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Remus Lupin is so fucking tired. The edge to going crazy is not too far; it’s been only a few days since the full moon, and his body is shit at functioning.
He has to be strong for Sirius though, – he needs so much care and support right now. But the stormy euphoria of getting to be with him again, is somehow replaced by worry and anxiety of misunderstanding. Who are they to each other now?
Sirius Black struggles with nightmares, barely eats, and when he does, he ends up throwing up (his body needs to… get used to normal food, after prison rations). From his bright and charismatic friend, only a shadow is left – a very self-assured and stubborn shadow, that is. He’s trying, or rather, is crawling out of his fucking skin, to prove everyone that he’s fine, thank you very much. That the years in Azkaban haven’t left the trace that they had. That he just needs to rest a bit, and he will go back to being the same Black everyone knew thirteen years ago.
They’re both well aware that nothing will ever be the same, and that’s what hurts the most. Sirius’s life got frozen in place and time in Azkaban for a very obvious reason. But what excuse does Remus have? Why did he fall into this metaphorical black hole? Only the last semester of teaching at Hogwarts helped him feel a bit more human. What can he offer Sirius now?
The flow of that self-destruction was cut off by Sirius himself. They’ve agreed to take a walk after dinner; Sirius hungrily consumes every piece of the sky with his eyes, and, well, Remus wouldn’t mind a breather.
For the following half a year, they decided to settle farther from the populated area where they might be searched for. Nor the Black house, nor the Lupin manor are good enough to be their hiding spot. In the end, a small cottage in the depth of the continent was decided to suit the best. Three levels of protection charms could keep out anyone who’d like to visit without an invitation.
Remus and Sirius have already lived here for a couple of days, but Sirius’ fatigue and Remus’ full moon haven’t really left a chance to stop and think. To talk. To breathe. But also what’s there to talk about, if Remus still can’t process that Sirius is alive, existing right next to him, and hasn't betrayed him at all?
“Yeah, let’s go,” he forces out a smile, getting up from the couch to leave the house.
“Such beautiful weather,” Sirius smiles, scrunching up his nose and looking up at the warm sun.
After Azkaban any weather is beautiful to him, even rain and snow. But it is, indeed, nice outside. April has truly lived up to the expectations, the snow on the hills had melted away, and small yellow flowers slowly began to bloom.
“Couldn’t fall asleep today since four in the morning. Those godforsaken birds kept chirping.” Sirius says. He started trying to stay in his human form for longer.
“Never thought that could interfere with sleep”, Remus replies half-hazardly, deep into his own, very not happy thoughts.
“Mmm, it’s a very unusual sound. Dementors don’t really chirp, you know?”
And Sirius really doesn’t add a deeper meaning to his words, but Remus still feels that repeating pang of guilt. For being led on to the illusions and believing in the betrayal by his love. For never doubting the fairness and justice of the court’s decision and for never trying to save Sirius.
They slowly walk on the barely visible path. The sky is bright, and the young plants are peeking through the long, last year’s grass. It seems like everything around is trying to grow and bloom despite the cold March and the rainy beginning of April. In the meadow there’s still snow, but on the hill it’s much warmer, making Remus take off his jacket and roll up the sleeves of his shirt.
Sirius gets fixated at staring at the scarred forearms and neck, then turns back into a dog and disappears over the nearest hill. Sometimes his intentions are hard to understand, and Remus himself is all out of sorts today.
He’s still exhausted after turning into a monster, the twice broken and re-grown bones in his body are throbbing with pain, especially uneasy is his hip. Remus lowers himself onto the ground, the sun warming his body through in a nice
“Are you asleep?” Sirius quietly sneaks up from behind, and Remus flinches. “Oh, sorry, sorry, that wasn’t very smart on my side.”
Sirius forces something into his hands, and Remus sits up to look at a small yellow bouquet of crocuses, which seems to be on fire under the bright sunlight.
“You always liked them. Renewal and revival, or whatever the hell it means, yeah?”
Remus gently reaches out to touch the flowers, and the small petals look weird on his scarred palm. “And strength, yes.” Sirius goes quiet for a second, enjoying the sound of the birds and the rustling of the tall grass in the wind. “You never lacked those, Moony.”
Remus shuts his eyes, feeling the burn of something thrashing and pulling inside his chest. “Sirius, I don’t…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I haven’t gone completely mental, I see how hard it is for you, especially with me.” Sirius is close to whimpering from sadness. “But I want you to know that we don’t have to… prove anything to each other right now. I just did a silly little thing from our past life.”
He really did go feral after that one time Remus confessed he likes flowers. Greenhouses, meadows, fields, gardens, clearings in the Forbidden Forest – everything was subjected to devastating attacks by Sirius, who wanted to impress Remus in the biggest way possible.
But now. The times have changed, and there’s not a single coherent thought in Remus’s mind. Just sadness. And rage. Anger, anger at himself, at the circumstances, at the fucking war, at the deaths and the despair, the hatred, the confusion – everything gets lost in the whirlwind of hurt.
Remus looks at the flowers, tightly gripped in his hand, and carefully uncurls his fingers.
“I did some magic, they won’t die for like a week,” Sirius winks at him. “Why’d you think those orchids stood for half a year next to your bed?”
Remus can feel his heart getting absolutely destroyed with the painful feeling of nostalgia. All of that is long gone, broken and ruined.
Although, they can always try building something new, right?