Work Text:
I still need to dance in the rain
twirl around with someone who loves me
maybe kiss someone
before I die
I need to drive a car
go to another concert
and another
and another.
Before I die
I need to graduate.
Need to get on the damn plane
and end up somewhere far away from here.
Need to dance on stage
to recite poetry in front of a crowd
to publish a book.
Before I die
I need to buy my first house
to go see waterfalls
to stop living inside my own head
to meet someone new
maybe fall in love
get my heart broken bad
but not feel like my world is collapsing.
Before I die
I need to be clean for a year
then two.
then three and four and five
until I'm not even counting anymore
and the scars have all but faded away
Before I die
I need to dye my hair
bubblegum pink or electric blue or neon green
or maybe all of them and more
Before I die
I need to have a life I am excited to wake up to
I need to love it with everything in me
this one chance to be alive
and maybe I already fucked it up.
I've got scars on my arms and thighs
ten months clean but I think about it every day
barely holding on by a single thread
about to break under the pressure of it all--
---I'm slipping
I'm drowning
I'm falling apart
nobody's coming to save me.
So maybe I should just do it now.
Do it do it do it do it
DO IT NOW
Pick up the knife
or the bottle of pills
get it over with
--you're slipping.
But I have to kiss someone first.
I have to graduate first.
I have to love myself first.
Only then
once I've been truly, honestly happy
can I let myself die.