Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Recently, I have been plagued by several feelings that have been stirring within but I can't put a finger on. I was able to trace when these feelings arise, and found that they usually occur whenever I am in Rui's presence.

In order to better understand and trace the reasons behind these feelings, I will be keeping track of these occurrences in this diary for recordkeeping purposes.

As of this writing (January 24th, 16XY), I am aware of the following symptoms:

• Heart palpitations (often when seeing him smile, but not all the time. Needs more evidence.)
• Unusually high levels of happiness (often when seeing Rui in my office. Because it's him? Because his reports are usually intriguing? Needs investigation)
• Mild nervousness (unable to keep track of when exactly so far. Occurs with various people)

According to an old medical tome, the above symptoms along with many others are indicative of possible end-stage cancers. Owing to the dubious accuracy of self-diagnosis (and my horrendous track record thus far with self-medication) I have opted instead to continue observing these unusual symptoms until I can find a conclusive answer.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: palpitations, accidental smiling

Rui dropped by today to submit a report on an experiment he had been working on for the past week.

I haven't actually read the report since he'd only just left, but while watching him report his findings, he began to smile the longer he rambled. He became a lot more animated than he usually was. It must have been something he really enjoyed.

Based on this, it's likely that his excitement was simply contagious. It's rare for him to talk at length like that, so that might have made this moment even more (several ink blotches dot the page here)

important? precious? Maybe this is the word.

I'm glad that I started this diary. It's not something I want to forget.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: breath hitching, loss of words, mouth freezing in place

It rained while we were out surveying the forest.

Unfortunately, neither Rui nor I came prepared with an umbrella. We sought shelter under a large (oak? Or perhaps it was a beech?) tree, but we were already drenched thoroughly by then.

While waiting for the rain to let up, I faced the other way and started taking off my shirt and waistcoat since it was getting uncomfortable. I heard Rui curse under his breath and sneeze, so I turned around to check in on him.

Since it was pretty cold, his fingers were trembling and he was struggling to get a proper hold on the buttons to undo them. He was only halfway down his shirt when he let out another sneeze.

It would be bad if he caught a cold because of this, so I approached him to help him unbutton his shirt. Rui quickly withdrew his hands when our fingers brushed against each other. After I was done, he thanked me in a soft voice and I nodded in kind, turning away so that he could take his shirt off with some privacy.

We waited a little longer in silence after that and as the rain got heavier, Rui took a few steps closer to the middle of the tree's shade so that the stray sprays of rain wouldn't hit him. That was when I realised that he was shivering.

I don't know what overcame me when I added his clothes to my pile and slung them over my shoulder without saying a word. He stopped protesting when I grabbed his hands. As expected, they were freezing cold.

Saki always told me that my hands were warm and toasty so I always held her hands whenever she felt chilly during winter as kids. I made sure to squeeze his hands tight, just like how I did for Saki back then.

I looked up to ask if he was feeling better, but he only averted his gaze. I didn't mind too much. I focused my attention back to his hands and noticed for the first time how long his fingers were and how large his hands were. It reminded me of the life-like portraits I saw in art galleries back in the capital: beautiful, and unblemished, forming a satisfying contrast against the callouses hidden on the other side.

I don't know how long I held his hands for, but he eventually pulled them back even though I could still see him shivering a little. His cheeks were pink if my eyes didn't betray me. It was probably due to the cold. He thanked me curtly and turned away.

I didn't know what to say after that. My jaw was too stiff for me to respond even though I knew I had to say something.

We ended up having to cancel the survey for the day and return to the estate. I have to check in on him afterwards to see if he's alright after all that.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: accelerated heart rate (23 occurrences)

First occurrence: Morning, while on the way to Rui's room to ask for his thoughts on a report. Lasted for a while (unable to confirm when the symptoms passed as I was too engaged with the discussion to remember. Probably stopped sometime mid-discussion.) No other unusual symptoms otherwise.

Second occurrence: Afternoon, at the cafeteria. While eating alone, Rui asked if he could take the seat facing me. Seeing as it was crowded, I obliged. Acceleration lasted longer than the first occurrence, only returning to normal about 10 minutes after Rui left.

Third occurrence: Afternoon, shortly after writing this entry. Was able to hear my heartbeat as I wrote. Heartbeat is slowing down now.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: forgetfulness/possible memory loss

On January 29th, Rui reported sick.

To be precise, he started swaying while in the middle of a meeting that day. We had to postpone the meeting until he gets better, and I brought him back to his room to rest.

It turns out he did catch a cold from that rainy day and had been trying to tough it out until his body finally gave out. I don't know why he keeps trying to push himself even when he's unwell, but I made sure he rests properly this time by making soup and porridge for him and checking in on him regularly throughout the day.

But ever since, I have been absentminded and more negligent of my duties.

I admit that there are times when I experience great difficulty trying to confront the mountain of work presented to me, but this feels different.

It usually happens when I'm checking in on him. Initially, I was only falling behind on the reports that needed reviewing. It wasn't too big of a deal since it just meant I needed to put in a few extra hours every now and then to complete these tasks.

Then, since February began perhaps, I was even forgetting about meetings and surveys that required my attendance. This was when it stood out to me. I usually keep a close eye on my work appointments since they often require me to show up prepared and ready for feedback. Rui ended up having to remind me to get back to work several times when I stayed with him for too long (I was late for a meeting once because of this, and barely made it in time for several others.)

I have a lot of responsibilities to fulfill everyday, and I know that I cannot shirk them in favour of looking after Rui. But there are times when I wonder why I couldn't just do so.

I will continue to monitor this forgetfulness for the next month in case it is a symptom of something more dire that requires medical attention.

I need to prepare for another meeting starting in an hour, and will have to end this entry here.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: breath hitching, accelerated heart rate

Rui said that he's well enough to get back to work tomorrow. I couldn't hear the rest of what he said after that because I felt my heart rate accelerate and couldn't focus.

When I tried to reply, my words were caught in my throat. He looked at me with a strange look, which I suppose was understandable given my strange behaviour. I had to take a moment to clear my throat and it thankfully eased enough of the tension for me to express that I was glad he was recovering.

He did ask if I was falling ill myself. He was probably worried that he'd spread his cold to me, but I reassured him that I was fine. I appreciated the concern, but that was a sign that these wayward symptoms were becoming far too blatant if they were drawing attention like this.

I should see a physician soon if this persists...

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: heart palpitations, trembling hands, muscle tension

I saw a nice pair of gloves at the clothing store in town the other day and thought of that rainy day. Since Rui didn't seem to have any warm gloves of his own, I purchased a pair to give to him.

Rui dropped by today to hand over some reports, so I reached under my desk to take the paper bag out for him. But in that moment, I felt my limbs tense and my heart rate accelerated drastically. Sensing that I was not in an ideal state, I quickly came up with a fib, saying that I might have left the gift in my room.

It felt awful.

After he left, I took a few deep breaths to calm the tremors in my hands, but they wouldn't cease. Some of the shaking has also affected my writing here.

Spring is coming soon. I can't delay this gift for too long.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: brief forgetfulness/memory loss

I just got back from Rui's room.

One of the maids said that she hasn't seen him in a few days, so I decided to pay him a visit to make sure that he's not overworking himself again.

Unsurprisingly, his door was unlocked and I went in. It was warm and strangely stuffy. He was on the floor, curled up in a heap of blankets next to the mini gas heater he'd made for himself. Was he always this afraid of the cold?

Seeing as he was still unconscious, I decided to head down to my room to pick up the gloves I'd gotten and leave it on his desk.

Before I knew it, I was occupying myself by tidying up the books and papers scattered all around me and for a brief moment, I even forgot why I was in his room in the first place. It was still 3pm in the afternoon so he needed to be awake and not passed out. Also, there was a work function in a few days and I needed to update him on the finalised info.

He finally stirs awake just as I was about to shake him, but it was getting so stuffy that I was also beginning to perspire quite a bit.

It might have been a mistake on my part to ask him a question while he was half-awake.

Rui refused to let me open the windows.

We went back and forth for a while on why and why shouldn't I air the room out for a bit, but from my perspective, it just felt like Rui didn't want to open the windows because of the cold.

That's not a good reason to make his room suffocatingly hot, though. Besides, he was going to risk losing all of his findings, books, and other papers to mold and fungus.

When I swung the windows open, the draft of wind scattered some of the documents on his desk and he started frantically trying to catch them in the air while complaining about the cold.

The sight left me... for lack of a better word, I'll say speechless here. That's probably the best word I can use to describe my state of mind at the time.

Nothing came to mind. Nothing left my mouth. All I could see was him.

I only snapped out of this dazed moment when he waved his hand in front of my face. I left in a hurry after that.

Ah. I also forgot to mention the gift.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: listlessness, lethargy

Rui was our representative for today's peacekeeping mission with the people of the forest.

It's more like a monthly visit to exchange pleasantries and maintain relations between the two communities. Since the incident 2 years ago, our communities have been tight-knit and we have since established various joint initiatives to educate the townspeople about the forest and vice versa. The last joint hunting trip organised by Emu and Nene saw a huge turnout and reception also exceeded expectations.

But there were some who were still suspicious of Rui, which I can't blame them for. He has been working hard to dispel those suspicions surrounding him, and I recognise his efforts to make up for his felonies. I'm usually on the lookout in case anything happened whenever it was Rui's turn to fulfill this duty.

Before he left, he dropped by to thank me for the gift. I saw that he had them in his pocket when he turned to leave, so I'm glad that he's able to find a use for them so soon.

I spent most of the day spacing out in the middle of tasks. I found myself looking out the window every few minutes to see if the rain had stopped, but it didn't stop until 7pm. The sky was grey as far as I could see.

Gloomy. Dull. Cold.

There hasn't been any incidents concerning Rui for over a year now. It should be fine, right? I could always ask him after he gets back.

But still, this combined with the rain...

On top of that, there was also a mild fatigue that has been weighing on me all day. I couldn't focus, and ended up putting off most of the work that wasn't due immediately for tomorrow. It wasn't a wise move, but I wasn't making much progress either.

I can see Rui coming back now. It seems like everything was alright. I'll end this entry here.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: palpitations, rising body temperature, sudden feeling of dread

I took the day off yesterday to visit my family. I'd consulted Rui (in my off-time) some time last week on what flowers would be make a good gift for Saki and mom, and to my delight, they both loved the bouquets I'd gotten for them.

For future reference: Saki loved the white camellias, while mom loved her carnation bouquet.

Of course, I made sure to tell Rui when he reported to me just now to catch me up on what I'd missed yesterday.

But when he smiled in response, I felt a sense of despair growing in the pit of my stomach. I didn't understand why I felt like this. He was already excusing himself by then, so I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

But now I can't stop thinking about it. Was there something I missed?

I feel like I should have said something else, but what?

While tidying up my office, I spotted two stalks of camellias beneath my desk - one was a brilliant red, while the other was a muted, yet lustrous pink. The blooms are exceptionally beautiful. Whoever left these here must have taken great care of them. I have never seen such large and beautiful blooms in any of the florists I've visited.

But it's strange that the person simply left these under my desk, where I could accidentally trample upon them with a careless misstep. Were they left here by accident?

I filled a simple vase I had in my room to put the two flowers in and left it by my desk for the rest of the day.

I feel honoured to be the recipient of such magnificent blooms. I wish the giver had left a card with the flowers so that I could thank them in private. It's the least I could do.

It's amazing how simple acts like these could improve one's mood so dramatically.

When Rui came earlier to submit some documents, he kept shooting glances at the camellias in the middle of our conversation. It took me everything I had to calm myself sufficiently to sustain the conversation amidst my rapidly accelerating heartbeat once I noticed that.

I also only realised that my cheeks were burning up after Rui had left.

I wonder what that was all about.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: possible insomnia

I am unable to sleep.

The adrenaline coursing through my veins wouldn't wear off.

I am plagued by this (several ink blotches dot this line) yearning that wouldn't go away. I don't know what for.

My eyes refuse to shut. My mind refuses to sleep.

These symptoms might be worse than I thought.

Why can't I stop thinking about to- (the ink trails off to the bottom of the page and is smudged)

Chapter Text

Obsrrved symptoms: clamming up, accelerated heart rate, muscle tension

I ended up falling asleep in my office in the middle of writing the last entry. Thankfully, most of it was still intact, but most of the blank space is now filled by a large patch of ink stains.

Rui found me sprawled over the page with ink smudged all over my cheeks and chastised me for not sleeping properly, which is rich coming from him, but I couldn't bring myself to come up with a proper response since I'd just woken up and needed to clean up quick.

Realising that he was sneaking a glance at last night's entry, I jolted up and shut this diary immediately. But why? Was it because several pages happened to concern him? Or did I not want him to worry? My hands wouldn't budge from the book. I felt like I was a child all over again, getting caught sneaking pastries out of the kitchen by mom.

Regardless, his curiosity seems to be piqued. He proceeded to ask if there was anything wrong on my end.

I bit my lip as I tried to find the words to respond. I couldn't lie to him. If this was a serious medical condition, he needed to be privy to it as well. But for some reason, I couldn't bear to bare all my writings to him. The least I could do was keep him in the loop about my overarching concerns.

Thankfully, he was understanding and seemed to get that it was a private matter close to heart that I couldn't go into too much detail about. He said he'll keep an eye out for me and assured me that I could approach him if it ever worsens. I appreciated the sentiment.

But I felt awful about keeping this a secret from him.

Did he manage to parse what I'd written in the last entry before he woke me up?

What should I do? The palpitations wouldn't go away, yet I'm paralysed and unable to snap out of this funk.

I wish I could curl up under my desk, but I can't.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: lethargy, insomnia, wave of melancholy

I couldn't sleep much last night again but I forced myself to stay in my room this time.

Keeping myself up for the rest of the work day is becoming a challenge.

I feel quite out of it lately. It feels like I've been swept away by a sudden wave of sadness. It feels like nothing is working out for me. I'm still as confused as I was when I first started writing in this diary.

Will this pass in due time, or is this a symptom of another serious issue?

There are a few creases forming on the camellias' petals. This fact certainly didn't help my mood. At the very least, I'd like to preserve them in some way before they wither. They were a simple addition to my desk, yet they have done lots for me over the past few days.

Rui is quite fond of flowers. Maybe he knows a way to preserve them?

The melancholy seems to be colouring my very own courage. Just the thought of seeking him out is keeping me frozen in place. Putting my quill down feels like an insurmountable task.

But I can't avoid him forever. He's of no fault. I have to find him if I want a solution to this problem.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: muscle tension, listlessness

Emu dropped by this morning.

She had a thick straw coat on to ward off the cold. It's been a few months since our last meeting, so I poured a cup of tea for her in my private quarters. With lots of sugar the way she likes it, of course.

It was a pleasant conversation. I'm always keen to hear about how her tribe is doing while I update her on what's happening in town and back in the capital.

When she asked me about how I was feeling lately, I found myself stumped.

Was my turbulent mood becoming apparent? I always knew that Emu was quite the empath, so she might just have a sharp eye to pick out feelings without the other party explicitly mentioning them. It's an enviable skill. It didn't feel like she was trying to pry in an intrusive manner, so I divulged a little of my current predicament to her.

I tried not to mention Rui too much while explaining my symptoms to her. While explaining everything to her, I felt my limbs tense up the longer I rambled. It was peculiar. I appreciate that she was such a good listener. She told me that she could ask for medicine to relieve some of the symptoms if I'd like, but I rejected the kind offer. I think a diagnosis might be more helpful in this case, so I was considering seeing a doctor by March if things don't improve.

Although... Now that I think about it, should I see a physician from town or the doctor from Emu's tribe? Or maybe I should see both and compare diagnoses?

Ah, how could I forget.

I was over the moon today. Excessively so.

I wasn't able to focus for most of the day. I consulted Rui about the camellias yesterday and to my delight, he offered to help me preserve them. I asked if it was possible to have both flowers on the same sheet so that I could have them both in the one picture frame, and he said it was. I'm really grateful to him. I told him that he could pick out any frame he liked for it. All I really wanted was for the flowers to be preserved anyway, and I think he has a better eye for stuff like this too.

I also asked if he happened to know who dropped the camellias off in my office while I was away since he usually visits my office daily to submit paperwork even before I'm in. Unfortunately, he said he didn't catch sight of anyone when he dropped by on the 14th and 15th, so it seems like I might never be able to give the camellia giver my proper thanks.

It's a shame. The blooms were truly remarkable and they made my day for the past few days. Rui said that they were probably happy enough knowing that I'd received them, but I still wish I could meet them properly to express my gratitude.

All of this happened yesterday, but it still feels like 5 minutes ago. I wish time could go faster so that I could see how the pressed camellias looked already.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: (hyper?) elevated mood, listlessness, inability to focus

Rui said that the pressed camellias would be ready by the end of the month. I was so excited I almost leapt up at him. Thankfully, I still had enough self-control to keep myself together mid-conversation. I don't think he appreciates having his personal boundaries invaded. He did tell me to cut it out with the, and I quote, 'creepy smile', though. Was it that bad? Still, I couldn't thank him enough. I offered to treat him to a meal this coming weekend for all the trouble and he said that he'd consider it.

Yay.

I spent the rest of the day in high spirits. I couldn't sit still. I went out for a walk after lunch but still felt supercharged and fidgety. I didn't manage to get through much of the reports as a result, so this wouldn't do. I need to snap out of it, but I can't help it. I can practically feel my heart flutter in anticipation of the 28th.

Only 8 more days. I can be patient, I can't let this distract me from my duties.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: accelerated heart rate, listlessness

I have been feeling more distracted than usual. It's probably because I'm counting down to the 28th, but it still feels worthy of concern. I've also been spending my off-times surveying the eateries in town to find out where would be a good place to sit down with Rui and have dinner together.

Now that I'm actually looking at the food menus with Rui's preferences in mind, I'm actually finding it difficult to find a place that serves absolutely no vegetables of any kind. This may be a difficult concession to make should he actually accept my offer. Perhaps it's time for him to finally have some salad for once.

There aren't many options left unless he picks something that lets him pick the vegetables out easily from the dish. Or we could have a snack or dessert instead? But that doesn't feel sufficient for this large of a favour... I could prepare something, or maybe...

I'm getting carried away again.

The sheer number of options available is overwhelming me it seems. I should think about this later after Rui gives me his answer.

Ah. I forgot to mention the rising heartrate.

I already know the culprit. The more engaged I get with planning this meal that may not even happen in the first place(!), the more excited I become, resulting in the palpitations. Thanks to my distracted state of mind, it takes me longer than usual to notice these symptoms too.

Could it be another contributing factor to my less-than-ideal state?

I need a minute to cool down.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: excessively high spirits, insomnia

Rui gave me a few sachets of lavender tea today.

Apparently it has soothing effects and should be able to help with my insomnia. I'm grateful that he's being so considerate even though I didn't tell him much the other day. He proceeded to quip that it might even help smooth out the crease between my brows and left once he'd said his piece.

Why does he always have to be this abrasive whenever he's trying to be nice? This is precisely why he always gets misunderstood by the people around him.

Nevertheless, I tried it out. The tea didn't help much with the symptoms, though. Should I try drinking some again tomorrow?

I've had my fair share of floral teas from time to time, but I've never had any that were ineffective to this extent (sorry, Rui). It's a shame, because the aroma and flavour were immaculate in spite of that.

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

I couldn't sleep again. There are only 3 sachets left, and I already used one this afternoon. I can't squander the remaining ones so soon.

Maybe a whiff of their scent will help... I'll bring the cannister to my room and sleep with it by my pillow.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: lethargy, insomnia (recorded last night), restlessness

I went on a long walk to get some fresh air during my lunch break. Which isn't to say that I always stay indoors at work. I lead some surveys and attend to events in town at times during work hours and I go for a run as part of my workout routine before dinner everyday. But with how I've been lately, I felt the need to get my body up and running to stave off the fatigue and refresh myself. I kept feeling an urge to do something else, anything that wasn't work all morning and couldn't get much done as a result.

Some of the townspeople I met expressed concern about the dark circles under my eyes. I reassured them that I was just busy lately and that I'll make sure not to overwork myself, but some of the ladies weren't convinced by my words and passed me some of their wares. The eatery's madame let me have my clam chowder and lemonade for free, which I felt really bad for. I have to return the favour soon.

I also bumped into Rui on the way back to my room to put away the townspeople's gifts and since I had far too many trinkets to keep all for myself, I gave a few of them to Rui. He was reluctant to pick, but I insisted and handed the confectioneries and snowglobe to him. If he's not going to remember to go out and get something or make his own meals, then the least he should do is munch on some snacks.

There isn't much to report here for today. I'm just horribly tired from the lack of sleep as far as I can tell. I'm feeling much better after my break, though, so I should be able to stay conscious until work ends for the day. I'll pour myself a cup of lavender tea before I sleep and see if it works this time.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: palpitations, loss of words

The tea worked very well this time! I read a book to pass time and was getting drowsy by the time I finished my last sip, and slept soundly for the rest of the night.

Rui also came back to me with an answer today. He accepted my offer! He mentioned that dinner in March would be preferable so we set a date for the 4th.

I have to wonder, why not lunch? He's not about to skip lunch to work again, right?

There's a little under a week for me to look up slightly-Rui-friendly eateries, but that's more than enough time. I told him to let me know if he has any place in mind he'd prefer, otherwise I will just fall back on the list I have the day of.

We proceeded to sort out some of the finer details for the next expedition. When we wrapped up the discussion, I mentioned that I'd tried the lavender tea he gave me the other day and how much of a help it was for me last night. He offered to hand me a few more, but it felt like I was imposing on him so I asked if there was a store in town that he preferred. But he evaded the question and quickly added that he still had lots to spare since he doesn't really use them instead.

I wonder why he chose not to tell me. Maybe the merchant is a personal contact of his.

During all that, he was smiling awkwardly, as if he was trying his hardest to appear professional in front of me. Or maybe he felt pressured to put up a front? I told him that he didn't have to give up his personal stock if he didn't want to, but Rui seemed puzzled at my response and insisted that it was alright.

I brought up his awkward expression, and he straightened up in shock for a moment. Did he not realise all along?

Watching him sheepishly shrink a little as he shielded his mouth behind his hand left me stunned. It felt as if time had slowed to a standstill and all I could see was Rui struggling to come up with a response. I could hear my heart beat. My mouth slammed shut and refused to cooperate.

He finally excused himself while stammering and left in a hurry.

Seeing the blush spread across his cheeks aroused something in me.

Excitement?

Joy?

Elation?

Endear

I don't know.

My heartbeat wouldn't go back to normal.

I should arrange to see a physician before we meet next week...

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: feeling of dread, muscle tension

I met Nene and Emu today.

We sat together for some tea, and I gave them a few of the other trinkets that the townspeople handed to me the other day. Most of them were ornamental, like the ceramic salmon and the brooch. They took a liking to the items, so they agreed to take some and share with their tribe.

Emu mentioned that I smelled like lavenders. I didn't know why that simple observation (of a smell?) left me speechless. The people of the forest have excellent senses, I shouldn't be surprised by this.

I took that opportunity to mention my symptoms and how Rui's lavender tea was helping with the sleepless nights lately. I also brought up wanting to see one of their doctor for my symptoms. Although I have never seen any doctor apart from the local physicians in my hometown and here, I felt that with my symptoms, a diagnosis from their tribe's doctor might be more appropriate. Sometimes, symptoms as arbitrary as these might just confuse the physician into frustration instead. I know that much from accompanying Saki on her regular checkups as kids.

Since Nene didn't seem privy to the situation, I divulged whatever I could at this point. I mentioned that I have a month's worth of records that the doctor could reference and how these symptoms sometimes come and go with no rhyme or rhythm to their patterns. They said that they could bring me to him as soon as tonight if I wished to get this checked as soon as possible.

I was a little hesitant, but I accepted their offer. They'll head back, let the doctor know, and then pop in again for dinner (my treat, of course) before taking me to their doctor.

I think Emu's appetite is going to destroy my purse tonight.

Nonetheless, this is a small price to pay to find out for certain if I'm well.

Rui missed them by a hair, unfortunately. We haven't sat down together for a good cup of a tea in a long time, so it's a shame.

Maybe next time.

Chapter Text

I don't know what to do.

My mind is a jumbled mess.

Everything's whizzing past and leaving me winded.

What do I do now?

My hands won't stop trembling.

I can't write.

But I can't stop either.

My hand won't stop putting these words to paper.

I need to calm down.

I need to get my thoughts in order.

Chapter Text

Today (2/27/16XY)

Doctor visit:

• I met Nene and Emu again in the evening after work as agreed.
• I brought this diary with me to see their doctor.
• We sat in a circle with the doctor and I explained my concerns.
• I handed this diary to him with the hopes that it could elucidate some of the finer details of these symptoms.
• He flipped through the pages, furrowed his brows as he looked back at me and the diary multiple times.
• He eventually shut the book and told me that I was well.
• Confused, I asked him what the symptoms meant if I was physically okay.
• He sighed and told me that I was in love.
• My mind went blank. I echoed what he said, thinking I'd misheard.
• He repeated what he said with a hint of annoyance.

After the doctor kicked us out for wasting his time:

• Nene and Emu ask if I'm okay.
• I felt like a ghost. I couldn't process anything and barely responded. I don't even remember what I said.
• Most of what they said after that was lost on me.
• They eventually fell silent as we made our way back to the manor.
• We parted ways once I arrived at the entrance.
• They looked apologetic. They said to let them know anytime if I needed their help.
• I felt awful for making them worry. I hope I was able to smile properly when I responded.

After going back in:

• Memories of the past month suddenly flashed through my mind as I walked back to my room.
• I bumped into Rui in the corridor.
• I think he asked where I'd gone tonight. I'm not sure.
• When I looked up and saw his face, my whole body froze up.
• I ran straight to my room without saying a word.
• I feel awful. Very awful.

In my room:

• I collapsed to the floor as soon as I shut the door.
• I tried to cool down so that I could finally process everything that happened tonight, but couldn't.
• I stayed huddled on the floor for a while. It didn't help.
• I took out the diary and flipped to the last entry and read it again. It didn't help.
• I got on my feet and dragged myself to my desk and wrote into it in the hopes that I could finally calm down.
• It helped a little. I held my head in my hands for a while longer before I could write this entry.

Now what?

I still don't know what to do.

I can't sleep.

The lavender tea isn't working either.

I feel terrible.

Chapter Text

I don't know what time it is now. It's still dark out, but I can't sleep.

I thought long and hard about what I felt about Rui. Maybe putting these feelings to paper would help with internalising them.

I want him to be happy. I want to be there with him when he's happy. I want to make him happy.

But I don't want to impose these feelings on him if they can't make him happy.

He now tolerates me, at least. He doesn't avoid me like he used to shortly after he was released from prison.

But I still feel terrible. It's like a pit is opening up in my stomach and trying to swallow me whole. I don't want to have to take the day off tomorrow, but I don't think I'm going to be fit for duty even if I forced myself up in the morning.

Rui is supposed to hand me the framed camellias tomorrow, but the thought of seeing him in my state now...

I wish I could tell him that I was sorry.

I'm sorry I can't muster up the courage to see you tomorrow.

I'm sorry for being so indecisive about my feelings for you.

I'm sorry for being a disappointment again.

Chapter Text

I don't know how long I spent ruminating over what to do from here, but I think I managed to find an answer.

I think I'll continue to write in this diary.

I've already spent a little over a month taking notes on my reactions to seeing Rui, so I have developed a rather consistent routine when it comes to writing my feelings in here. The fact that this is a diary doesn't change even if the meat of my entries will change moving forward.

When I flipped through the older pages earlier, I couldn't help but laugh at how foolish I was before yesterday. Seeing the 'symptoms' from the correct lens also filled my heart with warmth in a way it didn't use to before. I'm happy that I got into this habit even if it started out as a means for me to figure out if something was wrong with me. Reminiscing about the little moments that I captured in these pages in an effort to not lose them to the abyss of time revitalised me in a way I didn't know was possible.

Is this how it feels to be in love?

I want to fill this diary with more fond memories of Rui so that even if we were to one day part ways, I could page through this diary and recall all the memories I treasured, and keep the memory of him alive.

I can hear the church bells ringing. It must be noon now. I think I'm ready to head out and finally get some fresh air.

Chapter Text

I bumped into Rui on my way down to the cafeteria.

I think he was shocked to see me casually leave my room in my nightclothes with no intention of getting ready for work. He asked angrily why I didn't tell him sooner that I was reporting sick today and I quite honestly didn't have any excuses up my sleeve. He was right. I should have let him know some way or another even if I wasn't expecting to see him today in the first place. I should've left a note at my desk, but it completely slipped my mind. He proceeded to ramble at length about all my shortcomings and how selfish I was to always expect him to clean up after my mess. At the end of his frustrated rant about all the trouble he went through keeping things in order in the morning with no notice from me, he shoved a bag of supplies at me and told me to take care.

I couldn't help but smile. Beneath the prickly front Rui puts up, he really does care about the people around him. I apologised to him and accepted the gift. I also explained that I'll be back at work tomorrow, so I asked him to help hold the fort down just for today. He turned away and sighed, complaining about my unreasonable demands. But I knew he'll still do a stellar job despite what he said, so I gave him my thanks and patted him on the shoulder.

While I was at it, I also apologised for last night when I bumped into him and ran off without a word. I omitted the details, of course, so he doesn't have to worry about my well-being anymore. It does seem like I was a little too late though, since he already got me this little bag of supplies.

We headed down to the cafeteria and had lunch together. Partly because I had a feeling he was going to skip lunch if I didn't ask.

Now that I'm conscious of these feelings for him, I felt like I was also more conscious of the little ways he behave and how my eyes seem to always follow his every move. I didn't notice before how thick and long his eyelashes are. The sight of him holding back his bangs so that he could direct the food on his plate to his mouth was strangely breathtaking.

I'm glad that I now know what this feeling meant. It's like I've finally opened my eyes to see the world for what it is. It felt like the day has become brighter, and my field of vision is now wider than before.

We mostly ate in silence as usual. Rui eats a little slower than I do, partly because he keeps picking the greens out of his plate. Eventually, he noticed that I was staring and told me to quit it. Then, he told me that the framed camellias are in my office and that I should check to see if it was up to my tastes when I head back tomorrow. I hope the smile I made upon hearing that wasn't too creepy for him.

I peeked into the bag I got from him when I returned to my room. There was a pouch of lavender tea sachets (10 of them!), cold medicine, a bag of assorted dried flower petals, and a few tins of canned sardines and meat. He also wrote a note explaining that the blend of petals should give off a soothing fragrance that should help me sleep in case I didn't have enough energy to make tea on my own.

It seems like he was heading to my room to hand these to me thinking that I was bedridden when we bumped into each other just now.

I really do owe him a lot for everything he's done.

Chapter Text

I came to my office earlier than usual to see the camellias.

As promised, the frame was on my desk, right in front of my seat. It's gorgeous.

The finished product was a lot larger than anticipated. I suppose it was natural considering how the flowers were each the size of my palms. The flowers looked as if they were blooming from the white backing, their vivid petals carefully arranged to showcase their individual beauty. I also appreciated the artistic touch Rui added to the composition. Some of the extra petals were pressed separately against the white space, with some overlapping each other. The leaves extended from beneath the flowers to give the picture a much needed contrast against the vibrant red and pink, and the stalks seemed to have been sliced into halves so that they could be used to create lines that extended from end to end. He even made sure that a select handful of the petals and leaves overlapped with the mat. The wonderful balance was pleasing to the eye so that the camellias could pop out even more. The frame was simple, wooden with a gold finish that complemented the flowers beautifully.

I could look at this all day and never tire of it. The idea that I might not like this is simply preposterous.

It was taking me everything I had to sit still for long enough to commit this to paper, and I don't think I can hold myself back anymore.

I have to find Rui.

I don't think I have ever been this excited.

I ran all the way to Rui's room and jumped into his arms.

He protested helplessly against my hold. It took me a while to cool down sufficiently to pull away, but the smile remained on my lips still. He probably connected the dots upon seeing my strange behaviour and asked if I'd seen the camellias. And all my praise for his handicraft came gushing out just like that.

When I finally lost steam and ran out of praise for him, I noticed that he hadn't said a word during all that. I looked at him, wondering if I'd overwhelmed him.

That's when I saw the most divine expression on his face.

His smile was gentle. It reminded me of the sun rays that filtered through the windows at twilight, illuminating all in its path with its tender warmth. His golden irises seemed to glow with glee. I was captivated by the sight, by how truly happy he looked in this moment.

I called his name, and it felt like a mistake. Rui blinked rapidly as he returned to reality and the beautiful smile fell in an instant. He cleared his throat before politely accepting the praise, reminding me to actually work today because of all the backlog I'd built up from yesterday. He brushed past me to go... Somewhere. He works in his room, so I don't know where he was heading to in such a hurry this early in the morning. I couldn't help but smile at his retreating back.

I'm still feeling energised from earlier even after coming back and penning these thoughts down. Today feels like it will be a good day.

Chapter Text

I was so preoccupied by the events of the past few days that I almost forgot about the dinner (a few splatters of ink follow) date with Rui on the 4th. We haven't actually decided on where to go, so I asked him again during lunch if there was anywhere he wanted to try. Thankfully, it seems like he actually gave this some thought and suggested a coffeehouse in the south that also offered a fine selection of books for customers to peruse. I didn't know that Rui enjoyed coffee. But it sounded like an interesting place, so I agreed.

I cannot deny that I already feel the butterflies in my stomach at the mere thought of dining together, just the two of us, in a casual setting.

I've been feeling a lot better after catching up on the lost sleep hours from a few days ago, but just to make sure, I'm going to pour myself some lavender tea every night before the 4th.

I'm torn between excitement and nervousness. I don't think I need to change out of my uniform before I meet him after work, but maybe I should?

I should give my wardrobe a quick once-over tomorrow just in case.

Chapter Text

Today is warmer than usual.

Maybe that's why Rui didn't sneeze a lot during lunch just now. He seems pretty self-conscious about it, though. He'd look away and meekly apologise if I stared, so I try not to. But I think his sneezes are cute. He hides his nose and mouth with both hands whenever he feels one coming and when it finally does, it's soft enough to be drowned out by the clamour of a place as crowded as the cafeteria. The only indication that he'd sneezed would be his shoulders: they jerk up a little before he relaxes and wipes his hands.

I might need to rein myself in with the staring.

Anyway, I think I managed to pick out a nice set of casualwear for tomorrow. A simple white blouse and brown pants should do, right? I could put on the belt and shoes Saki and mom sent me for my birthday last year. I rarely use these even though they are of such fine quality, it'd be a shame if they stayed in my wardrobe wasting away all the time.

It's only now that I came to realise how sparse my wardrobe is. Maybe I should get more clothes...

I can't wait for tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Today's the day.

I'd woken up far too early for my liking, but I couldn't go back to sleep. The more I tried not to think about later, the louder my heartbeat would get. My mind would drift to all sorts of inane thoughts.

What will Rui wear tonight?

Am I alone in feeling this nervous for a simple dinner (a smudged line of ink follows) date like this?

What if it rains and we get stranded?

What if Rui decides this was all a bad idea after all and cancels?

I should go for a run to clear my head.

I took a different path than usual since I only needed to distract myself from my spiralling thoughts with the change of scenery. It was meant to be a short run, but I ended up taking longer than expected to come back and wash up because I bumped into Rui on my route.

More precisely, he was crouching down to water some flowers in a small flowerbed near the forest. It made me curious and before I knew it, I called out to him. It spooked him quite a bit. That's a fair reaction, I suppose. I don't usually hang around the western part of town since the estate was in the opposite direction.

The first thing I noticed was Rui's attire. He was in a thick coat and he had a long woollen scarf wrapped around his neck. His glowing red nose poked past the top of his scarf, and he was still using the gloves I'd gotten him. It's clear that he didn't like being out. It'll take a while before the temperature's warm enough for him to peel off the layers. He looked quite adorable bundled up in such thick clothing. It warmed my heart, but I didn't comment on it.

I always took Rui to be a night owl who had trouble waking up in the morning, but it seems like I was wrong. He said that he goes on walks and takes care of the flowers growing in and around town from time to time. I could tell it was true. The yellow and red tulip buds he was watering were large and vibrant. I asked if he could let me know when they bloom so that I could have a look at them at their most beautiful and all he said was he'd consider it.

That sounded like a yes to me. I just chuckled a little and continued watching the flowers with him in silence.

After a while, he said that he'll stop by my room so that we could go to the coffeehouse together. There was no point in going separately if we are going to leave from the same place and go to the same destination, he said. It made sense, but it also resurrected the nerves I'd been trying to calm. I agreed and parted ways with him right after, saying that I needed to shower and get ready for work later. It was true, but I also wanted to rid myself of these wayward thoughts rushing through my mind.

All this from the mere thought of spending more time with Rui outside of work. I need to be careful lest it manifests as a creepy smile on my face.

This entry is getting rather lengthy. I'll save the evening for the next.

Chapter Text

I returned half an hour ago and was only able to pick up my quill to write just now.

It all felt like a dream. I hope my memory serves me well enough to commit all of this evening's events to paper at the very least. I have no idea how many pages this will take, but I will record everything I possibly could.

Rui knocked on my door right around sunset. I'd already changed out of my uniform and was brushing my hair with my fingers in the mirror perhaps far too many times. I couldn't stop adjusting my clothes. With every move I made, I'd notice a fold in my hem that needed to be smoothed out, and with each twist, I'd find dissatisfaction with the way my belt looked on me, or think of a more desirable look to my outfit. Thinking back, I probably wouldn't be satisfied even if I had all night to sort out my appearance anyway.

I don't know why I let Rui in even though we were going out right away. I think it was a force of habit. He took a step in and paused, waiting for my signal to leave. He'd thrown on the coat and scarf he was wearing this morning over his usual work attire and kept a small messenger bag by his hip. I couldn't help but laugh when I looked at his disgruntled blushing face. He really didn't like the cold and we hadn't even left yet. The night was going to be chilly, so having his scarf loosely hanging over his shoulders wasn't going to help him in any way. I took a step his way and reached up to adjust his scarf so that it fit snugly just under his jaw. I also tried to tuck the longer strands of his hair under his scarf so that it could keep his ears warm at the same time. He looked a little uncomfortable at having my knuckles brush his skin while setting his scarf, so I tried to finish it up as quickly as I could and explained that it'd be warmer if he wore it properly.

This reminds me I should probably get him a pair of earmuffs next time.

He put on his gloves just before we left. After we set off, we mostly walked in silence. Neither of us were the chatty type even outside of official capacity. We rarely meet outside of work like this, if ever. It wasn't as if we were talking to each other for the first time, but I felt that my attempt to make small talk here helped ease us into a light conversation. I started off by asking him a few questions:

• What do you do after work? ← He normally continues working until it becomes too dark. I voiced my disapproval, and he said it was none of my business what he did past work hours. Not a good start.
• (Since he suggested the coffeehouse for tonight) Do you like coffee? ← He doesn't drink it often and prefers it with milk and some sugar. He likes tea better (which explains the aroma that lingers around him.)
• What kind of flowers do you raise? ← Depends on the season. Currently, tulips and crocuses (I wonder where?) He was more talkative after this and we continued chatting until we arrived.

The coffeehouse was a homely little shop consisting of two floors a short distance away from most of the other houses and stores that were scattered along the way there. It wasn't very large, but it clearly served its patrons well - most of the customers tonight lived in the area. There weren't many tables open, so we occupied one on the second floor which overlooked the first floor and was tucked in the corner by the rails and a bookshelf.

We took a moment to check the menu and decide what to eat. At a glance, most of the food items were accompanied by some form of vegetable. In fact, it seems like the store prided itself in its fresh produce. It was a struggle, but I managed to resist the urge to laugh by biting the insides of my mouth. I peeked at Rui to see if he'd realised, and sure enough, he was glaring at the sheets before him like it'd personally offended him. Thankfully, the loud chatter around us was enough drown out my muted laughter from him while I shielded myself behind the menu in my hands.

I'd decided to try the shop's lamb pie and onion soup for dinner and get a small cup of black coffee. Rui was still contemplating, but he was taking a while, so I asked if he needed help choosing what to eat. I think it was obvious to the both of us that he just didn't know what to pick because nothing on the menu seemed to be vegetable-free. Even the lamb pie had some spinach and herbs mixed in with the minced meat. Watching his face morph into various degrees of disgust and disappointment as he skimmed through the menu again was entertaining, but I was feeling peckish and didn't want us to be stuck with no food for too long. I volunteered to eat some of the vegetables in his food just to keep the night going, but I didn't think that his gloom would clear up so quickly from that. It was adorable, but I wish it wasn't because he was overjoyed I offered to eat his veggies.

With that out of the way, we wandered around the store to check out the shop's book collection. I'm not too familiar with the scientific tomes that Rui flipped through, but the shop had a very extensive collection books that catered to all sorts of tastes. Off my head, there were storybooks, epics, newspapers, and several bound journals. I tried taking a peek at one of the books Rui flipped through and didn't understand a word on those pages. Even when I asked what it was about, I couldn't get his explanation at all. The breadth of his knowledge seemed endless, and all I could do was nod and say 'uh huh' while he rambled on and on. He sighed when he noticed I wasn't paying attention and said that I didn't need to patronise him by pretending I was interested in the stuff he liked. He shut the book with one hand and headed back to our table, while I followed behind.

I didn't know what to say as an apology. All the words I needed in that moment abandoned me.

I couldn't tell him that I liked seeing the way his eyes light up when he talks about something he liked.

I couldn't tell him that I liked listening to his voice.

All I could do was return to my seat silently. I sneaked a glance at him, but he was totally engrossed in the book. Our drinks were already set on our table before we returned, so I whiled my time away by sipping the coffee (which was good) and stirring it occasionally with the stirrer.

I don't know how long I spent daydreaming before I heard him call out to me and tug at my sleeve. I was startled, partly because I didn't expect him to call my name, but also because he'd put the book aside and had his eyes trained on me. I asked if there was anything wrong, if he needed another book to read while we waited for our food. Rui withdrew his hand (which was when I finally realised that he was tugging at my sleeve) and had his chin propped up on his other hand with a pout, but all he did was purse his lip and look away. It was confusing, but I waited for him to speak up and in the softest of voices, he apologised for snapping at me earlier.

Frankly, it caught me by surprise. I thought that he wanted some space to enjoy some light reading, but he continued, saying that he thought I was just feigning interest so that I could get the conversation done and over with. It made me wonder if this was a recurring pattern he'd noticed with other people he spent time with before. The remorse on his face was subtle, but it was more than enough for me to accept the apology. I didn't even think that it needed apologising for anyway. Right after I pat him on the shoulder and told him it was alright, our food arrived.

We dug into our food immediately. Or rather, I did. Rui spent some time picking the carrots and onions out of the stew he'd gotten, tossing the occasional carrot chunk into my soup bowl shamelessly from time to time.

He started smirking while quipping in a sing-song voice that I'd promised to eat his greens while dropping them onto my half-eaten pie, and at that point...

I don't know what possessed me in that moment. Perhaps I was still miffed that he'd snapped at me earlier and wasn't conscious of it, or maybe it was because I was just hungry. The next time he hovered his spoon with carrot and onion pieces over my pie, I swooped down on it all while maintaining eye contact with him. It was only when I pulled back, chewing as I brought my knife to the pie, that the thought of asking if he was even okay with me eating directly from his spoon like that dawned upon me. It definitely shut him up, that's for certain. I was consumed by a tremendous wave of guilt. I thought I'd ruined the night with my impulsive act. I was about to apologise (and maybe get on my knees to grovel for forgiveness) when I saw his spoon slide into my line of sight.

For a moment, I was actually dumbfounded. I finally mustered the courage to tilt my head up and saw Rui with a... strangely calm expression. I couldn't read it. He gestured with the spoon to hurry and take a bite, but his face seemed almost... expectant? Demanding? He was okay with shoveling food from his plate for me to eat? From the spoon he was going to use?

I remember that it took him thrusting the spoon closer while urging me to hurry up before I finally registered that I was alive in that moment and not in a dream. When I lapped up the vegetables this time, he tilted the spoon gently before tugging it out of my lips as I withdrew, and returned to gathering more carrot and onion with it. He made sure to get some stew and meat this time, and repeated the motion from before, while I responded in kind. The stew was delicious. Like the onion, the meat was so tender it practically melted in my mouth, blending in with the rich stew that it was soaked in. Rui was already scooping up some stew for himself with indifference as he asked me how it tasted.

I offered to let him try some of the lamb pie (after picking out some of the herbs) and after eyeing my fork suspiciously, he swiped the piece off my fork and returned to his food.

I wish I could freeze time right there and then, but happiness only lasts so long. I still mourn the fact that Rui may never again feed me like that.

We had a short chat with the owner of the shop while I paid for our food. He said that he wants to change up the menu every once in a while to experiment with his cooking, and urged us to come back again next time. I would love to, honestly. The walk to and fro isn't too long, and the shop had a cozy ambience to it. If Rui is willing to get over his prejudice against vegetables...or feed them to me

We returned to our seats to pick up our belongings and return to the manor, but Rui stopped moving after he picked up his scarf. He kept his gaze on it until I walked over to ask if something's wrong. His eyes darted about restlessly and he mumbled something I couldn't pick up amidst the noise. He finally swung around to face me when I asked him to repeat himself, and he whispered just loud enough to ask that I tie his scarf for him.

My shock might have been showing on my face. No, it definitely did. My jaw went slack, and he stammered about how the way I tied his scarf was warmer than the way he did it as soon as he saw my reaction. Something warm spread across my heart upon hearing those words. It also tugged the corners of my lips upward. I let out a chuckle and took the scarf in my left hand and smoothed down his hair with my right before looping the cloth around his neck just like I did earlier.

I could feel his gaze on me as I adjusted the ends between us. Once I was done, I stroked his head and said it was time to go. Nothing good ever happens when it's late at night, after all.

The breeze made the night even colder than when we first arrived at the shop. I was starting to regret not bringing my thin coat out when Rui stopped to ask if we could hold hands. I couldn't see the expression on his face clearly because it was so dark. Were the gloves not warm enough for him? Before I could respond, he closed the distance between us, peeled his left glove off, tucked it into his pocket, and took my right hand. While I was processing how cold his hand was, he grumbled about how ridiculous it was that I was dressed for summer in this chilly weather.

I don't even remember what I said after that. Rui took the lead and walked ahead of me, practically pulling me in tow. My legs walked because it was their job. Even after staring at his hair swaying with the wind, I still didn't know what had happened. Rui never turned back, and we didn't speak until the warm lights leading to the estate's entrance entered our field of vision. It was only when he let go, when my hand fell limply back to my side that I finally realised what we'd done.

We held hands.

Rui held my hand.

Then, he turned back and brought his gloved hand up to his scarf. The sight of him looking at me as the wind playfully tousled his hair, against the lights behind him was breathtaking. But I couldn't make out his expression. That was the one shame.

All he said was 'see you tomorrow' before he turned and briskly walked in to seek shelter. I slowly blinked a few times before I headed in too. By the time I got in, he was already nowhere to be found.

I haven't even showered yet. I must be filthy after spending all this time writing instead of getting cleaned up. But the more I recalled this evening, the heavier my body felt. All I want is to indulge in these memories against all rational thought.

I think Rui enjoyed today too, all things considered. I should ask him... tomorrow to be sure. I don't know if I could look him in the eye again if I saw him later in the night. It may be for the best. The smile hasn't left my face, and I don't think I can put up a straight face for the rest of the night.

Ah, there are so many things I wish I did differently tonight. But if doing so meant that I had to give up these beautiful memories of Rui, then I'd relinquish those chances in a heartbeat.

Chapter Text

Rui came to my office later than usual to submit reports and had terrible dark circles under his eyes. He looked fine when we parted ways last night, so I expressed my concern thinking that last night's outing kept him up too late. He insisted that he was fine, but with the way he was avoiding eye contact, it felt like there was something else he wasn't telling me. I told him he could approach me anytime if there was anything bothering him and let him take his leave, but it gnawed at my mind still.

When we next saw each other along the hallway, I asked if he had fun last night. It would be meaningless if I was the only one who enjoyed the outing, after all. He seemed taken aback by the question, but the corners of his lips perked up a little when he said he did ('of course I did', to be exact). I couldn't help but smile back.

I wonder what I would've done if he'd said no.

Chapter Text

I overheard some soldiers talking about Rui today.

I was curious since not everyone has warmed up to him after that incident a few years ago, but thankfully they weren't badmouthing him. They were just talking about how they'd seen him heading out from time to time and got rather... enthusiastic about the fact that he looked cute in his jacket and scarf.

I feel conflicted. They are entitled to their own opinion, and it is indeed correct that he looks adorable like that, but it felt as if (several splatters of ink follow)

a closely-guarded secret had been exposed?

But it still feels wrong for me to feel that way. It's not exactly a secret, neither is this information exclusively mine. I'm usually on the lookout for rumours surrounding Rui since there was a lot of... mixed sentiment surrounding his reinstatement as my advisor initially and it sometimes escalated into petty arguments or scuffles back then. Most of it has died down by now since he has proven himself with his work, and I'm definitely glad that people are not seeing him merely as the villain he used to be, but I don't know about this...

This feels unbecoming of me.

Chapter Text

Rui was sneezing and shivering this morning. He didn't talk about it, but I suspect it might be because he was tending to his flowers this morning before coming back to the manor to work. His hair was still wet when he dropped by too.

Hopefully it doesn't worsen.

It did get worse and he now has a fever too. I made some soup and got a few pieces of bread from the cafeteria for him. He kept moaning and groaning about the herbs I'd added to the soup, which I ignored. I fired back by saying that he can berate me all he wants when he gets better, and that he could get better quicker if he'd just eat the vegetables in the soup at least. He fell silent after that, but he continued glaring at the tray on his lap with a tiny pout while I kept myself occupied by picking up and sorting out the stray research notes scattered all over his room.

I had my hand on the door knob when he suddenly asked in a soft voice for me to wait. He still hadn't touched his food, so I pulled back and asked if something was wrong, to which he said that his hands were too cold to grab anything. His hands held the blanket over his shoulder in vice grip so it was a bit difficult to see behind the fabric, but I could make out the tremors in his fingers from where I stood.

It goes without saying that I stayed behind to feed him his soup. He wasn't happy about the arrangement since I made sure he left no ingredient behind, but this works for me since it meant I could make sure with my own two eyes that he ate properly.

His lips were burning hot, but soft like jelly. It felt like they could melt away any second whenever my fingers brushed against them when I was feeding him the bread.

It wasn't an unpleasant sensation.

I'll get him something from the cafeteria again later, the last time. I hope he gets better soon. I might fall ill myself from dealing with the drastic temperature difference between his sauna of a room and, well, everywhere else.

Chapter Text

Rui seems to be getting better. Somewhat. I'm still feeding him his meals, but an idea struck me while I was delivering spoonfuls of gruel to his mouth.

Does Rui know what vegetables taste like?

With the way he adamantly avoids them at all costs, it makes sense to me that he hasn't tasted many vegetables in his life. Maybe common ones like potatoes, onions, and celery. But what if I boiled a lot of vegetables to make a bowl of vegetable broth and brought it to him without the vegetables?

I'll give this a try later.

Rui spat the soup out in my face and refused to have any more soup from me. He proceeded to huddle up in the blankets and roll over to face the wall and ignored me for the rest of the time I spent in his room. No matter how many times I called out to him, he wouldn't respond. I tried to pry him out of his bundle but he wouldn't budge either.

I resigned myself to this defeat and left behind the rose water and bread I'd prepared in case he wouldn't drink the soup before returning to my room. It's a shame. I even made sure to add more seasoning than usual to make the soup taste better, but it seems like it was a lost cause. I'll drink it later and prepare some chicken to go with it.

Chapter Text

It's right around 10 at night and I can't sleep.

My conduct earlier was nothing but inappropriate. I shouldn't have treated Rui like he was a test subject to satiate my own curiosity. On top of that, I'd left him alone when he's at his most vulnerable. I don't even know if he's had dinner. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't appreciate being treated the way I treated him.

I don't know if he'll still be awake, but I should at least try to apologise and check in on him.

I knocked on his door and announced my presence, but there was no response. I decided to go in regardless and just check if he'd eaten the bread I left earlier. Rui uses a lot of candles and lamps in his room so that he can work till the wee hours of the morning from time to time, so I wouldn't be surprised if he had a lamp or two lit for reading at this hour.

As it turns out, there was one oil lamp lit - at his bedside drawer. I could see the saucer and bowl for his food stacked neatly on it, too. Thank goodness he ate.

Apparently he fell asleep in the middle of reading. His book was just by his head, resting between him and the light on the bed. I'm glad that I cleaned up the papers on his floor earlier. I was able to make a beeline for him without making too much noise, or worse, slipping on something and creating a disaster.

Before I picked up the empty crockery, I got on my knees and observed his face. He didn't show any signs of discomfort, so I hope this means he's recovering soon. I also shifted his bangs so that I could check his temperature by placing the back of my hand against his forehead. It was still hot, and there was a bit of sweat building up on his skin. The damp cloth for his forehead was unceremoniously put away on the drawer too, but it wouldn't help much since he was lying on his side now, so I just wiped the sweat away as gently as I could.

I wish I could sleep as peacefully as him. I readjusted blanket so that it covered him from neck down and he didn't even so much as stir. Looking him up close made me realise that his eyelashes were a lot longer than I thought. His relaxed expression was mesmerising too. I had to resist the urge to reach out and stroke his face. He looks a lot younger when he's not perpetually frowning like how he does whenever he spoke to pretty much anyone. We've come a long way from the immediate aftermath of that incident, but seeing that made me wish he smiled more like he did before he was caught.

But now that I think about it, I don't want him to cover up his true feelings either. Maybe the current state of things is better after all. It's a pity, but it is what it is.

Since I couldn't apologise for my misconduct tonight, I just said good night to him and put out the lamp. l took the empty crockery away and washed them before returning to my room.

I'll get something good for him for breakfast tomorrow.

Chapter Text

There was a fine herring for sale at the market today which I readily purchased. I made several servings of gruel with it and made sure to scoop out more slices of fish for Rui.

Surprisingly, he was already awake when I went in. I usually forgo the knocking when I need to drop by in the morning since he's never awake until noon when he's ill. I handed him the tray with his gruel and apologised for yesterday. He looked confused until I explained, and then silently set his spoon aside.

I didn't know what to make of that reaction. Whenever he quietly abandons whatever he's doing like that, it meant that he was deep in thought. All I could do was observe him. His hands weren't trembling today and there wasn't much perspiration on his skin either. His fingers were more slender than mine. After having held his hand the other day, it made me wonder what it'd be like to be able to hold his bare, ungloved hands in mine.

I sat up when he turned to look at me. He stared at me silently for a moment longer before sighing and picking up the spoon again.

He said between mouthfuls of gruel that I now owed him one and it was only when I heard the clink of the spoon against the tray that I realised he was already done eating. He silently handed me the tray and laid back down and closed his eyes.

Anything's better than the shame I felt yesterday, but this feels... odd. I might need to sleep with one eye open tonight.

Chapter Text

All of the cafeteria food had bell peppers in them today.

I have no proof that this was all Rui's doing, but nothing could convince me otherwise based on the events of the past few days.

He reported for work today looking refreshed so I assumed it was because he'd finally made a full recovery. Nothing seemed off with him all day.

I guess the only unusual thing that happened was that he asked to eat lunch with me today, instead of me asking him. I should've known, but how could I?

I fear he might have worse in store for me when he cashes in that favour.

I can still taste the bell peppers.

Chapter Text

I'm afraid I might have angered Rui more than I anticipated.

Somehow, the entire cafeteria now smells like cooked bell peppers. I could feel my flight or fight instinct kicking in, but Rui caught me there and then and requested that I sit down for lunch with him because he had to iron out some details urgently for the next meeting. I couldn't say no, but I wish I did.

Rui was perfectly fine with picking out the vegetables out of his food, but I could never do that even if it's a detested bell pepper on my plate. The worst part about this ordeal is that Rui was awfully chatty today, asking why I was eating slower than usual, why I was making a face while eating, talking about our food with far too much interest for someone who adamantly detests anything green in his food... I almost cried when he began shovelling his bell peppers onto my plate.

I am not ready for tomorrow.

Chapter Text

After brushing my teeth, I dropped by the kitchen to check what ingredients were stocked up for today's meals. Quite frankly, I debated throwing myself out the window if Rui were to drag me to the cafeteria and indirectly force me to eat bell peppers one more time. I was relieved to see every possible ingredient except those, and turned to return to my room to change into my uniform.

Then, I bumped into Rui who was carrying a bulky sack in his hands on his way in. He jumped and looked the other way while his hands scurried to conceal the bag's mouth immediately. He tried to inch away from me slowly while I was asking why he was up so early, but his odd behaviour only made himself look all the more suspicious. My curiosity got the better of me and I cornered him against the wall and opened up the sack in his arms against his protests.

Bell peppers, bell peppers, bell peppers.

Before I could interrogate him, he slipped past me and made a run for it while still holding onto the sack. I gave chase, fueled by the incredulity coursing through my veins. I was doomed to a fate worse than death if I didn't catch him and put a stop to this nonsense.

Yes, nonsense. What other word could I choose to describe this situation? Only a child would choose to retaliate in such a ridiculous manner after being tricked into drinking vegetable water. But the unfortunate truth is that this was no child, but the very brains of our corp, my trusted advisor and the object of my affections.

I was yelling after Rui as we zipped down the hallways, past the estate staff and soldiers, and up and down the stairs. At one point, he reached into the sack and flung a few bell peppers at me in an effort to throw me off.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he genuinely believed that the bell peppers could be used exorcise me like a demon upon contact.

I lunged at him when he started to slow from the building fatigue and sent both of us crashing to the floor. Rui wasted no time struggling against my hold and pelting me with his fists. He demanded that I let him go, but I just wasn't having any of his attitude. I secured my grip in my left hand and used my right to grab and pin his wrist to the wall. I watched as his eyes widened upon finally realising the futility of his struggle. I could feel the tension in his arm and waist leave melt away too.

I think the adrenaline really got to me. We were both panting by that point and all I wanted were answers. Why was he doing this? If he was so displeased, why take it out on me like this instead of telling me? He lowered his head and only spoke up after his breathing evened out.

He said that he only did it as payback the first time, but found my reaction so entertaining that he ended up overdoing it.

That answer felt like a much-needed douse of ice-cold water to put out the fire raging inside of me. After running his response through my head several times, I couldn't help but pull away and laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I could never stay mad at him for long.

Rui muttered his apology softly while we picked up the bell peppers that had spilled out of the sack when he fell. I accepted it, but also ordered him to get rid of the bell peppers somehow. Not that I cared where they went, he could give them away to the nearby eateries if he so pleased. He wasn't happy about his plan falling apart, but I'm happy we could finally put this behind us.

What an eventful morning. The one thing I gained from this silly ordeal is that Rui still asked if he could sit with me at lunch today.

Chapter Text

Spring is soon approaching, and the weather has been getting warmer gradually.

I overheard some soldiers at lunch discussing gifts for their partners. It's a recent trend, as far as I know. Some men prepare presents for their partners one month after Valentine's.

I asked Rui if he was going to prepare anything for anyone, and he said no. A small inkling of relief blossomed in my heart upon hearing that. He asked me the same, and it reminded me of the camellia giver.

I have no partner, and I don't think my affection for Rui will fade, but it only felt right that I got something for them in return. The only problem is: how? I have nary a hint or an idea as to who it could be. The door to my office is never locked, so it could be anyone. Rui listened intently as I aired my concerns. He said that if I really wanted to express my thanks, then I could just leave something at my desk since they knew where I worked in order to deliver their gift. If they sought one, then they'd probably look for it there.

That's when an idea struck me.

Saki sent me a package containing parchment and other supplies from home some time ago. I still have a few sheets remaining, so I went to my room to grab one, folded it into a simple star, and then painted it yellow. A meagre gift that pales in comparison to the blossoms I was blessed with, but at least it wouldn't perish if it wasn't picked up.

I left the star alongside a short thank-you note on my desk for the rest of the day. I don't know if the camellia giver expects a gift in return, but I can put it away easily if it remains on my desk tomorrow when I start work.

Chapter Text

Today was rather uneventful, save for two things.

Rui dropped by in the afternoon with a fresh pot of tea. He made it using a blend of wildflowers he'd gotten from Emu and accidentally added too many flowers to the pot when brewing the tea, so he needed help draining the pot before the tea went to waste. It was just about time for me to take a break too, so we sat down and enjoyed the tea as we chatted.

The floral tea had a refreshing flavour to it. It kept me wanting more, but not in the same way coffee does. It was simply calming and delectable unlike the lavender tea's soothing effects. It was evident that the blend was chosen with painstaking consideration.

We discussed about work, of course, but also talked about other mundane topics like the upcoming spring festival and the flowers he was raising. He mentioned that the tulips might bloom in a few weeks. I asked if he could let me know when they start to bloom so that I could stop by to look at them and he squinted for a moment, eyeing me with suspicion before curtly saying that he'll only do it if he doesn't forget.

Time always seems to pass faster when I'm with Rui. I guess that's just a testament to how much I enjoy spending time with him. If only he'd made more tea, then I could spend more time observing how his expressions change over the course of the conversation.

Ah, the other thing.

The star and note were gone when I came to my office this morning. I'm glad that the camellia giver accepted my gift.

Chapter Text

After Rui finished up his daily morning report, he brought up the favour I'd owed him.

It caught me off guard. I was beginning to think that the favour actually referred to all the bell peppers he made me eat as revenge. He told me to block off the 21st of this month for shopping.

Isn't that the spring festival day? What is he buying that he needed my help to carry his purchases?

Regardless, I couldn't say no. He'll let me know closer to the date about the details.

I was already planning to check out the spring festival on my own, so this wasn't too drastic a change. The only difference is that I'll probably be checking out the stalls and exhibits with Rui all day.

...On second thought, this change of plans works very well for me.

Chapter Text

With flowers come bees and butterflies. Such is the unfortunate reality we live in.

As much as I appreciate the beautiful blooming wildflowers along paths in town, I'm equally apprehensive of the insects that flit around them. Although I try my best not to jump at the sight of the critters, my heart can only take so much before my knees buckle from fear.

Rui may not say it outright, but he has been in high spirits lately. There's a miniscule skip to his step, he's starting to hum while walking down the hallway, and the floral scent that accompanies him is stronger than before. He's clearly overjoyed about the arrival of spring.

Watching him fills my heart with joy.

But it's not enough to dislodge the terror that threatens to overtake me.

Chapter Text

I don't think Rui knows this, but his hands have an earthy and floral scent to them, possibly because he was tending to his flowers earlier in the day.

I might have spaced out because of this discovery when he was gesturing at his formation proposal by my side just now. His nails are also trimmed neatly with a smooth curve to the edges.

Suppressing the urge to touch his hands was difficult.

Chapter Text

The spring gales are starting to blow already.

I like the winds in spring. They are cold, but at just the right temperature to be cooling to the skin. In summer, it's swelteringly warm, and in winter, it's frigidly cold.

During training, a strong gust of wind blew for a while. I paused the session until the wind stopped since the tree branches were bending to the will of the wind and some of the loose pieces of clothing on our persons were at risk of getting blown away. Our hair was also getting into our eyes, which wasn't ideal since it only distracted everyone.

While waiting, I looked around to make sure that everyone was alright. Rui was observing today and he had his hands cupped over his ears with a scowl on his face. His hair was getting tousled by the wind into a mess like the rest of us. He was mumbling something under his breath, but I couldn't make out what he was saying since we were quite far apart this time.

He looked smaller than usual like that, hunched over in an effort to protect what he could of himself from the wind. It was an adorable sight.

Chapter Text

The spring festival looks like it's coming together rather well.

The stalls have been marked, and all that's left is for the townspeople to set up their respective lots. I heard that some of the forestfolk will be showing up too. Maybe we'll get to see Emu and Nene tomorrow.

Rui gave me an update on his plans for tomorrow as well. He'll pop over in the morning and we'll head over to check out the spring festival right away. Apparently there were a number of stalls that sell carved figures and other trinkets that he wants to look at.

That's about all that's set in stone.

I'll probably pack an extra foldable bag just in case he really needs to get something heavy or bulky. But apart from that, I have to say I am excited.

I can't wait for tomorrow and it's only noon.

Chapter Text

I feel terrible both mentally and physically.

I should've known that I was due to fall ill from the recent turbulent changes in weather as spring approached. I woke up before dawn feeling like my body was on fire. I tried to sleep it off by forgoing my blanket, but woke up a few hours after drenched in sweat with a sore throat and a runny nose.

How can I face Rui later? All I can do is wait for the inevitable.

I dragged myself to the door to answer it when Rui arrived and I must have looked haggard, because he winced upon the sight of me. I couldn't even attempt to pretend I was okay. He pushed me back to bed and asked me where I kept my medical supplies, what I last ate, if I'd been unwell the night before. I explained as much as I could between coughs. After getting the answers he needed, Rui left to grab some water and medical supplies.

Crawling out of bed to

Rui returned and yelled at me first thing to get back to bed before I aggravated my symptoms. He is now preparing dinner, so I have to make this quick.

Today feels like a reversal of our roles from 2 weeks ago. But my mind was preoccupied with the disappointment and frustration I felt towards myself for ruining today's plans.

Rui spent the rest of the morning preparing the tub of cold water for my wet towel, making sure that I got the correct medicine I needed, and preparing lunch for me. Instead of going out to enjoy what the spring festival has to offer, he was here eating the same bland gruel as I did. I don't know why he chose to stay when he could have easily left after bringing the tub and medicine over. He didn't lament or scold me. He was silent for the most part, only speaking to ask if I was comfortable or to ask questions that were necessary.

I thanked him for his time and told him that he could leave and check out the spring festival. I said that my condition was manageable with some rest. It's the usual symptoms I had whenever the seasons change, so there was no need for him to remain here if I was going to sleep the rest of the day away anyway. There was still time for Rui to get what he needed before the festival ends tonight.

I didn't know what to make of Rui's expression when he stared at me. He was thinking, but of what? It felt like his sharp gaze could see right into my soul. After what felt like an eternity, he sighed. He said that it was meaningless if he couldn't make use of me like planned. The spring festival happens every year and he could always go for next year's, so he'd rather collect more favours from me whenever he gets the chance.

It wasn't an answer I was expecting, but it dispersed some of the clouds hanging over my heart. Sleep came to me surprisingly easily after that.

The sun was beginning to set when I woke up. Rui was seated by my bedside with his nose deep in a book. He hadn't noticed that I was awake, so I took the opportunity to examine his features up close. His golden eyes were focused on the pages before them. Whenever his hair obstructed too much of the words he was reading, he would raise his left hand to tuck it behind his ear. But after a while, the strands of hair would break free of their temporary binding and fall back in place, until he purses his lip and repeats the same motion with increasing annoyance.

His slender fingers on the book were close enough for me to reach out and touch them. And that's what I did.

He jumped at the sudden contact and nearly dropped the book. I lowered my arm and apologised for startling him. Rui eyed me suspiciously before picking up the book and setting it aside so that he could prepare dinner for me. Us?

Us.

Rui left for the night.

We shared another meager meal together: plain bread and soup this time. Even though we didn't exchange many words today, his company was more than enough to keep my heart full. His presence pulled me out of the swamp of self-loathing I was sinking into earlier in the day. In bed, all I could think of whenever he entered my sight was just how grateful I was to be here with him, being able to spend time with him even though we ended up not going to today's festival.

Before Rui returned to his room for the night, he paused at the door with his hand perched on the handle and said good night to me. There might have been a light crease between his brows, but I couldn't see very well in the dark. He left before I could open my mouth and respond, but his voice continued ringing in my ears, long after he was gone.

I feel like my illness is taking a toll on my sanity.

I can tell that Rui is aware that I have been sneaking away from bed to fill these pages whenever he was out. Every time he returned, he would narrow his eyes at me and shoot a brief glance at my desk - at this diary.

I trust that he wouldn't open it up. I'm not sure how I would face him if he ever found out what's written in these pages.

Chapter Text

Rui came back this morning with a few stalks of daffodils. He helped himself to the empty vase that was sitting on my shelf and filled it with water for the flowers. It was the vase that used to house the camellias. The middles of the daffodils looked like miniature setting suns, while their petals were a pale yellow.

I like them.

My cough and runny nose are getting better, but my temperature is still high today. I thanked Rui for the flowers and asked what's for breakfast, to which he joked that bell peppers were cheap at the market today. I didn't think that my disgust showed so apparently on my face, but it did. Rui burst out laughing at my response before saying that he was just going to make some simple gruel for the rest of the day. He doesn't know how to make fancier meals, he said.

It doesn't really matter to me. I'm happy enough to know that he was going to be here for the rest of the day like yesterday.

I still feel awful physically, but I was in a markedly better mood than any patient should.

I'll end this entry here, not because there was nothing left for me to record, but because Rui looked like he was on the verge of warning me against leaving my bed to write instead of rest.

Chapter Text

I know you're going to try to open this up to write again.

Don't.

Go back to bed and actually rest.

I'll be back tomorrow morning.

Chapter Text

In case you're wondering, no I didn't read any of the pages.

Chapter Text

I wasn't expecting Rui to slip notes into this book while I was asleep, but when? Did he do it while I was napping in the afternoon yesterday?

I can't deny that I was spooked for a moment when I flipped them over to see his handwriting. I did a cursory survey of my surroundings just to make sure that he wasn't hiding somewhere, watching me like a hawk. It's a silly thing to do when I know very well that Rui's not the sort of person to pry like that, but it was admittedly hard to think straight with all the adrenaline keeping me on edge. The notes were slipped between the pages loosely near the edges, so I feel that I can trust his word when he says he hasn't read anything in here. 

Anyway, I've fully recovered today and can write as much as I want now. Rui can't tell me what to do anymore!

March 23

My temperature was going down and I was already raring to return to work when I woke up, but Rui insisted that I only do so after I made a full recovery to minimise any potential spread of sickness. I obliged. I told Rui that I could handle some of the paperwork at least if he brought them to my room. He didn't seem willing at first, but he relented when I promised not to strain myself for the rest of the day under his watch.

I guess that wasn't enough to reassure him that I wouldn't sneak some words into these pages while he was away. But in my defense, writing hardly constitutes strenuous activity no matter what.

Rui brought food from the cafeteria for the both of us to share for lunch. It was a welcome change from the bland meals I've had for the past few days, no offense to his cooking of course. So welcome in fact that I scarfed my portions down in minutes.

The bags under his eyes were more pronounced than usual and seeing them made me wish I hadn't caused all this trouble in the first place. When he finished eating, I reached out to ruffle his hair and thank him for caring for me while I was ill. His eyes widened a little before he batted my arm away and told me not to treat him like a child.

I now owe him two favours. A small price to pay if it kept him happy, in my opinion. It was just a shame that he was facing the other way when he made that proclamation.

Rui left with the tray to clean up and went back to work for most of the afternoon. He only returned in the evening, with a stew made using boar meat that Nene and Emu had handed to him earlier as a get well soon gift for me.

The meat was certainly as delectable as it was fresh. It was probably why the raw, pungent stench of flesh masked the faint floral aroma that normally enveloped Rui for the evening, much to my dismay. I'll have to give them my thanks the next time we meet, whenever that is.

The vegetables in the broth were so soft that I only knew of their existence when I happened to scoop up a limp, paper-thin strand of onion together with some of the stew. I didn't comment on it, but it was an amusing discovery to make.

That was Rui's last visit for the day. He told me to remember to wake up on time tomorrow (today) and I almost wished for time to stop then, before he left.

March 24

My temperature was back to normal today. My throat wasn't sore, and the insides of my nose were dry. I was already changed into my uniform when Rui dropped by to check in on me. I stuck my chin up and proudly told him that I never felt better this morning. After pressing his palm on my forehead and eyeing me up and down extensively, he gave me the pass and flatly congratulated me for recovering, complete with the tiniest applause. Not even that could keep me down. I laughed and patted him on the shoulder and said that it was all thanks to him. I was so overjoyed that right before stepping out into the hallway, I turned back and mentioned that I'd seen the notes he left me before getting ready for today's morning training.

It felt great to finally be able to go out for a good work out. I popped by the kitchen earlier than usual and greeted the madames who were getting today's rations ready. It was a pleasant conversation. It's always a relief to know that the staff and their families were in good spirits. They were glad to see that I was back and asked if Rui's cooking was any good. That was how I found out that he'd consulted them for advice on how to prepare yesterday's boar meat. It was meant to be a secret, but they felt that his earnest attempt at cooking something for me(!) was, in their words, much too endearing for me to not know about. (They were right.)

Also, they mentioned that Rui had cut his finger while chopping vegetables. It's most likely because he tried to cut them as thinly as humanly possible for his own benefit, but an injury is still an injury. I tracked him down to his room right after and told him to show me his hand. He was confused for a split second before he tensed up in realisation and threw his hands behind his back when I began staring.

He couldn't be more guilty if he tried.

Barring the details, I told him that the kitchen staff mentioned it to me while examining his hands. Then, I saw it. A thin scab that ran down his right hand's fingertips. I pushed him back into his room and grabbed some medical supplies from my room to treat the wounds.

He said that he'd washed them and that it wasn't a big deal since there was no infection, but that was just insufficient in my opinion. Bandages were not suited for such small wounds, so I reminded him to be careful and keep them clean until they healed.

Before I left, Rui asked why I didn't ask how he sustained these injuries. Frankly, I didn't ask because I already knew why, but he didn't need to know that. So I told him that it didn't matter whether or not I knew the reason if he didn't want to open up. I wouldn't react any differently.

I didn't elaborate past that. He didn't need to know.

Chapter Text

It is strange how quick one gets used to a routine.

I was only in bed for a few days with Rui checking in on me periodically each day, yet I'm acting as if this is something he does for me on the regular. I shouldn't be yearning for those days so longingly as if that was a normal routine between the two of us, yet I do.

Now that I think about it, did he do this before? He used to be indifferent, I remember. During the first few months after his release, he would briefly comment on my return with a nonchalant 'Oh, you're back' and that would be the end of it. I believe it was sometime last year when he started dropping off medicine and herbal tea sachets in my room. Back then, he would openly show his disgust at my sickly state and leave as soon as he could.

Ah, that reminds me of the time he fell ill with the same symptoms I had the very next day after one such visit. I was looking for him to discuss something, and was surprised to hear him sniffling and coughing in his room. It also didn't help that he (correctly) blamed me angrily for his state back then. I felt remorseful and took it upon myself to look after him until he recovered. That was my first time doing so, I believe.

Tangent aside, I miss having him by my side whenever I woke up. It cheered me up significantly. It felt as if my heart was chirruping alongside the songbirds outside. Now, my room feels strangely empty, as if it's too big.

I wonder if he feels the same whenever I nurse him back to health.

Chapter Text

I saw Rui heading out for a survey today from my window.

He's no longer wearing his coat, but he was still shivering a little when a draft of wind blew. He was still wearing the gloves I gave him in winter.

Just before he left my field of vision, he whipped around and looked up at me. Our eyes met and it sent a chill down my spine.

To say it caught me off-guard is an understatement. Was my disdain for paperwork so apparent that he knew I would be looking out the window to distract myself instead of working? He mouthed to me to get back to work, and gestured to turn around (to look at the papers, I presume). I couldn't help but chuckle.

I think the other survey members called out to Rui to keep up, because he turned his head the other way all of a sudden before scurrying off into the distance, presumably to join them.

This was more effective at keeping me awake for the afternoon than any other distraction.

Chapter Text

While patrolling the town today, I overheard some of the townsfolk talking about Rui.

Specifically, they were talking about how he seems to have turned over a new leaf completely. I think the 'seems' is unnecessary personally, but I'm glad that they think so.

They also mentioned that the town now looks livelier thanks to all the flowers he raised. It makes me wonder how many types of flowers he's cultivating in and around town.

I was about to head along to my next patrol area when I heard someone call out to me. The old watchmaker greeted me and asked about my absence from last week's spring festival. He was a very understanding gentleman. He lamented that it was a shame I couldn't be there for the evening feast and told me to join in on the next big festival.

That should be the firefly festival, if I'm not mistaken. Just the thought of it sends chills down my spine.

I told him I'll try my best to make it for that day, but I'm half-considering putting myself down for guard duty at the estate just to keep myself busy then. I'll need to check the specific dates tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I hope I can sit down with Rui for lunch. The daffodils are wilting, and I don't know if they are salvageable. I've been meaning to ask him for advice on how to keep them alive longer, but we've been busy for our separate tasks. I tried knocking on his door earlier, but there was no response. It's unusual for him to be asleep so soon, when it's wasn't even 10.

Dwelling on it doesn't change the fact that it's also time for me to turn in.

Chapter Text

I asked Rui about the daffodils today and he said that it might be too late to get them pressed. He said that it's usually best to press them at their freshest, and it's been over a week since he got the blooms ready, so the result wouldn't turn out as nice.

It felt like a shame to just throw them all out. I asked if it was possible to press at least one of the prettiest flowers, and he just repeated that it wouldn't be a very nice result. I insisted, and now I owe him three favours.

There was a sparkle in his eye when he made that declaration. A mischievous, smug one. I'm sure that if he remained a second longer and opened his mouth, he would have snickered at me for being so foolish as to hand away so many favours to him in such quick succession.

Except he doesn't know that that's exactly what I'm doing.

Rui also informed me that his tulips are due to bloom in a few days. We agreed to meet at 7 in the morning before work, two days later.

I'm already restless at the thought.

Chapter Text

I might need an exorcist to rid myself of some demons.

Rui suddenly excused himself and bent down in his seat so that he could adjust his right sock while we were chatting with Emu and Nene.

I know what Rui's skin looks like. I see his face, his hands, his collar, and his neck everyday. I've seen his forearms and shins before, they are only exposed when he's in his casualwear for summer. This isn't unusual.

Yet when a sliver of his ankle peeked out from beneath his hem, I couldn't help but stare. I stared like a man hypnotised. I remember gulping, but my mind blacked out in that moment. It was only when Nene jabbed my thigh that I came to my senses. And I owe her my lifelong gratitude, too. Rui set his foot down and wiped his hands with his handkerchief right after her timely punch. If she was even a second late, I'm certain that Rui would engineer my dishonourable discharge by any means necessary as revenge.

...I need to keep my cool. No exorcists. Not yet.

Chapter Text

I've just returned from lunch with some time to spare, so I will recount the morning's happenings here before I leave for the meetings lined up for the rest of the afternoon.

We'd agreed to meet at Rui's room since he knew where to go, but there was no response from him even when I knocked on his door several times. His door was locked, and I could do nothing but call his name from the other side. Shortly after that, I heard some loud thuds and thumps coming from inside before he swung the door open looking haggard. His hair was an untamed mess and he was panting as he apologised for being tardy. I assured him that it was fine. He really didn't have to rush. It was as good as going on a leisurely walk together in my mind.

As we headed out, I smoothed his hair out and told him to stop working so late into the night and sleep earlier instead. He eyed me with annoyance, but didn't say anything in return. After walking part of the way in silence, he asked if I was sleeping well at night. I was surprised due to both the question itself and how sudden it was. The confusion was apparent on my face, I think. He added without prompting from me that he was just wondering if I was getting any better from last month. That finally jogged my memory. I forgot that he'd seen me with this book not once, but twice so far.

The first time, I was writing on the assumption that I was ill. If he remembers that... Perhaps he really did manage to make out some of my writings that time. I told him it was all okay now, and that I've seen a doctor already. He fell silent after that. I don't think I made a very convincing response with how much I omitted, but he didn't probe further. He might have mumbled something under his breath, but he denied it when I asked.

We arrived at a different flowerbed than I'd expected. A couple of tulips in full bloom lined the southern path leading to the forest where the forestfolk lived. They came in all sorts of colours. Apart from the plain purple ones, there were also some red ones with yellow streaks along the petals. I bent down to take a closer look at the flowers. The purple ones in particular reminded me of Rui's hair. I feel like if I turned them upside down, the flowers would look exactly like how Rui's head looks when seen from behind.

Right after I pointed that out, a butterfly fluttered towards the very tulip I was admiring and I practically jumped out of my skin at the sight. I was clinging onto Rui for dear life, my heart was pounding for dear life, I

I can't believe I did that.

Rui shooed the bug away and gently pushed me while saying that it was gone. I finally opened my eyes and realised only then that I had my face buried in his chest.

I don't know how I managed to respond to him normally when he said it was time to go back. I envy how Rui was able to maintain a straight face despite my unsightly behaviour. The few moments it took for my face to stop burning felt like an eternity.

I spent the rest of the morning thinking about what'd happened. The heartbeat pounding in my ears never truly went away. We didn't really talk about what happened after that. Rui went about his usual business, but I feel like he might have been avoiding eye contact with me so far. He was also awfully quiet at lunch. I couldn't look him in the eye, but he didn't avoid me when I approached him, so it was okay, right? That should mean that he wasn't upset... Right? Maybe it's all in my head. I excused myself once I was done with my food. The silence between us was too much for me.

It's unfair how I seem to be the only one shaken by something so minor. I need to pull myself together.

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Rui smells like lavenders today.

It was unusual, but not too surprising. He did mention that he drinks it sometimes.

We didn't see each other much today, though. His reports were already on my desk by the time I reported in for work.

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Nene dropped by today. Through my office window as usual. I let her roam my office while we chatted since there were no visitors in official capacity who will turn up today. She claimed that she was here because she was bored, which sounded like her way of saying that she wanted to check in on me.

Sure enough, she asked if the boar that she and Emu hunted (...of course they did) tasted any good. That reminded me that I never actually got to thanking them for the kind, albeit smelly, gift during our last get-together. It must've slipped my mind then, but I have to wonder why they didn't bring it up at the time. I recall Emu vibrating with excitement while listening to Rui's tales from the capital, but surely that wasn't all we talked about...

As I recounted the events of that day to her, all she did was stare at me silently. It was quite unsettling. I asked if something was wrong and she just said that the grin on my face was going to split it apart with how wide it was going.

Gruesome description aside, I couldn't help but laugh. It was refreshing to be able to express these feelings openly in front of someone I trust. Nene then asked why I wasn't pursuing Rui now that I understood what I felt and I told her frankly how I didn't want him to feel obligated to answer to these feelings, and didn't want to ruin what we've managed to build up so far. I also told her about how I've since repurposed my diary to be a more personal record of how I felt around him so that I could keep the fond memories close to me while managing that which I've chosen to bottle up.

We moved on to discuss the upcoming events in town after that. Nene reminded me to keep a lookout for bears in the forest before she took her leave. It felt a little redundant considering I'm the one who reminds our troops of the same, but I appreciated her unorthodox way of expressing her concern.

Today was rather uneventful especially if we exclude Nene's surprise visit. I didn't get to see Rui today. It's a little concerning since he also didn't appear in the cafeteria for three days in a row now, but for all I know, he might just be busy.

Hopefully he'll have a proper lunch tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Today was a good day to see Rui, but I have unfortunately not seen him in the morning thus far. He left some reports on my desk along with a note summarising each one's findings before I'd arrived.

It was well-written as one might expect, but still. Not a good start to the day.

Rui didn't come down to get lunch either, so I got whatever looked the most Rui-friendly on a plate and brought it to his room to get him eating and check in on him while I was at it.

My knocks went unanswered, but I could hear rustling coming from inside. I carefully made my way in expecting Rui to not be in, but he was. He was on the floor, scribbling on paper at lightning speed all while mumbling to himself.

Looks like he really was busy.

Regardless, I called his name and went about setting the plate on whatever open space his desk had. He only realised I was there when I tiptoed over some of the mess past him.

He was quite upset at my presence, firing off a stream of questions demanding that I explain what I was doing there (delivering food to him). Why didn't I knock (I did), why did I have to go to his room... I waited until he was done before asking him when the last time he ate was and that silenced him immediately. He eventually sighed and said that he's been eating dinner. It was better than I imagined, honestly. But that begs the question of why he was skipping lunch for the past few days. When I probed further, he just clammed up and looked away, his eyes darting between me and the floor at an increasingly distressed pace.

I think I was taken over by hunger at this point, because all I wanted was to hurry back to eat and not have to spend all of lunch interrogating him. Some part of me was also frustrated that he was evading me on purpose and didn't want to say why. I vented some of that frustration by heaving an exaggerated sigh and pretending to be upset that he didn't want to spend time with me anymore before turning to walk out.

In hindsight, this was rather juvenile of me.

To my surprise, and possibly to my rusty acting skill's credit, Rui actually fell for it. He stuttered, saying that he wasn't avoiding me because he hated me. He said that he couldn't explain it, and I felt guilty watching him frantically search for the words to describe what he was feeling. I reached down and awkwardly pat his head and apologised. I assured him that I wasn't angry at all and told him I really preferred if he'd stop avoiding me if possible. If he ever manages to find the words to tell me why, then I'm always ready to listen.

He wasn't pleased to know that I'd tricked him, but he didn't voice any protests. He did call me horrible and told me to stop treating him like a dog as I pulled him up, though.

Rui then headed to his desk to inspect the food I'd brought. Just as I turned to (actually) leave, he suddenly asked if I'd brought any cutlery with me. I was confused initially, but my blood went cold once the realisation dawned upon me: I'd completely forgotten to retrieve his eating utensils in my haste to find him. His disappointment was plain as day. I ended up having to make an extra trip down to the cafeteria to pick up a set for him before going down again to eat.

I could've sworn I heard him laugh as I headed down the hallway, but I may be wrong.

Rui dropped by later in the afternoon to submit some reports and I couldn't be happier.

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At lunch, a soldier approached us all of a sudden to ask if there's anything I would be happy to receive.

I was well aware of the true purpose of the question even if he tried his hardest not to make it obvious. I heard from some of the corporals and sergeants that they draw lots among themselves to pick the sacrificial lamb who has to ask me personally what I'd like for my birthday through any means possible. It's a strange custom they created for themselves some years ago to get the perfect gift to express their gratitude, apparently. I do have to admit that as unusual as it is, it was much more palatable than the one time I was watched all day and night for the week leading up to my birthday to achieve that.

Anyway, it was pretty easy for me to answer this time. I just told him that I wouldn't say no to more bottles of ink. He quickly scurried back to the table he'd come from and they erupted into a cacophony of voices as they all interrogated him at once and worked out what to do with that new piece of information.

Rui was perplexed by the entire exchange. He raised a brow at me and pointed back at the general direction the soldier came from. Once I filled him in on what was going on, he blinked a few times before asking when my birthday was.

That reminded me that I've never actually celebrated my birthday with Rui before. His short stint before the incident began in July and lasted a measly few months before its abrupt end. It also reminded me that I didn't know Rui's birthday either. I offered to tell him when mine was in exchange for him telling me his.

June 24. I'll have to think of a gift for him soon.

Rui then asked if there's anything else I'd like apart from ink. I told him frankly that I'd accept anything no matter what, but he wasn't convinced that I was telling the truth for some reason. He returned to picking at his lettuce with his fork when I told him that he didn't need to think too hard over something so trivial.

I wonder if it's greedy to hope that he'll actually get me something. I'm not sure, but for now, I think not.

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One of the farmers called out to me in the middle of my morning run to give away some extra eggs laid by her hens. She said that her chickens have been laying far too many eggs lately and she was tired of cooking eggs for every meal every day.

Now I have a basket of eggs.

I tried giving them to the kitchen, but the ladies already received their fair share of eggs from the chicken farmer, so I'm now stuck with a basket of eggs that will spoil in a week.

When Rui dropped by, he set his papers down to inspect the eggs one by one. I don't know why. He said that he was just checking that they weren't spoiled, but it felt like that wasn't all. There wasn't much to do today, so I just let him play(?) with the eggs all morning. I watched him arrange the eggs from one end of my desk to the other (using my stationery as barriers), in ascending order of size and separated by colour. Rounder eggs were grouped away from the more oblong ones.

I still don't know why he did that.

After he was seemingly satisfied, Rui took one egg away with him and returned the rest of them to the basket.

Strange.

I still have a basket of eggs that may spoil in one week.

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I've been hearing loud clanking and hammering coming from Rui's room each time I walk by.

He completed a record number of reports by mid-day and came up with some of the finest strategies he's produced so far that we could try out during our training. When I voiced my praise, he thanked me stoically as usual, but asked for a few more eggs in return this time. I was more than happy to give them away, but I don't know why he was being so formal about the eggs. It's just a basket of eggs. I doubt anyone would mind if he took the entire basket. I think he wants to make something with them, but I don't know what one could make with a bunch of eggs. Well, it's Rui, so he might be able to come up with something no one else could, but who knows. All I know is that I've never seen him so excited about anything apart from flowers.

Speaking of the eggs, I manage to give some of them away to the other soldiers, but I still have a few dozens of them left over. I fried two of them for breakfast this morning, but my efforts hardly made a dent in the egg count, I fear. I'll try cooking some for supper tonight. I could try some recipes over the next few days if I don't get sick of them first.

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I went to Rui's room to discuss some of the formations he'd suggested a few days back. While he was examining the amendments I proposed, I glanced around and caught sight of a strange contraption in the corner housing the eggs he'd taken with him. It looked like a little cabinet, but filled with eggs instead of dinnerware.

After our discussion, I asked what he was doing with the eggs and he froze. He awkwardly averted his gaze and bit his lip before asking why I needed to know that. It sounded very suspicious, but he didn't seem to be putting them in harm's way, so I didn't understand why he needed to be so secretive about it. I told him that I just wanted to understand him better and he relented after a long bout of silence, thankfully.

Apparently, the contraption helps the eggs to hatch without a hen.

Seeing my shocked expression, Rui groaned into his palms and complained that he wanted to keep it a secret precisely because he knew that it was weird. He looked genuinely hurt. It makes me wonder if he finds it difficult to open up to others because of some bad experience he had when he was younger when he did. I assured him that I was only surprised because I didn't expect him to make such a thing. Heck, I didn't even know that such an astounding feat of science was possible in the first place. When I asked why he created it, he made me swear on my life and my bloodline that I wouldn't laugh at his answer or tell anyone else.

As he adjusted the dials on the contraption (he calls it an 'incubator', in the sense that it is a thing that incubates), he explained that he'd always wanted to raise a chicken when he was a kid.

Apparently, that's it.

I brought up that the farmer who gave away the eggs in the first place would definitely be eager to share some with him if he'd asked. She ends up with excess on a regular basis. But he shot down the idea of approaching her on the premise that the townspeople still hold a grudge against him.

But that just wasn't true to me at all. The elderly staff here look out for him like he's one of their own sons. The townspeople appreciate his efforts at beautifying the town with his flowers. The soldiers respect him for his terrifyingly keen mind. There was so much I could say as a counter-argument, but the words were jammed in my throat. All I could tell him was that he wouldn't know if he never tried reaching out to them. Rui hummed in agreement, but his voice was hollow. He looked and sounded defeated, as if he'd lost all hope of ever getting along with anyone in town. There was a melancholic air hanging around Rui after that. I don't know if anything I did could lift him out of the fog in that moment.

I wish I wasn't so powerless.

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I had the most peculiar conversation with Emu today.

When I asked her about the wildflowers she shared with Rui last month, she said she never did such a thing. Thinking that she'd forgotten, I tried jogging her memory by describing some of the petals I saw and the flavour it produced. Still, she didn't know what I was talking about. We were both unable to make heads or tails of this and eventually moved on to other topics, but this bothers me.

Did I mishear him the first time? Cross-checking with that day's entry wouldn't help since it was written based off my memory.

I don't know what to make of this.

Also, I've finally given away the last of the eggs to Emu. I'll be plagued by eggy meals no longer.

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For the first time in my life, Rui's room was tidier than it was during my last visit without my intervention.

I wanted to look over some documents that will be used in our next meeting with him and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that there was walking space available when he opened the door. He'd also sectioned off the incubator's corner because that's where the chicks will stay when they hatch.

He is so adorable.

It was impressive to see how the right source of motivation can push people to do things that they would never in a million years consider otherwise. All he really did was move some papers to his bed and desk, but the very fact that he did it in the first place was laudable. Somewhat.

I suggested using some cloth and cotton to turn the egg basket into a makeshift bed for the chicks and Rui liked the idea. I wonder how it will turn out over the next few days.

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Rui confuses me at times.

Emu dropped by in the afternoon to ask if she could occupy my private quarters tomorrow while I was out. My answer was obviously a no, but she was insistent that she will keep things in order while I was away. She eventually let slip that it was Rui who asked her to make this bizarre request, so I confronted him in his room with her in tow.

Rui was annoyed that I wasn't willing to allow anyone who asked into my room while I was absent, and asked why I couldn't just play along this once. Thank goodness for Emu, because she was all too happy to explain that they needed a place for her to teach Rui how to sew once I asked why. Needless to say, Rui was distraught. He argued that his room was too cramped for them to work in and that it'd be easier to clean up the stray thread and scraps in a room that's cleaner than his, leaving my office and private quarters as the only options available. A baffling conclusion to make when the manor is equipped with 3 lounges for residents to peruse or to receive guests. Besides, his room was large enough to hold a couple of people barring the fact that there's paper as far as the eye can see on the floor.

After a little bit of back and forth, he snapped and admitted that he didn't want anyone to walk in on him and Emu and find out about the chickens. Again, another baffling concern considering the cat (or chicken?) will be out of the bag in due time once the eggs hatch and the chicks start roaming around.

That does remind me, where does he plan to keep the chickens after they grow up?

We settled on a compromise in the end. They'll have to clean up his room and make do with it on the days I'm out, and on the days I'm in, they can work in my office.

I wish Rui would direct a morsel of this passion towards keeping his living space in order.

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Rui is surprisingly clumsy with needlework.

I wasn't paying much attention since Rui somehow completed a week's worth of paperwork in 3 days for me to follow up on. While eating, I noticed that his hands had a couple of scratches on them. Emu helped treat them as far as I could tell, but I don't think the balms she applied on them will suffice if he keeps working his hands for fine needlework.

After they were done for the day, I called him over so that I could inspect his wounds. I wasn't too skilled with first aid, so it might not amount to much, but I cleaned his wounds before bandaging them up at least. I tried to be as gentle as I could, and even then his fingers would twitch whenever I got too close to the scratches. I can't imagine it's easy to sew in this condition, but I don't think he'll stop trying until he produces something satisfactory.

Now I'm glad that I made them promise to work in my office in my presence. I'll have to keep an eye out in case anything happens. I reminded him to be careful next time and to reach out if he's ever in need.

Hopefully they'll be done soon before the next drill on my schedule. They were just starting to make some of the bedding today.

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Rui pricked his finger by accident while sewing the blanket he was working on today. He insisted he was fine until I brought up that he cannot tend to his flowers with the state his hands are in. He had a troubled look for a brief second when he heard that.

I felt bad for him. I don't think anyone would stand being told to stop doing what they loved if they were still capable of it. No matter how careful one is, one accident is really all it takes to change everything. Rui pondered over what I'd said for several minutes before mentioning that there were a number of flowerbeds he needed to check and possibly tend to over the next week. He then offered to exchange one favour for my assistance with any digging and soil maintenance needed for a few days.

I was more than ready to accept it if it meant he wasn't going to risk damaging his hands further. I'll be helping him until his wounds heal. Rui was so perplexed that he repeated what I'd said and asked if it really was alright with me. I know very well that the payment in labour was disproportionate to his envisioned ideal, but he doesn't need to know that.

I need to turn in early tonight since we'll meet at 5 in the morning, so I'll end this entry here.

Chapter Text

Today's weather was quite pleasant. Rui and I made our rounds to the two flowerbeds he needed to visit. I removed the weeds, spread some compost, and trimmed some of the rose bushes too. Rui asked that I scoop up a little soil for him to inspect and he watered the plants after.

1. Rose bushes to the south - light trimming of overgrown branches and pulled some weeds
2. Crocuses to the south (neighbouring field east of the roses) - pulled some weeds

It was unnerving working while knowing that there were bugs lurking everywhere around me. Rui directed me on what to do and I closed my eyes as soon as I got his confirmation that I was pulling the correct plants and trimming the right branches. I tried my hardest to avoid looking at the ground or the plants, but I just couldn't help but twitch and jump at the slightest bit of contact I felt from the leaves each time all because I was so worried that a bug was crawling up my skin. Just the thought of it now sends shivers down my every limb. I hope Rui didn't notice any of that, but that's wishful thinking, I think.

I'm afraid I might have bitten off a lot more than I could chew, but I can't back out now that I've committed to this. We'll be checking another set of flowerbeds tomorrow. I can only pray that I survive until Rui's hands recover.

Joining him on his gardening routine on top of having to fulfill my other tasks in the day is a lot more exhausting than I'd anticipated. I need to get ample rest if I want to keep up.

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Before we set off for the flowers, I helped apply the medicinal balm that Emu gave Rui on his hands. The balm has a distinct, unmistakeable odour that was difficult to miss. I stopped him before he could step one foot out of his door when I recalled Emu's instructions for him to use it daily and realised that the smell permeating his room was much fainter than it was yesterday. Rui tried to feign ignorance at first, but I wasn't having any of it and sat him down right away.

His hands twitched whenever I rubbed the balm over the open wounds. I tried to be as gentle as I could, but the stinging was just inevitable, sadly. Rui sulked for the rest of the way to the lilies and buttercups and refused to speak to me until he directed me on what to do.

It seems like it rained in the middle of the night. The soil was damp and it goes without saying that those detested creepy crawlies were out in full force... Just the thought of what little I'd seen makes me want to throw up. I wish millipedes and earthworms didn't look or move the way they did...

I don't know if Rui truly needed the select few lilies to be uprooted and replanted away from the others or if he was just telling me to do so to spite me, but I perservered despite every fiber of my being recoiling in disgust at the ants and mites and millipedes as they scattered frantically.

Some thoughts may be better left unwritten, and this entire entry seems to be one of them.

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Rui and Emu spent most of today sewing. No new injuries to speak of, mental or otherwise, thankfully.

They managed to make a few fluffy blankets stuffed with cotton and turned the basket into a lovely little chicken bed. They are still working on more smaller pieces of fabric which Rui said was supposed to become diapers for the chickens as they roamed around. I don't know if that's necessary, but they have been hard at work regardless.

Thanks to the rain, we will only need to make 2 more trips to check on Rui's flowers. I'll be able to sleep in a little longer soon.

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Horrifying. Just horrifying.

Why did there have to be a wasp nest nearby? I ended up falling over when I got startled by the grasshoppers hopping out of the way as I tried to evade the flying wasps. Fortunately, I only suffered a few abrasions out of this. Rui ended up handling some of the trimming by himself while I was panicking. He wasn't too bothered (I hope) about it, but I felt like I'd reneged on the promise I'd proposed. A stain on my being, it felt like.

One day, I will enjoy the camellias, roses, and daffodils northwest of the town square during their respective flowering periods. But today is definitely not that day.

Chapter Text

Today marks the end of two things.

1. Rui's sewing lessons with Emu

2. My assistance with maintaining some of Rui's flowers (he mentioned offhandedly that there was more. How many flowers is he growing?)

Emu will still drop by occasionally to drop off some of the chicken diapers she was helping him to make. Rui now sews chicken diapers during the work day between tasks. I have a feeling that he's overreacting when he says that chickens poop a lot, but I don't think I want to verify that claim.

I can't help but hope that the eggs hatch soon after seeing how much effort he's putting into making their lives comfortable. But at the same time, I found myself missing the old rhythm of working together that we had prior. Rui truly left no room for revisions in the stack of reports he'd turned in, so I never really had a need to approach him for clarification. I know that it has only been 2 weeks and that this is a petty complaint to make, but I wish he'd spend more time looking at me and talking to me. I can't deny the longing I felt in the depths of my heart whenever we returned to the manor after tending to the flowers. Still, I held my tongue while Rui and Emu joyfully chatted with each other and focused on my work. We barely spoke a word each day unless I asked him and Emu how things were coming along. Numerous times I'd wished for him to talk to me once more before we stepped back inside. Some nights, I had to quash the voice in my head wishing I could sew so that Rui would approach me instead before I could fall asleep.

I hope that today also marks the return to our work routine.

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Rui had a small leaf stuck in his hair when he reported to me in the morning.

It was an endearing sight.

Instead of listening to what he had to say, I stared at him for the duration of his report. Once he was done, I asked him to come closer so that I could take the leaf out. He was confused at first, of course. He folded when I persisted and hilariously, he yelped once he saw the leaf in my hand.

I couldn't help but laugh, but his mood soured and he slammed the door behind him as he stomped out. I was a little worried that I'd truly offended him, but he stopped by again after a while to hand over another report and seemed to be completely fine.

Later during lunch, he painstakingly transferred all of the vegetables on his plate onto mine, so it seems like he didn't take that lightly after all.

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I spent most of the morning wondering what I should get for Saki's birthday.

I want to avoid getting flowers again this year since I sent her a bunch of hyacinths last year. I took a short stroll in town during my lunch break in the hopes that I could find something worthy, but I couldn't. There were many beautiful trinkets and miniatures that caught my eye, but I couldn't settle on any of them because I'd end up wanting something better for her. Seeing as I was getting nowhere with this trip, I ended up cutting it short so that I could grab a quick bite before my next meeting.

On the way to the meeting, I met up with Rui who asked where I was. I told him I'd been out, and waited for the meeting to end before confiding in him my concern. He has been a great help in times like these, especially when it comes to getting good flowers as gifts. He was the one who suggested getting blue and white hyacinths when I was in a similar slump for Saki's birthday last year, not to mention the flowers he recommended for Valentine's for mom and Saki.

Rui mentioned that the pressed daffodils he was preparing was complete and that flowers have been pressed onto a small card which would be perfect for a birthday message. He retrieved it from his room for me and it was as beautiful as I could've hoped. I asked if it was really alright for me to use the card that way since Rui was the one who went through the effort of making it for me, and he said that I could do whatever I wanted with it since it's mine. He also mentioned that it was better for me to narrow down the type of gift I'd like to get for Saki before attempting to make any purchases since I had the tendency to overthink.

I didn't know I had such a habit. I decided to heed his advice and think about this carefully over the next few days.

Chapter Text

While on the way to the market to browse some wares again, I bumped into Rui who was on the way back with a bag of wood shavings. Apparently, he helped one of the farmers fix their equipment in exchange for it and was going to make a litter box for the chickens. He tried to keep a straight face, but his excitement was evident.

I wish

We bade each other farewell after that.

I ended up returning empty-handed, but I had a better idea of what I'd like to give Saki this time. I might get the palm-sized jewellery case I saw at the handicraft store. Saki mentioned in her last letter that she'd formed a traveling troubadour troupe with her friends and are making preparations for their first journey. Something that's easy to pack would be handy, I believe.

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I bought the jewellery case today, but I got too carried away with my shopping and ended up buying some bandages and an assortment of medicine and medical ointments from the physician as well. I also picked up some insect repellent botanical oils for myself while I was at it.

That reminds me, I will need lots of wrapping paper to protect the items from the elements on their way to Saki. I made a note to hand the package off to the courier before he leaves on his route tomorrow.

Thankfully, Rui happened to be shopping in town too and helped me carry some of my purchases back to my private quarters. He had some bundles of cut flowers with him, which he said he'll use to make some teas. He no longer needed to keep his hands bandaged from today at least, so that wasn't an issue in my eyes.

That also reminded me of the conversation I had with Emu some weeks ago. I brought up her confusion when I asked her about the wildflowers she gave to him for making tea and Rui froze up and began panicking. Apparently, he'd mixed up the flowers with other gifts he'd received from her in his storage.

It sounded plausible with how messy his room is. I told him to keep his room and personal artifacts tidy to prevent such mistakes from happening again. He was quite embarrassed from this fumble, it seems. He looked away when he said he'll keep that in mind.

I'm glad that we could clear up this misunderstanding.

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I was in pretty high spirits today since I managed to send Saki's birthday present out. So apparent was my happiness that everyone who saw me, including Rui and Nene, asked if something good happened to me today.

I was filled with such joy that I didn't even feel the urge to tell Rui off for sneaking his vegetables onto my plate during lunch. I could feel his stare on me as I ate, but I was unperturbed.

Today is a good day.

Chapter Text

During today's meeting, the mayor reported that he'd been summoned by the King to vote following the recent passing of one of the dukes. Oddly enough, His Majesty also sent a writ inviting Rui for a private audience. The mayor and I agreed that His Majesty's intent behind this audience should be benign, but it would also be better to err on the side of caution.

The King is a benevolent ruler, and I hold His Majesty in high regard. After so many years since the former prime minister was charged by the law and sent to prison, it was hard to fathom why His Majesty would want to hold audience with Rui in particular. He seemed nervous about this too, so I doubt that anyone else could've seen this coming. I tried reassuring him that it'll be alright after the mayor left. Rui saw His Majesty a number of times while he was serving the former prime minister, but he has never been summoned or addressed by His Majesty personally thus far.

I'll be serving as the mayor's personal guard for the duration of the journey and we agreed that another soldier should accompany us for Rui's safety since it's been several years since he last visited the capital. While the former prime minister's associates have mostly been dealt with by now, I cannot help but worry about the potential presence of any remaining loyalists who may not view him kindly.

This also means that I'll need to appoint someone else to manage the estate in my absence. That responsibility usually falls on Rui when I'm away, but not this time, clearly.

The vote is scheduled for July 1. I anticipate that things will get hectic as we make the necessary arrangements for this journey.

Chapter Text

Rui informed me that the eggs will hatch soon and said that he might take the day off when that happens. I asked if he needed any help with raising them during their first weeks but he said he'll manage on his own first.

It's always a joy to see him smile genuinely, even if he doesn't realise it.

Chapter Text

Rui's eggs hatched today.

Out of the six, two weren't viable, but the remaining four hatched safely.

I only stopped by his room a few times today whenever I had time between tasks to take a look. During lunch, they were still clumsy, taking unsteady steps around his room and tripping over their feet. By evening, they were a little more steady on their feet and were gobbling up the feed Rui had prepared.

Rui looked giddy like a child on Christmas.

(a drop of ink)

I think I need to accept the fact that I'm j e I'm I    envy those chicks for being able to evoke such innocent and genuine glee in him just by existing. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. But I can't always look the other way whenever these feelings surface either.

But I can't wallow in these feelings and mourn like a toddler either.

Would it be weird if I asked him out for dinner on my birthday?

I think I should head to bed before I end up coming up with a decision I'm sure to regret.

Chapter Text

Rui took today off too and in his words, he's facing a crisis.

The chicks follow him wherever he goes and he's afraid that he'll accidentally close his door on them as they try to follow him out. It was apparently a struggle trying to leave his room for lunch today. Personally, I think it's adorable that they're recognising him as their mother (father? mother?) and tailing after him, but there is a real danger of someone accidentally stepping on them if this continues.

It took a lot of negotiating, but I managed to convince Rui to spend one of my remaining favours to bring his meals up to his room on the condition that he eats all the vegetables in the soup served in the kitchen each day. He was reluctant, to say the least, but I find that it is about as fair as it gets considering the chicks are going to be tiny and fragile for weeks, or even months.

Also, I thought of a new means of coping with my negative feelings. Whenever I'm feeling upset about something, I'll think of a positive way to describe it.

The chicks were very fluffy with their fuzzy feathers. They have voracious appetites, so I'm eager to see them grow up healthy. They run towards Rui whenever I approach them and it's very cute. They make Rui happy so I'm happy too.

Chapter Text

Since Rui isn't leaving his room unless necessary, I'm now dropping by to pick up his reports.

The chicks were dozing off while huddled near Rui's heater. It would've been a lot more heartwarming if there wasn't a number of leftover worms wriggling and writhing in the box as well.

Horrifying.

I left as soon as my business was done.

Rui's face scrunched up as if he'd licked a lemon while drinking today's cabbage soup and I couldn't help but laugh. His glare held no weight when he was teary-eyed from just one mouthful of soup.

I'd asked the madames who worked the kitchen to make more vegetable broths this month and they were more than happy to oblige once I told them about the agreement. Hopefully Rui doesn't catch on to this in the coming days.

Chapter Text

Some of the soldiers are starting to notice the endless chirping coming from Rui's room. No one has approached me so far, but I think it's a matter of time before someone gets concerned enough to report their suspicions to me.

We, or rather, I met the mayor today and we managed to decide on our route to and fro the capital. Since our town is far, we will require about 4 days to go there by carriage. We may make a few stops along the way, which might extend the trip by a few days. The plan is to arrive the day before the vote and then leave the day after, so 2 nights in the capital before we depart. All in all, we are looking at a potential 12-day trip in from the end of June to early July.

Although the exact date of departure has yet to be decided, I was quite bothered by the fact that we will most likely be on the road on Rui's birthday. If so, I'll think of a way to celebrate his birthday with him. A small celebration might not amount to much, but it's still something.

Speaking of birthdays, Saki's birthday is coming in 4 days. I hope the package arrives on time.

Also, the mayor guessed that Rui was raising chickens the instant he heard chirps from his room when we went past. I wasn't sure what kind of white lie could be made to help Rui maintain the secrecy he so desired at the time, so I just confirmed his hypothesis and asked him to keep it a secret between us.

I'd never seen the mayor burst into such hearty chortles before.

I don't know if I should break the news to Rui or not. Maybe tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Rui was distraught that the mayor found out about the chickens and accused me of letting it slip to him. I had to remind him that the chicks chirp all day everyday and can be heard from outside. Regardless, he was still frustrated and spent some time curled up on the floor simmering in anger.

It was hard to keep a straight face when the chicks were trying to huddle up against him at the same time.

I told him there was really no need to keep it a secret, especially since the chickens will eventually grow up and need to go outside to roam, but he wasn't open to it still. I guess all I can do is wait for him to figure it out on his own.

Now that he's caring for the chicks all day, Rui doesn't really go out until it's nighttime after they go to sleep. Maybe he'll be okay with dinner if I asked...

It's been a long while since I last visited my favourite tavern by the town square. I'll head over tomorrow after work and ask the proprietress if she could save a table for me on my birthday. If Rui refuses, I can go on my own and maybe have an extra pint or two. If he accepts, then I have no other wishes to make.

Either way, I'll be a happy man.

Chapter Text

Today's split pea soup was torture for Rui. I think he fed some of the peas to the chicks while I wasn't looking.

I don't think I've felt sorrier for him than in that moment. He looked like he was self-administering poison by the spoon. I almost considered finishing the remaining half of the soup myself after he slumped over his desk, groaning in misery. He eventually finished it, but not without inflicting debilitating torment to his body and soul. I hope the pat on his back and words of encouragement were able to soothe some of the agony at least.

I should ask the madames to make some meat stew tomorrow to cut him some slack.

The proprietress was overjoyed to see me again today. When she asked how many friends I was going to bring, I said 'maybe one', because I've yet to gather the courage to ask Rui, and well...

Let's just say I'm afraid that she might try to... give Rui a well-meaning nudge. I thought I was being subtle, but the proprietress is all-knowing, as they say. I told her without naming Rui that he was just a friend and that I just wanted to have a good birthday dinner with good company, but she wasn't convinced, to say the least. She assured me that she'll support me in whatever way she can, and all I could do was thank her for the kind gesture.

I'm still afraid that she might give away too many hints that may make Rui uncomfortable. He's sharp, and I doubt it takes much for him to put two and two together.

The proprietress has an uncanny ability to play by ear no matter the situation she's put in, so maybe things will be fine in the end. But still, I cannot help but worry.

Chapter Text

I threw the question at Rui. Unfortunately, I might have mistimed it. I'd decided to ask him while we were having lunch and he choked on his (plain) broth.

I told him that I wanted him to go out during his off hours whenever he could now that he's stuck in the day attending to the chicks until they grow up and thankfully, he looked somewhat convinced by my excuse. He was confused why I would want to spend time with him on my birthday, but he said he'll consider it.

The chicks are starting to warm up to me, I think. They no longer hide behind Rui when I'm eating with him. I'm also starting to warm up to them. Just a little.

Chapter Text

Today is a very good day.

I overheard Rui talking to the chicks right as I was about to knock on his door to announce my presence. The idea of him confiding his worries in the little birds melted my heart. He seemed to be concerned about something, but he either never continued after saying 'should I' or he whispered too softly for me to hear after that, so I never found out what he was talking about. I don't think he'd be very happy to know that I was eavesdropping.

While I was setting our food down, he said he was 'okay' with dinner on my birthday as long as I waited for the chicks to sleep first before leaving. I almost dropped our eating utensils when I heard that.

Today is Saki's birthday, and she must be at home at this moment, feasting on the most delicious foods and cookies whipped up by mom.

The day went by in a flash. My head was in the clouds and I barely recall what I did today.

But my heart was light, and it was singing.

Chapter Text

I've been spending a lot more time in Rui's room than I'd thought.

The realisation only hit me just now, after I'd left his room at the end of the work day. At some point, instead of just checking in on him once every few hours in the day to collect his reports or to seek his advice, I'd made myself at home at his desk, doing my own work for hours on end, while Rui went back and forth his own work and the chicks on the floor. Whenever I returned from an exercise or meeting, I would drop by my office to pick up the new papers on my desk and bring them to Rui's room to work on. I remember bringing some of my work to his room before heading down to pick up our lunches today, and I don't think I returned to my office until now to pick up this diary.

How did this happen? When did this change occur?

I've never said anything about switching to working in his room while the chicks were growing up. In fact, it's even stranger to know that Rui opted to work on the floor instead of rightfully asking me to get out for days now even though I'm supposed to be working in my office.

I guess it was just that much more convenient for the both of us? It's easier for us to consult each other when we were within arm's reach, especially since Rui wasn't leaving his room unless absolutely necessary.

I don't know how to feel about this.

Chapter Text

When I dropped by in the morning, the first thing I saw was Rui holding one of the chicks in his right hand while scribbling the remainder of the report he was in the middle of writing. The chick was pecking at his hand and screeching at the world around it but Rui paid it no mind. He only noticed my presence when I shut the door behind me and startled him.

I asked what was going on, and he said that the chick in his hand (he apparently named it Richard. I don't know if the chick is male or female) was bullying Dahlia (I don't know which one this is) all morning so he had to separate it from the others until it starts to behave. I don't think Richard knows anything about etiquette based on the rather angry look it had on its face, but I'm not the chicken expert in the estate.

While waiting for Rui's report, I sat by the chicken box and watched them peck at the bedding for the grain and seed Rui had scattered for them. It's difficult to tell, but their feathers seem to be developing, and they don't mind my presence as much as they did last week. Rui said that they like getting squished to the floor by hand because it's like how a hen sits on chicks. Apparently. I didn't test it out since I doubt they'd appreciate getting squashed while they're eating. Maybe next time.

Richard was finally free from chicken jail by lunchtime. Rui mentioned while stirring his carrot and onion soup that he needed some tree branches to build a makeshift roost for them as they grow up. The dimensions he sought were quite specific, so I told him it'll take some time for me to pick up something for him. I don't think it'll be too difficult to find tree branches if I checked the forest, but if push comes to shove, I'll ask Emu or Nene for any unwanted tree branches their tribe might have lying around the next time I see them.

Chapter Text

Rui's eyebags are getting worse again. He insisted he was fine, but I'm not convinced. I doubt that he goes out when it's dark, but I have no proof either way. He took a quick nap after lunch before resuming work for the afternoon.

I stayed behind and tried shushing the chicks, but they didn't listen, of course. Still, an attempt was made. They quietened down a little when I scattered some feed for them, however, so I will remember this for next time.

I wonder why Rui chooses to sleep curled up on the hard wooden floors instead of his own bed which is within arm's reach. It can't be comfortable napping like that, can it?

Before going down to put away our dishes, I got his blanket and put it over him in case he was feeling cold. I also gave the chicks extra food, but I hope they finish it up before Rui wakes up. I don't think he'll be very happy to learn that I was overfeeding the chicks.

I wonder

Chapter Text

I found some nice sticks and branches that fit Rui's desired dimensions while on my morning jog. Rui was pleased with what I'd found and uttered a soft thanks before getting straight to work building a makeshift roost after lunch.

Also, I got to squish the chicks today. They were pecking at Rui for his attention and I brought both hands down on them to keep them still so that he could work in peace. They struggled a little beneath my palms before they eventually calmed down and Rui burst out laughing at the sight of me kneeling onto the floor with both hands pressing all four chicks against the floor.

I'm sure I looked as ridiculous as he said, but it didn't matter when I got to hear him laugh with such innocent glee.

I spent the rest of the day attending meetings, unfortunately. But echoes of Rui's laughter lingering in my ears kept me going till sunset.

Yesterday also got me thinking. If Rui was going to sleep on the floor a lot regardless of what I or anyone tell him, then it might be better to at least get him a new blanket that he could use exclusively on the floor. Quite frankly, it's not hygienic in my eyes. But it sounded better than him hauling the dirt and grime from the floor into his bed each time he moves from the floor to his bed with his blanket.

I think I know what to get for Rui's birthday now. There's plenty of time to choose the right gift, so I'll browse the market or ask around for recommendations whenever I'm free.

Chapter Text

Rui asked today where we'll go on my birthday for dinner.

He didn't know the tavern, it seems. He said he hasn't been to many of the taverns and eateries in town, and I named a few of my favourites off my head to see if he'd been to any of them. Out of all of them, he's only eaten at the steakhouse once before. I can't imagine him refusing to eat the vegetables served to him in front of that gentle and lovely madame, honestly. I wonder how he survived that visit.

It's a shame that he hasn't had a chance to enjoy the warm hospitality and meals behind all those doors. I told him that tavern I frequented has both wonderful food and company, and quite possibly the best drinks in town. He wasn't very fond of alcohol, so I told him that he could give one of their craft drinks a try. The owner knows his patrons' favourite flavour profiles better than they do most of the time. Just a verbal description is all it takes for him to craft the perfect drink that will leave one clamouring for seconds.

I floated the idea of taking him out to more places next time if he's ever up for it. Unfortunately, he only said that he'll think about it.

The soft scratching of quill on paper filled the room after that. It was rather unsettling, unlike most other days.

Chapter Text

I woke up earlier than usual and decided to head out for my morning jog when I saw Rui up and talking to the courier who usually delivers mail for the estate. I don't think I've ever seen Rui up this early before. He seemed quite excited and thanked the courier profusely as he took the mail...

He looked like he'd seen a ghost when I called out to him as the courier left. He said that he'd been waiting for a letter to arrive for a while but it only just arrived...

(A thick blob of ink)

I cut my jog short in the end and spent a little longer in the bathroom before getting ready for work.

My stomach is churning, I feel queasy, but I'm not physically unwell.

I think I'll have to think about this a little longer.

The tension in my limbs wouldn't go away.

Chapter Text

I shouldn't have assumed that Rui's social circle was limited to the town. He was born and raised in the capital. He spent more time working in the capital than he has here. He may not be social, but he appreciates the company of others.

Of course he would have friends living outside of town. Anyone would be overjoyed to receive a letter from a dear friend, especially if the post was delayed...

I was happy, as always, to see Rui smile. But that happiness was swallowed up in the next moment by this overwhelming feeling of dread as the realisation that the reason for that joy dawned upon me. His eyebags, his excitement... Whoever he exchanges letters with should must be a good friend of his.

So close they must be, that he would sacrifice his sleep for several days in anticipation of their reply.

Rui told me before not to overthink, but how am I to calm these thoughts?

All I can do is pour them into these pages in the hopes that these waves of emotion will finally be quelled.

Have I been so foolish as to forget that he lives for himself and not for mine?

I hope not. I wish not.

But the pit in my stomach isn't going away.

Chapter Text

I'm back again.

I only went to Rui's room to pick up his reports when necessary this morning. I told him I wanted to focus in my office today and he didn't think too much of it when he said okay.

Hopefully.

For lunch, I told him that I was lagging behind on some work and needed to spend more time reviewing them during our break and left as soon as I set his food down on his desk.

This is the first time we're eating separately since our agreement. The truth is that I only wanted to be alone to ponder more.

I couldn't look his way all morning.

I'm afraid to ask.

Any other day, I would have. But I couldn't. I can't.

My throat clenches up whenever my mind wanders to what I'd seen this morning. It wasn't scandalous, neither was it anything extraordinary.

It's been many hours, yet that scene remains fresh, as if it'd only occurred a moment ago.

I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid of the answer.

So what do I do now?

It's quiet.

I don't want to avoid Rui, but in my current state, I feel unfit to appear before him.

My stomach is still churning. I can't eat anymore.

...I need to bring Rui's utensils down to the kitchen afterwards. I need to steel myself for this. How small I am, to view this as the daunting task it isn't.

Rui asked if everything was alright when I went over. I felt guilty lying through my teeth as I reassured him I was fine.

I can't even tell if he bought it. I couldn't look him in the eye for even a second.

I feel horrible.

Chapter Text

I was reviewing more documents in my room while sipping some lavender tea to keep myself occupied when I heard a knock on my door.

It was Rui.

He was silent for a moment and I accidentally cut him off asking him if something was wrong. He threw the question back at me with a disgruntled expression, saying that I was acting weird all day all of a sudden.

There was too much weighing on my mind, so I just asked him directly if he was really alright with going out tomorrow. It was the number one question that wouldn't go away today.

When Rui frowned upon hearing that, my heart sank. I was about to take it back and tell him that it was fine when I felt a sharp flick to my forehead bringing tears to my eyes.

I was stunned. My mind went blank in that moment.

Rui leaned in and prodded his finger at the sore spot with increasing force each time, chiding me for overthinking things again. He pulled back with a huff and said that he wouldn't have agreed to it if he didn't want to.

All of a sudden, that weight in my heart was gone. The darkness shrouding my mind cleared up.

I was finally able to look Rui in the eye today.

Rui has a tendency to avert his gaze whenever people express their gratitude to him. I'm starting to think that he does it out of embarrassment rather than annoyance.

I told him that I'll stop by his room in the evening tomorrow before we head out and he said it was no issue. He added that chicks kept facing the door and chirping at it while I was gone. Before I could process what that meant, he left.

I wonder if he missed me too. But that's wishful thinking. We see each other almost everyday.

But that's what all the stars in the sky are for. They fill the night sky so that we humans can always make wishes.

My forehead is still stinging. I hope it fades by morn...

I'll ask Rui about his friend tomorrow, perhaps during lunch. Regardless of his answer, I want to be privy to anything Rui was willing to share with me.

Somehow, I feel less antsy and more... excited now.

I reckon it must be close to midnight now. I don't want to squander tomorrow to the sandman, so I'll get ready for bed.

Chapter Text

Upcoming meetings aside, it's been a great morning so far.

I received a few gifts from the soldiers on behalf of their corps.

Gifts from mom, dad, and Saki were sitting on my desk along with some gifts from the townspeople by the time I reported in for work.

The kitchen's madames served up a feast most mouthwatering. I had a plate with a heap of the most delicious acqua pazza I could ask for (nothing beats mom's cooking, of course) in one hand and an assortment of breads, cheeses, and sausages in the other. Finishing it off with what's left of Rui's borscht left me absolutely stuffed.

Almost everyone wished me a happy birthday along the corridors when we crossed paths.

Sitting in Rui's room with him and the chicks somehow became my brief respite from the endless stream of encounters and interactions with people on the estate so far. A turnabout of dramatic proportions from my usual day-to-day routine. The chicks used to be the most noisy part of my day, but today, their shrill chirps are music to my ears.

Just for today.

I need to get ready for this next meeting now. We should be finalising most of the details for our travels in June with this meeting.

I want to make a quick note before I head over to Rui's room.

I asked Rui about his friend during lunch and he said that they were an acquaintance from the capital. Supposedly, one of few persons he keeps in touch with as well. I'm glad that Rui has a friend he cherishes. enough to want to keep

That wording was terrible.

He said that this friend was there for him through thick and thin and that he trusts them, which puts my heart at ease. Somewhat. I told him that I'd love to meet them if the opportunity ever arises, but he only narrowed his eyes at that idea.

I wonder why?

Rui said that the chicks are very cute when they doze off at sundown, so I'll head over now before I miss it.

Chapter Text

Where do I even begin this time?

So much happened tonight that I'm still reeling from it all whenever I recount the memories. I'm no lightweight, if I do say so myself, but I feel so high, so much higher than I actually am, whenever think back on today.

While making our way down to the entrance, I felt like we'd become schoolboys again. It was as if I was sneaking out of the dormitory with my best friends with light in hand to play after curfew all over again, except this time, it was just me and Rui going out to the tavern for a meal. But the secrecy was all the same to me. This felt like a secret only Rui, these pages, and I were privy to. And it made me giddy with elation. The hesitation I felt prior was gone with the shadows behind me. We were mostly talking about what Rui was doing while I was out leading drills and training for the soldiers on the way to the tavern, and we arrived at while Rui was recounting the last chicken squabble he had to resolve a few days back.

The proprietress and the owner greeted us heartily. Some of the patrons who were on what's probably their tenth drink for the night readily greeted me and wished me a good one as well. The proprietress was, well, as keen as I could've expected. I'm tipsy as I'm writing this, but recalling the glint in her eye when our eyes met after I introduced Rui to her is enough to sober me up in this instant. In that moment, it sent chills down my spine. She's beloved by all and is furthest from what one may call a ferocious lady, but I firmly believe that even the bravest, most valiant veterans of the battlefield would cower before her if they knew how uncannily sharp she is. Anyway, I digress.

I did most of the ordering since I was more familiar with the food here. Rui said that he'll just share whatever I picked. We took a bit of time to order a drink for Rui. I was satisfied with the tavern's craft ales and beers, but Rui wasn't very fond of most drinks. He didn't want to go for hard liquors, but the less alcoholic drinks were not to his fancy either. The owner approached us and quizzed him on his preferred flavours for a while. After some back and forth, he nodded curtly and went to his counter to prepare Rui's drink. Rui was a little perturbed by the exchange, but I reassured him that the owner knows what he's doing.

I was worried that Rui was uncomfortable with the place. He always seemed to value peace and quiet no matter if he's at work or not. He didn't deny that he felt a little out of place in the tavern, but he was also surprised that I would enjoy eating at a rowdy place like that. I never really thought about it that way before. I always liked the energy of the tavern and mingling with the patrons after downing a few pints of beer. It was through the tavern that I was able to meet so many townspeople and warm up to the town soon after I moved to the estate. I told him that he didn't need to feel forced to follow suite if he didn't want to. I just wanted to share some of the joy I was blessed to experience with him.

Soon afterwards, the proprietress dropped off her signature pigeon pie and baguette with an assortment of cheeses. Rui was adamantly against putting any of the vegetables in the dishes in his mouth, but I convinced him to give them a try first before dismissing them. He turned the other way with his cheeks puffed like a spoiled child, dissatisfied with my proposition. I cut a small chunk of pie with my fork and checked that it had as little spinach as possible before urging him to take a bite. He eyed me suspiciously before snapping up the small bit of pie, and I couldn't help but laugh as his frown gradually evolved into an amazed look the longer he chewed. It truly felt as if I was feeding a child. And just like a stubborn child, he was determined to find the best possible way to not openly call it delicious when I asked if he liked it. His eyes darted from side to side, and after what looked like an excruciating moment of soul-searching, Rui finally said that it 'wasn't as bad as it looked'. I just laughed it off and moved on to tell him what the different cheeses the proprietress likes to serve are.

The owner eventually came by with Rui's drink. Rui took a sip and his eyes widened as the flavours spread across his tongue. According to the owner, it was like a lemonade with hints of liquor to enrich the flavour. Once again, the owner earned himself a new patron. I was a little worried that Rui was going to black out with how quickly he was gulping his drink down, but he was able to hold himself better than I'd expected. We were both able to return to the estate on our own two feet. I drank a lot more than he did anyway.

The proprietress returned with my favourite gingered pork with potatoes. Ginger has always been a coveted spice that goes for much more than any common man could dream to spend in many months, so I only ever got to eat this thrice in my lifetime. Watching Rui's face scrunch up as the ginger spice stung him in the mouth was also something I could never forget in a lifetime. He was struggling to reconcile with the fact that the ginger which continually spread searing heat throughout his mouth with each bite was the same thing that gave the dish its distinct flavour. It tasted like nothing he'd ever eaten before in a good way, but it was hard to believe the words that came out of his mouth after watching him swallow the pork with tears in his eyes.

I truly appreciated Rui for enduring all this distress just to keep me company tonight.

But the night was short, unfortunately. We had to leave so that we could get sufficiently rested for work tomorrow. As the saying goes, time passes faster when you're having fun. And it was a lot of fun.

I wish I'd left the tavern too drunk to hear the proprietress whisper 'good luck' to me, but alas. Here I am, unable to forget that playful skip in her voice when she craned her neck to my ear.

I was humming on the way back to the manor. It took a while for the alcohol to wear off, so I remember being a little more loose-lipped than usual. It took everything I had to hold my own tongue whenever my brain landed on something... I'd prefer Rui to not know. I asked him if he enjoyed the food a lot, and I remember he was getting annoyed by the end of it with how many times I'd repeated myself. I assured him that I'd be fine by the time we reach the manor, but I didn't catch what he said after that. He was rather quiet on the way back.

After a while, I realised that the footsteps I was hearing only consisted of my own. I turned around and saw that Rui had stopped walking and approached him to ask what's wrong, but he still kept mum. Fearing he hadn't heard me, I called his name and waved my hand in front of his face. A moment later, he sighed and asked why I didn't take offense with him not wishing me a happy birthday or giving any presents today. It threw me for a loop just because I didn't expect the question. Thinking about it now, I think I would be alright either way. A little hurt, maybe, but I'd rather respect the choice he makes. Birthdays are happy occasions with or without a well-meaning birthday wish. And besides, the fact that he was there with me spoke for itself. Rui chides me for overthinking, but to me, it felt like he was the one overthinking this time. After I conveyed that to him, I took Rui's hand in mine and set off with him in tow. The streets were so dark and so deserted at the time. Only our voices filled the air - my careless, carefree laughter, and Rui's frantic demands that I let go. It felt like we were in our own private little wonderland in the few minutes we spent running like that. Even if someone was out at the time, they wouldn't be able to tell for certain that it was us with how dark it was.

Rui's face was flush by the time we reached the entrance. I let go of his hand then and waited for him to catch his breath before thanking him for accompanying me for my selfish request. His eyes met mine for a split second before they found solace in watching the cobbled doorstep. It is always to my dismay that I can never look at those warm honey yellow orbs for more than a brief moment before they look elsewhere. I will always lament this misfortune in my heart.

We were both silent as we walked along the corridor and up the stairs to the floor our rooms were on. It's like the magic of the night had worn off. My legs got heavier the more steps I took. I wished for more time to spend with Rui, I wished I could take him to every eatery in town and try all of their signature dishes. I wished I wasn't so afraid of ruining what we had between us with one slip of my tongue.

I suddenly felt Rui's grip on my sleeve and I didn't know what to do when I turned back. He told me to wait and before I could process what he meant, he retreated into his room. I didn't even know that we were already passing his room. I stared at his ajar door for much longer than any sane person should, wondering what Rui would need at this hour. When he finally emerged into the dim corridor, he did a quick survey of our surroundings to make sure we were alone, I think? Then, he grabbed my arm and pushed something into my open palm. My fingers curled instinctively and he hissed at me to not drop it no matter what.

I was about to bring the thin package up to take a closer look when Rui said happy birthday to me.

My jaw dropped.

By the time I snapped out of my reverie and looked up to him, all I saw was his back as he retreated into his room. He didn't come out again after that. I don't know how long I spent standing in the corridor outside his room, looking between the package he'd handed me and the door over and over until my neck could snap off. I walked back to my room somehow. It was definitely not a conscious decision on my part, that's for sure.

I don't know what time it is now. My eyes are heavy, but they refuse to close. I lit a lamp so that I could see what Rui had gotten for me. I undid the ribbon and tore the paper to reveal a simple, thin, black box. Nestled within, was a beautiful reservoir pen.

I couldn't believe my eyes. I was convinced that this entire day was a dream all along and could only stare at the pen's glistening trim in the dim light. I'd read about these from a newspaper several years ago, but I never thought I would ever get to see or use one of these in my lifetime. Oftentimes, inventions like these were circulated widely within the capital only, and they reached the countryside only if a travelling merchant brings those wares from the capital with them. Even then, they would be exorbitantly priced.

How did he manage to get this without leaving town? More importantly, why me?

The pen came with a small bottle of ink and an eyedropper. I'm not too sure what the eyedropper is for, so I'll have to ask him tomorrow.

I've yet to open the rest of my presents, but this is already a top contender for the best present I've ever received in my life.

When should I start writing with it? Should I even use such a valuable gift in the first place?

Ah, the light is dying out. I haven't even taken my bath yet...

I want to pen more of my thoughts down. I want to record these feelings in these pages...

I'm so happy I could cry. The adrenaline coursing through my body, my audible heartbeat, my breathlessness... I still have so much to say to Rui, too. How could I put my quill down when I'm not done writing yet?

Ah, I wish the night was just a smidgen brighter. I can't be kept at the mercy of my dying oil lamp, not now.

It's such a terrible shame that I have to go to bed with this torrent of emotions still churning within me. How could I stay calm enough to fall asleep if every fibre of my being is bursting to the seams with pure happiness?

Ah, Rui. Why did you spare me nary a moment before you retreated into your room? Even as you bring me happiness, you torture me still.

Chapter Text

After my jog, I opened up all of the gifts I'd received and read all the birthday messages for me and didn't feel like working today. But I can't just do that.

Saki left home and is doing well on her first journey with Ichika, Shiho, and Honami. They've only been gone for a week, but they are managing fine so far. She sewed an adorable dog doll for me which has now taken up residence in my bed. Mom and dad are doing fine at home as well. They sent some medicine with lengthy instructions on when exactly they should be taken and how they should be ingested, which I appreciated dearly.

I received an assortment of stationery from the soldiers. Ink, paper, parchment, ink, ink, ink, and a carved wooden pegasus miniature from Touya...

Speaking of Touya, I need to brief him on how to keep things running in the estate while Rui and I are away. He has a good head on his shoulders, but he needs a little bit of encouragement to persuade him to take up this temporary responsibility.

Most of the townspeople gave me handfuls of freshly baked goods, but when you multiply the handful by over a dozen... There's no way I'm capable of finishing all of them before they perish. I'll share them with anyone who drops by in the coming days.

Nene and Emu dropped by yesterday afternoon with an obsidian knife carved by the both of them. I don't foresee myself needing what looks like a hunting knife anytime soon, but I'll definitely ask them how to use it the next time we meet. The blade curves as it approaches the point, so I can't determine for certain if it's a hunting knife or a ceremonial knife.

Now that I'm able to see Rui's gift clearly, I'm truly in awe of its make. The body is a plain brown, almost black colour with a thin gold trim adorning the nib and the end. I didn't know it was possible to apply such fine lines of metal onto something as small as a pen nib. It's remarkable. But I don't know how to fill it with ink.

I'm so tired, but I can't fall asleep just yet. I'll bring some of the confectioneries with me when I go to Rui's room.

Eating the marzipans to keep myself awake was a mistake. I got sleepier instead and woke up to the chicks pecking and picking at my arm at lunchtime.

I'd brought the reservoir pen with me, thanked Rui for his gift, and asked Rui how it works, but I don't remember much of his explanation here... The fragrance of bread and bacon was how I realised that Rui had gone down to pick up food for the both of us. Apparently, the chicks thought that my unconscious body was ripe for consumption and stopped tailing Rui then to attack me.

A horrifying way to depart for the afterlife, in my opinion.

After eating, I spent most of my lunch break squeezing the chicks in my hands to stay awake while listening to Rui explain how the pen worked. Although he knew the details surrounding its mechanisms, he knew too much about it. I couldn't understand most of the explanations, and he didn't know how to fill the reservoir with ink when I probed. He dug around his shelves for a while for what I initially thought was the maker's instructions, but he let slip that 'they mentioned they'd written a simplified explanation too just in case' and it piqued my curiosity. When I asked him, he froze for a bit before sighing and revealing that he'd asked his friend residing in the capital to make the purchase on his behalf from a reputable shop that specialised in crafting these. The shop doesn't provide written instructions on its care and use, so his friend attached a separate sheet containing the details.

No words could suffice to explain the feeling that welled up in my chest felt upon hearing that and putting the pieces together. I never would have guessed in a million years that he'd make such a steep request just for me. I asked if the letter he'd received two days ago from his friend was actually the gift for me just to get a confirmation for my suspicions, and he groaned and told me not to ask questions I already knew the answer to. He said that it was originally meant to arrive a week in advance to account for delays in the post, but the maker had misinterpreted the order. His friend had to negotiate with the maker to redo the order to the correct design specifications so that it could arrive on time for my birthday, leading to his friend's response arriving in the nick of time.

I hope that we'll have time to meet this friend in the capital when we go there in June so that I can give them my thanks personally for their help behind the scenes. I should ask Rui about this as our departure approaches.

After Rui fished out his friend's letter from a small box sitting on one of the higher shelves, he handed one of its pages to me after giving it a cursory glance. It outlined in great detail how to use the pen and how to keep it in good condition on one side, while the other contained lots of technical and scientific explanations riddled with jargon, complete with accompanying diagrams, which all seemed to be for Rui's eyes only. I read as much of it as I could while he fiddled with the pen to test that everything was in working order.

**As a side note, this friend's penmanship is beautiful. They were also fond of adorning their some of their adjectives with tiny drawings (tiny little four-pointed stars like this ✧ surrounding the word 'sparkly', for instance) which is quite intriguing. They wrote in a very casual voice that made it hard for me to believe that someone as bubbly as them is friends with Rui (sorry, Rui). I wonder how they met.

I was out and about for most of the afternoon and only managed to meet Rui again in the evening. He demonstrated how to fill the reservoir (from the back of the pen!) using the eyedropper and the pen was ready to use. I gave it a try myself and while it needed some getting used to, it glided over the paper smoother than a quill does, and it fit in my hand comfortably. With how often I write and exhaust my quills, this will certainly save me a pretty penny.

I will probably start using this after I exhaust my last set of quills. Last I checked, there was about ten of these.

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Nene and Emu dropped by today, and I couldn't be happier to share the treats I'd gotten for my birthday with them. They were confused to see me in Rui's room initially, but they understood once I explained the entire situation with the chicks.

The chicks took to them rather quickly. They warmed up to them within minutes of interacting, which is a far cry from my own experience. According to Nene, it's because my usual aura(?) is intimidating. How does one rectify that? Rui and Emu agreed with Nene's assessment with little to no hesitation, and it bothers me to know that I gave off such a terrible impression to strangers.

That aside, it was a rather peaceful two hours we spent together in Rui's room before I left for my meeting with the mayor to sort out the final travel arrangements for next month. Emu and Nene helped themselves to their fill of pastries and snacks, Rui was able to talk to someone apart from me and the chicks, and the girls taught me how the obsidian knife they gave me was used. I never knew that such an unusual blade could be used for whittling. I'm no expert at the craft, but I'd love to try given the opportunity.

The meeting took a while to conclude, but we managed to decide on a satisfactory plan at least. The final schedule leaves much to be desired personally, but with our budget and resources, this was the best we could afford. I could've told Rui about it earlier when I went back to his room to pick up a few of the papers I'd left behind by accident, but I couldn't bear to. Nene and Emu were gone by the time I returned, which was also a shame.

In the coming weeks, I'll be busy teaching Touya how to serve as interim head of estate while I'm away. We'd also decided to have his close friend and cohort mate, Akito, accompany us on this trip as Rui's guard, so I'll need to sit him down tomorrow with Rui to keep them in the loop.

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It took a bit of convincing, but I was able to persuade Rui to let Akito into his room after lunch just for the debrief.

I don't think Rui and Akito are on very good terms with each other, but Akito is one of few soldiers who allowed him a chance to prove himself after he was reinstated. He's also reliable in that he gives every task his best shot even when he's working with people he isn't fond of. If I had to entrust Rui's life with someone apart from myself, it'd have to be Akito.

In hindsight, that could use some rephrasing, but I'm no wordsmith.

I hope it goes well.

Thankfully, it did.

Akito was perplexed by the whole chicken situation at first, and Rui curtly told him not to ask. I told him off for being rude and explained that Rui was raising chickens, to Rui's dismay. Akito shrugged it off and said that he'd had his suspicions for a while. He mentioned that rumours have been going around about the chirps coming from Rui's room. He listed off what he'd heard at my urging and they are certainly... something. The ones supposing that Rui adopted birds are understandable. Anyone could see that happening, in my opinion. There have been arguments and bets made on the species as well. Canaries and chickens are popular contenders, but there's a rising faction that swears he's raising kookaburras, which is utterly ridiculous. Kookaburras only exist in storybooks.

Apparently there are some who believe that Rui is capable of summoning birds on command as well...? Surely my training is not so drastic as to batter their brains to mush, is it?

Needless to say, Rui was shocked that his open secret is barely a secret by this point for some reason.

That was enough goofing around for the three of us. I didn't want to take up too much of their time, so I started the debrief once we've settled down by explaining to Akito the details surrounding the King's summons, and his duty for this trip. We will depart on the 23rd of June by stagecoach, and there should be a few stops along the way to switch horses. This should provide us plenty of time to reach the capital. Under ideal circumstances, this means we'll arrive on the 27th. But who knows what delays we may encounter along the way. We will depart the capital on the 2nd of July and return to town the same way. A near two-week journey altogether.

As for our sleeping arrangements, the four of us (including the mayor) will take two rooms, with Akito and Rui sharing one room and the mayor and I sharing another. Akito and I will take turns staying up for nightwatch in 4-hour shifts until sunrise. I'll need to pack some extra snacks or coffee for the first shift...

I couldn't really read their expressions at the end of the brief. They were stone-faced the entire time, which I guess is their usual whenever it came to work affairs. I asked Rui if everything was alright after Akito took his leave and he said yes, but I still feel bad that I couldn't push our departure back to the 25th at least.

It probably wouldn't happen since we might not even arrive at the capital with time to spare, but I mentioned that we could do some sightseeing and maybe meet his friend if we arrive ahead of time. For some reason, Rui glared at me (it was very subtle, but he pursed his lips slightly and there were hints of a scowl forming on his face) and silently went to the incubator which was recently repurposed to keep his chicken supplies and brought out the livefeed for the chicks. He has never done that in my presence before. I jumped out of my skin when he stared at me as he stuck his arm into the box of worms and needed a moment to myself to keep my hands from trembling.

Had I said anything to offend him? I don't understand.

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I was approached by a few soldiers when I went down to pick up our lunches in the cafeteria. It seems like the soldiers badgered Akito relentlessly for info after we met yesterday, because it's difficult for me to believe that he would be so loose-lipped. They asked if it was true that Rui was keeping chickens and I blurted out that they didn't need to ask if they already knew the answer. They whined in despair upon hearing that and returned to their table with their heads hung low. I guess they were among the ones who bet on Rui keeping canaries. Or kookaburras.

I told Rui about what happened and he told me to stop making his day worse while he lifelessly stirred his asparagus soup.

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While soaking in the bath, it suddenly came to me that the chicks will need a sitter to care for them while we are out of town next month.

When I brought this up to Rui, he froze in the middle of shovelling a slice of herring to his mouth. I suggested letting the soldiers feed and change their water during our absence. From what little I know, they seemed quite interested in their wellbeing, so it wasn't too preposterous of an idea to me. Rui sighed and said he'll give it some thought over the next few days. With how rapidly they are growing up, he might no longer need to worry about them getting trampled and let them roam about in the backyard very soon. It all depends on how big they get in the coming weeks.

That means I'll lose my excuse to spend more time with him soon. I'll try to savour every mundane moment in the remaining days till then.

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There's an artisans' fair due to be held in a week that may have something I could get for Rui's birthday. I also need to come up with an excuse to skip the firefly festival in the week after that...

One of the chicks likes to stand at the tip of my boot while I'm seated at Rui's desk. Sometimes I forget that it's down there until I get up and hear a shrill cry from my feet scolding me for not staying still. Rui said that it likes shoes and sometimes falls asleep inside one of his leather shoes. I wonder how he reacted when he first found it in there.

Also, Touya will be shadowing me as I work tomorrow, and then for the whole of next week. I'll let him take the reins for a week some time after that and observe his performance with Rui to make sure he's gotten the hang of it. I won't be able to spend too much time in Rui's room then, so I was quite reluctant to leave in the evening today. Rui had a blase reaction when I lamented the fact (under the guise that I wanted to spend more times with the chicks) and pointed out that I was supposed to work in my office which was curated specially by myself for myself instead of invading his space so often.

I guess he's right. But a tiny part of me wanted to ask him why he didn't ever chase me out of his room so far if he thought that way.

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Today was quite a long day. I filled Touya in on what a day is like for me, and then explained some specifics surrounding drills and visitors. Aside from cancelling outdoor drills and training when it's raining, I told him that there wasn't a need for him to practise new strategies and formations while we were away. I'll sort out the training regimen in advance so that he doesn't need to worry about that. I'll show him where I keep my supplies in my office next week.

I didn't get to see Rui much today since I'd retrieved his reports for the day before Touya reported in. Rui seems to be gathering materials for building a coop for the chickens. He said that he should be able to finish constructing it before the cold seasons set in.

Is there a rule on keeping pets on the compound? I don't recall there being one, and no one seems to be questioning it, so it should be fine, right? I think I'll ask the mayor the next time I see him.

Chapter Text

The dastardly cicadas were screeching endlessly all day today. Unbelievable. I'm certain that they've emerged earlier than they did last year.

Even with the windows closed, I could still hear their piercing cries clear as day. I asked Rui if it was okay to borrow one of the chicks for exterminating bugs in the manor and he considered it for a moment before rejecting the proposition. He didn't fold even after I tried to convince him that doing so could enrich their diets and help them grow up healthy. Some of the soldiers spoke of centipede sightings in the storeroom on the first floor so it could have been a real help, but alas...

I need to keep the windows closed in my room before one of the dreadful abominations fly in.

Chapter Text

Rui overslept this morning.

When I dropped by, his curtains were still shut and he was sprawled on the floor with the chicks huddled up close to him. It was such an endearing sight that I couldn't bear to rouse them from their slumber. I shut the door behind me as quietly as I could and returned to my office to work instead.

When I returned to his room with lunch, Rui asked why I didn't stop by in the morning for the reports and for a moment, I hesitated to tell him the truth. He was definitely not going to be pleased, but who else could I share this with? So I told him.

He was distraught, to say the least.

He interrogated me, asking why I didn't wake him up if I knew he'd overslept, and I just said that it didn't feel right to disturb him or the chicks.

His face was glowing red, but it was definitely not from the spiced prawns he was eating.

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Rui had some bechamel stuck near the corner of his lip while he was munching on his croissant. I reached out and wiped it off for him since he was preoccupied with keeping the chicks from stealing his food at the time.

I think my actions startled him, though. He jumped and nearly dropped his plate when my thumb landed on his cheek. I apologised quickly while showing him the bit of sauce on my thumb to explain myself. He pursed his lips and eyed me and my hand suspiciously for a moment before looking away and telling me in a mumble to say something before doing that next time. I assured him that I will. I didn't have my handkerchief with me at the time, so I licked the bechamel off my thumb before returning to my lunch.

Also, one of the kitchen's madames kindly recommended a quilter north of town who might be able to make a good quilt to order. I'll head over to her residence tomorrow morning before work to see if I could place an order for a quilt or two for Rui. Ideally, I'd like to have one thicker blanket that Rui could use during the colder months at least.

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I headed over to the quilter's residence today to discuss making a fine quilt and she showed me some of her sample works - quilts that her family uses presently. They were of incredible quality and I have no doubt that her husband and children are proud of her for being so talented at her craft. The materials she used were soft to the touch and perfect for what the quilts were used for. Her children must sleep soundly under such comfortable quilts at night. I think I'll place an order for mom and dad next time if they'd like.

The quilter was very kind and listened to my requests pertaining to size and material patiently, and I'm eternally grateful to her for that. I ended up placing an order for two blankets: one slightly thicker quilt to be filled with wool, and a thinner one made with softer threads that Rui could lie on if he sleeps on the floor. She said that they will be ready in three weeks by the 21st of June, so there wasn't much time to spare for adjustments before we depart for the capital. All I can do now is place my trust in her.

Should I get something from tomorrow's artisans' fair as a backup gift just in case? I'd like to have something on hand that I can hand to Rui the day of his birthday, so if the quilts get delayed, I'll just have nothing...

I'll see what's available tomorrow and decide.

The cicadas today were as deafening as they could be. I asked Rui again if it was really not possible to borrow the chicks for bug extermination and he said that he can't just let the chicks roam all over the manor and be a nuisance to everyone.

He had a point, but it's a shame. I really don't want to have to clear the cicada corpses on my own if they perish in the manor again this year, or worse, attempt to clear a cicada corpse only to discover that it's still alive.

Chapter Text

I taught Touya how to allocate patrol and survey duties to the soldiers and some tips that may help in his decision-making. He's one of the younger soldiers in town and he was hesitant about ordering the older soldiers around, but I assured him that it will all be fine. That being said, words are just words. I'll have to watch over him carefully when he takes charge soon.

I don't want to overwhelm him by teaching him everything he needed to know today, but it's only in times like these when I realise how much I'm doing to keep things running. I'm keeping up to date with happenings in town, in the manor, in the forest, and among my own soldiers. At the pace I went today, a week might not suffice to show him the ropes. I'll probably take a few extra hours out of my evening to go over things in detail.

Anyway, I went to the artisans' fair today and took a look at the many handicrafts on sale. There were some miniatures that looked like great decor, but Rui hardly ever works at his desk, so they might not see much use, if ever.

Speaking of which, I wonder what happened to the snowglobe I gave to him some months ago? I should ask him next time.

There was a peddler who set up shop for the day selling books from various counties she'd visited on her travels. There was a wide variety of books, ranging from storybooks for children to memoirs of great people who passed centuries prior. There was a number of books covering recent scientific discoveries made around the world, too. I can't say for certain if the books were factual or not, but they all seemed to make a good gift for Rui.

The peddler said that she hails from a town far away, outside of this kingdom's borders. She'd spent the past few days in town and enjoyed her time here, but will depart for her next destination tomorrow at dawn. With that in mind, I decided to purchase the astronomy book about stars and planets. If the blankets are complete on time and Rui wasn't interested in the book, I could just keep it for myself. It was filled with complicated formulas and jargon I couldn't understand, but those were the exact types of content that Rui would enjoy.

Chapter Text

It is now June, and the sun is getting unbearably warm. The humidity is also horrid. I'll need to remind the soldiers on patrol today too to hydrate themselves lest they collapse outside.

That aside, Rui was a little strange today during lunch.

He mentioned that his friend from the capital was open to a meetup if we do arrive ahead of the vote, which was great news. I mentioned that we could have some tea with his friend at a place of their choice and a long bout of silence followed after that, punctuated only by our, or rather, my chewing. I could feel Rui's piercing gaze on me as I ate. It was as if he was monitoring my reaction, but for what?

I asked Rui what his friend liked so that I could get a small gift for them, and he asked why I needed to know that in return. Even after I explained myself, Rui's frown didn't go away, and he didn't respond either. I don't know why he was so distrustful of my words. Have I ever proven myself unworthy of his trust? Another long bout of silence later, Rui said that they'll be happy with whatever I got, and there was no need to know so much about someone I won't see again after we depart from the capital.

I guess he's not wrong, but he was noticeably snappier than usual. I have to wonder, why? His response and his adamant refusal to tell me his friend's preferences felt off to me. Before I could ask, he handed me his empty bowl and plate and said that it's almost time for me to find Touya. He turned his attention to the chicks and our conversation was over. I couldn't help but sigh as I headed out.

I wonder what their relationship is like. They must be close if Rui is this protective of them. I'll probably get a miniature from the summer fair for them if he really doesn't want to tell me.

Chapter Text

I spent most of the day teaching Touya about the reports that need to be written and I'm quite exhausted now.

I think Rui was able to sense that even at noon. He was silent for most of lunch and I fell asleep at some point after eating. It was a peaceful slumber.

That is, until I felt a sharp peck on my cheek.

When I stirred awake, the first thing I saw as I blinked the sleep away was Rui holding one of the chicks with both hands at me, doubling over with laughter.

I don't know if it was the fatigue, but in that moment it felt like a spell had been cast on me. I couldn't move, I couldn't look away, I couldn't hear anything else. I barely dodged the next nip that came my way when he shoved the chicken towards me and asked if I'm awake.

If I'd reached out and given him a kiss... No, it would torch our relationship to the earth. It's a shame that I couldn't. I wish time wasn't so cruel as to march forward relentlessly, not even caring to spare the extra few minutes I so wanted to bask in that moment for a little longer.

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I met the mayor today and he clarified that I can make the rules for the manor as I see fit. In fact, he was surprised that I'd not establish any house rules on pets. I don't really mind as long as they don't interfere with the laundry and training outdoors, which Rui said he'll work on, so I guess that's one thing sorted...?

Watching Rui carefully examine each chick to make sure they're in tip-top condition reminded me how time truly flies. I actually miss when the chicks were small enough to fit in my palm. It felt like it was only yesterday that they were all tiny little balls of yellow fluff. Now, half their down has been shed for their adult feathers, and they are wearing the diapers Rui and Emu made in April.

They really do poop a lot.

On the brighter side, now that a sizeable portion of their adult feathers are developing, I can recognise which chicken is which with some help from Rui.

Richard, who is still trying to establish himself as the leader of the pack against Rui's reprimands, is developing brown feathers. He's the angriest of the lot and pecks at anything that moves when he's awake. The most common prisoner in chicken jail.

Meanwhile, Dahlia is the plumpest of the lot with a nice mottled plumage setting in. She enjoys being carried and perching on high surfaces, but she also gets bullied by Richard the most.

Layton has brown feathers like Richard but the main difference is that he doesn't behave like a demon and loves footwear. Although, he might be a little obsessed. Apparently, he has been tipping Rui's shoes over so that he can lay down and shove his head into one of them, so Rui is trying to find a discarded shoe on the street to keep him off of his shoes.

Pickles has white feathers and is a food hoarder who attacks the others whenever they get too close to the food near her while she's eating. The second most common prisoner in chicken jail.

Rui is starting to leave planks and other materials in the corner of the backyard as he gets ready to build a coop for the chickens. I found it strange that he didn't bother asking if it's okay to set it up here. He said that there was no rule banning pets when he first arrived, which isn't wrong, but I wasn't counting on anyone to remember details from years ago to back themselves up. I guess it saves me the trouble of giving the okay myself.

In a week or two, Rui's office will be clean (...maybe) and void of chickens. The thought of that now suddenly feels... lonely. I guess this was what mom and dad felt when I and Saki left home on our separate journeys.

I wonder if Rui feels the same.

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In the morning before I went to my office to get ready for work, Rui approached me to ask if I was attending tomorrow's firefly festival. I said no, citing my open disdain for bugs of all types. While I certainly understand the appeal of seeing floating lights in the dark, knowing that they are the work of bugs made them hard for me to appreciate up close.

Then, he brought up that the small hill to the north which overlooks the town is a good vantage point from which the fireflies can be seen from far away. He said that the hill rarely sees any foot traffic since it gets very dark at night and most people prefer to wait around the areas where most fireflies appear: the forest creeks and the thin stream that splits the southernmost tip of town from the rest. We've never been that far south before, I think. I wasn't too sure if Rui was telling the truth or not, but he said that looking at the lights from afar might be more palatable than seeing them up close for me. He offered to take me there to take a look for myself. He also said that if I really didn't like it, I could leave anytime I wanted and he'll escort me back to the estate as an apology. When I asked how he knew so much about the hill's view, he explained that he'd watched the fireflies on his own over there last year and was somewhat familiar with the route.

A part of me was eager to take him up on the offer. It wasn't because I wanted to watch the fireflies, but because it meant I could spend time with Rui alone with no one else possibly prying. It was as intimate as it could be without us actually being romantically involved. So, against the protests flaring up in the rational side of my gut, I agreed to accompany him tomorrow night for firefly viewing. Rui himself was shocked that I'd accepted his invitation, asking if I was really sure about it. I confessed that I wasn't sure if I'll enjoy it, but I wanted to trust him when he said it might be a more bearable way of seeing them. And so, that's that. We'll meet up after dinner before leaving.

I've never actually gone out for the firefly festival before. Maybe this time, it will really be different. Maybe it'll become an unexpectedly good memory that I'll treasure. I'll need to swap guard duty with someone else tomorrow. It's time for bed now.

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I felt bad asking Touya if he could take over guard duty for me tonight. He was surprised that I wanted to go out to look at fireflies despite my fear of bugs, but that surprise changed to joy once I told him that I wanted to give it a try by looking at them from a distance. He assured me that the insects themselves can't be seen at night no matter how hard I squint and hoped that I'll enjoy my first firefly viewing. He's such a good lad. I owe him lots for allowing me to indulge in this petty delusion of mine.

I have a feeling that Rui will not eat a proper dinner later, so I'll make sure to pick up a sandwich from the cafeteria before we meet up.

It was a better time than I expected, truthfully speaking. However, I don't think we ended this night on a good note and there's no one to blame but myself.

As I thought, Rui forewent dinner because he got too engrossed with putting up the fencing for the chickens. He was partway done when I called out to him, and I don't think he was going to stop until he couldn't see his hands in front of him. I waited for him as he returned to his room to put away his equipment and we were ready to go once he re-emerged.

Rui led the way uphill with a small lamp in hand. All around us was the sound of crickets chirping, and true to his word, there was no trodden path to be seen ahead of us. It was a little unnerving, honestly. Every once in a while, a shadow - possibly that of a cricket or some other hopper, would flit across the light and I would flinch at the sight. Rui didn't so much as react to them. Would I have done the same if I didn't have a fear of bugs? Still, I can't deny that I was walking a little close to him to feel a smidgen safer.

I hope he didn't notice.

He mentioned that he'll try to spend more of his free time constructing the coop. Now that the chicks are a lot bigger and less clingy than before (not by much, in my opinion), he wants to try getting out after eating during lunch to work on it, and offered to help me clean up my cutlery if I'd look after the chicks at least until the end of lunch. It was fine by me, but I also jokingly asked if he wasn't going to consider spending his last remaining favour to get me to do it. The crunching of grass beneath our steps went uninterrupted for a moment before he replied, saying that it still balances out against our earlier agreement's other terms, so it doesn't count as an extra favour. I don't know if he seriously thought about it, or if he was just bending the rules however he wished, but it didn't matter to me, so I just hummed in acknowledgement and let it be.

Eventually, as we approached the top, I saw it. Beneath the twinkling stars, the southernmost part of town was enveloped in a gentle yellow glow. If I looked carefully, I could see how each speck of light moved independently of each other. The faint yellow glow filtering out from beneath the canopy of the forest also betrayed the fireflies' presence there. While I was taking in the mesmerising sight, Rui spread a thin blanket on the grass for us to sit on.

I retrieved two sandwiches - one for myself and one for Rui, from my satchel and we ate in silence with the lamp between us while admiring the view. Peeking at Rui to see his reaction was a little pointless since it was too dark for me to make out anything even with the lamp, but I did anyway. Being able to see such a beautiful scenery with my own two eyes knowing that he was right there by my side kept my heart full.

The view was breathtaking and I wish I'd known about this earlier. It felt like I was watching two skies' worth of stars at once. Rui didn't really understand the constellation shapes and commented that they were too abstract for him to associate with their names. He was more the type to keep up with scientific publications in astronomy, and only really knew the North Star and the Milky Way. I ended up getting carried away pointing out constellations and teaching Rui how to recognise them. Libra, Virgo, Ursa Major, and Ursa Minor. Those were all we managed to go over tonight.

When was the last time I gazed at the stars like this? It's been far too long.

Rui asked if I'd preferred a telescope for a birthday gift. I don't think I would ever give up his reservoir pen for anything else in the world. I told him as much and added that I prefer stargazing under the sky and just admiring whatever is visible that night over looking at them up close with a telescope.

From that point onward, everything went downhill. A shadow flickered across the lamp and I made the biggest mistake of the night by looking down in curiosity. By my hand, was a monstrous bug the size of a cigar crawling towards me with a steady and deliberate steps. I jumped back and yelped, and I think I startled Rui as I did. My fingers are shaking now at the memory. The bug flew and I zipped over to Rui's side in an effort to hide from it. After that, I was getting startled by every other shadow I saw in the corner of my eye and flinching at even the slightest gust of wind caressing my skin under the belief that it was another bug landing on my arm.

I don't know how long I spent panicking. I was reacting purely on fear and instinct in that moment. The next time I opened my eyes was when Rui assured me that the bugs in the vicinity are gone.

That's how I realised I was in Rui's arms.

My hands were stuck in a vice grip on Rui's shirt. I couldn't peel myself away from him. My heart was pounding in my ears, but a part of me was convinced that the rapid heartbeat I heard was coming from Rui instead. I'd finally pried myself from him by the time that thought flashed across my mind. I couldn't stop apologising to him. He said it was fine, but seeing him shrink away as he said so sent my brain in a frenzy. I ended up suggesting we head back to the estate because all I could think of was how to prevent this night from getting any worse. Rui didn't object, and my heart sank.

Was cutting the trip short really the best I could come up with at the time? How I loathe this careless tongue of mine for not sparing me a moment to think!

After we packed our belongings up, Rui extended a hand out and said that I could hold his hand if it'd help assuage some of my fears as we made our way downhill. I was too ashamed to say anything. I can only hope that my gratitude came across when I took his hand in mine. We were silent as we made our way back. I wish we could've carried on like that, connected by our hands all the way back to our floor. But Rui needed to put the blanket away in the storeroom, so we parted on the first floor instead.

Even after recounting the events of the night, I still can't help but feel that I was the reason this outing was ruined. It was all going as well as it could until fear overcame me and invaded Rui's personal boundaries. I'm afraid to see Rui tomorrow. What if he no longer feels comfortable working with me or even just being around me? I wish I could turn back time and redo this night all over again, but that's just impossible.

Chapter Text

After I returned from my jog, I bumped into Rui on the way out to work in the backyard. He looked a little fatigued so I asked if things were alright. He said that he stayed up late to look for his astronomy books to give himself a refresher on the topic and that he was completely fine. He added that he wanted to apologise for making me uncomfortable last night when he should've known how afraid I was of insects.

I think he was going to say that he'll never do something like this again, but I cut him off mid-sentence and told him that I agreed to accompany him knowing full well what was to be expected. I didn't want him to feel remorseful for his actions when he did no wrong. It wasn't a completely unpleasant experience either, and all the unpleasant parts were my doing anyway. His expression when he heard that was... a little concerning. The corners of his lips perked up, but they didn't reach his eyes. It looked forced, but not entirely. He eventually said he'll see me at lunch and walked off.

I could feel the urge to call out to him, but even if I did, what would I say? I watched his retreating back until he turned to go down the stairs with this feeling gnawing at my heart.

We didn't spend very much time together   at lunch today, but Rui seemed normal compared to this morning. Dahlia was following him closely when he walked towards the door, so I had to carry her to let him leave in peace to work on the coop. She was docile enough to not struggle in my grasp, but she looked at me in confusion after I lifted her off the floor, which made us laugh. I spent the remainder of lunch watching the other chicks go about their chicken-y business while Dahlia made herself comfortable on my leg.

Chapter Text

I think I understand why Rui is quick with his lunch nowadays. In hindsight, I should've known since I've witnessed how he and the chickens interact for over a month, but it all fell into place only just now.

I was catching up on this week's newspaper while eating earlier and wasn't making much progress on my food. Rui urged me to eat faster so that he could return our cutlery to the kitchen, but I told him I could return mine on my own later. He asked if I was sure I wanted to wait, and I assured him that it's fine.

As if on cue, the chickens began pecking at me and trying to steal the remaining food on my plate as soon as Rui shut the door behind him. Rui was always the slower eater but thinking back, his eating speed has really gone up in recent weeks and we finish our food (barring vegetables for Rui) at around the same time now.

The hungry wrath of chickens is not to be underestimated. I learnt the hard way and will never commit such a foolish blunder again.

Pickles swiped the last chunk of broiled chicken from my plate and I fear she might enjoy the taste of chicken.

Chapter Text

There is a faint lavender scent in Rui's room today.

I asked if he's been drinking lavender tea recently, and he awkwardly averted his gaze while replying that he did. Something felt off, but I couldn't tell why exactly. I told him to let me know anytime if there's anything I can help him with. Losing sleep does no one any good, after all. He said it was fine, but thanked me for the concern at least.

Starting tomorrow, I will take a step back and allow Touya to try managing the estate on his own for a week. It's hard to believe that we will depart for the capital in less than two weeks. I'll need to let Emu and Nene know the next time they drop by. It would be rude of me not to when I have plenty of time to inform them.

Speaking of Emu and Nene, would it be a good idea to ask if they could care for the chickens while we are away? I should ask Rui tomorrow.

Chapter Text

I told Rui about my idea for the chickens while we were away. He was a little hesitant, but he understood where I was coming from considering his progress on the coop. He was done with the fencing but the coop itself wasn't going to be done anytime soon unless he took the rest of the week off, or a miracle happened. He was reluctant to hand them off to someone else, but I don't think we have the luxury of choice here. I don't really want to add more to Touya's plate if I can, and I don't even know if any of the staff here can provide the care they require.

I'm not too certain on the specifics, but I'm pretty sure that Emu and Nene's tribe domesticated a few species of forest fauna as livestock, so I think they can handle a few extra chickens amongst their ranks. We'll try looking for them over the next few days to discuss this matter.

Chapter Text

Rui informed me that his friend mentioned that they were looking forward to seeing me in their last letter to him in a rather disdainful tone during lunch. I confronted him on his blatant outbursts of displeasure over the idea of his friend and I meeting in person but he denied it with a huff, and something about his reaction crossed the line for me.

I think it was the frustration. It was the fact that it felt like I was trying to reason with a child. No, it was more than that. It felt like I was at his mercy for no apparent reason. I raised my voice and told him that I was never going to understand his feelings if he didn't explain why he was reacting like a spoiled brat each time the topic of his friend came up. He slammed his plate down and glared at me upon hearing that. He spat at me, saying that I wouldn't understand, and stormed out of the room. I couldn't bear to stay seething with anger in his room either, so I stomped back to my office soon after, lunch be damned.

I really don't get why we are mad at each other over something as trivial as this.

Putting my frustrations to paper really helped calm me down and now I feel awful for snapping at Rui like that. I'm no different from a child if I let the heat of the moment consume me so easily.

I took a peek at the backyard but saw no sign of Rui. I thought he would've been busy working on the coop, but it seems like I was wrong. I want to talk it out with him and make amends, but I don't even know if he will allow me the chance to do so. And if so, we won't get anywhere with this. I can't understand what I don't know. If that friend is more than just a friend... he could just say so.

There's only a few minutes to spare before break ends. I can't dwell on this any longer, but my heart refuses to listen. I need to pick up our dishes and return them to the kitchen. I'm sure the chickens have picked them clean by now.

I really am a petty child.

While I was observing Touya in my office, I heard a series of frantic knocks coming from the window. That could only mean two people, and sure enough, it was Emu. She looked distressed, so I quickly let her in while explaining to a surprised Touya who she was. She hunched over for a while to catch her breath before she shot up with a gasp as if she had an epiphany come to her. She proceeded to frantically explain that she and Nene saw Rui angrily leaving the estate while on their way here and that Nene went after him. Touya was surprised to hear this news too, of course. They asked if anything was wrong with such heartwrenching concern on their faces that I spilled the beans to them out of guilt barring the details.

While explaining my perspective, I stopped short of taking the blame for this fight. It still didn't make sense for me at this stage to take the fall for what Rui instigated. They urged me to find him and talk it out in the off chance that he's feeling the same and unwilling to approach me. But I couldn't. While a part of me wanted to find him right away, another part of me didn't want to be the first to fold and essentially admit defeat.

Touya assured me that he can handle things for today and told me to go, but I didn't look for Rui in the end. I took a walk in the forest to blow off the steam and returned in the evening. Touya left his report for the day on my desk and I picked it up along with my diary and returned to my room. I didn't see Rui on the way back. I have all the power in the world to go to his room to see if he's in, but there is a voice inside me that refuses to give in.

Oh, what a pathetic child I am.

Have I never matured as a man from the boy I was so many years ago? Am I so incapable of acting with grace towards my most trusted advisor all over an argument drawn out far longer than it should have?

But this is different. This is unlike our other disagreements over official matters. We know how to concede then. This is an argument between Rui and Tsukasa, not an advisor and an officer. Perhaps it is the personal feelings we each injected into this that made it so different. Maybe Emu was right, and the reason we are in a stalemate now is because we are behaving like petty schoolboys towards each other, unwilling to be the first to declare a truce.

It's so foolish. I'm a fool for not realising earlier. How can I sleep tonight with this storm hanging over me? I have to give up this foolish charade and talk to him now.

Chapter Text

I didn't expect to see a startled Rui to be on the other side of the door when I swung it open. He jerked back while I was regaining my composure      and we spent some time awkwardly avoiding eye contact and waiting for the other to      speak. After what felt like an ex cruciatin gl y   long while, Rui finally spoke.  It was the uncertainty in his voice that gave me the hope I needed to believe that we can overcome this hicc up in our relationship.

How long did we talk for?     The sun had set long before Rui  told me to go back to my room and sleep .

We sat in the corridor, leaning  against the wall right outside my room before we    started talking things out. Rui began with his apology. He  was carefu l with his choice of words. as he spoke. I didn't need any to know how anxious he was feeling at the moment. He said that he didn't like how   I was nothing but excited each time his friend was brought up between us. It felt as if I was dismissive of  his part in procuring the reservoir pen for my birthday. When I asked why he felt that way, he fell silent. With a sigh ,   he lowered his gaze and said that he couldn't explain it now. He said that he gets how unsatisfactory of an answer it was, but promised to tell me everything when he felt ready to.

And I promised to wait till that day comes.

A mela ncholic smile grew on Rui's lips when I said that, but I could tell that    he appreciated my answer. He also apologised for not disclosing his friend's likes back when I asked     for the same reaso  n, and wanted to   help me with choosing th eir gift if I was still op- (the ink trails off and the rest of the page is covered with smudged ink)

Chapter Text

I woke up bleary-eyed to Dahlia pecking at my head. The next thing I heard while I dragged myself upright was an annoyed sigh and I saw Rui standing on the other side of my desk shaking his head with clear disappointment. He urged me to hurry and get ready for work but I think my brain couldn't catch up with what was going on then, because I only responded by asking why he was here instead of getting up. Rui sighed very loudly at that. The fog in my head cleared up instantly when he revealed that Touya was looking after the other chicks in his room. He had to request him to keep watch over them while he looked for me.

I scrambled to the bathroom and saw for myself how hideous I looked in the mirror with ink all over both my sleeve and face. I could wash it off my face easily, but the stains on my shirt sleeve are going to need a long, hard scrub to get out. I am definitely not looking forward to that.

As soon as I got back, Rui asked if I was available tomorrow evening after work to browse for a good gift for his friend. I gave him my okay and he immediately picked Dahlia up and headed to his room. I could only stare blankly as Rui passed me until I realised I had to follow him so that I could catch up with Touya on what was done so far.

To our amazement, Touya had somehow tamed Richard in the short time Rui was out. He insisted that it was nothing special and explained that he was just familiar with chicken behaviour from helping out his neighbour in his childhood, but it was a feat in my books nonetheless. Rui and I debated for a moment if we should let Touya handle the chicks while we were away instead of enlisting Nene and Emu's help, but we ultimately decided not to. Suddenly being tasked with a new taxing responsibility on such short notice would place immense unneeded pressure on Touya. The other reason that kept us from changing our minds was the fact that the chicks were old enough to appreciate having a larger outdoor space to explore instead of being confined to Rui's room for an extra week or two.

I somehow survived the rest of the day despite the atrocious start to my morning. I'm still a little drowsy, so I'll go to bed earlier to make up for last night's pitiful sleep quality.

Chapter Text

I bumped into Emu this morning and managed to bring up handing the chickens off to her tribe while me and Rui are away (from next week! Time passes too fast).

She said that it should be fine, but she will discuss with the elders first and let me know of the final verdict. I recall there's one elder who is staunchly against interacting with Rui in any way, but I'm not too clear on the details. Rui never brings it up even at my prodding, and Emu and Nene usually brush off my concerns by saying they worked it out in the end. All I can do is take them at their word, I suppose.

I just got back from my shopping trip with Rui. He told me all about his friend as we headed out. This friend, Mizuki, is a dressmaker in the capital who went to the same university he did. They were already an up-and-coming dressmaker by then, so they eventually quit university to dedicate all of their time towards their passion. Their designs and clothes are very popular among those who enjoy dressing up, regardless of status. I might consider taking a look at their collection for Saki if we find the time to.

Anyway, Mizuki apparently likes 'anything cute, even better if it has ribbons' according to Rui. It was difficult for me to gauge what exactly counted as that, especially since Rui was vetting each and every item I picked up to examine. He was quite harsh, too. It wasn't frilly enough, it was too frilly, there's too much lace, there's not enough lace... I've heard it all. By the time I found the maroon hair ribbon that passed Rui's strict criteria, the streets were dark and we were starving. We stopped at a nearby coffeehouse for dinner. The potato soup was good. Rui was pleased with his frikadellen, mostly because I was eating the greens he refused to touch. All in all, a fine meal.

I hope Mizuki likes the hair ribbon I got. It is attached to... how do I describe this? There is an incredibly fine piece cloth under it that was trimmed to elaborate patterns. I don't really understand what this is, except that it makes the ribbon look cuter. I'll wrap it in the coming days.

I couldn't help but smile as I turned back to watch Rui go into his room. Things really feel like they've gone back to normal between us.

Chapter Text

I just remembered that Rui was the one who came by on the 15th to wake me up.

Did he see what I was writing? I hope he didn't. Should I ask him? Maybe it's better if I don't.

If he did read it... I hope he doesn't think of me as a creep...

I took a peek at Rui in the backyard from the corridor window on my way to the bathroom during our break. He had his hair tied up so that it doesn't get in the way as he worked. He mentioned before that he was mostly working on installing the necessary fixtures for the coop like the heater and thermometer for now. Every once in a while, he would wipe the sweat off his face with the back of his palm. The weather today was fine so I'm not too worried, but I hope he keeps himself hydrated whenever he works under the sun on other days.

Chapter Text

Emu climbed into Rui's room via his window to let us know that she could keep the chickens while we were away. I've become numb to the way she clamours in through the window, but I hope the soldiers outside didn't get spooked seeing her scale the wall.

She mentioned that she'll drop by for the summer fair and asked if we could hang out before we left. It wasn't as if we were going to be out of town for too long, but I understand that us going away for so long might be worrying for her. I do need to head to the quilter's that evening, though, so I told her that I'll only be available after I run some errands. Rui will have to accompany her until I get back.

I wonder how Rui and Emu get along on their own? Emu seems like the sort who can get along with just about anyone, but Rui is a lot more reserved than even Nene. I don't think I've ever seen the two of them alone together without either me or Nene. I shot a glance at Rui to gauge his reaction, but as expected, there was no signs of displeasure or glee on his face. He did voice his agreement, though. Since he wasn't opposed to it, that means all's well, right?

Chapter Text

I think I'm destined for hell.

While on the way back from morning patrol, I saw Touya and Akito sitting in the backyard having a chat.

They have a close friendship unlike any other. Touya occasionally turns to Akito for encouragement which he's more than happy to provide. I'm glad that Akito is there to support him whenever he gets cold feet in spite of his capabilities. Seeing them always brings a smile to my face.

I was about to turn and head back to my office when it suddenly hit me that Touya was hugging and petting Richard on his lap. I couldn't believe my eyes. Richard barely tolerates my presence, but there he was, sitting in Touya's lap like he was the good-natured chicken he wasn't.

I was flabbergasted, not because Touya was the only human in existence to not suffer Richard's wrath, but because Rui let Touya take him out of his room. Why did he let Touya take the devil incarnate out when he wouldn't even let me take sweet baby Dahlia out to my room on the same floor?

I marched straight to Rui's room and confronted him about this injustice. His response was immediate: Touya was more trustworthy than I was. Apparently. I protested the baseless claim, and Rui fired back by saying that Touya would never attempt to make the chicks his personal bug exterminators and my mouth clammed up. It's true, but I thought that the friendship we forged between us was strong enough to overcome whatever worries Rui had about me feeding his pets extra bugs. I grumbled under my breath a little while we ate, but my complaints all fell on deaf ears.

I will remember this.

When Touya and Akito came over to return Richard to Rui, Richard began screeching hysterically and refused to leave Touya's side. Rui came back from returning our cutlery to the kitchen just in time to witness Akito and I wrestle a struggling Richard away from Touya and drop him in chicken jail where he continued to screech our ears off for another 5 minutes after Touya and Akito left.

I fear the day Richard finally destroys the chicken jail partition with how furiously he bites at it every time.

Before leaving to work on the coop, Rui turned to me and asked if I was alright. I hate to say it, but it almost washed away all the petty frustration I felt earlier. Almost.

I stretched my arms out to him and joked that I would feel better if he kissed the pain away. Truth be told, I was expecting a flick to my forehead or maybe a cold dismissal from him at best. I thought it was clear that I was only joking and not expecting a serious response.

Rui bit his lip first of all upon hearing that. He went wide-eyed and took a step back in horror. His jaw dropped as he continued staring at my outstretched hands in disbelief. I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction and was about to draw my hands back when they were stopped pulled forward. I looked up and saw Rui standing closer with furrowed brows glaring daggers at me. It finally dawned upon me that Rui was holding my hands up between us and squeezing them when I looked down.

Right at that moment, he let go.

My arms fell to my sides according to gravity's demands. Rui declared that I owe him one for this in a strained squeak and before I could ask him for confirmation, he'd slammed the door behind him.

While listening to the decrescendo of his stomps, I realised somewhat numbly that the sharp ache lingering from the vicious pecking earlier really did disappear after that fleeting moment. Imagine how much pain could be alleviated if Rui stayed

What am I doing...

I deserve whatever punishment awaits me in hell for this.

Chapter Text

The day was rather uneventful so far. Rui said that he'll be handing the chickens off to Emu after lunch. I reminded him to take this opportunity when he returns to tidy up his room and he frowned and pretended not to hear me. I asked just for confirmation if he was really okay with being alone with Emu for a while since he didn't seem like the type to get along too well with bubbly personalities like her. If push comes to shove, I could sort out my errands quicker and look for them sooner. Rui raised a brow at me and asked why I was so concerned about that, adding that I wasn't the only one to get surprise visitors, in his words.

Somehow, that never crossed my mind. I wonder what they talk about when they're together.

Rui spent the rest of lunch watching the chickens. He'd space out in the middle of chewing and forget to swallow or shovel more hasty pudding to his mouth. He must be reluctant to part with them. I felt a twang of pity for him watching him solemnly groom them one by one.

We didn't see each other for the rest of the afternoon. It felt right to give him some space before we meet again later. I'll head out to meet the quilter now.

The quilter truly did a marvellous job. If I didn't already have everything I could possibly ask for, I would have wished I'd gotten one for myself. I can consider having one made for Saki as winter approaches. She mentioned that they were heading north, and some of the coastal towns up north she may pass are notorious for their snowstorms in winter.

The thicker quilt was rather heavy, but I've no doubt it will serve well as a cosy blanket when winter arrives. The simple embroidery along the edges gave it a nice homely touch that reminded me of mom's. Meanwhile, the thinner blanket was plain but functional. It's a little longer than a normal blanket, which I'd requested since Rui is quite tall. This way, there's sufficient material to keep him covered up if he ever feels cold at night in summer. It took a while for me to bring them back since I took a detour to avoid getting seen by Rui and Emu, but it all ended up fine. I got the quilts back without getting spotted, and I'm ready to surprise Rui on the 23rd before we depart.

I found the two of them at a booth looking at the tiny clockwork toys and devices on display. Emu didn't really get the complicated physics behind it (and honestly, neither do I) but Rui was explaining things in simpler terms that she eventually understood to some degree. She greeted me cheerfully upon sensing my approach and was happy to report that the chickens are now grazing by her tent and getting along well with the other junglefowl kept by her tribe. She said that she and Nene will take turns watching over them between their tasks in the coming days, which is good for Rui. I feel like he wouldn't be able to sleep at night if not.

As for dinner itself, we went to the town's one and only seafood eatery for dinner. It's also the only place Emu ever really asks to go to. There are plenty of eateries that serve seafood dishes, but this eatery is different. Since it offers seafood exclusively and no other meats, its selections of fish and shellfish is vast. It only opens whenever sufficient ingredients are available, so it can stay closed for weeks at a time when the fishermen have poor catches. The fishermen who sell their catch here hail from the coastal towns farther out since we are located quite far inland (it takes several hours to get to sea by horse).

Emu decimated the store's scallop supply with her incredible appetite tonight. She really takes every opportunity to have seafood whenever she's in town to eat. It's a little funny when I think about it because her tribe seems to have roots as fishermen if one of the legends she shared with me is to be believed. It told of a long, gigantic monster with many writhing arms that ravaged the land and people a long time ago. I like to think that the creature was a kraken, but there's no way for anyone to verify that now.

We spent most of the time catching each other up on what happened since the last time we sat down together for a chat. Rui was mostly preoccupied with chicken business, I was juggling some chicken business and work, and Emu had her plate full with the new classes she's leading lately in town. She teaches the schoolchildren about her tribe, holds joint classes for children in both communities, and makes handicrafts, to name a few. There are also talks of a joint foraging trip in a few weeks too, apparently. I'm grateful for all her efforts to bring both communities closer and I want to support her in every way possible. When we left the store, she gave the two of us a big hug and we promised to get a memento for her and Nene from the capital while we are there before heading back.

On the way back, I asked Rui what he did while I was away, mostly because I was curious about what he and Emu talked about on their own. He wistfully recalled how they scattered feed along the way to the holding area Emu and Nene set up for the chickens because they didn't want to follow Emu. After that, they checked out the various booths at the summer fair. They made up stories ← Rui's exact word here is 'theories', but when he described the details to me, they sounded less like intelligent speculation and more like the type of make-believe Saki and I would come up with whenever we played together as kids. I think he was trying to put on airs here, which is cute as they browsed each stallholder's booth. Rui sounded resigned as if he was only playing along with Emu's whims, but it definitely didn't feel like it to me. I nodded and said that I was glad he enjoyed himself and he looked the other way and protested my comment with a mumble. I had to resist the urge to burst out laughing upon hearing that. After we arrived at the mansion, I asked if I could stop by his room before we meet Akito and the mayor in the morning on the 23rd, and he said yes, thankfully.

I think I could give the astronomy book to him then, too. For all I know, he might enjoy some light reading on the road.

Chapter Text

It feels strange to be eating lunch in the cafeteria today after spending nearly two months eating in Rui's room with him and his chickens. I went to his room out of habit when lunch came around and couldn't help but notice how empty his room was without the birds sitting around. It's now full of scattered papers again, though.

Now that I think about it, I've been stopping by Rui's room even before the chickens were added to equation, haven't I?

I think there was a number of soldiers who were watching us. I could feel their gazes on me as we entered, but I don't think Rui noticed (or he didn't care). I guess they were just shocked to see us both finally eat properly in the cafeteria after two months of not doing so. The madames were overjoyed to see us and wished us well on our journey to the capital.

When we got seated, Rui suddenly shot me a glare and asked why the madames handed him a bowl of vegetable broth even though he didn't ask for it. I was confused myself and he elaborated that they told him that 'it's been a difficult two months trying to find out what soup was best' for him. At that point, the cat's fully of the bag already so I confessed that I'd told them back when I first picked up his lunch for him that the soup was for him and they remembered that. I didn't tell him that I told them about the whole agreement and requested that they made more soups with vegetables lest it made him madder.

Rui attempted to look for another table to eat at but they were all full, so he spent the entire time fuming silently while eating. Needless to say, the vegetable broth was mine to finish.

Chapter Text

It's now around 6 in the morning, I wager. I'll pop by Rui's room after I'm done changing. The stagecoach leaves at 9, so I have to make this quick. My suitcases are mostly packed, and I just need to hand Rui his (early) birthday gifts and stow my writing tools and diary away immediately after the ink dries later. I'll give him the winter quilt after we return from the capital.

I hid the gifts behind my back when I entered and when I showed them to Rui, I explained that I thought he'd appreciate having them on this long journey. The blanket was so he could stay warm at night enroute, but its main purpose is to keep him comfortable when (not 'if', because I know he'd sooner die than listen to my nagging) he sleeps on the floor. I handed him the book I'd gotten as a spare gift too.

The first thing Rui said as he looked at the gifts in his hands was: I didn't ask for this. He seemed genuinely confused that anyone would bother. I told him that he didn't have to, and that he could do whatever he wanted with them. When he raised his head and met my eyes, a most heartfelt smile spread across his face as he thanked me. But there was also something about it that almost felt heartbreaking. I couldn't put a finger on it. Before I could open my mouth to ask, Rui turned away and said that he needed to repack his suitcases to fit these in, so I excused myself and returned to my room to quickly jot these down.

Hopefully this journey will be smooth as Saki's.

Chapter Text

Time's like these truly make me wonder why we couldn't have left on the 25th, but enough of that. It's late now and I could use some sleep before I take over the latter half of tonight's nightwatch.

June 23 (departure)

The four of us were crammed into the stagecoach with our suitcases stowed on top of the coach. Akito and the mayor ended up on one side, while Rui and I were on the other. There was no helping this. We were going to be seated shoulder to shoulder no matter what. But being conscious of Rui on my left did not help things. Rui began reading the book I gave him earlier without a worry in sight, apparently. Meanwhile, I was holding myself back from looking his way too often. The four of us engaged in some small talk along the way, with Rui chiming in from time to time.

Shortly after, I fell asleep and woke up while the horses were being changed. Rui had draped the blanket over the two of us because 'the winds are chilly and it's too long'. The ride was still bumpy, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as before.

June 24 (Rui's birthday)

I was the first to wake up this morning. I felt a heavy weight on my shoulder and realised it was Rui's head. I felt bad waking him up, but I did it so that I could wish him a happy birthday. He mumbled an annoyed thanks in his groggy state, no doubt questioning why I'd disturbed his sleep for something so petty, but I laughed a little and told him he could go back to sleep right away. He put his head back on my shoulder immediately upon hearing that.

I don't think he realised how bad that was for my heart. I wish I could sleep that peacefully in his presence.

June 25

We had to make a stop midway to let a few bear cubs pass. A potentially harrowing encounter.

June 26

I asked Rui how far he'd gotten with the book. It was about 400 pages in length, if my memory serves. He'd only passed the 50th page or so since there was a lot of interesting details packed into the pages. I'm glad he likes the book.

June 27

I spotted some of the familiar landmarks that meant we were almost at the capital. The four of us played a bit of cat's cradle with some string Akito was playing with. Of us four, Akito was the best while Rui was last in every contest. The contests soon turned into cat's cradle lessons for Rui.

June 28

We arrived in the capital in the morning and started searching for inns as soon as we thanked the coachman. Due to our early arrival, there were a few inns with sufficient rooms for us and we found one with (slightly) decent rates. We were left to our own devices for the rest of the day. The mayor said he'll be meeting his own acquaintances for the next few days and told us not to worry about him. At the very least, for safety's sake, we all agreed to eat dinner at the inn so that we can be assured that everyone is accounted for at the end of each day.

Rui said that we can look for Mizuki tomorrow for lunch or afternoon tea.

That should suffice as a summary for the days we spent on the road. My joints are creaky and I wish for more hours in the day to let me sleep more. I bought some extra snacks and coffee to keep me awake for nightwatch too.

Chapter Text

I don't understand how sleep works. The fact that I only had maybe 5 hours of sleep last night should mean that I would become horribly fatigued today, yet I'm not. I feel fatigued just by keeping my eyes open all day, yet sleep wouldn't come when I close them. Why can't this burst of energy serve me at a more appropriate moment instead of subjecting me to its whims and fancies? I could give it credit for granting me the ability to keep writing to pass time before I start today's nightwatch from midnight, but I feel too awful to be thankful.

The mayor woke up at around 9am and told me to rest well before he left to meet his acquaintances. While I appreciated the sentiment, I'm afraid I'm doomed to sleep-deprived nights for the duration of our stay here. I tried to take a nap after he left, but I could barely sleep a wink. By the time I did fall asleep, Rui knocked on the door and it was time for us to meet Mizuki.

Seeing Rui in casualwear outside of the estate left me... I don't think it's appropriate for me to pen this down. I'll just say I was speechless to spare the details. Rui led the way to Mizuki's residence. We weaved our way through the crowded square into the residential district where it was quieter. It's been a long time since I last visited the capital now that I think about it. This might be the first time I've ever been to any of the residential districts so far.

This next part is quite painful to write, honestly. Out of curiosity, I asked Rui if he has a house in the capital since he was born here. But he fell silent and said he didn't know if it's still his. I don't know what possessed me to ask why. In hindsight, that answer should've already told me all I needed to know. But Rui elaborated further. He didn't touch on the details, but he mentioned that his parents were killed while he was away and the home was seized by the authorities, so he doesn't know if the house still exists since he never returned after the former prime minister took him under his wing. I wish I didn't ask. I apologised, but Rui brushed it off since I didn't know. He added that it was alright since it all happened a long time ago, but he didn't sound okay. I told him that I'm here for him if he ever needs to talk. All that followed was the clacking of our heels against cobblestone.

We carried on walking in silence for a while until Rui suddenly brought up that Mizuki would probably bring us to the bakery by their place for lunch. I think he was trying to lighten up the mood after my spectacular blunder, so I jumped at the chance and asked if it was any good. Their cream puffs are some of the sweetest he'd ever tasted, apparently. As we turned the corner, someone called out to Rui and he whipped around and smiled at them. It was Mizuki.

They are a little shorter than I am and wore a most elaborate dress with matching ribbons in their hair. They were full of cheery spunk which showed in the exaggerated waves they made at us to catch our attention. Rui introduced us and I immediately expressed my thanks for their part in helping Rui get the reservoir pen for me and handed my gift to them. They were overjoyed and awkwardly laughed, saying that I didn't have to get them anything. They then lead us to the bakery that they liked, as Rui predicted. I spent the walk listening as Rui made fun of Mizuki for only ever bringing him to the same bakery every time and Mizuki tried to defend themself. The way they talked, no one would've guessed they'd not met in years. I'm truly happy to know that Rui has friends like Mizuki to support him.

When we entered the store, Mizuki pushed Rui to catch up with the owner and place our orders before leading me upstairs to a table where a short-haired brunette lashed out at them for taking too long. I was a little confused, but the well-mannered lady, Ena, greeted me and Mizuki introduced her as their partner. She's an aspiring court painter who met Mizuki several years ago, but they only started dating a few months ago. She seemed rather humble to me. Whenever Mizuki praised her skills by listing off her recent commissions for high-profile clients, but she would downplay her achievements and remark that she still had a long way to go. I do not know a lick about art evaluation, but after finding out from today that she was the one who drew the detailed diagrams of the reservoir pen in Mizuki's letter for Rui, I felt that she was well on her way to making her dreams come true with her current artistic skills.

After the pleasant start to our meeting, Mizuki suddenly leaned back in their chair and let out a loud groan, startling Ena beside them. I thought they were unwell at first, but it wasn't the case at all. Mizuki thanked me profusely all of a sudden, saying that they were indebted to me for keeping Rui alive after the incident. They'd lost touch with him shortly after they quit university and didn't hear a peep from him until news of the former prime minister's arrest broke, which was how they discovered that he was named as one of his co-conspirators. I didn't know what to say as they described how anxious they'd been over his fate, waiting every single day for an update that refused to come. After letting out what was probably 2 years' worth of worry on me (Ena only sighed and pat them on their shoulder as they recounted their experiences, so I think she's in the know about their friendship), they flopped on the hardwood surface between us unceremoniously and asked that I continue looking out for him on their behalf. They finally reconnected this year after they received a letter from Rui out of the blue and said that he mentions me from time to time in his letters. They've been waiting for a chance to repay me as Rui's benefactor in whatever way they could ever since.

It was a lot for me to take in. I don't think what I did was worthy of repayment. All I did was plead (and maybe argue) with the jury to give him a second chance. And not to mention, I could never have gotten anything done if it weren't for Emu and Nene backing me up. It took a lot of convincing and assuring that I'll take responsibility for anything he does for six months after his release before I could sway anyone in power. Even then, there is still a handful of people who refuse to interact with him to this day. I asked Mizuki if Rui ever told them about his work for the former prime minister and they shook their head. They'd known he was working for him even before they met in university, but he never mentioned it around them.

Apart from that, what struck me the hardest was the fact that Rui apparently spoke of me favourably to Mizuki despite how unbearable I must've been so far. When I conveyed to them my thoughts, they laughed off my incredulity and said, in their exact words, that he would've left a long time ago if he didn't like me. I almost choked on my own saliva at that, and I can only pray that they didn't notice. Something about the grin they wore on their face tells me they did, though. Not addressing it felt like a wise decision.

Mizuki then shifted the topic to myself, asking what I did, what the town I'm stationed at is like, and how it's like working with Rui. I embellished my answers with some anecdotes of Rui's slightly more eccentric antics that I thought they might enjoy hearing about, like the chickens. And they did.

Right as I was venting my frustrations about Richard the devil in chicken's clothing, we heard someone coming up the stairs and turned to see Rui holding a tray with a mountain of pastries and bread in one hand and a tray full of condiments, cheeses, and sauces in the other. The owner was so happy to see Rui again that she decided to treat us to lunch and loaded as much bread and condiments as she could onto Rui's trays. We dug in and Rui gave me some of the sauces and cheeses that were tastier (according to him) to try. Unsurprisingly, he avoided the dipping oil full of herbs, which was a shame because it was one of the better dips with the bread. Hidden on the other side of the bread pile was a bowl of fried potatoes that were apparently Mizuki's favourite, which they shared with Ena. While spreading some jam on his slice of bread, Rui suddenly asked who Ena was. That was how she and I found out that Mizuki had never once mentioned her in any of their letters to Rui, disappointing both persons who forced them to introduce them properly. Mizuki begged me to defend them from 'the two meanies' but I couldn't offer much help. They did have plenty of opportunities to mention Ena to him, after all. Ena chastised them, but I don't think her words held much weight when she was feeding them pieces of potato between scoldings.

After Ena was done with her food, she had to leave to meet her younger brother who happened to be visiting the capital for a few days. Mizuki reminded her not to bully him too much this time as she stood up, to which Ena grumbled that it'll 'depend on her mood' (do they not get along?). But watching them adjust each other's accessories and say their goodbyes... made me wish I could do that with Rui, too. Thinking back, Ena seemed a little tense trying to navigate how she should conduct herself around me and Rui, but she never showed the same restraint with Mizuki. As she told Mizuki in the most gentle of voices that she'll see them tonight, Mizuki pulled her in for an embrace and kissed her forehead and told her to be careful.

I wish I could do that with Rui too.

Rui elbowed me with an unamused look and mouthed at me to stop staring. I held back my laugh and decided to give the cream puff Rui mentioned earlier a try. It felt like a mistake, however. Upon sinking my teeth into the pastry, I felt an unnaturally cooling sensation on my teeth and gums. I don't think cream puffs are supposed to make one's teeth feel like they are melting. But the sugar... Oh, the sugar. I could feel the lingering flavour of the cream clash uncomfortably against each spoonful of broiled fish and peas I shoveled into my mouth for dinner. Finishing the cream puff this afternoon was a struggle of its own. It was only after I swallowed the final bite of cream puff that Rui helpfully explained that families in the area utilise the them as punishment for misbehaving children. For all I know, he could have been joking at the time, but I have no reason to believe he was. I don't think I can stomach anymore dessert for the rest of the week.

After the filling meal, Rui took the remaining two cream puffs with him in a paper bag (why?) and we went to Mizuki's house which also doubled as their studio. The common space was rather cramped because of the assortment of mannequins and rolls of cloth that occupied half the space, but the house seemed cozy nonetheless. There was a room that served as Ena's painting studio, filled with paint brushes and easels with amazing half-finished paintings. Having seen Mizuki's half-finished work and sketches, I really think that their designs align with Saki's tastes and asked if it was possible to request a commission from them. They were initially hesitant since they have a long waitlist keeping them busy for the next six months or so, but they agreed after I told them it was for Saki's birthday next year. Mizuki said that they will contact me via Rui when they were ready. Rui protested the arrangement, arguing that Mizuki could easily share their address with me to cut out the need for him to play messenger for us, but Mizuki ignored all of that and simply thanked him instead, drawing a disgruntled groan from Rui.

Mizuki set aside their sewing supplies on their work table so that we could sit around it and continue chatting over some tea. I stopped paying full attention here because a wave of drowsiness suddenly assaulted me mid-conversation, so I tried to focus on listening to Mizuki and Rui while I still could. Before I knew it, I dozed off and only realised it when Rui woke me up to leave at sunset. Mizuki giggled as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and rose from my chair. They bade us farewell and cheerfully declared that I was welcome to visit anytime, which I was happy to hear. I told them to visit us in town with Ena whenever they were available as well.

As we made our way back, I asked Rui what they talked about while I was asleep. He narrowed his eyes and asked me suspiciously why I needed to know, and I couldn't help but laugh. He gets so protective of anything concerning Mizuki. He only told me that they liked me as a person, which wasn't news sincr I could already tell as much from our interactions earlier. Just to keep the conversation going, I asked how he described me to Mizuki in his letters to them. I knew he wouldn't tell me either way, but I wanted to try my luck still. His eyes widened in shock upon hearing that. He refused to divulge anything and muttered under his breath about Mizuki being sneaky? I couldn't catch what he said. Regardless, it was a fun outing today.

As we crossed the main street back to the inn, a group of children who seemed to be playing a game together ran towards us. I assumed they would dodge us, but right before the smallest child knocked into me, Rui tugged at my arm so hard that I nearly lost my balance. He glared at the children and briskly dragged me to the inn's entrance. There, he did a quick once-over of our surroundings and scolded me for being naive and having no survival instincts in a city this big. That was how I found out that juveniles like those children were often part of thieving syndicates and targeted unsuspecting people like myself. I've heard of these cases before, but I never thought that I would be a target myself. City folk really do live in a completely different world from rural folk. Rui sighed when I apologised for the narrow brush with trouble and just said to be more careful since the capital doesn't work like the communities I know. I guess he was right, but this was a sad pill for me to swallow.

Dinner at the inn was good, save for the lingering aftertaste of tooth-rotting sweetness desecrating every bite of my food. Akito was a little worn for the evening and headed back to bed as soon as he finished eating so that he could rest up for his nightwatch shift. I took my bath after dinner and now I'm just waiting for the mayor to return from his. He has a tendency to spend hours at a bathhouse just chatting with other bathers. But it's close to 11 now and I reckon the bathhouse must have chased him out already, so I should get ready for nightwatch before he returns.

I'm still exhausted, but I can make a cup of coffee to keep myself going if push comes to shove. It seems like someone stopped outside the room. Is that the mayor? I'll end off this entry here.

Chapter Text

Rui came out of his and Akito's room shortly after I began my shift for the night. He was munching on one of the cream puffs he'd packed from the bakery earlier today. The first question that came to mind was 'why are you up this late at night', but I was so baffled by how he was able to eat that with a straight face that it completely slipped my mind in that moment. Is it really wise to eat pastries this late in the night in the first place?

He sat by the lamp to my side and continued eating silently. He then offered to bring the other cream puff in his room out in case I needed some sugar to stay up. Just the mere thought of putting that thing into my mouth again made my eyes water. I tried to decline his kind(?) offer, but then he asked if I'd still like it if he ate the cream and left the pastry for me instead. I was stunned. I thought I'd misheard him. It felt as if time was slowing down not because I was sharing a beautiful moment with Rui, but because the world was falling apart around me and I had no idea what to do. I don't know if he's just a big fan of the cream (a baffling thought in itself) or if he's just trying to be kind and share some snacks while I'm on nightwatch. Either way, I couldn't make head or tail of this. I said yes rather cautiously and watched as he proceeded to pinch a bit of the remaining puff and stretch his hand out towards me without a word. I looked between him and the pastry suspiciously before picking it out of his fingers and popping it into my mouth.

It was good, but it really begs the questions of why and how Rui is able to stomach more than one serving of that tooth-rottingly sweet cream in a day. I threw the question at him, but he just shrugged and said that the flavour is addictive.

After he'd finished the first puff, Rui retreated into his room to take the other cream puff out to eat. We sat together like that for a while, barely speaking a word to each other. But it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was... peaceful. Just like the night itself.

But still, I had to ask him why he chose to come here and eat instead of just eating in his room. Apparently, he was just bored since he left his research notes behind. Once he finished the last cream puff, he wiped his fingers and got up to head back to his room.

It was an unusual respite from the bore of nightwatch, but I'd welcome him again anytime.

Chapter Text

I woke up at 11am today somewhat rested, but not fully. If only I could sleep the day away and banish it to the recesses of time

No, it was better that I did. I can't let Rui face that man alone.

Rui and I had our lunch downstairs at the inn since it was stormy outside. Since 10, apparently. He was supposed to visit Mizuki today, but decided to wait until the rain stopped before heading out. As we were eating, a few imperial soldiers came in to seek lodging for the night. Their liege was staying in another inn with his personal guard and had to split up with them due to the lack of rooms. A normal occurrence. I recognised a few of them from my time as a cadet, so I went up to them for a quick catch-up.

Their officer, if one can call him that, took one look at Rui and began spitting vile insults at him, taunting him for daring to show up in the capital despite being a criminal. Rui ignored him and all of the foul words he spouted, but I couldn't stand by and just watch. I raised my voice at him, but all that did was make myself a target for his insults. I could take the insults to myself. I've already taken plenty from the immediate aftermath of the black oil incident. But that foul worm beast man tried to rile Rui up further by insinuating that he committed heinous acts in order to save his skin...

Rui shouldn't have stopped me. I don't care if I get disciplined or have my reputation fall to the gutter for picking a fight with someone who doesn't deserve to hold his post. I can only satiate this rage with the memory of how quickly his smirk fell when I intercepted his fist and brought my knife to his throat.

I should've

The innkeeper stepped up to break up the fight and warned us to behave if we wanted to have a roof over our heads tonight. I calmed down a little then and apologised for the ruckus with my head hung low (unlike that ill-mannered mutt) and sat down to finish up the remaining food on my plate. The mere sound of that sickening voice kept me on edge until his troop headed to their rooms. After eating, I just kept my eyes on the table and waited for Rui to finish up his food. I could feel his gaze on me occasionally. I guess he was monitoring my reaction after that outburst. Once he was done, he signaled to me to follow him back to his room.

In his room, Rui sighed with the door against his back. As grateful as he was that I stood up for him, it was ultimately a bad decision in situations like these. He said that people like that usually tire from the lack of reaction and just leave on their own, but I argued that he could've gotten hurt if that thug were to raise his fists. He might even see Rui as an easy target if I didn't go up against him. Rui didn't deserve this.

He sighed again and said with a chuckle that I was so easy to trick precisely because of how foolish I am. How I managed to survive cadet training, rise the ranks, and have the gall to argue for his pardon remains an enigma to him, he said.

What good does blood offer to those who live to see another day? Am I truly the fool when there are people here who make assumptions about him based on a headline? I just believe that people have no reason to lie, and I told him as much. I don't know if this meant anything to him, but I added that I will always be his ally no matter what.

Rui sighed (again) and grumbled under his breath about how illogical I was when I've been proven wrong over and over again. I didn't have anything to say about that comment and just chuckled.

There wasn't any point in going back to my and the mayor's room when I knew it was empty, so I propped myself on the table by the window and looked outside. The streets were dull and barren. The grey of cobblestone stretched for as far as I could see. But once in a while, there would be a lone person or two who would brave the unforgiving weather to head someplace. Before long, Rui joined me on the other side with the blanket I got him draped over his shoulders and we spent the rest of the afternoon looking out and peoplewatching while waiting for the rain to stop.

Once in a while, we would try to guess where the people outside were going. Most times, we didn't get an answer. But the few times we did, Rui was right to a scarily accurate degree. It was fun listening to how he arrives at his guesses. His keen observations and knowledge of the area really reminded me how he was a perfect fit for his role.

At one point while we were just waiting for another person to appear outside, he suddenly asked why I wasn't taking this time to write in 'that book' instead. I turned to him and before I could ask why he thought that, he added that 'anyone could tell that it's been filled regularly'. I'm guessing that this was his roundabout way of asking what the diary was. I could've given him a cheeky answer, something to the effect of 'figure it out for yourself', but I had a hunch that I'd get questioned again in future if I did. His eyes were focused on me, scrutinising my every move as he waited for my response.

I told him that I prefer to write in it when I'm alone near the end of the day since it's a diary. He held his gaze for a moment longer before turning to the window. I don't think it satisfied his curiosity well enough. His expression never changed, but he said he'll do his best not to get featured in those pages in that case. I almost doubled over in laughter upon hearing that. If only he knew. Maybe if fate allows, I'll let him have a look at these pages for himself. I'd love to see his reaction to this.

Unfortunately, the rain didn't stop till sunset. It was a shame since it meant that Rui couldn't visit Mizuki today. But then again, his audience is scheduled for tomorrow morning before the vote is held, so if all goes well he could spare some time to visit Mizuki after that. Maybe. Only time will tell. Still, I hope he takes some time off to visit them again next time.

Akito shot us a weird look when he came back and saw the both of us standing by the sole window in the room but quickly said he didn't want to know before we could answer him.

I think I can sleep well tonight before my shift knowing that our group snagged the last chairs available for dining in the inn before that crook could.

Chapter Text

When I came out to switch with Akito, I saw to my surprise that Rui was there accompanying him, huddled up in his blanket (I'm glad he's using it so often) and hugging his knees. Akito said good night to us and told me to 'babysit him', raising both hands as Rui whipped around and shot him a glare.

I was a little confused and looked to Rui for answers. He was evidently not pleased, so I asked what happened and also why wasn't he asleep when it was dawn. He avoided eye contact, tightened his hold on his knees and bit his lip, so I took my seat on the floor and waited. I didn't mind not getting an answer, but I'd prefer if he went to bed instead. His eyebags were prominent and it felt preventable to me if he was staying up by choice despite not having anything to do.

I was about to start playing cat's cradle with some elastic bands I'd found in my suitcase earlier when Rui suddenly sighed. I honestly wasn't expecting it and nearly dropped the bands. As I scrambled to keep them from falling out of my grasp, he buried his head in his arms and said that he was afraid.

His voice was a little muffled, but I could make out the fear colouring his voice as he spoke. How long was he holding it in? It felt like I was witnessing the moments before a beaver's dam gave way. He spoke of his fear of being executed tomorrow for his treasonous acts against the Crown. A part of him knew that it wasn't possible since 'the King is the same type of fool' as I was, but the dread ate away at him as time continued marching its merry way forward.

Rui took a deep, stilted breath after that and let out a sigh that was just as stilted. Seeing him curl up like that reminded me of this one child I'd once found many years ago while I was in my first troop. He was curled up among the remains of what used to be his home, shivering in the cold and bone-thin, trying to protect himself from the elements, from the assailants who ravaged his home, and from the cruel world that took his parents from him. I hope that child is doing alright after we dropped him off at the nearest orphanage.

I scooted closer to Rui until my shoulder met his. He didn't budge. I couldn't promise or guarantee somehow that he will be okay tomorrow. All I could do was tell him that it should. That he wasn't alone. That he had me us. Words don't amount to much in the grand scheme of things, but I had to try nonetheless. I told him that Akito and I will spring to action if anything happens to him tomorrow. We'll protect him, we'll do whatever it takes to keep him safe even if it meant we became traitors to the Crown too.

Rui didn't respond after that. I wasn't expecting him to, honestly. I half-expected him to pay no mind to all my blabbering. He stirred a little, shrinking further into his blanket shield. Then, he straightened up slightly and turned to me with tears in his eyes. He asked in the most heartwrenching of voices if I'd hug him if it meant we were even.

That's not how it works. If someone wants a hug, they ask, 'Can I have a hug?' No transaction or exchange is needed to comfort someone in a time of need. I told him to save it. Save them until I'm forced to attend to his every whim till the end of time. Save them for the tomorrow that will come. I don't need to owe someone in order to help them. I could feel the hesitation in his hands as they reached up my back, unsure of where they should go. But once they found their place, they latched onto me in desperation. I don't know if telling him it'll be alright meant anything to him. I stayed for as long as he did, listening to the broken melodies that forced their way out of his throat which told of a man who feared the unknown of tomorrow because he wished to live.

I saw sunlight flitting in from the window at the end of the corridor. Time was merciless as ever. I let go of Rui once I felt him pull away. His nose was runny and his eyes were bloodshot and puffy, but his breathing was (relatively) even. He was still hugging his knees, but he was looking ahead and not down this time. I adjusted myself so that I leaned against the wall and asked if he was feeling better. I mentally counted the stones used to build the wall I was looking at, again half-expecting to not receive an answer.

Rui stretched his legs with a sigh. While keeping his gaze trained on whatever he was looking at, be it the wall or the rails or the window on the other side, he said that he'll not thank me even if what I said turned out to be true. And that was fine by me.

He muttered his thanks so soft that I barely caught it as he scurried back to his room.

Rui,

I know you might never ever open this book. You have always been a man of your word even when you try to deny it. But in the off-chance you do open these pages, I hope you get to read this one at least.

You're like a flower to me. The sight of you fills my heart with joy. But the sight of you wilting in despair like you did just now fills me with indescribable sorrow.

When you said to me that you won't thank me just now if I ended up being right, I was ecstatic. I was over the moon. It was as if my meagre efforts at rejuvenating a withered flower finally paid off, and I was blessed with a beauty unlike any other. The happiness that bloomed in my heart when I caught a glimpse of the sparkle in your eye again was beyond compare. Without ever knowing, you bring me happiness just by being there. Just like the flowers you so adore.

I wish I could be courageous enough like the knights in the days of yore to convey these feelings to you, but I'm afraid I'm not. All I can do is wish that one day, after you inevitably return from your uneventful audience with the King, you will chance upon the ink on this page and find out how much I love you.

Chapter Text

I might regret this, but I stayed up as long as I could so that I could catch Rui and Akito before they departed. I headed down as soon as the clock struck 8 and propped my lethargic body up against a wall by the stairs and waited.

I don't know how long it took before I saw them. Or rather, heard Rui. He approached me and asked why I was still up while Akito went ahead to order some breakfast for the two of them. His eyebags were more prominent than they were last night (this morning?), but I'm sure I wasn't faring any better. I asked how he felt today, and got a defeated sigh in return. He looked away, his right hand balling up the fabric of his pants in its grip. Eventually, those honey orbs met my gaze and he said he wasn't feeling as bad as he should.

That was enough for my lips to perk up. I gave him two firm pats on the arm and told him I'll see him later and headed back to my room.

All I can do now is wait, and maybe try to take a nap before the mayor returns to get ready for the vote later.

I've had the most literal restless day today. As they say, no news is good news. But I couldn't help but keep my eyes and ears peeled for potential mishaps all day even though it was near impossible for me to catch wind of anything while inside the palace. However, I'm happy to report that there were no mishaps or disasters to write about today.

The vote went smoothly, and the new duke will take office from autumn. It was quite a bore from the perspective of the accompanying guards, but boring is always better than eventful especially when it came to situations like these. Once the vote concluded, we were all ushered into His Majesty's dining room, where we enjoyed a luncheon with quite possibly the most exquisite foods and desserts I'd ever seen or will see in my life. With every hearty meal came good company, of course. I mingled with some of the other accompanying soldiers while keeping a watchful eye on the mayor.

In all honesty, I don't think I am suited for life in the palace. There's only so much rigidity I can stand in my day-to-day. A little ironic, considering I'm in the military.

By the time we returned, it was close to evening. Rui and Akito were already seated at a table with a delightful spread of dishes for dinner and I could feel my stomach growl at the mouthwatering sight. But more than anything else, I was happy to see Rui was back, safe and sound. I would've preferred to change out of my uniform before joining them, but I couldn't. When I told them to save some food for me, they shot a brief glance at each other before turning to me in unison as their lips curled into the most sinister of smiles, declaring that they couldn't guarantee any leftovers for us if we took too long to return. In the interest of not starving tonight, I took my seat somewhat reluctantly while the mayor's chortles boomed throughout the hall.

The mayor asked Rui how the audience with the King went but he didn't furnish any details, only saying that it was alright. There was something about his gentle grin... It seemed like there was more to what he said, but it wasn't in my place to ask, so I just carried on eating and listening to the rest as they chattered away.

I took my bath after dinner and bumped into Rui who was on his way out for his. The conversation we had was quite possibly the funniest I've ever had with him (barring the chickens, but that's funny in another sense).

He first pointed out that I looked haggard and suggested that I take a nap before I started my nightwatch shift. That was a guaranteed way to lay waste to whatever's left of my sleep schedule, so I asked in jest if I could borrow his shoulder to sleep on during the journey back to town. Rui tried to ask for a favour in exchange for that, but I pointed out that I let him keep his favours even though he slept soundly on my shoulder on the way to the capital. He grunted in frustration and said that it didn't count since it was his birthday and he could do whatever he wanted. I was already laughing at how silly this entire exchange was at this point and barely managed to choke out that it meant that he'd deliberately leaned on my shoulder the entire trip here. Rui jolted back in shock upon hearing that. His eyes widened and I'm half-certain he let out a strangled squeak before he angrily pushed past me to stomp away like a child who was sore over losing in a game.

What better way is there to end this day? One more nightwatch and I can return to some form of normalcy.

I couldn't help but laugh when Rui shot a pointed glare at me and swung his head away with a pout as soon as my eyes landed on him. He made a beeline for his room without even gracing me with a simple 'good night', but that was fine by me. 

Chapter Text

Tonight's shift was dull. It felt longer than usual. It's probably because I haven't had any company today to while the time away.

I guess this means Rui is actually sleeping.

I enjoyed his company these past few nights, so I can't help but miss him a little. But no news is good news, right?

If this meant that he's sleeping well, then I wouldn't have it any other way.

I could've sworn I made tonight's coffee the same way I did the previous nights, but somehow it's cooling faster than anticipated. I guess this is just how loneliness feels. It's petty considering we are just a few doors away from each other, but I wish he was here instead.

Chapter Text

Stagecoach rides are so bumpy. I managed to sleep through most of the trip back, but my body is sore all over for what's probably the rest of the week.

July 2 (departure)

I was already struggling to keep my eyes open when we gathered in the hall to leave, but we managed to squeeze into the stagecoach and depart on time. Someone might have dragged me along, I don't know. I don't remember what happened after this. I felt Rui's blanket over my shoulders and I passed out immediately before the coach began moving.

July 3 to 6

Rui said that I slept like a dead man and didn't react to anything even after the others stepped outside while the coachman stopped to change horses a number of times. It apparently took a while for the coach to get moving again each time because he and Akito had to haul me upright so that he could get seated.

Oops.

Even when I did wake up, it didn't last very long and I would doze off in seconds. It also rained for most of the journey, apparently. I guess that's the reason why I couldn't wake up for most of the trip back. I always enjoyed naps when the weather was cool. Rui grumbled quite a bit about the weather and said that he would've kept the blanket over just himself if I wasn't 'radiating so much heat that it made the sacrifice worth it'. If I did wake up to clean myself up, I don't remember it. It's difficult to discern between dreams and reality when I slept that long.

I have to say though, Rui's shoulder was very comfortable to sleep on. He didn't mention anything about my snoring, which was a relief. It would be terrible if I kept everyone up because of that. 

July 7

Home sweet home. The rain stopped by today and it was swelteringly warm when I got out of the stagecoach. But still, the weather was pleasant. It felt as if the town itself was welcoming us home. We parted ways as soon as we alighted and Rui and I headed straight to the mansion after. He filled me in on what happened on the way back and we bumped into Touya who greeted us with a smile. He said that he'll meet me tomorrow to report on what happened while we were away and from the look of things, everything seems fine.

I think I have to end this entry here. I've already taken my bath, but the fatigue is already creeping up on me. I'll leaving the unpacking and laundry to tomorrow.

Chapter Text

It suddenly occurred to me that I'd completely forgotten to get a gift from the capital for Emu.

While I was internally panicking at my desk, Rui knocked on the surface to get my attention and said that he'd already gotten a gift for her with a sigh. He'd gone shopping with Akito before they returned to the inn on the 1st and got a few other gifts for Nene and Touya too because he knew it'd slip my mind with how frazzled I get when I'm sleep deprived.

It was the best news I could ever receive. Nothing could happen today to top this. The shadows looming overhead were all dispelled with just that one statement, and my mood couldn't be better.

All I have to do is hope that the favour he asks for in return isn't too ridiculous.

Chapter Text

Rui was almost done with the coop as of today.

He said that Emu will drop by later this week with the chickens, so he was aiming to finish it ahead of time. I thought it'd be nice if he could visit them once since he hasn't seen them in over 2 weeks and suggested he do so, but he was strangely hesitant about it. He only agreed to do so when I said I'll accompany him to see them.

I wonder why.

I'm curious to know how the chickens are doing, though. Will they still recognise us when we visit them tomorrow? I hope they do.

Chapter Text

Rui and I made our surprise visit to Emu and Nene this morning.

We met one of the more friendly elders on our way there. He was surveying the area earlier since many of the members participating in their hunt today were fairly inexperienced. As he guided us to where Emu and Nene were at, he asked how we were doing and we eased into a rather pleasant conversation even if I did most of the talking between me and Rui. Once they were in view, he lingered back and bowed his head politely before returning to his post.

Emu was more than delighted to see us and frankly speaking, her joy was so contagious that I couldn't help but break out into a smile myself. Rui handed them the gifts he'd bought: a wooden penguin carving for Emu and a small box for Nene to store the pebbles she apparently collects. It was great to see them and briefly catch up after such a long time away from town. Nene brought us to the holding area where the chickens and their junglefowl were kept at so that she could also stop by her tent to put the gifts away.

I'm half-certain they are bigger than they were 2 weeks ago. Their adult feathers are fully showing as far as I can tell, but they looked like teenagers that were clumsily settling into their bigger and maturing bodies in the sense that their bodies are maturing, but they were still the same old chicks they were on the inside. Rui had a small bag of seeds with him that he scattered for the birds and they (including the junglefowl) instantly crowded around him to snatch a peck at the free food. Richard screamed at his fellow brethren for existing but he ended up getting viciously pecked by Pickles for standing in her way.

It was fun watching Rui. Dahlia nuzzled against his hand and nipped at him if he stopped petting her. While he was distracted, Layton nipped at his shoe instead of eating with the other chickens.

When Nene asked quietly if I was falling in love again, I could only laugh in response.

When we headed back to the estate, Rui was a little more upbeat than before. It wasn't very obvious, but his pace was a little lighter and he didn't drag his feet as much.

I wonder if Rui would be open to letting the soldiers pet the chickens to boost their morale. A little like how he lent the demon to Touya previously. I'll ask him tomorrow.

Chapter Text

I saw some vibrant violet flowers east of town this afternoon.

I asked Rui what they were called as soon as I returned. I was only able to provide a crude drawing of what I'd seen along with a rough description of how the flowers looked (droopy, bright, fairly small), but Rui was able to get it somehow.

Apparently, they are called vetches and they bloom during summer.

He said that they are common around these parts, but receive ire from some households with particularly elaborate gardens because of how difficult they are to root out.

To each their own, I suppose. It's a shame that some people truly think that way. I personally think they are beautiful, but I don't exactly have the most defined taste in flowers, so maybe my opinion doesn't matter much to someone like Rui who is leagues more knowledgeable in this regard. After I told Rui, he chuckled and said that I was indeed strange for thinking that way.

We spent the rest of the day quietly working our way through the mountains of paperwork accumulated from the past 2 to 3 weeks.

Chapter Text

During lunch, it suddenly came to me that I'd forgotten to ask Rui about the possibility of designating specific times for anyone to interact with the chickens.

I brought it up with him before I could forget again. He was a little hesitant at first but I told him it was just an idea that I thought could be done, and that it was all up to him if he wanted to go with it or not.

Rui set his fork down and pondered over it for... an uncomfortably long amount of time. I was starting to think he'd fallen asleep while sitting when he said that he'll think over it and give me an answer soon.

I hope I didn't come across as pushy... I'd hate for him to feel compelled to do something he wasn't willing to. I told him as much before we parted ways in front of his room, but he reiterated that he understood where I was coming from and just needed some extra time to think about it carefully.

I hope that's really all there is to it.

Rui dropped by near the end of the work day to tell me his answer.

It was a no.

He kept his head low and was very apologetic when he was speaking. I told him it was perfectly fine. I was happier to know that he could be frank with me, and told him that he didn't need to apologise for standing his ground. His smile was slow and uncertain. It was like I was watching someone test the waters before dipping their whole foot into an icy pool of water. But the unspoken gratitude was conveyed nonetheless.

Rui excused himself and turned to swing the door open after that. Before shutting the door fully, he popped his head back in and stuck his tongue out at me, declaring that he still wouldn't lend the chickens to me even if I asked. And just like that, he was out.

I couldn't help but laugh after I replayed what had happened in my head several times before everything clicked into place.

You really ought to learn how to express your thanks properly with words, Rui. I'm afraid my heart may not be able to take your awkward attempts at being genuine much longer.

Chapter Text

Rui's chickens are back.

He was introducing them to the coop and their little holding area during lunch, so I packed some food from the cafeteria for him to eat later in his room. I don't know how to judge comfort for a chicken, but I think Rui did a splendid job with the coop. The fence should be able to keep the chickens in and keep potential predators away and they will have a sizable plot of land just for them to graze. He also made roosts of varying heights inside the coop. Very thoughtful and accommodating in ways I wouldn't have thought of.

Emu also helped out by giving away a few torn and tattered sandals from her tribe to satisfy Layton's shoe obsession. He took to the coop instantly once Emu threw the sandals in and spent the rest of the afternoon in the coop. I hope he doesn't bully the others once they settle in.

Richard the demon started struggling in Rui's grasp all of a sudden while he was being carried over, kicking and flapping his wings furiously in an attempt to break free from the hold he was fine with just seconds prior. We were confused for a moment until we realised that Akito and Touya were lingering at the back entrance with a few other soldiers watching the chickens move in. Crowd aside, Touya was the only one in the world who could calm him down, so I called out to him for help. He obliged with his usual gentle smile and made a beeline for Rui. With the object of his affections(?) right in front of him, Richard only struggled harder and I worried for a moment that Touya would get hurt.

But it was for naught. Emu, Rui, and I watched in wide-eyed horror as Touya shot his hand at Richard's neck, all while calmly telling him to please behave.

The insane thing however, is that it somehow worked. Richard retracted his neck before Touya could touch him and stopped moving immediately. Touya proceeded to tuck him into Rui's arms, saying that 'sometimes a little patience is all that's needed', but I don't know... I feel like what I'd witnessed wasn't a show of patience, but rather a show of dominance. Rui was completely speechless. I think he learnt for the first time why Richard likes(?) Touya from this just like the rest of us.

Once all the dust settled and we made our way back indoors (and said goodbye to Emu), Rui asked me in a hushed voice along the corridor if Touya harboured any... inner demons that he needed to be wary of, so to speak. I haven't been told of any issues with him that might be worth noting, so I couldn't give him any answers. I think it's just Touya being Touya.

Chapter Text

Rui was getting tailed by Dahlia when he stopped by my office to submit some reports. According to him, she somehow made her way back into the mansion and was already sleeping outside his door by the time he got up in the morning to use the bathroom.

He said that he had no choice but to let her follow him around until she gets bored and returns to the coop on her own, but I think she's just spoiled by him. I don't think she'll return on her own volition.

I didn't tell him that, of course. Besides, she's cute when she tries to keep up with him with her tiny little feet. Rui gets anxious when he hears the click-clacks of her claws on wood speed up, so he'd slow down and turn to check on her to make sure he doesn't step on her by accident.

I'm holding my tongue only because I don't think Rui would appreciate me calling him cute because of this.

Chapter Text

I've been feeling someone's watchful gaze on me for the past few days. I tried to pay it no mind thinking that it was just my imagination, but as it turns out, I was wrong.

It was Rui, without a doubt.

I don't know why he's been staring at me so frequently. All I got from him whenever I asked were blatant denials of wrongdoing. Is this payback for all the times I stared at him while working?

On second thought, I hope that's not the case.

Either way, I'm not sure what to do about this. It's uncomfortable at best, but I'd prefer if I could eat or listen peacefully without feeling his gaze on me.

Chapter Text

I went to Rui's room today to prepare for this afternoon's meeting and it smelled like lavenders.

I could've sworn it smelled like lavenders sometime last month, too. I think the scent this time is a little different, though. It was stronger too. I asked Rui if he was having any trouble sleeping, but he said no. He just likes the smell of lavenders, apparently.

I told him not to strain himself too much. It would be a shame if he fell ill when the weather is so good now that it's summer.

Chapter Text

Rui has been eating slower lately, so I would return to my office to rest up and write after finishing up some of the vegetables on his plate. Today was another such day. I thought it was a little strange, but I think I found my answer today.

On my way to my office, I saw a few soldiers crowded near one of the windows trying to get a better look at something. They were jammed up close to it, practically elbowing each other in an effort to get the best view out of the window facing Rui's room, so I asked them what the commotion was about. After they greeted me, the tallest of the bunch stepped aside and gleefully explained that they were trying to catch a glimpse of Rui petting the chickens in the backyard from that window since it provided the best view (the window on the second floor was already taken over by another group of soldiers).

I ended up joining them and watching Rui from there for a short moment before returning to my office. They said that they liked doing this after lunch since it was rare for him to smile so much. And I agree. But I also felt...

I'm not sure how I felt about this. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it wasn't a good one either. I liked watching Rui have his fun, but I'd rather admire him by myself, I think.

I should do something about this.

What should I do...

Chapter Text

I don't understand cicadas.

Of all the places to die, why did this grotesquely oversized abomination have to die right at the entrance to my office? Absolutely horrific.

This is too much for me after just finishing up my morning run. I retreated to the bathroom to clean myself up and thought of a great idea.

Since there's still plenty of time to go before work starts, I think I can pick up one of the chickens quick and get it to gobble up the carcass and put it back in the coop before anyone notices. I just need to be quick on my feet and maybe stop writing for now to get this done.

Well, I've gone and done it now.

Sweet little Dahlia didn't move a muscle when I picked her up and made a run for my office. It took a while for her to recognise the dead cicada as food, and I honestly don't blame her. I was starting to think that this attempt at 'disposing the body' was a failure because she took so long to peck at it, but once she finally did, she threw her head back and swallowed it whole without hesitation. I was pleased, but this wouldn't last long.

With the deed done, I turned and dashed for the stairs with Dahlia in tow, but as luck would've had it, I just had to bump (literally) into the last person in the world I wanted to see at the moment when I turned the corner.

Rui was flabbergasted, to say the least.

Right as he opened his mouth, I dashed past him in cold sweat and I could hear him yelling after me to stop as I ran down the stairs. Never before have I felt so grateful for my stamina (apart from that time I retreated from Emu's tribesmen on our first altercation, but that's different). I dropped Dahlia over the fence and she calmly waddled over to graze at the grass with the others. When I turned around, Rui was trudging over with heavy footsteps, panting and cursing under his breath. He was absolutely livid. He demanded that I tell him what I fed her between breaths. Rui wasn't going to like any answer or excuse I came up with, so I just said that it was nothing harmful.

And I think it's true. Dead cicadas are harmful to nothing but my heart.

But Rui wasn't satisfied with just that. We went back and forth like that until Rui had had enough and stomped his foot with an scornful huff. He turned on his heel and stomped back inside, but not before angrily declaring that I'll pay for this.

...Surely this wouldn't come back to bite me.

I didn't see Rui for the rest of the day. I think he's still sulking from this morning, but it's also entirely possible that he's just busy today. There were no harmful consequences to speak of, so I think this should blow over by tomorrow. Rui should know as much too by now.

Chapter Text

Today was peaceful. Too peaceful, in fact.

Even though I was certain that everything would be fine today, a small part of me was wary that Rui might do something to exact vengeance upon me. He did say that I'll pay. But he was basically back to normal today. We attended drills, discussed some reports, ate lunch... Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

I asked Rui if he was alright today in the evening and he said he was fine.

It feels odd. I did a cursory survey of my room and office and found nothing off about them either, so it seems like everything is truly fine?

There was a nagging feeling in my heart that told me otherwise, but I couldn't find any proof to that effect.

Chapter Text

I told Rui about the soldiers watching him pet and coddle the chickens this morning.

I hate to be the wet blanket for such a benign matter, but I felt it needed to be done. Rui's face was absolutely glowing in mortification when he stammered his whys and hows at me. It was so adorable I couldn't help but laugh. I told him that they're just happy to see him happy since he rarely interacts with them. They probably find him too intimidating to approach while still admiring him.

Rui tried to glare at me for saying that, but I have to say, it only made him look cuter. I ruffled his hair and told him that it was nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I'm happy that he's able to open up slowly so far.

I hope he continues to do so

is what I want to wish for from the bottom of my heart. But a stray thought seized my writing hand before I could add the period to end the entry right there and then.

As Rui becomes more open about his feelings, he will share them with more people. That means that he will smile, laugh, cry, and get mad in front of more people. No, who's to say that he isn't already doing so?

One rational thought is all it takes to dispel these baseless ideas, but it doesn't take very long for them to resurface. I'm aware that this probably isn't the first time such thoughts invaded my mind. I've felt this feeling before, and it scares me.

I'm afraid of this feeling. It emerges from the invisible crevices of my heart when I least expect it and overwhelms me as soon as I acknowledge it. It's the thought of losing my place what we have. Drifting apart because Rui seeks solace elsewhere. Not being the. This bond between us. I feel queasy after I become conscious of it because of how it makes me spiral. There must be a name to this, but what happens after I learn it? Will it amplify this feeling's power over me like a curse invoked by the calling of its name?

Negative feelings are not inherently bad. They teach me what I dislike and abhor. But I'm afraid that this will push me to do something that makes Rui unhappy, and I don't want that.

I wonder who I can confide in. Writing helps with internalising my feelings, but if it persists still, I think talking to someone would be better for the long run.

Chapter Text

I took a walk in the forest after my jog this morning instead of heading back to the mansion because I wanted some time to myself before the day started.

While distracted and mulling over yesterday, I bumped into Emu and Nene who were foraging for blueberries together. It didn't take long after we exchanged greetings for Emu to ask if something has upset me. I tried to make up an excuse, but couldn't. Thankfully, Nene seemed to catch on and told Emu to let her handle this and got her to pick blueberries from another bush they'd yet to visit.

Seeing Emu light up and skip away brought a smile to my face, at least. Once she was out of sight, Nene led me in the opposite direction and asked me to spill the beans.

It felt liberating to be able to talk about this. It's like a weight was finally taken off my shoulders. The first thing she did was sigh and blankly state that I was being jealous. At first, it didn't make sense to me. How could I be jealous of Rui when I'm firmly his ally? Nene then pointed out with a lot of exasperation in her voice that my obsessive mindfulness over people catching a glimpse of Rui the same way I do is typical behaviour observed in jealous partners.

Before I could defend myself, Nene shut me down by saying that it can also apply to people with one-sided affection for someone.

I felt bad for having to subject her to my clumsy attempts at understanding myself and how I felt about Rui. She said that I should just confess to him so that I don't have to worry my hairs off at the prospect of him finding a special someone of his own, but it just didn't sit right with me. If Rui's happiness lies elsewhere, how could I force him not to pursue that?

But still, the talk was very much appreciated. I now understand this petty jealousy and how to deal with it. I have to keep this under control and appreciate the time Rui is willing to share with me while I still can. Nene was unimpressed, but told me that the choice was mine to make.

I now have to find a nice pebble for Nene as payment for the trouble caused, in her words. She said that her collection has been growing rapidly in recent months, so I was tasked with retrieving 'an exceptional one that could really impress'. I'm not sure what that means, but I'll do my best.

After lunch, I caught Rui examining the coop and its surroundings before hiding behind it, away from the prying eyes of the soldiers (and me). The soldiers on my floor were disappointed and loudly lamented the fact as they slumped in one pile against the window.

I should ask if I could join him next time.

Chapter Text

While searching the backyard for a pebble for Nene in the evening after work, Rui approached to ask what I was doing.

I'd been searching for the past few days for something that could meet her standards to no avail. There were some sharp and chipped stones that could serve as payment, but they didn't appear too impressive to me so I didn't want to settle on those. Today's find before Rui arrived was slightly better. I found a pebble with a streak of white running across it which tapered off the middle of its underside, but I wasn't sure if it would be good enough for Nene to accept. Since Rui was available, I offered to tell him about the deal I made with Nene the other day if he'd lend me a hand today. He narrowed his eyes and whispered something I couldn't make out before agreeing to my request.

We weren't able to find anything that looked suitable for Nene's demands by sunset, but Rui said that it might be better to search the forest creeks for pebbles. Apparently, he'd heard rumours of eagle-eyed townspeople who successfully unearthed precious minerals and colourful stones from them.

I'll try my luck tomorrow, perhaps. I can't keep Nene waiting for too long.

Since it was dinnertime, I asked Rui to join me in the cafeteria for a quick meal before we headed back to our rooms. He advised me not to ask too many favours from Nene lest I end up having to dedicate most of my free time to go pebble hunting for days, if not weeks.

I wonder which is worse. Not knowing what I need to do or provide to Rui whenever I owe him a favour, or having to look for pebbles that could satisfy Nene whenever I owe her one? It did remind me that I still owe Rui two favours, so maybe I should ask him about that soon.

Chapter Text

Today was incredibly humid. I wish I could take a bath again in the afternoon just to rid myself of this icky sweat before work ended, but alas, I couldn't.

I exercised in my room this morning since the rain was quite heavy. After I was done, I headed to the cafeteria to replenish my pitcher with water and saw that Rui was already there, pouring himself a cup.

Instead of entering, I pressed my back against the wall and snuck a peek at him. I watched as he brought the cup to his lips and the water flowed smoothly from the cup in his hand down his throat, its progress marked by the gentle bobbing of his Adam's apple with each gulp.

The sight was bewitching, so much that I couldn't keep my eyes off of the gentle waves rolling down his throat. When Rui happened to swivel around and face me mid-sip, his eyes widened for a split second once they met mine and he almost choked on his water. That was when the spell cast upon me finally broke, and I rushed to help him as he tried to cough up the liquid stuck in his throat.

After his breathing evened out, Rui scolded me and told me to enter the cafeteria like a normal person instead of standing outside and staring like a child who was waiting to be noticed by their parent. He then called me an idiot and left with an indignant huff.

It was only after my legs carried me to the corridor that I realised I'd yet to fetch the water I sought. I can only thank the heavens that no one else was present to witness this humiliating display of mine.

Chapter Text

I went to the creek that's closer to the forest entrance earlier today to look for pebbles.

Although it was certainly refreshing to dip my toes into the cooling waters, it was still terribly humid and a little stuffy in the dense forest. I wasn't able to spot anything spectacular, but I managed to find a round, plain, grey rock that had smooth edges. It wasn't too impressive, but it fits nicely in my palm and had a nice weight to it, so I thought that it would be good for keeping my papers down after it dries whenever I need to open the window to air my office.

When Rui saw the stone on my desk, he raised his brow and commented that 'Nene would never accept a rock this big or plain'. I told him that I was having trouble discerning what rocks Nene would like and he let out a disappointed sigh and said that he'll help me out tomorrow only if he gets a favour out of this. I was dumbfounded by the sudden proposal and agreed to it without really knowing what I was doing. Seemingly satisfied with my response (of course he would like it, he's milking me for favours), he told me to meet him at 7 in the morning and flashed a cheeky grin at me before turning to leave.

I don't know if it was a calculated move on Rui's part because of how quickly it happened, but he nearly walked straight into the door frame on his way out before swerving to the correct side and exiting in one smooth motion. My heart nearly stopped when I saw that.

Well. So much for asking what he wanted to do with his older favours. Looks like I owe him 3 now.

Chapter Text

I finally found the perfect pebbles for Nene with Rui's help. At the same time, barring a few mishaps, I had a much better time than I could ever anticipate.

I think it rained sometime last night because when we set out for the forest, the grass was wet with more than just morning dew and our boots sank into the drenched mud with a loud squelch with each step. Regardless, we had a mission to fulfill this morning.

I followed Rui to the same creek I visited yesterday. Shortly after we arrived, we took our shoes off and Rui immediately got to work and picked up a light grey pebble with a layer of fuzzy moss concealing half of its surface from a crevice beneath a rock and ome twigs. He demonstrated how to maximise the number of pebbles we can examine in one visit by turning over everything that could be moved. Then, he guided me a few steps downstream before resuming our search once more. He says that the smaller pebbles tend to be swept downstream because of the current, so our search was mainly concentrated along those areas.

It felt like I was truly being led by an expert. I wasn't familiar with the tactics used by rock enthusiasts to hunt for their treasures. I don't think I could ever feel the same passion for such a hobby myself. I think rocks are fine being plain and grey. Maybe the lake near my hometown had many such hidden gems as well.

We turned up a few more pebbles as we followed the current and sifted through the sediment. One was brown with pink specks which glistened under the sun, and the second was a stone embedded in the riverbed which had brown and white stripes across it.

I was pretty happy with our finds by this point. It was a stark contrast to my previous attempts. Just then, I heard Rui burst out laughing behind me and he started treading towards me while shielding his mouth in a futile attempt to hide his blatant laughter. He crouched by my leg and pointed out a leech that had gotten stuck to my calf. The sight was frankly icky, but he slapped the creature off of me and the bite continued to ooze blood (painlessly) for a while longer. Rui said that it will close up on its own later, but suggested we call it a day here and head back to the mansion since I've already gotten what I needed. With him leading the way, we trudged through the waters upstream to where our shoes were left.

We eased into a casual chat about Nene, during which Rui shared that her birthday was a few weeks ago (July 20th!). He was about to turn to check that I was keeping up when he suddenly stumbled forward. I rushed to catch him by his arm and hooked my other arm round his belly before he fell into the water so he was alright, but it was definitely a close call. He'd made a misstep and slipped on a mossy rock he overlooked. We stopped for a moment so that I could check that he hadn't sprained his foot (thankfully, it's all fine) before resuming our journey upstream.

This was but a transient moment we shared together this morning, but I enjoyed it very much. I don't know if Rui felt the same, but for me, my view was mesmerising. Against the backdrop of the forest with thin rays of sunlight filtering through the thick canopy of lush leaves, all I could see was him. It was as if we were in a separate world of our own hidden away from the outside with nothing but the two of us for company.

I wondered for a moment if I could take his hand and just run. Run to wherever our legs took us just so that I could indulge in this selfish fantasy of mine longer. But that's just lunacy, isn't it?

By the time we began lacing up our boots, the bleeding from the leech's bite stopped. With a bit more walking, this daydream of mine fizzled away under the bright merciless sun. We quickly headed back indoors and I thanked Rui for his help and asked him to show me some mercy for the next favour he asks of me before we parted ways to our rooms.

Anywhere can be Heaven if Rui is there with me.

Chapter Text

I got up earlier than usual so that I could give Nene two of the pebbles we found yesterday: the mossy one and the pink one. I plan to save the last one just in case I need a favour from Nene again next time. When I went to retrieve them from my desk, I noticed that the mossy rock now had a tiny sprout emerging from it, which was quite cute.

Thankfully, she was impressed by my offerings. When she asked why I gave her two pebbles instead of one, I told her that Rui informed me about her birthday and she understood immediately. She also correctly deduced that he'd helped me with the search ('With how long you took, there was no way you could find these on your own,' according to her.), pointing out that I looked unusually proud of my findings when I handed them to her.

I wonder if she was just trying to tease me, or if she was telling the truth. Either way, I can't deny that it was thanks to Rui that I was able to keep up my end of the bargain. I was truly grateful for his help. And happy we could spend some time together.

Nene's face blanched in disgust and told me to stop daydreaming in front of her and shooed me away before she retreated to her tent.

On my way back to my room, I took a detour to the backyard and watched the chickens sunbathe sleepily near the gate to their enclosure. They didn't seem to notice or care about my presence, so it was rather peaceful. They would adjust their positions or fluff up their feathers every so often in order to soak up as much sunlight as they could.

Rui eventually came by to scatter some food for them. He focused his attention on them as they got up one after another and scampered off to eat their fill, barely moving a muscle as he observes them. I guess he was monitoring their behaviour to check that they are okay.

Rui called out to me just as I was starting to space out while watching Pickles chase after Dahlia. He sounded offended by my presence and asked in a rather confrontational tone why I was there for. But that was just a ruse. After I told Rui that I was just curious to see the chickens, he said that there wasn't much time left if so. That, in my eyes, was just his subtle way of hinting to me that it was time to get ready for work. I waited for Rui to put away the feed he'd brought and we headed up the stairs to our rooms together.

I didn't get to see Rui much for the rest of the day, sadly. I hope that tomorrow will be different.

Chapter Text

Sometimes, I wonder what His Majesty told Rui during his audience last month.

Rui appears a little more relaxed recently. Instead of tense stoicism he's just... stoic. It's a little hard to describe, but I'm sure that his expressions were colder last year.

I think he's smiling a little more, too. He doesn't smile with his teeth very much, but whenever the corners of his mouth perk up ever so slightly, they reach his eyes too. It's not a drastic or sudden change in his behaviour. I think it's a gradual one that has been happening subtly over a long period, and I only noticed the result of it now.

Maybe I'm overthinking this and it was going to happen irregardless of the audience. Maybe my hunch is right. Or maybe I'm just seeing things and he's the same Rui he used to be.

But I'll stick with the positive theory. There's nothing fake about the way his eyes seem to melt slightly whenever he makes the gentlest of grins.

I think it's a good change. I'm glad that he's happier now.

I'm happy that he's enjoying life.

Chapter Text

While searching for a book from Rui's shelf, he suddenly asked me to accompany him when he cleans the coop tomorrow.

He'd tried to clean it yesterday but Layton kept pecking at him whenever he tried to open the door, so he needed bait (me) to keep the chickens distracted while he gives the coop a good scrub. Those were his exact words, more or less. I'll be paid handsomely with one favour struck off my debt, which is generous of him.

It was tough bargaining with Rui on the fly, but I think I did a good job. He'll allow me to keep Dahlia for one day (from dawn to dusk) to kill insects indoors however I pleased, but only if he's present as well.

That works out perfectly for me. For many reasons. I'll probably take a day off to feed Dahlia all the bugs she can eat soon.

Chapter Text

The sunflower field cultivated by one of the elderly farmers in town is now in full bloom.

He and his wife work tirelessly to keep the plants in top condition for the yearly blooms. According to their neighbours, they've been cultivating sunflowers for nearly 40 years now. The flowers are gargantuan and always leave me in awe whenever I pass them on my patrols. I reckon they are close to 5 metres tall at this point. Their height rivals some of the smaller huts in the area, so the farmer fashioned a set of extra-long makeshift scissors specially for trimming the flowers when it's time to harvest the seeds.

I can't wait to get my fix of sunflower seeds soon. They taste much better than the ones I ate in the capital many years ago. Rui has seen the flowers, but he wasn't convinced that the seeds taste that much different from the capital. I'll probably buy a head or two from the farmer for him to try.

I'm happy to report that I survived the chickens.

Rui reduced the chickens' feed for the morning so that they will become more ravenous in the evening when he worked. All I had to do was feed them with the bucket of food he handed to me to distract them long enough for him to clean the coop.

And boy, were they hungry.

I think they recognise the bucket as their food source because they ran towards me as soon as I removed the cloth concealing the bucket. Pickles was the fastest chicken to arrive at my feet and she pecked at my boots relentlessly until I scattered the food for them. Even then, she wasn't satisfied. She flapped her wings furiously to lift herself high enough to reach the bucket and she almost did. I tried to lift the bucket higher to prevent her from stealing the food and almost tripped over my own feet in an effort to avoid stepping on the birds.

Rui had told me earlier to avoid emptying the bucket if possible so that the chickens don't overeat, but whenever I stopped scattering the seeds, they would stop pecking at the ground and stare at me in unison as if I was going to be their next target if I didn't continue. Even then, the promise of food didn't satisfy all of them. Richard didn't even eat very much and spent more time pecking at my shins with the malice of the demons that created him. I got a few scratches on my arms from Pickles's attempt to swipe food from the bucket too.

Thankfully, Rui was done cleaning shortly after I emptied the bucket. He winced when he saw how frazzled I looked and apologised for the trouble I went through.

Frankly, I don't know how else it could have gone. Chickens are fickle and I'm not their mother.

The only consolation was that Rui dropped by while I was in the middle of writing to help dress the wounds on my arms. He didn't mention wanting to do this when we headed back inside earlier, so I didn't expect to hear a knock on my door just now. Imagine my surprise when I swung the door open only to see Rui demanding that I let him in and get seated.

I wouldn't consider this to be one of the best days in my life, but it certainly wasn't bad.

Chapter Text

I saw some children making flower crowns together in the town square this morning.

I remember making lots of these when Saki and I were kids. Sometimes, I would skip school to look for pretty flowers to braid together for Saki while she was bedridden. I would even ask the girls in school for advice on how to make prettier flower crowns so that Saki would always have a unique one to look forward to.

I wonder if Rui made these when he was a kid too. With how much he knows about flowers, he could probably make flower crowns so beautiful that he could put everything I've ever made as a boy to shame.

I wonder how he would look wearing one. If I were to make one with wildflowers like daisies and maybe a few stalks of bluebells... I think he would look gorgeous.

But if my memory serves, bluebells only flower during spring, which is unfortunate.

I'll try to pick some nice wildflowers in the coming days and make something out of them. I think he'd look good even with just a simple daisy crown, but I could try experimenting with different flower arrangements if I had more variety.

Chapter Text

A disaster has struck the coop.

When I returned from my jog, there was a commotion in the backyard and I could see Rui glaring at something. Fearing the worst, I ran up to him to find out what had happened.

A goose had invaded the coop and was honking aggressively at the chickens. It waddled in from somewhere and tried to attack Rui while he was feeding them and snatched some food in the process.

That was an hour ago. Now, it is eating the food meant for the chickens and chasing away anything that approaches it. Since it's patrolling the coop and threatening everything that moves, Rui had to bring the chickens to his room in the meantime.

Obviously, he's not happy about this turn of events.

A few townspeople own geese, but from what I remember, those geese are... not as unpleasant. It might be a wild goose that wandered off from its flock for all I know. But for now, I'll be busy trying to locate the goose's owner if it has one. Rui was in a bad mood all morning. The chickens are big enough for him to leave them alone for a few hours as he works, but he wants them to be able to return to the coop before sundown. For all we know, the goose might wander off on its own again, but all we can really do now is investigate and hope for the best.

I hope the goose's owner drops by to take it back soon. If it stays too long, it might just never leave and someone needs to take care of it in that case, and I doubt Rui will volunteer to do so.

The goose left the coop sometime after lunch but it came back in the evening and honked at everyone who passed by.

I questioned the townspeople who own geese today, but none of them have lost any geese to their knowledge. Also, this goose has brown and black plumage which doesn't correspond with the white plumage that their geese have, so it's highly unlikely that this goose belongs to anyone in town.

Uh oh.

Chapter Text

Unfortunately, the goose is still here.

Emu popped by in the afternoon and asked about it when we sat down for tea with Rui, sparking a rant from him about how much of a nuisance it is, how it's threatening the chickens, and how all the effort he put towards building the coop is now serving its unwelcome resident.

We could see the goose raising its wings to threaten the soldiers passing by from the window outside my room. Emu was amazed by the sight, but Rui's frown only deepened when we headed out to check if it was still there. She mentioned that it's common to see geese fly in the sky between seasons, but they rarely stop in this area to feed and settle down.

That means this might really be a wild goose and Rui couldn't be more upset. He recommended Emu to take the goose if she liked it, but she declined because her tribe doesn't raise waterfowl and no one knows how to properly care for it.

Still, I didn't want to give up the search so soon. After Emu left, I drafted a letter that will be sent to the neighbouring towns to inform them about the goose in the hopes that we could expand our search for its owner. I'll get it to the mayor for approval and send it out soon. For now, I put up a sign to warn people to stay away from the goose and to approach me if they had any information on it.

Chapter Text

It's been raining all day. The goose is still at the coop and nothing is stopping its carnage. There have been a handful of reports of its attempts to bite and chase the young children around just this morning, according to Rui.

I'd gone to the mayor's so I wasn't entirely up to date with what happened, but Rui said that things will only get worse because the goose is a goose and cannot be tamed. Even if that's true, I hesitate to call for its slaughter in the off-chance someone did own it. If it is a wild goose, then it should leave on its own if we leave it be and don't provide it any food. But still, I see where he's coming from. I think it's best to keep it confined to the coop for now. Somehow.

I told Rui that he could let the chickens roam the mansion if he needed them to get some exercise. He's been a little antsy ever since the goose took over the coop and I don't think the chickens like being stuck in his room all day either now that they're on their way to being adults. He was a little hesitant, but relented when I brought up that they might like some fresh worms in this weather. Rui led them down to the backyard in a single file while I helped herd the stragglers at the back.

They mostly stayed near the back entrance, but Rui skipped lunch to keep an eye on them in case the goose decided to attack. Layton and Dahlia didn't like the rain and returned to Rui's side shortly after stepping outside. He was grumbling under his breath while petting them and drying their feet off, cursing the intruder for all the trouble it's causing. I think he's just a worrywart whenever it comes to the chickens, but I didn't say it out loud lest his mood sours further. I got him a few sandwiches from the cafeteria just to ensure he isn't starving all day at least.

I sent the letters to the neighbouring towns out in the afternoon, so hopefully we'll get some good news soon.

I shouldn't be writing again after I've gotten ready for bed, but I just had to.

I was heading to the bathroom one last time for the night and when I Rui out in the corridor, huddled up in the blanket I'd given him under the candlelight. He was working on a report, I think. I approached him and asked why he was working outside his room instead of inside, and he said that he didn't want to interrupt the chickens' sleep by lighting a lamp.

I almost laughed at his response, honestly. It sounds ridiculous even if I know it's genuine. I told him to work in one of the lounges where there are proper seats and tables for him to use so that he could be comfortable while doing so, but he insisted it was fine since he was almost done.

Out of curiosity, I asked if he'd been doing this back when the chickens were still chicks. He admitted that he did a few times and he only does this when he feels the need to pen something down before he forgets it. It can't be comfortable for him to do this each night especially since he already works on the floor on the regular. I was too tired to think of a rebuttal, so I just ruffled his hair and told him to sleep as soon as he's done before leaving.

Rui was already gone by the time I headed back to my room. I hope he's actually sleeping instead of working.

Chapter Text

I've finished the last of my quills today. I'm now writing this entry with the reservoir pen I got from Rui. The smoothness of the nib is really incredible and I don't think I can ever go back to using quills again.

I told Rui about this during lunch and he just said 'good' without a hint of a smile and carried on with his lunch. I could've sworn he almost did while keeping his eyes on his food, but I might have been seeing things. Knowing him though, he might just be shy about it since we were in the cafeteria and the soldiers could overhear us.

A small part of me is glad that he still isn't so open about his feelings in front of other people, but another part of me wishes he was. Maybe I should've brought this up when it's just the two of us.

In other news, the goose spent some time outside the coop and we received a number of reports regarding the terror it inflicted on some crops and people. Rui took the opportunity to stock up on feed for the chickens in his room while it was away since it's usually kept in the coop's storage.

Unfortunately, the goose returned at sunset and I don't think it's going away anytime soon.

Chapter Text

Rui's mood was terrible today.

Goose aside, one of the chickens began crowing this morning at 4. I'm certain that everyone in the mansion could hear it since I could hear it from next door.

I thought it was good news since it meant that the chickens are maturing, but Rui was fuming because the culprit stopped crowing as soon as he woke up, so he doesn't know which of the four is the rooster.

I personally believe it's Richard since it felt like something he would do, but Rui said it could be any of them at this point. Their wattles are not fully grown yet and he said that they appear to all be different breeds, so he's not able to identify them based on appearance yet.

I don't mind having to get up so early since I usually turn in before 10 on most days, but I guess it's different for Rui. He was snappier than usual today so I tried not to approach him unless necessary, and he looked absolutely exhausted by evening.

Maybe he'll sleep earlier with his new uncontrollable alarm clock.

Chapter Text

Very good news today: the goose will go home soon.

It belongs to a farmer from one of the neighbouring villages. Their chief wrote that the farmer is on their way to town to retrieve the goose, so Rui can look forward to a better night's sleep soon. We just have to wait for its owner to arrive in the coming days.

Rui failed to catch the rooster before it stopped crowing again this morning, so he's a little disgruntled about it. I suggested that he wake up earlier to catch it in the act, but he scoffed at the idea because 'he can't wake up that early'.

...Doesn't he pull all-nighters on the regular?

Chapter Text

I've been so preoccupied with making sure the goose isn't up to any mischief lately that I forgot about the flower crown I wanted to make. Luckily, I didn't see it for most of today, which meant I had some free time.

That probably also meant that someone else was suffering from its wrath until it returned at sundown, but I'll take this brief moment of respite for what it is.

I picked some wildflowers first after I finished my lunch. I was relying heavily on what I was familiar with to guide my decisions, honestly. Apart from daisies, I picked a brilliant blue gentian, a few thistles, and also a handful of bluecurls and poppymallows, so I'm confident I can make a beautiful flower crown out of these.

I bumped into Rui in the corridor when I returned and he looked over my finds with a quizzical look. He didn't ask what they were for, but I could feel his silent judgment as he looked between me and the flowers in my hands. I was eager to tell him anyway. Right before I could, however, I suddenly remembered that I needed to know the size of his head if I wanted the flower crown to fit him well. I asked him to stay still for a moment and apologised before pressing my fingers around his head, temples and forehead as quickly as I could to get a rough idea of how wide the flower crown's diameter needs to be. It was a little difficult doing so with a bunch of flowers in one hand, but I managed to do it.

Rui squirmed a little under my touch and protested at first, but I reassured him I'll be quick. I saw that he shut his eyes tight soon after, but kept as still as he could like I'd asked. The furrow of his brows never went away even after I pulled away and told him I was done, which I felt bad about. He was so uncomfortable that his face was completely flush by the time I stepped back. This probably felt like a gross violation of his personal boundaries to him. He probably thinks I've gone insane for all I know and I don't blame him. I'm feeling unusually excited about this silly idea that came to me randomly just a couple of days ago. When he asked what I was up to, I told him that it was for a surprise and left it at that.

Actually, now that I think about it, his hair was smoother than I thought. Maybe not as lustrous as Saki's, but it certainly feels better than some heads I've seen. I'd love to r I wonder if he washes his hair often.

It's been some years since I last made a flower crown, so I spent some time trying to recall the steps to make them and experimented with weaving the different stems together. Once I got the hang of it again, I lost myself in it. In the blink of an eye, it was almost 10 and I was nearly done.

Sadly, I ran out of flowers before I could complete the crown. I'll have to pick a few more flowers tomorrow and finish it while they are still at their freshest.

I can't wait for tomorrow. I really can't.

Chapter Text

August 15, 16XY

Weather: Fair

Season: Summer

Thanks to the rooster which crows once every morning now, I was able to finish the flower crown with plenty of time to spare before work.

It's not my finest work, I'll admit. It's my first flower crown in years, after all. But I'm proud of it. I picked a few pink flowers earlier and re-did one part of the crown to fit them in, and I can't help but smile as I examine it from every angle possible

I'll check if Rui is in now.

I realise now that every once in a while, I would find myself, for lack of a better word, stunned beyond words by what should be inane moments between Rui and I that really remind me how deep in love I am with him. Such moments leave me in a daze for an embarrassingly long time, and I must admit that I experienced one of these just now.

Rui was still a little sleepy when he answered the door, which was cute. He looked like he'd lose balance and fall over if he ever dozed off while standing. When I told him to stop moving and close his eyes and wait, he straightened up immediately and eyed me with suspicion. He could see that I was hiding something behind my back and tried to take a peek several times, but I (narrowly) managed to block his view swiftly each time.

I assured him that it was different from yesterday and he finally resigned himself to the surprise and closed his eyes. I thanked him and promised it'd be quick as I readied the flower crown in my hands and raised my arms to place it on his head.

But just as I took a step back to admire the sight, my jaw dropped.

It was breathtaking. It was just a simple headpiece woven together by an amateur's hand, clumsily sitting on his head and falling a little lower than it should because it was a tad bit too big, but in my eyes, it transformed him into a heavenly being. He was so beautiful that the most outlandish thought crossed my mind in that moment and consumed my mind.

I   thought for a brief moment if this was how taking his hand in marriage would be like.

So many images flashed across my mind as soon as I acknowledged that dastardly thought.

If there was a veil attached to these flowers...

If this were an actual ceremony instead...

If Rui were to smile and take my hand in his...

If the mere thought of standing with Rui at the altar is enough to drive me to the verge of tears, then I fear for the version of me for whom this is a reality.

Why does my mind have to torture me so? Why does it have to be so cruel? These selfish fantasies show me what I want, but never what Rui wants. I cannot allow these foolish illusions of happiness lead me away from the path I've chosen. I can't.

It's agonising. These thoughts, these wishful illusions of happiness... They're so tantalising, so addicting... But at the same time, they are wicked, heartless, and sadistic. If I embraced these thoughts, any bliss I might enjoy would soon make way for ruin.

If putting a shoddy flower crown on his head was all it took to summon such a turbulent storm within me, then it wouldn't be long before these feelings paralyse me and turn me into a fool in front of him. I hope that by casting them away to these pages, I will be able to greet tomorrow and Rui with a clear mind.

I don't know how long I stood there just staring at him. It was only when he asked if I was done that I snapped out of this reverie I trapped myself in. The last remaining morsel of sanity in my mind kept me from acting out of line, fortunately. I took his hand and guided him to the mirror in my room and told him to open his eyes.

Rui's expression didn't change for a while, but his brows eventually scrunched a little. He probably wasn't very impressed with the fact that I'd wasted his time just to put a flower crown on his head. The difference between his muted reaction and the explosion of emotions that I was caught up in just before was like night and day.

It's really best that he doesn't know, then.

Rui sounded a little hesitant about accepting the gift. He didn't think it suited him. He asked why I'd make one for him when it was usually girls who wore flower crowns, but I just told him that I thought it'd look good on him after seeing some kids making them together last week. Rui called me weird, but at the very least, I don't think he hates it. He was fiddling with the gentian and daisies with his left hand when he said that. If anything, it felt like it was his first time wearing or getting one and he wasn't sure how he should react.

It's also possible that he didn't know how to react because he was so taken aback by the fact that a grown man made and gave him a flower crown that only children and women make. But his smile when he thanked me was gentle, just like the touch he afforded the flowers on his head, so I think he didn't take any offense to it.

I'm honestly not upset about his reaction. This was just me pushing what I thought was good for him on him, after all. In fact, I was surprised that he thanked me and kept it on when he headed back to his room. I think he likes the flowers used, at least.

I think that's enough delusional thinking for today. I'm glad that I acted on this impulse even if I have more... thoughts that need reining in now.

The images conjured by my mind earlier plagued me all day. I know that they are just baseless fantasies cooked up by my yearning heart, but I couldn't get over them even now.

It's odd. Everything recorded in this entry happened just this morning. I thought that penning my thoughts down would help with managing them, but it backfired instead this time. What's worse is, the more I read this entry, the more restless my heart becomes. I reckon I've spent more time indulging in these outrageous daydreams than working today.

It's getting out of hand. I have to stop myself from burying my nose in these same pages again somehow, but I don't want to ink out these pages. Though naked and raw, these feelings are as true as any other word committed to this book and they are precious memories to me. But at the same time, the toll they have taken on me is apparent and I need to nip this in the bud before it festers.

Cutting these pages out sounds drastic, but I believe this suffices as a solution to this problem. I'll keep them stashed away between pages somewhere in the book. My hope is to deter myself from opening these pages so frequently by making it such a hassle for myself that I'll have plenty of time for me to snap back to reality before I fall for the trap of indulging in frivolous make-belief.

If these feelings were to gain sentience, I'm sure they would admonish me for the cowardly actions I intend to take. But I have to do this for not just mine, but for Rui's sake as well.

Please forgive me, for I am a weak man who wishes only the best for the one I love. I promise I'll return to pore over these words again when I feel ready to.

Chapter Text

The goose's owner finally arrived today.

She stopped by in the morning just before noon and apologised for all the trouble the goose caused. It'd apparently gone missing one day and she initially feared for the worst since it never disappeared for more than one day at a time before. I tried to ask her to stay for lunch at least since it was raining, but she insisted on making the return journey home immediately since her husband and children are waiting for her.

After we bade farewell to her, Rui heaved a sigh of relief rather dramatically and commented that she should've watched over it more carefully to prevent such escapes from happening again. I suggested in jest that he catch up with her and help her build a good pen that will keep the goose in and he shot me a pointed glare immediately.

The rain stopped shortly after lunch ended. By evening, the chickens were back in the coop and grazing in their enclosure. Rui spent some time examining the coop to make sure the goose didn't damage anything vital like the roosts and the bedding. While he did, he brought up off-handedly that I needed to keep my whims under better control because he had great difficulty trying to keep the flower crown out of the chickens' voracious reach yesterday.

It was... a strange matter to bring up all of a sudden, but it made me laugh. He didn't need to hide his thanks under so many layers of thorns.

But still, I'm glad he's taking good care of it.

Chapter Text

I had the most pleasant surprise imaginable today.

When I dropped by Rui's room to seek clarification regarding a report he'd prepared for today's meeting, there was a stack of books on his desk that caught my eye. I assumed he'd placed them there so that he could put them away afterwards. After I asked my questions and Rui provided his answers, Rui suddenly spoke up while I was mulling over his last answer. He said that he'd saved a few sprigs from the flower crown to press and fed the remainder to the chickens.

I thought I was hearing things initially. Before I could respond, he carried on by saying that he was going to make a simple bookmarker with the dried flowers for himself.

After that, the room fell silent and I finally found the right words to respond with. Naturally, I was happy to hear that he liked the flowers enough to want to keep them. I also expressed that I'd love to see what kind of bookmarker he makes with them.

Rui then turned to me and kept his gaze on me for what felt like an eternity. I can never guess what he's thinking or what he wants when he stares at me silently like that. He looked away after a while and said that he needs me to be available soon for a favour. And by 'soon', he actually meant next week. All I know is that I need to keep my evenings for next week free and he'll let me know the exact date I'm needed soon (which should mean some time before next week).

Awkward questioning aside, I had no reason to say no. I guess he stared at me earlier because he was trying to formulate the perfect segue to bring up the favour he needed after the small talk. I told him to keep me updated and headed back to my office after that.

Today was rather uneventful, so this easily made my day.

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I like watching Rui's hands move as he eats.

They are beautiful hands, so it's a shame that only his left is used for writing which makes the bulk of his work.

It's also the reason why I like watching him create his contraptions. I try not to pry too often, but it's always exciting to see what those hands will put together. Is he fixing a child's toy this time? Or maybe it's another movable demonstrative model that will be taken apart after he uses it for one meeting?

I don't get to see him work on those often. He's quick to notice when I'm watching. Whenever my eyes linger for too long, his hands would come to a halt and he'd ask that I stop staring. Again, a shame.

It's much easier to watch his hands while we are eating together. And I'm thankful for the fact that we've settled into this routine.

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Waking up at the rooster's crow now leaves me with a lot more time to spend in the morning before work. I think I'll try extending my jogging route or taking a post-jog stroll around town to get a little more fresh air before work from now on.

On one such stroll on the way back to the mansion, I saw Rui crouching over some daisies in the distance. I think he was contemplating something. He'd pursed his lips and was so deep in thought looking at them that he didn't seem to notice that I was waving at him, so I called out to him just to make sure I could greet him.

The next thing I knew, he startled so badly that he let out a yelp and tumbled over the flowers. Was my voice that loud? I felt a little bad, but I have to admit that his reaction was a lot more dramatic than I expected. Rui asked frantically what I was doing there as he stood up. It'd rained last night, so the ground was still a little damp and he got some mud on his clothes and himself. I told him that I was just taking a walk and helped wipe some of the dirt off his face and clothes.

When I first swiped the dirt off his right cheek, Rui jerked his head back a little before relaxing, so I tried to be gentle since he's not used to this sort of touch. I gave his hands a quick check too and once he was clean of mud, we headed back to the mansion together. Rui grumbled that he could've done it himself and drew a laugh out of me. I have to admit that it was a force of habit from the times I took Saki out to play. I gave him a light apology for treating him like a child and he shot me a wary glance before sighing and looking away.

After reaching the compound, I asked Rui what he was doing staring at the daisies so much. He just said that he was thinking and didn't elaborate. He insisted on heading to the coop to check on the chickens before changing out of his dirty clothes, so I reminded him to give himself a quick wash after he's done when we parted ways at the back entrance.

I should've expected it since I'd witnessed his fall earlier, but I nearly choked seeing Rui's exposed forearms when we passed each other in the corridor. I tried to cover it up with a cough, so I hope he didn't notice. Even admitting it here is a little embarrassing.

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During lunch, Rui informed me that Mizuki and Ena requested in their latest correspondence to send their regards to me. While they've been busy with their respective pursuits, both ladies were doing well, which is great news. Mizuki has been writing to Rui frequently and updating him on their lives 'far too often for someone who claims they have taxes to pay and a long list of clients to satisfy'. He launched into a spiel about how they'd once sent follow-up letters to elaborate further on something they'd described in a letter that was posted just a few days prior, resulting in him receiving three letters in the same week before he was done with his own response.

The idea that Mizuki decided on a whim to write a new letter to Rui a day after posting their last one was ridiculous, but I wouldn't put such comical antics past them, honestly. Rui let out an exasperated sigh after he was done venting and asked if there was anything I'd like him convey to Mizuki and Ena in his next letter. I gave it a bit of thought and told him that I'd like them to stay healthy and happy, and to visit us whenever they can.

Rui commented that the visit might never happen knowing how much Mizuki procrastinates on their work, but he mentioned that he could add a little more weight to my words if he gave it a 'harmless little twist'.

I'm not sure if I want to know what that entails, but I'll leave that for Mizuki to find out.

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I didn't see Rui in the cafeteria or backyard when I went down just now, so I went to his room to check in on him thinking he'd lost track of time working again. There was no response when I knocked, but I could hear him grumbling about something, so I let myself in.

To my surprise, Rui was busy trying to tie a few daisies together and from the look of things, he was having a difficult time. He dropped the flowers in his hands and scrambled to hide the others on his desk upon hearing my voice. His glare and warnings to stay away reminded me of a cat that vehemently refused to be bathed.

Rui tried to block my view with his hands when I approached, but it was easy to move them out of the way and keep them in place against his struggles. The few daisies that were set aside all had flattened or twisted stems. I guess he was gripping them with too much strength and couldn't tie them effectively because of that.

I was about to offer to teach him how it's done when he cut me off and asked that I let go of his arms. Once I did, Rui got up and we made our way down to get lunch. I also apologised to him since he was massaging his arms quite a bit after that.

Actually, now that I think about it, Rui had a snowglobe on his desk by the daisies just now which was never there before. Was it the same one I'd given to him some months ago? I don't recall ever seeing it in his room till today. He doesn't display many decorative ornaments in his room in the first place, so it caught my eye before I had my attention drawn to what he was doing. Honestly, I assumed in the back of my mind that he put it away somewhere or thrown it out all this while.

I wonder why he had such a sudden change of heart. I should ask him next time.

I heard a knock on my door while I was changing into my nightclothes and was pleasantly surprised to see Rui when I opened it.

With how seriously he spoke, I don't think anyone would've been able to guess the next words out of his mouth. He curtly asked if I could teach him how to tie flower stems together all while his irises swayed unsteadily from side to side.

I think it goes without saying what my answer was. I told him to look for me whenever he was ready and his lips curled slightly into a restrained smile when he thanked me.

I didn't think he'd like the flower crown that much. Actions really speak louder than words.

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After eating lunch, Rui and I went to his room and I started teaching him how to tie flower stems together.

His main issue is really his grip strength. I think he's used to making contraptions with parts that aren't tender like flowers, so he pinches them too hard when tying them together and it ruins the stems of the more fragile flowers. I think I spent most of our remaining break reminding him to relax and just prodding his tense fingers whenever he's holding them.

It was fun watching him concentrate up close today. I'm sure he'll get the hang of it in no time.

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I was back in Rui's room today for his flower-tying session.

He's been making good progress from yesterday, but sometimes he'd accidentally put a little too much force into his fingers and squash the stems in his hand at the last minute just before he loops them together. Still, he's determined to master this by tomorrow and he's well on track to making that happen.

While I was playing with the other flowers on Rui's desk, he suddenly asked that I accompany him to the steakhouse I like tomorrow for dinner as part of the favour he mentioned last week.

I was a little confused when I heard that. I thought that his request to teach him how to tie flowers together was the favour he'd mentioned last week, but apparently I was wrong. Rui clarified that this and that were separate matters, and said that the steakhouse meal (which I'll pretend is a date for myself) balanced the scales better. I accepted his terms, but also mentioned that these tutoring sessions should also count against the last remaining favour over me. Rui paused in the middle of looping the daisies in his hands together to ponder over this and his verdict was that it wasn't enough. It counted for 'three fourths of a favour at best' according to him, so I offered to teach him how to make a flower crown to put that to rest. But he refused. He said that he'll think of something in the coming days and let me know when he's decided.

It's strange to have to split hairs over something like this, but I'm not entirely opposed to it.

I also asked Rui why he'd suddenly put the snowglobe out on his desk recently. He only turned away and said that it was good for keeping his papers down, and left it at that.

I think we both know that he wasn't being completely honest with that response. But I can wait for the day he feels ready to tell me the truth.

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I have to make this quick since I need to get ready for afternoon patrol, but Rui knocked on my door this morning to show off the the tiny daisy armlet he'd successfully made on his own. While I was impressed that he made good on that promise to master this mundane ability, it also begged the question of how long he spent practising from yesterday till morn. I asked him when he'd made this and he dodged the question, saying that it wasn't the point he was making.

I'll just hope that he doesn't doze off too often today. We'd agreed to meet directly at the steakhouse later since I'll be out for the rest of the afternoon, so it wouldn't be very nice if he slept through the evening and left me waiting.

But still, I can't wait for evening. It's been a while since I last talked with the steakhouse's kindly madame too, so I might head over earlier to catch up with her.

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As I take my pen to this page, I have to say that I truly enjoyed this evening. Rui and I enjoyed our food and the lovely madame was as kind as I remember. She even gave us free sides of roast potatoes on top of what we'd ordered. Naturally, I ate Rui's share, so I'm still absolutely stuffed as I write this entry. When we left the steakhouse, Rui even asked to hold my hand to get me to 'fulfill the remaining one fourth of a favour' I owed. What more could I ask for?

But as pleasant as this outing was, I've also learnt something that... nags at me. I'm not too sure if that's the right way to phrase this at the moment, but I feel a burning need to ruminate over this information I've now become privy to.

I went to the steakhouse as soon as I completed my rounds and arrived before Rui did. With some time to spare, I chatted with the madame while waiting for him. She was surprised I had company today, so I told her that Rui was on his way and mentioned the fact that he'd apparently eaten there once before.  With the gentlest of smiles, the madame said that she was glad that she could see Rui again.

I didn't think too much of it at first. Rui arrived shortly after and the madame began preparing the slab of meat to be roasted. Once it was ready, she sliced it up into bite-sized portions, seasoned them, and arranged them on the platter with practiced skill with a handful of vegetables on the side. As my teeth sank into the tender meat effortlessly, I felt my stomach growl once more, demanding for more right away. Rui and I fell into our familiar rhythm of eating and talking while also occasionally recounting to the madame some of the more interesting tales we had to share. She was always a soft-spoken but attentive listener, and with the two of us being the only patrons this evening, we were able to share some more private details too. She giggled when I brought up that Rui was raising chickens (to his dismay), and after he shushed me and told her not to pay me any mind, she revealed that half the townspeople was already aware of the fact (to his horror). I think it suffices to say that we all had a good evening thus far.

When Rui excused himself and left to go to bathroom however, the madame's face fell. Thinking she'd been harassed by a patron again prior, I asked if she was alright. Because of her gentle demeanour, this madame would occasionally have the misfortune of receiving rowdy patrons who take advantage of her docile nature and treat her like an easy target for harassment just to amuse themselves. Thankfully, these incidents are few and far between in recent months, but I've told her before to never be afraid to open up to me if they happen again. But it wasn't about that this time.

She somberly divulged some details of the first time Rui stepped foot into the steakhouse. She said that he visited some time last year on his own and was a pleasant guest at the time. Quiet, but always polite and patient. However, owing to the recency of his pardon at the time, there were some patrons who didn't take too kindly to his presence and openly taunted and insulted him in order to rile him up and pick a fight with him. She'd tried to persuade them to stop, but they ignored her and pressed on.

Rui only shot them an expressionless glance once before ignoring them, but he eventually left after only eating half of what he'd ordered. She could tell that he was bothered by the insults and tried to apologise to him by making his meal free of charge, but he shook his head and said that it was fine, paid the correct amount, and then left. The madame regretted being unable to stand up for him at the time. He'd told her that it was no fault of hers, but she believed that she held part of the blame for the discomfort he no doubt felt back then and was sad that he may never feel comfortable to return again. Her eyes welled up with tears, but when she raised her head and looked at me again after blinking them away, I felt a chill down my spine when my eyes met hers. The sincerity in those eyes and her voice when she thanked me for supporting him all this while is something I can never forget. She said that she was happy Rui looked like he was actually happy to be there today and hoped we could come back again soon.

Right after that, Rui returned and we moved on to other topics, but the story stuck with me for the rest of the night. I tried not to dwell on it while we were still out since it felt like something Rui wouldn't want me to know about, but I couldn't help but watch him more this time around. I wanted to look for signs of distress that I might have missed before, but couldn't spot any. Rui must have noticed this since he asked if I was okay on our way back. I couldn't tell him what I learnt, but I told him I was a little fatigued from patrol duty today so that he doesn't worry too much.

But this evening made me wonder how much I still don't know about him. It also made me wonder if I'd neglected to ensure he felt comfortable in town in the early days after his release even if I understand that those are bygones now and that I can't keep admonishing myself in the present for my past actions. I know that the answer is a clear no and I have to do better, and that is why moving forward, I wish to right these wrongs in some way.

As I recall the events of today, I'm reminded of the time Rui told me he hasn't eaten in many of the eateries in town. Was it because he felt unwelcome or undeserving of doing so? I've no doubt that more than a handful of people turned him away right at their doorstep, knowing how unkind some can be. Does he refuse to expand his social circles unless necessary so that he can save himself the trouble of rejection? Perhaps the reason he traded favours for simple meals like this is because he sought the safety of my presence in order to make these small steps at opening up.

That makes me very sad if so.

But this is nothing but speculation at this point. If I want to know for certain, I have to ask Rui directly. But that begs another question: is reopening raw wounds worth the answer?

Rui is a kind and sensitive man. He keeps his emotions shut away as much as possible for some reason I don't know, but he has never lost the ability to feel as far as I can tell. I know that he is trying, however slowly, to open up and I want to be his pillar of support as he takes these small steps forward. I want to show him that regardless of the past, there are people around him who want him to live and be happy now.

I don't know if Rui's willing to or ready to listen if I told all this to him in-person. Maybe it's best that I continue looking out for him in the meantime until the perfect moment arrives. But I hope that he gains the courage to take strides towards opening up one day.

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While I was trimming my hair this morning before my run, Nene knocked on my window to get my attention. I didn't expect any visitors from either means of entry since it was early, and Nene rarely pops over this early in the day, if ever, so I thought that she'd come to report an emergency in her tribe.

As it turns out, it wasn't an emergency at all. Nene just wanted to inform me that Emu's birthday is coming soon (September 9th).

As much as I appreciated the information, I wish she'd conveyed it in a less... startling manner. While I was lucky I didn't hurt myself, the same can't be said for my hair. And I know she knows that because she was holding back her laughter terribly while apologising for the sudden visit. She told me to pass the info to Rui as well and left just like that.

I'm sure that Rui found my attempt to salvage my botched haircut amusing, too. He didn't comment on it when he stopped by to submit a report, but he turned away and shielded his mouth with the pages as soon as he saw me. There wasn't any point in keeping it a secret, so I explained what had happened to him and passed Nene's message as requested. Rui proceeded to comfort me (if you could call it that) by saying that hair grows back quickly.

Sigh. Very loud, resigned sigh.

He's not wrong, I suppose. I'll just refrain from looking in the mirror in the meantime.

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The sun today was brutal. There was not a cloud in the sky to shield us from the sun's rays. Even the chickens thought it was too much, it seems. They didn't leave the coop all day even when Rui tried to coax them out with some food (he'd did a quick check of his surroundings to make sure that no one was around to witness him making clicks and coos at the chickens, but completely missed me when he swung the other way. Adorable.). He eventually gave up and just scattered the seeds right outside the door and replenished their water before leaving.

Despite our best efforts, a few soldiers on patrol came down with dehydration and had to end their rounds earlier. Hopefully with summer ending soon, these incidents will also dwindle accordingly.

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I have been wondering what I should get Emu for her birthday. The dilemma isn't over what would she be happy with, but rather, what I should get. She would probably gasp with wonder if I gave her a piece of twine and called it a keepsake from my childhood or something.

Anyway, I asked Rui while we were on our way down to the cafeteria if he'd decided on his gift yet. He hasn't, but he was considering making a small toy with some spare parts he had lying around.

Only he could come up with an idea like that. I wish I was that creative.

I told him about the dilemma I was having and he gave me some thoughtful advice that could help me make up my mind. Emu likes just about anything, but doesn't hoard objects in excess. Something practical would be better in that regard. And she likes penguins a lot, apparently.

How did Rui find that out? I met her before they could become acquainted and I didn't know that until now. I thought he'd gotten her the penguin carving from the capital because of how humourous it appeared.

Rui also offered to give more specific recommendations in exchange for a favour, but I declined the offer for now while I was still deciding. He turned away with a huff and wished me luck in a flippant manner, which made me laugh.

I'll give this a bit more thought before deciding.

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I am in severe pain.

I woke up to a series of pecks to my temple. Just as my eyes started to clear up, the most deafening rooster crow pierced my ears and instantly dispelled all the clouds of drowsiness hanging over my mind and body. The debilitating pain left me struggling to push myself up. My ears were ringing, I could hear the crow echoing in my head, and my eyes were stinging from the pain. When I raised my head at long last, Dahlia stared back at me curiously and innocently as if she hadn't just tried to blow my eardrums out.

I couldn't believe my eyes. I looked around my room to see if the other chickens were here as well, but it was only her (him?) in my room right now. Setting aside the absolutely absurd fact that Dahlia is a rooster, I cannot for the life of me figure out how she got in. Can chickens fly three storeys? If it wasn't the window, then it had to be the door.

The door which I close every night.

Rui has to be awake now because of the crowing, right? I'll look for him first.

Rui was barely conscious when I let myself in with Dahlia in hand. He attempted to hide under the covers to avoid having to deal with me, but I wasn't having any of that. I got straight to the point and told him that someone let Dahlia into my room and that she (he?) was the rooster all along. He groaned dramatically as he slowly peeled the blankets off of himself and froze mid-way once his brain seemingly processed what I'd just said. He sprang to his feet and stare wide-eyed at the two of us. His brows were twitching and I could tell that he wanted to accuse me of taking her out of the coop but was holding himself back with everything he had because of my nightclothes. I think just about everyone here knows that I never leave the mansion in just my nightclothes.

Rui was perplexed. He ran out to the corridor to check on the coop outside and saw the other chickens roaming about in their enclosure. We went back and forth a little on the potential culprits and their possible motives but our discussion bore no fruit. We have no way of knowing who let Dahlia into my room and why unless we ask everyone later, so we decided to return to this later in the afternoon. I dropped Dahlia off in his room after that and got ready for the day.

Hopefully we'll get to the bottom of this soon. Apart from that, I'm happy to report that the ringing in my ears finally faded away. It only took an hour, but it was better than nothing.

No one could have prepared me in the slightest for everything that happened today.

I was getting ready for today's forest survey when Touya greeted me. He wasn't part of the survey troop, but it's normal for us to engage in a little bit of small talk whenever we bump into each other. Things were fine until he asked if I saw the 'surprise' in my room this morning. I asked what he meant by that and he clarified, saying that he was referring to 'the chicken'. He carried on explaining that he'd seen Dahlia sitting outside my room when he was dropping by my office to submit a report, so he opened my door quietly to let her in.

I didn't know whether to laugh at that. Does Touya know that she (he?) was the one that crowed this morning? He has not a crooked bone in his entire being, so I'm sure he bore no ill intent when he did that. But still, I could feel the onset of migraine just from hearing that. I couldn't bear to reprimand him when he said that so innocently so I told him as politely as I could to not do that again.

I think we should make a sign to let everyone know not to let the chickens into anyone's rooms. I've told Rui and he wasn't amused, to say the least.

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It's been getting a little chilly lately. Autumn is right around the corner and Rui is starting to flinch whenever the wind picks up. Hopefully the weather doesn't get too cold this season. The townspeople told me about a harrowing cold spell that occurred a few years ago which led to a poor harvest that barely sustained them for that winter, so they are extra cautious of the coming months.

I visited the sunflower farmer today and got my sunflower heads as promised. He got me two of the largest heads he had at first but then I thought it'd be a good idea to get one extra for Emu as her birthday gift, so I got three in the end. He told me in jest to save some seeds for the rest of the troop and I laughed a little while agreeing with him. I'm only going to share them with Rui and Emu (and maybe Nene) but that should count for something. The soldiers can get their own sunflower seeds if they really wanted. I quite like these.

From what I remember, Emu seems to eat just about anything, so I just need to make the necessary preparations for us to enjoy some tasty roasted sunflower seeds together.

Rui was in the backyard tending to the chickens when I got back. When he turned and saw me, his face morphed into pure puzzlement at the sight of the sunflower heads in my arms. I showed them off to him and told him that one of them is his. Upon hearing that, he frowned in confusion and asked why. I guess he forgot about the conversation we had last month about the sunflower farmer. Rui finally remembered after I recounted that discussion we had, and I couldn't help but smile when I told him to look forward to having some delicious sunflower seeds to snack on tomorrow.

In hindsight, it was arrogant of me to make such a baseless declaration. Even Rui remarked as much, saying that I sounded awfully confident considering there's no telling how he'd react tomorrow. And it's true.

But there was something about these flowers that put a skip in my step. Perhaps it was my joy at finally getting fresh sunflower seeds to snack on, or maybe it was because I found the answer I needed for Emu's birthday gift. Or maybe it was the thought that I could share something I liked with Rui. I can't say for certain which reason triumphed over the rest. All of them feel equally responsible for my mood.

It was difficult holding myself back from the raws eeds as I picked them out. They are now soaking in two bowls of salt solution (one is for me). I can't wait to start roasting them tomorrow.

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I may not be a professional, but I think I cook just fine for the few recipes I do know.

The gentle aroma of the seeds was mouthwatering and I just had to crack a few of them to eat after I was done roasting the first batch. Rui walked in on me snacking on them and asked warily if they tasted that good. Naturally, I had to prepare his share to prove it.

I tossed a handful of seeds into the pan and chatted with him while stirring the seeds once in a while. He brought up that sunflower seeds were rarely sold fresh in the capital unless the eatery owner grew the flowers themselves (and even then, they usually reserve those for their own menu). He was unimpressed watching the seeds in the pan and dryly commented on the lack of extra ingredients and how 'a little bit of salt and heat wouldn't do much to transform a seed into a seed'. It didn't sound like he's ever gotten a quality batch to try, which is a pity.

I asked how his gift for Emu was coming along and from the sounds of it, it's going to be spectacular. He's almost done with his wind-up penguin for her and just needed to do some final adjustments to its mechanism. I told him about my plan to roast sunflower seeds for Emu and said that he could join us if he'd like. It didn't have to be a very elaborate get-together. We could just sit around a fire and have a chat while eating, maybe have a nice dinner too while we are at it.

When the seeds were ready, I gave them a final toss before pouring them out onto a small dish to cool. Rui crouched down and stared at them with a blank expression. I wonder what he was thinking about back then. I like to think that he was waiting for the seeds to spring to life and perform a dance or song, anything that could convince him that they were worth the wait. I started eating a few of my seeds while watching him. He poked at them a few times before picking one out to de-shell. He probably hasn't de-shelled a sunflower seed in a long time since he took a while to free the seed from its shell. After he transferred the seed to his mouth, he chewed slowly and carefully, his frown deepening as he tried to comprehend the flavour filling his mouth. His eyes roamed all around the room, never landing on any one spot. But whenever they landed on me, they would widen just slightly before hastily starting a new course elsewhere in the room. It was a little amusing, honestly.

A soft gulp from his throat signalled that he was done eating, and I asked for his verdict. It wasn't bad, apparently. Not mind-bogglingly delicious, but he could understand the appeal. He didn't shy away from having more, which was the best compliment I could ask for. He took the seeds with him when he excused himself to check on the chickens so I roasted the remainder of the seeds after that.

In the meantime, I watched Rui feed the chickens from the window and found a spare jar in the pantry to store the newly-roasted seeds for him. I realised after heading out that he was chewing on some seeds himself while tossing the shells one by one over the fence for the chickens. The chickens were all crowded to his right, waiting impatiently for more grub and in hindsight, I think they realised after a few throws that Rui had food in his right hand, and were vying for an opportunity to nab them.

...Which I gave to them by accident.

When I called out to Rui, he turned and the chickens lept up at him instantly, startling him into dropping whatever was left in his hands. I couldn't help but laugh at Rui's bewilderment as the chickens paid him no mind and continued pecking at the fallen seeds around his feet. I handed the jar to him while struggling to contain my laughter and told him between laughs that he could always feed them to the chickens if he's unable to finish them.

Ah, what a hilarious start to the morning.

Rui sulked for the rest of the morning and only talked to me again after he dumped the extra large serving of bell peppers he'd requested from the kitchen's madames on my plate.

Chapter Text

I met Nene today to negotiate arrangements for Emu's birthday. Their tribe will spend the entire day on the 9th celebrating Emu's birthday, so we will have to set aside the 8th or 10th for the get-together instead. From what I know, the tribe's traditional celebration for adults spans the full day and includes friendly duels between the birthday boy or girl and fellow tribe members as well as a communal hunt led by the birthday boy or girl themselves, so I'd rather Emu enjoy her day without me or Rui interrupting the events lined up for her.

Nene agreed to help me secure Emu's availability for us to celebrate together at no cost (what a saint), so I'll do my part to prepare the necessary tools for cooking that day. We also agreed that it would be better to just have dinner together that day, so I'll need to procure the ingredients needed for a hearty roast as well. Some of the misses at the market today mentioned that the fishermen should be arriving to sell their catches soon, so I'll be on the lookout in the coming days for them. Nene said that she and Emu will procure some fresh meat (in other words, hunt) that day, so I'll focus on getting everything else (bread, vegetables, and seafood, off the top of my head).

Before we parted ways, Nene asked me to find out if Rui will be joining us so that she can determine how much meat is needed that day ('He never puts anything green in his mouth,' she said). I haven't informed him about the change in plans, so I'll invite him again later when he returns from the mayor's.

Rui returned to the mansion at sunset so I went to his room right as he was putting away his bag. To my surprise, he said yes almost immediately after I was done explaining the new plans we've got. In fact, he volunteered to procure the equipment needed to set up the outdoor firepit. All that's left now is to meet Nene tomorrow to let her know he's coming, and to find out when exactly we'll be meeting.

While Rui was speaking, I spotted some sunflower seed shells on his desk, right by the jar I'd handed to him yesterday. Based on the number of shells, I'm guessing that he's eating half the number of seeds I do in a day. He said that they were good to munch on while he's focusing on his tasks even if the shells were difficult to peel (and they are).

I'm glad that he likes them, and I told him as much before returning to my office.

When it comes to Rui, I feel that his actions really speak a lot louder than his words do. While I'm always excited to see what his immediate reaction to anything is, I'm reminded time and again to remain patient and observe carefully for the changes to his routine behaviour that he doesn't make a show of. The oft overlooked gems to the untrained eye, so to speak. Those little actions make up the true reward for my efforts to me. No one could understand the amount of joy I derive from these seemingly insignificant actions.

If I could get drunk on this feeling, then I'm afraid I might never again return to being sober.

Chapter Text

Nene chastised me for running out in the rain just to meet her when she could've looked for me at the mansion herself. I couldn't help it. I didn't want to keep her waiting in case she was at our agreed meeting point by the creek in the forest. She sighed and lent me her cloak and told me to get back quick before I catch a cold.

Emu agreed to dinner on the 8th and I've told Rui as much. Unfortunately, the fishermen didn't arrive at the market today so I'll need to keep my eyes peeled for tomorrow and the morning of the 8th. If I have to purchase all of the food the day of for maximum freshness, I'll most definitely encounter some trouble carrying everything back to the mansion, so I asked Rui for his help in case that happens. Unlike Nene, he wasn't as saintly and negotiated for a favour for his help, so I am back to owing him one if the fishermen don't turn up tomorrow.

Speaking of Rui, I've been hearing some tinkering noises from his room today. He hasn't spoken about making new devices lately apart from Emu's penguin and he didn't emerge from his room all day except to eat.

A marked improvement from before, but still.

Ah, that reminds me. It's a rare (and rather expensive) commodity these days, but I'd like to look for some butter tomorrow at the market. I heard that adding it to freshly roasted sunflower seeds makes it a lot more flavourful. I'd love to give this a try if possible to verify the truth of that advice.

Chapter Text

Unfortunate news: I now owe Rui a favour.

I don't think I've ever seen his lips curl into a smile as quickly as it did when he spotted me returning with nothing but a slab of butter the size of an egg wrapped in some cloth all the way from the backyard. If I didn't know any better, I'd be mesmerised by the sight, I'm sure.

Well, there's no turning back time, is there? I hope he's ready to get up at 5 tomorrow.

Chapter Text

It should go without saying that Rui was not amused when I swung his door open at 5am sharp to wake him up. It was a struggle prying the blankets out of his grasp, but my efforts won out in the end and we headed for the market at half past 5.

Rui was silent the entire way there. I think he was too tired to carry a conversation at the time, but it was honestly a blessing in disguise for me. I don't think I was capable of engaging in any talk big or small at the time since I was trying to come up with contingencies in case there was no seafood to be had today.

Thankfully, my fear was unfounded. The fishermen were unpacking their goods when we arrived and we managed to snatch a fine mackerel and a few pounds of shrimp and mussels for tonight. We also bought a few loaves of bread and a handful of onions, squash, and artichokes. We put the seafood into a separate basket from the bread and vegetables and headed back right away so that I could prepare the greens beforehand. Along the way, I suddenly remembered that we needed firewood to get a fire going, but Rui said there was no need. He said we were going to use charcoal instead with a device he put together recently.

I was intrigued, of course. After we put the food down in my room, we went to his room where he showed me the device in question. It looked like a simple pot with no lid. It was only slightly taller than it was wide (up to my knee if we were generous) and the charcoal, he said, is lit inside. A gridiron is placed atop of its open mouth and once it's sufficiently warm, the food can be placed on the gridiron to cook. For smaller ingredients that could fall between the gaps, he had a long iron plate could be used instead. It being portable and easy to set up meant that we could spend less time on preparing the fire and more time eating together. He also fashioned a few tools for picking up the food without burning our hands. One of them looked like a sugar nip but with larger claws at the ends instead. All in all, remarkable.

I'm excited to see the device in action later. Rui never ceases to amaze me.

We've just returned from dinner with Emu and Nene and I have to say, I'm absolutely bloated.

Rui carried the equipment and a few of the lighter ingredients plus his gift while I carried the other food. We met Emu and Nene at the forest entrance and they led us to the creek deeper in which they chose for us to dine at. It took a while to get the charcoal burning, but there was never a dull moment to speak of. Emu began drooling upon catching a whiff of the pungent fishy odour from the seafood in my hands and she would've sunk her teeth into the mackerel if it weren't for Nene holding her back by the collar. Once we were seated, Rui unveiled the clockwork penguin for Emu and she was absolutely enamoured by the bird's waddling and dancing.

After the equipment was set up, I got to work roasting the sunflower seeds so that we could have something to munch on while waiting for the vegetables and meat to cook later. Nene and Emu slaughtered one of their junglefowl and a wild boar for tonight, so there was plenty of meat to go around. Since it's been a while since our last hangout, we shared a bit more about our trip to the capital while Nene and Emu told us how their tribe has been faring. One of the older members of their tribe gave birth to a healthy baby girl some time in August, so they've been busy taking turns caring for the newborn. In fact, they are going to celebrate the child's 'first moon' in two weeks. It's a tradition in which the tribe showers the newborn's family with an assortment of gifts and enjoys a feast on the night of the baby's first full moon after they are born. They also put up performances for the family to watch in the day. From what I've heard, it's a very sacred day for them. Things get hectic when a child is born just days before the next full moon, and children who are born on nights with a full moon are considered lucky because they get to see two full moons in their first month of life.

A new addition to any family is always a welcome one, in my opinion. I asked them to pass my congratulations on to the child's parents.

I managed to make Rui eat a few pieces of onion and artichokes somewhat forcefully. We finished all of the meat and bread (Emu was giddy with joy from stuffing herself with all the mussels and shrimp we procured) but not the vegetables, so I insisted Rui finish up the remaining few slices of onion and artichoke. Still, he refused. Nene badgered him for a bit, throwing harmless insults at him for being 'more childish than a spoiled brat' and he finally relented, somewhat furiously, only after I agreed to his deal to let the chickens eat the leftover squash in return. Rui made sure to complain about how bad the onions and artichokes tasted on our way back after cleaning up. I knew to expect this from him, but it was still funny listening to his tirade about how raw they tasted despite my attempts to enrich their flavour with good seasoning.

Oh, right. At some point while I was flipping the ingredients, a stray cat dropped by and sat by the cooker for a while. I guess it was enjoying the warmth produced by the device. Its eyes followed every cooked ingredient that left the gridiron, but it never once swiped at the cooked food. It did lick any oil or bits that fell onto the grass, though. The cat did its own investigation of our raw ingredients, sniffing at each bag and ingredient in sight. Once it was satisfied, it swiped a piece of raw boar meat and walked away and we never saw it again tonight. Nene and Emu said that they see it occasionally. It's quite friendly towards the tribe's children and plays with them if they initiate.

It was peculiar but endearing. I'm not too sure what colour its fur was because it was so dark, but its coat should be one of the lighter colours. I hope it doesn't have fleas.

While waiting for the device to cool so that we could carry it back, the four of us started stargazing and talking about the constellations we knew. Nene and Emu remember call the constellations I know by slightly different names (they call the Pleiades 'the Blue Children' and simply calls Taurus 'the bull'), so we played a little game where we'd point out constellations and guess what the other calls them.

But all good things must come to an end. Emu was getting sleepy and she needed to be ready early tomorrow for her birthday celebration, so we had to leave shortly after. Apart from his complaints about having to eat some vegetables tonight, Rui seemed like he had a good time, too. I told him that I''d have considered something similar for his birthday if it weren't for the visit to the capital. Instead of looking annoyed or perplexed, he remained silent for a moment before chuckling and saying that he'd like that.

I almost dropped the bowls and utensils in my hands when I heard that. His voice was a little hesitant, but I could see the traces of the smile on his lips. He wasn't raring to take those words back either. I told him we could arrange for that and joked that I'll still make him eat his fair share of vegetables that day for his health.

Rui grumbled at that last bit. He protested, saying that he should be allowed to do whatever he wanted on his birthday, but he also said that he'll hold me to my word.

A wonderful dinner that was. I don't know if I could outdo this for Rui's birthday next year, but I suppose I'll never know until I try.

Chapter Text

Strange news from the coop today.

While Rui was cleaning the coop, he found an egg.

A green egg.

He took it out to examine it because he was convinced that it was a sign of disease and showed it to me this morning, but as far as I could tell, it looked very much like the chicken eggs I'm familiar with. Well, apart from the fact that it's green.

We asked Touya and he said that it looked fine to him. Apparently chickens can lay green eggs very rarely?

Odd.

But more importantly, one of the chickens is now laying eggs. Rui is unsure about keeping more chickens at the moment (his words, not mine) so he made a fried egg out of this one 'to make sure that it isn't diseased'...?

I don't know if that's the best way to confirm if an egg is bad or not, but he didn't fall ill after that so maybe it was alright after all like Touya said? Rui said that the egg tasted like egg, so I guess that meant it was okay.

Chapter Text

While on my morning patrol, I saw a cat dash across me to hide in an alleyway.

I looked into the alley to see where it was and caught it peeking out from behind some sacks. It had a black and white coat and a distinct patch of black fur over its right eye. It eyed me with suspicion, seemingly poised to run away if I took a step closer to it.

It reminded me a little of Rui back when he was first released from his cell. He made sure to stay as far from me as possible whenever he saw me. It led to a few awkward, yet hilarious situations where he would openly wince at the sight of me and take a massive detour just to avoid me when we crossed paths in town.

I try not to dwell too much on the past. Happy memories are meant to be treasured, of course, but reminiscing too much can bring about harm instead. But when done in moderation, the past reminds me how much things have changed, as well as how much more change there is for me to look forward to in the future that lies ahead.

Chapter Text

Rui found two more green eggs today.

He put up a small basket by the fence so that he could place any eggs he found in it and let anyone take them. I suppose this was better than him trying to eat them every time a new egg is laid. It was also raining this morning when Rui went out to check on the coop, though. I got him a towel so he could dry himself off when he returned and told him to wait for the rain to stop before going out now since it's almost autumn and the weather's getting colder. He sighed and said that he knew that already. Rui didn't elaborate past that, but he looked like he had something on his mind. I think he's worried about the hen but didn't want to admit it out loud. When I told him that it's okay to be worried about his pets' welfare since he's raising them, Rui's eyes widened in shock, as if he'd been caught red-handed with his hand in the cookie jar. He snapped his head to the side with a huff, declared that the conversation was over and hastily headed down the corridor

I saw him sneeze before he went up the stairs, so I hope he's not coming down with a cold from going out in the rain.

Actually, he did go out in the rain a few days ago too, right? That can't be good.

I made some lavender tea for Rui just in case and brought it to him. He was a little confused at first and asked who the tea was for when he saw it in my hands. Even when I told him it was indeed for him, he seemed a little perplexed still and his lips parted for a moment, but he opted not to say whatever it was that came to his mind. He accepted the tea and thanked me for bringing it to him 'even if it wasn't necessary'.

I'm glad he didn't reject it. I hope the tea helps even a little bit.

Chapter Text

While I was on afternoon patrol, one of the elderly gentlemen in town burst out laughing at the sight of me and told me that a cat was tailing me.

This cat was orange with white paws, but I don't recall seeing it before today. I thanked him for inforning me about it and continued my patrol for the day. Whenever I stopped to talk to someone, it would rub its cheek against my leg or lie by my feet until I resumed my patrol. Its affectionate nature made me wonder if it belonged to someone in town. It didn't leave until I finished up my shift and made my way back to the mansion, so I guess it has a home to return to.

Rui is more reserved than most, but I wonder if he's as expressive as that cat was when he's on his own.

...I can't imagine it. All the images of Rui conjured in my mind felt like completely different people altogether.

Chapter Text

Rui approached me in the morning to tell me that I was brewing my lavender tea wrongly.

He said that the water I used was too hot and that it shouldn't be boiling when I pour it into the cup. I think my confusion was apparent on my face because he sighed at the end of his critique and told me to wait while he retreated into his room. A moment later, he emerged with two sachets of lavender in his palm and asked me to follow him.

Rui led me to the kitchen where he lit the fire and filled a pan with water. He set the pan over it and waited for it to come to a boil. In the meantime, he asked me to prepare the teacups. Once the bubbles began to appear, he called for me to watch carefully. He blew out the fire, removed the pan, and waited for the bubbles to go away. Then, while pouring the water into the cups, he explained that the flavour gets bitter when the water is too hot, so tea always needs water that's close to but not boiling.

Once the lavenders were sufficiently steeped, Rui pushed one cup towards me and told me to drink up. He brought the other cup to his lips without hesitating and nodded to himself, presumably for making a tea that suit his fancy. I blew on the surface twice before taking a sip and the flavour was indeed better. The floral taste was more apparent, and the bitterness I thought was central to the appeal of tea was overpowered by the smooth lavender. It was really delicious.

I thanked Rui for teaching me the right way to enjoy tea and asked how he knew this trick out of curiosity. I think just about everyone around me prepares tea the way I do. But I shouldn't have asked that question. Rui looked away with a pained smile upon hearing that. Just as I was about to take it back and change the subject, he let out a hefty sigh and said that the former prime minister (...he still calls him 'the prime minister', it seems) taught him a few weeks after he was first taken in by the man.

Even though I hold no regret for my part in his arrest, this was a reminder to me that even the most cruel people held their close ones dearly. He may have been hostile towards me for his motives, but it's apparent that he was the closest thing to a parental figure to Rui for many years. And who knows how many other family and friends were affected by his imprisonment, and how.

If my family were to be torn apart, I would be enraged. I would weep. I would be bitter. In time, I might learn to cope with the loss, but even then, my heart would mourn for those days when we were together still. That's just how grief works.

Rui took a gulp of his tea and told me to finish mine before it cools and headed out. The cup he left behind was half-full, but it was warm.

Chapter Text

Autumn is right around the corner.

The maples and oaks starting to yellow and the wind is getting chilly. Rui has been grumpier than usual while bundled up in his coat and scarf. He looks cute with his cheeks flush and his chin tucked deep in his scarf, but he definitely wouldn't like it if I said that.

I need to take care during this transition to autumn lest I fall ill again like the last time.

Chapter Text

I told Rui that I'll be taking the day off tomorrow to exterminate bugs with Dahlia.

His face scrunched in disapproval, but a deal's a deal. The creepy crawlies have been making their way indoors as the weather cools and I've had just about enough of seeing them scuttle away in the corridor.

Now that I think about it, I'm curious to know which of the chickens is the hen. Maybe I could catch a glimpse of it in the coop tomorrow when I pick Dahlia up. Also, one of the staff or soldiers has been diligently picking up the eggs Rui takes out. I'm glad someone out here is enjoying them.

Chapter Text

I shouldn't pick favourites, but Dahlia is my favourite out of all the chickens.

She doesn't scream at me for existing and she likes to spend time with people, so she would sneak into the mansion once in a while to the delight of everyone who sees her. Despite commanding such attention, she's wholly oblivious to how adorable she is, and that only makes her all the more endearing.

By the time I approached the gate to the coop this morning, she was already running towards me and clucking in what I assume was excitement. How could anyone not love her?

Anyway, I carried her into the mansion and brought her to every room here to hunt for bugs. I would put her down and let her explore the room and peck every surface in sight while doing my own (horrifying) search of the area for any bugs hiding in the nooks and crannies she missed. The good thing about chickens is that they eat anything they can fit in their beaks. Whenever I saw a spider lurking on its web high up in the corner, I would lift Dahlia up so that she could eat it while I closed my eyes and peeked back to check that it's gone whenever I felt her move in my hands. I exchanged greetings with everyone we passed - the maids, the soldiers, and the kitchen's madames, and they all made sure to greet Dahlia too. Some of them would pet her too, and we would ease into a quick conversation that way.

I went down to the cafeteria with Dahlia in tow when it was lunchtime. While eating with Rui I let her roam the area and I saw a number of soldiers feeding her scraps under their tables. Rui sighed at the sight and said that she's going to become the roundest rooster in existence. Honestly, the thought of that was quite appealing and it made me laugh a little. We spent some time watching her waddle from table to table before Rui got up to put away his dishes. He reminded me to bring her back to the coop by 6 before heading out to the backyard, presumably to check on the other chickens too.

I actually took a nap while waiting for Dahlia here. There wasn't many rooms left by this point, so I figured there was no harm letting her roam the floor a little longer. When I woke up, she was seated on the table watching me and I couldn't resist reaching out and petting her. She's just too adorable.

The last stop for the day was Rui's room. His room was a mess, as expected, so I had to pick up the papers strewn all over the floor before Dahlia could get to work. Rui whined about how 'there's an order' to the mess in his room, which just meant to me that only he knows what's going on with it. While pecking around under Rui's bed, Dahlia suddenly let out a whistle and stumbled a little. I felt my heart stop at the sound thinking it was a cry for help and scrambled to pull her out, but Rui burst out laughing behind me and told me to stop between gasps for air. Apparently, she was just sneezing and that's how chicken sneezes sound like. I repeated what he'd said to myself, still not fully comprehending his words. I couldn't believe it, but the disbelief on my face only made Rui laugh so hard that he began wheezing.

Eventually, she emerged from the darkness looking her usual self. It seems like there was a lot of dust under his bed because she continued sneezing in my arms for a while before stopping. I watched in amazement as her feathers fluffed up each time she did. I never would've thought that birds could sneeze like humans. It was really cute. Rui had already recovered from his laughing fit by this point and I could hear the gentle smile in his voice when he voiced his agreement. He lifted Dahlia out of my grasp and ran his hand down the back of her head and off the side a few times before plopping her back into my hands. The look he had while his eyes were on her was full of love, just like a parent who was cradling the child in their arms.

He really should smile more. It always leaves me breathless, and I can never tire of it. I couldn't resist bringing my hand to his head to stroke his hair after seeing all that. Rui stilled at the contact and averted his gaze while I gently ran my fingers down his bangs. There was faint colour to his cheeks when I retracted my hand and I chuckled a little when he looked me in the eye with a frown, all while still biting his lip. Before I left, I told him not to bite his lip too much lest it bleeds. He didn't respond, but I'm sure he heard me loud and clear.

It's unfortunate that I couldn't spend more time with Dahlia like this, just playing with her and spoiling her rotten. I couldn't bear to part with her so soon even though I knew very well that she's always a stone's throw away from the mansion. I perched her on top of the fence and stood by her side, watching the other chickens run about until she hopped off the fence to head back into the coop.

I miss her already. I wish I could do this every day.

Chapter Text

While heading down to start today's drills, Rui and I heard a loud commotion coming from the backyard.

A couple of soldiers were huddled up on one end, telling each other to shush. They jolted in unison when I called out to them. Right at that moment, a cat sprang out from the huddle, startling everyone in the vicinity as it dashed towards the coop.

Rui panicked, of course. And who wouldn't? He was about to leap over the fence in an effort to rush to the chickens' aid when the most hysterical screeches and yowling rang out from the coop. We watched to our amazement as Layton, Pickles, and Richard drove the intruder out of the coop. The cat lept over the fence in order to evade the chickens but instead of running past us, it ran straight for me and scrambled up my legs and arms until it finally settled on my shoulder. Its claws dug painfully through my clothing and the wounds drew a bit of blood afterwards. Rui said that it was shivering at the time, so I think the chickens really gave it a good fright. I could also feel its frantic breathing against the back of my head. After a while, I felt an excruciating pain on both sides of my head as the cat's front paws slowly latched onto it while hissing at the rest. I was at its complete mercy and I couldn't shake it off if I wanted to keep my head intact. We debated for a moment what the best course of action was and ultimately decided to head indoors first. The cat was probably terrified by the chickens (which were staring at it menacingly. Or maybe they were staring at me) so it might be easier to coax it down once they were out of sight.

The cat only dug its claws in whenever someone tried to approach me, so Rui and the soldiers went to the kitchen to get some food to lure it down. It finally lept off my shoulder after someone brought a sausage out for it to nibble on. Aching shoulder and head aside, I finally had a good look at the cat and realised that it was quite possibly the same cat I saw a few days ago with orange fur and white feet.

While it gleefully gnawed at the sausage, I started questioning the soldiers. Apparently, the cat followed them to the mansion and wouldn't go away even when they tried to shoo it, so they played with it in the backyard to tire it out. They dangled a piece of twine before it and it lept and swiped at it several times until one of them decided to hold the cat up. That's when things went downhill and it started struggling against his grasp. The four of them surrounded it to hold it down and were trying to figure out where to bring it without me noticing when Rui and I spotted them.

The soldiers were clearly repentant, so I punished them by giving them double the patrol shifts for the rest of the year. Just something light for something so minor.

Afterwards, I asked one of the maids to help guide the cat outdoors so that it could return to wherever its home was. Then, Rui and I headed to my room so that he could take a look at the scratches on my shoulder and dress them. I think he was a little nervous about treating wounds in such an odd place (they are closer to the base of my neck) because he fumbled a little with the medical supplies and took a while to dress them. He said that the wounds needed some time to close up and told me to leave them exposed for the rest of the day, so I ditched my shirt for the day to comply.

It felt a little odd leading drills while half-dressed. The scratches were still stinging when I went to take my bath, but the pain faded by the time I rinsed myself off. I bumped into Rui on my way back to my room and he was quite startled to see that I was still not wearing a shirt. I assured him that I'll definitely put on my full nightclothes before turning in for the night if he'd check the wounds one last time. I like cool weather, but the temperature at night is actually cold for me, so I'd prefer to be clothed in bed if possible. He stepped around me and ran his thumb across the wounds gently before giving me the okay to finally put on my shirt for the night.

I'm glad I don't have to be cold tonight. I hope the cat got home safely.

Chapter Text

The cat is back and it's sunbathing by the front entrance as if it always belonged here.

The maid who helped it leave yesterday said that she saw to it that the cat walked towards the forest before returning indoors and I trust her, but this means that the cat came back for some reason. I asked Rui if he knew anything about it, but judging from his bewildered frown, he didn't. I think the cat really came back on its own.

I crouched before it and stretched my hand out. After a while, it opened its eyes and gave my palm a few inquisitive sniffs. The cat proceeded to yawn and close its eyes again, not caring to entertain me further. I gently placed a finger on its head and it didn't budge, so I think it wouldn't mind if I touched or petted it.

I told Rui that I'll lead the cat back to the town square and he told me to make it quick. He was probably worried that it was interested in hunting down the chickens, which is a fair concern in my view. I took a few sticks of jerky from the kitchen with me and went returned to the cat which was still sunbathing sleepily. I honestly wouldn't mind keeping it if it didn't have a home, but I don't think Rui would like it. Before I could even hold the jerky above it, it snapped its eyes open and looked up at me expectantly. Once I revealed the jerky, it started pawing at the strip of meat, clearly eager for some tasty grub. I led the way to the town square slowly with jerky that was always out of reach of the cat's agile swipes and leaps. When we reached the well, I dropped the jerky onto the cobble at last. It pounced on the meat immediately and wasted no time nibbling at it.

After returning to the mansion and making sure that it hadn't followed me back, I assured Rui that the cat was gone and he just said 'good' before heading down to tend to the chickens.

Not the best start to the morning, but definitely not the worst.

Why is the cat back again?

And why was it lying by the bottom of the stairs?

I was on my way back from my bath when I saw a strange but familiar patch of orange at the stairs. When I approached it, it revealed its head and looked at me, meowed once, and then rolled on its back.

...I don't think I should tell Rui today.

I got a few pieces of jerky to lure it up to my room and it gleefully followed after me the entire way. It's now here with me, playing with the dog plush Saki made for me. It's hard for me to believe that this cat is a stray, but I'll try to let it out again before Rui notices it.

Chapter Text

I felt something warm by my arm when I woke up and saw the cat curled up against me. I remember it was still playing with the dog doll in the dark after I blew out the lights last night so I expected to wake up to see all my belongings strewn all over the place. But nothing has been misplaced apart from the dog doll on the floor. A pleasant surprise to start the morning with. 

The cat stretched its legs before tucking them close to its belly. It's cute, but I need to get changed soon if I want to avoid getting caught by Rui. I gave its head a quick rub and it leaned into my palm while purring with glee. My will to chase it away is getting drained with every minute I spend with it.

I think I've taken too much food from the kitchen to satisfy the cat's stomach for the past few days, so I'll try carrying it down this time. I took a peek out the window and didn't see Rui in the backyard, so this mission is going to be quite risky.

The good news is that the cat is okay with me holding it. I lifted it up and tucked it close to my chest and it didn't struggle at all. It only adjusted itself in my hold to make itself comfortable and licked its paw after that.

The bad news, though, is that we bumped into Rui on our way down the stairs.

He froze in his step upon seeing me and I could feel the cold sweat form on my temple as I watched his gaze shift to the cat.

I made a run for it before he could utter a word and stepped out to the front yard to lower it to the ground, but it climbed back into my arms instead. I tried desperately to shoo it away once more but I think it mistook my actions for a game because it lept onto my lap against my wishes. By then, Rui had already caught up to us. He demanded an explanation of course, and I told him everything I could. I tried to argue on the fly to let the cat roam the compound since it didn't want to leave while also trying to reassure him that it wouldn't harm the chickens since they've already scared it once. Besides, it would be good for hunting mice, right? Rui's frown only deepened the longer I spoke and I could only gulp while I awaited his verdict.

An excruciatingly long moment of silence later, he pointed out that the cat is a male (...in hindsight, the parts were indeed prominent) and demanded to know what I'd do if it (he?) started peeing all over the place. I didn't have an answer. I didn't know male cats liked to mark their territory with their urine. But to my surprise, Rui sighed and told me that he'll leave the decision up to me and that he can find a solution to keeping the chickens safe by himself.

I was overjoyed! Rui started rambling about something after that, but I honestly didn't catch anything he said with how excited I was. The cat got up and wandered off after that so I didn't see it for the rest of the morning. I spent most of my time figuring out what I need to provide the cat with instead of actually working, but in my defense, this qualifies as work too.

I asked Rui if we could introduce the cat (I wanted to name him Catssiopeia, but Rui made a face upon hearing that and said to reconsider, so he's still nameless for now) to the chickens properly tomorrow and get them used to each other just now. It would be in our best interests that he didn't see them as hunting targets, after all. Rui agreed to my suggestion on the condition that the cat be given away or kept strictly indoors if he so much as tried to harm them.

Please, please, please behave properly tomorrow.

On a lighter note, Rui gave me the old basket that the chickens used to sleep in (how time flies!) since the cat fits in it. As far as I know, cats usually do their business outside, so all I need is to find the perfect spot for its bed. I'll monitor it whenever I can to keep track of its favourite spots.

Chapter Text

Rui and I argued over the cat's name today.

I was okay with naming him something else, so I started calling him Catsimir. Rui overheard me in the corridor while I was calling him over (and he walked up to me!) and told me in a polite but aggressive tone to 'please come up with a better name'.

It's quite ridiculous, isn't it? I didn't make fun of his names for the chickens, so why was he being particular about Catsimir? He said that the 'cat' in the name was like 'calling a dog, 'dog' ', but it's not as if the cat's going to protest it, right? Besides, I would've named him something else if he didn't respond to it, but the fact is that Catsimir responds to both Catsimir and Catssiopeia.

Rui may have had a point when he argued that Catsimir might have been responsive to the names because he's used to people calling him 'cat' whenever they see him while he was a stray, but he lost that point in my eyes as soon as he implied that Catsimir isn't a good name.

Anyway, I took it upon myself to spread word of Catsimir's name to everyone who asked about him even when Rui openly sighs or groans at it. I've had lots of people agree with me that it's a good name, including Touya and Akito, so the name's final.

I think I should set out a bowl for Catsimir to drink his water. I don't want him to get dehydrated if he fails to get a drink while he's out. He also seems to prefer sleeping on the stairs in the day, with two legs (one front leg and one back leg) hanging off the edge. Quite the odd posture, but he seems to like it.

I think the heat of the argument made both of us forget about bringing Catsimir out to meet the chickens properly today. Oops.

I returned from my bath and saw Catsimir scratching on my door and meowing at it, presumably so he could be let in. But when I called out to him, he stopped scratching my door and approached me to rub his cheek against my legs a few times before heading for the stairs. I followed him to see where he was going, and he eventually came to a stop by one of the windows on the first floor which faces east. He tucked his feet under his body and looked up at me expectantly and I just couldn't not pet him with how adorable he looked with his big sparkly eyes. He eventually had enough of my petting and nibbled at the base of my palm lightly to get me to stop.

Catsimir didn't follow me back up to my room, which was sad. I guess he likes sleeping in that corner of the mansion for the night.

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Rui wasn't in when I stopped by his room to see if he was available to let the chickens meet Catsimir, so I went downstairs to look for him. Catsimir was gone from the spot he sat at last night, so I went out the front entrance to see if he was outside, but I didn't see any orange, pointy-eared creature no matter how far I looked. Thinking he'd gone exploring, I went to the backyard to find Rui and saw him crouched down behind the fence, glaring at Catsimir on the other side.

As I approached, he spoke up and warned Catsimir not to cross the fence. 'Or else,' he'd said. It was such a humourous scene to witness that I had to stop and continue watching them. Just as I thought he was done, Rui continued spitting out disdainful warnings at Catsimir to stay away from the coop as if he understood human language. Catsimir meowed softly at the end of his rambling and Rui cut him off with a stern 'no' as if he was understanding what his meow meant. In contrast to Rui's hostility, Catsimir was just staring blankly at him, wondering what in the world he was saying, I presume.

I have to quote what I managed to hear Rui telling him (Catsimir the cat) here because everything he said was just too funny to forget.

'Just because you got his trust doesn't mean you have mine.'

'No. Not even the eggs. You're not laying a paw on them.'

'Meowing isn't going to get you anywhere.'

'No 'meow'. Go away.'

I burst out laughing in the end and startled Rui so hard that he fell over and knocked his head on the fence and spooked Catsimir as well. His face was flush with embarrassment in an instant and he was completely flustered. He demanded to know how long I'd been there, but I couldn't answer. I was laughing too hard and couldn't breathe. Rui whined in anger and bemoaned my horrible timing and turned the other way. He told me to go away and wouldn't listen to me no matter how many times I apologised, but I suppose I didn't sound sincere enough since I was laughing to the point of choking at that point.

Meanwhile, Catsimir disappeared somewhere during our conversation and didn't return to the compound until sunset.

When I spotted Rui picking up his food at the cafeteria for lunch, he frowned at me and walked away to grab a seat with a group of soldiers on the other end of the room. Touya and Akito joined me today but I couldn't tell them why I was laughing so much even when Touya asked. I feel that Rui might actually start plotting my demise if I did.

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Rui was available in the morning, so we were finally able to supervise the chickens and Catsimir's first formal meeting to see if they could live together peacefully.

To sum up: everything went well, the chickens and Rui have nothing to worry about, and Catsimir knows very well to stay far from the coop. But Rui is not happy today.

We started by bringing Catsimir over and letting him watch the chickens from afar. Things went downhill immediately because Richard was feeling bloodthirsty today and waddled over to the fence while screaming with his wings raised. Catsimir was drawing back wide-eyed and leaning into my chest while Richard jumped up to be level with him to threaten him to leave. I tried to bring Catsimir just a bit closer to Richard to see if he'd like to try befriending the demon, but he wasn't keen to. He thrashed about in my arms, desperate to avoid Richard at all costs.

A wise decision, honestly. Rui ended up dragging Richard back into the coop and locking him in while we continued the introductions.

Dahlia was well-behaved and calm even when placed within Catsimir's reach. He leaned in to inspect her and sniffed at her comb before raising a paw to touch her.

Adorable.

Dahlia clucked in shock at the contact, but she eased up quickly and didn't panic when Catsimir pat her a couple more times.

Layton didn't really acknowledge Catsimir's presence, which was rude but better than whatever Richard did. He had to be lured out of the coop with one of the tattered sandals he refuses to let Rui throw away (his favourite one, according to Rui. With how frayed it is, I think it would cry for help if it could talk) and spent more time trying to snatch it back from Rui instead of looking at Catsimir who was watching him silently. Pickles was okay with him only because she was able to pick at his fur and eat whatever was stuck in there. Catsimir seemed to enjoy it. I think. He was shocked when Pickles first pecked at him, but seemed to understand after a few swift nips that she held no malice.

All in all, I think the chickens will be fine as long as Richard continues to unleash his fury on everything that walks the earth. Rui claimed that he wasn't fully convinced, but he did sound relieved when he declared that Catsimir proved himself 'at least' and was good to stay.

Yay.

Catsimir lept out of my arms after that and paused by Rui's feet for a moment to sniff at him. I was overjoyed to see him taking a liking to Rui. I thought this would allow Rui to warm up to Catsimir quicker since he could see for himself how friendly he was. Rui himself was stunned and unsure how to react. He looked to me and his eyes darted back and forth Catsimir and I in a silent plea for help.

But this beautiful moment between us was not to last. Catsimir heaved a few times suddenly and hacked up a hairball that landed squarely on top of Rui's foot before lying down on the grass to groom himself without a care in the world.

To say Rui was unamused was an understatement. He flicked the hairball off his foot towards me and told me to clean it up with the coldest of glares before heading to the coop to feed the chickens.

I guess there's still a long way to go. I hope he cools down soon.

It's almost half past 10 right now. While looking for Catsimir, I bumped into Rui who was on his way back to his room. He was still dressed in his work attire, strangely. I wonder where he was.

Rui said he hadn't seen Catsimir on his way back and speculated that he might return in the morning to rest. My eyes wandered to his clothes while I was chatting with him, and I noticed that he had cat fur all over his vest. I couldn't help smiling once I realised that. It made me a little more hopeful about the prospect of Rui getting along with Catsimir. He shot me a judgmental look and made a remark about my 'manic' smile before excusing himself to take his bath.

I wonder how he'll react when he notices.

Chapter Text

Rui has been using his gas heater lately, and Catsimir noticed too, apparently. Rui marched into my office in the afternoon demanding that I get 'the cat' (I reminded him that said cat has a name) out of his room. I asked why he couldn't carry him out himself and Rui turned away with a huff, saying that he was my responsibility since I was the one who brought him in.

I relented and headed over to his room to see what happened. I thought that Rui was upset because Catsimir had ruined his papers, but it turned out that the reason was a lot more benign. When I swung the door open, what I saw was Rui's room in its usual state but with Catsimir sitting right in front of his heater.

I crouched down to pet Catsimir and he purred whenever I scratched him in his favourite spots (under his chin and the back of his neck. He also lets people stroke his belly sometimes). Rui urged me to hurry and get him out, but I couldn't understand why he needed to be chased out if he didn't do anything bad. He was just enjoying the heater as far as I could tell. Rui said that he keeps trying to sneak in whenever the heater is on even after he's carried out, he rolls around on his papers when he's left alone for an extended period of time (cleaning should help solve this but Rui ignored me when I brought it up), and worst of all, he starts approaching him for attention whenever he gets bored.

I think Catsimir just wanted to play with him, but Rui wasn't having any of it. I told him that I can't control where Catsimir chooses to go and that he could turn off his heater if he wanted to reduce his encounters with Catsimir. Rui then asked why he should sacrifice his comfort to achieve that. It took everything within me to avoid pointing out that he's like a cat their preferences align closely. I just told him that cats like warmth and his heater happened to provide that. I carried Catsimir out of his room this time and we watched to see where he'd go after putting him back on his feet in the corridor. He looked up at us and started meowing in confusion. In his effort to get his demands understood, Catsimir walked over to Rui's door and sat in front of it, never once breaking eye contact with us.

Rui was so flabbergasted by Catsimir's behaviour that he raised his voice at him directly and said 'I don't have the time to entertain you while working!' Hilarious outburst aside, I tried to coax Catsimir away from the lovely heat source by bringing him out to the frontyard where he seemed to finally get the message. He ran away towards the town square after that. He meowed pitifully the entire time we spent walking down the stairs and I couldn't help but feel remorseful about denying him his innocent wish to keep warm. But Rui was satisfied with this and he thanked me curtly before retreating indoors.

I still feel bad for Catsimir. I wonder if there's anything we could do for him.

I saw Rui in the market this evening buying some leftover meat from the butcher. I approached him after he made payment and he was absolutely spooked to see me. He hid his purchase behind his back in a futile attempt to draw my attention away from it but it was already too late by then. I asked what he was buying the meat for and with a sigh, he admitted that he felt a little guilty about chasing Catsimir out and wanted to give him a treat when he returns.

I just had to ruffle his hair upon hearing that. For someone who didn't want to associate too closely with Catsimir, his actions proved the complete opposite. He's just too endearing. We headed back together and found Catsimir lurking by the entrance, so we managed to serve up the meat Rui bought for his dinner tonight.

Also, I don't know if this is just how Catsimir eats, but he meows in-between bites of his food for some reason. We wondered if it was a sign of a defect of some sorts or if it was something all cats did when they eat, but we concluded that it should be fine since he didn't have any problems eating just now.

After he'd eaten his fill, Catsimir laid on his side and began grooming his front legs diligently. He didn't finish the meat, so Rui stayed behind to pack the leftovers for the chickens' breakfast tomorrow. Just before I turned the corner on my way out, I turned back to catch a glimpse of Rui one final time and saw him crouched down with his hand hovering over Catsimir's head. If Rui wasn't shy about his affection for him, I would've turned on my heel and headed back in to encourage him. But this privacy felt like something he needed, so it would've been wrong for me to intrude.

Rui's face brightened when Catsimir stopped grooming himself to look at him after his fingers landed between his ears gently. I can't forget the way his smile spread across his face in that moment. I made my way to the stairs as quietly as I could after that with a smile that wouldn't go away.

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The weather this morning is horrid. The clouds are dark, the winds are so strong their whistling can be heard indoors, and large pools of rainwater are forming in the backyard as the sky drenched the earth relentlessly with its endless supply of rain.

For some, this weather is perfect for sleeping in. It's a little troublesome for me since I had to postpone the drill planned for this morning to the afternoon and turn my busy afternoon into a hectic one. But there is just one silver lining to this dull morning.

While returning from the bathroom, I saw Rui kneeling by the window. His arms were folded atop the ledge and his head was resting against his right elbow. He stared wistfully out the window and was so deep in thought that he didn't notice me walk by. His expression was one of longing. I assume he was yearning to go out to check on the chickens.

Rui's eyes remained focused on the storm outside the entire time. His gloomy, meditative state reminded me of a kid who was told they couldn't go play outside because of the rain. While he understood the reasons, it was clear that he was looking for a sign, any sign that the rain will stop. I'm grateful to the rain for allowing me to see Rui wear such an expression for a brief moment, but he looks much better when he's smiling and watching over the chickens he's been raising since they were chicken eggs.

For this morning, all I wish is for Rui's wish to be granted.

Miraculously, the rain stopped fully at lunchtime. Rui wasted no time going out to attend to the coop once he was sure of it.

Thank you, dear stars, for granting Rui's humble wish, and for listening to mine.

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The earthy scent from Rui's hands was unusually strong today. I guess he spent more time than usual working on his flowers this morning, but I don't recall the odour being this strong before.

Also, I have to make mention of how clean his hands are. In hindsight I should've noticed this sooner, but his hands are always spotless even though he tends to his flowers regularly and is sure to get them dirty. People usually get a little complacent after getting used to their uneventful routines and take a shortcut or two in an effort to make their activities less boring, so this is remarkable to me. I suppose in Rui's case, keeping his hands clean is necessary since he does so much in his free time.

I guess that commitment to his personal hygiene is why he's so beautiful.

Chapter Text

Nene dropped by today to take back her straw coat.

While we were chatting, Catsimir began meowing loudly and dramatically along the corridor. I told Nene about how we took him in and thought it was the perfect opportunity to introduce him to her, so we went out to look for him.

Nene's face scrunched up when I first referred to Catsimir by his name and she said right away that it was a bad name. It's a shame that she and Rui both refuse to acknowledge it for what it is - a great name befitting a fine cat.

Anyway, her reaction to seeing him was rather restrained. I thought she was just used to being around animals of all kinds, but it turned out she already knew him. She said that he lurks the forest from time to time to play and get free snacks from the tribe's food stores, and was in fact the same cat that popped by when we were celebrating Emu's birthday. He hasn't been spotted as frequently lately and some of the tribespeople were wondering if he'd found a new place to spend time at because of this.

What fate! Nene lifted him up and cradled him like a baby so that she could scratch his chin while I went over to Rui's room to relay this new piece of information to him. He was surprised at first, but said that it made sense considering how friendly Catsimir is after giving it a quick thought. Nene joined us then and released Catsimir who headed straight for Rui's heater without hesitation.

Rui tried to keep him at arm's length by holding him up but Catsimir was seemingly determined not to be stopped. His reaction to being lifted off the ground was to swing his legs as if walking mid-air would let him advance forward. Nene and I chuckled at the sight and she even remarked that she now understood why he stopped going to the forest nowadays. Rui groaned and furiously told us to take Catsimir away while he dodged his flailing paws, which Nene only did after she'd had her fill of amusement watching them.

I took her departure as a cue to return to my work, but just as I did, Rui said that he was planning to build a miniature version of his heater to draw Catsimir's attention away. He sounded nervous here for some reason. He kept his gaze down and paused whenever he needed to think of what to say next. He said that he was only doing this so that he could focus on his work better and told me to do a better job distracting Catsimir over the coming days.

Only time can tell if my efforts will live up to his standards. When I thanked Rui for being so thoughtful, he glanced briefly at me before looking away and denying it, which gave me a good laugh. His response to me telling him not to overwork himself before leaving was a single grunt, and I can only hope that he actually does so.

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While I was on my way back from my morning jog, I spotted Rui in the town square. I was about to call out to him when I realised he was speaking with a lady, so I stopped to observe them for a bit out of curiosity. They were exchanging presents and seemed quite cordial with each other. Once the exchange concluded, they thanked each other and parted ways.

When Rui began making his way back to the mansion, I took the opportunity to catch up to him and ask what he was doing. He jolted at my voice and eyed me warily as I walked up to him. He looked away with a sigh, unsure of how to answer. My heart initially sank at his reaction thinking I'd caught him at an... untimely moment, but he hastily clarified that he was just thinking of how to respond.

He first told me about the lady he'd met. She's apparently a known figure among those who grow flowers in town, and he himself sought advice from her several times before. They only meet to chat about the flowers they're growing and swap seeds for ones that they like, and today was one such occasion. They met to trade supplies. She had some flower seeds that he was interested in growing, so he gave up a portion of his lavender tea stock in return.

I didn't know that Rui was going to plant more flowers. I asked if I could accompany him tomorrow when he plants them and he was a little hesitant for some reason. He said it was fine if I really wanted to and added that they'll go to the lily patch I helped him with before.

That sounded good to me. That patch only had lily plants, so a little bit of variety would make it a lot more vibrant. He didn't tell me what seeds he was going to plant, but I'm sure they'll grow into beautiful blooms in no time with his care.

I'm glad that they were just friends. I always tell myself to put Rui's happiness before mine, to take a step back and let him find where his happiness lies, but times like these make me wish he'd look my way instead.

It's ironic, isn't it? I told myself that his happiness is mine. I've been bracing myself for the day Rui decides to leave this town behind, even. I'm always glad when I find out he's made a new friend. But there's always a part of me that holds me back from being truly happy about him getting along with someone else and taking their relationship... further. Far more than the prospect of him abandoning this town. How could I say that I wish for his happiness when I rue the day he finally finds it?

I still don't have an answer to these conflicting feelings. I'm firm on my desire to be graceful and let him seek what he desires, but I feel...

I'm afraid. And it's nauseating because I... don't want to be like this. I can't.

Chapter Text

I was excited to see how the lilies were faring this morning, but when we arrived, what I saw in their place was bare, loamy soil instead. I whipped around to see if I'd misremembered where they were, but there was no lily in sight. Seeing my confusion, Rui solemnly said that he'd given them away. A few days ago, in fact.

I was too shocked to respond immediately. Why did he have to give them away? It wasn't due to their health if he was transplanting them elsewhere, and he was planting new seeds in their place, so the land wasn't barren. So why? Rui set the trowel into the ground and sighed after I finished my piece. He explained that he gave them away to the lady he met yesterday because lilies are toxic to cats and he felt that the risk of accidental poisoning was too high for him to continue cultivating them.

I was equal parts touched and sad at his answer. Touched, because he parted with the plants he raised from bulb to bloom so that our new resident could stay with us without fearing for his life. Sad, because he had to make such a sacrifice. I can't imagine it was an easy decision to make. Rui brushed off my apologies and said that he was just doing everything in his power to prevent any tragedies from happening. He said that he knew I'd be disappointed if I found out about this, so he'd hoped to settle this quickly and quietly so that I would naturally forget about the lilies over time. He lamented the fact that I'd asked about them yesterday because he felt there was no way to avoid having to explain this once I did.

I didn't know what to say to that. I doubt Rui would've liked another apology he didn't ask for, so I stayed quiet and watched as he picked up the trowel and continued digging until he was satisfied with the hole's size. He reached into his back pocket to retrieve the pouch of seeds he'd received yesterday and tossed them in. After he closed up the hole, I tried asking what types of seeds they were, but Rui refused to tell me. He said that I'll find out when they mature, but that could mean months or even years later. Surely there's no need for me to wait that long. I tried to guess what they could be on our way back, but they were all wrong. It was also difficult since I don't know many flowers like he does.

While I was moaning in frustration, Rui fell silent for a moment and proposed a challenge. He offered to give me one chance to guess what will sprout from the seeds each day starting from tomorrow and said he'll think of a prize for me if I manage to guess right. I accepted of course, so I'll try again whenever I can.

Rui seems to be the adventurous sort who'd prefer to raise a larger variety of flowers instead of going for multiples of the same species, so I'll list the ones I know about here:

• Tulips
• Crocuses
• Roses
• Buttercups
• Camellias
• Daffodils

Here are today's guesses:

• Lavenders (I was so sure this would be right!)
• Carnations
• Asters
• Daisies (I was getting desperate)

I might need to procure a flower compendium as the days go by. I want to find out what the flowers are before they emerge from the ground at least.

Chapter Text

I couldn't do any work in the afternoon because Catsimir sat on the documents I'd laid out on my desk and fell asleep, so I went to Rui's room to review his notes from today's meeting.

I envy his penmanship. Unlike mine, it's thinner and more compact, so he fits more words into each page he uses. Between his and Mizuki's penmanship, I have to wonder if I missed out by joining the military instead of pursuing higher education. The writing masters in the capital must be excellent tutors in their craft. Maybe we could've

I was done reading after maybe a half hour. Rui was focused on preparing for our next meeting with the mayor tomorrow, so I whiled away some time by paging through his notes again, making some lavender tea for the both of us, and observing Rui discreetly. He didn't notice me staring or cracking the window open to let in some breeze, which was good. It was unbearably stuffy by mid-afternoon and he didn't even break a sweat.

I was finally able to get back to work in the evening when I saw Catsimir was gone from my office. Unfortunately, he left my papers crumpled and scattered all over my desk and floor, so I had to sort them all over again before I could pick up where I left off.

Before I left, I told Rui what my guess for today was, and he didn't even look up from his papers to say I was wrong. Looks like I'll need to try again tomorrow.

Chapter Text

The mayor received a request from a scholar from the capital to survey the forest as part of her research. He'd sought the tribe elders' permission to allow her and one additional escort from our end full access to their territory for one day (she should arrive sometime at the end of the month), so we were asked to propose candidates to fill that role.

After hearing the details, I felt that Rui was the best candidate for the job and put forward my recommendation. Rui may not be trained in military combat, but he knows how to fend for himself if push comes to shove, so he should be able to assist the accompanying forestfolk to protect our guest. Furthermore, with his wealth of knowledge, he could also offer some additional insight that could aid with the scholar's research. Most of the council officials agreed with me and that was settled. The mayor will approach the tribe elders to discuss the matter further and he'll inform us once they have made a decision.

However, Rui felt differently. In the corridor back to our rooms, he suddenly stopped to tell me to consider having someone else serve as escort. As he explained his rationale, I could tell that he was being careful not to cite hostility towards himself as his reason. He said that it would make the discussions with the elders 'less difficult for everyone' if he weren't involved, and that a simple mission like would make for good experience for the newer recruits in our ranks.

While I understand where he was coming from, it didn't change the fact that he was the best candidate for this mission. I assured him that our decision wasn't set in stone since we were still waiting for the mayor to meet the elders, so we'll pick someone else if required later. He didn't look satisfied with my response, but it was all out of our hands now, so there wasn't much I could do either except to take his concerns into consideration next time.

But still, I had to find out how he felt personally. He made it clear that he wanted to step away in favour of keeping the peace, but if there was no need to do so, would he have objected still?

Before Rui shut his door, I asked if he'd like to be considered for this mission if his concerns could be set aside. His gaze lowered as he pondered over the question. When he lifted his gaze after what felt like several minutes, the uncertainty that clouded his eyes before dispersed to reveal the true hue of those orbs. His expression already told me what I needed to know, but I reminded myself to be patient so that I could hear it from Rui himself.

The answer that followed was shaky, but it was bare and true.

Chapter Text

I think Catsimir befriended Pickles.

He was sleeping on top of the fence with his legs hanging down either side while Pickles was perched by his side nipping at his back. I think she saw him more as a food source, but I guess it's alright if they both get along.

Being able to catch them together felt like a good sign. Maybe tomorrow will be sunny.

I asked Rui during lunch if he had any botanical compendiums I could borrow to read. He was rather amused by the question and asked if I'd like to have multiple volumes to refer to instead. It was honestly a tempting offer, but I declined and asked for just one for now. Who knows, maybe I'll guess right without having to ask for more volumes. Rui's smirk felt like a challenge, so I really want to get it right. He dropped the leftover vegetables on his plate onto mine and headed out, citing an errand to fulfill. I was initially a little down that he had to go so quickly, but I'd find out soon enough that I shouldn't have mourned his leaving.

Sometime in the afternoon, Rui stopped by with two books in hand and told me to pick one. One was the first volume to a series of compendiums on the topic, while the other... was a brand-new picture book on flowers written for children. When I looked up at him for answers, Rui burst out laughing and told me to hurry and take my pick.

I swiped the compendium out of his right hand and swore that I'd guess right without any further help, but that only made Rui laugh even harder.

Chapter Text

Today was a rather slow day. It was pouring and Catsimir was nowhere to be seen indoors. I hope he managed to seek shelter somewhere.

I caught Rui yawning as he left his room without shielding his mouth like he usually does, so that was nice at least. He had the thin blanket draped over his shoulders as he dragged his feet to the bathroom to get ready for the day too.

Very cute.

Chapter Text

Thank you, Rui. I really can't thank you enough.

Chapter Text

I finally feel well enough to write in this.

Yesterday, I received Saki's letter in the morning and returned to my room to read it as quickly as I could. But as I made my way down her response, I felt my stomach churn. No brother would want their sister to have to confide in them about having to kill a bandit that tried to rob her friends, would they? Saki and her friends knew very well the dangers that accompanied their travels, but having to confront that harrowing reality must have been terrifying. Even worse, she begged for forgiveness in her letter for being a crooked sister. I was on the verge of tears reading her trembling script the first time, and I never wished more in my life to be able to drop everything I had to comfort her in person.

I took the rest of the day off after that just mulling over Saki's letter. She said that they were all doing fine and no one was seriously injured, but I just couldn't get the thought of them being in harm's way out of my mind. I didn't know what to tell her. There was just too many things I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't bring my pen to the paper before me. You did your best. You had to do it. I love you no matter what. I don't scorn you. I'm also a murderer. What if these weren't the words she wanted to read? The voice in my head cast a blinding shroud over me, and I could only look at her letter blankly while attempting in vain to get myself to move.

Rui knocked on my door later in the afternoon with a tray carrying soup and sandwiches from the cafeteria. He set it down on my desk without a word before approaching me. He said that he might not be the best help available, but he was willing to try if I was okay with it.

Talking about Saki and the horrors she revealed to me was easy, but telling him about how I felt... was difficult. I became a soldier because I wanted to protect people. But I'm required to make difficult decisions from time to time as part of my service to the Crown. Some of them were easier to make, some of them... were not. I didn't think I was deserving of consoling Saki or advising her because I've given lifelong grief and suffering to people by taking the lives of their loved ones. I was half-expecting Rui to dismiss my beliefs as 'lofty ideals only seen in fairy tales', but he didn't, surprisingly. He listened to every word I spouted from my mouth and waited until I was done rambling to speak.

His advice was to console Saki first and foremost as a brother. My assurance will become her strength to push forward against all doubt. He added that this will be the first confrontation of many that she'll inevitably encounter along her journey, so she'd need some extra advice on how to calm tensions to avoid having to pick up her blade to put down threats next time. He warned against writing in excess in an effort to guide her away from the paths I'd once walked, and assured me that touching on her main sources of sorrow alone would suffice in accomplishing the same goal.

Thanks to him, I was able to pen a good response to Saki and have it sent today after what felt like an eternity.

I already thanked Rui yesterday, but he just said that he didn't do very much before reminding me to take my lunch and leaving. But if he hadn't stepped in, I don't know if I could write a good reply to Saki in her time of need. He wouldn't like it if I thanked him till the day I breathe my last, so I'm writing it here instead.

On behalf of Saki and myself, thank you, Rui.

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Rui is cruel.

While I was changing into my uniform, I suddenly remembered that I didn't manage to expend my guesses for the past two days because of, well, the dilemma I had then. After changing, I ruminated over my three guesses and headed to Rui's room once I was satisfied with my choices.

Meadowsweet, tormentils, azaleas. Quite fine guesses, if I do say so myself.

But imagine my surprise when I presented these to Rui, only for him to raise his brow at me and tell me to respect the rules we'd both agreed on! He said that I'd blown my chances for the 7th and 8th and so he only accepted meadowsweet as my guess for today! Surely he could've overlooked that transgression knowing how I was feeling two days ago!

Sigh. What's done is done. I'll wait till tomorrow before I guess again.

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Emu and Nene stopped by today and we sat down for some tea.

While catching up, I spoke of the forest survey and learnt that they hadn't heard about it, which was a little odd. I filled them in on the details and told them that we're waiting on the elders' decision. Upon hearing that, Nene groaned out loud and swung her head away in frustration. Before explaining, she warned me not to confront anyone since she was 'merely speculating' (it sounded much too plausible to be mere speculation, in my opinion) and brought up that one of the elders who was staunchly against Rui's participation in anything to do with them 'might be kicking up a fuss as we speak'.

Emu thinks that it was taking them a while since the survey involves entry into sacred grounds, so in hindsight, I should've expected this outcome. She assured me that things will work out and told me not to worry, which is difficult, but all I can do is trust her. Before they left, I asked them to keep this a secret from Rui since he was looking forward to survey, and they agreed to do so.

Hopefully we'll hear some good news soon.

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After Rui submitted a report on his recent work, he made no move to return to his room even after I told him he could go. He bit his lip when I probed, and then eyed me suspiciously before saying that he needed to discuss something that wasn't related to work. I was a little confused why he couldn't talk about it during our break, but I told him to continue while reviewing his report. If I'd known he was going to invite me out for lunch next week, I would've set the papers aside so that I wouldn't make a fool of myself by letting them slip out of my hand.

It was so unbelievable that even now, I'm not sure if I'm still asleep and just dreaming everything that happened so far. Maybe I'll wake up after I go to bed later and find this page empty the next time I open this book. I initially thought that Rui needed me for a favour since I still owe him one and asked if that was the case. He'd just asked if I was available during our lunch break sometime next week, after all. His eyes widened in shock for a split second before he hastily clarified that it wasn't for a favour. He wanted to go out for a change, apparently.

I was so stunned that I repeated what Rui had said back at him. Nothing felt real to me in that moment. If I hadn't snapped out of my daze to stop him while he was in the middle of rescinding his offer...

then I would have lost the chance to see the mesmerising smile that formed when he said that

...On second thought, what did Rui say back then? I believe he was telling me the date we'll be going out, but it slipped my mind entirely. Whatever my response was, it was good enough to satisfy him and the next thing I knew, he'd already left the room. It's going to be humiliating asking him tomorrow, but I have to swallow my pride and do this so that I don't become an even bigger fool later on.

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Thank goodness Rui dismissed my question as just a product of me being exhausted yesterday and not what it really was. October 18th.

I really better not let this one slip my mind.

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When I returned from my bath yesterday, I found Catsimir sitting on my diary with his eyes closed. He refused to budge even when I poked him and when I lifted him off the table (with much difficulty), he sank his claws into the wood and shrieked at me until I let go of him, so I conceded and went straight to bed instead.

Naughty cat.

Anyway, Emu dropped by in the afternoon yesterday to inform me about the elders' decision. She learnt about it by eavesdropping on their discussion which is... not very nice, but that's a secret between the two of us. They've chosen a warrior who, according to her, obeys them at all times to serve as the main guide for this mission and will ultimately not contest Rui's involvement. Emu said that she's not very close to the warrior personally, but they've worked together to pull off a number of hunts successfully before. I dislike the intent behind it, but I have to admit that it's an understandable decision. It's far better than them refusing to let Rui join, I suppose. Emu had to leave shortly after I thanked her concern since her lesson on her tribe's tools was about to begin. I found out from Nene today that Emu had to run at full speed to the venue to make it in time. Goodness.

Meanwhile, Rui has been spending more time tending to the chickens lately. Sometimes I'd spot him talking to them while he's holding them up to check for any signs of sickness. I don't doubt that the cold would make them more prone to illness, but I don't think their condition would change significantly in two days. I wish he'd

I finished my lunch with some time to spare today and Rui was out in the backyard with the chickens, so I paged through the compendium I borrowed from him for a short while. The description for each flower gets very complicated and detailed the further I get, so I'd stop whenever my eyes (and brain) went fuzzy from reading all the complicated botanical words that occupied each sentence. Leopard's bane was one of the flowers I learnt about today. It looks quite a lot like daisies, but with yellow petals instead of white (and different leaves, apparently). I figured it would make a good guess, but Rui seemed baffled by my choice. He pointed out while scratching Pickles' neck that it was poisonous and did more harm than good, so people don't cultivate it in their gardens.

That was a bust, I guess. But it was worth the try. I'll try thinking of flowers that aren't too toxic.

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Rui finished building Catsimir's heater today and we set it up in my room.

If I had to describe how it looks, I'd say that it's a box that contains a metal coil that turns red after it is switched on. It also has a small window fitted with gridiron on one side to emit the heat. All I have to do is push what Rui calls a 'switch' and it will start warming up. There are minimal risks to speak of, which is good, and it's heavy enough to remain stable even if someone hits it by accident. It doesn't get as warm as Rui's heater does and he needs to check on the internal parts regularly to ensure they are functional (every two weeks, he said), but I think it works good enough for Catsimir's needs.

We just need to find him later and see if he likes it. But first, work.

Well, that went well.

We were able to test the heater right after we finished our lunch since we found Catsimir lazing by Rui's door when we returned. Rui headed to my room first to get the heater ready while I lured Catsimir in with some jerky from the kitchen. It took a while, but by the time he walked in, there was a warm spot ready for him in front of the heater's metal grid. Catsimir was intrigued by the device and got closer to inspect it, but I'm afraid he might be a little... obtuse. After he sniffed at it, he raised his right paw and touched the metal grid directly. The burning hot metal obviously burnt his paw, and he reacted by yowling and leaping into my arms in shock. We checked his paw immediately and saw that his paw pads were turning red and sore, so we rushed to get it dipped in some water to cool. I tried to calm him down while waiting for Rui to retrieve a basin of water and the medical supplies for him.

All that effort to soothe him was for naught, however. Catsimir did not like touching water and he kicked and screamed at us while we struggled to hold him down. At the end of the ordeal, all three of us were upset, my and Rui's clothes were drenched, and both sides of my face were scratched mercilessly. He continued wriggling and squirming in my grasp while Rui was wrapping his paw with herbs to soothe the pain, and ended up giving Rui a few scratches of his own in the process.

Rui tried to treat my wounds once he was done with Catsimir, but in hindsight, we should've turned the heater off first of all after things calmed down. Or at the very least, set Catsimir on the other side of the room first, because the minute Rui directed his attention to my wounds, Catsimir was yowling in pain all over again because he touched the metal grid with his left paw. We ended up having to repeat the long and painful process of treating him again and it was just miserable for everyone involved.

Now he looks doubly silly and can't walk very well with all the bandages wrapped around his front paws.

We learnt our lesson painfully well by the time we were done. Before Rui started cleaning my wounds, he turned the heater off and set Catsimir on my lap where he sang his lungs out and swung his legs helplessly the entire time.

Rui was quite worried about my wounds, I think. I don't think the wounds were very deep, but he looked like he was aching for me while he was cleaning them. If I could smooth out the creases between Rui's brows, I would've done so. He was probably worried that they would leave scars behind after they heal, but I don't care about that, frankly. I told him as much, but he just sighed and told me to close my eyes and stop staring with a huff. I tried to lighten up the mood by telling him what my guess for today was, and he groaned and said no before telling me to stop talking while he was treating me, and that was that.

For some reason, Rui left the scratches on his hands as is and began packing the supplies after he was done. I offered to return the favour by treating them for him but he insisted that he was fine since they weren't drawing blood. I was a little disappointed since I wanted to help him in some way after he did so much for me and Catsimir, but he said that there was no need to since he wasn't planning to extort any favours from me 'just for today'. I guess he was trying to get me to back down by saying that, but I really wanted to make sure he was fine before he left, so I asked Rui to stay and clean his wounds before going back to his room at least. He was reluctant, but he obliged, thankfully. He was a little clumsy and dropped the vials he was using a few times in his rush to leave as soon as he could, though. He really should've taken his time, but I was content still since I was able to see to it that his wounds get treated.

With Catsimir's front paws the way they are now, someone needs to carry him wherever he wants to go because he meows until he's taken to his destination... which can be anywhere. He was satisfied with being left on the fence separating the coop today, but neither I nor the staff here can attend to his every need at all times until his paws recover, so I'll probably ask Nene or Emu if they're able to help carry him around for the next week or so. Preferably Emu, because I don't want to have to search for pebbles in the cold. Rui will rework the heater's design to make it 'Catsimir-proof' in the meantime, so he's not going to have any time to help out.

The temperature outside got quite chilly by evening, so I brought Catsimir to my room and he's now nibbling at the dog doll in my bed. Watching him play so innocently brings a smile to my face, especially since it's been a while since he last slept in my room with me.

But still, I wish I could spend time with him like this without his paws getting hurt first.

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I spent most of today with Catsimir.

I skipped my workout this morning because I woke up to Catsimir sleeping soundly on my stomach. I felt bad waking him up so that I could get ready for the day, but I made up for it by propping him on my shoulder until lunch. He seemed to like it enough to doze off on it while I was working and would paw at my cheek in wide-eyed curiosity as if he had no idea how I got the gashes there.

Silly cat. My right shoulder ached for the rest of the day because of him, too. Catsimir's heavier than he looks.

Rui wasn't very pleased to see him join us for lunch. Catsimir seemed to be eyeing his food and his eyes followed Rui's spoon with every bite of food he took. He didn't make a move, though. I guess it was unnerving from Rui's perspective to not know if or when he'll suddenly pounce on him and try to steal his food. In the end, Catsimir didn't cause any trouble in the cafeteria today and received lots of treats from the soldiers who passed our table.

The kitchen's madames offered to look after Catsimir until they left at 4, which I gladly accepted. During that time, the mayor dropped by to inform me and Rui about the tribe elders' decision. He also made a light-hearted comment on the amount of cat fur on my uniform and the scratches on my face, but that aside, what he told us matched up exactly with what Emu had told me before. I asked Rui for his thoughts after the mayor left, and he said that he was surprised by their verdict. He added that it was good since it meant that we didn't have to scramble to look for a new candidate. That's also true, but I think the tiny perk of his lips spoke volumes compared to what he expressed verbally.

I'm glad for him too.

I picked up Catsimir from the madames and bade them goodbye when it was time. I left him on my desk for the rest of the day while I worked. Once in a while, he would begin his chorus of meows and only stop when I brought his face to the window out in the corridor to take a peek at the backyard. Nothing noteworthy was happening in the rain, but he seemed pleased with what he saw regardless.

All in all, today was a rather good day.

Rui stopped by with a small plate of meat for Catsimir just as I was about to get ready for bed. I didn't think he could eat more after all the food he got from the afternoon, but he sat up and meowed loudly as soon as he saw what Rui had in his hands, so I held him up to let Rui feed him. Once he had his fill, Catsimir let out a soft burp and wiggled his front paws to keep Rui away.

It was fun watching Rui. He tried to be careful not to get bitten by grabbing the edge of each piece of lamb with his fingers. At first, he would drop the meat squarely on Catsimir's nose because he'd panic thinking that Catsimir was going to jump into action to snatch the food. He gradually relaxed as he got used to how Catsimir stretches his neck up to reach for the meat. After Rui popped the last piece of meat in Catsimir's mouth, he took a deep breath and I could see hints of a quiver in his lips as he tried to force his smile down.

He shouldn't have done so, but I was too late to tell him. Rui cleared his throat in an attempt to hide any lingering trace of that smile growing on his lips and excused himself in a hurry after that, bringing the end to this brief moment of bliss.

It's such a shame. I wish time could slow down so that I could catch him before he could hide that.

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Rui's knowledge of flowers and plants always leaves me in awe. When I guessed madworts just now, he immediately said that they can't grow in the soil we have here without even looking up from the report he was reading. I honestly don't know what kind of plant it is. I only tried it because I overheard a conversation some of soldiers had about their hometowns, and one of them brought up how beautiful their blooms are. Rui said that he only knew about it because it was discussed in one of the compendiums he owned, but it was impressive nevertheless.

I couldn't find madworts anywhere in the compendium I borrowed from him, so I'll have to ask Rui which one has it next time.

I managed to find Emu today and she agreed to help look after Catsimir during the day this week. Rui unwrapped his paws to check on them before we handed him off to her. Catsimir flinched and retracted his feet when we tried to set him down, so the bandages have to stay on for a while longer. Rui wrapped his paws with a fresh set of bandages and herbs while paying his incessant meows for help no mind. After he was done, Emu happily tucked Catsimir under her arm and lept out the window with him.

I don't know how she landed without sustaining grievous injuries. It might be better that I don't ask.

While Rui was putting away the medical supplies, I asked if he had any place he wanted to visit tomorrow for lunch. He wasn't sure, so we'll spend a bit of time exploring what's available tomorrow and decide then.

I can't wait.

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Well. That could've gone better.

Rui and I both left our destination to fate today and suffered the consequences we deserved. I guess I could say at the very least that this little outing instilled in me a new-found appreciation for flavour of any kind.

The few eateries we tried to enter were all full, so we spent more time than anticipated looking for one that could seat us closer to the town square. That's when we spotted a small, deserted stall sandwiched between a few other crowded eateries. We wondered if it was abandoned at first and went in to investigate, but the owner emerged from beneath the counter to welcome us with an eerie, expressionless stare. If he hadn't asked what we wanted to eat, I would've believed that he was a butcher based on all the fresh blood stains on his apron. Rui and I didn't dare speak too much in front of him, and I was mentally prepared to grab Rui's   hand arm and make a run for it if he ever raised his knife at us, but there was no need for that, thankfully.

On second thought, maybe it was better for us to run out after all. The stew that was placed before me looked good, but that was it. When I put my spoon in my mouth, all that filled my mouth was... nothingness. Even water has a flavour to it, but this stew didn't. I can't say it tasted awful because there was just no flavour. All I could feel in my mouth was the texture of the ingredients in it. I glanced at Rui after forcing a few mouthfuls of stew down my throat and he looked like he was on the brink. He only managed to stomach one bite of the pie he'd gotten and the light left his eyes. We got out immediately and I could feel the owner's piercing gaze behind me for far longer than I'd like to admit.

But even with this horrendous outcome, I have to say it wasn't all bad.

Before we stepped back indoors, Rui suddenly apologised for not doing his part to make this lunch a good one. He kept his head low even as I turned back to face him and told him not to be too hard on himself since we could just have the cafeteria's leftovers to satiate ourselves. Just as I caught a glimpse of gold peek past his bangs, he asked if I really wasn't mad about the whole ordeal. Seeing him so down, I just had to assure him that I wasn't (and I really wasn't upset at him). I thanked him for inviting me to join him today and told him that I'd love to accompany him for another lunch like this next time, with better food of course.

Rui chided me for being so gullible as to believe everything he said without question, but it was hard to believe that he'd go through all this effort just to make me feel miserable especially when there was nothing but remorse in his voice up to this point. He finally raised his head and looked me in the eye when he promised that he'll make things right for the next time, and I felt a chill run through my spine seeing the determination in his honey-coloured irises. It was so infectious, I couldn't help the excitement welling up in my heart.

The leftovers from the cafeteria were a lot more delicious than usual and nearly brought a tear to my eyes when I took my first bite. But all I could think of as I ate was Rui's promise. What can I do besides look forward to his next invite? I wish time could pass faster so that I can find out what Rui has planned for that.

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Pickles started laying eggs today.

Rui said that he witnessed it while he was cleaning the coop. Pickles was sitting inside her favourite sleeping spot when she suddenly stood up and paced around the nesting area. She popped the egg out right after halting in her step, and groomed herself as if she hadn't just laid her first egg.

The egg is cream-coloured, not green like the other eggs we've gotten so far, which is why Rui believes that Layton or Richard is laying the green eggs. But we still haven't seen either of them lay before to confirm, so we'll keep a lookout for now. The other hen is surprisingly elusive. After that, Pickles apparently nipped at Rui for food as usual.

Rui cooked the egg afterwards and reported over lunch that it had a richer taste(?) than the green egg he tried before. I don't know why he feels the need to do this, but I'm glad he enjoyed it? I guess?

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During today's meeting, the mayor shared more details about the upcoming forest survey from the scholar's last letter. She will depart the capital in a few days so that she can arrive in town before the end of the month, and will begin her return trip the night of the survey. Rui will effectively be out from dawn to dusk that day assisting with her studies on the forest's flora.

In other good news, I'll soon owe no favours to Rui. After the meeting, Rui asked for my help with feeding the chickens while he's away for the survey and I agreed, so he'll write the instructions down and hand them to me soon. With this, my slate will be clean when November starts.

Hopefully things go the way I wish.

Rui also asked that I return the compendium volume I'd borrowed from him. He's compiling notes on the local flora in preparation for the survey and wants to check all available books beforehand. I've yet to finish reading it, but I told him that I'd like to have another volume on hand if possible to inform my next guesses, so we agreed to exchange the volume I had for the eighth volume in the series. Once he's done, we'll trade them back.

I'm glad that Rui was given this chance to tag along for the survey. He's going above and beyond his duty to make this mission as fulfilling as possible for everyone involved, so I'm looking forward to his report after it concludes.

As I page through this compendium volume, I realised that Rui must have had his volumes for a very long time. I didn't think too much of the yellowing pages in the first volume since it's natural for the first book in a series to be older than the rest, especially if it's an extensive one. But the pages in this volume are just as worn and yellowed as the first. I wonder how old they are, and how long Rui's been reading these. Perhaps I should ask him tomorrow.

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Catsimir is finally free of his bandages as of today.

As soon as we tested his reaction after unwrapping them, Catsimir scooted off and presumably headed outside. Seeing as he was able to run like that, it's safe to say that he has fully recovered. Emu was sad that she couldn't show him all of her favourite places in the forest anymore, but I assured her that she was welcome to take him out to play anytime and she cheered up immediately.

After Emu left, Rui suggested buying some meat for Catsimir as a treat, so we went to the butcher's after lunch to get some yummy cuts for him. We couldn't agree on whether to get the fattier ones or the lean ones for him, so we settled on getting a mix of both. We later spotted Catsimir snoring by the kitchen, so I wanted to cook the meat right away with lots of yummy seasoning for him to enjoy, but Rui stopped me. He said that Catsimir never eats food that's hot and suggested marinating the meat instead if I wanted to give it some flavour.

Thinking back, it made sense based on all the times I've seen Catsimir eat, so that's what I did. I drizzled some oil and herbs over the meat and mixed them thoroughly before transferring the meat onto a new plate. I set it on the floor in front of Catsimir and we waited for him to wake up. It didn't take long for him to catch a whiff of the food and slowly blink the sleep out of his eyes, which was adorable.

Unfortunately, Catsimir ate the fattier cuts Rui procured before moving on to the lean cuts I'd insisted on buying. Rui made sure to gloat about this on our way back to our rooms, but I wasn't listening, honestly. The smile on his lips was all I could really focus on.

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Dahlia snuck into the mansion this morning.

I don't know when exactly she entered, but one of the maids spotted her while she was cleaning the lounges and reported to me at around 10. We couldn't let her back out since it was raining, so I brought her to Rui's room for the time being.

Rui, however, was already in a bad mood by then.

As soon as I swung the door open, I saw Catsimir asleep by Rui's heater, sprawled over his papers. A few of the sheets had black smudges and paw prints all over them and Rui only groaned when he saw my confounded expression. With the dried ink on Catsimir's paws... anyone could guess what had happened here. Dahlia wriggled out of my grasp in that moment to walk over to where Catsimir was and made the baffling decision to sit down on him without a care in the world.

Meanwhile, Catsimir continued snoring peacefully while Rui glared at him and Dahlia.

With a defeated sigh, Rui asked that I let him work in my office. He insisted he could work on the floor, but I made him take one of the chairs reserved for guests so that he could work comfortably. We ended up spending the rest of the day in my office, working on our respective reports. We checked in on Dahlia and Catsimir during lunch, but they were both asleep even after we were done with our food, so we left them there until evening.

The time we spent in my office was peaceful. I was a little mournful when Rui packed up his belongings to return to his room at the end of the day. Though temporary, this arrangement allowed us to consult each other easily without having to get up. Whenever one of us took a break, we could urge the other to take a break too.

And I can drink tea made by Rui.

The tea he brewed today was made using leaves that were very expensive and rare, apparently. He said that it'd been a while since he last had it, so he wanted to enjoy some today and made a cup for me while he was at it.

I'm honoured that he deemed me worthy of enjoying it with him.

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After three whole weeks of guessing, I'm just as close to the answer as I was three weeks ago. I couldn't help but groan out loud when Rui snickered before telling me that I was wrong. He reminded me that gloveworts are horribly poisonous and asked me to just give up already, but hearing that only renewed my determination to try again tomorrow.

And to be completely honest, I couldn't stay too mad seeing Rui gloat at my misfortune. I felt my heart skip a beat seeing that mischievous smirk of his spread across his lips.

For a brief moment, it felt like the walls between us had crumbled, and we were just Tsukasa and Rui.

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I noticed that whenever Rui questions Catsimir's strange behaviour in front of me, he would refer to him as 'him' instead of 'you' ('Why does he keep meowing like that?', or 'Why can't he eat quietly?') even though he's looking at him and not me. For a while, I wondered if he truly sought an answer from me, but now I think he's just doing that because he didn't want to get caught talking to Catsimir like he's a person again.

Today just about confirmed this theory of mine. Rui and I were discussing some notes he'd written in his last report outside his room when Catsimir came up to him and began meowing and pawing at his leg for his attention. Rui sighed and asked that I wait for a second and proceeded to lift him up. Catsimir being Catsimir brought his paw to Rui's cheek, completely oblivious to Rui's very apparent disappointment. He blurted out, 'you're so needy' with a huff and was about to continue scolding him I think, when he suddenly stilled. He quickly corrected himself and said 'he' instead upon realising that I was still watching and hastily put Catsimir in his room and shut the door. Before I could say anything, Rui cleared his throat and returned to our prior discussion, leaving no room for me to tease him.

He's so funny. There's no need to put on such airs in front of me.

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Rui and I swapped our compendium volumes today, so I can return to reading up on the plants in Volume 1. I finally asked Rui when he got these, too. He said that he'd gotten most of them several years ago while he was a student.

Hearing him say 'the prime minister' always makes my heart sink

He'd received the ten volumes in his possession together as one set for his stellar academic performance in school. He recalled with    fondness that it was the first time the former prime minister had offered him a gift and was pleasantly surprised to receive not one book like he'd expected, but the complete series.

Rui mentioned that some of the information might be outdated by now since they are so old, but he finds them reliable because of how rigorously the authors collected the data for each plant described in the pages. He lamented the fact that the book store here has a limited selection of books since he's interested in buying the remaining volumes (there's over twenty of these! Incredible.) to the series, but hasn't had any luck finding them so far. The only place that would stock them is probably the capital, but I don't think he needs me to tell him that.

I told him I'll help look out for them too, but the words that left my mouth felt hollow, just like the thanks Rui afforded me in return. I wish I could do more for him. It would be unwise of me to use the bulk of my holidays just to visit the capital to look for books that might no longer be available, but I've never felt a stronger urge to do so.

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I spotted Rui, Touya, Akito, and a few other soldiers gathered in a circle looking down at their feet in the backyard. They seemed quite deep in thought and I could see that they were mumbling to each other, so I got curious. It was a rather peculiar group (seeing Rui alongside more than two people is a rarity in itself) too, so I headed over to find out what they were doing.

As it turns out, they were looking down at Catsimir who was too busy licking raw egg off the ground to care about the crowd that had formed around him. Near his whiskers were broken green egg shells which I assume produced the spilled egg he was lapping up.

Apparently, they were debating amongst themselves if Catsimir should be eating egg or not. Rui was unsure personally, but Touya and a few other soldiers think it's okay, and another handful of soldiers think otherwise. Since they couldn't conclude on any one answer, they decided to just watch Catsimir eat and observe his reactions. He'd belched twice so far, supposedly.

I really do wonder what goes on in their heads sometimes.

I squeezed between Rui and Touya to catch a good look at Catsimir myself (...I wasn't the tallest person there, unfortunately). Catsimir seemed to be in his own world just focusing on licking the chicken egg before him. Some of the soldiers were amused by the silly sounds he was making with each flicker of his tongue and commented that they'd never seen such a noisy cat before. Akito bemoaned how senseless this situation was and turned to leave, but he was immediately drawn back to the spectacle when Touya and the others hollered with excitement after Catsimir splashed a bit of egg onto his nose.

When things died down, Rui excused himself to head back indoors and I took the opportunity to do the same. I made sure to remind the soldiers to get back to work soon before I left. When I asked Rui what he thought, he said without hesitation that he's certain that Catsimir will somehow end up fine even if we were to learn later on that cats truly shouldn't eat eggs. He also complained about getting dragged into that circle when he was trying to sneak past them after feeding the chickens. If it weren't for Touya spotting him, he would've slipped past them and gotten back to work, apparently.

Personally, I think Rui joined them of his own volition. I could see the sparkle of curiosity in his eyes even from afar, so I have my doubts that things really went the way he said they did. It's just a shame that his annoyance replaced it so readily when I joined them.

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After Rui told me I was wrong (again), I asked if it was possible to cultivate some catmint here to bolster our medical supplies. It made sense to me, at least. I even offered to help tend to the plants if he couldn't afford the time to do so.

But Rui rejected the idea immediately and accused me of just wanting to use it to play with Catsimir. A preposterous idea! I'm not so superficial as to get interested in a plant just because it has 'cat' in its name. Nothing I said could convince him otherwise, and he shooed me out of his room so that he could focus on preparing for the upcoming survey.

This is an injustice against the entire troop. I am upset. I weep for Catsimir's happy days that were doomed to never be all because of Rui's word. I hope Rui is proud of himself.

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Rui was out for most of the day with the mayor to meet the scholar who'd arrived last night. They're probably enjoying a hearty welcome dinner together as I write this.

He was around for lunch at least, but I was still in a bad mood from yesterday, so I kept to myself for the most part. Rui tried prodding me to guess before he was gone for the rest of the day, but I didn't yield. He remarked out loud that I was being a petty bore, but I resisted the urge to give in.

I think Touya and Akito witnessed the exchange, because they approached us to ask if anything was amiss. We pointed fingers at each other and argued for our cases, but to my dismay, Touya took Rui's side. He said that having catmint on the premises could not only attract other cats in town, but also lynxes, which can be a danger to the chickens. I couldn't find fault with that, but it was just extra devastating since it was Touya who said it.

He and Akito headed off to join their friends at another table, so Rui and I were left alone again. I was too ashamed to speak up again, but Rui mentioned that dried catmint is sometimes sold in the market and told me to try my luck there even if we can't grow it ourselves. Apparently, the stallholders keep their catmint stashed away to prevent cats from invading their stall and destroying everything, so only a handful of people know about their stock. He warned me to be extra careful about when and where I used it while poking at the leftover broccoli on his plate.

I have to admit that it made me feel a little better hearing that. Rui was pressed me for my guess again before he left, but I couldn't come up with one on the spot since I was too mad last night to review the compendium and see what I should guess next. He was disappointed, of course, and he made sure to grumble under his breath at that. He made me promise not to give up without his permission, which is funny to me because I never intended to. But I'm glad we didn't part on a sour note today.

Chapter Text

It's 10 and I miss Rui already.

He'd handed me his list of chicken chores (feeding times and amounts, mostly) to complete today in a rush right before 6 while I was still bleary, so I couldn't even wish him well on the survey before he ran off.

I wish I was on patrol duty today. Then I could sneak off into the forest while I'm on my breaks...

But I have to sort through all the paperwork for today, clean the chicken poop if necessary, and then feed the chickens two more times before Rui returns. This is going to be a very long day.

I wonder what Rui's doing now.

Richard attacked me for daring to approach the coop and chased me around enclosure until he got too exhausted and tripped over his own feet. Somehow, that seemed to make him forget his rage against me too, which was convenient. I was able to escape as he ran over to where the other chickens were to eat his share of the food. The coop wasn't as dirty as I'd expected, so it didn't take too long to scrub the crustier parts. There were lots of ripped twine and rope all over the place thanks to Layton's destructive obsession with the sandals Emu gave him. Rui warned in big letters not to touch them unless I have a death wish, so I didn't.

I saw Catsimir walking in the forest's direction just now and it made me wish I could join him.

I'm so bored today.

Rui's not back yet. I remember the mayor mention a farewell feast for tonight, but I'm not too sure what time it ends.

The chickens were fed before sunset and I watched them until they headed into the coop to roost for the night. Richard was slightly more docile this time, at least. I didn't spot Catsimir anywhere, so I guess he's sleeping outside tonight.

It's 8 now.

I tried to turn in early but I couldn't fall asleep.

I don't even know what more I can report for today. I already wrote whatever I needed to write in this entry, but I don't know what else to do to pass the time until I doze off.

What do I

Rui is back.

He was surprised to see me emerge from my room as he was unlocking his door and asked why I was still up. I brushed off the question and started prattling off everything I'd done today only for Rui to raise his hand up until it was inches from my face. I paused immediately. Rui then explained in an apologetic tone that he was too tired to listen to me tonight and preferred if I could postpone my rambling to tomorrow instead.

My cheeks are still hurting from how hard I was smiling when I made him promise to keep to his word. I can't even force the smile down because the corners would perk back up whenever I recall the tiny smile on Rui's lips when he agreed. We wished each other good night and then parted for rhe night.

I can't wait for tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Rui was so exhausted from yesterday that he overslept today.

At least he was sleeping in his bed properly when I headed over to check in on him. I shut the door quietly and headed back to work right after.

Rui recounted the 'more memorable' parts of the survey to me over lunch.

The scholar was studying about forest flora all over the country so that she could compile a detailed report that could encourage further investigations on flora purported to have medicinal properties. Throughout the survey, she was nothing but friendly and respectful to Rui and the accompanying warrior, and they assisted her with acquiring samples whenever necessary. There was an eerie plant that bleeds red when its leaves are cut, spooking the scholar when she saw it in action. One of the trees in the sacred ground (known by the tribe as the 'mother tree') was noted for having multiple plants growing on its trunk. They learnt from the warrior about a peculiar songbird that nests only on the mother tree's branches. Rui also recounted the confidence the warrior had about a certain plant having 'thick roots like carrots but blue', only for him to pull the plant out of the ground and reveal that the roots were actually purple. Rui and the scholar both insisted that it was purple, but the warrior didn't believe them and said that Rui's hair was blue too. The scholar and Rui speculated that it was a joke of sorts made amongst the forestfolk about this specific plant and the colour purple, and she recorded it in her notes.

For the most part, the warrior was curt but cooperative, according to Rui. He was more talkative towards the end of the survey, which sounded to me like he'd warmed up to the two of them. Rui had packed some sandwiches to eat for lunch yesterday, but the warrior asked that he join the tribe and the scholar and eat with them instead, so he was able to sit with Emu and Nene and have a good meal together. This was the most reassuring anecdote of all.

The farewell feast was held in town at a tavern picked by the mayor. It dragged on for far longer than it should've because the scholar went on a rampage after having some alcohol and she almost missed her carriage back to the capital as a result.

I was keen to hear more from Rui, but he shushed me and told me to be patient and wait for his report for the 'boring' parts. It's a brazen assumption in my opinion, because anything to do with Rui is interesting to me, but I held my tongue. Rui then let me prattle off about yesterday, only interrupting me in the middle of my rant about Richard when it was time to get back to work.

Before we parted ways at his door, Rui suddenly apologised to me. I was confused until he pointed out the scars that had formed on my right cheek from when Catsimir scratched me. I assured him that I was fine and to be very honest, I completely forgot about them until he brought it up. Three short marks on my right cheek that are hardly visible under the right circumstances isn't something to write home about.

The pain in his eyes hurt more than these scratches ever did.

Chapter Text

Catsimir sits like a human more often lately.

He hunches over like an old man and watches those who pass by with glistening eyes, but I can't help but wonder why he decided to adopt such an unsightly posture.

I do think that this is quite a petty issue to fret over, but it just bothers me when I see him like that. It feels strangely human. Whenever I set him on his feet to let him sit the normal way cats do, he just goes back to sitting like that again.

I talked to Rui about this earlier and he said that he must have been learning from someone. He seemed to be hinting that it was me, but I'd be damned if I ever let myself be caught sitting in such a manner in front of anyone. Mom taught me all the manners I know, and I know better than to let her down even if she's back home with dad.

I asked Rui if he could construct a small chair for Catsimir to sit on and he looked at me funny before seriously considering it. He had some materials to spare so he could do it, but he wants a favour out of it. An easy ask, in my opinion.

Maybe we can teach Catsimir how to sit properly with this.

Chapter Text

Very wonderful news today.

Mizuki's letter to Rui today said that Ena was invited to participate in her first art exhibit. It is a small one held by one of her painter acquaintances, separate from the ones held by the capital's leading art academy. I think it's a shame that she didn't get selected to show her art at the academy's exhibition, but Rui said that he wasn't too surprised that she didn't make the cut for it since 'these academies are all full of pompous braggarts', and he felt that it was better for her to make a name for herself this way.

To our surprise, Ena invited the two of us to attend the exhibit held during the last week of January. I'm keen to do so, but Rui said that it would be difficult for the soldiers if the both of us were out of town for two weeks, so we're holding off from accepting the invitation for now, sadly. I told Rui not to tell Mizuki that we are declining the invitation and he got annoyed at me, but in my defence, it felt like something he would do.

Personally, I think this is a great opportunity to meet with Mizuki and Ena once more, and would love to make the necessary arrangements for this to happen. We could always appoint Touya to stand in for us while we are away like before. He did a good job the last time, but really, the decision is up to Rui. As much as I'd like to go, I feel that the trip is senseless without him. He's closer to Mizuki, after all. Rui said that he'll think it over and discuss this again closer to the date.

I hope he reconsiders.

Chapter Text

Rui finished making one chair for Catsimir today. More accurately, it's a stool with an indent at the back for his tail to hang down. Rui also added a tiny cushion to the seat which will make the stool more comfortable to sit on than the floor.

We didn't manage to find him no matter how hard we tried, though. Maybe tomorrow. Rui said he could make a tiny copy of my office chair with adjustments to accommodate Catsimir's tail if he had the measurements, so I let him do just that after lunch.

When I looked out at the backyard, I saw the chickens huddled up together near the fence to brave the strong winds outside. Rui's hair was getting tousled in all directions by the wind and I could see him sneezing a couple of times as he stocked up on chicken feed. When he returned, he told me (while sporting a bright red nose) that he was considering building a taller fence that could block the wind for them, but I told him they're probably better off without it. They might become more frail if they're coddled anymore than they already are, I feel. Besides, I think the view from their enclosure looks better without too much in the way.

Convinced (only to some degree, I assume. Rui gets more stubborn whenever it comes to his chickens), he turned on his heel and headed back to his room. I almost laughed when I saw that the back of his hair was still sticking in all sorts of directions, but I kept that to myself. It'd be funnier if he found out about it himself.

Chapter Text

Rui coughed a lot more today than usual. The weather is dry, but I think the sawdust from crafting chairs for Catsimir might have made it worse for him.

I made some lavender tea for him and helped clean most of the sawdust on the floor (...he really needs to learn) before evening. I tried making the tea the way he likes it and asked if it tasted alright, and he said it was 'better than the last one'. He advised me to let the water cool a few seconds longer after putting out the fire so that the lavender flavour can be richer.

I'll write this down somewhere so that I don't forget.

Before leaving, I reminded him to take breaks during the day and keep himself hydrated. His response was phlegmatic, but a response nonetheless.

Chapter Text

We found Catsimir today. Or rather, Catsimir found Rui.

I heard a yelp from him followed by a loud crash in the corridor, so I burst out of my office to find out what had happened. Rui was sprawled on the floor with Catsimir by his head pawing at his scarf. He asked in-between groans to take Catsimir away, so I did just that. It took a while to pry his claws off of the cloth, though.

Rui felt a little dizzy when he sat up so he hugged his knees and kept his head down until he felt better. I tried stroking his head to make him feel better but I think it only made him feel worse because Rui buried his face deeper into his arms at my touch. He explained that he'd just returned from tending to his flowers when Catsimir came out of nowhere and pounced at his scarf, dragging him down as he pulled onto it. When he looked to me, the disappointment was plain for all to see. He glanced at Catsimir and sighed, asking why I had to adopt such a problematic cat. I can't deny that Catsimir has made life a bit more hectic in the mansion whenever he's around, but at the same time, he has become an invaluable presence for most of us here. I can't possibly shoo him away, especially not after he struggled in my arms to reach for Rui to no avail. Even though he could see very well that I was keeping Catsimir away from him, Rui still backed into the wall to stay further away from him.

They are both so lovely.

Actually, now that I think about it, I remember Akito complaining about Catsimir following him around before. But I think that's because he sees Akito as a fellow orange cat based on his hair.

After Rui got up, we went to my room to let Catsimir try out the stool he'd made. He insisted he was alright after resting on the floor, but I told him to take a break from work if he still felt unwell. Unfortunately though, Catsimir didn't seem to like the stool very much. I think. We tried to sit him down on it properly a number of times, but every time we let go of his front paws, he seemed to just lose all strength in his spine and slouch so much that he looked more like a cat-shaped pile of putty instead of a cat. It's absolutely baffling. I don't know why he does this.

While we were discussing what to do with the stool, Catsimir slid off of it and rolled all over the papers on the floor, spreading his fur all over the place. He also caught a lot of sawdust in his coat, so I had to brush the dust off his fur while Rui put his papers aside for once and swept the floor.

That was all in the morning. Later at lunch, Rui said that he placed the stool in the coop as an extra piece of furnishing of sorts for the chickens. Maybe one of them will like it.

I hope Catsimir likes the next chair Rui makes.

Chapter Text

The trees are turning redder now, and very soon it'll be winter. How time flies.

With Saki travelling with Ichika, Shiho, and Honami, it feels amiss to return home for Christmas this year. I'd love to, of course. It's one of few times in the year I visit home, after all. But it feels wrong for me to spend time with mom and dad without her. I'll have to start thinking of what to give to them as Christmas presents very soon.

I wonder what Rui does for Christmas. Apart from working, that is. Over the few Christmases Rui got to spend here, he has chosen to remain in the mansion instead of taking days off work to relax or go back to his childhood home. Before, I didn't think too much of it since he's never the only person choosing to stay behind. I was grateful thinking he was sacrificing time with his family to allow me an opportunity to travel home to visit mom, dad, and Saki. Now that I know about his family circumstances, though... I guess it's understandable why he chooses to stay behind each time.

I overheard some soldiers talking about the Christmas market here and their plans for Christmas, and it gave me the idea of visiting the market with Rui this Christmas. Maybe Rui could take me around and we could browse the festive ornaments. He must have visited it at least once so far, right? Or maybe we could go out to the neighbouring town that's famed for its delicious cheeses...

No, no, no. I cannot let these fantasies take over my mind. I must ask if he's available first of all.

I wonder where Rui is now. I didn't see him all day except for lunch, but that was before I overheard the soldiers in the corridor on my way back to my room. I assumed he was busy earlier since he didn't stop by my office even once, so I didn't head over to look for him in the afternoon. When I stopped by after dinner thinking he'd definitely be in his room by then, I twisted his door knob only to discover to my dismay that it was locked.

Hopefully he doesn't stay out too late. It's getting colder as winter approaches.

Chapter Text

I saw Rui in the backyard tending to the chickens so I headed out to chat with him as he fed them. Richard took offense with my presence immediately and approached with the most horrific screeches he could manage, but I am pleased to report that the only harm he caused was to my eardrums. He apparently has no idea how fences work and thinks that he can only leave the enclosure when the gate is open, so our conversation went largely uninterrupted while we both ignored his screaming by our feet.

Rui was surprised to learn that I wasn't planning to visit home this Christmas. He understood my rationale, but thought it's a shame I'm 'wasting time here' instead of visiting mom and dad. Many of the soldiers choose to return home to spend time with their families in December, so there isn't a lot of drills to supervise next month as the new year approaches. Those who remain really only need to sort out the administrative matters and catch the occasional petty thief in town. It's looking to be a boring couple of weeks at work, honestly, but I think that's fine. I could also clean my room and office with all that spare time.

Rui mentioned that I could always join the soldiers' parties and make merry if I ever felt bored, but the way he said it stuck with me. It sounded as if he doesn't join the parties, and my suspicions were confirmed immediately. Rui always rejected their invitations in the past so that he could dedicate more time to his work. 'Someone has to keep things running around here while everyone is gone', according to him. What he'd said gave me the courage to ask if he'd like to spend Christmas day with me. I tried to frame it as the better alternative to hanging out with a boisterous bunch of soldiers in the hopes of convincing him to accept. I added that it was a good opportunity for him to get a well-deserved break mostly out of desperation after he fell silent and mulled over the idea for a lot longer than I expected. My heart was practically thumping against my ribs waiting for him to make his decision.

Oh, to speak of the euphoria that flooded my heart when he said yes!

We agreed to do a simple gift exchange on the day, too. Now I have to think of a gift for him. My heart is in the skies, and it's not coming back to earth anytime soon. Christmas couldn't come faster.

Chapter Text

During today's meeting, the mayor informed us that he will be visiting the neighbouring republic in official capacity very soon and will require me to accompany him as escort.

He will be meeting the mayor of the city closest to our town to negotiate trade deals that could strengthen relations between our territories and tour the area with her for a few days as a small show of friendship. The journey there and back isn't very long, but the two mayors are spending nearly a week meeting each other in some way, be it to negotiate or to visit a local site, so we'll be out of town from the 29th until December 7th.

...This is far from how I wish to spend my time, frankly, but I can't decline his request.

I couldn't help but complain about it to Rui after the mayor left. While it's true that there isn't much to do very soon, I don't enjoy these official visits either. I always stay mum unless spoken to because I'm afraid I might accidentally offend someone with how frank (to a fault, according to Rui) I am. I'm not well-versed in the eloquent speak that important people use like Rui or the mayor are. Handing this off to Rui isn't an option either (and honestly, even if it was, I would be worrying my socks off the entire time) so I just have to grit my teeth and keep my head down for as long as I can.

Rui was still working on Catsimir's chair at the time (it's looking wonderful!), hammering the wood blocks together and listening to me ramble on and on about my gripes. He offered the occasional tip on how to read between the lines and respond in the event I'm addressed and have no idea how to react, which I appreciated. After I ran out of complaints to make, the only sounds that remained were the pitter-patter of the rain, punctuated by the rhythmic hammering of Rui's mallet. When the hammering stopped and no other tinkering sounds followed, I looked to him to see if something was wrong with the chair. Then, without acknowledging my glance, Rui said in a murmur that I wasn't the only one who was disappointed about this trip.

I thought I'd misheard, but his voice was loud enough for me to pick up every word. Before I could ask for a confirmation, Rui picked up the mallet and began hammering the wood blocks before him once more. He wouldn't look up or answer when I asked who he meant. My heartbeat was so loud I feared for a moment if Rui would notice if I stayed too long, so I excused myself shortly after. I promised I'll bring back a nice memento for him before shutting the door behind me. Right as the door clicked into place, my lips perked up into a smile that I hadn't known I was holding back and they wouldn't go down all morning.

It's okay for me to react this way, right? I'm not misinterpreting what he said, right?

Chapter Text

Rui was acting a little strange today.

Catsimir had returned this morning with his paws caked in mud, so I brought him to the bathroom to give him a wash.

As it turns out, that was a colossal blunder on my part. Catsimir yowled and screeched and tipped the tub of water, sending a wave of dirty soapy water straight at me amidst his struggles against my hold. My nightclothes were soaked through and through. He dashed out of the bathroom and was gone from the corridor in the blink of an eye, so I decided it was wiser to just go back to my room to get a new change of clothes and return to wash my nightclothes instead of pursuing him. I figured that with fewer people here in the morning, I could just take my shirt off and head back without bumping into anyone.

Once again, I was wrong. Rui's door swung open right as I passed. I took a step back to give him some space and greet him but I startled him so much that the papers he was carrying slipped out of his hands and scattered all over the floor. The crash of the papers seemed to snap him back to reality and he quickly scrambled to his knees to pick them up. I wanted to help, but he declined rather frantically. He didn't want me to ruin his papers by accident, I assume.

I didn't see Rui for the rest of the morning after that, but we still met up for lunch at least. I explained what had happened to him and he groaned into his hands for some reason. He reminded me that guests could stop by without prior notice and told me not to do that again because 'it is unsightly and unbecoming' (heavy emphasis on the 'unsightly') of someone in my position to be caught in a state of undress like that, barring exceptional cases.

So, according to Rui, I can take my shirt off if I have fresh wounds on my upper body. But I can't take it off if it is drenched and giving me significant discomfort. And besides, I'm certain that I'm not the only one who has taken their shirt off during a sweltering hot summer afternoon, and I don't recall Rui admonishing anyone for that. When I pointed out how strange his standards were, he transferred the bell peppers on his plate onto mine and left with an indignant huff.

I still don't understand how this works, but I don't think I'm getting an answer anytime soon. Maybe I could ask Nene for her thoughts. 

Chapter Text

Nene dropped by my office today and asked why Rui was making a tiny copy of my chair when she headed over earlier. As I was explaining, she cut me off and said she wished she hadn't asked, which was quite rude, in my opinion. Why ask if she didn't want to know the answer?

Anyway, I took the opportunity to tell her about what happened yesterday and asked for her opinion on whether Rui's logic made sense. Her reaction was... even stranger than Rui's from yesterday. She seemed shocked at first (understandable), but as I explained, her face morphed into a myriad of expressions: disgust, exasperation, despair, and back to disgust again. She told me to have a good look in the mirror(?), mumbled something about idiotic people (rude) and then told me to ask Rui myself if I wanted to know so badly.

The whole reason I was consulting her in the first place was because Rui entirely dodged the topic yesterday. Now, I owe her one pebble (the price was two pebbles this time, so the one in my drawer wasn't enough) and I'm more confused than I was yesterday. This isn't a major issue by any means, so maybe I should just accept things the way they are and adapt to this, but still. Far from a satisfying conclusion.

Rui was fine today when I met him for lunch but I think he's still upset about yesterday. Whenever I addressed him, he wouldn't look me in the eye. He kept his gaze low at all times and snapped at me to stop when I tried to lower myself to meet his gaze.

Hopefully he'll cheer up tomorrow.

Chapter Text

I bumped into Rui today after my morning jog.

After completing my usual route, I went to the flowerbed where he planted the mystery seeds out of curiosity to see if they've sprouted yet. I was hoping to derive a hint based on how the sprouts looked, but I found out when I arrived that the flowerbed was as bare as it was when Rui first buried the seeds in the ground, so I'll have to continue guessing wildly in the dark for another month or two, sadly.

Then, as I was walking back to the mansion, I spotted Rui heading in my direction in the distance. He was surprised to see me and asked why I was out in that part of town, which was a little odd because I don't recall getting banned from any one place, but I didn't really mind. His lips curved into a cheeky smirk when I admitted that I was checking on the mystery seeds myself for hints and he asked what my guess was for today based on my 'keen analytical abilities'. I couldn't think of a wise guess on the spot but I really wanted to get a nice cup of salep in the moment, so I just blurted out orchids after fumbling for a bit. The answer was wrong. As usual. But it seemed to remind Rui of salep too, because he began looking off to the side thoughtfully after that and mumbled about how it'd been a long time since he last had some.

I pointed out that we could grab a drink at a coffeehouse before work if he was quick with his flowers and he agreed to the idea, surprisingly. We headed straight to his windflower and honeysuckle patches (I didn't know he grew those, too. The honeysuckle was so thick that I could barely make out the fencing it latched onto) and he watered them in record time (and rather haphazardly, too) so that we could go to the town square and enjoy some salep.

Nothing could ever beat the salep mom made for me and Saki whenever it was cold and snowy at night, but I'd say that this one I had with Rui is a good contender for second best. He raised his cup until it was level with his chin and leaned forward to give the scent wafting from it a wary sniff. He began blowing at the surface only after he was done savouring the aroma and then brought the cup to his lips. He didn't say much about the drink, but he seemed to enjoy it enough to not voice any complaints, so I thought we could have our lunch there later in the afternoon if he so liked.

Rui's eyes widened just slightly when he heard that. It was difficult to tell, honestly. I initially thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but the delay in his answer was proof that my eyes were working just fine. It wasn't easy containing my excitement after that. Even the owner commented on it when I was making payment and requesting that he save a table for us for the afternoon. I can only thank the heavens that Rui was out of earshot at the time.

So much has happened and it's still morn. Time is passing far too slowly for me right now. I can't concentrate on work when I have lunch with Rui to look forward to.

Lunch was just great.

Before we left, I helped wrap Rui's scarf around his neck for him. He'd had it hanging down his shoulders when he emerged from his room, so I offered to help him with it. I could've sworn I'd seen a sparkle in his honey irises in the split second before he shrugged and said 'suit yourself'. I could see Rui purse his lips from the corner of my eye whenever my fingers brushed against his face, but he didn't recoil, at least.

Along the way to the coffeehouse, we talked about some work matters that we were planning to discuss later in the afternoon. Rui also brought up Mizuki because of their latest response to him today. He'd apparently told them in his last letter that we (he) have yet to decide if we can accept Ena's invitation to her first art exhibit, and Mizuki gave him 'an unreasonable reprimand' and called him a coward for not immediately accepting it. He refused to furnish any more details about their correspondencss, but he said that he might consider it after all. He just needs a little more time to decide. I was overjoyed and told him we could always make the necessary arrangements ahead of time to reduce the burden on the soldiers (and especially Touya), just like we did for our last visit to the capital. He let out a defeated sigh and said he wished that was all he had to think about, but I didn't understand what he meant by that. Before I could ask him, we'd arrived at the town square and Rui walked ahead of me to the coffeehouse to get us seated swiftly.

We had two pies to share: rabbit and pork. I got a bowl of split pea soup for myself as well. After dividing the pies, Rui spent a lot of time picking out the vegetables mixed inside for his slices, and I offered to eat some of them if he'd have some soup instead. I was half-expecting him to decline the terrible trade I came up with on the fly while watching him frown at the bowl with disgust, but to my surprise, he scooped out half a spoon's worth of soup and brought it to his mouth without a word. He was clearly upset about it, though. His face scrunched up in disgust and he shivered as he gulped the soup down and set his spoon aside with a loud clang. It was amusing to watch and I couldn't help but laugh while taking some of the vegetables on his plate. The amount of pie Rui loaded onto my plate was far greater than the amount of soup he drank, but I decided against pointing it out. His pout was more than sufficient to convey how he felt.

Times like these make me wish I could spend more time with him, that time could pause during these moments we spend together until I'm satisfied. But Rui had to tend to the chickens and I have a meeting with the mayor to get ready for, so even if all the stars were to align to make my wish come true, it would only delay the inevitable and augment the yearning my heart feels in return.

Before returning to my room, I took a peek at the backyard to watch Rui as he fed the chickens. While watching over them, he raised his hand to his scarf for a while. This stood out to me because he seemed to be distracted while he was fiddling with the scarf's material. Even from where I stood, it was obvious to me that his eyes weren't focused on what they were looking at. I don't think I've ever seen Rui this distracted while feeding the chickens. They eventually began pecking at his legs to demand for more food and that's when he finally snapped out of his trance.

I wonder what he was thinking about.

Chapter Text

I went to the forest creek to look for a pebble for Nene this morning and I think I spent too much time wading through the frigid waters to fulfill my end of the deal. Now, my fingers are quivering as I write and I still feel chilly even after drinking some lavender tea and having lunch, so I fear I might be coming down with a cold.

The sneeze I let out just now was so loud that Rui popped in a moment later to ask if I was alright. While I was explaining, his gaze landed on my trembling hands and his eyes narrowed once he connected the dots. He scolded me for going there despite the cold weather these days and then advised me to take the remainder of the day off to rest before it worsens. I think he was also irked that I'd sought Nene's help again, but he just told me to get well soon and grabbed the stack of documents I was supposed to review today before leaving.

With barely anything to do in my office, my mind wandered to my finds from this morning. I reached into my drawer and took out the amber rock I'd found from the creek to admire it. I couldn't tell Rui that this was the reason I spent so much time soaking my hands and feet in the freezing waters to look for a pebble for Nene.

Against the sunlight, the see-through rock's rich amber colour shone with a hue that reminded me of the glorious topazes of Rui's eyes. I can't help but smile while gazing at it. It's like I'm looking at Rui from an... intimate distance that he'd never afford me. It feels like a waste to keep the rock shut away in my drawer when its brilliance shines best under the sun. I want to see it at all times as I work, but if I kept it on my desk, I've no doubt that Rui would ask about its origins. And if that happens, I don't know if I could face the consequences of letting the truth slip out of my lips.

I suppose I'll heed Rui's advice for today and rest. I'll place the rock by my windowsill in my room instead. It's not the best place for it, but it makes a better home than my drawer, at least.

I should make one more cup of lavender tea for today.

Chapter Text

I feel better than I did yesterday, but I don't think I'm fully recovered. I was a little sluggish and didn't complete my work as fast as usual because I was taking more breaks than I normally would. Still, I was well enough to be out and about, which was of utmost importance because Rui finished Catsimir's chair today.

The chair really resembles the one in my office, down to the cushions and the dimensions. Best of all, I think Catsimir likes it! His posture was still awful, but he didn't roll off the chair or slouch even more when we set him on it. Seeing him meow at us with his innocent eyes while seated with his front paws hovering over his belly was simply adorable and I wish I could carry him off to the town square to show off how endearing he is to everyone in town. I thanked Rui for making it and told him I'd gladly treat him to a meal for this anytime if he still hasn't decided on what to ask of me. Curiously, he said he'd consider it and left it at that before packing up his tools to return to work.

I left the chair by the kitchen with a sign telling everyone that it's Catsimir's. He seems to like sitting there whenever he's indoors. I wonder if we should have another chair for him that's placed along the corridor so that he can sit properly there, too.

Later, Rui began nodding off shortly after we got seated for lunch, which was a little unusual. He oversleeps from time to time, and I know he dozes off on occasion during work hours too, but I don't think he has ever been so fatigued that he falls asleep right after walking down to the cafeteria and picking up his food. I wonder if he stayed up at night to apply the finishing touches to the chair. I shook him awake and told him to sleep early tonight after working so hard these past few days. He insisted he was fine, but those words rang hollow to me with how weary he sounded. After we finished our food (Rui didn't eat very much, probably because he was just too tired to), I followed him to his room and saw to it that he got into his bed before returning to mine. A little nap is better than nothing.

Today was rather gloomy because of the heavy rain, but Rui and Catsimir made it a lot better.

Chapter Text

It's morning now as I write this, but I want to recount what happened in my dreams last night here before I forget all about them.

If I had to be frank, however, I don't want remember this nightmare. But at the same time, I rarely have such vivid dreams, so there might be a little merit to having it written down somewhere. If I ever gain the courage to interrogate these feelings with the clarity of a sage, then this nightmare might become a critical piece of the puzzle to understanding them better. But

When I first came to, I was in a vast open space. There was no floor, no walls, no ceiling, nothing. Yet I was able to somehow get my bearings and look all around me. I was certain that I was all alone until I turned and saw Rui a short distance away. I paused in my tracks, stunned beyond my mind to see him all of a sudden.

But most shocking of all was that he was crying. He kept shaking his head, but no matter how many times I called out to him, he wouldn't acknowledge me or respond. The tears continued to fall silently, and it pained me to see him in such a state of distress. I closed the distance between us with a few wide steps and stopped before him, raising my hands to cup them around his cheeks gently. When I wiped the tears from his face, he stopped shaking his head, but he wouldn't look at me still.

He was warm. I tried to soothing him with some words of encouragement, but it didn't seem like he could hear me. Just as I was about to give up, I saw his lips part and I held my breath, wondering what he was going to say. But no sound emerged. In a panic, I grabbed his arms and shouted at him, begging him to talk to me. In that moment, a black crevice appeared and started engulfing Rui. I tried desperately to pull him out of the unending darkness, but it was no use.

The last thing I saw before the darkness consumed him was his distraught, tear-streaked visage.

I woke up in a cold sweat. It took me a while to calm down and realise that it was all just a dream. A frightful, horrifying dream.

I've heard many a theory about what dreams mean. But right now... I just don't want to know. I just want to banish it to these pages and never think about it again. Even right now, I'm torn between keeping these pages intact and tearing them out and burning them in a fire.

I                                                                                                                                  

Things will be fine. Rui will be fine.

Chapter Text

The nightmare roughed me up a lot more than anticipated, it seems. I thought I was doing fine, but Rui didn't think so. He got irritated with me for not listening as he gave his report and paused to ask if I was still feeling ill. I was so sure that today would go smoothly since I'd practised my expressions in the mirror before getting started on my work, but alas. I assured him I was fine, but he frowned and said I didn't sound fine at all.

As I thought of how to respond, Rui asked if I was worrying about Saki again. I denied it, of course, but I felt my throat clench at the thought of having to disclose details about the nightmare to him if he probed further. In my haste to prevent him from doing so, I told him that I had a nightmare and got spooked by how vivid it was, and that I was getting over it already. Upon hearing that, Rui's frown deepened for a moment before it gave way to a neutral expression I couldn't read for the life of me.

I feel a sense of dread creep up from the pit of my stomach whenever I have to wait for Rui's response after answering his questions like that. I'm sure it's odd to feel that way, but I can't help it. When I see him begin to ponder over what I said in a casual conversation, it always feels as if my initial answer was wrong. Rui is sharp, so when he spends time thinking, it almost always means that he's aware that he's not being told the full story. He stared blankly at me for what felt like several minutes before simply saying that I was free to confide in him anytime if I so wished. He set his report down on my desk and told me to read it in my free time, marking this conversation done.

Just like that, a gentle wave of assurance washed over my heart. The weight on my shoulders was suddenly gone. Before he turned to take his leave, I called out to him and felt my heart skip a beat when our eyes met. The remnants of unease dislodged from my throat and I finally felt like I could smile. I thanked Rui and told him that I was already feeling better.

Rui raised a brow at my answer, but didn't question it. He reminded me to get ready for the meetings lined uo for the afternoon and wasted no time exiting the room.

I'm going to have a good lunch with Rui by my side as usual. I'm going to be ready to face the rest of the day without having to practise anything. It's going to be a good day.