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There was a running joke between Titans and Justice League: to understand how fucked up the situation was, you just had to see which of Batman's child was called.
If Red Robin or Robin came, everything was fine. Less so if Spoiler came with Black Bat. A slight alarm was raised by Signal's presence.
Totally fucked if Red Hood was granted permission to be in the Watchtower.
Nightwing saw out of the corner of his eye the various Leaguers sigh with relief that he was there, and go back to their business.
Superman, on the other hand, knew. And he was obviously nervous. He knew that Dick had had to convince Jason at all costs to let him come, because the situation was getting genuinely ridiculous. He knew that Red Hood could at most destroy part of the Watchtower. Nightwing, on the other hand? He would make everyone regret their incompetence.
“Superman, this month this is the third time the League has contacted us for Batman ,” he began, raising an eyebrow, his voice diplomatic, but hiding ulterior motives that only someone who had watched him grow up could clearly detect. “What went wrong? Again?”
Nightwing looked at him with crossed arms, looking unimpressed.
Oh, it's not as if his hero worship of Superman had faded as he grew up. On the contrary, knowing Clark, Dick had become even more eager to impress him, and to be a good man like him.
But sometimes, even dealing with Superman was frustrating.
Superman at least had the decency to look embarrassed. “Look, this time it was an incident…”
“It's always an incident, Big Blue. Or a distraction. Or a moment of calm when you all let your guard down. Batman has protocols for a reason. Follow them!”
Who would have expected him to defend Bruce's paranoia with all his might? As a kid, Dick didn't understand. He thought it was all over the top. Now, with more experience and after the third call in two weeks, he understood.
Superman blushed. "We try, but..."
"But?"
"Some people are a little reluctant..."
Nightwing looked at him, shocked. " They'd rather have Batman kidnapped by some strange alien queen than listen to him?!"
Superman shrugged even more, in a somewhat unsuccessful attempt to make himself look smaller. "They were sirens this time. Circe..."
"I don't care if they were sirens, fairies, or something else, Big Blue! How is it possible that every time there's a League mission, Batman ends up kidnapped?"
There it was, the crux of the problem. No one thinks of Batman as a damsel in distress, and Dick was more than aware that the man could take care of himself. But sadly, the rest of the damned universe looked at his adoptive father and saw a delicious snack.
So damn gross.
The plans to prevent kidnappings and unwanted attention were for the benefit of everyone. Unfortunately, however, those who needed it most were often Batman, sometimes Green Arrow, and in memorable cases Hal Jordan, who, as far as troubled exes go, could compete with Bruce and have a good chance of winning.
“Well…Batman is a very charming man,” Superman admitted, eyed with disgust by Nightwing, who blurted out, “And that justifies everything?!”
“No, of course not! I meant…well…I understand why so many would want to...you know…”
“Superman…Kal-El...do you by any chance want to kidnap my dad too?” he tried to joke, but he looked at the Kryptonian as if trying to decide which type of death would be most appropriate for him.
Batman didn't kill, but he had never said anything about killing or seriously injuring.
“No!” Superman blushed, embarrassed. “I would never do that…”
“There, good. Keep your hands to yourself. Or, finally ask him out, for God's sake! You're disgusting!” he exclaimed, thinking mainly of Bruce's happiness and not because he wanted Superman as a stepfather. Who do you take him for?
At least, maybe the alien warlords, the Star Sapphires, Mongul, half of Apokolips, Dru-Zod, Superman Prime, Vandal Savage and others will finally get the memo to stay away from his dad!
He is an old man, for Heaven's sake!
Don't you have any shame?
And as for all the other creatures...well, Jason had the All Blade for a reason, right?
"Now, where are Zatanna and Diana? Batman was on a mission with them when it happened, right? I'd really like to have a chat with them," he sang, seemingly harmless, but Superman trembled. And the Kryptonian secretly begged Rao for mercy on his friends.
They needed it.