Work Text:
katie @katieloveshockey
um… guys. i know this isn’t the hottest take ever but can we discuss how fucking sexy shane hollander is in the latest sportsillustrated shoot?
shanes lover @voageurette
littteeeeerrrrraaaallllllyyyyy 💦
junie @jujubees
i’ve been saying hollzy is the hottest nhl player 🥵
ili🌷@ilianaaaa
god please i’d do anything to have his babies
John @johnathanpowers
I’m a straight man but… yeah he’s hot af
Padma ⭐ @whatthecelly
save me shane hollander bedroom eyes save me 🙏
Ilya
[screenshot of twitter thread]
They are talking about you online again
Shane
You know you don’t have to send me these, right?
Ilya
Just wanted you to know how badly everyone wants to get in your pants
Including that supposedly straight guy
Shane
Ilya
Ilya
Yes?
Shane
I don’t need to know that
Ilya
I think you probably do
Shane
Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for a game right now?
Ilya
🤷 I’m dressed
Shane
And you’re twitter stalking me in the locker room?
Ilya
Not twitter stalking you
Texting you
And stalking your tag on twitter, yes
Can you blame me?
My boyfriend is the hottest nhl player
Shane
🤦
Please stop twitter stalking me around your teammates
Ilya
Fine 😞
*~*
HOCKEY’S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR: SHANE HOLLANDER
By River Woods
It’s no secret that the NHL is packed with studs. But while most of them have joined the crew with “WAGs” (wives and girlfriends), there are a few that have yet to be tied down. My personal favorite? Shane Hollander.
Recently linked to famous actress Rose Landry, Shane broke the hockey news barrier and developed a pretty extensive fan base. Who knew a hockey player could be movie-star worthy? Well, anyone who takes a look at him, evidently. Fans raved over their relationship, but sources report they amicably split after a few months and remain good friends. Sad news for the fans, but it puts our boy Shane back on the market.
[read more]
Ilya
[link attached]
Did you know you’re on the market?
Shane
News to me
Ilya
Me too
Shane
What is this? Why are you reading TMZ?
Ilya
🤷 popped up on twitter
Shane
You need to delete that app
Ilya
But how else will I get my fill of Shane Hollander content?
Shane
… By spending time with me?
Ilya
😣 but you’re so far away
Shane
I’m seeing you in literally 2 days
Ilya
Too long. Come here now.
Shane
… I have time for a facetime before bed
Ilya
[calling]
*~*
Georgia @thecreaseneverlies
[photo of Shane shirtless wearing hockey shorts]
They were lying when they said hockey players aren’t hot
finn @voyageursfan04
genuinely would let him rail me raw
Georgia @thecreaseneverlies
@voyageursfan04 Same ✊😞
Poppy West @popgoestheweasel
gnawing on his abs would heal me
Ollie :) @olivermorton
Times like this i pray the gay rumors are true 🙏
Kathy @rosechildkat
To be fair to “them”, he and rozanov are like the only ones
Ilya
[screenshot of twitter thread]
Finn will be devastated to learn you’re a bottom 🙄
Shane
??
Ilya
He wants you to rail him raw
Shane
No I saw, I’m just wondering why he’s going to learn that information
Are you planning on telling him?
Ilya
No.
No one gets to rail you except me.
And if you were to rail anyone, it wouldn’t be this guy finn
Shane
I’m glad you know that
Shane
Also, why do they want to “gnaw on my abs”?
Ilya
Because they’re yummy
Shane
🤨
Ilya
At least ollie’s prayers are coming true
Shane
Less to do with Ollie and more to do with you, though
Ilya
I did not turn you gay
Shane
No, but I probably wouldn’t have figured it out if not for you and Rose
Ilya
Let’s not talk about your ex-girlfriend while we’re sexting
Shane
We’re not sexting??
Ilya
😏 but wouldn’t you like to be?
Shane
…
Ilya
That’s a yes. What are you wearing
Shane
Asshole
Ilya
You’re wearing an asshole?? So you have two now??
Shane
🙄
Ilya
How are they positioned? Could I fuck one with my tongue while my dick is in the other?
Shane
Fuck, now I want another asshole
Ilya
😏 i bet you do
*~*
shanes lover @voyageurette
[carousel of underwear model shane]
🥵💦 need him biblically
Poppy West @popgoestheweasel
istg he’s the finest man on the planet
katie @katieloveshockey
idk who fumbled whom but Rose Landry is MISSING OUT
Padma ⭐@whatthecelly
I know i’ll never have a shot with him but pleaaaasssseeeeee
Ewan D @hockeysportsguy
Shane Hollander’s brand deals are next level
Georgia @thecreaseneverlies
@hockeysportsguy Everyone say Thank You Yunaaaa
shanes lover @voyageurette
@thecreaseneverlies thank you for feeding us yunaaaa ♥️
Ilya
[screenshot of twitter thread]
Get in line, shanes lover. I was here first
And get a new name because I am Shane’s lover
Shane
You know I hate that word. But, yes. The one and only ♥️
Ilya
😊
Shane
Also, Rose is definitely not missing out. She wasn’t even missing out when we were dating
Ilya
😂
I wish people would stop linking her to you
You’re mine now
Shane
Well nobody knows that, do they?
Ilya
Unfortunately 😔
Shane
Ilya?
Ilya
It’s nothing, Shane. Just wish they’d stop thirsting over my man
Shane
Same.
Ilya
👀 they’re thirsting over me?
Shane
[screenshot attached]
Ottawa Centaurs @ottawacentaursnhl
[video of captain Ilya Rozanov overcome by puppies]
Cap tells us about his favorite hockey memories while playing with puppies!
charli ✨@charlisangels
Oh my god this is the most adorable thing i’ve ever seen
centaurs! @centaursstan
Great memories Cap!
lydiaaa @rozanovsbiggestfan
something something place name backstory stuff 😍
Harris Drover @drovesofapples
Name a better duo than Ilya and his puppies!
Ilya
That is not thirsting. That is tame, respectful admiration
Shane
Same thing
Ilya
No, not same thing
Thirsting is sexual
Admiration is not
Shane
…Well I can’t help it if I want you all to myself
Ilya
♥️ no you can’t, moy pomidor
Ilya
I know I said it was nothing but I’m starting to be quite unfond of these internet people thirsting over you. I know we’re a secret but I don’t like that I just have to sit back and let them talk about you like that..
All these people think you’re free game but you’re not!
Shane
You know I would never engage with any of them, right?
I’m with you, ride or die. You jump, I jump. We’re in this, Ilya.
Ilya
I know 😣 I just wish I could post about you like them. Why do they get to call you sexy on the internet and I can’t ???
Shane
You know why
Ilya
Doesn’t make me less angry about it
Shane
I know. Truthfully, I wish I could tell people about you, too. Maybe they’d stop talking about gnawing on me if they knew someone was already doing that on the daily.
Ilya
😈
They wouldn’t dare
Call me Kevin Costner the way I’d guard your body
Shane
You know who Kevin Costner is?
Ilya
The Bodyguard, 1992
Good film
Shane
You never cease to surprise me
Ilya
🫡
Shane
Also, Harris is wrong. I can certainly name a better duo than Ilya and puppies
Ilya
Oh?
Shane
Us.
Ilya
♥️
I’ll see you soon lover
Shane
🙄
♥️
*~*
hockey gurl 🏒 @leftiestickpasses
Does anyone else ever have the undeniable urge to shoot their shot with @shanehollanderhockey24 even though it’s entirely hopeless
shanes lover @voyageurette
every damn day 😞💔
katie @katieloveshockey
Bestie I think you just did
Georgia @thecreaseneverlies
@katieloveshockey Yeah not the tag 💀 best of luck, @leftiestickpasses ❣️
ili🌷 @ilianaaaa
God can you imagine he replies to this 😭 @shanehollanderhockey24 i love youuuu
hockey gurl 🏒 @leftiestickpasses
@ilianaaaa I would cry
Ilya
[screenshot attached]
Buying a pair of boxing gloves
Shane
Ilya…considering hockey gurl is…a girl…
Ilya
So if it was “hockey boy” the gloves would be justified?
Shane
No one’s going to fight you for me
Ilya
Shane baby, I hate to say this to you, but yes they absolutely would
Shane
What do you mean? Is there more like that?
Ilya
Have you not been paying attention to all the screenshots?
Everyone on the internet is obsessed with you
If they do not fight me I will fight them
Shane
You’re not fighting people on the internet
Ilya
I will 💪
Shane
There’s no need
Ilya
Don’t you wanna see me all sweaty though?
Shane
I can see you all sweaty in other ways that don’t involve injuring people on the internet
Ilya
😉 so you agree I’d win
Shane
I mean, that’s a given
Ilya
You must love me or something
Shane
Or something, yeah ♥️
Ilya
Getting in the car
I’ll see you in a few hours lyubímyy ♥️
Shane
Drive safe, don’t kill anyone
Ilya
No promises 😈
POPCRAVE @popcrave
BREAKING: Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov seen making out in background of new video
[link to full article]
shanes lover @voyageurette
holy shit
katie @katieloveshockey
holy shit
Padma ⭐@whatthecelly
holy shit
junie @jujubees
this can’t be real 😭
hockey gurl 🏒 @leftiestickpasses
well crap, can rozanov fight?
ili 🌷@ilianaaaa
uhm… WHAT!?
Georgia @thecreaseneverlies
I must’ve died and woken in a different dimension 💀
charli ✨@charlisangels
okay which one of you deepfaked a Hayden Pike fanmail video?
Poppy West @popgoestheweasel
Ummm no, fuckboy Rozanov does not deserve angel baby Shane !!!!
Shane
Ilya?
Ilya
Shane?
Shane
What the fuck are we going to do?
Ilya
First we’ll talk over our options with Farah. I know this isn’t ideal, but we could spin this around.
Shane
I don’t want to deny anything
Ilya
I don’t either, moy lyubov ♥️
Shane
Should we just do it then? How would we even go about this?
Ilya
I might have an idea
Shane
One that doesn’t involve beating up the entire internet?
Ilya
Of course
Do you trust me?
Shane
Always
Ilya
Brb
Shane
👀
hockey gurl 🏒 @leftiestickpasses
well crap, can rozanov fight?
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@leftiestickpasses best of luck, my regards
[picture of ilya flexing in the mirror in shane’s bedroom, shane can be seen smiling fondly in the reflection]
Poppy West @popgoestheweasel
Ummm no, fuckboy Rozanov does not deserve angel baby Shane !!!!
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@popgoestheweasel well he’s mine and I’m his, so deal with it
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
[picture of Ilya bear-hugging Shane from behind, kissing his cheek]
you can look but you can’t touch, he’s with me ♥️
Hayden Pike @pikeplayshockey
We get it, you’re in love 🙄
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@pikeplayshockey Get out of my comment section Pike
Shane Hollander @shanehollanderhockey24
@ilyarozanov81 Ilya, play nice. He’s being supportive.
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@shanehollanderhockey24 He rolled his eyes!
Hayden Pike @pikeplayshockey
@ilyarozanov81 And I’m sorry about the video! 😞
Yuna Hollander @yunahollander
Proud of my favorite boys ♥️
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@yunahollander lyublyu tebya, Yuna!
Shane Hollander @shanehollanderhockey24
@yunahollander Love you, Mom!
katie @katieloveshockey
Oh he’s not letting anybody near his man ever again
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@katieloveshockey lay a hand on him and we’re both getting arrested
lydiaaa @rozanovsbiggestfan
omg whattttt 😭 no way my fave is locked down!!
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@rozanovsbiggestfan and throwing away the key
junie @jujubees
okay sir no need to break the internet 🫨
ili 🌷@ilianaaaa
screaming crying throwing up
Padma ⭐@whatthecelly
Classic rozanov to hardlaunch him & shane by being possessive as hell!!
Georgia @thecreaseneverlies
Yuna involved 😭
Rose Landry @theroselandry
relax, no one’s coming for your man
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@theroselandry 🤨
Harris Drover @drovesofapples
I stand corrected! Best duo of the century right here 💗
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@drovesofapples *millenia
POPCRAVE @popcrave
BREAKING: Ilya Rozanov confirms relationship with hockey rival Shane Hollander, says “you can look but you can’t touch, he’s with me”
[read full article]
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
And I did not stutter
finn @voyageursfan04
but could we share?
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@voyageursfan04 No
Ollie :) @olivermorton
I KNEW SHANE WAS GAY
so sorry @ilyarozanov81 I was unfamiliar with your game sir
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov81
@olivermorton Get used to it.
charli ✨@charlisangels
did not see this one coming. happy for you, i guess?
Ilya
How was that?
Shane
As good as can be expected, I guess
Ilya
At least now that TMZ lady can say I took you off the market
Shane
Hey, I took YOU off the market
Ilya
Maybe
But I took you to the moon the first time we fucked, and you never looked back
Shane
Fair.
Ilya
And true
Shane
Maybe.
Who was it begging for my asshole though? 🤔
Ilya
… Evil man
Shane
😘