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As the gun rested against Lo’ak’s chin ,his fingers on the cold metal,he knew that feeling to hold a finger against the trigger since childhood.
His knees dug into the sand beneath him,that was growing warmer as he knelt.
"If you hadn't disobeyed orders, your brother would still be-"
His father’s words didn’t stop anymore ,they replayed ever since he had stormed away from Jake.
Lo’ak himself knew that he was at fault,he knew and every second of the days,since neteyam’s death he had wished it was him instead, that had died on that day and not neteyam .
He woke up with the guilt and went to sleep with it everyday .
Even through that guilt ate him away from the inside ,he didn’t let it show.Who would he have shown anyways?
Tsireya?No he wouldn’t have done that to her.
He was in love with her ,he knew that ever since he first saw her and maybe she had liked him back but even if she shouldn’t be burdened with him.
So everyday he didn’t let it show and did as his father told him,then may be he would finally forgive his youngest son and with that maybe Lo’ak would have forgiven himself too.
But instead the eyes of his father grew angrier day to day and Lo’ak’s were losing their shine.
The only things that kept him happy were Payakan and Tsireya. And now that they would take his soul-Brother away, because they had seen him as the treat and cause for the Skypeoples attacks.He broke.
He had finally stood up for himself and Payakan and in return he had gotten the confirmation for what he had thought of himself ever since neteyam’s death.
He was sorry for what he was about to cause his sisters,mother and friends but he thought that if he pulled that trigger,Jake Sully would fall some burden off his chest.Since the one being responsible for his first born son’s death would die.
An eye for an eye
Son for a son
His finger on the cold metal of the guns trigger and his mind went to the first time he had his finger on a trigger.
It was with his father,he showed him how to shoot.
With that Lo’ak’s thought maybe it was always meant to be this way.
That this was his fate and he would die of the thing his father had showed him to use,to kill something or someone.
To protect the people he loved
It would make the perfect cycle wouldn’t it?
It would kill the thing,failure,alien,murderer ,he thought.
And it would protect the people he loved,since all that Lo’ak ever brought to his family was shame and ruin.
Surely Jake would have never thought that his guns would not lead only to the death of his first son but soon his second one too.
As Lo’ak’s gaze went to the ocean beyond him ,he thought of Payakan and the anger that built within his body towards the council of Tulkun’s.
He felt bad for leaving him all alone in this shitty ,unfair,selfish world.
Lo’ak’s hands begun shaking and even more tears started rolling down his cheeks.
Through the shaking of his hands the pressure on the trigger changed second to second.
But as he heard Kiri and Tsireya calling out his name ,he had pushed the gun to the side.
And at that moment he had wished he had pulled that dang trigger as fast as he could.He didn’t want to live anymore and he didn’t want to feel and he never wanted his brother back as much as he did that moment. But now it was too late.
Of course had had to ruin that.
He always ruined everything.
Lo’ak kept staring at the ocean as his sister and Tsireya ran towards him.
Both girls put their arms around him as fast as they could.They hadn’t know that he was trying to kill himself yet.
The girls thought he should be comforted because of Payakan but it hadn’t taken long until Kiri saw the gun.
And she knew that, that gun was thrown there by him the second he heard them.Maybe it was her bond with eywa or only that he was her brother that she knew the exact second she saw.
Her pupils turned wide as the realization hit her like she had been shot.
Her head turned to her brother so fast as she had been slapped but she took her little brother’s head in her hands and pleaded with him “ Stay in this life brother."
Out of reflex Tsireya looked for wounds on his body.
But at Kiri’s words Tsireya’s head shot up and went surching for what Kiri might have meant and when she saw that gun,a small sob came out of her throat.
She felt so helpless at that moment,as if someone would just rip Lo’ak off her hands and let him forever disappear.
But it pained her even more that the one who was trying to rip her off her was he himself.
So she told him “We love you” her voice broke in so many ways that Lo’ak felt even worse for hurting her in such a way.
It was the first time she told him she loved him.And her heart sank down to the pits of pandora and back up as she waited those few long seconds for him to finally look at her, she saw how his tears did not stop and only grew stronger .
But he looked at her with the most breathtaking beautiful eyes she had ever seen.She was one of the few who noticed their change within the month of neteyams death.And even back then she still found them to be the most beautiful of all in the world .In her view that would never change.
Lo’ak looked her deep into the eyes.And the guilt of her seeing him after his “failure” made him sink deeper into the sand ,his whole body now shook with each sob and all that he could do was be hold by Kiri and Tsireya.