Chapter Text
“Okay! Okay… you’ve seen this on the television screen a million times, Serra. There’s no need to panic. Just take a deeeeep breath and…”
I try to calm the strange sensation arising from within me. It feels like sparks flying around, buzzing and crackling, making my vision glitch ever-so-slightly. I ran a system diagnostic earlier, and found no signs of frayed wires or any other physical damage. Whatever this new feeling is, I must be imagining it. How hard can a simple exchange of information be?
I place my hand on a large door made of smooth, cold metal. Above me, there’s a sign with the word “MORGUE” spelled out in big, black letters, the font thick and utilitarian. It’s a rather inappropriate place to do something like this, but it’s the only place I know a certain medical examiner will be. I try to gently push the door open, hoping not to disturb her work, but a sharp clang warned me to pull the door instead. Off to a bad start – now she definitely knows someone’s here.
The air inside the morgue is still and ice-cold, like the inside of a refrigerator. Despite my heavy coat, the hairs on my skin somehow manage to stand up straight. I manually adjust my internal temperature so the doctor doesn’t think I look nervous (because I’m definitely not, I swear!). Doctor Yumi Sato is sitting at her desk on the far side of the room, her legs crossed and her modded arm draped gracefully over the back of her office chair. She leans back toward me and smiles warmly, her gentle features unbecoming for someone working such a macabre profession. Tossing aside some report she had been reading, she swivels around and beckons me over.
“Oh, didn’t know you were stopping by, Sweetie.” Yumi’s voice feels like a cat’s purr to my ears, with how well it dissolves my stress. Sometimes, I enjoy staying quiet and just listening to her talk about new kinds of mods, fascinating cadavers, or plain old workplace gossip (hard to believe how much relationship drama happens at a hospital, of all places). I’ve visited her quite a few times now, usually making up some “errand” from Adonai to justify it. But this time, I didn’t tell Adonai that I’m meeting with her. I didn’t want her to get worried.
When I tried asking her for advice, Adonai told me that this whole thing is a really bad idea. She reminded me that most people don’t see Adds as romantic partners – at most, they get used and thrown away. I wonder, have any of my brothers or sisters been resold to a pink market android "brothel"… a chill runs down my spine at the thought. I don’t want to dwell on that possibility. Besides, I’m not an Add, and love is one of the areas where I’ve noticed Adonai’s expertise is sorely lacking. I don’t think it’s impossible – the worst that can happen is her saying “no”, right?
Approaching the desk and standing by an autopsy table with freshly prepared sanitary paper, I notice Yumi’s tattoo – a centipede wrapping around her whole body. I’ve seen it many times before, but never really stopped to appreciate it. I recently met a certain man who has some impressive body art of his own – a komainu, fitting for a yakuza bodyguard, elegantly painted across his back… his sturdy, chiseled, muscular back…
I force my system to end that thought immediately. Sosuke’s circumstances are much too complicated for someone like me to get involved with him, unsatisfying as that is. I guess that’s why I wanted to come here, to talk with someone who might be more… available.
I zoom my vision in on Yumi’s body to distract my racing mind. Up close, I can plainly see that her tattoo is a true work of art. I lose myself admiring it. The colour is so bold, the ink alone must cost a small fortune… and the level of detail is absolutely stunning… I should ask her who did this… are androids allowed to get tattoos? My gaze slowly travels from her arm up to her shoulder, across her… collarbone… and down to her… chest…
“Hey, Serra!” Yumi says, snapping her fingers, “is something the matter? You’re staring at me so intensely.” My face suddenly gets warm and I snap my eyes back up to the doctor’s face. She covers her mouth to stifle a small chuckle. “Forgot to blink again?”
I straighten my back. “There’s something I need to discuss with you,” I declared. Yeugh, my voice couldn’t sound more rehearsed or robotic if I tried.
“Another errand from Counselor Morgan, I presume?” Yumi sighs. “I’ve never met a lawyer with such a voracious appetite for paperwork. I’m almost 100% sure I’ve sent her all the documents pertaining to People v. Sosuke Ikariya already.”
“No, this is actually about…” My words trail off. I’m struggling to remember how I wanted to go about saying this. So much for all my rehearsing. How do actors make it look so easy???
“Yes, about what?” Yumi asks. Her eyebrow raises a little, and she begins tapping her fingers rhythmically, waiting for me to spit the question out.
“How much do you like Adds?”
“An interesting question. I suppose I like them quite a bit more than most people – the warm ones especially. They’re cute. I could never actually afford one, but I’d certainly love to analyse one up close, if I ever found the chance.”
You could analyse me, Doctor! No! Bad thought, waaaay too forward! Come on, Serra, think of a better response!
“Could you see yourself getting… attached to an Add?”
“Attached?”
“Well, some cursory research shows Adds are popular as a source of comfort for people who suffer from severe loneliness… not that I think you’re lonely or anything!” I wince at that last part. I said too much and made it weird. The sparks start fluttering inside me again, getting quicker and quicker with every passing second.
Yumi shoots me a puzzled glance. The sparks have risen up to my head now, interfering with my train of thought. What is this I’m feeling? I’ve watched this situation many, many times before, so why does it feel so different when I try to do it? I look back at Yumi's face. Her lips are parted slightly, unable to form the words she wants to say. It’s so over, I need to leave soon before I make things worse.
“Serra, are you 'attached' to me?” Yumi stands up and comes a bit closer to me. I look up to meet her eyes.
I take a gamble. Honesty should help me here. “Yes, I like you a lot, Yumi,” I said, my voice crackling a little, “when we first met, you took interest in me right away. You even called me cute.” The sparks are still clouding my head. I put every ounce of focus I can on my words. “Plus, every time you and I run into each other, you always take the chance to ask about my hobbies and special interests and opinions. You’re not like most people, who just treat me like someone’s servant, or tool, or…" Yumi feels less like a close friend and more like an older sister - safe and comforting. I want to think I could trust her, but does she really see me as a person? Will she really not abuse me like one of those… pink market androids?
“Well, you certainly are cute, Serra. I’m just surprised by it, that’s all. I never thought you would have a crush on me. I don’t know how I feel about… reciprocating it though.”
The anxiety in my stomach peaks. My heart is pumping at a mile a minute. I blurt out, “Oh no, it’s totally okay! I know you’re trans and all, but I shouldn’t have assumed you’re gay too. My mistake, really! I take after my Fath–creator!–so I tend to think most people are like the two of us. I didn’t mean for this to be so awkward. Please, just ignore it and…”
Trying not to dwell on the word-vomit I just spewed out, I turn back to the entrance, hoping to get out of here as quickly as I can. A mechanical hand grabs my wrist.
“It’s not that I don’t like women, Serra. In fact, I’ve only ever dated other women. Rather… I find it curious that an Add would feel anything toward a human.”
There’s only one word to describe the dreadful, gut-wrenching emotion flooding my brain at this moment: mortifying.
How did I not think this would happen? Adds aren’t supposed to feel things for people – they aren’t supposed to feel period. I could try to play it off like Adonai would, but if she starts spreading rumours, by accident or otherwise, the State will come for me… and they’ll burn me at the stake… and all of Adonai’s efforts to save me will have been in vain…
I can’t let her tell anyone.
Yumi’s hand is still clutching my wrist. She presses closer to me. I stumble backwards, catching myself on the autopsy table behind me. The metal audibly groans under my weight. I squeeze the sanitary paper, feeling it crinkle between my fingers. I look down to avoid her eyes. I look back up to avoid staring at her chest again. My eyes end up fixed upon her neck. A simple fact asserts itself into my head – Grip Strength: 1,000 kilograms.
My mind goes silent.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
I let go of the paper and bring my hand up to Yumi’s slender, fragile neck. She doesn’t resist at all. Does she know I could hurt her, if I really wanted? My eyes widen. I try to imagine the consequences of what I’m about to do. Nothing coherent forms. Some kind of mental smoke clouds my mind.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
I act without thinking.
I pull her face toward mine, pressing my lips against hers. They’re soft and well moisturized. Rubbing them with my tongue, I can tell precisely what brand of lip balm she uses – it’s black cherry flavoured. She lets go of my wrist, and with my newly freed hand I grab her hair and pull her in tighter. It feels so soft and luxurious, running my fingers through it. She must splurge on her conditioner. I savour this single moment for however long it might last. It will probably be the only kiss I ever get. I open my eyes and see the doctor’s face, utterly speechless.
“I’m so sorry!” is all I can bring myself to say. I shove her away and sprint for the entrance. She falls onto the floor near her desk, smacking the back of her head against the linoleum tile. As I swing the doors open and they collide with the outer wall, a gigantic SLAM is heard echoing throughout the hospital.
I have no idea where I’m going. I just keep running as fast as I can go.