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Today was a day that should have been anything but.
Marinette sniffled as she sank onto her chaise longue. She also squelched. What a horrible, horrible day.
"I'm sorry, Marinette," said Plagg, emerging from her purse.
"You have nothing to be sorry for…" she said, in a single airy sigh.
"I could have stopped them."
"You couldn't."
"I could've cataclysmed them."
She pondered the idea for a moment. Then she said, "No. You would have blown up the entire school."
"Still…"
There was no 'still', though. She might have personally cataclysmed either Lila or Kim or Chloé if she could get away with it, but then Scarabrand would have had to resurrect them, and then they would still be there the day after. And Plagg's powers were far too unstable for him to do it on his own. She would just have to stand getting even more buckets of ice water dumped over her on the way home from school.
Actually, it probably wouldn't be a bucket of ice water next time. So far this school year, they'd tried… insects in the locker, glue on her bench seat, ink in her backpack, drawing pins in her shoes after gym, stealing her diary and reading it out loud in the cafeteria, stealing her phone to message the teachers swear words, stealing her phone to break it, taking pictures of her in the locker rooms and posting them to her (hacked) Insta, locking her in the bathroom, stuffing mushy banana inside her jacket, pushing her off the tall diving board, pushing her into the boys' showers while there were boys there, calling the cops on her during lunch and claiming she had drugs on her… she hated them, but at the very least, she had to give them credit for never trying the exact same thing twice.
"Maybe you can cataclysm me," she said, swallowing a sob. "Then I won't have to deal with them anymore."
It wasn't a funny joke, so Plagg didn't laugh. But the specific way he didn't laugh also wasn't funny. He floated into her field of vision, paws twiddling, mouth frowning sadly. "I'm just trying to stop you from making a big mistake," he said.
"… Big mistake?" she said. "And… you think cataclysming them would've been less bad?"
He nodded. "I'm pretty sure. I can feel them coming now."
"Them?"
"Yeah. Them."
Just as he closed his mouth after saying that, there was a loud 'pop'. She sighed. Yeah, it was the kind of day for them to arrive, wasn’t it? Another 'pop' came right after, and she scrunched herself together on the damp patch that by now probably covered most of the chaise.
"Oh, Marinette," said Alya. Bells chimed under her voice. "So careless. You must remember to change out of wet clothes before lying down. The holy light of God will warm you."
"The roaring flames of Hell will warm her much faster," said Kagami. Her voice had echoes of crackling embers hiding behind every word.
"Hell is a punishment for lost souls," said Alya. "Marinette is not yet lost."
"Hell is pleasurable," said Kagami. "The holy light of God is far too bright."
Marinette sniffled her way into a cough while they argued. She should have changed out of her clothes for sure, but sometimes she just needed to wallow in her misery for a bit. She might even get too sick for school tomorrow if all went well enough.
"The holy light of God cleanses all suffering."
"The profane fire of Satan fills you with joy, and furthermore is very efficient at drying up water."
"The ninth circle of Hell is colder than anything on Earth."
"That is not canon. That is from a fanfiction."
"Girls," said Plagg. "Can't you just both do your thing instead of arguing over it?"
There was a pause. Then both of them chorused, "You're right," and suddenly everything was simultaneously unbearably bright and incredibly warm. When it passed a second later, Marinette — and the chaise — were both dry and toasty.
Well… Marinette's eyes weren't dry. She sat up and pulled her sleeve across them. The others remained quiet as she did so. "I'm sorry," she said.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," said Plagg.
"For being wet and snotty and nasty," she continued, ignoring him. "Sorry."
"The ones who should be sorry are your bullies," said Kagami.
Marinette looked at her where she stood with her arms folded, frowning sharp — hopefully at Lila, Kim and Chloé. It was hard to imagine that Kagami was genuinely a demon, because she seemed like just a normal girl. A girl with irises that glowed red like furnaces, admittedly, and her freckles seemed to be moving around her cheeks like swarming flies, but she was the size of a teenager and she didn't have either a tail or horns. She was even dressed like a normal girl, or at least the type of normal girl who might start fights in the schoolyard.
The same was true of Alya. Not the fights in the schoolyard thing. But the looking incredibly normal thing — she was a teenage girl, dressed in orange flannel and blue denim, with well-cared-for hair on her head and large-framed glasses on her nose. She did have a halo, but it was detachable, and her sclera shone like they were backlit. And her voice sounded angel-like but the first time she appeared, she looked like a cosplayer. Not even a full-on cosplayer, but just someone who wanted to be a little brighter than otherwise possible.
While Marinette was fully aware of just how hyperactive her imagination could be, the two girls had been distinct enough that she had never doubted their realness even for a second. So somehow, through being bullied a lot for a long time… she'd ended up getting regular visits from two supernatural beings who seemed to be interested in her life and even comforted her. And not to forget, they were both incredibly beautiful.
She did have an ever-so-slight — well, not that slight, crush on the both of them. But they were not of Earth, probably immortal, and therefore definitely off the market.
"Vengeance goeth before a fall," said Alya, piously.
"Yes. The fall of those you commit vengeance against," replied Kagami, less so.
Marinette sighed. "Alya. Can you please tell me what I'm about to think of doing, and then tell me why I shouldn't do it?"
Alya responded with a confused blink. "Huh?"
"You know. Devil and angel together. I'm probably about to have some stupid idea and you're going to tell me why I should and shouldn't do it," said Marinette and sniffled again. "I bet I'm going to plan some harebrained scheme to get back at Chloé and Kim and Lila. So just tell me what the stupid thing is."
"It's not stupid," scoffed Kagami. "It's devilishly clever."
"Tell me anyway, please."
"Well…" started Alya, pulling the word out like taffy. "Okay. You're kind of right, I guess. There are three things."
Kagami's hand shot up. "Four things."
"Yes, you're right. Four things. But the fourth is connected to the third."
Marinette nodded. That made sense — she was very good at getting way too complicated with things, so why wouldn't she come up with a four-point plan of revenge? Before she could ask them to continue, though, she was interrupted by a small cardboard box.
"For you," said Plagg, nudging it at her cheek. "Tissues."
"Th-thank you," she said and smiled at him. "I, that's very thoughtful of you."
"Yeah," he said, and turned the box upside down over her lap. Tissues piled across her thighs. "I know."
As Marinette took a towel and started blowing her nose, Alya cleared her throat and unrolled a scroll between her hands; the scroll had simply appeared in her hands with a tiny 'poof'. "So. The things. Marinette, the first thing is for me to cure your cold with the holy power of God Almighty."
"Okay."
"The second thing is for Kagami to throw a third of the stars of Heaven down to earth with her tail, and devour the woman's baby."
"… What?"
"Ah." Alya wrinkled her nose at the parchment. "That's not right."
"That's the instruction for what I'm supposed to do in the end times," said Kagami. "From the Book of Revelations. I'm also supposed to persecute the very same woman."
Marinette felt roughly six hundred and sixteen per cent confused right now. "What are you talking about?"
"Important religious stuff," said Alya. "Incidentally, I'm supposed to pour seven bowls onto the Earth, and they all do something terrible."
"So… can Kagami really throw stars down to Earth?" said Plagg. He sounded, and looked, in awe. "Can you do that? With your tail?"
Kagami shrugged. "My powers aren't strong enough yet. I'll need to be promoted to archdemon first."
"She's lying," said Alya. "She's already an archdemon."
"So what? You're an archangel."
Maybe it was inadvisable to let them natter on like this. It probably wasn't wise for the soul to listen in on the machinations of beings so far beyond her power. Even Alya could probably corrupt her, in the sense that Alya's perspective on things was always a little too high-minded. She was too good. Always telling her that the bullying wasn't a problem and to stop worrying about the bullies, so as not to be drawn into sin.
On the other hand, she really liked hearing them talk. They had an energy to them, a kind of — maybe religious fervour, maybe indignation — to the way they spoke. About each other and about others and about her. It felt… like they cared, in fact. Like it mattered to them that she be as happy as possible.
And they were also fun. She could watch them like a play on a stage.
"Either way, the next thing is that Kagami should give you mental fortitude."
"Can demons do that?"
"Yeah. Especially Kagami."
"When I'm done with you, Marinette, you will be the most focused and minded person in the universe."
Alya snorted. "She's lying again."
"Correct," replied Kagami, with no apparent shame. "Not even Satan herself could manage a transformation like that. I will however aid your resilience and decisionmaking ability."
That didn't make sense, though. Marinette frowned at them. They were telling her about her plan, right? The one she was about to lay? But she knew she would never have asked for something like that. The only favour she might have asked them would be, 'Can you make Chloé and Kim and Lila stop?' "Are you both messing with me right now?"
"We are extremely serious," said Alya.
"I would never toy with your feelings," said Kagami.
"She actually isn't lying about that one," said Alya.
"Fat chance," said Plagg.
"We take Marinette very seriously," said Kagami.
"Then do something about her bullies!" said Plagg.
The sound of Alya clearing her throat was akin to a metal rake through gravel, for all the attention it invoked. "That's actually the third thing."
"Indeed. Marinette, you know angels and demons, correct?" said Kagami.
Marinette glanced between the two of them. "Er. Yes?"
"Did you know there's a third type?"
This time, Marinette glanced aside at Plagg, who looked as confused as she felt. "Kwaaamiiis?" she suggested, while still looking at him, dragging the word out as far as possible.
"Not kwamis. Kwamis are unholy. No offence, Plagg," said Alya.
"Good," said Plagg. "I don't want to be holy."
"I thought demons were unholy?"
"That's a common misconception," said Kagami. "Demons are anti-holy. We are part of the paradigm of holiness, just the same as angels. Kwamis are not created by God, but follow the paradigm of balance instead."
"But…" said Marinette, who had been to Sunday school, "I thought God created everything?"
Alya nodded solemnly. "Correct. God created everything God created. Likewise, She did not create anything She did not create."
"Doesn't that mean God didn't create everything?"
"No. She created everything, but others created other everythings."
Marinette blinked. "So… um… anyway…"
"Likewise, God can do everything, except for the things She can't," said Kagami.
"Can you stop with the theobabble and just tell us what the third thing is already?" said Plagg, almost petulant in his annoyance.
"Yes," said Alya. "The third type of being is a chthon."
"A what?" said Marinette.
"Chthon."
"Kafon."
"No. Chthon. Beings of the soil and earth. Angels come from Heaven and devils from Hell, but a chthon —" the way she uttered the word made it sound like an incantation every time it passed her lips — "represents the planet. Earth."
"And no," said Kagami, "Heaven and Hell are not on Earth. That is also from a fanfiction."
"Okay," said Marinette, who had nothing better to say.
"Well, Heaven on Earth is from a pop song. It's as sinful as fanfiction, though."
"I thought you liked sin," said Plagg.
"I didn't say I disliked them. I just care about factual accuracy. And characterisation." Kagami grinned with her teeth bared. "I can forgive both if it's sufficiently sinful."
"Either way, there are three domains. Heaven, Hell, and Earth," said Alya. "Angels are guardians of Heaven, demons are guardians of Hell, and chthons are guardians of Earth."
"Alya also likes fanfiction, by the way."
Marinette pinched the bridge of her nose. It wasn't from frustration: she just really really really needed to quell her impulse to ask for their accounts.
"If you want to —"
"No! I don’t," said Marinette.
"— become a chth— why not?"
God. Or — Satan. Or whoever. "S-sorry, um… I thought you were talking about something else…"
"So you do want to become a chthon?" said Kagami, eyes wide.
"No!" said Marinette. "Yes! I don’t know! What's a catphone supposed to do?"
"You would be promoted from your earthly body into a new, different earthly body," was apparently the answer. "With it, you would be tasked with guarding the Earth."
"From… what?"
"From earthlings. People, generally."
Marinette looked to Alya. "How much is she lying right now?"
"She isn't lying."
"Aren't you guarding the — Heaven and Hell — thingy — from each other?"
"No? There aren't demons in Heaven," said Alya. "Just belligerent angels and angels who have no idea what they're doing. We have more than enough nonsense with our own folks."
"Like…"
"Like littering and industrial pollution, bullying, and unlicensed choir activity."
"And Hell never got a handle on its climate change problem," said Kagami wistfully. "That is why it's on fire."
"That's a lie, by the way."
"True. It's actually because Satan had the brilliant idea of replacing every tree with a flamethrower."
Marinette felt like she hadn’t stopped staring blankly for the past five minutes. "So… er… can you just tell me about the third part of what you were telling me? You're just confusing me right now."
The two of them looked at each other. "We already told you," said Kagami, not moving her eyes off Alya until the end.
"No, I understand," said Alya. "I shall explicate — explain, sorry, the particulars. You will be promoted to a chthon, a guardian of the Earth, and take on the role of protecting this world from its own people and their follies. You will get a different body, but it will look the same, so there won't be much of a difference in that regard. You will, however, be safe from all bodily harm and swirlies."
"So." Marinette sighed. "You just explained everything except the thing I actually need to know."
"Oh?"
"What about Plagg?"
"And what does 'protecting' mean?" said Plagg, which Marinette hadn't even thought to ask about.
Again, a shared look between Alya and Kagami. Then Kagami said, "You could still be Lady Noire if you want. Hawk Moth is still an earthling. You'd be guarding the place against him too."
"As for 'protecting', you can interpret that how you want. Do things you think would make the world better," added Alya, addressing Marinette even though it was Plagg who asked. "However, you ought to do something about your bullies in specific. They need to be taught a lesson, so they won't pick a new victim in your absence."
"And how would she be teaching them a lesson?"
"Chthon powers."
"What are chiffon — that thing — what powers?" said Marinette.
"You know how I can summon a tail that can throw a third of the stars of Heaven down to Earth?" said Kagami.
"Er," said Marinette, who had only just now realised that the phrase 'Kagami has tail' had opened itself up to her.
"Well, you won't be able to do that. But you'll have something of a similar power level."
Alya cleared her throat. "We don't know exactly what a chthon's powers will be, because a chthon hasn't existed for the last two millennia. If you become one, you would be alone."
"You would be an archchthon," said Kagami, somehow managing to pronounce all of that without choking on her own tongue.
"But you would be powerful."
"Alone," said Marinette. The word tasted like mouldy rotten apples to her mouth.
"However, you would have access to the celestial lunch room," said Kagami. "They have a very tasty tzatziki chicken wrap. Plus we go there, along with all the other angels and demons."
"You can also visit us in Heaven or Hell," added Alya. "You would not be alone, just unique."
"Oh. That's less horrible, then."
Plagg, whose arms were tightly folded, seemed unconvinced in other parts of him also. "So there's a catch. There's got to be something really wrong here you haven't told her about."
"No catch. She will become a chthon and rule — I mean protect Earth," said Kagami.
"Other than how she would be unable to sleep, there is no catch," added Alya, which —
"What? I'm supposed to just never sleep again? That’s horrible!" said Marinette, all other details forgotten. She was already running on a lifetime sleep deficit that exceeded two whole years, despite being barely fourteen; she did not want to rack up an eternity of that horrible bastard feeling. "Am I meant to just sit around and keep watch all day?"
"You understand perfectly," said Kagami.
"She's lying," said Alya. "You misunderstand completely."
Kagami’s grin was toothy, even fanged. "Yes. That was a lie, but this isn't. When you become a supernatural being, you lose the need for sleep. You will always feel well rested, and you can spend the nighttime working on creative projects or reading books you want to catch up on."
Marinette stared.
"She's really not lying this time," said Alya.
Marinette turned to look at Plagg. He easily caught the request that lay waiting in her eyes, but he didn't seem to agree with it.
"Marinette, don't. You're just very upset right now. They're trying to trick you into doing something you'll regret. You can’t trust them."
Despite his gentle tone, his words sounded cruel to her ears. "But I won’t have to be tired anymore. And I won’t be bullied, either."
"Yes, but —"
"And I can go to Hell!"
"Yes! You can! But there's something they're not telling you. I know what supernatural beings are like." He shot them both a glare as he continued, "Us kwamis and renlings are like that too. There's always a bargain. They want you to give birth to the Antichrist or something."
"We do not," said Alya, eyes wide. "Heaven forfend."
"Hell also forfends," said Kagami. "But better."
"The Antichrist was born five hundred years ago and his name was Jean Calvin," said Alya.
"There is one thing we haven't told you about, though," said Kagami.
Marinette resolutely ignored Plagg's triumphant 'I knew it!' and fixed Kagami with a look. "What thing?" — unless it involved being gutted like a fish before she could become a K-tron or whatever, it would be hard to find anything to dissuade her.
"It's about your line of succession," said Alya.
"My what?"
"In the event something happens to you, you have to elect someone who can temporarily take over in your stead. All arch-beings require a soulbearer — a chosen successor — or their ascension will be considered illegitimate by the Council."
"This is a reciprocal bond," continued Kagami. "The soulbearer needs to be an arch-being, and because you will be the only archchthon in existence, you will have to pick an archangel or an archdemon. You will also act as their successor in the event they get indisposed."
"Indisposed… how?" asked Plagg.
"Usually the common cold," said Kagami and shrugged. "Angels also get bird flu, and demons can get fish flu. I guess a chthon would be susceptible to something like… mushroom flu?"
"Oh."
"Being a soulbearer is also an intimate bond," said Alya, almost lackadaisically, like she didn’t notice how she'd just done an insane transition. "You have to devote yourself to them as a romantic partner. It's somewhat like a bond of marriage for humans, but even more intense. And I think you should pick me as your soulbearer."
"And I think you should pick me," said Kagami.
Marinette stared at both of them, until she couldn't any more for the boiling heat in her cheeks. "W-wh," she managed, at some point, though she failed to register when. She was being proposed to, at the same time, by an angel and a demon? By them? The prettiest creatures in the world?
She registered also, but only vaguely, that they were looking at her in… a way. Right before she dropped her gaze in embarrassment, she saw Alya’s queer smile and Kagami's sizzling eyes and they both felt so charged.
"Heaven is a much better companion for an Earth-dweller," said Alya. "We provide for all spiritual and bodily needs. Furthermore, angels can always be trusted to do good."
"Demons can always be trusted to do fun, which is far better," said Kagami. "Besides, Hell contains me and has much better decentralised heating."
"Hell is a punishment."
"Heaven is a chore."
"I can provide her with kindness and guidance."
"I can provide her with the best fanfiction ever written."
"I'm a superior kisser."
"Yes. By a hair's breadth."
"That is true." Alya tapped her chin thoughtfully. "We are both very good at it."
"So, Marinette," Kagami looked back at Marinette, who immediately dropped her gaze, "who will it be? The angel, or the demon?"
"I, er, I, I don’t think, are we really going to be ma-m-martinied?"
"Oh, Hell, no. We’re all way too young for that. Save drinking for when you're eighteen or older."
"I, I mean —"
"Excuse me," said Plagg, "but who are your soulbearers?"
"Each other, of course," said Alya. "Did you think we were coming here together as a joke?"
Plagg's eyes went wide. "You mean you're married and you still want to marry Marinette? I thought God didn't approve of bigamy."
"God is married to twenty people. Zeus, Freyja, Toutatis, Isis, Buddha, Nü Wa," said Kagami. "The list goes on."
"And… how am I supposed to choose?" said Marinette.
Because she knew she was fine with everything they'd told her so far. Becoming a kayfabe and fighting bullies, all great. Getting to have regular lunches with Kagami and Alya, also good. Becoming a soulbearer, fine, but actually agreeing to their proposal had become a lot harder now that they had brought romance snd intimacy into the equation. She hadn’t even told them yet that she fancied them, and her first go at it had now become a life-long — and therefore eternal — commitment. And she needed to choose one of them! Not both! This was — not satanic, but something terrible not related to divinity. Presidential, maybe. Yeah. Presidentially awful.
"I don't think you should choose either of them," said Plagg. "You don't know what their ulterior motives are."
"Well, I'm becoming a telethon anyway," she told him, with a firmness that faded immediately after. "But… soulbearer… that's, that's a big asp…"
"A big asp that's made out of fire," said Kagami.
"What?"
"Maybe I can make the choice easier for you," said Alya. "Pick both of us. We will both be your soulbearers, and you will be soulbearer to both of us. That way we will all be joined together."
"I agree," said Kagami. She sounded a little too pleased.
And Plagg groaned loudly. "I get it. That's your motive. You just wanted a third."
"Au contraire," said Alya. "We want to help Marinette out of her unfortunate bullying situation, because we care deeply for her and want to see her happy. Soulbearing is just a bonus."
"We hate to see a pretty girl like her suffer. She deserves so much better than to come home crying every day," said Kagami.
Marinette choked. "P-p-pretty?"
"Absolutely gorgeous. Unfathomably good-looking."
"And clever, and kind, and probably very good at kissing," said Alya, which what?
"Okay, fine," said Plagg. "Pretend you're being altruistic all you want, but why have you been pretending to fight all day, then? You're hiding something."
"We're not pretending," replied Kagami, airily.
"I still think Marinette would make a better angel," said Alya. "Her tender heart and innate kindness puts her on the side of good. Kagami thinks she would make a better demon, because of her occasional self-absorption and frequent lying habits, which I think just means she's a teenager."
"Plus it's fun to make more demons. But no, the chthon solution is a compromise that satisfies us both. And, we hope it will also satisfy Marinette."
Plagg groaned loudly. "Well, I can already tell she's not going to say no, so whatever. Do your nasty godlike things."
"We are going to," said Kagami. She popped and then she was right by Marinette’s side and she held Marinette’s left hand in both of hers, and Marinette whined quietly as a shiver made her entire skeleton feel like maracas. "So, Marinette. What do you say?"
Alya also popped, and she grabbed Marinette’s right hand with both of hers. "Do you want the three of us to become mutual soulbearers, from here until eternity? Squeeze both our hands if yes."
What else was there to do? Marinette squeezed like she was trying to get ketchup out of two packets at once, but she didn't dare look. She only felt a satisfaction from them that even suffused their palms, a heat she had never felt before.
Until Kagami said, "Excellent," and pulled her in for a hungry kiss on the mouth that felt like it would melt her. It certainly burst her eyelids wide open.
"Thank you," said Alya, and did the same thing — pulled Marinette’s head towards her and pushed their lips together. The kiss was no less hot, just… different in character. Less hungry and more seeking.
And then, Marinette did melt. The heat got even stronger, and they kept kissing her with a nigh or possibly actually religious fervour, and piece by piece she felt her body drip away into nothing. Only her mouth remained, to be kissed for what felt like eternity.
And Marinette the human no longer existed.
Ivan jumped along the rooftops. The akuma alert had gone off, and Scarabrand — the Beetle of Justice — needed to go into action.
He was usually slightly behind Lady Noire to the scene. She was nimbler than him, and his yo-yo was better suited to be a weapon than a transportation device. Today, though, he was first at the scene — to see what looked like a giant baby rampaging around the Eiffel Tower.
He'd never understand what Hawk Moth was thinking half the time.
As he surveyed the scene, he suddenly became aware of — a presence, he could only describe it as a presence — behind him. He turned to see Lady Noire.
Kind of. It looked like her, but there was an aura around her that felt pretty different from her usual vibe. Her eyes glowed through the mask, and there was a layer of fine dust around her feet even though they were not on the ground.
Oh, and yes. She was levitating.
"Hey, Scarabrand," she said. "Good to see you."
"Hello," he said. "Did you… unlock some new power, or something?"
"Me? Oh, no, no, not at all," she said, which felt like a classic case of 'the Lady Noire doth protest too much'. "I just didn't feel like walking. Want me to handle the akuma?"
"Uh. Sure?" he replied, more than a little confused. Handle the akuma alone? Was she that confident she could handle the entire giant baby on her own?
"Okay. Here goes," she said. "And… there!"
He didn’t see how it happened. Or how she had anything to do with it. But suddenly, without warning, there was an avalanche on top of the baby. An avalanche, in the middle of Paris, in the middle of summer, next to a river that had no mountains next to it. Only the baby's hand was sticking out of the side, with a wristband around it.
"… How…" he muttered.
"Oops. Sorry. I didn't realise it would be that strong," she said. "Anyway, I'll just go get the akumatised object, and you can fix the damage, and then I can get back home to my wives."
His eyes bulged. "You're married?"
"No! I'm not, I meant get a house for my chives, they're growing so fast right now, ahaha. I have no wives and anyway they're not wives, it's a different thing, I'll go get the object bye!"
She popped — vanished, appeared by the distant avalanche, popped back to him with a toy wristband over her shoulders. He had barely been able to register all that happening, let alone comprehend it.
But he broke the object and purified the akuma and cast the cure, and then Lady Noire flew away again.
Well, whatever had happened, he hoped it would help them stop Hawk Moth faster.
He hopped back home, and the next day at school, he was pretty sure he knew who Lady Noire was when a similar, but a lot smaller, ice cube slide hit Lila in the cafeteria.