Archive of Our Own ^beta

It all started on just an average, everyday sort of night – well, it was average for Xue Yang. Maybe to most people being ordered by your boss to murder your boss's baby was not an average night, but Xue Yang was used to that sort of thing. It would be more strange if there wasn’t some shady shit like that going down. 

Xue Yang loomed over the oblivious offspring, cuddled up in bed with a Winnie the Pooh plushie and no clue what was coming. Typical Jin Guangyao that even his choice in child’s plaything had to make a passive-aggressive political statement. Weird guy. If even Xue Yang thought so, it had to be true, as he was even weirder. For example, he was totally fine with killing innocent babies. This one in particular was a spoiled brat anyway, so he didn’t feel bad at all. It had probably already lived a better life than most people. Its bedroom was full of expensive things. Jin Guangyao had definitely been trying to overcompensate for his guilty-conscience. Seemed like a waste of money to Xue Yang. At that age, would it even know the difference between a fancy crib or a cardboard box? He didn’t remember his cardboard box a bit, so he doubted this kid would remember all that expensive furniture – well, it wouldn’t remember anything. It would be dead. 

He laughed.

He had some apprehension though. Not about the morality of killing kids, just – what if his boss had second thoughts? Would he be in trouble later if Jin Guangyao regretted it after the fact? 

Eh, no. 

What was he thinking? It wasn’t like that guy was capable of remorse. 

It would’ve been great if Xue Yang could have just stabbed the thing in its bed. He didn’t really want to touch it. Kids made him feel gross. Especially the soon-to-be-dead ones. Why did they have to be so fragile and squishable? Like bugs. It was creepy. 

Jin Guangyao had told him to set up some hyperspecific set of circumstances to frame some politician for the death. Two birds, one stone, or whatever. Xue Yang had already forgotten the instructions. Chaos was more his thing. But if he didn’t at least make some illusion of an attempt to follow the plan he would end up getting bitched at. He just wasn’t sure how to kidnap it without making it cry. Usually if his victims were too loud he could just threaten to cut out their tongues when they didn’t shut up, but he had no idea what age these things started to understand human speech. He shrugged and pulled a candy out of his pocket. Seemed to work for those white van people. 

“Hey, psst.” 

The kid’s face scrunched up and its eyes blinked open. 

“Candy? Want a candy? Yum!” He crinkled the packet. 

Its eyes widened and its mouth fell open. 

“Wait! Wait. Don’t you dare fucking scream. I’m uh, I’m just the candy monster! Do you wanna come to candyland with me?” 

It didn’t respond, but at least it wasn’t screaming yet. Xue Yang unwrapped the candy and shoved it in the kid’s mouth. 

“Come on, we better go quick! The baby-eating monster was right behind me, and you won’t like him nearly as much as me.” He grabbed another candy, holding it out like bait.

When the kid didn’t follow he grabbed its hand and dragged it along instead. “You’re only hurting yourself if you don’t follow me, y’know. I am not a baby, so it is not like the baby-eating monster is gonna wanna eat me. You on the other hand…” 

He was surprised when that worked. The kid started trying to keep up with him. At this rate he wouldn’t even need to kill the nanny. Boring. He could hear her watching late-night television in the other room. When they passed the doorway, he saw she had even fallen asleep on the couch. The kid she was supposed to be taking care of was being absconded with, off to his death, and she was napping. Typical. 

Song Lan wanted to slam his head against the desk.

His coworkers would probably be concerned though. 

Would anyone notice if he took the stapler to his hand? 

Xingchen interrupted his intrusive thoughts, placing a cup of black coffee down on the desk in front of him. It was always a nice gesture, even though the police station coffee was abysmal. Xingchen didn’t do caffeine so he had no idea. Song Lan was always too polite to mention it, so by that point he was starting to get immune to the awful flavor. 

“Stop torturing yourself, new evidence won’t appear just because you stared at the files long enough.” 

Xingchen was his best friend, but sometimes Song Lan wished he would learn to mind his own business. 

“What if I overlooked something? All it takes is one detail.” 

“You? Overlook something? Impossible. Sometimes all the puzzle pieces just aren’t in the box.” 

Song Lan resisted the urge to roll his eyes, taking a sip of bad coffee instead. “One slip up from him is all I need.” 

“Who?” 

“You know who.” 

“Xue Yang? You’re still on that?” Xingchen looked sympathetic.

It pissed him off. 

Which made him feel like a horrible person, he knew his partner was only trying to help.

“I know he’s behind all this. I just need to find the evidence.” 

“Have you considered why you’re so sure about him, when you don’t have the evidence?”

“That guy is a psychopath, I can feel it.” 

“He seems like a charming young man to me. You can’t discriminate based on nothing but a gut feeling.” 

Song Lan took off his glasses to rub his eyes. “You don’t understand.”

“You’re lucky he hasn’t filed a complaint to the department about you.”

“He wouldn’t do something that would draw legal attention towards him.” 

“You know your obsession isn’t helping anyone,” Xingchen put a hand on his shoulder. “and neither is you being sleep deprived. Go home.” 

He brushed Xingchen’s hand away, trying not to make an unpleasant face. He wasn't obsessed. Just correct. But he didn’t want to come across as defensive, it would be taken like an admission of guilt. 

He gave a compliant nod. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Song Lan downed his coffee in one big gulp, leaving the station, but not headed towards home. 

“What the fuck was I supposed to do after step one?” 

“Why are you calling me at this number?” Jin Guangyao’s tone was pleasant, which meant he was furious. 

“Chill out, it’s a burner phone.” 

“I will still have this unexplained call in my history.” 

“Spam.” 

“I have stayed on the line with you too long already for anyone to believe this was a spamcall.” 

“You pass as the type of guy who would be too polite to hang up on a spamcaller.”

A disgruntled sigh came through the phone. “What do you want?” 

“Listen, it is not my fault you made the plan so convoluted. Did you actually expect me to remember it?” Xue Yang twirled his hair around his finger, impatient.

He glanced down at the kid while Jin Guangyao explained the plan just as boringly as the first time – only it wasn’t there. “Shit.” 

“What is it now?” 

“Nothing, your plan sucks though. I’m just gonna throw him in the river or something. Bye.” 

“If you don’t-” 

Xue Yang hung up and took the battery out of the phone. “Where did you go, little brat?” He had only looked away for a second. 

Ten minutes with a toddler and already he lost it. He was too gay for this shit, he wasn’t made to produce young. 

“Come out or the monster is going to get you.” He peaked behind a dumpster – nothing. “Kid?”

Shit.

He was panicking. 

He hated panicking.

He would rather get stabbed. 

Shiiiit.

There was an ear-splitting scream.

He ran towards it. It hadn’t really sounded like the kid though.

“He bit me.” Some old aunty screeched. 

The kid stumbled over to Xue Yang and hid behind his leg. 

“Are you the father? This brat bit me.” She brandished her purse at him accusingly. 

“Well, what did you do to make him bite you, creepy old bat?" 

“I was just trying to help – I’m bleeding – He was wandering around in the dark. So irresponsible.” She whinged. 

Xue Yang considered just killing her, but it might freak out the kid so he put on a mock upset face instead. “You were trying to kidnap my kid! A pervert! Someone call the cops!” He yelled just loud enough to freak her out, but not enough to actually draw attention. 

She fled, pathetically cradling her bite as if it was a real injury. 

Xue Yang grabbed the kid’s hand. “Are you stupid? Don’t wander off down a dark alley at night. Where’s your self-preservation instinct?” 

“‘M sorry.” The kid mumbled.

Xue Yang jumped. “Oh, you, uh, speak? Well, good job biting her I guess.” 

The kid bared his teeth. Xue Yang wasn’t sure if he was smiling or trying to threaten him. Either way, he rewarded him with another candy. 

He had to exhale a deep breath. His heart was pounding. He noticed his own absurdity and giggled. What was he worried about? He was about to kill this kid, what did it matter if he got hurt? The brat sucked on his candy, oblivious. Xue Yang squeezed his hand tighter. 

And tighter. 

Until he finally started to look upset and try to get away. 

It felt less like a betrayal if the kid hated him. He shouldn’t be running to hide behind Xue Yang’s leg when he was scared. 

“It’s nothing personal, y’know. You just got stuck with a fucked up dad. If it was up to me I wouldn’t kill you.” 

Xue Yang needed to stop thinking too much and get back to the plan – whatever that was. Something about framing someone. Ugh. Lame.

“If it was up to me” Xue Yang sing-songed. “Hey, you know what? It totally is! Want to do something else? I’m bored.” 

Rusong’s enthusiastic nod was enough to seal his fate. 

Song Lan tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. 

Xue Yang still wasn’t home – off from his usual routine. 

If you could call what he did a routine. He never kept regular hours, but he was predictable in some things. One of which was not being out too late. It wasn’t something Song Lan expected from his type. Whatever ‘his type’ was. Maybe Song Lan was biased after all. Or was Xinchen just getting in his head? If he ever found out about Song Lan’s habit of off-duty stake-outs at this particular suspect’s apartment he would probably book him an appointment with a counselor. Xingchen would understand though, when Song Lan finally got the proof. 

Xue Yang’s apartment had outside entry. It made it easy to keep track of his comings and goings. You could see his front door from the street. It wasn’t like Song Lan was trespassing. And he had seen a lot of suspicious activity since he started his habit of dropping by after work. Nothing indisputably incriminating, Xue Yang was careful, but how long could he keep this persona going? He would crack eventually and Song Lan would be there. 

He wasn’t wrong about him. 

Everyone else just needed to catch up. 

There was a knock on his driver’s-side window. 

He jolted. 

Xue Yang waved, an obnoxious grin plastered on his face. Song Lan cracked the window. 

“Really, big guy, out here again?” 

“Why do you have a child?” 

“Baby-sitting.” He said flippantly, readjusting his grip on the toddler in his arms. 

“Whose is it? You don’t have any family.” 

“And how would you know that? This is honestly starting to get concerning. Do I need to file a restraining order?” 

“If you were genuinely worried you wouldn’t look so smug.” 

Xue Yang shrugged, not dropping the irritating fake smile. “Well, it is pretty funny watching you waste your time.” 

He flounced off before Song Lan had a chance to respond. 

“Have a good night, officer.” he yelled sarcastically over his shoulder. 

The child was suspicious – but was it too suspicious? 

Even a psychopath like Xue Yang wouldn’t be able to look so unconcerned while doing something so extremely illegal right in front of a cop, would he? Despite appearances, the man must have at least one friend. Babysitting wasn’t that strange. Song Lan decided to call it a night. He was being ridiculous. 

His police scanner crackled to life. “We’ve got an APB out on a missing child. Jin Rusong, abducted from his home approximately an hour ago-”

It didn’t occur to Song Lan that he should have called for backup until he was already pounding on Xue Yang’s door. It burst open. Xue Yang looked decidedly more flustered than he had minutes before. 

“Oh, it’s just you. What do you want?” 

“Put your hands behind your head and get down on the ground.” 

“Oh for fucks sake. Can you come back later?”

Song Lan glared at him. “Get down on the ground. Now.” 

“Come on! What for?”

“Kidnapping.” 

“I told you, I’m baby-sitting.” 

Song Lan shoved him face-first into the wall. “You’re under arrest.”

“What the fuck? Get off me, asshole.” Xue Yang struggled.

There was a pain in Song Lan’s leg. He looked down. The child was biting him. He wasn’t trained for this situation. 

“Do you know this man?” He tried asking. 

The kid didn’t respond beyond continuing his assault. 

“Is your name Jin Rusong?”

“Did that piece of shit seriously call the cops on me? I’m being framed. Whatever he says is complete crap.” 

“You should watch your language around children.” 

Xue Yang laughed. “Fucking arrest me about it, motherfucker.” 

“It’s not a crime.” 

Xue Yang’s forehead thumped against the wall. “No shit? Better let me go then.” 

“Abduction is.” 

“His dad literally told me to take him, this is bullshit!” 

“Then why has he been reported missing?” 

“He’s trying to get me in trouble! I didn’t do anything wrong. This kid would be dead if it wasn’t for me.” 

He shoved Xue Yang harder against the wall. “Shut up. Don’t try to talk your way out of this. I’m not interested.” 

The child finally released his leg, only to start wailing. 

Song Lan grimaced. “Can you make it stop?” 

“You expect me to do you any favors?” Xue Yang laughed. 

Song Lan could feel the movement of it every place they were pressed together. It made his skin crawl. He needed to get promoted to a desk job. He wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing. He tried to put the handcuffs on Xue Yang, who irrationally attempted to wriggle away. 

“Stop making things difficult.” 

“You’re the one making things difficult, dickwad. Let me go.”

“Not going to happen.” 

The toddler clung to Xue Yang’s leg screeching. 

“Look, wait – You’re gonna get this kid killed if you bring us in! Just listen to me for a second.” 

Something in the way he said it gave Song Lan pause. It almost sounded sincere. He didn’t think Xue Yang was capable. 

“Fine. I’m listening.” 

Xue Yang went silent. 

Song Lan tightened one of the cuffs with a click. 

“Jin Guangyao hired me to kill his son.” 

Was this another of Xue Yang’s manipulations? Song Lan’s usual alarm bells weren’t going off, but would he ever actually be that honest? 

“If so, why is he not dead? Did I interrupt?” 

“I wasn’t really gonna do it.” 

“Cold feet? Is a child not the same as all the adults you’ve killed? Don’t tell me you have a conscience.” 

Xue Yang snorted. “The little ones grow up to be just as shitty as the big ones. Anyway, stop trying to pretend like you have something on me, we both know you’ve got nothing.”

“You just admitted to being a contract killer. You’ve got a missing child inside your apartment.”

“I’ll give you everything I’ve got on Jin Guangyao if you let me go.” 

“You’ve already said enough to incriminate the both of you.”

“You’re going to need way more than that to convict him.”

“I’ll settle with you for the moment.”

“That would be a big fucking mistake.”

“He can’t be any worse than you.” 

“You think so?” Xue Yang cackled and something about it sent a chill down Song Lan’s spine. “He owns half the cops on the force, and all the local judges. If you give that kid back to him he is as good as dead. A-Yao will probably arrange to have me shanked in lock-up as well, not that you give a shit if I live or die, but I won’t be able to testify against him. You’d have nothing but a dead baby on your conscience."

“You’re lying.” 

“Ha! Here I was thinking you were psychic or some shit, always seeing through me. But no, you were just biased. Now that I am actually telling the truth you don’t even notice. Boring.” 

It wasn’t like Song Lan had never been suspicious of certain officers. And he knew the justice system was corrupt. He and Xingchen had noticed when certain people went free who shouldn’t have, things slipping between the cracks which should have been high priority, all the missing evidence. The worst thing about all of this was how believable it was.

“Prove it. Call and convince him to say something incriminating.” 

“Need my hands for that.” He grinned, wiggling his fingers where they were distressingly close to areas Song Lan did not want him touching. 

They had started to turn red from lack of circulation. Song Lan had the inexplicable urge to rub them to increase bloodflow. Obviously he did not do that. He reached into Xue Yang’s pocket. Xue Yang made an annoyingly suggestive face. Song Lan hated when people did that. It was not even funny the first time, and he had to frisk people regularly, so it certainly wasn’t funny on the hundredth repetition. They were just making an innocent interaction more awkward than it had to be. And the implication that Song Lan wasn’t being professional was offensive. 

He turned on the phone and a bunch of missed calls from the same number popped up on the lockscreen. He used Xue Yang’s thumb to unlock the phone and call back, with speaker on. 

Song Lan had only encountered the infamous Jin Guangyao a handful of times. He was involved in politics and business, and had come by the station a few times to campaign. It was enough that he could recognize the voice that came through the phone. 

“Chengmei, what is going on?” 

“Didn’t I tell you I wanted a better codename than that?”

“Just answer the question.”

“I tossed the kid in the river. He’s taken care of, no worries.” 

“Why did I trust you to do this job correctly?” 

“You didn’t, I was just the only one you thought was crazy enough.” 

“Evidently I was correct in that regard.” 

“Evidently. So, I heard you called the cops? What the fuck?” 

“I’m covering for your ineptitude.” 

“Oh really? And how are you gonna spin that? I’m the fucking patsy?” 

“If you’ve done your job properly there won’t be any need for that. Anyway, I can’t keep talking about work right now. If you haven’t heard, my son was kidnapped. There are a number of very helpful police officers around right now who deserve my full attention. We’ll talk another time.” The call ended.

“How was that? Incriminating enough for ya?” 

“We should have recorded that.” 

“You fucking weren’t? Shouldn’t you have a body-cam on?” 

“I’m off duty.” 

“Why am I in handcuffs then, fucking freak?” 

“Can you be quiet for a minute? I need to think.” 

“Take the cuffs off first. Or don’t and I will tell the kid to start screaming again.” 

Song Lan somehow hadn’t noticed he had stopped. He needed to get it together. Truthfully, he had never made a very good cop. He was terrible at managing his anxiety. Probably the only reason he hadn’t been fired already was because it didn’t show much on his face. 

Removing the handcuffs would be a terrible idea. Xue Yang was a hitman. Still, Song Lan wasn’t naive. He knew there were much worse monsters out there. Something which he had always tried to keep in mind in life was that it was much more useful to focus on small problems. Ones that you actually had the power to fix, rather than getting overwhelmed by big-picture impossible tasks. As a cop he could do a lot of good, but he knew he wasn’t saving the world or anything. Catching an active hitman would be the highlight of his career. Taking down a corrupt political figure was beyond his paygrade. Was he an egoist to believe such a thing might have just been moved onto his list of achievable goals? This was Xue Yang manipulating him. He must have profiled him, knew the idea would appeal to him… But Jin Guangoyao was involved. That part wasn’t a lie. He had political and financial power, and if he was willing to hire a hitman to kill his own son, what else could he be doing? This was bigger than Xue Yang. The big problems had to fall on someone, and he was in exactly the right place at the right time. 

“Don’t try anything stupid.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it, buddy.” 

“We’re not-”

“We so totally are. We are teaming up, bud!” 

Song Lan was too exhausted to argue. He uncuffed Xue Yang. 

“Don’t be so rough next time.” He pouted, rubbing his wrist. 

“Shut up. You said you would be quiet.”

“Oh, right.” He mimed zipping his mouth and scooped up the kid. 

The silence lasted all of five seconds before Xue Yang started whispering. “Hey, kid. Are you hungry? What do babies eat? Milk? Probably milk, right? I have strawberry milk, want some?” He tip-toed conspicuously away. 

As much as Song Lan would have liked a minute to himself he didn’t feel comfortable letting them out of his sight, so he followed to the kitchen. Xue Yang poured a disgusting sugary beverage into a glass. It looked like Pepto Bismol. He topped it off with a ridiculous curly straw. It took Song Lan a few deep breaths to ward off the impending sense of derealization from what he was witnessing. Xue Yang held the straw to Rusong’s mouth. Song Lan wanted to stop him. This seemed like child abuse somehow. He had to remind himself lots of people gave garbage like that to their kids. They had bigger issues to worry about than malnutrition. 

“You’re offering to become a police informant?” 

“You don’t have to put it like that, ew.” 

“You either are or you aren’t.” 

“Yeah, fine, whatever. I will be your rat if you let me keep the kid. But this is just between you and me. Don’t get anyone else involved, they can’t be trusted.” 

“That would be extremely illegal.” 

“As if cops care about what’s legal.” 

Song Lan wanted to argue, but if what Xue Yang had said about Jin Guangyao owning half the force was true, he didn’t really have a leg to stand on. 

“What do you even want with the kid? What are you going to do with him? Not only is it illegal, but it would be completely immoral to leave him with you.” 

“I’m an upgrade from where he was before, bastard.” 

“You didn’t answer the question.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Xue Yang.” 

“What? Can’t I just have good intentions? I’m a nice guy.” 

Song Lan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nothing about this is a good idea.” 

If they took him to social services of course they would immediately figure out who he was and send him back to Jin Guangyao. Song Lan didn’t have any family to leave the child with. He couldn’t take him himself, he was terrible with children and at work all the time. 

“Xiao Xingchen.” 

“You want to involve him in this? That goody two-shoes?” 

“He adopted a child from another case. He is already a parent, and has a great work-life balance. He’d be ideal.” 

“No.”

“Why not?” 

Xue Yang suddenly wouldn’t look him in the eye. “He’ll mess things up. He’ll tell on us.” 

“No he won’t, he’ll understand the severity of the situation. I trust him with my life.” 

“Well. I don’t. I said I’d agree if I get to keep the kid, not if you start handing him off to your friends.”

“You genuinely want to? Why?” Song Lan was baffled by that point.

“What does it matter? I’m not gonna hurt him or anything.” 

“Selling him into human trafficking counts as hurting him, even if you don’t physically do anything.” 

“Shut the fuck up. Obviously. I said I am not going to hurt him, so I won’t.” 

“You are a psychopath. You won’t convince me you actually care about his wellbeing. What is your game here?” 

Xue Yang giggled. “Alright, you caught me. Since I am unemployed after this I was just thinking I could use him to beg, the cute kids really rake in sympathy points on the street. If I chop off his legs, or gouge his eyes out even better. The disabled ones are especially pitiful. Throw in a cute puppy and I am set for life.” 

“You’re being facetious?” 

“You’re being an asshole.” 

“Be honest with me. I promise to believe you this time.” Song Lan said, though he wasn’t sure he could follow through. 

“I don’t fucking know, okay? I’m not a scientist.”

Song Lan made sure to channel all his exasperation into it when he said “What?”

“Just like – he was there, then he wasn’t, then he was again, and I was like – whatever, doesn’t matter. He just did some baby mind-control thing, being all helpless and stuff. He messed with my mammal brain and set off some sorta parental instinct? Babies do that. It’s true. I saw it on TV once.”

Song Lan had had enough. 

There were no good options. 

No ideas. He felt trapped. 

If he didn’t figure out something to do soon a panic attack was imminent. He needed time to think. He wasn’t proud of giving up, but he was so exhausted he couldn’t take it anymore. And he could almost convince himself Xue Yang’s nonsense meant he actually cared about the kid. 

“I will leave him with you for one night. If you manage to keep him alive for that long I’ll consider extending it. Try to leave town, or hurt him in any way, and I will hunt you down and kill you. Tomorrow we will regroup and figure out a strategy for dealing with Jin Guangyao. Good night.” 

He didn’t even wait for whatever self-satisfied response Xue Yang would give him, just made a b-line out the door. 

It was raining. 

It was nice – grounding. 

He headed home and hoped he wouldn’t have blood on his hands by the morning. 

He didn’t. But a few weeks later he would. Xue Yang’s blood. 

And a decade after that, Rusong would storm out of Song Lan’s apartment and yell a final goodbye of “I wish you were never my dad! Xue Yang would have made a way cooler one if he was still alive. It’s not fair I ended up with you instead! It was all your fault he died! I hate you!”

Then he ran out into the street and was hit by a car, and Song Lan had his blood on his hands as well.

Rusong stared up at a ceiling. There were glow-in-the-dark stars. He didn’t have anything like that in his room. Why was he on someone else’s floor? Was this what it was like to have a hang-over?

He sat up. 

A toddler. 

Cute. 

He was hugging a stuffed bear, fast asleep. 

Rusong was pretty sure he didn’t have a hang-over. In fact, he vaguely remembered getting hit by a car. Did whoever hit him bring him home with them to heal? That was nice of them. Actually that would kind of be kidnapping, never mind. If you hit someone with your car you should call an ambulance, not take them to your house. The sound of footsteps from the hall had Rusong instinctively lunging for the closet. Through the slats in the door he could see a man sculk in and hover over the crib. 

“Hey, psst.” He whispered. “Candy? Want a candy? Yum! Wait! Wait. Don’t you fucking dare start screaming. I’m uh, I’m just the candy monster! Do you wanna come to candyland with me?”  

Having no context for where he was, this could very well have been true. Rusong had the vague recollection that he had died. Maybe that was a silly thing to think, since he felt fine, other than not knowing where he was, but could there be kids’ bedrooms and candy monsters in the afterlife? Was he in some sort of candy monster hell-dimension? Yikes.

The candy monster pulled a sweet from his pocket and fed it to the toddler. “Come on, we better go quick! The baby-eating monster was right behind me, and you won’t like him nearly as much as me.” He waved another candy over the kid’s head like he was trying to lure an animal. “You’re only hurting yourself if you don’t follow me, y’know. I am not a baby, so it is not like the baby-eating monster is gonna wanna eat me. You on the other hand.” 

Rusong was relieved. In that case, he was probably safe from the baby-eating hell monster too. As long as there weren't any teen-eating monsters lurking around he was fine. When the man turned to leave Rusong got a look at his face. He was definitely in the afterlife. That man was dead already. 

Xue Yang. 

The person who had saved Rusong’s life. 

The one who had almost been his dad once upon a time.

Did he continue to save other kids in the afterlife? 

What a nice guy. 

He had left by that point. Rusong stumbled out of the closet. 

The toddler had forgotten his plushie. Rusong felt sorry for it, being abandoned. What if the baby-eating monster ate stuffed animals when it couldn’t find a baby? He grabbed it before chasing after them. He caught a glimpse as they headed out the front door and tried to follow, but tripped and knocked over a vase. 

“Mr Jin,” a woman glanced at him, bleary eyed, from the couch. “I thought you said you’d be out late? What are you doing back already?” 

“Eh?” Rusong responded. 

“Was your event canceled?” 

“Uh no. I am just going back out?” 

“Don’t tell me you forgot your wallet again? How can someone with so much responsibility get away with being this absent-minded?" She chuckled. 

Responsibility? Did he have responsibilities in the afterlife? Like what? Haunting places? Scaring people? Watching over his descendants? He didn’t have any, so obviously not that. But how did she know his last name was Jin?

“Um, yep. Anyway, bye now.” He ran away.

The afterlife looked surprisingly similar to normal life. All the cars were ugly old models though. Possibly they were the ghosts of old cars that got sent to scrap?  

Xue Yang was nowhere to be seen. He had lost him. Just great, now what? He was just wandering down the sidewalk with a teddy bear. If any of the other ghosts saw him they would think he was so weird. He pulled out his phone and checked the map, which somehow worked in the afterlife. Everything was the same. Even his house was still there, and wasn’t too far away. Would he find his Dad there? Could he haunt him? Song Lan probably wouldn’t believe in ghosts even if he saw one right in front of him, putting their feet up on the coffee table, and he hated when people did that. There was one other place he could go.

 He knew exactly where it was – his Dad always got awkward and tense whenever they drove by it – Xue Yang’s old apartment. Where else would his ghost be?

There was a car parked outside Xue Yang’s place that looked just like his dad’s old car. Rusong peered in for the nostalgia, and jumped when he realized it was occupied. He tried to look away fast enough that it wouldn’t look like he was being a creep, which almost caused him to not even notice who was sitting in the car. 

He looked different. 

Rusong needed to reassess where he was, a younger version of his dad definitely didn’t belong in an afterlife dimension. He went to a nearby bus stop and tried to look inconspicuous while he panicked. 

“Am I a time traveler?” 

He observed his dad from the corner of his eye. Song Lan was too busy watching Xue Yang’s apartment to notice he was being monitored also. 

“Wait, this is so cool.” 

If he was in the past, would he be able to change things? 

He could save Xue Yang’s life, just like the man had done for him! 

The gods, or whatever, obviously wanted Rusong dead ever since he was a baby. He had been doomed from the beginning. His biological father was crazy. It took years of pestering to get it out of him, but Song Lan had eventually admitted that Rusong’s bio-dad had ordered him to be killed. But Xue Yang saved his life. Then ended up dead instead. Rusong always felt like the man must have cursed himself by helping him. Like fate needed an equal exchange, or something. Then, like an idiot, Rusong just went and died anyway. Xue Yang’s sacrifice was for nothing. He must have gotten sent back through time to even the score. This time Xue Yang would live. It all made sense. Or maybe it didn’t. He had kinda thought the candy monster thing made sense too, so maybe he didn’t have the best grasp on reality at that moment. 

Xue Yang strolled down the sidewalk, carrying what Rusong now knew to be a younger version of himself. He watched him spot Song Lan’s car. A scary expression crossed his face for a split second, then he plastered on a smile and knocked on the car window. 

They started to talk about something. Rusong couldn’t hear what, but his dad looked mad about it. Xue Yang wasn’t matching his energy. If anything he looked more like he was flirting. Rusong didn’t know why his dad was being so mean. He was a jerk sometimes, but he didn’t usually get really angry. And this was Xue Yang, the guy who saved his adopted son’s life! How dare he be rude to him? This must have been the first time his dad ever met his younger self too. He hardly even looked at Rusong. If he was really meant to be his dad shouldn’t they be having a moment? Wouldn’t he feel something?

Xue Yang went up to his place, and Song Lan followed shortly after. 

The last Rusong saw of them was his dad shoving Xue Yang inside and closing the door. 

Now what was he supposed to do?

It immediately started raining. 

Of course. 

That was just his luck.

He curled his knees up to his chest and waited. 

And waited. 

He didn’t think he should be left alone in the rain when he just experienced the whole ass trauma of dying, but what else was he supposed to do? No one who knew him existed properly yet. Just these weird past-self versions. 

When Song Lan exited the apartment, that vein was popping out in his forehead which meant he was super stressed. 

Rusong wanted to tell him ‘ don’t leave Xue Yang alone, it is dangerous. Don’t leave ME alone, I’m probably traumatized’, but he was just a stranger now. 

It would be weird if he even talked to him. 

Really, he wasn’t even his dad anymore. If Rusong managed to change things then he never would be. That was really strange to think about. His dad would never be his dad again. The version of his dad who was his dad ceased to exist. If he saved Xue Yang would Rusong fade from existence too? His whole childhood went down the way it did only because Xue Yang died. He would be a totally different person if he hadn’t. His entire consciousness might fade out of existence. 

Would that be so bad though? 

It was worth it if some alternate version of Xue Yang and himself got to be happy. Even if it wouldn’t really be him. He was basically dead already. Obviously he wasn’t meant to exist anyway. What did it matter what happened to him? It was scary, but he had already died, so whatever.

Anyway, everything was fine. 

Tonight wasn’t the night it happened. 

He still had so much time.

Rusong went up the stairs to Xue Yang’s apartment, considering what to do next. 

Could he just warn him? It all sounded ridiculous. No one would believe him if he told the truth. Maybe he could leave a threatening note so he would at least know someone was out to get him. 

Before he had the chance to think of a good idea the door swung open revealing a frantic-looking Xue Yang, holding Rusong’s sobbing younger self. He almost crashed right into him. 

“What the fuck are doing just standing there?” He yelled over the screaming child. 

“Nothing? Just standing.”

“In front of my door?” In his vague memories of Xue Yang, he always remembered him looking cheery and sweet, since when was he terrifying? 

“Nothing to do with your door! I’m just, um, out to get soy sauce.” 

The younger Rusong was still crying so the older Rusong held up his stuffed bear to him. It had gotten a bit damp from the rain, but not enough to bother the little Rusong. He quieted down as soon as the toy was in his grasp.

“Wow. You’re like the kid whisperer! How’d you do that?” 

“I babysat once?” 

“Can I hire you?” 

“What?” 

“You’re out here loitering in the rain, and you are like twelve. You’re some homeless runaway, right? I’ll give you a job.” 

“I’m actually fourteen.” 

“Same thing.”

“No it is-”

“Whatever, do you want a place to stay or not?” 

“You’re inviting me in?” 

“Not for free, you have to work.” He handed the child off to him and walked inside as if they had already made an agreement. 

That was easy. 

Xue Yang was such a philanthropist, he would rescue any young person in need. Rusong shouldn’t have been surprised. He followed him inside with a grin. Now all he needed to do was figure out how to save his life. He didn’t think he would make a good bodyguard. Maybe he could throw himself in front of the bullet, but then what if the guy just shot Xue Yang with another one right after? No, he needed a strategy. 

Growing up, Xiao Xingchen-shushu had told him stories about Xue Yang and his dad, and the one thing that always annoyed Rusong was that they had been separate when Xue Yang died. Song Lan was a cop, he should have been there to protect him. 

Runsong had always fantasized about how things could have been different. Shushu had a theory.  He always said his dad and Xue Yang had feelings for each other. Which was kind of gross to imagine, his dad never got in relationships, but Rusong always thought it was stupid they hadn’t just got married or something. Well, it wasn’t legal, but like, if they had been together at least, Xue Yang might have lived. Unfortunately his dad was too emotionally constipated to ever express his feelings, so he ruined everything and got Xue Yang killed. 

That would be step one of his plan: get them to confess to each other. 

He didn’t know what step two was, but he probably wouldn’t even need it. 

Things would work themselves out naturally after that. 

Operation Emotional Laxative commence. 

“He is still upset about something.” Xue Yang bounced the younger Rusong on his lap.

His living room had a subtle offness which hinted there was only surface-level quality to it. Like everything inside it was a mass-produced, cheapo product trying to mimic what people actually wanted, but when put to the test it couldn’t bear any weight. 

“Maybe he’s hungry?” Rusong suggested. 

“I just fed him milk.” 

“That is a drink, not food.”

“It is food for babies.”

“He’s not that small. He probably eats real food.” 

“Feed him then. You’re the babysitter.” 

“Right, sure. I can do that.” Rusong went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. 

There was nothing inside but moldy leftovers and energy drinks, so he tried the cupboards instead. He returned to his spot on the couch with a bag of gummy bears. Best he could do. 

“Here.” He dropped one into his younger self’s palm and was proud of himself when he ate it. 

The candy distracted him for all of five minutes before he started refusing it and looking sniffly again. 

“Shit, now what?” Xue Yang said, around a mouth full of gummy bears. “Doesn’t need a diaper change, does he?” 

Rusong winced. “I hope he is potty trained. Maybe he is just sad because he misses his mom or something?” 

Xue Yang played with the younger Rusong’s hair absently. “You sure understand kids.” 

Should he not? Was it suspicious for a normal, non-time traveling teenager? He didn’t actually know that much. He was going to blow his cover.  

“I am autistic.” He blurted. 

Usually saying that made neurotypicals uncomfortable enough to not question when he was being weird. He wasn’t sure if Xue Yang was the correct audience though. He didn’t seem like the ‘uncomfortable’ type. He wasn’t even sure he was listening to him. He didn’t acknowledge what he said. 

“Do you need to go potty?” He asked the kid. 

Rusong’s younger self started crying again. 

“Does that mean yes or no?” 

“No!” Said his younger self. 

“What do you want then?”

They tried everything. The bathroom, more candy, cartoons, cat videos, making dumb faces at him, reading, though Xue Yang didn’t own any books so they had to read him the label on the back of the gummy bears. It was unsurprising when that didn’t work. 

“Do you think we need more stuff?” Rusong asked. 

“Stuff?”

“Like toys and stuff.”

“He already has more toys than I had growing up.” Xue Yang gestured to Winnie the Pooh. 

“What about practical stuff?” 

“Eh. Sounds expensive.”

“Do you have any money?”

“Nope.”

“Me neither.”

“Lemme text my boss, he’s supposed to pay me for this.” Xue Yang pulled out his phone, and sent off a text before Rusong could figure out a way to convince him it was a bad idea. 

Assuming he was talking to who Rusong thought he was talking to. 

Xue Yang got progressively more pissed off the longer the text exchange went on, until he yelled “fucking cheapskate” in a scary tone of voice that made Little Rusong cry more.

“No on the money?” Rusong asked.

“Said I didn’t follow the instructions sufficiently so I don’t get paid.” 

“That doesn’t sound fair, you should quit.” 

“Yeah, no shit. If only my severance package wasn’t a bullet.” He said, as if that was a joke and not a premonition. 

His younger self wailed. He didn’t remember himself crying this much as a kid. 

“I wish my dad were here, he’d know what to do.” Rusong only realized after he said it that Xue Yang would have no idea who he was talking about. 

“What were you standing out in the rain for then? Maybe you should call him.”

“I can’t.” He totally wasn’t in a different time or anything. “We had a fight.” 

“So? Call and ask for parenting tips. You can pretend you knocked up some chick since you left home. It’d be funny.” 

“What about that guy that was here earlier? We could call him. He seems responsible?" 

Xue Yang raised an eyebrow. “What guy?” 

“I uh – I mean, I was outside earlier and saw some guy leaving here. I just thought he looked like the mature type who might know what to do with kids.”

“Oh, him.”  

“Was he your boyfriend?” 

“No way.” Xue Yang snorted, tossing another handful of gummy bears in his mouth. “Not in a million years.”

“You looked like you would make a cute couple.”

“I’m not that desperate.” Xue Yang huffed and smushed the cheeks of the screaming toddler. “Are you really gonna cry all night? Maybe I am that desperate actually.” He grabbed his phone again. “This is gonna be so embarrassing.” 

“You can do it.” Rusong encouraged. 

The phone rang for a long time before Song Lan picked up. 

“Heeysoooo, what do you know about kids?”

There was a pause. 

Rusong doubted it was because his dad was talking on the other side. He could just imagine the look on his face, scowling disapprovingly at the phone. 

“How do you make them stop crying?” Xue Yang asked. 

There was another long pause before Rusong could hear inaudible talking sounds start to come through the phone. 

“Already tried that – and that – yeah — we did that too – ‘we ’ as in me and the babysitter – yep, I got one. He isn’t very good, the baby is still crying – I just found him outside – no – it’s not – Listen, just come back here and help if you’re so concerned.” 

Xue Yang hung up the phone. “Ugh, he’s so annoying.” 

Rusong nodded in agreement, but at the same time he had never been so relieved at the possibility of seeing his dad. 

Song Lan showed up not long after, looking like he had yet to get any sleep that night either. 

“Who are you?” He asked Rusong, in the same tone of voice he used when he was about to ground him. 

“Um. Babysitter?” 

“Where did he find you?” 

“The bus stop?" 

“You don’t need to explain yourself to him.” Xue Yang interrupted, stepping in between them. “Stop interrogating him. I called you here to fix this.” He held up the sobbing toddler. 

“What were you thinking, inviting a random stranger in?” 

“He got him to stop crying for a minute, which is more than you’ve done.”

“Do you have no self-preservation instinct?”

“Stop worrying. He's just a kid.”

Song Lan dragged Xue Yang away and tried to switch to hushed whispering, but he was too angry to properly keep his voice down so Rusong could still hear them perfectly fine.

“Who does he remind you of?” Song Lan hissed.

“Right? They look exactly alike! It is like they are destined to be brothers. I’m gonna adopt them both.” 

“He looks identical to Jin Guangyao. They are probably related.” 

“I mean, have you ever heard about that guy’s father? Half the city is descended from him.” 

“He might be working for him!” 

“Y’know, I thought that at first, but after spending a few hours with him I don’t really get that vibe. And anyway, even if he is, better to keep him close so I can kill him before he reports back to A-Yao.” 

“Kill him?” Most people would have interpreted Song Lan’s tone as blank, but Rusong knew him well enough to tell he was upset. 

Rusong should probably have been himself, but the irony of traveling back in time, just to be killed by the guy who saved your life the first time was just too funny. Or maybe he was just too anxious to fit any new worries in his brain. 

“Only if he tries something.” Xue Yang muttered. “He’s fine though. I am a good judge of character.” 

“You can’t kill anyone, ever again, or I am arresting you.” 

“Excuse me? If we’re caught, your guys or mine, we’re fucking dead. I am not catering to your delusional moral code. Cops kill people all the time anyway. Don’t be a hypocrite.” 

Song Lan ignored him, looking over at Rusong. “What’s his name? I’ll look him up in the police datebase.”

“Dunno. Didn’t ask.”

“You didn’t ask his name?” The vein on his dad’s forehead was popping out again. 

“What does it matter? If he didn’t want me to know he would just lie.” 

Song Lan turned to Rusong. “Name.” 

His dad hadn’t been this mad at him since the time he snuck out to go to a party when he was twelve. 

“It’s uhhh” He was terrible at lying. 

Especially making up names. 

Usually he just looked at whatever was in his line of sight and used that as a name. 

That was how he named all his childhood stuffed animals anyway.

But ‘Coffee Table’ didn’t work.

Neither did ‘TV’.

And ‘Baby’ was a weird-ass name. 

And he was pausing too long. 

It was making him look even more suspicious. 

“Rusong.” Telling the truth was so suspicious that it looped back around to inconspicuous, because no one would be stupid enough to make up a lie like that, so obviously he was telling the truth, or something.

“What a coincidence.” Song Lan looked unimpressed.

Rusong slipped into a fake smile. “Why’s that?” 

“This kid is also called Rusong.” 

“Is he?” Xue Yang asked. “Cool. You guys are like twins.” 

“What twins have the same name, and are a decade apart in age?” Song Lan's lip twitched, not like he was about to smile but like he was about to snarl.

Xue Yang shrugged. “You know what I mean. So, what do we do about this baby?” 

“Did you try putting him to bed?” Song Lan asked.

Xue Yang and Rusong looked at each other. 

“Well, he can’t sleep if he is crying can he? You wanted us to just put him to bed when he was all upset?” 

“Did you even try? It is the middle of the night.” 

Xue Yang laughed. “Right. Makes sense. Lemme find a blanket.” 

After much searching he came back with a bath towel. 

“No.” Song Lan said. 

“Ugh fine, he can have my blanket. I’ll sleep with the towel.” Xue Yang rolled his eyes.

The threadbare hunk of fabric he grabbed out of his room may have just as easily been someone’s curtains he had salvaged from a dumpster. It didn’t look anything like a blanket. 

“This place is not fit for children.”

“We should all go to your house!” Rusong said, feeling homesick already. 

Song Lan looked like he would prefer literally any other option, but since there were none he nodded. 

“What, all of us?” Xue Yang looked baffled. 

“We’d be safer there.” Rusong said. 

“Safe from what?” Song Lan eyed Rusong distrustfully. 

“Well, he did say his boss wants to kill him or whatever.” 

“You told him that?” Song Lan looked like he’d had more than enough of this entire situation. 

“It was just a joke.” 

Despite the fact Rusong knew that he wasn’t a threat, he had to agree with his dad that Xue Yang had no self-preservation instinct. That or he was still considering killing everyone in the room. 

Song Lan rubbed his forehead like he was getting a headache. “We need a car seat.”

“What?” 

“We can’t drive to my place with a child in the car without a car seat.” 

“Pfft, seriously? He’s fine.”

“It’s unsafe.” 

“I’ll hold onto him.” 

“That’s illegal.”

Xue Yang cackled in response, and headed out the door. 

Rusong gave an awkward shrug. “We can pick one up tomorrow, it is only a short drive.” He realized he wasn’t supposed to know that, and stuttered out “p-probably. I dunno where you live.” before rushing after Xue Yang. 

It was odd, walking into a different version of the place he grew up. His dad wasn’t the type to rearrange, but he didn’t like when things got old and ratty either, so most of the furniture had been replaced by Rusong’s time. The changes were subtle, but enough to be disconcerting, jarring to his autopilot, keeping him acutely aware of every detail of his surroundings as if he was in a new place, not his home.  

“You drove so slowly it is practically morning. Is there even a point in going to bed now?” Xue Yang was trying to look nonchalant while nosily eyeing the apartment. 

“Why save the kid if you want to kill him in a car accident?”

“It’s actually the perfect plan, now that you mention it. Kill the kid in a cop’s car. Then you’d be forced to help me cover it up after.”

“I would not cover it up.”

“Yeah, sure. You’re too noble. You would force us all to turn ourselves in and be executed." Xue Yang’s cheerful act seemed to be waning the more sleep deprived he got, his tone was just sarcastic with none of the playfulness Rusong had been getting accustomed to. “At least this way I’ll be dragging you down with me. Mutually assured destruction and all that.” 

Song Lan didn’t dignify him with an answer, headed for what would become Rusong’s room. It was probably a spare bedroom in this time. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see inside. Didn’t want to confront the reality that none of his stuff existed yet. All his collectables, gone. If he was more normal maybe he would have been sad that all his friends didn’t know him yet. But he had none anyway. Not his fault. Everyone at his school just sucked. He did have some really cool pokemon cards though. And his gunpla collection… he worked so hard on those. 

Rusong whimpered like he was going to start crying again – The little Rusong. Big Rusong was not about to start crying over his figurines or anything – even if he kind of wanted to. Xue Yang rushed his younger self off to where Song Lan had gone, as if he had the answers to stop the crying. Maybe he did. 

Rusong wondered how Xue Yang’s night went the first time around, without anyone to help him. Had he ever convinced his younger self to stop crying, or were they up all night?

Rusong felt too awkward and suspicious standing there on his own, so he followed everyone else. He laughed when he saw the expression on his dad’s face in the spare room. He had no idea what he was doing either. How long would it take for him to figure it out and turn into that overbearing, stick-in-the-mud parent Rusong was used to? He was already on his way, as he managed to get Xue Yang and the toddler in bed before turning his attention onto Rusong.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be? Do you need me to call your parents?”

Rusong shook his head and hoped he wasn’t about to be kicked out in the rain again. Song Lan sighed and walked away. Rusong thought for a second that was it, but he came back with a spare pillow and blanket. 

“Sleep on the couch.” 

Rusong smiled and nodded. “Okay. Goodnight.”

He only realized when he didn’t get the usual response, that in the future his dad would always say goodnight to him, every night, even when Rusong was in trouble and he was mad at him. This version didn’t. 

Rusong woke to a whistling Xue Yang, creating a pile of sandwiches on the counter. His dad was not going to eat that, or accept it being called breakfast, but Xue Yang looked so excited that Rusong went and grabbed one to eat before his dad woke up. They were filled with strawberries and whipped cream, and looked more like dessert than a breakfast. Even more reason his dad wouldn’t like them. Xue Yang must have snuck out and bought the ingredients before anyone woke up. Song Lan would never have had bread or whipped cream in his fridge. Maybe the strawberries, but even that was unlikely. It was still early to have had time to go to the store. He wondered if Xue Yang had even bothered to sleep. He looked a bit manic, but it was hard to tell if that wasn’t just his usual face. Little Rusong was sitting on the counter next to him, and the silence was almost eerie compared to the racket he was making the night before. Rusong thought there might have been something wrong with him at first, but he looked happy enough, watching the sandwich making process. He was holding a triangle himself, but didn’t seem too bothered about eating it. 

“Oh hey, Ru.” Xue Yang grinned at him. “Sandwich?” 

“Did you know they sell premade ones? You can get them at the convenience store on the corner.” 

“Those are a total scam! There’s only ever filling at the edges, then you are eating empty bread the rest of the time.” He squirted chocolate syrup into the one he was making.

Hopefully for himself. 

No one else in the house was going to eat it. Rusong doubted even his toddler taste-preferences could stomach that much sugar. Maybe though. It might have been growing up with his dad that gave him a lower tolerance for sweet things. 

“Where’d you get all this anyway? I thought you said you had no money.” 

“Swiped the big guy’s wallet. Wanna go on a shopping spree after breakfast?” 

There was the sound of someone clearing their throat. 

Song Lan entered the room. 

Xue Yang didn’t look guilty at all. Had he heard him coming and only suggested it to tease him? Judging by the sandwich ingredients he didn’t mind spending someone else’s money without permission. To Rusong’s surprise Song Lan didn’t even complain about the unhealthyness of breakfast. Just made himself a coffee without acknowledging any of them. He must have been too stressed to even argue. He had probably been on the verge of a panic attack since the night before. He never did handle strangers in the apartment well, even under good circumstances. Hopefully Xue Yang would not drive him to snap. Though, he hadn’t started cleaning the oven yet, so maybe they were okay. That was always step one of his father’s mental breakdowns. Then came scrubbing the toilet. Then reorganizing the shelves. Then feeding stuff into the paper shredder. As long as he wasn’t there yet, they were safe. 

“Have a sandwich.” Xue Yang waved one in Song Lan’s face. 

He scowled in response. 

“C’mon, don’t be rude. At least try one.” 

“No, thank you.” 

Xue Yang rolled his eyes. “What? Pissy I wasn’t wearing a hazmat suit when I prepared it?” 

“I have no problem with germs.” Song Lan said. 

Xue Yang scoffed. “Please. You’re a total germaphobe.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re a shitty liar too. I know exactly what brand of loser you are. Lemme guess, you keep hand sanitizer on you at all times? And tissues wrapped in single-use packaging?” 

That was true, so Rusong was shocked when Song Lan took a bite out of the sandwich Xue Yang was brandishing in his face. Oddly contrarian. His older self didn’t do stuff like that. Was it that he grew out of that sort of spitefulness, or did he need Xue Yang to bring it out of him? Xue Yang looked offended, despite the fact he had successfully baited him into doing what he wanted. 

“If you aren’t a germaphobe, then what? You looked at me like I had the plague the first time we met. I didn’t even do anything. I just brushed up against you.” 

“It wasn’t about you personally.” Rusong explained. “He just doesn’t like touching.” Song Lan looked suspicious, and Rusong remembered he wasn’t supposed to know the details of his dad yet. 

Xue Yang rolled his eyes and bit into the sandwich right where Song Lan had left his tooth impression in some weird, germ-eating power move. Little Rusong seemed to think that meant that particular piece of sandwich must be the best if everyone wanted it, so he dropped his own on the floor and made a grab for the shared one. Xue Yang let him finish it.  

“So, when are we going shopping?” He chirped.

“Not we. He can’t go out without a car seat. Make a list and I’ll pick everything up.” 

“Boring. We should all go together. Everyone needs stuff. We have nothing but the clothes on our backs! You can’t mistreat your guests like this. Buy us stuff.” 

“Make a list. This child is an active missing person, we shouldn’t bring him out in public.” 

“We could make him look different. Should we dye his hair?” 

“I don’t know that much about kids,” Rusong inserted himself into the conversation, “but I am pretty sure you shouldn’t put hair dye on a baby.”

“It’ll be easy enough to disguise him.” Xue Yang pinched the little Rusong’s hair up into pigtails. “Look, he’s a girl.”

Rusong had a flashback to elementary school. 

“That doesn’t change the fact that we don’t have a car seat. Make a list.” 

“Okay, fine. You go out, pick up the car seat and some girl clothes, then come back and get us.” 

“That would be inefficient.” 

“You’re right. I’ll just carry him on my lap again, and we can change him into his disguise in the bathroom.” 

Song Lan shook his head, but gave up on getting his way. “I’ll go pick up a car seat and be right back.” 

“Shit, we should have asked him to pick up a change of clothes for us too. Been wearing these ones for like three days and I wanna shower. Do you think he would mind if I borrow something?” 

“Yes, he will definitely mind.” Rusong said, but Xue Yang seemed to be asking rhetorically, as he was already on his way into Song Lan’s bedroom. 

Rusong grabbed his younger self off the counter and they watched from Song Lan’s doorway guiltily. 

“He doesn’t keep any clothes in there.” Rusong informed him when Xue Yang started going through the bedside table. 

“Yeah, I know, I’m snooping. Boring though. Nasal spray and Tylenol. He doesn’t even have lube in here.” 

Ew, Rusong didn’t want to think about that. 

“Y’know, he seems like he has some personal space issues. I really don’t think he will be comfortable with you going through his stuff like this. You’re gonna get us kicked out.” 

“Eh, we can always go back to my place after. It is not like we really need his help.” 

“What if there are assassins?” 

“In my apartment?” Xue Yang snickered, oblivious to the danger he was really in. “If so I’ll take them out. Don’t worry about it.” 

“You’re not invincible. What if you get hurt?” 

Xue Yang gave an unbothered shrug, pulling a black button-up and a pair of dark wash jeans from the dresser and heading into Song Lan’s en suite to change. 

Rusong didn’t know what to do so he ate some more sandwiches with his younger self while they waited for his dad to get home. 

Song Lan was angry instantly when he walked in and found them unsupervised. “Where’s he?” 

Rusong didn’t want to confess because it would only piss him off more, but of course Xue Yang chose that moment to come out of Song Lan’s room, wearing his clothes, hair still damp from the shower. 

“Oh, finally you’re back. That took forever.” Xue Yang grabbed the shopping bag out of Song Lan’s hand. 

“Is that my shirt?” 

“Mine now, I licked it.” 

Song Lan clenched his jaw. “Don’t go in my room again.” 

“It’s too late now, I already contaminated everything.”

He switched his attention to rummaging through the plastic bag. All the toddler clothing Song Lan had bought was kitten themed. His dad was always more of a cat person. Not in the way where he let Rusong get a cat, just in that he refused to let him have a dog even more so. Xue Yang seemed to approve of the clothing choices, but didn’t want to praise Song Lan so he wasn’t commenting, just sorting the items into seemingly random piles which probably made sense to him. He picked out an outfit and once he was finished dressing him, little Rusong did look different enough he probably wouldn’t draw attention from anyone looking for him, with baubles in his hair and a kitten themed outfit that Jin Guangyao would have never been undignified enough to dress his child in. 

“We really should have made a list.” Song Lan repeated for the third time already on the drive. 

He loved lists. Rusong was used to it. Xue Yang wasn’t. 

He snorted. “Okay, Rusong One. What do you want on the list?”

“Which one of us is ‘Rusong One’?” 

“I dunno, I was just going to go with whoever answered to it first. We need to think of some nicknames.” 

“Nicknames make me uncomfortable.” Rusong said.

“Fine, you can be Rusong prime. The kid could be A-Song? Bleh, no. Ru? Ruru?” 

“No!” Little Rusong yelled from his new carseat. 

“What am I supposed to call you then?” 

“Rusong.” Little Rusong said knowledgably. 

“Well, sorry Ru-Prime, the kid has spoken. He is Rusong and you get to be Ruru instead.” 

“No.” Little Rusong said again.

“What? Then what do I call him?”

“No.” 

“That’s not really a name.” 

“No.” Little Rusong pouted. 

“Can we focus on the list?” Song Lan interrupted. 

“Fine. Ruru, what are we putting on the list?” 

“Like maybe a crib or something?” 

“Waste of money, he was fine in the big bed with me - wait. Actually, I just had a thought. Race car bed.” Xue Yang bounced in his seat. 

Song Lan sighed. “Some things we will need are toddler bed, step-up stool, more clothes, books, puzzles, sippy cups and other utensils –” 

“Okay, Siri. What do you need a list for if you already memorized everything?” 

“Adult clothes for the two of you, toothbrushes, we need to remember socks-”

“Stop! You’re taking all the fun out of it! Why’re you making it a chore?”

“It is a chore, and it would go much smoother with a list.”

“ You’re a chore! It’s a shopping spree, it’s supposed to be fun.”

Rusong grinned. 

Bickering from the front seat. 

He was really living the two-parent household dream.

“Look, they have matching pajamas!” 

Rusong was honestly getting a little embarrassed shopping with Xue Yang. There were things he could complain about when it came to his dad, but at least he didn’t draw attention to himself in public places. Xue Yang, on the other hand, did not even lower his voice, if anything he talked louder, and about everything that caught his eye. 

Song Lan kept a surprisingly straight face, but Rusong bet he was embarrassed too, especially when Xue Yang held some cartoon character pajamas up to his chest to see if they were the right size. He shoved them away, but Xue Yang was not dissuaded. He tossed them into the cart, coming for Rusong next. Rusong wondered if the choice of character meant something. He had picked Hello Kitty for Song Lan. Definitely seemed intentional to tease him, they were all cutesy and pink. But was there a deeper meaning behind Mickey Mouse for Rusong? What was Mickey Mouse’s thing? He was pretty generic, and the pajamas were just plain black. Did that mean Xue Yang thought Rusong was boring? He watched them get thrown in the cart bitterly. He would have rather had the Lilo and Stitch ones, but he was too disappointed Xue Yang didn’t choose them for him himself to say that. Baby Rusong got Winnie the Pooh, unsurprisingly, very personalized. But Mickey Mouse? Very impersonal. When he wasn’t a cute baby it seemed neither one of his parental figures ever paid much attention to him. Though considering his biological father wanted him dead, he should have been grateful for what he got, yet there he was getting upset over something so stupid. He was so immature and annoying, and it was no wonder they didn’t like him. He wanted to try to sneak his pajamas out of the cart when no one was looking. 

“Hey, this is nice. Let’s get this.” Xue Yang said, wandering into a display room. 

“There is no living room furniture on the list. Don’t get sidetracked.”

“Maybe we should just move in here. Look, Ruru, this is our new house.” 

“Don’t tell him that. I am sure he is confused enough with his situation as it is.”

Xue Yang plopped down on the display couch. “Get out of our house or I’m calling the cops.” 

“I am the cops.”

Xue Yang snickered. “Arrest those people then, they are trespassing!” He pointed to some random shoppers, minding their own business in the display kitchen. 

They gave him a confused look and Rusong was embarrassed again. 

Song Lan sighed. “Can we get back to shopping?”

“You’re so boring.” 

Song Lan’s phone rang and he went down an empty aisle to answer it. Xue Yang took off with the cart, and started throwing stuffed animals in it the minute he was unsupervised. Rusong followed. He picked up a random plushie and presented it to Xue Yang. 

“What about this one?” 

Xue Yang pulled a face. “No. Definitely not.” 

He put it back on the shelf dejectedly. He tried to figure out the pattern of which ones Xue Yang liked, but there was no connecting the dots. A purple googly-eyed monster one minute, a pink fluffy hamster the next, a plain teddy bear, there was no rhyme or reason. Rusong couldn’t tell what was wrong with the one he had picked. He thought it was cute. Maybe it was just because he had picked it that Xue Yang didn’t like it. 

Song Lan caught up to them. “I need to run to work. We have to pay.” 

“What? We hardly got any of the stuff on your stupid mind-list. We can’t leave now.” Xue Yang swerved the cart around in an erratic way which little Rusong seemed to enjoy, riding in it. 

“We can come back later.” 

“Just leave us your credit card. You can pick us up when you’re done.” 

“You’re a criminal, you want me to leave you with my credit card?” 

Xue Yang grinned. “I am gonna keep holding you hostage here until you do.” 

Song Lan shot an anxious glance towards the exit. He pulled out his wallet and handed the card to Rusong. Not something he would have done under normal circumstances, not even the future version of him with the Rusong he knew, so just how at-his-wits-end must he have felt to give it to this Rusong?

“How come he gets it? He could be a worse criminal than me, for all you know.” Xue Yang whined, but Song Lan was already walking away. “I know he doesn’t trust me, but you are like twelve. This is unfair.” 

“I’m fourteen. Don’t insult me.” 

“You call that an insult? Back in my day they called kids annoying little shits and beat them with belts. You’re lucky if the worst thing you get called is twelve. Sounds like you had a good thing going wherever you came from.” 

“My dad knows how old I am, that is not the issue.” 

“What is?” Xue Yang didn’t look like he particularly cared to hear the answer as he browsed the shelves. 

Rusong tried to think of something he could say that wouldn’t sound awkward and pathetic. “He’s a control-freak. He never lets me do anything.” 

“Like what?” 

“I dunno, just whatever?” 

“If you don’t even know what, how do you know he won’t let you do it?”

“I do know. I just mean like – lots of things.” 

Xue Yang showed off a sippy-cup to little Rusong, then tossed it in the cart. Rusong suddenly couldn’t think of an example that didn’t make him sound entitled, but they existed, he just couldn’t think of them right on the spot. 

“A puppy.” He cringed, that one definitely sounded spoiled, but he had already committed to saying it so he couldn’t stop. “He never let me get a puppy. I know not everyone gets a puppy, but what if dogs are like your favorite thing, and you memorized all the dog breeds to convince him you would be a responsible pet owner, but he still wouldn’t let you get a puppy after you got your hopes up thinking it might work? That is a really formative life experience, having a puppy, y’know, if you really like dogs. Like, I bet you will let Rusong get a puppy one day, right?” 

“Holy shit. Yeah, we should totally get a puppy. We’re going to the pet store after this.”

“Wha – now?” 

“What do you think the credit limit is on that thing? Probably a lot, right? He seems like the type to have good credit.” 

“Just because it is there doesn’t mean we should use it, we will make him broke.”

“Exactly, that is half the fun. Drag him down to our level!” 

“I don’t think it is a good idea. And I didn’t mean right now. I meant in a few years or something.” 

“For all you know we could be dead tomorrow, why wait?” 

“I mean – I guess?” Not tomorrow exactly, but like, pretty soon. 

His dad was going to be so pissed. 

“Which one should we get?” Xue Yang peered through the pet store window. 

He looked ridiculous with the amount of bags he was holding. He must have been very strong to carry it all. Rusong had half as many bags and was struggling to keep up with him. And he was pushing the stroller they had gotten, mostly to carry the huge box containing the toddler-sized racecar bed. 

Two balls of fluff played in the pet store window. They looked like some sort of poodle mix, so cute they barely looked real. They could pass for one of the stuffed animals they had bought that day. Maybe they could hide them in amongst those and Song Lan wouldn’t even notice they had brought them home. No, that was dumb. He would notice eventually. Was he really going to get one for real? Would his dad return it after? Would he make him abandon it on the side of the road in a box? Probably not, but still.

“That one.” Rusong decided. “Poor thing.” 

“What, just because it is uglier? No way. Cute one gets picked first. That is how the world works. Why take the ugly reject out of pity?” 

“He’s not ugly! And even if he was, so what? He is probably still a good boy.” 

“The cute one is superior! Cute one! Cute one! Ruru agrees with me. Right, Ruru?” 

His younger self nodded obediently. Rusong thought he was supposed to be Ruru. Usurped in his nickname already. 

“If we get that one, then the other will just be sitting in the window, all alone, unwanted. How can we abandon him like that?” 

“Hmmm.” Xue Yang shrugged and all his bags crinkled. “Yeah, I guess. Fuck it. Let’s get both.” 

“Oh, but um, Da– Song Lan will not like it if we even get one. We can’t get two.”

“If he is gonna be upset either way, what difference does it make?” 

“I mean… Okay.” 

Xue Yang nodded. “One for each of you.” He grinned and ran in the store, grabbing random pet supplies as he went, on top of everything else he was carrying somehow. 

Rusong’s chest swelled. He got one. Just for him. Maybe Xue Yang did like him after all. Or maybe he just liked puppies? 

“What should we name them?” 

They found a nice park, a little down the road and were sitting in the grass watching the puppies play. 

“Winnie the Pooh.” Little Rusong mumbled. 

“Okay, the cute one is called Winnie and the ugly one is Poo.” 

“What? No. The cuter one should be Pooh. It balances them out.” Rusong argued. 

Little Rusong said something that might have made sense, but Rusong wasn’t fluent enough in the toddler accent to understand any of it. Xue Yang nodded thoughtfully though, like he’d understood perfectly. Rusong wasn’t sure if he actually did or was just pretending for his younger self’s benefit. The two of them were making daisy chains, but neither was doing it right. Rusong couldn’t be bothered to teach them the proper way, since they weren’t including him in the activity anyway. Xue Yang tried to turn one into a puppy collar, but it shook it off right away.

This was weird. Sitting with someone who had basically been a character in a story for him growing up. Just this fantasy thing, not a real person with the ability to come to judgements about him. He felt so out of place, yet weirdly giddy, but also like he was messing it up at the same time. He needed to stop overthinking. He just got his dream of a puppy. Why couldn’t he just be happy and normal about it?

Watching Xue Yang play with the dogs and the kid, his methods for playing with either were exactly the same. It was kind of entertaining. Just taunting them with a toy over their head for slightly too long, then attacking them with it the moment they lost interest. Maybe ‘attack’ was a strong word, but that was definitely the vibe. They seemed to enjoy it though. Rusong wished he could just effortlessly have fun that way. All he could do was sit and watch awkwardly. One of the puppies grabbed his sleeve and tugged on it. He picked her and cuddled her, despite her attempts to wriggle away. 

He missed his dad. 

Not the one from this time period, his dad. 

Whatever they had been fighting about was stupid, he couldn’t even remember what it was now. He nuzzled Winnie and she bit his nose, harder than you would think something that small would be capable of. 

“Am I bleeding?” 

Xue Yang laughed. “Totally. See, I told you the cute one was best. It’s even got attack-dog skills.” He said, despite the fact he had the ugly one on his lap. “Wait, I’ve got something for this situation.” 

Xue Yang rummaged through the bags. He got through half of them before finding what he was looking for. Tearing open a box, he handed something to Rusong. It was a bandaid. Rusong snorted. “I don’t need one.”

“What is the point of buying them if you are not gonna use them? Kids should get bandaids.” 

“I’m not a kid.” 

“When I was little I always wanted someone to give me bandaids when I was bleeding, but no one ever did. Be grateful.” 

The bandaid had Hello Kitty on it to make matters worse. Rusong put the stupid thing on his nose for Xue Yang’s benefit. He was sure he must look like an idiot, but the grin on Xue Yang’s face made it worth it. 

“Me.” Little Rusong said, making grabby-hands at the box. 

“You aren’t bleeding." Xue Yang taunted. 

“Yep, I am.” 

“Where?” 

“I got hurt here.” He gestured vaguely to his arm. 

Xue Yang gave an overdramatic look at it. “Where? I don’t see it.” He grabbed Little Rusong’s wrist.

Out of nowhere an image flashed through Rusong’s head of Xue Yang carving a gash into his younger self’s arm, as punishment for lying. He didn’t know where it came from. He trusted Xue Yang. But there was this air of violence around him that made all his body language offputting.

“Oh, I see!” He said, his nose an inch away from the allegedly injured arm. 

He pointed at a blatantly uninjured patch of skin. “This looks bad, we might have to cut the whole thing off.”

“No.” said Little Rusong. 

“That’s what happened to my finger. Look. It fell off. You need to get this amputated before it gets too infected. It’ll be less painful that way.” 

Rusong looked hesitant, but mumbled “okay” sadly. 

Xue Yang cackled. “Actually, now that I look closer… I don’t think it is infected. You can keep it.” He put a bandaid on a random spot. “There, fixed.” 

“How did your finger get infected?” Rusong asked, then decided that was too invasive and felt guilty.

Xue Yang looked down at his own hand like he had only just noticed it existed, then covered up the weird expression on his face with a grin. “Oh, that story was fake, it never got infected. I was just curious about cannibalism, so I chopped it off. Needed a little taste.” 

There was an awkwardly long pause before he started laughing again. “Pfft, your face. The both of you are too easy.”

“I knew you were joking.” 

“Okay, if you say so.” He said between laughs. 

“I did! The mental image was just gross.” 

“As if the inside of your brain isn’t filled to the brim with fucked up mental images. You’re at that age.” 

“It totally isn’t!” 

Xue Yang’s grin softened for some reason. “Fine. I will stop teasing you.” 

“You can if you want. It is not like I care.” Rusong may have been pouting a bit.  

He wasn’t as good at interacting with Xue Yang as he expected. When he fantasized about meeting him they always got along perfectly, and every conversation flowed naturally, and it was never awkward and uncomfortable. In hindsight, unrealistic with Rusong was involved. 

He looked over and Xue Yang was staring at him. Why? Was he being weird? Did he have something on his face – other than the embarrassing bandaid? His eyes darted to Xue Yang’s again. Still watching. Oh no. Rusong distracted himself with a puppy. 

By the time Song Lan arrived to pick them up everyone’d had enough. Little Rusong was cranky, the puppies were manic, Xue Yang was impatient, and Rusong was getting more and more anxious about what his dad’s reaction would be to the puppies. It ended up being not much of anything. He just went quiet. That was worse. He didn’t give anything away as he helped them load everything into the car, even with Xue Yang seemingly trying to provoke a reaction. 

“Do you want to hold the puppies and I’ll drive?” 

Song Lan ignored him, slamming the trunk closed once he had crammed all the stuff in. 

Rusong started crying when they put him in his carseat, so the mood on the drive home was not great. 

“Let’s stop at a drive-thru, I’m hungry.” Xue Yang said. 

Rusong expected the request to be ignored. His dad never let him eat fast food, but Xue Yang must have had some grown-up privilege because they turned into the next place. Song Lan didn’t even protest when Xue Yang paid for it all with his credit card. Rusong almost believed he was going to eat it with them, but as soon as they got to the apartment he went and locked himself in his room, closing the door so gently that he had to be holding back from slamming it.  

“Asshole.” Xue Yang commented. 

“I think you gave him a panic attack.” 

“Big deal. No reason to waste food. This stuff reheats like crap.” 

“I don’t think he would want to eat it anyway.” 

Xue Yang rolled his eyes and Rusong thought he was kind of more of an asshole than he was expecting. He obviously didn’t know when to leave well-enough alone either. He pounded on Song Lan’s door. 

“Lanlan, want me to cook you something else if this shit is not good enough for your delicate tastebuds?” 

Unsurprisingly, there was no response from the room. Xue Yang looked genuinely pissed off for some reason. Rusong didn’t understand what there was for him to be upset about. 

"What do I gotta do to make him stop?” He asked. 

“Uh, I wouldn’t.”

“What a pissbaby. Stop being dramatic.” He gave another bang on the door.

Luckily he gave up after that and went back to his food. 

Little Rusong’s mood never seemed to improve after the park. 

The intermittent crying didn’t stop all day, until he was in his new racecar bed that evening, being read to. 

Xue Yang had forced both Rusong’s into their new pajamas, and changed into his as well. The only issue was that his younger self seemed to be enjoying the story so much that it wasn’t making him tired. Xue Yang was good at telling them, making ridiculous voices for each character, and adding silly levels of emphasis onto certain words. Even the older Rusong was entertained watching him, despite not being the right age for it. His dad’s reading had always put Rusong straight to sleep, since he was so monotone. 

Rusong knocked on the door, only at the last second stopped himself from calling out ‘Dad.’ 

There was a long pause where he thought he might be ignored, before Song Lan opened the door. 

“What is it?” He both looked and sounded exhausted.

Rusong felt bad. “Um, could you tell Rusong a bedtime story?” 

“Sounds like that is already covered.” Song Lan raised an eyebrow, Xue Yang’s storytelling carried from the other room. 

“I think it would be better if you did it. Also, you should probably change into your new pajamas first or Xue Yang will harass you. Sorry.” 

Song Lan sighed, scowled, and then surprisingly grabbed the new pajamas Xue Yang had left for him, slung over the back of the couch. 

It was hilarious. 

Rusong had never seen his dad look so goofy before. He kind of canceled it out with how scary the expression on his face was though. He grabbed the book out of Xue Yang’s hand and started to read. Xue Yang seemed too taken-off-guard to even tease him. He just stared. Under the monotone droll of Song Lan’s voice the little Rusong was asleep in no time. Everyone else followed not long after, it had been a tiring day. 

The next day Rusong woke up to the gross, yet somehow also appetizing smell of fast food breakfast. Xue Yang, unlike the night before, wasn’t eating the stuff directly out of the bag, but arranging it nicely on plates. Maybe his attempt to convince Song Lan it was a more legitimate food? Wouldn’t work, but Rusong admired the attempt. He hurried to get some before his dad woke up. His younger self must have still been in bed. Rusong hadn’t noticed until he wasn’t around anymore that he had been using him as a place to look to avoid having to make eye contact with Xue Yang. He stared at the smiley faces Xue Yang had drawn on the hashbrowns with ketchup as somewhere else to look. He seemed like he was having fun. Rusong picked at one, wishing he had something interesting to say since Xue Yang wasn’t talking. 

His dad emerged from his bedroom a whole fifteen minutes later than his usual scheduled time. Not a good sign. He was usually more reliable than the clock on the microwave. Song Lan’s mood didn’t tend to show on his face, so everything appeared fine, but to Rusong it felt like being in the same room as a bomb that needed defusing. Xue Yang was oblivious. 

“Bought you coffee.” He nudged a to-go coffee cup across the counter towards Song Lan.

“Why say you ‘bought’ it? You used my credit card.” 

“Semantics.” 

Song Lan turned on the coffee maker to make his usual instead. Xue Yang stared at the back of his head like he was about to commit murder. Luckily little Rusong chose the moment to start wailing from the bedroom. When Xue Yang returned carrying him, he had replaced the homicidal glare with a sweet smile. Rusong couldn’t tell if it was fake or if his younger self just brought that out of him. 

“Well. Ru wants the breakfast that I made, even if some people are too picky for it. Right?” Xue Yang asked the sniffling toddler. 

“You ‘bought it’ with my money. You ‘made it’ with someone else’s hands.” 

“Yeah, exactly. You get it.” Xue Yang waited until Song Lan turned his back again, before sticking his tongue out at him. 

Younger Rusong thought it was funny and copied him. Xue Yang put him on the counter and gave him a plate. Then he picked up a puppy who was sniffing around, hoping someone would drop something, and broke a piece off the toddler’s hashbrown to feed to her. 

Song Lan looked like he was trying to kill him using the power of his mind. “You shouldn’t have adopted dogs on a whim. It was completely irresponsible.” 

“Already got a kid to take care of, why not puppies too?” Xue Yang didn’t appear to have bothered with a plate for himself, he took a bite of a taro pie out of the cardboard box it came in. 

“You shouldn’t feed him that stuff, you’ll ruin his health.” 

“Who, the kid or the puppy?” 

Hopefully Song Lan wouldn’t kick them out, not eating healthy enough would be the least of their problems then. Rusong was too anxious to eat his own food. He would make Song Lan more angry if he did. Though he might make Xue Yang mad if he didn’t. He just pushed it around on his plate as a middle ground. 

“It is not a joke. Why save his life if you don’t care about his wellbeing? He’s a child, not a doll.” 

Xue Yang scoffed. “Food is food. He is lucky he has someone feeding him at all.” 

“Do you realize how much there is to worry about raising a child? Are you capable of providing him with proper nutrition? Medical care? An education? Developmentally he is behind where he should be for his age. Will you make sure he gets accommodations?” 

“The fuck are you talking about? There’s nothing wrong with him.” 

“I didn’t say that there was, but he should be assessed.” 

“Whatever the fuck that means.” 

Song Lan pulled out his phone and looked something up, handing it to Xue Yang. “Look at the symptoms.” 

Xue Yang glanced over it. “This is dumb. It applies to everyone. This stuff is like astrology.” 

“No, not when the symptoms are severe enough to interfere with your life.”

“They’re just selling something. It is a scam.” 

“Are you saying that you have all these symptoms?”

“Yeah, because everyone does, idiot.” 

“Maybe you should get assessed also.” 

“Oh my god, you are so brainwashed. This is my point. Do you really buy this shit?” 

“You know what? I don’t think you are equipped to provide him with adequate care. You don’t seem like you’re able to take care of your own basic needs, never mind someone else’s. We need to figure out an alternative solution.” 

Xue Yang’s face went completely blank, which was somehow scarier than when he looked like he wanted to kill someone. “You are not putting him in the system. Fuck you.” 

“People have a bad association with it, but there are plenty of caring people who just want to help children. He will be in good hands, if we can just figure out a way to hide him from Jin Guangyao.”

“Yeah sure, I bet there are so many lovely couples just dying to get their hands on their own little reject. They are gonna take great care of him, and not toss him out the second he does something ungrateful that doesn’t fit into their little savior fantasy.” He grabbed the toddler and stormed out the front door. 

Considering the fact he hadn’t bothered to put shoes on, Rusong hoped he wouldn’t go far. Though maybe socks were all he needed if he was mad enough. Song Lan busied himself making coffee as if nothing had happened. 

“You’re not actually going to make Xue Yang give him away, are you?” 

Song Lan sighed. “It is irresponsible to leave him in his care.” 

“What is so wrong with it? Maybe he would go somewhere way worse if you sent him away. I bet he wants to be with Xue Yang. Xue Yang would be a cool dad.” 

“You’re too young to understand. Raising children is complicated. It requires a lot of responsibility and emotional control, which I am not sure Xue Yang possesses.”

“Maybe some random foster parent doesn’t either! Ugh, Xue Yang is right, you are an asshole.” Rusong actually remembered to put his shoes on before storming out – he forgot he was still wearing Mickey Mouse pajamas though. 

He found Xue Yang and his younger self hanging out on the empty playground behind the apartment building. He had sat there alone so many times, thinking about what meeting Xue Yang would be like. It was very full-circle to sit down on the jungle-gym next to him. 

“He’s such a jerk.” 

Xue Yang snorted. “Right? Don’t care how shitty I am at taking care of the kid, I’ll kill that fucker before he takes him away.” 

Something told him that he wasn’t joking. Rusong hoped his attempts to save Xue Yang weren’t going to get his dad killed instead. That would be messed up. 

“He won’t really take him away. He was just trying to scare you so you wouldn’t keep feeding him junk food. You shouldn’t kill him.” 

“I guess. What do healthy people eat anyway? Fucking yogurt?” 

“Vegetables?” 

“I’m going to genetically engineer a carrot to be super unhealthy and then make him carrot soup every day for the rest of his life.”

“Or you could just sneak sugar in it? Might be easier than genetic engineering. Dad hates sugar so much he might be able to taste it though, even if you only put a little. Anyway, that would be mean, so you shouldn’t do it.” 

Xue Yang burst into a fit of laughter. Rusong wasn’t sure what part was that funny. The sugar? He fake-laughed too so he could pretend he was being funny on purpose. 

“Did you just call him Dad?” Xue Yang said after he stopped laughing long enough to talk.

Oh shit. Did he? “No. I mean yeah. But like, it was just a slip of the tongue. He is not actually my dad or anything.” 

Xue Yang giggled more. “Shouldn’t you be calling me Dad, before him? No fair!” 

“Really? Okay, Dad.” 

Xue Yang gave him a weird look, and Rusong realized he hadn’t been serious. 

“Ha ha, just kidding! Actually, I think it was totally because I accidentally called my teacher at school Dad one time. And it was just that Song Lan reminds me of that teacher, not my actual dad. You would make a much better dad than either though. But I wasn’t really calling you dad, that would be weird, because like, we just met. I was just joking. Also I wasn’t saying you’re like a dad, because you are not that old, but maybe you are, I don’t know, there’s nothing wrong with that. I just think you’d be a really good dad. Anyway, I meant like – I dunno. Song Lan is not my dad.” 

“I would be a good dad, you’re totally right!” Xue Yang said, thankfully ignoring everything but the part where he was complemented. 

“Yeah, like, he is more of the strict-mom type, and you’d be the really cool chill-dad, if you two got married.” 

Xue Yang doubled over laughing. “Married? Me and that guy? Imagine.” 

“It is not that funny.”

“In what universe?” 

“I bet he secretly likes you, y’know, or he wouldn’t let you stay in his apartment.” 

“He hates me. He is completely disgusted by me. I am worse than the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.” Xue Yang laughed again, but it sounded forced when compared to the previous one. “He hardly tolerates being in the same room as me. Kids’re so ridiculous.”

“He is just shy, he will warm up to you. Especially if you stop buying fast food."

Xue Yang rolled his eyes. Matchmaking was going to be difficult. Little Rusong toddled over holding something. 

“Did you steal that?” Xue Yang sounded proud. 

Little Rusong held up a container of bubble-blowing solution. 

“Neat.” Xue Yang lifted him up into his lap. “Do you know how to use it?” 

He shook his head. 

“Me neither.” Xue Yang pulled out the bubble wand and held it in front of the toddler. “Blow on it, I guess?”

His younger self pursed his lips and blew a raspberry sound. Didn’t actually blow the bubbles.

“No, like this.” Xue Yang proceeded to blow way too hard and pop the bubble before it could even form.

Rusong couldn’t hold back his laughter at the useless pair. 

“This stuff sucks.” Xue Yang said, and Rusong had to quickly grab the bottle before he dumped it out. 

“Like this.” He accidentally blew his bubbles directly into Xue Yang’s face. 

At least he had made his younger self laugh. Xue Yang snatched the bubble wand. Rusong felt some gross bubble liquid spatter across his nose as Xue Yang blew bubbles back in retaliation. His younger self made an overdramatic lunge for a bubble floating between them and popped it. The moment was ruined when some random kids ran up and started playing around them.

“Wanna go back inside?” Rusong asked.

“I tried that right away. We locked ourselves out. And I’m not crawling to that guy to let us in.” 

“I have the keys.” 

“What? How?” 

Rusong almost dropped the bubble liquid. “Um, I – I found them in a drawer in the kitchen. How else would I have them? Maybe they won’t even work, I don’t know.” He really didn’t know, his dad might have changed the locks. 

Could be he had keys for a lock that didn’t even exist yet. 

“You must have got there before me. I’ve been looking everywhere.” 

He tossed the keys to Xue Yang and picked up little Rusong. Xue Yang wouldn’t stop examining his anime keychains as they walked. It was making him self-conscious. 

“I knew that guy was a closet nerd. Look at this stuff.” 

“Let’s not mention it to him, he will get embarrassed.” 

“Yeah, that is the entire point of mentioning it.” 

“You can’t, because then he will know we have his keys and want them back.”

“Oh, right. Boring. I’ll have to think of sneakier ways to make fun of him. Maybe we could put some lame shit on TV and he will give himself away.” 

Truthfully, Song Lan didn’t like any of the stuff Rusong was into. He was a workaholic and Xue Yang was going to be disappointed if he wanted to get his attention on anything that wasn’t his casefiles. Sure enough when they got back inside, Song Lan was on his laptop going over work stuff. He didn’t bother to look up from his computer and acknowledge their return. 

“Did you throw away my shit? What the fuck? I paid for that.” 

“With my money.” He took a sip of coffee. “There are eggs on the stove, and rice in the rice cooker.” 

“There were eggs in the sandwiches.” Xue Yang pulled the fast food bag out of the trash. “I’ll pick up youtiao next time if you’re such a bitch about western food.” 

“That is not any healthier.” 

“Ugh, whatever. Is there any food I’m actually allowed? There were loads of vegetables in what I got, you know? Potatoes, tomatoes, lettuce. What is so much better about eggs and rice?” 

“You’re right. I should cook with more vegetables.” 

Xue Yang stared blankly. “Don’t agree with me, it’s creepy.” He huffed. “And don’t cook with more vegetables, they suck.” 

Song Lan finally looked up from the computer to give Xue Yang a baffled look. “Do you only talk to make noise? Why can’t I agree with you?” 

Xue Yang ignored him to take a bite out of one of the pies he had pulled from the trash.

“Please don’t eat that.” 

“Why not? Your trash is cleaner than the inside of my fridge.” Xue Yang took another bite. “Still good.”

“Please put it back in the trash, I will make you whatever you want.” 

“Whatever?” 

“Within reason.” 

“Boring. Make me something sweet then.” 

“Sugar in the morning isn’t–” 

Xue Yang went in for another bite of trash pie.

“Fine. Just stop.” 

“You are so easy to manipulate. You realize you're just encouraging me to do more gross stuff now, if you will do whatever I want to make me stop.” 

Song Lan sighed. “We need to figure out a long-term plan that doesn’t involve you in my apartment.” 

“Not like I am enjoying myself here either.” Xue Yang pouted. 

Rusong needed to think of some plan to make them realize they were perfect for each other. He could try handcuffing them together and see if that helped? No, they would just be mad at him. Maybe he could do something to set a romantic mood, like light some candles and put some rose petals around. That made even less sense. Why did he have to suck at this stuff? Someone cooler than him should have gone back in time and fixed his life for him. 

His dad made pancakes. They weren’t anything like how he made them in the future. This version of Song Lan was a lot worse at cooking. Or maybe he just didn’t know Rusong’s preferences yet? The idea of his dad perfecting his recipes to be just what Rusong liked best made him homesick. 

“Don’t throw shit on the floor, someone has to pick that up, brat.” 

“I didn’t.” Little Rusong lied. 

“Don’t swear in front of kids.” Song Lan said. 

“Fucking whatever. Last time I defend your honor. Who else do you think is gonna pick it up?” 

Little Rusong threw another chunk of pancake and Xue Yang laughed. “Hey Ruru, say ‘shit’.” 

“No.” 

“Spoilsport.” Xue Yang smushed a piece of pancake into the carpet with his toe. “If you hadn’t locked the puppies in puppy prison they could have cleaned up.” 

By that he meant the puppies were in the playpen they’d bought, which was too small for Rusong and would have been a terrible purchase, if it hadn’t been conveniently the right size for keeping the puppies out of trouble. 

Song Lan started picking the scraps off the floor. “I have to go to work. Please don’t add anything else onto my credit card bill.” 

“Again? Can’t you get maternity leave or some shit?” 

“No, for many reasons.” 

“Should I try to get you pregnant?”

Song Lan left without dignifying him with a response.  

As soon as Song Lan was gone Xue Yang set the puppies free to wreak havoc, chasing little Rusong around the apartment. It was entertaining for the first five minutes, but then the chaos started to give Rusong a headache. He sat in the corner, where no one would be able to see over his shoulder, and scrolled through his phone, looking at old pictures of him and his dad. Every one taken in the apartment reminded him of some other item that didn’t exist yet. Everything was missing. It was the weirdest thing to lose something because you didn’t have it yet, but honestly the knowledge it might be available again in future did not make him miss the stuff any less. Even if he did get some new version back, the memories attached would be completely different. He would probably grab the wrong one off the shelf. It wouldn’t be the same . His younger self brought Xue Yang his hair ties from the day before and asked for pigtails again. Xue Yang did his hair surprisingly carefully and gently. Watching made Rusong feel slightly less desperate for home. His other dad never did his hair for him. This version was lucky to have Xue Yang instead, he would get better than Rusong’s dad had to offer.  

There was a knock on the door. 

Rusong stared, too confused to answer it. 

How often did people knock at their door? 

Xue Yang opened it and came face to face with Xiao Xingchen. 

Xiao Xingchen looked shocked for all of a second before smiling. “Um, hello. Xue Yang. Wasn’t expecting to run into you here.” 

A-Qing barged in like she owned the place. She was so cute. Rusong was used to her being older than him, seeing the little bitty version of her was adorable. In the future she was too cool to hang out with him anymore, not now that she was getting ready for university. 

“Who’re you people?” She asked, looking around for Song Lan. 

“How come you’re not at work?” Rusong asked. “I mean – shouldn’t you be if your partner is?”

“He went to work? It’s supposed to be our day off.” Xiao Xingchen frowned. 

Xue Yang huffed. “He’s avoiding us?” 

Xiao Xingchen watched little Rusong run past with the puppies curiously. “You know how he is.” 

“Oh, yeah. Totally.” Xue Yang winked.

“How long have the two of you been together? I can’t believe he hasn’t told me yet. Must have been too embarrassed after making such a fuss about ‘bringing you to justice’. I knew all along it was just a thinly veiled crush, but I didn’t have much faith he would ever realize it.” 

Xue Yang bit his lip to hold back a laugh. “It’s still new. Lanlan is such a saint, he let me move in with him already after two dates, with the kids too!” 

“They’re yours then? You look very young to have a teenager already.” 

“I know, right? This one’s mother was actually my middle school art teacher. She went to prison of course, so I got full custody. Then, y’know how it is. Being a single parent was so hard, I had to turn to the streets. One day this repressed nun comes to me, refuses to let me wear a condom because ‘god doesn’t like it’. Paid well, but of course she got pregnant. Then the poor thing went and died in a horrible jetski accident! It was a miracle that a nearby fisherman had enough experience with gutting fishes to know how to get the baby out. After a few months in the NICU I got him, and well, now I’m a two-time single father. Lanlan is such a romantic, being willing to date me despite the kids. I do feel guilty for not telling him in advance about all the STDs that nun gave me though, now he has gonorrhea.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, didn’t want to put him off. You know how it is.” 

Xiao Xingchen looked like he wanted to laugh, but wasn’t sure if it was a joke so he was holding himself back. Instead he just nodded politely. 

“This is Rusong and also Rusong. Don’t ask. It is a family name. I didn’t forget what the first one was called by the time I got to the second or anything.” 

Xiao Xingchen looked so close to breaking, he coughed into his fist to stop himself. 

A-Qing watched longingly as the puppies and Rusong ran past again. “Can I play with them?” 

“Of course.” Xiao Xingchen said, walking into the apartment as if this was a completely normal playdate. 

Watching his younger self and A-Qing play was the most nostalgic aspect of time travel so far. Most of the things he had come back to was stuff he hardly remembered, but this he could almost be sucked back into a past version of himself. 

Xiao Xingchen joined Rusong on the couch. “So, how are you enjoying living here?”

“It’s fine.” Rusong said. 

“Have you been getting along with Song Lan?”

“Uh, sure.” 

“If by ‘ getting along ’, you mean that asshole keeps avoiding us.” 

Rusong wasn’t sure how Xue Yang was trying to sell the illusion of him and Song Lan being together by saying stuff like that. 

Maybe Xiao Xingchen had been wrong the whole time. He had hinted to Rusong that Xue Yang and Song Lan should have been together so many times, Rusong had latched onto it. Got caught up imagining the happier future they could have had. Now he couldn’t really see how that would work. His dad hated Xue Yang. He was probably relieved when he died the first time. Happy he didn’t have to deal with him anymore. Unfortunately that meant he was stuck with Rusong. It made sense why he was so miserable all the time in the future. He got dragged into it. None of it was what he actually wanted. Song Lan’s favorite things were cleanliness and quiet, two things you didn’t get with a kid around, or with Xue Yang around for that matter. What had made Rusong think his dad would want both of them? It was all just his fantasy, birthed by Xiao Xingchen-shushu’s poor judgment of human behavior. 

A-Qing walked into the center of the room to announce, “I’m bored.” 

The younger Rusong copied her, standing a few feet behind. 

“Oh, hang on. I’ve got a big bag of kid shit we haven’t even played with yet.” Xue Yang ran off to the spare bedroom to grab it. 

Xiao Xingchen gave Rusong his standard I-am-analyzing-you-and-don’t-care-to-be-subtle-about-it look. Rusong let his Shushu do what he liked. He was used to it. Besides, it wasn’t like his powers of observation were good enough to notice Rusong was a time traveler or something. He couldn’t even read Song Lan right and they were best friends.  

Xue Yang came back with a bunch of shopping bags and started pulling out random toys and craft supplies. “What do you wanna play with?”

A-Qing shrugged and Rusong mimicked it. 

Xue Yang looked annoyed. “What about this?” He held up a lego set.

A-Qing shook her head. 

“This?” Xue Yang tried to hand her a puzzle and she refused again. 

“Why don’t we all color?” Xiao Xingchen said. “There are lots of lovely art supplies here.” 

Xue Yang latched onto the instruction immediately, laying out an excessive amount of coloring books, and paints, and crayons, pencils, markers, little animal shaped erasers. Had he bought one of everything in the store?

By the time Song Lan got home A-Qing and Rusong had long since lost interest and ran off to find their entertainment elsewhere. Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen on the other hand were still sat to the coffee table, absorbed in their coloring. The look of confusion on Song Lan’s face was almost enough to improve Rusong’s mood.  

“What’s this?” He asked. 

“Coloring.” Rusong explained.

Song Lan nodded rather than question it. He disappeared to check on Rusong and A-Qing whose giggles could be heard carrying from the spare room. 

“Where’s green?” Xue Yang asked. 

Xiao Xingchen found it shoved under his book and handed it over to him. Song Lan never came back from the bedroom. Rusong wondered who exactly he was trying to avoid, Xue Yang or Xiao Xingchen? Rusong got curious enough about what he was up to in there to follow. 

He found him crosslegged on the floor, sleeping puppies in his lap, letting the kids do his hair up in pigtails. 

“Are you a customer at the hair salon?” A-Qing demanded. “If not, get out.” 

Rusong seated himself on the floor next to Song Lan. “Sure, I’ll have a haircut.” 

“Not a real one, A-Qing.” Song Lan felt the need to immediately clarify. “Just a pretend one.”

She ran around looking for an imaginary scissor substitute. She settled on a toy dinosaur. Its mouth opened and closed in a way similar enough to scissors, though half way through the haircut it turned into a dinosaur attack, and Rusong had to pretend a dinosaur bit his hair off and he was bald. Then his hair grew back and also was put into pigtails, which appeared to be the most popular (and only) style at this hair salon. 

“What are you losers all doing in here?” Xue Yang barged in. 

He was carrying a plate of something which Rusong couldn’t see from his angle on the floor. He braced for another food-related argument, but Xue Yang placed down a plate of cute bunny apples. Rusong wasn’t sure if the snack was a peace offering, or if this was just a staple of Xue Yang’s weird diet which coincidentally happened to be healthy enough for his dad to approve. It didn’t seem like Song Lan knew either, he was giving the plate a look which was difficult to read, even for Rusong. 

“Customer!” Little Rusong gestured to Xue Yang’s hair.

“Eat first.” Song Lan ordered. 

“No.” Little Rusong yelled. 

Song Lan didn’t seem to know how to respond to defiance. “Where’s Xingchen?” 

Xue Yang shrugged and joined everyone else sitting in a circle on the floor. 

Little Rusong tried to pull out his hair tie. 

Xue Yang laughed. “No really, you better eat some before this little girl gets it all.” 

“I’m not gonna eat all of it.” A-Qing yelled, while shoving another apple slice in her mouth. 

“I didn’t make them for you, you litt-”

Song Lan coughed, probably assuming whatever Xue Yang was about to say would have been inappropriate.  

“Haircut.” Little Rusong nagged.

“I will do it myself.” 

“No, because then, when it is not–” Little Rusong trailed off, losing interest in his own sentence, he handed the dinosaur to Song Lan. “You do it.” 

Rusong grinned. Maybe he needed to get his younger self in on this matchmaking scheme. The kid had good ideas. Song Lan and Xue Yang were staring at each other like they were afraid of catching a disease. Rusong handed his dad a couple of hair ties for encouragement. 

Xue Yang seemed to decide it was all very funny and he took down his hair himself. “Bad service at this place. How long do I have to wait for my appointment?” He scooched closer to Song Lan. 

He must not have been expecting him to actually do it because when his hand touched his hair Xue Yang looked completely taken by surprise. Little Rusong was pacified enough by that to grab an apple slice and start munching. Song Lan tried to rush through the hairstyling at first, but his perfectionist instincts kicked in when he saw how messy it looked. He undid his work and started threading his hands through Xue Yang’s hair to get the tangles out. Xue Yang was definitely blushing. Rusong wasn’t sure how to add some more romance to this moment. Sing a song about kissing, like the seagull in The Little Mermaid? He laughed. Xue Yang must have thought he was the one being laughed at, as he suddenly batted Song Lan’s hand away. 

“I can do it myself.” He rolled his eyes, then put on what Rusong was beginning to easily recognise as his fake smile. “Didn’t know you wanted to touch my hair that much, big guy. Next time just ask.” 

Song Lan’s eye twitched. 

“Who does their own hair at the hair salon? You are ruining the game.” Rusong tried. 

“Too late. Already done.” Xue Yang snapped his second hairband into place. 

Xiao Xingchen chose that moment to join them and start dying of laughter, before he was also forced to join the pig-tail club. 

The puppies liked Song Lan best. It was totally unfair. Rusong loved them more, so why did they follow his dad around all the time? Song Lan was trying not to show it, but Rusong could tell he had gotten attached too. He would be a dog person in no time. Maybe with the same methods he could get him attached to Xue Yang too. Finding new matchmaking opportunities was hard though. They somehow were able to avoid each other even while being in the same room. Which was why it was a shock when Rusong caught them plotting together. At first he had the delusional hope the two of them whispering alone was them flirting or something, but he quickly realized they were planning some undercover operation. Not the one Xue Yang died on at least, it was too early for that, assuming Rusong hadn’t already caused some butterfly effect that would lead to him dying sooner. 

His dad was dumb. 

Why did he have to force Xue Yang into a dangerous situation? Then the idiot spent the whole time Xue Yang was gone pacing anxiously around the kitchen. He was obviously worried about him, so why couldn’t he just let it go? As much as Rusong wouldn’t have minded seeing his bio-father get what he deserved, there were more important things than revenge. The power of love would solve everything, right? Maybe? He needed to do more. 

“Hey.” Rusong flopped down on the sofa next to his younger self.

He gave him a bored glance and went back to watching cartoons.

“Do you think those two have a crush on each other?” He whispered, pointing to the adults. 

Little Rusong looked over at them, scrunched up his face in deep thought for a minute, then nodded. 

“Oh good. If we agree, want to scheme with me?” 

He nodded. 

“Do you even know what scheme means?” 

Nod. 

Rusong still didn’t believe him. “We need to come up with a plan to make them kiss.” 

“What if-”

Rusong leaned closer in anticipation. Maybe the new perspective would really help.

“If we did like-” 

“Yeah?”

“What if we putted a candy on his mouth and then they would have to kiss if they wanted to eat it?” 

“Uh yeah. That’s a good idea. But maybe something more subtle? I was thinking we lock them in a closet together.” 

“No. That’s dumb.”

“You’re gonna hurt my feelings.” 

Little Rusong got an evil glint in his eyes. “Dumb!” He laughed maniacally. 

He had been spending a little too much time around Xue Yang. 

“I think the closet thing is a good idea.”

“No.” 

“Well what then?” 

He thought about it for a while before responding “I’m bored.” 

Rusong sighed. “What if we locked them in the closet, but also left some candy in there so they can put it on their lips or whatever?” 

“Okay.” 

Rusong ducked behind the couch and waited for his younger self’s performance to start. 

A screech came from the closet, followed by sobbing.

He was pretty good at fake crying actually, he should have been an actor. Maybe in this timeline he could make himself a child star. 

Xue Yang sprung into action, sprinting for the closet. There was an issue with the plan, Song Lan seemed to think Xue Yang had it covered and didn’t bother going to check what was wrong as well. Rusong was forced to come out of his hiding place early.

“Da- I mean, hey! I think they need your help in the closet.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Dunno. You should check.”

He was annoyingly slow. What if it was a real emergency? His younger self could have dropped dead by the time Song Lan made it to the closet. Little Rusong was having trouble not getting removed from the closet too early, he was putting up an impressive fight. Song Lan didn’t even walk inside. Rusong had to run up behind him and give him a shove. His younger self was speedy for someone who had only just learned how to run. He managed to get out fast enough for Rusong to slam the door before either of the adults escaped. 

“What the fuck?” came Xue Yang’s voice. 

One of the two started pounding on the door. Little Rusong cackled. Big Rusong felt guilty immediately. This was a horrible idea. What was he thinking? There was nothing even a bit romantic about it.

“Open the door.” Song Lan commanded. 

Rusong immediately caved under the slightest pressure and opened it. “Uh, sorry. I’m sorry. I tripped.”

They weren’t even suggestively pressed up against each other or anything, just standing shoulder to shoulder looking uncomfortable. Song Lan’s foot was in a box. Xue Yang hadn’t even noticed the candy little Rusong had left there for him to put on his mouth. They needed to rework their strategy.  

Song Lan had always been very meticulous about cooking, but Rusong never got the impression he actually enjoyed it. He was much more concerned about the nutritional value of food than the fun of eating it. The amount of begging Rusong had to do to get any candy as a child was ridiculous. He thought it might be a good balance between his dad and Xue Yang if they were together, they could teach each other the value of two different approaches or something. That wasn’t how it was working out in real life. All they did was fight. Rusong supposed you had to actually respect someone else’s point of view to be influenced by it, and these two were not up for that.

“Why don’t you at least get some good sweet and sour sauce to go with it?” Xue Yang complained, watching Song Lan cook his usual fare.

“There’s a deceptive amount of sugar in stuff like that. Might as well just eat candy instead of pretending you are having a healthy meal.” 

“But the candy is for dessert.” 

Song Lan went back to ignoring him. Xue Yang hated that.

The two of them would take turns, one day Song Lan would cook and Xue Yang would complain, the next day the other way around. At first Xue Yang wasn’t even attempting to make something Song Lan would approve of, but as time passed he seemed to be veering further into actually trying territory, or at the very least some sort of malicious compliance? Weaponized incompetence? Rusong was pretty sure the time he set the kitchen on fire was genuinely an accident, but some of the mess he made seemed intentional just to annoy Song Lan.

Rusong showed him a cooking blog he knew his dad from the future was a fan of, but he had yet to discover in this time. He was so excited to see his dad’s reaction to an actual successful recipe, he forgot to take into account his picky eating. Xue Yang unwittingly chose to make one of his least favorite foods. The two of them had opposite tastebuds. Rusong should have anticipated this.

“Fuck you. I always force myself to eat all your gross cooking. Then I go and make healthy shit and you still refuse to eat it?”

“You know you don’t have to eat what I cook, right? You can get yourself something else.” 

“You would get pissed and give me another lecture.” 

Song Lan gave him a long look. “Sorry. I won’t keep pressuring you.”

Xue Yang seemed embarrassed, but quickly covered it up with bravado. “Whatever, not everyone is in the habit of wasting free food, you privileged fuck.” 

“Still, I think you could benefit from learning better boundaries. If you don’t want something, just say.” 

“That is so overdramatic. Not everything has to be about some therapy-speak, self-help book nonsense. You eat food so you don’t starve. It doesn’t have to be good. If it is then that’s just a bonus.” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” Xue Yang sneered. “So what am I supposed to make to convince you to actually eat it? The same plain rice and vegetables forever?” 

“Why don’t you come with me to the grocery store next time, we could coordinate better some things everyone will like.” 

That sounded like a disaster waiting to happen, but Rusong really wanted to watch – from afar. He didn’t like to be seen in public with them while they were arguing. 

“Whatever, lot of effort. Your money though, might as well.” 

Song Lan nodded, and Xue Yang eyed him suspiciously as soon as he looked away. 

After that they had a surprisingly not awkward dinner around the table together. Xue Yang had calmed whatever offense he was feeling from Song Lan not eating his cooking, and wasn’t paying attention to the fact he had a different type of food in front of him. And Xue Yang’s cooking was actually good. Rusong liked it anyway. His younger self too, though that was to be expected since they were the same person. It was relaxing when the two weren’t arguing, and the silence was comfortable rather than passive-aggressive. He could get used to having a big family. If only he wasn’t likely to fade out of existence as soon as he changed fate enough to keep it. 

“So, what are we going to do about that asshole Jin Guangyao?” Xue Yang interrupted the comfortable vibes as if he was allergic to them. 

“We already have a plan.” Song Lan mumbled, obviously uncomfortable Xue Yang was bringing it up around the kids. 

“What if he never does anything incriminating enough to use as evidence? I think we need to go on the offensive.”

“No!” Rusong interrupted. “Why do you have to do anything? Just let him be a criminal and we can mind our own business. Is he really that bad that you have to ruin your own life to take him down?” 

“Is he really that bad?” Xue Yang said disbelievingly. “That guy is the first person I ever met who is even more fucked up than me.”

“Yeah, but you don’t need to go to prison or die, right? You can just stay here and we can all be happy and alive.” 

Xue Yang laughed. “I dunno. What if I should be dead or in prison?” 

“What would be the point of that?”

“That is what they do to bad guys, right? So they won’t hurt any more people.”

“You’re not a bad guy though. You won’t hurt people. You rescue babies.”

“Hey, this place is kind of like a prison when you think about it.” Xue Yang gestured around the apartment. “Except they probably feed you better there.” 

“I thought you liked it here.” Rusong looked to his dad for help. 

He was studying the two of them like the meerkats at the zoo. The old version of his dad used to save him from awkward social situations all the time. He always knew what Rusong wanted to say better than he did. This one apparently hadn’t learned that skill yet, so he was left to flounder. 

“I just think we shouldn't be trying to take down a crimelord right now. Isn’t raising a child more important?” Rusong attempted. 

Xue Yang laughed at him again. “Is it? Aren’t crimelords a little more important than a single kid? Think about it, if he is willing to kill his own so casually, how many other kids will he take out? Aren’t good guys supposed to worry about the needs of the many and all that?” 

“Why did he even want to kill his own kid? It doesn’t make any sense.” 

The cackle that came out of Xue Yang’s mouth was really not what Rusong wanted to hear. He hoped his flinch wasn’t noticeable, he really wanted the honest answer regardless. 

Xue Yang leaned across the table like he was about to spill some juicy gossip. “It is not fit for children’s ears. Are you sure you wanna know?” 

“Yes, tell me!” 

“No.” Song Lan interrupted. “Whatever it is, I am sure it is better you keep it to yourself.”

“He said he wants to know!” Xue Yang sounded smug. “Can’t shield kids from the fucked up truth of the world forever. Makes them stupid.” 

“Yeah, I’m already kind of dumb, so better start acclimatizing me to reality.” Rusong mumbled.

“Exactly! So basically, long story short, A-Yao fucked his own sister.” 

“Oh. Wow.” 

“Yeah. Then when he realized it, he got so paranoid that people were going to notice something off about his cute lil incest baby, he decided to preemptively solve the problem.” 

Rusong’s heritage grossed him out enough already, why did it have to get even more messed up? 

“What the fuck?” He didn’t generally swear, especially not in front of his dad, but this was a special occasion. 

“Yeah, pretty dumb. Like if something is off about your kid people don’t jump straight to incest. No one would have figured it out. Dunno what he was thinking. Guilty conscience, maybe? Fucking weirdo.” 

Rusong’s skin crawled. Why did he have to be born? Why those parents? He wanted to throw up, but Xue Yang would probably get offended and think it was implying something about his cooking. He laughed. It was just so ridiculous. He was such a mistake of the universe, no wonder he was fated to die. 

“You better not bully Ru about it, he can’t help it if his dad sucks.” Xue Yang patted his younger self on the head.

Hopefully he didn’t have the vocabulary yet to understand anything they were talking about. Though maybe it would be better if he’d learned at that age, when he was too young to know what was normal yet. He could live in blissful ignorance, thinking incest babies were an everyday occurance and there was nothing weird about him. Though maybe growing up with that normalized for him wasn’t the best idea. And it was only a matter of time before he had to go to school and have everyone point out all the other stuff that was weird about him. He would catch on eventually. 

“Let’s just kill Jin Guangyao.” Rusong said. “That would solve all our problems.”

Xue Yang shrugged. “I mean, I could.” 

“No.” Song Lan interrupted. 

Rusong really hated his dad sometimes. Had he known about all of this in the original timeline and never told him? 

“Come on. It would be so much easier.” Xue Yang goaded.

“If you kill anyone I am arresting you.” 

“I can do it when you’re not looking. You don’t even have to know about it.” 

“That is not the problem.”

Rusong huffed. “What if all this undercover stuff gets Xue Yang killed? Is it really worth it? Isn’t it better if we just take out the source of the problem?” 

“I like how you think.” Xue Yang almost looked proud. “The wire thing is not working. We need to come up with something else.” 

“No murder.” Song Lan muttered. “If it comes down to it, the one doing the killing will be me. It’s a part of my job description. I am trained when and how to use a gun. If self-defense is required I’ll handle it.”

Xue Yang stared at him, mouth agape. “Wow, sweet deal. It’s like I have my own slave. I don’t have to do anything for myself around here.” 

Rusong was winning. 

This was exactly what he needed to save Xue Yang, a change of plans. 

But he couldn’t even enjoy his victory, because thinking about his stupid biological father was grossing him out too much. He should have stayed ignorant, maybe his dad was right. 

No. He wanted to know. 

He had to grow up eventually, and he was practically an adult already.

Or, as much of one as he might ever get to be if he was going to fade out of existence. 

He shoved his food away. “I’m really tired. Gonna go take a nap.” 

He hadn’t been actually expecting to get any sleep, he usually couldn’t when he was stressed, but somehow his brain just gave up and went unconscious as soon as he laid down. It was a relief. 

But then he woke up in the dark, completely disorientated, wondering why he wasn’t in his bedroom. The little light on the TV was glowing an annoying red color and he stared at it until his brain rebooted enough to remember his bedroom didn’t exist yet, and why he was so upset. He grabbed one of the puppies from the playpen, the ugly one, and tried to cuddle her, but once she woke up enough to realize what was going on she got all squirmy. It wasn’t as comforting as he hoped so he put her back. 

It must suck to be a dog. 

Some random people pick you up and steal you away from your family, and you just have to hope you like them. Being anything sucked. Like, objectively a cute puppy was probably one of the better options, everyone loves you without you even having to try, all your needs are supplied for you, and you never had to worry about anything. Still sucked though. They couldn’t make their own choices, they were just forced into puppy prison in the corner of someone’s living room, all because Rusong selfishly wanted something cute to love. The world was stupid. Life was stupid. Being born in the first place was stupid. He hated his father. He wished Xue Yang really would kill him. How come he could just get away with whatever? He shouldn’t get to be out there feeling all happy while ruining other people’s lives. 

Rusong rummaged around in his dad’s junk drawer until he found a lighter. 

“Gonna go burn down a building?” Xue Yang chirped. 

Rusong froze. He assumed everyone else was in bed. How long had Xue Yang been standing there?

“Uh, no. I was going to go smoke a cigarette.” 

Xue Yang cackled. “You? Really? Where is it then?” 

Rusong’s eyes roved the room for a better excuse. “Actually I was going to light a candle. I was just joking about the smoking.” 

Xue Yang snorted. “Sure, okay, but hypothetically, if you were planning to burn down a building, you’re going to need more than just a lighter.” 

“Like what?”

“Accelerant, obviously. Gasoline, kerosene, something like that. Also wear a mask. Don’t just run in there completely unprepared like an idiot. Doesn’t matter how angry you are. Kids today. Did you at least pick a good target?” 

“Um, yeah. I was thinking – there’s this warehouse he owns…” Rusong totally hadn’t fantasized about this loads of times before, and researched exactly where he would hit if he ever got the chance, that would be crazy. “The security is practically non-existent, and nobody goes there at night, so no one is around to get hurt." 

“Oh, then what’s the point?” 

“I don’t want to hurt someone! Just cause expensive property damage.” 

“Right. Yeah, totally. This was just a test. No hurting people.” 

“If you say so.” 

They had done it. 

They had actually done it. 

For some reason the whole thing hadn’t felt real, until Rusong found himself standing on the opposite side of the street, watching the flames curl out the windows and start to collapse the roof. 

It was pretty. 

Xue Yang giggled. 

Rusong had no idea what he was feeling. 

Definitely not humor, but for some reason he laughed too. 

That seemed to make Xue Yang even more happy. He grinned at him and Rusong finally knew what it was like to have a proud parent. 

They had bought a bag of the most random assortment of snacks while picking up the accelerant, which Rusong would probably never again be able to eat without associating them with the smell of smoke. They ate them while watching the building burn down, like they were at the movie theater, until sirens could be heard in the distance. Xue Yang said they didn’t need to leave, as rubbernecking at a fire was something innocent people would do, but Rusong didn’t want to risk being spotted at the scene of the crime, so he dragged him home.

“Shhh, don’t wake the kid.” Xue Yang whispered as they giggled their way through the front door. 

They bumped directly into Song Lan’s chest. 

“Busted.” Xue Yang didn’t stop laughing, but now Rusong definitely didn’t think it was funny.

His dad was going to take them to jail, or kick them out at least. He tried to push down the feeling in his throat before any tears could leak from his eyes. Song Lan’s scowl of disapproval was enough to make Rusong feel like shit before he even said anything. 

“Okay, I know this looks bad.” Xue Yang somehow always managed to come across as flippant despite the circumstance. 

“Did you burn down a building?” Song Lan asked. 

“Wow, you’re quick. How’d you know?”

“You stink.” 

“Rude. What if we just happened to walk past a dumpster on fire. Did you ever think of that? What’s with the accusations? Anyone would think you didn’t trust us.” 

Song Lan put a hand over his face. “At least tell me no one was hurt.” 

“They weren’t! I would never do that.” Rusong said.

“Yeah, that was like our first rule. Are you gonna let us through now or is there a password?” Xue Yang barged in like it was nothing. 

Rusong admired his shamelessness, he himself probably looked like he belonged in one of those guilty dog video compilations. It had always been impossible for him to hide when he had done something wrong from his dad. 

Song Lan looked like he might actually yell at him. 

Something Rusong had only experienced a few times in his life. Always when Song Lan had been extra stressed at work, not just because Rusong was being particularly bad that time, though he usually had been doing that too. 

“Got this for you.” Xue Yang handed Song Lan a bag of honey-roasted peanuts. 

Rusong wasn’t sure if he was lying about getting them specifically for Song Lan and he just didn’t have time to eat them himself at the crime scene. His dad did like peanuts. Song Lan glared at them like they were toxic waste though, so Rusong doubted they would actually get eaten, unless Xue Yang stole them back. 

“You didn’t leave any evidence did you?” 

“What do you think this is, amateur hour? Of course not.” 

“Don’t drag the kid into your shit.” 

“It was his idea!”

“I’m not a kid.” Rusong mumbled. 

“It’s dangerous.”

“So what? You do dangerous stuff all the time for your job, and you make Xue Yang do dangerous stuff too! Be a good example first, before you start nagging us.” Rusong had a burst of confidence, but then it vanished and he went back to cowering. 

Song Lan seemed too surprised to argue. 

Xue Yang shrugged off his jacket and tossed it over the back of one of the chairs, then flopped onto the couch. 

“Can you at least hang that up?” Song Lan asked, already knowing it was hopeless and going to do it himself. 

“Why would I, when I have my willing slave?” 

“I’m going to throw it down the trash chute.”

“Then you will just have to buy me another one.”

“You can go without.”

“But then I’ll be cold.” Xue Yang whined. “You’d let me freeze to death? Some sugar daddy you are.” 

Song Lan looked like he cycled through all the stages of grief in five seconds, then hung Xue Yang’s jacket up and went and locked himself in his room. Xue Yang’s laughter followed the sound of the door slamming.

The day of Xue Yang’s death came and went so casually Rusong almost forgot about it. Xue Yang didn’t die. 

He had never even gone out, spent most of the day lazing about on the couch, watching cartoons with little Rusong. 

Song Lan and Xue Yang just never made the plan that got him killed, without Rusong even intentionally interfering. 

Something he had done must have changed the course of events at some point. 

He had no idea what.

He briefly wondered if he had remembered the date wrong, but it was burned in his brain. There was no way he would forget. 

He had always commemorated the day, ever since he had first learned it, even though it made his dad more depressed. 

It was weird though, if Xue Yang was alive, and the future was completely changed around, then Rusong was sure he shouldn’t have existed anymore. 

Why was he still there? 

Was his dad going to get Xue Yang killed some other way? 

Probably. 

It wasn’t like his dad to drop something. 

Not until after someone was dead.

He never got revenge on Jin Guangyao once Xue Yang was gone, just became completely avoidant of the whole topic.

He would have loved to know what was going on in his dad’s head. 

Song Lan was completely stressed out. 

It was only grocery shopping, he had no reason to be that anxious. 

He watched Xue Yang push Rusong around in the cart, looking like he didn’t have a care in the world. He wished he could have that ease. It made him jealous sometimes. 

Xue Yang kept Rusong from getting bored as they shopped, showing off random objects to him, or just chattering away. If it were only Song Lan taking care of him, the toddler would probably have been throwing a tantrum from boredom already. He wouldn’t know where to start with entertaining a child. He felt awkward and unnatural with every attempt. He was uncomfortable with the fact a probable serial killer was better with children than him. But he was trying not to think about the serial killer thing. He knew what he was doing was wrong, letting Xue Yang stay with him. He just couldn’t for the life of him come up with any better options. He had never been the creative type. He wanted to go to Xingchen for advice, but then he would be implicating him as well. That would be a nightmare were they ever caught. If he dragged down Xingchen with him, Song Lan would sentence himself to the death penalty before a judge even got around to it. 

Xue Yang had a weird look on his face, absent, Song Lan couldn’t read what it meant. When he noticed Song Lan watching him the expression vanished, replaced with the usual annoying smug grin. He bumped their shoulders together, obviously just to piss Song Lan off. There was something seriously wrong with Xue Yang. He couldn’t understand the man’s desire to deliberately antagonise people all the time, there was no good reason to do such a thing. And the fact Song Lan enjoyed the attention just made him feel even worse about everything. Something was seriously wrong with him too. It was contagious. 

“Ru, you want this, right?” Xue Yang held up a tin of coffee.

Rusong shook his head, no.

“Sure you do. Look, it has a cute deer thingy on it.”

It was Song Lan’s favorite. Xue Yang couldn’t just put it in the cart without pretending it wasn’t his idea first. Was it that embarrassing to be caught being considerate? Rusong made grabby-hands for a different brand, so Xue Yang had to toss one of each into the cart. 

“Since when did he start drinking coffee?” Song Lan couldn’t help but tease. 

“They grow up so fast. Soon he’ll be leaving the nest.” 

“Not for another decade and a half at least.” 

“Don’t remind me. I could probably get a shorter sentence in prison.” 

“You seem to be enjoying it enough.”

Xue Yang looked embarrassed by that too, as if it wasn’t obvious. “Well. Not like I wanna be stuck with you forever. But what the fuck else am I supposed to do? Being a housewife is tough.” 

Song Lan knew it was stupid, but he couldn’t help being hurt by that. “It is best that you stay where I can keep an eye on you.” he forced out, though he wasn’t sure he believed it anymore.

Maybe he was just trying to convince himself. 

“You still don’t trust me? Really? What do you think I am gonna do, trade him for candy? Bring him to a murder scene? Maybe I’ll just get bored and toss him into the river eventually.” 

“That isn’t what I meant.” 

Xue Yang rolled his eyes. “Don’t backtrack. I know how it is. You are so easy to read.” 

“If that’s the case, why do you always misunderstand me?” 

“I don’t. How do I?” Xue Yang looked like he was pouting. 

It was cute. Song Lan hated his brain for finding everything Xue Yang did cute. A wire must have gotten crossed at some point. There was this adorable toddler, little puppies – Xue Yang, all forced into his life at the same time. His psyche had been confused by too much stimuli. That was the only explanation. Because there was no way he was finding the criminal crashing in his apartment cute. 

He swallowed and tried to remember what question had been asked. “I do trust you.” 

Song Lan wasn’t sure if it was a lie or not. It probably was. To trust someone you wouldn’t question if you trusted them or not. Uncertainty implied distrust. Maybe he was just too anxious a person to ever trust anyone? Not even Xingchen had his trust all the time. It probably said more about him than anyone else. As further proof of his own issues, he found Xue Yang’s reaction to what he said adorable as well. He didn’t think it was his imagination that the criminal had started blushing, his eyes wide, almost child-like. Unfortunately, he quickly covered it up with a scowl. 

“What game are you playing? Since when are you good-cop? Isn’t that supposed to be that pretty partner of yours?” He looked anywhere but at Song Lan. 

“We don’t have roles.” He tried to ignore the jealous feeling that sprouted from Xue Yang calling Xingchen pretty. “There is no game.”

“You’re being so weird today.” Xue Yang accused. 

Song Lan wasn’t sure how. He was acting no different than how he usually did. 

“Aren’t I always weird?”

The self-deprication seemed to delight Xue Yang. “Well yeah! But only because you are too normal. No one is actually like this, it’s just a front they put up. Behind closed doors their real fucked-up selves always come out. Did you not get the memo that it was all a load of crap, and that’s why you act perfect all the time?” 

“I think you are projecting, not everyone is fucked up.” Song Lan said, though his mind was still stuck on the fact Xue Yang thought he acted perfect.

He must not have meant it like that. He always complained about how Song Lan acted. 

“Of course they’re all fucked up, that is human nature.” 

“Most humans put their energy into work and hobbies, not whatever messed up things you get up to.” 

“Don’t pretend you’re some saint. I know you’ve got something to be ashamed of, just gotta get you to admit what it is.”

“Well, I have got you.” That sounded worse out loud than it had in his head. 

He had been trying to make a joke. He hadn’t really thought before speaking. So, it was not like he was expecting any particular reaction, but if he had expected one it wouldn’t have been what he got. Xue Yang looked at him like he wanted to devour him. Song Lan suddenly knew what it felt like to be a prey animal facing down a predator. He wasn’t sure if he should run or play dead. His body chose freeze-response. He couldn’t move, even as Xue Yang stepped in closer to him. Maybe he wanted to be eaten. He didn’t know.

They were interrupted by a child running over and grabbing the edge of their cart. He took a step away from Xue Yang. 

Right. Groceries. What was on his list again? And who was this random kid? They weren’t picking up another one. 

The father was arguing with his phone halfway down the aisle. 

The child started yelling. “Hey, Uncle. Look, look!” 

His uncle ignored him. Must have been roped into babysitting when he had more important things to do. It sounded like a work call. 

“Uncle, look! I found Rusong, he is not missing anymore!” Luckily, the uncle ignored that part too.

Song Lan put a hand on Xue Yang’s back and tried to steer him towards the front of the store, but the kid wasn’t letting go of the side of their cart. 

Xue Yang grabbed his wrist. “Say one more word and I’ll kill your uncle, then you next.” 

Entirely unethical to threaten a kid, but at least it was effective. The kid let go of the cart right away. 

For some reason it didn’t occur to them in their panicked state to leave the groceries behind. They wasted time going through the checkout. It was probably fine, good to not draw attention to themselves. Who knew how many security cameras had captured them. Running out without paying would be suspicious. 

“Fucking hell, we can’t do anything.” Xue Yang strapped Rusong into his carseat while Song Lan put the food in the trunk. 

“Do you think anyone will believe him?” 

“Hopefully not, if this gets back to A-Yao we’re fucked.” 

“All he has is the word of a child.” 

“The kid saw me though, if he describes how I look a little too well it’ll be obvious. Told you we need to go on the offensive.” 

“What does that even mean? You really want to kill him?” 

“No – I don’t know – You’re the cop, plant evidence or something.” 

“Cops don’t plant evidence. That is illegal.” 

“Ha! Good joke. They probably don’t include you when they do it because they know you would be a bitch about it.” 

Song Lan hoped he wasn’t being overly optimistic to assume Xue Yang was wrong, but he had seemed sure about Jin Guangyao controlling half the force, maybe things were just as bad as in the movies. 

He checked his mirrors every five seconds the whole drive home, to assure himself they were not being followed. He didn’t feel safe until they were back inside the apartment. It was a false sense of safety. 

The world outside still existed and a few walls wouldn’t stop it. 

It was the first time they had left the teenager alone in the apartment. He wasn’t sure what he was afraid he might do, but still couldn’t help feeling suspicious. Where had he even come from? It was hard to imagine malicious intent when all he was doing when they came barging in was watching a Disney movie on the couch. He didn’t come across as a master manipulator. If anything he was a very bad liar. Though he supposed that could be a ploy; pretend to be a bad liar for the lies that don’t matter so no one suspects when you hit them with an important lie later. Regardless, what could he do that he hadn’t already been given ample opportunity to? He’d had nothing but chances. Song Lan figured he might as well trust him at that point. It was nice somehow, trusting even though there was no reason to. Trusting Xue Yang. It was likely to be one of the worst decisions of his life, but that didn’t stop it from feeling good to finally let go and decide to do it. So he did. It didn’t matter that it made no sense. The four of them as a family felt comfortable. It was all he ever wanted, in the weirdest package. 

Xue Yang handed the toddler to the teenager and rushed off to the spare room with Song Lan’s laptop, to do god knows what. Song Lan joined the Rusong’s on the couch with a sigh. 

“Did something happen?” 

“You don’t need to worry about it. But we should be more careful about where we take him in the future.” 

“Did you get spotted?”

“Sort of.” 

“What? That’s not good! Why aren’t you panicking more?” 

“Panic makes you as dumb as-” 

“A wooden chicken on a blind horse! Yeah, yeah. Just like grandpa always said.” 

Song Lan nodded, but then his stomach dropped. “How would you know that?”

“Oh, uh – I mean, you mentioned it before I think?” 

“No, I didn’t.” He wanted to believe it had just slipped his mind, but talking about his grandfather wasn’t easy and he wouldn’t have done it without remembering. 

He watched Rusong’s eyes dart around the room, looking for another excuse. He really was easy to read.

“Tell the truth.” 

Rusong put his head down like a scolded child. “You won’t believe me though.” 

“Give it a try.” 

If this was the big lie he had been saving up for, then the teenager was a very good actor. His whole posture changed. Somehow more calm, yet tense, prepared for any attack the truth might bring. 

“This is me.” He pointed to the toddler. 

Song Lan looked down at Rusong, then up again, then back down. “What?” 

“I time traveled. I’m from the future. Future Rusong. That is me.” 

“Time travel?” 

“Yep.”

“You have a time machine?” 

“It doesn’t work like that!” 

“How does it work then?” 

“Okay, so I don’t actually know. I just like, died and woke up in the past or something? It wasn’t on purpose.” 

“You died?” He tried to go over everything he knew about interrogation techniques in his head, but it was spinning. 

“Don’t say it like that. I know I sound crazy.” 

“You don’t sound crazy.” Song Lan lied. “Tell me exactly what happened.”

“Okay, so in my original timeline Xue Yang died like a week ago. Not a week ago in my time, I mean here a week ago. I came back to save his life. And like, I was expecting to disappear after I did, right? Like how can I be here if the circumstances that led to me being here don't exist anymore?”

“By that logic, if you vanished the changes you made would as well, which would revert everything back to the other way around, and the same thing would happen again.” 

“Oh right, well I don’t know how it works. Thinking about it too much is gonna give me a headache. Maybe I just get to stay as a reward for saving him? That would be cool. Or maybe I didn’t save him properly yet?” 

“How did he die?” 

“Well, you made him go talk to my biological father with that stupid wire on.” 

It was dangerous how much the kid knew. They had tried to hide Xue Yang’s undercover work from him, but living in the same apartment it was easy for him to overhear things, and Xue Yang wasn’t exactly keeping it a secret. Song Lan berated himself for being so careless. Though, was the teen just delusional and harmless, or did he actually work for Jin Guangyao? Both?

“That must have been difficult.” 

“Uh, well yeah, I guess. I don’t really remember it because I was too young, but I always wanted him to not be dead and stuff.” 

“Then what happened?” 

“You raised me. Don’t worry though, with Xue Yang saved he can do it instead. He would be much better for the job, so can we make sure he doesn’t get killed this time?” 

Song Lan tried to not be offended by the comment. It wasn’t like this delusion was even true, but did that mean over the past weeks Rusong had decided Xue Yang was the better father of the two of them and built the story around that? He shouldn’t be shocked, Xue Yang was better with them. And he let them do what they wanted, rather than enforcing strict rules. What child wouldn’t prefer that sort of parent? On the surface level anyway. Once they were older they would appreciate the structure in hindsight. Maybe that was wishful thinking on his part. Not everyone enjoyed having a strict parental figure the way he had when he was taken to live with his grandfather. He was just overthinking to try and logic his way out of hurt feelings.

“Xue Yang is not going to die.” 

Xue Yang chose that moment to come storming out of his room with a knife in one hand and a gun in the other. “I have an amazing plan!” 

“What do you think you’re doing? Don’t wave a gun around kids!” 

“I’m not waving it, I’m holding it.” 

“How do you even have that? Get it out of the apartment!” 

“What? You have one too.” 

“For work. In a gun safe. Where have you been keeping that?” 

“I’m not an idiot. It was in a safe spot. Anyway, do you wanna hear my plan or what?” 

“No! Whatever it is, we are not doing it.” He held out his hands for Xue Yang’s weapons.

Surprisingly he handed them over without protest. 

Song Lan took them to his safe, hoping his apartment would never get raided. Though, considering he already had a kidnapped child on the premises, an illegal firearm was just another nail in the coffin. 

The silence was uncomfortable. 

Everyone had something and nothing to say simultaneously. 

“Maybe we should run.” Xue Yang said. 

“Where?” 

“I don’t know. Somewhere remote? We could go into the mountains and start a daoist temple.” 

“That doesn’t sound very practical.” 

“Well, neither does kidnapping the child of a psychopathic crimelord, but here we are.” 

“As long as we are all alive, anywhere is fine.” Rusong said. 

“Starving to death, or dying of exposure in the mountains is not a plan. You can’t just build a temple.” 

“Not with that attitude.” Xue Yang laughed but at least he seemed self-aware the idea was stupid. 

“Aren’t things fine as they are? It has been working this long.” Rusong said.

“This was a close call.” 

“There’s no way A-Yao will be able to figure out it was you with us. Even if that kid describes you perfectly, you don’t have any features that stand out, and who would suspect the morally upstanding cop to have a kidnapped child stashed away in his apartment? As long as we’re here he will never find us.” 

“We can’t keep Rusong locked up his entire life. What about when he is old enough to go to school?” 

“Overrated. You can teach him, you’ve got boring math teacher vibes.” 

“He needs socialization.”

“Would you rather he be dead? Not everything is about the best case scenarios. Sometimes doing the ‘ right’ thing is worse." 

Song Lan raised his hands in surrender. “I know it is not that easy, but there has to be a better option.”

Xue Yang snorted. “There isn’t. In real life all options suck! Nothing is ever that perfect utopia naive idiots think you’re entitled to. And trying to force it just turns you into an anxious, pathetic control-freak. Let’s not get the kid killed for the sake of your idealism.” 

Song Lan watched the younger Rusong fiddle with the string on the older one’s hoodie. 

“We can’t keep him locked up forever, it is not right.”

“Baby plastic surgeon? I bet I could find a guy.” 

Song Lan shook his head. He had to bail to the kitchen for a coffee. 

The older Rusong followed. 

“You don’t believe me, do you?” He accused, voice low enough Xue Yang wouldn’t hear him from the other room. 

“No.” Song Lan didn’t have the energy to lie anymore. “I have more important things to worry about. Can you not bother me? Sorry.”

“Ask me something only I would know.”

“How would I know what only you would know?” 

“You’re my dad. I mean, ask me something personal about you. I know things.” 

It was strange being referred to as a dad. Song Lan tried to focus on the sound of the gurgling coffee maker rather than losing his mind. 

“When is my birthday?” 

“December twentieth, but you will just think I found that out on the internet.”

“Mmm.”

“It is my birthday in a few days, by the way. You had better spoil mini-me.”

“I will make noodles.”

“He wants cake.”

“You can ask A-Yang for that.” 

“You called him A-Yang!” Rusong grinned. “My scheme is going well.”

Song Lan was too exhausted to even be suspicious of whatever the scheme was. Or be embarrassed that the nickname he had indulged in a few times in fantasy had popped out in real life. At least Xue Yang hadn’t been around to hear it.  

“That question was too easy. Ask something no one else would know.” 

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, you are supposed to ask it.”

“It is not so easy to think of a personal detail no one except your future child would know. You think of something.” 

“Fine.” Rusong scrunched his brow. 

“Not so easy, is it?” 

“Are you making fun of me? Seriously? And when you think I am a crazy homeless kid lying about being a time traveler? This is bullying.” He opened the fridge, as if the answer to his problem was hiding in there.

“I’m not making fun of you.” 

“Are too – okay, I thought of something. You have emetophobia and you hate sweet stuff because you ate a bunch of cotton candy on your first trip to a theme park as a kid. You rode the roller coaster right after and threw up, and the puke tasted like sugar so you could never enjoy it again.” 

Was this kid psychic? Song Lan tried to rack his brain for how he could have possibly come across that information. Could it just have been a good guess, or was it too specific? Wait – which was more unbelievable, psychic powers or time travel? He wasn’t really going to entertain this as the possible truth, was he?

“Aha! You believe me now right? If I knew it was gonna be that easy – I guess it doesn’t make sense that I didn’t just tell you sooner. It would have been way less effort to stop you doing dumb stuff that might get Xue Yang killed. I know you hate him, but you don’t actually want him to die, right?” 

Things would have been a lot less complicated if Song Lan hated him. The possibility of some hypothetical future where Xue Yang died because of him was too much to think about. He needed a new approach. Whether he believed Rusong or not, it wasn’t outside of the realm of possibility that his actions could lead to his death. Maybe Xue Yang was right in saying he was prioritizing idealism. The likelihood of them successfully taking down a multi-generational crime organization was low. The likelihood of someone being hurt on the other hand – He was putting Xue Yang in harm's way. Maybe that had been what motivated him to begin with. On some level it made him feel better to put Xue Yang into dangerous situations. Keeping him safe felt like a betrayal. Like he was rewarding all the horrible things he had done. This was his way of not committing to either side. He didn’t have to turn Xue Yang in, but he also didn’t need to admit he had forgiven him. How could he? If his suspicions of everything the man had done were true – Why did he keep letting himself entertain the thought of forgiving him? Of keeping him forever.

It was masochistic. 

He was being childish, playing house. What he should have done from the start was put Xue Yang into witness protection, somewhere away from danger. He could find some way to hide Rusong’s identity. It wasn’t impossible. His vendetta against Xue Yang was over the top. There was a reason Xiao Xingchen made a point to tease him about it endlessly. He knew none of his proof would hold up in court. He didn’t have any idea what the man had actually done. It was just that no matter how he connected the dots on the evidence board, that red thread always led back to Xue Yang. 

Xue Yang had killed his grandfather. 

He was so close to sure about that. Yet he was letting him live comfortably under his roof, raising a child together. All while putting him in harm's way under the assumption he was guilty until proven innocent. Did it even matter if he had actually changed or not? Song Lan would be ruining more than one life if he kept pushing things. What he actually needed to do was remove himself from the picture entirely. Rusong and Xue Yang were happy together. He was pushing his nose in where it didn’t belong and involving himself more than he needed to be. Xue Yang’s parenting flaws weren’t any worse than millions of other people with children in the world. He knew by that point that he genuinely cared about the kid and would do his best. So what business did Song Lan have involving himself? 

It made no sense. 

This sort of life was not for him. He needed his work. Structure, order, control, everything a family went against. He had always been fine with that. Even as a child himself, he knew he wasn’t interested in women or marriage. He didn’t realize why exactly, until he was older and started to notice men, but by that point he had already accepted a life of solitude. It had always felt like there was this wall between himself and other people. Even the ones he cared about most. His grandfather. Xingchen. He always felt like he had to manage their perceptions. It was so difficult, not being misinterpreted. When you were a quiet person people projected whatever they wanted onto your silence. He was rude, creepy, shy, judgemental, underhanded, perverted, holding something back. If they knew he was gay they would make assumptions about him based on that as well. He tried to fill the blank space where an outgoing personality should have been, just enough to make people understand his intentions. 

It was exhausting. 

He had never been able to manage Xue Yang. What would he expect the man to think of him? Song Lan was the cop with a vendetta for him, of course he would build negative assumptions. But who was Xue Yang to judge? He killed people. Being looked down on by such a person was a compliment. By the time Song Lan had started to desire a positive interpretation from him, he had already realized the man’s perceptions were far too strange for him to anticipate. The moments when Xue Yang should have been judging him, the times when he expected him to, he would just smile and carry on like nothing worth criticizing had ever happened. Then when Song Lan tried to do something to please him, he would end up insulted. He didn’t bother trying to manage Xue Yang. It was not something Song Lan was used to. He didn’t have to be on edge all the time, worrying when would be the next mistake he made to cause offense. And that was really all it took. 

It shouldn’t be that easy to fall in love. Still, he was pretty sure that was what he was feeling. He hadn’t had much experience. The few times he thought he might have been, he always wound up overthinking, looking up the dictionary definition of love and checking off symptoms like he was ill. The results were always questionable. He was never sure. It was impossible to feel sure in a world with so many variables. Even with Xingchen, he convinced himself he loved him. Had spent weeks working up the courage to confess how he felt. Then Xingchen rejected him. Said he was asexual and there was no chance of Song Lan’s feelings being reciprocated. If what Song Lan had felt back then was really love, why had he only felt relieved? Not heart-broken, not even let down, instead he felt like he could finally calm down. After that he started to think he might be asexual too. He had just been confused all along. He wasn’t gay, he just took the first alternative to heterosexuality presented to him and ran with it. Imagining himself in the arms of another man was just a nervous habit he had developed. A fantasy, where physical contact didn’t make his skin crawl and he could feel comfortable existing in another person’s space. The person to give him that could not be Xue Yang. 

Impossible. 

It could never happen. So why was it not even a question that he was in love with him? He didn’t need to look up dictionary definitions, or analyze alternative explanations for why he felt the way he did when Xue Yang looked at him. It would be stupid to question something so obvious. Like questioning if the sky was blue. Xue Yang wasn’t a question, he was an answer. 

One that Song Lan felt horribly guilty about. 

What sort of person was he, falling in love with the serial killer who murdered his grandfather? Who else in the world even could relate to that situation? Where was he supposed to go for advice? They didn’t write books about it. Was he really fine with letting him get away with his crimes? With no retribution, just a peaceful life with no more violence? The thought shouldn’t feel good, but it did. He just wanted him to be happy. 

It hurt to think of Xue Yang and Rusong doing that without him, but not as much as imagining them trapped and miserable with him. Wanting to leave, but unable. They didn’t need him for anything other than money and a place to stay. He was financially manipulating them. They would be better off without him. In the idealist’s scenario he was not even in the picture.

The cake Xue Yang picked out for their birthday was cute. Rusong couldn’t wait to cut Winnie The Pooh’s stupid head off. He gave the decapitated head piece to his younger self. Xue Yang didn’t even know it was his birthday, so he couldn’t blame him for buying a cake personalized to the younger version of Rusong only. He couldn’t tell him either, that would be too much of a coincidence added onto the whole same name thing. After telling Song Lan the truth, Rusong really wanted to let Xue Yang in on the secret as well, but he didn’t want to freak Xue Yang out by telling him he should be dead. That would be weird. Rusong knew because he should have been dead too. 

“Why the fuck don’t you eating the icing? That’s the best part.” 

Rusong stared across the table at Xue Yang and Song Lan’s plates. Did they have to be polar-opposites in every aspect? It was like they were doing it on purpose. Song Lan’s had only eaten the middle bits of his slice, and Xue Yang’s had all the edges eaten off. 

“You guys are perfect for each other, you could have just shared one piece.” Rusong tried to reason.

Xue Yang helped himself to a bite off Song Lan’s plate. Song Lan gave a long-suffering look and passed the plate over, ignoring when Xue Yang gave him his own in exchange. There was no way he was going to eat it. Xue Yang enjoyed the extra icing though, so really they were compatible. Maybe that was a stretch, but Rusong really needed to keep his hopes up or else he might have to burn down another building to feel better. 

“I can’t believe you ate cake.” Xue Yang gloated. “I’m corrupting you.”

Little Rusong, to signify he was done, threw what was left of his on the floor. Happy birthday to the ground. Song Lan took the excuse to leave the table. Cleaning the floor, then escaping to the kitchen with little Rusong to clean him up as well. Xue Yang scooped the last of Song Lan’s cake into his mouth and stalked after him. Rusong followed too, in case he needed to mediate some drama. 

“Hey, how come you touch the kid, but don’t let anyone else touch you? He is way germier.”

Rusong had to hold back a laugh. Was Xue Yang really jealous of a toddler? 

“I let people touch me.” Song Lan said. 

“Bullshit. Like who?” 

“Anyone?” 

“I have never seen you touch anyone ever.” 

“Some touch is fine. I would just rather not be surprised with it.”

“Well, what is fine? Because walking on eggshells around you is starting to get boring.” 

“If that is what you call what you have been doing up to now, I dread to think what you are like when you’re not trying.” 

Xue Yang rolled his eyes. “Just tell me the rules and stop being cryptic about it.” 

“I don’t have rules.” 

“Yeah right, you have rules for everything.” 

“You can touch me if you want to.”

Xue Yang looked like he couldn’t decide if the desire to touch or the desire to deny he wanted to was winning. He grabbed Song Lan’s forearm. Neither of them seemed to know what to do after that. Song Lan went back to cleaning Rusong up. Xue Yang let go once he realized he wasn’t going to provoke a reaction. 

“You’re bluffing.” 

“What reason would I have to do that?”

“I don’t know. What reason would you have to be weird about it in the first place, if you didn’t even care?”

“I do care. It is situational.” 

Xue Yang scoffed. Song Lan finished with Rusong and redirected his attention to washing the dishes. Cleaning was his favorite method of distracting himself from uncomfortable conversations. He used to do it every time Rusong asked him for a dog. He’d actually used it to get out of cleaning his room a few times.

“I don’t like it when it is too sudden, or forced on me, or too light, or if I am in a bad mood, or if I don’t like the person.” 

“Oh really?” Xue Yang smirked and moved in closer. “Why’d you let me touch you then? Does this mean you like me?”

Song Lan hunched further over the sink, as if Xue Yang would disappear if he could only get absorbed enough in his task. 

“Obviously he likes you.” Rusong said for him. “He even called you A-Yang a few days ago.” 

Song Lan froze, his hands wrinkling in the soapy water. 

Xue Yang cackled. “Oh really? Then I’m allowed to touch you whenever, right? And in exchange you can call me A-Yang. Not just when you’re gossiping about me behind my back.” 

“Not – we weren’t gossiping,” Song Lan mumbled. 

Xue Yang looped his arms around Song Lan’s waist, draping himself on his back. Song Lan dropped the plate he was holding and it clanked into something else in the sink so hard Rusong was afraid he had broken it. Worth it though. They might as well get married already. He grabbed his younger self and escaped to the other room to give them privacy. 

Xue Yang took full advantage of his new touching privileges. He was touching Song Lan more often than he wasn’t. The two of them seemed to be engaged in a weird game of chicken, to figure out when Song Lan would snap and push Xue Yang off of him. 

They were so disgustingly in love, all Rusong needed to do was make them realize that and everything would be happy ever after. 

“Lanlan, try this.” Xue Yang had discovered a couple weeks earlier Song Lan’s unhealthy food exception was white chocolate. 

Ever since he had been making over-the-top white chocolate desserts. Song Lan had enjoyed the white chocolate-covered strawberries, but Rusong could tell he was getting annoyed the more he was manipulated into eating unhealthy food every day. Xue Yang didn’t notice. He was going to be disappointed when Song Lan inevitably snapped, but Rusong didn’t want to burst his bubble yet. And it was fine anyway, Song Lan obediently ate the little white chocolate cheesecake bites Xue Yang placed in front of him. 

“Good, right?” 

Song Lan nodded. 

“I know. I make the best housewife.” 

“You don’t have to do that.” 

“Do what?”

“Act like a housewife. I’m not financially supporting you so that you’ll be my servant.” 

Xue Yang looked offended. Maybe there would be a fight after all. Rusong sighed. 

“Why are you then? How am I supposed to know what you want me to do if you won’t even tell me?” 

“I don’t want you to do anything.”

“That’s such bullshit. There’s obviously something.” 

“What?” 

“What do you mean, what? Nothing is free, if you don’t know what you want, figure it out. You will hate me for not giving it to you, whether you are conscious you’re asking for it or not.” 

“I am not trying to use you.” 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t lower yourself to that.” 

“Why are you angry?” 

“I’m not.” Xue Yang’s disingenuous smile just made the lie more obvious. “This conversation is boring me. Why don’t you go pick up the stuff on the shopping list, if you want any dinner tonight.” 

“It’s your turn to go to the store.” 

“I went last time.” 

“No you didn’t.” 

“I did, remember we were watching that documentary about penguins and you were so invested that I went shopping for you instead.” 

“I thought that was two weeks ago.”

“Nope, it was last week. International Penguin Week. That’s why they had the documentary on.” 

“Oh, okay. I’ll go.” 

“Wait, no.” Xue Yang giggled, his bad mood seemingly forgotten. “I was totally lying. It is my turn. You’re so gullible. There’s no such thing as international penguin week, or maybe there is, fuck if I know when it would be though.”

Xue Yang didn’t come home. 

Rusong texted him and he didn’t respond 

“It’s not so surprising.” Song Lan said, and Rusong kind of wanted to slap him.

“He wouldn’t just run off without a word. What if he was kidnapped?” 

Song Lan sighed. “He probably realized there was nothing keeping him here.” 

“What are you talking about? He wouldn’t just leave.” 

“He has no morals. We don’t know what he would or wouldn’t do. Don’t forget he has sociopathic tendencies, he doesn’t see other people as people, just props. He was bound to get bored eventually.” 

“I can’t believe you. I thought you two were getting along better.”

“He was putting on an act. There’s no way he was genuinely happy being confined here.”

“Then – what? We’re not even going to look for him, all because of your dumb rejection issues? There is an evil crimelord after us, in case you’ve forgotten. We should at least make sure he is okay. If he really wants to leave you can mope about it afterwards.”

Song Lan paused for long enough that Rusong almost started yelling at him again, but then he stood up.

There was a bag of groceries abandoned on the sidewalk. 

Rusong didn’t want to look inside. But he had to.

The things they had been running low on – and candy. There was no mistake. Xue Yang wouldn’t have dropped that stuff unless something really bad had happened. He hated wasting food. Rusong had caught him eating all of his most disgusting failed recipe attempts before he would ever throw them out. 

He texted Song Lan. It didn’t take him long to get there.

“You go back to the apartment and look after Rusong. I’ll find him.” He passed over the stroller, sounding calm but looking like he might vibrate out of his skin with rage.

“What? That’s not fair. I want to help.” 

“You are helping. He needs to be looked after.”

“Xingchen-shushu can babysit.” 

“It’s better if you stay behind where it is safe. Just go home.” Song Lan didn’t wait for an agreement, he stormed off with a purpose. 

Rusong had already saved Xue Yang once. Hadn’t he earned the right to help by now? 

What even was Song Lan’s plan? Where was he going to go?

Rusong took out his phone and looked up Jin Guangyao. He was enough of a public figure for some of his schedule to be publicized. And he was hosting a charity event that day. Perfect. He wouldn’t have taken Xue Yang there obviously, but it was a lead. 

“Sorry, mini me. You can’t come along. Want to go spend the day with your Shushu?” 

“Yeah.” He agreed. 

Rusong was glad he would not have to deal with any protests. Well – he wasn’t convinced his younger self even knew who he was referring to, but he was getting dropped off whether he liked it or not.

Xue Yang had totally seen this coming. 

Things had been too good. 

Things were never good for him, so when he found himself tied to a chair in a warehouse he wasn’t at all surprised. Screw Song Lan, Xue Yang would have been a way better cop than him. His deductive abilities never failed. Just assume things will always go to shit in the worst possible way and you were always right. That was just the way of the world.

While it wasn’t the first time Xue Yang had found himself in the position he was in, he was thinking it might be his last. Usually he made sure to maintain a lot of exit strategies. Fail-safes to protect him when he got himself in dumb situations. But honestly, he had just been too fucking busy. 

Besides, it felt pointless, trying to protect himself after introducing such a blatant weak spot into his life. Anyone who wanted to get to him would only have to take one look and they would immediately know where to hit him so it hurt. What could you do in that situation? He was fucked. There was no bigger weakness than family. It had never been something he had to worry about himself before, just something he had used against other people on the regular. Now there he was, throwing himself in front of the bullet like a chump. 

The worst part was he didn’t even care. 

It felt nice. Funny how the things in the past that he thought would make him feel good, when he was actually in the moment just made him feel like shit. Beating to death his enemies didn’t satisfy him. No amount of status, sex, money, power, or whatever else people aspired to, satisfied him. For a long time he thought he was too broken to enjoy anything. Yet there he was, about to die, and he felt perfectly content. He finally found the right thing. This must have been what all those do-gooder types were talking about all along. Who knew?

“Xue Yang.” 

“Huh? Oh – uh yeah. You’re – that guy. Whatshisname. Really, you’re the best he could send? Tell him to come here and kill me himself.” 

Annoying Guy went off on a tangent, none of which Xue Yang listened to. He wasn’t going to let him ruin this moment for him. He was finally feeling. 

What it was like to care about something. 

What it was like to be the good guy. 

He valued that kid more than himself. It was hilarious. 

“Stop laughing!” Whatshisname slapped Xue Yang across the face. 

Ugh. Perv. He was totally getting off on the power-trip. 

As much as Xue Yang was enjoying being the good guy, he was pleased to find he was still himself. 

He still wanted to rip that guy’s carotid artery out with his teeth and gnaw on it like it was a licorice lace. And he would too, if the idiot would just get close enough. It wasn’t like it would help him or anything. Jin Guangyao wasn’t be stupid enough to only send one guy. For sure there were a bunch of armed guards outside the door. It was less about survival and more for fun. 

“Where’s the kid? We can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

Xue Yang burst out laughing again. “Are you serious? Haven’t you ever tortured anyone for information before? It’s about psychological manipulation. You gotta really freak ‘em out. This looks like the setup for a cheap TV show. No one is gonna be intimidated by this.” 

“You’ll be intimidated when I am tearing out your fingernails with pliers.” 

“That sort of shit doesn’t even work, dude. Unless you want a false confession. God, you’re useless. He really sent you? Was everyone else busy?” 

“Enough! Tell me where the kid is.”

“You really wanna know?”

“Yes?”

“Come closer, I’ll tell you.” 

He took a couple steps. 

“Closer, closer.”

The idiot leaned in and Xue Yang got his teeth in his neck firmly enough to draw blood. Unfortunately that was the extent of it before he jerked back. Xue Yang spit the mouthful of blood at his captor and it spattered beautifully across his nice white shirt. What a stupid thing to wear for a torture session.

“OW! Cocksucker, I’m going to make you suffer twice as much for that. Even after you tell me where the kid is I will keep torturing you.”

“Why would I tell you then? Kind of defeats the purpose of a threat.” Xue Yang licked the blood off his teeth. 

“SHUT UP.”

“You’re supposed to be making me talk, moron.”

“That’s enough. I’m just gonna kill you.”

“Oh come on. We both know A-Yao said you’re not allowed to kill me until you get the information.”

“Actually, this was just me trying for extra credit. He told me you’re impossible to work with and I should kill you outright.”

“What about the kid?” 

“He said it wasn’t like you had any friends to babysit for you, so with you out of the picture the kid would waste away wherever you stashed him.”

Xue Yang sneered and shrugged. This was fine. As long as A-Yao assumed the kid was dead then he would be safe. Things were going better than expected, actually. 

The sound of gunshots rang out.

That’s what he got for getting his hopes up. 

What shit was about to befall him now? The door burst open and Whatshisname got a bullet straight through the skull. Nice. Xue Yang was too distracted watching the puddle of blood pooling around his head to notice who was standing in the doorway. When he finally did he thought he must have been drugged. This was some torture hallucination or whatever. There was no way his Lanlan just spattered little bits of some guy’s brains across the floor. 

“That’s so hot.” Xue Yang was definitely drugged.

There was no other reason for him to feel so delirious, the torture hadn’t even started yet. 

“Look at you. A cold-blooded killer, just like me. How’s it feel?”

“This is not the same thing.”

“How come?”

“It’s – Never mind. It is exactly the same. You’re right.” He fumbled with his bindings. 

“I told you not to agree with me. Every time it’s creepy.” Xue Yang had almost forgotten he was not trying to bite the arteries out of anyone who got close, that was the only reason he felt the overwhelming urge to get his mouth on Song Lan’s neck when he leaned in to untie him. “You could just cut the rope, you know? There’s a bunch of torture implements on that table over there, one of them is bound to be pointy.” 

There may have been hope for him yet, he pulled out a knife from god knows where and cut him free. Since Xue Yang was totally on drugs and not acting of his own volition, he didn’t need an excuse for why the first thing he did with his arms free was wrap them around Song Lan’s neck. Even if he wasn’t on drugs and this was just a little adrenaline rush, it wasn’t his fault, he had just gotten used to being touchy with him. His teasing had become instinctual. It didn’t mean anything.

Song Lan’s arms wrapping around his waist in response was new. 

He breathed in the smell of him, so he could pretend he was back home one last time while he still had the chance. He wasn’t convinced he was saved. The other shoe would drop. Things were never this good. How could they carry on being this happy? He might actually die from it. 

If he was fucked anyway, he might as well do whatever he felt like. 

He sunk his teeth into Song Lan’s bottom lip. He had sort of expected Song Lan to punch him after, not stick his tongue in his mouth. There was blood all over too. He must have been disgusted. So why was he kissing him so sweetly? 

Oh, right. 

He was hallucinating. 

And probably about to die. 

“C’mon, we need to get out of here. It isn’t safe.” Song Lan mumbled against his lips.  

Xue Yang was beginning to prefer this hallucination version. The real one was the type to always anal-retentively keep both hands on the steering wheel while driving, this hallucination version let Xue Yang keep hold of him the whole ride home. Maybe he needed to take up drugs, hallucinating was pretty nice.

Jin Guangyao chose to throw this particular charity event on what was most likely the grounds of one of his rich friend’s vacation homes. He must have guilt-tripped them into volunteering it to save the children or whatever. Really it was just about his own posturing. The place was oozing wealth, and he had made sure to plaster pictures of his face around at regular intervals. 

People of various social status were milling about, it was easy enough for Rusong to blend in. He helped himself to a strawberry tart off the snack table as he tried to assess what he was working with. There was an elaborate stage set up, awaiting the guest of honor. Security was easy enough to spot because they were all wearing earpieces. The area behind the stage was fenced off with chainlink fencing, but you couldn’t see through it. Large banners were covering every inch, hiding what was happening on the other side. Implying there was something people would be interested in peeking at back there. Suspicious. That or they just used every available space to hang advertisements, but that was less interesting. 

It wasn’t even difficult to sneak back there. 

He had expected someone like Jin Guangyao to be more paranoid about security, but the team he had sucked. Rusong slipped past with no effort. It was like they weren’t even paying attention. Then it only took a little bit of meandering to find Jin Guangyao’s trailer. Rusong assumed it was his anyway, as his voice was coming from inside. 

“Do you have to bother me with this right now? I have more important things to worry about. My wife is filing for divorce, my stocks are tanking, my plans with the senator fell through.”

“I understand that, but security is important. If yours had been better, your son would still be here.” a different voice barked. 

This guy knew the security was terrible too then. 

“You have no shame, do you? Why are you bringing up my missing son? I have a speech to do in a few minutes, you’ll make me upset.” Jin Guangyao sounded too frazzled to even pretend to care, there was no actual upset behind his words.

“There’s always something. I have been telling you to improve your security for years, you never do anything about it.” The guy huffed, loud enough to be heard from outside. “Just let me deal with it.”

“Ah, I am not sure the type of people you’d hire would be qualified.”

“The useless idiots you have now are better?” 

“They have some specific skills.” 

Rusong assumed what Jin Guangyao meant was that those guys were willing to do illegal stuff. The angry man wasn’t catching on though. He was mostly just yelling. 

“Where’s your head of security? I’ll talk to him. This isn’t good enough.”

“He has other matters to attend to today. He is not on the premises.”

“During an event this size? Are you joking?” 

“I’m short-staffed, I don’t know what to tell you. Mingjue, as grateful as I am to you for letting me use your property to host this event, this really isn’t any of your business.” 

Rusong had to duck out of sight when the two made their unannounced departure from the trailer. He snuck in after the bickering faded into the distance, but couldn’t find anything incriminating. He went to watch the speech instead. 

It felt surreal. He wasn’t really sure why, until he remembered he hadn’t actually seen his biological father in person since the day Xue Yang had taken him. He had looked him up online enough times he was used to his face, but his presence in real life was a whole other thing. Like he was smaller than expected. He was just some guy. Rusong got more and more annoyed the longer he had to listen to his speech. Some bullcrap about saving the children – What a hypocrite. When he started telling the sob story of his own missing toddler, as if he was genuinely heart-broken, that was the last straw. Rusong wasn’t usually one for impulsive actions. What he decided to do next actually completely went against his nature, but rage makes you do strange things. He barged onto the stage and joined his biological father at the microphone. 

Jin Guangyao had perfected the art of a polite smile, so he didn’t show much reaction to the interruption. His eyes darted to the nearest security guard, who didn’t seem to know if this was supposed to be happening or not. 

“Hi!” Rusong said into the mic. “Um, I’m an orphan from the charity, here to give a surprise thank you to this dude! The reason we are all here today. Our esteemed patron. Jin Guangyao! What a guy.” He probably should have planned ahead, he had no idea where he was going with this. 

Jin Guangyao’s smile looked more strained. “Oh really? Well, who doesn’t love surprises?” 

“Yeah, like, can you believe, just before this, he told me he was actually planning on donating another few million to the charity? He didn’t want to announce it publicly, but what a philanthropist.” The crowd applauded. 

Jin Guangyao had a look of rage in his eyes that his smile couldn’t cover up. “Haha, did I say that?” 

“You’re too modest, you should make the donation out in the open so you can set a good example for others.”

Jin Guangyao looked to the audience as if they were the only thing stopping him from committing a homicide. “Of course. Well, thank you for the lovely surprise. If that’s all…” He grabbed Rusong’s shoulder and tried to guide him away. 

Rusong latched his hands around the microphone. “No, no. I have more to say. I’m sure everyone here has heard a lot about your missing son.” 

He dug his fingers into Rusong’s shoulder, hard enough to hurt.

“But actually, someone I care about is missing too.”

“How unfortunate.”

“Maybe the same person is responsible for both disappearances? Whoever it is must be really terrible, right? Like the worst person alive.” 

“Yes, I’m sure they are. We can only hope they are brought to justice one day.” 

Rusong kind of wanted to hurl the microphone right into Jin Guangyao’s smug face. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. 

Jin Guangyao somehow looked more offended by his lack of decorum, checking his phone on stage, than he had been before. 

found him his dad had texted, along with a selfie taken by Xue Yang, of the two of them looking bloody but otherwise fine. 

Rusong was suddenly hyperaware of the ridiculousness of the situation he had walked into. Could he text his dads for help? That would be kind of lame. 

“So uh, yeah. Anyway, thanks for the donations and everything.” He tried to back off stage. 

Jin Guangyao chuckled and let him leave. 

It all seemed like an easy escape, until a hand grabbed the back of his shirt.

Jin Guangyao took his time finishing his speech before he joined Rusong where he had been dragged off to. A private area behind the trailers, where no one would hear him scream or whatever. 

“Leave us alone.”

“But-” 

“It’s just a child, I’ll be fine.” 

The big guy shot him a glare, but stalked off. 

“Now. Who are you?” 

“Didn’t you hear me earlier? I am from the charity.”

“No, you’re not.” 

Rusong shrugged. “Does it even matter?”

“You cost me a lot of money today.” 

He wanted to yell out something dramatic like ‘you cost me my dad’, but it was confusing if he was allowed to call Xue Yang that yet, and there was some other stuff he wanted to throw in there too. Jin Guangyao interrupted before he had time to think of a cool way to say everything. 

“Was this someone’s idea of a prank?” 

“Yeah! Totally. That is what it was. It was really funny, right? Gotcha.” 

“Hilarious.” Jin Guangyao pulled a gun out of his pocket so casually that it could have been his wallet. “Tell me who you are.” 

“HELP!” Rusong yelled, without really thinking about it first. 

The gun went off.

It took a second to register. 

He put a hand over the bloody spot spreading across his stomach. It felt weird, like getting stung by the biggest wasp on the planet. 

“Oops,” said Jin Guangyao, as the Mingjue guy ran over. “No, uh – It wasn’t me.” He dropped the gun. 

The adults started arguing with each other. Were they even paying attention to him? He needed an ambulance. Rusong fell over.

The stupid sky was insultingly blue. He couldn’t even roll over to look away from it, it hurt too much. He wished he’d fallen face first, he would have preferred to look at the dirt. It seemed like a more fitting end for his dumb life. A bubble floated by and he wanted to laugh, but he had to abort the act at the first twitch of his stomach muscles. Ouch.

Seriously? 

Like this? After his previous dying fakeout, his heart wanted to believe there was still a chance. That some magic would rescue him again, like the same one that pulled him through time to begin with. What did it matter, when even the first miracle had led him back to the same place in the end? 

Doomed. 

He was for sure doomed. 

Or cursed. 

Something like that. 

Maybe in another universe things could have worked out. Like in some G-rated universe, where no one ever really died, and soulmates always got married, and everyone lived happily ever after. 

He obviously wasn’t in that universe though.

In this one it was just a constant pointless struggle. Why keep trying for something you wouldn't even get to keep? Why bother avoiding something that was inevitable? Especially when it was so much effort. It felt so nice to give up. Not nice in the way that happiness felt nice. It hurt, but it felt good as well, like letting out a breath you have been holding in for way too long. 

At least he had fixed things for his dads and the alternate version of himself. Assuming fate didn’t just fuck little-him over at the next avalible opportunity. 

He felt like his whole existence had been about other people, never himself. Maybe that was the same for everyone. They were dragged kicking and screaming into a world where the only guarantee is suffering and death, for nothing but the whims of their parents. Just like puppies.

He wished he had never been born to start with. Maybe he shouldn’t have. It made sense. In that perfect storybook world there wouldn’t be any fucked up incest babies. Things like that wouldn’t happen, and he wouldn’t have ever existed to start with. Maybe his death was the universe trying to correct itself. 

His chest clenched to think of what else would cease to exist, were that the case. His dads would be alone. What reason would they have to be around each other without him? All their stupid little moments together would disappear. He didn’t want them to be gone. What did his genetics matter? Who gave a fuck who his biological parents were? What did it matter if he was doomed? So was everyone else. He wanted to eat gross fast food, and play with his puppies, and listen to his dads’ bickering again. It wasn’t fucking fair. 

It’s not like he was asking for a lot, so why was it too much? Why was he the one cursed when some people got to live in mansions until they were ninety just because they won the birth lottery? Maybe it was karma from some past life, or there was a god who decided Rusong was a terrible person and deserved nothing good ever? – or the opposite? Cruelty was threaded through the fabric of reality, and only the evil ever got rewarded. 

It was nice he got to leave. A relief. It was also nice to lie there and look at the sky. He could appreciate it while it lasted. Living was just like blowing bubbles. It would be weird if they didn’t burst. 

He hoped his alternate self would get to blow lots of stupid bubbles, and the little brat wouldn’t take it for granted. 

The relieved feeling was gone. He wanted to tear something apart instead. The gods – or that asshole Jin Guangyao – his own fucking body for failing him. He swallowed the rage down, but cold dread gushed into the empty space left behind. He was all over the place. Shouldn’t death be more peaceful? He didn’t want to cry, that would be such an uncool death. 

It was just the annoying blue sky stinging his eyes. 

He was tired. If only he wasn’t the type of person to stay up in bed all night overthinking everything. Maybe he could have relaxed into death like a good night’s sleep. Instead his brain was clinging on to every bit of anxiety until the bitter end, as always. Enough already.

The ringtone Rusong had chosen as his alarm was a mistake. 

It had sounded cool when he picked it, but it was way too obnoxious to wake up to. 

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up. 

Something felt off, but he couldn’t quite place what. 

Had he been having a weird dream? 

The memories flooded back to him all at once. 

Two sets of them. 

He wasn’t sure which he had started with and which were new. 

Had he always been the Rusong with two dads, who just acquired the memories of some alternate version of himself who had possessed him like some weird demon? Was it the other way around? Or was it all just a dream? 

He felt like two people at once. 

But they were both in agreement that the one thing they wanted right then was to see their dads. 

That and a plate of whatever that smell coming from the kitchen was. 

Xue Yang was cooking breakfast. Nice . That was why it smelled so good. 

Rusong stood in the doorway to his bedroom and watched Xue Yang humming as he hovered by the stove. Song Lan came out of the bathroom and joined him, wrapping an arm around his waist and giving him a kiss on the temple. One set of memories in Rusong’s head wanted to cringe at the mushyness, while the other half of him was overjoyed. 

So much so that tears streamed down his cheeks. 

He ran over and made it a group hug.

“What is up with you?” Xue Yang laughed. “Since when do you hug? Who do I have to kill?” 

Rusong clung to them tighter. “I’m really glad you aren’t dead.”

Song Lan laughed and ruffled his hair. 

His laugh made Xue Yang blush and get this dumb fond look on his face still, you would think he would have been used to it by then. Though it was probably the first time Rusong’s expression had matched his. 

He wanted to ask Song Lan if he remembered.

If all that stuff had really happened. 

Just to verify he wasn’t crazy. 

But if he was crazy, would it really matter anyway? 

He was just happy to be there. 

Not having the kid around anymore would be weird though. 

Maybe he could force them to adopt another. 

What could go wrong?