Chapter Text
January 7, 2019 - Montreal
The shower was running in the bathroom as Shane pulled the small box from its hidden place in the back of his massive walk-in closet. He had waited until certain his boyfriend would be occupied to steal a few minutes of privacy. This had become his once-a-month ritual for the past two years. It was harder now that his boyfriend was living with him. Not exactly living with him, but he was here often enough that this secret habit became harder. He pulled out the cellphone and powered it on.
The phone was basically empty because he didn’t use it anymore. He only kept it because he couldn’t bring himself to throw it away. That felt too permanent and he wasn’t ready. Yes even after two years.
There were exactly six photos and one contact number saved. The photos were of him and Ilya presenting an award together, in Vegas, five years ago. It brought back so many feelings, good and bad. He needed to feel the grief in his chest, the reminder that what he felt for Ilya wasn’t just his imagination.
He lingered through the six photos as he waited for the messages to load, very aware that he was holding his breath. Of course there weren’t any. Ilya and Shane had always been careful to delete all of them. Fearful of being outed if someone ever read them. Still, he opened the contact ‘Lily’ to check. Just to be sure. Once a month. Just to torture himself.
He leaned against the wall and looked at the screen hoping this time would be the time something would be there. A new message. A new something. Even if ‘Lily’ just told him to go fuck himself it would be better than the nothing that stretched him through time and a fading memory of what had been.
He hadn’t talked to Ilya since January 7, 2017 at the all-star game in Tampa. He had just broken things off with Rose Landry, worked up the nerves to confess to Ilya that he was gay, not bi-sexual, and completely embarrassed himself. Ilya had sat silently as Shane walked him through his plan to come out, only he wasn’t expecting the reaction from Ilya he received. “Why are you telling me this? This was nothing. You don’t love me and I don’t love you. Good luck with your plan Hollander.”
For Ilya it had just been sex. Shane was the one who made a big deal out of their fling. Shane was the only one who had crossed the line and fell in love. His confession to being gay had been enough to make Ilya get as far away from him as possible.
At the end of that season Ilya left Boston, traded to Los Angeles and married a woman. They had only played two games against each other since, and Ilya hadn’t looked at him once. No clever banter on the ice. No eye contact at the face off. No hits that lingered too long against the boards. In fact, Ilya would barely touch him at all, and Shane had gotten a few good scores because of it. That had its own sting, that Ilya didn’t even feel enough toward Shane to remain competitive. Ilya had rid himself of everything they’d once shared.
Shane was embarrassed by how much it still hurt him. Even now, standing alone in his closet, holding a phone he forced himself to no longer use, he was ashamed of how much he couldn’t let him go. He took a shuddering breath when he heard the shower water stop. He turned the phone off, placed it carefully in its box, stashed it away and went back to reality.
“Hey, are you all packed?” Sebastian asked while dripping onto the carpet. Shane hated when he did that. I mean really, how hard is it to dry off in the bathroom?
Shane officially came out as gay in the summer of 2018, not the summer of 2017 as originally planned. His team hadn’t taken it well but he had been in such a horrible mental fog that he wasn’t able to process the majority of it. He was still too heartbroken over Ilya to feel the weight of his teammate’s feelings.
Eventually it calmed down, a few other players came out and more time had passed. Nothing had ever really been the same since. This new chapter of his life, finally able to be himself, still marred by wounds that wouldn’t heal.
That summer he bought a new phone. He knew there was no way he would ever have the strength to delete “Lily” from his contacts or the far too rare pictures he had of them together. A new phone and phone number had been the remedy which ushered in a new way of figuring things out. That is what lead to the gay club he’d ventured into that ultimately led him to Sebastian.
Sebastian was gay in the way that only a person who had never had to live in secret could be. In a way it forced Shane out of his comfort zone. Nothing embarrassed Sebastian. He was the most carefree person Shane had ever met. He was gentle and kind and messy and always late and wore this terrible sticky lip gloss and was always with a group of people and most of the time he talked too much. And Shane really needed to learn not to pick Sebastian apart every time he started to think about Ilya.
“Yep, all packed. Just need some socks and my charger and I’m good to go.” Shane forced a smile as he tried not to freak out over the wet carpet or the need to hide Ilya in favor of Sebastian. He comforted himself with the idea of having a few days on the road. The space always made it easier to be forgiving of Sebastian’s quirks when he returned. He did enjoy having him here. Hell, Shane was the one who had asked him to stay. It’s just that… January is always hard. That is what he told himself.
“Sweet. Ok well I will be in Paris when you return. Girls trip, remember? You’ll have some space for yourself. I know how you get when I stay too long. My little hermit crab.” Sebastian said as he pinched Shane’s cheeks and kissed him sweetly. Shane did his best to return the affection, but when Sebastian winced, he knew he had failed.
“I’ll call you when I land ok. Sorry I’m in a mood. I’m ready for this season to be over honestly. I’m looking forward to this summer. I need a break.” Shane said looking down at his bag.
Before he came out it was all he could dream about, being able to be gay out loud. And now that he had it, all he wanted to do was stay in this closet with Ilya. How had he fucked things up so bad?
December 6, 2019 - Montreal
Shane stood in front of his locker checking his phone. Sebastian had made a rare appearance at tonight’s game and would be waiting for him. Although all the points on the board were his, in a 2-1 win over the Admirals, he could have played better. There was something in the air he couldn’t quite name, and he couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. He was already trying to plan out how to gently ask Sebastian not to come to any more of his games, he couldn’t have this unsettling feeling looming over him if he was going to make the playoffs.
“Did you hear who was in the audience tonight?” Hayden was pulling off his pads and shoving them carelessly into his bag beside them.
Montreal was the best team in the league, it had been for a while, so the crowd was always full. You could guess anybody’s name and still have a chance at being correct. Shane shook his head ‘no’ then started pulling his jersey off his back.
“Rozanov. Can you believe that? The guy goes on injury reserve and instead of staying home he comes to Montreal. What a weirdo.”
Shane was caught in his jersey, as much as he tried to pull it off his back he was stuck.
“Stay still let me help you.” Hayden laughed as he released Shane from the tangle he was in. “Anyway, Jackie and I are going to dinner at… shit I forgot where, but do you and Sebastian want to join?”
Shane knew he should be getting undressed, he knew he should be moving, talking, something. He couldn’t. He couldn’t move. His thoughts took the lead. Why was Rozanov here? Would he want to talk to me? Had he reached out and I didn’t see it? If wanted to talk to me, what would he possibly have to say? What would I say?
Shane felt disconnected from his body as he removed his clothing and washed himself in the shower. The banter around him a muffled mess he couldn’t translate. Ilya was here.
“Let it go Captain.” JJ shouted toward him, “You have that look. You are replaying all the mistakes from the game, let it go. We won.”
Shane could only shake his head as he turned off the shower, dried off and got dressed. He drifted toward the tunnel outside the locker room, in what felt like slow motion, the pulse at his neck pounding so hard it caused a pain in his ears.
And there he was, Ilya Rozanov, leaning against the wall, crooked smile on his face, mischief in his eyes. In the locker room Shane hadn’t been able to get himself to move and now he couldn’t get himself to stop moving, toward Ilya.
“You look terrible.” Ilya said as he reached toward Shane’s shirt but pulled back as Sebastian came bounding around him and threw his arms around Shane’s neck.
“Hey you! Great game. Oh my god, you look a mess.” Sebastian began straightening Shane’s shirt and jacket at his hemline. “Are you ok?”
Shane couldn’t take his eyes off Ilya, just beyond Sebastian’s shoulder, who was smiling softly as their eyes were locked on each other’s.
Sebastian kissed his cheek and turned toward Ilya as he hooked his arm around Shane’s. Shane felt the blood rush to his face in a way that felt like shame, like he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to do.
“Hi I’m-”
“Sebastian, yes? Shane’s boyfriend. I am Ilya, an old friend.” He shook Sebastian’s hand and there didn’t seem to be any malice attached to the gesture.
“What are you doing here?” Shane hoped the crack in his voice hadn’t been obvious.
“Came to see my favorite hockey player. It’s been too long.”
“Three years.” Shane said matter of fact, voice flat but he could feel the hot sting in his eyes, the heaviness building in his throat.
“Too long.” Ilya nodded his head as he tilted it to one side sympathetically “Was a good game. Sloppy in second period. Lucky for you, you play the Admirals. Had time to turn it around, yes?.” Ilya chuckled.
“I wasn’t sloppy.” Shane said looking at his feet.
“You were sloppy.”
“And when was the last time your team won a game? Or even put points on the board?” Shane meant to sound more assertive, but it came out in a whine.
Sebastian cut in “I’m sorry, do you play?”
“LA Kings.” Ilya pulled at his nose in the way he does when he’s irritated.
“Wait, are you number eighty-one? Rozanov? I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you without your costume.” Sebastian said as he brushed his hand over Ilya’s chest and Shane felt a pang of jealousy “I don’t really watch sports, but Shane is always yelling at you through the tv. He is very animated about it, it’s adorable. You guys were rivals right? I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Have you?” Ilya raised an eyebrow at Shane who was shifting his weight between his feet and couldn’t hold eye contact.
“How long are you in town?” Shane blurted out, sounding too stiff.
“A few days maybe. We will see.” He raked his fingers through his curls at the side of his face pushing his hair behind his ears.
Fuck why was this man so gorgeous, Shane thought, as he watched the curls wrap themselves around his fingertips as if taunting him.
“I have reservation. Niko’s. Would you join me?” His eyes floated between Sebastian and Shane, but they lingered on Shane.
“Yes, you love that place. Can we please?” Sebastian begged pulling Shane’s arm closer, as Shane noticed he had been standing stiffly in the embrace. “He tends to be a little grumpy after games.” He said toward Ilya.
“Hmm.” Was all that Ilya said out loud, Shane could guess what he meant. Ilya had provided Shane with plenty of post-game stress relief over the years.
There was no way he was going to agree to this. He should talk to Ilya in private, if at all, definitely not in front of Sebastian.
“Yes.” Fell out of Shane’s mouth before he could stop it.
Sebastian squealed and Shane winced at the high pitch noise too close to his face. “Ok, well I can meet you there. I don’t want to have to come back later for my car.”
“I can ride with you? I took a cab here.” Ilya grinned, no doubt enjoying himself, which was so annoying. Why are you doing this, Shane thought, not sure if he was talking to himself or Ilya.
“Perfect! See you there!” Sebastian grabbed Shane’s face, kissed him on the mouth, giggled and walked off leaving Ilya and Shane alone.
Ilya moved in toward Shane and gently corrected the fabric of the shirt Shane was wearing, just at his neck, the piece that was bothering him the most, the piece that Sebastian had missed.
“Is just dinner with a friend.” Ilya whispered.
“You know that’s not true.” Shane whispered back.
“Yes. I know. But only I know. So it can be true. If you want.” He stepped back “Come. We shouldn’t be alone here. Too many cameras.”
“We shouldn’t be alone at all.” Shane said as he started following Ilya to the player’s parking garage.
“We won’t be. Sebastian will be there.” Ilya winked. “Besides, I would love to hear about all the things you say to the tv.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“Yes, probably.”