Chapter Text
Izuku Midoriya Pov.
Izuku has already been worried for a while now, Katsuki has started acting differently and then suddenly invites him to his room? Yes, Izuku has been here before, him and Katsuki have been best friends since their second year and celebrated turning 18 together quite recently, but always for problems or always for reasons that caused trouble later on, and he couldn't tell if this would be any different, he can't tell which one this could be.
Katsukis voice was serious, a low tone to it that he always gets when there's a problem, and the words he chose to use made Izuku even more nervous about this meeting. That voice always made his heart drop to his stomach, made him question if he did something wrong, it brought up the anxiety that Izuku tried to hide about being a bother for him. Though they've been friends for a while now, Izuku still can't help but feel anxious about annoying Katsuki like he always had in the past.
"Come to my room after dinner, you don't need to stay for long. I'd like you to listen to me, I wasn't sure how to bring this up but I can't keep it to myself any longer than I already have. You don't need to change, or bring anything. It'll be as quick as you let it to be. Just actually show up, no getting out of this talk Izuku."
This sounds bad, Izuku tries to be optimistic but truly, he's afraid. He's scared that this is one of those conversations, such as their 'talk' which evolved into their friendship at ground beta last year, a talk about something he did to make Katsuki feel bad, a speech about how he still isn't an equal in Katsuki's eyes. He knows it's stupid, but he just can't believe ever being on the same level as Katsuki.
Izuku grips the doorknob, his fingers turning white as he shakes while holding it. If he opens this door, Katsuki will be on the other side and he'd have to take part in this talk. Izuku feels like running away. Like he should just avoid this and act like Katsuki never asked him to come over- but he knows he can't do that. He feels sick, his stomach feels like it's full of oil as it sloshes around, his fight or flight instinct screaming at him to not go in there.
He feels like this could be a turning point in their relationship, he can't bear to think about what he would do if Katsuki doesn't want to be his friend anymore, or even worse, hates him, but he acknowledges one thing, leaving Katsuki alone now could do as much damage as walking in and engaging in this situation, so he pulls this knob down, ignoring his stomach doing flips, and opens the door.
The door creaks open, breaking Izuku out of his nauseating thoughts, and as it does, Katsuki is nowhere to be seen. Did he mess up the timing? He feels a heavy weight in his chest. Was he supposed to come earlier? It was a huge possibility; he’d spent so long contemplating the door that he might have missed his window entirely. Was he supposed to come earlier? Izuku feels a heavy guilt in his heart at the thought, that could be a huge possibility as he contemplated for so long before finally deciding to just come here and get this over with and, somehow, Izuku feels even worse than if Katsuki yelled at him for being late.
This silence is excruciating. The rooms smells like Katsuki's signature nitroglycerin scent mixing with the smell of the candle that Izuku, after a freaking out not knowing what to get, bought him for his birthday, along with some All Might figurines that he knew Katsuki would pretend to hate but secretly put up on his shelves. Speaking of figurines, Izuku can clearly see them right on the shelf above Katsuki's bed and he can't help but walk up to it.
He feels like an intruder, like he shouldn't be here even if he was invited, but he stopped thinking the moment the familiar, addicting smell punched him in the nose. The smell so distinctly Katsuki that he feels himself move towards it without even thinking first. So yes, he isn't in his right mind, but at this point, being "out of his mind" is better than being trapped inside it.
Katsuki's room is just like his character, clean and professional looking while looping in his personality in certain parts. Such as his desk having that one photo of them from after the war- Izuku's with half shaved hair, the scar running down his left cheek and Katsuki's starburst scar on his chest are all visible. It was taken by Izuku's mom, the kind, caring woman she is, who gifted it to them both on their birthdays.
Izuku can't help but feel like he's floating, like all the tension in his body softens and melts off of him, as he walks towards Katsuki's nightstand. There are a few things on it, cluttered just enough to look like it's intentional, like a cup holding a few pens, a night light which was gifted to Katsuki by Kirishima last Christmas and a small picture frame. In the frame there's a picture, a picture that makes Izuku's heart do flips in his chest.
It's the two of them but it's from so long ago that it makes his heart ache with a deep sense of nostalgia, a longing for the simpler times from back then, and love. It's from when they were small, young kids only now discovering the world, right before Katsuki got his quirk and Izuku was diagnosed quirkless. They are smiling in it, grinning from ear to ear, as they pull the corners of their mouths to show off both of their missing teeth, they fell out because they accidentally ran into each other on the playground while playing heroes and they were so happy to be 'grown up' now.
Izuku’s eyes well up with tears as he stared at the image inside. It was from so long ago—before the quirks, before the diagnosis. Two young kids grinning with missing teeth after a playground collision, so proud to be 'grown up.' Izuku has that same photo tucked away in his wallet, a constant weight of love and nostalgia he carried everywhere. Seeing it here, on Katsuki's most private surface, made his heart ache with a longing he couldn't name, a feeling of admiration and love.
"What a stalker you are, Izuku."
The words cut through the silence like a steaming knife through a piece of paper, a soft voice with a ragged edge of slight annoyance in it. Izuku almost jumps, possibly out the window next to him, as he's snapped out of his thoughts by none other than Katsuki, the person whose room he's in. He spins around, heart hammering against his ribs, his lungs struggling to expand.
"Ah-uh h-hi Kacchan! I was just..uhh.." Izuku finds it hard to breathe, even harder to talk, as he stares at Katsuki in all his glory right in front of him. He's shirtless, hair dripping, from what Izuku assumes is a shower, onto his shoulders and flowing down his chest like the dew on the windows after a long storm. Izuku is suddenly rendered speechless. He can hardly think as Katsuki's caramel scented shampoo fills his senses, the sight of Katsuki makes his gut twist in a way that Izuku finds it does often near him, that shameful, disgusting twist of arousal that he immediately tries to shove down deep enough that it can't flare up again.
"Staring is rude, Izuku. Thought you would've learned that by now." He grumbles as he walks towards his bed and sits down, looking at Izuku with half lidded eyes like he knows Izuku's fighting himself internally to stay calm. Izuku struggles to collect himself enough for a proper answer so a quietly muttered - "Sorry Kacchan.." - is the best he can do right now. "Don't say sorry if you don't mean it," Katsuki starts, and while his words make Izuku confused, Izuku can't help but focus in on his nervous tone.
"Huh?" Izuku makes a questioning sound and disrupts Katsuki who looks like he was about to speak, what does Katsuki mean by that? ".. as the whole point of apologizing is to be forgiven for your actions and change your behavior accordingly. Apologizing is the first part, making sure you don't have a repeat offense is the second. Are you saying you don't ever plan to stare at me shirtless again, I-zu-ku?" Katsuki remarked, cutting up both Izuku's name and thoughts as Izuku was left gaping at him.
Though Izuku wishes he could muster up a response, all he can do is stare at Katsuki half dazed. His stomach is doing that shameful, disturbing thing it always does. Twisting with shame. Turning with a small bubble of arousal at Katsuki's teasing tone, the slight feeling of blood trickling down a bit faster and getting his whole body stiffer, his head feels lighter from the blood pouring downwards, he wishes he could control his body better.
He wants to push it down, to keep the disgusting feeling so deep down it can never come out, but all he can do is stand still and stare. "Uhm..r-right..I-uh.." He stutters, his words just as jittery as his hands are, and tears his gaze away from Katsuki shamefully. He feels disgusting things sometimes, has disturbing moments where he thinks of his best friend in weird ways, things he should never feel for another man, especially not someone he's so close with.
"Come here, sit down." Katsuki beckons him closer, and just the thought of being so close to him has Izuku's head spinning and those disgusting thoughts leaving his mind feeling stuffy. Izuku moves before he thinks about it, taking a few big steps to enter Katsuki's bubble before sitting down a few places from Katsuki. The bed shifts, the sheets crinkle and Izuku feels bad for rumpling them for a moment before those thoughts get thrown out of his head as Katsuki starts talking again.
"You could sit closer" Katsuki starts. "No need to be so far away from me." Katsuki mutters under his breath, but Izuku hears him clear as day. Oh how he wishes he could feel the same, but the distance is the only thing keeping him even the slightest bit sane enough not to do something he would undoubtedly regret, instead he shifts a bit farther. "I'm..uh..fine here." Izuku lies, his voice breaking in the middle.
Katsuki doesn't make a sound, doesn't move or even look at Izuku, he's just staring at the wall in front of him like it suddenly became the most interesting thing in the room. Izuku feels a twinge of guilt loop in with the arousal in gut, a small part of him feeling bad for rejecting Katsuki's suggestion, but he quickly pushes it down as he reasons that it's better like this. Better to be farther away so his feelings can disappear faster, better not to try to make things out to be what they're not, this is just a conversation after all.
Izuku stares at him, Katsuki doesn't reciprocate. He can't keep his anxiety down any longer, it's starting to seep over the edge of the wall Izuku put up and his head fills with water, drowning his thoughts and making his head feel overcrowded. He ,once again, speaks before he can think. "Why'd you call me here?" Izuku blurts out. Ohh he should've kept that one in, Katsuki snaps his gaze over for a second, before deciding maybe his lap is super interesting.
After a few moments of silence, Katsuki speaks again. "Because I couldn't keep this in anymore." Izuku's heart stops, keep what in? He's confused, scared. Katsuki's apparently hellbent on being as cryptic as possible as he doesn't continue for a few long moments before finally, finally, speaking again. "I want you closer." He whispers, oh so softly that Izuku's heart starts racing faster than ever before, faster than in any fight before, not even the war made his heart beat this much, his breath getting sucked right out of his lungs and into Katsuki's.
Izuku hesitates for a second, worried this is not what Katsuki meant, before scooting just the slightest bit closer, and even as he feels like he's going to make a horrible mistake he still asks, "What...what do you mean?" and Katsuki sighs, letting the silence stretch for several long moments before speaking again.
"I have feelings for you. Had'em for a pretty long time now, I thought it was super obvious and you were just pretending not to notice." He snorts a small laugh and it’s so soft that Izuku’s heart races again. He finally raises his gaze, his eyes have a slight shine to them. Tears? Which causes his lungs to suddenly start hurting with every shallow breath of his. "Wh-what..kind of feelings? What..what does that mean, Kacchan?" Izuku stops breathing, his lungs refuse to expand until the pain in them stops. Katsuki mutters under his breath, "idiot..", and puts his hand so extremely dangerously close to Izuku's thigh that it forces a gasp out of him. Katsuki's breath hitches before he continues, his eyes squeeze shut for just a moment before opening again and he looks at Izuku with such softness that he can feel that familiar oil in his stomach slosh again. "I like you. More than a friend. And no less than I did all this time."
Izuku's heart suddenly seems to be bearing the weight of his whole body, trying to buckle over and break, and Izuku just stares for an excruciatingly long moment. It feels like hours have passed, but Izuku still can't process what he just heard. More than a friend? All this time? What does any of this mean?
Izuku tries to reign in his reaction but fails, he starts shaking his head, his whole body shudders for a moment and he utters out a quiet little question that he shouldn't have.
"Why..?" Katsuki says nothing. He doesn't have a response to a question that stupid. Izuku watches a single drop of water from Katsuki's hair fall onto the bedsheets, soaking into the fabric, before he finally finds his voice. Izuku slowly shifts a little, almost subconsciously, and moves away a bit. Katsuki means something else than what Izuku thinks. He must.
"I like you too." His voice breaks, gets high and wet at the same time. There's a beat of silence, Katsukis looks at him with such a softness to his gaze. He looks..almost hopeful? "We're..best friends after all. How could I not?" He blurts out right after, a quiet explanation. The light in Katsuki's eyes fade away in a heartbeat. "You're amazing after all." Izuku stammers. Izuku breathes out in short, rapid calls for oxygen while Katsuki.. doesn't. Katsuki just stares at him, completely still for one, then two, and three long moments before tearing his gaze away.
"It's getting late. You should..go to sleep." Katsuki's breaths out quietly, breaking the silence as he gets up and beelines towards his closet. Izuku doesn't respond but he makes a few slow steps towards the door. He looks at Katsuki for a second more, noticing how his gaze looks so lifeless, his shoulders so drooped, and then he steps out. He doesn't look back, doesn't close the door either. His heart doesn't drop, it hasn't even gotten back up to his chest yet. He just walks down the endless hallway and steps in the elevator. With the press of the button, the door closes, and Izuku feels a wetness to his cheek. He doesn't wipe it.
Moving now, thinking about what happened, would only make this whole thing feel real. And Izuku's not ready for that.