Work Text:
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:08 AM
Subject: …You Little Shit
Shitty glasses. In my office. Now.
-The guy who’s going to kill you.
P.S. I mean fucking NOW.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Farlan Church
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:24 AM
Subject: Duuuuuude!
Bro, where did you find that fine-as-fuck assistant/secretary? Have you seen the kid’s eyes? Izzy is practically drooling.
No wait, she’s drooling.
Share the wealth bro, cuz DAMN dat ass.
Your BFF/brother from another mother,
Farlan
To: Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado, Gunther Schultz, Eld Gin, Erwin Smith, Hanji Zoe, Isabel Magnolia, Moblit Berner, Mike Zacharias
From: Farlan Church
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:25 AM
Subject: PSA
Guys, have you seen the fine piece of ass that is now Levi’s assistant? If not, consider this email a PSA to find an excuse to go and check that out. Also, everyone needs to spam Levi’s email now.
Let him know I feel slighted.
Farlan
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Petra Ral
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:30 AM
Subject: WELL DONE
HANJI. WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM. OMG HE’S PERFECT. I JUST SAW LEVI OGGLE THE KID IN THE BREAKROOM AS WE WERE GETTING COFFEE.
YOU ARE A FUCKING SAINT.
Petra
To: Farlan Church
From: Mobilt Berner
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:42 AM
Subject: Re: PSA
Mr. Church (you know these emails can be screened by HR and then forwarded to Mr. Ackerman right?),
That young man is Eren Jaeger (he’s a very nice guy!), Mr. Ackerman’s new assistant. Hanji personally picked him out. Don’t meddle too much or Hanji will hunt you down and perform illegal experiments on you.
Also I would avoid Levi today; he’s looking extra angry and constipated right now.
Moblit Berner
P.S. Hanji has informed me that if you mess this up for them, they will make sure the experiments hurt more than (and I quote) “a little unlubed gay virgin bitch taking Erwin Smith up the ass for the first time.”
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:55 AM
Subject: Re: …You Little Shit
Now, now, short and furious. Is that any way to greet your best friend?
So you noticed Eren, eh? Isn’t he just adorable? I think I deserve a reward for finding a rare gem like him. You’ve been complaining about being frustrated; I just found you a way to vent your frustration.
You’re welcome.
Mama Hanji
P.S. He’s actually a very hard worker and excellent at what he does. I put lube and condoms in your desk drawer; I need Eren to be able to sit and work afterwards.
To: Farlan Church
From: Mike Zacharias
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:55 AM
Subject: Re: PSA
He smells very nice. Good for Levi.
To: Farlan Church
From: Oulo Bozado
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:58 AM
Subject: Re: PSA
Tch, focus on your work, Farlan. You have a long way to go in the company, can you afford to be ogling the boss’s new assistant?
To: Erwin Smith
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 6:59 AM
Subject: Termination
Shitwin,
Terminate Hanji.
Immediately.
Or I will kill them.
Levi.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 7:00 AM
Subject: Re: Re: …You Little Shit
What the actual fuck, Hanji?
I don’t even need an assistant. Fire him immediately or I will fire you.
Levi
To: Petra Ral
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 7:08 AM
Subject: Re: WELL DONE
Thank you, my dear! Levi is furious, I’d say job well done, but the job isn’t done yet.
Operation: ‘Getting Levi Ackerman Laid’ has officially commenced.
BTW, someone stop Farlan from jumping Eren’s ass. Just because he’s bi doesn’t mean he has a crack at any new, hot assistant I hire.
Hanji
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Erwin Smith
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 7:22 AM
Subject: Re: Termination
Good morning to you as well, Levi.
We both know Hanji is a genius and I refuse to lose talent like that.
I suppose the reason for this sudden bloodlust is the new assistant I saw in front of your office? He’s a very nice man, you know.
Erwin
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 7:26 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: …You Little Shit
I will do no such thing!
Eren Jaeger is precious little darling, and so good at what he does. I’ll bet he’s already finished the report and cleaned the lobby in front of your office at this point.
Thank me later.
Seriously, use protection.
Hanji
To: Farlan Church
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 7:45 AM
Subject: Re: PSA
Farlan,
Why did you include me in this stupid group email? Fuck you.
To: Isabel Magnolia
From: Farlan Church
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 7:46 AM
Subject: Re: Re: PSA
Izzy, you know how fun it is to mess with Levi. The more we can pester his workaholic ass, the better. He seriously needs to get laid.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 8:28 AM
Subject: Report
Attachment: Report_March.docx
Mr. Ackerman,
I have attached the final copy of the logistics report your last intern left incomplete. Please let me know if there are any mistakes.
And if I may say, might you be coming down with something? You’ve been alternating between pale and flushed for the past few hours. Would you like some tea or Advil?
Eren Jaeger
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 8:35 AM
Subject: Re: Report
Eren,
The report is impeccable.
I’m fine; just stressed with dealing with shitheads.
Levi.
P.S. Don’t call me Mr. Ackerman. Only Shitwin and Moblit say that. ‘Levi’ is fine.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Erwin Smith
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 8:40 AM
Subject: Levi’s New Assistant
Hanji,
I take it this is your doing?
Be careful, he’s out for your blood and I can only protect you so much.
Erwin
P.S. I have to admit that even I’m impressed. How did you convince someone like that to go along with your plan?
To: Erwin Smith
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 8:42 AM
Subject: Re: Levi’s New Assistant
Eyebrows,
Of course! Nothing but the best for our little workaholic with the resting bitch face.
And he’s Armin’s friend! It's not like he hasn't seen our little leprechaun before given our company's position, so it wasn't hard.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 9:08 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Report
Yes sir.
If I may be so bold, if you’re stressed, would you like me to cancel your meetings for tomorrow so you can get some more sleep? You seem a little tired and have been furiously hitting your keyboard all morning. I could make you some tea?
If it’s a computer problem, I can call IT.
Just let me know, I am yours to command.
Eren Jaeger
To: Isabel Magnolia
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 9:18 AM
Subject: URGENT
Izzy,
I’m going to hell. This new assistant is killing me slowly. He just told me ‘I am yours to command.’
Fuck.
Do you still have that weird-ass blade from your cosplay years? The one that looks like a giant X-Acto box cutter? Because I need to use it to kill shitty glasses and perform seppuku.
Levi.
P.S. Oh my god, he’s eating a banana and popping grapes into his mouth. That is the biggest banana I’ve ever seen.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 9:48 AM
Subject: You are Evil…
…And I love it.
Levi is freaking out. Apparently Eren is eating a banana and grapes and big bro is having a mini orgasm in his office from the sounds of it.
Well fucking done, Hanji.
At the rate this is going, we won’t even have to do anything. Should we start a betting pool on how long it’ll take big bro to jump that ass?
Izzy
To: Farlan Church
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 9:55 AM
Subject: Re: PSA
So it goes without saying: Hands off Eren. I hand-picked him for Levi.
To make it up to you, Izzy has suggested starting a betting pool for how long it’ll take for Levi to get into Eren’s pants, if you’d like to set that up.
Hanji
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:01 AM
Subject: Re: URGENT
Why are you going to hell?
And it’s the twin blades from Attack on Titan, you uncultured fool. You may not dirty my precious blades with blood.
Also, Eren is perfectly nice, I don’t know why you’re complaining. He introduced himself to me this morning and he was just so genuine. Also, prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. Have you seen them? They’re like honey gold.
Izzy
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:03 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Report
Eren,
No, none of that is necessary.
Thank you for your concern.
Levi
To: Isabel Magnolia
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:03 AM
Subject: Re: You Are Evil…
I’ve contacted Farlan, I’m sure he’ll take care of the betting.
And really? What did Levi say?
To: Isabel Magnolia
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:25 AM
Subject: Re: Re: URGENT
Why am I going to hell?
Because my new assistant has the body of a god, and I’ve spent the last five minutes watching him pop grapes into his perfectly fuckable mouth and slowly eat a banana. All I could do the entire time was imagine his mouth wrapped around something of mine instead of the banana. By the way, the party downstairs is permanent at this point. He’s also efficient and has already finished the logistics report before noon, and has cleaned the lobby impeccably.
Also, I’m sure if you’ve been gawking at him, you’ve had a good look at that ass? Where did he even FIND slacks that fit his backside like that?
See? Going to hell.
God help me.
Levi
P.S. What am I living in, a fucking drama? He just bent over to pick up some fallen papers, giving me a picture perfect view of his ass and all I want to do now is bend him over my desk and ram him till he can’t stand.
P.P.S. Thank god we don’t have any meetings today; I cannot get up from my desk anytime soon.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:28 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: URGENT
Big bro, I may have grown up with you but too much information.
If you’re that wound up, do something about it. You're Levi fucking Ackerman. People are just lining up to fuck/get fucked by you.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Farlan Church
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:30 AM
Subject: Re: Re: PSA
You’re know me well, glasses.
No worries, I look one look at Levi’s face this morning and knew Eren was off limits. He’s just so fun to tease.
I’ll set up a spreadsheet and email it to the group.
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Armin Arlert
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:30 AM
Subject: What’s the news?
So how is your first day at work?
Is Levi everything you were expecting? Tell me everything, Eren.
Armin
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:31 AM
Subject: Re: Re: You Are Evil…
He just admitted he’s going to hell. He told me that Eren has a fuckable mouth, and is currently fantasizing about banging him against the desk.
I need this to happen.
Like now.
To: Isabel Magnolia
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:34 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: You Are Evil…
No kidding. Short stack is so tightly wound you could spin him like a top.
I’ll check in with Armin and see how Eren is holding up on his end as well.
To: Armin Arlert
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:35 AM
Subject: Re: What’s the news?
You and Hanji weren’t kidding; the man is fucking gorgeous. He has the most intense stare I’ve ever seen.
Thank you for this wonderful opportunity ;)
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Armin Arlert
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:37 AM
Subject: Re: Re: What’s the news?
You’re wearing those black slacks right? And that black shirt with the maroon tie?
DID YOU EAT THE BANANA? You should bring him documents to sign and walk up behind him so you can lean in over him. If you don’t have any papers I can fax some up to you or have Hanji do it.
Also, drop a pen or something. The bend-and-snap from legally blonde is a must.
To: Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado, Gunther Schultz, Eld Gin, Erwin Smith, Hanji Zoe, Isabel Magnolia, Moblit Berner, Mike Zacharias
From: Farlan Church
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:37 AM
Subject: Put your bets in!
Attachment: Betting pool.xlsx
Here’s the betting pool for when Mr. Levi Ackerman will finally get laid! Place your bets or forever hold your peace.
Dibs on the lunch hour!
Farlan
To: Armin Arlert
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:45 AM
Subject: Operation GLAL
Yo Armin,
How is Operation: ‘Getting Levi Ackerman Laid’ on your end going? How’s Eren faring? Tell him that the resting bitch face Levi has is permanent and for him not to be intimidated.
Hanji
To: Hanji Zoe, Erwin
From: Darius Zackly
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:47 AM
Subject: Check in
How is work coming? Everyone seems distracted today.
To: Armin Arlert
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:48 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: What’s the news?
Of course I wore them. And god, I will NOT bend and snap, not even for Levi fucking Ackerman.
The papers thing is an excellent idea. I’ll email Hanji.
Concentrate on your work, loser. Don't be slacking off back there just because I'm working here right now.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Armin Arlert
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:52 AM
Subject: Re: Operation GLAL
Eren is 100% in. He’s already eaten a banana slowly, picked up papers from the ground in front of Levi, and is planning on having Levi sign some papers. Don’t worry, if there’s anyone in the world who is stubborn enough to seduce Levi Ackerman, it’s Eren fucking Jaeger.
I’ve trained him well.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:53 AM
Subject: Documents from Nile Dok
Hanji,
Do you have those complicated contract papers that Nile Dok wants Mr. Ackerman to sign? I would like to get those processed as soon as possible.
Thank you,
Eren Jaeger
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Petra Ral
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 10:56 AM
Subject: Re: Re: WELL DONE
Hanji,
Please tell me you have news. If I have to hear Oulo make one more comment about Levi not being interested in brats and then biting his tongue, I’ll chop his fucking tongue off.
Also, just talked to Eren in the break room earlier. Could he be more of a gentleman?
To: Darius Zackly
From: Erwin Smith
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:00 AM
Subject: Re: Check in
No worries, sir. The team is working hard on the merger. I can guarantee results by the end of the day.
Erwin Smith
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:00 AM
Subject: Re: Documents from Nile Dok
Attachment: complicatedasfuckcontract.pdf
Here you go, Eren!
No need to be formal! I have a feeling the two of us are going to be the best of friends!
Good luck with Levi ;)
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:02 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Documents from Nile Dok
Thanks, Hanji!
I don’t think I’ll need luck if him squirming in his chair is any indication of what he’s going through right now. XD
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:03 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Documents from Nile Dok
Oh? I knew I liked you.
Just FYI Levi’s office is soundproof.
To: Armin Arlert
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:03 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Operation GLAL
Armin,
You’ve raised a monster. He’s perfect.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:04 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Documents from Nile Dok
Noted.
To: Isabel Magnolia
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:11 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: URGENT
IZZY.
I must’ve done something horrible in my past life.
The brat just walked in with the longest fucking report from Nile for me to sign and he fucking came up behind me to bend over and hand me a pen. Fuck, he was talking right in my ear. Scratch that, I think he was whispering in my ear. No one should be able to sound that sexy.
And where did he even find that shirt? It’s like a second skin. I literally will be chair bound for a fucking week if this keeps us. He has to be doing this on purpose.
Also, I think his tie is getting loose, because I had a perfect view of his neck as he was placing the documents in front of me. Fuck me. This is getting really out of hand. Don't even get me started about his eyes and tanned skin. How can anyone look that fucking gorgeous and be able to type up reports that quickly?
He’s going to break me.
To: Armin Arlert
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:11 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: What’s the news?
Armin,
The man has a will of steel. While there was definite flushing and a jump, I’m impressed he didn’t shove me against his desk when I whispered in his ear.
Time to pull out all the stops.
Eren.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:15 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: URGENT
I don’t know if I can take this anymore.
Just jump him, Big Bro.
To: Hanji Zoe
From: Armin Arlert
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:20 AM
Subject: Prepare yourself
Heads up, Hanji.
Eren’s going in for the kill.
To: STAFF (blocked: Levi Ackerman) (blocked: HQ management) (blocked: Eren Jaeger)
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 11:32 AM
Subject: Avoid Levi’s office
I am hereby announcing that Levi Ackerman’s office is out of bounds for the next few hours, effective immediately. Should any of you break this rule, I will personally hunt you down and slowly skin you with a rusted potato peeler.
Sincerely,
Hanji Zoe
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Hanji Zoe
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 1:58 PM
Subject: OH MY GOD
IT’S BEEN OVER TWO HOURS.
ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Petra Ral
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:03 PM
Subject: Wow
Just saw Eren.
You must be a monster in the sheets.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Farlan Church
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:05 PM
Subject: Finally
GOOD GOING, BRO. JUST SAW EREN LIMPING OUT OF THE BREAKROOM.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:08 PM
Subject: Holy Shit
BIG BRO
ARE YOU LIMPING?
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Erwin Smith
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:09 PM
Subject: (No Subject)
I never thought I’d see the day when you’d be limping through the hallways. Did you have a good lunch?
To: Armin Arlert
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:09 PM
Subject: Holy. Fucking. Shit
The deed has been done.
Several times.
Thank god his office is soundproof.
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Armin Arlert
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:10 PM
Subject: Re: Holy. Fucking. Shit
About time. How was it?
To: Armin Arlert
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:12 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Holy. Fucking. Shit
The man is a sex god.
Good bottom but better top. Not going to be able to walk without a limp for at least a few days. He’s also not afraid to be adventurous. Perfect score. Unfortunately my maroon tie cannot be salvaged. Worth it.
I plan to make this a permanent part of my life right now.
To: Hanji Zoe, Erwin Smith, Petra Ral, Isabel Magnolia, Farlan Church
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:14 PM
Subject: Fuck off
All of you shitheads,
My sex life is none of your business. Get back to work.
To: Erwin Smith
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:14 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Termination
Oi, Eyebrows,
Give shitty glasses a raise.
DISCRETELY.
To: Darius Zackly
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:14 PM
Subject: Merger
Mr. Zackly,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to thoroughly experience your company and its inner workings today. I feel confident that Survey Corporations will be a valuable partner to Jaeger Enterprises. I will put in a good word to my father, Chairman of the board, and I hope we will be able to work closely in the near future.
Sincerely,
Eren Jaeger
COO Jaeger Enterprises
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Armin Arlert
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:16 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Holy. Fucking. Shit
Good to hear. From the looks of it you did a number on him too. Were you guys seriously in his office for two hours?
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Isabel Magnolia
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:17 PM
Subject: Re: Fuck off
Big bro,
Given what you’ve been saying to me all morning it is definitely my business. I take back the too much information statement. Were you two seriously going at it for two hours?! Tell me everything.
To: Isabel Magnolia
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:18 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Fuck off
Fine.
Yes we were.
Not much to say. The kid is a fucking sex god.
Best sex of my life. I think I'm still high.
Happy?
To: Armin Arlert
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:20 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Holy. Fucking. Shit
Yes, we were. Like I said, the man is adventurous.
Best ‘first day’ at a job ever.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Darius Zackly
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:28 PM
Subject: Congratulations
Mr. Ackerman,
Excellent work on the merger with Jaeger Enterprises. Their COO just contacted me, saying he was very impressed with your work and will be interested in future endeavors with us.
You have earned yourself a hefty bonus.
Darius Zackly, CEO Survey Corporations
To: Eren Jaeger
From: Levi Ackerman
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:35 PM
Subject: Dinner
You shit, you never told me you were the COO of Jaeger Enterprises.
But now that we have gotten well acquainted, we should get dinner tonight. It’s on me since technically I have you to thank for my giant bonus.
To: Levi Ackerman
From: Eren Jaeger
Sent: Monday, April xx, 20xx 2:36 PM
Subject: Re: Dinner
I can be discrete when I want to be. However, I look forward to working with you closely, sir.
See you at 6.