Work Text:
I’m a buzzkill, I’m a broken one
I’m a victim of the things you’ve done
I’m a phantom of who I thought I was
Ever since you, ever since you
Renjun walks from the bathroom towards his bedroom, taking in the deathly silence around him. It’s nearing six in the morning, meaning that the rest of the members have been sleeping for at least an hour by now.
Renjun had woken up again during the night, a common occurrence from everything that’s been going on for the past few months. Mainly, their old manager being assigned to them again.
When Renjun saw his face for the first time in four years, he almost threw up. Everything he’d managed to suppress came back with such a force that Renjun had to excuse himself from the room. The man’s smile felt like such a slap to the face that Renjun could almost physically feel the burn.
He wasn’t prepared to ever see the man’s face again after he was assigned away from NCT Dream. From what Renjun remembers, the man had been reassigned to some of Super Junior’s members, and Renjun didn’t have to see him again after that, considering the SuJu members are rarely in the company. It really should’ve stayed that way.
Now, the man drives them to and from whatever schedules they have, and Renjun gets to anxiously stare at the back of the man’s head in terror until they get somewhere crowded. Six other members with him in a van do not feel anywhere near enough people.
Preferably, Renjun would like to have the entirety of the South Korean army with him to kill that man, but he can’t. Not possible, no matter how many times he daydreams about it.
Every day is so full of so much anxiety and vigilance, that by the time they get home and he can relax, Renjun immediately falls asleep. Then, in his sleep, everything comes back full force in a way that he can’t consciously keep out.
He can’t stop it.
()()()()()
Renjun remembers the excitement inside of him when he took his first flight from Jilin to South Korea. Renjun had gotten off at the airport with his parents trailing behind him, and there they had spotted a finely dressed man holding up a sign with Renjun’s name.
Right then, everything had started to feel real in a way that it hadn’t before. Renjun had walked over to the man, his parents trailing behind him, and his nervousness and excitement was probably visible from outer space.
Everything had gone just fine after that, surprisingly. They had been driven to the company, and Renjun, along with his parents, sat in a conference room filled with fancy lawyers in suits and ran through every aspect of Renjun’s trainee contract.
Renjun, admittedly, did not pay a lot of attention to the entire discussion, his body was buzzing with so much excitement that he couldn’t get his brain to shut off and pay attention.
At some point through the whole thing, Renjun was almost bouncing in his seat, and when his mother took hold of the blue gel pen handed to her, and signed shakily on the page, Renjun felt like he could physically see his entire future unfolding right before his eyes.
Right as they made their way out of the offices, and got driven to the dorms he’d be staying at, his mother turned to face Renjun and held his hands tightly in hers.
“Are you sure about this?” His mom’s voice is shaky, and his father puts his hand low on her waist, showing his support. Renjun notices and throws them the biggest but calmest smile he can muster.
“Yeah, mom. Dad,” he bites his lip and jumps a little in place before huffing and crashing against both his parents, holding them tightly in a hug. “I’m going to miss you guys a lot.”
His parent’s arms make their way around him tightly, and they hold each other tightly, “be safe and be strong, Renjun.”
Renjun smiles brightly at his dad’s words and nods, “of course dad.”
“If anything happens, you call us right away, Renjun,” his mom says, holding Renjun’s shoulders tightly. “You hear me? Just one word and we’ll take a flight here directly with fifty different lawyers to break SM’s back, okay?”
Renjun snorts, knowing his mother has nowhere near that kind of money, but he still nods and agrees. “Of course, mom. Nothing’s gonna happen to me, though, okay? I’ll be fine.”
Oh, what a lie that had been.
Renjun was right, though. His family - nor him - has ‘breaking a contract with SM’ type money, so when everything went down and something did happen, Renjun did his best to keep quiet and not bring any attention to the situation. He stayed right where he was, sitting silent and pretty until everything receded to the back of his mind and he could finally pretend that nothing ever did happen.
There’s no need to fix things that were never broken.
Renjun went to therapy, and he managed to get through some of the struggles with guidance from the nice lady, but he could never bring himself to let her know about the truth of everything that happened.
What if she told someone? What if it leaked? He would legitimately have to kill himself. Renjun would have had to disappear. And it was already hard enough to not do that without the extra pressure.
Which led to Renjun’s therapist thinking that one of his friends had been the one to...violate him like that. He never corrected her, and she never asked for more information than what was offered, so.
Right now, though. Right now Renjun wishes that he had told her and that she would have told his parents or someone. Renjun really wishes he didn’t have to be surrounded by the same man who managed to render him into his lowest self years ago and still continues to do so.
And the thing is, Renjun knows that the man is aware of what he’s doing. Renjun has caught the other man smirking at him from the rearview mirror. Renjun has seen him deliberately making eyes at Jisung from where he knows Renjun can see him. It feels like they’re playing a very dangerous game where Renjun will come out hurting no matter what.
The only outcomes are: Renjun being hurt, and- Renjun being hurt along with someone else. It’s the same options he had to choose from four years ago, and Renjun’s skin is itching from the choice he knows he’s going to have to make.
I don’t talk about it
Unless I make a joke about it
That’s just what you want, huh?
That’s just what you want
A year or so since everything had happened, a member realized that something was wrong with Renjun.
Renjun remembers it brightly as if everything had only happened a mere minutes ago instead of three years.
They were in a show, promoting something that he’s never remembered, and Jisung had left to go to the bathroom. But, he’d left for the bathroom a long while ago, and Renjun knows it’s common for the other to disappear randomly when he’s overwhelmed, but- Renjun can't shake off this feeling.
Ever since that happened to him, every time another one of the members disappears on set for anything, Renjun can feel his body warming up with adrenaline and anxiety. Renjun is always aware that he’s most likely overreacting, but he can’t bring himself to ignore potentially dangerous situations.
That’s why, when they arrive on set during the morning and one of the producers makes his way towards them, Renjun immediately clocks as the man’s eyes wander towards Jisung.
Renjun, fists shaking with adrenaline and pure, undiluted anger, clears his throat loudly and makes eye contact with the other man. The sight must have been funny, a tiny seventeen-year-old attempting to square up with a middle-aged man, but he did it.
Throughout the rest of the shoot, Renjun kept his eyes on the man and any of the other member’s interactions, shaking from the terror.
And, everything had been going fine. The man’s eyes hadn’t wandered anywhere they shouldn’t have since the beginning of the shoot, and Renjun was starting to wonder if the paranoia had made him imagine things and signs that weren’t there.
However, Jisung had gone to the bathroom early during their lunch break, and more than ten minutes have passed, and the man isn’t anywhere Renjun can see anymore, and-
“Hey, are you okay?” Mark’s voice cuts Renjun’s panicking thoughts like a knife, and Renjun looks directly at him. The anxiety is still coursing like a current of lava through his body, and Renjun can almost feel how his pupils dilate with the rush of adrenaline.
“Jisung hasn’t been back in a while.”
Mark looks confused, and he shakes his head slightly, looking concerned, “you know he likes to hide sometimes when he’s feeling a little overwhelmed, Jun-ie. He’s always been like that.”
And Renjun shakes his head with a deep sigh, his eyes are darting from person to person around them in the studio, but he can’t see the other man anywhere around them. Fuck.
“No , Mark, you have to understand, the- the other man was looking at him,” Renjun feels his eyes stinging the longer he can’t spot neither of the people he’s looking for and hugs his legs as close as he can to his torso.
“Hey, hey? Jun-ie? What do you mean? Looking at him how?” Mark’s voice is getting that shaky quality that it gets when he’s starting to get nervous in a situation, and Renjun blinks his gaze back at him.
He looks scared.
“He…” Renjun swallows thickly and looks at the ground. The only words that come to his brain are ‘how our old manager-hyung used to look at me- and him,’ but Renjun can’t say that. He can’t. “He looked hungry.”
Mark’s eyes widen and he grasps Renjun’s hands tightly until Renjun looks up at him, “Hun-? Renjun, what the fuck? Why haven’t you said anything? We should be looking for him right now, not whatever the fuck you’re doing, then.”
Renjun feels the words like a gong going off inside his brain, and his body leaps into action, spurred by the words. He stands up so quickly that black spots float into his vision, but he pushes forwards, walking quickly towards the backrooms.
Mark pulls out his phone, texting someone, but Renjun can’t really pay much attention to see who because of the sheer panic inside him.
He runs towards the bathroom and walks inside, pushing the door open with so much force that it bounces back from where it hits the wall, but Renjun ignores that too, “Jisung?”
Renjun walks towards the farthest stall and opens the door, repeating the same thing with all the stalls until he realizes Jisung isn’t there . Renjun bites his lip, feeling it start to tremble along with the rest of his body, “Jisung?”
Mark moves until he’s right next to Renjun and grabs his hand, “come on, Renjun-ie, he’s not here,” Mark pulls him until they’re both out of the bathroom, “I already texted him and manager-hyung, we’ll find him soon enough.”
Renjun nods but still looks distractedly into every room they pass, hoping to catch a glance of Jisung or the man. If he just manages to spot one or the other, by themselves, that means that everything he’s fearing isn’t becoming a reality right this second. Fuck fuck fuck.
Renjun and Mark walk through the hallways, periodically dialing Jisung’s phone - who isn’t picking up - and calling out.
They reach the end of the hallway, and Renjun’s body is almost vibrating in place when he spots it. His eyes lock with the door- the closed door - and he runs towards the door, feeling possessed.
Mark calls out his name from further down in the hallways, but Renjun is already throwing his weight on the door and opening it. He’s never been more thankful for the lack of locks in the building (“for security”) than now.
Inside, Jisung is sitting on a couch, back ramrod straight and hands demurely placed on his lap. And- and Renjun sees red because the man has his hand resting on Jisung’s thigh and leaning close, and-
Jisung’s eyes are wide open, scared, probably. And they widen even more when he spots Renjun and Mark at the door, taking in the scene.
Mark breaks out of it first, slamming into the room and raising his voice, “what the fuck?! Get your hand off him right now.” The man had already pulled away, and Renjun felt frozen by the door. Useless.
“Hyung…” Jisung is looking directly at Mark, his shoulders relaxing slightly at the sight of his two older members there , stopping whatever could’ve happened.
All Renjun could feel at that moment was the absolute terror he felt when everything was happening to him and how nobody was there to stop the man from taking and taking and taking.
“What’s the meaning of this? We were just having a conversation, right, Jisung?” The man’s voice is silky, with the same manipulative tone their previous manager had, and Renjun feels like he’s going to throw up.
He doesn’t, though, and speaks up, “regardless of whether it was just a conversation, there is no need to touch him like that, at all- ever.” Renjun lifts his chin and looks up at the man in the eye despite feeling his stomach attempt to discard whatever food he had during their lunch break.
The man sighs deeply and looks at Renjun with such contempt that he feels like the man views him as the equivalent of a bug squashed under his shoe. “I was simply giving him some tips about the idol world, him being so young and all, though- you know all about it, don’t you, Renjun?”
Renjun feels his eyes widen in such a way that he’s sure he looks borderline insane, and he feels like it. He feels like any second now his mind will break and never return to what it was. He’s already never going to return to who he was.
The man shoots them all a smile, “good evening, boys. I’ll see you all outside in 30, yeah?” Just like that, he leaves out the door leisurely, like he was never caught with his hand criminally close to a 14-year-old boy’s crotch.
Renjun stares after him for a few seconds, dread growing inside him at realizing that, if the man isn’t at all worried about consequences, it means that he’s done this before. He’s had this fight before and won.
He curls his hands up into fists and turns back around, ignoring Mark’s eyes burning the side of his head with their intensity and walking shakily towards Jisung, “did he do anything?”
Renjun reaches the younger and lifts his shaking hands to cup Jisung’s cheeks when the other shakes his head, “are you sure? You can tell me, you know. You won’t be in trouble, but I really need you to tell me if he did anything to you, okay?”
Jisung looks up into Renjun’s eyes with open, sincere eyes and nods, “he didn’t do anything more than just put his hand...and say some things, but I’m fine.”
Renjun locks eyes with the younger for a few more seconds and when he’s sure, he feels his body sag, the stress he’d been feeling for the past however long making him feel tired and a bit empty in the aftermath.
The stinging in his eyes comes back and Renjun crashes into the younger, hugging him tightly, “I’m glad, Jisung-ie. If anything like this ever happens again, I don’t care if you have to scream- I don’t care if you think you'll be in trouble, but you do your best to get out of that situation, okay? You do whatever you can, promise me.”
Jisung’s body stiffens a bit at the emotion in Renjun’s voice but he nods, resolute, “okay. I will, hyung.”
A while later, they make their way out of the little room and back to work. The rest of the evening passes in a blur of anxiety and dissociation from Renjun’s part, but he does his best to smile and look pretty.
Nothing can be wrong if he’s smiling and looking pretty.
That night, when they’re driven home by their manager, Renjun does his best to escape towards his room, but Mark, who’s staying with them while they promote, holds his arm, keeping him in place. Renjun breathes through the panic in his chest at being held like that and smiles up at the older, “yes?”
Mark flicks his head towards the kitchen and closes the door behind them, locking the kitchen door behind him and leaning against the door. Renjun tries to pretend that being trapped isn’t doing weird things to his brain.
“How…” Mark runs a hand through his hair, crunchy from the product, and sighs loudly, “how did you know?”
Renjun tilts his head to the side and looks at their leader, noticing that he looks weirdly pale and exhausted. Belatedly, Renjun realizes that the panic Renjun was feeling, Mark was most likely feeling it too.
“I just...I just had a weird feeling,” Renjun shrugs, not sure how to explain without incriminating himself, “that man was giving me creepy vibes and I just saw him looking at Jisung, so…”
Mark nods, rubs a hand down his face, and looks everywhere except directly at Renjun, “I just thought...the man said you knew- he, like, insinuated, and-”
Listening to Mark, Renjun feels unbearably tired, and he doesn’t know why he does it, but the next second, he opens his mouth and says, “I know what he was insinuating, Mark.”
Mark’s eyes widen comically and he finally looks back towards Renjun, who shrugs again, “he’s not wrong.”
The silence surrounding them becomes deadly and Renjun can feel his eyes burning with tears and something inside his throat is clogging up, but he chuckles, “guess it’s fine, though, since the trauma gave me a nice spidey sense, right?”
The silence after his joke is even worse, the words falling flat and too heavy on the atmosphere. Renjun feels trapped, and he wishes that Mark wasn’t still leaning against the door.
“Ren-Renjun?”
Renjun looks back at Mark and smiles widely. Smile and look pretty and nothing can be wrong.
“It was years ago, Mark,” Renjun lies. “I barely think about it nowadays unless something like this happens, and- and I’m glad it did because we could get Jisung out of that whole situation, so it’s fine.”
“I’ll probably stop thinking about it after today, to be honest.”
“I’ve learned to cope with it, it’s just- it stays sometimes, but-but that’s normal, so-”
Renjun spews every comforting word he can think of in that second, cursing himself for whatever the fuck he was trying to do with that shitty joke. What was he expecting Mark to do? Laugh?
Renjun ignores the little part of his brain that whispers ‘yes’ as an answer to that question and crosses his arms tighter, looking at Mark and waiting for some kind of response.
“When-when was this?” Mark’s voice is shaky and Renjun can see the shininess of his eyes that hints at tears and curses himself again.
“It was years ago, Mark.”
“In-In China?” Mark’s voice holds a quality of hopefulness that has Renjun confused for a split second before everything clicks into place and he realizes what this is.
If it happened away from Mark, before they met, then Mark has no responsibility. He won’t consider it his fault.
And, Renjun knows that either way it wouldn’t be Mark’s fault, but he really doesn’t have the energy to have that conversation right now, so he just nods, “yeah, in China.”
Mark exhales a little breath and stands up straighter, “okay, do your parents know?”
Renjun bites his lip, choking back the anger rising inside him. So it was in China, therefore not Mark’s fault but his parents’ fault? Is that it?
“Yes, Mark. They know,” Renjun huffs loudly and walks purposefully forwards, stopping right in front of Mark, “took me to therapy and everything, so I’m fine.” Renjun smiles up at Mark as realistically as he can, “now- let me out of here so I can go shower and forget today forever, thanks.”
Renjun leaves the kitchen and goes to take a shower. He does his best to ignore how he feels just as dirty as he did before going into the shower when he leaves it.
He ignores how everything he said in that conversation was a lie. Keeps silent just like Renjun knows the man liked him to be. Funny how Renjun still does whatever the man wants even when he’s not there.
()()()()()
After that conversation, there was a while where Mark always tried to talk to him about the same thing.
Every time the other approached Renjun, the topic would come up one way or another. Renjun is sure that the other had no idea of the consequences of his actions because Renjun knows that out of all the things Mark Lee is, malicious is not one of them.
It got to the point that, whenever Renjun spotted Mark in his near vicinity, he would feel his fight or flight reaction aching to have him do something. His body was confused between running away and never looking back to punching Mark until Renjun got his point across.
One night, Mark and Renjun had a joint schedule, and Mark, of course, brought the topic up again. And Renjun, he is many things, including malicious.
“Do you want me to bend over for you, Mark?” The words leave Renjun’s mouth before he can really think about them, but once they’re out, the nasty satisfaction at seeing Mark’s disturbed face is enough to keep him from regretting them.
“Wh-what?”
“I’m just wondering, Mark,” Renjun smiles at his hyung and crowds closer until the other is leaning back against the waiting room couch, “is that why you’re bringing it up so much, huh? Do you want me to bend over for you too? Want to choke me out while you use me, hm? Is that it?”
Renjun revels with satisfaction as the other’s face pales with shock, “no! Renjun- god, no. I was just- I just want to know-”
Renjun hums and gets even closer, cutting Mark off before he can start to ramble, “ah, so you’re just satisfying your little curiosity, is that is?” Renjun pouts a little, a mockery of Mark’s innocence, and then laughs, “you can google all the shit you want, Mark, you can even find all the rape porn you want on the internet to satisfy your morbid curiosity, okay? Stop asking me about it and bringing it up, you’re pissing me off.”
Renjun ignores how that’s the first time that he’s acknowledged whatever happened to him as rape , and instead focuses on Mark’s reaction to his words. The other’s eyes are shiny, the light reflecting against them, and Renjun feels a pang in his chest. He leans back, away from the older, but doesn’t apologize. He meant every word he said.
They stay silent for the rest of their photoshoot, doing everything they’re supposed to in uncharacteristic silence.
Later, when they’re on their way home, Mark leans close until his lips are almost touching Renjun’s ears, and whispers, “I’m sorry. I’ll stop bringing it up.”
Renjun feels something in his chest loosen a little and he nods, looking Mark in the eyes and finding nothing but sincerity.
Walking on the ceiling
Gettin’ used to never feeling
You’re still having fun, huh?
And I don’t trust no one
Renjun didn’t stop having sex after the whole incident. On the contrary, Renjun really liked - likes - proving to himself that he can have sex. He can go, do everything, and be completely unbothered after. No breakdowns, no nothing.
When Renjun was younger, back in China, he always read romance novels and saw cute movies, where the character’s first times were special and always with someone they loved. Renjun, despite knowing it was stupid, really hoped for his first time to be the same.
He always dreamed of having a pretty girlfriend, taking her on dates, then, at some point, having sex with her. Maybe she wouldn’t be his real true love for life, but they would be in love.
Obviously, that never happened, as Renjun lost his virginity in the backseat of their first manager’s van.
Then, after that, since his little romantic dreams were killed, Renjun decided to do whatever the fuck he wanted. During one awards show NCT as a whole went to, Renjun slipped his number to a pretty girl and miraculously got a message.
They talked for a while, and, after a few private dates with each other, she invited him back to her dorm and they had sex. Renjun was kind of scared, terrified of freaking out on her, but he ended up being just fine.
The sensations and situation were different enough that Renjun didn’t immediately think of the man whenever they kissed or did anything. And when they did, like when she pulled his hair or held him down, he would do his best to shut off his brain for a few minutes until she finished. As long as he didn’t think about it , about what had happened and what was happening, everything was fine.
After a few months of that, they break up, and Renjun cries. They decide to end on good terms, however, since neither of them could really keep up with both the demands of a relationship and the demands of their job.
After that, Renjun has a few girlfriends here and there. Not all of them have sex, but when they do, Renjun makes sure to make it as enjoyable as he can for them. At least he can do something that was never done for him, right.
Sometime after that, sometime before Ridin’ promotions start, a man from another group sends Renjun a message, and, admittedly, this one was scarier. Renjun had never considered the possibility of him actually liking a man, and the thought of liking men because of what happened fucked him up real bad for a while.
However, Renjun still went with it and agreed to go out with the man. Which, for something so taboo, was admittedly way easier to hide than the relationship he had with his ex-girlfriend. If he was caught hanging out with his boyfriend, all fansites would think was that he’s made a new friend.
They hang out a few times, and Renjun invites him over to his dorm.
All Jeno does is smile amicably when Renjun introduces him and to his boyfriend, and Renjun thanks all the gods he knows of for Jeno.
Jaemin and Jisung are basically the same, but the judge-y vibes Renjun gets from them are a bit more pronounced. They’d talked about it before Renjun had agreed to bring his boyfriend back to the dorms, though, and he knows the weird vibes are more of a general thing than a homophobic thing. At least according to them.
They hang out in the living room for a bit, playing video games and whatever before Renjun asks the other if he wants to come to his room with him for a bit, and the other three make not-so-subtle moves towards the front door.
“So…” Renjun bites his lip and pushes his boyfriend until the other is sitting on the edge of the bed, and Renjun accommodates himself until he’s straddling the other.
They stare at each other for a few seconds before they crash their lips together, and the other’s hands find purchase on Renjun’s ass.
Renjun pushes away the thoughts of hurting hands and bruises and teeth-
He whines and grinds down against the other, and everything is fine. But then, the other flips them until Renjun is trapped between the other’s bigger body and the mattress, and the other keeps kissing him, and Renjun can’t help the thoughts from taking over.
Flashbacks of those nights, where every part of his body hurt from the manager’s blunt force against his body resurface and Renjun feels trapped with no way out.
His boyfriend- the manager starts kissing down Renjun’s neck, and Renjun stares up at the ceiling resolutely.
“Here,” the other put his hands on Renjun’s waist and pulls until Renjun is flipped and face-first on the bed, “this will make it more comfortable.”
And, Renjun- Renjun has sex again. This type of sex again.
It was okay. Renjun didn’t make a lot of sound during the entire ordeal, any sound from his mouth reminding him of his loud screams that nobody ever heard from the last time- but he enjoyed it. The other was good at what he was doing, and by the time the other came into the condom, Renjun was close enough that with a few pumps of his cock, he came.
Right after, while they’re cuddling, his boyfriend makes eye contact, “was that okay? You were really quiet?”
Renjun stiffened a bit, knowing why he couldn’t bring himself to make any noise, but did his best to smile and nod, “yeah, it was really good. I’m just a bit quiet, sorry.”
His boyfriend pursed his lips a bit before looking up shyly, “yeah, I get that, but...think you could try to make some sounds next time? It was kind of weird.”
Renjun feels his chest tighten and he lays his head back on his boyfriend’s chest, blinking quickly to try and keep the tears at bay, “yeah, okay.”
The next few times they have sex, Renjun always makes noises. He does his best to moan at nice things the other does, and whenever memories of that time resurface, he does his best to hide the fact that he’s on the verge of a breakdown. Breakdowns aren’t sexy. Breakdowns aren’t pretty.
And, relationships are supposed to be give and take. If his boyfriend wants him to make sounds during sex, the least he can do is try. His boyfriend shouldn’t have to care about Renjun’s shitty sex trauma, Renjun can deal with that on his own.
And, if his way of dealing with it on his own is crying a little when everything gets too much, that’s nobody’s business but his own.
Although, apparently not.
“Hey...why do you cry during sex?”
“I’m- it’s good, I guess. You make me feel really good sometimes, haha.”
“Ah, that’s good to know, I guess? It’s just- it kinda turns me off, honestly.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, then? I’ll try to stop that.”
“Ok, thanks! It’s just kinda weird.”
Weird, weird, weird, weird.
It’s just kind of weird.
I won’t keep your secrets now
You can’t keep my volume down
A few days after that, Renjun is hanging out with Ten a few days before NCT2020’s first promotions are supposed to air, and the other asks him about his boyfriend. Renjun shrugs and looks down. He really doesn’t want to think about it, honestly.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Why’re you all pouty?” Ten’s voice is teasing and his mouth is curled into a smile at Renjun’s face, but after a few seconds, his teasing demeanor disappears, “Renjun, for real, you can tell me anything, you know?”
Renjun looks at Ten and bites his lip before shrugging, “I just think...I think I should break up with him.”
“What? Why?” Ten moves until he’s sitting cross-legged right in front of Renjun and puts his hands between them with his palms up. An invitation.
Renjun shrugs again and lets his hands fall until they’re on top of Ten’s, “I just...I feel- I feel too uncomfortable with him.”
Ten makes a humming sound and tightens his hands encouragingly around Renjun’s, “uncomfortable in what way? Like, during dates or something?”
Renjun struggles a bit to answer that, hesitating on his answer. He’s never talked about sex with anyone before, but then again, this is Ten. Ten would never make fun of him for things like this. Not during the actual conversation, at least.
He shakes his head and squeezes back at Ten’s hands, “during sex.”
The silence after his admission feels heavy, and Renjun already feels dumb for admitting it.
“Does he...Has he done something to you?” Ten’s words are carefully worded, but Renjun understands exactly what the other means.
“No, he just...he deserves better than what I can give him, you know?” Renjun purses his lips again and bites his tongue, hoping that Ten will agree with him and let this conversation go. Of course, that doesn’t happen.
“No, I don’t know what you mean. Can you explain it to me?” Renjun looks up with a glare at Ten’s clipped tone, annoyed.
“It’s just what I said, I can’t give him what he wants.”
“And what does he want?” Ten’s voice goes a bit softer, but the tenseness is still there in his voice, which sets Renjun a bit on edge if he’s being honest.
“I- He just- He just wants me to act a certain way during sex, and I can , but it makes me really, really uncomfortable? Like, I thought I could deal with it, but- but I kind of had a panic attack over it? And- and I kinda wanna break up with him because I don’t want to do this anymore. Is that bad?” Renjun squeezes Ten’s hands tightly and blinks until the tears in his eyes go away because he is not going to cry over this again, okay? He’s not.
“Renjun, sex is something you’re supposed to enjoy. If- If it’s making you feel like this, then it means it’s not healthy,” Ten leans down until he can make eye contact with Renjun again, and his eyes are so earnest and worried that Renjun feels the tears spring right back to his eyes.
“I just wanted to make it good for him,” Renjun mutters, sniffing a bit when his nose runs a little. The tears are threatening to spill over any second now too.
“And that’s good and all, baby, but if him feeling good comes at the expense of your pleasure and enjoyment then it’s not a fair trade,” Ten smiles again, comfortably and kind, “sex goes both ways, it’s not just giving.”
“It just- it didn’t seem like a bad idea at first, you know? He just said that I was too quiet, so I tried to be a little more expressive, you know? But- But i really don’t like being too noisy, so I kind of- I kind of cried a lot during sex? I mean, it was a little, but I cried almost every time? And he said that it turned him off, and- and it just feels like no matter what I do to fix it, it always just gets worse and worse,” Renjun shakes his head, ashamed at admitting everything, and the tears running down his face, probably making him look ugly and splotchy. He lifts his hands up from Ten’s grip to run his fingers under his eyes to wipe away his tears, and a sob makes its way up from his chest. He’s really fucking sad.
Renjun takes Ten’s silence as a sign to keep talking, and the words just tumble out of him without end, “like, I understand asking me to be a bit more expressive because it was like- unnerving or whatever, but being loud just makes me- I reminds me, like- just, it makes me uncomfortable, so every time I tried I would cry, and like, whatever, it’s fine, right? Crying is normal during sex, I think. But he said it turned him off, and that it was, like, weird? And I really don’t know how to do what he’s asking of me ‘cuz it’s not like I can program this shit into myself, you know?”
Renjun wipes at his cheeks again and runs a hand through his hair, feeling stressed.
“Renjun,” Ten starts, and oh, his voice is serious, “um, first of all, you really should break up with him, but not at all for the reasons you think.”
Ten takes Renjun’s hands back into his own gently, “all of this, it sounds like you guys aren’t really communicating properly? And, for sex to be good, communication is a big part of it. And I don’t mean communicating like he’s done, where he makes you insecure about some aspect of yourself for you to change it, I mean- I mean actually talking about what you like and limits and things like that, okay?
“He can’t just do that and think it’s perfectly okay. Just, like, have you even enjoyed the sex you’ve had with him?” Ten’s eyes are wide, and the hard set of his mouth makes him look adult and angry. Renjun feels a little intimidated.
“Yeah! It’s not like I haven’t enjoyed it, ‘cus it’s not like it’s hurt or anything, it’s just- I get a little overwhelmed sometimes, and-”
“Renjun, just because it didn’t hurt doesn’t mean it was good. Just because you had sex and maybe got an orgasm out of it doesn’t mean you actually enjoyed it. God,” Ten closes his eyes, exasperated, and Renjun feels his heart clench a little bit.
Renjun pulls his hands away from Ten towards himself, feeling a bit dumb after everything, “I’m sorry?”
Ten’s eyes snap open, and Renjun watches as he scrambles a bit, “no! No, you’re not apologizing. I’m sorry for acting like that, I’m just- I’m just really sad and angry that someone would treat you like that and you can’t recognize it for what it is, like-”
“For what it is? What?”
“He’s just being the biggest asshole to you that he can be. He’s manipulating you and making you insecure. He’s probably aware that you cry because you’re uncomfortable, not because of anything else, and he still has the balls- fuck.”
Renjun feels his eyes widen at the other’s mood and scrambles to explain, “no, no, it’s fine, really. I’ve never said that any of it made me uncomfortable, so he couldn’t have known, okay? It’s my fault for not really communicating, and-”
“It’s not, though, Renjun. When you’re having sex, one of the responsibilities you have is to make sure that your partner is comfortable. You have to make sure that your partner is consenting to everything you’re doing and asking for, and if you’re not sure of how they feel, you fucking ask them.” Ten rants, eyebrows furrowing in annoyance and worry. Renjun feels fucking dumb.
Renjun looks down at their joined hands and nods to everything Ten says, feeling like a kid getting a lecture from a parent. He was just doing what he thought he had to do? He didn’t know it was wrong. His only experience before that with a man was with the manager , and that had been so far from what his boyfriend and him had been doing. Renjun just thought it was like that. It’s always been like that. This time, it was just a little bit worse.
Everything has been going a little bit worse lately.
At some point, Ten stops talking, probably realizing that Renjun checked out of their conversation a little while ago. They both just sit there, Renjun with tears running down his cheeks, and Ten pensive right in front of him.
Renjun takes a deep breath and wonders if what he’s about to say is a good idea. Wonders if this is the moment he says it, it leaks, and he dies.
“I think...I think I just rushed to have sex with him and I wasn’t ready,” Renjun looks away from Ten and stares at some point on the wall right next to Ten’s ear, “I think I wasn’t ready to have sex with a man again yet but I forced it and it didn’t work out.”
As soon as the words leave his mouth, Renjun feels his chest tightening in a vice. His heart beats much much faster than it should, but he just stays there. Renjun wills his body not to tense or run away. He said it, he knew he was going to say it. It’s not a big deal if he doesn’t want it to be.
Ten’s silence says a million things, but Ten throws back the obvious question, “what do you mean you weren’t- again?”
“Mhm.”
“You’ve had a boyfriend before?”
“No.”
“Then…”
Renjun straightens out his back until an audible crack is heard from his bones and he relaxes back again, “I mean I’ve had sex with a man before, and I wasn’t ready to do it again with my boyfriend.”
“Did- did this other man...hurt you?” Renjun still avoids looking directly at Ten’s face, but just from the tone of voice from the other man, Renjun can imagine his face, and he hates it.
“Yeah.”
The silence clings around them like a heavy cloak, and Renjun finally musters enough strength to look up at Ten. The other’s eyebrows are still furrowed, and his mouth is pulled into a frown, uncharacteristic of the other, and Renjun feels like an asshole.
“It was, like- three years ago? I thought I was ready.”
Ten’s eyes fill with tears, and next thing Renjun knows, the other is moving forwards and wrapping his arms around Renjun in a hug, “oh my god.”
The other sniffs a little and Renjun moves his hand to wrap them around Ten, “it’s okay.”
“I can’t believe you just told me that and I’m the once crying, holy fuck, wait- let me get my shit together.”
Despite everything, Renjun lets out a little chuckle and shrugs again, “it’s okay, Ten.”
“Is it? Are you okay?” Ten’s voice goes light and whispery and Renjun shudders a little, knowing the other one was asking for real.
“Not really.”
“Of course, um- is this what you meant when you said he makes you uncomfortable? About being quiet and all that- is this a bad question? I’m sorry-”
“That’s- yeah, that’s what made me uncomfortable, cuz- um,” Renjun takes a shuddering breath and tries to keep going, “whenever I was with that man- before -he would make sure that I had to make noise, you know? He always hurt me until I had to scream because it hurt too much, or he would make me yell out for help, but nobody would come, and- and making noises during sex reminds me of that? It- it’s really painful sometimes.”
“Renjun...what...have-have you talked to anyone about this before?”
“I guess Mark knows? Though he thinks it was back in China and that my parents know. And, like, my old therapist? But I never told her who it was, or when and how it happened, ‘cuz if it got out into the public, or if she reported it to the company or my parents...I- well, I told myself that if anyone found out, I would kill myself.”
Right after the words leave his mouth, he can feel Ten’s body tense and knows immediately what he’s thinking.
“Are you still-”
“I don’t know.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah.”
They sit like that, hugging each other for a bit longer, and at some point, Ten tugs until they’re both laying on their sides on the bed.
“Do you wanna talk more about it?” Ten’s voice is soft and sort of airy, and Renjun barely thinks about it before he nods.
“Sure.”
A few more minutes of silence happen, and Renjun bites his lip, wondering how he can talk about this. He’s never had to before.
“I guess...I guess he kind of liked me a lot?” Renjun feels the lie in the words as soon as he says them and backtracks, “he liked that I was small. He liked that I always did what he said and was terrified of failing, he held my career over me like a guillotine he could snap closed any second. I was terrified of him.”
Ten stays quiet right beside him, breathing into the slightly darkening room and pressing his body against Renjun’s reassuringly.
“He...he kind of followed me a lot? He liked that I was scared of him, so he always made sure to be in my line of sight, you know? He, um- he really liked those mind games.” Renjun chuckles a little, wondering if he’ll have nightmares during the night when he tries to sleep.
Probably.
“He really liked making me scream out for help when he was...yeah, and reminding me that nobody would ever come save me from him,” Renjun sniffs and ignores the tears running down his face. He’s feeling nauseous too, and it sucks. “He liked reminding me that, even if people found out, they wouldn’t do anything because I’m just another idol, and he had all the power, and I have no evidence.”
Renjun stops talking, swallowing the nausea down, hoping he wouldn’t actually throw up from this.
They stay in silence for a while longer, but Renjun isn’t anxious anymore. If it goes well, he will have told someone and lived through it, if it goes to shit, he can just kill himself later tonight and nothing will ever happen to him again.
Ten’s hands wrap around him tighter, and Renjun reciprocates, holding the other just as tightly.
“So he was from the company?”
“Yeah.”
“One of the shareholders or something?”
“No.”
“Then…”
“A manager.”
“Your managers used to live with you guys during that time, Renjun-ie.”
“Yeah, he did.”
Ten lets out a sob and clings even harder to Renjun, tucking his head under Ten’s chin, “oh my god, baby, I’m so sorry.”
They talk a bit more throughout the night, but Renjun doesn’t admit to anything else.
A week later, Renjun does end up breaking up with his boyfriend.
Now, as their old manager comes to pick them up from their dorm again, Renjun wishes he had told Ten the name and let him reign hell upon the higher-ups.
I’m a buzzkill
Gonna kill your high ‘cause I’m pissed off
I think you know why, and you’re scared now
‘Cause receipts don’t lie
Ever since you, every since you
Fucked up, haven’t made a sound
Got me upset now I’m getting loud
Better watch me burn this whole place down
Ever since you, ever since you
Renjun watches as their manager, Daeseong-hyung , makes his way towards him with a smile. The older man has been getting handsy, and Renjun has started to spend most of his nights awake, crying in bed, wondering if the other will take advantage now that they all have their own bedrooms.
Renjun’s under eyes haven’t felt this heavy since the moment when everything the man had done to him first started.
Renjun’s tether has been running short, and Renjun isn’t known for being the patient one in any NCT grouping, so he’s really, really hanging on by a thread.
When Daeseong walks over and sits right next to Renjun, and his hand lands “casually” on Renjun’s thigh, he sort of snaps, “Mark-hyung!”
Mark, who was sitting on the other side of the waiting room, texting or whatever, looked up towards Renjung, “Huh?”
And Renjun, with all the desperation of a dying man on the verge of his last adrenaline spike, calls out loudly, “Daeseong-hyung keeps putting his hand on my thigh and harassing me in the workplace, it’s making me uncomfortable.”
The silence that rings around them is deafening, and Jaemin and Jeno’s V Live gets turned off immediately by another one of their managers, and all hell reigns loose.
Daeseong stands up abruptly from Renjun’s side, face contorted in rage, and Renjun- Renjun has a suicide note written inside his favorite book in his dorm room explaining everything. If this man decided to kill him, he wouldn’t get out scot-free.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?! Thousands of fans just fucking heard you spew out lies-”
“But your hand was on my thigh, hyung,” Renjun smiles sweetly at the other man, “in fact, your hand’s been on my thigh more times than it’s been by itself these past few weeks, literally anyone can confirm.”
Renjun looks at Daeseong in the eyes and ignores the way that his whole body is shaking. He ignores how with every passing second, his mind feels more and more unhinged. Renjun feels like he’s about to kill a man and nobody knows which one.
“This is a highly inappropriate accusation, Renjun,” Daeseong’s voice is gravely, and Renjun feels nothing but amusement and pure, undiluted terror coursing through him.
“True, true, but tell me? Is it more or less inappropriate than me telling everyone in this fucking room how you’ve been harassing me since I was 17? How about I tell them all the times you dragged me out to the work van and fucked me? Huh? Is that more fucking appropriate for you?” Renjun laughs and can feel tears running down his face, his makeup probably smearing all the way down too.
The silence in the room is deafening, and Renjun would love to look at other people’s reactions but he can’t. Daeseong’s eyes are wide and Renjun feels trapped.
“You remember that, right? All the times you held me down, kicking and screaming at you to stop while you pushed inside me and made me bleed, you remember it, right?” Renjun feels a sob build up in his chest and he can’t hold it back, his chest feels tight, and breathing is hard, but he can’t stop.
“All the times you told me to scream and call for help, and told me how nobody cared about me enough to come to check why I was screaming. Told me how, if I didn’t stop struggling and fighting, you would tell the higher-ups that I was misbehaving too much, that I was being a bad person. All the fucking times you reminded me that if I even dared of telling anyone , you would make sure my career was over in a flash and how nobody would even question it.”
Renjun stomps his foot on the ground and wipes roughly under his eyes, fruitlessly trying to wipe the tears away. “So I’m sorry if me telling people you touching my thigh makes me uncomfortable, okay? But I think it’s well deserved, don’t you think? Losing my virginity in the back of the work van that I had to keep seating in with the members wasn’t comfortable for me either, you know? Or did you think it was fucking fun for me?”
At the end of his spiel, Renjun is shouting, and he knows that everyone on set can hear him but he can’t bring himself to care. He just wants them to know what a fucking disgusting person this man is and how much Renjun hated him. He wants Daeseong to die.
He wants Daeseong to want to kill himself as much as Renjun has been wanting to all these years. He wants the man to suffer.
Right as Renjun looks away from the manager and starts looking at everyone around him, a fist comes flying towards him at lightning speed. Daeseong hits his cheek, and Renjun falls to the floor. Everything is over in seconds but feels like a million hours as it happens.
Renjun’s brain does something, and as soon as he falls on the ground, with Daeseong on top of him, it feels like that very first night. It feels like the very first night when Daeseong had pinned him down on the backseat of the van, and hit his head until he was so dizzy that he couldn’t fight back.
The memory makes something in Renjun’s brain separate from inside him, and he screams. Renjun curls up on his side and screams, rage filling him up in such a way that he wants to kill. He wants to see the other man bleeding on the floor with all of his guts spilling on the floor.
Renjun kicks out until the other man is away from him, laid out on the floor right next to him and Renjun pounces.
“YOU’VE MADE ME MORE MISERABLE THAN ANYONE HAS EVER MANAGED TO MAKE ME IN MY LIFE, YOU MOTHERFUCKER. I WAS GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME. I WAS GOING TO SLIT MY WRISTS AND MY THROAT AND MY FUCKING STOMACH AND I WAS GOING TO BLEED OUT AND I WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING YOU DID TO ME AND I WOULD BE DEAD.”
Renjun kneels on the floor and on the man’s stomach and curls his hands until he can fucking drag his nails down the other’s face and he digs. He’s still screaming, and he can’t fucking stop.
“YOU FUCKING RAPED ME, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU RUINED MY LIFE FROM THE TIME YOU CAME INTO IT AND RAPED ME- EVEN BEFORE, WHEN YOU FUCKING HARASSED ME-” Renjun’s voice wavers as someone’s arms wrap around him and drag him away from Daeseong who’s still on the ground and very much alive.
Renjun sobs loudly and struggles against the person’s arms, scratching at them, fucking hoping , but they don’t let him go and Renjun feels his body fill up with rage all over again and he screams. Renjun screams even louder and tries to throw his body in the manager’s direction, who’s being helped to his feet by someone. Renjun wants them to die too.
“You fucking left , YOU HAD FINALLY FUCKING LEFT BUT NOW YOU’RE BACK. YOU’RE BACK AND EVERY DAY YOU SMILE AT ME AND YOU GRAB MY THIGH AND MY ARM AND MY WAIST, AND YOU FUCKING TALK TO ME AS IF YOU WEREN’T THE MONSTER THAT TURNED ME INTO THE FUCKING MESS THAT I AM NOW. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I hate you so fucking much,” Renjun can’t hold back the loud cries anymore, and he crumples like a doll on the ground, his limbs giving up on him after fighting the person behind him. He wants to go to sleep and never wake up.
The person behind him crumples to the floor right along with him and tightens their arms around Renjun. Renjun realizes that the arms are definitely Jeno’s, but he can’t bring himself to say anything.
He’s still crying on the ground, and Daeseong is now standing up, face blank and unreadable as he stares down at Renjun.
Renjun starts trembling harder and hyperventilating as the other walks closer and closer to him, crouching in front of him, “you’re aware that you’ve just ruined your career, right, Renjun?”
The words feel like a thousand bricks hitting right on his temples and the headache that opens inside him splits his head open in two. He cries and gasps and lifts a hand to touch his chest because his heart is beating wrong , and Renjun feels like he’s about to die any minute now, and he doesn’t know what to do. This is what he wanted, but not like this. He wanted to do it himself. Renjun wanted the last bit of power over Daeseong, and he’s not even getting that.
Renjun’s breathing becomes even more erratic, and he falls limp on the floor, trying to catch his breath and failing as his body refuses to take in air.
The arms around him disappear, leaving him choking and cold, and Renjun starts crying again, although he feels like he never stopped. At some point, the lack of air and the panic is too much and Renjun closes his eyes in a blink, and then doesn’t open them again.
The sudden silence has everyone in the room panicking.
()()()()()
Renjun wakes up slowly. His eyes feel heavy, burning behind his eyelids from sensitivity and dryness.
When he finally manages to open his eyes entirely, Renjun blanks out for a second in confusion before realizing that he’s in a hospital.
“Renjun-ie?” The voice beside him startles him so bad that he jumps, and feels his movement restrained. With a slight glance down, Renjun realizes that someone’s hand is holding tightly onto his own, and he looks up.
Mark is there with his hand holding onto Renjun’s, and they stare at each other for a few seconds before Renjun attempts a smile, “hey.” His voice is raspy and crackling from the screaming he did, and he purses his lips, remembering everything that happened.
“Hey, Renjun-ie, good to see you awake.”
“How long was I out?” Renjun winces a bit at the dryness in his throat which prompts Mark to get up slightly and grab a little water bottle from the table and uncap it, holding the little straw out to Renjun.
Renjun takes a careful drink as Mark answers, “a couple of hours, but that was mostly because they sedated you when you woke up the first time.”
That makes him pause for a bit, looking through his memories to try and see if he remembers waking up before but he doesn’t, “huh?”
“Yeah,” Mark chuckles, albeit a bit drily, “you woke up and started panicking again so they had to sedate you.”
Makes sense.
“What- what’s going to happen?” Renjun can feel the dread and panic coil up around him like a vice again, and purses his lip, trying to hide it. He can’t go around panicking every time he wakes up.
Mark sends him a look like he knows that Renjun is trying to hide from him but he sighs and relents, “the company is filing a statement to explain how they will investigate the serious allegations, since the first statement they released, saying how everything was a poorly timed joke, pissed off a lot of people.”
“Am I gonna get fired?” Renjun can’t get the words, ‘you’ve ruined your career’ out of his brain; they haunt him.
Mark grabs Renjun’s hand again and shakes his head, seriousness showing through his every pore, “they can’t. You talked to the public about how a member of their staff was harassing you, if they fire you right after that, everyone will think it’s the company abusing their employees, which they would be, so, therefore, they can’t fire you.”
The words make sense, but Renjun isn’t sure he can believe them. He decides to drop it for now.
“Why am I here, though?” Renjun can assume it’s probably because he passed out, or maybe the panic attack, but- members have done the same thing and have never been taken to the hospital.
“Renjun,” Mark waits until Renjun makes eye contact with him again to continue, “you had a meltdown earlier today and it was really scary. You were screaming really loud and panicking and talking about how you were going to kill yourself and how you wanted to kill Dae- that man, which I don’t blame you for. But…” Mark moves his free hand and runs his fingers through Renjun’s product-greasy hair, “it was really scary, I’d never seen someone break down like that.”
“Ah,” Renjun licks his lips nervously and looks away from Mark. Okay, so he’s in the hospital for however long because of a meltdown. Okay. Nice.
Mark chuckles a bit, “yes, you’re in the mental health wing right now, that’s why I’m the only one here since mental health patients are only allowed one visitor at a time.”
Okay, that makes sense. Renjun nods, “okay.”
They sit in silence for a while longer before Renjun can’t hold back anymore and asks, “what’s going to happen with Daeseong?”
Mark startles a bit at the mention of the name but he does a good enough job at hiding it, considering he’s Mark. “The company is going to investigate the claims- well, the ones we got from you during everything -but he’s definitely not going to be working with us anymore since most of us can be witness to him touching you and some of us inappropriately.”
Renjun feels his heart beat a bit faster, “who else?”
“What?”
“Who else has he touched inappropriately?” Renjun will forget how to breathe real soon if Mark Lee doesn’t answer him right now.
Mark looks a bit panicked, but he just tightens his hand on Renjun’s and answers, “just Jeno and Jaemin, Jisung, the usual dream members at the dorm, they admitted that the man has felt them up before.”
“Only like, felt them up not...anything else?”
Mark’s eyes widen and he shakes his head so fast that his glasses end up a little screwed up on his face, “no, no. They said that he hadn’t touched any of them like that, but the other way, yes. Which isn't any solid proof, but more than one claim helps solidify it a bit to the authorities.”
Renjun feels his body freeze, “the authorities?”
Mark’s face sobers up in an instant and he sits up straight, looking at Renjun with sober eyes, “yes, this is...this is a serious accusation of sexual assault that a lot of people were privy to. You had a nervous breakdown around the man, and a lot of people witnessed him going to talk directly to you during a lot of moments where that shouldn't have been the case, or it wasn’t necessary, etc. Not to mention all the CCTV there should be of him just- you know, there’s evidence to be found, nobody had ever known to look before.”
Renjun feels his lower lip start to tremble a little and tries to fight the tears in his eyes to no avail, “so he could go to jail?”
Mark nods seriously and Renjun only has a split second before anxiety courses right through him and he lays on his side, sobs falling from his lips at the thought. He’s happy, but his body isn’t aware of it.
Mark’s hand on his hair doesn’t leave, and Renjun is aware of the other hitting the red button on his bedside to call a nurse, but he can’t bring himself to say anything.
A few seconds later, Renjun spots someone enter the room, and before he can gather his thoughts, a sharp pinch on his arm makes him fade out until everything is black again.
()()()()()
The next time Renjun wakes up, his mom is at his bedside instead of Mark, and they both cry. Renjun hasn’t said anything to her about what happened, but he’s sure that someone must have from the way she was crying.
They hug each other for a long while until a nurse comes in to say that visiting hours are over and that visitors can come back the next day at 8am.
Renjun spends ten days in the hospital, and as soon as he’s out, his mom rides a cab with him to the dorms. There, he takes a nap that ends up being 15 hours long, and then, they go to the company.
At the company, the lawyers, security, cops, etc. are all gathered in a conference room to look at Renjun in his hoodie, sweatpants, and greasy hair combo.
At one point, everyone except the cops leaves the room, and they ask him questions about what happened and everything that’s been going on, and Renjun spends almost two hours retelling his story only for them to ask if he kept evidence and then say that the chances of going to court are low when he says no.
Renjun feels tears fall as the men stand up to let the rest know that they can come back in, and Renjun has to press his shaking hands to his face just to hide for a quick second. He needs a few long breathers.
Renjun’s mom comes in and sits right next to Renjun and puts a heavy arm around him, he feels much more secure.
Renjun checks out some time throughout the meeting, but he still winces every time the words “sexual assault allegations” are thrown out. He feels dirtier every time the words are spoken.
At the end of the meeting, a lawyer comes and sits down right in front of Renjun and his mother, and smiles.
“With the evidence we have, we might not get to push for jail time, but we can get a pretty good restraining order, plus the company will do everything in its power to blacklist him and ask around other companies he’s worked at for information.” The man stands up and holds out his hand for Renjun’s mom to shake, “I’ll keep in touch.”
And just like that, he takes his leave.
()()()()()
Renjun has to go to therapy and gets diagnosed with some hefty PTSD deal.
His therapist this time is also nice and lets him take little canvases to paint on while they have their session. She joins too, sometimes, when they have extra. It’s pretty fun as long as he’s not talking about his trauma. Which, since it’s the point of him going to therapy, is kind of almost never, but still.
The public is still going wild over the moment Renjun said those words. Those last words of Jeno’s deleted V live immortalized forever on Twitter and YouTube.
People are finding new clips of their managers holding them around their waists or arms or whatever, and making abuse allegation videos, which is pretty irritating. But still, better that than the crowd not believing and shunning Renjun.
Daeseong is fired from the company, along with a few restrictions and scorches on his resume.
Renjun feels so satisfied that he smiles.
Serves that motherfucker right.
E N D