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You’ve always known soulmates weren’t your thing.
The rules of soulmates were so ingrained into you by media that you’d internalized it before you could even remember. By the age of three, the non-dominant eye changes colors to match the color of your soulmates’ eyes (multi-colored for people with more than one. Segmented. John has that, a pink and teal eye split down the middle. You need to get a picture before he makes eye-contact with one of his soulmates. You’ll miss your chance when their respective color turns back into his bright blue.)
One of your first memories is of your bro telling you he was going out to buy you a pair of shades like his, little dude. No need to worry about those prying jerks grilling you about this, both of your red eyes would be covered with basically one-way mirrors so no one knows your eye never changed.
You’ve always known you’d never have a soulmate.
John has two. You lament that in private when you’re feeling especially down. Somewhere, the universe was building John and you and was like, “You know what? I’m gonna take this guy, and make him alone so that this other dude has room for two people!” and you know it’s kinda fucked up to think that John has two soulmates just because you don’t have anyone, but it’s hard not to think that sometimes.
Jade and Rose only have one soulmate. Not each other, (although Rose’s other eye is a pretty green, it’s too dark to be Jade’s. And Jade’s is a little bit too pink to be Rose’s purple) but they’re close enough that they could be soul… I don’t know. Buddies. Sisters! Soul sisters. That’s a pretty good song to match their pretty great friendship.
You three have gone to the same school for a while.
~~~~
The whole “lack of anyone else” thing tends to make you alienate yourself from other people, but you’re close to your good friends. That’s how you know that when John and Jade won’t stop talking about someone they met in their summer driver’s ed course, you’re gonna have to get used to a whole new barrage of questions about why you won’t show your eyes.
His name is Karkat Vantas and they won’t stop bringing up the fact that it’s “ironic he likes romcoms” for a reason they don’t feel comfortable sharing given it’s really something for him to talk about.
~~~~
Sometimes you can trick yourself. You think your right eye (left-handedness runs in the Strider family) looks a little off, but you know that’s impossible. What other asshole --let alone anyone you’d ever come across-- has red eyes? You’d never tell bro about these self-indulgent mirror sessions. You don’t want to put him in a position where he’ll have to break it to you.
You’ll never have a soulmate.
~~~~
You told Rose, once. She’d figured out that you weren’t just trying to be an aloof asshole, and she was so close to guessing and you were so tired of hiding that everything spilled out all at once. She’s the only one outside your family who knows.
She’d tried to give you some kind of hope.
“Maybe you have the same eye color? That happens more often than the media would have you believe.”
“Doubt it, Lalonde.”
You don’t know how it happened for you. Albinism manifests in two ways for normal people: lack of pigment in the eyes --making them blue-- or the inability to grow any kind of hair with red eyes and skin so sensitive they can’t go in the sun unless they pile on sunscreen and maybe a parasol for good measure. You got some weird mix of the two --red eyes, white hair, slight sun sensitivity. Some mutated form of albinism, you guess, that only you were lucky enough to have. Where else are you gonna find that?
You didn’t tell her all of that. You made a joke about your “special eyes”.
“Is it possible you met them when you were younger? Maybe passing by on the street-”
“Nope. Bro says my eyes have always been this color. Didn’t start wearing shades till after I turned 4.”
She let it drop from there, but a couple weeks later she’d interrupted the middle of a perfectly good discussion on the finer points of youtube comments.
TT: I have been thinking a lot recently regarding your unique soulmate situation.
TG: jesus christ rose would you drop it already
TT: No. The ordeal obviously bothers you.
TT: I just wanted to tell you that not having a particular “soulmate” of your own doesn’t mean you’re somehow excluded from ever forming a special bond.
TT: I still believe you can find someone else with whom you can be happy to spend your life, despite the fact that you lack that instant connection.
TT: In fact, with the lack of the kind of instant gratification the rest of us have, you and this theoretical partner would have to work to forge your relationship, making for a much healthier, more stable, and perhaps even more satisfying life together.
TT: You know they’ll like you for who you are, rather than because they are “supposed to” due to a predestined emotional connection.
TT: I apologize if bringing the topic up again has reopened old wounds so to speak. I just thought it might help for me to give my two cents.
You didn’t let her know at the time because you’re a dumbass like that, but it had.
~~~~~
Rose’s words grew on you.
You can picture it: meeting someone else with two eyes of the same color, bonding over it. You could fall in love, you think. You’ve never thought of yourself as a romantic, but the idea of beating the odds and finding someone despite your eye situation makes you happy. A different kind of star-crossed lovers.
You refuse to tell anyone about your little fantasies with this faceless person. Who could you tell? Bro would do that thing where he stays silent so he doesn’t say anything to knock you down --or start trying to set you up and you can’t tell which is worse--, and Rose would do her little “I told you so” speech.
~~~~~
Life’s always been harder for you and your bro, so it seems almost fitting that you’d have a harder time dating than everyone else too. It’s just like bro always says, “
...
You can’t remember it right now but it’s something about things being more satisfying when you work for them.
You’re okay with the fact that you don’t have a soulmate.
(Even though you can still trick yourself when you’re alone with a mirror. It’s just a habit now.)
You might even be… excited? To have someone like you because of a real connection and not because they’re supposed to.
You’re okay with never having a soulmate.
~~~~~
Then you met him.
John invited his friend from drivers’ ed to your lunch table. He held back before going to get his school “meal” to warn you and help show the guy where it is. He tells a quick story about him in the meantime. They were in the same Advanced English class, John explains as he shifts his weight from foot to foot, when a bunch of the kids started asking about his eyes.
“You should’ve seen him, Dave!” John laughs, “he went off! It was awesome!”
“Why were they so obsessed with his eyes?” you ask, getting your paper bag out of your backpack. You don’t eat school lunches. The system to set up an account is rigged against students and your bro refuses to play those games.
“Oh becau-” John cuts himself off, catching sight of something, “Yo! Karkat! Over here!” he waves both arms above his head. Dork.
The person turns, sees your best friend’s flailing, and starts towards your table. He keeps his head down the whole way, so the only thing you can tell about him is his slouch and the raven’s nest of hair on his head.
“Karkat, this is my friend Dave!” John says, backing up, “I gotta go get in line, so go ahead and get settled while I’m gone. Jade’ll be here soon, too, so don’t worry about that!”
“Whatever, Egbert,” the guy grates out as he flops on the bench. He starts rooting around his backpack, presumably for his own lunch. “I don’t need an instruction booklet on how to sit by myself at a table for a few minutes. Go get your stupid mold-infested poison or something.” John laughs and spins on his heel towards the line.
“You know I’m sitting here too, right?” you mention.
“I don’t know you, so unless you’re the king of social interactions I’ll basically be sitting here by myself, now won’t I?” He doesn’t even look up as he retorts. Real charmer, this one.
“Touche. Dave Strider.” you stick your fist out for him to bump. He flicks his eyes to it before looking up for the first time since he started towards your table.
The moment you make eye contact you know why John would think it’s ironic he likes romcoms. You get why he’d go off on his English class.
His brother should’ve bought him a pair of shades.
~~~~~
Your breath catches in your throat as you watch Karkat Vantas. Both of his eyes are blood red, one of which you bet you could trick yourself into thinking is a little off.
“Put your dumb fist down, asshole.” He says, breaking your staring, “I’ll introduce myself all I want but the day I let some stranger put his fist anywhere near me without a fight is the day hell freezes over.” For a guy obsessed with rom-coms, you’re surprised he hasn’t fallen into the same trance.
You realize, suddenly, that he can’t see your eyes. He doesn’t know.
A tray clatters onto the table before you can think of anything else as Rose and Jade seat themselves.
The conversation flows after their arrival as Karkat’s introduced and Rose performs her standard psychological examination on him.
He gets very… loud when Rose asks about his eyes. He says his relationships are none of her business in sort of a “protest too much” way. Jade sheepishly whispers something to Rose and her face dawns in realization.
John gets back and the conversation starts again like nothing happened. You’re not as eloquent as you usually are. You’re too busy staring.
You catch Rose glancing at you a few times.
~~~~~
You’re not surprised to see a new message on pesterlog by the time you get home.
TT: Rather fascinated with our new friend, hmm?
TG: gdi rose i don’t wanna talk about it
That’s a complete lie.
TT: I’m not sure how much I believe that, but *I* would like to talk about it, so humor me, please.
TT: The state of his eyes is rather interesting, wouldn’t you say?
TG: i’d say a lot of things about his eyes, but whoops then i’d be a hypocrite
TG: do you want that rose?
TG: do you want to turn me into a hypocrite?
TT: I would like nothing more than for you to admit your problem so we could work to fix it, but I digress.
TG: haha youre so full of shit
TT: As are you if you think I’m just going to let this go.
TG: i KNOW youre not going to let this go thats the problem
TG: so the guy has red eyes rose its not a big deal
TT: That’s…
TT: not…
TT: what I’m…
TG: what are you doing
TT: referring...
TT: I was giving you time to realize how dumb that redirect was and step in.
TT: I’m noting that it worked, by the way, so get ready for more of that in the future.
TG: my internet’s doing shitty what would you have done if it had crashed
TT: Called you, obviously. We’re not done here.
TT: I’m surprised you’re not more excited to meet someone in the same boat as you.
TG: you dont know whats happening on my boat lalonde
TG: the ss strider is a party boat pumping up the jams 24/7 i cant take notice of every passenger at every time im too busy spinning discs for the dance floor
TT: I see.
TT: Why is that?
TG: we’re not doing this again
TT: Not doing what?
TG: listen lalonde my case is staying shut this time my mouth is sealed like a ziploc bag
TG: the blue side and the yellow came together to form the green air-tight seal of these lips
TT: And also like a ziploc bag, even without opening up, you’re incredibly transparent.
TT: It’s him, isn’t it?
TG: gdi
TG: maybe
TT: Ah.
TT: I take it you were reluctant to let this slip because you were worried I’d feel compelled to rub in your face the fact that I had proposed this very scenario a long time ago.
TT: In which case, I’m shocked that you would have so low an expectation for me. Although it is true that a younger version of myself would’ve loved this chance to bring up a correct assumption from the past, I had thought that over the lifetime which we’ve been friends, you’d see that I’ve grown from such immature behaviors.
TG: for someone whos not going to say i told you so youre going to a lot of lengths to point out that youre not saying you told me so
TT: On the other hand aren’t we all children at heart, Dave?
TG: youre so full of shit its no wonder you have to talk it
TG: gotta get it all out somehow and theres no way it comes out natural given what a tightass you are
TT: Dave.
TG: cmon rose please i dont wanna do this right now
TT: D
TT: a
TT: v
TT: e
TG: this is the end of the line rose that’s my whole name
TT:
TT: S
TG: god dammit
TT: t
TG: FINE
TG: please stop i dont want pesterlog to crash
TT: If you keep trying to change the subject I’m gonna start again. Like I said, I can always call you. I have unlimited minutes on my phone and I am willing to use them.
TG: yes alright he does have the same eye color as mine and it could be possible that it’s him but…
TG: do you remember that thing you told me a long time ago about how i could still find love it just would be a lotta work
TG: maybe it kinda grew on me
TG: that like id meet someone who wanted to hang out because of who i was and not cause some magical eye shit swooped in and said we’re kindred spirits hallelujah
TG: but like if it IS him
TG: john and jade said hes super into romcoms so like he wouldnt be in it for the smooth piece of personality that is dave strider
TG: hed be in it for the eye candy
TG: like those dumb movies probably told him he should be
TT: Dave, I doubt it’d be that easy for him. He’s a die-hard romantic who’s lived his whole life believing that he is the only person without a soulmate.
TG: i know but literally the only thing i know about the guy is hes got volume like club speakers
TG: plug him in the right subject and he’ll get so loud you can hear him from the bathroom rattling the soap with the thump of hard consonants
TG: tryna cage in his volume with bared teeth like the metal mesh on a good set of woofers but even though it doesnt seem to help everyones scared of whatll happen if and when he really unleashes the beast
TG: the beast being like his inner volume
TG: i guess
TT: Hmm
TG: okay literally there was nothing even remotely sexual about that youve got nothing on me lalonde
TT: Mmhmm. Tell me more about another male unleashing his beast via a speaker system powered by a long cord that plugs into a hole in the wall.
TG: youre fucking reaching and you know it
TT: Only because you’re reaching for reasons not to tell him.
TT: You know you can still have that relationship you described with him, right? If you showed him you were soulmates he’d want to get to know you.
TG: i just said i didnt want him to like me for my eyes
TT: Then don’t show him your eyes. Tell him what you told me all those years ago: your eyes are the same shade of improbable and because of that you believe there’s no one out there for you. Then he’ll have a reason to see you as a possible romantic interest.
TT: If you don’t tell him your eye color, he’ll be sure to assume it’s not his or you would’ve tried something already -- a plan, for the record, that I still hold as best-- then, as you naturally get to know each other, he might begin to see you in a romantic light.
TT: Why don’t I set you up with his handle so you can discuss what it’s like having the same color in both eyes?
TT: CarcinoGeneticist
TG: how the fuck did you get his chumhandle?
TT: You really weren’t listening at lunch, were you, loverboy?
TG: shut it like a novel without lesbians lalonde
~~~~~
The first thing that strikes you is how he types. He’s so loud all the time you’d almost expected him to type in all-caps to reflect it, but nope. He writes like any “Advanced English” student would plus about 50 cuss words.
You don’t know what you’re expecting when you first message him, but stubborn disbelief probably should’ve been higher on the list and you’re kinda kicking yourself that it was the last thing you were expecting.
He wants a picture of your eyes to show him that they’re the same shade.
TG: rose help he wants an eye picture
TT: Oops.
TG: i swear to god rose if you planned this youre cut off from the strider emotions hour
TT: Oh no. But it’s my favorite hour.
TG: too bad you lost hour privileges
TT: Will they be reinstated if I talk to him?
TG: depends on if it works
It does, of course. You have no reason to believe anything Rose sets her mind to could fail.
~~~~~
John and Jade both get school lunches and Rose waits with Jade, so you always end up at the table before anyone else.
Karkat sits down shortly thereafter. You fail to not notice that he’s sitting much closer to your spot than he did yesterday.
“Why don’t you want me to know your eye color?” He snaps immediately. You pointedly don’t look up from your sandwich. After a beat, you lift your head and dramatically gasp, as though you hadn’t noticed him sitting down.
“Hello, Karkat,” you deadpan like your heart hasn’t sped up the tempo, “when did you get here?”
“Haha, shitlord. Answer the question.”
“I’m doing just fine today. And you?”
He kicks you under the table.
“Dave I swear to God-”
“Listen, shorty. As much as I’d love to spill the gossip tea all over this table and add to the mysterious stains, not even my best friend knows my eye color. No way in hell you’re getting it just like that.”
“What’s the fucking problem?” a crease forms on his forehead, “you’re just gonna never show anyone, then? Keep the Big Secret under wraps til we all graduate like the planning committee to a senior prank?”
He’s trying to be angry, but the face he's making looks more offended than anything. You guess you kind of get it. He puts his eyes on display everyday and constantly has to deal with nosy strangers because of it. Finally he’s found someone who might be like him, but he really wants some sort of confirmation that you’re not just pulling his leg in an elaborate prank. You’d like to help, you really would, but you're playing blackjack and counting cards: have to play the deal right if you wanna get the king of hearts.
For the record you've never played blackjack in your life.
“How about this. I'll make you a deal, dude.” you lean in, like you're sharing a secret. “If you can guess the color, I'll show you.”
He gives you a look like you've grown a second head.
“If I guess the color, why would I wanna look?”
You shrug, spotting Rose and Jade walking your way. You raise a hand at their approaching figures and conclude with, “that's your only offer. You can take it or leave it.”
The girls sit at the table. Rose glances at Karkat’s seating option and looks to you with a smirk. It'd be suspicious for you to flip her off, but she knows enough about lip reading to tell you're not saying “Vacuum”.
John takes a selfie with all of you when he sits at the table to commemorate what he now declares Karkat’s “big table move” to your group’s spot. Your usual friends are used to the fact that John never turns off his flash, but it’s funny to watch Karkat get caught off guard by it. On your request, he sends you the picture.
Under the guise of checking the background for any dumb highschool shenanigans, you make sure your eyes are absolutely not visible.
Can’t fuck up the game this early.
~~~~~
You kick yourself for giving him any sort of way to see your eyes immediately after actually thinking about it. What the fuck? He's a romantic? Who's probably dreamed about another person having red eyes for his whole life? You’ve single-handedly set a time limit on your little plan with no reference for the units it uses.
TG: rose how can one person fuck up the game this early so thoroughly
TT: What are you talking about?
TG: cake boss what the fuck do you think I'm talking about
~~~~~
Karkat’s trek to lunch is followed by an entourage of two.
“Damn, Karkat,” you deadpan, “you look like you’re about to rough someone up for their lunch money. Who crossed you?”
“He’s always cross.” The tall kid standing behind him smirks. “You guys got room at this table for 3 more?”
“Kid, Karkat’s been sitting here this whole time. If you gotta fly in two new people you don’t go under the radar by sneaking in with the old cargo.”
Karkat huffs a laugh. The guy rolls his eyes behind his glasses, and the girl holding his hand smiles even wider.
“I can count, dumbass. Terezi’s still in line.”
“Just sit your asses down,” Karkat says while simultaneously taking his own advice, “I already told you there’s space. Tables seat eight and there’s only five here counting me.”
The tall kid is Sollux, as he tells you when they seat themselves. The person he’s holding hands with is Aradia.
“Dave Strider,” you introduce as you hold out your fist for them to bump. They meet you halfway, and you make a point of smirking at Karkat as you withdraw your fist.
Introductions go just as well for everyone else. Jade is delighted to see her circle of friends growing so fast; Rose looks forward to all their individual examinations and watching them slowly immerse themselves in the weird Table Sub-Culture (you don’t know the tech term even though you must’ve heard her say it like twelve times). John just loves people.
You’re all situated and chatting when another girl approaches, tapping Sollux on the head with her cane.
“Did you all seriously leave the blind girl to find the new table all on her own?” She asks, tapping each of her old friends in turn.
Sollux rolls his eyes.
“Oh gosh!” John stands up with a little more force than necessary, “please sit down. I would’ve gotten you if I’d had any idea!”
“Don’t let her fool you,” Karkat says, “sure she’s blind but she’s just as capable as you or anyone else but me.”
John shoots him a glare. It makes Aradia snort.
“She did find her friends without any of their help,” Rose comments, “and she knew they were at this table without having to ask as to our identities.”
“Terezi Pyrope!” the girl introduces as she rocks into John’s old seat. He glares at her a bit at the trick and she lowers her shades to wink at him.
Everyone stops dead. John, who’d been preparing for verbal war, stands dumbstruck.
Terezi slips her shades back on without knowing the sky-blue half of her non-dominant eye just shifted to back to teal before the whole table.
Rose explains it to her while John sits on the cafeteria floor, reevaluating his life.
~~~~~
CG: They hang out all the time now, and it sucks! Terezi used to quasi-kidnap me every other fucking day to go on her dumb-ass adventures, but now I practically have to beg her to hang out and she always brings John!
TG: i know what you mean
TG: our usual bro hangouts get crashed now cause at one point or another he always invites terezi over
TG: not to say she isn’t great herself
CG: Of course not; Terezi’s fucking awesome.
TG: but like its not the same as when it was just john and me
CG: Yeah…
TG: shit thats probably really selfish isn’t it
CG: I don’t know but if they get to go around attached at the hip, we get to be a little fucking pissed about it.
CG: I figure as long as we don’t try to be assholes to them it’s alright to vent a bit to each other.
TG: to each other? damn karkat you getting sentimental on me now?
CG: Fuck off. You know what happens if I complain to anyone else about it? It’s all “Oh, Karkat. That sounds awful. But what about *ME* when *I* find my soulmate??? Will you bitch and moan endlessly about *ME*?????” and it’s like
CG: I fucking *MIGHT*
CG: But God forbid you say that because now *YOU’RE* the bad guy.
TG: are you speaking from experience?
CG: We’ve talked too many fucking times for you not to know damn well that I’m speaking from experience, Strider.
CG: You know God forbid I not think of *OTHER PEOPLE* and their soulmates all the fucking time.
CG: It’s never like “you know what Karkat deserves to be a little upset that they’re being very public examples of something he’ll never get to have.” It’s always “but how will this affect Karkat when *I* get my soulmate?” so instead of actually being sympathetic they just make it all about them and how it’ll be when *THEY* find love.
TG: woah hold up there cowboy reign in the asterisks for me
TG: what’s the emphasized they supposed to mean
CG: You know exactly what the fuck I mean, Strider. You’re *LITERALLY* the only person I know who knows exactly what the fuck I mean
CG: Everyone around me is gonna find their soulmate and I’ll have to watch from the sidelines again and again as all the people I actually give a shit about leave me behind. Terezi’s the perfect example of it even. After all, hahaha who needs Karkat when I got real actual fucking love, right? The thing he’ll never be able to relate to except vicariously through other fucking people.
TG: shit man no don’t think of it like THAT that’s fucked up
CG: Don’t pretend like you don’t think the same fucking thing, Dave.
TG: i mean
TG: i used to i guess
TG: but then you know i talked to rose and she kinda turned my head around about all this shit
TG: cause like
TG: just because my eyes are the same shade of improbable doesn’t mean i can’t fall in love
TG: i think someday i’ll meet someone who i really connect with yknow?
TG: someone who gets me
TG: the draco to my harry
TG: i don’t give a shit who harry actually married, he and draco went through too much together for there not to have been some true love shit between them
TG: and maybe there wont be the comfort of that promise of love the eye thing does
TG: just like the books refused to acknowledge harry and draco’s real broship for each other
TG: but if we could like pull through that shit and still manage to be happy together like a 20 chapter drarry fanfiction
TG: i dont know i think thatd be pretty rad
TG: sorry rose is a lot better at explaining this shit than i am you should probably ask her about it
…
He’s still not typing.
Oh shit did you fuck up? Was that too strong?
TG: yo earth to space cowboy Karkat
TG: did you reign in the asterisks too hard and accidentally make it to the stars?
CG: No. Just
CG: Thinking
TG: it’s taking you a long fucking time to think there, dude
TG: like yo youre the one in advanced english you would think that your thoughts per minute would set higher records than ol’ regular english strider over here
CG: Being in Advanced English doesn’t mean you’re smarter, dipshit. It just means you’re willing to throw away your life for a grade multiplier.
Thankfully your carefully placed topic diversion works and the two of you continue on like nothing happened.
You always end up talking for way longer than you really should.
TG: but anyway i guess i deserved it after the whole walmart thing
CG: You *GUESS*?? You *GUESS*!!
TG: oh shit
TG: i gotta go i promised john i’d meet him super early to help with his eagle scout project
CG: What the fuck?! John’s still in Boy Scouts?
TG: excuse you? eagle scout’s a fucking honor? I’ll fight you?
CG: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Dave. Best friends with an eagle scout over here but still willing to fucking street fight any asshole who looks at him the wrong way.
He keeps going before you can sarcastically reply.
CG: I should get to bed soon too.
CG: But first thanks for saying all that stuff earlier about finding love
CG: I’m…
CG: I really needed that
CG: Anyway, goodnight.
carcinoGeneticist [ CG ] is now Offline
…
turntechGodhead [ TG ] started messaging tentacleTherapist [ TT ]
TG: rose help i think i fucked up
TT: If this is about Karkat’s earlier messages, then you didn’t.
TT: I don’t know what you told him, Dave, and quite frankly I’m slightly scared of knowing
TT: But whatever it was?
TT: Good work.
~~~~~
Group outings with all of your friends have gotten hectic since your little lunch table doubled in size. You’re all very different people with strange tastes in entertainment, so when you’re all together, the only things you can do are movies --where it’s an unspoken agreement to let John and Karkat fight out which one to watch and then make fun of the movie no matter who wins-- or laser tag. You’re not quite sure why laser tag worked out so well except for the fact that almost everyone loves laser tag on some level assuming they aren’t prone to seizures, suffering from violence-related PTSD, or afraid of partially dark environments.
Sollux, as good as he is at FPS games, has a much more difficult time in the physically taxing environment. Rose has amazing aim, but doesn’t have the violent aggression Karkat has or the focused, euphoric motivation and quick feet of Aradia. John always tries to make teams, only to betray his own after like a minute into the free-for-all.
Jade always wins. Most of the after-game high is spent in good-natured arguing over who cheated to get second.
It was your turn to drive everyone, so instead of joining in the fight (because you fucking know you saw John using his height advantage to fire over the super tall walls and that is absolutely against the rules how fucking dare he), you’re forced to focus on the road. You’re alright with that. You’re content to bask in the excited air around the group.
It’s good manners to wait after you drop someone off to make sure they get into their house. You’re glad you remember that, since on the very last stop before you head home, Karkat can’t open his front door.
“Kankri was supposed to be back by now,” he explains with his forehead against the driver-side window frame, eyes squeezed shut, “he has the house keys.”
“Doesn’t your garage have one of those code things?” you’ve heard of houses having those. He shakes his head.
“Kankri changes the code randomly without telling me, so I never have any idea what it is. The fence to our backyard doesn’t have a gate, but even if it did, I always make sure the back door’s locked before I leave the house.”
You smirk. “Welp, Vantas. Looks like you’re finally gonna get to see casa del Strider.”
“No. Absolutely not. I would rather die via stabbing by some thug while waiting for my brother to get home than in whatever hellhole you call your hellhome.”
“That’s an absolute lie. The only thing fatalistic here is you dying to know what my house looks like.”
He tries to give you more excuses to leave him. You make a point of ignoring him: rolling your eyes, leaning across the front seats, and opening the passenger door as wide as your stretch will let you.
“Not taking no for an answer here, man. You can leave a message at your house and tell Kankri to call when he’s home and i’ll drive you right back over. We’re not even that far from my apartment, dude, c’mon.”
He groans and drags his feet as he acquiesces to make sure you know how upsetting this whole “not abandoning him” thing is to his plans.
~~~~~
“Jesus fucking Christ, Dave. Did a God damn twister run through your fucking house? This is the messiest place I’ve ever seen, holy shit,” Karkat says immediately after stepping into the Strider apartment.
You look around. It’s not as bad as it was when you were a kid, to be honest. Sometime around middle school your brother realized the surprise visits from your friends probably weren’t going to go away, so he made a few touch-ups to the place. He built display stands in his room for the various weaponry (dulled, but decorative and could probably still do serious damage if Bro had anything to say about it), and he stores the remnants of his online entrepreneurial venture... somewhere. You honestly have no idea where those things are but as long as no one (including you) can see them, you don’t care where they’re hiding.
“I prefer the term ‘lived in’.” You reply, throwing the car keys in the dish by the door.
“Yeah? Well I prefer the term “not tripping over dumb crap lying on the floor and breaking my neck.”
He’s exaggerating. There’s nothing on the floor except the carpet.
You remind him to make the call to his house so he’ll spend less time raging at you over your place and more time yelling at his brother.
Speaking of which, you make sure to look around a little to see if the only person who knows the color of your eyes is home.
Bro isn’t.
~~~~~
He doesn’t end up spending too much time in your apartment. His phone starts ringing right after you start fighting over which movie you own is legitimately the worst versus which movie’s ironically the best.
Your argument that those were the same thing was cut-off by the antique ringing noise.
You sigh as Karkat answers his android. You reshelve the movies in their specifical order (tailored to make the movies look as haphazardly shelved as possible) and hum the tune to a new track you’ve been working on, so you don’t accidentally overhear his conversation.
Karkat taps on your shoulder.
“I know you already offered, but Kankri insisted you drive me back --and I’m quoting him on this-- right this instant.”
You snort. “Sure thing, Captain Vantas.” You stand as stiffly as possible and give as energetic a salute as you can muster while still being ironic about it.
The two of you move back the way you came in. Karkat goes to open the door as you recover the keys from the bowl.
He’s forced to stop. Bro stands in the doorway, his key in-hand and reaching for the knob.
~~~~~
“Oh shit!” Karkat steps back in shock. Bro lowers his hand. His head tilts up a little, presumably to look his random guest in the eye.
He stops.
Oh shit.
“I gotta take Karkat home really quick.” You rest your hand between Karkat’s shoulders to guide him out the door. Bro steps aside, but you can tell his eyes must be trained on Karkat’s the whole time.
As you try to pass him, your older brother grips your shoulder. You stop; your breath catches.
“When you get home,” he starts. His voice is carefully even. “We need to talk.”
He releases your shoulder, and you rush Karkat down the stairs before Bro changes his mind.
~~~~~
Karkat doesn’t ask about the thing that happened with your Bro, so you don’t explain it.
The drive to his house is quiet.
He hesitates by the car, but when you roll down the window he waves off the thoughtful look on his face, thanks you, and walks into his house without looking back.
The drive back home is loud. At least, in your head it is.
~~~~~
Bro’s waiting for you at the kitchen table when you walk in the apartment.
His shades are off.
Holy shit this is gonna be bad.
Shades-off conversations are something that evolved from when you were very little. When you were a kid and you wanted Bro to believe you about something, you would take your shades off and look him directly in the eye while you repeated it. Now, shades-off conversations mean no bullshit about serious things that really need to get said.
It’s intense as shit.
“Sit down, dude.” Bro says. His eyes flick to the chair right next to his. You take the one on the other side to show him your reluctancy to be a part of this. He rolls his eyes as he turns in his chair.
The world brightens as you take off your shades. You fold the legs carefully and place them next to Bro’s on the table.
“That’s what I thought,” he crosses his arms and leans back in his chair, “still blood red.”
“Yep. And now that we’re done here-” you start to stand up.
“Dave.”
“Yeah…” you slowly sit down again, “didn’t think so.”
“Who was that kid you had over?”
“Karkat.” You refuse to look up at him. You have no idea what his face is doing. For some reason, that always makes these talks easier.
“Does he know?”
“He knows a lot of things, dude,” you snark, “you’re gonna have to-”
“Dave.”
“No, alright?! No, he doesn’t know.”
“Why not?”
You pause. Finally, you lift your eyes to look at his expression. He’s not upset. In fact, Bro looks like he’s genuinely curious.
So you tell him the whole story. Rose’s suggestion, your dumb fantasies, meeting Karkat, knowing immediately who he is, your plan, etcetera. His expression doesn’t waver (when you falter during the part about finding love without a soulmate, he squeezes your shoulder, but he immediately removes it and goes back to his original position).
When you finish, you keep looking at the ground.
“Dave. Look up.”
“Do I have to?” You groan. You know the answer already, since this is a no-shades conversation, after all, but you can’t blame a guy for trying.
“I would appreciate it if you would.”
You sigh and look up to meet his eyes.
“First of all, you have to show him-”
“Bro, I can’t. That’ll ruin the whole plan.”
“The ‘plan’ you and Lalonde came up with is awful. You have to show him.”
“Bro, how will I know he likes me if the only reason he’s interested is because of my eyes?’
He readjusts himself in his chair, and you know he’s already got a plan of attack ready.
“Why does it have to be one or the other?” He asks, leaning forward, elbows on knees. “Why is ‘we’re soulmates’ and ‘I love you’ mutually exclusive in your head?”
“Because… because you’ve seen how it is, Bro! People who don’t know shit about each other suddenly start making out in public just because their eyes decide to chameleon back on them.”
“So?” Bro asks, “Isn’t that the point of soulmates? So that you know that it’ll all work out?”
“But that’s not what I want , Bro! I want someone who likes me for me, and I can’t know Karkat likes who I am if I show him my eye.”
“Why did you become so interested in Karkat?” He asks.
The question is a sucker punch, honestly. Usually, Bro’s little chats have two phases: question phase and attack phase. During question phase he gets everything out in the open and during attack phase is when the real hashing-things-out part happens.
The surprise of it makes you pause.
“It’s because of his eyes, Dave.” Bro says, taking your silence to be not knowing the answer. “You just admitted that you wanted Karkat to fall in love with you so that you knew that it’s really you that he likes, but you only started showing him all this special attention because you know you’re soulmates.”
“That’s not completely it,” you reply, “I knew I’d like the guy before because of how John and Jade described him. I only started doing this because I wanted to know he liked me.”
It’s a lie, but you don’t wanna think about what it means if Bro is right about this.
“Bullshit,” he says, “you might’ve thought you liked the guy, but there’s no way he became your romantic target until you saw his eyes. That’s what I-”
“Why do you even care so much?” You spit. How fucking dare he? He’s never shown a special interest in your love life before, but now since you’ve found the person who’s apparently your soulmate, he’s suddenly moderating everything you do about it? What the fuck!
Your question seems to make him pause. He stands.
“I’ll be right back,” he says, moving to his room. He comes back almost immediately, phone in hand. He unlocks it, clicks something, and you watch as he scrolls, scrolls, scrolls for a long time down whatever app he clicked.
“This,” he sets the phone on the table, “is why I give a shit about this.”
On the phone is a picture of him as a kid, without shades on. Immediately, something about it looks off, but you can’t quite put your finger on-
His right eye is forest green.
You snap your focus back to Bro, and he’s looking right at you.
“I was a little shit of a kid,” he starts, leaning back in his chair. “You know those people who are purposefully cynical of everything? Especially if it’s supposed to be ‘special’? That was me. When I was really young, I told people all the time that I didn’t believe in soulmates. They didn’t really understand what I meant --I don’t blame them. I barely understood what I meant-- but that made them mad. I’d get asked about what I intended to do if I ever found my soulmate. I didn’t have an answer for them, so I made one.
“I started wearing my shades when I was in elementary school. When kids asked what I’d do if I met my soulmate, I’d tell them I wouldn’t because the shades would keep us from ever making eye contact.
“I was a stubborn little shit in middle school. I refused to take them off. You’d hear rumors of people finding their soulmates whispered in the hallways, but I always said ‘no. I don’t care if they’re true.’ and kept the shades on.
“Sometime in high school, people started really finding their soulmates. When everyone asked why I wanted to hide my eyes, I changed my answer. I wanted to keep people guessing because I’m an asshole, so I made sure no one ever knew if my eyes were the same color or different. It infuriated everyone, and I soaked that shit up.
“I kept that reasoning going until you came into the picture. When your eyes never changed- Well,” he cuts himself off and smirks, “‘supposedly’ never changed, I felt like I had to support you, so even at home, I didn’t take them off.”
He pauses, reminiscing, and you use the gap in words to ask the question you’ve had since you’d seen the picture.
“Bro?” He shifts his eyes from a random point in the wall to you, “Why are both of your eyes orange?”
He slowly takes a deep breath and sighs it back out.
“One day, I woke up and,” he huffs a laugh, “and they were just… the same color. Looking back at me. I didn’t know what to think, cause unless I’d made eye contact with someone in elementary school and I’m just an incredibly late bloomer, there’s no way I could’ve found my soulmate.”
He leans forward and runs his hands through his hair.
“I started looking up what happened. Apparently the eye thing? It’s kinda like a download notification. There are only two ways to get a download notification to go away. Either it completes --in this case, with eye contact with your soulmate-” he looks up, directly at you. You’ve never seen your Bro as being “tired” before. Maybe you’ve never been old enough to see it during these chats.
“The other way to get a download notification to disappear is if it’s terminated: if the partner with that color dies.”
You want to say something, but if you could pick any of the words out of your head, they’d probably die of suffocation in your breathless throat.
“I was dumb, Dave. I let my childish hang-up about soulmates get the better of me. I must’ve met them at some point. I must’ve , but I never found out who they were because I decided teasing fate was gonna be a part of my long list of regrets.”
He slides off his chair so he’s kneeling in front of yours.
“I thought for the longest time that you didn’t have a soulmate, but now that you do? Now that you’ve found him? I’m not going to let you make the same mistake I did.”
You don’t remember moving, but the next thing you know your arms are around your brother’s shoulders, squeezing him as tightly as you can.
You whisper a hoarse apology. For a second you worry that it was too muffled against his clothing for him to hear it, but he chuckles in a way that doesn’t sound funny and brings his arms around you: one across your shoulders and the other up to ruffle your hair.
“It’s alright, Dave. I’m not gonna say I’m proud of it, but I’ve started coming to peace with it at the very least.”
The hug lasts for a very long time.
Before he lets you go, he gives you one last squeeze.
“Go get ‘em, little man.”
~~~~~
CG: *UGH* my brother
CG: Where the fuck does he get off accusing *ME* of not being responsible when *HIS* ass was the one 3 hours late without any warning.
CG: Sure, Kan.
CG: Oh shit, I forgot you were gonna get chewed out too.
CG: If it’s cause I was over without permission then I’d like to point out that *I* insisted I stay home but noooooooo, Dave Strider had to be a hero
CG: …
CG: Shit, still?
CG: Sorry dude if I had realized me coming over would be that big a deal I’d have been more persistent about staying home
TG: we need to talk
There it is.
Deep breaths.
CG: Yeah. We kinda do, huh?
CG: I guess this has been a long time coming.
TG: kinda yeah
TG: can i like come over to your house sometime so we can get this over with
CG: Really?
TG: what
CG: Nevermind.
CG: I just thought you were gonna try and do this over the internet or something
CG: You know
CG: To retain some sort of plausible deniability over the whole situation.
TG: isnt that destroyed by the whole purpose of “having a talk”
TG: besides i dont think we can really have this talk over the internet
TG: like literally
~~~~~
TG: im gonna tell him
TT: What?
TG: you know what im talking about lalonde
TT: As much as it might pain you to hear I am not, in fact, psychic.
TT: There are many things you should say to many people who use “he” pronouns. I am already so very busy in my day-to-day dealings that adding and updating a chart of all the things Dave Strider will probably realize he needs to do is far out of manageable bounds for me. If you want me to gasp dramatically at this great revelation I’m going to need for you to supply context.
TG: wow
TG: okay
TG: im going to tell *karkat* about *the soulmate thing*
TT: Finally, thank God.
TG: excuse you i was lead to believe there’d be a theatrical gesture in it for me when i coughed up the sick details
TT: My exaggerated exclamations are in high demand, Dave. I can’t be handing them out to every epiphany on the streets. Besides, if aforementioned “Dave Strider Epiphany Tracker” were a thing you’d be so far behind schedule I’d recommend purchasing some sort of pregnancy test.
TT: Your denial to see this “big move” as a corrective procedure to rectify the lie-based friendship you started months ago notwithstanding, of course.
TG: harsh
TT: And he’ll be any less so?
TT: Dave.
Oh shit that’s never a good sign
TT: Best case scenario: he sees you as a good friend, completely understands the reasoning behind your little facade, sees this “soulmate” reveal as the next step in an already blossoming relationship, and agrees to date.
TT: Worst case scenario: he’s already developed feelings for you. He views this act as a betrayal of his trust and decides if he can’t trust you to tell the truth about something you KNOW he deeply values, he can’t trust you to act any different in a romantic relationship. He attempts to remain friends, but the connection you once shared is now sheared by the incident and the two of your slowly drift apart.
TG: jesus rose
TG: is everything okay
TT: It depends. Both of the scenarios I listed are plausible outcomes of this situation depending on how you handle this, and I only want to show you the stakes.
TG: because i do *so well* under pressure
TT: Give yourself more credit, Dave. I trust you in a tight spot to a much further extent than many of our other friends.
TT: But I digress…
TT: You should probably avoid your usual stress-related habit of spouting euphemisms.
TT: Also, don’t just dive headfirst into the situation. Explain the intentions a little before the reveal. It’s important he understand where you’re coming from before he finds out you’ve been lying to him from the get-go.
TT: Oh, and understand that Karkat’s a very emotional person.
TG: omg rose i *know*
TG: im the one whos been hanging out with him remember?
TT: How could I forget with all the evidence you’ve been shoving in my face.
TG: i like the asterisks okay it gets confusing trying to remember if i turned off caps lock
TT: Mmhmm…
TT: Whatever you say.
TT: L
TT: O
TT: V
TT: E
TT: R
TT: B
TT: O
TT: Y
turntechGodhead’s [TG’S] computer has crashed.
TT: Ah.
TT: My apologies.
TT: I had forgotten the conditions surrounding your laptop situation.
~~~~~
You can see why Karkat thinks your apartment’s a sty compared to the place he lives. His house looks like it’s up for sale. It’s absolutely spotless.
“Did a God damn black hole run through your fucking house?” you ask him, carefully toeing your shoes off in the doorway, “Where’s all your shit?”
“Ha fucking ha. You’re just jealous that I can find everything in my house within minutes and you couldn’t find shit in your apartment if your toilet was clogged.”
“Gross.”
Your usual playful barbs are dulled with the tense air. You’re both walking into scary territory and doing the best you can to ignore the spooky musical score and hollywood fog machine.
You find your hand gravitating towards your shades, itching to take them off. You force them to stay casually relaxed by your sides. Time and place for everything, but not now. Thanks, Oak.
He leads you to the most minimalist living room you’ve ever seen.
“Kankri used the whole ‘giving up materialism’ thing when decorating, but heaven forbid he actually practice it by not spreading his weird obsession shit all over the place when he’s home.” Karkat rolls his eyes.
You shrug to show him you don’t care how cozy his living room is and turn to flop on the couch. You end up slamming your ass on what feels like a wooden board covered in a thin layer of cotton.
“Oh shit!” You rub your back where it jabbed against the rest, “He certainly wasn’t going for comfort.”
Karkat’s a practiced sort of careful as he sits on the glorified bench, giving you a smug expression when he’s finally settled without injury.
The tension worsens when there’s no reply to your earlier comment. A familiar crease deepens between his brows: the one that means he’s thinking.
“Alright.” You clap. It startles him. “Let’s stop beating around the- fuck.” Rose’s advice comes back to haunt you “Let’s get th- uh”.
“Just let me go first, so we’re not here all day.” Karkat takes a deep breath and turns to face you better on the cloth-covered driftwood
“Do you remember when you told me about the whole ‘love without soulmates thing’?”
“Uh, how could I forget?” You’d panicked for like 5 minutes before you’d had the brilliant idea to message Rose. You figure that’s not why you should remember that, “That’s when I revealed the ship I hold nearest and dearest to my heart.”
He snorts.
“Whatever, dickhead. Dramoine’s better, but whatever.”
You recoil in disgust.
“Shut the fuck up,” he rolls on, “they have a-”
“No!” You cover his mouth, ‘’don’t try to rationalize this. It’s okay, dude. You’ve admitted it, and now we can work together to get you past this.”
You feel cold slime slide across your hand, and once again, you recoil, sheltering your poor palm.
“Did you just fucking lick my hand?”
“Learned it from Kankri,” he brags, “he used to do that all the time when I tried to get him to shut up when we were younger.”
“Anyway,” he starts again as you wipe his spit off on his couch, “I’ve been thinking about what you said for a long time now. The idea that I could still find someone and we could fall in love, even without the soulmate thing, and I’ve been thinking for a long time that I’d like to try it.
“And while I was thinking I realized that I really wouldn’t mind if the first person I tried it with was you.”
You stop drying your hand on his couch, whipping your head to him. He’s staring determinedly at a spot on the floor.
“You’re the only person I’ve ever met who wasn’t claimed,” he explains, still not looking at you, “you’ve always helped me out when I needed --like with that whole ‘locked out of my house’ thing-- and, hell, you’re the person who gave me the idea in the first place.”
He looks up at you finally, and there’s this sort of hopeful look on his face that you’ve never seen before.
You’d love to. God, you’d love to.
Rose’s worst case scenario smashes you over your head.
“Karkat, I really have to take my turn now.”
He tries to keep his face from falling, but he’s never been good at that sort of thing. It crashes instead, and you feel your organs twist with guilt but you can’t let him keep thinking he doesn’t have a soulmate anymore, you just can’t.
Your arm itches up to your shades.
“Karkat, I haven’t been completely honest with you. It’s true that for the longest time, I didn’t think I had a soulmate. I wouldn’t lie to you about that. I grew up hating that I didn’t have a soulmate, and then one day Rose told me that thing about love and finding someone who loves you for you. Please understand, Karkat,” you think you’re begging him now. He looks confused and slightly alarmed already, but you can’t keep the note of desperation out of your voice, “I loved with the idea. It was the one possibility for me for the longest time. When I found you, I’d become so obsessed with it that I couldn’t let it go, and I’m so sorry about that.”
You let your arm lift to your shades.
“Dave?” Karkat asks, confusion worsening at what you’re obviously about to do. You swallow.
“You never took a guess at my eye color.” It sounds more like a question than a statement.
“It obviously wasn’t something you were comfortable with. I figured you’d tell me when you trusted me enough. Besides, if I guessed it, that kinda defeats the purpose of having you take the shades off, huh?”
“Wanna give it a shot?”
He blinks at you a couple of times on the couch. He shakes his head no, but as you start to slide the accessory off your nose, his face starts to brighten in the light of dawning realization.
“Ta da,” you say, finally making direct eye contact for the first time.
You swear you could trick yourself into thinking his left eye shifted somehow, but before you can really notice a difference, he’s standing, storming from the house.
~~~~~
You have your phone out before you hear the front door slam.
TG: rose
TG: rose
TG: rosebud
TT: That’s not my name. How would you feel if I tried to get your attention by calling you “David”?
TG: i was doing that quote from the dying guy from that one movie
TG: karkat just stormed out rose
TG: i explained it and everything like you said but when i took the shades off he just stormed out
TT: I’m terribly sorry, Dave.
TT: Do you need to be picked up?
[turntechGodhead is typing]
Before you can finish typing out that you drove yourself here, he storms back in, takes a look at you, opens his mouth to talk, stops, and gives a frustrated groan before turning and storming out again.
You revise your response to Rose.
TG: i dont think were done here yet
TG: but i drove myself so it should be fine
TT: Alright.
TT: Message me when you’re finished.
TG: will do
He stomps back into the house again. You stand, maybe you can talk to him and jumpstart whatever’s on his mind? But he cuts you off before you can make a sound.
“No! No no nonono, you do NOT get to say anything right now. Not at all. Oh my fucking God, Dave. What the absolute hell did you think this would accomplish?? What the fuck?! ”
You go to respond, but the question was evidently rhetorical because he once again proactively interrupts you.
“No, fuck you! You are going to listen the shit outta me because oh my God do I have a lot of shit to say about this little stunt you fucking pulled.”
He takes in a deep breath.
“You had absolutely no right to keep this eye shit to yourself. None. This isn’t some dirty little secret like bedwetting, dipshit. This affects me too, and the fact that you PURPOSEFULLY tried to keep me from knowing is just about the worst thing anyone’s ever done to me. And I have a whole fucking list of shitty friends, so that’s really saying something.”
He paces while he yells at you, hands flailing everywhere. You left your shades on the table when you stood. You’d love to put those back on right now (you have no idea what your face must look like, but it sure feels like your mouth is moving like a fish out of water), but you’re frozen in place by him.
“I mean, I thought you were an asshole before, but now I know you’re an absolute asshole! The only times when you weren’t cracking jokes at my expense or against other people, you were apparently lying to me about ‘not having a soulmate’ and just- just EVERYTHING that you know I care about. And where the fuck do you get off-” he cuts himself off with an angry scream, “hang on!”
He storms out again.
TG: i think hes like walking it off between yelling fits
TG: like he leaves when he gets worked up
TT: Oh that’s nice of him. I’d thought he was serious when he said he wouldn’t listen to my advice.
TG: wait
TG: this was you?
TG: you let me fucking think he left in the most dramatic worst-case way?
TT: The last thing I’d want to do is get your hopes up for nothing.
TT: But, yes, given the highly improbable chance that this little “reveal” would go well, I gave him some advice as to a few anger management techniques I’ve had under my belt since making our little Vantas’s acquaintance.
TT: How long do his little walks usually take?
TG: like 5 to 10 minutes
TT: Would you have preferred 5 to 10 minutes’ worth of anger pointed directly on you?
TG: i would have preferred a little warning lalonde
TT: You might’ve “fucked up the game” if you had known he was going to storm out no matter what. I wanted to be sure you tried your very best to help him understand.
TG: oh my *GOD* this isnt a fucking game lalonde
TT: Oh? What’s changed?
The front door slams open again as he marches inside.
“Okay, really sick and fucking tired of having to leave my own God damn house because of your douchebag move, but-”
“Why do you keep coming back?”
It’s the first thing you’ve said aloud in a while. You were a little worried your voice would crack given how stressed this whole ordeal made you, but thankfully it’s only a little wobbly.
You speaking seems to have changed something for him, though. He blinks at you, his rushed, pointed gestures from before melting into a calm determination.
“I’ve gone 18 years , Dave. 18 years thinking I was never going to have someone. 18 years wondering what I’d done to make the universe force me to watch all my friends fall in love while I sat on the bleachers.”
He moves around the table until he stands in front of you.
“I’m not completely over what you did.” He disclaims as he wraps his arms around you in a hug. He buries his face in the crook between your shoulder and your neck. “I don’t know how long it’ll take, maybe I’ll never completely be over it.” You bring your arms around him cautiously, treading the water. He lets you hug him back and nuzzle his hair.
“But it took me 18 years to find out you existed, Dave. I’m not losing you now.”