Chapter Text
It is simple.
It starts small.
It's a silly what if.
Merlin does not poison Morgana. He tells her about what Morgause did to link her to the sleeping spell and how it is putting everyone in the knights of Medhir's way at risk. Not just Uther. He tells her what needs to happen if they want Camelot to survive.
And Morgana chooses to take the poison.
*
It is still a long year for the both of them.
*
Morgana is on fire. She had feared the pyre, feared the flames licking her body, burning her skin and boiling her blood. Turning her organs into ashes.
It is not the pyre that takes her but a poison she swallowed herself.
It does not feel like a victory. Not during the rare times she is conscious, not when she wakes up and sees her sister at her bedside, not when she recovers. Because somehow Uther won. She has magic and she burned for it. All the while, Uther lives and walks his precious castle and continues to burn people.
She loathes him.
She is still afraid of him but less so. If burning alive taught her something it's that Uther's hatred can never defeat her.
She thinks of Merlin sometimes. Not of Arthur that must be worried and whose head Uther is filling with lies. Not of sweet Gwen who has spent every day with her since her arrival in Camelot. She thinks about his guileless eyes and the pain she saw in them when she was dying. She recalls the way he accepted her magic, helped her deal with it. How he tried to hide her with the druids, away from Camelot. How he was willing to sacrifice himself if it meant she would not be lonely anymore.
In truth, she thinks about him all the time, but especially when her sister's teaching becomes too much and her presence stifling. She remembers the weight of his friendship and thinks: you're wrong sister. People without magic aren't all like Uther.
*
Merlin is afraid for Morgana.
What if she did not make it? What if she did and Morgause succeeds in further poisoning her mind? What if she rebelled against her and Morgause killed her?
What if the next time a patrol goes in search of Lady Morgana, they come back with her dead body?
Merlin has nightmares about that day. About offering the poisoned vial. About Morgana drinking it. About the choking sounds she made. About holding her convulsing body in his arms.
He prays to the goddess that she is alright. Safe. And Alive.
Please Goddess, let her be alive.
*
It is still a long year but they are not burdened with the sting of betrayal. That makes it more bearable.
*
It is not all roses and sunshine.
When Morgana comes back, she still lies and pretends the evil witch Morgause kidnapped her and treated her as poorly as an enemy of Camelot would.
She still poisons Uther's mind and helps her sister in bringing the undead army in Camelot.
Because she remembers the excruciating fire and wants Uther to pay. Because most of Camelot's people never put a fight when a sorcerer or someone falsely accused of it is caught and murdered. They only watch the executioner do his job. Some are even as pleased as the king is.
Merlin still runs to join her.
(More easily than he would have in another world. There are no serkets' bites in this universe, because Morgana never revealed her friend's presence to her sister. She never let Merlin be hurt. She had no reason to.)
'We can find another way,' he pleads.
'There is no other way.'
Yet, she doesn't stop Merlin when he goes to empty the cup.
Later, she lies and tells her sister she was knocked out and woke up to find the cup lying empty on the ground.
*
Morgana still hates Uther and wants him dead and gone. She wants magic to be restored in Camelot no matter what the cost.
But she also has Merlin in her corner, not against her, and that makes a difference.
*
She honestly laughs during that mess with the goblin.
She finds it less hilarious once she lets go of gases.
The words 'there is evil in your heart' put a dampener on her mood and she has to wonder if it was really the goblin speaking or Gaius.
*
She asks Merlin.
'He wouldn't be the first to think you're turning evil,' he says.
Morgana would wince if not for the way Merlin is acting. He is not fearful or wary but pensive. He looks at her thoughtfully and says: 'No one can make you evil, Morgana. What you choose to do is up to you. Not Uther, nor your sister.' His eyes harden. 'Nor destiny. Make your own path.'
'Personally, I don't think you're evil,' he ends as he leaves.
*
Morgana is not evil. Morgause keeps saying it. But Morgause is also really fierce in her beliefs and violent in her ways. Morgana understands, you have to do terrible things to fight someone as nefarious as Uther Pendragon.
Still, it feels better hearing it from someone other than her sister. Someone other than Gwen whom she can't talk to (and who now makes googly eyes at Arthur. How did this happen?!). Someone other than Gaius who reports everything to the king.
Merlin is her friend and she has never been more thankful that he knows her secret and accepts her than she is now.
*
Merlin is persecuted by Kilgharrah.
The Dragon keeps saying that he is 'making the wrong choice', and should 'get rid of the witch before it is too late' and that his 'willingness to see goodness in people will be [his] undoing'.
'What good is being a good person if it's not to help others?'
(Merlin is not a good person. He killed too many people to be one. But he is trying and it should count for something.)
'Being good and kind means being able to forgive people and offer them second chances, Kilgharrah. Like I did with you.' The dragon glares. 'It doesn't make me an idiot. I may not always know what I'm doing but I'm sure trusting Morgana isn't a mistake.'
'You will one day, young warlock,' the cryptic lizard says before disappearing the goddess knows where.
Merlin once said that Morgana is his friend and that he shan't abandon her. Well, Morgana is his friend and he is keeping true to his promise.
If the sodding dragon can't bear it he can sod off.
*
He orders Kilgharrah to help him save her.
*
Morgana tells Morgause about GwenandArthur.
She honestly did not mean anything by it. She was only shaking her head incredulously because Gwen and Arthur? What does her good hearted maid find in that oaf?
But Morgause listened and planned to use it to remove Arthur from existence.
Morgana is torn about that. She always thought of Arthur as her reckless little brother (and now it happens that he truly is her little brother and Morgana shudders to think about how it happened) and it meant he was hers.
Family.
To protect (often against himself).
However, Arthur is also more like Uther than she is comfortable with. He raided druid camps (and does it matter that he did not want to when he still did it?), he is present at executions, he hunts sorcerers without an ounce of remorse. He did not believe his own mother's words about Uther using magic to give birth to him.
He did not lift a finger when Uther raged against her and choked her throat with his fist.
Morgana reluctantly admits that she loves Arthur. But it may not be wise to leave him take the throne once Uther dies. Morgana could take it by order of birth but Arthur would probably fight for it. The people and the nobles, the knights and the Council, they would all side with him because he is the Heir apparent (the male one) and does not have magic.
Morgana loves Arthur but she cannot leave him be.
She agrees to Morgause's plan.
*
'Let's go Morgana. I know what you're trying to do.'
'You know nothing!'
His next words: then explain your crazy plan to me are interrupted by Arthur's arrival. The prat always has to come at the wrong moments, does not he?
*
'This is insane,' Merlin comments once Morgana is done telling him her side of things.
'But you get it. Right?' she asks with trepidation. 'You know why I have to do it.'
He sighs. 'I do.'
Merlin understands her reasoning. He obviously does not like it nor is he going to lay down and let it come true. But he understands.
Staying Morgana's friend while she tries to kill his other friend is getting harder. Yet, Merlin suspects if he were to leave her now, she would be at Morgause's mercy and things would only get worse. Both for her and Camelot.
Merlin does not wish to leave Morgana anyway. He does wish things would get a little less catastrophic.
Morgana smiles faintly. 'I understand that you'll be in my way. Still. Thank you, Merlin.' For being my friend. For accepting me. For staying with me despite what I plan to do. For standing by me even when you should be screaming and running away from me.
She doesn't know how to put it into words. It's alright. Merlin gets them. He returns her smile with a tired one and squeezes her hand.
*
'Do you know this sorcerer? Dragoon?'
Merlin tries to keep from laughing but giggles escape him and soon he is bent from laughter on the ground. Morgana is left bewildered.
'Alright,' she nods. 'I'll take that as a yes. Any idea why he would help Gwen and Arthur's ridiculous, doomed love story?'
Merlin breathes: 'The power of love,' before dissolving into more uncontrollable chuckles.
Morgana smiles bemusedly. 'Right. I'll leave you to...,' she gestures at the table he has been sitting at and all the books and potions on it, 'that. Have a pleasant day, Merlin.'
*
Merlin feels for Gilli.
He also asks himself if the time has finally come to tell Morgana he has magic too.
*
Like in his visions, Morgana takes the throne.
He does not tell her.
*
Morgause gets severely injured in the battle and Morgana takes her away.
*
Merlin celebrates his friends' victory and relishes in having both Gwaine and Lancelot back. He finds it easier to breathe now that the threats are over. Ever more so with the king being catatonic.
(Not that Merlin finds joy in seeing the king's state. He stopped seeing Uther as the monster under the bed a long time ago and wishing he would disappear. Now he only pities the man.)
He wonders about Morgana and whether or not she is alright.
Another year spent worrying for his friend and having no way of contacting her.
Thank Avalon, Lancelot is here.
*
Morgana spends the following year taking care of her sister and cursing Gaius for what he did. It is not enough.
Morgause is dying.
*
The events with the Veil and the Cailleach happen and nothing changes.
Morgana loses her sister and Merlin loses his confident.
*
He finds her new home -a hovel- by himself.
'Lancelot's dead,' he says.
'I'm sorry,' she tells him.
She is not. She did not know the knight personally, barely remembered him from some tale Gwen told years ago (has it already been years?). But Merlin is here and talking about him which means he must have cared a great deal about him.
'I thought it was payment for what happened to Morgause,' he adds in confusion.
Morgana frowns. She frees the fire from her stare and turns in her chair to look at him. Merlin is standing near the closed door, paler than she has ever seen him. His eyes are dull. Empty.
She knows the feeling.
'Why? Was Gaius close to Lancelot?'
Merlin stares at her, numb. 'Gaius did not hurt Morgause. I did.'
'... Then I guess it is a fair payment.' She turns back toward the chimney, to contemplate the fire again. 'A life for a life.'
'A life for a life,' she hears him repeat flatly.
*
Uther dies.
Merlin could care less. The man's death consolidated Arthur's hatred of magic. Arthur's hatred for everything Merlin is.
He feels like shit. If he had any tears left to cry he would let them fall.
He plans to stay the night for Arthur.
He does not.
*
'The king is dead,' he announces as a town crier would.
'I know,' she responds blandly.
He closes the door loudly.
She stays unmoved.
He advances and sits on the chair she leaves at her side in front of the chimney for him.
'You don't look overly eager to take the throne. Shouldn't you be jumping from joy? Uther's dead. By your hand, might I add. It's a victory.'
She grins. Merlin smiles. He is a failure (and a criminal and a liar and a hypocrite) but he can still make his friend smile. That has to count for something. Right?
Morgana looks at him with a little less grief in her eyes. 'It is.'
*
He comes back in time to see the sun rise.
'You stayed here the whole night?,' Arthur asks.
No. I left to see your sister to congratulate her on patricide.
'I didn't want you to feel alone.'
It is not even a lie. Merlin just could not take Arthur's grief anymore, even with his friend hiding behind a closed door.
'You're a loyal friend, Merlin.'
You wouldn't say that if you knew I have magic.
*
'Tell me. I've got strong suspicions but it's always good to be proven right.' Morgana hums in askance. 'Agravaine works for you, doesn't he?'
She sighs. 'I warned him to be more cautious.'
'I knew it.'
Morgana doesn't look up from her brewing potion but she hears the smugness in Merlin's voice all too well.
Men.
'Yes and if you -a servant- can see it, it probably means that other servants can see it too.'
Merlin taps his fingers distractedly on the table. 'Nobles always forget about servants,' he muses.
'Exactly.'
It is one of the many reasons why she likes Merlin. She just told him that anyone with eyes could see what he did and he does not get offended. How many men get their feathers ruffled when they are taken down a peg? Morgana knows Arthur puffed a lot when there were younger. And later on.
'Does he know about me?'
About our friendship? Or that you visit me even more than he does?
'No, he does not.'
*
She broaches the subject the next time Agravaine, her spy that is crap at doing his job, comes by.
'About Merlin,' she starts.
'Pardon me, my Lady, but who are you talking about?'
...Really?
'Arthur's servant,' she answers when Agravaine's eyes tell her 'yes, really.' 'Dark hair. Blue eyes. Pale figure. Very mouthy. He's also Gaius' apprentice.'
Agravaine nods. 'Ah. Yes. The boy. What about him. Do you want me to get rid of him?'
'No, I don't. Actually, I want you to stay out of his way.'
Agravaine widens his eyes in surprise. 'Pardon me?'
'Absolutely not. From what I've learned you make a lousy job at being a spy. Servants have noticed the way you act, Agravaine. They are getting suspicious.'
'I- I don't-', he stammers.
Great. A nobleman who does not know how to put two sentences together. Her kingdom promises to be bright.
'Nobody listens to servants.'
She arches a dubious eyebrow. 'In Camelot? Where one serving girl is readying herself to be crowned queen?'
'I-'
'Arthur listens to Merlin, Agravaine. More than he does the other servants. Almost as much as he does Gwen. You can't take this lightly,' she warns him.
'I don't, my Lady,' he swears, lowering his head in a reverent bow. 'What should I do about the servant boy?'
'I repeat: nothing.'
Agravaine lifts his head up in shock. 'But. You just said that Arthur puts a lot of trust in him.'
As do I. 'He does,' she agrees. 'And he'll be even more suspicious if Merlin suddenly disappears or is found dead. Be more careful, it's all I ask of you.'
'And don't harm him either,' she adds after a beat, just to be on the safe side.
*
Merlin should not.
Merlin should not.
Merlin should not.
Merlin should not.
But Morgana is fighting for their people's freedom as much as he is (more actually because Merlin admits he may have lost hope of bringing magic back in Camelot after Uther's death, no matter what Kilgharrah keeps telling him about Destiny and how 'one half cannot truly hates what makes it whole') and she sacrificed a lot for their cause.
She lost a lot.
Merlin is not blind. He knows camelotians have lost a lot because of Morgana's own actions too. But they were already losing because of Uther. For now, the difference lies in the fact that Morgana is not Uther and that she wants to help and not punish. Yet, Merlin fears she may end up like the late king if she sees no light at the end of her tunnel.
The dragon egg is not only a symbol of hope for him and Kilgharrah. It is a symbol of hope for her.
He goes to her hideout and drags her out, refusing to listen about how she has 'plans in motion' and how she 'can't be distracted' and how she refuses 'to join in Camelot's usual tomfoolery'. He brings her to a clearing and places his bag on a tree trunk.
'There is something you don't know about me.'
Several things in fact but Merlin cannot resolve to reveal his magic yet. He figures starting with being a dragonlord is a good step in the right direction.
'...like why you dragged me in the woods in the middle of the night?'
Merlin beams. 'Yes, exactly.'
'And what is it, Merlin?,' she asks patiently.
'I'm a dragonlord,' he hurries to say before his brain can start again and make him stop.
*
'No, you're not,' is on the tip of her tongue.
She bites her tongue.
Merlin. The peasant turned physician's apprentice turned loyal king's servant -a dragonlord? It does not make sense at first glance.
Yet. It would explain how the Great Dragon succeeded in freeing himself from the hole Uther threw him in. It would explain how Arthur 'killed' the Great Dragon.
No one would suspect innocent, naive Merlin from being a dragonlord. No one would suspect him either of sympathizing with sorcerers, nor to maintain a friendship with the kingdom's first enemy.
'It makes sense.'
'Yeah?'
'Yes, it does.'
It makes sense when you know Merlin.
*
'The Great Dragon,' he would hate it if I were to give you his name, 'is supposed to be the last of his kind.'
'Thanks Uther,' Morgana scoffs.
'And he was until I found this.' Merlin opens the bag and gets the white egg out.
Morgana gasps. 'It's...'
'Yes,' he whispers in awe. 'It is.'
They fall silent, sharing in that moment of reverence. A baby dragon about to enter this world. It is ineffable.
Morgana's breath is harsh. 'How are you going to hatch it?'
'This is where it gets complicated.' Morgana arches a regal eyebrow. 'I don't know how but the Great Dragon does.'
Morgana nods. 'So you're going to call him.'
'Yes, but... Morgana. You should know that he doesn't have fond feelings about you.'
'Because I'm a Pendragon.'
He nods hesitantly. 'That and... Do you remember that talk we had two years ago after the goblin accident?'
'Is it what you are calling it?,' she teases.
'Yes, it is. Because it was an accident.' Morgana grins. 'Do you remember?'
'Yes, I do.'
'The Great Dragon's one of those that share the feeling.'
Morgana goes stiff. 'The Great Dragon, a creature of the Old Religion, believes me to be evil?'
'No!,' he rushes. Well. 'He may think you might turn in the future?'
She stays stunned.
'Dragons see the world differently than we do. It doesn't mean we can trust everything they say. We can only heed their words as a warning.'
'...are you sure. Or are you hoping for your words to be true?'
Merlin smiles weakly. 'If you believe in something strongly enough and work for it, it's bound to happen. Right? Like magic. Belief and practice.'
Morgana's gaze gets sharper. 'I suppose.'
*
He calls Kilgharrah, who grumbles and snarls about Morgana's presence. Morgana takes his loathing in stride and pushes back just as hard.
Merlin supposes growing up under Uther's supervision is bound to make you grow a backbone made of steel.
Merlin hushes them. Then brings Aithusa into the world.
Aithusa. Light of the Sun.
'The white dragon bodes well for Albion.'
*
'You're consumed by bitterness, Morgana. It spreads within you like a disease.'
'I fear you are more like Uther than you realise.'
Morgana should not take Annis' words to heart. Annis broke their deal and sided with Arthur. Arthur, who makes all the wrong choices and continues Uther's persecution of magic users. Arthur whom she still loves. Morgana should not be listening to her. Yet, her words keep ringing in her mind. What if she is right? What if, in her quest to free her kind from persecution, Morgana goes too far and becomes too much like him? What if she loses sight of her goal and becomes as blinded and hateful as he?
It seems inconceivable. Morgana could never be as spiteful, vindictive and cruel as Uther Pendragon. Yet a goblin 'saw' the evil in her heart and a dragon wants to roast her for her 'sins'.
What to believe?
*
Gaius has been taken. Arthur does not believe Merlin.
He has an inkling about who has taken him. Though he does not understand what she would gain from it. Merlin knows Morgana does not keep fond feelings of Gaius since she learned he drugged her for years to keep her magic a secret. He gets that she is angry. He also understands that his mentor thought it was the only way to keep her safe from Uther. It does not explain why she would take him now.
Merlin is gnawing on his sleeve. He can't leave, Arthur has the knights making rounds and surveying him. If he tries to leave, they'll stop him and bring him back to Arthur for 'his own safety'. Merlin can't bear to face the prat. Which means he has to wait until darkness falls. In the meantime, he worries.
He is glad for Gwen's comfort but it does not lessen his hurt.
Gaius is still missing. Arthur does not trust him.
*
Merlin has come as she expected. And he is furious, as she predicted. He shouts, he paces, he passes his hands frustratingly through his hair. He glares at her.
Morgana lets him howl until she can't take it anymore. 'Why do you keep on coming back when you stand against everything I believe in?'
Merlin stops his movements and whirls to face her. 'Because I'm your friend!,' he snarls. 'Because we may have both changed but I still see the stubborn woman willing to do anything to help her people. Because I still see the good in you, Morgana. Even after the crap the dragon serves me every day, after what you did on Samhain. Even now after you bloody kidnapped Gaius and hurt him!'
Morgana stands strong in front of him but it feels like she is crumbling inside. All those weeks she spent with Annis' words haunting her. Turning like a lion in a cage in her hovel and twisting her words and Gaius' and the dragon's and every action she took since she first left Camelot with her sister. Was it wrong? Most of it yes. Does she regret any of it? Some of it yes, but she would still do it for the good of her people. Is it worth it? Is this turning her into a pantomime of Uther? Is it worth it?
Now, her friend is there and shouting that he believes. That she is still good.
She is still good.
'You're my friend. And when no one believes in you, I do.'
Morgana takes his faith in her and lets it fuel hers.
*
Alator observes the two people within the cave. The boy Merlin, Emrys the prophesied savior of their people, and Morgana Pendragon, the last High Priestess. Both of them living in the shadows. Both of them fighting for a better future. Both of them being hunted simply for existing. Like Alator and his Clan. Like every magic user in the Five Kingdoms.
He watches the two of them from his place in the shadows, both so young and yet so powerful and full of spirit.
When no one believes in you, I do.
Alator believes too.
*
Honestly, those stupid silly prattish Pendragons. Merlin swears they'll be the death of him.
*
(That mess with the fomorroh never happens.)
Morgana heals him and takes care of him after her bandits bring him to her.
He is declared missing in Camelot. His absence has to do with taking a break from destiny and his many duties, as well as spending time with his friend (and not with being tortured and possessed.)
Arthur hugs him when he finds him in the woods (and this time Merlin has no reason to forget it.)
*
Morgana is getting better and doesn't let herself be troubled by doubts.
She still worries about the threat Emrys poses.
She doesn't talk about it with Merlin.
*
Morgana brings Lancelot back.
(He is not a shade this time. This is the real Lancelot.)
The knight has a mission and it is to break the courtship of Gwen and Arthur.
(Morgana bears Gwen no grudge but, like with Arthur, she can't let her be. If Morgana is to take the throne, a Queen can't already be sitting on it.)
(Morgana keeps fond feelings of Gwen because of her continued friendship with Merlin. Because people without magic are not all like Uther. Merlin proved that.)
Once his mission is achieved, the spell she's put him under will lift and he will be free to walk the world again.
Morgana has heard of what happened with the lamia. How the knights, Merlin's so-called friends, treated him. They were under a spell and Merlin knows it but like he said to her when he came to visit: 'it doesn't mean it did not happen'.
Morgana does not only bring the knight for Gwen, if she did she would have settled for a shade. She brings him for Merlin, the friend that stayed steadfast at her side even when she threatened the ones he loves. Merlin who desperately needs more friends, more people to count on.
He did not say it but the knights are not the only problem. Gwen is getting closer to Arthur and away from Merlin. Arthur is Arthur and oblivious and a prat. Morgana remembers how Merlin came to her after Lancelot sacrificed himself to the Veil. How he stayed numb for weeks before Uther's death.
'A life for a life,' she had said. Yet, the deal was a sacrifice for the Veil's closure. Lancelot sacrificed his soul. It does mean someone else can't take it back, not while it is still whole and not yet ripped apart by the other doomed souls on the Other Side.
She brings Lancelot back and sends him on his way.
*
She orders Agravaine to look after Lancelot.
Which was apparently a good call on her part as the knight tried to hang himself in his cell, and would have succeeded had her spy not been watching him.
Foolish knight. Too noble for his own good.
Morgana curses. She did not bring him back so he could kill himself!
*
Lancelot is declared missing.
Merlin finds him on the edge of a forest. Lost. Confused. Full of guilt.
Merlin embraces him.
'You have no idea how much I missed you.'
Lancelot relaxes. He smiles and it is genuine for the first time since he came back.
*
Arthur suspects Merlin was the one to free Lan- the Traitor.
It hurts. His fiancée and his knight betrayed him and his friend supports them.
Arthur can really trust no one, can he?
*
'Druids,' he croaks.
His skin is cold and his breath is harsh. He is on the verge of crying.
'Arthur is a good man,' she tries to comfort him.
'He is,' Merlin agrees quietly.
He is not sure it is enough any longer.
*
(Morgana doesn't shift Gwen into a deer.)
Morgana knocks Gwen out and has her sent back to Ealdor.
*
While they leave, while they travel with smugglers, while they run towards Ealdor, while they escape in the forest, Merlin supports Arthur. Hides him. Stands by him. Works to give him his faith back.
And as they reunite with Camelot's people, he comes to a realization.
Leon says: 'I know that I would ride into the mouth of hell for you.'
Merlin does not say 'and I' even if he would. Merlin loves Arthur and believes him to be a good man that will be a great king. But he does not intend to stay to see it.
The Sword was his last act for his friend.
*
Arthur has his queen and his knights. He has his faith back and the people love him. He doesn't need Merlin any longer.
Merlin sees a brilliant future. A beautiful kingdom with her golden King and her loving Queen. Brave, loyal knights and the people living without fear. It makes him want to hope that magic has a place in it. However, he doesn't see it.
Merlin has a destiny and he fulfilled half of it. Arthur is king and he is alive and protected. His foes have been defeated.
Magic is not free and Albion is not born. Merlin will have to find a way to build it another way because Arthur is a good man and will be a great king but he won't bring magic back.
(Merlin has known it since he killed Uther. He merely blinded himself to the truth. The truth just took its sweet time to hit him fully.)
*
He finds her on the outskirts of the forest. She is lying on the ground and she looks about to die.
It is the moment Aithusa comes in.
Merlin looks at her.
Aithusa looks at him.
He nods his head and gives her an encouraging smile. Aithusa agitates her wings in excitement and breathes life back into Morgana.
'Welcome back to the living.'
Morgana huffs a laugh.
Merlin takes her in his arms and leaves. Aithusa flies and settles onto his right shoulder.