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Ragatha is walking in circles in front of Pomni’s room. They haven’t spoken to eachother since the last adventure, which is normally not that weird, as there isn’t much time between adventures, but Caine hasn’t been in any mood to make a new one, so it’s been a while.
That’s probably worrying, but the only thing Ragatha is really worried about right now is Pomni. Things didn’t exactly go well last time they talked.. and now it feels like Ragatha doesn’t have any people left in her life.
But that’s not a good motivation. She isn’t just trying to fill a void of loneliness.. she genuinely likes Pomni! And it seemed like, for a bit, Pomni actually liked her to. She can fix this. She gathers up the courage, and knocks on Pomni’s door.
“Jax?” Pomni’s question makes Ragatha feel like she’s shrinking; Pomni was expecting Jax. Once again she needs to collect herself before continuing.
“No.. it’s Ragatha. I wanted to talk.”
“Oh. Come on in”, Pomni says nervously.
When Ragatha enters Pomni’s room, she suddenly feels a wave of conflicting emotions. She doesn’t really want to do this, and wonders if she should just take a run for it, and leave Pomni confused. Ugh.. it’s too late to back out now. Before she even thinks about what she wants to say she just blurts out..
“Why do you like Jax more than me??”
Pomni looks surprised, and unsure of what to say. Ragatha mentally facepalms.. that’s not how she wanted to start the conversation. How did she want to start the conversation? She probably should’ve planned this a bit better, but then again, she would’ve never predicted that Pomni would call out to Jax after she knocked on her door. Damn these insecurities!
Suddenly, she hears Pomni make an attempt to answer Ragatha’s question.
“I don’t really like Jax better than you.. I like you both equally, actually, in the way that I don’t really like either of you that much.. yet.” Pomni swallows loudly. “I know that sounds.. mean, but please hear me out.”
Ragatha feels confused, and a bit hurt, but stays quiet and listens.
“The reason I’ve been hanging out with Jax more is not because I like him, although he is starting to grow on me. It’s just that.. when I’m with you, things feel so heavy. I don’t know why.. it’s hard to put into words. Jax is so.. carefree. It’s like he doesn’t care about anything. I mean, it’s probably an act, but it’s infectious.”
“The adventures were scary at first, and felt like a massive burden. But Jax helped me.. to not take it all so seriously. It’s relaxing to not have to.. worry so much.”
“But you? You worry a lot, and it’s sweet. You want things to go well, and you encourage people to do better.. to be better. You’re so selfless, and yet I feel drained when I’m around you. Like I said, you make things so heavy. I’m sorry, I’m [#%@&] at explaining it.. I guess I just wish you were more honest, instead of always trying to be positive.”
“But when I was honest.. you told me to calm down.” Ragatha looks down at the ground. Don’t cry, don’t cry, she repeats to herself in her head.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, I handled that poorly. I guess I just didn’t expect that outburst.”
Ragatha doesn’t know how to respond to that. She’s glad Pomni apologized, but she still can’t help but feel deeply ashamed. It’s like she never understands how to act appropriately in any given situation. She sighs deeply, and tries to think of the right words to say.
“I know that you think I’m not genuine, but it’s not as simple as that. Sure, sometimes I hide my frustation, and act overly positive to try and fix the situation even though I feel terrible. But.. I am genuinely rooting for you, and everyone else in the Circus.. even Jax. Maybe we are kind of opposites in a way. I mean, you like that the adventures don’t really matter, but I can’t help but feel empty without a purpose. I guess I made it my purpose to help you get acquainted, to encourage you and make you feel special.”
“It just makes me feel like you think I’m a child that needs coddling. It’s not totally on you.. even outside of this world, I’m small, and I look young and I was often.. not taken seriously. I guess when you treat me that way, it reminds me of all those times I was treated like a child.. and I may have unfairly assumed you saw me that way too,” Pomni admits.
“That.. makes a lot of sense. I promise you, I never wanted to treat you that way. Like I said, I am genuinely rooting for you. It felt horrible for me to see you in so much distress. And maybe I do act a bit.. motherly. I’m sorry, it’s just that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother..“
“Yeah, I gathered that,” Pomni interrupts.
Ragatha looks at her confused.
“From.. the bar.. when you talked about her.”
“Oooooh.. right.. yes I did that.. oops.” Ragatha smiles awkwardly, and Pomni smiles back. It eases some of the tension in the room.
“I guess I want to be good to others in the way that my mom wasn’t and.. well.. that maybe makes me act like the mom I wish I had.” Ragatha realizes suddenly that she’s way oversharing, but didn’t Pomni tell her to be honest? Ugh.. this is hard!! She feels painful feelings bubbling up as she continues speaking.
“And I know you enjoy how Jax doesn’t really care about anything.. or pretends not to care.. but it honestly really hurts me. It hurts to care about people when they don’t give a [#%@&] about you!”
Damn it.. she had another outburst. Pomni must be tired of her. Ragatha notices a tear rolling down her cheek, and feels herself cringe.. she hates crying in front of people. Suddenly, she feels two arms wrapped around her, and she feels herself freezing up. The sudden touch is pleasant, but overwhelming. As soon as the hug starts it ends, as Pomni pulls back with an embarassed expression.
“I’m sorry.. I don’t even know if you like hugs”, she says while fidgeting with her hands.
“Like hugs? I.. love hugs!” It’s the most genuine thing she’s said in a long while, and her excited tone catches Pomni off guard.
They sit quietly next to eachother for a bit before Pomni reaches back out. This time, the hug is softer, and Ragatha fully leans into it. The kind and inviting touch turns Ragatha’s tears into full blown sobs, as she can’t remember the last time she’s been hugged. Pomni doesn’t comment on the crying, which Ragatha is thankful for.
After a little while, Pomni pulls back again, and she looks slightly distressed. “I’m sorry.. I’m not very good with touch, but I felt like you needed a hug.” She looks down, her gaze avoiding Ragatha’s.
Ragatha feels a stab of guilt. Normally she’s the one sacrificing her own comfort for someone else, but now Pomni is doing that for her. It’s.. unfamilliar to her.
“Look..,” Ragatha says with a worried expression, “you don’t need to do anything for me if it makes you uncomfortable.”
Pomni shakes her head. “You don’t need to decide that for me. I wanted to hug you, so I did. I may not be fully comfortable, but that doesn’t mean I would take it back.”
In that moment, it’s like Ragatha suddenly understands every interaction she’s ever had with Pomni. She smiles softly, and answers with a giggle in her voice: “you’re right.. and I appreciate the hug. I did need it.”
Pomni smiles so sweetly it makes Ragatha’s heart hurt. “Well.. I’m happy to hear that.. and I’m glad we talked. But uh.. Jax and I will keep hanging out too, probably, and I don’t want that to cause any umm.. rift between us.”
Ragatha nods thoughtfully. “From now on, I’ll stay out of it, I promise. It’s not my business whose company you enjoy. Any issues I have with Jax are my own!”
Pomni lets out a relieved sigh. She didn’t even realize how much it was all weighing on her until it wasn’t weighing on her anymore. “Well.. it’s not any of my business either, but I hope you and Jax are able to patch things up some time.”
Ragatha didn’t mean to laugh so cynically, and wants to apologize for it, but Pomni doesn’t seem to take it harshly. “Yeah, I don’t know,” she says honestly, “I don’t know if we’ll be able to resolve things. But if Jax ever decides to be less of an [#%@&], maybe.”
She wishes she could take back everything she just said, cringing at how the words sound when she says them out loud, but she wants to be more genuine with how she feels. Again, Pomni doesn’t seem to mind her words, which is relieving. Maybe Ragatha can actually be herself around Pomni, she thinks to herself, and the thought calms her down.
Suddenly Ragatha becomes aware of how long she’s just been standing awkwardly in Pomni’s room while going over her own thoughts in her head, and quickly excuses herself. “So anyways, goodbye, thanks for the chat, love ya”, she says frantically before leaving and shutting the door quickly and a bit too loudly.
Pomni flinches, but then giggles to herself. She judged Ragatha way too soon. Just like Kinger, there’s more than meets the eye. Pomni feels herself yawning, which is surprising. She hasn’t been in the mood to sleep since she became a part of the Circus. She just feels so at peace, that it is almost natural for her to drift to sleep. She closes her eyes.. and doesn’t have a nightmare for once.
It’s nice to have good people in this weird place.