Chapter Text
“…I never thought about you like that.” Jayce said, his voice quiet, face flushed. He was looking everywhere but at Viktor’s eyes.
The thing was, he hadn’t expected this particular outcome. For him, being rejected by Jayce was almost foreign, alien, a disturbing possibility in one of the most messed up alternative universes they inhabited. Of course he thought about it, about being rejected, how it would affect him- His ever betraying mind told him several times that it was obvious that Jayce wouldn’t want him, because how could he? How could this God on earth want someone like him? Someone so perfect like Jayce wouldn’t bat an eye for him. But then, why does Jayce's face illuminate every time Viktor enters a room? Why does he run to their shared bedroom after every class to meet with him? Why would he buy only the snacks Viktor likes for their movie parties every Friday? Why would he kiss him on the cheek, on the forehead and cuddle with him when Viktor’s pain would flare up? Why would he pull him into his arms and caress him into his sleep almost every night if he did not feel the same?
But reality proved itself ruthless, for no matter how many outcomes Viktor calculated, analyzed and thought through before his ultimate confession, nothing could beat the hurt he felt at the words his best friend uttered. The worst part was the kindness of it, how Jayce seemed more ashamed than anything else to have to reject him.
Viktor tried to laugh, chuckle, to make the situation more bearable, a little bit less tense, but the tears already gathered around his eyes and the only sound that came from his lips was a sob.
And Jayce, sweet sweet Jayce, did not bear the sight of him so broken, so instead of letting Viktor cool down, for him to rearrange his feelings, and try to put a brave face, Jayce hugged him, his strong arms guided them both towards Jayce’s own bed, and made him lay down next to him. Viktor tried to push him away, to let him go, to allow him to curl into himself and not allow Jayce of all people to see him so damaged, so shattered.
“It 's okay, Vik. Let it out.” He said, his face pressed against Viktor’s hair, his arms stroking gently up and down, as Viktor’s ragged breath made them both twitch.
Viktor couldn’t say if that was the worst of the best rejection he’d known of, but in the end it was just as earth shattering as it was kind.
*
Viktor was avoiding him.
Jayce understood why, but it did not mean he liked it.
Since that day, Viktor had missed four of their movie night parties. It was not like they made an agreement about it, a set in stone arrangement or anything, but since the beginning of their friendship, like a month in since they started being roommates, they would watch the trilogy of the lord of the rings , the original Star Wars trilogy or the Matrix , interchangeably. Sometimes they would spice things up by watching the commentary version, or would try to watch a new TV Show related to a book they read or a game they already played, like Fall Out. But they would mostly go back to what is known to them, even if half of the time they would fall asleep before even reaching the ride of the Rohirrim.
He missed those, the way Viktor would fall asleep so deeply he did not even controlled the way he drooled all over Jayce’s shoulder, nor the way he would hug him with all of him, his arms and even his legs, his braced leg covering Jayce’s middle, evolving him in Viktor’s usual cooler self, a perfect juxtaposition with his own warmer state.
But it was not only those movie nights he missed so much, he missed his friend.
Viktor started to leave their shared room way too early in the morning, Jayce would usually wake up at six to go to the gym, but when he came back around seven and a half, Viktor was no longer there, when it was usual for them for Jayce to wake him up every day.
They did not have many classes together, with Viktor being a year his senior and all that, so he almost never had the chance to see him around until they met again in their room, where Viktor used to wait for him for their shared study sessions during the afternoons. Now, whenever Jayce arrived at their door, and put the key in the lock, he quietly prayed his dear friend would be on the other side- But he was not, only silence would greet him.
And Viktor wouldn’t arrive until late in the night, way past their curfew. Jayce pretended to be asleep most nights, unmovable and quiet, only hearing the way Viktor tried not to make much noise, his cane betraying him, until he opened the door to the bathroom and he only could hear the water falling from the other side.
It was painful, damning and just terribly sad. This was his best friend, with whom he shared sleepless nights doing homework, helping each other with their individual research, sharing almost everything, food, drinks, even their beds. Eating from the same plate, drinking from the same straws, falling asleep side by side into the other’s arms. He missed it, the camaraderie, the friendship, the way Viktor’s face would flush red whenever he kissed him goodbye, a simple peck in the cheeks like the ones his momma gave him.
His mother sent him a tupper filled with baked goods, most of them Viktor’s favourite, she became accustomed to doing them after the first spring break they both went to Jayce’s home to spend the recess. A tupper of 1 l filled with alfajores, empolvados and merenguitos, all for them both to enjoy whilst watching the new season of Andor , they waited for it to complete before watching it, knowing how tense Jayce would get when something ended on a cliffhanger, and then this happened and they still hadn’t been able to watch it.
Jayce refused to start it alone, he hadn’t seen anything by himself in almost three years. What use would it have to watch anything without Viktor’s snarky comments every now and then? He always had the best takes on movies, pointing out incongruences. Jayce would support with his own criticism, about not following the original resource, bad camera angles or simply bad cgi.
He never watched movies with other people. Caitlyn claimed that he was too intense with the things that he liked, that he did not allow her to fully enjoy the movie if he would criticize even the director of it, his mother never said anything against his intense critics but she never fully understood his point, only nodding and saying with a voice filled with awe “eres tan inteligente, mijo. (you’re so smart, son.) So the first time he saw a movie with Viktor, and not even fifteen minutes in he started saying “did you know…” with that playful monotone voice of his, he just knew Viktor was different from everyone else.
And now he was avoiding him.
Jayce wondered, more than once, why couldn’t he just obliged. Why couldn’t he just accept Viktor’s proposal into being a couple and go along with it, but if he was completely honest with himself, he was scared. He’d seen the way his classmates entered relationships only to break up like a month in, Caitlyn’s current girlfriend is the one she’d been with the longest and they only been together for like six months, and they broke up once already. He did not want to lose his best friend. What he’d said had been true, completely and irrevocably, he never thought about Viktor like nothing else but a friend, but because for him that meant everything. They were friends, best pals, partners in the lab and in crime (he always chuckled at the way Viktor once forgot to pay for a pack of gums on a seven eleven because he put it on the bottom of their shopping bag), they were much more than any of those couple he’d seen around campus would ever be. And yet, he’d lost him already, or so it seems.
Jayce wanted to make things better, to talk to Viktor, get his friend back. To find a way for them to go back to how things were before. That’s why he got all the things Viktor liked, some pineapple soda, vanilla ice cream, his mom’s pastries, some pizza too. He just needed to wait, no matter if Viktor arrived way past curfew as he often did, Jayce would wait for him, force him to talk to him and then they could drown their sorrows into the food.
The clock marked 12 am, then 2, then 4. The birds started chirping, the sun rising up, painting the sky with a beautiful shade of orange mixed with pink- And yet Viktor did not arrive.
It was the first time he hadn’t gone back to their shared room to sleep. Jayce thought about calling him, text him, even go and try to find him- Maybe something happened to him, his freak out was understandable. But there was no need for it, for Sky texted him during the late hours of the night that Viktor fell asleep in her and Mel’s room.
‘He' s here.’ Was all it said.
Even though he received the text, Jayce still couldn’t go to sleep, too haunted by the certainty that Viktor did not want him around anymore, going far enough to sleep somewhere else than be near him.
It was just a matter of time until Viktor would ask the administrator to change rooms, and even then he wouldn’t probably see him leaving, he would pack his things little by little during the night until there was nothing of him left. Nothing of their friendship, of their sleepless nights, his trust in each other, all that Viktor meant to him.
All of it gone.
Jayce felt like a child again, all alone and left behind, the kid that no one chooses to play ball with, the one they didn’t talk to for being so odd, plain looking and fat. The one they ridiculed because it was fun, the one they left alone because nobody could understand the way he spoke.
He’d seen what heaven looked like and foolishly threw the keys away, only for them to sink on an eternal sea of solitude. Viktor would no longer look at him with kindness, he would no longer laugh with him when he would make a scientific joke- He wouldn’t talk to him about everything and nothing for hours and hours. He would never see the way Viktor’s cheeks would blush when they sit too close to each other, he would not fall asleep to the steady rhythm of his breathing, he’d fucked up and he ended up alone once again.
When he was but a kid his mother and a psychiatrist had worked hard for him to improve his mental state, he was prone to anxiety and binge eating, ergo why he used to be such a heavy kid, and why he still had to take his pills everyday. But everything had been fine since, almost no relapses, always trying his best even if he did slit his wrists at sixteen. He’d felt so alone back then, so misunderstood- all of it was behind him, or so he thought.
It started with a slice of pizza, something to calm his nervous stomach, then two, and then the whole box. He did not know at what point he started crying, the food tasted like nothing and he could mostly taste the saltiness of his own tears over the sweetness of the alfajores. He drank the whole soda, ate everything he’d gathered for Viktor and himself. He wasn’t even hungry, but the food in his stomach was warm and he needed some sense of comfort desperately.
But then the food was gone and he was left with nothing. Jayce curled into himself, his palms pressed tightly against his eyes, almost enough to hurt. He was already hurting, with so much pain emerging from within, what was a little more?
He did not sleep that night, so he was still fully awake when the door opened around 7 am. He thought of hearing the clackling sound Viktor’s cane made against the floor but he attributed it to his own manic state, it wouldn’t be the first time he was hearing things.
Jayce did not look up when the door was opened nor when the footsteps approached him. He did not dare to bear any hope until Viktor’s voice reached him, filled with concern even with the clear numbness state he found himself in, he probably had just woken up. “Jayce…? Is everything alright?”
“Viktor!” Jayce stood up as quick as he could from his place in the rug, so quick he almost pushed Viktor with his own body. “I thought- I thought I'd never see you again.”
“I just slept over at Sky’s, Jayce. Nothing for you to worry about. I have other friends.” It stung, of course Viktor had other friends, of course he wasn’t at all that important to him anymore.
“Ye- yeah, I know- It’s just… You’re never around anymore.” He tried to play it cool, to not be so evident with his nervousness, his desperation. But his feelings guided his tongue and blurted out what he should not. “I miss you.”
Viktor’s face was unreadable, or it might be him who was unable to currently read it. He always had known even the littlest things out of Viktor’s microexpressions, when he was uncomfortable, when his brace was bothering him, when he was happy but did not want to show it and when he was sad and refused to be honest with himself, all in the littlest’s quirks of his brows and the curl of his lips. He’d never been able to read people before, but with Viktor had come naturally- But not anymore, he now couldn’t understand what he was seeing, he did not know if Viktor was angry, disappointed or disgusted by him, and his sight only worsened by the way tears gathered around his eyes and the world seemed to tremble beneath him. “I believe it would be better for me to put some distance between us- I know how uncomfortable all of this must be for you and. Well. I thought it would be best for you not to have me around.”
Anxiety filled his chest. Was this the end? “No! No, Viktor I don’t want that. I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want you to pretend that I don’t even exist, not- Not when you mean everything to me.”
It was not the first time Jayce said things like that, he often was too open with his feelings. But before all of this, whenever Viktor would hear something like that, he would bashfully look away and his cheeks would be tainted pink, yet in present time, he only shrugged, uncomfortable and tense, almost as if the words physically hurt him. “You cannot say those things anymore, Jayce.”
Jayce curled onto himself, gasping for air as if he’d just tripped over. His glassy eyes trying to find Viktor’s, pretty eyes filled with tears, looking like a beat up puppy in search of some comfort. “I just want my partner back.”
Viktor avoided his gaze, knowing perfectly well that if he looked at those hazel eyes he would give in, immediately. That’s why he tried desperately to put some distance between them, for if Jayce asked him to continue like they used to, he would agree, with the pain in his heart and feeling it shatter everyday, he would give in to Jayce, he always did.
But looking around the room, its state turned out to be even worse for him. The rugged floor was filled with crumbs and discarded boxes of pizza, plastic wraps and an empty big tupper. Jayce’s state wasn’t much better, big eyebags decorating his usual pristine face, his pyjamas stained with food and some liquid he could not put a name to, he hadn’t shaved in more than a couple of days. He looked disheveled and tired, eyes injected with blood as if he'd been crying.
Guilt ate Viktor from the inside. Had he caused this? With his stunt of supposed indifference? He knew Jayce was not the most stable person, but he never would’ve believed he could cause such a turmoil in Jayce’s life.
He did not know what type of face he made, what type of expression was plastered in his features but when he looked back at Jayce’s eyes he could only see shame in them; and then Viktor knew he was done, all the resolution he’d had vanished the second Jayce curled in fear of what he might say.
But Viktor said nothing, instead he let go of his cane and his arms enveloped Jayce’s neck.
He said nothing about the way Jayce’s tears dampened his shirt or how his strong arms hugged him so tight it almost hurt.
Neither of them knew how long they stood like that.
*
“So I guess things are going back to what they used to be.” Viktor’s voice was estranged, forceful as he spoke, softer than it used to be, almost ashamed for what he agreed to, or maybe scared of the chastisement he was about to receive.
“Viktor…” Sky started, her voice kind, knowing she needed to say her mind even if it would not be what her friend wanted to hear. “I don’t think this is the best for you. Don’t you remember how you were after that day? It was really hard for us to see you like that… So broken.” She looked at her side, to her girlfriend. Mel was quiet but her expression was a mix between pity and understanding. “You have to think about what's best for you.”
“I know but- I cannot do that to Jayce. It was a mistake on my part, thinking he might feel differently.”
“Are you sure he does?” Mel intercepted, her face scrunched like trying to figure something out.
“He made it quite clear when he rejected me.” He chuckled, it was such a humourless laugh that the three of them cringed. “And besides, I miss him too. I miss my friend. As much as I enjoy being the third wheel.” He played it off, but none of the girls smiled. “I want to be with him again.
“Viktor, I don't think this is the best for you…” Sky trailed off, almost as if trying to find a way to convince him otherwise. But she knew Viktor’s resolve was not strong, he never even dared to go to the administrator to find out if he could change rooms. All his life he’d lived it around Jayce, he was going to follow up with his master’s degree in the same university just because of him, not caring if other universities offered better arrangements.
“No, I don't think so either. But I was wrong, Sky. Distancing myself from Jayce only hurt us both, and eh- I’ve been- happy, lately. Trying to get back to our usual routine. I did miss him, deeply.” He was not smiling, but she could see the contentment in his tired features.“I don’t think I could bear to do it again.”
She wanted to support him, she truly did, but how could she? She’d seen Viktor’s state the last weeks, the way he seemed about to end it all just because the Golden Boy rejected him. Both Sky and Mel felt somewhat responsible for him, they both urged him to confess, they were completely certain the taller man felt the same, they saw the way he looked at Viktor, the way he cared, how he touched him so intimately they both had been flabbergasted when the brunette finally told them that no, they were not together. “But what will you do when he gets a girlfriend? When he marries? Viktor, you cannot keep going with this codependency you two have, it’s not healthy!”
Viktor only shrugged, he knew it was not normal, the way he and Jayce were, at least it was clearer now after having to see it. Being away from Jayce felt like being on withdrawal, or at least that is what he could compare it to. When the doctor commanded him to go a full month without painkillers for how dependent he’d become to them, how great, comfortable and good he felt with them.
He needed them, the doctor knew it, but he’d become accustomed to pain at a certain point, and then he began to take them even when he felt slightly uncomfortable.
It was the same with Jayce. He felt good with him, comfortable, loved and cared for, more than he’d ever felt in his entire life. Nobody in his life ever cared too much for him, and it became clear facing the horrid state Jayce was in when being without him, he needed him too. He might not feel the same, romantically, sexually, but Jayce needed Viktor the same way Viktor needed Jayce.
Desperately, wholeheartedly, maddening.
He left their shared room because he couldn’t face Jayce having tears flowing down his face, rejection still too raw in his chest. Viktor believed it all useless, all they shared together would be forgotten for the stupidest mistake of his life, a confession he should never have uttered- How could he face Jayce knowing he did not love him in return?
But he’d been wrong, Jayce did love him, truly and hopelessly.
Jayce had rejected him romantically but Viktor committed a larger sin rejecting his friendship, his camaraderie- and it drove Jayce to the precipice.
Viktor could not help the smile that curled his lips at this, he did not want to make Jayce feel that way again, he wanted Jayce to be certain of their relationship, but knowing how miserable he’d been without Viktor in his life… It felt terrifyingly fantastic.
Jayce might get a girlfriend, a wife, children even, and still there was some type of certainty in his mind, in his chest, on the bottom of his stomach that he would still be the most important being in Jayce's life. That he would run after him if he ever dared to stray away, that he would come if he called him in the middle of the night, that he would leave everything behind if Viktor ever asked him to.
So he couldn’t help but smirk at the warm feeling in his chest.
*
Mel scanned her surroundings, watching carefully the students passing by the hall. She was a law student and had no business standing in the middle of the Engineering building, especially not when her girlfriend was currently in class alongside Viktor
But she was searching for someone.
Mel paid no mind to the people looking at her and whispering to themselves, it was the usual for being the daughter of a politician, but it was tiresome when she wanted to go unnoticed; it was simply impossible.
She found the man, finally. He was leaving a classroom, and by the looks of it he was the last one. This little interaction would do plenty to feed the infuriating gossip about them dating, something she foolishly believed would dissipate the moment she made her relationship with Sky public, it didn’t help at all.
“Jayce!” She called at him, he had his eyes looking down at a big book he carried with one hand, he did not move to her direction, apparently too focused on what he had on his hands. “Jayce!” She called again, gently putting a hand over his shoulder, finally breaking through his little bubble. It was irksome how he paid no attention to anyone- well, anyone but Viktor. She was sure that if Viktor had been in her position Jayce would’ve noticed him without even having to speak, his friend could call on him saying his name softly enough to be a whisper and Jayce would look up immediately searching for him.
“Mel! Hi!” He nervously said, almost dropping the book in his hand, backing away from her touch. “How are you?” He asked politely with a sweet smile plastered in his face, yet his eyes were looking frantically away, notoriously wanting to be anywhere else.
“I actually need your help for something. I’m somewhat leading an investigation.” She said with a confiding tone, and it was apparent he was eager to hear as he came closer to her just to hear about it, leaning in enough for his ear to be at her reach. “Is Viktor single?”
“He’s gay.” He replied, as soon as the words came out of her mouth. Jayce backed down, almost as if punched in the face, his eyes wide and absent of all the warm pretence he always wore.
“I did not ask that, Jayce” She clarified. “My question is simple: Is he single?” Her voice became more strong, direct. The type she used when demanding an answer, and yet Jayce did not give in, he looked behind her then to the side, nervously rearranging his backpack as he put the book inside it.
“That’s not something I should answer.”
“Why not?” She gasped, supposedly surprised, as if realising something and not playing with the man. “You don’t know? Oh, that’s so terribly sad. I thought you two were close.” Mel tried her best not to laugh at his mortified expression and the way his eyelid was trembling, so enraged at her pretending he and Viktor were not almost attached to the hip. “Anyway, I just needed the info because a friend of mine was really really interested in him, you know? He said Viktor had the prettiest eyes he’d ever seen in his entire life, and he wanted to ask him on a date today. But I told him I would check if you knew anything first.” She laughed, wholeheartedly, enjoying her little role. “But since you know nothing of him I’ll text him to just go along with it!” She checked her wrist, as if trying to figure the hour, but there was no watch in it, she doubted Jayce even noticed that in the way he was fuming. “Oh, look at the hour! I bet he’s already outside Viktor’s classroom!”
“Who?” Was all Jayce could utter at this point.
“Dmitri! Do you know him?” Dmitri was not on his way towards Viktor’s class, in fact he was not even on campus today. Heimerdinger asked him to accompany him to a visit to a public school Mel was so kind to arrange.
Still, Dmitri had indeed previously asked Viktor out, and he rejected it, knowing how much Jayce detested the man. Mel was certain her friend never told Jayce about it, not wanting to make him angry.
And angry he was, at least by the way Jayce’s body tensed just before starting to run towards the classroom they both knew Viktor was currently in.