Chapter Text
Oh the weather outside is.. Fucking chilly holy shit this could a newborn baby if it dare start walking on their porch alone. Atleast that’s what Silver concluded. Even with like four layers of his old sweatshirts it felt like he was walking around butt naked like usual. Whatever. He got to his work office ..thing. I mean if you wanna call a random half-assed one story building that had like barely a year left to live comparable to an office then sure.
He stepped inside and took a seat, picking out books from the bookshelf. He found one that caught his interest, it was about time travel stuff because hes a time traveller get it guys..
Uhm a few minutes passed until eventually his client showed up all fucked up and dirty. Like he had jsut got back from wrestling a bear or something, “Sorry I just got back from wrestling a bear.” Well that answers that,
“Uhm.. thats amazing man just take a seat.” To which the client obeyed. “..Uh may I ask for your name” The client’s already suffering posture somewhow got worser after Silver’s comment,
“I’m Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog!" Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog! shot up from his chair as Silver’s mouth plummeted to the ground, he didnt even realize for a second! Wow it’s really Sonic the Hedgehog in the flesh wow that’s amazing anyways,
“Why are you here Sonic? Don’t you have to stop Eggman from sucking his own dick again?” Sonic pretending to fall asleep and forced snot out of his nocse which was kinda gross but SIlver could push that aside,
“Silver bro…Eggman is on hiatus… and it’s not about him right now.. I’m dealing with some relationship issues with my partner… (s)” SOnic muttered the s at the end but thankfully Silver dind’t catch up on it. Silver was very shocked he di the flight thing were his hands are behind his head and his mouth is agape but he stopped after like 2 seconds idk whos keeping track man,
“Lay it on me bro.. I am a professional detective and therapist.” He was a fraud actually, he kinda stole this occupation from chaotix and barely made it. The only reason he got this job is because he beat Vector in gambling with video proof.
“SIlver bruh, if you beat me, you get to have my job the day me and the boys die”
“Okay”
Now is the day. Sonic sighed dramatically, “Ok so…” He rubbed his arm, “I think I’m being cucked..” Silver gasped,
“That’s horrible! By who??”
“I… I.. I caught… my…. My…. my…. Uhhh well she and he wasn’t really my boyfriend or girlfriend..” Sonic muttered, dropping the uh soft anime girl act?? What do you even call this. Silver perked one eyebrow really high that it extended out of his face and crashed into the roof which seemed to work with getting Sonic back on track, “Uhm I dont wanna name drop or anything… but like,,,” Sonic shed a tear but he licked it away and kinda liked it but he didnt wanna continue because like thats like lame and stuff anyways. He uh puffed his chest and shouted when he didnt’ need to but– “THEY WERE MAKING OUT IN MY ROOM!!!” Silver gasped again, forgetting that he had anotepad as he hastily work down what he remembered which was two freakazoids making out in Sonic’s room.
“Dude…” Silver looked up in sympathy for Sonic because that’s crazy “In your room??”
“YEAH MAN! THEY WERE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX!! THERE WAS LIKE A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS AND SHIT IT WAS SO GROSS I THREW UP ON THE SPOT!!!!” Silver was thankful that he had fast fingers even though his hand-writing was really sloppy but he got shit done as Sonic continued, “MY BED GOT STD’S FROM IT! I CAN’T SLEEP THERE ANYMORE I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH NOW!” He growled really angrily, Silver could tell because his brows were furrowed and his fur was growing dark uh oh but the Sonic continued, “I.. almost went ALPHA MODE!! Thankufly.. My little brother was there to kick em out of my room and I broke up with the both of them after… I was so sad and heartbroken and I still am because I kinda miss sucking my girlfriend tit,and jiggling the other one.. Then my boyfriend hes trans and shit so I kinda miss sucking his pussyu cuz it kinda reminded me of chillidogs.. BUT I DONT CARE ANYMORE!! RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!!” Silver nodded, I mean he’s in a committed relationship but his girlfriend is like busy and shit but they’re long distant and sometimes they visit and stuff uh anyways Silver wrote allat and shoved it up his ass before uh folding his hands together, leaning in to truly lik eidk listen,
“Yeah, go off queen! Like men AND women aint shit!!”
“EXACTLY! I MADE A MISTAKE LETTING THEM TOY WITH MY HEART.. FROM NOW ON.. IM NO LOGNER SONIC.. IM… IM… IM….” Sonic’s fur grew really dark until an explosion happend and threw Silver back across the room and shit. He saw Sonic with no pujpils and he was really evil looking and scrary. He broke the window like what the fuck man? And then he looked back at Silver and declared, “I must confess.. That I feel like a monster… I am no longer just Sonic the Hedgehog.. I am EVIL Sonic the Hedgehog.. I am.. DARK SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!!!! I BLOW UP CARS AND KILL PEDESTRIANS!! WATCH ME..”
Silver watched as he did blow up a car and kill a pedestrian crossing the road and then he blew up a couple more cars and went on a murder spree. Well, that sucks. SIlver kinda is off the clock now that his client is gone. Hopefully that murder spree helps them uh with coping or something idk. Silver walked out his building and pulled out his notesheet which was kinda hard to read but he could decipher it. Looks like Sonic got cheatred on by two people. He didn’t specify whot hey wre but SIlver would find them and make them sad.. Like they did to Sonic… Yeah… Well he had another client tomorrow so uh yeah/
—
CLIENT #2
It was now the second day, and Silver walked bacm to his office once more. His window was still broken from Sonic which wasn’;t cool but yeah. This time, his client was actually early and it was a pink hedgehog… hey this woman looks familiar.. Is that Amy?? “Amy is that you?” She giggled and swatted her hand,
“Of course it is silly! Who else would I be?” The two of them shared a laugh before she locked tf in, each step shaking the room violently as she went and took a seat. Silver grabbed his notepad, actually ready to write this time as he asked the first question,
“Why are you here, Amy??” Amy frowned and slumped in her chair, looking more angry than Sonic was but thankfully her fur wasn’t growing darker or anything, Silver might actually shit his pants if that were the case..
“I’ve been cheated on by a BITCH!” Silver oooo’d, shaking his hamd because that was aura, “I can’t believe this.. I gave him all my love and devotion and the way he repays me after all these years is by POUNDING ANOTHER GUY’S ASS IN A BUSH?? A BUSH OF ALL THINGS! SILVER DO YOU HEAR ME?!” Amy slammed her fist against the table and leaned really close to Silver to where his personal space was practically obliterated but it's ok at the moment, “WHY A BUSH OF ALL THINGS?? THAT’S SO UNSANITARY?? THEY COULDN’T HAVE.. OH I DONT KNOW GONE TO LIKE.. ANYWHERE ELSE??” Silver wrote down on his notepad,
“So they’re abnormal?”
“ABNORMAL DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THEM, SILVER!!!! ATLEAST WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.. I WAS IN A PROPER BEDROOM! Albeit someone else’s..” Amy muttered, Silver getting a brainpop moment but choosing to keep it to himself until he got more information from the other 3 clients on this whole situationship. In the meantime he just nodded along and stuff. “GOID IF I SEE HIM AGIAN.. I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!!!! GOD IM SO FUCKING MAD!!!!” Amy sighed and was now very sad, “im gonna go jerk off to yuri again..” and with that, Amy broke the window too and Silver was very sad because now he has to call Joe and Joe really likes to make sex jokes because hes a hobo incel and Silver doesnt like him nobody does but hes really good at his job unfortunately
Well this time around, Silver didn’t get too many notes in but he got some crucial information.. I mean.. Sleeping in someone else’s bed when Sonic mentioned that last time! Maybe Amy was the one that cheated on Sonic! But with who?? Mauyb he’ll find out next time..
___________
CLIENT #3
Silver slumped outt abed, it’s nbeen two days since his last encounter with Amy and like it was something he guessed?? ANyways he goes back to the office with fucking Joe.. “Hi Silver!! Eugh erugh eugh!” That fucking laugh that I hate “Your window is more fucked than my sister on a Tuesday! It’s gonna take me a while but way less than my daily porn hob compilations!” Silve scrunched his nose,
“Joe.. why do you have a porn hub compilation?” I mean dont get him wrong, Silver’s “stumbled” across porn hub eveyr now and then but he doesn’t go on it anymore because he’s truly realized.. That he refuses to have sex ever in his life, Joe is the exact opposite..
“Silver.. Eugh eugh.. Didn’t I already tell you?.. Oh eugh! Did I ever tell you about my recent high record?? You wanna eugh.. Know??” Joe got all up in his face and picked his nose. He was a fattie so his belly was like wobbling, going uo and down oooooooo! Silver didn’t get to say anything before Joe interjected, “Oh what am I saying of course you do! EHem, I’ve reached a high record of 1500 jerk off sessions every week! If i break it and go two weeks!! It’s all… ialll eugh.. ALL OVER!!” Joe laughed before getting back to work on the window.
“..Awesome man..” SIlver took his seat at his desk as the door opened. He was expecting one person but when he turned to look, there were two people?? One was … Shadow and Rouge!?!?!?!? Well this got interesting. Joe also seemed taken aback,
“Whoa Silver! Eugh You never told me you had game!! Are you guys like in an orgy or eugh something?? Can I watch and maybe join in or something idk unless you guys dont want that then thats aight.” Shadow looked at Joe like he had revived Maria just to kill her again,
“What the hell is an orgy??” Rouge patted his back,
"Gotchu hun, ehem ...'when a bunch of people get together to trade STD's
five or more people all having sex is an orgy OR
: secret ceremonial rites held in honor of an ancient Greek or Roman deity and usually characterized by ecstatic singing and dancing” (deadass copied this from google)' "
“I understand it now ROuge”
“Will you have sex with me again now?”
“No”
“Oh okay” Joe was very sad and confronted Shadow about that,
“Cmon man! Eugh not cool! How can you turn down a living sex goddess like htat!?! You clearly don’t deserve her man eugh.. A real man would tend to her needs– dude where’s your ass??” It’s okay, Shadow didnt care he had his propeller hat and lollipop and dumb drool seeping outta his mouth and why tf is he so damn jolly–
“Durrrrrrrrrrrrr” Silver.. has…had…ENOUGH!!!
“Guys cmon!! No more sex jokes for now!! Joe get back to work!!!” Silver whooped Joe and he got back to work thinking about Rouge’s tits which motivated him to work faster so that he could watch more porn hub videos and continue his streak. Rouge dragged Shadow into a chair and unfornutaely he wasn’t a pill baby anymore but its okay, Rouge say next to Shadow and then they all got serious now. “Okay so you guys are here to tell me about a case…no??” Rouge got a brainpop moment,
“Oh yeah some crazy shit happened, Shadow you go first”
“No”
“I’ll flash you a tit”
“For the miliionth time?? No”
“You flash me yoru pussyu”
“Maybe”
“So yes??”
“No”
“Shadow and I have been cheated on.. BY A GANG OF BITCHES!” Rouge shouted just like Amy did, at this point Silver’s ears were going to bleed and of course Joe had to join in,
“If he doesn’t wanna see your tits.. You’re more than welcome to present to the class..” Shadow strangled Joe,
“SHUT THE FUCK UP SHIT-STAIN” Silver gasped,
“Shadow no! That’s a bad word!”
“Oh sorry, THOU GORBELLIED ILL-NUTURED MALT-WORM!” Silver furrowed his brows, unable to stop the
“What??” that erupted from his throat. Joe felt confused amnd [ersonally offended??
“What’d you just call me??”
“THOU LUMPISH DREAD-BOLTED LEWDUSTER!!!” Shadow was gonna kill Joe!! Silver jumped into save Joe.. even thogu he’s very annoying.. He’s still Silvert’s friend! So Silver kicked Shadow nono square to save Joe, “FOUTRE!!! THOU ART A BOIL, A PLAGUE SORE…” Rouge stood there and felt the aura so she shook her left hand specifically cause that’s the one she uses to jerk off. And then she checked on SHadow.
“J-Joe!! Are you okay?!?!?” Joe coughed violently in SIlver’s face,
“I’m okay Silver, now I need to get back to work but thanks for saving myy life eugh man, that was really hot and i think i almost got hard from it” There’s the Joe he knows and uh associates with. Silver carefully set him down with carre and lots of care did I mention he was very careful about Joe? Joe went back to work and ocncluded that he dare not intervene. SIlver pulled out his notepad and began wtritng again,
“Just like the others..” He mumbled, “What happened??”
Rouge turned around to look at Shadow whio was still writhing on the floor, “Ah Silver you mighte fucked him up, ue was on his period too..” Silver was vey sad,
“Oh no! I didn’t know im so sorry he was gonna bring the die to Joe and I didn’t want Joe to not be here tomorrow..”
Rouge swatted her arm, “I dont care he’ll be fine. He’s always making a comeback!” Rouge continued now for real “Anyways, we were going on a picnic together and then like I was relly horny so we were gonna do a quickie inthe resturatn butthen we saw a guy and girl we knew getting it on in the bathroom… and like we both date this guy and then Shadow was also dating the girl.. And then they just… CHEAT ON US, CVLINGING TOGETHER LIKE A PAIR OF BALLSACKS!!” Silver oo’d, Joe did too before resumig with work, “we broke up with them, kicked em out, busted a quick load and then we left we our robot friend Omega who was waiting at an arcade across the street…” Rouge scoffed, “Those used condoms deserved it..” That ius a unique insult.. Even Joe would agree that is very unique..
Silver nodded and looked back at his notes and previous ones… he might be able to cook with this… “Wow Rouge that is very sad…”
Rouge nodded slowly, in sync with Silver “yeah man anything else u need fromme”
Silver shook his head “no just uh make sure uh Shadow truly does make a comeback,,,”
Rouge laughed, dragging Shadow out of the office alongside her, “Okay bye now” they left and Silver sighed of relief, finally this whole thing didn’t end in Silver losing another hald of his window.. Joe laughed,
“Thank god they eugh didn’t make more work for me.. I really need to get home and get back to my streak man..” Silver laughed and nodded, leaning back in his chair and scanning his notes.. The evidence is coming together… heh… the culprit or uh whoever the fuck better be shitting hteir pants… prolly??
..