Chapter Text
Dirk bolts.
He just does it, at the crack of dawn. He runs. Leaves. Gone. Vamoosed.
The dreams he has are hazy messes. That was the finale, final straw, aside from the obvious one.
The dreams are of Todd and Farah- but mostly Todd- looking angry. Repeating everything over and over- a constant loop. And that's if he can even sleep. Todd bleeding out on the floor and then him, small and pale, in the hospital bed, replays constantly. It’s hard to fall asleep when those mental images are lodged in one’s brain.
He can't stay here. This isn't home. People get hurt. They get hurt regardless, but this time he was attached- he got close. And he fucked it up so bad this time.
There is no direction, no maps, no plan. Just going somewhere. That's how he works, he was never built for settling down anywhere in the first place. Why did he think this time could ever be different?
Dirk carries little with him. His apartment didn't have much to begin with, so he just shoves some clothes into his overnight bag. He hesitates over the Mexican Funeral shirt, but ultimately decides to take it. A reminder of the could-beens and never-wills. A punishment of pushing for things that he shouldn't have.
Scribbling out one final note, he darts out of his apartment without so much of a final glance. An entire existence tucked away in an overnight bag.
Public transport is his go-to again. The amboolents is too... obvious. Something people will take note of, something that's easily found. Plus, Todd and Farah would need it more than him- he'll get by just fine.
Dirk's shit at a lot of things, but blending away into the background is something he's exceptional at, so it's of no concern of his, anyway. He runs his hands over the leather of his jacket, squeezing the material in his fingers. Perhaps he should've gone for something less conspicuous than a yellow jacket, but it's always provided a source of comfort for him. And he is beyond terrified right now.
He has no idea what he's doing. Everything is a tight pressure, more intense than anything he's felt before. He gazes out the window, watching people living their lives, as he speeds past them, letting the world drift on by.
He gets off at a random stop and treks down the streets. Eventually he finds a motel and that's good enough. His body hurts and his head is screaming. He books into room 42.
Immediately, when he enters the room, he settles into his old routines. Cover mirrors, check for any hidden cameras, any mikes. Stay in the dark. He needs dark walls and sense of not being watched. He sits on one of the musty beds and just stares blankly ahead.
Then the thoughts come trickling in.
The life-ruining monster. All those dead people in a trail behind him. The false hope he builds up in people only to snuff it out in front of them. They all got it right. Priest, Blackwing, Charles. Todd. They all nailed it.
He's so angry. The anger burns under his skin. He was supposed to be getting better. At least, that's how he had been convincing himself. But he knew that, deep down, he was the pinnacle of a trainwreck in the making.
There's almost a resentment towards Todd. No, not an almost. He does resent Todd, in a way. Todd entered his life of eccentric unpredictabilities and just took it all in, because he's perfect like that. And Dirk hates him.
He should never have come back to me. Dirk smiles bitterly.
He hates him just as much as he's in love with him. Because of course that's what would happen.
His head is pounding. Is it the Universe trying to tell him something?
Shut up. Dirk tells it. I want peace. I want to be numb. I just want things to be okay.
Then, the door opens and Todd Brotzman enters, filling the space with the sun.
"Hey," Todd smiles softly. "You falling asleep on me, man?"
"Hmngk... not in the slightest." Dirk pushes himself up straighter, not realising he was slouching on Todd's shoulder. He's exhausted.
Todd nudges him. "I don't mind. I'm just glad you're here."
Dirk doesn't respond to that. Maybe what he did was impulsive in the grand scheme of things, and thinking of the consequences has never been his strong suit. But... he isn't okay. He's come to terms how not okay he truly has been for a good long while. He can't deny that. His mind is already a delicate structure and it wouldn't have taken much to make it cave in on itself.
But now, sitting in a diner with Farah sitting opposite and Todd sitting next to him, the length of their thighs touching and shoulders brushing, Dirk knows he's made a step in the direction of okay. One single step, but that's a step nonetheless.
He wonders if Todd had met him at the hospital back then, if they would've gone to this diner with Farah. How would've he have felt in that life? Hopeful? Happy?
Maybe he can achieve that now.
When Farah leaves for the restroom, he glances over at Todd. He's fiddling with his phone- presumably sending a text to Amanda. Dirk will need to apologise to her at some point, too- he knows she got roped into this.
The sun illuminates Todd, giving a gentle glow to his profile. Softening his features, giving a rosy flush to his cheeks.
He looks so beautiful. Dirk has to flicker his gaze away before there's too much pink in his own cheeks. Those feelings never left. Despite it all, he could never stop truly loving Todd.
He thinks back to the motel. After Todd cracked open his ribs, so he could give Dirk his heart. As if to say; 'this belongs to you.' Dirk's never been in such a position. The one he's most in love with, kneeling in front of him, picking up the messy little parts of himself, as if it's no big deal. Just making sure he's okay. Saying things that make Dirk a little crazy if he dwells on them too long.
And somehow Todd just casually saying that he loves him, that he worries for him, made Dirk want to clutch his face and kiss him senseless. But he freaked out at the last second. Every single possible emotion one could have towards someone was felt in the span of a few minutes- more than he could handle right then. Kissing seems like a bad idea in the moment.
But leaving Todd behind? How could he have done that? That was a far worse idea. He's glad Todd came back to him.
Farah returns, and they get ready to go home. Dirk hums to himself, thoughtfully. Home. It feels right this time round.
Dirk sleeps for the remainder of the day. He's briefly roused from sleep by a text from Todd.
- Hey getting takeout. Wanna join?
Dirk considers it. But he feels pretty delicate right now.
- no but thank u for asking :)
The next day, he wakes early. He doesn't feel good, but not necessarily bad, either. His head feels good and clear. No hunches. No need to be in the agency today, so he lets his friends know. He showers, too. He hadn't for over a day and that helped a lot feeling cleaner, both physically and mentally.
Now there's no immediate threat and his mind has no heavy haze clouding it, he reflects on the then and now. He paces, restless. His mind is running, but he isn't concerned on whether he can catch it.
He hears the sound of a guitar above him. Todd. Those running thoughts were about him, naturally. Dirk runs a hand through his hair. Todd. Perfect, perfect Todd. The perfection conflicts him.
He finds himself sprawling out on the floor, in the middle of his home. The lights are on, and despite his gnawing anxiety, he feels a lot more settled within himself. Emotionally, he's a starfish. A new one for him, but it's a surprisingly good one.
He stares at the ceiling, replaying that moment. He wanted to kiss Todd so bad. He's in love with him. That's a fact, pure and simple.
And Todd... Todd leaned in too, didn't he?
Dirk swallows, nervously. He wasn't crazy. He knows what he saw. He couldn't have imagined that, not ever. He sits up.
Todd wanted to kiss him.
Is Todd...? No, surely not. But maybe... it's possible... couldn't it?
He hates Todd, whilst being deeply in love with him. That frustration towards him can't go overnight. That's the conflict. He wishes these emotions would smooth themselves out. He wants to kiss Todd; he wants to hold him. He wants to do a lot of things with him.
But... then he remembers what Todd said. And he knows Todd regrets it. He just wishes he knew sooner. Maybe that would've made this less... less whatever this is.
He isn't sure how to go about it.
I need to see him. Tell him the truth at least, he deserves to know that. Dirk decides, standing up. He reaches for his phone on the coffee table. Just... I need to see him. Maybe there will be a lick of sense of what to do. Work out how I’m feeling.
He taps out a message for Todd.
- can i come to yours?
Barely a minute later, his phone buzzes.
- Sure!
Before he lets his mind convince him otherwise, he leaves for Todd's apartment. Heart beating louder with each step, just hoping he made the right choice.