Archive of Our Own

 Yoongi didn’t know when things got so shitty. When the sun stopped being his friend, the water became his worst enemy. When he began to avoid sleep, or when he stopped trusting the doctors. He didn’t know when he became surrounded by turned backs and fire was the only one who welcomed him with open arms.

He no longer smiled at the children in their prams when he took the rare journey on the train. He no longer felt his heart burst at the sight of families playing in the sea when he visited the beach every once in a while. Namjoon used to say it helped him. Keyword, used to.

The thing is Namjoon is full of bullshit. Correction, was full of bullshit. He always saw the wonder in life, even after it constantly punched him in the gut. Namjoon wasn’t as weak as Yoongi, he always got up off the floor ready to fight, ready to smile mockingly in the faces of everything bad. Namjoon was strong.

Yoongi wasn’t strong however. When life threw him to the ground he just lay there, curled up and ready to drown in his tears. Someone was always there to help him up however reluctant he was. Someone always pulled him out of the salty water before he drowned and made him see reason. Not anymore though, nobody was there to save him anymore.

He never knew where the fascination with fire came from, maybe because it was so destructive, that it was so easy to lose control of. Just like himself. Just like Seokjin.

Seokjin was the first to turn his back, the first to leave Yoongi. He tried so hard to fight, Seokjin always was a fighter from the day he was born. Yoongi remembers his mother telling him with teary eyes that he entered the world way before he should’ve, that he almost didn’t make it. By a miracle however he pulled through, this poor sickly child who had yet to open his eyes, fought to stay in a world he hadn’t even seen yet. Seokjin’s mother told him that on the day it snowed the most in 23 years.

Seokjin was supposed to be born on Christmas Day his mother laughed as she told Yoongi, “He never could wait for Santa to come though.”  She wiped at her runny nose with a scrunched up tissue Namjoon had handed her earlier that day.

Yoongi thought Seokjin should’ve given up that first time in 1992. He lived 23 years for life to cruelly dangle his future in front of him, just out of reach as he balances precariously on the edge of a cliff, and just as he’s gets it in his fingers, just as he’s about to grab it, it gets dropped into the cavern and Seokjin topples over on his tiptoes and goes falling after it.

Jeongguk was the next to turn his back, his own brother. Life was hard for them both after leaving their parents who constantly spat words of hate at them for their preferred company (or companies in Yoongi’s case)

Yoongi had to work multiple jobs just to pay the rent and feed them. He had to save all year round just for a mediocre birthday present.  Jeongguk, sweet, sweet Jeongguk, always smiled brightly though, never complained, never frowned.

As soon as he got out of school he got himself a job, he saved and saved and saved all the money that he didn’t give to Yoongi to help pay the bills, and bought his older brother his first birthday present in 3 years.

Yoongi cried on that birthday for a different reason. Poor Jeongguk thought he bought him something he didn’t like, “I can return it and you can buy something else if you want, I was just- it’s always so cold and I thought maybe.” Yoongi pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, ultimately shutting him up and whispering a thank you. The burgundy scarf and gloves set was the first present Jeongguk ever bought with his own hard earned money. It was also the last.

Yoongi was antsy after losing Seokjin and started drinking more. Alcohol was never Yoongi’s friend. He got angry often, especially when he was drunk. Jeongguk tried to stop him, tried to make him see he was slowly killing himself, physically killing himself or mentally killing himself Yoongi never knew which.

Yoongi pushed him, Jeongguk hit him. Yoongi deserved it and he knew. Drunk Yoongi didn’t know though (Yoongi liked to refer to this ‘person’ as Suga). Suga wiped the blood from his lips and got up from the floor. Jeongguk grabbed the front of his shirt, tried to get through to him again, “Yoongi, please!” His younger brother pleaded with him again. Yoongi didn’t react but Suga did.

He pushed him down onto the floor and into the couch. Jeongguk cried out in pain and held onto his side. His heart pained at the sight a little but not enough, he picked up a chair and threw it at the mirror.

Maybe he knew he was too far gone, maybe a little bit of Yoongi got through who cared about his brother too much, maybe he did it to scare Jeongguk away so he didn’t have to see him or Suga again.

It must’ve worked anyway despite the reason because when Yoongi returned home, sober and way too aware of his earlier actions, Jeongguk was gone. He cried on the phone to Namjoon telling him that he fucked up and that his brother was gone. Namjoon told him to not worry and that Jeongguk would come home soon enough, Jeongguk was the most forgiving person he’s ever met. Namjoon talked bullshit again, Jeongguk didn’t come home.

Yoongi woke up to his doorbell ringing and his head spinning. He was lying on someone’s lap instead of the pillows of the couch and looked up to see Hoseok asleep, head leaning on his own shoulder in an uncomfortable looking position, sat up, and mouth wide open. Namjoon must’ve called him to check on Yoongi and used the spare key to get in.

He picked his phone off the floor where he dropped it in misery after talking to Namjoon, he must’ve fallen asleep soon after that. He puts the device in his pocket and sets off to the door, wincing at the throbbing in his head.

He unlocks the door and frees the chain (Hoseok listened to those safety presentations at school a little too seriously). He sees two police officers standing at his door, not an unusual sight due to Jeongguk getting into fights recently.

He sighs and rubs his free hand hand at his eyes, his other holding the door open. “What did he do now?” Yoongi asks slightly amused, but the officers don’t smile and just stare at him solemnly.

“Are you Min Yoongi?” The female asks and Yoongi nods.

“Is he in the car? Or did he land himself in a cell this time?” Yoongi smiles.

“Can we come in?” This is different, this isn’t how it usually goes. Jeongguk is either brought to the door or is sat in the car, they drop him off and leave him with a warning. They never ask to come in. His smile slowly fades away, he grips onto the door. Did Jeongguk report him? Was he being arrested? He sure as hell deserved it.

“Why?” Yoongi is tense, his stomach is churning. He doesn’t hear the light footsteps behind him.

“What’s going on?” Hoseok goes from half asleep to concerned in an instant.

“We would just like to talk to Yoongi here.”

“You’re not coming in, what’s this about.” Yoongi can feel acidic bile rising up his throat. He tries to peer at the police car, “Where’s Jeongguk?”

It was the officers’ turn to sigh, the male speaks up, “Sir, we’re sorry to tell you but your brother was hit by a car this evening-“

“Which hospital is he at?” Yoongi asks. He checks his phone for any missed calls, maybe they came here because he missed the hospital ringing him. His notifications are clear.

“We’re sorry but he died on the way.”

The world seems to stop, Yoongi sees everything in that moment. He sees the tears in the young woman’s eyes, she didn’t know him why is she crying? She never saw his toothy grin, she never heard his melodic laugh, she shouldn’t be crying. Hoseok’s eyes go blank, he feels nothing, an emotion he’s only registered a few times before, as recently as with Seokjin and as early as with his Grandmother.

“Okay.” Yoongi hears them asking for him to come to the station before he slams the door shut and pulls the chain for the first time in his life.

Yoongi goes limp, he falls to the ground and the bile is clawing at the back of his throat begging to escape. His stomach hurts and he just wants to throw up. It’s cold in the doorway, the draft coming in from the gap in the door ripping at his skin. He hears the car outside start up and drive away, they must get this a lot.

Hoseok is frozen in place until the first sob comes from Yoongi’s lips. He’s on the floor in an instant pulling him into a hug. Yoongi doesn’t deserve comfort, this is his fault. He tries to push him away but gives in soon enough. He knows he shouldn’t accept it but Yoongi is selfish, he always thought of himself.

He sobbed and cried all night, Hoseok joined him on occasions while he held him. He throws up until nothing comes up. The pain in his head is raging and it hurts to even move slightly. Hoseok tries his hardest not to but he falls asleep eventually exhausted.

Yoongi doesn’t want to talk to anyone but somehow finds himself on the phone crying again to Namjoon, then Taehyung, then Jimin, having to tell them they’ve lost yet another friend. He even calls Seokjin’s number and cries to the voicemail.

They all arrive soon enough and don’t leave until Jeongguk’s funeral the next week. It was simple and filled with his friends. His parents show up, he glares over at Namjoon for inviting them. He doesn’t speak to them as he’s put in the ground, he scoffs at his mother who cries for the son she didn’t love.

Hoseok and Namjoon stay with him afterwards when everyone else is gone. His parents approach him, they apologize and cry, not knowing the damage they did until their son was gone. He looks over at his step-father (he might as well be his father, after all he never knew the guy and he raised him from the age of 2) and remembers he and Jeongguk were only half related. It never felt that way though, their bond was always strong.

He lets his mother hug him, lets his step-father pat his back as he shakes. They disappear after that, obviously still not accepting Yoongi. That’s okay, they shouldn’t after all he did. He’s the one who took Jeongguk away from them. He’s the reason Jeongguk’s in the ground. And after all, they always did favour Jeongguk. Yoongi was just a big mistake and he always would be no matter how many times his mother told him she loved him (back when he was younger of course).

He thanks Namjoon who just pulls him close. He grips onto the back of Namjoon’s suit jacket and almost buckles to the floor again, Hoseok helps keep him up.

Yoongi probably was never okay after that, he was probably resigned to his fate the moment the doorbell rang.

Namjoon was next. The cigarettes were never good for him, Hoseok always told him that. It started as simple breathlessness and then coughing and choking. He got himself checked out because everyone nagged him to.

It was cancer that started in his lungs. He left it too long however, always putting off checks. They tried to treat it but it just got worse. That’s how eventually 4 boys watched on as a frail body took it’s last, shaky breath. They got to say goodbye this time, not that it made them feel any better.

Yoongi hung his head, the red roses watching him accusingly from the bedside. Namjoon left on their one year anniversary.

After a moment of quiet, Taehyung began to wail. Hoseok reached over and held him in his lap. He always had a habit of that, holding people through their pain, always thinking of others first. He held Namjoon’s right hand in his own and Yoongi held his left. They both felt the remaining warmth leave him, the last of the life he had in him.

Taehyung yelled and screamed, not only had he now lost his best friend but also another person he loved. Jimin tried to drag him out by his wrist, tears streaming down his face also but Taehyung resisted. A nurse eventually came in and managed to remove him from the room telling him to calm down. Jimin apologized to the pair before following his distraught friend.

It was quiet for a while, neither Yoongi or Hoseok cried in those moments. Yoongi looked over at the pale face of his former lover and remembered when it used to be full of life. The way his skin was a beautiful golden colour, like he was kissed by the sun at birth. The way his smile would bring out those cute dimples on his cheeks and make Yoongi’s bad days better.

But now lying in bed was a boy who was not Namjoon, dead or alive. His cheeks were sunken, the inability to eat or take in nutrients from a battered immune system took its toll on his entire body, sapping him of the vital fat he needed. He used to love kissing his chubby cheeks, he used to love tickling his ribs that were now sticking out in a sickening way.

He used to love the laugh that would cause Namjoon to throw his head back. Namjoon didn’t laugh in his last days. He only smiled when they said their goodbyes, even then it was sad and tear filled. Yoongi hates what person Namjoon was forced into.

“I remember when he asked me if I would be interested in a threeway relationship,” Yoongi looks over at Hoseok on the opposite side of the bed, they’re both still holding his hands. The doctor will arrive soon to take him away. “I said no way and we left it at that. But afterwards I got curious, I wondered what it would be like. I started looking at you differently, there was always an attraction but not enough for me to want to risk anything.” Yoongi laughed, he’s heard bits of this story before.

“I spoke to him about it again one day, told him we could give it a go if he was still interested. His eyes lit up Yoongi, actually lit up.” Yoongi sniffled, he’s seen that complete look of happiness on Namjoon’s face only a few times since he’s known him. Now he won’t ever again.

“He approached you about it, asked you also. It only took you a few days to give him a thumbs up. I remember the first night you stayed was strange, I was used to sleeping beside one person not two. But it was a nice strange.” Hoseok’s bottom lip wobbled.

“I-I remember the first time I kissed him.” Yoongi’s heard this story many times. “When we were 15, we were in a field full of wildflowers. I was talking about school and he just kissed me, it was so spontaneous and such a Namjoon thing to do. I remember being shocked, he looked like he was about to run, so I kissed him again.”

Namjoon and Hoseok were together for a while before Yoongi became part of their relationship. Even though they had a thing for a few months when they were 15, they met other people and it was only when they were 20 they started dating again.

Yoongi always felt like an intruder, like he was wrong to be there. Namjoon and Hoseok always told him to shut up and stop being silly. Hoseok tried to stop the stray tear from falling, his eyes an angry red.

“I miss him so much Yoongi, I miss those months ago when he smiled, when he held our hands and hugged us and it was so warm and full of sunshine.” He’s bent over and shaking, his breaths are sharp and make ugly noises. “I want him back. I want them all back. Seokjin, Jeongguk, Him.”

Yoongi beckons him over into his lap. It was Hoseok’s turn to break. Hoseok is too big and long to sit in Yoongi’s embrace comfortably but it doesn’t matter. His sobs are awful, Yoongi’s only ever heard him cry like this a few times. He strokes his hair, hushes him and cries into his shoulder also.

“I know Seok, I know, me too.”

Namjoon is buried next to Seokjin and Jeongguk. Funerals were becoming something familiar to the 4 who remained. Yoongi’s suit has never been worn so much or covered in so many tears. They all stay together for a good few hours after the burial is done. Yoongi apologizes to the stone before him, he tried to get Namjoon’s parents here but they refused.

They place extra flowers at Seokjin and Jeongguk’s graves before they leave, still mourning their losses also. Taehyung and Jimin are the first to reluctantly walk off in the direction of the parked car, shortly followed by Hoseok who squeezes Yoongi’s hand before he leaves and saying a final goodbye for the day.

Yoongi stays for an extra few minutes, alternating between looking at the different names before him. He speaks for the first time that day. “You take care of him, okay.” He sniffs and swallows around the lump in his throat. “Scratch that. You take care of eachother, okay?” Yoongi knows they will. They always will.

“I love you.” He doesn’t know who he directs it to, he thinks about all of them though as he says it. He wipes underneath his eyes with grubby hands before following the others to the car.

Taehyung was the next to leave. Yoongi knew of Taehyung’s father’s temper, the way he would beat Taehyung when he simply felt like it. Taehyung ran away and was sleeping on Namjoon’s sofa until… Well…

After that he moved in with Jimin. His older friend didn’t mind, thankful for the extra company and gave him the spare bed to sleep on. The same bed that once held Seokjin through his dreams. Unsurprisingly, Taehyung spent his nights huddled up next to Jimin underneath his sheets.

One lazy afternoon in spring the 4 boys were hanging out together at Jimin and Taehyung’s place not particularly doing anything. Their hangouts were quieter nowadays.

Yoongi and Hoseok had passed out on the sofa, TV quietly running through drama episodes from last night. They both found it easier to sleep in the day and surrounded by their remaining friends. Jimin was sat in the small garden area alone, thinking about what they would be doing right now if there were still 7 of them here. Taehyung was sat in an armchair next to the sofa Hoseok and Yoongi were tangled together on, the armchair faced the back door though rather than the television.

He alternated between watching his two sleeping friends and Jimin. Hoseok’s hand was in Yoongi’s hair from where he had been stroking it earlier, his other dangled off the side of the couch, Yoongi was resting on his chest and their (now) youngest friend stared at the dark circles under his (now) oldest friend’s eyes. Maybe Yoongi needed medication also. They breathed deeply together and Taehyung liked them this way, they didn’t look as troubled as they did when they were awake. It was also one of the times they didn’t argue.

The glass doors were open and Taehyung could hear the birds chirping. It would’ve been a perfect spring day if it wasn’t for the 3 empty spaces that caused such an eery quiet. He watches Jimin smile at a bee that flies past and finds himself smiling with him. Jimin was so pure, still saw wonder. Taehyung thinks Jimin looks beautiful in that moment.

Don’t get him wrong, Taehyung didn’t think of Jimin in that way, Taehyung just knew how to appreciate pretty things. That was rare these days though. He and Jimin were strictly friends and always will be, anyway Taehyung had his chance at love but waited too long in silence and it slipped out of his fingers. He swore to never love again.

Thinking about Seokjin he remembers the letter he left him. He left them all letters. Seokjin knew deep down he wouldn’t live to grow grey hairs, to have children of his own. He knew of his weak heart and so he wrote them all letters.

He finds himself walking through the small home and standing outside Seokjin’s room. He turns the handle and stares into the untouched room. Well, all untouched apart from the bed. He’s caught Jimin crying in here a few times, he doesn’t like to think about how many times he’s done so before Taehyung moved in.

He sits on the made bed, white sheets pulled tight and pillows fluffed up. Seokjin always made his bed in the morning. His room smells like roses and peaches. It smells like Seokjin. Not that Taehyung ever made a habit of sniffing their oldest friend.

He notices the white flowers in bloom on his bedside table. Jimin must come in here more often than he thought. Seokjin always had a vase of white tulips on his bedside, he said they reminded him of his grandmother. When Taehyung asked Seokjin one sleepy night why he loved his grandmother so much apart from the obvious answer that she’s family, he said that it was because he had some of his happiest moments with her.

Taehyung opens Seokjin’s drawer and retrieves the item he was looking for. As he held the camera in his hand he remembered the written words in which Seokjin gave the camera to him. He clicks the power button and is surprised to find it still has battery. He knows he shouldn’t, knows it will just reopen the wounds, but he clicks the preview button.

He’s met by a smiling picture of all seven of them. The picture’s the last Seokjin ever took of them, the last adventure all had together. The camera’s filled with pictures of their travels, forest adventures, times they went to the old pool, the beach, and the docks.

There’s a picture of Taehyung. It’s sunset at the docks and he’s on his own staring out to sea, looking the opposite way from Seokjin. Seokjin’s camera has a note feature, Taehyung doesn’t know why, he thinks maybe it’s to document where and when things were taken.  None of the pictures have notes attached except this one. He clicks the middle button on the scroll pad.

“I may never be able to tell you how I feel personally, but please know I fell impossibly more in love with you in this moment. I tried my hardest to take pictures of the sunset, but how could I when there was something so much more beautiful standing before me. Your smile is equal to a thousand sunsets and more, your laughter is my favourite song that I could listen to on repeat, and your sparkling eyes put diamonds to shame. I won’t tell you this, but please know I always wanted to.”

Taehyung doesn’t know he’s crying until water splashes down onto the camera. He was an idiot, too oblivious to have known this. By not opening his mouth in fear of rejection he resigned Seokjin to the same fate. All the little touches, all the little talks. He should’ve known. But Taehyung was stupid, and always has been. His father was right.

He doesn’t know how long he cries or when he stops but when he comes back to himself he’s lying face first into Seokjin’s pillow and breathing in his scent. He wishes he could change everything.

He thinks about Jimin sitting outside and remembers why he has the device in his hands in the first place. Neither of them had taken pictures since Seokjin died, they never saw something pretty or happy enough. Taehyung thinks it’s time to change that.

He’s about to make his way back to the living room when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He carefully places the camera on the bed before retrieving his phone from his pocket. He stares at the familiar number with a frown.

Jimin is startled by a loud bang that comes from inside the house behind him and watches as the birds scatter into the sky. “Don’t go…” he whispers sadly. He only ever felt sane watching the birds. He turns around in his chair and sees his two friends rubbing at their eyes sleepily.

Yoongi can’t remember what woke him up but whatever did also gained the attention of Jimin and woke up Hoseok also. He glances around the room confused before asking, “Where did Taehyung go?”

They wait until the late night for Taehyung to return home but he doesn’t. Jimin tells them both to not worry, Taehyung gets like this sometimes and goes out to clear his head. Yoongi and Hoseok wait with Jimin into the early morning until their younger friend has to fight sleep away, they help him to his room and ask him if he’d like them to stay. He says he’ll be fine so they bid him a goodnight before leaving and locking up the house behind them with the spare key.

Yoongi doesn’t sleep that night, something not sitting right in his stomach. Hoseok is restless even with his medication. At times like this Yoongi wishes Namjoon was here.

When it reaches the second day without any contact from Taehyung they start to get suspicious. Jimin says it’s rare but Taehyung has stayed out multiple days before, once he was gone for just over a week. He usually messages him though to let Jimin know he’s okay. Maybe Taehyung wasn’t in the mood to talk right now.

When Jimin finds the camera out of the drawer in Seokjin’s room and the bed sheets crumpled he starts to get worried. Jimin knew of his friend’s feelings for his former housemate and of Seokjin’s feelings for Taehyung. He tries not to think about it too much and assumes that Taehyung is more upset than usual. Yeah, that has to be it.

They don’t want to think that they may have lost another friend so that’s exactly what they do, they don’t think about it. They don’t speak about it and try their hardest to think of other things. It always creeps back up on them though and causes them to bite at their lips.

There’s no more denying when it reaches the second week. Yoongi plugs in Namjoon’s phone with shaky hands and watery eyes, he’s surprised to see it’s ran out of battery. He does this often, although it’s been about a month since last time. Sometimes he and Hoseok do it together.

It might be invasive to go through their dead boyfriend’s phone but it holds everything Namjoon was inside it. Poems, pictures, lyrics, everything. He returns after a few minutes and sees the bright screen of Namjoon’s lock screen. He glances over at Hoseok and decides against waking him up, after all he struggles to sleep as it is even with his sleeping tablets.

He’s not fazed when he when he sees a voicemail notification, the four of them call his number a lot to hear his voice. He quickly grows frightened when he reads it’s from Taehyung and from only a few hours ago.

Yoongi types in the passcode frantically (9493, the years that Yoongi and Hoseok were born) and calls the three digit number on screen. He impatiently listens to the robotic woman’s voice as she reads out Taehyung’s phone number before he is met with silence. It’s not complete silence, he can hear something quiet in the background like water. There’s a shaky breath and a gulp before a familiar voice starts to speak.

“Hyung-“ There’s some sniffling and it doesn’t take a genius to know that Taehyung is upset. Yet again, sniffling isn’t unusual in Namjoon’s recent voicemails so Yoongi isn’t too worried. “I want to see you hyung.”

There’s a strangled sob from Taehyung and Yoongi feels wet on his cheeks also. He goes to end the message, after all he shouldn’t be listening to this it’s between Namjoon and Taehyung, but his younger friend starts speaking again.

“I-I did something really bad hyung. He was hitting her and she was telling him to stop she called me for help hyung and I saw what he’d been doing- what he was doing. I should never have left hyung, I did it to make things better but he just moved onto her instead.” His younger friend is rambling and Yoongi knows he’s talking about his father.

“I went back home and saw him hitting her. I was so angry hyung I didn’t even know what I was doing until he was on the floor. She kept telling me to stop but it just made me angrier. When I… When I realized what I’d done it was too late.”

Yoongi’s blood runs cold at his friend’s next words. “I killed him hyung. I killed him and everything’s gone wrong. I made her watch, I’ve ruined everything for her. I-I kept stabbing him and she told me to stop but I couldn’t because it felt right hyung and I know it’s wrong but it did. I thought about killing her too which is so fucking awful but I’ve ruined her and I selfishly thought if I killed her she couldn’t tell. I almost killed her to get off the hook. She told me to go, told me she wouldn’t tell. I’ve never seen her so scared hyung. So scared of me. She told me to run so I ran and didn’t look back because I’m a coward.” Yoongi is trying to shake Hoseok awake, the phone still to his ear and listening to Taehyung’s confession.

“She won’t have to be scared anymore though hyung… not after today.” Yoongi feels his heart sink with dread. “I’m going to make it better hyung, I’m going to make it right.” There’s a long beep signalling the end of the voicemail and Yoongi hangs up before the woman’s mechanical voice can return. He scrolls down Namjoon’s contacts list with a racing heart until he finds Jimin’s name and brings the phone to his ear. It only rings a couple of times before Jimin picks up.

“…J-Joonie-hyung?” Yoongi’s heart breaks a little at Jimin’s hopeful tone. His younger friend sounds like he’s just woken up. Maybe he thought this past year was all a dream… if only. Yoongi feels Hoseok beginning to stir under his hand.

“Sorry Jimin it’s Yoongi-“ Before he can finish Jimin is speaking again.

“What the hell! Why are you calling me on Namjoon’s phone?” Jimin sounds mad. Maybe Yoongi should’ve thought ahead and used his own phone.

“Look I know but it’s about Tae,” Jimin goes quiet after that. “He called Namjoon’s phone and he was going on about all this crazy shit, saying he’s killed his Dad and his sister being scared and he ran away and that she won’t have to be scared after today.” Hoseok’s woken up and is sat up listening and rubbing at his eyes sleepily.

Yoongi takes a deep breath before saying his next words. “Jimin I… I think he’s going to kill himself.” Hoseok’s suddenly awake at that, pulling his shoes on and scrambling around for his car keys. Jimin is quiet except for his shallow breaths before asking Yoongi and Hoseok to come and pick him up.

It doesn’t take long to get to Jimin’s house, not with Hoseok’s driving anyway, their younger friend is already waiting outside as they pull up at the front and he immediately opens a door and slides into the back.

“I know where he is,” Jimin says holding up a camera in his hand. Yoongi immediately recognises it as Seokjin’s. “He’s at the docks.”

“The docks?” Yoongi asks and looks over at Hoseok in the driver’s seat. “You sure?” He directs his gaze back towards Jimin.

“There’s a photo.” Jimin explains and Yoongi furrows his eyebrows.

“A photo?”

“Look he’s there I swear it okay, I know he’s there-“

“Okay, okay don’t worry about it we’ll go to the docks okay?” Yoongi reassures his panicked friend and Jimin nods taking deep breaths. Since the events of the past year Jimin gets panicked easily and often has to calm himself down. “Fasten up.” Yoongi says with a soft smile and Jimin does as he’s told.

The drive so far is quiet and Yoongi doesn’t dare to look at the speedometer not sure he wants to know how fast his boyfriend is driving.

Jimin breaks the silence a few minutes in, “I thought… I thought I’d dreamt it all.” Yoongi turns to see Jimin looking out the right rear window. “I thought I’d just had a terrible nightmare. Deep down I knew it was real but when I saw Namjoon’s name…” Yoongi feels terribly guilty.

“I’m sorry Jiminnie, I shouldn’t have done that I should’ve used my own phone.” Jimin just turns to him and shakes his head. Lovely Jiminnie who’s always so full of forgiveness.

“It’s okay, I understand the call was important.” His voice is so small and fragile, he still has hope left in his heart. “I just… I thought for one silly moment he was still alive.”

“Well he’s not, he’s gone like the rest of them.” Jimin’s small smile falls and he returns to gazing out the window, watching the world whizz by. Yoongi scowls and looks over at Hoseok who’s focused on the road. Yoongi knows he’s slipped into a bad day.

A few silent seconds go by before Jimin speaks up again, “Do you remember when Seokjin used to sing?” Yoongi smiles to himself as he remembers Seokjin’s voice. It was beautiful and Namjoon always wanted to make a song with Seokjin featuring. “When I got sad or struggled to sleep he always used to sing to me. I miss that.”

“Well maybe you should’ve recorded it.” Hoseok looks into the rear-view mirror and frowns.

Jimin looks skittish for a second, almost like he’s about to go into a panic attack, before furrowing his eyebrows. “Why must you always be so mean and deflect any talk about our friends?” Yoongi is shocked as Jimin never usually retaliates towards Hoseok’s behaviour, he doesn’t condemn it though as Jimin deserves to speak his mind.

Hoseok is harsh when people talk about Namjoon, Jeongguk, or Seokjin, particularly so with Jimin. Yoongi has warned his boyfriend in the past that if he carries on pushing the boy or not let him grieve openly that he may relapse. Hoseok always seems to forget after a couple of weeks.

“Because you’re always talking can you just shut up for one minute.”

Jimin looks hurt and gazes down at his lap. “I talk because I care.”

“Well maybe you should care about Taehyung right now.” Hoseok retorts.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jimin’s cheeks turn pink as he gets angry.

“It means that your friend is probably going to kill himself and you don’t even seem bothered.”

“Of course I’m bothered but I know that Taehyung wouldn’t do that.” Jimin looks down at his feet in the footwell. “Taehyungie would never do that…” Hoseok scoffs at his friend’s remark.

“Like we all haven’t thought of it?” The car goes quiet and Yoongi glances over at Hoseok who’s gripping the steering wheel tightly. Hoseok opens his mouth a couple of times before saying, “Why do we always have to talk about them? Can we just, stop for one day?” His voice wavers and Yoongi notices the way his eyes shine. Jimin nods and looks out the window again.

They’re past the more built-up area of the city and on the coastal road when Yoongi notices the way Hoseok’s eyes are drooping. “Hey, you sure you’re okay to drive?”

“I’m fine.” Hoseok snaps, tensions still high after the argument earlier. Yoongi retreats further in his seat and turns to look at Jimin asleep in the backseat, remembering that he woke him up from his nap earlier with his phone call. The younger boy struggles to keep the nightmares away whilst Taehyung has been gone.

It takes them 30 minutes in total to reach the docks and Yoongi bites his lip anxiously as they arrive. Jimin wakes up as the car jolts around on the gravel before coming to a stop. Yoongi looks out the window to see that Hoseok has driven to the area they all used to hang out at on the weekends.

They all get out of the small car and Yoongi instinctively looks over at the docking bay to his right. He and Jeongguk used to sit there and talk. He frowns and walks over to where Jimin and Hoseok are on the other side of the car.

“He’s not here.” Hoseok’s voice is shaky.

“Then where is he?” Yoongi’s heart is racing as he looks around. “Maybe he’s somewhere else?” Maybe Yoongi was wrong, maybe their youngest friend had returned home while they were out.

Jimin points at the low stone wall used to break the waves so they don’t flood the parking area. “There’s something over there.” There’s a small item sat on top of the wall and Jimin is already walking over to it.

Hoseok and Yoongi aren’t too far behind him when Yoongi sees a sheet of paper flap in the wind. His heart skips a beat and he prays it isn’t what he thinks it is. His pace quickens as Jimin runs to reach the items.

Jimin stills for a moment as he gets to the wall, not looking down at the paper or the small item and he gazes out at the water instead. Yoongi is in a full sprint before Jimin can scream.

“Taehyung!” Yoongi’s throat closes up at Jimin’s cry and he already knows what’s happened as he realises they’re next to the hangar. Jimin is running towards the water and Hoseok is yelling for him to come back. Jimin can’t swim.

They both follow their friend into the water and manage to reach him and hold him back. Jimin resists at first before becoming limp in Hoseok’s arms and sobbing. Yoongi looks out across the water and sees somebody washed up on the sand.

Yoongi’s legs go weak and he finds himself kneeling in the cold water. He should’ve known what to expect but he decided to have hope for once in his life.

Hoseok manages to get them both back on the bay and finds a spare towel in his car to wrap around Jimin who is shivering after falling into the cold water, Yoongi’s only wet from the knees down. Jimin is silent and stares ahead of him, his damp hair falls in front of his eyes but Yoongi can see the tears on his cheeks.

Hoseok is on the phone to the police and Yoongi looks to his right and sees the paper from earlier being weighed down by Taehyung’s phone. He slides the sheet from under the mobile phone and reads the writing on the front. ‘To Jiminnie-hyung, Hoseok-hyung, and Yoongi-hyung’.

Jimin glances over at the letter in Yoongi’s hand before looking ahead of him again. Hoseok sits down beside Yoongi.

“The police will be here soon.” Hoseok says and Yoongi nods. He opens the letter with shaky hands and Hoseok peers over his shoulder.

‘I’m sorry. I tried so hard I really did, but everything was broken and I couldn’t fix it. I ruined everything for my sister and I ruined everything for myself. Can you please tell her I love her? I know it won’t mean much to her but I want her to know that .Yoongi-hyung please look after Hoseok-hyung, please don’t argue about me. Thank you for being my friend and please don’t feel like you could’ve helped me. Nobody could’ve helped me. Hoseok-hyung please look after Yoongi-hyung. Thank you for smiling with me and being strong for us. Please remember you are human and that you can cry sometimes. Jiminnie-hyung, please don’t give up. Please try harder than me. You’re so strong and you don’t even realise it. Please look after them and continue to have hope. I’m sorry. – Taehyung’

Hoseok’s head falls against Yoongi’s shoulder and he sighs defeated. Jimin looks over at the two and holds out his hand for the folded letter. Yoongi hands it over and Jimin stares at it for a few seconds before standing up.

Yoongi doesn’t expect Jimin to throw it into the wind so it lands in the water. He turns back around and sits on the wall again. “I want to remember him as I last saw him.” Jimin simply says.

The police arrive soon after, they question the three of them and take Taehyung away. Jimin watches them lift the body bag into the back of a van.

The journey home is silent. Yoongi watches the fading sunset bitterly and Jimin stares at his wet shoes. Hoseok is oddly calm and he drives at the speed limit.

They ask Jimin if he’d like them to stay but he denies the offer. “Call us if you change your mind.” Yoongi says. He remembers the extra phone in his pocket and hands it over to Jimin.

“We should call his sister tomorrow.” Jimin whispers staring at Taehyung’s phone in his hand. Nobody feels like they can make the call today.

As Yoongi hugs Jimin in his doorway it suddenly dawns on him that this is their last remaining friend. When Yoongi lets Jimin go, Hoseok pulls him into his arms immediately.

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok apologizes and Jimin hesitates before rubbing his back.

“It’s okay.” Jimin replies as Hoseok holds onto him tightly. They stay like that for a while, Jimin cries and repeats himself telling Hoseok that it’s okay. They finally bid Jimin goodnight, Hoseok telling him to lock up safely.

As Hoseok drives home Yoongi holds onto his free hand, the younger male looks over momentarily and smiles sadly. Yoongi hopes that they’ll be okay.

Hoseok cries a lot that night and Yoongi holds him through the nightmares.

Everything was okay for a while, or as okay as it could be. They took each day as it came and those days slowly turned into months, 4 months to be exact. But nothing can stay okay forever and after 4 months and 3 days Jimin left too.

The three usually spent their free time together, both Yoongi and Hoseok had noticed how Jimin had changed since Taehyung’s death. Their usually hopeful friend had become quiet and less talkative, his eyes didn’t sparkle the same way they used to. They had both seen the light in his eyes become dimmer with each passing until it had flickered out completely with Taehyung gone. They both kept their eye on him.

They saw how Jimin was struggling and so they always managed to squeeze out a small smile for him at the end of a tough day. He didn’t always smile back.

Today would’ve been like any other day, the two of them would go and hang out at their friend’s house but Jimin was working so Yoongi decided to help Hoseok catch up on sleep instead.

Yoongi never really thought of it as helping, all he did was lie next to Hoseok as he dreamt, but his boyfriend always mumbled about how he could sleep easiest next to Yoongi so the older male never complained.

It takes Hoseok a while, as usual, but soon enough his breaths become even and his face relaxes. Yoongi likes it when Hoseok can sleep, likes it when he can escape the badness even for a few minutes.

Yoongi combs his fingers through Hoseok’s hair and watches him sigh contently in his sleep. Yoongi smiles softly, someone watching the scene without knowledge of recent events may just think it’s a simple gesture of love, however Hoseok needs this or the nightmares will come and keep him awake for days.

Hoseok’s always had trouble sleeping. Yoongi can’t remember a time he didn’t, if one even exists. Hoseok’s main problem used to be just the insomnia and not really the nightmares, but now the faces of his dead friends appear in his dreams and haunt him for the rest of the day. Yoongi wishes he could kiss the bad dreams away but life is never as simple as that.

Surprisingly, Yoongi finds his eyes drooping closed and he welcomes the promise of sleep gladly.

He’s awoken by a short, loud noise and he scrunches his nose up distastefully. He was enjoying his nap. He opens his eyes, blinking a few times to see Hoseok staring back at him. He jumps a little, startled at the sight, before laughing quietly and Hoseok smiles. Naps always make Hoseok feel better.

“It’s rude to stare.” Yoongi stretches his arms above his head and Hoseok smiles wider.

“Hm, bit hypocritical?” Hoseok retorts and Yoongi flicks his nose with a frown.

They stare at each other for a few moments, Hoseok brushes Yoongi’s fringe out of his eyes making him smile. “You should’ve woken me up, you okay?” Yoongi doesn’t like to refer to the nightmares as what they are, it just makes Hoseok remember them more.

Hoseok nods and blinks slowly, “I’m fine. Just like to watch you sleep.”

Yoongi grimaces, “Creeper alert.” Hoseok pokes Yoongi’s chest in return. Yoongi rolls onto his back so he’s facing the ceiling and lets out a long sigh. “Why am I awake?” He asks, forgetting what woke him up in the first place.

“Your phone.” Hoseok helpfully answers, rolling onto his back also.

Yoongi pushes himself up into a sitting position and nods as he remembers. He feels around on the bedside table for the device, clicks the home button, and stares at the screen. Unsurprisingly it’s a text from Jimin. He types in the passcode and opens his message box.

To: Yoongi-hyung
From: Jiminnie
I’m sorry.
sent @ 17:07

Yoongi’s veins feel like ice.

To: Jiminnie
From: Yoongi-hyung
what’s wrong?
sent @ 17:09

To: Jiminnie
From: Yoongi-hyung
jimin?
sent @ 17:10

He taps Hoseok’s chest beside him, “Hoseok, Hoseok.” The brunet sits up as Yoongi hands the phone to him. His face falls immediately before he begins to shake his head.

“This could mean anything.” But Hoseok is already out of bed and Yoongi is following after him. Hoseok gathers his keys off the kitchen counter and forces on the nearest pair of shoes he can find without undoing the laces.

“Do you think-?” Yoongi stops before he can say anymore, his heart feels like it’s missing every other beat.

Hoseok looks over at him gripping his car keys tightly. “I don’t know. It’s probably just an innocent text you know what Jimin’s like.” Yoongi nods but he’s still biting down on his lip hard. He finds some trainers with laces undone and wears them lose before tying them up when he gets in the car.

He asks Hoseok if he’s okay to drive and his boyfriend nods. They’ve had a couple of swerves when his medication is still in his system and Yoongi has had to take over driving, much to the dismay of an embarrassed Hoseok.

The drive is tense, but not with anger for once. Yoongi thinks he would prefer anger. It takes ten minutes to get to Jimin’s house and when they pull up Yoongi is already out of the car. Hoseok is close behind with his spare key in hand and unlocks the door quickly.

The house is dark, which isn’t unusual with twilight turning the sky a dark hazy blue. What is unusual is that the lamp beside the door isn’t on. Yoongi wouldn’t even be fazed if the house was in complete and utter pitch black darkness as long as that lamp was on.

Yoongi doesn’t know why he keeps the lamp on at all times, but what he does know is that the only other time he’s seen it turned off was when Jimin tried to leave the first time.

You see, a few years ago, when Jimin had lived here for only a couple of months, his grandfather said some horrible things to him. The man Jimin trusted more than anyone on this earth called him disgusting names when he found out his biggest secret. He made Jimin feel like he was worthless and so he filled the bathtub up to the top and tried to end it all.

Seokjin found him luckily and pulled him from under the water. Jimin had screamed and tried to fight him off telling him to just let him die before he gave up and crumbled in Seokjin’s arms. It took a while for Jimin to get better again but the important thing is that he did. Of course, he still had his off days here and there but more often than not he was content.

Namjoon even wrote the words ‘Inhale, Exhale, Breathe’ on the bathroom door as a reminder for Jimin to not let the thoughts get the best of him.

Yoongi walked through the quiet house, it had an eery atmosphere and he reached out for Hoseok’s hand behind him. They passed Seokjin’s open door to find a pile of wilted flower petals on the floor. He squeezed Hoseok’s hand tighter.

Yoongi’s heart seemed to sink further into his stomach as he heard water running in the bathroom. As he approaches the door he notices the words Namjoon wrote years before have been scribbled out. He tries the door handle and finds it open. The door creaks loudly into the quiet house as Yoongi pushes it open.

He cries out his friend’s name as he finds him under the water. Hoseok rushes over to the tub with Yoongi as they haul him out of the bath. They place him on the floor and Yoongi hears the taps squeak as Hoseok turns them off. The water has flooded over onto the floor leaving the tiles slippery.

Jimin isn’t breathing and Yoongi digs his fingers in his neck, Jimin’s usually warm skin is freezing cold. He hears Hoseok behind him on the phone as he searches for a pulse but Yoongi finds nothing. For the first time in his life he thanks his parents for paying for him to go on that stupid summer school trip where he learned health and safety as he tries to resuscitate his friend.

With each pump on his chest he makes that Jimin doesn’t come back, the lump in his throat becomes bigger.

“Come on Jiminnie, come on please.” He always thought people who begged in the dramas were stupid.

He hears Hoseok talking in the background but all he can focus on is making Jimin’s heart beat again. He doesn’t know how long it’s been but the desperation begins to show as Yoongi begins to press harder and harder and harder and-

And then there are long slender fingers wrapping around his wrist. “Yoongi, Yoongi please.” He looks to his side and sees Hoseok kneeling beside him. “Please let him be.” Hoseok’s voice is broken and Yoongi looks down at Jimin. His skin is pale and he’s not just cold from the water but the cold that comes with death.

“It isn’t fair hyung.” And Yoongi knows it isn’t fair to Jimin’s body so he stops. He quickly removes his hands from his chest and looks back over to Hoseok with a mildly dumbfounded expression, like when a small child is told something they don’t quite understand yet. He doesn’t know what to feel.

“It- it isn’t fair.” Yoongi repeats Hoseok with a dry voice and the younger male nods. “It isn’t fair.” He says again as he looks down at Jimin.

He’s soaked and his hair is plastered to his forehead. His eyes are closed and his face is relaxed. He looks oddly at peace.

Yoongi stares down at his own hands and brings them to his chest, he doesn’t want to touch Jimin in case he starts hurting his body again. “I’m sorry.” Hoseok looks at him worried, he’s never seen his boyfriend like this before.

“It’s- it’s okay you were trying to help.” Hoseok wraps an arm around Yoongi’s shaking frame.

The paramedics and police arrive soon after, of course it’s too late and the police talk to them outside. They let them both go after a couple of hours and the police thank them for their time.

The ride home is quiet, and unusually Hoseok is the one worrying about Yoongi instead of the other way around. He glances over at Yoongi often, who is wrapped in an old blanket he found in the boot of the car. The older male is staring out of the window sadly with his head resting against the cold glass.

When they reach home Yoongi makes no move to get out so Hoseok carefully wraps an arm under his legs and the other around his waist. He’s lighter than he remembers. Yoongi’s breath is cold against Hoseok’s neck as he fumbles with the keys to unlock the door.

Hoseok finally manages to turn the lock and kicks the door shut behind him, locking back up and pulling the chain. Yoongi’s arms around his neck tighten and Hoseok turns his head to look down at him. He’s staring into space, his face blank and unreadable.

He walks to the bedroom – or rather waddles – and sits down on the bed, resting his back against the headboard. Yoongi sits across his lap as Hoseok didn’t let him go. Hoseok is worried about his boyfriend’s silence and brings a hand up to the back of his head to stroke at the ends of his hair.

The action seems to work in bringing Yoongi out of his thoughts – or lack of – as he closes his eyes and rests his head against Hoseok’s shoulder and tucks his face into his neck. Hoseok’s breaths are shallow as he rubs in-between Yoongi’s shoulder blades.

Yoongi feels so small in his arms, almost like a child. Hoseok wonders when he became so thin. Was it the worry eating away at him? Worry that he caused? He can suddenly feel his heart in his chest, the thoughts making it race. Hoseok’s not had a panic attack for a while, a few months at least.

His chest feels warm and he looks down and sees a hand splayed across it. Yoongi, who’s still sat across his lap, stares down at it and frowns.

“I tried to help Jimin with this hand. I know it helps you so I thought- I thought it would be better.” Hoseok feels his heart rate decrease, slowly returning back to normal under Yoongi’s touch. He grips the hand in his own and kisses the back of it. “Sometimes it feels like everything I touch dies.”

Hoseok lets go of Yoongi’s hand and places it underneath his chin. He carefully tilts his head up so he can look at his face. “Don’t say that.” Hoseok’s voice shakes as he speaks. “Don’t you ever say that again.”

Yoongi feels something warm drop onto his face before sliding down his jaw and neck. “Don’t cry Hoseok.” Yoongi’s own voice wavers as wet floods onto his cheeks. They’re his own tears this time.

They cry together until the tears exhaust them. They mumble in their breaks for air, mostly Jimin’s name but sometimes things about the others. Hoseok knows Yoongi has fallen asleep when the tight grip on the back of his shirt slackens. He lets a few silent tears fall, too tired to work himself up again, before closing his eyes and resting his head against Yoongi’s. For the first time in 2 years he falls asleep instantly.

Things were fine for almost a year. In ten months the two managed to find some form of normalcy. Yoongi was finally brave enough to say that things were looking up. That was until July came. You already know who left next.

For the first couple of months Yoongi was often awoken in the middle of the night by Hoseok curled up on the other side of the bed, pulling on his hair and shouting about how it was all his fault. Yoongi would have to calm him down before reminding Hoseok that his words didn’t kill Jimin.

Yoongi sometimes wondered if things would have been different if Jimin had read Taehyung’s letter. He always quickly shakes of the thought, not liking to think about the could-have-beens.

Hoseok tried really hard in December. They spent their first Christmas together as two and Hoseok tried at every opportunity to make Yoongi smile. He often did. December was quite possibly the saddest yet happiest month for Yoongi since this whole mess started.

When they decorated the tree Yoongi frowned at the memories of Jeongguk getting tangled in the lights and Jimin singing carols. In the midst of his sadness, Hoseok tripped over a piece of tinsel and Yoongi found himself laughing as Hoseok blushed in embarrassment.

He also laughed when Hoseok swore there was a dead rat in the bottom of the decorations box.

“Hyung it’s a rat I swear.” The taller male hid behind his shorter boyfriend.

“It’s just a piece of dusty old holly, look.” Hoseok shrieked as Yoongi turned around and waggled the cobweb covered plant in his face.

“Don’t do that!” Hoseok shivered and Yoongi smiled wickedly. “… What are you doing? Why are you smiling like that? Hyung? Hyung!” Yoongi began to chase him around the room with the wilted ornament.

“Look Seokie, it’s just a little bit of holly.” Yoongi thrusted the item in Hoseok’s face and he screamed in horror as he was backed into a corner. Yoongi laughed and Hoseok frowned.

“You’re mean.” Hoseok says.

“You’re cute.” Yoongi retorts and Hoseok cheeks turn pink.

Neither of them can reach the top of the tree so Hoseok lifts Yoongi up so he can place the glittery star on the top. Yoongi remembers how Jeongguk used to do this job.

Hoseok notices Yoongi’s hesitance. “You okay?”

Yoongi nods and smiles warmly. He reaches out and stuffs the star onto the top branch. Gold glitter flakes off and falls down, catching onto the other branches. “Done.” Yoongi replies and Hoseok gently places him down onto the floor.

They step back and stare at the horribly mismatched decorations, a result as to what happens when seven people buy ornaments to their own taste. There’s purple tinsel, red tinsel, silver tinsel, multi-coloured lights, god knows how many different coloured baubles, and of course the glittering gold star that sat upon the top.

Before Hoseok goes to bed on Christmas Eve he tells Yoongi to wake him up in the morning. “Even if you feel guilty.” Hoseok warns and Yoongi nods, promising to wake him up.

He definitely feels guilt as he shakes Hoseok awake at 7 am, but a promise is a promise. Hoseok wakes up slowly and Yoongi smiles as he leans over him, “Merry Christmas.”

Hoseok smiles sleepily and runs a hand through his own hair. “Merry Christmas.” Hoseok pulls Yoongi down by the front of the shirt he was sleeping in and kisses his lips softly.

They sit on the floor next to the tree and Yoongi shivers as the heating starts up. Hoseok hands over his present first, it’s wrapped in simple red paper with a silver ribbon wrapped around the mystery gift that ends with a neat bow. Yoongi smiles wide when he reads the tag.

To: Yoongi
Merry Christmas. I love you.
From: Hoseok

There are messy little hearts drawn all over the tag and when Yoongi looks up Hoseok smiles bashfully. Yoongi unties the ribbon carefully, Hoseok tells him to hurry up excitedly but Yoongi just shakes his head. He never liked to rip presents open as a child, always methodically unwrapped them.

Yoongi still isn’t used to presents all that much, even after almost three years he gets a shock when he finds a wrapped gift sat on a table.

The present is soft and squishy under his touch, he already knows it’s clothing. He peels off the tape, thankful that it doesn’t rip the paper and gasps when the wrapping comes undone. He glances up at Hoseok who stares back nervously.

Yoongi touches the sweater carefully, the material is soft. He brings it out of the paper and holds it up in front of him letting the sleeves and bottom unfold. It’s even prettier than he thought.

“Do you like it?” Hoseok asks who’s sat in front of him. He moves the item of clothing so he can see his face.

Yoongi is speechless for a moment before smiling, “I love it.” Hoseok smiles wide at the answer and lets out a sigh of relief. The material is heavy in Yoongi’s hands as well as silky. Yoongi narrows his eyes at Hoseok. “This must’ve cost a lot.”

Hoseok bites his bottom lip anxiously before answering, “But you like it right?” Yoongi scowls making Hoseok laugh softly. “Put it on.”

Yoongi does as he’s asked and is grateful for the extra little bit of warmth it provides. It feels nice, it doesn’t scratch at his skin or make him feel itchy.

“Ah, cute.” Hoseok coos and Yoongi feels his face go warm. He reaches for the box behind him and holds it out to Hoseok. It isn’t as big as Hoseok’s gift and he suddenly feels embarrassed. Hoseok takes the box with a giant smile and giggles excitedly.

Hoseok doesn’t share Yoongi’s polite way of opening presents and rips the paper off in almost one go. He stares at the box confused and glances up at Yoongi.

Yoongi isn’t good at presents, never has been and never will be. He’s nervous as Hoseok returns his gaze to the box and opens it up. He lets out a sharp intake of breath before delicately taking the item out of the box.

It’s a golden bangle lined with small clear jewels that twinkled prettily in the morning light. Yoongi’s, Hoseok’s, and Namjoon’s initials were carved on the inside of the bracelet.

“I- I know it’s not much-“ Hoseok looked up at Yoongi incredulously.

“Are you being serious? This is everything.” Yoongi didn’t expect Hoseok to leap forward and tackle him into a hug. “You’re unbelievable hyung, you know that.” Hoseok pulls back and gives Yoongi a watery smile.

Hoseok slides it onto his wrist and moves his arm from side to side, watching how the light reflects off of it. He suddenly narrows his eyes like Yoongi did earlier before looking up at his shorter boyfriend. “You’re a hypocrite.”

“What? How?” Yoongi asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Being shady because I bought you a fancy sweater.” Yoongi smiles nervously as Hoseok pokes his shoulder.

“Let’s call it even?” Yoongi asks.

“If I didn’t that would make me a hypocrite.” Hoseok pokes Yoongi’s nose accusingly on the last word making Yoongi smile.

They take flowers to the cemetery in the afternoon. They pass a few other people visiting loved ones before they reach the five graves they were looking for. It’s the worst sight Yoongi’s ever seen, all five of their friends lined up next to each other. Hoseok grips onto Yoongi’s free hand, they both hold a bouquet of flowers in their other hand.

They go to Seokjin’s first, the snow covers up the tulips they left exactly 3 weeks ago when they came with his mother for his birthday. Hoseok plucks out the fresh white tulips from the bouquet and places them carefully on the snow.

They look at Taehyung’s headstone sadly. Yoongi always wonders if he could’ve done more. Yoongi digs up the small pot from under the snow, disposing of the old flowers, and replaces them with the gardenias they brought.

Yoongi squeezes Hoseok’s hand as they stand in front of Jimin’s grave. Hoseok still blames himself sometimes, Yoongi doesn’t know how much he thinks about it. Hoseok swallows deeply before retrieving the yellow gladioluses and laying them down.

They both look at the red roses remaining in their hands before turning to look at Jeongguk and Namjoon’s stones.

Yoongi approaches Jeongguk’s grave tentatively, Hoseok following closely behind. He walks up to the headstone and wipes away the snow covering it with his hand. He’s wearing the gloves he bought him.

“Hey.” Yoongi says. “I brought you a present,” he gestures to the flower in his hand before speaking again. “I know it’s cheap but, that never bothered you before.” Yoongi places the rose on the snow as his eyes become blurry. “I miss you. A lot.” His knees click as he stands back up and wipes under his eyes. “Be good.”

He trudges through the snow back over to Hoseok. “You okay?” Hoseok asks and Yoongi nods silently. They make their way over to the last grave.

It’s weird to think that Namjoon isn’t here anymore, that no one will ever see his smile again, or hear one of his philosophical rambles at the early hours of the morning. The red rose is a stark contrast to the white snow that covers the ground.

They wish them all a Merry Christmas, stand there holding hands for a few minutes before going back home.

When Yoongi is brushing his teeth before bed that night Hoseok comes up next to him holding something behind his back. “Whatcha got there?” Yoongi mumbles around his toothbrush and Hoseok grins cheekily, Yoongi’s face drops. “If you bought me another present I will actually kick you out of the window.”

Hoseok shakes his head and waits for Yoongi to finish brushing his teeth. He holds the item high above their heads and Yoongi looks up. “Mistletoe.” Hoseok smiles shyly and Yoongi shakes his head grinning.

Nevertheless, he drags Hoseok closer by the front of his shirt and pecks his lips. Yoongi pulls back with a smile, “Of course you’d have to ask for a kiss on Christmas the cheesy way.” Hoseok averts his gaze to the bathroom floor and chews on his lip nervously. Yoongi is confused for a split second before butterflies awake in his stomach. “Oh.”

They haven’t done anything like that for a while. Not since Namjoon…

“Of course you had to destroy the innocence of mistletoe too.” Yoongi jokes and Hoseok laughs nervously. “But I’m not saying no.”

Hoseok places the mistletoe on the sink and pulls Yoongi out of the bathroom, across the hallway, and into the bedroom. Yoongi feels like a teenager again, standing in the middle of the room anxiously not knowing what to do.

Hoseok cradles his face in his hands before leaning down to kiss him. Kisses are nice, Yoongi’s always liked kissing. They start off innocent enough, like the kisses they’re used to doing, but then Hoseok’s hands are in his hair and the kisses are becoming deeper and wetter.

He trails a palm down Yoongi’s chest until his hands rest on his hips. A warm hand finds it’s way underneath Yoongi’s shirt and wanders across the bare skin of his abdomen. His sweater had been removed before he brushed his teeth, Yoongi scared of drooling toothpaste on it.

Yoongi raises his arms above his head as Hoseok pulls his t-shirt off. He suddenly feels very exposed under Hoseok’s roaming eyes.

Hoseok licks his lips quickly as he looks down at Yoongi’s chest. “You’re beautiful.” Hoseok whispers. Yoongi blushes at the compliment and Hoseok cradles his face in his hands again. He strokes his cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs and leans down to kiss him again.

He falls backwards onto the bed and then Hoseok’s stripping him of his jeans and underwear. “The stuff’s in the top drawer.” Hoseok says and Yoongi nods, stretching backwards towards the bedside table on Hoseok’s side. The box and bottle he finds are new. He wonders how long Hoseok had been wanting this.

He feels a small pang of guilt as he removes the plastic wrapping from the box. He sits up just in time so he can watch Hoseok tug off his own underwear. “What do you want me to do?” Yoongi asks as Hoseok kneels in-between his legs.

“I want you to relax.” Hoseok replies, pushing Yoongi’s chest so he’s lying down.

The sex was slow and deep, everything Yoongi loved. He tried to muffle the noises with his hand but Hoseok moved it away saying that he wanted to hear him. Yoongi let out a rather loud whimper at the words.

Hoseok always liked to praise Yoongi before and this time was no different. Tears welled in his eyes as Hoseok told him how beautiful he was, how good he was, how amazing he was.

Hoseok looked after him the entire time, even afterwards he ran to fetch a towel from the bathroom. Yoongi’s eyes were already drooping shut as Hoseok cleaned up his stomach and chest. “You okay?” Hoseok asks concerned. Yoongi nods back sleepily.

A few hesitant seconds pass. “You called me Seok-ah.” Yoongi looks over at Hoseok. He remembers crying it out as he came, holding onto Hoseok’s hand tightly. “You haven’t called me that for a while.” 11 months to be exact.

They leave it at that, Hoseok throwing the towel in the laundry basket and lying down next to Yoongi. They fall asleep holding each other.

Their second anniversary comes around a month later in January. They bypass buying gifts choosing to spend the day together at home instead. They talk about Namjoon a lot. It’s only been a year but Yoongi feels like Namjoon’s been gone for an eternity.

The snow and frost finally thaws away and spring comes around. They lost both Jeongguk and Taehyung in spring. Yoongi finds it hard to see beauty in the daffodils.

The sun gets hotter and inevitably spring turns to summer. They have a few months to not be burdened by the sadness of anniversaries. Yoongi thinks they’re doing okay

June passes quick enough. He thought they were doing okay.

The shop was hot. Too hot. The air conditioning had fortunately broken on the hottest day in summer so far. Yoongi was the luckiest guy ever. He stared at the kid who was sticking his face in front of the fan, following it whenever it turned.

The kid, was Kim Mingyu. He’d been working at the small music store for just over a couple of months, and even though he was kind of disgusting, Yoongi had a strange fondness for him. Maybe it’s because he saw a lot of his brother in him.

He wouldn’t call them close, but they were friends. Mingyu knew Yoongi’s story and somehow always managed to make his bad days a little better, Yoongi often finds himself encouraging Mingyu’s dreams.

“It’s hot.” Mingyu whines and Yoongi closes his eyes. He’s been whinging about the heat all day. “When’s the repair guy come again?”

“Tomorrow.” Yoongi informs and Mingyu groans again.

“I’ll die before then.” He joins Yoongi back behind the counter.

“You’ve managed to survive your entire life not washing your hands after you go to the bathroom, I think you’ll be just fine if the shop’s a little hotter than usual.” Don’t get Yoongi wrong, he was feeling the heat too, but he often found himself not bothering too much about the small things these days.

Mingyu lifts up the hem of his t-shirt to wipe at his forehead with it, Yoongi grimaces. “You’re the most disgusting person I’ve ever met.” Mingyu smirks to himself. To make things worse he enjoys being known as revolting. “How are auditions going?”

Mingyu sighs, leaning his arm on the counter and resting his head on his hand. “Not too great. They all say the same things, ‘Maybe next year.’ or ‘You were good, but…’.” Yoongi nods understandably. “How about you? How’s your music going?”

Yoongi’s been trying to get back into his own music recently. “Okay I guess, I’m a little out of practice but working hard at it will surely get me back up to scratch.” Mingyu nods.

“Well, when you become some super famous music producer, remember to feature me in one of your songs.” Yoongi scoffs at Mingyu’s words but they make him smile either way. “How are things with Hoseok?”

Yoongi was sceptical to tell Mingyu of the extent of his relationship with Hoseok at first, but the boy seemed open minded enough. Mingyu just laughed and told Yoongi that it was pretty obvious.

“Sleeping has been off the table this week.” Mingyu raises a suggestive eyebrow. “Not like that you perv, I mean he’s not slept for the past five days.”

“At all?” Mingyu asks.

Yoongi shakes his head. “I took a sick day yesterday, but my job’s on the line as it is and if I take any more days off I could be fired. I mean Minseok understands but he can’t keep paying me if I’m not here. Anyway, it’s my day of tomorrow.” Mingyu nods as he listens. “He’s had episodes like this before. They don’t affect him like they used to, he doesn’t feel the symptoms the same. I tried taking him to the hospital but he told me not to.”

“What are you gonna do?” Mingyu asks and Yoongi shrugs.

“Hope that he finally crashes later? Maybe I’ll get home and he’ll be fast asleep on the bed.” Yoongi bites his bottom lip.

As he finishes talking the bell above the door rings and a woman enters the shop. The two greet her as she walks to the keyboards. Another customer from the back of the room grabs Mingyu’s attention and he rushes over to help him out.

Yoongi’s phone rings on the counter in front of him. The rules for mobiles are simple: As long as you aren’t slacking off you can do as you please. Yoongi checks the unknown number before picking up. “Hello?”

“Is this Mr Min Yoongi?” The woman’s voice is soft, it reminds Yoongi of the colour yellow.

“Yes it is.” Yoongi replies. If this is another person trying to sell him insurance he’s not going to be so easy on them this time.

“Your friend Hoseok has been admitted to the hospital, if you could please come down to-“

Yoongi doesn’t hear the rest of the words, only absorbing the hospital name before rushing out the door. He makes a mental reminder to apologize to Mingyu later.

When he arrives at the hospital desk he’s panting. The run from the car park all the way to the main entrance is pretty far. “I was called about Jung Hoseok, he’s been admitted here.”

The woman nods. Yoongi knows it isn’t good when they don’t have to check the computer for a patient’s name. “And your relation to Mr Jung is?” The receptionist is different to the one on the phone. This woman’s voice is harsh and reminds Yoongi of the colour red.

“Im his…” Yoongi thinks for a moment. This doesn’t seem like the type of person he can be honest with. “I’m his friend.” Yoongi replies. The woman looks at him suspiciously. “I’m his next of kin just check the computer I swear. Min Yoongi, I’m his roommate, we have the same address.”

The woman taps away on the computer’s keyboard. “Look, is he… is he okay?” He knows it’s a stupid question. Nobody comes to the hospital if they’re okay. “Did he collapse?”

“Collapse?” The receptionist finishes reading the screen. “Mr Jung is currently in surgery for a suspected drug overdose.” Yoongi’s legs feel weak. A drug overdose?

“Sir? Sir are you okay?” Yoongi’s head feels dizzy.

“Where is he?” Yoongi asks swallowing around the lump in his throat.

“He’s currently in surgery but I can get a nurse to escort you to the ward he will be admitted to.” Yoongi nods as she makes a call on the phone beside her.

The surgery seems to last forever in Yoongi’s eyes as he waits impatiently. The nurse who escorted him sits with him, she tries to make small talk but soon realises that Yoongi isn’t up for talking. She gets a call when the surgery is over and informs Yoongi that his ‘friend’ will be down soon.

The elevator to their left opens and Yoongi is out of his seat immediately. He’s not relieved as he reaches the side of the bed. It’s Hoseok, but he looks truly awful.

“What’s wrong with him?” Before the doctors can answer Yoongi’s speaking again. “Why- why’s that tube in his throat?” Yoongi remembers Namjoon having one of those put in when his breathing became too much of a struggle.

The nurse from earlier walks beside him. “Calm down, Yoongi.”

“Calm down? How can I calm down when there’s all sorts of wires stuck to him-“ Yoongi pauses outside the door of the room Hoseok’s being wheeled into. He was so worried he didn’t realise what ward they were on.

There’s a delicate hand on his shoulder. He looks up at the room number in front of him. 189. Namjoon’s room.

The nurse tells him to wait outside as the doctors move Hoseok onto the bed and set up the machines.

It takes a few minutes but Yoongi is soon let inside. He stares down at the chair he knows all too well beside him. He said goodbye to Namjoon in that chair. He sits down and pulls up closer to Hoseok’s bedside.

The doctors tell him he overdosed on sleeping tablets. They tell him some other things but Yoongi is too busy staring at Hoseok. Terrible noises come out of the machine that’s pushing air through the tube in Hoseok’s mouth and into his lungs. There are wires coming from all sorts of places and Yoongi doesn’t know which attaches to what machine. His skin is pale, it doesn’t glow like it usually does. Where did Yoongi’s sunshine boy go?

When the nurses and the doctors leave Yoongi holds onto Hoseok’s hand. The bangle on his wrist glimmers under the hospital lights and Yoongi’s eyes well up.

For hours he gazes at his face, looking for any sign of him waking up. He rings Hoseok’s mother, telling her the situation and she sets out on the long drive to Seoul.

Hoseok’s mother was a good woman. She loved her son and she didn’t care who he kissed in the mornings or who he slept next to at night. All she cared about was his health and wellbeing. She also looked after Yoongi and Namjoon as if they were her own sons, making extra sure to do so when she heard about their own parents.

Yoongi must’ve fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he knows is that he’s awoken by quiet chatter. He opens his eyes and sees Hoseok’s mother sat at the opposite side of the bed, a woman who Yoongi recognises as Hoseok’s sister is pulling up a chair beside her. Hoseok’s sister is as equally nice as her mother.

“I’m sorry.” Yoongi doesn’t even think before saying it. Hoseok’s mother smiles sadly. “I tried to bring him yesterday because the insomnia got so bad but he wouldn’t let me.”

“As stubborn as always, even as a kid.” She speaks up, her voice sounds tired. “There is no need for you to apologize.”

Yoongi looks down at Hoseok’s hand in his own. “I should’ve known. I should’ve known he was sad. It was my job to know.” He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Hoseok’s mother is by his side, wiping his cheeks gently with her hands. “I’m so sorry please forgive me.” She pulls him into a hug. Yoongi doesn’t deserve her love. He finds his hands wrapping around her despite the thought.

The next morning Mingyu comes with fresh clothes. Yoongi changes in one of the bathroom stalls and when he returns Mingyu is staring at Hoseok sadly. “When do you think he’ll wake up?” he asks. Hoseok’s mother and sister are asleep in their chairs.

“I don’t know,” Yoongi admits as he sits down in his chair. “Maybe a couple of days, the surgery was hard on him and the lack of sleep won’t help either.”

Mingyu chews on his bottom lip. “You sure?” He asks. Yoongi glowers at him.

“Of course I’m sure.”

In the afternoon they take Hoseok down for some tests. Yoongi encourages Hoseok’s sister to take her mother and go and have some proper rest, Hoseok’s going to be gone for an hour or two at least. She nods and tells him she’s already booked a hotel. Mingyu encourages Yoongi to go home and do the same but Yoongi shakes his head. Yoongi’s not going anywhere.

His younger friend takes him down to the hospital cafeteria and pays for his lunch. “You’ve got to eat hyung.” Yoongi looks at the soggy sandwich distastefully.

“Maybe I’ll just eat some crisps or something instead.” Mingyu rolls his eyes as Yoongi speaks.

“How many times have you flicked me on the head for only bringing crisps to lunch at work?”

“This is different.” Yoongi tries. Mingyu glares at him for a few more seconds before passing him some change defeatedly.

The results of Hoseok’s tests come through an hour after he’s returned back to his room. The look on the doctor’s face makes Mingyu grip onto Yoongi’s shoulder tightly.

The doctor hesitates before he speaks. “I’m afraid it’s not good news.” Yoongi is hit with a wave of deja vu. “The tests show that the medication Hoseok overdosed on has severely damaged his central nervous system.” Yoongi’s heart feels like it stops.

There’s a pause in the doctor’s speech before he continues again. “I’m sorry but your son isn’t going to wake up.”

Yoongi stops breathing. Everything around him seems to slow down. He looks to the boy in the bed beside him and watches as his lungs are forced to fill with air. He’s brought back to his senses by Mingyu shaking his shoulders.

“He can’t even breathe on his own.” Yoongi mutters and his friend’s mouth falls open. He looks over at Hoseok’s mother who’s crying. He caused this.

Yoongi wants to scream that Hoseok will wake up, wants to yell at the doctor that they can’t give up on him. But Yoongi is tired of denying things. Yoongi is tired.

Later that evening Hoseok’s mother discusses with him about turning off the life support. Yoongi is in awe at her bravery. Mothers shouldn’t have to talk about these types of things. They ready themselves for the machines to stop, holding a hand each.

Yoongi isn’t fazed at first when Hoseok’s chest stops rising. But then he remembers that just over a year ago the body lying in this exact bed was Namjoon’s and that Hoseok was sat in the same seat as his mother was. Yoongi remembers Namjoon’s final breath. He remembers Taehyung being ushered out the door and Jimin following him closely behind. Yoongi sobs as he remembers all he’s lost.

Yoongi drives home despite Mingyu telling him not to. It’s quiet. He opens the door and kicks it shut behind him. He locks the door and pulls the chain. When he realizes what he’s done he rests his head against the door and cries.

He slowly moves into the kitchen and looks over at the phone on charge lying on the countertop. There’s a missed call when he presses the home button. Hoseok called Namjoon. He listens to the voicemail.

“Red roses. You wanted red roses but when I came back home you were gone.”

Yoongi notices the flowers strewn across the dining table.

“And Jimin- Jimin kept saying how he died because of me and he’s right, he’s right it’s all because of me he’s gone. I tried to touch him but he disappeared like when I touched you.”

He realises now that Hoseok must have been hallucinating. Hoseok was hallucinating and Yoongi wasn’t here to help.

“Hyung.”

Yoongi jumps at that.

“I know you’re there hyung. I’m so tired hyung. I’m so tired and it won’t go away. It’s driving me insane.”

Yoongi hears cars in the background. The nurses did tell him they found him on a road.

“I’m already feeling a bit better. I’m sorry.”

Hoseok sounds a little less distressed.

“I-“

The call cuts off because of bad signal. Yoongi places the phone back on the counter, the smiling faces of the background mocking him. Hoseok didn’t want to die, Hoseok just wanted to sleep. That makes Yoongi feel impossibly worse.

Yoongi cries for hours. Not just tears silently flooding down his cheeks but actual body jerking sobs that rip at his throat. He cries to the extremity of vomiting, it’s acidic and burns his mouth, making him cringe at the taste.

He only stops crying when he lies down in bed, his eyes were stinging and his eyelashes were sticky and clumped together. His face was expressionless, he simply lies there breathing, his mouth open slightly.

His heart hurt. He felt nothing. What was he supposed to feel after all? His friends were dead, his brother was dead, his soul mates were dead. He was the only one left and he felt so bone crushingly lonely, yet he also felt nothing.

Yoongi wished to die in his sleep and when he woke up the next morning he cried some more.

The final person to leave Yoongi was himself. That’s if he was even there anymore.

Yoongi was granted compassionate leave for the third time. Minseok told him to only come back when he felt like it and that he was serious this time. Yoongi didn’t deserve someone like Minseok.

The day Yoongi finally got out of bed was the same day he found Namjoon’s old lighter. Yoongi turns the spark wheel to find it still works. He returns back to the bed and does it for hours, sparking a flame for a few seconds before flipping the lid back over and putting it out.

He finds himself doing it subconsciously, when he’s sat watching TV, when he’s eating his dinner. It becomes an obsession of some sort. Mingyu asks why he does it one day.

“I don’t know.” Yoongi replies. Yoongi does know. Yoongi likes how he can control it.

Mingyu leaves it at that and continues to eat his lunch. The younger boy has been spending his lunch breaks with Yoongi at home, Mingyu usually spends most of his time worrying about how it doesn’t look like Yoongi has moved since the day before and Yoongi just stares into space.

It’s been two weeks without Hoseok when August opens it’s doors. Yoongi is always cold as he lies in bed at night. The queen-sized bed he once had to squeeze onto next to two other people, is suddenly too large for his small body.

Yoongi knows he isn’t coping. But how can he cope? How does somebody cope with a situation like this?

Hoseok’s mother calls him a few times. He asks her how her days was, they talk about Hoseok. She reminisces with happiness but Yoongi never smiles fondly. After they finish the call Yoongi turns to the lighter immediately.

On the second week of August Mingyu bursts through the door. “I got accepted Yoongi, a company wants me!”

Yoongi looks over at his friend from the couch. He wants to feel happy. “That’s great.” Mingyu’s smile looks fake. “What’s the matter?”

He laughs nervously before answering Yoongi’s question, “I- I haven’t accepted the offer yet.”

Yoongi frowns. “Why not?”

“What about you?” Mingyu asks.

“What about me?” Yoongi furrows his eyebrows.

“I can’t just leave you.” Yoongi’s eyes water at the answer.

Yoongi smiles softly. It’s the beginning of Yoongi’s first smile in weeks. “I’ll be fine. Unless you don’t accept that offer, then I’ll kick your ass.” Mingyu laughs quietly.

“You sure?” He asks, sitting down beside Yoongi.

“I’m sure.” Yoongi punches Mingyu’s arm gently.

Mingyu’s training starts the week after. He makes one final visit to Yoongi.

“I’m gonna miss seeing your stupid face every day.” Yoongi says as Mingyu pulls him into a giant hug. The kid’s like a bear.

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” Mingyu asks and Yoongi nods as they pull apart. Mingyu hesitates for a moment. “You’re like my best friend you know that right?” Yoongi didn’t know that but he nods anyway. “Make sure you look after yourself.”

“Y’know I’m older than you right? Like a lot older than you?” Yoongi reminds Mingyu and he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Yeah but y’know...” I’m broken? Yoongi wants to say but he refrains from doing so. “Anyway, I better get going.” Mingyu pulls him in for one final hug. Yoongi wants to hold on but let go at the same time.

He waves goodbye from the door as Mingyu’s taxi drives off. Yoongi’s really on his own now.

Yoongi could essentially say that Mingyu left after Hoseok, but the kid still latched on even though he lived on the other side of the city.

It took him a few days to ring Yoongi up and tell him about his new life as a trainee.

“It’s great hyung, I’ve met so many new people who have the same interests as me.” Yoongi listens to Mingyu as he lies in bed. “There’s this one guy called Joshua, he’s from America and he’s so cool seriously hyung.”

“America?” Yoongi asks.

“Yeah, he’s from LA which is even cooler like, that’s the city of famous people.” Mingyu babbles excitedly. “There’s also this guy from China he’s called Minghao.” Mingyu lowers his voice to a whisper, “He’s seriously cute hyung.”

“Ah, Mingyu’s got a little crush.” Yoongi teases and Mingyu splutters on the other end.

“Shhh, hyung please I’m embarrassed as it is. I have to share a room with him.” Yoongi can imagine Mingyu hiding his face in his hands on the other end of the call.

Yoongi lets out a puff of air, it’s the closest thing he can make to a laugh. “So he’s cute huh?”

“Like an angel hyung. He doesn’t speak too much Korean but one of the older trainees called Jeonghan helps him out a lot. He’s so quiet hyung and it’s kind of cute but sometimes he argues with the other guy from China and I don’t know what they say but he gets really mad and it’s really hot to be honest.” Mingyu’s only been there a few days but it sounds like it’s been eventful. “I’ve never liked a boy before hyung.” Yoongi can practically see the nervousness oozing out of the phone speaker.

“You’ll be fine I promise.” Yoongi reassures. “So, you’re having fun then?” He asks.

“Yeah.” Mingyu replies enthusiastically. “How about you? How are you doing?”

Terrible. “I’m okay.” Yoongi answers instead. Mingyu sounds like he’s about to say something before a shout in the background interrupts him.

“Sorry hyung I gotta go, I’ll ring you again soon I promise.” They say goodbye and Yoongi stares at his phone screen long after the call’s been cancelled.

He feels immense sadness as his heart pounds happily for Mingyu. That’s the last call they have with each other.

Yoongi find himself not eating when Mingyu’s not there to remind him, and when he does his meals are lonelier. He uses that word a lot recently for that is what Yoongi is. Lonely.

The house is small yet feels way too big for Yoongi on his own. It was originally Namjoon’s and Yoongi moved in after Jeongguk died. Now it is Yoongi’s home.

Yoongi tries his hardest to run away from the fire, he tries his hardest to try and get things back to normal, but things stopped being normal when Seokjin crashed to his kitchen floor clutching his chest. Yoongi stops running, out of breath and lungs painfully dragging in the smoke around him. He let’s the flames take him.

On the day in September when the frost starts to find it’s way onto the dewy windows, Yoongi grows tired of the ghosts of laughter echoing from wall to wall.

He grows tired of the people on the streets who live life unfazed, already forgetting the stories of the boys who died trying their best to be happy. He grows tired of the suffocating silence that has clawed at him for weeks. He grows tired of controlling the flickering flame, giving up ready to let it run free.

Some call him selfish afterwards. Yoongi knew they would. How he burns the memories of all seven of them, how the only people who will ever be able to recount their lives are their parents and siblings who have survived them. Yoongi’s parents don’t speak a word of the son they left to die. Maybe it’s guilt, or maybe they really were that disgusted in him.

The city-goers will whisper about the boy who was found clutching onto a picture of him and his six friends who had also been in the newspapers. High school children will hurry past the music store on the corner, whispering about the seven modern day lost boys. They will remember the stories well into their adulthood.

The next generation of children will tell ghost stories about them before their parents scold them sadly, telling them not to joke about such things. Only when they grow old enough will they see how painful the story really is.

The smell of gasoline is strong in the air and sends Yoongi dizzy. The framed photos of his friends stare at him. He picks one of them up that lies bare of a frame. It’s one of the last ones they all took together. They’re at the beach. Hoseok’s hugging Namjoon tightly around the stomach and Namjoon’s arm is wrapped around Yoongi’s shoulder. This was a few weeks after Yoongi joined their relationship.

Jimin has Jungkook in a headlock and they’re both laughing, Seokjin has Taehyung in a piggy back and Taehyung holds up two peace signs to his eyes. Yoongi wishes he could’ve stopped time on that cold day in February.

He retrieves his phone from his pocket and unlocks it slowly. He feels an underlying pang of guilt but he knows that Mingyu will realise one day that Yoongi is happier this way. He also feels guilty for Minseok’s kindness that he could never return.

He sends one last message before dropping the lighter.

‘good luck kid.’