulder blades. With a gentle push, she guided him up the driveway and towards the house, and as soon as Buck was within arms reach, Bobby grabbed onto his shoulders to draw him into a hug. Buck melted into it, hooking his chin over Bobby’s shoulder, cheek pressed against the curve of the man’s neck.
“Hi, Bobby,” Buck said quietly.
Bobby hummed. “Hey, Buck.” Bobby’s grip on his body tightened. “I was worried about you, kid.”
“I-I’m sorry.”
“None of that, now,” Bobby said. He pulled back slightly, ducking his head to meet Buck’s eyes. “Let’s go inside, yeah?”
Buck could only nod before he was led into the house. Athena followed after them, shutting the door as Bobby deposited him on the couch before sitting on the coffee table. Buck sniffled, using his wrist to wipe at his nose, and Bobby reached behind himself to grab a box of tissues, handing them to him.
“Thanks,” Buck said, taking the offered box. He ripped two out of the top before shoving them against his face, blowing his nose hard. He winced, “Sorry, that’s gross.”
Bobby laughed softly. “It’s natural, Buck,” he replied, shaking his head.
“Still,” Buck said. He shoved the used tissues into his pocket before slumping backward, his body melting into the couch. He tilted his head back to stare up at the ceiling. “Fuck.”
Athena snorted from somewhere behind him before two hands cradled his face, and he tilted his head further to meet her eyes. Her fingers were cool against his skin and he leaned into it, eyes fluttering at the sensation.
“I’ve got to get back to work,” Athena said quietly, nails gently scratching against his jaw. “I only have a couple of hours left, so I’ll be back for breakfast. Does french toast sound good, Buck?”
Buck shrugged. “Sure,” he said.
Athena leaned down to press a kiss to his hairline. “Get some rest, baby.” She drew her hands back and Buck couldn’t help but whimper at the loss. He watched her hesitate for a moment, watched her gaze flicker to Bobby’s before she pressed another quick kiss to his hairline and stepped back. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
She left, and Buck and Bobby were alone. Buck didn’t know how long he sat there, staring up at nothing. His mind was scattered, the vaults he had created broken open and all their memories released, floating around the abyss. Every blink became heavier and heavier, and every time he closed his eyes he sank further into the cushions, and before he knew it, he was asleep.
. . . . .
Evan sniffled into the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Knees tucked to his chest he leaned his head back against his door, breathing in as deeply as he could, only for his breath to catch in his throat. He coughed, wet and loud, and the burn of it made another round of tears slide down his face.
His room was cold; his mother had threatened to turn the heat to his room off, and for some reason, he hadn’t believed her, had continued to push the boundaries of her patience, and now it had backfired in his face. He shivered, his two sweatshirts doing nothing to stop the chill settling in his bones. She had locked him in hours ago, had even used the deadbolt she installed all those months ago when she first moved the lock to the outside of the door. He was cold and hungry and so, so tired.
He was so stupid. He knew better at this point than to bother her when she was watching her show, but he wanted to go on the field trip so badly, and he needed his permission slip signed. His father was on a business trip and had been for almost a week by now, and she was his only hope to go; so much for that dream. His permission slip was probably in the trash by now, ripped into tiny little pieces by perfectly manicured fingers, the same fingers printed in blue on his wrists.
Evan’s stomach rumbled painfully, and his breath hitched. He didn’t want to yet, wanted to wait as long as he possibly could, but in the end, his hunger won out. On shaky legs he pushed to his feet, stumbling over to his bed, collapsing on the mattress. He reached out and rifled through his nightstand, shifting papers over to reveal a jar of peanut butter buried at the bottom, alongside a plastic bag full of plastic knives.
Freezing fingers fumbled to twist the lid off. It took him a couple of tries, and once he managed it, the smell of peanut butter hit him in the face, and his stomach rumbled again, painful and twisting. The jar was only a quarter full as he dipped one of the knives inside. Tears continued to fall as he ate, falling faster and harder with each bite.
He wanted Maddie.
. . . . .
Buck startled awake, nearly rolling off the couch in his panic. He gripped the blanket covering his body, his knuckles a bony white at the pressure, and he gasped for breath. His face was sticky with tears and as he scrunched his eyes closed his skin pulled taut, painful, and stinging.
“Hey, hey, you’re okay.”
Large hands covered his own, and Buck’s eyes flew open, ready to flee. But as his vision stopped swimming and Bobby came into focus, his breath stuttered in his chest, some of his panic melting away, but enough lingered to keep his body locked.
“B-B-Bobby,” he hiccupped, blinking furiously, voice raw and torn. “B-Bobby-”
“Shh, kid,” Bobby said softly, lifting one hand to cup Buck’s cheek. “It’s alright. You’re at home with me, yeah? It’s just us. You’re safe.”
“Bobby,” Buck repeated. It was like his mantra. “Bobby.”
Bobby smiled at him, but it was tight, and the corners of his eyes wrinkled in the way they do when he’s worried. “I’m here, Buck. You’re safe.”
Buck drew in shaking breaths. His eyes darted around, taking in his surroundings; at some point, he had moved to lie down horizontally, no doubt the blanket coming from Bobby. At the reminder of his captain Buck’s gaze locked on him once more, his breaths coming a little quicker. His fingers twitched, slowly unfurling from his tightly closed fists and he reached out, hesitant.
Bobby shared none of the same hesitation, easily grabbing onto Buck’s hand and pulling Buck into a sitting position. Buck wasted no time, collapsing into Bobby’s arms, and somewhere in the back of his mind he faintly recalled doing the same thing with Athena not long ago. Bobby drew him in, arms wrapped tight around his body, and Buck cried.
He cried for Evan, a boy so lost and confused and scared all of the time because he didn’t know why his parents hated him so much. He cried for Daniel, his brother who he never got to know because he couldn’t save him. He cried for every version of himself, every self-imposed “software update,” always changing because nothing he did was ever quite good enough and he didn’t know how to fix it. The bandaids weren’t working anymore.
Eventually, his sobs tapered off into hiccups. Buck was exhausted, a bone-deep tiredness spreading throughout his entire body, but he refused to go back to sleep; he couldn’t handle another dream or nightmare or memory. He didn’t have the strength.
Bobby rubbed a hand between his shoulder blades. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked gently, sincerely. When Buck didn’t respond, he held him a little tighter. “Buck?”
“They don’t love me,” Buck replied instead, voice hoarse. He winced at the sound of it. “They never have.”
“Buck, they love you. They love you, even if it sometimes doesn’t feel like it-”
“No,” Buck interrupted. He shook his head against Bobby’s shoulder where his cheek lay, pressed into the soft fabric of his sleep shirt. “They don’t, they never did. Because if what they did is love , then I don’t want it.”
He felt Bobby hesitate. “...Buck?”
“I was a ghost in my own home, Bobby,” Buck continued. “I never knew why they just looked right through me. They only paid me any attention when I was hurt or acting out,” he sniffled, “so I did it on purpose. I fell out of trees, jumped down skate ramps, got in fights because when I came home bloody and bruised, they finally looked at me. They cared, if only for a minute. I just wanted them to see me.”
Bobby made a noise in the back of his throat, something wounded and scared, but Buck rambled on, unable to stop.
“When Maddie moved out Mom moved the lock on my door to the outside. It’s like they realized that since Maddie wouldn’t be home to care about me, they’d be expected to so they locked me in my fucking room like a dog for days sometimes. You asked me once why I don’t eat peanut butter…” Buck was nauseous at just the thought of it. “I ate it straight out the jars, hid it in my room so when I got locked in there I wouldn’t fucking starve. I don’t even know how many I went through over the years; twenty? Thirty?
“I’d get a bad grade on a test and they’d kick me out. I slept on my friends’ couches and floors for weeks until one day I’d get a random text from Dad asking me what I wanted for dinner as if I’d been home for dinner in three fucking weeks. They never wanted me, only had me to save their other son, and then they were stuck with me.” Buck breathed out, trembling. “They were probably disappointed when I didn’t just kill myself.”
“Buck,” Bobby said, voice strained.
“I tried so hard to earn their approval,” Buck whispered, “but I was set up from the beginning.”
Before Buck could say any more, Bobby drew his face to press into his neck, and Buck went willingly, boneless in his captain’s hold; he didn’t have the energy to fight even if he wanted to. Bobby’s own breaths stuttered in his chest, and as Buck wallowed in the darkness, soaking in the warmth, Bobby began running gentle fingers through his hair, pulling apart messy curls with a gentleness he’d never experienced before.
“Buck,” Bobby said again. “Have I ever told you why I was so scared to let you come back to work after your embolism?”
Buck frowned at the memory of the lawsuit. He shrugged, foregoing words.
Bobby sighed. “You mean so much to me,” he said after a moment. “Seeing you under that ladder truck, in what was supposed to be my place, it broke something in me. I realized that you were more than just a firefighter to me, Buck; I realized that in my eyes, you were like a son to me.
“And I was terrified to lose you. So when you coughed up blood in my backyard, I panicked. I thought that keeping you back would keep you around longer, keep you safe . But I was wrong. I was so, so wrong, and I didn’t realize that keeping you away from the job would hurt you, and in my effort to keep you close, I pushed you away.”
Bobby pressed a kiss to Buck’s head, and the action caused Buck’s stomach to flip. “I love you, kid. And I’m so sorry that I hurt you. You are so incredibly capable, intelligent, and strong; you’re one of the best firefighters I’ve met.” Another kiss was pressed to Buck’s curls, and Buck felt Bobby’s tears on his forehead. “You make living easier for me.”
Buck sniffled. “You make living easier, too,” he mumbled against Bobby’s skin. He pulled back just enough to meet Bobby’s eyes. “You’ve been more of a dad to me in the past few years than my father has ever been in my whole life.”
Bobby smiled, watery and wide. “You’ll always have me, Buck. You have me, Athena, the team; your parents don’t deserve you, don’t deserve any forgiveness or grace you would offer. Nothing that happened to you was ever your fault. Do you understand?”
Buck pressed his lips together, willing the tears to stop. “No,” he said honestly, earning a frown from Bobby. “Not right now, at least. But maybe one day.”
“Then I’ll remind you every day just how lucky I am that you’re alive,” Bobby said softly. He drew Buck back into his embrace. “You are worthy of love, Buck.”
Buck smiled through the tears. “I love you, Bobby.”
“I love you, too, Buck.”