Work Text:
The ceiling was way too bright to be this distorted. Another shitty shift at the mall ending as it usually did, with Jecka fucked up on cheap liquor after catching hell's worst migraine from dad's non-stop screaming. She hadn't even fucking done anything this time, even paid the fucking utility bills before they were due just to try and catch a break. The cigarette on her window sill still glowed, tipping slightly as the cherry finally broke apart under it's own non-existent weight. Just like her hopes of getting out of this town. That DUI had really fucked up her prospects, even if Ari had miraculously pulled through. That whole night was still fresh and real under the covers of her eyelids. The discarded heap of red, uniform dyed the same shade as her stupid fucking box dye. How Nicole had broken every persona she ever put on to rush over to the stupid re-closeted dyke. How she'd screamed at Jecka to dial 911, how the blonde herself felt embers of anger below her panic and pain at the action. That was a nail she never saw coming, just like the headlights. They'd fought again, this time Nicole had left. Something stupid about some shit she'd said in the heat of the moment about Ari or lesbians or...fuck it didn't fucking matter. Well...it did but it didn't too? It was said and she'd ghosted.
Jecka would continue to tell herself this was 'just a gap year', like she did every night or every time someone was shocked to see her.She never expected to end up the trashy one in town. Never expected to go from posh and preppy to this, a knock-off emo girl. She barely knew any of the fucking bands the living lard blocks that tried to hit on her would mention. The job did help her side gig though, plenty of insecure and lonely fucks to charge out the ass for some gross attention. Some tried to cheap out and buy her shit instead of giving her the money. Fucking assholes. But it did grow her wardrobe, even if she looked more and more like her ex-best friend.
Nothing felt the same since Nicole had stopped texting back as much.
Her hands instinctively checked her phone again, for the first time in...oh...49 seconds. Day or night, work or sleep, it all felt the same. Numb. Too long to feel real, too short to ever recognize progress, if there even was any. There wasn't, thinking there might be at any point was a charade. She was doomed to rot here in her room, it was growing less pink and vibrant by the day. Hot Topic will do that to a bitch. Taking the occasional free band tee or other promo merch had slowly morphed her sense of self. Her eyes eventually lolled over to her vanity across the room, bulbs long burned out. Even in the moody low light she could see her own equally shitty dye slowly fading out. Boss would probably make her re-do it again soon. Another stupid fucking mistake, clinging to this job because it was habit. No point to seek anything else in this dead-end hellhole.
Her iPod shuffled again, kicking into the opening notes of Ghost of You. A tear or two crept into the edges of her vision as it played through. Three Cheers had always been Nicole's secret favorite album. She never said it outright but having multiple pieces of merch featuring it was a clue only an idiot like Kylar could not pick up on. At the refrain she couldn't bear it anymore, fumbling for the stupid piece of shit so she could skip the song. Another tiny betrayal, from one of the few things left that was supposed to be an anchor, some broke bitch version of therapy or escape. She needed something stronger than shit booze and a suicidal bitch's music taste. Didn't matter if it pushed her to feeling better or...the other way. She understood it now. Way better than she thought she ever would. Or should. Would never admit it though. Couldn't wear it on her sleeve like Nicole did, literally or not. Somewhere beneath they were there though, lingering and biting back when she least expected. She never remembered the moments that they appeared, only the moments of waking up at some point in the day with new shit to struggle to hide.
The next song was better. Nothing from her, just a random album she snatched off the shelf at work because she liked the color. A muted magenta, striped with a little gray and black to accent only three words on the cover; Portraits of Past. Didn't know if it was the album or band until she loaded it on to iTunes the same night. Most of the songs were dreary, harsh drums and dissonant chords she'd never be able to comprehend or talk about like the band freaks but it vibed on occasion. Track four though? That one she liked. Name, energy, lyrics. All of it. 'Implications of a Sinkhole Personality', the vocal styling would've driven her to the hills a year ago but now she often wished she could let out the same noises. Something to get all the fucked up feelings out. She quickly got lost in her lip syncing again, succumbing to a small jump as her phone actually vibrated.
The small blue screen brandished a name she didn't immediately despise too, what a bonus.
>>Dealer(schizo)
Her heart sank. It wasn't who she quietly wished it to be. Of course it wasn't, probably wouldn't ever be. It wasn't for her lack of trying either. She sent a handful of conversation openers, a dozen apologies and who knows how many ramblings about her life just trying to move past old shit. Just like Nicole used to. Even tried to get her to go to another one of Kelly's parties since that bimbo had taken a gap year too, allegedly. That one got a reply, not the one she had expected though. Hearing your sociopathic, life-ruiner best friend who was never sober say 'I don't drink' really takes the wind of any sails you thought you had. She never elaborated either, never responded after. That was the most recent reply, if you can call four months ago recent. Fuck. It really had been a while. Somehow way longer and shorter than how it actually felt.
Her phone continued to vibrate. Oh. Right...her.
OH! Oh, fuck it's a call.
"Uuuuhhh...heh-'ello?"
"Damn. You sound FUCKED up Jecka. You good?" Emily sounded edged and jubilant in equal measure. The usual at this point, graduating hadn't changed much except how much free time she had.
"Uhhh...yeah..." Jecka winced as she sat up. Her sullen amber eyes falling on the sight of new red lines across he bare thighs. When did those get there? "What's uh up?"
"Nuh uh. You first bitch. You sound like you're two bottles deep after getting back from Iraq."
"I'm fine. Just had a drink or two after work."
"Only two?"
"You're not my mom Em. She bounced remember?"
"Yeah yeah. Fuck a bitch for caring right?"
"Riiiiight...I'm just fuzzy okay? What's up? You like never call."
"Wanna go to a concert Friday night?"
"I work."
"So call out??? Like hello? You're always working. They aren't gonna fire you over one missed shift."
"Even if I wanted to call out, which I do want every fucking day by the way, I don't have money."
"Last I checked you had two gigs."
"Yeah and my piece of shit dad makes me pay for everything except the mortgage and his car payment. Plus he says he's 'extra strapped' or whatever because he traded in the truck for something new."
"Mid-life ex-wife crisis car?"
"Camaro," Jecka mutters, disdain plain in her voice. Mostly because she can see it from her window, but also at the money thing.
"That checks."
"Yeah so while honestly that sounds kinda fun I...can't."
"I'll spot you"
"What?"
"Alcohol make you dumb or deaf Jecka? I. Me. Emily. Will. Pay. Fo-"
"Okay okay. I get it. Jesus. I was just shocked by the offer."
"It's a pretty cheap show anyway, just want a buddy to go with. Especially since you're at least hanging around heavier shit than Atlantis Morisette now."
"I never listened to Alanis Morisette willingly Emily!"
"Isn't it ironic that you just corrected me?~"
"OKAY! Fuck fine. I'll go if it gets you off my ass about my mom's music."
" 'Kaaaayyyy. Sick. Don't worry about payin' me back. You feel more high strung than before. You need this more than therapy girl. Drink your water before bead biiiiitch."
The spontaneous chick hung up before Jecka's addled mind could formulate another jab back.
A concert could be fun at least, and if it was with Emily she might be able to get fucked up. Probably able.
Fuck. She didn't even ask what time or anything. It didn't matter. It was a couple of days away and sleeps grasping hands had already claimed her eyes before her back hit the bed again.
Work was a piece of hot dogshit as usual. Jecka wandered over to FYE on her break just for some normal human interaction with someone not male. Kelly was always a bimbo, sure, but she was the closest thing to a ray of sunshine left in this shithole. Ever the optimist and bubbly personality, she wasted no time in drowning Jecka's ears in drivel about this, that or another thing. Starbucks fraps kept her tongue from looking too idle as the airhead rambled, the occasional nod sufficing to keep the fake-blonde carrying on. She wandered their background noise conversation over to the CD racks, hoping to spot a new score of some sort. It was weird to be slowly turning into some fake ass connoisseur despite having no musical talent of her own but it was the closest thing to a hobby she had after work now.Maybe she could start a blog? No that screams self-absorbed or attention-seeking. Especially with her newfound tastes.
"So yeah...he definitely didn't last as long as he claimed but I'm not pregnant so it's fine. Plus I already blocked his number," Kelly stopped, her eyes following Jecka's own gaze to her browsing. "You getting into this stuff? I always pictured you as more of a-"
"What? Alanis fan?"
"Well noooo...but yeah her too, I guess. Plus your new..." those violet eyes glanced up down, wandering over Jecka's black and studded work attire. Damn, they were actually really pretty. Fuck. No. Stop it. "...look?"
"I mean it's for work sooo yeah..."
"Hair too?"
"Yup."
"Bitchy attitude?"
"What?"
"What?"
The two blondes, current and former, locked eyes. Jecka quickly shoved her straw back in her mouth before she got herself kicked out. She didn't need another ex-friend, even if this one felt a bit more hollow since high school ended.
"I barely recognized you until the blonde started to come back," Kelly's smile had returned leaving Jecka unsure how much of what was said before might've been a poor attempt at humor.
"Yeah...sorry. I just get so drained dealing with the people who shop over there."
"I get it. There's a few repeats here that I can't stand."
"You're the manager though? Can't you just ban them or something?"
"TRUUUST me I already tried to get Jefferey banned," the bimbo folded her arms across her chest, one hand sticking out to snobbishly mimic a mouth. "Corporate was all like 'bad vibes isn't reason enough to ban someone' so I basically have to deal with him until he touches me or something."
"Could just use his fetishes against him and make him jizz all over like he did in that stupid sex rehab class," Jecka muttered in turn, her mind occupied by a distinctly blue album cover she didn't recognize.
The album was really pretty actually. All blue tones forming a city skylines over water, accented almost-white lightning streaking from behind the buildings. Without thinking much about it, the case was already in her hands. 'Deep Blue'. Huh. Could be interesting at least.
"Hey Kelly. Hey oh...Jecka?" Oh god not this fucking walking coma patient.
"HI Crispin! Welcome innnnn!~" Kelly was already laying it on thick, Jecka needed out of this. Yesterday.
"Thanks! Oh shit! Jecka you listen to metal too?"
"Sure."
"Have you heard of Five Finger Death Punch?"
"Uhhhh...only because that's what I'm gonna do to your throat if you don't fuck off."
"Huh? What did I-"
"Talked to me instead of dying in a fire like I told you back in school," she snarked before turning amber eyes back to Kelly. "Can you ring this up for me Kells?"
"Of course!~" she pulled the pair back to the register, away from the walking marijuana cloud. "I didn't know you were like actually into metal either though."
"Don't know. Hear a bunch of shit on my work speakers, some of it's not bad anymore. You know anything about these guys?"
"Not really. It's a new release...huh."
"What?"
"The track names are kinda weird and edgy but it says the band, Parkway Drive, is from Australia."
"Well at least they'll probably sound hot."
"Oh my goood, truuuueeee!!~"
It cost more than she wanted to pay but the cover was too alluring. Something about blue just...nope. Don't read into that. Or Kelly's eyes. Buy your shit and get out.
"Thanks. I'll see ya around Kelly."
"Byyyyeee!~"
Jecka slumped in her car after work, one hand hanging her lit stick out the window as she read over the CD's back cover. Kelly wasn't joking about the song names at all. Wreckage, Deadweight, Home is for the Heartless. They all sounded like suicide note titles or shitty action movies. Shit, she forgot to text Emily about tomorrow. Needed to do that before the booze hit her lips at home. She started the car and tossed in her new disc before pulling out her phone.
No new messages. Of course.
>Dealer(Schizo): Yo wht time tmr?
>Nd whos drvin?
The opening of the first track was surprisingly slow. Then the vocals crept in and dropped to heavy, spaced chugs. A few hoarse chants of 'Suffering!' resonated hard in her ears before it faded out as quickly as it had arrived. Short first track already had her interest piqued more than the current pop hits. Another glance at her phone showed no reply so she tossed the car into drive and headed home. Track two was fine, nothing special. By the time track three hit though, her head was into it, bobbing along to the heavy chugs and dissonant vocals. She was even accidentally shaking off the cherry of her next cigarette, just tapping along to the drums as she drove. It felt...nice. The roads were clear of most cars by now, the lights gifted her with a green wave to roll through as she passed. This was the calmest her mind had been in a long time.
She turned the volume down into track four as she neared her house, wanting to finish another song before heading inside to a potential- nah, probable shitstorm. Some of the first few lines felt too real in that moment, even as she sat half-amazed at her ability to discern the lyrics behind the screams. It was something that the old her would've scoffed at and moved on from without a second thought.
'I am the blackest soul, the child of a loveless world, I am the consequence of of complete collapse.'
Damn. Nicole would love this.
Fuck. Even now, in her moments of her own found enjoyment, she lingered in mind. Booze night it is. Assuming Emily replies soon.
The heavy oak door loomed before her, the only dam holding back chaos in her life. Jecka pushed unlocked and opened her front door with well-practiced care, wincing at every unavoidable creak. Just beyond the arch into the living room she could see her dad's feet in the recliner, not a great start. She slipped in through the smallest feasible crack, closing the door even more gently.
"Jessica!"
"Uh hey dad...I'm home from work."
"You're late again."
"Sorry, I got caught up talking to Kelly outside..."
"I HAD TO FUCKING ORDER SHITTY TAKEOUT AGAIN SO YOU'RE PAYING ME BACK!"
"Okay okay okay. I'm sorry...I don't have cash on me until I get paid again."
"WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL YOUR MONEY GOING? YOU OUT THERE BEING A USELESS ADDICT LIKE YOUR WHORE MOTHER?!"
"DAD NO! PLEASE!" he was already in her face, breathing heavy whiskey stench down into her face. His right arm began to raise, Jecka flinched away, sputtering out what words she could form. "I-i-i...just...paid s-some of the bills early..."
"Oh. Alright sweetheart. Just make sure you're saving some up to."
"O-okay dad. I'm gonna...go to bed..."
"What? No time to spend with your old man?"
"I...had a rough shift doing inventory," Jecka's amber orbs stared lifelessly at the floor, her body angled just away enough from him that fleeing was still on the table. "A-and Emily is taking me to a concert tomorrow."
"A CONCERT?! YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY ON A FUCKING-"
"DAD! S-she's paying for it all I swear!"
"DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT YOUR FATHER JESSICA!"
"Im not t-trying t-to...I'm s-sorry..."
"Alright sweetie. Go get some sleep then."
A quick jaunt up the stairs proved far easier than any conversation with her dad as usual. The weight of her day and his insane episodes gradually rolled off her shoulders as she showered thankfully. Warm water was always a weird miracle cure for her, even if it was short lived. Plus by the time she was out of the shower, that new album should be fully on her iPod. A few winces scrunched up face as she washed, having forgotten last nights new...drawings? Yeah, that could work. If she was still ten. Jesus fucking Christ. She can't even admit to herself what this has turned into. She turned to reach for the conditioner bottle, hand pausing slightly as it passed her shaving razor...maybe no shaving tonight. A sobering thought to work through, while she still was at least. Nope. Too sober. Jecka's arm snuck out from behind the curtain, worming through the cabinet door for her hidden stash. A few swigs of shitty vodka would at least make the warm water feel better.
Shaving still ended up happening, hands somehow steadier as the alcohol settled in her stomach with nothing to soak it up. Hunger had felt like a lost concept for a while, only eating on occasion when the habit forced itself back into her head. Mainly in the mornings, if she happened to be up for them. Gone was the up-and-at-'em Jecka who woke 2 hours before school started, her main focus now laying on dodging the sack of shit downstairs as much as humanly possible. At least she kinda slept better, or longer rather. Kept the days more concise, efficient. She didn't even flinch as the razor nicked her skin a few times, didn't even acknowledge it until the water under her legs started to tinge actually red. Huh. Oh well. Skinny jeans day tomorrow.
She didn't even bother fawning over the small cuts like she'd gotten used to doing with Nicole, just let them stop on their own as she strode back into her room to find something comfortable for bed. The stash bottle had followed of course, it was too risky to go swipe something with her dad still being lucid enough to come at her as soon as she got home. She approached a crossroads standing at the foot of her bed. Phone first, or music? In further contrast to her old self, Jecka snatched up her iPod first, fingers subconsciously carrying up the razor below it as well. She pulled on a worn out pink hoodie, it's cuffs thoroughly frayed from her picking over the past few months, hems stained by ash. It bore that comforting musk that she had once likened to air fresheners. The words echoed in the back of her mind, as Jecka slid the window up a little repeating the conversation to herself as clearly as if the memory was just yesterday. Something felt off beyond the recollections though. three cigarettes this quickly after work felt like a little much, even for her. Jecka stared down as she smoked, wishing the house had a third story to...pass on that one, too messy, consistent. Fuck she was even starting to sound like her. Her nails looked like shit from the recent mounting stressors, a repaint was overdue, especially if she was being dragged out tomorrow. Phone still silent, showing nothing. Fuck it.
She called Emily.
"Impatient much?" the alt girl giggled instead of answering normally.
"Just trying to go to bed soon."
"It's at night Jecka, you don't need to be up early."
"I gotta call out at least four hours before my shift Em. Gotta be up at like...fuck...9?"
"Damn what kinda fascist fucking rule is that?"
"Emily can you even explain fascism."
"America. If you really know how to look at it."
"We literally vote."
"And shit still doesn't get better and cops suck. That's enough for me."
"Whatever. What time are you coming by tomorrow?"
"Well I was hoping you could drive us if I paid for gas."
"I don't even know where we're going!" Fuck. There goes getting fucked up. "What happened to your car?"
"Just a flat and I don't wanna drive to D.C. on a spare. I can drive one way if you want, make it more fair."
"Uuuuhhhh...we'll see. At least I can put on my music for once."
"Sure sure sure. Whatever you want princess."
"Em."
"You remember where I live, yeah?"
"Think so. Over by Kelly, like a neighborhood over. Red door?"
"That's the one. Come by at like I don't know...five-ish?"
"Fuck. When's the show start then?"
"Doors open at 7:30. Plus we gotta pick up two more."
"Who?"
"People. Night Jecka!!~"
Emily really needed to stop being full of surprises. And stop hanging up abruptly. That shit was annoying. With another stick burned down to the mark, Jecka sipped her sharpie juice instead. All of the night's chores were handled now. All that was left to do was finish this album, that was at least something to be excited for. Or try to. The bottle had been mostly full during shower, by the time the album was over it was empty. The vodka fueling the streaks trailing off of her limp arms. Small thoughts wriggled through the layered hazes of Jecka's vices. Black sweatpants had been a smart move. She needed darker towels. The sweatshirt was already kinda ruined. Simple shit. The album was phenomenal though, an excellent distraction to draw her mind away from the bad habits she'd never meant to develop. She wondered if they had anything else good. Her laptop felt miles away in her inebriated state but reason never prevailed at times like this. Fingers clumsily brought her to youtube and other websites to find the rest of their discography. She had to suffer through a fair number of awfully edgy lyrics videos though Within an hour of drunken, unfettered internet access, Jecka had shelled out another few bucks on her card to by Killing with a Smile from the same band as well.
Sleep claimed her at some point in the middle of a song called Sleepwalker. Irony spoken of only in catchy radio songs.
Remembering where Emily's house was proved to be way easier than getting ready beforehand. Jecka had once again woken up with a bunch of shit to cover up that she didn't remember causing or doing. And a mean hangover. Amplified by Parkway's harsh vocals pounding into her skull because for the first time ever her earbuds had stayed in all night. What luck. Whatever. Work band tee, leather jacket, black jeans and she was good to go. Nope. Fuck. Make up. Hunched over the vanity with her outfit already put together made her options are lot more limited. Especially since she'd hardly bothered to buy any makeup since high school. Too much shit had happened to be bothered. Light blush, dark red lipstick, thick eyeliner. Good enough. She rushed out the front door before her dad could say much of anything. Somehow he'd forgotten all his own screaming from the night before, she backed out of the drive and left before he could manage to stumble out of the door after her. She pulled over a block or two away to put on her music before continuing on. Deep Blue could wait until she picked up Emily, Jeck found herself wanting to try and surprise the alt girl with how her tastes had evolved. And whoever they had to pick up along the way, identities of whom she still hadn't pieced together.
The red door loomed at her while she sat in the security of her car. Knocking on it was the point of no return for today. She could still back out. The unknown of who else was coming ate at her gut, stirred up last night's dinner of raw vodka with a side of depression playlist. Before she could work up the nerve to make a decision, the door opened on it's own. Emily was screaming back into the house as she backed towards Jecka's pink Camry. Well...mostly pink, the new bumper was white and she didn't have the money for another paint job but it was better and less trashy than having nothing there.
"Heeeyyy bitch!~" Emily half-yelled as she suffocated Jecka with a disheveled nest of platinum blonde.
"Uugh pfpth pfpth. God why does your hair go everywhere except your head? Holy fuck."
"You like iiiiitttt."
"Whatever helps you sleep Em. Where are we going next?"
"Uuuuhhh one sec. She texted me the address. I've only been there once so far and i was fucked up."
Anxious fingers drummed loudly on the steering wheel as Emily wiggled about in the side seat while she scoured messages. She looked more put together than Jecka thought she herself did. An almost demeaning thought if the alt girl wasn't so damn pretty. The striping in her bangs was freshly redone, all her clothes fit perfectly, almost matching Jecka's own outfit except for the different belts and lack of a jacket. Different band shirts too but who was actually gonna notice that unless they were hardcore creeping or a snob.
"Got it. You remember where the Wendy's is?"
"Unfortunately."
"Near there. 2300 Roosevelt, apartment D."
"Apartment?" Jecka asked flatly as she restarted the engine and pulled off of the curb.
"Shitty one but it's cool they got their own place."
"Who?"
"I told you. Secret."
Jecka scowled, not too much though only just enough to send a message. Her eyes rarely wandered off the road anymore, wouldn't let a night like that one happen again.
"No music?"
"You can turn on the radio, but if you're keeping secrets about people, I'm keeping my music secret until they get in the car."
"Laaaaammmeee!~ Why'd you text me sayin' you had something new if you were just gonna be a tease?"
"Because it's funny."
Emily tried the radio for eight stations before she gave up. Nothing good was ever on to her ears anymore, and Jecka found herself largely agreeing. Sometimes and old hit or two would play at night but not enough to bother otherwise. Luckily, by the time she'd given up, they were only a few more minutes away. Silence came in meager quantities in Jecka's life now, if Em let it last, she'd savor it.
The pink camry came to a stop in one of the seedier parts of town, beyond the sidewalk stood a row of bland beige apartments, all identical and in various levels of neglect. The paint chipped, porches slightly rotted, moss and mold clinging to every roof. Amber eyes surveyed the neighborhood as Emily tacked away at her phone's keyboard, the plastic rippling being the only sound in or outside the car.
"They're on their way."
To Jecka's horror she immediately recognized who she was picking up. A limping redhead leaning heavily on a dark clad Nicole.
Oh fuck.
"Emily what the fuck is this?!" the raven-haired girl shouted, one arm shifting to steady Ari who reeled from her erratic motions.
"A ride? My car's flat. I told you."
Jecka sat paralyzed, even her lungs were unwilling to move on their own. Her pulse thundered in her temples, vision skewing as her chest began to burn. Emily exited the car, taking Nicole aside to argue where she thought Jecka couldn't hear. She could but she didn't want to focus on it. Her eyes stared at the mirror, at the reflection of Ari's hand leaning against her trunk. The redhead's slender fingers flexed and tapped, clearly anxious as well, her weight shifted repeatedly, never lingering on one foot for more than a minute or two. The arguing pair returned to the side of her car, with Nicole's knuckles rapping at the window. Jecka rolled the window down after a tense pause.
"You sober?"
"...Yeah."
"Stayin' that way?"
Jecka could only manage a nod.
"Shit...fine. Fuck it. Need help in Ari?"
"I got it," the redhead squeaked through a shiver.
Jecka turned the radio back on as she pulled back onto the road proper, not wanting to engage with the blue eyes burning into the back of her head. They made it to the freeway towards the capital before anyone spoke up. Jecka tried her best to keep her voice stable while breaking the tense silence.
"So how have you two been?"
"Fine," came Nicole's curt response, icy stare still fixated on Jecka's driving.
"Barely not crippled," muttered Ari.
"Oh...I'm glad you're doing better Ari."
"Whatever," the redhead turned her attention back to the passing cars.
"Can you at least put something good on Jecka? Christ you know the radio fuckin' blows."
"Oh! Right! Em can you grab the new CD?"
"What? Why me?"
"Because I'm driving?"
"Uggghhh. Where'd you stuff it?"
"In here," the half-blonde said, lifting her elbow to let her friend into the armrest's compartment.
"Ooooh shit. That's crazy."
"W-what? I thought you'd like it since it's heavier. And I listened to it last night, Nicole would probably dig it too."
"Jeck...nah fuck it. You're right."
"What were you gonna say?"
"Nothinnnnnn'~" Emily smirked as she popped the case open. "Nicky you're gonna love this." Fuckin' knew it.
"I need a fucking cigarette if you two are gonna get weird up front."
"Tell that to Emily, I'm not doing shit," Jecka jabbed back. "Plus last I checked Ari doesn't smoke so that's out."
"I don't give a fuck but thanks for speaking for me," the redhead spat as she tightened her crossed arms further.
Jecka let it go, the chugs of Samsara were just starting to hit and she wanted to have as good of a night as this good be. Worst case scenario she could hang out with just Emily or fuck off on her own and try to score...wait. Nope. Can't even do that. Even if Emily offered to drive back, she made a loose agreement with the girl burning holes in her head. The thoughts vanished quickly as Jecka's fingers synced up to the galloping beat of Sleepwalker's intro drums, her mouth whispering the lyrics to herself as the riffs picked up. She turned up the volume without realizing it, her peripherals catching the amusing sight of Emily's air drumming as the song carried on. At the bridge she and Emily both reared their heads slightly, both delivering a rasping imitation of McCall's cleaner scream on the downbeat.
"NOT ONE MORE STEP," they sang in unison.
"In the name of progress! In the name of blind ambition!" Emily continued the verse through the end of the song.
"How the fuck am I supposed to feel," Jecka rejoined her for the final lines with a grin. "When everything I know lies broken at my feet?!"
Both girls laughed together, prodding at one another over their tone and lame attempts at harsh vocals as Wreckage began playing. Jecka's lazy foot was easily following the kick pattern, as the two natural blondes began gushing back and forth about what song was the best on the disc. To her credit, Jecka's eyes rarely left the road beyond her mirrors, infrequently using the opportunities to glance back at the two curmudgeons in her back seat. She could feel Nicole's leg bouncing too, betraying the harsh coldness of the rest of her demeanor. Ari seemed more into it than the black-haired girl, head bobbing and fingers tapping along to Karma's blast beats. Jecka had never pictured the redhead being into something this heavy but then again, she wouldn't have been one for it either. For all the tension lingering, Jecka let herself got lost in the music, lending a lot of her comfort to Emily's insistence on staying upbeat and into the jam.
When the album finished and Samsara began to repeat, Emily quickly popped the disc out and returned it to the case.
"Got any more of theirs?"
"Uuhhh. On my iPod yeah."
"Oh shit! Where's your aux?"
"My parent's bought this thing for a teenager em, I'm lucky it has A/C."
"Fuck."
"I have another CD though..."
"Oh? Which?"
"It's the plain mauve one."
"The fuck is mauve?"
"Purply pink. I don't fuckin' know. It's called Portraits of Past or something."
Emily rummaged through the cluttered compartments of Jecka's car. It was the one thing she definitely needed to keep tidier. Jecka was sure Em had dumped at least six or seven empty Camel packs on the floor in her search before she found the next disc.
"Who even is this? I've never heard of them," the alt girl flipped over the pretty featureless case with curiosity. "There's no insert or tack list."
"Don't know. Just saw it at work and picked it up on sale and discount."
"1996? You tryin' to be a metal snob already?"
"It's good I swear."
"You have no clue who it is or where they're from though?"
"Pretty sure the album is self-titled," came a voice from the back seat. Nicole leaned forward, nudging Jecka's arm out of the way with her forehead. "San Francisco area."
"One, who the fuck can live in San Francisco and make metal this heavy? Two, how the fuck do you know that?"
"Jecka you know my dad taught me guitar and listened to everything."
"Favorite song off the album?"
"You first."
"Implications of a Sinkhole Personality. You?"
"Pass. I gotta find a new one now."
"Bitch fuck off. We've liked a lot of the same stuff before."
"Yeah but you're tainting it with Smallville."
"Nicole we literally marathoned it so you'd be caught up for the final season this fall," Ari interjected.
It was Jecka's turn to toss an icy look backwards, but then Sinkhole started playing so she simmered. They shouldn't have been on it yet, Bang Yer Head was over seven minutes long, but she'd caught Emily's finger lingering on the skip button. The alt girl held a knowing look on her face as Jecka settled back in her seat. When Outlook is Bleak began Nicole had stopped showing as much restraint, allowing her own air playing to take over. The half-blonde didn't know guitar well enough to say for certain but the bends of the other emo girls hands suggested she knew the chords well.
This turned out to be the nicest drive she'd had in a while, barring last night's horizon-broadening venture into metalcore.
"Huh. The line's longer than I expected," Emily muttered as the four friends meandered up to the venue.
"Still haven't told us who we're here to see, schizo," Nicole quipped as she shifted closer to her friends, keeping an arm out for Ari to lean on. The half-blonde swallowed a pang of jealousy seeing it, seeing the two so attached to each other. The
"Well I don't know who the opener is but then it's Suicide Silence-"
"Fuck YES Emily!" Nicole leapt out of Ari's grip for a second, before drooping at the realization of her mistake as the redhead wobbled.
"-And Parkway Drive."
"Oh FUCK yeah!" Jecka shouted, a little too loud as a few greasy heads turned in their direction.
"You've already listened to more than Deep Blue?" Nicole raised a brow at her exclamation.
"Uuuhh yeahh? Is that weird?"
"Just surprised. Hearing Deep Blue makes sense because it came out a few weeks ago, figured you picked up because of work."
"Actually I found it at FYE while I was on break. Never seen it at my store."
"The fuck? And you just bought for no reason?"
Jecka's face paled, something much more visible under her reduced makeup application. She couldn't just admit here and now that she only bought the CD because it reminded her of Nicole in a really gay way. Definitely not with the redhead that had supposedly broken up with her clinging to her arm like a lost puppy.
"I liked the album art."
"That is the most Kelly answer you could've ever given," the same redhead chuckled.
This line was taking too long.
Once inside, Nicole and Emily made a mad dash for the merch tables while the openers set up, leaving Ari alone with Jecka.
The latter of whom immediately saw the weight shifting start up again. Every shift came with a wince that stung at her own heart. It was her fault for sure. Ari was probably permanently injured, all because she couldn't deal with her own shit.
"Hey uhh...you can lean on me too. I-if you need to," the words barely made it out intact. Jecka cocked an elbow in the same manner she'd watch Nicole do when she first saw the duo earlier.
"I'm fine," Ari was back to being cold. It was fine, expected even.
"I can tell you're not. I'm just offering until Nicole gets back, then you can lean on your girlfriend again. Want you to have a good time too," the half-blonde forced the warmest smile she could manage.
"I...alright..." the redhead took her arm gingerly. "She's not my girlfriend though."
"She's not? But you're so..."
Ari shook her head, "She's helping me with...everything. Said she feels partially responsible for the accident and because of when we did date."
"Oh...uh. Sorry I assumed."
"I get it."
"I'm sorry too."
"I know."
"What? I didn't even-"
"Think I didn't notice you constantly checking on me during the drive? Plus," the redhead wiggled the captive arm. "this also shows it. It's not hollow shit like words."
"Oh."
"Don't get me wrong, I don't know if I'll forgive you. Now or ever. But I'd be a cunt not acknowledge it."
"Thanks, Ari."
"Yeah."
The openers were fine, neither girl was blown away. But they were tolerable. The bassist looked nervous as shit, eyes always on his instrument. The vocalist had a few clearly unintentional voice cracks. It was messy but Emily insisted that's how it should be when she returned. The alt girl bounced to every song regardless of how choppy it got. Ari returned to Nicole's arm with a smile, a silent signal to her that things had been talked about that Jecka didn't catch until later. The less energetic three stayed to the sides of the venue floor as Emily flew in out of circle pits as they formed. Jecka was pretty sure she saw the wild girl in the literal air at least once. Once the opening act finished, Nicole leaned into Jecka's ear for a whisper.
"Got smokes on you?"
The half-blonde nodded, her ears still numb and ringing.
"Em, can you take care of Ari for a few?"
"Obvi," Emily shot back, eagerly taking the redhead's other arm.
Nicole dragged her friend outside, trading a working, normal ass lighter for a cigarette. Jecka lit them both out of old habits, noticing the slight twitch in her emo friend's eyes.
"So what's going on with you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Y'know what," Nicole waved her arms at Jecka's...everything. "This whole look."
"Work. You and Em picked up on that fast before."
"The music?"
"I already to you that. Some of it was work, Deep Blue was just because I liked the art."
"Huh."
"What?"
Nicole took a long drag, almost half the remaining stick. Held it for way longer than normal until it spilled from her nose. Her eyes stared across the street, clearly landing somewhere completely different.
"You're not telling me the whole truth."
"What makes you say that?"
"You never used to be this cagey. You used to talk forever about anything. Honestly I miss it. I can only listen to Ari ramble about fandoms like Smallville or Supernatural for so long before I start to lose what few braincells I got left."
"The blue."
"That's it?"
"It reminded me of you. I've missed you and it looked like something I'd see in your room so I bought it."
"Why didn't you say that then?"
"What do you mean? I told you at least ten times I missed you."
"People say shit all the time Jecka. Why'd you dodge the question in the car?"
Cheers began to erupt inside as guitars faded in.
"Your band's starting."
"You're dodging again."
"So?"
"I've heard them before."
The world fell away from Jecka's feet. She wasn't ready to confront this. Not here. Not now. Not ever really. It was something she'd always shoved down every time it tried to bubble up. The dingy alleyways of D.C. weren't the best place to admit how deeply in love you were with you're best friend. Not to her or yourself. It felt sloppy and messy. Nicole's eyes caught hers as she tried and failed to stand up from the wall, her boots catching an odd crack. A trained hand kept her up, pulled her gaze back.
"Well?"
"I thought you and Ari were back together and I didn't wanna start shit."
"Hhmph. Nah, we're not."
"I know that now."
"So why dodge again?"
Jecka crushed her cigarette out with a similar huff.
"Your band, then a smoke. And THEN maybe I'll be numb enough to tell you."
"Careful. Think the music is turning you into me."
Jecka grabbed the girl's right forearm, the one she knew was less favored, and dragged her back into the venue. She had no idea who Suicide Silence was but Nicole's sudden excitement in the ground was intoxicating. More than any drug or drink she could've tried to sweet talk her way into. Nicole guided them halfway back to Ari and Em after the first song before she caught Ari waving her away with a smile. Jecka cast a confused look back, only getting covered giggles back as Nicole took her own opportunity to drag the half-blonde back towards the crowd.
Once in a while Jecka would catch a song title from Mitch's mouth, probably the only clearly spoken parts of his act, if she didn't Nicole would be sure to show her at some point. The two headbanged to the music in unison, bodies bumping at the most nostalgic of angles. Every touch sent lightning through Jecka's skin, part of her attributed it to the music but instead of falling into old habits, she quashed the thought. The music helped, but it all stemmed from her best friend, from having Nicole back and at her side, with a newfound shared interest that wasn't just getting fucked up.
She watched with wonder as Nicole belted out every line of The Price of Beauty, screamed every measure of No Pity for a Coward. Jecka could feel the songs that meant the most to her, that was the special part to her. She'd need to learn those somehow, this sight alone was something to cling to forever. Every locked gaze, every synced motion, every misstep into the pit that they could never seem to avoid. It was all worth the few months of feeling lost.
The band stepped back up for one encore song before the next set, announcing it as a new song for their next album. The crowd cheered without having even heard it. A hand brushed over Jecka's shoulder causing her head to whip to see Emily and Ari right there with them. Ari moved past her and took up Nicole's other side. All four of them linked arms to stay sturdy in the thrashing crowd.
"This song is called You Only Live Once so GET THE FUCK UP!!" Mitch screamed into the mic as the intro chords picked up.
The whole song was intense, the double bass, the solos. All of it still felt messy like Emily had said. Didn't have the same polish that the others did. It was just better. Amateur as she was to the genre and the scene, Jecka loved it, wouldn't have traded this moment for anything. Her eyes weren't on the performance though. They stayed shifting between her friends as they all swayed together, enough to feel the song but not too much to strain Ari. They all caught on to the last repeating line at the same time, joining in with the final two repetitions as loud as they could manage.
"Holy fuuuuuck."
"I don't think cigs are gonna help your throat after that Nicole."
"Eh, I can taste blood and it feels raw, that means nicotine is even more direct right?"
"I don't know if that's how it works.
"Nah. Probably just means I'll get super cancer or something," even the girl's low chuckle came out raspy.
"Just don't get it too soon. We gotta do more of these."
"Yeah?"
"I mean why not?"
"Nothin'. Just surprised you're not scared off already."
Jecka exhaled a drag with her eyes to the night sky. She had no reason to be scared off. All she needed was right in front of her.
"Not yet."
"Hm. Gonna answer my actual question now?"
" 'Bout why I didn't answer during the last intermission?"
"Mhm."
Ice stared into her soul again, not an unwelcoming cold this time. It was that kind of temperature that was just right when the cold was needed. The warmest thing Nicole had probably ever managed in their time together. Jecka wanted to fall into those eyes, stay swaddled by that sensation creeping through her bones.
"Thought you'd laugh or something. Maybe worse."
"Why?"
"You don't often take stuff seriously. You know that."
"I take you seriously when I think I should. But actually I meant why'd you think it might be worse? I can laugh if something's cheesy, that's kinda natural."
"Because when you stopped replying it hit me."
"What did?"
"That I..."
The elder emo crushed out her stick on the pavement before moving closer, unsure why Jecka was suddenly without her normal ability to blather through anything. She didn't speak, just maintained that same deep gaze. Jecka's breaths iezed in her throat. It took everything in her being to not kiss the girl right there. To scream out everything wrong with her life now. To scream about how lost she'd felt without Nicole by her side. Her right hand clamped onto the opposite wrist, twisting. Winces crinkled her face again as she forgot why the habit had formed in the first place. She tried to swing her arms away as those icy blues flicked slightly off her own eyes, the slightest minutia of movement.
Too late.
Nicole caught her weak wrist with ease, eyes widening ever so slightly as Jecka winced again.
"When did that start?"
"What?"
"Jecka."
"I don't remember. It just kinda happened one night. Then more and more. I don't usually remember even doing it."
"Jecka...you're doing that drunk with no like...experience? Fuck that sounds more morbid than I meant."
She tried again to withdraw her hand but Nicole tightened. Not enough to hurt, only enough to stop her. She already knew Jecka too well again, even if she felt like she was different.
"Like I said, didn't intend to. Just happened."
"Why?"
"Why do you think?"
"because we stopped talking? That's-"
"Because I was in love with you. Still am."
"You?"
"Yes, Nicole. Me. The one who said all that fucked up shit because she couldn't figure her own shit out. Couldn't accept that she was in love with her best friend. I love you. And then one day you were just gone and it was all my fucking fault!"
Deliver Me began to rumble through the building as tears streamed down Jecka's face. The raven-haired girl looked shellshocked, mouth hanging slightly open. Jecka couldn't stop staring at those lips once she saw it, wanted nothing more than to kiss her and never let go again.
"Jecka...why didn't you..." Nicole stopped herself.
She knew why Jecka never mentioned it before. The pieces finally clicked. Why Jecka had been so mad during the crash, why she'd given her so much shit for how she treated Ari when they'd briefly dated, why she herself had nearly ended their friendship over it.
"I didn't mention it-"
"Because of Ari. Again...kinda."
"Yeah. I didn't want to be treated like that."
"I wouldn't have. You wouldn't have let me."
"Neither of us know that for sure."
"I mean...I don't even want to treat you like that, never considered it," Nicole's thumb had slipped under her disguise bracelets by now. She stood these mindlessly massaging the fresh bumps with a tenderness Jecka had never experienced. "I'm sorry I was so fucked up I scared you so bad that it caused...all of this."
"It's done, Nicole. Can't be changed."
"You can't say that looking like this."
"Like what?"
"Different. You've changed."
"You're upset about it."
"I'm upset that you're taking after me. Not that you've changed. Jecka, I'll literally always love you."
"You...what?"
"You think you're the only one that got scared?"
Jecka didn't think. Couldn't. Couldn't let this slip away again. As the ringing first plucks of Anasasis faded in, the half-blonde threw herself into Nicole's arms, wrapping their lips together as tightly as her own arms around her neck. Relief swelled when Nicole didn't pull away, only shifting to hold them both up as Jecka's height threatened to send them into the pavement. Jecka clung to her lips like the only clean air on Earth existed within her, even if that air tasted like cigarettes. Neither girl broke off until their lungs demanded release, and even in that moment they stayed entwined, clinging to each other as the one rock above water in the other's storm. Dulled fire and tepid ice would mix a lot better than the extremes they'd been before.
The drums leading into Karma rattled off as the two returned to the venue floor hand in hand. Warm smiles from their friends greeted them at the edge of it all before Nicole pushed Jecka further into the crowd. She was eager to show the amateur all of what this side of music had to offer. Nicole eyes got lost in the moment, every second spent staring at Jecka as she jumped and sang along to every song Parkway Drive played. The elder emo's heart lurched with pride and jealousy as Jecka mimicked Winston's cleans in Picture Perfect, Pathetic, pride swelling greater as the newly baptised metal fan nailed the screams at the end of the song.
"You're like a shotgun baby,
Pointed at my head
And those lips are suicide but I,
Just wanna see you dead!"
Nicole swept the girl up in her arms as she tried to regain her breath. Poor thing had definitely gotten a bit too lost in the moment herself.
"You never told me your favorite song by them y'know?"
"What?!"
"Favorite song?!"
Jecka pointed to the stage with a smile as the last song of the set began. The smile reflected across Nicole's face, obviously they'd have the same taste here too. Both girls belted every bar to each other, matching each other's every sway and headbang throughout the whole piece. Their gazes fixed on each other once again as the final lines repeated, singing them to each other with all the breath they had left.
"Will you fucking bleed for me,
When suicide seems so yesterday?"
Jecka and Nicole crashed into each other one last time for their outing, but not for the night. A frantic and passionate kiss desperate to make up for lost time and so many feelings once held at bay by fear, now laid bare for the other to embrace and cling to.