Work Text:
[TEXT ON SCREEN: You asked, we answered…]
SHANE HOLLANDER
Hello, Centaurs fans! [He waves awkwardly.]
[CUT]
ILYA ROZANOV
Today Shane and I will be answering some of the most frequently asked questions–
[CUT]
SHANE
–because Harris told us to.
HARRIS DROVER (off camera)
And because you want to!
SHANE (hesitantly)
…And because we want to.
[CUT]
ILYA
But Harris decided to make it more fun, so we are answering separately.
[CUT]
SHANE
I’m gonna win.
HARRIS
You aren’t competing–
[CUT]
ILYA
Everything is a competition, Harris. And I will win this.
HARRIS
Okay…
[CUT]
HARRIS
First question: Who made the first move?
ILYA
Uh…
[CUT]
SHANE
Me.
[CUT]
ILYA
Me. Shane was a Canadian boy, he was too shy to ask for what he really wanted. [He winks at the camera]
HARRIS
Ilya, please.
ILYA
A friend! Wait–
[CUT]
SHANE
I approached him first, before the draft, so I think that counts? Right?
[CUT]
ILYA (with his head in his hands)
F***, it was Shane.
[CUT]
HARRIS
When did you two start being a thing?
[CUT]
SHANE
Twenty-seventeen.
[CUT]
ILYA
Two-thousand-and-eleven, technically. But realistically was two-thousand-and-eight.
[CUT]
HARRIS
Where was your first date?
SHANE
What counts as a date?
[CUT]
ILYA
Shane’s cottage. It was very romantic, he told the Canadian wolf birds that he would fight them for me.
HARRIS
When was this?
ILYA (smiling dreamily)
Twenty-seventeen.
HARRIS
Literally how–
[CUT]
SHANE
Okay, with regular date criteria… um, the All Stars in Miami, twenty-seventeen? I mean, it was technically before we started dating, but it checks all the boxes… I think.
[CUT]
SHANE (frowning and counting his points on his fingers)
We were alone, we talked about compatibility–
[CUT]
ILYA
Shane is much more romantic than people think.
[CUT]
SHANE (continuing the list)
We talked about our future plans… kind of, we planned to meet again, we fu–
[CUT]
HARRIS
When did you become official?
SHANE
I thought you already asked that?
[CUT]
ILYA
Twenty-seventeen. Was a very good summer that year.
[CUT]
HARRIS
I asked when you were a thing.
SHANE
And that’s different from dating?
HARRIS
Yeah.
SHANE
Can I change my answer then?
HARRIS (apprehensively)
…Go ahead.
SHANE
Okay, so first question: two-thousand-eleven, this question: twenty-seventeen.
HARRIS
Jesus Christ.
[CUT]
ILYA
What do you mean “situationship from hell”?
HARRIS
Nothing, don’t worry about it.
ILYA
Harris!! Tell me!!
[CUT]
HARRIS
Who said “I love you” first, and when?
ILYA
Ah… Shane will get this wrong.
[CUT]
SHANE
Ilya, twenty-seventeen?
[CUT]
ILYA
It was me, and it was in twenty-fourteen. I was talking in Russian, so Shane did not understand… [He sniffs loudly]
[CUT]
ILYA
I have loved Shane a long time, maybe longer than he thinks. [He shrugs]
[CUT]
HARRIS
Who knew about you before you came out?
SHANE
Generous, calling it coming out.
[CUT]
ILYA
Sveta, Yuna, David–
[CUT]
SHANE
Hayden Pike, my parents, um, Svetlana Vetrova…
[CUT]
ILYA
That is it.
HARRIS
Really?
ILYA
Oh, I forgot. Scott Hunter knew.
HARRIS
How?
ILYA
He was next door during All Stars twenty-seventeen.
HARRIS
And this meant he knew… How?
ILYA
My Shane is not very quiet when he is having a good time.
[CUT]
SHANE
And I think Scott Hunter knew, too. [He flushes.]
[CUT]
HARRIS
Have either of you thrown a game for the other?
SHANE (deadly serious)
I would rather die.
[CUT]
ILYA
No. We are best hockey players in the league, not playing our best against each other is boring. And it is much less sexy, too.
[CUT]
SHANE
Ilya and I only played our best against each other. We tested our limits every game because we wanted to be better, and playing against each other gave us that challenge. To say we would throw games for each other is a huge mischaracterisation of the both of us. And its f***ing insulting.
[CUT]
ILYA
Shane will give you a very polished answer for this one. He will not tell you how hot and bothered he gets when I score against him; it is crazy the way he–
[CUT]
HARRIS
Who is the least organised?
[CUT]
ILYA
Oh, no, Harris he will be so mean–
[CUT]
SHANE
It’s Ilya. He’s f***ing disgusting, sometimes I threaten divorce because he’s so–
[CUT]
ILYA
I leave socks on the floor one time and he acts like the Canadian 9/11 happened, it’s–
[CUT]
HARRIS
Who proposed and how?
ILYA
It was Shane.
HARRIS
Oh, really?
ILYA
I said he is very romantic. Nobody believes me. [He sighs.] They all think he is a hot Canadian hockey robot. But he is so mushy and [He makes a gesture like he is gripping something tightly.] I want to crush him.
HARRIS
Um–
[CUT]
SHANE
I did. After the– after the whole plane scare. [He shrugs.] I thought about living in a world where Ilya wasn’t there, and where there wasn’t any proof of us loving each other as ourselves and… Yeah. I drove up and asked him.
[CUT]
ILYA (smiling ruefully)
It was very emotional. And a bit unexpected. But it is one of the happiest moments of my life.
[CUT]
HARRIS
Sorry, you drove up-?
SHANE
Yeah.
HARRIS
Noted. No further questions.
SHANE
Oh, we’re done?
HARRIS
No, no, sorry. I just meant about that.
[CUT]
HARRIS
Who is better at hockey?
[CUT]
ILYA
I AM!
[CUT]
SHANE
I am.
[Video speeds up.]
[TEXT ON SCREEN: Shane then proceeded to list statistics from their rookie season to the present. With commentary.]
[CUT]
HARRIS
Who wakes up first?
ILYA
Shane.
[CUT]
SHANE
Me.
[CUT]
ILYA
He is like the clock. He gets up at 5 A.M. to do yoga and run and have a disgusting smoothie every day. It's gross.
[CUT]
SHANE (shrugging)
I like routine, and it’s important to take care of your body.
[CUT]
HARRIS
What is one thing you would change about your partner?
SHANE
Get rid of his habit of leaving dirty clothes on the floor.
[CUT]
ILYA
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[CUT]
SHANE
And stop eating junk food because it’s bad for his heart.
[CUT]
ILYA
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmm.
[CUT]
SHANE
And maybe take more vitamins because he’s deficient in a few.
[CUT]
HARRIS
We can move on, Ilya.
ILYA
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[CUT]
SHANE
That’s… that’s it.
[CUT]
ILYA
Yes, let’s move on.
[CUT]
HARRIS
What was the biggest step in your relationship, in your opinion?
SHANE
Well, maybe saying our first names.
[CUT]
ILYA
Actually calling him by his name.
HARRIS
Why, what happened?
ILYA
[He sighs.]
[CUT]
SHANE
I don’t know, it freaked me out, man.
HARRIS
When did it happen?
SHANE
Oh, like twenty-sixteen.
HARRIS
What the f–
[CUT]
HARRIS
How long have you loved each other?
SHANE
Honestly?
HARRIS
Preferably, yes.
SHANE
The whole time.
[CUT]
ILYA
December twenty-third, two-thousand-and-eight.
HARRIS
Sorry?
ILYA (contemplatively)
Since then, I think.
[CUT]
HARRIS
What's the whole time?
SHANE
Since December twenty-third, two-thousand-eight.
[CUT]
HARRIS
What would you like Ilya to know going into this season?
SHANE (slowly, and looking very concentrated)
Oh, Jeez. Uh, Ya lyublyu tebya, ya tak rad, chto v etom godu budu igrat' s toboyoo khokkey, Ilyusha.
[TEXT ON SCREEN: “I love you, I'm so glad I’ll be playing hockey with you this year, Ilyusha.”]
[CUT]
HARRIS
What would you like Shane to know going into this season?
ILYA
Hm. I love you, moy saray dlya instrumentov. This year we will play our best hockey yet.
[CUT]
HARRIS
And finally: What would you like to say to your new teammate[s]?
ILYA
I look forward to using the locker room with you, moy lyubov. [He winks.]
HARRIS
Seriously?
[CUT]
SHANE (smiling awkwardly)
I hope that we can work together and play some damn good hockey.
[CUT]
WYATT HAYES
We love you, Cap! And we love you, Hollzy! I can’t wait to win a f***ing Cup with you!
[CUT]
TROY BARRETT
It’s an honor to be on a team with you, and we’ll try our best to keep up.
[CUT]
HAYDEN PIKE (from a self-recorded video)
Wishing you the best with your new team, brother! The move doesn’t mean you can’t babysit for us, though. The next Montreal-Centaurs game is my date night, don’t forget!
[CUT]
ZANE BOODRAM
You wipe the floor with us during practice, but it’s worth it for the games. Here’s to a Cup! [He cheers’ with an invisible cup.]
[CUT]
CLIFF MARLEAU (from a self-recorded video)
Already told you good luck with the new team, Roz, so I’ll say it to Hollander instead. Good luck, and please, please be nice to Boston… please. Man, genuinely, you don’t get it–
[CUT]
LUCA HAAS
I am excited to play with two of the best hockey players in the world! I will try my best to keep up. [He gives an awkward double thumbs up to the camera.]
[CUT]
J.J. BOIZIAU (from a self-recorded video)
Wishing you all the best, brother! You’ll make our lives hell soon enough, but at least it won’t be with 5 A.M. bag skates!
[CUT]
EVAN DRYSKA
Hell yeah! Stanley Cup finals, here we come! Vive les Centaures!
[TEXT ON SCREEN: “Long live the Centaurs!”]
[CUT]
CLIFF
–it’s hell out here, man, and I’m like supportive and everything, but you two on ice together is actually f***ing evil–
[CUT]
NICK CHOUINARD
We’re totally getting to the finals this year… holy sh**.
[CUT]
SCOTT HUNTER (from a self-recorded video)
Wishing you two the best! And also wishing that I decided to retire last season…
[CUT]
YOUNG and BOYLE and HOLMBERG (chanting in synchro)
Stan-ley Cup! Stan-ley Cup! Let’s. Get. The. Stan-ley Cup! Cap. and. Holl-an-der. Let’s. Win. The. Stan-ley Cup!
[CUT]
CLIFF
So.. good luck, but not too much, because honestly you don’t need it, bro. God, it’s so over… [He stares blankly past the camera.]
[CUT]
LaPointe
Je pense que nous irons gagner cette année! Allez Centaures!
[TEXT ON SCREEN: “I think we will win this year! Go Centaurs!”]
[CUT]
YUNA HOLLANDER (from a self-recorded video)
We’re so proud of you, boys!
DAVID HOLLANDER (from the same self-recorded video)
Go get ‘em, Cens!
[CUT]
COACH WIEBE
Welcome to the Cens, Shane. Let’s win some hockey games.
[CUT]
HARRIS (on camera)
Let’s go Centaurs! [He brings his hand up to cover the camera lens.]
[CUT]
[TEXT ON SCREEN: Catch us at the next game on 01/10/18.
Buy your tickets now at https//:centaurshockeytickets
See you there!]
[CUT]
SHANE
So, who won?
HARRIS (resigned to his fate)
[He sighs.] …It was a tie.
SHANE
F***.
[END]