Chapter Text
There had been a lingering unpleasant twist in his gut when Jin Ling realized he was now the same age his A-Die was when he died. He had spent that night holding onto Fairy who didn't fuss or whine when Jin Ling buried his face into her soft fur to help muffle his broken sobs.
It didn't feel real and for months he avoided looking at his parent's portraits, unable to stand the fact that he would continue to change as he got older while his A-Die would be stuck in time.
It made Jin Ling wonder if, at this age, his A-Die also had to deal with the elders still treating him like a child, or did Jin Zixuan being married with a son negate that?
Did he have similar worries about how to deal with a family who believed they could lead better?
Did he have the same hopes and fears?
Despite growing up in Carp Tower, surrounded by his A-Die’s family, Jin Ling knew more stories about his A-Niang.
Jin Ling remembered each time those rare moments happened, desperately trying to memorize each and every word as he sat quietly and listened. Those nights always felt surreal, his Jiujiu’s voice uncommonly soft and vulnerable, nearly drowned out by the sound of the insects around them and the water lapping at the pier. It didn’t take long for Jin Ling to realize Jiujiu would only talk about his A-Niang after he had too much wine.
Once, Jin Ling had asked Da-jiu about his A-Niang. It was awkward for both of them at first but slowly that had faded, and Jin Ling was treated to hours of stories about her. Most he already knew from Jiujiu, but a few were new, something to add to his little precious collection.
When he asked about his A-Die, Da-jiu had hesitated just for a moment before telling Jin Ling about how he had fumbled his betrothal and had nearly lost his chance. He had heard the rumors growing up, that they didn’t have a happy marriage. Even Jiujiu refused to really talk about it, only telling him about the lotus pond at Carp Tower and left it at that. To finally hear someone else tell that story with a sad but sweet laughter in their voice made Jin Ling have to hide a smile behind his cup of wine.
He had asked, nearly begging, Da-jiu to tell him stories about just his A-Die, anything that he might have known when they were young. His Da-jiu had sighed and looked away as he apologized, saying he didn’t really know him well enough to give Jin Ling the answers he wanted.
Jin Ling wished there was someone who held his A-Die’s memories in the same regard as his A-Niang. Someone who could take him aside, bring him to a spot in the gardens they knew his A-Die favored and tell him anything. It could be the most mundane things or silly stories of his childhood.
They could tell him how he reacted when he got Suihua. If he wrote with his left or right hand. How he walked and what his favorite books were.
But there was no one who could do this for him, anyone who knew his A-Die in the way Jin Ling needed was either dead or out of reach.
Physically, Jin Ling knew he resembled him. But did he inherit any of his A-Die’s mannerisms?
Jin Ling shared a lot of similarities with Jiujiu, but that was something he learned. He could vividly remember spending hours following Jiujiu around Lotus Pier trying to mimic the way he moved and talked to his disciples despite how much everyone in Carp Tower tried to stop it.
Would he have done the same with his A-Die? Would he have grown up trailing behind him instead?
Would his favorite food be the same as his A-Die's? His favorite tea?
Would he also die young?
Everyone seemed to think so if the rumors spreading around Carp Tower are to be believed.
He knows it was most likely Jin Chan that started it, a stupid comment that picked up like wild fire. Jin Ling swears even the assassination attempts seem to have increased.
Jin Ling also knows about the rumors going around that he's become paranoid to the point that he's afraid of his own shadow. He could only laugh when he overheard one of the servants talking about him seeing assassins in every corner; at least there's some truth to that one.
"You're a fucking cultivator!"
Fairy doesn't move from her spot near Jiang Cheng, nor does Jin Ling jump at the sound of Jiujiu slamming his palm down on his desk. But he does flinch, just a small enough twitch of his fingers to make an unsightly smudge of ink onto the letter he had been trying to work on. Jin Ling would be more upset, but it's a little hard to care when he knows deep down the person he is writing to wants him gone.
"I'm also a sect leader," Jin Ling says while gesturing at his desk with his free hand. Not that you could tell there was a desk there with the abhorrent amount of paperwork covering it. "Figured you of all people would know what that means."
"You're right, but what kind of sect leader doesn't go on a single damn night hunt for a year?"
Jin Ling leans back and sighs, almost too tired to fight. It had already been a shit day before Jiujiu decided to drop by unannounced. This was the third day in a row he found something toxic to dogs where Fairy likes to roam. You would think they'd know better, to try and trick a spiritual animal as intelligent as Fairy to eat something poisonous to her. His eyes don't flick to the untouched teapot, the one he should have filled when Jiujiu first stormed in, like he always used to.
"Did you just come here to lecture me?"
"A-Ling." The suddenly soft tone does make him fully flinch. "You need to leave Carp Tower."
"I don't need to do-"
"Bullshit!"
"I'm fine!"
The silence that settles over them makes Jin Ling want to scream but the look Jiujiu gives him has him lower his gaze to the now abandoned letter as his next words come out hesitant and quiet.
"I'm fine, I'm-why did you come? It's…"
It's not safe.
"This," Jin Ling doesn't even have enough time to look up when one of his letters suddenly gets flung into view. "Apparently your Lan friends won't shut up about you."
It takes a moment for Jin Ling to process Jiujiu's words as he stares down an opened letter from Sizhui. A letter he knows was sealed a moment ago. "You can't read my letters!"
"If I get bombarded with questions about you one more time I swear, I don't care how old you are, I will drag your ass to Gusu myself." Jiujiu says, blatantly ignoring Jin Ling's protest.
"I just saw them a few months ago!" Okay, more than just a few but still. He had been forced to go to a conference in Gusu despite trying everything in his power to stay in Carp Tower.
"Bull shit."
"I did!" he argues and judging by the look Jiang Cheng is shooting him, he knows that Jin Ling is lying.
Though he really isn't, not truly. Jin Ling had seen them, was able to have one meal with them but as soon as the conference was over, he had left. Which wasn't exactly polite; his council had lectured him about improving his manners. Jin Ling is still curious if the man that was the loudest about it was the one that had caused the paper he had stuck between his door to fall. Jin Ling had searched for hours for any signs of sabotage, but came up with nothing. That doesn't mean there wasn't an attempt, one to add to the never ending list.
Jiujiu doesn't know about that list, about how much Jin Ling still doesn't trust anyone around him in Carp Tower, but something tells Jin Ling he's already figured it out.
"You can't lock yourself up forever."
He knows that.
"You're going."
"To what."
"You've been invited to a night hunt, and you will go." He says while reaching over to tap at the letter.
"I can't!"
"You can and you-"
"No! I'm serious! I have a meeting I need to go to and-and there's some issues with one of the towers that I have to address soon and a trade deal that I need to complete before winter-"
"I'll do it."
"Wh-No! You can't, I can't let you do that!"
"For fuck sake, It'll be fine."
"How? I can't let another sect leader run mine. They'll hold that over me for months!"
"You're not letting another sect leader run your sect, you're letting your family assist you while you go out on a night hunt." Jin Ling can't help but laugh in disbelief.
"And what about my family here?" How many would try to kill Jin Ling after this?
Not just him.
"You're going."
Jin Ling hates that tone, it's one he can never argue against if he wants to win. The voice that has been yelling at him for a year now on what he needs to do to stay safe is screaming at him to stay, to keep his enemies where he can see them. But a small part of him is whispering that he should just give in, that Jiujiu is right. He should take that letter and go see Sizhui.
Because he misses it.
It was strange that out there, where he had to fight off horrifying creatures that wanted to kill him, felt safer than being stuck here with a different breed of horrifying that wanted him dead. At least out there he didn't have to make his own food. He could easily trust his friends to cook or eat at any restaurant.
Out there, the worst thing he could eat was his Da-jiu's cooking.
Jin Ling groans and rests his elbows on the desk as he digs the palm of his hands over his eyes. Jiujiu thankfully stays quiet, making the sound of Fairy's nails against the floor painfully loud as she moves to sit next to Jin Ling. He's tempted to leave Fairy here with Jiujiu, an extra barrier of protection, something to keep his mind calm. But then he'd have to tell Jiujiu about the stupid attempts to poison her.
Reaching out with one hand, Jin Ling runs his fingers though Fairy's coat as he drops his other to scan over the letter. He doesn't even have to read all of it to know that it looks like a ridiculous simple night hunt, one that Sizhui could do on his own.
There's no good reason why he should be asking for Jin Ling to join and it would be fine if he just rejects the offer.
It's not like it would be the first time.
Jin Ling really doesn't want to though. He truly misses it, misses not just the freedom or odd safety from night hunting, but also the thrill of it.
Misses the satisfaction of completing a mission with little to no issue, or the adrenaline rush of defeating something just strong enough to make his heart race.
He misses 'running into' Da-jiu and hearing stories from before the war, or listening to his odd theories and leaving Jin Ling to find new strange talismans in his bag afterwards.
He misses Zizhen reciting his favorite poems every time they settle down for the night. Misses sparing with Sizhui and making silly kites for them to shoot down. Misses making up stupid bets with Jingyi just to make a night hunt a little more interesting, the more ridiculous the better.
He misses making new memories with his friends and hates how his only involvement in their lives has been reduced to letters that half the time he couldn't find the energy or courage to replay.
He misses it and he really misses his friends.
This time the silence that settles over them is different but no less uncomfortable. He watches as Jiujiu blatantly looks over at the ornate tea set. It used to be one of his favorites and one that his A-Die had owned. Pure white porcelain with a golden peony painted at the bottom of each cup.
Behind it are porcelain jars meant to hold his own personal stash of teas. One gifted to him from someone he's finally able to call Da-jiu without feeling guilty, and one that he was told was his A-Niang's favorite. Another, that had quickly become his favorite, sent from Gusu with a letter telling Jin Ling of the tea's medical benefits after he had complained about getting headaches from all the stress. That letter is currently hidden in a compartment under his bed that only he knows about, kept safe along with all the others he's received from his friends over the years.
The tea set is clean but missing one cup, and the jars containing the tea have a fine layer of dust over them. If Jiujiu were to look in there, he'd only find cheap tea put there only to give the jars some weight.
Last time he left for a night hunt, Jin Ling had to throw out all of it after nearly-
Well, at least he was able to replace it all and it was all already packed away so that was one less thing to prepare.
Jin Ling hangs his head and sighs before digging into the qiankun bag he has started to always keep with him and brings out a vial. He stares at it for a moment; it looks simple, no fancy decorations or labels. Even the bottle looks cheaply made. Just how he had requested.
He hesitates for a moment before pushing it across the papers towards Jiujiu, who only gives it a quick glance before picking it up and glaring down at it.
"What is this?"
"Peace of mind."
The response earns him a quick unimpressed glaces before Jiujiu carefully uncorks the small vial and smells it. Jin Ling isn't sure Jiujiu would be aware of what it is, but the look he gives Jin Ling makes him think otherwise. It also makes him feel guilty for a reason he can't quite explain.
"Please?" Jin Ling says before Jiujiu can say anything, his hands clenches so tightly in his lap that they start to shake. He hates how small his voice sounds, as if he's back to being a teen and not a grown man in his twenties. "I won't go unless you keep that with you."
For a moment he thinks Jiujiu will argue more or ask questions he really doesn't want to answer. Luckily, he just signs and places the vial in his sleeve.
"Fine."
Jingyi likes sending Jin Ling long rambling letters, often jumping from one topic to another. They mostly consist of either amusing stories from a recent book he's read, of the strange talismans Da-jiu had tried out around the Cloud Recesses or about the children he had recently been put in charge of sword training.
Ouyang Zizhen letters are even longer. He loves to fill each page with as many flowery words as possible. He would often complain about his parents pushing him to marry despite Zizhen being against political arrangements, a topic Jin Ling doesn’t like to think about. At some point in the letter he’d find a way to put in a passage from a poem he thought Jin Ling would like.
Sizhui's letters never feel like he's rambling or are filled with poetry. They're often only a single page long telling him about any recent night hunts or knowledge he had found interesting. He always seems to find a way to slip in a joke that would throw Jin Ling off guard and have him grinning to the point his cheeks hurt. Without fail, Sizhui would always end his letters with him wishing Jin Ling well and hoping to hear from him at his earliest convenience.
This letter felt different. There was no dry humor or wit, just the minimum details of the night hunt. A rogue cultivator that Sizhui had been traveling with on and off over the past year had heard of something strange happening in a small village. About a month ago a fog had started to creep out of the forest on the edge of the village. It doesn't fade no matter the weather and many have said to hear strange sounds and even voices coming from it.
It was an extremely impersonal and straight forward letter that could have been written by anyone asking for assistance. This was normal whenever Sizhui asked one of them to join him on a night hunt. All of them have teased Sizhui before about writing to them the same way he would write a report for Hanguang-Jun. However, one thing was blatantly different about this letter compared to every single one he'd sent before.
I hope you are doing well and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Yours sincerely,
Lan Yuan courtesy name Sizhui
I miss you.
That very last part wasn't written in the same clean precise lines that hes used to seeing from Sizhui . Always so annoyingly perfect, as if he's transcribing some ancient important text for his sect's library and not a simple letter to a friend. It's his handwriting but Jin Ling swears he can see how Sizhui had hesitated on a few of the strokes, the embarrassment radiating off the radicals. It makes Jin Ling's chest feel pleasantly warm and his face uncomfortably hot with the realization that Jiujiu had no doubt read that part.
However, once the rush of his own embarrassment burns through him, Jin Ling’s gut sinks with guilt. It wasn't that rare for someone to say they missed him in their letters but this was the first time Sizhui had said it. Well, outright said it. Before he had danced around the topic, far too polite to outright bully Jin Ling to come visit like Jingyi or Zizhen has done numerous times over the past year.
It's funny, despite how many times everyone else had brought up not seeing him or complaining that whenever they try to come over Jin Ling is always too busy and on and on it's a simple 'I miss you' that makes him break.
His letter back isn't his finest, his wording a jumbled mess and his handwriting a little too sloppy for a sect leader. It hardly fills up half the page yet he still finds the need to use some of his best stationary and ink. If he had sent a letter with this quality to someone like Lan Qiren his council would have no doubt heard about it and cluck at him for hours on end. But for a friend he hopes it would be welcomed.
Sizhui,
I don’t see why you would need my help with this. Just get some of the younger disciples to do it, they could use the training.
But I suppose if you really need me I can come. I'll need to settle some things here first and I can't be gone for more than a week.
I'll meet you at the village in three days.
With best regards
Jin Ling
I miss you too