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"Don't be bemused, it's just the news! This is Nadja Chamack, live with Journal 13h00, giving you the latest happenings from all across Paris and the world. And for today's first report, we actually have a breaking item involving the heroes of Paris. Clara Contard is present on the scene."
"Thank you, Nadja. It seems that a civilian has been akumatised within Tour Montparnasse, and has managed to overpower one of the heroes. I — sorry for the noise, but the helicopter isn't the best for delivering a clean report — I haven't been able to confirm what the civilian's power is, but it's been suggested that she might have some form of mind control."
"She? Has the civilian been identified?"
"Yes. Her name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng, and if we zoom the camera a little closer — yes, there. You can clearly see her walking towards the edge of the tower, with the hapless hero slung over her shoulders."
"She doesn't look like an akuma, Clara. Can you explain this?"
"Sorry, no. But her strange behaviour clearly suggests akumatisation. Who knows what powers Chrysalis might have given her?"
"The hero over her shoulder seems to be Ryuuko, holder of the Dragon Miraculous."
"Yes. That's correct. She was not observed prior to being captured, but eyewitnesses have said Ms Dupain-Cheng came out of a restroom while carrying her. We don't know why either of them were in the building to start with."
"Please explain to us what you can see right now, Clara."
"Yes. Ms Dupain-Cheng is carrying Ryuuko over her shoulders like a yoke. She doesn't seem burdened at all. Perhaps that's suggestive of magical super-strength? She's moving towards the edge of the roof, which bodes poorly for the hero… maybe she's biding her time to strike back? It's impossible to read her expression, but she's completely limp in Ms Dupain-Cheng's grasp. Mind control, or maybe hypnosis, seems highly likely."
"Some would suggest those are the same thing."
"I think that… sorry, Nadja, but that's a bit of a low blow. I'm out here in the field trying to think of everything I need to say on the fly. At least you have a teleprompter."
"Please don't say things like that live on air."
"Then don't dismiss my commentary live on air, Nadja! Have some common courtesy."
"My courtesy's better than 'common', thank y— oh, Jesus! God!"
"What? What? Did something — where did Ryuuko go?"
"She threw her off! She just… threw her!"
"Oh my god! That's very far to fall! Let's hope Ryuuko recovers before she hits the ground!"
"Are those… heroes? Are there heroes on the roof right now?"
"What? Oh. Yes, I think so. It seems like Cat Noir, Rena Rouge, Carapace, Pigella, Minotaurox, Pegasus, and Caprikid have all showed up out of a portal to confront Ms Dupain-Cheng. Can they stop her in time, before Ryuuko perishes?"
"Ryuuko has already been thrown off the roof."
"I know that."
"It only takes five seconds to hit the ground. Ryuuko is dead, Clara."
"Stop backseat driving my commentary, Nadja! Oh my God!"
"We've seen a hero thrown off the roof to her unquestionable death by splattering against the asphalt!"
"I'm trying to keep people's hopes up!"
"Why? Ladybug will fix everything when she comes! Including dead heroes!"
"Well, excuse me, Nadja. My job isn't to predict the future, it's to tell the audience what's happening! So will you just let me do my job?"
"… Yes. Do your stupid commentary, or whatever."
"Thank you. Let's see… it appears that the heroes are confronting Ms Dupain-Cheng. Aggressively so, one might say. All seven of them are standing around her in something that looks like a half circle, and several have their weapons raised. The main speaker seems to be Rena Rouge, but we of course can't hear what's happening because I'm in an incredibly noisy helicopter. If only someone, who must not be named, had gotten us the money for a second, grounded camera crew…"
"Clara, I swear to Christ. That was the board's decision, not mine."
"You were at the board meeting."
"I'm not a board member. I was only there to speak for the allocation of extra money which, I'll remind you, I did. They just would not listen."
"A likely story."
"It's the truth! God!"
"Anyway, Ms Dupain-Cheng doesn't seem to be backing down. The heroes appear to be flummoxed. I wonder why?"
"If you were paying attention —"
"Now what's this? A sudden gust of wind? Everyone seems to be flinching away, their hair fluttering, except Ms Dupain-Cheng… she's just holding her arms out. Her cardigan almost seems like it's going to lift her off the building."
"Why haven't the heroes done anything to her?"
"Why don't you pay attention yourself, Nadja? God knows you're bad enough at missing cues."
"I read every cue card to perfection."
"Oh, please."
"Why's that damn wind there? Why aren't you getting buffeted about? Can't be that localised, can it?"
"A helicopter generates significant downdraught. You know that."
"Not — wait! Is that… Ryuuko?"
"What? Oh! Yes, it is! And she's reformed in… Ms Dupain-Cheng's arms?"
"So she has! My gossip senses are tingling…"
"Why? This is unprecedented. A villain has thrown a hero off the roof, and now the hero has returned to the villain? Obviously she's mind controlled! Why is she leaning up like that?"
"Come on, Clara. You can see that's a kiss."
"No! I can't! We're so far away I can hardly tell what colour their hair is! Blue? Black?"
"I think Ryuuko might just have gone public with her girlfriend."
"A 'girlfriend' who threw her off the roof!"
"Just look for a bit."
"… A 'girlfriend' who's just thrown her off the roof a second time!"
"Well, the other heroes don't seem to mind so much anymore, do they?"
"Now you mention it… it does kind of look like they're bemused more than confrontational…"
"Well, as I always say — don't be bemused, it's just the —"
"Oh, be quiet. Can't you find out what's happening?"
"You're the one in the reporter helicopter."
"Yes. A helicopter. I can't exactly step over to them for a chat."
"Just catch their attention and they can help you down! Good grief, do I have to explain everything to you?"
"You have never explained a single thing to me that I didn't learn years ago from a smarter person!"
"So why did you need them explained again?"
"I didn't! Jesus beetles! You're just a nag! Oh, what the hell, now Ryuuko's back again, and Ms Dupain-Cheng is holding her like a pinup model. I can't make heads or tails of this."
"Just ask them for an interview."
"Oh, all right! Stop pestering me, you menace. Yoo-hoo! Heroes! Ms Dupain-Cheng! I have questions for you! Yoo-hoo! Hey! Mind coming up here to speak to us about — Jehosaphat! Mary and Joseph!"
"Clara? Clara? What just happened? Why did you disappear from the camera? What's that blue glow?"
"Hello? Nadja? Can you hear me?"
"Yes! I can hear you."
"I — I seem to be on the roof! With the heroes. Pegasus kindly and very unexpectedly provided me with a portal. They're all waving at me, I don't know if you can see that on the camera? It's probably too far away, but as long as Gilles is on top of things you should be able to see me, at least."
"Yes, we can see you. Not very clearly. You're like a tiny doll version of yourself. Now do that interview!"
"Oh, all right, stop nattering on about it. Er, Ryuuko? Ryuuko? Can you explain what is going on? Ryuuko?"
"I think Ryuuko's a little dazed at the moment, to be honest."
"Who was that? Clara, who just talked?"
"That was Rena Rouge. Rena Rouge, I'm Clara Contard from Channel 5 News. Would you mind explaining what is going on?"
"Well, Clara… to be honest, I don't really know myself. We heard reports that an akumatised civilian had overpowered Ryuuko, but when we got here, it was just Marinette. She didn't seem akumatised at all, except for the hucking Ryuuko off the roof thing, I guess. But it looks like Ryuuko's into it?"
"It's enrichment!"
"And she keeps saying that, but I don't know what she means —"
"Hello? Clara? Who said that thing about enrichment?"
"Marinette Dupain-Cheng! Would you mind expanding on that point for Channel 5 News? I'm Clara Contard, from —"
"I know! We've spoken before."
"… We have? When?"
"Er. That's not important right now. But we have. What did you want to know?"
"Oh. Well. Why did you throw Ryuuko off the roof?"
"It's enrichment!"
"Yes. You already said. But what does that mean, exactly?"
"It means… she enjoys being thrown off the roof. It's a change from her daily routine and activates her adrenaline production. Er, that's why she's like this, by the way. She's hopped up on endorphins."
"To the viewers at home, I would like to clarify that since I got onto the roof, Ryuuko has been hanging over Ms Dupain-Cheng's shoulders from behind. She's also smiling, I would say with contentment."
"She's very happy, yes. And she's extremely safe, because she can just turn into wind as she falls and fly around. She told me she wants to experiment with lightning next, but I think we'll need to get to a safer area for that."
"Intriguing! Do you also do this with other heroes?"
"Er. No. It's — we have a, um, we have a special arrangement. Please don't ask further ques—"
"My colleague Nadja suggested that you and Ryuuko might be a couple. Can you confirm this?"
"No! No we're not!"
"You look incredibly red, Ms Dupain-Cheng. Are you okay?"
"No! Yes! Stop asking!"
"It's okay, Marinette. You don't have to pretend… it's fine if people know…"
"But — but —"
"Hello? Clara? Who was that? Why did she sound sedated?"
"That was Ryuuko, in fact. And I think she just confirmed that the two of them are dating?"
"What? No! No, she didn't, where did you get that idea from? We're just good friends, I repeat grood fends, who sometimes kiss each other, I mean she kisses me, don't ask any more questions. Hey, do you want to see me suck Ryuuko again, I mean chuck! Chuck! Like throw! Agh! Aaaah!"
"Clara? What was that loud noise just now?"
"Er, Ms Dupain-Cheng just lobbed Ryuuko into a wall. Very hard. I think on accident. And you might hear some background voices now, that's Ms Dupain-Cheng instructing Pegasus to very carefully transport Ryuuko to her bedroom. Ms Dupain-Cheng's bedroom, I should clarify. She's also asked the other heroes to, and I quote, 'fease pluck off immediately'."
"It's confirmed, then? The hero Ryuuko is publicly dating a civilian? My babysitter?"
"Babysitter? You know her? — wait, shit. Pegasus left, and I have no way of getting back into the helicopter."
"I suppose you'll have to take the stairs, then. Start exercising again."
"I jog regularly, you witch."
"Funny. I thought you just took the helicopter everywhere."
"Shut u— wait. Are we allowed to say that on air?"
"Say what?"
"Fease pluck off. It sounds like 'please f—'"
"Oh, they took us off the air long ago. We've been speaking between ourselves for the past five minutes. Since Ryuuko got thrown the first time, in fact."
"What? Why the hell didn't you tell me?"
"Well… I didn't want to also tell you we've both been fired."
"What? Why?"
"For taking, and I quote, 'the Lord's name in vain'."
"Jesus Christ."
"Exactly."
"Well… in that case… want to go on a date? I don't have anything better to do, apparently, and I'm kind of riled up now."
"You know what, Clara? Fuck it. It's enrichment, I guess. Meet me outside Le Train Bleu at seven."
"Okay. Good. Do you think Marinette and Ryuuko will be there?"
"Not if they know what's good for their wallets, they won't."
"True. I'm paying, by the way."
"No, me."
"No, me."
"No, m—"
~-recording end-~