Chapter Text
The first time had been after a week or so of getting ‘close’. Which was really relative, wasn’t it? She wouldn’t have said she was particularly close to anyone in the circus, really, not yet. She liked some more than others (she was kind of particularly fond of Kinger after he’d helped her out) but ‘close’ was kind of a stretch. While they were all…fine…they weren’t really the type of people she’d associate with outside of this place. Which, like, was kind of irrelevant really.
Because there was no leaving this place, ever. And so these were her options, whether she liked it or not, and she’d just have to live with that or abstract with that.
Jax had crept up on her, that was really kind of the issue. Of course he had been mildly interesting from the jump, because why be a bully when your entire world was four people (now five, with her) and two AIs? But she hadn’t really taken notice of him in a positive light until their shift at Spudsy’s, and even then she’d been hesitant. And then he’d gone and messed her up. He’d gone and apologized. Not for anything big, really, and it meant more to her than to him she thought, but it had opened the door.
And then he’d waltzed right through, and she’d let him. Which was really, really stupid. Logically she understood that it was stupid. That this was not going to end well. That when he finally got tired of the new girl he’d dump her uncerimoniously on the floor and give her a good, swift, hard kick in the pants. And then she’d be alone, but even more so than now, because everyone would think she was like him. Because, well, she kind of was. Not like he was all the time, of course, she didn’t really like bullying the others, and she did consider them friends (in the way coworkers were friends).
But there were bits of him that felt genuine, pieces of him that slipped through the cracks of whatever mask he’d pulled on for whatever reasons he had. Those bits, those she liked.
And it seemed that he liked the part of her that liked the part of him, at least a little, because he’d let her in, too. Not a lot. Not anything super substantial. He wasn’t begging to be loved like Ragatha, and he didn’t have an open door policy with strong boundaries like Zooble. But he was interested, certainly, and she had let him in, and he’d made himself comfortable in her space, so to say.
So it was after a week that she found herself in the dead of night, in the unfortunate hallway they all shared. All of them. Every single person who had ever had the misfortune of putting on the headset. A reminder that while they were here, while part of them would always remain, they might not always be here. Pomni really tried not to think about it, ever, for fear it would freak her out bad enough to start something she’d rather never experience.
Luckily, Jax’s door was directly across from hers.
Pomni shifted on her feet, her slippers softer and quieter than her normal shoes, and tugged on her oversized shirt. Jax had commented, the first time he’d seen her pajamas, on what a disaster she was. He’d asked her if she was even a girl, and gestured at Ragatha and Gangle, who were much more feminine than she’d ever wanted to be. Of course, she didn’t really care what he thought about her fashion sense. Not that she’d picked her pajamas or any clothing she’d been forcibly put into since joining the circus.
But still, she felt kind of…unattractive. Which was silly, wasn’t it? Why did she need to be attractive here? For who? Certainly not for Jax. That would be insane.
It would be insane to think that he’d ever let anyone in permanently, and it would be insane to get emotionally attached, and it would be insane to think that he’d ever, ever entertain her. He seemed to dislike her style, her pleasant interactions with everyone else, and sometimes he froze up when she tried to play with him too much. So while he’d let her in, kind of, he was still kind of hard to read.
So who knew how this would go.
After a moment, she inhaled slowly, and put her hand on the doorknob. If the door was unlocked, good! Fine! She’d keep going. If it was locked she’d run back to her room and hide. It had been locked the last time.
This time the door eased open, and she slipped in when it was big enough for her to fit, shutting the door quietly behind her and waiting with her back against it as her digital eyes adjusted to the lighting in this part of the map. It came into focus slowly, as if rendering, but she knew things were just kind of weird sometimes. She willed her body to relax, reminded herself she was safe. Ragatha had been here years. There was no way the simulation would suddenly fail now that she was here. It was okay. She was okay.
Jax’s room was new to her. Kind of bold in a cartoony way, big plush bed, thick rug, comically large and curvy furniture. Like something out of an old Mickey Mouse cartoon. Big thick lines. It was kind of fun, which was a surprise to her. Nothing villainous at all, and it was rather neat. There were a few drawings taped to the mirror that was on top of his dresser, and there were some small tchotchkes here and there. She could see him in bed, curled up, his ears draped over his comically large pillow, big blanket pulled up around him so only the top of his head peeked out.
He was facing away from her, and she exhaled slowly, then inhaled again, and then padded as quiet as she could across the room.
The bed was soft under her hand. The blanket plush as she tugged it back. It dipped when she put a knee to it and hoisted herself up, with a soft grunt of effort from how high off the ground it was. Jax rolled over, one of his arms falling from his torso. So that when she slipped under the covers with him, she could sidle up against him, her waist on his outstretched arm. And she did just that, curling up against him, hesitatingly at first, then bolder when he didn’t stir. He shifted exactly once, when she laid her head on his shoulder and her warm breath brushed his exposed neck. Her hand snaked around his waist, and she was tight against him, feeling his warmth, knowing if he woke up she’d have to explain a lot about this.
The door was unlocked seemed like a lame excuse to the question of hey Pomni, what the hell?
But she hadn’t had a moment to spiral, because the moment she relaxed, she was out like someone had flipped a switch. And up until that moment she hadn’t slept so soundly in the circus. But now she had no dreams, no nightmares, no nothing. Just blissful black and then she was stretching out, blanket heavy on her body, pillow soft, bed plush, and she made a little noise as she stretched, arching her back. Only belatedly did she realize she was moving a lot and making a lot of noise and—
It didn’t matter. Because Jax wasn’t in bed. And when she hastily climbed out of his bed and ran to her room to change, he wasn’t in the bedroom at all. Or the hall. And her room was, as far as she could tell, untouched. Safe. Not booby trapped. No angry note.
But still, she was nervous as she walked into the main room, where she could hear everyone else already awake, enjoying the complimentary breakfast. Well, okay, all the meals were complimentary, but breakfast felt so hotel-like that she kind of had difficulty calling it anything else in her head.
Jax was on a couch with Gangle, and he was menacing her croissant with some jam as she whined that she hated strawberry, while Zooble was watching Ragatha talk with Kinger with a strange sort of attention that Pomni wasn’t sure how to place, just yet. Interest, for sure, but she wasn’t sure where they were heading with it. When she approached herself she noticed Jax’s eyes flick her way, before going back to Gangle’s teary face.
“Pomni!” Ragatha said, cutting herself off from whatever story she’d been telling Kinger, “Good morning! Did you sleep well?”
Jax didn’t look at her, but his body shifted, just a bit, so she knew his attention was on her. But what that meant, or if it was good or bad, was a mystery to her. Her stomach twisted from the uncertainty of it all, making her shift uncomfortably on her feet. Ugh, this was dumb. She wished he’d stayed and yelled at her. Or told her to knock it off. Or asked her to come back, maybe. No doubt she had been just as cuddled up to him in the morning as she had been when she’d fallen asleep.
”Uh,” She said, and then kind of grimaced as she admitted, “Great. Thanks. You?”
Jax’s ears perked up, and then he tossed Gangle her croissant. Pomni couldn’t help but notice that he hadn’t put jam on it, after all.
The second time, she’d eased into his unlocked door with less fear. The door was unlocked. He knew she’d come in last time. As far as she could tell, that was Jax’s way of letting her know it was okay. He was okay with this. This time he was curled up facing her, so that when she tugged the blankets back far enough to climb in with him, she could see his body. In pajamas startling similar to hers, only his were pink and yellow to her bold blue and red. After a moment of looking at him, dozing peacefully, all limb, she sat on the edge of his bed and then shifted backwards. She inched back until her back connected to his thin chest, and her hips slotted against his, so her legs rested on his, so they were every inch pressed together in a spooning position.
It felt nice. Too nice. She gently pulled one of his arms up, and draped it around her middle. She was nearly giddy when his hand gripped her and then tightened, pulling her so flush against him that she could feel everything through their thin pajamas.
“Oh,” She breathed, softly, without thinking. Jax stirred, but didn’t wake. Well, not all of him woke, anyway.
But the smell of him filled her senses, and combined with the soft warmth of him, and the plush bedding, well, she stood no chance at all. In the morning she woke up alone, but there was a cup of coffee on the nightstand, just how she took it.
“Hey, Pomni.”
Pomni had been laying in the grass, staring absently at the sky, wondering how many days it had been since she’d last slept well. Maybe four? Five? It wasn’t like she was exactly keeping count, but she was pretty sure it had been a while since her last trip across the hall. She’d been so lost in her own mind that she hadn’t really been paying attention to her surroundings, and Jax’s voice startled her out of her reverie. She sat up, surprised to see him outside.
”Uh, hey?”
Jax sat down near her, and then flopped back onto his back. The sky was half moon and stars, half bright and sunny. It met in the middle, drifted in and out of itself, blended into a sort of strange mix, as if one took two photos and then faded both so they overlapped. Pomni found it kind of interesting, even if it was also a tiny bit unsettling. Maybe she could ask for it to be evening, to recreate the stars she’d enjoyed a week or two ago.
But that would require her talking to Caine.
After a moment of silence, she fell back, too, and found that her fingers brushed Jax’s. She hadn’t realized he laid down so close to her. It was kind of a surprise that he didn’t pull away even as their fingers mingled together in the 8-bit grass. Not that she pulled away, either.
”Sky’s weird.”
”Yeah,” She said, “It is.”
”Do anything like this before?” Jax asked.
”Not a lot of star gazing in a city,” Pomni said, voice affectionate, “But if I had access to a sky like this, then sure, I would. What about you?”
”Nah.”
Pomni’s fingers brushed against his deliberately, and his hand shifted just enough that she held her breath in response. So he knew, he could definitely feel her, and he was allowing it. Her mind screamed at her to get a grip as her heart leapt in her throat and choked her. Not knowing what to say, she elected not to say anything at all. Then he’d sighed deeply and she turned her head to look at him. He was looking straight at the sky, but his fingers shifted again, returning her touch.
It was a good thing he hadn’t been talking, because her heart had been racing so loudly that she wasn’t sure she’d have been able to hear him over it, anyway.
”Sorry,” He said, and her eyes widened as he said, “I’m pretty tired lately.”
”Oh?”
”Dunno,” He shrugged, pulling his hand away. She tried not to be disappointed at the lack of contact. “Sleep’s been kind of weird. Feels like something’s missing. Would be real easier for me if that something found her way back to where she belongs.”
Pomni stared.
”Anyway. Have fun out here. I was just coming out to get some centipede friends for our favorite ragdoll.”
And with that, he got to his feet and strolled off, whistling a song that Pomni couldn’t begin to decipher. Not because she was unlikely to know it, she was pretty sure she’d be able to get it, but because her entire head was filled with one thought and one thought only:
He misses me.
The third time, Jax wrapped his arms around her when she slid into bed. Face to his chest, she nuzzled him softly, inhaled the scent of him, basked in his warmth, and for a moment she let the delirious thoughts take over. He wanted her, he missed her, this was fine. This was safe. She was allowed to like him. This friendship was super not going to blow up in her face and break her heart. This was a normal, platonic, even playing field, friendship. She cuddled all of her close friends.
Granted, she only ever had the one close friend. Both outside and in the circus. But nobody needed to know that. She’d just lie. Easy. She lied all the time. Mostly to herself, but still.
And maybe it was how soft the room was, or maybe it was how tired she was, or maybe it was that her body finally, finally relaxed when she was in bed with someone else. But she was pretty sure that time, he gave her a little petting. Soft, gentle, no asking for ‘more’, just good, platonic, totally platonic, no really, definitely, definitely platonic petting.
And maybe she was stupid, and maybe this was a problem, actually. Maybe it was a problem that she woke up in his bed like it was her own, and easily climbed down, and took the mug of coffee that mysteriously showed up on the nightstand again, as she padded across the hall to her own room, mind filled with thoughts of him. Maybe she was going to get her heart broken. Maybe this was a game to him. Maybe he had never cared, never would care.
But none of that mattered, because when she slipped into her bedroom to get ready for breakfast, there was a single gold key laying on her bed, with a slip of paper under it.
Gonna start locking the door, so you’ll need this.