Chapter Text
It's been a while since you've been home. A couple seasons off planet, at least. You wonder idly if your moirail’s big hive will still feel like home, but you figure, as long as she’s around, who gives a fuck? You pick at the strange, carpeted bus seat of your dingy public transport prison, and wait for Kanaya to text you back.
Your threshecutioner flaysquad is off duty until the council on Yoquon decides how exactly they want to use their resources. As a result, select members of said resources get sent on restorative leave. You don't know how long you have this time around, although you'd say at least a couple months. No one is getting their shit together any time soon on Yoquon. The council won't even begin to bring up the subject for at least a couple weeks, the whole fucking state you were in is traffic jammed with some… pointless power struggle, internal affairs or some shit. You kind of zoned out on that particular debriefing, but nobody could possibly blame you, Yoquon is such a maze of backstabbing and usurping that it's hard to know who's in charge for more than five minutes at a time. It’s a disgusting mock-up of a government, really.
But as fucking wasteful as sending your incredible squad off to a shithole like Yoquon is, all you really care about at this particular moment is that you get a break. It’s common practice, if a squad isn't being marched off to the fields immediately, that the sergeant is sent home to get his ass papped and his head sorted so he can come back and make rational decisions. And since your squad isn’t seeing any action any time soon, those goons get handed over to someone else for drills and you get to lounge around in the arms of your moirail for some blissfully undetermined amount of time. Who cares if you are more put together than half the Yoquon council, for once the government is doing something that works for you.
You've been mindlessly texting back and forth with Kanaya for the last two hours of this godforsaken bus ride. It's crowded and poorly lit and your temperament is not holding up to the challenge. You're not sure how your peers in the threshecutioner corps judged your moirailship with your big indigo terror, but the way they look at you when you’re yelling, you're pretty sure they think she has to spend an hour every night telling you you're pretty just like all the other kids.
The distance is harder on her, though. You're away a lot, and Kanaya works as CEO of her own landscaping business, which requires an unreasonable amount of interaction with very frustrated, self-righteous flecks of highblood hoofbeastshit. It winds her up so badly, you’d tell her to quit but she loves her scumsucking job. And then Terezi will inevitably coerce Kanaya into navigating high society ballrooms full of straight up assholes for hours on end, without your specialized support. She's still convinced she'll lose it after a bad day at work and try to massacre the whole room, but frankly you think maybe she should stop giving herself such high standards and just terrify the gourd-thumping ghosts out of high society. They could stand to be taught a little humility, and as always, she could stand to let her hair down.
Of course, that can’t actually happen, that’s a dumb fantasy, you couldn't live with yourself if it played out. Kanaya would be sad and people would be dead. That would be the outcome. So you spend hours on the phone with her, hoping to scold the tension right out of her back, and you force her to stop being a huge square in other ways. Like stopping her from brushing her fangs twice every night and fucking flossing oh my god. She flosses twice a night. You are literally going to hide her floss and force her to deal with it.
You cannot wait to see her.
Which reminds you, there's one other person you're hoping to catch sometime on planet. You flip through your phone contacts to find the woman you've been dating flush. It's been a little over a month since you’ve been with Loethe, and you think it's… going alright, actually. You like her a lot, and you’re a solid 75% sure she likes you. Might as well check and see when she'll be on planet. You pause as you leaf through the names. Your thumb hovers over ERIDAN AMPORA, in juvenile all caps, like it's shouting at you. You don’t know why you haven’t deleted him yet. Like he's going to ring you up or something, ask how your day was. You doubt this is even still his number.
You scroll past his name. You'll delete it later, you've got a girlfriend to ask after. A very nice one, who has never so much as suggested wearing a cape.
She's been on Yoquon with you, she's sergeant of her own squad, which has been in the same boat as yours for a couple months now. Of course she's being sent home as well, although she doesn't have a moirail to see. (They always sort of hint under the table that single threshes on leave should find themselves a pale one-night stand-in. they can't officially endorse that suggestion, but god do they prefer a sane army.) It turns out, by some small miracle, that Loethe keeps home base on the same planet you and Kanaya settled on. With a pretty short commute, too, she lives in the same city Kanaya works in. You're looking forward to being in a pointedly non-official setting with her. You're not sure you quite want to do the whole meet-the-moirail song and dance yet, but you can at least take her out proper. Dinner and a movie, a walk by the river. Show her you're not all business and gunpowder.
You find Loethe in your phone and send her a quick hello as the bus lurches and slows. Shoving your phone back in your pocket, you glue your nose to the window, and yes, oh yes, that's the station. A sweeter smog-filled hellscape you have never seen. You squint through distorted plastic bus windows at the heads outside as people around you begin to shuffle their things together and stand. Aaaand…. there, there she is, her horns sticking up over the crowd. Beautiful and terrifying, Kanaya is the image tattooed on your bloodpusher. God, she's huge, you always forget how big she is. It's like she grows a couple inches every time you’re gone, just to spite you. You're going to make her carry you the whole way home. It takes perigees to get off the bus, because everyone hates you and thinks maybe you haven't memorized the shitty bus seat cover pattern yet, but when you finally shuffle off the steps Kanaya bends over to swoop you up. You get your arms around her strong neck and kiss her bony jaw. It's good to be home.
___
Kanaya drives you home in her scuttlebug. You had always planned to live with Kanaya after you left Alternia, it had taken very little persuasion before she agreed. Your home base hive is grand and white, tall, and as intimidating as staring a behemoth in the flaming snout. It’s also enormous. You think you have a ballroom somewhere? You have a vague recollection of a ballroom. The whole thing is more or less Kanaya’s doing, which you don’t mind. It’s a functional house, however astronomically high the ceilings are. And it’s familiar and stuff you care about is in there, like your moirail, and your movie collection. You don’t go into the gardens behind the hive, though, you’d get lost. That is, in point of fact, is a thing you have done in the past.
You toss what things you brought with you into your old respiteblock, which is dusty with disuse. You’ll have to replace the sopor in your recuperacoon. You take a moment to glance over your bookshelf and your posters. Oh, fuck yes, your hard copy DVDs. Three of them, like old friends. You pick up The Switch. It’s not like you can’t just watch your digital copy any time, but there’s something about holding it that you like. They don’t even make DVDs anymore, you don’t think. Feferi got this off Eekbay for your 7th wriggling day, back on Alternia. God, she was basically your best friend. Maybe you’ll tell her you still have it next time you catch her online. If you ever get to actually see her again, maybe you’ll make her sit down and watch it with you.
You don’t bother to wash and refill your recuperacoon. Instead, you settle into Kanaya’s with her for the day, curled into her shoulders and tracing the feathers tattooed on her collarbone. There wasn't really much debate on where you were sleeping, she didn't try very hard to detangle you from her elbows. She breathes deeply and steadily into your hair. It's your favorite of her breathing patterns, it's the one you get when she doesn't want to kill anyone. Not even a little bit. "Do you know how long you're home for?" she asks, and you shrug.
"Forever," you say. "They'll never take me back, I'll chain myself to your desk. Live off of carpet lint and passing beetles. It will be a sad existence, the Thresh Corps will take a look at me and decide they could do better anyways. I'll be in your personal space forever, an olive stain on your vision. You'll never get laid again."
"I will just have to use your room."
"You would barely fit on my platform, you titan," you say. She hums in response. "I guess I'll chain myself to my own desk," you compromise. "I'm assuming you'll come visit me. Bring me some food sometimes."
"Probably not. I'm a very busy woman, Karkat. Landscapes do not design themselves."
"I call your bluff!" you say. "I think you are bluffing. Actually, I can never tell when you're joking, Kanaya, because you’re horrible at it. Please tell me you would bring me some saltines or something if I chained myself to a desk."
"Speaking of you chained up," Kanaya says, completely ignoring your clever jab, "Are you going to have your girlfriend over? Should I have soundproofed your room?"
"Har har," you say. "But, no, I don't know, she lives on her own, I'll probably just spend time at her place."
"Oh?” Kanaya says. “Do you not want me to meet her?"
You groan exasperatedly into her neck. "Is that what I said? Did you hear those words come out of my mouth? My memory must be failing me because I distinctly remember saying none of them."
Kanaya just taps your back patiently, and ignores you. Which is admittedly a pretty good tactic for handling you. “Karkat," she says, "My hot crossed bun, you've been dating her for at least two perigees. I think you can introduce us without it being weird. Besides, you owe me this, because I never met the last one at all."
"Which turned out to be a great thing, if you'll remember, because I was dumped very fast. Remarkably fast. I think I am setting new records. Can you call up troll Guinness and-"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Kanaya says. It’s not strictly moirail territory, relationship issues, but you always liked to dig your nose into her own romantic ventures. And it became habit for her to get her long, manicured fingers into your quadrants as well, even though hers are 100% more likely to inspire the 20th troll chainsaw massacre film. And now you basically have no secrets. As much as you hate to admit it, it’s been helpful. You think all moirails should have to listen to the small problems. There would be fewer large problems if they did.
When you don't answer, she gently pries you away from her bosom and props you up against the recuperacoon to look at her. "If you think you're going to be dumped again, maybe you should try doing something about it."
"I'm not going to be," you say. "She likes me, we're fine, I'm not going to fuck this one up, probably."
"You remember, you don't need serendipity to have a good relationship," Kanaya says. “You can just have one.” You groan at her and sink down, so the soper slime muffles all the shitty sounds that come from your mouth. Kanaya pulls you back up and wipes your face.
"Yeah, I know," you say. "Thanks, troll Dr. Phil."
"You’re very welcome."
“I just think we’ve talked this one out, is all,” you say. “I’ve been doing my best with Loethe, I’m watching out for signs that I’m pushing her away, and I think I’ve been doing fine.”
“You’ve only been dating her for a couple weeks,” Kanaya says. “Will you do so well when you start to get closer?”
“I don’t know, I mean, I think we’re already getting closer. I think the best thing to do is just to keep going, for now. Hypothesis: we will never break up, you will eat your words.”
Kanaya just rolls her eyes. "Karkat, no offense, but you are not as good at this as you think you are. Bring her around sometime before you leave planet, it's at least a good show of faith that you want her in your life."
"I know, I know," you say. And then, "maybe." She rolls you back onto her shoulder and traps you with her long arms. It's a prison separating you from the rest of the world. Just how you like it.
After a moment, Kanaya says, "Do you want to talk about Eridan?"
"Don't you have anything you want to air out?" You say, “I know for a fact you argued with your PA today. How does that make you feel.” She gives you a sharp pap to the head in response. Ok, Karkat is still on the hot spot, wonderful. "Is there anything to say about Eridan?"
"Maybe not," Kanaya says, combing her fingers through your hair. "It's just been a while since he came up. I was wondering how that was going for you."
"It hasn't changed. I mean, why would it? There's nothing else to analyze. Do you want to analyze whether or not there’s anything left to analyze? We can do that, check our work three times, and then analyze how we checked our work and so on, spiraling into the infinity of stupid. We can get so deep into the details that we forget it was about Eridan at all, ever. Actually, that sounds great, you start."
"Karkat-"
"Kanaya, I'm working on it. We don’t have to connect any of my problems back to Eridan. There is nothing left to uncover."
Kanaya sighs. "Karkat, you said ‘working on it’ perigees ago, and perigees before that. I just think three sweeps is going to be a little long to be 'working on it'."
"It's been barely two sweeps. Barely." You’re not really feeling this today. This morning you were going to put your palms all over Kanaya's skin and fix her up, it was going to be therapeutic for the both of you and she was going to be sooo thankful that you were here to save her from herself, at long last. But talking about Eridan gets you nowhere. It doesn't help, it doesn't change anything, and you don't want to get into it this morning. Or ever again, really. You are completely ready to put that entire chapter of your life behind you. You were ready to put it behind you seasons and seasons ago.
But you end up thinking about it a lot anyways, because you apparently literally cannot stop yourself from being a miserable, self-destructive disgust lump. You and Eridan had been good matesprits, before you left Alternia. Really good. Stardust kind of good. Like in the old folktales, as though an ancient star exploded and scattered, and all the cosmic ashes from that one star solidified into you and this scrappy psiionic kid. And you were being pulled back together by fate. It had been like the universe telling you serendipity was real, you spent your last sweeps on Alternia with Kanaya on one arm and Eridan on the other. Being matesprits with Eridan had been really hard, sure, but every time you pulled through a fight it was like you were a little bit more meant to be. Nothing was really enough of an issue to stop you from liking him, and the stupid jokes he made, the ease with which he deflected the nasty things you said, and the time and effort he put in for you. And God knows why, he stuck to you like glue. You were never going to break up, you were going to grow up to be Karkat Vantas, Revolutionary King, Badass Extraordinaire and Eridan was going to be that guy who was still dating you.
Neither of those things happened. You are Karkat Vantas, Extremely Adequate Threshecutioner, Faithful Servant of the Empress, Long Will She Live. And Eridan’s gone.
The last time you saw him, you were lightheaded from screaming and he was babbling on, trying to explain himself, you guess, although you hadn’t heard him. It had all been so… like him. But you had never actually thought he'd do anything. You thought he'd just sit at home on his ass grumbling while you and Feferi did your own thing. So you'd yelled--and boy, can you yell--and Feferi had shaken and screamed.
And then you never saw him again. When you ordered him gone he fled the scene, and by the time you made it around to his house, just before ascension, to figure out where he fit into things now, he was gone. He had packed up and left. No goodbye, no apology.
But it doesn’t matter. Maybe you don’t have the faith you used to in flush. But it's hardly an issue. It's a non-issue. It's been sweeps, you got a life, you live in a humongous, beautiful hive with your beautiful moirail, and you command the bravest squad you've ever met down the best paths you can carve out for them. You’ve got a pretty girl who wants to make out with you. One day your shitty brain will decide it's had enough and give up holding onto an age-old heartbreak.
Kanaya nudges your cheek. "Are you with me?"
"Yeah," you say, "Sorry. I've been traveling for two days and I may have left part of my sponge back on that godforsaken bus."
"I think that is just an excuse to get out of this feelings jam."
"Kanaya," you say, propping yourself up a little to look into her eyes, "that is exactly what it is. I have a proposition for you. Let's confront our problems tomorrow." you give her a peck on the lips. "As a change of plans, tonight let's pretend they don't exist. Now put your hand back on my head. Pet my hair. Yes, there you go."
You shuffle yourself back down towards her rumble spheres, let the slime buoy you, and relax into her touch. You can feel her chest move as she chuckles, and even with whatever exasperation it carries, that means you have won. There will be no more dwelling on things you can't change tonight. Only the deep, steady breathing of your moirail, and, eventually, sleep.
---
Loethe turns out to be just two nights behind you, and you make plans to take her out in the city the night after she gets home. You spend admittedly too long researching where to take her, and Kanaya is predictably unhelpful. She does hold you down to give you a haircut, though, which you would resent her for if you didn't look significantly better afterwards.
"And think about inviting her over," Kanaya reminds you, the evening of. You went out to join her in her greenhouse, bringing her a cup of coffee. She doesn't drink it habitually, but if you make some she's usually happy enough to partake.
"Get your own matesprit, then you can move as fast as you want," you say. She threatens you with her watering can, you feign surrender and go back to the kitchen.
Dinner goes well. Loethe looks wonderful, her wiry hair let out of its usual bun. It's unorganized and frames her face and makes her look younger, a little less battle worn. As the night shades lighter, you walk downtown, jumping to talk over each other about being back on planet. What you're going to eat, how late you're going to sleep in, what you missed and what you didn't. She points out all the best shops, and then, more importantly, all the worst ones.
"I just don't understand cupcake stores," she says, gesturing jerkily to a shop across the street with a striped blue awning. "Cupcakes are the most boring desserts. It's like you want something sort of like cake, but can't bring yourself commit to just eating cake. It’s a dessert for the indecisive, and the weak-willed."
"How can you hate cupcakes?" you say. "It's exactly like cake! But smaller and more portable! You’re not settling when you eat a cupcake. Can you eat cake while walking down the street? How about while writing a letter? No, it's impossible, professionals have tried and failed. That's why they engineered the cupcake."
"Do you eat cupcakes while writing letters?" Loethe asks, her eyes crinkling easily with a smile. "I have never seen you write a letter or eat a cupcake."
"I do both, frequently. Often at the same time. The whole while thanking this great empire that I have the ability to move a pen around meaningfully with one hand, and stuff a miniature cake in my mouth with the other."
"I just can't believe you are a cupcake man," She says, sighing in good humor. "This is it, the deal-breaker. I knew there would be something wrong with you."
"Come on, I'm buying you a cupcake, immediately," you say. "I dare you to eat it and not enjoy yourself at all."
You buy her a cupcake, she eats it in two great bites while using her other hand to give you the finger. "There," you tell her, "Multitasking. Could you be flipping me off right now if you were eating regular cake? Science tells us, no."
She laughs, and slips her hand into yours. It's cool and calloused from the field. You walk perfectly in stride together, gaits matching up and arms swinging loosely together. The weak sun of your home planet has barely touched the horizon, and has only begun to wash away the deep indigo of the night sky. Is that it? Is your deal-breaker cupcakes? Loethe circles her thumb mindlessly on yours, and in the silence, you search corners for something wrong. You can't think of what you're missing. Loethe has only ever been easy for you.
"Hey," you say, and Loethe says,
"What's up, Sarge?"
"Come over and visit me sometime. I'm not in any big city, but there are some nice things to see. The gardens my moirail keeps are a fucking spectacle."
"I'd love to," she says, and it sounds genuine. You take a look at her face, she's definitely smiling.
"You can meet Kanaya," you say, watching for her face to drop. Her smile kind of wavers, and your heart stops, you’re pushing her too fast, but she just nods and says she's looking forward to it. You look back ahead of you. There, easy. You feel astoundingly not like shit. Maybe it's the effect of finally spending a couple days close contact with Kanaya, or maybe you’re capable of having a normal matespritship at long last.
---
You tell Feferi you’ve still got The Switch. She messages you back with eight ‘ha’s, (which you personally think is too many for the occasion), and reminds you that for her 7th wriggling day, you sent her an E-card and a promise to ‘PET AN ANIMAL, OR SOMETHING, IF YOU ASK NICELY’. You don’t remember that, but you probably didn’t even follow through—Feferi’s beasts were only good for being unnecessarily underfoot. Feferi doesn’t bring up the beautiful mandolin Eridan found for her, as a joint wriggling day and anniversary gift—he said five sweeps as a moirail was a milestone. You remember it, and you know Feferi remembers it too, because she spent the whole delighted sweep plucking away at the strings. But if there’s anyone who likes talking about Eridan less than you, it’s Feferi.
Instead, you spend twenty minutes idly reminiscing on old, unused plans you’d made together for social change. Good fuck, did you ever think revolution was going to be simpler when you were on Alternia. Feferi laughs again when you say so, because she always knew it was going to be a bitch. It just took you a little longer to cotton on. Nowhere in the chat log do you discuss Eridan’s old contributions, or lack thereof. He used to suggest a bloody coup, and Feferi used to roll her eyes and try to sit on top of him to subdue him. But neither of you bring it up.
---
"Oh, Equius stopped by," Kanaya says, as you scrub the stubborn polish off her claws with a cotton ball. She could do it herself, but you'd spent all yesterday hunched over your husktop, and you like to touch her hands. You like long fingers. Kanaya took you out to the back porch, under the white trellis, where you can see the orchard in the distance. The cool night air is nice on the back of your neck.
"Equius?" You ask. "What did he want?" You don't see Equius much at all, although you know Kanaya talks to him every so often. Nepeta and Equius are the only other trolls you grew up with who settled nearby you. It was Nepeta’s idea, she’s gone a lot and wanted Equius to know some trolls nearby. The planet she liked was nice enough and you and Kanaya didn’t mind.
Kanaya shrugs. "He wouldn't say," she said. "I mean, not that he's ever particularly straightforward to begin with. But he wanted you to go visit sometime."
"What, like, at his hive?" you say. "Is Nepeta there?" you add hopefully. Nepeta never tells you where she is, even when you’re home. You'd love to see her again, though, sometimes you sort of miss the rough way she handles you. Nothing like being casually tackled and slapped on the back so hard you choke.
"No, last I heard, she's somewhere on the heaths," Kanaya says. You grab for her other hand, and she twists it so you can reach her thumb.
"Huh," you say. "Well, do you want to go? I guess we should. We can drop by for like… is 15 minutes long enough? He's got to get lonely."
"I don't think he does, actually," Kanaya says, "I think he prefers to be alone. Maybe. But anyways, I'm not invited, it's just you."
"What?" You shake your head. You don’t really ‘hang out’, with Equius. Much in the same way you don’t hang out with, say, rocks. “Are you sure?"
"He was uncharacteristically specific on that point. A little disheartening, to be honest."
"Oh please," you say. "You talk with him sometimes, don't you? He likes you fine." You bring Kanaya's hand up to kiss her knuckles. "But if you want to talk about it…"
"No, sorry," Kanaya says. "I know he doesn't mean anything like that by it. But, you know, I just thought—"
"You thought what?"
"Nepeta's been gone a long time, and I just thought it seemed a little out of place that he'd only want to see you, is all. And not tell me why. I mean, I know—"
"Kanaya Maryam," you say, putting down the now soiled cotton ball. "The dearest, whitest lily of my shitty pulsating blood biscuit, if there is one troll in this wasted empire who is not pale for me, it's Equius. I think he'd rather discuss his feelings with a mop."
Kanaya rolls her eyes and hands you a new cotton ball. "I know," she says, "I know. And I know you wouldn't."
"That's my girl," you say, and you get to work on the last of the paint.
---
Kanaya has to remind you, but eventually you shoot Equius a text and head over. You wouldn’t bother texting for anyone else, but Equius is always significantly less pleasant if you surprise him. He tends to keep to himself. He and Nepeta live even farther from civilization than you and Kanaya do, in a one-story hive that stretches out forever. And it is chock full of antlers and skins and weird hunting trophies, and like, jars full of eyes. There’s a billiards room, which is so stupid, you know for a fact that Nepeta never plays hit-some-little-spheres-with-a-long-stick-strategically. She just keeps a bunch of cool rocks and shit that she’s found in there with the game table. There’s one shaped sort of like a bulge. Their hive is very overwhelmingly Nepeta, despite the fact that she only spends a handful of perigees a sweep home.
There may be a basement too, actually, but you don't have proof of that. You guess it's mostly that you think of basements as Equius' natural habitat.
You wonder idly as you knock on the grand wooden door if Equius is going to murder you. Or maybe you just left something here? He opens the door and looms over you, uncharacteristically large for a red blood, or a crazy blood, or whatever he is. Maybe he's big because of he’s full of cherry kool-aid? Why are all your friends so big. You need to find a way to hang out with Feferi again, she was about your height, it was incredible.
He's sweating, but there's nothing so out of place about that. "Hey, Equius," you say, and he nods.
"Vantas." He gestures a welcome inside, so you step past him into the hall, and make your ritual eye contact with the wolf's head hanging across from you. Nepeta is so weird.
"So," you say. "What's up?" Equius looks around uncomfortably. "Uh," you say, "Should I be worried?"
"I think you'd better just come and see," Equius says. "I don't think there's any way to preface this appropriately."
Well, you're not dead, although nor are you in repossession of a long forgotten paperback. You follow Equius across a couple cholerbearskin rugs, down the long hall, and into the den.
And there, awkwardly sunken into a furry beanbag chair, is unmistakably Eridan Ampora. He's a little taller than you remember, his shoulders a little broader, his hair dyed a little less yellow and his face a little notched, but you would recognize him if he'd gone under a train. You stop in the doorway, and Equius falls back behind you. Eridan is clearly uncomfortable, his eyes darting around like he doesn't know where to look. They meet yours eventually, and you stare him down like the threshecutioner privates when they step too far out of line. He clears his throat. "Uh, hi," he says.
"Equius," you say, and Equius shuffles back into view. "Can you get me something to drink."
"Do you want—"
"Alcohol," you say. "I want alcohol. In case you need reminding, Nepeta keeps some in her study desk. Get that if there's nothing else."
You hear Equius clod off towards the kitchen, and you lower yourself onto a leather couch. Eridan Ampora, sitting on Nepeta's beanbag. And you thought you’d seen it all. He’s nervous, and the air is full of uncomfortably familiar psiionic static, making the few hairs on your arms stand to attention. He's running his long fingers over themselves, another old nervous habit, and he looks like he might have a heart attack. That strikes you as sort of funny, but you don't feel like laughing. He's only got one ring on. Just a smooth brass band.
"Kar," he says, trying again. Nobody calls you that, nobody else was stupid enough to think that was a good nickname for you. "How… uh… so, how are you?"
You consider just not answering him. What if you got up and left? Do you really need to know Eridan is here? Would he bother contacting you again? Equius would understand. "Alive," you say. Eridan kind of gulps. "So are you, apparently," you add.
You're glad your voice is level. You’re starting to feel sort of unreal. It is a possibility you’re dreaming, it wouldn’t be the first time.
"Yeah," he says, "I'm… yeah." He's avoiding your eyes again now. You consider asking him where he's been, but you don't want to throw him any bones, or look at all like you care. "You look good," he says finally. "You grew up a little."
"You should see Kanaya," you say. "She's a skyscraper."
Eridan pales a little, and says, "God no. I mean, just, uh… actually, would you mind not tellin' anyone?"
"Not telling anyone what?" You say. Equius comes back in and hands you a tumbler with something and ice. You start on that immediately.
"That I'm here, I guess, It's just—"
"What, are you on the run from the law?"
"No! No, thank you, I'm not wanted or anythin', fuckin' hell. I just mean… come on, Kar, I just mean I don't want to see everyone. I'm not a huge fan a stitches, or bein' dead, for that matter."
You take a minute to finish your drink, and consider asking Equius for the bottle. But maybe now is not that time. "I'm going to tell Kanaya," you say, when you’re done. "Equius could have told you that. Did you?" You ask, turning to him.
"I did warn him," Equius says.
"There you go," you say, and Eridan sort of grimaces.
"It was worth a shot."
"It wasn't, really," you say.
"Oh," he says. There's another silence, for which you are unapologetic. You don’t feel in the least like you owe him small talk. He gives it one more try, he begins with "I heard you were in the thresh corps," and you interrupt him.
"Why are you here, Eridan?" He gives you this sort of caught-in-the-headlights look, which makes you wonder if maybe he is wanted, and he's just not coming clean. You don’t think you’d be surprised. "I mean, why now? Why, pray tell, did I leave the warm embrace of the yeti I call a moirail and drive out to fuckall nowhere, and sit down here, and come face to face with you, on this particularly exquisite dim season's evening?"
Eridan works his fingers over his ring and says, "Okay, yeah." And then, "well. I know it's been a while, I was just thinkin', you know, better late then never, right? An', uh, an’ I found Eq, I mean, he said he knew what you were doin', an' I just wanted to… say hi? I mean, say I'm sorry, really. Because I am. Sorry, I mean. So… uh, sorry."
Oh.
"Right," you say, setting down your drink. "Great. Glad we got that out of the way. Wonderful. Equius, looks like everything's in order here, and I've got a beautiful woman at home who is probably googling ways to genetically engineer a white snapper pea. Chances are she'll want someone to help her spit in the face of science." You get up, and Eridan stumbles his way out of the beanbag as well.
"Kar, wait, Kar," he says. You ignore him and give Equius a pat on his warm, sticky shoulder.
"Good to see you. Thanks for this," you tell him, and you keep on down the hallway. You can hear Eridan coming after you, and fuck your very soul, his legs are longer than yours.
"Kar, hold on, hear me out," he says. You take the bait and turn at the front door.
"I did, and you apologized," you say. "We came full circle. You fucked up, now you're sorry. There we go, closure. So I'm going home now, since we're done with that."
"Kar, I'm not stupid, you're not even trying to pretend here," Eridan says. You give him the best 'fuck you' your eyes can relay. "Fuckin' hell," he says. "You haven't changed at all."
"Neither have you," you say stiffly. He sags his shoulders.
"Come on. Come on, Kar, please, that's what I'm tellin' you. I did some soul searchin' an' all that an' I know what I did was fuckin' horrible. I really actually know it, I'm not pretend knowin'-it or something. Please come on, come back an' sit down, I mean, please just give me a chance. Please."
He reaches for your shoulder, so you back up. "It's really about time I got home," you say. He gives you a horrible hopeless look that stinks of the faces he used to pull, back on Alternia. It's not justified but it's completely honest, and it's frustrating to the moon and back. The familiarity is violently unwelcome.
"Okay," he says. "Kar, I'll be here a little longer. Equius is puttin' me up. Just… I won't bug you anymore or nothin’, but come around again. If you ever feel like it. I'll be here."
"Yeah," you say. "Okay, then." You give him one last look over, memorize his face, and leave.
---
You used to be so sure things would be different, better, as soon as you were off of Alternia. That’s where you were going to make all the changes. Alternia was a free-for-all, if you didn’t have what it took you were as good as dead, and nobody gave a fuck. You deserved it. You had hated it, what was the point? Oh, yes, everyone, let’s just kill each other all the time, you don’t even need a reason. Are you bored? Kill a guy! It was a shitty existence, stupid and unfair for everyone except bluebloods and seadwellers. You wrote the salted heiress so many letters about reform you were practically pen-pals, although you know Vriska only opened them when she needed a good laugh. Fuck her for that. It was you and Feferi against the world, sometimes.
Feferi was the one who convinced Vriska to let everyone help her train for ascension. Feferi suggested Vriska attack the Empress first, before the Empress could surprise-murder her. Because as soon as she was off planet, Vriska wouldn’t have the protection of Gl'bgolyb, and she would be fair game for an Empress who didn’t fancy her rule being challenged. You ended up spending a lot of time with Vriska before ascension, and with Feferi, and with a couple other friends of yours, strategizing wildly and sparring against Vriska. Eridan stayed at home, because he didn’t care. But it brought Vriska closer to you, and to all of your friends. You were on actual terms with the Heiress. Yes, things were going to change. As soon as you were off planet, you’d have Vriska in charge, and she may have been a horrifying eel of a sea witch, but at least you knew her.
Eridan had shown up on the beach, a week before ascension. You’d been there, under a high pink moon, watching Kanaya swing her chainsaws as Vriska shot dice to block. And Eridan just ran out on the sand, looking silly and out of place in his laundry-day jeans, and before you could so much as wave to him, he pitched a bomb into Vriska’s side. A tiny little avocado-shaped blob, it didn’t look like much. It shouldn’t have even hit her, with the luck she was running that far into scrimmage, but the flash explosion begged to differ. Equius later confirmed it was off a special project blueprint he had designed with Eridan, for fun, a sweep or more beforehand. It was never meant to be built at all. But it was an explosive calibrated precisely to counter Vriska’s unnatural luck, and turn it against her. Like some horrible specialized kryptonite.
Vriska would have died if Feferi weren’t on top of her game that evening. She hauled ass to knock Vriska off target, and her own luck was average enough that the blast did minimal damage. She was a little worse for wear, but Vriska was a mess. It was hours before anyone was sure she’d make it. Out a leg, most of an arm and a fair amount of gill, there was no way she’d be able to do jack shit to any Empress. She was a shrieking, spitting, smeared pink shape on the sand.
You can’t remember ever having been as angry.
You hadn’t been kind, when you got your hands on Eridan. That had been your shot. Yours and Feferi’s, and Alternia’s. To this day, you don’t know how Eridan managed to misunderstand that.
By now, your plans have been adjusted. Vriska is, to the Empire, officially dead. You know she’s in hiding. Feferi’s there too, keeping her company, and helping her maintain peak physical form. Someday the time will be perfect, and Vriska can take her rightful place as Empress. It’ll just take a little longer.
You couldn't say now exactly how you'd felt back then. But you remember thinking that that was it. The most unhappy a person could be, you'd reached that point. You were wrong, of course, there's no end to mortal suffering, but to date you have never been rational about a broken heart. Sweeps later, you don't care that your plans were foiled when you were on planet. But despite your best efforts, on the odd off day, you still give a fair amount of fucks that your one, your serendipitous morning star, the god damn flaming red stardust flush of your life fucked you over like that.
Fucked you over and then left you.
---
Kanaya's not in when you get home. That's ok, you kind of want to just watch some movies. You spend the rest of the night on the couch in your room, running through some of your favorite old films and some new ones you've been meaning to get to. You send a couple texts back and forth with Loethe, she wants to go to the movies tomorrow. That’ll be fun. You close the text client when you see Feferi is online. Kanaya pokes her head in when she gets back to ask what Equius had wanted. You end up saying you'll tell her later, because you're right in the middle of this movie. She goes off somewhere in the hive, and in a while you hear the sewing machine running. You turn in early, without bothering to say good morning. The sopor slime is cool and welcoming and you duck your head under immediately, rubbing it through your hair to get it to sink into your temples, and you shut out the world.
You wake up very early the next evening, the sky still pink and the horizon orange. The sun on this planet isn't as destructive as the one on Alternia, so at this level it's even pleasant to take coffee on the front porch. You step out barefoot, sit on the plaster steps, and look out at the plains. There’s a small town in the distance. The cool air dries your hair, still wet from ablutions, and the natural light makes the landscape seem alien. The colors seem more vibrant. It's strange. It makes you feel different, like the whole world decided to change when you weren't looking.
That was very rude of it, you think. Maybe you were happy the way you were.
And all of a sudden, like the Empress herself came up and threw you into a wall for a laugh, you are so angry at Eridan Ampora. You cannot believe him, how much you fucking pined, like an ass, and years later he waltzes over to Equius' house like he owns it. 'Oh, yeah,' he thinks, 'here's an idea, let's go say hi to Karkat! Haven't seen HIM for a while!' You let your mug slip from your fingers and storm inside, grab Kanaya's scuttlebug keys, and slam the door as you leave again. Your bare foot lands in spilled coffee and you let it come off on the pavement as you march. You have business with a certain shitty snow-cone machine battery.
You drive fast down the open road. In no time you are pounding on Equius' door, demanding audience, and Equius answers. He looks dressed and awake and very surprised to see you, and frankly very nervous at your appearance. "Where's Eridan," you ask him, and he wordlessly turns to lead you further into the house. Eridan appears around a corner, sliding still-wet sopor off his cheeks, saying,
"Eq? This is an ungodly fuckin' hour for this amount of noise." And before he can do much more than widen his eyes at your approach, your fist collides soundly with his jaw, and he stumbles back into the doorframe.
"Kar!" He yelps, as he brings his arms up. "Karkat, ow, god, stop!" You feel the spark and tug of his psiionics around your arms and you shriek.
"Don't you dare," you shout, with some panic, scrabbling at his arms to stop him. "Don't, put them the fuck away, don't you throw me off!" The teal sparks simmer down, and Eridan is the stupidest person you know, because you get him in the stomach. He doubles over and groans. "Fuck you, Eridan Ampora,” you roar, “fuck you, fucking, fuck, just fuck you, fuck you." You can't think of anything else, anything better, all that seems to fit is 'fuck', and you can't seem to say it enough to emphasize how much you really mean 'fuck'.
"Karkat," Equius says, from behind you, "are you… uh… quite alright?"
"Does it look like I'm alright?" you bellow. Eridan ducks away from your next fist.
"I am going to call Kanaya," Equius says, and he leaves. You don't care. Kanaya won't get here before you can really make this fucker sorry. Sorry, he says, like two fucking syllables can make up for every night you spent wondering where he was now, how he could have rationalized fucking you over like that, why he left you, if he didn’t love you, if you could have worked it out. Like he can make up for every time you wished a new matesprit kissed like he did, every time you got kanaya's nice white jackets stained with your shitty olive tears trying to rework your pathetic roadblocked emotions.
"How could you," you're screaming, and he's grabbing at your arms manually now, trying to stop them.
"Kar, Karkat, oh my god," he says. His psiionics finally start up again and you roar, but he ignores you and tucks your arms down, pinning them to your sides, and slides himself onto the floor, bending your knees to put you next to him. You tense against the fizzing in your limbs, but you’re trapped.
"Fuck you," you spit again, choking a little, and he gathers his arms around his knees.
"Yeah," he says, and he looks horrible, his hair is undone and falling into his face, and he's got a split lip. You look with fierce pride on the trickle of thick gold slipping from it. "Yeah, fuck me. God, I know. Kar. I'm really… just… I know. Just don't cry. Please."
The sparks on your arms simmer back down again as you put your hand up to your face, and oh fuck, oh no, fuck, god, he's right. You swear angrily and wipe the offending tears away. They are not welcome here. Eridan wipes his own face, smearing the blood on his chin and gingerly prodding his jaw. "You pack a better punch than you used to," he says, cautiously.
"Your psiionics are still literally the worst," you tell him, fangs bared, keeping any shake that might want to creep into your voice tucked tightly in your mind, where it belongs. “They’re cheap and horrible.”
"Handy, though," he says. "I'm alive.
"You piece of shit," you say. He just looks at you. "Come on, asshole, if I'd have killed you, you'd just be… dead." you gesture shortly at him. "And then what would I have? A horrible corpse with evening breath."
"Oh, I didn't know you felt that way," Eridan says, "I'll brush my fangs, and then after that you can kill me."
"So considerate," you say gruffly, leaning back slowly against the wall. Eridan doesn't say anything else. He pushes his hair from his face and absently begins to groom dried sopor flakes out of it. The two of you sit in silence, Eridan stiffly brushing himself off, you willing yourself not to cry again. You cry too easily. It's times like this you wish that weren't the case. You keep waiting to grow out of it, but the world keeps disappointing you. It's a long time before Eridan says,
"So are you… are you good?"
"What?" you say, pulling yourself out of your thoughts.
"Are you gonna jump me again?" He says. "Because I'd like some warning this time."
"Talking is doing you no favors," you say. But he takes that as a yes anyways.
"I’m glad you came," Eridan says, and you squint at him.
"I've never had anyone glad for a split lip before," you say.
"Well I thought you weren't coming back at all," Eridan says. "I didn't think I'd see any of you again, your fist was maybe not my first choice, but better than nothing."
You don't know what to say to that, so you run your hand through your hair and stay quiet.
"I've just wanted to see you again, is all," he says, and you look down at the floor and close your eyes and try to breathe. You are not going to start crying. No crying.
Footsteps somewhere in the hive interrupt your concentration, and you hear Kanaya's voice asking for you. God, you want Kanaya so bad, it's horribly relieving to hear. You put your face in your hand so that it looks like you are supporting your head to disguise the way your face is screwing up. You don't look up for Kanaya as her footsteps come into the hallway, but you jump to your feet when you hear her snarl. Shit, you forgot she didn't know about Eridan. She's got every hackle on her raised, and you charge headlong into her stomach. She picks you up, her claws digging into your sides. You clamp your own hands firmly on her neck. "Let's go into the other room," you say into her ear, as quiet as you can. It's not particularly even, but you squeeze your palms to her pulse and she listens to you.
"You should have come to me," she whispers, once Eridan and Equius are out of sight. Tension is in every syllable. You smooth her skin with your fingers, firm and soft, and begin to let your breath shake. She's wearing a T-shirt, she must have been moving too fast to get dressed.
"I know," you say, in between quiet heaves, "Sshhh, Kanaya, Shh, I was stupid. I should have told you." All her muscles are bunched, and you press your palms into them, trying to convince them to relax. Both of you need to calm down pronto, this is embarrassing as fuck.
You do pretty well. You pull all the tricks you've got to stabilize each other fast. You've been together a long time, and spent a lot of five-minute intervals in the washrooms of very crowded, very public events with Kanaya, and you flatter yourself that you've mastered quick damage control. You exit what looks like it was a trophy room looking like nothing ever happened, and feeling considerably better, to find Eridan and Equius sitting uncomfortably in the kitchen. Eridan's got a cup of coffee and is looking guiltily at you and is clearly scared stiff of Kanaya. You don't blame him, he hasn't seen her since she was about a foot shorter and she had come in angry. That almost makes you want to laugh. "Equius," you say, "do you mind if I have a cup of coffee?"
Equius relaxes visibly now that everything has proven itself to be normal, and nobody is punching anybody else, or being intimately pale anywhere. You feel sort of bad that he got caught in the middle of this. He probably just wanted a nice quiet evening. "Help yourself," he rumbles, and you do. You take your favorite of Nepeta's mugs, fill it half with cream and sugar, and poor coffee into the remaining space. Kanaya looks at you pointedly, so you go back to her side and she asks quietly,
"Are you going to stay?"
"Yeah, for a bit," you reply. She gives you that look, where she doesn't quite like your decision, but you shake your head. You're fine. "We can hang out later," you say.
"Alright," she says. "I need to get a plan draft finished tonight, so I'm going back home. No more alarming phone calls, please."
"None," you promise. "Are you going to take the scuttlebug?" And on thinking a moment, you add, "How did you get here?"
"I've got a bug on rental," She says. "It's for however long you're here. I figured you'd use mine all the time and I have places to go, people to see." Oops, you didn't think of that. Leave it to Kanaya, your stunning pearl.
She leaves without any more fuss. Truly, she is your hero. You sit down at the table with Eridan and Equius. "Evening, Equius," you say, savoring the irony in the late sentiment. "Eridan."
"How do you live with her?" Eridan says, "I thought she was going to finish me off!"
"You can bet she would have," you say. "She's like a hurricane wrapped into some skin and fancy leather, it's incredible." You shake your head fondly. She is a master, you feel like you could handle anything right now, which is a great relief.
"Does she still dress up?" He says.
"Worse than before. Her collars just got higher, and her skirts got bigger." You consider laughing. You can't decide if you want to try to continue being angry. Yeah, Eridan's a turd, but it's hard to care when Kanaya drops everything to come pap you into submission. "I don't know what to do with her sometimes."
"Mm," Eridan shivers and nods, and busies himself with his coffee. He hasn't changed out of the t-shirt you think he slept in, judging by the sopor residue. Looks like he mopped up his face a little. His hair is still hanging in his face, though. You notice his hands again.
"Just one ring?" you say. "What happened to being goldfinger?"
"I joined the thresh corps," he says. "I'm not supposed to wear rings at all, they catch on shit or are distracting or too beautiful or something. Dyein’ my hair’s no good either, although I don’t have to dye the achroma strip black or anythin’. But I bet you already know the policies, Sarge." He wiggles his eyebrows at you, you think they've gotten thicker.
"You enlisted?" You say. It's not strange you hadn't heard of him, the threshecutioner ranks are huge. Mammoth numbers. But all the same, he was right under your nose.
"Yeah!" He says. "I didn't know you had, when I did. Pretty dumb, huh."
"Did Equius tell you I joined? Hold up, how long have you been in contact with Equius?" You say. You turn toward Equius. "Does Nepeta know? Have you just… not been telling me? Has Nepeta not been telling me?"
"I did not know Eridan was so much as alive until a week ago," Equius clarifies. "I have not told Nepeta. I believe it would incense her unnecessarily."
"It incensed Equius a fair amount too, God," Eridan says, "am I safe from none a you? I should have found Tav, maybe he would have just fallen over and cried or something. That's…. that's more or less the kind of thing Tav does, right?"
"Approximately," Equius says. It takes Eridan snickering for you to realize Equius was joking. Huh.
"Nah, I only started looking for Eq a month or so ago," Eridan says. "I thought he'd be least likely to hate the sight of me. He got pretty mad, though, I'm not sure I'm in the clear yet." You look to Equius, who shrugs.
"I was not that mad," he says. "Eridan is exaggerating. However, he will be on his own when Nepeta finds him." You laugh at that, because there's no way you'd want to be on the receiving end of Nepeta's anger. You don't know how Terezi deals with it regularly. Then again, she's made of like, steel and cackling fire. Horrifying. Eridan is looking at you kind of strangely, so you turn your mouth back down.
"So that's it, then?" You say. "This whole time, you were a threshecutioner, just dicking around in the military. That’s the big reveal."
"Come on, that's what you were doing," Eridan says. "But no, I only joined… what… less than a sweep ago, anyways. Before that, I was living on Weilkschidt," he says.
"Gesundheit," Equius says, and you're glad he does because you've never heard of it either. And that's saying something, you've been to a good handful of planets, and you went through many of them meticulously back when you were looking to hide Vriska somewhere.
"It's a planet, mostly marshes," he says. "Not a lot of trolls, actually. Mostly Weils. They're these short little aliens. Actually, there aren’t even a whole lot a them. It’s quiet, too. I mean, not too many ghosts, cause there just aren’t that many people to die. I think we conquered it 20 sweeps back or somethin', but nobody bothered with it."
"That's somehow worse than you being in the military the whole time." You say, and Eridan shrugs. "So the great reason you disappeared entirely is that you just had to live on a swamp? That's it?"
"Well no, I left 'cause a, uh, what happened. You know." He moves his shoulders uncomfortably. They really are significantly bigger than they had been on Alternia. It's not a bad change. "Weilkschidt was for… okay, well, now that I'm sayin' it out loud it sounds kinda stupid, but it was for soul searching. You know, sittin' under waterfalls an' meditatin'. Learnin' about the world an’ myself an’ shit."
"Soul searching?" you say, and you hope it's as dry and criticizing as you are aiming for. You can't imagine what Eridan thought he was going to learn, but if you and Feferi never got through to him, you don't know what letting him meditate under a swamp waterfall would do. "What, did the dead weils teach you the meaning of life?”
“I told you, I didn’t live around any dead weils,” Eridan says. “I didn’t live around any live ones, either.”
“If you were a pirate,” you say, “you can just tell us."
"If you are a pirate, please don't tell us," Equius says, "I would owe Nepeta a significant amount of money."
Eridan looks at him in surprise. "You bet on me? What did you think I was doing?"
Equius clears his throat uncomfortably and says, "Dead."
"Oh," Eridan says. "Huh." Equius shrugs. "Yeah, ok."
"I was quite surprised to find you on my doorstep," Equius explains.
"Well, I didn't die. Or pirate anythin', fuckin' hell, I'm lookin' back, I should a made some gutsier choices. I could be here tellin' you about livin' with a murder circus."
"But instead, you meditated under waterfalls," you say.
"Well, no. I mean…" Eridan trails off and stirs what's left of his coffee. But before either of you can say anything, he starts again. "I thought it’d be dramatic, or romantic or somethin’. You know, livin' all alone, driven to solitude by my friends, doin' the noble thing an' lookin' inside myself to show you all how fuckin' pious an' thoughtful I could be. The soul searchin’ wasn't that sincere when I left, I guess. I was, hah, behavin' sorta like an ass." He laughs nervously. "I spent a while thinkin' I was repentin' for… you know. I picked the stupidest, farthest away, most uninhabited piece of shit planet there was, an' I set up camp away from the Weils. I meant to live there forever, an' be a hermit, that was the plan. I don't know what I thought would happen, really. What happened was that I was just alone a lot."
"You could have called," Equius says.
Eridan looks at him for a second, and says, "Nah, I couldn't a done, not really. Besides, I got used to it, sorta. I mean, it still sucked, and I was poor as fuck all, you shoulda seen my shitty house. But I did a lot a readin', an’ some writin' an’ I got pretty solid at whittlin' and shit. I'm pretty crafty now," he says, and he wiggles his fingers like it'll make a point.
"And then you got sick of that and joined the army," you say. "An inspiring story."
"It is, Kar, shut up, I'm still tellin' it. I just spent so much fuckin’ time alone, is the point I am getting at. I mean, I wasn't gonna troll any of you guys and I don't really know anyone else. An’ as it turns out, bein’ alone for superficial reasons doesn’t work because there’s no one to recognize the reasons, you know? So I ended up just thinking a lot about how much it sucked that I didn't have you around. I mean, any a you." He's looking at you, though, sort of pleadingly, but also very seriously. It’s sort of irritating, so you snort.
“You kick a beehive, you get stung,” you say.
"I know!” Eridan says, earnestly. “Because, listen, Kar, I ended up gettin’ it. Why I was alone in the first place, really, though. It took me a while, I mean, I was bein’ thickheaded as they come, but I get that I should a…” Eridan gestures sort of generally. “Listened? Trusted you an' Fef, maybe. You guys weren’t ever anythin’ but important an', no, listen, Kar, let me say this. I should a thought a what it might mean to you, an' all that stuff. I do know I'm not always right, even if I never act that way, but I guess I forgot that an' fucked it up, so bad."
Jesus. He sounds so serious. You sort of want to laugh about his life changing self imposed time out, but mostly it’s just incredible that he apparently needed one to realize what a colossal asscramp he was. "You did fuck up," you agree with him. He keeps his attention on you. Is he waiting for you to forgive him? "So where do the thresh corps come in?" You ask, instead.
"I just figured sittin' on Weilkschidt wasn't helpin' anythin'. I mean, after I really came to terms with the whole thing, it seemed more an' more stupid that I just stuck myself out in a marsh. I mean, my hive wasn't literally in a marsh, but the whole planet's a marsh, if you can get that. Turns out I think I just ran away to feel sorry for myself. I thought I'd be a threshecutioner cause they put you up durin' trainin', an' cause it'd be a little less lonely. Let me tell you, I was fuckin’ ready for some company. I didn't leave Weilkschidt plannin' on findin' Eq, though or you, or anyone. I was still gonna keep a distance. But, later, I just…" Eridan trails off.
"It's understandable," Equius says, and Eridan flashes him a grateful grin.
You don't really know what to make of any of that. You spent so long wondering what had happened to him, why he had vanished, that what he's telling you seems… kind of underwhelming. He sounds genuine, though. You think you believe him, despite your better judgment. Also despite said judgment, sitting at the table with him is comfortable. Having him in front of you brings back all the time you spent with him on Alternia, long movie nights and late evenings spent criticizing online magazine articles. This uncalled for nostalgia produces frustrating feeling of seeing exactly what you want placed right in front of you while you can't be quite sure you have it.
"Uh, Kar, I've got a new trollian handle, if you want it," Eridan says. “I mean, if you still use it?”
“Mine hasn’t changed,” you tell him. He gives you such a pleased look that you want to change it just to spite him. But you’re already sitting here having coffee with him. “You can find me yourself.”
“Cool,” Eridan says, and he brushes his fingers back through his hair, pulling his bangs back away from his face. He looks so much like he used to. You can’t pin down where the change in his face is. He just looks… older? Maybe his jaw looks a little more solid. He’s definitely got some muscle definition that wasn’t there on Alternia. Well, thresh training will do that to you. There’s a thin pale scar on his jaw.
You gesture towards your own jaw, and ask, “Did they give you a sickle a little too soon?” Eridan looks at you blankly a moment before he realizes what you mean, and then he looks bashful.
“Well, no, not as such,” he says, “I just wasn’t always so good at whittlin’ as I am now.” You’re struck with the image of Eridan struggling to put precision into a blade with his psiionics, and you laugh. You bet he threw a tantrum, even without an audience. Equius rumbles alongside you, which makes you want to laugh a little harder.
“It ain’t as funny as all that,” Eridan says, but he sounds happy. You just shake your head.
“It is,” you wheeze. “You’re so stupid.”
“Maybe so,” Eridan says, “but at least I got this dashin’ scar. What do you think, Kar, is it rugged enough for you?” He models his jaw for you, and he exaggerates it for a joke, but you know he’s serious about loving it. It’s ridiculous. You had begun to think maybe you’d imagined how absurd Eridan was, but apparently you shouldn’t have.
You stay and prod him for details for a while, as the night gets darker. Eventually Equius leaves the table, mumbling about unspecified work he needs to get done. You’re pretty sure he’s going to go sit alone in a basement. You ask Eridan if there’s a basement, he says he doesn’t know. You’ll ask Nepeta. Maybe if you roleplay the question, she’ll answer her fucking trollian messages for once.
“By the way,” Eridan says. “What did you think I was doing? Did you ever, uh, think about me? I mean, if I was a pirate. Or anythin’.”
“I didn’t think you’d make it as a pirate,” you say. You pause for a minute, and add, “There were times I thought you’d been taken for helmsman duty.”
Eridan makes a face. “Fuck no,” he says. “Urgh, can you imagine? All wired in and disgusting. I get the whole glory for the empire thing, but you’re basically just a fancy motor after all that, aren’t you?”
“Well, I didn’t think you’d have gone willingly, I have met you.”
“Oh. Well, yeah, no, nobody came to force me into a spaceship gut. I don’t think the empire even noticed I was gone.” Eridan shrugs, and you can’t tell if he’s disappointed the empire didn’t try to force him into electric bondage. On Alternia, you used to be worried he’d do something stupid and end up as a powerhouse. You used to be worried about that because, as romcoms have taught you, it’s hard to date a helmsman. That’s not particularly an issue anymore, but it rubs you the wrong way all the same.
“Sollux got me the helmsman records,” you admit. “I used to check them. To see if your name was anywhere.”
Eridan perks up visibly. “You did?” He asks. God, he looks like you just handed him troll Disneyland. Living in a swamp didn’t make him any less dramatic.
You check the time, and the evening is gone, you’re well into the night. “Oh,” you say, “I have to go.” The movie Loethe wanted to see starts in a couple hours. You’d almost forgotten. For a moment, you feel guilty, and you can’t quite figure out for what. Eridan doesn’t get to mean anything to you, it doesn’t matter how stupid you were for him on Alternia. Your life hasn’t changed just because he stuck his big nose back into it. The thought settles you a little, but you clarify anyways, “I’m meeting my matesprit in town tonight.”
“Oh,” Eridan says, his eyebrows jumping a little. “Oh, um, a’course, sure.” and you hate yourself for watching his face so closely. But you kind of want to know what he thinks of that. It’s been too long to expect any jealousy, and you don’t want it anyways, not really. Nothing will change. But you watch his mouth press thin anyways. “Go ahead, then,” he says, “I won’t keep you.”
You say your goodbyes, dump the last half-inch of cold coffee into the sink and leave.
Kanaya accosts you when you get home. She appears in the doorway of her study as you close the front door, and crosses her arms at you.
“So,” she says.
“So,” you agree. You take a step into the house and Kanaya raises her eyebrows
“Do you want to wash your feet?” she asks you, and you roll your eyes.
“I am absolutely sure the floor can handle my dirty feet right now,” you say, and then immediately change your position. “Actually, no, I am going to wash them, I’m supposed to meet Loethe in an hour and a half.”
Kanaya frowns. “You can’t reschedule?”
“Nah,” you say, heading down the hall, “I can make it, I can wash fast. Besides, it’s not like she hasn’t seen me in worse condition.”
Kanaya follows you into the bathroom. “That’s not what I meant,” she says. “I think we need to talk.”
You start running water into the ablution trap, and roll up the bottoms of your pants. “I know I said we would, but can you wait until later? Tomorrow, or something?”
“Can you?” Kanaya asks. “At least, I don’t know if you should spend the day in the city.”
“Are you going to cock block me?” You ask, and Kanaya gives you a look. “Ok, yeah, I know, but I think you are overestimating how much this is eating at me.” You step carefully into the trap. The water’s too hot, but now your feet are sort of muddy and there’s no backing out. You switch the water to cold and stand gingerly near the faucet. “I mean, it’s something to talk about, it’s pretty shitty of him to just show up, but the evening was fine.”
“I don’t know, this evening looked to me like you were crying on Equius’s floor,” Kanaya says.
“Yes, ok, admittedly that did happen,” you say. “And let’s never tell anyone that it did. But on the plus side, I didn’t attack him for the rest of the evening. It was actually… just pretty normal.”
“Normal how?”
“It was like… I don’t know, like he never left, sort of.” Kanaya doesn’t look happy with your answer, but you don’t have time to argue the fine points. The city is a commute, and you need to get out the door again. “It was good,” you say. “I’ll tell you where he’s been tomorrow. He was not kidnapped by aliens, by the way, nor was he a pirate.”
“Shit,” Kanaya says, “then I owe Equius money.”
“Kanaya, he’d be the worst pirate in the history of piracy,” you remind her.
“I don’t know,” she says, “He can get pretty gutsy, and he hasn’t got the best moral code. Plus, he just likes having things so much.”
“He’d get taken advantage of. Immediately. By everyone,” you say. “He’s too gullible. Equius made a safe bet, because if he’d have become a pirate, he’d have been killed.”
“It was supposed to be a safe bet for everyone,” Kanaya reminds you, leaning against the wall. “Eridan wasn’t supposed to show up and confirm his activities either way.”
You finish shuffling the grime off of your feet, or as much as you’re going to bother with, pull the plug on the trap, and step out to find a towel. “Yeah.”
“Yesterday you didn’t think you’d ever see him again,” Kanaya prompts you again. She’s going to keep trying to get you to stay.
“Kanaya, I was moving on, and I’m still moving on. And moving on includes going out to the movies with my incredibly sexy matesprit, and touching the butt of said matesprit at my leisure.”
Kanaya blocks your way out of the bathroom. “Karkat, you are still working on it. A week ago you told me you were still working on it, those were the literal words you used. That means you’re not over it, and don’t you see how Eridan coming back is going to fuck that up?”
“No,” you say firmly. “Eridan does not get to have a hold over me. He does not get to be a problem. He gave that up when he left. It doesn’t matter that he’s back. It’s too late! Kanaya, it is too late, and I am going to be fine!”
Kanaya lets you worm your way out the door to the side of her. “You can’t force yourself to be fine,” she says, “you don’t work like that. You try and then you end up crying on Equius’ floor, and it’s embarrassing for everyone.”
“Not this time,” you call back to her, without stopping to properly finish the conversation. “I have a handle on this. Not even the great and terrible empress herself, armed with a jewel-encrusted crowbar, could get me to relinquish my handle on this situation. My handle is simply too fucking good!” You finish up the sentence from a room over, and Kanaya doesn’t come after you, you so you count that as a win. You fix your hair a little, gather your things and get out the door again before she can decide she wants to physically restrain you. Your priority tonight is having a wonderful, quiet night with Loethe, and that’s what you intend to do.