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Twilight’s Hyrule is gorgeous in a wild, untamed sort of way, which is Warriors’s polite way of saying damp. Damp air, damp leaves, damp hair. Everything is damp. Warriors pushes aside a low branch and forces a smile as it flicks water into his face. Perfect. Just perfect. Humidity and frizz: his greatest foes. He glances back at the others trailing behind him on the narrow forest path. Time marches with purpose, unbothered. Sky’s breathing is soft and controlled, though Warriors can hear the subtle strain in it. Wild is picking mushrooms he absolutely shouldn’t be touching. Legend is muttering something about mold. An ordinary scouting mission. No monsters. No traps. Minimal chaos. For once. Check the new river bend. Mark safe terrain. Report back.
Time insisted on going. Legend tagged along out of spite. Sky came because he always volunteers for the quiet jobs. Wild came because no one said he couldn’t.
The rest of the Chain stayed behind at camp. Four had snapped his ankle in an ill-advised leap the day before, he said he had it under control; the ankle disagreed, and Hyrule had taken a nasty hit to the ribs. Wind stayed to help them rest. Twilight, Time, Warriors, Sky, Wild, and Legend were the best equipped to deal with any trouble along the way… in theory.
They’re picking their way around a fallen tree when Twilight suddenly slows.
“You all feel that?” he murmurs.
Warriors lifts an eyebrow. “Should I be worried or pretending to be worried?”
Twilight doesn’t answer. He gestures ahead.
And tucked between the trees, barely visible through hanging moss, is a structure that absolutely shouldn’t exist.
A squat domed building, half-buried, edges smooth and carved.
Geometric markings, faint blue glow.
Familiar in the wrong way.
Sky steps closer, eyes soft. “Oh… Wild, doesn’t it look like…?”
“Yup!” Wild breathes. “Like a shrine. Almost.”
Legend groans. “Oh great. Discount shrine. Just what we needed.”
Twilight exhales. “That wasn’t here.”
Sky tilts his head. “Is anything ever here until we see it?”
Legend folds his arms. “Don’t start with your philosophy. I’m too sober for that.”
Wild steps forward immediately, eyes bright. “Ooh. I love when inexplicable things appear.”
Warriors frowns. “Why is it here? Twilight?”
The rancher shakes his head. “Not a clue. Ain’t Sheikah. Ain’t anything I’ve seen. But it… feels old.”
Time walks a slow circle around it, fingers brushing the carved patterns. “Let’s not linger too long. We’ll mark it on the map, but-”
Wild touches the glowing panel.
Warriors lunges. “NO!”
Too late. A cold ripple passes over the ground, raising goosebumps along Warriors’s arms. Sky flinches. Legend swears quietly. Twilight’s shoulders tense as his hand lands on the hilt of his sword. But the glow fades almost instantly. Nothing happens.
Warriors exhales slowly. “Okay. Good. Great. Let’s never touch it again.”
Wild beams. “See? Totally harmless.”
Warriors drags a hand down his face. “That is never true when you say it.”
“Come on.” Twilight sighs. “The river’s not far.”
Time nods. “Let’s finish and get back. Four will get restless if we’re late.”
And that’s it.
They walk away from the strange shrine without so much as a second glance.
Sky tells Twilight that the trees here remind him of Faron in his era.
Legend interrupts to say everything reminds Sky of something in his era.
Wild finds a beetle and names it Beetle, Legend has a few scathing comments about originality, all is normal. Time listens with patient silence. Warriors argues with a bramble bush that tried to grab his scarf. It’s peaceful. Stupid, noisy, peaceful. They’re almost done with their route when they come across it…the merchant stall. Brightly coloured canopy. Glass bottles. Fresh fruit. Baskets of herbs. A small horse dozing by the hitch post.
And behind the counter: a woman. Mid-thirties. Dark red braids. Sharp eyes. An expression that could probably cut someone in half.
Warriors straightens his tunic, smooths his hair, and summons the impeccable Captain’s Smile, the one that has talked soldiers out of mutiny and nobles out of taxing his men.
Twilight warns, “We don’t need anything. Let’s just pass by.”
Wild’s already wandering toward the wagon.
Twilight sighs the sigh of a man accustomed to this.
The woman calls out. “Travellers! Passing through? I’ve got potions, elixirs, rations! Come have a look!”
Sky brightens. “Oh! Maybe-!”
Legend pulls him by the collar. “Absolutely not, you buy Sun enough trinkets.”
But Warriors? Warriors lights up. Warriors sees an opportunity. What’s a short detour for supplies? And a little discount? Never hurt anyone.
“Oh good.” he murmurs. “Supplies. Maybe she has better healing salve for Four.”
Legend elbows him. “Don’t embarrass us.”
“I never embarrass us.”
Sky shuffles. “Well…”
“I NEVER embarrass us.” Warriors insists indignantly.
Time sighed “We only need a few things. Don’t linger.”
Warriors flashes the Captain’s Smile™, squares his shoulders, and steps forward with easy grace. This is routine. He’s good at this. A charming greeting, a little warmth, a compliment, and maybe she’ll offer a small discount if she’s feeling generous.
He opens his mouth.
He steps forward, radiating charm.
“Afternoon, miss,” he says warmly.
Or tries to.
Because what comes out of his mouth is not that. “What an incredibly repugnant woman! But if I flirt perhaps she'll discount that red potion by a few rupees..”
Silence.
Absolute, catastrophic silence.
Time stops walking.
Sky’s jaw drops so fast it might’ve hit the floor.
Legend chokes on his own spit.
Wild makes a sound like a dying accordion.
Twilight turns slowly, very slowly, to look at Warriors.
And the merchant… The merchant looks like she’s about to either cry, kill him, or both.
Warriors feels his soul leave his body. THAT. IS. NOT. WHAT. HE MEANT.
He slaps both hands over his mouth instantly. “I-I didn’t- I didn’t mean- that’s NOT- I didn’t SAY- I mean I DID say it, but I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY IT-!”
He is dying.
He is actively dying.
Legend wheezes, “Oh Hylia above!”
Sky is mortified on his behalf. Sky steps forward. “Ma’am, I’m so sorry, he… uh… suffers from… selective vocal… whatever that was?”
Legend gapes at him. “That’s not a thing!”
Sky’s smile is strained. “It is now.”
Wild whispers, awe-struck, “Captain what the HELL-”
The merchant’s face hardens into something sharp and righteous. “Oh.” she says, voice icy. “Is that so?”
Warriors tries to talk.
He really does.
He wants to say: I’m sorry, that wasn’t what I meant, that wasn’t even close.
But what comes out instead is again, not that. “Please, I swear I think you’re a very handsome woman? Angular? Something… oh Hylia why am I still talking!”
He wants to fling himself into the nearest river.
The merchant slowly reaches under her table.
Time steps forward quickly.
Twilight too.
Legend grabs Warriors by the shoulders and HURLS him backward.
Wild yells, “RETREAT! RETREAT!”
Sky lingers, mortified, utterly mortified. “I’m so sorry miss! I hope you… ah-have a wonderful day!”
They sprint.
They do not look back.
They crash through the underbrush like panicked cuccos.
Time drags Warriors by the arm as they run.
They stop running only when Twilight is certain the merchant isn’t following them with a frying pan. When they finally stop several hundred yards away, panting, bent over, braced on knees… Warriors is curled in a ball.
Legend wheezes laughter. “WHAT was THAT Captain WHAT was THAT!”
Sky pats his back. “It’s okay. We all say… things we regret.”
Wild laughs loudly “Not like THAT we don’t!”
Time crosses his arms. “Explain.”
Warriors looks up at them with the hollow eyes of a broken man.
“I didn’t mean to say any of that.” he whispers.
Legend snorts. “You said it pretty clearly.”
“No!” Warriors protests frantically. “I said… no I thought… but my mouth-! My mouth said the thought…not the thing I actually meant-!”
Time’s eyes narrow sharply. The others freeze.
Sky whispers, “Oh no.”
But none of them understand yet. Not fully. And not nearly enough.
Because Warriors, stricken with dread, opens his mouth to say, “We need to figure out what’s wrong.” But instead he blurts: “If that happens again I’m throwing myself into the nearest ravine.”
Legend falls over laughing. Wild screams. Sky looks like he’s going to faint. Twilight stares at Warriors like he’s trying to solve a murder.
And Time… Time goes very, very still.
Warriors opens his mouth.
He wants to say, “I have no idea what came over me.” But what he says is, “I think my mouth just committed career suicide.” He slaps both hands over his face.
Warriors tries to steady his breathing.
He does NOT succeed.
He can feel the others staring at him like he’s a bomb, or a cucco primed to detonate feathers everywhere.
Twilight is the first to speak. “Captain…” Twilight says carefully, tone neutral in the way a man speaks to someone holding a lit fuse. “Tell us what happened.”
Warriors opens his mouth to explain calmly. What he wants to say is “I don’t know. That wasn’t me. I didn’t mean any of it.”
What comes out is: “I’m terrified and humiliated and I would like to walk into the ocean.”
Sky gasps and covers his mouth like a little bird startled by thunder.
Legend bursts into fresh, violent laughter. “OH-oh Hylia-he’s still doing it-!”
Wild flops onto the ground, kicking his heels. “This is the greatest day of my life.”
Time steps closer, expression serious. “Captain. Think. Did something happen before this started?”
Warriors swallows.
What he means to answer is that No. Nothing. Everything was normal until the merchant.
This is not what comes out of of his mouth.
“Well Wild touched a glowing panel in a sketchy shrine and we didn’t say anything about it because we’re stupid.”
Wild sits straight up. “HEY!”
Legend doubles over, wheezing, “He’s right though, he’s SO right!”
Twilight’s eyes widen. “The shrine? You think it did something to you?”
Warriors tries to reply “Possibly.” But instead: “It absolutely cursed me and I hate all of you for letting Wild touch it.”
Time’s mouth twitches. “That’s… fair.”
Twilight crosses his arms. “We still don’t know exactly what it did.”
“Maybe you’re just flustered.” Legend supplies, smirking. “Lost your charm? Got nervous? Forgot how to flirt?”
Warriors narrows his eyes at him.
“I’m perfectly capable of flirting properly,” he begins. And then involuntarily blurts, “Except apparently not under pressure or humidity or when a woman with a terrifying build, seriously more muscle than Twi, is staring at me.”
Legend loses it AGAIN.
Sky pats Warriors’s shoulder sympathetically. “It’s okay. Everyone… freezes sometimes.”
Warriors tries to thank him. And then Warriors’s mouth betrays him again.
“I’m going to strangle all of you.” What he meant was, “We should figure out how far this curse reaches.”
Sky flushes. “Oh. Uhm. Please uh… don’t?”
Warriors whimpers miserably. “I’m sorry.”
Time clears his throat. “We need to know if it’s targeting only the Captain or if this is about to become a problem.”
Twilight lifts a hand. “Hold up. Let’s not jump to-”
He stops.
He blinks.
He tries to continue speaking, “Jump to conclusions.”
He really does. But what comes out is, “Jump to conclusions but because Wild has no impulse control I don’t really think anything good will come of this.”
Everyone freezes. Warriors turns. Slowly.
Twilight stares at the air in front of him, horrified.
“…That wasn’t what I meant to say,” Twilight mutters. Then blurts, “I’m panicking internally and I don’t want anyone to know.”
Legend’s wheezing intensifies. Wild claps like a delighted child. Sky clutches his face.
Time’s expression goes sharp. “Twilight.” Time says gently. “Say something else.”
Silence.
Time steps closer, more insistent. “Twilight, say something else.”
Twilight violently shakes his head.
“Twilight.” Time says, firmer.
Twilight tries.
“I want to hide under a log and wait for death.”
He visibly dies inside.
Sky makes a tiny sympathetic noise.
Twilight tries again.
“I’m fine,” is what he intends to say. What he blurts is: “I’m absolutely not fine please do not look at me.”
Warriors stares at him with the cold solidarity of two men drowning in the same river.
“…welcome to the club,” Warriors says weakly.
Twilight groans into his hands.
Legend wipes tears from his eyes. “Oh this is better than theatre!”
“Legend.” Time warns.
But Warriors can’t even muster the dignity to glare. His pride has died a violent, public death.
“What?” Legend shrugs. “I’m not cursed.”
He is almost certainly cursed.
Sky hesitates. Then quietly says “Maybe… maybe it’s just strong emotion? Twilight was startled. Warriors was… well… Warriors.”
Warriors gives him a wounded look.
Sky continues, “Maybe it’s triggered by-”
He freezes.
His eyes widen.
Sky tries desperately to say something neutral like:
It’s triggered by stress,
or
It’s probably temporary.
But he opens his mouth and what spills out is “…I’m too tired for this but I love all of you too much to let you die from self imposed stupidity.”
Everyone goes still.
Sky’s face flushes pink. He covers his mouth with both hands.
Legend actually drops to his knees laughing.
Wild flops backward into the leaves.
Twilight goes red.
Time whispers. “Sky? No. No not you.”
Sky looks like he wants to ascend onto another plane of existence.
He claps both hands over his mouth, squeaks, and folds in half.
Sky stands there with both hands over his mouth, wide-eyed, looking like he’s just witnessed someone else say those words for him.
Twilight places a steadying hand on his shoulder.
“Sky.” he says gently, “Try again.”
Sky shakes his head so fast his bangs fly. He looks like a terrified remlit about to bolt.
Time sighs. “It might help us understand the pattern.”
Sky swallows, then slowly drops his hands.
“Okay.” he whispers. “I’ll try.”
Warriors braces. Sky opens his mouth.
He clearly intends to say something like I’m fine or maybe This is unfortunate. Something timid. Something gentle.
But what comes out is NOT that.
“I swear, if I hear Legend laugh at me one more time I will personally throw him into the next ravine.”
Everyone stops breathing.
Legend freezes mid-cackle.
Warriors thinks the sun itself just paused in the sky.
Sky blinks.
Legend whispers, awed:
“…Holy shit.”
Sky goes beet-red and slaps both hands over his mouth again.
“No! No! No! I didn’t!! I’m SORRY!!”
Legend steps closer, eyes wide and sparkling.
“Sky.”
He places both hands reverently on Sky’s shoulders.
“That was the BEST threat I’ve ever heard from you.”
Sky looks like he’s about to die. “I didn’t mean it! I swear! I would never throw anyone into a ravine!!”
His mouth betrays him again: “Unless they deserved it.”
Legend wheezes. Wild drops to the forest floor laughing. Twilight sputters. Time’s mouth twitches, dangerously close to a smile.
Warriors stares at Sky, stunned. “Sky,” he says, “that was… vivid.”
Sky squeaks in horror and curls in on himself. “I’m not violent, I promise, I’m not, I’m… Hylia take me. I’m so sorry!!”
Legend wipes a tear. “Don’t you DARE apologise. That was art. That was poetry. That was character development.”
“I DON’T WANT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!” Sky blurts, voice cracking. “I WANT TO BE NICE.”
Twilight gives him a sympathetic pat. “Buddy… it’s okay. This is just the curse talking.”
Sky whimpers, “It’s not just the curse I have wanted to throw him at least a little bit since he first opened his mouth-”
Legend’s jaw drops. Warriors nearly chokes.
Time turns away, shoulders shaking in silent laughter.
Sky freezes, turning the colour of a cooked beet.
“Oh no. Oh NO. I said that. I SAID THAT!”
Legend points at him, delighted. “I always knew you had it in you.”
Sky backs up, panicking. “I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING IN ME, PLEASE STOP!!”
Wild pats Sky soothingly on the shoulder. “Hey. It’s okay. You only threatened to ravine-murder him a little.”
Sky wails into his hands.
Legend beams. “I’ve never been prouder.”
Warriors sinks down onto a fallen log, head in hands.
“This.” he mutters, “Is a nightmare.”
His mouth betrays him immediately: “But Sky threatening violence was kind of impressive.”
Sky screams. Legend cheers. Wild claps. Time rubs his temples.
Twilight inhales sharply as if preparing a scolding.
Which he does. And blurts: “Honestly yeah I kind of liked it too… Wait… Hylia damn it.”
Sky wails louder. Legend ascends to heaven. Warriors stares. Time stares.
Warriors pinches the bridge of his nose and groans.
“Okay. So it’s hit Sky. That makes three of us.”
Twilight exhales through his teeth. “Great. Wonderful. Perfect.”
Warriors stares at the trio of disaster, himself, Twilight, Sky, and realises with bone-deep dread. It’s spreading. Slowly. One by one. Picking them off like emotional landmines.
Legend wheezes. “This-this is AMAZING!”
Time sighs deeply. “It’s spreading.”
“I don’t feel anything weird.” Legend says.
Warriors snorts. “Good for-” He tries to say good for you, just that. But out comes: “Good for you, you emotionally constipated little gremlin-”
Legend’s jaw drops. “Well I can’t just let that slide-“ and launches himself at Warriors, who yelps and ducks behind Time.
Time catches Legend by the collar like a misbehaving cucco. “We will remain calm.”
Legend kicks the air. “Let me at him!”
Warriors peeks out from behind Time, horrified. “I swear I didn’t mean to say-”
His voice turns traitor again: “Well I did think it but I wasn’t going to tell you—”
Legend screams louder.
Twilight finally snaps, “ENOUGH!” Then he sighs in resignation as he word vomits. “I am one poorly timed sentence away from crying.”
Sky’s hand flies to his chest in sympathy. “Oh, Twi…”
Twilight sinks onto the ground, covers his head, and groans. “This is the worst possible thing to ever happen to anyone.”
Warriors, exhausted, pats his back. He lets out a long, defeated exhale and pats Twilight between the shoulder blades the way one might comfort a trembling puppy.
“It isn’t so bad.” he says softly, meaning It’ll be alright.
But his mouth… his cursed, traitorous, backstabbing mouth… says something else entirely:
“Plus it isn’t as bad as the time I tried to impress a princess by doing a backflip and split my pants open in front of her entire court.”
Sky chokes. Legend goes silent. Wild drops onto his back like he’s been shot.
Twilight turns his face away, shoulders shaking violently as he tries not to laugh.
Time very slowly covers his mouth with his hand.
Warriors’s soul leaves his body.
He slaps both hands over his face.
“NO, NO, NO, NO! I’VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT!”
Legend finally finds his voice. “Oh, beautiful.”
He wipes a tear. “Captain. CAPTAIN. Pants-split? In front of royalty?”
Wild wheezes. “Did she scream? Did she faint?”
Warriors tries to hide behind a tree root. It doesn’t work. “I- I-it was YEARS ago! I was TWELVE! I PANICKED!”
But the curse isn’t done with him. He tries to say nothing. But instead he blurts: “It echoed.”
Legend immediately collapses in hysterics.
Sky looks up from his hands, eyes wide. “Echoed?!”
Twilight is crying now. There is no dignity left for anyone.
Time clears his throat, looking two seconds away from dropping to his knees with laughter. “Captain.” he manages, voice warbling, “What… exactly… echoed?”
Warriors curls into a tighter ball. He tries, desperately, to shut up. But the truth rips itself out: “Everything.”
Legend stops laughing. He screams. Wild rolls down a small incline because he’s laughing too hard to breathe. Sky is horrified and sympathetic at the same time. Twilight sits down heavily on a tree stump, hands clasped over his mouth.
Time pats Warriors on the shoulder, voice shaking. “…I’m so sorry.”
Warriors is beyond speech. Beyond shame. Beyond living. He just groans into the moss, wishing the earth would swallow him whole.
And Sky, trembling with secondhand embarrassment, whispers “…this curse is evil.”
Warriors doesn’t lift his head. He just mutters into the dirt “You have no idea.”
They reach the edge of camp. Just the edge. Close enough to see the fire pit and Hyrule’s cloak hanging up to dry… but far enough that the others won’t overhear them.
Yet.
Warriors plants both feet in the dirt and refuses to take another step.
“No.” he says. A firm military order. Then, with the curse’s help, he adds: “I’m not going in there. I can’t face them like this. I’ll die.”
Twilight crosses his arms tightly, turned away from camp. “I’m not goin’ in neither.” he mutters. Then blurts: “I will climb a tree and live there before I walk in and tell Four I cried in a forest.”
Sky clings to a sapling like it’s a divine protector. “I can’t!” he pleads. “I can’t go in there like this!”
Time stops walking. Fully. Slowly turns around. “Everyone, you’ll be just fine.” His voice is very gentle.
Sky curls into himself, squeaking.
Warriors points an accusatory finger at Time and Legend. “You two are going in first.”
Legend raises an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” Warriors snaps. “You’re not cursed. You’re safe.”
His mouth betrays him: “You’re smug little freaks who enjoy watching us suffer so YOU get to entertain Wind on his sugar rush.”
Legend puts a hand to his chest, impressed. “Captain. I’m touched.”
Time exhales slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “We can’t avoid camp forever.”
Twilight gestures frantically to the clearing. “We CAN. And we WILL.”
Sky nods with rapid, birdlike intensity. “Time, please, I’m begging you.”
Warriors grabs Time’s sleeve. “Don’t make me walk in there and tell Four the greatest humiliation of my adolescence echoed.”
Legend snorts. “Echoed.”
Twilight smacks him.
Sky is practically vibrating. “We just need… we just need a plan.”
“Maybe we hide until it wears off?” Warriors offers. “Or we find a cave. Or we fake our deaths”
Legend rolls his eyes. “You are all cowards.”
Warriors opens his mouth to retort, and notices Wild looks… off.
It begins with a twitch. Just a little one, at the corner of Wild’s eye.
Then he inhales sharply.
Twilight immediately steps back. “Oh no.”
Sky whispers. “It’s happening.”
Warriors’s blood turns to ice.
Wild blinks a few times… opens his mouth…
And the floodgates open.
“I’m fine,” Wild says.
Then: “I’m not fine, I haven’t been fine since I was blown up and I haven’t been fine since I woke up a hundred years late in the middle of a swamp.”
Everyone stares. Wild takes another breath. “Also I ate a rock once because I wanted to see if it tasted like the ore deposits and it didn’t and I chipped a tooth and lied about it.”
Legend claps a hand over his mouth. Sky makes a tiny horrified squeak. Twilight mutters, “Oh gods.”
But Wild isn’t done. Not even close. “I’m scared to go back to camp because last time I tried cooking for Four he told me it tasted like despair and I pretended it didn’t hurt my feelings but it DID.”
Warriors blinks.Time looks alarmed.
And Wild keeps going, voice rising: “Also I touched the shrine because I wanted to impress you and also because it was shiny and I have impulse control problems!”
Sky covers his face. Twilight takes a slow step back.
“AND I HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE BUT I THINK WOLFIE LIKES WHEN I SCRATCH BEHIND HIS EARS AND I THINK THAT’S WEIRD BUT ALSO NOT WEIRD BUT ALSO EXTREMELY WEIRD BECAUSE IM ESSENTIALLY PETTING MY BROTHER-”
Warriors whispers, “Oh no. He’s spiralling.”
Wild throws both arms in the air. “AND I DIDN’T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING BUT I THINK TIME AND LEGEND ARE THE SCARIEST ONES OUT OF ALL OF US AND I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I THINK IT’S THE EYES.”
Legend sputters. “The… the EYES?!”
Time tilts his head. “Or eye singular in my case I suppose.”
Wild does not stop. “AND I AM SO SICK OF PRETENDING I’M FINE WITH SWIMMING, I’M NOT, I HATE WATER, I’M A SINKER, A PROFESSIONAL, CHAMPIONSHIP-LEVEL SINKER-”
Twilight whispers reverently, “He’s still going…”
Wild gasps for breath and shouts one last, horrifying confession. “AND I ONCE ATE A BUG ON PURPOSE SO FLORA WOULD THINK I WAS COOL BUT IT DID NOT TASTE GOOD AND I THREW UP ON HER SHOES.”
Silence. Deep, final, horrifying silence.
Everyone stares at Wild. Wild stares back, trembling.
“…I didn’t mean to say ANY OF THAT.” he whispers, voice cracking.
And then he blurts: “OH GOD I SAID ALL OF IT.”
Warriors rubs both hands down his face.
Sky makes a quiet “ohhhh nooo.”
Twilight looks like he needs to lie down.
Legend pats Wild on the head like he’s petting a rabid cucco. “That…” Legend murmurs, “…was glorious.”
Time inhales slowly, the only one managing any composure at all. “Alright.” he says. “All of us who are cursed. That’s Warriors. Twilight. Sky. Wild.”
He pauses. Legend smirks.
Time adds, grim. “…and Legend. Sooner or later.”
Legend’s smile dies.
Warriors pats his shoulder. “There, there,” he says. Then blurts: “I can’t wait.”
Legend SWINGS at him. Warriors shrieks. Sky wails. Twilight sighs. Wild sobs into his hands. And together, they stand at the edge of camp… all equally doomed.
Legend is standing with his arms crossed, chin lifted, doing his absolute best impression of “unbothered.”
It is failing. Hard.
Wild is still recovering from his emotional explosion, Twilight is staring into the middle distance like he’s awaiting divine judgment, Sky is quietly hyperventilating, and Warriors is peeling bark off a tree in silent despair.
Legend clears his throat. “Well,” he says crisply, “some of us still have dignity.”
Warriors looks up at him. “Really.”
Legend smirks. “Obviously. Unlike the rest of you, I am perfectly capable of keeping a thought inside my-”
He stops.
His jaw seizes up.
His eyes widen a fraction.
Twilight whispers, “It’s happening.”
Sky shakes his head violently. “Not Legend. Not yet. I’m not ready.”
Legend tries to talk again, clearing his throat.
“I said, I’m perfectly-”
And the first crack appears. “…I’M PERFECTLY TERRIFIED.”
The words burst out of him like a popped cork. Legend slaps a hand over his own mouth.
Warriors staggers. Sky gasps. Twilight mutters a prayer. Time simply nods, resigned.
Legend shoves his fingers in his mouth. Under no circumstances will he talk. “Mmf. Nn-No. No no no!”
He tries to swallow it down. He tries to turn away. He tries to glare the curse into submission. All of it fails.
Legend’s hand drops helplessly from his mouth. And the eruption begins.
“I REFUSE TO GO BACK INTO CAMP.”
His voice jumps an octave.
“FOUR WILL NEVER LET ME LIVE ANYTHING DOWN AND NEITHER WILL WIND AND I DON’T DESERVE THIS.”
Sky claps both hands over his ears, bracing himself.
Twilight whispers, “Brace for impact.”
Warriors… Warriors holds his breath.
Legend’s face scrunches painfully, like he knows what’s coming but can’t stop it.
“I’m not going back.” he snarls.
Then blurts: “I CAN’T LET ANYONE KNOW ABOUT THE BUNNY INCIDENT.”
Silence. Every head snaps toward him.
Time blinks. “…the what.”
Legend freezes like a cornered animal.
“Nope.” Warriors whispers. “No no no, Legend, what bunny incident?”
Legend’s entire soul tries to escape his body.
He turns slowly. Horrified. Begging. Cursed.
“I’m not…” he croaks, “…talking about it.”
He opens his mouth to say nothing more. But the curse denies him mercy. “I GOT TURNED INTO A TINY PINK FLUFFY BUNNY.”
Warriors drops to his knees. Not from pain. Not from fear. From laughter. Violent, uncontrollable, heaving laughter.
“Oh, OH, oh no!” Warriors wheezes, slapping the ground.
“LEGEND!”
He starts choking.
“PINK?”
He can’t breathe.
“FLUFFY?”
He wheezes harder.
“BUNNY?!”
Sky is making distressed little squeaks. “Legend, Legend I’m so sorry, you were incredibly adorable.”
Twilight has turned away entirely, shoulders shaking. “You were in fairness.”
Warriors had a look of total betrayal. “You both knew! And didn’t tell me?”
Wild is screaming into the dirt.
Time covers his mouth, eye watering.
Legend looks like he might spontaneously combust.
“STOP LAUGHING.” he snarls.
Warriors tries to obey. He really does. He tries to say, “Okay, okay, I’m done.” But instead: “DID YOU HAVE LITTLE FLOPPY EARS!?”
Legend lunges at him with a war cry. Warriors shrieks and scrambles backward through the moss. Sky grabs Legend around the waist. Twilight grabs Warriors by the scarf. Wild is rolling helplessly down a slight incline. And Legend, thrashing like a furious cat, yells: “I WAS SO SMALL I COULD FIT INSIDE A TEAPOT!”
Warriors SCREAMS laughing.
Sky drops Legend from shock.
Twilight facepalms at terminal velocity.
Time actually doubles over.
Legend collapses onto his knees, hands in his hair, cursing every deity known to man. “I hate all of you.” he rasps.
Then blurts: “ESPECIALLY WARRIORS, HIS FACE MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE. AND HIS HAIR. HIS STUPID, STUPID HAIR.”
Warriors clutches his chest “My face?!”
Then blurts: “You were probably an adorable bunny.”
Legend shrieks so loudly birds take flight.
Sky covers his face.
Wild is dying.
Twilight sits down in defeat.
Time wipes tears from his eyes.
And Warriors realises: They cannot hide this.
They cannot hide any of this.
The cursed truths are only going to get worse.
Legend trembles, pointing at Warriors.
“We are not going in there.” he says.
His mouth adds: “I will personally drag you all into the woods before I let Four find out.”
Warriors nods fiercely.
“For once, I agree with him.”
His mouth adds: “But we’re doomed anyway because Wild will absolutely blurt everything within ten seconds of seeing Hyrule.”
Wild pops his head up from the dirt. “I will absolutely do that.”
Sky whimpers.
Twilight buries his face in his hands.
Time sighs into his palms.
And Warriors realises they are truly, fully trapped, outside camp, cursed, humiliated… and nowhere near done falling apart.
The group has fallen apart.
Sky is trembling, Twilight is hiding behind a tree, Wild is face-down in moss, and Legend is still muttering about the “Bunny Incident” like it personally rewrote his destiny.
Warriors is exhausted.
And in the middle of this emotional catastrophe stands Time.
Straight-backed.
Serene.
Expression unreadable.
Like the apocalypse itself wouldn’t dare inconvenience him.
Warriors clings to that.
If anyone can stay normal, it’s Time.
Their resident unshakeable rock.
Their dad in everything but paperwork.
“We should not panic.” Time says calmly. “We simply require a strategy.”
Twilight nods frantically. “Yes, yes, please, guide us, dad, I mean Time!”
Time ignores that. He folds his arms. “We need to rule out variables. Warriors bursts from embarrassment. Legend from agitation. Twilight from emotional pressure. Wild from…” He gestures vaguely at Wild. “…existing.”
Wild gives a weak thumbs-up.
Time continues, completely composed, “I have not shown any symptoms. Therefore, I should be the one to speak if we encounter anyone at camp.”
Everyone visibly sags in relief.
Twilight nods. “Yeah. That’s good sense.”
Sky sighs “Thank Hylia.”
Legend Legends. “Please. Please let someone be normal.”
Warriors exhales shakily. “Time… you are a blessing.”
Time nods. Then he pauses. Just a small, quiet pause. Warriors freezes. Legend freezes. Everyone freezes.
“…Time?” Warriors asks.
Time narrows his eyes slightly, as if feeling an intrusive thought tap politely on his mental door. “Everything is fine,” he says calmly. “In my youth I buried a jar of keaton tails behind the great deku tree and hoped no one would find it.”
Everyone stares. Time’s face doesn’t even change.
Sky whispers, horrified. “You… what.”
Time blinks once.
Twilight’s jaw drops. “TIME. WHY WOULD YOU…”
Time continues, voice as calm as a man discussing the weather, “I performed a small ritual when I was twelve. It seemed necessary at the time.”
Legend drops to a crouch. “A ritual? With tails?!”
Time answers, still infuriatingly serene, “Yes.”
Warriors wheezes. “WHY?!”
Time opens his mouth, he says, very matter-of-fact, “I wanted better luck fishing.”
Sky chokes on his own breath. Wild rolls over screaming silently. Twilight puts both hands over his head.
Legend whispers, “Oh, that’s worse. That’s so much worse.”
Time clears his throat politely. “Moving on.”
No one moves on.
Warriors steps forward cautiously, like Time is a bomb. “Time… buddy… what else have you done?”
Time tilts his head, thinking. “I once ate an entire Deku nut because I was dared and my tongue went numb for eight hours. One. Go.”
Twilight’s jaw hits the ground. Legend claps a hand over his mouth. Sky is FULLY curled up again. Wild is kicking his legs like a dying beetle.
Time remains still as a statue.
“Again.” he says patiently, “Not important.”
Warriors stares. “TIME. That’s VERY important.”
Time lifts a hand. “I assure you I remain fully capable of leading us, one time I also threatened a dragon with a soup ladle.”
Legend SCREAMS. Warriors drops to his knees. Twilight walks away into the woods. Sky topples sideways like a fainting goat. Wild is on his back making seal noises.
Time folds his hands neatly behind his back.
Warriors looks up at him, shaking. “Time… what in the name of the Goddesses have you been DOING your entire life?!”
Time gives the most Time answer imaginable. “That is need-to-know information.” He pauses. “And most of it would give you nightmares.”
Legend flails. Sky whimpers. Twilight is sobbing into a tree. Wild looks delighted.
And for the first time in… ever… Warriors genuinely fears their leader.
Time takes a slow breath. “We should return to camp.”
All four cursed heroes shriek “NO!”
Legend louder than anyone. Time nods thoughtfully. “Very well. I am open to discussion.” He smiles wryly. “But the next person who whines will be put in the Deku nut jar.”
Wild’s eyes widen. “The what? No, no what is that.”
Legend whimpers in abject terror. “He’s joking, right?”
They are hiding.
All six of them . Warriors, Twilight, Sky, Wild, Legend, and Time, crouched behind a fallen log like fugitives avoiding tax collectors.
Sky’s rocking. Legend’s muttering. Wild’s chewing grass. Twilight looks like a man enduring his own funeral. Warriors is staring at the sky, begging any goddess listening to smite him quickly.
Time, on the other hand, has the audacity to remain perfectly composed. He looks like he’s waiting for afternoon tea, not supervising a meltdown.
No one speaks. No one breathes too loudly. They cannot handle another truth-eruption.
And that is precisely when the universe punishes them.
A voice rings out, “Hey! There you are!”
Warriors goes rigid. They all turn. Standing just beyond the brush…
Hyrule, Four, and Wind.
Fresh-faced.
Concerned.
Un-cursed.
Doomed.
Hyrule steps forward.
“You guys okay? You disappeared. We’ve been-”
Legend springs up like a cat doused in water.
“STAY. BACK.”
His mouth, cursed: “I CAN’T BE SEEN LIKE THIS.”
Hyrule blinks. “Like… what?”
Legend slaps a hand over his own mouth and backs into a tree.
Sky curls into a ball. Twilight hides his face. Wild starts sweating. Warriors stops breathing.
Wind waves cheerfully. “Why are you all crouching in the dirt? Are we doing a stealth thing?”
Warriors tries… tries… to respond with something normal.
Something sane.
“Wind,” he begins carefully,
“We… are…” His mouth leaps into the abyss: “…about two sentences away from emotional implosion, PLEASE LEAVE.”
Wind freezes.
Four raises an eyebrow.
“…Explain?” he asks.
Sky squeaks, “No explanation!”
His mouth: “IF WE SPEAK WE ARE GOING TO SAY THINGS NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR. I HAVE HELD BACK BEING SAPPY ABOUT SUN BUT I AM REACHING MY HYLIA DAMNED LIMIT AND THE FLOODGATES ARE GOING TO BURST.”
Hyrule startles. “Things?! What things?!”
Sky rolls himself further into a ball, like a dying potato.
Twilight tries to step in.
“I think what Sky means is…” His mouth betrays him: “I am so so so sad about a weird situationship from multiple years ago and sometimes I still cry myself to sleep over it.”
Wind stares. “…Are you okay?”
Twilight’s face collapses into his hands.
Legend claws at his hair.
“Oh for the love of… do NOT pull me into this…” His mouth detonates: “AT LEAST YOUR SITUATIONSHIP WASN’T IN A DREAM”
Four inhales sharply. “…What?”
Legend screams. “Nope! No. We are NOT elaborating!”
Four is struck speechless.
Wind’s face lights up like it’s his birthday.
“SHUT UP!” Legend shrieks, trying to climb the tree behind him.
Warriors wipes a hand down his face.
“Okay, okay… nobody panic… we just need to…” His mouth: “WE’RE CURSED BECAUSE WILD TOUCHES EVERYTHING THAT SPARKLES.”
Wild gasps. “HEY!” His mouth, instantly: “He’s right though and I have no regrets, I would absolutely do it again.”
Four looks horrified. “Wild… why.”
Wild shrugs helplessly.
Time finally steps forward like a calm father entering a food fight. “Hyrule. Four. Wind. Do not be alarmed, but if any of you approach me right now I may sentence someone to the Deku Nut Jar.”
Silence. Everyone stares.
Warriors whispers, “Please Time, stop talking about the Deku jar.”
Time clears his throat.
Wind whispers to Hyrule, “Are we sure this is the same group?”
Hyrule looks between them. “You’re all cursed,” he says slowly. “Aren’t you?”
Five defeated nods.
Four crosses his arms. “How bad is it?”
Twilight gestures vaguely at the carnage.
Sky whimpers, “I want to die.”
Legend scowls, “I want Warriors to die.”
Wild smiles wryly. “I want a snack.”
Warriors hides his head in his hands, “I want to legally change my identity.”
Their mouths collectively: “AND NONE OF US CAN SHUT UP.”
Hyrule processes this. Wind starts grinning. Four takes one step backward.
“…We,” Four says, “are going to die.”
Warriors grabs him by the shoulders. “No. YOU THREE are going to stay FAR away until we figure this out.”
His mouth adds: “Because the next time I look at any of you I will confess something humiliating and I REFUSE.”
Wind, delighted, “Oh this is AMAZING.”
“No it’s NOT.” Legend snarled.
Twilight looked at his hands in defeat. “I feel ill.”
Wild glanced around. “Can someone hand me a mushroom?”
Time, hands behind his back like a general addressing his troops, “We need isolation. Distance. Control.”
Warriors pulls at his hair. “This. Is. A NIGHTMARE.”
Hyrule slowly, gently, delicately steps back. “…We’ll just… go wait over here… far away from whatever this is.”
Four frowns. “What if it spreads?”
Warriors raises a hand to reassure him. But his mouth says calmly: “If it spreads to Wind we’re doomed.”
Wind throws a rock at him.
The forest clearing is vibrating with chaos.
Sky is curled up whispering apologies to the universe.
Legend is pacing like an angry chicken.
Twilight keeps muttering “this is fine” in a way that suggests it is not.
Wild has been blurting nonsense for ten minutes straight.
And Warriors? He’s mentally drafting his resignation letter from reality.
Wind’s laughing about it.
Four is rubbing the bridge of his nose like he’s aged decades. “Alright,” Four says at last, voice flat. “This is ridiculous.”
Legend snarls, “OH REALLY, THANKS GENIUS, ANYONE WOULD THINK ITS YOU WITH THE TRIFORCE OF WISDOM!”
But Four is already walking toward Wild, eyes containing a purple glint. “Give me the sword.”
Sky, trembling like a leaf, hands him the Master Sword. Four lifts it. Examines it. Points it forward. “Okay.” he says. “Let’s see if this works.”
Before anyone can stop him, he reaches forward and gently taps Wild on the forehead with the flat of the blade.
A soft ding noise rings out.
A tiny poof of sparkle.
Wild’s eyes go wide.
“…I-” He touches his chest. “I’m not saying anything weird.” He looks at the group. “I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING WEIRD!!”
Sky whispers in awe, “It works?”
Four nods, expression calm but victorious. “Obviously.”
He steps over to Sky next. Sky panics. “N-No… wait… what if it hurts… what if I explode…what if-!” Four boops him with the sword. Ding. Sky freezes. Then exhales with relief. “Oh thank Hylia. I can lie again.”
Warriors wipes a tear. Four moves to Twilight. Twilight’s backing up like a spooked horse. “Four. Buddy. Lad. We can talk about this…”
Tap. Ding. Twilight’s shoulders drop. “…Bless.”
He hugs Four like a tree.
Legend cackles hysterically. “Do me next do me next DO ME NEXT!”
Four taps him. Ding. Legend collapses to his knees. “Oh thank the goddesses, I can withhold information again!”
Warriors staggers dramatically in front of Four. “End my suffering.”
Four taps him without ceremony. Ding. Warriors straightens.
“…I feel whole.”
Four looks around at his work, satisfied.
Only one is left.
Time.
The veteran stands calmly, arms folded, watching the cures with a serene smile like someone observing spring flowers bloom.
Four approaches him, lifting the sword.
“Your turn.” Four says.
And Time. Time just laughs under his breath. Soft. Warm. Wry. Mischief winks in his eye.
He lifts a hand and gently pushes the blade away.
“I don’t need it.”
Five jaws drop simultaneously.
Wild chokes.
Legend points at him, shrieking.
Warriors sputters.
Twilight swears under his breath.
Sky clutches his chest.
Warriors finally manages:
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T NEED IT?! YOU WERE THE MOST DERANGED OF ALL OF US.”
Time gives a graceful shrug.
“I was never cursed.”
Silence.
Pure, stunned, soul-deep silence.
Then Legend screams, “WHAT ABOUT THE DRAGON SPOON THING?!”
Twilight gasps, “THE KEATON TAIL JAR?”
Sky whimpers, “THE DEKU NUT… THE… THE…”
Wild clutches his head. “You SAID ALL OF THAT ON PURPOSE?!”
Time simply nods.
Warriors stares at him, betrayed.
“So you weren’t cursed.”
“No.”
“You just said insane things.”
“Yes.”
“VOLUNTARILY.”
Time smiles, folding his arms behind his back.
“Correct.”
Wind bursts out laughing so hard he falls onto his face.
Legend collapses dramatically. “I can’t do this. I’m done. I’m retiring.”
Sky mumbles, “I need to lie down for a year.”
Twilight shakes his head. “I’m reevaluating our entire dynamic.”
Wild grinned. “I want to hear all the stories.”
Time: “We’ll save them for the fire tonight.”
Six voices cry: “NO WE WON’T.”
But Time just laughs quietly.
They’re finally back at camp.
Dinner is simmering, the fire is crackling, and for the first time all day, no one is blurting their deepest shame to the open air.
It should be peaceful.
It is not.
Because the moment Legend sits down, Warriors plops in next to him with stars in his eyes.
“So.” Warriors begins innocently, “when you were a bunny, were you more fluffy cute, or fluffy pathetic?”
Legend immediately stands up. “Nope. I’m not doing this again.”
He tries to leave. Warriors grabs his cape like a cat owner preventing an escape.
“Oh, c’mon, Legend.”
Warriors smirks. “You can’t blame the curse this time.”
Legend yanks uselessly against the grip.
“Warriors, I swear to the Three, I will end you…”
Warriors leans in, too delighted to stop himself. “So tell me… were the ears floppy? Or did they stick straight up when you were scared?”
Legend turns bright red. “You weren’t even THERE! Twilight was there! Ask him!”
Twilight, stirring the pot over the fire, doesn’t even look up. “He was adorable.”
Legend SCREAMS. Warriors is laughing now.
“Oh Hylia, that’s better than I thought. Did you hop? Did you make little squeaking noises?”
“I DID NOT SQUEAK!” Legend insists.
Warriors nods wisely. “Ah. So it was a squeak.”
Legend looks one millisecond away from violence. “I will burn your bedroll.” he threatens.
Wind pipes up cheerfully, “Did you fit in someone’s pocket? Because I totally would’ve carried you around.”
Legend wailed. “STOP TALKING.”
Sky, trying to be comforting, pats his shoulder. “You were very fearsome, Legend.”
Legend snarls, “SKY, YOU’RE ON THIN ICE!”
And that is when Time finally steps in. Time stands at the fire, stirring a pot of stew with calm, paternal menace. And says, “Now, Warriors.”
Warriors pauses mid-laugh.
“Remember,” Time continues warmly, gently, devastatingly, “that Legend wasn’t the one who split his pants doing a backflip for a princess.”
Silence.
Legend slowly, beautifully smirks. “Oh yes.” he says, crossing his arms. “Let’s talk about THAT instead.”
Warriors’s entire soul exits through his ears. “I thought we were friends! Comrades!” He cries dramatically.
Time gives a single fatherly shrug. “You brought up his trauma. Seemed fair.”
Legend leans forward like a shark smelling blood. “Did the princess clap? Did she gasp? Did anyone offer you a- a-sewing kit?”
Warriors covers his face. “I hate all of you.”
Sky tries, poorly, to hide his giggling. “Was it loud when they tore?”
“SKY! Out of everyone!” The captain groaned.
Wind is crying with laughter. “I bet it echoed!!”
Warriors, defeated, slumps into the dirt.
Time ladles stew into bowls, looking very pleased with himself.
Legend pats Warriors’s shoulder, magnanimous only because the gods have favoured him today.
“It’s okay, Captain. We all fall apart sometimes.”
Warriors groans into his hands.
Twilight chuckles, “Dinner’s ready.”