Chapter Text
Assh0le_Ari
If one more person says that any gunshot will just bleed a huge ass puddle of blood and not have any side effects i will kill them
#I'm premed don't fight me on this #looking at you booktok readers
Drew_the_con
My husband says it can
#he got shot a couple of times #and he's perfectly normal
Fairydust_rainbow
[Screen shot of Drew_the_coon 's tags]
......Drew no he's not
#I've seen your other posts #he sounds like a rabid animal you picked up from a dumpster fire
Drew_the_con
Exactly.
Perfectly normal.
Assh0le_Ari
DIE
Drew_the_con
Lol
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: there's no way in fucking hell ure husband actually got shot
Assh0le_Ari: leaving large pools of blood like that would mean he hit an artery and if blood pooled that much outside of a hospital he should be dead
Drew_the_con: lol
Drew_the_con: that's what everyone says about him
Assh0le_Ari: bc it's true
Assh0le_Ari: dick
Drew_the_con: not my dault my husband is a list of contradictions
Assh0le_Ari: HES LYING TO U
Drew_the_con: nah he stopped doing that ages ago
Assh0le_Ari: .....I barely know u yet i hate u sm
Drew_the_con: I get that a lot
Assh0le_Ari: I hope you die
Drew_the_con: nah, someone's gotta keep my husband contained
Assh0le_Ari: someone kill me
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: are u really married or r u fucking w everyone?
Drew_the_con: ?
Assh0le_Ari: on ur asks u said ur 19
Drew_the_con: yea
Drew_the_con: and?
Assh0le_Ari: ain't that a little too young to be married?
Assh0le_Ari: ur not Mormon or anything r u?
Drew_the_con: I've never been more insulted in my life
Drew_the_con: I'd rather you call me a fag
Drew_the_con: no I'm not Mormon but my husband and I like to fuck with them
Drew_the_con: well we did when they still came around to do missionary work
Drew_the_con: we're pretty sure we got put on some kind of banned list
Assh0le_Ari: jfc what'd u do?
Drew_the_con: well I'm gay and married to my Trans husband
Drew_the_con: that was enough
Assh0le_Ari: that's too tame
Assh0le_Ari: I was expecting more
Drew_the_con: sorry to disappoint
Drew_the_con: we did pretend to give their cult a shot but then we started making out so what can you do?
Drew_the_con: they did try a few more times but my husband and I drove them away
Assh0le_Ari: how?
Drew_the_con: once he sobbed like a widow at a funeral- no explanation just sobbed until they got uncomfortable and left
Drew_the_con: the next time I just kept saying "why" like a two year old until they got pizsed
Drew_the_con: then we told them that we did convert just to Satanism
Assh0le_Ari: u sound like a delight
Drew_the_con: thank you
Assh0le_Ari: not a compliment
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: you said you're premed right?
Assh0le_Ari: yeah
Assh0le_Ari: I also said ur husband is full of shit
Drew_the_con: how much work is involved in that?
Assh0le_Ari: I haven't slept in 3 days
Drew_the_con: hmmmm
Assh0le_Ari: I also want to jump out of this bus I'm in
Drew_the_con: yeah probably shouldn't risk it
Assh0le_Ari: y?
Drew_the_con: my idiot husband twisted his ankle and refused to go to a doctor for three days
Drew_the_con: figured if I could become one he'd at least get some kind of medical attention
Drew_the_con: but fuck that shit
Assh0le_Ari: gee thanks fuckwad
Drew_the_con: 🖕
Assh0le_Ari: one day ull die and I'll celebrate
Drew_the_con: death can't touch me my husband said no
Assh0le_Ari: STFU
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: y does no one know how to fucking drive?
Drew_the_con: I ask myself that everyday
Drew_the_con: at least half of these fuckers should have never been able to even step inside a car much less drive it
Drew_the_con: dumbasses
Assh0le_Ari: EXACTLY!
Assh0le_Ari: I had to sit in fourty minutes of traffic except the only thing causing the traffic was idiots who didnt know how to go above 35 in a fucking 55
Drew_the_con: I hate when they do 55 in a 45 but just forced you to sit thru them doing 35 in 55
Drew_the_con: the urge to ram them w/ my car is strong
Drew_the_con: luckily I have a husband
Assh0le_Ari: wtf does that have to do w/ anything?
Drew_the_con: he's hot
Assh0le_Ari: ?????
Drew_the_con: I can't go to jail bc then I'd miss out on that ass
Assh0le_Ari: go die
Drew_the_con: no need to be jealous
Assh0le_Ari: 🖕
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: thoughts on Aladdin
Assh0le_Ari: y
Drew_the_con: me and my husband are watching Disney bc this heathen hasnt seen like 90% of the classics
Assh0le_Ari: I need to study
Drew_the_con: and yet here you are
Assh0le_Ari: I hate u
Drew_the_con: answer the question
Assh0le_Ari: it was fine
Assh0le_Ari: I prefer beauty and the beast
Drew_the_con: okay furry
Assh0le_Ari: FUCK YOU
Assh0le_Ari: Im not a furry!
Drew_the_con: such strong denial my friend
Assh0le_Ari: idek y we're friends when u call me a furry
Drew_the_con: who knows
Drew_the_con: but I do know that you're sus
Assh0le_Ari: I hope ur husband divorces u
Drew_the_con: LOL
Drew_the_con: nah
Drew_the_con: nothing can get him out of this relationship
Drew_the_con: not even death
Assh0le_Ari: I pity the fool
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: hey
Assh0le_Ari: hey Drew
Drew_the_con: it's 2 am
Assh0le_Ari: ik
Assh0le_Ari: I drank too much redbull so now I can't sleep
Drew_the_con: Jesus fuck dude
Assh0le_Ari: y r u up?
Drew_the_con: nightmares
Drew_the_con: normally my husband stays up w/ me but he has a test tomorrow so I forced him to sleep
Assh0le_Ari: ur in college?
Drew_the_con: yeah
Assh0le_Ari: what r ur majors?
Drew_the_con: I'm in social work and my husband is a math major
Assh0le_Ari: srsly?
Drew_the_con: yep.
Assh0le_Ari: from the way u talk bout him he sounds like a fucking idiot
Drew_the_con: oh he is
Drew_the_con: but he's somehow a math genius on top of that buffoonary
Assh0le_Ari: damn
Assh0le_Ari: anyways
Assh0le_Ari: did u that there was an experiment done on bees on cocaine?
Drew_the_con: we're creeping too close to cocaine bear being real
Assh0le_Ari: how would u survive cocaine bear?
Drew_the_con: hmm
Drew_the_con: well my husband
Assh0le_Ari: do u always talk about him?
Drew_the_con: yep
Drew_the_con: anyways
Drew_the_con: he's a survivalist
Drew_the_con: he could survive the post apocalypse with ease so I'd just team up with him
Drew_the_con: also a tank would do the trick
Drew_the_con: can't do much if you're just torn to pieces
Assh0le_Ari: where would u even get a tank?
Drew_the_con: that's unimportant
Assh0le_Ari: that seems very important actually
Drew_the_con: it's under control
Assh0le_Ari: that worries me more than u know
Drew_the_con: 👍
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: how long until someone bleeds to death?
Assh0le_Ari: I
Assh0le_Ari: y do u wanna know????
Drew_the_con: no reason
Assh0le_Ari: yeah I'm not telling u asshole
Drew_the_con: fuck you
Assh0le_Ari: 🖕
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: I'm going to kill someone
Drew_the_con: make sure remove the teeth and hair before feeding rhe body to pigs
Drew_the_con: despose of the teeth and hair by throwing it into the ocean, but make sure it's not from a place connected to you
Assh0le_Ari: .........
Assh0le_Ari: Im only going to metaphorically kill someone
Drew_the_con: not as fun
Assh0le_Ari: I'm ignoring all that for now
Drew_the_con: boo 👎
Assh0le_Ari: I just got out of a meeting with my PI and he's a fucking moron who can't do his fucking job
Assh0le_Ari: like y the fuck am I paying u all thos fucking money
Assh0le_Ari: I'll kill him
Drew_the_con: why are you hiring a PI?
Drew_the_con: don't tell me you're one of those loser guys who hires a PI to find a girl who winked at him in a bar
Drew_the_con: if you are Ill have to kill you
Assh0le_Ari: what?
Assh0le_Ari: gross fuck no
Drew_the_con: so why the PI?
Assh0le_Ari: ugh
Assh0le_Ari: it's hard to talk bout it
Drew_the_con: you don't have to tell me
Drew_the_con: I'm not known for my emotional empathy
Assh0le_Ari: y am I not surprised?
Drew_the_con: I can leave
Drew_the_con: why were you at a PI?
Assh0le_Ari: I'm looking for someone
Drew_the_con: yeah I got that
Assh0le_Ari: sorry it's just
Assh0le_Ari: I don't talk about this much
Drew_the_con: well the good thing about being online friends is that we'll never meet so there's no awkwardness
Drew_the_con: besides, how the fuck do I know you're not lying?
Assh0le_Ari: yeah that's fair
Assh0le_Ari: I'm looking for my twin brother
Drew_the_con: he run off somewhere?
Assh0le_Ari: separated at birth actually
Drew_the_con: oh
Drew_the_con: oops
Assh0le_Ari: I didnt even know until a year ago when I was applying for college
Assh0le_Ari: I needed some papers and my cousin and I ended up finding the birth certificate
Drew_the_con: could've died in infancy
Assh0le_Ari: no death certificate
Drew_the_con: could've never reported it it's not that uncommon
Assh0le_Ari: fuck u
Assh0le_Ari: I can't think like that
Assh0le_Ari: ik that bastard is alive and when I find him we're going to be brothers
Drew_the_con: why bother?
Assh0le_Ari: ?
Drew_the_con: whats the point? You've both already lived through your lives so why so desperate for something that doesnt exist?
Assh0le_Ari: arent u married?
Drew_the_con: happily
Assh0le_Ari: and yet u don't believe in family? Or just brotherhood?
Drew_the_con: family is a myth portrayed by Hollywood it doesnt exist
Drew_the_con: 'family' is just a bunch of people who think that just bc they're family it means they can do whatever they want and you have to accept it
Drew_the_con: people are cruel and you're not safe just bc you're family
Assh0le_Ari: and yet ur married
Drew_the_con: whats your point?
Assh0le_Ari: whatever pessimistic asshole
Drew_the_con: you disagree?
Assh0le_Ari: I mean YEAH
Assh0le_Ari: sure families are fucked up to all hell and u wont agree on everything but there are people who will love u unconditionally
Assh0le_Ari: and I've always felt like something was missing from my life
Assh0le_Ari: like there was a piece of me missing and this is it
Assh0le_Ari: I was missing my brother, my twin and I'll do everything to find him and then we're gonna be brothers
Drew_the_con: ew optimism.
Assh0le_Ari: how r u married?
Drew_the_con: I've got a big dick
Assh0le_Ari: alright im blocking u
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: what bones did u say ur husband broke?
Drew_the_con: two ribs, his collarbone, fractured (non-displaced) his tilbia and fiblia, im 99% sure he broke his arm but he swears he didnt, and he stupidly broke two toes when he dropped a glass bowl onto his foot
Drew_the_con: why?
Assh0le_Ari: no reason
Drew_the_con: sounds like there is a reason
Assh0le_Ari: ur imagining things
Assh0le_Ari: how many concussions has he had?
Drew_the_con: he says 2 but it's really 3
Assh0le_Ari: and he doesnt play a contact sport?
Drew_the_con: nope.
Assh0le_Ari: ur a morosexual
Drew_the_con: stfu
Assh0le_Ari: morosexual
Drew_the_con: why do you need this?
Assh0le_Ari: im making this into a drinking game for my friends
Assh0le_Ari: once we're sloshed we're gonna diagnose whatever the fucks wrong with him
Drew_the_con: lmao
Drew_the_con: good luck
Drew_the_con: everyone who's tried has failed
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: do u know bout superman and batman?
Drew_the_con: im gay of course I do
Assh0le_Ari: okay who tops in that relationship?
Drew_the_con: no.
Assh0le_Ari: fair enough I'll ask my other gay friend
Drew_the_con: cause we're all the same arent we?
Assh0le_Ari: yeah
Drew_the_con: woooww
Drew_the_con: you'll be hearing from my lawyer