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Bucky took a drag from his cigarette, leaned back against the building and looked up at the starless sky, blowing out smoke. The night was cold and strangely calm, no passing cars and few late night stragglers.
Bucky waited, checked his watch, then inhaled more smoke. Someone yelled a block away, a streetlamp illuminated a slight silhouette of a girl hurrying home across the street. He wrapped his coat tighter around his body and silently cursed Steve for taking so long.
He went through another two cigarettes before the door opened. He continued to smoke, watching Steve put the key in the lock. At first it took him by surprise and he almost thought it was someone else, maybe the girl that lived next door and who kept making eyes at him wherever he came by. But no, the red dress belonged to his sister, and so did the old coat.
Steve turned around and looked at him, blue eyes climbing up to meet his. There was something on his lashes, some unnatural blush on his cheeks and scarlet red stained his thin lips. The whole look was completed by a cheap black wig that Becca had once stolen from a school production.
It took him by surprise but the look was convincing. Made up like that, Steve could pass for a girl. An ugly girl, but still.
He burst out laughing. Steve immediately scrunched up his nose and the red against his cheeks deepened, almost matching his lips.
“Enjoying this?” Steve spat the words at Bucky through clenched teeth. Due to his slight posture Steve didn’t look particularly intimidating at the best of times, even less when he was wearing his sister’s dress.
It made his grin widen. “Yeah, Stevie. Very much.”
Steve looked away. The fight seemed to leave his body. He looked around, doubt flashing across his eyes.
One of the men Bucky worked with at the docks invited him to join him and some friends for dancing. The only problem was that everyone would bring dates and Bucky didn’t happen to have a girlfriend at the time. His sister joked then, a sly smile on her face, that he should bring Steve since they were basically inseparable. Bucky laughed it off but then a thoughtful expression crossed Becca’s face as she opened her closet and took out an old dress she hadn’t worn in a while.
Becca grinned, looking the dress up and down, obviously imagining her brother’s best friend in it. “I bet Steve would look lovely.”
Bucky knew it was a joke but the picture stood in front of him like a mirage. Steve in a dress. His lanky arms and legs, flat chest that wouldn’t fill out the dress properly. The scowl on his face at having to put up with such nonsense.
Finding a girl wouldn’t be difficult. Steve’s neighbor would throw herself at him if asked, and there were many others potentially willing to go with him. The thought of seeing Steve fussing at a dress that wouldn’t fit him properly though wouldn’t leave him alone.
Steve was notoriously short-tempered and easy to provoke. They got drunk one evening, made some stupid bet and Steve lost. His punishment was to let Becca turn him into a girl and go dancing with Bucky.
Becca must have done something with the dress because it actually looked like there was something soft and round under the material. It looked like Steve had boobs.
“Why the long face, Stevie? You’re the most beautiful gal I’ve seen in all of New York.”
Steve stopped sulking and punched Bucky in the arm, hard. “This isn’t funny.”
Oh, it is, Bucky thought but knew better than to say it out loud when Steve was so riled up. Instead he held out his arm and gave Steve his most charming smile. “Shall we, my dear?”
Steve kept his arms to himself and started walking down the empty street. Bucky grinned and followed.
Nobody seemed to realize that Steve was a man. They were sat in a booth. Steve, Bucky and two other couples. The only thing that could betray him was his voice so Steve stayed silent throughout the evening.
They drank, laughed and told each other dirty jokes. Both girls were pretty, and both kept stealing glances at Bucky even while groping their own boyfriends. Bucky enjoyed the attention but he enjoyed even more Steve’s frustration and growing annoyance. He noticed too that the girls were looking at Bucky, and for some reason didn’t like it. He was probably jealous.
Loose from the alcohol, Bucky reached across Steve’s back and rested his hand against Steve’s neck. The skin underneath his fingers was pleasantly cool and he remembered that due to his many ailments, Steve always ran cold. He thought he even felt goosebumps. Bucky flashed a smile at Steve, enjoying his skeptical face.
“You wanna go dancing, Stevie?” It was a slip. He introduced Steve as Carol but nobody seemed to pay them much attention.
Steve shook his head, face going pale. He hated dancing. Many girls were taller than him and he wasn’t very coordinated so it was always awkward and stressful.
“Oh, come on. Don’t make me beg.” Bucky fluttered his eyelashes at him but it didn’t do the trick.
“Buck, no.” Steve whispered to him but Bucky didn’t listen.
He grabbed Steve’s arm and pulled him out of the booth. Steve didn’t look happy but didn’t protest that much either as Bucky pulled him towards the circle of dancing people. He wrapped his arms around Steve and pulled him close until their chests were touching. Dancing with Steve wasn’t easy and his toes were hurting but Bucky would lie if he said he didn’t enjoy it.
Even if it was all a joke, nothing else.
The lights were dimmed, shadows chasing each other as they danced through the room past blurred faces. Sweat mixed with cheap perfumes and leftover smoke filled their lungs.
The frown on Steve’s face lessened, then turned into a reluctant smile when he gave up any last remnant of control and let Bucky lead. The dance became smoother and Bucky realized he hadn’t enjoyed dancing this much before.
Maybe because he always had the most fun with Steve.
Bucky looked past the black wig and through the layers of make-up. He knew the blush covered Steve’s freckles that always were most visible in the summer. The colors were made to accentuate Steve’s eyes but Bucky didn’t need that to know how blue they were, how easy it was to drown in them when you were too careless, when you watched Steve talk about something he really believed in.
Suddenly Steve’s hand became heavy in his and the dancing too quick to keep up. He was drunk and tired. He had work in the morning.
Steve’s easy smile became dangerous because it reminded him too much of his past girlfriend’s eager lips. He wanted to wipe the red off Steve’s face.
“Let’s go home.” Bucky said and let go of Steve.
Steve’s face fell and he looked disappointed but said nothing. He only nodded and followed Bucky as he said his goodbyes and left the pub.
“You okay, Buck?” Steve asked when they walked home. Bucky hadn’t spoken for the last twenty minutes.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He didn’t sound fine. He kept looking at the pavement with hands shoved deep into his pocket.
“That was your idea, you know.”
Bucky wanted to scream. Yeah, he knew. And he regretted it. He regretted it because it would be so easy to lean forward while they danced and kiss Steve, pretending it was Betty or Chrystal or any other girl he’d kissed before.
If he had been more drunk, he could’ve gotten away with it. He would’ve said the next day he didn’t remember, or that he confused Steve with a girl.
He’d remember though. He knew he would.
It terrified him.
Bucky looked up, eyes tracing over Steve’s new rounder figure, the dark hair falling on his shoulders. He wished he could rip the wig off his head but if anyone saw Steve like that it would mean broken bones for both of them, or worse.
He clenched his teeth and looked back down. He was drunk. And tired. He’d sleep whatever it was off and tomorrow he’d laugh at himself for wanting to kiss Steve.
It was only because he looked like a girl anyway.
Bucky gulped down beer after beer but he couldn’t get drunk, or at least drunk enough to stop feeling like he was going to die.
Peggy and Steve were standing in the corner of the room, leaning towards each other, almost leaning into each other. A few more seconds and their foreheads would touch.
Bucky looked away, scowling into his drink and wanting to punch something. He’d thought the feelings would go away when Steve took off the wig and wiped the powder off his face. When he looked like a man again Bucky should have laughed it off and moved on with his life.
The memories stayed with him though. He thought about that evening often, at night. He thought about Steve in that damn dress while jerking off because if he thought of it like that, he could justify himself. Steve already looked like a girl. It was only natural that Bucky thought of him that way.
He shouldn’t still find Steve attractive when he was 250 pounds and taller than him because it meant he was-
Bucky stopped that train of thought. It didn’t matter now. Steve had found himself a girl. He was making eyes at her and she was looking at him like she wanted to eat him.
It was for the best. He didn’t even know if he would survive the war.
Memories came back gradually. Sometimes in tidal waves, like a brutal tsunami that left him breathless. Other times they came back as small points, bundles of information and feelings that often didn’t make much sense.
One time Natasha visited them in a red dress and Bucky remembered a girl he danced with once and instantly fell in love.
When Natasha was gone Bucky came up to Steve while he was training in the gym. “I had a girl back then, right?” He asked, uncertain, because he couldn’t remember her name or even her face, only that he felt guilty for loving her.
Steve grinned at him then, sweat dripping from his chin while he ran on the treadmill. Usually he ran outside but it was getting colder so more often he stayed in the gym. “You had a lot of girls, Buck. What did she look like?”
Bucky described her black hair and red dress, not remembering much else. “Did I have a girl like that?”
Steve looked at him, suddenly sad. “No, Buck. You didn’t.”
Bucky blinked at Steve. He knew there was something more hidden behind that sadness but he didn’t probe. Maybe it was a girl Steve liked too, and Bucky had stolen her from him. He didn’t remember Steve ever liking a girl but his memory was ridded with holes anyway.
Sometimes he dreamed about the girl, about twirling her around and wanting to kiss her red lips.
Steve found Bucky’s family photo album in some museum and gifted it to him on his birthday. Bucky leafed through the pages, his eyes stopping when he saw his sister in a black and white dress. The photo wasn’t in color but he wouldn’t confuse it with anything else.
“Your sister let me borrow it.” Steve said when he saw what Bucky was looking at. “I lost a bet and put it on. I had a black wig too. You’re probably confusing that with some other girl.”
Another tidal wave. A wave of feelings that felt unwanted at the time but continued to grow against his wishes even when Steve looked nothing like a girl anymore. “No.” He said firmly and looked at Steve, now understanding why he looked so sad. “I wasn’t confused.”
Steve paled at that, lips wordlessly opening and closing, like he too had a whole world of emotions to share but hadn’t been able to for the last couple of decades. Bucky wrapped his hand around Steve’s neck, pulled him close and kissed his lips, no longer scarlet red but soft and inviting anyway. Steve kissed back and Bucky felt him smile into the kiss.