Chapter Text
Shane supposes it is a little cruel that he did not let Ilya know that the video he shot with Men's Health Magazine was coming out later today. A heads-up would have been nice. Especially given that Shane would not be in Ilya's immediate vicinity until tomorrow. He would be on the other side of Canada, in Vancouver, for another sponsorship meeting. And not for the many times does Shane think, does he really need all this money?
He can already imagine the judgmental look his mom would give him for even asking.
Oh well, his husband will be fine, Shane has done more scandalous photoshoots.
Ilya was just about to call Shane, because by now he should have a couple of minutes to spare from his travels and meetings. He’s been looking forward to this all day, because, God, he was running out of things to do. He did not get much sleep after Shane left that morning. So he cleaned the entire house, mopped the stairs, and even dusted behind the TV. Fed and walked Anya. Even read one of Shane’s boring hockey books, which his brain immediately latched onto, cause that's how desperate he was to do something.
So he's about to call Shane, but something about the Twitter app (no, he will not call it X, Elon Musk can go fuck himself) seems to be calling for him. He opens it up, scrolling through his notifications.
Ilya has learned a few things about Western fans. And Millennial/Gen Z fans in general. What they say is not really what they mean. So if they call him a loser or say they hate him, they don't really mean it. Apparently, being a loser is a good thing? Being so good that they hate him is a compliment?
It was a helpful tip to have, because his brain automatically translates the words as is, and he wishes people would use more emojis or add a note saying whether they are serious or joking. He is pretty sure Luca is getting tired of being his social media consultant, and he doesn't want to actually tell a genuine fan of his to fuck off.
So there are a lot of aggressive, borderline violent tweets in his notification, different from the actual death threats he usually gets from hockey fans on the daily.
k⁷ @shanehollandersbuttplug
ILYA ROZANOV CAN U FIGHT
Rhea @rePike7
dont you just sometimes want to punch a 6'3 russian hockey player
elliot @81ILYAS
ilya rozanov i hope u know what a lucky girl u are
connor storrie's emmy @HOLLANOVSDiaries
ilya rozanov and shane hollander do u need a third
His mouth twitches up as he keeps on reading, trying to piece together why, today of all days, everyone is acting up. He scrolls too fast and almost misses it. It’s just a 4-second clip, but Ilya’s jaw drops.
Did someone leak their sex tape?? Wait, they don't have a sex tape. Did someone tape them while they were in a hotel room or something without their knowledge? Why the fuck is there video footage of Shane on his back, hips and legs raised, head thrown back as he sweats and whimphers as Ilya pushes into him—
Wait. No. Ilya isn't fucking Shane. This is not a god damn sex tape.
His fingers move fast to see the Trending tab, where Shane Hollander is trending, along with his own name, CAN U FIGHT, and Men’s Health Magazine. He clicks on the Men’s Health Magazine Twitter page and looks at their pinned tweet.
Men's Health Magazine ✅ @MensHealthMag
Hockey Player Shane Hollander Took Us Through His Sweaty, Glute-Building Workout Routine.
His fucking what now? Glute? Ass?? Shane?!
He watches the entire 8-minute video of Shane working out in his fucking white-tank top and beige shorts. He’s stretching, lifting weights, and posing, and Ilya cannot process anything Shane is saying about routine, a wider chest or stretch marks.
Ilya is pretty sure he has gone into cardiac arrest. He doesn’t just feel warm all over; he's burning like a furnace. There are too many thoughts in his head, but they all have to do with Shane Shane Shane—
The way Shane looks so fucking beautiful even in gym clothes. The way he talks, even as he rambles on about exercise safety, confident yet still so dorky that it makes Ilya's heart ache in fondness, he can’t contain himself.
His body—Ilya doesn't even know where to begin. The video isn't showing him anything he hasn't seen before. In fact, it's showing him less, things the world will never get to see.
Shane works so hard to take care of himself, and his body is proof of it. Ilya has seen his body change over the years due to age, through the seasons, and between seasons when they are playing to when they are not. Has felt and seen everything. Every part of him is beautiful. The hard plains of his chest, the outlines of his back, where Ilya loves to trace all his moles. His thighs, God, he has seen fans joke about wanting those thighs to choke them, and Ilya has never related to anything more. Powerful and well-defined, evidence of all the squats Shane does. But there is always just enough softness on the underside for Ilya to grab, which yields under his touch.
Fuck, he wants Shane now, preferably sitting on his face, those exact thighs to be crushing his skill.
LILY
shan
shaned
fuck
shane
JANE
Are you okay
LILY
no im dying
JANE
Did you smoke again
LILY
wtf holanders
hollander
when did u do this
magazine shoot
why am i finding out last
JANE
Oh, did it come out?
LILY
DONT ACT INNOCENSE
JANE
Innocent
LILY
JANE
You're so dramatic
LILY
is my brain
wants to bite u
JANE
Oh my
LILY
im having heart problems
JANE
You should go the ER
LILY
JANE
I don't think that is how hearts work
LILY
im dead
u have killed me hollander
JANE
So you liked the video
LILY
JANE
That is terrifying
LILY
its winter outside but inside feels like summer
inside my body feels like summer
JANE
Just say you're feeling hot like a normal person oh my god
LILY
how can i be normal when my husband is most perfect man in the world
JANE
Aww ❤️
LILY
JANE
Okay, sure
LILY
with the most perfect body
JANE
Not perfect
You can see in the video I still have room for improvement
LILY
shut up
perfect for me
cause you work so hard, you take care of yourself and eat right and exercise and so
strict on yourself
discipline
so proud of u
JANE
Oh
Thank you
Wait hold on let me find the picture you like
LILY
i watched video like this
JANE
Sigh
Here we go again
LILY
JANE
What the fuck
LILY
should i send to yuna and david
JANE
Please do not.
LILY
i need to fight pike
JANE
What did Hayden do now
LILY
too much energy, needs to go somewhere
JANE
Calm down
LILY
JANE
What does that even mean
LILY
JANE
They should not be doing this to Disney characters
LILY
when i see u again
JANE
I'll make sure to prep myself
Hello?
Ilya?
Where did you go, it says still online
LILY
u will murder me
u are trying to murder me
JANE
What did i do
LILY
"what did i do"
you are 15 hours away
and u are talking about prep
JANE
3 hours
LILY
casually
like my heart is already not having problems
JANE
You are not getting turned on because of this
LILY
not getting?
already am
JANE
Enemas are not sexy
LILY
my husband is getting himself ready for me and i am not allowed to be happy about it
JANE
Shut the fuck up
What's wrong with you 😅
LILY
come home faster
JANE
I will be back tomorrow
LILY
faster
JANE
Tomorrow is the fastest I can come back
LILY
JANE
You will survive
I will always come back to you
LILY
JANE
We are already married you loser
I don't know why but we are
LILY
why are you
JANE
Because I love you I guess
Wait not guess
I love you.
The guess was sarcastic
In case you could not tell
Tone is hard to show on text
Hold on I have the other picture you like
Я тебя люблю
LILY
JANE
Ilya 🙄
LILY
i need a minute
my husband told me he loves me
JANE
I tell you ALL THE time
LILY
i need a minute
JANE
Okay
LILY
Я тебя люблю
JANE
Wait, what is her boyfriend's name
LILY
tom hollander?
tom holland
JANE
LILY
JANE
How do you find these so fast
LILY
JANE
You can't get me pregnant
It is not biologically possible
LILY
we havent tried hard enough
try everyday
and find you
baby doctor
JANE
Obstetrician-Gynecologist
LILY
i bet u dont even use spellcheck
so smart
our kids will be smart like u
JANE
Well, in a universe where males could get pregnant
And if you got me pregnant
Our kids would be very cute too
They would get your curls
And eyes
LILY
JANE
Alright
Maybe you should nap
I need to go, one more meeting
I will try to call later
🫰
Wait
❤️
LILY
hold on
one more
final thing
JANE
Yes?
LILY
JANE
Jane has reacted to [image] with 😂