Chapter Text
As they neared the door to the Three Broomsticks, heart pounding in her ears, Hermione pulled Ginny aside with more strength than expected.
“Ginny, these people are my coworkers and almost friends. You are not to say anything remotely inappropriate to them”
“What on earth are you on about,” the ginger smiled coyly at her in a way that reminded her of Fred and George. The comparison did little to calm her nerves.
“You are the most crass person I’ve ever spoken to. And I am begging you not to say anything crude in front of anyone here. There’s a reason Harry and I don’t let you come!”
“I can’t believe you would insult me like this! I am your dearest friend and am frankly hurt that you and my husband are teaming up on me like this. If you’re going to tag team me, at least do it naked as my 30th birthday present like I’ve been begging of him for years.”
“See that! Exactly that! You cannot make jokes about having a threesome with me in front of my coworkers. The fucking Slytherins will be there and the snakes will never let me live anything you say down”
“But you let Lavender go down on you in fifth year!”
Hermionie’s magic crackled and Ginny finally took took the hint.
“Jesus, the fact that Harry was the one to kill Voldemort and not you will never cease to amaze me. I promise to be on my best behavior and not say anything that would force you to have an HR nightmare. I’ll be such a good girl for you, I promise,” said Ginny. Throwing her a wink, unable to help herself. Hermione thoroughly regretted drunkenly telling her about her praise kink at the last girls night.
“Ginerva,” and she hit her with a look of pure mirth, her warning clear as day.
Thankfully, Harry walked up just then to save the situation.
“Harry, back me up and tell your wife she needs to tone it the fuck down tonight”
“I can’t believe you to are teaming up against me and not on-“
“She already made that joke? Jesus, it’s not even 9 pm, dear,” Harry laughed until he saw Hermione’s face. She and Basilisks seem to both have the face to kill with a single stare.
“Hermione, she’s winding you up and you know it. She will be fine. Now let’s just go in and get you good and proper drunk. I will deal with my wife.”
“H, you know I wouldn’t actually do anything to hurt your job. You just make it easy to wind up,” she hooked her arm in Hermione’s and felt her finally relax.
“I know I know, you’re just such a damn wildcard.”
“I promise to be the picture of dignity tonight,” said Ginny, pushing the door open. Just when Hermione thought she was in the clear, “and I swear I won’t mention to a certain platinum blonde about the wet dreams you’ve been having of him since 3rd year.”
Ginny pulled her over the threshold of the pub, and Hermione knew she’d live to regret this night forever.
The crowd was already in full swing when the trio arrived. The department of law enforcement had such a shit show of a day, that all of them cut out as soon as they could and started drinking immediately. As Harry, Hermione and Ginny approached, it was clear that they had quite the catching up to do.
“Oh my fucking god. Yes yes yes, Ginny get your pert ass over here,” squealed Pansy Parkinson.
Hermione and Harry caught each other’s eyes with a fear in them they hadn’t seen since the war. Pansy and Ginny together were a more formidable force than Bellatrix and Voldemort.
They weren’t really sure how or why, but the further they got from the war, the closer they got to be with people they previously believed to be forever enemies. Working at the ministry forced them to collaborate with all sorts of people across all sorts of departments, projects and deadlines causing interactions between the most unlikely of pairings. Now ten years post war, their social web was a tangled mess of green, gold, blue and yellow.
Pavarti Patil was chatting with Theodore Nott about her latest project, her affinity for divination pushed her into the department of mysteries. And the Nott families affinity for throwing money around the ministry, pushed him into the Unspeakable program as well.
Hannah Abbot was sandwiched between Neville Longbottom and Blaise Zabini, animatedly chatting about trade regulation of Devil’s Snare.
Roger Davies, Cho Chang and Ron Weasley were having a heated argument about the Chudley Cannons chances, or lack thereof, of the World Cup this year.
The blonde who Ginny mentioned haunting Hermiones dreams was nowhere to be seen, causing her to exhale in relief. She’d had a particularly vivid dream of him last night and knew she wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye without picturing him on his knees with his face buried in her...
Someone bumped in to her, thankfully pulling her out of her naughtiest of thoughts only to feel butterbeer slop all down her back.
“Shit, sorry Granger. I didn’t mean to get you all wet. Fuck, look you’re soaking.”
She looked up and saw Malfoy, who had been trying to balance one-two-many drinks and failed splendidly. Clearly having no idea all the ways his words were applying to said conversation. Hermione vanished the spilt drink with a flick of her wand and regained her composure. The butter beer acting as effectively as a cold shower.
“It’s fine Malfoy. Don’t worry about it,” she said trying to avoid eye contact. Thankfully, his tall frame meant that her natural gaze hit right at his pecs. Unthankfully, she was now forced to see his formidable chest and delectable arms, the fabric seemingly screaming against his bulging biceps.
“Here, Potter, I got you the shittiest muggle beer I could find,” Malfoy smirked as he handed Harry his drink.
Malfoy and Harry’s friendship was the strangest of all those that had developed in their tangled web of schoolmates. They were assigned to work together in the Auror department. Harry’s was all instincts and gut feelings, where Malfoy was scheming and meticulous plans. After months of butting heads over a few pints at a department party, Blaise told them that they either fought so much because they were too damn similar, or had unresolved sexual tension. The pair burst out laughing and had been friends ever since. Boys were so simple, Hermione thought dully as she rolled her eyes just as a cold glass was pressed into her hands
“Granger, your martini. I grabbed a drink for your dear wife as well Potter, which was the one that pushed me over the edge and caused me to spill her butterbeer all over Granger. The world clearly needed to punish me for being far too nice to Griffyndors,” Malfoy drawled as he threw her a wink
“Honestly, it’s for the best Ginny didn’t get the drink. She’s absurd enough as it is,” said Hermione
“Yeah, Remember the time she got so sloshed at Victoires birthday party that she asked Draco if the rumors were true about being a ‘Slytherin Sex God’ and asked how long his snake was,” Harry smiled as though it was the proudest he’d ever been of his wife.
Malfoy’s cheeks slightly pinked while Hermione took the worlds biggest sip at the memory.
“Yes. She was definitely the drunkest there. Which wasn’t a huge competition, as it was a child’s second birthday and 10 a.m. But no luck on delaying the inevitable, she’s ripping shots with Parkinson as we speak” said Malfoy.
Hermione’s neck snapped to see Ginny and Pansy downing a very pink shot. She inwardly cursed ever liking Pansy enough to bring her to their girls nights and rushed over to them. She thought they’d wait until at least a few hours before they got into shooting Pink Pussy’s like their lives depended on it.
“Ah, Granger. Perfect. Knew that’d get your attention,” smirked Pansy.
“Parkinson and I have been talking,” Ginny began but was cut off by Blaise Zabini sitting down next to them and saying “never a good idea.”
“Blaise, darling. We are having girl time. Why don’t you go back to eye-fucking Penelope Clearwater. You love doing that,” snapped Parkinson.
“One, I plan on doing more than eye-fucking her. Two, Ginny never is allowed to come to these things and I am simply desperate to know why Potter and Granger insist on hiding her from us.”
Hermione went to try and stop this dangerous threesome from continuing before Ginny beat her to it.
“Hermione and Harry think I am a bit of a liability,” she said loudly enough to get the attention of the entire table, “but they simply don’t have faith in me. I will be showing everyone tonight how appropriate I can be. In fact, I’d like to begin tonight by a rousing discussion of muggle slang.”
Hermione knew this topic was too innocent for Ginny to bring up. She couldn’t possibly see how this would get inappropriate, but judging on the smirk on her best friends face, she knew it was inevitable.
“Well, as the Muggle Studies professor, I am happy to contribute to this discussion,” piped Susan Bones.
“Perfect professor, I would like to discuss a term I am newly familiar with. Do you know what BDE means?”
Susan burst into laughter and Hermione felt her stomach turn into knots. She knew that explaining that term to Ginny would come back to bite her in the ass. Especially since the very person she’d used as the shining example of it was here in this very room. As though he could sense it, Malfoy’s drawling voice came from behind her.
“Now, Bones, what on earth could the she-weasel be talking about that has you in such a state. Please, share with the class,” his signature smirk lighting up his features.
Hermione briefly allowed herself to take in his appearance. Malfoy was no longer the prejudiced prick he was in school but, unfortunately for her, was also not the skinny boy he was back then either. He towered over everyone, having to be around 6’4, and was all long legs and broad shoulders. He filled out perfectly, his body looking like a marble statue of a greek god. Something he clearly knew, as he wore clothing that looked like he’d gotten it tailored in the biceps and ass. Knowing him, he probably did. But tonight he had truly outdone himself. He was wearing a tight black sweater tucked into perfectly fitting charcoal trousers with a belt of snakes that slithered to form two G’s. Of course, Malfoy had taken the initiative to rid himself of his hatred of muggles by buying out the entire Gucci store. His Chelsea boots had a small G on them as well, the gold of them matching signet ring gleaming on his left hand. While the look was simple, Hermione thought it was quite possibly the sexiest thing she’d ever seen him in. She thanked Merlin he’d taken his wand holster off, or she’d have to leave.
Ginny’s next word snapped her out of her trance as she said
“It means: Big Dick Energy” she said, her eyes firmly locked with Draco’s.
The room erupted in laughter while, surprisingly, Susan began to explain further. How the hell did Ginny manage to get her as an ally?
“Yes. A muggle comedian is actually who inspired the term. He’s fine looking but nothing to write home about. But there is just something about him that exudes…just something. So everyone began talking about all the men they thought fell under that category. Or the opposite. Your nephew,” her eyes floated over to Ron and Ginny, “asked if they could write a paper on the topic.”
Hermione couldn’t help but laugh along at that as well. It was unsurprising to hear that he was walking in his uncles footsteps.
“Wait, I still don’t understand,” Nott began before Zabini cut him off
“Yes, of course you don’t.”
Nott ignored him.
“Can you please give us some examples of this BDE? I also feel examples of SDE would help me further understand the theory,” he pushed his glasses further up his nose and Hermione was suddenly reminded of him back at Hogwarts.
To her horror, Ginny answered,
“Oh my dearest Theodore. I truly thought you’d never ask.”
The look Ginny, Pansy and Theo shared caused Hermione’s heart rate to reach an unhealthy rate. They had planned this whole conversation.
“Well you see boys, it’s quite easy for you all to see what a girl has going on. But for us, especially us witches as we are forced to be surrounded by men who drown their gorgeous figures in robes, it’s nearly impossible to know what you’re working with. And although muggle mens wear makes it easier, on a completely unrelated note, Drakey, nice trousers,” Pansy said as she tossed him a wink and looked directly at his crotch. Malfoy flushed slightly and adjusted himself. Hermione tried not to stare.
“We still have no idea if the wand matches the wizard, so to speak. So it’s a bit of a fun game to try and guess. As far as an example of someone with BDE, Viktor Krum comes to mind.”
“So if you’re an international quidditch player that automatically means you have a huge dick? Perfect for me,” piped Oliver Wood as the table laughed.
Ginny and Hermione shared a knowing glance. I mean with a last name like that, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone, but Hermione couldn’t walk for a week after their one-time fling a few summers ago.
“Not necessarily,” Ginny began, “something about his energy. I mean he’s obviously talented but also brooding, and has this quiet confidence. Sort of one of those ‘it’s always the silent ones’ type thing.”
“But you could be wrong. I mean there’s plenty of people who overcompensate,” Zabini began before Pansy cut him off.
“While you’re right Zabini, Krum is confirmed. What did you say about him Hermione, that you couldn’t tell if you were fucking his dick or his broom handle?” She hit Hermione with a sly smile that Hermione was so tempted to hex off. Before she could think of something to retort, Nott cut in.
“Yes, yes. Viktor Krum has a cock so big it’s a wonder his broom can get more than a few feet above the ground. I was there that girls night Hermione regaled us with the tale. I think we’ve all got the concept. I’d love to know though, who do we all think has the opposite. Who just exudes SDE. Come on class, house points are up for this.”
Without missing a beat, all the boys said
“Fucking McLaggan.”
She heard Draco draw it out the longest, dripping with disgust from behind her right shoulder. Her body hummed at his proximity.
Everyone laughed, including Hermione, but faltered when she took one look at Ginny’s grin and knew what she was about to say.
“While that is an astute guess, the git seemed like he had to be overcompensating, we’ve confirmed that one as well.”
“Bollocks,” said Seamus Finnegan. “There is no way that’s true. I don’t want to live in a world where that prat has good reason to be cocky.”
“I wouldn’t have believed it either,” said Pansy, “if it wasn’t for our dear Granger. You know just how passionate she is about experimenting and solving puzzles. She’s the one who confirmed it, and she simply is never wrong.”
Before Hermione could even begin to deny the claim, Nott started talking.
“Yes, it was a very interesting tidbit I found out. At first I was annoyed, I mean just because I’m gayer than Dumbledore, god rest his soul, doesn’t mean I am interested in going to girls nights. But everything was worth it to hear Granger describe her hook ups with McLaggen. What was the exact quote again? ‘Do you know how fucking annoying it is for him to be hung like a centaur?’”
“This is absolutely horrible news” Anthony Goldstein said before downing his newly full pint
“Ah fear not my sweet,” Theo continued, looking hungrily at how well Goldstein’s throat accommodated 22 oz of beer in such a small amount of time “just because one has the size does not mean one has the skill. This story has it all: black mail, the Hogwarts restricted section and a happy ending, albeit a premature one.”
“Theo,” Hermione warned, but knew it was no use. That’s what she got for telling a secret to a Slytherin. Besides, McLaggen fucked up one of her most recent cases by claiming he spoke French, which she took as the language while he meant the kissing. He was certainly not fluent in either. The French Ambassador she was collaborating with was not amused.
“This story casts you in the absolute best light, you told me instead of Weaslette and it was my birthday 48 days ago. I’m telling it”
Fuck it. Hermione grabbed Malfoys expensive scotch and downed the whole thing, stealing herself.
“McLaggen came in a condom,” Theo said proudly.
Malfoy shifted behind her and whispered “You’re going to pay for that. Those 2 ounces cost more than your rent,” his tone far too aggressive for the scotch and money she knew he cared little about.
“I know you’re the purest of blood, but you know condoms are very normal and honestly a good call with knowing where that idiot has probably been,” Dean Thomas rolled his eyes, pulling her back to her imminent mortification.
“Oh you misunderstand me. McLaggen came in the condom as he was rolling it on,” he paused to let everyone die of laughter before continuing on with what he felt was the best part of the story.
“Of course he proceeded to get on his hands and knees and apologize to Hermione profusely with the usual. ‘This never happens,’ ‘I didn’t sleep last night,’ ‘you’re just so beautiful that’s why,’ blah blah blah. And he begs her not to tell a soul. Well the brightest and most empathetic witch of our age, took pity on him and said she wouldn’t tell. But needed something in return and as the bloke was already aptly positioned on his knees, they made a trade.”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME,” Ginny erupted and her red hair made it look like her whole body was on fire.
“You told me McLaggen ate you out up against every wall in the castle because you had created a potion to make your pussy taste like the scent of their amortentia.”
Each time she thought the group couldn’t laugh harder, they did. The sound was nearly drowned out by Malfoy whispering “naughty girl” against her ear. She downed his drink again, hoping it would mask how desperately she wanted him to say that again.
“Obviously,” she said in her best Snape impression.
“I took that potion every day for years and it was all a lie?”
“Is that why when you’d ask me how you tasted and when I replied ‘delicious’ you asked if I could use more descriptive adjectives’” Dean asked, trying not to die laughing.
“If you could refrain from reflecting on eating my wife out, I’d appreciate it,” Harry said, trying and failing to be menacing.
“Oh don’t get jealous darling. Nobody can top you and your parsle-tongue,” Ginny slurred, sticking her tongue out like a snake at the end.
“Let us not diminish all of my hard work! I missed quidditch tryouts because of it.”
“It’s okay Dean, I do still miss that BBC of yours. Another muggle phrase! I am such a woman of culture and intellect,” Ginny said shooting Dean a wink that Harry did not appreciate.
“What was in that potion Granger,” Ginny rounded back on Hermione.
“A contraceptive. Which you obviously needed,” which caused everyone to laugh, except for Ron.
“You are racking up quite a tab there Granger. However will you repay me” Malfoy drawled, pulling her attention back to him. Had he moved closer?
“Just because you grew up in a castle without any love and affection doesn’t make me a pauper. Both my parents are doctors, I live in a building with a doorman in the center of London and I make more money than you. Now if you wouldn’t mind getting the Caribbean cask next time. This last one was too peaty.”
The scent of Malfoys decidedly masculine cologne was overwhelming her, so much so she couldn’t properly process how truly obnoxious Blaise was going to be now that he’d had BBC explained to him.
Draco was about to respond scathingly when Pansy drew back their attention.
“Tell me, does blackmail get you off Granger? Is that why McLaggen did it so much for you?”
“I will say, your excitement when you trapped Rita in a jar forth year was borderline sexual,” Harry replied, ignoring everyones reaction to her trapping and blackmailing a formidable witch at the age of 14.
“It was not sexual, I was simply excited to have figured out she had reported all of those stories about you because I’m an amazing friend,” she snipped back.
“Really,” George Weasley appeared out of fucking nowhere giving her a look that all but swore it wasn’t going to end well, “is that why you blew Fred in a spare compartment on the Hogwarts express home?”
“Let us not speak ill of the dead,” Hermione replied quickly, wondering why George was there and why he and Ginny seemed to both want her life ruined.
“I was dead for all of 3 minutes before I was revived, thank you very much,” Fred replied, sharing in his twins ability to appear out of thin air.
Ron, who had mercifully been getting another drink, returned with his eyes roving over everyones stunned faces at this latest piece of gossip.
Draco came to her rescue “what we’re you saying Pans?”
His chivalrous move backfired as Pansy took the opportunity to change targets
“Draco darling, what was more scarring: Walking in on your mother sitting atop your sexy daddy’s face or walking in on your dear Aunt Bella throwing it back for the dark lord.”
The room absolutely lost it.
“I told you that under DURESS,” Draco said, his cheeks reddening “and do not call Lucius sexy or daddy.”
“Me withholding a blow job is not duress.”
Draco mumbled something that sounded like “it is when you’re 15,” while Pansy continued
“And Lucius is sexy. He was my sexual awakening.”
“And mine,” chimed in Theo and Daphne Greengrass.
“I thought I was your sexual awakening,” Draco turned on Theo, looking offended in a way he’d never admit to.
“You we’re when I realized I was gay, he was my sexual awakening. See with Lucius and the long hair, I could tell myself it was because he was more on the feminine side so I surely wasn’t actually gay. Don’t tell me you’re offended? I tried out for Quidditch just to see you naked. Does that help?”
“My father is not feminine, I am not offended, no that does not help because you were bloody terrible at Quidditch!”
“Touchy touchy. I was good at Quidditch when we played against teams with lots of girl members. I couldn’t help getting distracted seeing the Chosen Ones Chosen cock in that delectable Quidditch kit. No need to be so fussy all because I said I desperately wanted to pull on that gorgeous mane while I fuck your dear daddy.”
“WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!” Draco tried to regain control of himself. “And my father would certainly not be the one being fucked in this preposterous situation. Perhaps you would’ve excelled as a player if you were keeper, since it would lean in to your natural predilections.”
“You are so terribly sexy when you’re all worked up like this Drakey. Do you normally use such impressive vocabulary during dirty talk, I can think of a few swotty people who are dying to know,” Theo shot Hermione a wink that she tried to ignore as staunchly as she was ignoring how wet the idea of Draco dirty talking with an SAT worthy vocabulary was making her.
“Alright Theo, ease up,” said Blaise. Draco turned his stare to him, having a suspicion that this wasn’t going to improve the situation.
“Drake, would it help you to know that my sexual awakening was the idea of fucking both of your parents? OUCH,” Blaise winced as Draco’s stinging hex hit him on the arm.
“If I could obliviate the memory of you asking me if I thought my parents would agree to a threesome with you as a Christmas gift, I fucking would. Now for the love of God can we change the subject.”
“Oh Draco, don’t act like you don’t think about your da-father,” Pansy corrected, seeing Draco raise his wand to her, “during sex. I know if someone whispered ‘Draco, son I am so proud of you’ (she said in an uncanny Lucius impersonation) in your ear you’d come instantly.”
Hermione could feel his body radiating behind her with rage, his magic crackling behind him.
“It makes perfect sense to develop a praise kink in response to your trauma of a lacktherof in your childhood,” said Luna Lovegoods dreamy voice “like how I now like to be tied up as a response to residing in your dungeon during the war. It’s perfectly normal.”
The room went silent, in a way that could only be caused by one Luna Lovegood. Although she’d blame it on nargles.
“Ugh, thank you so much Lovegood. And here Harry and Hermione thought I’d be the one to absolutely ruin the mood. Now if you all don’t mind, I am going to take my husband and his chosen cock home. All this talk of school makes me want to role-play in our old uniforms. Pip, pip Potter.”
And with that, the group separated. Hermione rushed through the floo without looking back at any of them, torn between the feeling of overwhelming arousal and pure humiliation.