I think about you all the time

"Kyo hasn't heard from her again since.
And that's right. It's the way things are supposed to be."
A post-canon AU in which Kyo never redeemed himself after the confession scene.
(FUTURE TWs: suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety...nothing that isn't typical for Furuba anyway)

Notes:

I've been working on this on and off since late 2020, and even though I really like it, I wasn't sure I'd ever get around to posting it. A few lovely people expressed interest in it on Twitter, though, so I decided that's a sign I need to put it up. 💕
I have the first 4 chapters written, so updates will be really quick at first, after that it'll be on a rotation with my State of Grace series.
I hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1: we're not who we used to be

Chapter Text

"Do you...love me?"

"Isn't there any way I can get you to see the truth? To accept that I love you, and nothing you say will change that!"

"I'm...disappointed in you."

This conversation replays itself in Kyo's head at least once a day. It comes at the most random, inconvenient times. He can be working at the dojo, be in the middle of showing students how to throw a punch, when it hits him and he has to call a water break. He can be cooking, and he zones out and burns the food. He's missed his stop on the train more than a few times.

It had been his question in the first place. For some stupid fucking reason, he'd chosen that night to grow a pair and ask how she felt. Then, he'd trampled her feelings again, like he always managed to.

And then...Akito. The cliff.

He'd kissed her. He didn't know why he did; looking back on it, it feels like a huge violation of her right to give consent, and he can't think about that without wanting to throw himself off a bridge.

That was the last time he saw her.

Uotani and Hanajima hadn't let him into the hospital, an action that Kyo knew was truly right. Tohru didn't deserve to see him and start hurting again. And he didn't deserve to see her at all.

The curse broke the day she was discharged. He'd cried. Not out of relief, but out of the unsettling pain in his gut. The grief of realizing that he'd thrown everything good in his life away the night he rejected her. He'd done it in an odd attempt to protect both her and himself, because he knew the curse would never break. Yet it ended up doing so, and he was left with nothing.

After she was discharged, Tohru moved in with Hanajima's family until the end of high school. Then she'd moved out and started her own life. Kyo hasn't heard from her again since.

And that's right. It's the way things are supposed to be.

Kyo has gotten very good at cooking over the past two years, since he's moved out of Shigure's house and doesn't have Tohru's skills to rely on anymore. But tonight is part of his day off, and he's feeling less than motivated. He stands with the fridge door open, hands in the pouch-pocket of his hoodie, eyes scanning the shelves. He tries to connect the various foods into a meal in his mind, but nothing sounds even remotely edible. Kyo sighs and closes the fridge, surrendering to his laziness and grabbing his cell phone to call for takeout. But he gets distracted by a text he'd somehow missed when it first came in.

The message is from a contact labelled "Haru." Kyo debates his next move for a minute—he really doesn't feel like putting up with any of Haru's weird antics tonight—but opens the text, in the end. He's become pretty disconnected from the Sohmas since he graduated high school and moved into his own apartment. But he is in the loop enough to know that they have a family dinner every Tuesday, so there's probably a large gathering of people taking place at Shigure's right now.

"There's someone here you're going to want to see."

Kyo frowns slightly, unsure what exactly he was supposed to take away from that ambiguous line of text. Haru has always been a little bit of an airhead, and it probably didn't occur to him that this makes no sense, Kyo thinks. His thumbs tap a response out.

"I really don't feel like dealing with any Sohmas tonight."

The reply comes almost immediately.

"Not a Sohma."

Kyo's mind ticks through a list of people he regularly communicates with, which he knows isn't incredibly long, to be honest. And among that list of a few names, there is absolutely no one he wants to see at the moment. What he really wants to do is order takeout Chinese and lie in bed, watching TV and stuffing his face.

Kyo's about to ignore the message and continue his search mission for sustenance when Haru texts again.

"Just come. You won't regret it."

Kyo groans and leans back against his kitchen wall, banging his head on it a few times. He doesn't want to go, ~~but he also kinda does~~. After a moment, he clenches his fists and stands up straight, going to get his shoes on. Curiosity has gotten the best of him yet again.

As he walks down the street toward the train station, one phrase plays on repeat in his head: Curiosity killed the cat. It would be silly to think that death awaits his arrival at Shigure's, of course, but it is a very real possibility that he will at least suffer emotionally. Kyo knows that. The Sohmas equal pain—always have, always will. But he gets on the train anyway.

As Kyo walks up the front steps about a half hour later, his mind is still spinning, trying to figure out the meaning behind Haru's words. Whoever this person is, they'd better be worth putting up with Yuki and whoever else is there all night.

He knocks on the door to announce his arrival, but then just goes in anyway. He kicks off his Converse sneakers and heads into the living room, where he's immediately greeted by Haru, Momiji, Shigure, and Kisa. Rin, Yuki, and Hiro are also here, but don't seem moved by Kyo's sudden appearance at all. Then again, Rin and Hiro are never really pleased to see anyone; why they're even here in the first place is a mystery.

Kyo is briefly taken aback by how many of his cousins are holding glasses of wine. It makes him realize just how long it's been since he's been back here. They're of age now. Kyo can have a glass if he wants to, as well, of course, but the idea that they're all so grown up is foreign, odd. A wave of loneliness sweeps over Kyo as he realizes that, while he decided to leave everyone behind, the rest of them have all remained so close. He swallows, as if that can quell the strange feeling in his chest.

"So? Why am I here?" he asks Haru after pleasantries have been exchanged.

"Because of her," Haru says simply, tilting his head toward the back of the living room. There, sitting on her knees with her back against the wall, is a familiar brunette. She's gotten older like the rest of them, making her look a bit different than before, but Kyo could never forget those hypnotizing brown eyes. They're large as they study his face. Kyo freezes at the sight of her, and the girl is seemingly locked in place, as well.

After a moment, Kyo forces himself to look away, staring at the floor instead. "You suck, Haru," he mumbles, but summons his courage and makes his way over to the girl despite his reluctance.

"Tohru," he says coolly, sitting down near her.

The hand that is holding Tohru's wine glass trembles slightly. She sets it down on the floor and instead busies her hands by smoothing her skirt awkwardly. "Kyo," she replies simply, forcing herself to make eye contact with the orange-haired boy.

Kyo clears his throat uncomfortably. "How have you been?"

He knows how she's been. Haru has kept him informed over the past two years, and even though Kyo had never asked for updates about Tohru's well-being, he's secretly grateful to Haru for this.

Tohru looks away again. "Fine. Just working and…" she trails off there, then starts down a different path. "How are you?"

Kyo half-shrugs, trying to figure out this girl that he had once known so well. He knows that she has been having a hard time lately. She had been engaged to someone she met at work. They had started dating right out of high school, making him Tohru's first real boyfriend, and they rushed into things. Tohru had suffered because of this. She had been taken advantage of. How anyone could do that to this beautiful, kind young woman is beyond Kyo's realm of understanding. But, if he's being honest with himself, and facing his demons, Kyo has to admit that he's really no better.

"Me too," Kyo says finally. He shoves his hands in the pocket of his hoodie again. The uncomfortable sensation in his chest is increasing in intensity, and it's causing words to form on the tip of his tongue. But he isn't sure if he can bring himself to say them.

"I'm sorry…" he chokes out finally. "I should have kept in touch with you."

And then, in the iciest tone Kyo has ever heard from Tohru Honda, she replies quietly, "It was for the best."

Kyo feels himself gag slightly at the amount of emotion that wells up in his throat at those words. It's clear that Tohru doesn't really want to be talking to him. The fact that she is still sitting here at all is probably just a result of the politeness that had been instilled in her from a young age. She probably used any mean-spirited energy she had stored up in her body on the sentence she had just uttered.

Any reasonable man would just mumble another apology and walk away, Kyo knows. But he's never been exactly reasonable. And Tohru is radiating light. She's always radiated light, and it has never failed to draw Kyo closer, until he gets sucked into her orbit. Tonight is no different. So, he finds himself trying again.

"I heard about your breakup. I'm really sorry."

Tohru flinches a bit at the word "breakup." Kyo watches her closely. Are those tears in her eyes?

"Another thing that was for the best," she says. "I need more wine," she adds a moment later, a weak excuse to leave the room, considering her glass is still near capacity. Kyo knows she just wants space to process his unexpected appearance. She's never been a good liar.

But again, Kyo is not reasonable, and he doesn't know how to take a hint. He follows Tohru into the kitchen, where she just stands staring at the bottle of alcohol in front of her. Her brown eyes flit back over to Kyo after a moment.

"Kyo…" she mumbles. Kyo just looks at her quietly, waiting for her to continue. She still doesn't sound thrilled, but she's initiating conversation—he'll take what he can get. "Why are you here?"

Kyo blinks a few times. He can't very well tell her that Haru had told him to come see her. So instead, he gives her a half truth. "I didn't feel like cooking tonight, and I figured that whatever was here had to be better than take-out."

Hurt flashes over Tohru's features for a moment, but it's such a fleeting expression that Kyo doesn't even have time to catch it before it's gone.

"Well, it's on the counter over there. Help yourself."

Kyo grimaces, mentally kicking himself for what he had said. "Can we talk?" he asks, trying to repair whatever damage he had just done.

"Why?" Tohru asks harshly, turning to face him head-on. She's getting emotional; Kyo can tell by her flushed cheeks and glazed over eyes. She's clearly holding back tears.

"Please…" he murmurs. "Give me five minutes."

Tohru crosses her arms and looks back into the living room. If anyone has noticed that she and Kyo are hanging out together in the kitchen, they aren't letting on, continuing their own conversations instead. After a moment of deliberation, she nods reluctantly.

Despite the look of discomfort on Tohru's face, Kyo feels this to be a small victory, though he doesn't quite know why. Sure, it might make him feel better to talk to Tohru, to tell her that he knows he's an asshole and that he's sorry about that...but what will it do for her? Nothing. If anything, just cause her more heartache. But he can't stop himself, so he walks back outside and around to the back of the house. Tohru trails behind him silently, arms still crossed over her chest as if to protect herself from something.

Kyo chuckles to himself when he sees that the ladder to the roof is still in its place, as if it has become an integral part of the house's structure.

"After you," he says, gesturing to the ladder. Tohru complies and climbs up, Kyo behind her.

As they sit together, the pair watch the sunset quietly for a bit. Kyo is busy trying to think of what exactly he wants to say (words are hard for him, especially when they need to take the form of a sincere apology), and Tohru is waiting, tapping her right index finger on her knee to curb her anxiety.

Finally, Kyo takes a deep breath. "I regret everything I said that day."

At this, Tohru sighs, then starts to speak. Kyo cuts her off. "Please...please let me finish."

Tohru shuts her mouth again and stares at Kyo expectantly.

"I was stupid," Kyo continues, "and selfish. I...promised myself back then that I'd never trample you again. That I'd listen to your feelings. And I failed at that." At this point, he glances over at Tohru, hoping to see any kind of reaction. But she is quiet, eyes downcast, her finger still rapping, tempo sporadic, against her leg.

So, Kyo takes another deep breath. "I...was in love with you that day, too. I wanted to be with you. And maybe, if I had made that clear instead of pushing you away, things would be different now. Maybe you wouldn't have dated that douche bag. And maybe we'd be together." Shakily, Kyo sighs and gets to his feet. Tohru hasn't moved from her original position, and he's pretty much out of words.

"So, I'm sorry," he calls over his shoulder, making his way to the ladder. "I let you down, and I'm sorry. That's all I wanted to say."

All of a sudden, at lightning speed, a small hand darts out and catches onto the bottom of his jeans, holding his leg in place. Kyo stiffens at the contact, turning over his shoulder to look at Tohru again. She's stretched out to reach him, and is practically lying on her stomach now. Once she sees that Kyo stopped, she lets go and straightens herself back up, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry, too," she whispers, her voice so quiet it's almost inaudible. "It was unfair of me to spring everything on you that day. I should have expected that kind of response."

Kyo cringes and kneels down next to her again, watching her carefully. She's always doing this—taking on the blame for things that aren't her fault. Hell, she probably thinks that it's her fault her ex-fiance had cheated on her, too. Probably sees it as a logical response to some character flaw she has invented within her mind. Kyo slumps forward, putting his hands on the roof in front of him to hold himself up.

"Please don't do that…" he mumbles. "Not everything is your fault, Tohru."

He hears her inhale sharply, and forces himself to make eye contact. "I was the one who asked if you loved me, after all. All you did was answer."

"But I'm still taking it out on you now, after all this time. This happened two years ago. I should just forget about it and move on."

Though that is uncomfortable to hear, he'd been half-expecting her to say such a thing. Forget about it and move on—it's probably time that he does that, too. Maybe, now that the curse is broken, and he has an actual career, he can find love somewhere. Deep down, he knows he isn't worthy of that, though. Not of her love, or of anyone else's. But he hopes she finds someone good. She deserves to be loved.

Kyo nods and stands back up, again heading to the ladder. Tohru stops him again, this time with her voice instead of physical touch.

"I think about you all the time."

Chapter 2: you can run, but only so far

Summary:

"As Kyo walks back to the train station about an hour later, he stares down at his cell phone screen. He isn't browsing social media, or checking the train schedule, just looking almost obsessively at the new contact that had just been entered into his phone—'Tohru.'"

Notes:

Y'all aren't gonna like the end of this chapter, and I don't blame you. But don't hate me—it has a point, I swear. I love fluff, so you just have to trust me when I say it'll get there (it will, I promise).

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

As Kyo walks back to the train station about an hour later, he stares down at his cell phone screen. He isn't browsing social media, or checking the train schedule, just looking almost obsessively at the new contact that had just been entered into his phone—"Tohru." When they had gone back inside, cheeks flushed—though he wasn't quite sure if it was from heightened emotions or just the cold up on the roof—Tohru had gotten her phone out of her bag and presented it to Kyo, asking for his in exchange. He had just about had a heart attack, but produced his phone with shaking hands, unlocking it and giving it to Tohru. He'd honestly had no idea what was going on, but when he took Tohru's phone and saw it already open to the "create a new contact" screen, he gulped and took a moment to gather courage before entering his name and number.

Now, he is overthinking everything. He hadn't looked at the contact Tohru made on his phone until he left Shigure's house, and is just now noticing that she had only entered her first name. He had awkwardly typed "Kyo Sohma," as if she might forget who just "Kyo" is. Not only that, but it sure is dark and cold out now...he should have offered to walk her to the station. You're such a dick, Kyo thinks to himself, clenching his jaw. He's been back in her life for only one night and he's already fucking it up again.

Once he gets home, the overthinking still hasn't ceased. He needs to be up early tomorrow to get to the dojo on time; there is a before-school class for some kids that he has to teach. But he still can't stop staring at his phone, at what Tohru had typed, mind spinning. Should he text her? Is it too soon? What's the appropriate amount of time to wait?

No, his conscience nags at him. You shouldn't ever text her.

He doesn't deserve to.

Kyo shakes his head and turns his light out, curling up under his blanket. He'll probably never see her again. And maybe that's for the best.

The week passes slowly, as if someone has dunked the whole world in molasses. He doesn't go over to Shigure's that Tuesday—since he's decided not to text Tohru, he doesn't see the point in showing up there and maybe accidentally running into her. If Shigure's is a safe place for her, then she deserves that. She can have it. He doesn't want the Sohmas, anyway. No part of them, not even the name he's stuck with.

On Wednesday, though, Haru calls Kyo to his and Rin's apartment, for an "important update on Tohru."

Despite himself, Kyo's really a simple man. Put the words "Tohru" and "important" together, and he'll probably show up.

Haru and Rin live on the second floor of this old apartment building in a slightly sketchy ward of Tokyo. As Kyo wanders down the alley leading to the building, he briefly wonders if it's safe for a tiny girl like Rin to live here. Then he remembers it's Rin.

"Nice place," Kyo lies when Haru opens the door.

"Want a beer?" Haru asks by way of greeting. Before Kyo can really even answer, he's sitting on the top step of the staircase outside the front door, and Haru is approaching with two cans of beer. Haru sits, sets down one beer, and shoves it toward Kyo. Kyo eyes it warily. He's not really one for alcohol, and coming from Haru at a time like this, it almost seems like it's meant as an offering to numb impending pain.

So Kyo cracks the can open, but then pauses.

"Wait, you're only 19."

Haru shrugs. "Did you forget who I share this apartment with?"

"Mm. So, anyway…"

"Anyway." Haru pauses to sip his own drink, leaving Kyo staring at him in nervous anticipation—finally, he just gulps down some beer to steady his nerves. "She didn't come."

"That's it?"

"You sound surprisingly okay with this."

Kyo shrugs and looks away, distracting himself by swirling the can in his hand and listening to the liquid inside slosh around. "I can't force her to go to Shigure's, or to want to talk to me. It's not like she owes me anything. I'm more pissed that you made me come all the way out here just to tell me that."

"Hm…" Haru murmurs. "That's true. You were a real dick to her."

"Thanks for the reminder. Aren't you supposed to be my wingman?"

"I am your wingman. She doesn't owe you anything, sure, but what if she wants to, by her own free will?"

"Wants to what, owe me something?" Haru makes no sense. He never has. Sometimes Kyo wonders why he still bothers talking to him at all, and this is most definitely one of those times. But then he remembers that he does owe Haru something. Haru's the one who's been helping him keep tabs on Tohru, after all, when the rest of the family completely shunned him.

"Wants to talk to you, I meant. You're a real airhead sometimes."

"But that's not what you said," Kyo grumbles.

"She wouldn't have asked for your number if she didn't want to talk to you, right? Honda's polite, but she's not spineless. She could have just told you to go fuck yourself, but she didn't."

Kyo sighs and shakes his head. "Yeah, maybe…but then, why hasn't she texted me?"

"Because it's your turn."

"Huh?"

"She asked for your number, so now it's your turn to do something. Man up and text her. Are you gonna drink that?" He gestures to Kyo's beer. Kyo hands it over.

"How do you know so much about girls?"

"I don't. I just have an insider I can turn to for help."

"What is this, some kinda weird secret mission?"

"Hey, I'm sticking my neck out for you here. You're lucky she and Rin are still close. And Rin would kill me if she knew I've been telling you how Honda's doing behind her back. You can at least pretend to be grateful."

Kyo balls his hands up into fists on his lap, swallows his pride, and says, "I am. I really am grateful. Sorry. I'm an asshole sometimes."

Haru shrugs. "I know. Now go home, before Rin gets back and asks what you're doing here."

"I'm your cousin. You can't just say I'm hanging out?"

"Nope. Because then you'll sit here talking to me instead of texting Honda."

Kyo tsks and stands up, brushing off the back of his jeans with his palms. He starts down the stairs, but pauses about halfway down. "Haru?"

"Yeah?"

"Well...you know...thanks."

Kyo's not looking back, but he can hear the smile in Haru's voice. "Yeah, yeah. Get going."

It turns out that saying he's going to text Tohru and actually texting Tohru are two very different things. Kyo stands on his balcony, hoping the fresh air will calm his mind (spoiler: it doesn't). He doesn't think he's ever seen his hands shake this much before—he's afraid he might drop his phone.

What should he say?

What can he say?

He doesn't have the right to say anything at all.

It's unfair of him, really—to just try and jump back into her life completely unannounced after what he did. He'd made her so sad. Depressed is probably a more fitting word, in fact. He's been told about what those days in the hospital were like for her: full of tears, a pain so intense she couldn't even say his name, thoughts that he hated her. And he didn't try to do anything to remedy that. Even now, connecting with her again wasn't his own doing. He'd been practically forced into it by Haru.

It's not fair.

Nothing's ever been fair for Tohru. Her whole life has been one major letdown after another. And even after all this time, knowing he'd added to the mix hurts.

Just as he's about to give up and go back inside to start dinner, his phone buzzes. He glances down at the lit-up screen, eyes widening when he sees who the message is from.

Tohru. She texted him first.

Haru's definitely right about one thing—no one can say that Tohru Honda is spineless.

"It's supposed to rain later. Are you feeling okay?"

Kyo smiles a little and looks up to the sky. It's indeed overcast. She still thinks about him when it rains? After all this time?

He knows he shouldn't respond, but he does anyway.

"I'm okay. Little sore, but nothing too bad."

"Glad to hear it! Make sure to stay home and drink soup tonight."

He chuckles and shakes his head.

It almost feels like they never lost touch. She's worrying about him, just like she used to. She's trying to take care of him, even though she's not physically here. It makes him feel a little reckless.

"What're you up to tonight?"

The response doesn't come for a few minutes.

"Oh, well...I have a date tonight, actually."

There it is. This isn't like old times.

He's so stupid to think that all the hurt between them could just magically heal after one, 10 minute-long conversation at Shigure's a week ago. He bites his tongue, hard, and forces his thumbs to tap out the most painful message he's ever sent:

"Cool. Have fun on your date."

Then he powers his phone down and chucks it onto the couch as he goes inside.

Pathetic. Stupid.

Selfish.

Tohru doesn't know why she told Kyo she has a date tonight. She doesn't even really know why she's going on this date in the first place. It's with some guy Uo met at work. She trusts Uo's judgment, so she'd agreed to a blind date with him. But now, as she waits at the station where they're supposed to meet up, her nerves all burn and her chest stings. This is wrong. Hollow, not right, even though it hasn't even started yet.

"Tohru?"

She turns and comes face-to-face with a tall, dark-haired man. He's handsome, and for a minute the butterflies in her stomach make her forget everything—forget the way she didn't want to be here 30 seconds ago, the nagging feeling that she'd upset Kyo, and mostly the fact that she sort-of-kind-of wishes this man was Kyo.

"Y-yes. Asahi?"

"That's me." He smiles, and the butterflies intensify, even though Kyo's name swirls around in her mind. "Should we get going? I made dinner reservations for us."

"Ah, that's so kind of you. Thank you!"

Asahi laughs a little and shakes his head. "It's my pleasure." He holds out his hand, and Tohru takes it, and it feels kind of good, even though it also burns and aches and threatens to tear her apart at the seams.

The night went well. Like, really well. Asahi is easy to talk to, and whenever he touches her arm or reaches for her hand, it almost feels right. When he takes her back to her apartment and kisses her goodnight, it almost feels good. It sort of feels okay when he deepens the kiss and she lets him, her back getting pressed up against her front door. It's alright when his lips move down to her neck. But then she hears a soft moan escape her throat, and the sound brings reality flooding back.

As good as it might feel to have someone kind and handsome and attentive pressed up against her when she hasn't been touched or kissed in so long, it's all wrong.

Because he's not…

He's just not...

"I-I should probably get to bed. I have work early tomorrow."

He doesn't respond, and for a minute Tohru worries that he isn't going to listen to her. But then he just kisses the side of her throat once more and steps back. He looks at her, and his pupils are blown wide, lips red and kiss-swollen. He's so thoroughly undone, and the knowledge that she did that makes it all feel even worse for Tohru.

"Can...can I call you tomorrow?" Asahi asks.

And even though she wants to say no, she murmurs softly, "I'd like that."

Then he's gone and she's inside, putting on pajamas and crawling into bed. She buries her face in her pillow. She promised herself she would never cry over Kyo again. But maybe just five minutes is okay, right? She lets a choked sob escape her throat.

"I should just forget about it and move on."

That's what she'd said to Kyo, and she'd meant it. She really had.

But she's still caught up in the past, still harboring feelings for someone she'll never have.

It didn't even hurt like this when she caught her fiance in bed with someone else. This is different. It goes down to her core.

She's so pathetic.

Notes:

I hope I didn't lose you. Just truuuust me.

Chapter 3: maybe this is perfect, maybe it's insane

Summary:

"The silence between them is heavy, and he realizes that he has no idea who's sitting across from him right now—she's so different, so grown-up, having been through countless trials since she last really talked to him. Kyo has to say something. He knows what it should be, too, but that makes it hard to open his mouth."

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Tohru isn't sure how she survived the rest of the work week. Well, she didn't make it, really—on Friday morning, her boss had noticed her staring at cell phone anxiously and eventually sent her home because he thought there was some emergency call she needed to wait for. Tohru had just about died of embarrassment. In reality, she was just preparing to decline calls from Asahi, like she'd done all day Thursday, too.

It's immature, but a part of her hopes that maybe he'll just...go away. That he'll take the hint and stop calling, sparing her from having to tell him she's not interested in seeing him again.

He doesn't.

Every Saturday, Tohru and Uo have lunch together at this great cafe halfway between their apartments. Tohru knows she's going to have to give an update about Asahi today, and briefly actually considers telling Uo she can't come, never mind that she's already at the station, waiting for her train to go over there. Then she realizes what an idiot she's being about this whole thing, so she sucks it up and gets on the train, even though her gut is telling her to go home and get back in bed and hide from everyone.

When she gets there, Uo is waiting for her near the back of the restaurant, and waves her over with a big grin. Tohru returns it, about half-genuine, as she makes her way over.

"Hi, Uo-chan!" She sits, setting her phone next to her, as is now her habit, apparently. "How was your week?"

"Eh, you know. Just work. But forget about that. I gotta hear details."

Tohru inhales nervously, but is saved (if she can even really call it that) by her phone ringing. When she looks down at the screen, Tohru crinkles up her nose in discomfort and sends the call to voicemail.

If Uo had read the contact name, she doesn't let on. "Earth to Tohru. So, how'd it go on Wednesday?"

Tohru buys herself a second to think by sipping at the tea Uo had ordered for her. "It was nice."

"Nice? What's that mean?" Uo asks incredulously.

"He's very nice."

"No spark, huh?"

"W-well…"

"He said at work yesterday that you guys got along really well. I guess he couldn't tell how you felt."

Tohru bites her lip and looks down at the table. "I'm sorry, Uo-chan. I told him he could call me, but, uh. I haven't answered his calls."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to hurt his feelings, or make things awkward for you at work. I shouldn't have agreed to go out with someone you work with in the first place."

Tohru's at least grown enough to be able to avoid crying in public most of the time, so her eyes aren't teary, but her heart still aches in the weird way it has since Wednesday night, and she briefly wonders if crying in front of Uo-chan in this cafe right now might help numb it.

"Tohru," Uo says gently. She reaches across the table and ruffles Tohru's hair. "If I thought it would make things awkward, I wouldn't have set it up."

"But you thought we'd end up together…"

"So what? If you don't like him, you don't like him. Telling him so isn't going to make anything weird. What's gonna make things awkward for me at work is you dodging his calls forever."

Tohru hadn't thought about that before now. By not facing Asahi herself and telling him she's not ready to date, she's pushing that responsibility off onto Uo-chan—she'll be left to make excuses for Tohru. And that's not fair, neither to Uo-chan nor to Asashi.

"I'm sorry," Tohru says softly, then pauses in an attempt to steady the pathetic tremor in her voice. "That's really thoughtless of me. I'll call him tonight."

Uo just stares at her for a minute, and it makes Tohru itchy. The waiters here all know them and get their usuals ready automatically—she really wishes their food would get here now so she can use a full-mouth as an excuse to not talk as much.

"You gonna tell me what's really going on?" Uo asks then.

The words spill out of her mouth on their own volition. They're a mess, blurred together by speed, and Tohru's sure they don't make much sense. "I really like him. I can see myself with him. He's nice and smart and fun to talk to. It felt good when he kissed me and touched me. But he's not...Asahi's just not…" Now her eyes are full of tears, and she looks up at the ceiling to try and get rid of them.

Their waiter picks that moment to come up to their table with their sandwiches. "Here you are, ladies. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"Yeah, thanks, the check." Uo says. Tohru knows she must look like a disaster, and it's no surprise that, after all these years of being friends, Uo can tell when she needs to get out of a situation quickly.

The waiter looks confused, but returns with the check just a few seconds later. Uo slaps some money onto the table and grabs Tohru's hand as she stands, pulling her out of the cafe. Once they're outside, they turn down a side street and find a bench.

"He's not what?" Uo asks, prompting Tohru to start from where she left off.

"He's not Kyo," she chokes out. The tears fall, and she buries her face in her hands.

Uo's quiet for what feels like forever, leaving Tohru a sobbing mess next to her. Finally, she says, "You haven't talked about Sohma in a long time."

"I know," Tohru mumbles, voice muffled by her palms. "I'm sorry."

"What made you think of him all of a sudden?"

"I saw him last week." She uncovers her face and wipes at her eyes.

"What? Where?"

"I went to Shigure's for their family dinner. Yuki told me he'd never shown up before, so I figured it would be okay, but then he came. A-and...we talked and he apologized, and now I have his phone number."

"There's...a lot going on here."

"I know..."

"I wish Hanajima were here to keep me in check."

Tohru giggles, but it's watery.

"Listen, Tohru...I know you loved him, and I know he loved you, but he was an idiot, and he hurt you. Even though you loved each other at one point, you've gotta stop settling for less than you deserve."

"Do you mean Itsuki?"

"Uh, duh. You found the asshole in your bed with some other girl, then said it was probably your fault and tried to work things out for a month before finally breaking things off."

"It was hard," Tohru protests, feeling a little defensive of her actions, though she's not sure why. "I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. How could I throw it all away after one problem?"

"Do you hear yourself?! The problem was him. He was an asshole the whole time you were together. If the problem is one half of the couple, how do you get past that?"

Tohru doesn't want to argue with Uo-chan, and really...there's a lot of truth in what she's saying. So Tohru just looks down at her hands, eyes focusing on her left ring finger. All these months later, it still feels bare and light without the ring she'd had, sometimes.

Uo sighs. "I'm sorry. Just...I love you. Asahi's a good guy, and I know he'd treat you well, and that's all I want for you. But if you're not ready, then you're not ready, and that's okay. Just please, for the love of God, don't go running back to Carrots just because you used to have feelings for him."

Tohru nods a little. "You're right, Uo-chan." And her rational side knows that's the truth, even though her heart hasn't quite caught onto that yet.

In an attempt to lighten the mood, then, Uo says, "Felt good when he touched and kissed you, huh?"

Tohru rolls her eyes, cheeks reddening. "Uo-chan…"

"What? You deserve to get laid if you want to. So you got some action?"

"No, not really. I pushed him away before it really went anywhere. If I'm not going to see him again, why would I want to have sex with him?"

Uo sighs dramatically and reaches over, pulling Tohru's head down onto her chest. "You're so cute, Tohru."

When Tohru walks up the stairs to her apartment later after saying goodbye to Uo, she's met by a somewhat-familiar face—Asahi is leaning against the wall next to her front door, a bouquet of daisies resting in the crook of his arm. Tohru freezes a few steps back.

"Asahi?"

"Oh, hi! Uh…" He looks up from his phone, which he'd clearly been on to kill time while he waited. Tohru wonders how long he's been standing here. His cheeks are red, and he rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. "You didn't answer my calls, so…"

"I know. I'm sorry," Tohru says softly, averting her eyes to the ground. She knows it's time to be brave. She should just say it, just get it done quickly to minimize the pain for both of them. "I—"

"It's okay. I know you're busy. These are for you." He holds out the bouquet.

Tohru takes it and stares at the flowers, trying to gather her words. In the end, what comes out is just, "Thank you. You can come in."

He waits as she unlocks her door, then follows her inside. Having anyone other than Rin, Yuki, or Uo-chan in her apartment feels weird. She's not sure she's even had another guest once since she moved in six months ago.

"You have a nice place."

"Thanks." Tohru heads into the kitchen area and opens a cupboard, looking for a vase for the flowers. Asahi leans against the counter and watches her.

"Is everything okay?"

Not really, no.

"O-oh, yes, of course!"

"You seem a little down. If you don't want me here, I'll go. But…" He bites his lip, then pushes himself off the counter and approaches her once his resolve is apparently steeled. He puts his hands at her shoulders, slides them down her arms, and takes her hands. He leans forward, and Tohru's breath snags in the most awful yet slightly-thrilling way when he kisses her forehead. It's an action so sweet and pure that it makes her want to just burst into tears. "If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know, okay?" he finishes.

What would Kyo do if he were here right now, she wonders. If he were standing in her kitchen and she told him she was upset, what would he do? Probably rap his knuckles against her head and tell her to start talking. And then, if she said it was about him, he'd probably just run away.

This man in front of her, who she's only met once...he's just trying to hold her. He's not pushing, and she's somehow pretty sure he won't leave if she talks about her feelings right now. So she starts talking. Not about Kyo, but about her ex-fiance. She uses him (in place of Kyo) as an excuse about why she's been avoiding Asahi's phone calls. And when she's done, she's crying and Asahi is kissing the tears from her cheeks, and she clings to him.

She's not really sure about how everything else happens after that. But she does know that she wakes up next to him in the morning, and she thinks that, maybe her heart might burn just a little less.

"How was your date?"

The unsent message has been sitting in Kyo's phone since Wednesday night. He hasn't been able to force himself to send it. He's genuinely curious about what kind of guy she'd seen, even though he's 100% sure hearing about it will break his heart. Kyo thinks he must be a masochist of some kind.

So today, Sunday morning, Kyo hits send. Curiosity will always be his downfall. Perhaps the cat spirit will always linger in some ways.

He stays in bed, deciding to be lazy while he waits for a response. It comes pretty quickly, but it's lacking the detail Kyo had been hoping for.

"Fine."

He wants to push, but knows he shouldn't. He can't. If she wanted to tell him, she would just tell him. It's probably weird to talk about this kind of stuff with him. He can't blame her for feeling like that—he feels it, too.

But…

Something he knows about Tohru—or at least the old Tohru, he supposes—is that she doesn't like to talk about her feelings. She doesn't want to "bother" anyone else with whatever's going on in her heart and head.

And Kyo still isn't a reasonable person. He hopes that weirdly-strong perseverance will help him someday, instead of just getting him into messes like it has been up until now.

"That doesn't sound too good."

A reply doesn't come right away, so he gets out of bed and gets dressed to try and keep his anxiety down.

"I don't think I'm ready for anything serious yet."

Her word choice sticks out to him—serious. Does that mean she's considering something casual with that guy instead? Are they already doing something casual? Kyo doesn't quite know how that thought makes him feel, but it's definitely not good.

He takes a breath. He knows he's an anxious person—always has been, especially when it comes to Tohru. But there's no reason to spiral right now. He can't picture her having sex with someone she's not in love with.

And even if she does, it's none of his business, he reminds himself. Because two years ago, he turned her down in the most heartless way possible, then ran away, leaving her to get stabbed and fall off a fucking cliff.

But then, he remembers what Haru said the other day: "She could have just told you to go fuck yourself, but she didn't." If Tohru didn't want to talk to him about this right now, she wouldn't be responding. He takes a second to steady his nerves, then forces himself to send her another text.

"I'm hungry. Wanna get some lunch and talk? Or just lunch, if you want, I guess. My treat."

He hits send before he has time to overthink it, then looks back at the message and cringes—he can tell how anxious he is just by the awkward and stiff wording. He hopes she can't tell, too. Then he gets a response, the most beautiful word he's ever seen:

"Yes."

They meet at a little ramen restaurant she used to like. He's not sure she eats here anymore, since it's by Shigure's house and therefore out of the way, but she hadn't protested when he made the suggestion, so he figures it must be okay.

She looks really melancholy when he first sees her, which threatens to tear his heart to shreds...but she perks up just a little when they head into the shop, so it really must be an okay place, at least.

They sit at a booth in the back. Kyo waits for her to start talking, but quickly realizes that they're not there—she isn't just going to open up with no hesitation like she used to. He desperately wracks his brain for a sensitive way to breach the topic, but comes up empty-handed and just says, "You don't look so good."

She looks up from the menu in front of her, eyes wide with surprise.

Oh my god. What just happened?

"No, uh," he chokes out, attempting to backpedal as quickly as humanly possible. "You look fine, you look great. I just mean, uh...you look, well, sad."

Tohru smiles a little bit, the expression forced and bitter, and goes back to scanning the menu. "Long night."

Kyo waits for her to continue, but she doesn't right away, so he ponders her words. And inevitably, that leads him back down the rabbit hole of wondering if she'd spent a long, casual night with what's-his-face. He bounces his leg up and down anxiously, but it stills when he feels Tohru's little hand on his knee. He glances under the table to make sure he's not imagining things, then looks back up at her.

"You still do that when you're worried?" she asks softly. "Why are you nervous?"

Because he loves her. He fucked up so badly so long ago, and now she's probably with someone else, but he still loves her so much.

"Just...haven't hung out with you in a while…"

"Oh. Yeah." She pulls her hand away. He immediately misses the warmth.

The silence between them is heavy, and he realizes that he has no idea who's sitting across from him right now—she's so different, so grown-up, having been through countless trials since she last really talked to him. Kyo has to say something. He knows what it should be, too, but that makes it hard to open his mouth. After a few deep breaths, he finally blurts, "Tohru, I...I don't want you to feel weird. If you want to talk to me about that guy you went on a date with, you can. Or, hell, maybe it was another girl, but that's not the point. I'll listen. I wanna try to be your friend. If you'll let me."

And even though Tohru's eyes say she's still harboring a breaking heart, she laughs. Kyo hadn't realized how much he's missed the sound until now.

"It wasn't a girl," she giggles.

He runs a hand down his face, hoping to hide his red cheeks. "Didn't you and Hanajima used to talk about getting married?"

"It was just a joke. And besides, Hana-chan doesn't live here anymore."

Tohru waves the waiter over and they order, then she chews at her lip in silence for a minute. Just as she knows that he bounces his knee up and down when he's nervous, he knows that she bites her lip when she's anxious. So maybe he still knows her a little, after all.

Finally, after that long period of hesitation, she says, "You're sure you don't mind?"

"Yeah," he confirms, even though he's really not.

Then she starts talking.

Notes:

Yay, thanks for sticking with me, y'all. I hope this ending is a little easier, or at least makes you a little more optimistic about the next chapter? Lol. Thanks for all the love, as always! 💕💕

Chapter 4: this is me trying

Summary:

"For 20 years, Tohru Honda has been good at smiling. Even when everything's wrong, she can whip out a bright grin that's guaranteed to make everyone around her feel better, in turn making her feel better, too.
But for the last seven months, her heart's been a mess."

Notes:

I just realized I haven't said this before, but the title of this fic is from the song "Name" by The Goo Goo Dolls. I chose it because the full line is, "I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same." I think that's fitting for this piece.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Honestly, Tohru isn't quite sure where to start. She's only met Asahi twice, but it's already become such a complicated relationship. And it'll probably just get worse from here, she knows, now that she's slept with him. She doesn't have much experience with men to begin with, but a one night stand is completely new territory for her—especially because she's pretty sure he wants it to be more than that, and she's just simply not sure what she thinks of it.

She's always heard from her friends that men can have sex with no feelings involved. But that's not Asahi. She already knows that much. There's no way he doesn't have some kind of emotional attraction to her, what with the phone calls and flowers and just how generally tender and caring he'd been. And besides, is she the kind of person who can have sex with no feelings involved, anyway?

No...there are definitely feelings involved. She just has no idea what they are. But they're not exactly good.

Getting Asahi out of her apartment earlier this afternoon was an adventure all on its own—because he was content to lie in bed and press kisses to her shoulders, and then because he obviously likes her, he wanted to take her out to lunch (but after a lunch invitation from Kyo, he unknowingly stood no chance).

She doesn't tell Kyo all of that, though, because why on Earth would she?

"He's really kind."

"So what's the problem? You develop a bad-boy complex?"

Tohru sighs and pokes at her ramen with her chopsticks. Across the table, Kyo waits patiently for her to answer, working on his own food in the silence.

"I don't know," she says finally, shaking her head. "Maybe I'm not ready, or maybe he's just not right."

(He's definitely not right, and she knows exactly why, but she doesn't say that, either.)

Kyo shrugs. "I don't know much about dating, but if there's nothing there, then there's nothing there, I guess. Ya can't force it."

"You...haven't you been dating?" She's not sure why she says it—she just does, and then she can't take it back, of course. And Tohru knows exactly what answer she wants to hear, too, and that makes her feel so guilty that she briefly considers taking a page from Kyo's book and just making a mad dash away from the situation.

"Nah. Not at all, really."

"Why not?"

"Can you really see me, like, finding a girl and getting married or any of that?"

"Yes," she says immediately, then instinctively slaps her palm over her mouth, which she's sure just makes it worse, in the end.

Kyo's quiet for a minute, then he just mumbles, "Well, I can't."

"Oh," Tohru says, because what else is she supposed to say to that?

"So why aren't you ready?" Kyo asks, trying to change the subject. "Is it 'cause of what's-his-face?"

"His name was Itsuki."

"Yeah, sure. So is it 'cause of him?"

"Probably," she lies. She's noticed she's been getting good at that lately.

"That makes sense. Something like what you went through has to be traumatizing."

"How do you...know what happened?"

His cheeks light up pink. "I don't, really. Just...well, Haru told me that you got cheated on. I guess he heard from Rin or something."

"I didn't exactly try to keep it a secret," she admits.

"Good. He deserved to be exposed after that. People say it's part of our culture or whatever, but that's such bullshit."

There are words sitting on Tohru's tongue, now, heavy and bitter. She hesitates for the briefest of moments, then lets them come out. "I...I came home from work one day. There were two pairs of shoes in the genkan—one I knew was Itsuki's, but the other looked like some kind of women's dress shoes. I just got this sinking feeling in my stomach. I don't know why, but I just knew what was going on. And I should have just turned around and left, but...instead, I went into our bedroom and found them having sex."

"Wait, you saw it?"

Tohru nods and swallows, her throat feeling thick with lingering grief. And that grief makes her feel so weak. It's been seven months since this happened, and six since she left Itsuki. She should be okay now, shouldn't she? But maybe this has more to do with everything than she thought.

And why is she telling Kyo this now, anyway? While he used to be her best friend and her confidant, he's neither of those things anymore. This man may as well be a stranger, right? But still…

"Damn. What did you do after that? Did he see you?"

"Yeah, he saw me. I just kind of stood there. I couldn't move. He got out of bed and came running over, yelling out all kinds of apologies and excuses."

"What a dick." Kyo sounds legitimately bitter, angry for her that she went through that, and it settles Tohru's gut a little bit—maybe, behind this exterior of the full-grown man he is now, he's still just a mildly hot-headed dork, who is still fiercely protective of her. Despite the tears gathering in her eyes from recounting the situation, she feels a smile start across her cheeks.

"And I stayed."

"You stayed," Kyo repeats, half a question and half just a statement of disbelief.

"Yes. For a month. He said he'd work on it. We could go to therapy. But...he didn't even try, in the end."

Kyo takes a big breath and exhales it slowly, as though working on calming himself down. "Well, I'm...I'm glad you left, Tohru."

"But it took me so long," she chokes out, and she hates the tremor in her voice, and the way it's accompanied by tears finally spilling out of her eyes. There are so many things about herself that she doesn't understand at the moment—her inability to move on, both from Itsuki's betrayal and her love for Kyo; her increased aptitude for lying; how she's whining in public, like she's a small child.

"So?" he asks. She looks up at him, nonplussed by this response. He's looking down at his bowl of ramen, cheeks a fantastic shade of red. "You still left. You realized you deserve more than that. And well, knowing you, that's a big deal. I'm proud of you, Tohru."

He doesn't sound exactly proud—more remorseful and pitying, almost—but Tohru takes the words for what they are. She nods a little, sniffling.

"Thank you."

He nods back and lifts a hand. For a second, she thinks he might touch her, and her heart lifts at the idea, but he hesitates and lies it back down on the table. Tohru mourns the loss of the imaginary touch.

She wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry for dumping all of that on you."

"Don't apologize. I asked you to. And besides, you know how it is with me...you don't have to feel bad about telling me how you feel."

Does she know that, though? Sort of, she supposes. Everything she'd ever told him had been listened to carefully, considered deeply, and then responded to with warmth and kindness—he never said he was disappointed in her.

Except for when…

Tohru bites her lip. "Are you done eating?" she asks.

"Oh, uh. Sure." He looks between his bowl and hers. They're both still half-full, but she's not sure she can take much more of this.

He goes to the counter to pay, and Tohru stands outside the front door to wait. The air is lighter outside, so she sucks in as much of it as humanly possible. Because she's sure that when Kyo comes out, it'll be hard to breathe again.

After Kyo pays, denying multiple offers from the waiter for to-go boxes, he shoves his wallet back in his pocket and heads outside.

For a second, he just stands in the doorway, unable to move. Tohru's almost glimmering in the afternoon sun—her chocolate hair is shining a shade of golden now, her pale skin glowing. She's beautiful. She's always been beautiful, of course, but now...he can't explain it, but he knows it sort of makes him want to cry. He slides into place next to her, and they stand in silence for a minute, both just staring up at the blue, clear sky.

"Can I walk you to the station?" Kyo asks.

"It's okay. It'll probably be out of your way."

"But—" Kyo starts to protest, but Tohru cuts him off by touching his hand. She takes his pinky finger and wraps her entire palm around it, squeezing for a second before releasing him.

"It's sweet of you to be worried about me. But really, I'm fine."

Kyo has no idea what to do, so he just nods lamely.

"Kyo-kun, can I…?" Tohru starts, then trails off. Kyo waits for her to continue. Whatever the question is, he'll say yes, of course. He doesn't have the strength to deny her anything she might want, and he is sure they both know it.

But instead of finishing her sentence, Tohru just reaches out to Kyo again. Suddenly, her arms are around his torso, pulling him in. She lays her head against his chest and squeezes her eyes shut, her grip on him tightening.

It takes Kyo a second to be able to respond. Once his brain has recovered from the initial shock of being hugged—and by Tohru, of all people—he is able to lift his arms and slide them around her waist. He buries his nose in her hair, breathing her in. He doesn't deserve this, not at all. But he also can't bring himself to push her away, even though he thinks that would be better for her. It'll be better for her if she doesn't get close to him again.

It's selfish of him to even be here in the first place, after all.

The two stand there for many long moments, squeezing each other gently, as though they might break the other if they get too rough. Kyo feels wetness against his t-shirt and frowns. Is she crying? He hugs her tighter in response, moving one hand up to the back of her head, fingers tangling in her long hair. And despite how awkward things were up until just a few minutes ago, this feels like the most natural position in the world for the two of them to be standing in.

Finally, Tohru pulls back and looks at him, wiping her eyes hastily. "Sorry. I just...never got to do that after the curse broke."

"It's okay," Kyo responds gently, studying her face. Her cheeks are wet and her eyes red from shedding tears, strands of hair clinging to her damp face. Some might say that she looks like a mess. He just thinks that she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

"Anyway...thank you for meeting me today, and for buying lunch."

Kyo forces himself to smile, shoving his hands into his jean pockets. "Anytime," he says, and he means it with his entire being.

Tohru returns the smile and starts off toward the station, waving over her shoulder. Kyo watches her until she is out of his line of sight, then turns to go to the station he needs to get to his own home. He doesn't know what just happened. But he does know that he would give absolutely anything to feel her arms around him again.

Selfish.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, Kyo has a weird, nagging feeling in his gut that something just isn't right. He can't really put his finger on what exactly is wrong, so he tries to go about his evening as normal—he cleans up around the apartment, goes for a run, then gets into the shower. There, it hits him.

Tohru's really not okay. She's spiraling.

Before this afternoon, he hadn't observed her so closely in a long time, so he couldn't identify that look she had about her at first, but he knows now that she's not okay. She'd been even paler than usual, brown eyes dull, and when she looked at him, it was like she'd been staring right through him.

He towels off quickly and weighs his options. His first thought is to call Uotani, but he of course doesn't have her number anymore. He realizes pretty fast that he's alone in this, and the thought briefly terrifies him. But...it's not selfish to contact her if she needs somebody, right? It's not like she'll reach out to anyone, herself. So he texts Tohru, even though it's pushing 11 PM now.

"You up?"

He doesn't get a response right away, which makes him feel a little better and a little more unsettled at the same time—she's either asleep or something is seriously wrong. Finally, though, his phone buzzes.

"Yes."

Immediately, he knows what he needs to do, what he wants to do.

"This might sound weird, but can I come over?"

"Now?"

"Yeah, now."

She sends her address, and as soon as he reads it, he's taking off out the door.

Tohru has been sitting in the dark since she got home. She'd changed into pajamas and immediately plopped down in the corner of her living room, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, effectively rolling herself into an egg-like position.

For 20 years, Tohru Honda has been good at smiling. Even when everything's wrong, she can whip out a bright grin that's guaranteed to make everyone around her feel better, in turn making her feel better, too.

But for the last seven months, her heart's been a mess. She's not sure how to smile and truly mean it anymore. And after pouring out every traumatic detail of her failed engagement to Kyo this afternoon, after having sex with someone for absolutely no reason last night, it's just worse. She knows she's going down, but she doesn't know how to stop the downward spiral of her mind.

When she gets a text from Kyo asking if he can come over, she has no idea what to say. Part of her desperately wants him to come over and wrap her up in his arms so she can cry into his chest again. Part of her wants him to come over and kiss her, and never stop kissing her. But most of her knows that those are completely irrational scenarios to be pining for.

She gives him her address.

When her doorbell rings about an hour later, she finally drags herself off the ground and heads to the door. She opens it and sees Kyo on the other side, a plastic grocery bag in one hand and a bundle of flowers in the other. She stares up at him with wide eyes. Even with the only light source being the dim lamp in the stairwell leading up to her apartment, she can see how flushed his face is.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," she says back.

They stare at each other for a second, then Kyo coughs awkwardly. "Oh, uh, come in!" Tohru blurts in response, then steps aside.

"So," he says, heading into her kitchen and setting everything down on the counter, "I brought some stuff."

The way he strides across the room with such confidence makes her feel odd in the best way possible. He's acting like he's spent an extensive amount of time here before, like he belongs here. She wishes that were true.

"You didn't have to do that."

"Wanted to. You didn't eat much earlier, so I picked up some sushi. It's just some Lawson's stuff, so don't expect too much, but they're all that's open right now. And I hope you still like milk tea, because I impulse-bought a shit ton of that. Oh, and, uh."

He picks the flowers back up and holds them out to her. He starts off staring at the ground shyly, but after a second, he seemingly gathers his courage and looks up at her, holding steady eye contact—despite how hard he's blushing and the fact that his hands are trembling a little.

Wait.

Is he...nervous?

Does he—?

"Tulips," she says dumbly, then forces herself to reach out and take them.

"Yeah," he confirms. "It's springtime now, and I see these growing all over the place this time of year. And well...you're spring, too."

Tohru bites her lip. "They're beautiful. Thank you."

Kyo just nods a little and takes them back from her. He turns on the tap and asks, "Got a vase anywhere? Don't want them to die."

The flowers Asahi had brought her yesterday ended up wilted, and therefore thrown out, after being forgotten in the kitchen, so an empty vase is still sitting on her counter. The idea of putting Kyo's flowers in it now makes her stomach churn with guilt, but she gestures to it anyway. She watches him arrange the flowers in the vase, and when he's done he blows out a harsh breath, making his bangs fly for a second.

"I dunno how to make flowers pretty," he admits.

"They look great."

"Yeah? Good. Well...wanna eat? I'm starving."

She nods, and then that's what they do. They sit on her couch and eat the sushi straight out of the container with disposable chopsticks, so Tohru won't have to do dishes later. They don't talk much, but unlike the silences at the restaurant earlier, this quiet isn't heavy. It's almost peaceful, in fact. Tohru thinks that it's just what she needs.

Around 1 AM, she starts to get tired, and before she can think twice about it, she leans over and rests her head on Kyo's shoulder. It stiffens under her, but after a second he relaxes and even lays his own head on top of hers. Her breath catches, because despite the fatigue that's settling in on her brain, she has butterflies.

"I know you're sad," he whispers. "You didn't have to tell me all that today."

"Talking about it is supposed to help."

"Yeah, sure, but it obviously didn't."

"No. But this is."

He's quiet for a few long moments, then just murmurs, "Do you want me to stay, then?"

It's the easiest question she's ever had to answer. "Yes."

"Then I will."

Notes:

A little happier, maybe? 😅I'm so glad to hear that you guys are invested in this so far—honestly, that means so much to me. Thank you, as always. 💕

Chapter 5: oh, how foreign it felt when I opened my mouth, and heard the truth come out

Summary:

"What?" he prompts. "You can tell me."
And he means it. He desperately wants her to feel like she can confide in him more. Though she's always been afraid to show her weak side to most people, Tohru's vulnerability has never scared him. In fact, it's always just made him fall for her more and more.

Notes:

Hello! ☺️ I hope you like this one. Thanks for the love and support. 💕
Also, shoutout to modzy and her uncanny ability to predict certain events lol.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Tohru wakes up the next morning to the sound of knocking on her front door, and a stiff-ish pain in her neck. She sits up fully and glances to her right, realizing her neck must hurt because she'd slept on Kyo all night, in the same position she'd fallen asleep. His head is lolled back against the back of the couch now, but he'd stayed still other than that, letting her cling to him. She doesn't have time to process all the feelings that come along with that, though, because someone is still at her door. She shakes her head to wake herself up a bit more, then stands. Kyo stirs when he feels the couch move, and he immediately rubs at his own neck, too.

"Someone here?" he asks when he figures out why she's gotten up. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, it's fine. I'm not expecting anyone."

And she isn't. In fact, she's really not expecting to see Asahi, of all people, on the other side, but there he is. Tohru can't even get a proper greeting out.

"Um."

"Hi," Asahi says. He still looks like he's a little nervous around her, but less-so now, and he leans forward to kiss her. Tohru really can't move, can't breathe, can't think, so she just stands there like an idiot.

When he pulls back, he asks, "Can I come in for a minute?"

She still doesn't say anything, so he takes that as a "yes" and steps past her into the genkan. He catches sight of something over her shoulder, and his eyes widen a bit. She turns around to follow his gaze, and sees that Kyo's now standing in the kitchen getting a glass of water, in perfect view of the front door (so he saw everything that just happened, which is horrible).

"'Sup," Kyo calls awkwardly.

"Uh. Hey, man. Tohru, I think I left my watch in your bedroom. Could I go look?"

Tohru wishes the ground would open up and swallow her whole. Surely whatever fate would await her then would be better than what's happening here.

"O-oh, yes, of course!" She starts to gesture toward her bedroom, then catches herself and mumbles anxiously, "Well, you know where it is."

She and Kyo stand together in the kitchen, engulfed in a thick silence and listening to Asahi rustle around in the bedroom for a minute. When he returns, he has his watch on his wrist again.

"Thanks," he says, making his way to the door. Tohru reaches out and grabs his arm. He jumps as if having been burned, and she pulls her hand back quickly.

"Uh, Asahi, I think we should talk."

"Okay."

"Oh, uh," Kyo pipes up from the kitchen area, "I'll go out on the balcony...or something, if you want."

Tohru shakes her head. "It's okay. We can talk out front."

Out on the doorstep, Tohru stares at the ground. She has no idea where to begin. She's sorry he came over at such an inconvenient time. Maybe that's what she should say first. When she opens her mouth, though, he cuts her off.

"No beating around the bush, please. Just tell me."

"Ah, well..." She moves her eyes up to his face, and she hates how uncomfortable he looks.

"I know we never put a label on us or anything, and it would have been really quick to do that, anyway, but…" He shrugs and shakes his head. "I don't know. I just hoped you could start to like me as much as I like you."

Tohru takes a deep breath to compose herself. Even though, for the upteenth time this past week, she has no idea what to say, she's learning that just starting is the hardest part. Just do that first, then she can figure out the rest as she goes. "Kyo is just my friend. I've known him for a long time. I...I'm sorry you came over right now and got the impression you did. But also, I'm not ready for anything serious with you, Asahi. I'm sorry."

And she is sorry. She's sorry she might have led him on. She's sorry he had to find out like this. She's sorry that he fell for her, and she's really sorry that she couldn't fall for him back.

Asahi sighs. "Yeah, I get it. I like you a lot, but I kind of got the feeling that this wasn't going to go anywhere serious...at least not yet."

"But you slept with me anyway?" It's the first question that comes to her mind. She's not quite sure why, but she needs to know how he sees that night.

"Well, uh, yeah. I mean, I like you, and you're gorgeous, and you initiated it. So why wouldn't I?"

She doesn't quite remember initiating anything—though the whole night is kind of blurry—but that's not the point right now. "Right. That makes sense."

"Besides, you're in love with him, right?"

Her eyes widen and she looks away, because if she doesn't, she thinks she might burst into tears.

When she doesn't say anything, Asahi continues. "I'm gonna get going. I wish you good luck with him. Really."

"Thank you," she whispers. She listens to his footsteps go down the stairs, then wipes at her eyes to make sure they're not damp and goes back inside.

Kyo's on the couch again, his knee bouncing up and down. She can't help but smile a little at seeing that habit come back up, even though she's just narrowly avoiding what feels like a panic attack.

"Kyo," she says softly, and he whips around to look at her.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

Why? Why? Why is he asking if she's okay? She should be asking him that. She can't imagine how uncomfortable that had been for him—probably at least 10 times worse than it was for her. And he probably thinks so much less of her now, too; she's always been told that you don't sleep with someone you're not in love with, and definitely not on the second date. Because that makes a girl "easy," and that makes her undesirable, and that means that no one will ever want her again.

"I…" She starts, but she's not okay, and they both know it. So she just shakes her head instead of continuing down that path. After a minute, she adds, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he says immediately.

"No, it's not…"

"Tohru, it's not like you were cheating on him with me, or the other way around, or anything. You can have whoever you want in your apartment. It's none of my business."

That stings for a reason she can't quite describe. "Okay. Right."

"I—" he hesitates, then continues, "I don't get one night stands. But that doesn't mean you can't have them if you want to. If you're safe and happy and it feels good, then whatever, right?"

"Sure."

"And were you? Safe and happy, I mean. 'Cause I'll go kick his ass if you weren't."

She sniffles back any remaining tears, then giggles a bit at that. "He didn't force me into anything."

"Well then, good."

The slight ease she feels at his reassuring words only lingers for a second before a thought occurs to Tohru, and she spits it out without thinking. "Are you still a virgin, then?"

A red flush starts at his nose, spreads across his cheeks and ears, and all the way down to his chest. In other circumstances, she might enjoy the fact that she can make him look so flustered. "I—well, yeah. I told you I haven't been dating."

"Oh," she says, simply because she has no idea what else she could say. When she sees the look on his face, though, she hurries to backtrack. "I-I mean, not that that's a bad thing! I was just curious because...well, I don't know why." She buries her face in her palms and squeaks out an, "I'm sorry!"

There's nothing but silence for a bit, then Kyo just chuckles. She peeks out at him from between her fingers, confused.

"You're a dork," he says. "Anyway, it's probably a good thing he woke us up. I don't have to be at the dojo until the afternoon today, but I should go home and get ready."

"Ah, right."

"Don't you work today?"

She shakes her head. "Tuesday through Friday."

"Lucky. No Mondays for you."

"Doesn't Tuesday just become my Monday?"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess." He's heading to the genkan while talking, and once he's there, shoves his feet into his sneakers.

"Thank you. For staying with me last night."

Kyo's cheeks pinken again, and he clears his throat awkwardly before answering. "Of course. Can I, um...is it okay if I call you later, or text you?"

Hearing Kyo ask that reminds her of Asahi saying it after their first date, and an odd sense of grief and guilt washes over her again. But she forces herself to answer. "Yes. I'd like that." And this time she means it.

"You're late!"

"I know that," Kyo says simply, sliding past Kunimitsu to get into the training room.

It might have been a lie when Kyo said that he didn't have to go to work until the afternoon. He'd woken up on time, at 6, because of his natural circadian rhythm, but when he'd picked his head up and looked to his left, he'd seen Tohru's head on his shoulder, and both of her thin arms wrapped around one of his own—and how the hell was he supposed to get up from that? Besides, he works for his dad, so that has to count for something every once in a while, right?

Kyo glances at the clock on the far wall as he gathers up discarded water bottles and used towels from the last class. Half an hour before the kids get out of school and come in for their first lesson. "Does Master know?"

"Of course he does. You'd have to be a total moron to not notice that one of your two employees isn't here. He's going to want to talk to you."

So Kyo tosses the towels into the hamper by the door and heads into the little room Master uses as an office to do dojo-related paperwork.

"Kyo, you're here," Kazuma says, not even lifting his eyes from the form he's working on. Can he tell who it is by the sound of the footsteps alone? Creepy.

"Y-yeah...sorry, Master."

Kazuma looks up at his son now, and Kyo can tell that he knows he should be mad, but doesn't quite know how to be. "Where were you?"

"Uh...eh?"

"Where were you? If you're hours late to work, I think I have a right to ask that question."

He really does have a right to ask, honestly. Plus he's Kyo's dad, and dads are nosy. So Kyo has absolutely no idea how to get out of this one. But then again...does he really need to lie about it? Tohru had asked him to stay with her, so it's not like he was being selfish...at least not in the kind of way he once was.

"I...was with Tohru."

Kazuma's eyebrows raise. "Excuse me?"

Kyo takes a deep breath to steady his nerves. "I was with Tohru. We've been talking again, and she asked me to stay over at her apartment last night."

"Oh? Just how long have you been talking again?"

Of course he'd latch onto that first.

"It wasn't like that! We just slept."

Kazuma smiles, and Kyo realizes that he had been baiting him. The two of them are still working on figuring out this whole father-son dynamic. It's gotten more natural, but there are definitely times when Kyo regresses back to not quite knowing his place.

Kyo blushes and scratches at the back of his neck awkwardly, and Kazuma releases him from his embarrassment by saying, "I'm happy for you."

"You are?" Kyo asks on instinct, but then decides to take the comment for what it is. Not everyone is out to sabotage him and look down on him, and especially not Kazuma. He knows that by now. "I mean, thanks. It's going well."

"Dating?"

"N-no. She's been seeing someone else, so…"

"Ah," Kazuma says plainly, then adds, "I don't see how that's going to work..."

"Huh?"

"You two were always so smitten with each other...I just can't see a friendship dynamic alone working too well. Are you still in love with her?"

Kyo takes a second to ponder these words, but in the end, he knows he doesn't actually need any time to think. "Of course," he says quietly.

"Then I wish you luck, and I'm here to help if you want me to."

"Are you...suggesting I try to take her away from this other guy?"

"No. I'm suggesting that the two of you do what feels natural, and I'm here to support you in any way I can."

Kyo rolls his eyes, but a sense of gratitude tugs at his heart, too, so he gives his thanks before leaving the room.

On the walk to the train station after work, Kyo calls Tohru. Just a handful of days ago, he'd worried about when it was proper to call or text her, but now he can't help himself—he left her house just five hours ago, but he wants to hear her voice.

He's so weak for her. And maybe that isn't quite as bad as he'd originally thought it to be.

"Hi," she says when she picks up.

"Hey, you. What's up? You with Asahi?"

There's a brief pause, then she just says, "No." She sounds confused, and Kyo's not quite sure what to make of that.

"Uh, 'kay. This might be weird since you just saw me and everything, but do you maybe...wanna go grab some dinner? I just left work and I can come get you."

"Mm, I'm halfway through cooking dinner. Do you, uh...would you like to come join me?"

"Wait, really?"

She giggles at how dumbfounded he sounds. "Of course. Unless you don't want to come here, for some reason. Even though you slept here last night."

And he knows she's teasing, and while that makes him almost deliriously giddy, the words also rub him the wrong way. Maybe he shouldn't be going into her apartment. That seems...dangerous, almost.

But again, Kyo can never say no to Tohru. The guys at school all used to call him whipped, and he supposes it's probably true. But he didn't ever mind, and he doesn't really now, either.

"N-no, um." He pauses and clears his throat after his voice cracks—fuck, what is he, twelve? "I do. I'll be right there."

"'Kay. See you soon."

When he gets up to her apartment, the door is ajar, and he can hear her walking around the kitchen, quietly singing some stupid pop love song he's heard on the radio recently. He smiles a bit at the sound. She's a horrible singer, incredibly off-tune, and no matter what she's singing, she never gets the words right. But damn, he's missed the sound anyway.

He knocks and pushes the door the rest of the way open. Tohru jumps and squeaks. "You really shouldn't leave your door open," he points out, coming in and closing it behind him. She blushes and turns away, back toward the stove.

"W-well, I was expecting you…"

"Yeah, but what if it hadn't been me just now?" He crosses the room, and when he's next to her, she turns and rolls her eyes dramatically at him. He raises an eyebrow. She's going to be Sassy Tohru tonight? Well, alright then.

"No one else wants to come into my apartment."

"I don't think you understand how robberies work."

She laughs airily, playfully nudging his elbow with his own. Tingles shoot up his arm at the touch, and he has to stop himself from jumping back reflexively. "Taste this?" she asks, holding out a spoon with some of the soup she's been making on it. "No chives, I promise."

"You remember that?" he asks absentmindedly, taking the spoon. "Mm, it's good."

For some reason he doesn't really understand, she looks a little hurt by that. "Of course I do."

Kyo panics for a second, trying to come up with a way to change the subject. The first thing that comes to mind ends up being blurted out immediately, and it makes the air feel even more awkward than it had before. "Isn't Asahi the one you should be cooking for?"

They're both quiet, bodies both stiff with tension. After a minute, Tohru says softly, "Did I not...wait, didn't I tell you?"

"Eh? Tell me what?"

"When he came over this morning, I broke things off with him."

"Huh? Why?"

She raises an eyebrow, and for a second, he thinks she's going to tell him to go fuck himself, that this isn't any of his business. And she'd have every right to do that. It's really not any of his business. It was an invasive question to ask.

She doesn't say anything for the longest time. They just stand there, Kyo staring at Tohru, and her looking anywhere but at his face.

"What if I told you that, uh…" she starts. He waits for her to continue, watching as she takes a shaky breath and turns to him.

"What?" he prompts. "You can tell me."

And he means it. He desperately wants her to feel like she can confide in him more. Though she's always been afraid to show her weak side to most people, Tohru's vulnerability has never scared him. In fact, it's always just made him fall for her more and more.

She takes a step closer. He almost steps back to make up for it, but that would definitely hurt her feelings and he doesn't want to do that again, so he keeps his feet glued in place. She touches his arm, and he can feel her fingers trembling. She's not being vulnerable right now...she's just being weird, and he doesn't know what to make of it.

She slides her hand up his arm, letting it linger on his shoulder. She's holding steady eye-contact with him now, even though her cheeks are heated. Kyo can't help but feel like she's trying to give him a hint about what she wants to say, but he really has no idea what the hell he's supposed to be gathering here.

After a minute, Tohru moves her hand up higher, to cup his jaw, then leans in a little.

What is she—?

Oh.

He figures out what she wants just milliseconds before she takes care of it herself.

Two years ago, Kyo kissed Tohru after she fell off the cliff. He's not sure she even remembers it, honestly—she'd been so out of it. It was just one kiss, nothing more than a short peck, really. He didn't even have his wits about him or enough time to really feel it. So, late at night now, when he sometimes remembers that moment, he always wonders what it would actually feel like to kiss her. To really kiss her—a kiss that she returns, that he can tell she wants, that hasn't come after a traumatic conversation and near-deadly injury.

And now he gets to find out. And he discovers that kissing Tohru Honda just feels right. It feels a lot like he's kissing the love of his life.

Notes:

I went back and named the chapters, and think I'll do that from now on. So far, they're all song titles. Here they are, if you're interested:
Chapter 1: "Two Ghosts" by Harry Styles
Chapter 2: "'tis the damn season" by Taylor Swift
Chapter 3: "Chasing California" by Oh, Weatherly
Chapter 4: "this is me trying" by Taylor Swift
Chapter 5: "Okay" by AS IT IS

Chapter 6: clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Summary:

As much as kissing Tohru feels natural and good and right, it also scares Kyo to death...Even so, he doesn't want to disappoint her, and this feels really good, so he doesn't want it to stop. Which means he has to not fuck it up any more than he probably already has.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

As much as kissing Tohru feels natural and good and right, it also scares Kyo to death. First, he is afraid it takes him too long to react—by the time he manages to shut his eyes and kiss her back, he's worried he was too slow and now he's fucked it up. But...Tohru's more experienced with romance than he is, and she caught him completely off-guard. What exactly did she think would happen?

Even so, he doesn't want to disappoint her, and this feels really good, so he doesn't want it to stop. Which means he has to not fuck it up any more than he probably already has.

Then, he remembers that he's not even sure he's a good kisser, but she keeps going, so he assumes she doesn't mind. She's moved closer so that their chests are pressed together now, and she still has a hand on his cheek. And then, oh god, his hands—what is he supposed to do with them? They're just hanging limply at his sides. He should touch her, right? Wrap his arms around her waist or something. He's very quickly reminded that he has absolutely no fucking idea what couples do when they kiss.

When she finally pulls back, he's afraid of what she's going to say, but she's just quiet. That's probably worse than if she'd just laughed at him and told him that was awful. Instead, after a second, she leans back in, and he swears he'll get it right this time. So he hyper focuses on what he does with his body, and he starts to think he's doing a better job this time around when he suddenly realizes something.

He has no idea why Tohru is doing this. Is she just lonely? She'd never take advantage of him like that intentionally, he's 100% sure of that. But Tohru's psyche is complicated—she sure as hell doesn't even understand herself most of the time. That's why in-love Kyo had dedicated much of his teenage life to figuring her out. Now, her past relationships haven't gone well. She dumped someone this morning. There's no way she's completely over everything that's happened. He needs to tell her that it's okay. She doesn't have to do this. She'll be fine without a boyfriend, and he'll be here to keep her company if she wants it. She doesn't have to kiss him to keep him around. He doesn't deserve her affection, either. He takes his hands off her waist and brings them to her shoulders, pushing gently.

"Wait, wait, wait. Tohru, wait."

"Mm?" She's pulled back, but not by much—their noses are touching, and he can feel her ragged breath fan out over his lips.

"Are you...are you sure you want to kiss me?"

"What are you talking about?" she asks. "I already did kiss you."

"I know, but I mean. If you don't want to keep doing it, you can stop. You don't have to do it more, if you regret it or something."

"Do you not want me to kiss you?"

"That's not it," he insists, and it's really not. But his head is foggy from her being so close, and he's not quite sure how to get his point across—that she has an out. He wouldn't be insulted if she decides to back away, say "that was a mistake" and kick him out of her apartment. He wouldn't think less of her for doing that. In fact, it would probably be the best decision she could make for herself. It would probably be best for her to stay away from him altogether.

She takes his face in her hands again. "Then stop talking," she breathes, and then she's kissing him again, and suddenly nothing else really matters anymore.

They only break apart for air when completely necessary, when shallow breaths stolen between kisses no longer become a viable option. Tohru steps back, fingers pressed against her temple. She's breathing hard, her cheeks and lips red. He can't help but stare at the beautiful disaster she's become. ~~That he's somehow made her.~~

"Sh...should we eat?" she asks, voice an octave higher than it usually is.

"...Huh?"

"The soup is probably ready. Are you hungry?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure…"

Based on the way she's not talking about what just happened, and the way she avoids his eyes as she hands him a bowl of soup, he's certain she regrets it. That's why he'd asked her if she wanted to stop—so this wouldn't happen, so she wouldn't freak out and then make everything weird between them. He doesn't know much about this stuff, but he really thinks that trying to salvage a friendship after one kiss is probably much easier than trying to salvage a friendship after a heated makeout session. It's just kind of common sense.

Part of him wants to leave it alone and wait for her to bring it up herself. She's the one who started this whole thing tonight, after all. But also…

He really doesn't want to lose her friendship again.

So he pushes down the urge to protect his already-bruised ego. Once they're sitting on the couch with their food, an awkward distance between them, he asks, "Tohru?"

"Is it not good?" she responds immediately.

"...What?"

"The soup. Is it not good?"

"N-no, it's really good. Can we forget about the soup for a second, though?" He reaches out and takes her bowl, setting them both on the coffee table.

And something in his voice must resonate with her, because she finally looks up at him. She's got an odd expression on her face, one that he knows means her mind is starting to go to a dark place, so he reaches over and takes her hand. It takes her a second to process, but once their fingers are locked together, she gives his hand a squeeze. She doesn't say anything, just keeps staring, so Kyo fills the silence.

There are a million different things he could say to get the conversation going, but he's feeling totally out of his realm, so the first thing that comes out is, "What's going on with you?"
He can tell she's trying to hold back tears, but she very quickly fails, and they start dripping from her long eyelashes down onto her cheeks.

"I love you," she chokes out. "I never...I never stopped loving you."

He has to look away. It's all too much. But he also doesn't let go of her hand. He can't do that to her again—leave her while she's confessing love—and he needs her to know that. He's staying. He squeezes her hand tighter.

He loves her too. He loves her so much. He never stopped loving her, either. But he knows he doesn't have the right to say that. Since he first met Tohru, he's been selfish and weak and pathetic, and he's destroyed her a million little times in a million different little ways...and then one big one. Someone like that doesn't have the right to tell Tohru Honda he loves her.

But...could he maybe earn that right? If they take it slow, and he works on himself, and he stops being the selfish idiot that turned her down two years ago? If she's willing to give him a second chance (or hundredth chance, really), is it selfish of him to take it?

Probably, but...

"Me too," he whispers. He still can't say it. But maybe that's close enough for a bit.

"Well, then...then…"

He looks at her again and his heart shatters. She's trembling, body wracked by sobs. On instinct, he reaches out and pulls her in, resting her head against his chest.

"Tohru," he coos, "it's okay. Look, it's okay, alright?"

She wraps her arms around him and locks her fingers into fists around the back of his t-shirt. "I just don't want to lose you again."

He wishes he could say something profound and comforting and romantic, but all he can do is press his nose into her hair and whisper, "You won't." And he just has to hope that's enough.

"Tohru."

She nuzzles her face into his chest and sniffles back the last remaining tears. She's worn herself out from crying. She has no idea how long she's been so hysterical now, but she knows that Kyo has held onto her the entire time, never letting go for even a second.

Just like she wishes he could've, would've, done that one night.

"Tohru, are you listening?"

She nods and lets out a whiny "mm-hmm." She's a little embarrassed about the sound, but after she'd jumped him in her kitchen and then broke down in front of him, it doesn't really even matter, right? He'd seen all the ugliest parts of her long before tonight, anyway.

"I'm not goin' anywhere. Okay? If you want to kiss, we can, and if you don't, then that's fine too. I'm not going to leave either way."

Tohru takes a second to consider that, then pulls back and looks up at him. He's smiling, but it's forced. He covers his hand with his sleeve and wipes at her cheeks.

"What do you want, Kyo-kun?" she sniffles.

"This isn't about me right now."

"Yes it is," she insists.

He sighs and lets his hand slip back out of his sleeve, then uses it to cradle her cheek. Instead of answering her, he just says gently, "You're beautiful."

"E-eh? No, I'm sure I look like a disaster right now!"

"Who said a disaster can't be beautiful?" he teases.

She laughs a little, shaking her head. "I really do love you, Kyo-kun."

"Me too," he says again, and the word choice strikes her as odd, just like it did the first time. But she knows that, if she tries to overthink it right now, it will wreck her. So she lets it go.

"H-hey…" he adds. He looks away, cheeks flushed, and she raises an eyebrow curiously. "Was I a totally awful kisser?"

"Huh?"

"I've never really kissed anyone before. Did I fuck it up?"

"No, of course not."

And that's the truth. She honestly hadn't been paying enough attention to comment on the competency of his technique, though—all she could even think about the entire time was how much she loves him, and the fact that she felt like maybe, just maybe, he loves her too. She's never gotten to kiss someone she's in love with and who loves her in return. Itsuki never loved her, not really. And she hadn't loved Asahi. It was a totally different experience with Kyo.

"Really? You can tell me if I sucked," he says, and he moves his eyes back to her, and his face is so earnest that she can't help but tease him a little, now that they're both feeling a bit better.

"Well…if you're that worried about it, we could always practice more."

"Uh…"

"What, are you scared?"

She expects him to get indignant and argue against her statement, like he would have at 18. But instead, with a completely straight face, he says, "Well, yeah."

For the hundredth time since she's started hanging out with Kyo again, she's reminded that two years is both an incredibly long time, and an incredibly short amount of time. For every single thing she discovers is the same about him, there's also something that's different about him.

"Of what?" she asks, done teasing now. She's genuinely curious, and she wants to know what she can do to make him not afraid. If they're going to kiss, it should be fun for him, not terrifying.

He hesitates for a second, then admits, "Disappointing you."

She crinkles up her nose in confusion. "You didn't disappoint me."

Kyo just nods a little. His eyes are dark in a way she recognizes all too well. "It's okay," she tells him, and he nods again, but she can tell it doesn't quite stop his mind from beginning to spiral. "Just...come here."

He obeys and scoots closer, and she sits up straighter. "You don't have to worry about disappointing me or not being good enough. You don't...have to be afraid of me, Kyo-kun."

His eyes widen, and he bites his lip, then leans forward and knocks his nose against hers affectionately. She laughs a bit, happy that the tension is at least starting to fade.

"Do you want to kiss me?" she asks.

"Yeah, of course."

She nods and makes a "go ahead" gesture with her hands. He chuckles.

"Okay, senpai," he says. "You're gonna have to teach me."

The reference to the summer they spent together at the Sohma beach house a few years ago unsettles her. On one hand, knowing he remembers makes her feel warm. But on the other, he's using it in a much different context, and it again reminds her of how much time has passed.

How long she's been without him.

"T-teach you what?"

"First, where do I put my hands?"

"Wherever you want," she says immediately, because she's not sure how else to answer that question.

"Tohru," he groans. "C'mon."

"Okay, okay. Uh…" She pauses, taking a second to really consider it. Where does she want to feel his hands? Everywhere, but…

She takes his wrist and moves his hand up to her cheek. He mirrors the movement with his other hand until he's holding her face. His touch is light, gentle, and it makes her tingle in a way she doesn't quite understand.
"I like this," she says quietly.

"Yeah? Okay. Then what now?" he murmurs back.

"I don't know. Just...do it. Don't think too much."

He nods and moves his face closer. She closes her eyes in anticipation, and after a second, she feels his lips against hers. Soft, warm, hesitant. Unlike it was in the kitchen, when it was clouded by passion and repressed feelings, hurried and rough. She lets him take the lead, and soon she's lying back against the couch, caged in by Kyo's body above her. When their lips separate, he rests his head against her shoulder.

"Hey...what are we now?" he asks.

She can't think about that right now. Her relationship with Kyo has always had many layers, always been complicated. Tonight is just taking that to a new level. She loves him. She wants to be with him. But she's also confused about how exactly he feels, and she can tell that he is, too. It wouldn't be fair to try and pin a label on things when he's like that.

"I don't know," she whispers.

"I don't either."

And for now, that's enough.

As much as he'd love to stay the night and get to just hold Tohru again, he knows Kunimitsu will pitch a fit if he's late again tomorrow. So after a few more hours, many more kisses, and a very awkward goodbye, he leaves and starts off toward the station. He looks down at his phone as he walks. It's only 9:45. Haru's definitely still up. How rude would it be to show up at his apartment uninvited and ask to talk right now?

Haru wouldn't care, but he seemed oddly firm about not wanting Rin and Kyo to run into each other, so he thinks better of it, just sending a text instead.

"I need to talk to you."

Haru responds right away. "What's up?"

"In person. You go to school tomorrow?"

"Nah, no classes tomorrow. Come over after you get off work."

Kyo confirms, and feels good about having a plan. As much as he hates touchy-feely conversations, he doesn't think he can work this out alone. The person he should really be talking to is Tohru, of course, but she doesn't seem to know what to think, either. So other than her, Haru's the most level-headed person in his life.

That's a scary thought.

After work the next evening, Haru is waiting outside his apartment, leaning against the stair railing and holding two beers.

"So what's up?" he asks by way of greeting. He holds out a beer. Kyo takes it, even though he knows he'll just end up giving it back again.

"She kissed me."

"She what?"

"You heard me," Kyo groans, plopping down onto the top step, just like last time. Haru settles in next to him.

"So she made the first move, huh." But he doesn't say it like a question, so Kyo's not really sure how to respond—luckily (or unluckily, really), Haru keeps talking. "Go, Honda."

"You're an idiot."

"What, did you not want to kiss her?"

"Of course I did. But I'm afraid things are gonna be...weird now."

"Why?"

"She kissed me, and then she cried. And then we made out more, and after...I asked her what we are now, and she said she didn't know. It was confusing."

"You're the idiot," Haru says dryly.

"Huh? Why?!"

"She was ballsy enough to come onto you and then you stopped things to ask what you are? You didn't even give her any time to really think."

"What's there to think about? She kissed me. Shouldn't she have had an idea of what she wanted to happen next?"

Haru shrugs and sips at his beer. "Girls are complicated."

"That's the only explanation you have?"

He shrugs again. "Well what do you want to happen next?"

Kyo sighs and takes a moment to think about that. What does he want? The first thought to come to mind is that he just wants her, but in what capacity? She seems willing to give him another chance, and she said she still loves him. So he's the only barrier left—he's standing in his own way.

But he doesn't feel like getting that deep with Haru right now, so he just mumbles, "I don't know."

Haru groans. "Hypocrite."

"Shut up."

"Just text her."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"'Cause I'm scared, okay?" He hates how loud and rough his voice gets. This isn't Haru's fault. But he can't help it. He pauses and runs a hand through his hair, trying to collect himself. "I don't deserve her," he adds, voice softer now.

He half expects Haru to make a joke about how he really doesn't deserve her, but instead, Haru just says, "Look. Yeah, you were an idiot two years ago, and you fucked up really badly. But it's obvious that she wants you back in her life, and that you want to be there, too. You guys have always been so crazy about each other...I think two people who are so in love should get to have each other, no questions asked."

Kyo sighs. He doesn't really believe in fate or destiny, or whatever you want to call it. But, if he did, he'd like to think that Tohru is his. "How can you go from saying such stupid stuff to something so wise-sounding?"

Haru brings his beer up to his lips, completely straight-faced. "It's a mystery."

"What're you doing here?"

The boys turn toward the bottom of the stairs to see Rin trudging up them. She's in her work uniform, so she must just be getting home, and she doesn't look too thrilled to see Kyo. Kyo glances at Haru sidelong—after previously insisting that he and Rin don't see each other, he expects some sort of reaction. But Haru's expression doesn't change at all.

"I live here," he says, feigning hurt.

"Not you," Rin groans. "What, stop by for a beer?" she asks once she's up the stairs.

"Uh…" Kyo mumbles.

"We all know you don't drink. So give it here." She gestures to Kyo's can, which he hasn't even opened. He can't argue with her logic, and frankly doesn't even want to try, so he gives it to her and watches as she pops it open and takes a long swig from it.

"What kind of fucking day did you have at work?" he asks, both concerned and impressed by the way she downs two thirds of the beer in one go.

"I work in customer service right now, so what do you think?"

"Fair enough."

"So really, what're you doing here?"

"Kyo came to ask for some of my wisdom," Haru says, honestly sounding a little proud

Rin raises an eyebrow. "You'd be better off asking me."

"She's mean to me, but she loves me," Haru tells Kyo, and Kyo just shakes his head and rolls his eyes in response.

"Nah, I think I should just get going," Kyo says, standing.

Haru rushes to give Rin a very brief, vague rundown of the situation before Kyo can escape. "A girl kissed him and he doesn't know how to talk to her anymore."

Rin snorts out a laugh. "Sounds about right for him." Kyo flips her off, which just makes her laugh again. "But seriously, just go talk to her."

"Helpful," Kyo says.

"If she kissed you, she cares about you, right? So she wants to know how you feel. Just tell her."

Well...surprisingly helpful. "What if I don't know how I feel?" he asks.

"Well, then, figure it out."

"Yeah," Kyo mumbles and starts down the stairs, raising a hand over his shoulder in an awkward wave.

Despite her harsh demeanor, Rin means well. He knows that. He also knows that she loves Tohru fiercely, so if she knew who they were talking about, she never would have given that advice. It probably would have been more along the lines of, "Stay the fuck away from her."

And for a bit, maybe that's what he needs to do.

Just until he figures himself out.

It turns out, trying to figure yourself out is a miserable process. Kyo has always known a few things about himself, though they all came from the mouths of others—he's hotheaded, unwanted by most, an airhead. But none of those things are going to be productive to take into a conversation with Tohru. So he's left trying to determine what he thinks of himself now, and how that might fit into Tohru's life. And that's hard, and really really lonely.

Because he doesn't think anything positive of himself. He is hotheaded, unwanted by most, and an airhead. Adding to that, he's also selfish and weak and a coward. Those qualities had cost him Tohru once, and they're about to do the same now.

That's it.

At Haru's the other day, he'd realized that he's standing in his own way. And that's how: He's standing in his own way by holding on to what he did in the past. Tohru wants to just move forward. Shouldn't that be what he wants, too? No, it is what he wants, too.

He wants to hold her again. He wants to kiss her more, and take her on fun dates, and someday move in with her and get married and maybe have kids. All of these things involve leaving the past behind.

So he makes a list for himself. A list of things that he needs to start doing, in order to earn the right to a place in Tohru's life.

He needs to be braver—if he has something on his mind, he should just say it, instead of getting anxious and cold, and letting the thought create a rift between them. He needs to be more generous—he's always gone out of his way to give Tohru what she wants, but there were certain things he just couldn't do before; he absolutely needs to do them now. He needs to be smarter and stronger and just better.

He actually writes these things down on a post-it note, too, because he heard from Kagura years ago that writing things you want down attracts good energy from the universe or whatever. And then he gets dressed, a little more nicely than he usually does, and he walks to the station.

Because he knows what he needs to do, and that's use his new-found bravery to apologize and confess before it's too late.

Notes:

Hi, lovelies. 🥰I know you were hoping for something a little happier, he next chapter will be fluff, so stick with me? Lol.
Chapter title: "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan
Also: reminder that I don't really respond to comments on here because I'm an awkward bean, but I read all of them and they all mean so much to me.💕

Chapter 7: so kiss me

Summary:

"Her one coping mechanism, as unhealthy as it may be, is apparently no match for her love for Kyo."

Notes:

Sorry, this took a bit longer than I would have liked! I hope you find it worth the wait.
Also, I know some of you were confused about a part of the last chapter, but I promise I'll explain. 🥰
Chapter title from "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Richer.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

They don't see each other again the next day. Or the next, or the next. Kyo doesn't even text her. Tohru knows she could just put aside her pride and text him herself, but whenever she opens her phone to his contact, her fingers shake.

It feels kind of like when he turned her down the first time, but also completely different. The pain is unique, because he just kissed her and held her and said he wasn't going to leave her again. And now he hasn't reached out. It's a whole new level of rejection.

But one thing Tohru has always been good at is avoiding reality. If she just pretends that everything is okay, just doesn't think about it and keeps trudging along, then the problem may as well not exist at all.

So she tries to forget about it for the time being. She focuses on work and taking care of her apartment, and…

Well, none of it helps. So that's just great. Her one coping mechanism, as unhealthy as it may be, is apparently no match for her love for Kyo.

So on Friday night, after her last day of work for the week, she sits on her couch in her pajamas, bundled up in a fuzzy blanket with the TV on and a mug of steaming tea between her palms. If that doesn't relax her, nothing will, she figures. There's not much on, so she settles for some reality TV show based on something from America, where people get married without seeing each other first. As soon as she finally starts to get into it a little, someone knocks at her door.

It's dark out, and Tohru's trying to be more mindful of keeping herself safe like Kyo had suggested, so she calls through it instead of just throwing it open like she usually might. "Who is it?"

"It's me."

Her heart rate increases wildly at the sound of that voice—it's almost ridiculous, honestly, the sudden spike in her pulse. She's not quite sure how to react. He'd let her kiss him and confess her love to him, and then left and ignored her for days. Tohru knew he was confused. That's why she'd tried to avoid a heavy conversation that night. But...she'd also hoped that he would come by again, maybe the next day, so they could talk it out. She'd really hoped they'd gotten to a point where they could do that.

Half of her is mad, but the other half of her wants to forget it and poke fun at him like she used to be able to: "How am I supposed to know for sure?" and he'd say, "Idiot, you know my voice" in return. But she doesn't really have the energy, and isn't quite sure how well it would go over anyway, so she just opens the door and thankfully comes face to face with who she'd assumed was on the other side. But she still isn't quite able to process it.

"You're...here?" she asks, then immediately bites her lip because that was just about the stupidest thing she could have possibly said.

"Yeah. I'm here," he confirms. He runs a hand through his hair, and when he does that, as disconcerted as Tohru feels, she still can't help but think how handsome he is, as well. "Listen, I…" He sighs, unsure of himself, and takes a step forward, then folds Tohru up in his arms. Her eyes widen in surprise, but she manages to wrap her arms around his shoulders in return. He squeezes her waist lightly. "I'm sorry," he says. "I—"

But he doesn't need to explain, not really, so she cuts him off. "Me too. I'm sorry."

He shakes his head. "Why do you always take the blame for me?"

"This was my fault, too. I wanted to see you, but I didn't do anything about it either."

Kyo doesn't answer that directly. He just kisses the side of her neck once, then straightens up and lets her go.

"Do you want to come in?" she asks. He nods and follows her, his eyes wandering over to the TV as he does so.

"What the hell are you watching?" he asks, eyebrows raised.

"I...really don't know."

"Well, uh...how would you feel about turning it off and coming on a date with me, instead?"

"A date?"

"Yeah. You...you deserve more than how we finished the night off last time. So I wanna take you on a date. I-if that's okay, I mean!"

Tohru just stares at him for a second, so he fills the silence. "What, you too invested in this crap?" he asks, gesturing toward the TV.

She giggles, biting her lip to stifle the sound a bit, in an attempt to play things cool. "No. A date with you sounds much better."

He smiles, and her heart jumps into her throat at the sight. She swallows it back down and heads toward her bedroom. "I'll get dressed."

"'Kay."

She closes the bedroom door behind her and leans back against it. Their first date. Why is she so nervous? It's Kyo. Everything has always come so naturally with him, so why would a date be any different? She has no reason to be an anxious mess. Even so…

Isn't it kind of good that she's nervous, maybe? That just means that this matters to her, right? So she takes a deep breath and heads to her closet, and then takes way too long to pick out an outfit, allowing herself to feel like any girl would on a first date—even though she's known and loved this man for years. When she makes it back out into the living room, Kyo is on the couch, eyes fixed on the TV.

"This is kinda addictive, somehow," he says when he hears her come back in. Then he turns to look at her, and his eyes go wide, his cheeks red. "You...you look really pretty."

In the end, she'd settled on something simple to wear, so she's not really sure what he sees. But that doesn't matter. Because she loves the way he's blushing at her, the shy smile he gives, and the way he looks kind of like he's resisting the urge to cross the room and just kiss her senseless.

"Thank you."

"You ready?" She nods. "Where do you wanna go?" He asks, standing up.

"It's our first date and you're not going to pick?" she asks, tone playful.

"Hmm…" he murmurs, putting his shoes on as she works on turning off the TV and lamps. "Wanna stay in and watch whatever this is all night?"

"Kyo-kun."

"Kidding. I have something in mind."

"What is it?"

"Why would I tell you? You're just gonna have to wait and see."

She fake-pouts, but he just smiles and shakes his head at her as they head down the stairs together.

They get off the train near the Imperial Palace grounds, and when Kyo starts to lead her that way, Tohru raises an eyebrow curiously.

"You ever been here?" he asks.

"Mm...maybe when I was little, but I don't remember. Have you?"

"Nah. But I thought it would be fun to come today. They're doing a festival for the cherry blossoms."

"Oh! It's time for cherry blossom festivals already?"

Kyo chuckles. "Look up."

And she does, and the sky is clouded by tree branches and their accompanying baby-pink petals swaying in the wind.

"Do you not go out to look at the cherry blossoms every year?" he asks.

She shakes her head. After living in Tokyo her entire life, the cherry blossoms each year have sort of lost their novelty, even though she loves nature so much—it's just a time with lots of tourists making the streets extra-busy and getting conned into wasting money on overpriced foods.

"Really?" He sounds surprised. "That just seems like such a you thing to do."

Tohru smiles a little. "I guess I've changed a little."

He's quiet after that, and when she looks over to him, his jaw is tight, lips set in a straight line. She can't quite tell what he's thinking, and she doesn't know how to feel about that.

After a moment, his features relax again, though, and he says, "So...theoretically, if I wanted to hold your hand, how should I go about that?"

"...Huh?"

"How am I supposed to initiate that sorta thing? Like, do I ask? Or do I just go for it?"

The tension of a minute ago forgotten, then, Tohru smiles a bit, then bites her lip so he doesn't see it and assume she's calling him out as an idiot.

He doesn't need to…

"You don't have to be afraid, Kyo-kun," she reminds him. "It's just me."

"Yeah, okay. In that case…" His cheeks are red, but he reaches over and takes her hand, locking their fingers together. It feels like her heart melts, just turns to complete goo, and she's not sure how she's even still alive after such a phenomenon. She can't move, can't react for a second. But then he squeezes her palm, and suddenly it feels like the most natural thing in the world. She squeezes back.

"I have to admit, this festival looks pretty fun," she says once they've made it through the gates and into the main area. Booths are lined up all over, little kids are running around in kimonos shrieking and playing, and the breeze carries hints of cherry blossoms and fried foods. Maybe it isn't all just a big tourist trap. Maybe...she just hasn't come before because she's had no one to do it with.

"Yeah, it does. Do you wanna eat something?"

She nods enthusiastically, and he laughs. "No dinner yet? You gotta take care of yourself, dope." But then his own stomach growls, and it's Tohru's turn to laugh.

"I could say the same to you," she giggles.

"Shuddup," he mumbles, but there's no bite to it. "Hey...can we sit and talk for a minute first, actually?"

"Of course."

He squeezes her hand again and leads her toward a bench. Once they're sitting, he turns toward her and takes her other hand, too.

"I'm sorry," he says softly.

"Really, it's—"

He shakes his head, cutting her off. "No, it's not. I was being a coward, and selfish. I should have told you how I was feeling. But I was scared. Scared that I don't deserve you, and that I should just stay away from you because of that. But I love you. I loved you back then, and I still love you now. I love you so much that it terrifies me sometimes, and I want to be with you. If...if you still want me, too."

Tohru can't breathe. Her chest and throat are tight, and she can't see past the tears swimming in her eyes. This can't possibly be happening.

This is exactly what she wanted back then. She wanted him to hold her hand and say something like this, because she knew that he was scared, but she was also convinced that he didn't actually love her. But now...he's telling her that he does, that he did then, too, and that he's never stopped.

"O-of course I do," she chokes out, and the tears fall and she still can't breathe, and it hurts but it also feels like such a relief.

He lets her just cry for a minute, never letting go of her hands, his thumbs drawing idle shapes against her knuckles. Then he asks, "Can I kiss you?"

Tohru giggles through her tears. "You don't need to ask for permission."

So he leans forward and lets go of her hands, opting to hold her cheeks instead, and he kisses her, and she manages to think about how good it feels before she completely loses herself to it.

When he pulls back, he mumbles, "So, uh. Was that better?"

She laughs again and wipes at her eyes. "I told you, you were never bad at it in the first place."

"Mm...I'll take your word for it, I guess. But if you're not being honest, you'd better tell me. I'm the only person you're gonna kiss for the rest of your life, so you have to like doing it."

She has to bite her tongue, hard, to keep herself from crying again.

"No more crying, please," he says softly. She opens her mouth to protest—say that she's not, she's just fine. But he cuts her off with another kiss, and she knows that she's a goner at that point.

"So," he says after, reaching over and drying her eyes as she tries to get ahold of herself. "Let's have some fun. What d'you wanna eat?"

Tohru sniffles a little but immediately says, "Dango."

Kyo smiles. She sort of expects him to point out that hanami dango is a dessert, and they've just established that she hasn't eaten yet. But instead, he just says, "Dango it is, then."

They find a booth selling it and Kyo makes Tohru hang back while he buys some. He probably thinks he's being sneaky and keeping her from seeing the price so she doesn't protest about him paying, but she's not blind and can read the sign, so it doesn't matter—she's not going to complain anyway, though, not when he looks so utterly thrilled to be carrying back two sticks of dango.

"This stuff's crazy," he says. "There's so much of it, and it's like...pretty somehow."

"Have you never had hanami dango before?" she asks, taking her stick. Then she pops up on her tiptoes and plants a kiss to the tip of his nose. "Thank you."

He blushes, but tries to act natural. "N-no problem. And nah, do I seem like the kinda guy who would come to one of these festivals at all?"

She shrugs and bites into the top piece, then covers her mouth with her palm as she answers. "You're here now."

"Only because of you," he points out, and now she's the one with a red face.

They sit side-by-side on the grass, back from the actual festival, with their shoulders pressed together as they eat their food. Kyo finishes long before she does, and once he does, he suddenly gasps dramatically and points off into the distance. "Look at that!"

She moves her head to follow his finger with her eyes, but finds nothing of interest, then turns back around to see him stealing a bite of dango from her. She smacks his shoulder playfully, and he tries not to laugh with a mouthful of food, and it's the most adorable thing she's ever seen.

"Hey, guess what," she tells him. He swallows and shakes his head, telling her that he doesn't know what exactly he's supposed to be guessing about. She gives up on the little game, leans in closer, and just tells him outright, instead: "I love you."

His eyes widen, and she remembers back to a few nights ago, when she'd said that to him in her living room. How confused, how terrified he seemed. How he asked what they were. And now, they still haven't explicitly defined their relationship, and she's probably scared him again. She's probably just completely blown it. But before she can even try to backtrack, he's kissing her again.

"I love you too," he mumbles against her lips, and her concern turns to relief. She kisses him back deeply, even though they're in public and surrounded by people and it's probably inappropriate to hang all over each other like this. Because when she's with him, she can't really feel the eyes of strangers on her; they just don't matter anymore.

She thinks that, from now on, she'll probably always kiss him back, no matter the situation. Because she loves him.

When he stands and offers her a hand, she takes it and lets him pull her up and then off across the grass back toward the booths.

And she thinks that, from now on, she'll probably always take his hand, always follow him wherever he tries to lead her. Because she really loves him so much.

Back at Tohru's apartment later, they sit on her couch and kiss. A lot. They've turned the stupid TV show back on, but despite Kyo's (partly) teasing interest in it earlier, he's now much more fascinated with how sweet she tastes, the way she gasps a little when he moves his hand downward and squeezes her thigh, and how she tugs at his hair in appreciation.

But when they finish—when their lungs burn and their lips tingle and their heads are spinning—they lie down on the couch together and actually watch the show. Kyo is behind her, the big spoon, and she has her back pressed into his chest. Her breathing is still a little erratic, and he kisses the top of her head in a feeble attempt to relax her.

"Are you tired?" he asks.

"No," she says simply, then glances over her shoulder at him. His nerves get the best of him, and he pretends that he can't read her expression. Kyo may be inexperienced and anxious, but he's not stupid—he can see the fact that she's a bit turned on written all over her face. And while part of him selfishly wants to acknowledge that he did that to her and see what else he might be able to do, that part loses to his self-consciousness and sense of propriety.

"Do you want me to stay?" he adds. Her cheeks flush, and she bites her lip.

"If you don't mind sleeping here tonight."

"Would I have offered if I minded?"

She giggles a little and turns back around, pressing herself against him even harder. "I guess not."

He's not quite sure when they fall asleep, but Kyo wakes up the next morning to an odd, feather-light touch on his cheeks. When he opens his eyes, he comes face to face with Tohru, and she's close, her lips pressing soft kisses all over his cheeks. Despite being woken up in a sort of startling way, he doesn't feel anything but warm.

"Dork," he says, then clears his throat to try and get rid of the morning-raspiness. "What're you doing?"

Tohru grins and snuggles a little closer to him. "Waking you up," she says innocently.

"Eh? Why? Trying to kick me out?"

Her grin turns to a fake-pout, and he drapes his arm across her waist and kisses her forehead in "apology."

"Because I missed you."

"Well I'm right here," he tells her, moving his lips down to kiss the tip of her nose, then down even further to her own mouth.

"Good," she says after they separate. "You'll stay?"

"As long as you want."

"Well…" she mumbles, then presses a hand to her mouth as she yawns. "I have to meet Uo-chan for lunch today."

"'Kay. When?"

"12:30."

He reaches to the coffee table and taps his phone screen, prompting it to display the time. "Well it's 11. You've never been too good with time, huh?" he teases.

Tohru pouts again. "I'm always on time!"

"Sure, okay. But if you don't go get ready, today might end that streak."

"I don't want to leave you, though."

He chuckles. "I'll walk you there, if you want. Then we can meet back up after."

"Really? You'd do that?"

"Yeah?" he says, honestly a little confused about why she'd even ask that—does he seem like he wants to leave her, either? Probably not, with the way he has their legs tangled together and is holding her so tightly...but that's Tohru for you, he guesses.

"Thank you, I'd love that!"

He kisses her cheek. "Okay. Well let's get going."

She lends him an extra toothbrush, and he stands with her in the bathroom as she puts on a little makeup. This almost feels like they're…

He shakes his head to clear the thought, rinses out his mouth, and then splashes his face to try and cool down his cheeks.

"How often do you see Uo?" he asks once they've made it off the train. He's holding her hand again. He doesn't ever want to stop, now that he'd worked up the courage to do it once.

"Every Saturday, at least."

"Oh yeah? I'm glad you guys are still close."

"Me too! We do miss Hana-chan, though."

"Where'd she go, anyway?"

"The United States. She met some guy online and went over since he lives there."

"Weird. I didn't really think Hanajima would be the type to meet someone online. Or...anyone in general."

"Kyo-kun."

"Sorry, sorry."

She squeezes his hand and pulls him to a stop. "This is far enough."

"Don't want me running into Uo?" he teases, but judging by the uncomfortable look on her face, he's hit the nail right on the head. He'll have to ask her about that later, but for now he just changes the subject. "I'll go hang out in the little park over there, 'kay? Call me when you're done."

He bends down to kiss her forehead, and she leans into his touch. "'Kay," she parrots back.

They separate and she turns around to walk the rest of the way to the cafe. Kyo's chest stings. He knows he's not watching her walk away for the last time. He knows he'll see her later, in just a couple hours. He'll get to hold her and kiss her and talk to her more in just a couple hours. But for some reason, he can't get rid of the nagging idea that he needs to tell her something else, just in case.

"Tohru!" he calls. She pauses and turns back toward him. "I love you!"

She stays frozen for a beat, but then smiles and blows him a kiss. He laughs a little at the silly gesture.

Yeah, that's better. He needs to tell her he loves her every time they part now, he's decided.

Just in case.

Notes:

So, 花見 (hanami) is the name for the cherry blossom season in Japan. 花 = flower, 見 = watch. There's this really sweet, pretty dango that they make specifically for hanami, so if you haven't seen it, you should definitely look up a picture of it 😌

Chapter 8: 'cause I'm in love with you

Summary:

"Yeah, he'd made a list of the things he needs to get better at in order to deserve Tohru, sure. But never once on that list had he written that he needs to be gentler, less impulsive. He's realizing that that's a big thing to have left off."

Notes:

Hi! I hope you enjoy, lovelies. 🥰
ALSO, I upped the rating to M. I don't see it getting any more intense than it is now, but I feel like I've been borderline between T and M the whole time, so. Better safe than sorry.
Chapter title from "Fall to Pieces" by Avril Lavigne.
POSSIBLE TW: brief slut shaming language

Chapter Text

One block.

Tohru has a block to prepare herself to see Uo-chan.

It's not enough time.

Her legs are shaking, and she's honestly worried her knees might give out. She knows she should come up with a plan about what to say, about how to plead her case, but she can't even think clearly. So she feels herself resorting back to her default state of mind: just smile and be cheerful, and everything else will fall into place. Probably.

When she opens the door to the cafe, Uo's in their usual spot, and she waves Tohru over.

"Hey."

"Hi, Uo-chan!" Tohru forces herself to chirp out.

Too much? Uo knows her too well for this. Tohru's already convinced she'll see right through her. But...would that really be such a bad thing? If starting to see Kyo again has taught her anything, it's that there are times when holding all your cards close to your chest does you no good.

Uo raises an eyebrow, but doesn't say anything about Tohru's tone. They exchange small talk like they always do, sharing horror stories from work that week and chatting about fun things they're looking forward to. Kureno is coming into town next weekend to see Uo, and Tohru shares in her joy. Talking about a Sohma might be a good segway…

Maybe, just maybe, Uo will share in her joy, too.

But as soon as Tohru opens her mouth to say it, Uo says, "Hey, so Asahi told me things didn't work out."

"Oh, uh...no, they didn't."

"What happened? Really just no spark, huh?"

Deep breaths.

"W-well, actually...I started seeing someone else. Maybe. Sort of."

Uo hums in obvious surprise. "Yeah? Well, details, please."

"Okay, uh...so...he makes me happy," she blurts, then mentally curses herself—just saying his name and getting it over with would be so much easier. But she digs her heels in, hoping it will give her even a second longer to prepare herself. "And he's kind to me. And he's smart, and hardworking, and thoughtful."

"Sounds good so far." Uo sips at her water, then makes a "go on" gesture.

"He's also someone you know."

"Okay, now this is so vague that it's getting a little weird. What's his name?"

Tohru chews at her lower lip. Even after the extra time she bought herself with that buildup, she's not ready. Briefly, she considers lying just to settle her nerves. She knows she's gotten good at that lately. She might be able to pull it off. Then there's always next week to tell her the truth. But...is that really the person she wants to be? The kind who lies to her best friend, lies to everyone else about her feelings?

No. She wants to be better. Kyo makes her want to be better than she has been recently.

"I started sort of seeing Kyo-kun."

A thick silence sits around the table. Tohru wants to run and hide. She'd rather die than disappoint anyone, especially someone she loves so dearly. But she knows she can't. No lying, no running away. It wouldn't be right.

"Are you kidding?" Uo asks finally.

"No."

"Tohru," she groans, "you seriously gave up a good guy for someone who totally destroyed your trust? Right after we agreed it would be better not to?"

"Uo-chan, I love him."

"Are you sure?"

"What?"

"Are you sure you still love him, or do you just feel like he's 'the one who got away' or whatever?"

Tohru feels her willpower start to crumble. What's the point in arguing her case when Uo's clearly already decided the outcome her end of the conversation will have? She clenches her fists on her lap under the table. The feel of her nails digging into her palms grounds her enough to be able to speak up again.

"Why is it that you think Asahi is such a good person?" she asks, fighting to keep her voice steady. "You only know him from work."

"Well he's already treated you better than Sohma did."

"How so?"

"Well, Asahi didn't abandon you after you fell off a cliff, for one. And he's not the kind of guy that ever would, either."

"Well, if you like him so much, maybe you should just date him yourself!" Tohru shoots back, then smacks a palm across her mouth. Not only was that childish, it was also just mean.

Where did it come from? The feeling bubbling up in her chest is strange. She knows how to identify it when other people are exhibiting signs of it, but it's usually much harder to pin down on herself, after a life of being docile to live up to the expectations of others. But right now, she understands it almost instantly—she's angry. This is the person who's supposed to have her back, and instead Uo is just trying to talk her out of her feelings. It almost feels like a betrayal, and after knowing Uo for so long, it's a devastating blow to realize that.

Uo just stares at her for a minute, face blank, then says, "Wow. You're mad."

And...Tohru figures that, since she's already snapped, she might as well own up to it. "Yes."

"I...kinda like seeing you mad, you know," Uo laughs.

"...Huh?"

"You don't get mad much, so when you do...well, that's how I can tell something's really important to you."

Tohru honestly can't remember the last time she got mad around Uo-chan, and wonders if she ever actually has. But then again, this is the person who knows her best; Uo's probably always been able to see what Tohru feels, even when she doesn't quite understand it herself.

"O-oh…" she mumbles, still a little taken aback by the route this all has ended up taking.

"Tell me this, at least—has he changed?"

Tohru takes a second to seriously consider how to word her response to that. Kyo still has a lot of growing to do, but so does she; they can grow together. But even more important than that…

"He doesn't run away anymore," Tohru says.

Uo nods a little. "And you're safe and happy?"

"Yes. I really am. I just...don't want you to be disappointed in me." And then she's crying, her face buried in her hands to try and hide the sudden onslaught of tears. The next thing she knows, Uo is at her side, arms wrapped around her shoulders.

"Hey, never. I'm sorry...I didn't ever mean to make you feel like I'm disappointed in you."

"I-it's okay."

"Listen, I'm always in your corner, alright? If it works out, then I'm happy for you. And if it doesn't, well...then I'll be here to help you start over again, because I love you."

"You're the best, Uo-chan," Tohru squeaks out, moving her hands away so she can look at her friend.

"Nah," Uo says, then stands up and heads back over to her seat. Tohru can see that she's sad, maybe even a little ashamed about how she'd acted. But it's really okay now. They're okay.

"So, how'd this happen, anyway?" Uo asks.

Tohru smiles a bit, wipes at her eyes, and recounts the story of making soup for Kyo and then just kissing him. They laugh about how spontaneous that was ("You're usually so anal, Tohru!"), and talk about their first date, and how they haven't put a label on anything yet.

"Why not? Aren't you guys like, dating? It sounds like it to me."

"I hope so."

"So why don't you just tell him that?"

"Because, I…" she starts, then pauses in hesitation.

Tohru's going to sound like a hypocritical idiot if she says what she's thinking. Even though she just said that Kyo doesn't run away anymore, he's obviously had a track record of doing that. Any time something spooked him, he would take off. It caused trouble not only for him, but also for everyone else around him. Tohru doesn't want to lose him again.

"I don't want to scare him off again," she finishes, voice a whisper.

"I get it."

"You do?"

"Well, yeah. You wanna get it right this time. So, I don't think there's any shame in taking it slow for a while. Besides, who needs labels? We're not in high school anymore."

Tohru laughs lightly. "True. Although, I do remember a certain someone getting annoyed when Kureno said the same thing a couple years ago."

Uo groans and slumps back in her chair theatrically. "I was so dramatic back then."

"Then?"

"Can it!" Uo laughs.

It had been terrifying, trying to speak her truth just now. But, now that she's done it, she feels powerful. And Uo had been on her side, after all.

So nothing's quite as scary anymore. And that's a really good feeling.

Kyo's been on this bench for what feels like a lifetime now. He keeps dozing off. He and Tohru spent a lot of the night cuddling and talking, and as fantastic as that was, he'd also ended up sleeping on her couch. That doesn't really make for good rest. He knows he'll probably end up spending the night again tonight, and he really wants to. But, after she'd seemed so ashamed about having a guy in her bed just recently, he also doesn't want to ask to go anywhere near her bedroom. He doesn't want her to be embarrassed or feel any pressure. She'll invite him in there when she's ready, he figures. So for now, the couch it is.

Kyo jerks his head up again, for the upteenth time. He doesn't like to make a habit of drinking coffee, but if he doesn't ingest some caffeine immediately, he thinks he's going to actually pass out on this park bench. He honestly has no idea how long he's been out here, but he's sure Tohru and Uo won't be done for a while still, so he's got time. He stands up and meanders out of the park in search of a convenience store or vending machine, and when he sees a shop just down the street, he heads that way.

"Welcome in," a voice calls from behind the counter.

Kyo doesn't pay much attention, just nods in the direction of the employee and makes his way to the cool cases of drinks. He picks up some iced-coffee-something-or-another and sets it on the counter.

"Oh," the employee says.

Kyo looks up and meets eyes with Asahi.

Asahi's existence doesn't exactly make Kyo's blood boil or anything, but he's definitely not Kyo's favorite person, either. Because ever since Kyo met him at Tohru's a bit ago, all he can do when he comes up in conversation is think about that. About the two of them in her bed, Tohru under him and making those same little gasps that she lets out when Kyo kisses her, but probably even louder because, well—

No use in being jealous over it.

"Oh. Hey, man," Kyo says back, then hurries to dig in his back pocket for his wallet. As little conversation as possible, please.

"300 yen. How's Tohru?"

Kyo slides a 500 yen bill across the counter. "Good."

Asahi's quiet as he hands back Kyo's change. Just as Kyo turns to leave, starting to think that this interaction had been easy (almost too easy, maybe), Asahi asks, "You two together yet?"

Shit.

Kyo pauses and turns back toward the counter. "No," he says, because no matter how bitter the word tastes, it's the truth. They're not really together. They're on their way there, maybe...probably. But for now, they're whatever this is—whatever it means for them to kiss until they're dizzy, and for him to sleep at her house, and for them to brush their teeth side by side in the morning.

"Really? Huh."

Asahi's tone makes Kyo feel like he's being baited.

And for some reason, he bites.

"What's that mean?"

"She seemed totally into you. And it just seems like she's the type to go fast."

"Fast?"

Asahi chuckles, but it sounds a little bitter. "You know."

Kyo takes a step closer. "No, I don't. Or I wouldn't have asked.'

Asahi clicks his tongue before speaking, almost like he's reluctant to have to say it outright. "She slept with me on the second date."

That's it? That's what this moron is going on about?

"So?"

"So, Tohru seems kind of easy, is all I'm saying."

Kyo can't remember the last time he wanted to punch someone this badly. But the idea of going to pick up Tohru with bruised and swollen knuckles and seeing a look of horror on her face isn't exactly to his liking. He should just walk out. It's what Tohru would want. She'd tell him not to worry about her reputation. But still, despite knowing all that, he reaches across the counter, grabs the collar of Asahi's shirt, and yanks him closer.

"If you're gonna say stuff like that, keep her name out of your fucking mouth."

For a guy as skinny as Asahi is, Kyo's surprised that he doesn't seem fazed in the slightest. "Eh? It's not like I minded, clearly. It's just the kind of girl she is, I guess. It's whatever"

"She can do whatever she wants. If she wants to have sex with someone on the second date, it doesn't matter. And if you slept with her after the second date, doesn't that make you just as 'easy' as she is, jackass?" Kyo forces out from between ground teeth.

He lets go, giving a little shove as he does so . Asahi stumbles back a few steps before catching himself. Kyo turns back to the door, and without even looking back says, "Stay away from her, or I'll make your life hell. Got it?"

When he finally makes it outside, he turns the corner in a hurry and literally runs into Tohru. She squeaks and stumbles, and he grabs her arm to keep her upright.

"Hey, you."

"Hi, Kyo-kun! I was looking for you. I didn't see you in the park, so…"

"Ah, yeah. Sorry. Came to get this." He holds up the bottle of coffee. Tohru tilts her head to the side in curiosity as she reads the label.

"Ooh, that sounds good! I think I'll go buy one, too."

"Wait," he blurts, grabbing onto her hand. His voice trembles a little bit. He hopes she didn't notice, but he can tell by the look on her face that she did. "You...you can just have this one."

He holds out the coffee, her watching him with those big beautiful eyes of hers, eyes that are full to the brim with worry right now. He hates it.

She takes the coffee, then sets it down on the ground. Once she straightens back up, she grabs both of his hands. She clings to them, like they're her lifeline. Or maybe, like she's his lifeline.

"You're shaking, Kyo-kun," she says softly. He lowers his eyes to the ground. She's quiet, waiting for him to say something, but he doesn't know where to start. So he just lets her hold his hands, and he counts the cracks in the sidewalk they're standing on to distract himself.

He's embarrassed. Ashamed might be a better word. He doesn't want to be the kind of boyfriend who gets jealous over exes. Tohru had loved other people before this, and that's fine. It really is. It would be selfish to try and ignore, or erase, that part of her past.

And really, as much as he thought he'd been "defending Tohru's honor" or whatever, back there in the convenience store...that's so stupid. Who is he kidding? Tohru doesn't need that shit. She doesn't need him to be a knight in shining armor. She's always been her own knight, and she can slay any dragons herself.

"I just love you," he murmurs. "So much."

"I love you too."

Kyo forces himself to meet her eyes. Yeah, he'd made a list of the things he needs to get better at in order to deserve Tohru, sure. But never once on that list had he written that he needs to be gentler, less impulsive. He's realizing that that's a big thing to have left off.

"Do you want to go back to my apartment?" Tohru asks. He nods. She doesn't let go of his hand as she bends down to pick up the drink. She doesn't let go of it on the way to the station, or on the train, or on the walk back to her apartment. She just never lets go.

At the apartment, they split the single coffee up into two glasses and lie on the couch. Tohru presses herself against Kyo's chest and lets him hold onto her.

She presses lazy kisses to his collarbone. She nuzzles her nose against the side of his neck. She doesn't ask about what had happened back at the convenience store.

And he doesn't tell her. Not yet, anyway.

"What do you usually do on Saturdays?" she asks, clearly just trying to make conversation. She kisses his jaw once and sits up all the way, in order to look him in the eye properly.

He's felt himself starting to relax since they got back here, and he welcomes it. He loves the warmth that spreads out from Tohru and into him. He's happy to absorb it and forget about everything else, because really, nothing but her even matters.

"I don't know," he says.

She giggles. "How do you not know?"

He chuckles back and reaches up, taking a strand of her hair and twirling it around his finger. She watches him, eyes looking absolutely captivated by his movements. He doesn't know what to think about the fact that she looks at him with such reverence that he doesn't deserve.

"I just kinda do whatever. But this is way better than anything else I ever do."

She bites her lip, cheeks reddening. He takes his thumb and presses it against her mouth.

"Let go," he says softly. She obeys, and he leans forward to slant his own lips against hers. She responds eagerly, just like she always seems to when he kisses her, and it makes him tingle in a million different ways that he doesn't quite know how to explain.

When they part, he asks, "Do you forgive me?"

"Forgive you for what?"

"For...for being such a coward back then?"

Tohru's quiet for a few long moments before taking her face in his hands and whispering back, "Don't do that to yourself."

"Huh?"

She presses their foreheads together, knocks her nose against his affectionately. "You're spiraling," she says simply. He knows what she means by it, too.

"Yeah," he admits.

"It's okay. You're here with me right now. I love you, and I know you love me. It's okay."

He nods a little and lets his eyes fall shut as she presses kisses all over his face, basking in the feeling. Nothing's really as big a deal as it might have previously seemed. Not when Tohru's straddling his lap and kissing him all over. Her touches are light and gentle—just enough to let him know she's still here, that she's not going anywhere. He wraps his arms around her waist and clings to the back of her shirt.

"I love you," she whispers. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

And then, at those words being repeated over and over again, something strange happens:

He sort of starts to believe that he might be worthy of Tohru Honda's love.

Chapter 9: I wish that I was good enough

Summary:

"They can't use physicality to hide from serious conversations—she knows that. But maybe he's not ready to talk about it in a constructive way. And, well...maybe she's not ready either.
That has to be okay for now."

Notes:

I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this wasn't too long between updates...but I'm still sorry because I'm mean to myself lol. You guys have been so great, though! I hope you enjoy what ended up being 4,800 words of mostly-useless fluff filler with a lil angst for good measure.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

They laze around on the couch for a while.

That seems to be what they spend most of their time together doing—holding each other and talking and kissing while they lie around—and honestly, Tohru doesn't mind it one bit. She's the kind of person who likes to feel productive, so most of her personal time is spent moving around in one way or another. But right now, strengthening her relationship with Kyo feels like the most productive thing she could be doing, so she embraces the stillness that comes with it.

Kyo still seems on-edge, but at least the tightness of his body is starting to unwind. He still holds onto her firmly, but it doesn't seem quite as urgent as it did before—when they'd first gotten home, it almost seemed like he thought she'd disappear if he were to let go.

They're both sitting up now, Kyo's back against the arm of the couch, with his long legs stretched out in front of them and Tohru between them. Her back rests against his chest. She feels herself getting sleepy (maybe they should stop sleeping on the couch, she thinks for a second), and she closes her eyes, but when Kyo shifts behind her, she quickly opens them again.

He moves his hands from where they'd been situated against her stomach up to her arms.

He runs his fingertips up and down softly, leaving behind trails of goosebumps. He turns his head to the side to press a kiss to her neck. She shivers against him and tilts her head, offering him more bare skin, but he doesn't take it like he normally would.

"I…" he says instead, but then falters. "I...need to tell you something."

She doesn't like that tone—skittish, conflicted, sad.

Tohru swivels around to look at him. "What is it?"

"Well, I saw Asahi. At the convenience store earlier."

Tohru wishes she could think of a good response to that, but her throat feels tight at the mention of Asahi's name. What she'd done with him was not her finest moment—she's still trying to stop dwelling on the fact that it not only went against her normal values, but it also led him on a bit. Being with Kyo takes her mind off of it in the best way, but sometimes, in her downtime she remembers and wonders if it made her a bad person. It stays in the back of her mind, an itch that she just can't reach to get it to go away.

"Oh."

"Yeah. I didn't know that's where Uo works."

"She doesn't. She works in an office. Maybe Asahi works there on the weekends or something."

"Mm."

"Is that why you've been upset?"

Kyo nods a little and slides his arms around her waist, then buries his face in the crook of her neck, like he's trying to avoid having to look her in the eye. She has no idea how simply seeing Asahi could have this much of an effect on him. "He was just being a dick," he elaborates.

"What happened?"

Kyo sighs. "I don't want to tell you," he admits after a second.

"Why not?"

"It'll upset you."

"Well now I really have to know." She's half teasing to try and lighten the mood a little, but she's honestly also very curious, no matter how much it might upset her.

He groans. "He...he brought up you guys having sex. And well, he was kinda, like, bitter about it."

Tohru takes a moment to process that before answering. "I shouldn't have led him on," she says finally, and it actually feels sort of good to say it, to give sound to the words that have been haunting her. And she also knows it's true, of course. She knows that had been a cowardly thing to do. Of course Asahi is bitter.

Kyo shakes his head, his bangs tickling her neck as he does so; it draws her attention, so she runs her fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him. And though he does hum in appreciation, his tone isn't relaxed when he speaks again. "You didn't. I think he knew what was happening. He went along with it to get laid, then he used it as an excuse to talk shit about you today."

"Huh?"

"Please don't make me say it," Kyo murmurs, tightening his grip on her.

"Oh. Oh."

Tohru Honda is not as naive as everyone assumes she is; she never has been. She's always kept her knowledge of the more complex parts of adult relationships to herself, because why talk about it at all? It wasn't like she had sex in high school, so it never exactly came in handy. Eventually she'd just started going along with the pure personality others bestowed upon her. It had been easier that way. But she knows things, lots of them. And in that moment, she knows exactly what Asahi said about her.

Yeah, that hurts. It takes a second for her mind to work through. She's thought this whole time that she had taken advantage of Asahi, but really he'd welcomed it and then lied about the depth of his feelings for her?

Then he threw it all back in her face today. No, not her face—in Kyo's. That's even worse.

"You don't deserve that. Not at all. No one does, but especially not you. I almost kicked the shit out of him."

She feels dampness against her shoulder and tilts her head, trying to get a good look at Kyo's face. It's completely hidden, so she can't see his expression, but she can tell by the way his breath is shaky that he's crying, or at least on the verge of it.

"Kyo-kun…"

"But I knew you wouldn't want me to do that. So I didn't. I just didn't want you to have to go in there and see him after that. I don't want him anywhere near you, ever again."

"It's okay," she says softly. She brings one hand to the back of his head, and the other to his cheek. "I love you. And thank you."

"For what?" he asks, picking his head up. His eyes are watery, just as she'd expected, and he also looks completely surprised by her response.

"For loving me, and for wanting to stick up for me. But I'm glad you didn't hit him. I don't want you to have to do that for me. Just being with me is plenty."

He nods a little. She's not sure he really accepts it, but she doesn't push more right now.

"Okay," he whispers. "I love you too."

Then he sniffles and shakes his head, forcing a smile when he looks back at her. "Okay, enough crying, right?"

Tohru laughs and nods. "Right. Let's just be happy."

"You make me happy."

Kyo has complimented Tohru before, of course. Declarations of her beauty, of his love for her, of how kind he thinks she is are not rare between them now. But somehow, she thinks that's the highest honor she could ever receive. It's ~~very~~ a little overwhelming. She takes his face in her hands and kisses him, hoping he won't notice that she's tearing up, herself, now.

When they part, Kyo leans his forehead against hers. "Hey...I want you to know something."

"Mm?" she hums. "What's that?" Now that she knows Kyo will be alright, that vague sense of exhaustion is starting to settle back over her. But she doesn't want to go to sleep if he has more to say. She'd stay awake for the rest of her life, just to listen to him talk.

"I don't want you to feel pressured to, you know, have sex with me or anything."

"I don't," she says immediately, because it's absolutely, 100% true. She doesn't feel any kind of pressure.

He continues on as if he simply didn't hear her, his own words becoming quicker out of apparent nervousness. "Because I love you so much, and I don't care when we have sex. O-or, even if we do. Because, I mean, if you don't ever want to, that's fine too. I'd be fine with that, I swear."

She giggles and leans a little closer, nudging her nose with his—that seems to be turning into a quiet gesture of affection between them, much like Kyo's head-bonks had once been. It settles him down, and he just looks at her, waiting for her to say something.

"Kyo-kun...I don't feel pressured. And I do want to, but not until we're both ready. I don't think we have to put it onto a timeline or anything—when it happens, it'll just happen naturally. Is that how you feel, too?"

His cheeks are red, and he seems stunned into silence in that shy way of his, so he just nods a little. She kisses the tip of his nose. "Okay then."

There's a comfortable silence for a minute, but Tohru thinks of something she has to say, and she reluctantly pops the bubble surrounding them. "I don't really want to go back to this topic, but...I think I should tell Uo-chan about what Asahi said to you."

"Eh? Why?"

"She puts him up on this pedestal for some reason, and she was a little disappointed today when I said I wasn't going to see him anymore. So that might help her get over that."

"She's just gonna want to kick his ass, too," Kyo points out.

"She only ever sees him at work, though, so she won't be able to."

Kyo chuckles. "Well since you clearly thought this all out...I can't stop you. I don't really like it, but I get why you want to. But anyway...Uo was disappointed about me coming back into your life?"

There's an underlying tone to his voice that she can't place. It doesn't sound sad, necessarily, but more...resigned? Like he already knew this would happen? Whatever it may be, she knows she wants to reassure him.

"She was just a little frustrated and confused at first, that's all."

"Yeah. That's fair."

Yes—resigned. He thinks that everyone in Tohru's life must be disappointed in him because of what happened, and he's accepted that. Tohru knows that much of the Sohma family completely shunned him for a while afterwards, and that couldn't have helped. Yuki has since told her that he doesn't want anything to do with Kyo ever again. Rin seems indifferent, as she usually pretends to be, though she leans toward Yuki's stance on the matter. Other than Kagura, who never really cared about Tohru in the first place, Haru is really the only one who has been able to completely look past everything. And she knows for a fact that Uo-chan and Hana-chan never made efforts to contact him, so why wouldn't he think it's the same for them?

"She came around, though. And besides, I don't care what she thinks."

He squeezes her hips. "Don't say that," he whispers.

"What?"

"She's your best friend. She's been here for you. The whole time I was gone, she was here for you. Of course you care what she thinks."

For the umpteenth time during this short conversation, Tohru is again unsure of how to respond.

Of course she cares about what Uo thinks, to a degree. But also, years and years ago, she'd determined that Kyo is the most important person in the world to her. So of course she'd defend him over Uo if necessary, even though it would pain her to potentially lose her best friend.

Before she can think of an answer, he continues. "I owe her a lot. She made sure you were okay...kept you safe, when I couldn't. No...when I didn't. When I was busy running away, she stayed."

Tohru's so confused. Just moments ago, they'd moved on to smiling and kissing again, gone back to enjoying each other's company and forgetting about all the other stuff. Sure, he had been feeling gloomy, and with good reason, but she'd seen it start to fade. Or so she thought.

"Her opinion is worth a lot. If she doesn't like me, if she doesn't think I'm good enough…"

The way Kyo's looking at her now is killing her. His eyes are full of shame and a sense of worthlessness, with a little pity for Tohru thrown in. It's a look she's all too familiar with. She can almost hear the words that accompanied it back then:

I'm disappointed in you.

"Stop," she whispers. "Please, just...just stop." And so she kisses him, hard, because that's the only way she can think of to get him out of his head right now. She knows they should really talk it through, but she also knows that he's going to slip into a dark place if she doesn't end the conversation for the time being. They can't use physicality to hide from serious conversations—she knows that. But maybe he's not ready to talk about it in a constructive way. And, well...maybe she's not ready either.

That has to be okay for now.

So she just kisses him and runs her hands down to his chest to cling to his t-shirt, and moves closer until they're nearly moulded together. He kisses her back, and she lets him take the lead, and he draws circles against her thigh with his thumb, and she thinks she might completely come undone. There's always been physical attraction between them, long before they started doing things like this. She's always known it, though she didn't know what to name the feeling for the longest time. Now that she gets to feel it, actually feel his hands on her, it's nearly intoxicating.

It makes her forget for a minute.

Then, it's Kyo's turn to yank them out of the moment.

"We should stop," he whispers.

"Huh?" she pants.

"I was just talking about how we don't have to have sex right away, and if we keep doing this, I don't know how easy it's gonna be for me to keep my word about that."

She doesn't necessarily need him to keep his word about that, but she nods and lets go of his shirt anyway. He clears his throat awkwardly as he straightens it, then he leans back against the arm of the couch again, tugging her down with him. She lets herself fall against his chest. He presses a kiss to the top of her head, then moves down to nuzzle against her shoulder again, and she snuggles in closer in response.

"Hey...what are we now?" he asks, voice somehow even more timid than it had been that night, when he'd asked that for the first time.

Now, she answers with conviction. "You're my boyfriend."

He nods. "That means you've gotta be my girlfriend, then."

She giggles. "Of course, you dork."

"Hey, that's my line."

"Don't we share everything now that you're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend?"

"I think that's marriage."

"Same difference."

He snorts out a laugh. "Oh, yeah? Then what's the point in getting married at all?"

"I get your last name."

She picks her head up to look at him, because she's just sure that made him blush—and she's right, and it's adorable. He tries to cover his red cheeks, but she just laughs and pries his hands away from his face.

"Someday," he says.

"Someday," she confirms.

Tohru ends up falling asleep shortly after that, still curled up against his chest. He's content to just hold her—he'd do it nonstop for the rest of his life, if that were possible. But he also has a sense of unease about him right now.

He glances over to Tohru's phone on the coffee table. He could reach it from here easily, and more than likely not wake up Tohru, who definitely would have won the yearbook award for "most likely to sleep through an earthquake" if it had been a thing. It feels wrong, even just thinking about doing this. It's a complete invasion of privacy. If he woke her up right now and just asked her, he knows she'd give him the information he needs without hesitation. But he doesn't want her to know what he's about to do quite yet, and that makes him feel even more shitty about it than he already had just a minute ago.

Kyo steels his nerves and reaches out to grab the phone. Once he's secured Uotani's contact info, he carefully places the phone back on the table, then texts her off of his own phone. Just minutes later, he has the address of Uo's favorite bar, and he's lying Tohru down on the couch and kissing her forehead before heading out the door. In case she wakes up to him being gone, as he heads down the stairs he texts her to let her know he's just running an errand and will be back. The first half of that is a lie. He's shit.

Kyo gets to the bar before Uo does, and feels completely out of his element because of it. The only time he's ever gone to a bar was for Kagura's birthday earlier this year, when he'd gotten dragged along to her party. He hadn't felt the need to drink then—Kagura and her annoying friends had probably drank enough to keep the bar in business for another year, just on their own. But now, he feels itchy just sitting there, so he orders a whiskey and coke he figures he can nurse for a while.

It doesn't taste good, exactly, but it's also not awful. And his nerves are elevated to an unhealthy height from the situation he's about to put himself in, so honestly he's enjoying the very slight light-headedness the drink starts to give him the longer he sips at it. It's not possible to be drunk yet, right? He's definitely getting tipsy, though. Is he a lightweight? He shakes his head to clear those useless thoughts. Suddenly, a blonde woman pops up next to him.

"Didn't know you drink," she says, pulling a stool out and plopping down onto it. He looks at her out of the corner of his eye. "You don't seem like the type."

"Well, you invited me to a bar," he points out. If he were some sophisticated adult, maybe he'd say that it's been the kind of day that warrants a couple of drinks, but he's not, so he ends it there.

"Fair." She calls the bartender (who, to Kyo's confusion, also refills his drink without asking) and orders, then a heavy silence settles between them. Kyo figures it's best to cut straight to the chase.

"What can I do to get you to approve of me?"

"Huh?" she asks, shooting him a look that suggests he's finally completely lost it.

"I love Tohru, and she loves you. So that means that you have to approve of me being with her. So tell me what I need to do." He turns to face her, and the look on her face startles him a little—she's completely shocked. He's never seen Uotani look like that. She regains her composure so quickly, though, that it makes him doubt he actually saw it at all.

"Well, have you changed?"

He wants to say yes, of course he has, but it's not really such a simple question. Is it true—has he changed? Tohru would say it is, he knows that much. But she seems so completely smitten with him—a thought that would make him giddy in any other situation, but that just seems to complicate things a little right now. Could her opinion on this topic be trusted? Or was it clouded by the rose-colored glasses she still seems to look through all too often?

Besides, Tohru isn't here right now. He needs to plead his case on his own. It's important that he's able to do that—fight for what he wants, fight for her.

He smiles wryly and goes the honest route. "I'm trying really fucking hard."

"Still a coward, huh?"

His hand tightens around his glass. He hates that she said that. He knows he's a coward, knows that he always has been. Knows that he probably always will be, in some regards. Hearing Uotani point it out only makes it sting more. He downs the entire drink, coughing a little at the sting of the whiskey afterwards.

"Yeah, probably. But I haven't been running. So I figure that's something at least."

"Yeah, I guess it is. Since that was what ruined everything in the first place, really."

The bartender again brings him a new drink without asking, and this time, Kyo honestly doesn't mind. It's called "liquid courage" for a reason, he's discovering—it's getting easier and easier to talk. "I've always been a runner, for as long as I can remember. But I'm working on it. She deserves better, so I have to, right?"

"She really does. You can see why I feel the way I do, yeah?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Because after you ran off, we—the Prince, Hanajima, and I, I mean—were left to help her glue her heart back together. And I'll always do that, no questions asked, because that's my job as her best friend. But I don't want to have to, ya know? She deserves to be happy."

"You're right. She does. More than anyone in the world."

Uo pauses, and her face hardens. It's an expression that makes him nervous, so down goes the new drink. "So you're gonna do that, then? Make her happy? Because if you're not, you should walk away right now, before she gets even more invested than she already is."

"I'm gonna make her happy," he says immediately. "I'm not gonna hurt her again. Not ever. I swear."

"Then that's all I can ask for, right? Just don't be an idiot and fuck it up again."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna need to hear better than that."

"I'm not going to fuck it up," he says firmly.

"Good." She finishes her drink, then tosses a few bills down onto the bar. "I gotta go."

"Eh, already?"

"I think we talked about everything we needed to. You gonna be okay getting on the train alone?"

"Huh? 'Course I am."

"Really? 'Cause you seem a little drunk."

Kyo pauses and runs a check on his body. Arms tingly, face hot, head a little dizzy. He's never actually been drunk, but from what he's heard from other people, this is it, or at least the start of it. "Oh," he says awkwardly.

Uo snorts out a short laugh. "I'll call Tohru."

"No, wait. I don't want her to know I saw you. Not yet."

"Then call her yourself. I'd feel bad if you ended up dying on the way home from meeting me."

She lifts her hand into a wave and heads to the door, leaving him alone to figure out what exactly he's doing. He doesn't want to bug Tohru, especially not after he left a text saying he was just "running an errand." Plus he's a grown-ass man, which means he should theoretically be able to have three drinks and then catch a train home. Or...to Tohru's place because he thinks he left his house key there, and he likes being there much better, anyway.

In the end, he makes it, though the stairs up to her apartment are a bigger challenge than they should be. He briefly considers just trying the knob, but he's aware enough to realize that that would just be weird—no matter how much time he spends here, it's not his place, so he has no right to come in unannounced. He knocks on the door instead.

Tohru opens the door a crack, then smiles widely when she sees him; you'd think she hadn't seen him just two hours ago. He feels himself grinning back.

She just looks at him quietly for a second, then giggles and opens the door the rest of the way. She reaches up and touches his cheek. Her fingers are always freezing, he's discovered. He spends a great deal of time when they're cuddling trying to warm them up, because it makes him irrationally anxious. But they feel so good on his hot face right now that he just leans into her touch.

"You're drunk," she says, still laughing.

"H-how'd you know?"

"I'm not stupid, Kyo-kun." Her tone is mischievous, but he doesn't quite pick up on it in the way he normally would.

"Of course you're not, just...god, I'm sorry," he mumbles.

She raises an eyebrow and rubs her thumbs against his jaw. "What? You don't have to be sorry."

"But I came back drunk after leaving with no notice. Must be annoying. I don't want you to feel like you gotta take care of me, or anything."

She shakes her head. "Don't you get it by now, Kyo-kun? I'll do anything you need. I'll take care of you anytime because I want to."

He hesitates, trying to think up a good response to that—a good response to the endless love and affection that she gives him. That's what she deserves, words that let her know she's appreciated. But he's not even good with words when sober, and alcohol apparently makes it worse, because what comes out is, "I love you so fucking much."

She laughs and stands up on her tiptoes in order to reach his lips. When she breaks the kiss she'd tugged him into, she says, "I love you, too. I am curious about what kind of 'errand' involves getting drunk, though."

"Mm…" he hums to buy himself a little time to think. He's going to tell her, just...not right now. It's not like he did anything too horrible by talking to Uo, he's sure, but it is still kind of a big deal. "Can I tell you in the morning?"

Tohru laughs again. "Of course, weirdo. Do you wanna come back in?"

Kyo nods and lets her drag him in by the hand. They stand quietly for a second, then a sudden, random urge overcomes him and he blurts, "Hey, Tohru? Can we cuddle?"

She squeezes his hand, an answer in itself. "Come lie in bed with me."

In perfect unison, they freeze, eyes widening as they stare at each other. Bed? She means just to cuddle, and he knows that, and that's exactly what he wants. But her bed. It's the first time she's offered that. Hazily, he wonders what exactly it means.

She clearly takes his silence the wrong way, because she goes into panicked-Tohru-mode. "I-I, I mean, only if you want to, and like you said, we don't have to do anything, we can just cuddle and…"

His fuzzy brain somehow manages to immediately realize that he needs to say something to calm her down. "I do want to. And we can do whatever you want."

She bites her lip. "Well I'm not having sex with you for the first time while you're drunk."

Now it's his turn to panic. "God, sorry, that's not what I meant…"

She chuckles, like she's done seemingly a million times since he got back, though it sounds a little nervous this time. "We're acting like stupid kids. Just...come on." She pulls at his hand again, and he follows her just like he always does.

As they lie down on top of the covers, Kyo looks around the room. "It's nice in here," he says. It's very Tohru—clean and well-designed.

"Oh, um, thank you. I guess you haven't been in here until now, actually, huh?"

He shakes his head and pulls her closer. She nuzzles her face into his shoulder once they're situated. "I was waiting for you to ask," he admits.

"O-oh...you didn't need to do that…"

"I didn't want to make you feel weird." He doesn't know why he's telling her this right now, or at all, really, and he's about to try and backtrack when she kisses his shoulder. The touch is like magic—both his body and mind relax immediately, all because of just one little peck. He becomes more aware of how they're lying—legs tangled, chests pressed together, her lips resting at the spot between his shoulder and neck. She's soft and she's warm and she's his home.

She's pure magic, all of her.

"Have you been doing that this whole time?" she asks softly. "Being cautious about everything you do, so you wouldn't make me feel weird?"

"No, 'course not. Just in that way."

She makes a noise that he can't read, but thinks sounds a little incredulous. "Well, I appreciate it, but you don't need to. I'm not going to get scared away. You won't…"

He hears it:

You won't disappoint me.

He wraps his arms around her tighter. He's sure he's squishing her a little, but she doesn't say anything—she just slides an arm around his middle in return, and clutches tightly to the back of his shirt with that hand.

"I promise," she adds.

"Okay," he whispers back.

She kisses his shoulder again in response, and it's more than enough.

Notes:

Chapter title from "Hold Me While You Wait" by Lewis Capaldi

Chapter 10: when I wake up, the dream isn't done

Summary:

"Oh. This is going to be the worst part. She can tell already."

Notes:

Hi, I'm back! I hope you enjoy this and that it was somewhat worth the wait. 💕

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Tohru unlocks the front door of the apartment she shares with her fiancé. She's tired—she feels the exhaustion of the day all the way down to her bones. Work had been hard, and Itsuki had gotten to leave early to go to some meeting, which made her day even more miserable. She doesn't like being apart from him, and she knows he feels the same. So, she'd even gone out of her way to the grocery store on her way home, figuring she'll make him his favorite for dinner.

The grocery bags in her hands sink down to the floor now, though, as she stares at two pairs of shoes in her genkan. One is Itsuki's work shoes, and the other is a pair of red women's heels...red women's heels that are definitely not hers. Ignoring the nagging sick feeling in her stomach, and the voice in her head telling her to run, Tohru kicks off her own shoes and walks back toward their bedroom.

Itsuki hadn't even bothered to close the door.

Tohru gasps and throws a hand over her mouth. On instinct, she turns around, as though to give him and the naked woman underneath him privacy—even though this is her own house and her own fiancé and her own heart that's breaking.

Everyone is quiet. The world jerks to a halt. After a moment, the bed squeaks slightly, and then Itsuki is behind Tohru. He puts a hand on her shoulder, squeezes tightly, and pulls until she's facing him. Then, instead of getting down on his knees, begging and pleading for another chance, Itsuki shakes his head. His smile isn't warm like it usually is—it's raw and bitter.

"How...how could you?" Tohru asks, voice trembling.

"Stupid bitch," Itsuki spits. "Don't you know this is all your fault?"

Before she can respond, before she can cry, or even process his words, light flashes around Tohru and she's in the bedroom of her current apartment. Asahi is on his back next to her. He sits up and runs a hand through his hair, breathing heavily.

"So, uh…" Tohru starts sheepishly. She sits up, too, pulling the sheet around herself. "Was that okay?"

"Yeah, sure." His tone is indifferent. He's already gathering his clothes off the floor. "It was okay."

"Will you call tomorrow?"

Asahi laughs. Tohru waits for an answer as he pulls his shirt over his head. When he's done, he turns to look at her over his shoulder. "Seriously?"

"Um...w-well…"

"You want me to call, after you fucked on the first date? Why would I want to see you again, unless I ever need a quick lay sometime? I don't deal with whores like you otherwise."

And then he's gone, and Tohru is suddenly outside. She's in Shigure's front yard, Kyo standing in front of her, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Oh.

This is going to be the worst part. She can tell already.

"I just love you!" she screams, fighting to be heard above the rain and the sound of her heart pounding in her ears.

Kyo's quiet for a long time, and when he finally does speak, his voice is so soft that it's almost drowned out by the beating of the rain against the cobblestones.

"I'm disappointed in you."

She's never loved anyone as much as she loves Kyo, and nothing has ever hurt her as much as he does with those four words.

And then the ground crumbles beneath her feet.

Kyo wakes up because of movement next to him. Confused and still sleepy, he blinks against the dark to see what's going on. When he figures it out, his eyes fly the rest of the way open, and he quickly rises to a sitting position. Tohru's shaking and whimpering, even though she appears to still be asleep. Even though he knows it must just be a nightmare and she's okay physically, the sight of it breaks his heart. He takes a second to collect himself before reaching out to her. He strokes her cheek.

"Hey, Tohru," he says gently.

She doesn't wake up; she just chokes out a sob, the sound hollow and dry.

"Tohru!"

He shakes her shoulders, and after a second, she springs up, breathing heavily. They just stare at each other for a moment, Kyo not knowing what to do, and Tohru panting. Then she leans forward and puts her head in her hands. She sobs, and he scoots closer to wrap his arms around her shoulders.

"What happened?" he asks softly.

"Just a nightmare," she forces out between sobs.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"It was—just, everything," she cries. "Everything that's happened, all at once." She moves her hands from her face and wraps them around his neck instead. She clings to him with shaking limbs and cries into his shoulder. He rubs circles against her spine.

"What does that mean?"

"F-first, it was Itsuki, and he cheated on me. And, and then I was with Asahi and he was saying horrible things, and then there was you...and I was with you outside of Shigure's house. And I told you I loved you, and then...then—then I fell."

She sounds borderline hysterical, and she's not making a ton of sense, but Kyo gets the jist of it, and it makes his heart seize up. She fell? At the end of her dream...did she fall off the cliff?

He doesn't want to say it out loud, as if uttering the actual words will somehow make everything a thousand times worse—that it'll make her cry harder, and then he'll cry too, and they'll both be a mess, and who takes care of who then?

But he knows he has to, so he whispers, "Fell...off the cliff?" He finishes the question off by pressing a kiss to her hair in a feeble attempt to soften the blow.

"Uh-huh," she whimpers.

"Do you dream about that a lot?"

"Not anymore. I still get n-nightmares sometimes, but they're usually about other things now, and just one thing at a time. This is the second time in the past few weeks, though. I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Kyo just squeezes her tighter while he processes that. Having nightmares about something as traumatic as falling off a fucking cliff makes sense, of course. But it sounds like they'd stopped...so what happened to her in the past few weeks that would bring them back?

Oh.

Now Kyo really does feel like he might cry, but he can't, dammit, because this is about comforting Tohru; if he cries, she'll switch to caring for him, because that's just the way she is. But she needs to have a safe place to fall apart, too. He just doesn't know how he can be that place when he's the cause of her trauma in the first place.

"I'm so sorry," he murmurs. "But you're safe. You're right here with me."

She nods against his shoulder, sniffling a few times along with it. She's starting to settle down. She's not sobbing as much anymore, her breathing slowing. She still clutches onto him, like he's the only thing keeping her tethered down to the world. And maybe he is—but that makes him sort of sad; he's not even really tethered down, himself, so how can he keep her here?

After a minute, Tohru pulls back and looks at him. Her face kills him. Tear-tracks are running down her pale cheeks, her brown eyes full of leftover tears, her mouth twisted into a frown. She's still beautiful, but she also looks so shattered.

He hates that he did that.

How does he make it better?

"I love you," she squeaks, and it just makes him feel even worse.

"I love you too. What can I do to help?" He lets go of her and moves his hands up to her face. He rubs away the dampness there with his thumbs, then leans forward and presses kisses to her cheeks. He can feel her smile a little. That's a start, at least.

"Just stay, please."

"Of course. I'll stay as long as you want."

"Forever?" she asks, a broken laugh sneaking its way into her voice. She's asking it like it's a wildly inappropriate question, like she has no right to request something like that. But he knows that Tohru Honda deserves the world, and if what she wants right now is this—him—then she's damn well going to get it.

And he wants her too. So, so badly.

"Forever," he affirms. Her eyes go wide, and she buries her face against his chest to hide her reddening cheeks. Even after being the one that asked, and after everything they've ever been through, after everything they've shared the past few weeks, she can still manage to get embarrassed over something as simple as this. He can't help but chuckle a bit at how adorable she is. He puts a hand on the back of her head, keeping her close.

"Can we go back to sleep for a bit?" she asks.

"Yeah, if you want. Do you think you can?"

"Maybe."

So he lets go and lies back down with her. She rolls onto her side so that they're facing each other, and he kisses her. "I'll be right here when you wake up," he says, watching as she closes her eyes.

"Promise?"

"I promise, Tohru."

Kyo watches her as she drifts off back to sleep. All things considered, it happens rather quickly, and soon she's lying next to him with one hand fisted in the fabric of his t-shirt, her lips slightly parted as she takes in deep breaths, her eyelashes fluttering a bit occasionally.

She's precious. Completely, totally pure and good and just the embodiment of love. He hates it when she hurts...especially when she hurts because of him. And he doesn't understand why she doesn't see it that way. After she'd explained her nightmare, he'd immediately made the connection—two years ago she fell off a cliff because of him, and tonight she dreamt about it because of him. But Tohru...her immediate reaction was to reach out to him, hold onto him, and beg him to stay. Why would anyone want the cause of their pain to stay?

He reaches out and uses his index finger to gently push some hair off her cheek. She's out, doesn't even stir at all. Good—she deserves to get more rest. He'll just stay and make sure she's safe.

Kyo doesn't sleep any more after that, which he'd expected, but Tohru sleeps until about eight. When she starts to stir next to him, Kyo moves closer and leaves light kisses all over her cheeks and nose. She giggles a little as she wakes up fully, then touches his cheek to stop him for a real kiss.

"Did you sleep okay?" he asks. She yawns and nods.

"Did you get any more sleep?"

"Yeah, I'm good," he lies. She either doesn't notice that he's lying or just doesn't mention it—either way, he's appreciative of that right now. "Hey, wanna go out to breakfast?"

"Breakfast?"

"Yeah, I'm sure you've heard of it before—it's what people eat in the morning to break their fast," he deadpans.

She rolls her eyes and smiles. "I know what breakfast is, Kyo-kun."

"I kinda figured, dummy. So, why do you sound so surprised every time I ask you out?"

Tohru ponders that for a second, staring intently into his eyes as she does so. He thinks he might shatter under her gaze.

"Because, well...I just can't believe this is real," she admits quietly.

It's fair. Sometimes he can't believe it, either. The past few weeks have felt like one big fever dream. He keeps waiting for it to end, because dreams always do, but then each morning he wakes up and this is somehow still his reality. It's bizarre.

"It's real," he assures her.

She smiles a little and sits up, stretching her arms over her head. He tries to convince himself that he doesn't notice the way her stomach shows as her shirt moves up with her shoulders.

"Where do you want to go?" she asks.

"I...didn't really think about that part."

Tohru laughs. "Want me to cook, then?"

"No," he protests immediately. "The whole point is to go out so you don't have to do anything. I'll think of something while we get ready."

"Okay, then," she says, a teasing skepticism in her tone. He scoffs at it.

She gets out of bed, and for a minute, Kyo can't do anything but sit there and watch her as she moves around the room. She seems fine. If he hadn't been here last night, he would have no idea that she'd just gone through emotional hell a few hours ago.

But why?

The only conclusion he can come to doesn't make much sense, but also somehow explains everything:

Because Tohru is magic and precious and pure and good, but she's also a big fucking mystery.

They decide on a little cafe for breakfast. Tohru says they have amazing pancakes, something sentimental to them both after that summer they spent together at the Sohma beach house. Kyo hasn't had pancakes since that day, and the look on Tohru's face when she tells him about the restaurant is absolutely endearing, so he's game. They order a stack to share, and Kyo's eyes widen when the lady lays the plate between them.

"These are huge."

Tohru giggles and hands him a fork. These pancakes are about the size of her head. He's not sure how she's going to manage to eat even just one of them.

"Dig in, Kyo-kun!"

Instead of doing that, he just looks across the table at her. She cuts a piece of pancake off and holds it out to him on her fork. He shakes his head, trying to ignore the blood he can feel rushing to his cheeks. "You first."

Even still, Tohru is the one doing everything for him. She gives him her love, forgiveness, patience, and compassion every minute of every day that they're together.

What does he do? Sure, she looks happy right now. But how much is that really worth?

Finally, he takes a bite, chewing it slowly as he thinks.

What can he do?

What can he do for Tohru?

By the time they finish their pancakes—Tohru very proud that she could eat a whole one after Kyo teasing her about it—she's exhausted. For the past couple hours, she'd been running on fumes, though she tried her best to hide it, of course. After all she'd put Kyo through in the middle of the night, she doesn't dare show that she's exhausted—it'll only make both of them feel worse.

She can tell that he's worn out, too. He assured her that he got more sleep after her nightmare, but she can tell he didn't. She's always known Kyo well, understands him better than she understands herself, and that means that she can often see right through him. As he sits next to her on the train now, on the way back to Tohru's apartment, she notices the glassy look of his eyes, the way he's not sitting up quite as straight as he usually does, how he seems to be zoning out just like he's often told her not to do. She has to alert him when the train gets to their stop.

She knows something else, too—he thinks it's his fault she'd had that nightmare. But it's not. Dreams are just funny, she's discovered. They just pop up every once in a while, throw you off, then leave just as quickly as they came. It's no one's fault. Tohru has been so happy since Kyo came back into her life. That's all he's done—bring her joy. The nightmare wasn't his fault.

But she doesn't quite know how to say all of that out loud in a way that he'll believe, so she decides to let it lay for now.

At her apartment door, Kyo tugs on her hand to get her attention. After she finishes unlocking the door, she turns to him, and he immediately kisses her. It's warm and slow and sweet, but also full of guilt and a foggy-tiredness. When he pulls back, he says, "I'm going to go home for the day, 'kay? I should some get laundry and cleaning and stuff done before I have to work tomorrow."

She tries not to sound disappointed. "Yes, of course."

"I love you. Can I call you tonight?"

"I love you, too. You can call me anytime you want."

He smiles a little and takes her face in his hands, then presses a kiss to her forehead. When he's out of her line of sight, she goes inside, but just stands by the door for a minute. She's not quite sure what to do now that Kyo's not here. Though he doesn't technically live here, he's spent so much time here lately that it almost feels like he's become a permanent fixture of the apartment. His absence is leaving an odd ache in her chest.

Even though she's tired, if she naps now, her sleep schedule is going to get messed up and she'll be miserable by the time she goes back to work on Tuesday. So she has to find some way to stay awake. After a bit, she settles on scrubbing the floors. Then the kitchen countertop. Then every inch of the bathroom. She thought keeping busy would both keep the exhaustion at bay and get rid of the heavy feeling in her heart, but it doesn't.

She just misses him already.

Kyo has always been the kind of person who is embarrassed to admit their flaws, but there's one thing he'll readily own up to:

He knows nothing about girls.

His entire youth had been dedicated to avoiding them, then the last few years devoted to getting to know Tohru specifically. After everything happened with her, he never tried to get close to any girl again.

So thinking about getting her a present is more than a little intimidating.

Tohru likes pretty things, and pink, and things that are simple but thoughtful. But that doesn't really help narrow it down. Hell, he knows he could get her a stuffed animal or something from a department store and she'd be perfectly happy, but that's not what he wants to do. Not at all.

This is probably stupid, anyway. A gift won't repay all the love she's given Kyo.

But...it's a normal thing for a boyfriend to do for his girlfriend, right? That could be a start.

From his limited knowledge of the dating world—which comes almost exclusively from media and the stories he hears from coworkers—jewelry seems like a common gift for women, so he finds himself in a little jewelry shop between Tohru's apartment and the train station. He'd seen it on the way back to her place a bit ago, so it became his very first stop.

"Welcome in," the clerk calls.

"Hi." Kyo takes a second to just look around. He's never been in a jewelry store before. It's much more overwhelming than he'd assumed it would be. The lights are almost blindingly bright, and there are cases upon cases full of just about any kind of jewelry in any style that you could imagine. Most of them are diamond rings, though, and becoming aware of that feels a little suffocating—this store is full of implications.

"What brings you here today?"

Kyo realizes that he's really not sure. He hadn't thought farther ahead than going into the shop.

"Well, uh...I need a gift for my girlfriend."

"I'd be happy to help you with that! What exactly are you looking for? A promise ring?"

What the hell is a promise ring?

"Maybe, I guess?"

The man waves Kyo over to a case in the corner of the store. "I'll pull out a few of my favorites first," he says, opening the case. "Tell me about the girl."

Oh god, where to start? "W-well, she's amazing. We have a long history, but we just got together a few weeks ago. She just broke off an engagement not too long ago, so we're taking it slo—" Oh my god, she'd just broken off an engagement a bit ago. "Maybe a necklace," Kyo finishes.

"A necklace sounds good," the jeweler agrees, then motions Kyo over to a different case.

In the end, Kyo's pretty satisfied with what he got—Tohru's birthstone on a gold chain. It's dainty and beautiful. It glimmers when the light hits it just so. It's perfect—just like her.

He's ridiculously excited to give it to her.

At home, he sets it on his dresser and pulls out his phone to check the time. That had taken a lot longer than expected. And he's still exhausted. Realistically, he's not going to get any actual laundry or cleaning done. As he tries to gather the willpower to at least try, his phone vibrates. When he looks down at the screen, any glimmer of hope that he might have had about being productive slips away. He sinks down onto his bed and props his back against the wall behind him before answering.

"Hey, you."

"Hi, Kyo-kun!"

He chuckles. "What're you so excited about?"

"Talking to you," Tohru says matter-of-factly.

"Yeah? That excited? I just talked to you a few hours ago."

"O-oh, well, um…"

"I'm just teasing, Tohru. I miss you already, too."

She giggles, and when she talks again, she sounds relieved. "You're so mean, Kyo-kun," she quips.

He laughs and shakes his head. "Whatever."

"I...did call for another reason, too, though."

"Hm? And what's that?"

"Isuzu called me a bit ago."

"Oh yeah? You two hang out a lot?"

"We don't get to see each other too often, but we text and talk on the phone a lot."

"I'm glad you've had her around all this time."

But...was it also hard for her, he wonders? After everything that happened between her and Kyo, was it hard to keep in touch with members of his family? Or was she grateful for the support? He doesn't know if he should ask, and doesn't know how to, either.

"Mm-hmm. She's very special to me. And...she invited me to Shigure's for dinner on Tuesday."

Kyo feels every muscle in his body stiffen. It's not that he's trying to keep Tohru a secret persay, but they're still in the honeymoon phase, and he thinks there's a 150% chance his disapproving family will ruin that.

"Are you going to go?" He hopes his voice doesn't sound rough and unnatural. But she's quiet for a moment, so he knows she heard the change.

Damn it.

"I think so," she answers finally. "It's the only time I really get to see Yuki and Isuzu. Unless you don't want me to go."

"Tohru, of course I want you to go. You love them. You have a right to see them."

"But I love you more. So if you don't want me to go, I won't."

He smiles a little. "I know. Thank you. But it's okay."

"D-do you, uh...want to maybe come with me?"

That's where he needs to draw the line. Tohru going alone and mentioning Kyo in passing would be much easier for everyone to swallow. If they show up hand in hand, the 150% chance that things will get ruined increases to at least 200%. Yuki could probably still beat the shit out of him if he wanted to, which he definitely would.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"I thought you might say that."

She sounds disappointed. Fuck. What should he do now?

"What's wrong, Tohru?"

"Nothing. I understand, really. I just wish you didn't feel that way."

"What way?"

"Like you can't tell anyone about us."

She figured it out. Of course she did. Why would he ever think she wouldn't?

He sighs. "I just—you don't know what happened with everyone back then."

"So tell me," she whispers.

He doesn't want to. He knows it'll hurt her. She'll feel wrongly responsible and guilty, and that's the last thing she needs. But...

"Okay. Tomorrow, yeah? I have a present for you, too."

"Huh? Really? You didn't have to do that!"

Kyo smiles. "I know. I did it because I love you."

"I love you, too. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah, I'll be there after work."

When they hang up, Kyo lies down and chucks his phone down next to him. He covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. This isn't how he wants things to go.

He feels like he's being ripped in two. He doesn't want her to know what happened when she was in the hospital. But she also deserves to know, and he understands that. But that isn't going to make telling her any easier.

Tohru stares down at her phone. The screen went dim long ago, but she can't make herself move, can't take her eyes off of it. She doesn't want to make Kyo uncomfortable. The last thing she wants is to have to see him in pain. But she has to know. If they're going to make this work, there can't be any baggage from back then left unpacked.

And...she doesn't want to be a secret.

Tohru doesn't like secrets. She's seen them from all angles—she's had secrets kept from her, she's kept secrets, and she's been a secret before. No matter how you look at it, secrets hurt people.

That woman...the one with Itsuki. She had come to the apartment to talk to Tohru a few days after Tohru had caught them together. Tohru didn't want to talk to her, of course, but she looked so utterly broken that Tohru's empathy quickly kicked into gear. They'd sat down on the couch and Tohru flitted around the room like she was hosting any normal guest—making tea, offering lunch—even though this woman had destroyed her life. Tohru hated that she was this way, that she was capable of acting like that towards someone she should hate with every fiber of her being.

Tohru will never forget their conversation, though.

"I didn't know about you," the woman had said. "He said he was single." She paused and laughed, the sound bitter. Her eyes were red. Tohru could tell that she'd been crying a lot recently. So maybe she was being genuine. "I ...I guess we were both a secret, huh?" she'd finished after a moment.

Tohru doesn't want to be a secret again.

She doesn't want it.

She doesn't.

Notes:

Chapter title from "Painting Flowers" by All Time Low

Chapter 11: god damn, you're so worth it

Summary:

"Tohru pulls her knees up to her chest, subconsciously moving herself into an upright fetal position. She feels pitiful, and figures she must look it, too, but she doesn't make any effort to remedy that.
She just wants to be with Kyo right now."

Notes:

👋🏻hello, friends!
Chapter title from "Stay With Me" by Anson Seabra

Chapter Text

Tohru doesn't sleep at all. She just sits up in bed, in the dark, staring at the wall in front of her.

When tomorrow comes, she wants to hear it. All of it—every last word. No matter how much it hurts.

But she also doesn't. And that's where her predicament lies.

Kyo won't tell her if she doesn't want him to. She's sure of that. It's not going to be comfortable for either of them, and he's always been one to avoid discomfort when possible. Her, too, she supposes; if she doesn't acknowledge any uncomfortable emotions within herself, then they may as well not exist.

But that's not any way to build a relationship. Life is uncomfortable. Love is uncomfortable. She knows that better than most. So if she wants things to work out with Kyo, she has to hear it.

In the morning, she makes a strong cup of coffee, chokes it down, and tries to go about her day. The minutes crawl by, time feeling absolutely stagnant without Kyo here to tell her everything; if he could just tell her everything right now, she'd be able to stop worrying and just figure out how they can move forward.

She ends up staring at her phone for a good portion of the day. At 6:04, it finally pays off—Kyo texts to say he's on his way.

When she finally hears a knock at her door and opens it to let Kyo in, she immediately throws her arms around his neck, tugging his face down to her level.

"Woah. Hey, you." He chuckles and kisses the tip of her nose. She smiles, and she wishes they could stay like this, happy and warm and wrapped up in each other's arms.

"Do you want to talk first, or do you want your present first?"

"Mmm…" She hesitates, trying to decide what the less painful order would be. Either way, there's going to be a heavy conversation, so what will lessen the blow more easily?

Kyo moves a hand up to her face and presses between her eyebrows with his thumb. "Eh?!" she squeaks, completely confused by what he's doing.

"You're thinking too hard about it. Your forehead gets all crinkled right here when you do that."

"O-oh...I never noticed that. You really do know everything about me, huh, Kyo-kun?" The thought makes her a little bit giddy, in an odd and childish way—he's an expert on her. Becoming that way was a process that was both completely natural, but also due to a lot of hard work. He loves her enough to put in that work. She's so lucky.

His cheeks flush. "Nah…"

She spares him by changing the topic. "Present first."

He nods and lets go of her, dips a hand into his pocket, and brings out a small-ish red box. Tohru sees the logo of a jewelry store on it, and briefly panics before noticing that it's a bit too big to hold a ring. She takes the box from him and opens it. For a minute, she can't say anything; she just looks back and forth between him and the necklace. He rubs at the back of his neck while he waits for a response, clearly feeling a little awkward.

She wants to say thank you and tell him how beautiful it is. But for some reason, what is most meaningful to her is…

"You…you remembered my birth stone?" She instantly blushes—that's not a good response and it really makes no sense to just blurt out, either.

"Huh?" He's obviously just as surprised about what she said as she is. "Well, yeah...if I know your birthday it's not hard to figure out, and it's not like I'd ever forget that…"

Tohru can't count how many times she had to tell Itsuki her birthday before it stuck.

She surges forward and kisses him. It takes him a second to react, but he ends up returning it with just as much passion. When Tohru pulls back, she whispers, "It's beautiful. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I—" he hesitates, then starts again. "I was trying to think of a way to, I don't know...repay you, I guess."

"Repay me?"

"You give so much to me, and I'm not as good at showing my love as you are. So I figured getting you a present might show you how much you mean to me. Lame, I guess, huh?" He shakes his head at himself, averting his eyes to the ground.

It's one of the stupidest things Tohru has ever heard. Since he came back into her life, all he's done is make her happy. He makes the past seem a little less painful, makes letting go of control seem a little less scary. He makes her look forward to every tomorrow. She doesn't think she can get all that out without crying, though. She leans forward and rests her head against his chest. "You dummy," she murmurs.

"H-hey...there you go with that again."

She giggles, kisses his collarbone once, then stands up straight again. "Will you help me put it on?" she asks.

"'Course. Turn around."

After giving the box back, she obeys, and pulls her hair up off of her neck. Kyo wraps his arms around to lay the necklace against her chest, then comes back around to the clasp. For a few moments, Tohru feels and hears him fumble around.

"Dammit...why do they make these things so hard?"

She has to bite her lip to keep from laughing at him.

He gets it, though, and then he leans down and presses his lips to the back of her neck. She hums in appreciation as he kisses around and up to her jaw.

"I love you," he tells her, pulling back.

"I love you too."

"Turn around." He puts his hands on her arms and spins her. "It looks good on you."

Now it's her turn to blush. "You picked well, then."

"Anything looks good on you. Now, uh...onto part two?"

Tohru takes a deep breath and nods. This is all she's been thinking about all day, wishing it would get here faster. She'd thought that, maybe, she'd prepared herself. But now that it's time to talk, she feels completely unready.

Kyo gestures toward the couch. He sits, and when she's next to him, he pulls her back against his chest. He holds onto her so tightly that it almost hurts a little, but she doesn't care and hardly even notices. He nuzzles his face into her shoulder as he starts to talk. It's like he can't even bring himself to look at her, like he doesn't want to see how she reacts. Voice shaky, he begins.

"The night you were taken to the hospital, I was still being a coward. I just sat in my room. I felt really helpless and guilty, and I didn't really know how to handle that. Eventually, Yuki came upstairs and beat the shit out of me."

Tohru's shoulders stiffen, and Kyo pauses, pressing a kiss to her neck in an attempt to relax her again.

"It was a good thing, actually. He told me that I was being stupid, and basically that I needed to man up and go make things right with you. So I went down to the hospital, but visiting hours were over, so I had to go back to Shigure's. The next time I tried to go see you...well…"

"Well what?" she whispers.

He hesitates for a few seconds more. "Uotani and Hanajima wouldn't let me in. They said that you thought I dumped you, and that talking about me made you sad. Obviously, if even hearing my name made you cry, seeing me wouldn't be good while you needed to focus on getting better. So I stayed away. No, I...I ran away. First I went to Master's, but he tried to convince me to go back to Shigure's, and to go make things right with you. I didn't wanna do that, so I left his place and went and camped up in the mountains for a while. I stopped going to school. I'm not sure why they even let me graduate after that, really.

"When I finally stopped sulking and went back to Shigure's, you were apparently already out of the hospital and living with Hanajima. I just...gave up on the idea of ever fixing what happened between us. Obviously my family didn't like that. Shigure didn't give a fuck what I did, since that psychopath never cared about anyone, anyway. But Yuki basically told me to go fuck myself, that I wasn't part of the family anymore. Rin pretty much agreed, and any time she saw me, she'd threaten to kill me if I tried to even talk to her...though I don't know how much she meant that. Akito kept calling me to see her and tried to convince me to go to you, but I just kept refusing and talking back, so she kicked me out and told me not to set foot on the estate ever again. I guess that's kind of what did it, really—I wasn't invited to any family events anymore, because they happened on the estate. Yuki didn't want me in Shigure's house anymore, so I went to Master's, then got an apartment as soon as I turned 18. I couldn't stand to stay anywhere near the Sohmas any longer than I absolutely had to.

"Haru kept talking to me, but he kept it a secret so he wouldn't piss Rin off. Kagura hung out with me, too, but she didn't hide it, and I worry that she lost some friends because of it, even though she always told me not to give it any thought."

At the mention of Kagura, Tohru's throat goes dry. She doesn't dislike Kagura, exactly...just isn't a fan of the way she's always inserted herself into any situation, even when it isn't her business. And with how much she's always loved Kyo, Tohru can't help but feel a little jealous now, as ridiculous as it is. She pushes that aside for the moment, trying to process everything else Kyo's said.

The family that he'd always wanted so desperately to belong in...the one that he was never really part of from the start...somehow made his life even worse than they had already. She hates that. Hates it with every fiber of her being. He was essentially alone for two entire years.

How could they do that?

How could they?

"Rin tolerates me now, and so does everyone else, I guess. They seemed fine when I showed up to Shigure's that night, anyway. No one talked to me, except you and Haru, but that's better than them yelling and telling me to fuck off. So I guess things are starting to get better...maybe? It doesn't matter, really. It was hard. But I deserved it. I deserved all of it."

"No you didn't," she insists immediately. "E-even...even though I thought you dumped me, break-ups happen all the time and the world keeps going. They wouldn't have acted like that if you'd broken up with someone else. It's just because...it was me…"

She doesn't realize she's teary and sobbing until Kyo kisses a tear away from her cheek. "I'm sorry…" she mumbles. "I don't know why I'm crying."

"Because you love me," Kyo says simply. She nods. That's the reason for everything she does, really, isn't it? She loves him so very much.

"But I'm okay," he adds. "It's not your fault. And like I said, things seem a little better with them, and now I have you, so none of it matters, anyway. It was a really hard two years. But in the end, we're here now, and everything's perfect."

Tohru sniffles and turns around to face Kyo. Her vision is blurry from the tears, so she squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. "Sorry," she says again.

Kyo cups her face in his hands and kisses her. "It's okay," he murmurs against her lips. "I love you. It's all okay."

When they break apart, she wipes her eyes and snuggles into Kyo's chest again. He holds her while she regains her composure. She feels awful for crying, for making this all about her. Kyo's the one who should cry. He was treated so terribly because of her. He has every right to be mad and not want to be anywhere near her. But, for some reason, he's here—he's here holding her, pressing kisses to the top of her head, rubbing her back as she tries to settle down.

She doesn't understand.

But still, a selfish part of her loves him all the more for it.

"I won't mention you tomorrow," she says after a bit. "At Shigure-san's, I mean. We can wait until you're ready."

He shakes his head. "You can tell them if you want to," he responds. "You shouldn't be a secret. You deserve more than that. Way, way more."

And even though she'd spent last night agonizing over that very thing, she doesn't care right now. She can see that woman's face so clearly still, down to the freckles sprinkled across her nose, and the heart-shaped earrings she was wearing. She can hear the tremble in her voice, the way she hesitated and then laughed bitterly at her own despair. She hears her words:

"I guess we were both a secret, huh?"

But...it's not the same. Not at all. Itsuki kept her a secret so he could deceive her and that other woman. Kyo hasn't mentioned her to his family in order to protect both of them. When it comes to Kyo, he's always protecting her in some way, it seems.

"It's okay," she tells him. "We'll wait. Don't worry."

"But—"

"You're my priority, Kyo-kun."

It's not the same. She knows that now. She can handle being this kind of secret a little bit longer, if it makes Kyo feel more secure. He's worth it.

After all, what's being kept a secret for a little more time when they have their whole lives ahead of them to make up for it?

Tohru doesn't know how to feel.

She ricochets back and forth between intense sadness and an odd, unsettling sense of rage.

She's spent all day conflicted like this, to the point that it made work a nightmare, and she's still bouncing back and forth like a metronome-gone-rogue when Kyo gets to her apartment. Just like yesterday, as soon as she opens the door, she clings to him. The amount of relief that washes over her at seeing him brings tears to her eyes. She doesn't want to cry and make him feel bad; that's not his burden to bear. But she can't seem to steady herself enough to let go, either.

"Hey," he coos, petting her hair. "It's okay."

Apparently he can already tell that she's upset, and what it is she's upset about. That doesn't surprise her. She nuzzles her nose into his chest.

"What if I get mad?" she whispers. It's been one of her biggest concerns today—what if she gets angry and snaps at Yuki or Isuzu? She loves them and doesn't want to offend them, but their actions over the past two years have also been completely unacceptable. Yes, Kyo was the Cat. Yes, that automatically means that the other Zodiac members were hardwired to shun him, in a way...but does that really make pure cruelty alright? This was after the curse had broken, too.

One thing Tohru has always loved about Kyo is that he sees her as a person. She's not a porcelain doll, one that never shatters and constantly keeps an overdone, painted-on smile visible. So he doesn't try to tell her that she won't get mad, or that she's not capable of something like that, like a lot of other people in her life might. He just kisses the top of her head.

"You'll be okay," he promises. "Even if you get mad, you'll be okay."

"You think so?"

He laughs a little, and she pulls back to look at him, puffing her cheeks out into a pout.

"Don't laugh at me," she protests.

"I'm not, I swear. You're just cute. I mean, so what if you get mad? It's not like you guys wouldn't be able to talk it out. Well, you and Yuki, at least. I don't really know if Rin talks anything out with anyone."

Tohru smiles a bit. "She talks to me."

"See? Problem solved, then." He ruffles her hair affectionately, then looks away with red cheeks. "But...also don't get mad on my behalf, 'kay? Like I said, all that shit doesn't matter anymore. I just want you to have a good time tonight."

Tohru sighs and tucks herself in against Kyo's chest again.

"I just love you so much. I want everyone to love you as much as I do," she says softly.

He chuckles again. "That's not really possible. And besides, if everyone loved me as much as you do, there would be other girls all over me and I don't think you'd like that."

His tone is teasing, and it's a completely hypothetical situation, but she still feels a pang of jealousy prod at her ribs. She backs up and rolls her eyes at him.

"I'm not the jealous type," she says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"You're a horrible liar."

"Fine, I want your family to love you. How's that, Mr. Technical?"

"Better. Still impossible maybe, but better."

"Nuh-uh. I'll make it happen!"

He snorts out a laugh. "You're so stubborn."

"You know you love it," she says, shooting him a big, cheesy grin.

"Yeah, yeah. I love everything about you."

Now it's Tohru's turn to blush. She tries to turn away before he can notice, but she's too slow—he pokes her cheek with a fingertip. "Well you're awfully red," he deadpans.

"Stop," she groans, but she can't keep the laugh out of her voice. Kyo smiles in return.

"You'd better head out, yeah?"

Tohru sighs. "I was just starting to feel better…"

Kyo reaches around her and pushes her shoulder, guiding her to the door. "Go on. Have fun. I'll be here when you get back."

She sighs again, more dramatically this time, and shoves her shoes on. She glances at him on her way out the door. "I love you."

"I love you too, dork."

She starts to feel jittery again once she's on the train. Without Kyo to distract her, she has to sit with these complicated feelings again. They make her chest burn. She tries to block it out by playing a game on her phone, checking Instagram, literally anything to make her mind just shut up. On the walk from the station, she counts her footsteps, figuring it'll preoccupy her brain.

She's still a mess inside when she gets there.

"Hey," Isuzu calls. Her long legs are dangling off of Shigure's porch, a beer bottle tucked between her thighs. Haru is next to her, and he lifts his hand in a wave.

Tohru puts on her best porcelain doll smile.

"Hi, you two! Thank you for inviting me, Isuzu-san."

Isuzu shrugs with one shoulder. "You don't need to wait for an invitation at all, you know. Want a beer?"

Tohru crinkles up her nose. "Beer…? No thank you."

Isuzu laughs a little. "There's wine, too," Haru says, stepping in for her.

"Thank you! I'm going to go get a glass and say hello to everyone."

Inside, Yuki and Kagura are talking in the kitchen. At the sight of the two of them, Tohru nearly gives up on getting a drink altogether and just goes back outside. But Yuki sees her before she can give in to that cowardice.

"Tohru! I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," Kagura chirps. Tohru has to stop herself from rolling her eyes at that one.

"It's good to see both of you." She lowers her head into a small bow, and when she picks it back up, Yuki's holding a glass of wine out to her. "Oh, th-thank you."

"It's been ages, Tohru," Kagura says, sipping her own drink. She sounds way too happy. Tohru wishes she'd just talk like a normal person instead of an animatronic for a minute. "Whatcha been up to?"

But also...as much tension as there has been with Kagura in the past, Tohru kind of owes her, too. She hung out with Kyo for two years when everyone else had abandoned him, after all. What would he have done, she wonders, if Kagura and Haru hadn't stayed attached to him? He might not be here at all.

She's awful. She should be thanking Kagura. She bites her tongue and swears to do better before answering. "Oh, you know, the usual. Work, mostly. And you?"

"Same here. Being an adult sucks."

Tohru hums in agreement and glances over her shoulder to where Isuzu and Haru are sitting outside. She tries to plan a clever escape. Yes, she needs to do better, but she also really doesn't want to sit here and chit-chat when she feels like her chest is about to burst from nervousness. But Kagura draws her into the conversation again. "Are you dating anyone, or anything exciting like that?"

"Kagura," Yuki says under his breath, then shakes his head a tiny bit when she looks over at him.

Tohru hasn't seen Kagura in a long time, since before her failed engagement and everything that came after with Asahi. She appreciates Yuki trying to protect her, but she doesn't need it. Not from him, not tonight. Not after the conversation she'd had with Kyo.

"Nope," she says.

"O-oh, I see." Pause. "Well, Yuki said you and Kyo were talking last time you came."

"Kagura," Yuki mumbles again. He shakes his head once more, sighs, and gulps down the rest of his wine. He's not sure why he entrusted Kagura of all people with that information if he didn't want her to bring it up—Tohru can tell by the look on his face, one of regret and slight self-deprecation. He refills his glass, still shaking his head.

Tohru grits her teeth. Kagura...she always does this. It's like she asks herself what the most problematic thing to bring up would be, then does that with unabashed thrill. It makes her mad—she can feel the frustration bubbling up in her chest. But she should be better. So, one deep breath later, she doesn't miss a beat when she says, "Yep."

"How was that?"

"Fine."

"Have you talked again since?"

"Nope."

The silence now is so heavy it's almost crushing. All three of them obviously feel it. Yuki looks helpless, like he still can't believe he inadvertently caused this and can't figure out how to fix it. Kagura just seems slightly confused by the suddenly-tight air in the room. Tohru is suffocating.

"I'm going to go talk to Isuzu-san and Hatsuharu-san again," she forces out after a moment, then takes off without waiting for a response.

"Your face is red," Rin points out dryly. Her face is, too, but likely because of the alcohol she's been drinking instead of being interrogated moments before. Tohru fleetingly wonders if anyone actually cooked, or if they all just plan on drinking for dinner; she should have brought something. She sighs, wishing her head would clear.

"Just…" she trails off.

"Ah," Haru comments, looking back at the kitchen, where Yuki and Kagura are now bickering, likely about Tohru. "It's Kagura, yeah?"

Haru's much more observant than anyone gives him credit for, Tohru is reminded.

"W-well...sort of."

Isuzu rolls her eyes and downs the rest of her beer. "Figures." She pats the spot next to her, and Tohru sits down on her knees. "So catch me up," Isuzu says. "I haven't talked to you much since you went on that date a while ago. With what's-his-face. What happened with that?"

For a second, Tohru thinks she notices a crack in Haru's calm facade, but his face returns to normal so quickly that she can't really confirm it.

She really doesn't want to talk about this. Is there a way she can summarize it quickly to just get it over with, without sounding completely jumpy and unlike herself? Probably not, but she's going to have to try anyway.

"Uh...it didn't go anywhere."

"What's that mean?"

Tohru hesitates. "The chemistry was more sexual than anything else, I suppose. It ended up being two nights and nothing else."

"No shit?" Isuzu asks, raising her eyebrows. "You slept with a guy you're not dating. Go, Tohru."

Tohru flushes and averts her eyes to the ground. Then, she realizes that the conversation behind them has stopped. She turns around in horror, meeting eyes with a quiet Yuki and Kagura.

No no no. Tipsy Isuzu is loud. How did she forget that?

"Who? Who'd you sleep with?" Kagura asks immediately, eyes wide. Yuki shifts his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably, but Tohru can tell by his face that he's a little interested, too. She wonders if it's because he genuinely wants to know what she's been up to, or if it's because he's trying to figure out if it was Kyo she slept with; probably calculating how hard he needs to beat him up for it.

"O-oh, uh...just a blind date. Uo-chan set me up."

"Dang. Go, Tohru," Kagura agrees, lifting her glass as if about to toast to Tohru getting laid by a practical stranger.

Tohru nods a little and turns back around.

"Sorry," Isuzu mumbles. Tohru shakes her head to let her know it's fine; it's as much her own fault as it is Isuzu's—that's a sensitive topic to be talking about in the open here.

"Was he good in bed, at least?" Isuzu asks, then, as if she's already forgotten what she just apologized for. Haru clicks his tongue in disapproval and nudges her gently with his elbow, but she ignores him. Tohru takes a second to decide how honest she wants to be.

"It was fine," she says finally. And that's the truth—it was fine. It felt good physically; Asahi clearly knew his way around a woman's body. But emotionally, there'd been nothing intimate, so of course it felt like something was missing. Tohru had spent the entire time with a dull ache in her chest from the conversation they'd had right before they stumbled into her bedroom...a pain that she'd unsuccessfully tried to block out by the slightly more pleasant sensation of Asahi pinning her down to the mattress.

If she hadn't just promised Kyo that she was going to leave him out of the conversation tonight, she's sure more would have come out of her mouth: "He just wasn't Kyo."

Because that's been the problem with everyone, really; no matter how great they seem to be, they simply can't be Kyo Sohma. Tohru pulls her knees up to her chest, subconsciously moving herself into an upright fetal position. She feels pitiful, and figures she must look it, too, but she doesn't make any effort to remedy that.

She just wants to be with Kyo right now.

She wants to eat crappy takeout with him, lie on his chest while they laugh at that trashy reality show she'd found, and then fall asleep in his arms.

She just wants Kyo.

A couple hours later, when Tohru throws her front door open, Kyo springs up off the couch. They stare at each other for a second, neither saying anything. After a bit, Kyo cracks a smile.

"Fuck, you scared m—"

Tohru cuts him off by launching herself at him. He falls back against the seat of the couch, her coming down on his chest. Tohru buries her face in the crook of his neck. He smells so good, sort of like pine trees, and he's so warm, too. It feels so good to be in his arms. How did she live without this for the past two years? How had she lived without him?

"Are you okay?" he asks softly. He brings one hand up to the back of her head, threading the fingers of it in her hair, and the other to the small of her back to rub circles against her spine.

Tohru nods. "I just love you!" she blurts. She sounds ridiculous, sort of like a little kid, even though she's supposed to be a mature adult now. But she can't even feel ashamed; being able to against his chest, and getting to tell him she loves him—those are things too wonderful to be ashamed of.

Kyo laughs. Tohru feels her cheeks heat up, now actually a little embarrassed because of it. But his laugh sounds so purely happy that she can't dwell on the emotion. She picks her head up to look at him.

"I love you," he says back. He kisses her forehead, then her nose, then her lips, then her chin. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Now he sounds goofy like a kid, and it's her turn to giggle.

"You weren't gone long," he points out. Tohru hums and leans down, pressing lazy kisses up the side of his neck. He shifts his hands down to her hips and squeezes lightly.

"I only stayed that long to be polite."

"Mm…that bad, huh?"

She nods. "You don't even want to know."

He chuckles a little and tilts his head, trying to get a look at her face. "Well now I gotta know."

Tohru groans and shakes her head. Kyo's quiet for a minute, then sits up and maneuvers their bodies until their positions are switched, Tohru now lying against the couch with him above her. He balances on his forearms and dips his head down to return the favor of all the kisses she'd just given him.

"Fine. Well, the worst of it was when Isuzu-san asked me about Asahi. I told her we just...you know...and she pointed out that, well…" Tohru pauses, squeezing her eyes shut. These are hard things to say to her boyfriend. She doesn't want to dwell on the fact that there were other men before him anymore. He's all that matters.

"You don't have to be embarrassed to talk about this kind of stuff with me, ya know," Kyo points out. He kisses her neck one last time before moving his face to meet her eyes with his own.

Tohru takes a deep breath and nods a bit. She knows that. She really 's nothing she should be embarrassed to tell Kyo about. Nothing.

"Isuzu-san was surprised that I slept with someone I wasn't dating. But she was drunk, so she was being loud, and Kagura and Yuki heard her. So now they all know about that one night stand," she blurts out in one breath.

Part of her wants Kyo to tell her that it's okay and that it's not that big a deal. But he just cringes instead. "Oh," he says.

Tohru nods and brings her hands up to her face, covering her eyes. Kyo pries them away gently.

"Hey, it's not the end of the world. Yuki loves you and just wants you to be happy. And Kagura, well...fuck, she probably won't even remember tomorrow, knowing her. She doesn't care enough to remember anyone's personal details."

"That helps a little."

"Y-yeah? Well, good. So what else happened?"

"Isuzu-san realized her mistake and apologized, but then immediately asked me if he was good in bed. Loudly."

Kyo's quiet at that. They stare at each other, and Tohru starts to spiral, thinking that she's said too much, that she's managed to find the one thing she shouldn't say to Kyo. His cheeks are a little red, his eyes dark. Even if he says it's okay to talk about, thinking about her being with another guy must sting at least a little. Tohru wishes she could take it back. After a second, he says, "Well, what did you say?"

"I...said it was fine."

"Just fine?"

"Yes," she whispers, and she hates how tiny her voice sounds. Because she knows what his follow-up question will be, and she knows that she's going to be a little scared to say it, even though she really knows she shouldn't be.

"Why was it just fine?"

Tohru takes a second to steel her nerves. "Because he wasn't you," she whispers. "So it wasn't right."

Kyo bites his lip, eyes now dark in a different way. It's somehow the sexiest she's ever seen him, and simultaneously the most boyish, too.

Then he leans down and he kisses her, hard, and suddenly everything that had happened earlier doesn't matter anymore.

Chapter 12: taste your lips and feel your skin

Summary:

"She does strange things to him, this girl."

Notes:

WARNING: the people of Twitter have spoken, and this chapter is smut. It's pretty light compared to a lot of smut, and it honestly mostly focuses on Kyo's mindset. You can definitely skip this chapter and wait for the next, if you want to.
I hope I managed to pull this off. 💕 It's definitely out of my comfort zone a bit.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kyo honestly has no idea how this happened.

Logically, the conversation they'd started out having shouldn't have led to this—to them lying on Tohru's couch with both their shirts off and his hand on her chest as she kisses up and down his neck.

They'd both been feeling emotional just minutes before. It shouldn't have ended up like this.

But then…

"Because he wasn't you. So it wasn't right."

He'd have to be made of stone to not react to that—the beautiful woman he loves lying beneath him and alluding to the fact that she wants him.

Despite being a virgin, Kyo knows what sexual desire is, of course (he's become well-acquainted with his right hand over the last few years). He knows that he's feeling it, and he knows that Tohru feels it, too. Well, he's pretty sure...like 99% sure, from how hard she's breathing and how fast her heartbeat is under his palm.

Above all else, he knows he just wants her. It's crazy, really, how badly he wants her.

"Wait," she whispers, pulling back. He sits up a bit too, so he can meet her eyes. The look on her face is...odd, for lack of a better word—pupils blown wide, lips red and swollen, cheeks ruddy, as would be expected; but also, her jaw is clenched and her brow furrowed. It immediately slows his mind back down a bit. He moves his hand away from her chest and rests it on the couch.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"W-well, nothing, just...do you want to stop?"

It's a question he should probably think about for a second; it's kind of a big deal, he supposes. But he feels like he's almost completely lost his ability for rational thought, at this point. He's hot and dizzy, on the verge of delirious. He doesn't know how to make the sensation stop, and he's not quite sure he wants it to, anyway.

"No," he says immediately. "Do you?"

"No," she agrees.

"Then are we okay?"
"More than okay. Should we…?"

"Huh? Should we what?"

She bites her lip, then takes his face in her hands. Her cold fingers are a direct contrast to how scorching-hot every inch of his body feels, and they burn his cheeks. He leans into her touch.

"Should we go to the bedroom?"

All of his cards are already on the table. They have been since he first kissed her a bit ago, and he knows that. He's completely certain she knows what he wants. But still, a weird sense of pride makes it so he doesn't want to sound too eager. He takes a second to try and come up with an aloof response. Then, despite himself, he just blurts, "Yes, please."

She giggles and presses a kiss to the tip of his nose. It's an act so pure and sweet during such a passionate moment that it makes him grin like an idiot. He shakes his head to clear it, then stands and scoops her up. She wraps her arms around his neck and uses her newfound height advantage to nibble on his earlobe. He just about drops her in surprise.

"Do...do you want your shirt?" he asks, then realizes it's just about the stupidest thing he could have said in a moment like this. They'd just agreed that they don't want to stop, so why the hell would she need to bring her shirt with her?

He has no idea what he's doing and saying. He doesn't feel connected to his body anymore. Things like this are supposed to come naturally, he's heard—so why does he feel like a disaster?

She leans back a little and looks at him, raising an eyebrow. "Am I going to need it for the rest of the night?" she asks.

He can tell by her tone that it's a serious question. Despite how eager he'd seemed a minute ago, his most recent comment has led to her deciding to give him an out, if he wants it. If he presents any hesitation, she'll tell him that they can stop here and just go cuddle, and knowing her, she'd honestly be perfectly fine with that. But he'd be insane to want to stop here, no matter how out of his realm he feels, wouldn't he?

It's not just his inexperience that's making him feel this way, though, is it? Sure, she has other experiences to compare this to, and he's probably going to be the worst by far; he's pretty certain that neither of the other guys she's been with were virgins, and that has to mean something. But it's not just about feeling inadequate. It's also about her. He's never going to let her go without a fight, is never planning on losing her again. But if something happens and he does, she's tied to him forever—there's always going to be a piece of him in her life; you can't just take back something like this. He doesn't care about a woman's body count, but their culture still sort of does. Does he have a right to add to any criticism she might face?

But he loves her so very much, and he can see in her eyes that she loves him too. She proves it to him every single day. That's enough.

He takes a deep breath to steady his nerves, then moves one hand to the waistband of her skirt. He tugs lightly. "No. I don't think you're going to need any of this, actually."

"I'm glad."

Kyo has no idea how she can sound so cool and collected saying stuff like that, and he's going to go insane if they keep doing this—standing half-naked in her living room—so he rushes toward the bedroom. When he sets her down on the bed, he notices his hands are shaking. Lying her down on the bed like this, kissing her deeply as he does, has a heavy implication to it. To calm himself down, he reminds himself of what he knows over and over: he loves Tohru more than anything in the world, knows they're going to be together forever, knows she'll take care of him and help him figure out what to do here. But at the same time, it's also just new and scary. What if he hurts her? What if he's just overall so completely shitty at this that she never wants him to touch her again?

She leans up and kisses him, not heated like before, but slow and sweet. "Get out of your head," she tells them once they've broken apart.

"Okay," he whispers back.

He nuzzles his nose against her shoulder, taking a second to compose himself with his face out of her view. A few deep breaths later, he reaches around to her back and feels for the clasp of her bra. He finds it easily enough, but actually opening it is a whole different story.

"Dammit," he mumbles. "How do you even manage to do this?"

She giggles. "Because I have to do it every day. Do you want help?"

"No," he says stubbornly, because he knows he's just that kind of person.

Tohru snorts out another laugh. "I'm so sorry for asking," she teases.

He gets it undone a second later, slips the straps off over her shoulders, and tosses the garment off to the side.

"Oh, shut up," he breathes, then he immediately clamps his mouth shut tight. He never wants to say anything like that to her, never wants to make her feel like she can't voice what she's thinking, that she can't joke around with him...but with all the tension he's feeling, it just sort of came out.

Somehow, he gets lucky and it seems to end up being a turn-on for her—she looks up at him with eyes half-lidded and murmurs, "Make me."

He groans and gives his head a little shake. "You're driving me crazy."

"Good."

He leans back down and leaves an open-mouthed kiss on the spot just below her ear, then trails his tongue down the side of her neck. She sighs and brings her hands up to his head, tugging at his hair in appreciation, so he keeps going until he's made it down to the top of her breasts.

"You're so beautiful," he murmurs, lips still against her skin.

She squeaks a little in embarrassment, and he actually feels the flush that starts to creep up from her chest, up to her neck and cheeks. He chuckles. "I mean it."

Whereas he's all sharp and jagged edges, Tohru's soft curves. It represents their personalities, too, really. But he's never been more aware of the physicality of it than he is now, with her pinned down underneath him and his lips and tongue against her breast. He feels freer to run his hands all over her right now, and she's so warm; then again, she always is, both body and soul.

That's too much thinking for right now, though.

He takes her nipple between his lips, She tilts her head further back against the pillow and sighs again, so he figures he must be on the right track with what he's doing.

His kisses move lower and lower, down across her ribs and stomach to the top of her skirt. He hears her shift on the bed as he moves further down between her legs to get into a better position, and when he looks up at her, she's sitting up and staring back with glazed-over eyes.

He pulls her skirt down, kisses along her bare thighs. Her breath audibly hitches. He gets her underwear off, too, and he thinks he knows what she's expecting, but he's not quite that bold. He takes a second to look-without-seeming-like-he-actually-is, then scoots back up to be face to face with her again.

This is where things get more serious, right? This is where he absolutely can't hurt her, absolutely can't fuck it up, because there's no coming back from a failure at this stage.

He gulps. "Can I…?"

"Mm-hmm."

Gently, he moves a hand between her legs and traces a finger up her center. His touch is apparently a little too light, because she jumps, and he pulls his hand away quickly, afraid to screw it up even more than he apparently already is.

"It's okay. It just tickled a bit," she says, so he moves back to her. She lets out a small whine as he brushes against her clit.

She's really wet.

"Holy shit," he breathes, then buries his face against the side of her neck. Obviously he knows what it means, but...did he really do that to her? How? He's being a clumsy idiot.

"W-what is it?" She sounds a little embarrassed, and that's not what he meant to have happen at all, so he wants to reassure her. But he can't get any other words to come out. "Kyo? Are you okay?"

Talk, moron. Before you ruin everything .

"Yeah. I just…" he pauses and dips a finger between her legs again. Her grip on his shoulders tightens, and she takes a deep breath. "You're just so amazing."

"Not really…" she mumbles.

She is, and he'd normally be adamant about arguing his point, but for now he changes the subject. "You don't have to hold back for me."

It feels like that's what she's doing—she's clearly trying to keep her breathing extremely steady, her body still, and her voice level. He knows she's doing it to avoid overwhelming him, but she deserves to get more out of this experience than that, no matter how anxious he is.

"Wha—? I…" she pauses and sighs, seeming to realize she can't even try to deny it; it won't get past him, if she does. "I don't want to scare you off."

There it is. Is this how she lives every day? Walking on eggshells because she's afraid to spook him? It makes him a little sad to wonder about, but it also motivates him. The stubborn side of him revs up—he will learn how to be good at this for her. He snuggles a little closer.

"You're not gonna scare me off. I'm asking you to relax. I want to know what I can do to make you feel good. I know I'm not any good at this yet, but you can teach me."

She nods a little. "Okay, well...you should touch me there again."

"Here?" he asks, moving his thumb back to where it had caused her to whimper before.

She lets a moan slip from between her lips, and Kyo swears it must be the most beautiful sound he's ever heard.

"There," she confirms.

"Okay," he says softly, takes a deep breath, then starts moving his thumb in slow, careful circles.

"Oh my god..."

When she speaks this time, he looks up at her face. Her eyes are screwed shut and she's biting down on her lip. He hopes it's a good expression and not a pained one, and judging by the sounds she's making now and then, it is.

"Is that okay?" he asks.

Tohru nods, moving one hand to the back of his neck and gently guiding his face closer to hers. She kisses him, and the movement of his thumb falters for a second because that's two things to focus on, and Kyo's brain is already short-circuiting as it is. But he gets the hang of it, and once he's coordinated again, Tohru moans against his lips. "It feels so good, Kyo."

Fuck.

She hasn't even touched him and he feels like he's on the verge of coming. To let out some of his pent up energy, he moves his lips back to her neck and sucks at the skin there. She cries out. He has no idea how he could possibly be making her feel that good when he still has no idea what the fuck he's doing, but he's also not going to question the praise.

"Can I put a finger in you?" His voice is so tight and full of lust now that he almost doesn't recognize it as his own. She does strange things to him, this girl.

She nods and pants out, "Don't ask, just do whatever you want."

So he shifts positions until he can have both hands between her legs. He slides one finger into her, then another, and then realizes for the thousandth time tonight that he's an inexperienced moron. No matter how determined he may be as he goes into this, watching porn as a horny teenage boy doesn't make up for a lack of personal experience. He doesn't want to slam his fingers into her like the guys in porn do to their partners, anyway; that doesn't seem like it could possibly feel good for her.

So he's stuck. Sex is intuitive, his ass.

After sitting still for a second, he gets lucky and Tohru steps in to help.

"Try curling your fingers." She picks her head up to glance down at his hands, but very quickly closes her eyes and lies back down..

"Uh…" he mumbles, following her instructions. She whines, and he feels her body relax again.

"Keep doing that, please."

So he works on the task he's been given—circles on her clit with one thumb, and a slightly awkward-feeling "come hither" motion with the fingers on his other hand. After a minute, she throws an arm over her eyes and moans lightly again.

"Please," she whispers, tone suddenly borderline hysterical. "Please, please, please…"

Kyo doesn't understand—she sounds desperate and unhinged, even though he's clearly not going anywhere and has no intention of leaving her hanging, if he can help it. He can't quite tell what it is she wants, and he doesn't want to ignore it, in case she's vaguely expressing an actual need. He stills the movement of his hands for a second, and she groans at the loss.

"Why are you begging?" he asks softly.

Tohru pulls her arm away from her face and opens her eyes. It's obvious, now, that she hadn't been fully aware that she was. "I...don't know…"

So it was subconscious. Do other guys stop right here? Get her close (well, he thinks she's close?) and then give up to do something else? Weird. It crosses his mind, not for the first time, that being a woman must suck in a lot of ways.

But also, Tohru Honda does not ask for what she wants. Previously, the only way she's been able to get people to take her seriously has been to become emotional, and she hates that vulnerability. Maybe slightly-incoherent babbling is just as close as she'll get to it during sex.

"You don't have to," he reassures her. "I'll give you as much...or as little as you want, okay?"

She nods a bit, and with that understanding now between them, he continues. His mind is so clouded with adrenaline that he can barely even feel his fingers anymore. He's still not quite sure what's happening, and he doesn't think he'll even remember how to do this again next time—if there even is a next time, that is. But he can't dwell on that thought for long, because now she's moaning and grinding up into his hands, and the fact that she's so needy for him in this way, so purely undone in his arms, makes him feel nearly insane.

"I—" she murmurs, "I'm going to come."

And even though he'd kind of been expecting it for a bit now, his eyes widen a little and he feels his hands stiffen up. He forces himself to get it back together quickly, kissing and nipping at her neck and continuing the movements of his hands to the best of his ability. When he feels her entire body tighten, he lifts his head to watch her face. Her mouth is wide open and she's gasping for air, her cheeks flushed. Kyo always thinks she's beautiful. But right now, she's moaning and choking out his name and shuddering and just generally turning into a mess, and it might be the most beautiful he's ever seen her.

When she settles down, she gently pushes his thumb away from her clit, so he pulls back and moves up a bit until their faces are even again. "Are you okay?" he asks.

"Oh my god," she laughs. "Of course I am. Thank you for that."

"O-oh, uh. You don't have to thank me, you dork. But, um, it felt good then, I guess?"

She raises an eyebrow and shoots him a look that suggests he's being an absolute moron by asking that. He laughs a little. "Well, I'm glad."

She hesitates for a second, then asks, "Is it okay if I touch you?"

He nods and moves until he's lying flat on his back next to her. He squeezes his eyes shut and swallows hard. As much as he's thought about this kind of thing, alone in his bedroom at night, and as safe as he feels about having his body in Tohru's hands, it's a little awkward now that it's him. Touching her was scary but also thrilling, once he got into the right mindset. Now he has nothing to focus on but himself and what he's feeling.

She straddles him, down around his knees so she has access to his belt. She gets it undone and unzips his jeans as well, then moves to help him tug the piece of clothing off. He sighs in relief at being rid of the currently-too-restricting jeans. But Tohru doesn't move, doesn't do or say anything else for a bit. He opens his eyes nervously, wondering if she might be staring. And she is. But not at the bulge in his underwear, at his face.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Eh? Yeah, I'm good." His voice cracks, and he clears his throat in an attempt to disguise it.

"You look nervous."

As always, there's apparently no use in trying to act cool around Tohru. Maybe he'll remember that and actually stop trying to do it someday. "Well of course I am."

She smiles and leans forward, slanting her lips against his own. When they part, she says, "You don't have to be. It's just me."

He's dumbstruck by her words, by all of her really. Her whole presence is intoxicating. Just her. Ridiculous. For years, she's been the only person he's wanted. The only one he's pined for, fantasized about...the only person he's ever been in love with. And now she's here, on top of him, trying to show him how much she loves him, with both intimate words and actions. That's not just anything. But that would be a lot to say right now, and way too hard to word, as well, so he just says, "Okay."

She palms at him through his boxers, and he bites back a groan. The sight of him clenching his jaw apparently worries her again.

"Do you not want me to? I'll stop," she tells him.

But despite his nerves, he knows this is right. Her hand feels so good there. Being here with her—with her red cheeks and kiss-swollen lips and eyes so full of love—just makes sense, somehow, in a way he doesn't quite understand.

"You can," he insists.

She nods a little and goes back to what she was doing. She runs her fingertips up and down his length a few times, touch feather-light, then shifts so she can tug his underwear off. He grabs her wrist and takes a deep breath. After this, she'll definitely be staring...right at his cock. He's never had an issue with his body; it's never mattered to him at all. But he'd be lying if he said this doesn't make him feel a little insecure.

"Just a sec."

"What's wrong?"

He shakes his head. "N-nothing."

She pauses, apparently considering his response for a second. When she seems to think she's figured it out, she says, "I've already seen it, you know."

"Huh? When?!"

"You used to transform in front of me all the time," she points out.

"You always screamed and turned around," he shoots back.

"Well, yes, but...toward the end there, I might have gotten a little bit slower with that."

For some reason, that actually does help a little bit. He chuckles and reaches out to her, cupping her cheek.

"Who knew you could be so sneaky?"

She giggles and leans down, parting her lips and sliding her tongue up the column of his throat and over to his ear before nipping at the lobe. He gasps a bit.

"Remember what you told me? Just relax," she says. "Let me take care of you. I really want to."

He nods and finally lets her take his boxers off. And despite how much he wants her to not stare at him right now, a thought occurs to him—one that will either totally quell or intensify his body-anxiety, based on her response. "Can I ask you something?" he asks once he's fully naked.

"Of course."

"Well, y-you know how guys worry about how...big they are, right?" She raises an eyebrow at him, a slight smirk playing at her lips. She wasn't expecting this, he can tell, but she also seems to know what's coming. "Am I...big enough? To satisfy you, I mean. Is that an actual thing?"

She bites her lip and blushes crimson. Despite everything they've done so far tonight, and everything they still have left to do, that's what gets her? She glances down at him, then away again quickly.

"You're definitely plenty…"

Okay then. He'll take that as a compliment.

"Now shush," she adds. As she leans closer, he takes another deep breath, which ends up being for nothing—as soon as he feels her hand on him, all the oxygen flees his lungs. And then, when her hand is replaced by her mouth, he sees stars.

She's doing a lot of things with her tongue that he doesn't know how to process, except to think that it all just feels so fucking good.

"Shit, Tohru," he murmurs. On its own accord, his hand moves to her hair, pulling it back for her. And now that it's away from her face, he can see what she's doing as well as feel it, and it almost makes him lose his mind. He has to close his eyes again.

"Tohru," he chokes out after a minute. "I'm gonna come if you don't stop."

She pulls her lips away from him with a slight pop. "So?" she asks, sounding just as breathless as he feels.

"So, I...don't wanna be done yet."

"Oh. Oh. Do you want to…?"

"Yeah. I mean, well, only if you want to, too!"

"I do, of course I do."

"O-okay, then…"

For a second, they just stare at each other silently. Then Kyo laughs. He has no idea why, other than the fact that this is so awkward and sweet and perfect. He bites his tongue to stop himself, hoping she doesn't misinterpret it as something negative. But then Tohru laughs, too, covering her mouth with her palm, and it's all suddenly a lot less of a big deal.

"Um, just a second, maybe I…" She says between giggles. She leans over to her nightstand, opens the drawer, and digs around for a minute. When she brings her hand back into his view, her open palm holds a condom. She tears the corner of the wrapper off, then hands him the package. He takes it, hands trembling, and rolls it down over himself. "How do you want to do this?" she asks.

He thinks it's a sort of odd question. She's the experienced one. She's the one who knows how it'll feel best for her. So shouldn't she just pick?

"However you want."

"But it's your first time."

Oh yeah. That.

Kyo ponders it for a second, then ends up just sitting up and carefully pushing her back onto the bed. He balances over her on his forearms, caging her in. When he meets her eyes, the look on her face is heart-stopping. He gulps. "Like this, then," he whispers.

"Okay."

"Are you ready?" he asks. His voice trembles a little bit, and he bites his tongue, completely frustrated with himself yet again.

"Are you?"

"Quit teasing me," he says softly, then pushes himself into her in one fluid motion. She gasps, apparently out of clever comebacks now.

Nothing Kyo has ever experienced has even felt close to this; it's intensity on a whole new level. Every nerve ending in his body comes to life, and his mind goes blank, except to think...

"Oh my god. Fuck, oh my god…" Once again, he must sound like a total idiot, but he can't stop himself from babbling. She laughs lightly in response, though it sounds a bit strained. They meet eyes for a second, but he has to look away if he has any chance of regaining his cool.

"Does it really feel that good?"

"Yeah," he chokes out, thrusting once experimentally. She moans. "Didn't it feel really good your first time, too?"

"The first time? Not really—"

He cringes. "On second thought, let's not talk about you having sex with anyone else right now."

"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, but it already feels really good right now, with you."

It's a miracle that he doesn't come immediately after that.

He takes a few deep breaths, then moves his hips again. They moan in unison this time, and Kyo shivers from it as he starts up a steady pace. He buries his face against her shoulder. She wraps her arms around him and scratches at his back lightly.

"Shit," he says under his breath. "I don't think I'm gonna last long, sorry."

She shakes her head. "Don't apologize."

He feels like he should, though. He would love to last long enough to get her off again, but it's all too much; physically, and emotionally too.

He just feels so much. She's amazing, all of her—the way her body feels, the sounds she's making, how her hands cling to him, the searing look she's giving him. The way she just cares about him in general. He doesn't really know how to express these things, but after a second, he figures out he can sum it up in one phrase:

"I love you."

"I love you too," she whispers back, and this time it's her voice that shakes. "So much."

He gets an idea and clumsily reaches between their bodies. He finds her clit with his thumb. He might not end up getting her off again, but he's sure as hell going to try. She gasps his name. And unfortunately, the face she starts making—eyes closed, mouth slightly open, neck and face flushed—coupled with his name falling from her lips in such a lewd way, makes him fall apart.

"Fuck, Tohru," he murmurs. He kisses her neck a few times as he spends into the condom. She digs her nails into the skin of his back a bit harder.

His elbows give, and he just barely catches himself before falling completely onto her. She moves one hand around to his chest, helping keep a little more distance between them. His breathing is ragged and his muscles still tense, as he lifts his head to rest his forehead on hers. Their sweaty bangs rub together and they bump noses and smile, and that alone feels so extremely intimate that for a moment, he thinks he might cry.

"Did that feel good?" she asks once he settles down. He picks his head up. Now it's his turn to shoot her a look that says she's going insane. She laughs a little. "Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," he says, kissing her cheek.

"Huh?"
"I'm sure that didn't do much for you."

She tsks and puts a hand on the back of his head, drawing him nearer so she can kiss his forehead. "It felt really, really good. And the best part was just getting to be so close to you."

Kyo's always known that he would trust Tohru with his life. He'd willingly surrender all of his heart and mind to her, if it was what she wanted. They know each other's good points, but also the darkest parts of their souls, the ones they try to hide from others. But she's right—this was a whole new kind of intimacy. He lies his head down on her shoulder. He doesn't want to move, doesn't want to let go of her.

Not ever.

Notes:

Chapter title from "Kiss Me Slowly" by Parachute

Chapter 13: and I can't wait to make a million more first times

Summary:

"Saying it and hearing it back, lying in his arms and drifting off to sleep, getting to kiss him and hug him and hold his face in her hands...she doesn't think the feeling of novelty surrounding it will ever truly fade."

Notes:

I know this is a little shorter than I usually aim for, but the next chapter should be up pretty quickly. It was supposed to be one chapter, but the mood wasn't right so I had to split it. That fortunately means that the next one is already half done though lol.
As always, you're lovely, and I hope you enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“To be intimate with the person you love and who loves you in return is one of the best feelings in the world; and it’s a sacred experience.”

That’s what Tohru had always heard when she was growing up. Most people in her life had said it at least once—sex ed teachers; her friends’ moms; TV shows and movies; even her classmates and friends themselves, because it was what they’d been told, too. Her mom had seemed to have a slightly more progressive view on sex, but Tohru had always desperately tried to avoid conversations like that, so she doesn’t know too much about it.

For a while there, after a failed engagement and an unplanned one night stand, she thought that was simply a worn-out cliché. Sex is sex, and love is love. It would be ideal to have both, sure, but life isn’t a fairytale. Maybe they can exist separately—that was all she’d experienced up to this point, after all. She’d loved Itsuki with her entire being, but it was never truly returned, and they’d still had sex. Then, as it turned out, neither Asahi nor she were really in love with each other, but they’d still had sex.

But with Kyo…

She understands, now, what everyone meant. The only way to describe that experience is to call it “magical,” she thinks, as cheesy as that might be. It was something felt with not just her body, but also her heart and soul, and that was only possible because he’d felt the same way.

Kyo lays his head down on her shoulder, and for a second, all she can do is stare up at the ceiling. Her entire body still tingles. It’s bizarre. She moves one hand up to the back of his head and runs her fingers through his hair, because this was a totally new experience for him and she needs to be a good girlfriend and make sure he’s still okay, even though she’s too out of breath to speak. They lie like that for a little while, still sweaty and tired, but also comfortably-quiet.

Tohru wants to tell him she loves him. That’s really the only way she can describe what she’s feeling, right? But when she opens her mouth, no words come out, just an odd strangled sobbing noise.

Kyo’s head flies up at the sound, and even though she can’t quite tell, she knows she must be crying, because the look on his face is horrified . “Oh my god,” he says.

He scrambles to get off of her, and once he’s sitting next to her, he grabs her shoulders and pulls her into his arms. “What’s wrong? What happened? Did I hurt you?” He starts looking all over her body as if assessing her for injuries, which she knows he won’t find. Because she doesn’t hurt; in fact, she’s never felt better. But the tears still won’t stop coming.

She sniffles. “I’m okay, really,” she chokes out.

Hearing her finally talk seems to relieve him a bit, at least. “Yeah, ‘cause people who are okay cry like this all the time, you dork.”

She gives a watery laugh and pulls back just far enough to look at him. She doesn’t know how to put any of her feelings into words, so she just settles on, “I just love you so much.”

“I love you too,” he tells her. He kisses her forehead and wipes at her cheeks with his thumbs. “So, so much.”

Hearing him say that makes her feel a little braver, for some reason. So she decides to ask for something she’s never dared to before, with anyone else: “Will you stay and cuddle me for a while?”

And in return, she gets a response that she wasn’t allowing herself to really expect, for some reason: “Of course. I’d be crazy to wanna go anywhere else right now.”

But of course she should have expected that from Kyo. Because he loves her.

Tohru sniffles and lies back down. She waits for him to join her, but he just sits there for a second, watching her. At being stared at, she feels a blush creep across her cheeks.

“Are you okay now?” he asks.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Then, I, uh...I’ll be right back, okay?”

She blinks, then follows his gaze down his body a bit. “ Oh . Right.”

He gets up and heads into the bathroom, where he calls out to her, “Do you want a towel?”

“Yes, please.”

When he comes back with one, he kneels at the foot of the bed and gently pushes at one of her knees. A little confused, she hesitates for just a split second, but then opens her legs like he wants, and her heart lurches when she figures out what he’s doing. He takes the towel and gently rubs at her inner thighs, cleaning up the slickness there. Once he’s done, he kisses the insides of her knees before getting back up. She has to bite her tongue, hard , to keep from crying again.

He slips back into bed at her side, and she flips over until she can scoot in closer and press her back to his chest. He wraps his arms around her, effectively making her the little spoon like she’d wanted. Kyo kisses her temple.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

“Huh? For what?”

“Just...for being you. For loving me. For this.”

She takes a deep breath. “Loving you,” she says softly, “is the best thing I’ve ever gotten to do.”

He’s quiet for a second, then says, “Sap. You’re gonna make me cry, too.”

“You started it,” she giggles.

He nuzzles his face into her hair, and she knows he’s smiling. “So,” he says after a second, “You’re really okay? Not lying to me so I don’t worry?”

“I’m alright, I promise. And besides...we both know that doesn’t work with you.”

He hums in agreement, then adds, “Just a post-sex crier, then, huh?” His tone is teasing, but Tohru feels a flush on her face all the same.

“Just with you.”

“I...don’t know how to feel about that.”

She giggles and looks over her shoulder at Kyo. “They were happy tears,” she assures him. “Promise.”

He nods a little and leans down, resting his forehead against her shoulder. She feels a dampness against her bare skin. And even though he’s not saying anything, she gets it. She picks up one of his hands and kisses the back of it, just to let him know that she’s here and she understands. “Okay,” he says softly.

They stay like that, wrapped up in each other, and after a bit Tohru lets her eyes close, breathing becoming deep and even. But Kyo’s voice breaks the spell she’s under.

“You awake?”

“Mm...yes.”

“Can I ask you something?”

She opens her eyes, then blinks a few times to wake herself back up. “I don’t know.”

“Huh?” He clearly hadn’t been expecting that. She smirks.

“Last time you said that, your question ended up being embarrassing.”

“Oh...yeah.”

She laughs and glances over her shoulder again, waiting for him to continue, because they both know he’s allowed.

“You’d tell me if I were doing something wrong with all this , right? You wouldn’t just suffer through it to spare my feelings?”

“Of course I’d tell you. Remember what you said when we first kissed?”

“Uh…”

“You said I’d better tell you if I didn’t like kissing you, because you’re the only person I’ll ever kiss again. The same goes for this. You’re it, so if I don’t like it, I’d better speak up. Yeah?”

He chuckles and kisses her cheek. His arms tighten a bit around her waist. “Yeah. Okay. Also, sorry to bring this up right now, but...Kagura’s dragging me to the movies tomorrow night.”

Tohru raises an eyebrow. She’s not a fan of that subject change, or Kagura, if she’s being honest. “Oh.”

“Yeah. But if you’re not okay with it, just say so and I won’t go.”

“I…” she trails off, then starts down a different path. She needs to do better; so she makes a joke, because that’s as much as she thinks she can do right now. “We decided I’m not the jealous type, right?”

He laughs, though it sounds just a little tight. “ No , we decided that’s bullshit.”

“I’ll be fine. I trust you.”

“I’m glad. But I also know that Kagura is...well, a lot.”

She snorts out a laugh. “Yeah, well. She’s also your friend, though. She helped keep you safe when I couldn’t be there.”

He sighs, and in it, she can hear that he knows what she’s thinking. “You don’t owe her anything,” he reminds her.

She doesn’t feel like that’s quite true, but she’s too tired and still too happy to care to explain herself, so she just says, “Okay. You can still go, though.”

“Do you, uh...want to come?”

Tohru smiles, glad she’s facing away from him again so he can’t see it—she knows he’s being serious, but it’s just too adorable . “Do you need me to chaperone?” she teases.

“‘Course not...just thought it might make you feel better.”

“I have to stay at work late tomorrow for a staff meeting. But thank you, really. It’s okay.”

“Yeah? I guess that works out, then. I won’t feel like I’m missing out on any time with you.”

She presses a kiss to the back of his hand again, then rolls over in his arms, finally having had enough of not being able to kiss him fully. “What time is the movie?”

“5, I think.”

“I get off at 7:30-ish. Want to pick me up and get some dinner or something?”

“Definitely. I…” He snaps his mouth shut and averts his eyes, cheeks reddening.

“You what?” Tohru reaches up and pushes his bangs back from his face. They’re still damp with sweat, and they stick out at weird angles; she bites back a giggle at the sight and focuses on the task at hand—getting him to talk. She always wants to know what he’s thinking, wants to be a safe place for him to say whatever’s on his mind. But if she’s not careful, he might spook like he did back then.

“I was just thinking...I wish you could skip work and I could skip the movie, and we could just run away together.”

She smiles a little. It’s a sweet sentiment. It truly attests to how much he loves her. But also…

“The curse is broken. We can be together without getting in trouble. What would we have to run away from now?”

His expression softens again, and he brings his gaze back to her face. “Good point. I have everything I need right here, don’t I?”

Now her cheeks turn red, and she buries her face against his chest in an attempt to hide it. From the way he chuckles, though, she can tell he saw. She groans pathetically at the realization, and he runs his fingers through her hair as a peace offering. She lets her eyes close again.

“I love you,” she murmurs one more time; she doesn’t quite know why she says it so much—maybe she’s a little worried he’ll forget, or maybe she just understands that he hasn’t been told that nearly as often as he should.

“I love you, Tohru.”

Saying it and hearing it back, lying in his arms and drifting off to sleep, getting to kiss him and hug him and hold his face in her hands...she doesn’t think the feeling of novelty surrounding it will ever truly fade. And that’s okay. She’d never wish for this lovely burning in her chest, the smile that’s always pulling at her lips now, and the way her name spins with his name constantly to disappear.

Work is killing him.

He’s lucky to have a job he loves, and he knows that. But today he’s tired from staying awake late and getting up early. His arms and legs feel slightly like jelly; he doesn’t get that part. He didn’t do anything particularly strenuous last night. He figures it must all be in his mind. Regardless, it causes him to miss kicks and punches, and therefore leads to Kunimitsu teasing him to death. If Kyo were confident in his martial arts ability at all today, he thinks he might try to kick Kunimitsu so high he goes into orbit. But not only could that be another embarrassing failure, it would also likely get him in trouble with Kazuma. So instead, he practices patience by simply pretending Kunimitsu doesn’t exist.

Even though he only works for his dad, there’s a limit to how much trouble he can cause...and how many days he can take off, he figures. So he’d left Tohru’s insanely early this morning. Like, so early that Tohru—who’s also a somewhat-early riser—didn’t even budge. He’d kissed her face and promised to see her later, and she hadn’t even opened her eyes. It was sort of adorable, really. But now, after doing that, rushing home to shower and change, and then basically sprinting the entire way to work so he wouldn’t be late, Kyo’s fucking exhausted.

That exhaustion only increases when the last class of the day leaves and he sees Kagura walking up the path to Master’s dojo.

He’s learned to tolerate Kagura’s somewhat overwhelming personality, and usually even likes spending time with her now—now that there’s an understanding there’s nothing romantic there, and she doesn’t smack him around and get jealous every time someone looks in his direction. Now that those adjustments to their relationship have been made, it’s nice to have someone who he’s known for so long be around. Not that he’d ever tell her that, though.

And god damn it, not today. She’s going to be too much—he can tell just by the way she’s walking , by the way her speed picks up when she sees that he’s standing outside the dojo.

“Kyoooo!” He bites back a sigh. When she finally gets to him, she gives the sleeve of his gi a little tug. “It’s been too long!”

“It’s only been like, two weeks,” he points out.

“That’s so long,” she whines. Then she tilts her head to the side, looking him over, and adds, “You seem...different.”

“Eh? Different how?”

“Mmm, I don’t know...happier, maybe?”

“Ah—” Kyo scratches at the back of his neck, feeling awkward under her heavy stare. He could tell her, right? Tohru probably wouldn’t be mad; in fact, she’d probably be glad he feels ready to say something to someone. But then again...it’s Kagura. She would spread the news at lightning speed, and then he’d have a whole mess to deal with because he didn’t say anything to the other Sohmas himself .

Things are getting really serious between him and Tohru now. Well, they’ve always been serious, he supposes—he can’t remember a time that he wasn’t dizzy with love for her, a time when he wasn’t in too deep, a time he didn’t know that he’d rather fall off the face of the earth than have to live without her. She’s it. She’s always been it. There’s no room to go anywhere else, and he doesn’t want there to be, either.

He decides to test the waters with Kagura by being vague. “Uh. I’m seeing someone.”

Kagura blinks. “Like...a girl?”

Kyo rolls his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, I’m just...surprised. I didn’t think that...well no one thought that you’d ever fall in love again after—”

No. Too much.

“I don’t wanna talk about that,” he says firmly, cutting her off. To his slight surprise, she immediately just snaps her mouth shut and nods.

Kyo nods back and starts to walk toward the dojo. “I’m gonna change, then we can go.”

He feels a little bad about leaving her out there alone, standing with her back stiff and straight, her face sort of pale like she’s just seen a ghost. But he also doesn’t. He’d set a boundary, and she needs to respect that, no matter how uncomfortable it makes her feel.

She’ll get to know someday. Just...not now, when he’s not prepared to handle the chaos that’s going to come with that.

Waking up without Kyo next to her this morning had been odd. Painful and unsettling in a way she doesn’t understand. It’s left her feeling just slightly off all day, though she’s still mostly on cloud nine from last night. The grogginess she feels, and the loneliness that accompanied waking up alone are worth that.

She’s not really supposed to be on her phone at work but she keeps it on her desk, just out of view of anyone walking into the building, and glances at it frequently. She feels like a silly high schooler, checking her phone repeatedly hoping her boyfriend will eventually text her. He’s busy at work, that’s all. And she’s going to be busy in just a bit, too.

At five, she checks her phone one last time. Kyo’s at the movies with Kagura by now. She hopes he’s at least having a little fun. The front door to the office opens, then, the small bell on it jingling to announce the arrival of some of her coworkers; working in a real estate office, she’s often alone while others work elsewhere, but they all filter in for the meeting once a month. She takes a deep breath to steady herself. She needs to forget about Kyo for a while. She’ll see him later. For now, she needs to focus on getting through this meeting.

Because she knows she’s about to deal with emotions even more complicated than she has been.

Notes:

Chapter title from "First Times" by Ed Sheeran

Chapter 14: you're falling apart and tearing at the seams

Summary:

"He’s tired of people trying to take advantage of her. Isn’t she, too?"

Notes:

👋🏻💕
Here's what was going to be part of the previous chapter. The next one will definitely not be up so quickly. 😅
I hope you enjoy...as much as anyone enjoys angst?

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kagura has been quiet for the last 20 minutes, and it might be the best 20 minutes of Kyo's life.

Well...that might be a little dramatic. But a quiet train ride with Kagura is extremely nice, especially today. But as soon as they step off the train:

"So, what's she like?"

Kyo groans through gritted teeth. "Kagura."

"Just tell me a little bit. Is she nice?"

"No, I'm dating her because she's mean."

Kagura puffs her lower lip out into a pout, and Kyo actually can't help but chuckle a bit—the expression is just so dramatically pathetic. It makes him give in a little. "Yeah, she's nice. And pretty, and smart. And funny, even when she's not trying to be. She's amazing."

Kagura is quiet for a second before simply deadpanning, "That was cheesy."

"You asked," Kyo points out.

"What's her name?"

"You don't need to know that."

"You're no fun, Kyo!"

He sighs and turns to look at her. "Listen, if I want to keep things private, that's only my business and hers. It's not like the rest of the family's gonna be too thrilled about me dating after what happened. They don't think I deserve it."

"How do you know?"

"...What?"

"How do you know they would be mad about you dating? It's not like you've done it before, and now you're keeping it a secret. You haven't given them a chance to react."

Kyo has to admit to himself that it's a somewhat good point, but he sure as hell won't actually say that and risk inflating her ego more than it already is. But also, after banishing him from the estate and essentially ignoring him for the last two years, doesn't he have good reason to suspect that they won't be on board with this?—with him being happy, falling in love, living like a normal person to the best of his ability. And that frustration will only get worse after they find out just who has been keeping him company.

In their eyes, he's not good enough to even breathe the same air as Tohru, let alone touch her and kiss her and tell her he loves her. He's not good enough to deserve the way she looks at him, the way she blushes whenever he walks into a room, or how she giggles at his horrible jokes.

And really, they're right. He doesn't deserve those things. For the past month or so, he's been running off of adrenaline, and an understanding that he just shouldn't question the stroke of good luck that brought Tohru back to him and made her love him. But sometimes, he still finds himself wondering about it a little bit.

"Can we just drop it, please?" he asks. Something in his tone makes Kagura look over at him. He stops walking, and she falls into a halt next to him.

"Kyo…"

"Please, Kagura."

"O-okay."

Kyo takes a deep breath and looks up at the sky, swallowing down the lump in his throat as he does. It's starting to stay light later, an effect of spring creeping up on Tokyo. But it's still chilly enough to try and blame the redness of his cheeks and the glassiness of his eyes on the cold air. And if Kagura asks, that's exactly what he'll do.

"We're gonna be late," he says, bringing his face back down.

He starts walking again, and she rushes to catch up. Once she makes it to his side, he feels her grab at his sleeve. When he looks down at her, she's keeping her eyes forward, purposely avoiding meeting his gaze, it seems. But she slides her hand down his forearm and slips it into his.

"Everything's okay," she says simply. She squeezes his hand once, then lets go. And that's that—afterwards, the skip returns to her step and the excitement comes back to her voice as they near the theater.

It somehow makes Kyo's heart a little warm.

Tohru starts to gather her things from her desk as her coworkers wave to her and move into the meeting room.

Is everyone here already? Then maybe…

The bell goes off once more, and she hears a familiar laugh near the door. Her heart lurches. She actually drops her phone back onto her desk, the echo of the clatter attracting the attention of everyone still in the room.

Including him.

They meet eyes, and Itsuki nods at her. She immediately looks away. He does a lot of fieldwork, so he's not in the office much, usually sparing Tohru from seeing him. Considering that, it had really just been a cruel trick of fate that they met here in the first place. But they have these staff meetings once a month, and at every one, Itsuki of course shows up. And every time, it makes her heart ache in a way she can't quite explain.

She should be used to it by now. She spent the last few hours trying to mentally prepare herself for him to be here. She's done with him, 100% finished. She doesn't feel anything for him. But he somehow still has enough of a grip on her to make her unravel a little bit every time she sees him. She hates it. It makes her feel so ashamed of herself.

Because she's in love with someone else now, and that new love makes her so so happy. But when Itsuki's around, she can't help but think about the past, and it brings all the hurt back, as though it had all just happened yesterday.

Tohru's become good at escaping work situations he's involved in, though: so she picks up her fallen phone and rushes into the meeting room. She takes a seat in the corner, trying to stay as far away from everyone else as possible.

But then Itsuki's in the room, too, and he derails her technique: Whereas he usually would go sit somewhere else, tonight he drags a chair over to where she is. When he sits, Tohru sighs loudly, hoping he'll get the hint and go away. But he just looks at her sidelong and asks, "Can we talk after this?"

They haven't talked in months, and that's exactly how it should be.

Tohru shakes her head and opens her notebook to a new page, busying herself by preparing to take notes. She ends up doodling swirls on the page nervously. She can feel Itsuki staring at her, waiting for an actual answer, and probably also thinking about how childish she's being by destroying her paper in an attempt to ignore him.

He was always telling her how childish she is.

"Why now?" she asks finally, just wanting his eyes to get off of her.

"I'm finally ready to apologize. Like, really apologize."

She sighs again. An apology that's genuine would be nice. She wanted it for weeks after their breakup—alone at night in her new apartment, part of her wished for a real apology and an invitation to go back home; if that happened, she'd be able to pretend her whole life hadn't been falling apart. Even now, being able to take an actual apology, neatly wrap it up, tie a bow on it, and compartmentalize it in her brain never to be thought about again, is appealing. But she's also come to terms with the fact that she'll likely never have the closure she'd hoped for. She's okay with that now.

Maybe, if it had been five months ago, or even just one month ago, she would have said yes and gone off with him to chat. But she's not who she was then. She's more mature, and in love in a whole different way—a real way. She doesn't want anything to do with Itsuki. She doesn't want to hear him talk about the past and make her remember things. She doesn't want to ever have to think about a life with anyone other than Kyo.

"I have somewhere to be after this."

"Oh yeah?" He raises an eyebrow. "You were never really one to go out."

He never let her go out.

She gives a one-shouldered shrug and simply looks to their manager, who's attempting to start the meeting from the front of the room.

Itsuki at least has enough common sense to not distract Tohru during the meeting, and he actually seems to be paying attention, which is rare for him—focus was never one of his strong suits. As soon as the meeting is over, Tohru quickly eyes her notes, which she'll have to type up into a staff-wide email tomorrow, and then stands. She attempts to take off, trying to shove things into her bag as she goes, but Itsuki grabs her wrist. Something about that simple action makes her see red.

"Don't touch me," she snaps, yanking it away.

"Tohru, please…"

"Just…" She trails off, then shakes her head and starts over, hoping her voice won't tremble this time. "You've done enough. Just leave me alone. Please, Itsuki."

She turns and looks at him, then—actually looks at him. He looks sad. Pitiful might be a better word for it, actually. He stares back at her, his lips drawn into a tight line, eyes narrowed slightly with hurt. For just a second, Tohru feels guilty that she's apparently insulted him. Immediately, though, she turns back around, breaking that thought, and starts walking again.

She decides to take the stairs to avoid possibly ending up in the same elevator as Itsuki. But eight flights of stairs in slight heels proves to be a daunting task, especially when she hears his voice call her name behind her. As he starts to catch up, she pauses for a second to kick off her shoes and pick them up, then continues downward barefoot. She feels the bottom of her foot snag on the rough industrial metal of the steps, and the bottom of her tights tears. Stupid. Now she needs to buy more.

He was always telling her how dumb she was about stuff like this.

He was always telling her how unladylike she was, to do things like this.

"Tohru...thirty seconds, please. Just thirty seconds!"

How many times had she given him "just thirty seconds"?

She makes it to the lobby, Itsuki still on her heels, and she prays that Kyo is already outside waiting for her. She hates this—feeling scared like a little girl, waiting for her protector to come rescue her. But she doesn't know how else to behave—because when she opens the door and starts to walk out, Itsuki grabs her arm again, and her vision is suddenly watery, and she tries to shake herself loose, but she can't. He's strong and tall. She's always had a thing for men larger than her. It used to make her feel dainty and feminine, but now it just makes her feel terrified.

"Tohru, you're drawing attention. Just calm down for a second."

He was always telling her she was making a scene.

"Hey."

Tohru blinks away her tears and looks up toward the source of the voice. Everything's a little blurry, but she knows who it is, just by the sound of his voice. Kyo starts to walk over, and Itsuki immediately lets go.

"Is there a problem?" Kyo asks. His voice is perfectly level, but Tohru can tell that he's livid.

"Nah, man. We're fine," Itsuki mumbles.

"So harassing girls is fine now?"

"We were just talking."

Kyo takes in a deep breath, ready to argue, but Tohru crosses the rest of the space between them as quickly as possible. She throws her arms around his torso and looks up at him, shaking her head. She wants him to just leave it alone. Just forget about it and get her out of here. He lowers his face to meet her eyes, and he wraps his arms around her in return, pulling her in close to his chest.

"Oh. So that's how it is," Itsuki grumbles.

Kyo rubs Tohru's back, an action so sweet and calm in contrast to his next words. "Yeah, that's how it is. So mind your own fucking business." Then he leans down and presses a kiss to Tohru's cheek. "Are you hurt?" he asks. She gives her head a little shake.

"Itsuki!" a voice calls out from a little further down the block. "If you're done being a drama queen, we're going drinking. You in?"

Itsuki scoffs and starts walking toward their coworker. "Yeah, yeah. But I'm the drama queen here? Really?"

As soon as Itsuki's name was called, Tohru had felt Kyo's body stiffen up. He knows that name, and everything that comes along with it.

"Was that…?" he starts to ask. But he can't seem to complete the sentence. When his voice cracks a little and trails off, Tohru finishes for him by nodding.

"What the hell did he want?"

"I don't know." Tohru sniffles and shakes her head. "To talk, he said. To apologize."

"Now? After all this time?"

She takes a deep breath and wipes the remaining tears from her eyes. "I guess he's trying to make amends. Maybe."

Kyo scoffs. Tohru takes a step back so she can see him better. "You really think that? More like he was trying to hook up with you."

That thought hadn't even occurred to her.

"You...think so…?"

"I...well, isn't that obvious? Is he really the kind of guy who'd want to make amends now?" Kyo's cheeks are red. Tohru can't quite tell if it's from rage, slight embarrassment at talking about such a thing, or just the chilly wind blowing by.

"I didn't…" she murmurs.

Kyo moves his hands down to her hips, squeezing a little. He does that a lot, she's noticed, and she's used to it feeling good, something to look forward to when they're kissing or cuddling because she knows it means he loves her and is attracted to her. But it feels different now, somehow. She bites her lip and looks away. She feels like he's going to say something bad, though she's not really sure what, and she doesn't think she can bear to be looking into his eyes when he does.

"Tohru…" he says softly. "You aren't…? Are you…?"

She waits a second for him to finish, but he doesn't. He just trails off, moving his hands away from her and putting them in his pockets.

"What?" she asks.

"N-nothing...just, are you ready to go?"

"Oh...yes." Tohru reaches out, and he takes her hand, locking their fingers together.

That wasn't what he was about to say, and she knows it. She's not sure what exactly he'd planned on asking, but it definitely wasn't that.

She doesn't know if she has the courage to ask him for the truth right now, though.

You aren't still in love with him, are you? Are you really totally over him?

That's what he'd planned to ask her. But he managed to stop himself, and he's glad he did. It would have upset her, and he knows the answers to those questions, really.

No, she's not still in love with Itsuki. Tohru loves him now.

Of course she's completely over Itsuki. Tohru loves him now.

He knew her tears had been genuine, and had fallen out of fear and pain. He hadn't doubted that for a second. But at the same time, she was so oblivious to Itsuki's obvious intentions. No asshole like that apologizes if he isn't trying to get something. Get some one. Kyo's just not sure why he'd try to make someone as wonderful as Tohru feel miserable again, though, when he could just go pick someone up, have sex with them, and leave them again with no hard feelings. That seems like it would be more his style.

Even so, after all Tohru's been through with that guy, and then with Asahi, shouldn't she be able to recognize when a guy's doing that?

He's tired of people trying to take advantage of her. Isn't she, too?

They don't say anything on the way back to her apartment. They just walk together, Tohru still carrying her shoes in the hand that's not linked with his and staring at the pavement in front of her. When they make it, she unlocks the door with shaky hands and heads straight for the kitchen.

"Uh…" Kyo mumbles, lining his shoes up with hers in the genkan. "Are you hungry?"

"No."

"'Cause I can cook."

"No."

He raises an eyebrow, and when he looks up at her, she's leaning back against the counter with a stemless wine glass in one hand, and a bottle of white wine next to her. Aside from that one night at Shigure's, he's never seen her drink—and even then, she'd hardly touched her wine at all.

"Tohru...are you sure you want to drink right now?"

"Just a glass."

If she were planning to drink "just a glass," wouldn't she have put the bottle away? But he has no say in when she drinks or how much, especially not after the night she'd had.

"Let's take it to bed," he suggests. She takes a big sip, then nods and follows him into her bedroom. "Want pajamas?" She doesn't answer, so he walks over, takes her glass, and sets it on the nightstand. "C'mon."

After a second, she complies and gets changed, then into bed next to him. She finishes her glass of wine a little too quickly for Kyo's comfort, then lies down on her side, facing him. He reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "Talk to me," he says softly. She just closes her eyes and sets her jaw. "Please," he adds, tone pleading.

He doesn't like this. Not at all. Tohru always talks to him. Ever since they met, he's been her confidant, the one she comes to with problems and negative emotions. Just a few minutes of talking to Itsuki has reverted her back to this? To bottling up her feelings, even around Kyo?

He's not going to let that happen.

He rubs his thumb against her cheek. "More happened with him, didn't it? More than cheating?"

Tohru takes a deep, shaky breath, and finally opens her eyes to look at him again. "Well...it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. But no relationship is."

"Well, some are worse than others, I guess. Was yours one of the bad ones?"

"Depended on the day."

"Were there more bad days than good, though?"

She hesitates, then says quietly, "Yes.

"Was he rough with you, like he was tonight?"

Tohru shakes her head a bit. "No. Not with his hands, at least."

"With words?"

"Mm-hmm."

It makes him furious. He wants to find that jackass and beat him into the ground. Tohru doesn't deserve to be treated like that. He's sure all she had done to Itsuki was try to love him and take care of him, because that's the kind of person she is—a good one.

"But you still loved him?" he asks.

Her eyes water. She closes them again, in an attempt to keep from crying, but the tears seep out anyway. She nods. "I did. I really loved him," she whispers.

He doesn't take time to process that. It hurts too much right now—to think about her loving someone and giving them her best when they just spent every day tearing her to shreds...to think about her loving someone else at all.

"I love you," he blurts instead. It's not a helpful response, he knows, but he can't help it. He needs to say it.

And he needs to hear it back.

"I love you so much."

He feels a little bit of the tension leave his body at that.

"Please...please don't ever think that I don't love you because of him. I love you. I've always loved you, and I always will. You mean more to me than he ever did," she adds.

Guilt churns his gut, and Kyo slides an arm around her waist and pulls her closer. Even after the night she's had, even with how shitty she's obviously still feeling, she's still trying to take care of him.

He nuzzles his nose against the top of her head, inhaling the smell of her strawberry shampoo and pressing kisses to her hair. It calms him down. "Sorry," he murmurs. This isn't about him. He didn't even mean to make it about him, but he may as well be a piece of plexiglass with the way Tohru sees through him. "What do you need right now? What can I do?"

"I'm okay. You have work tomorrow. You should go home and get some rest."

"Uh…"

She pulls her head back a little and looks up at him. "I know how tiring it is to stay over here and then rush back to your apartment before work."

"It's okay," he says immediately, and he means it. "I can't think of a better reason than holding you to be tired."

Tohru smiles a little, and while it looks weary, it doesn't exactly seem sad. That relieves him, at least.

"It's okay to be selfish sometimes, Kyo-kun," she reminds him.

He sighs. She throws those words back at him like they're nothing. Like he's her—selfless and kind—when in reality he's always just taking, taking, taking. When in reality, he's always selfish.

"Yeah, well...I can be selfish tomorrow."

She shakes her head a little, but she definitely doesn't have any fighting spirit in her tonight, so she just snuggles up to him again and lets herself doze off.

He's not going to get any sleep. He knows that. He's surprised at how quickly she falls asleep.

But that's okay. If he can lie here and protect her, it's okay. Humans started drinking coffee for a reason. Or even having an energy drink just once won't kill him.

His mind is still swirling with questions. Questions about her relationship with Itsuki, questions about how she's been able to move on...questions about if she's actually completely moved on. Questions about how he can help her do it, if she still needs to.

But, despite all the uncertainty surrounding them tonight, he knows one thing for sure: as long as she's here, okay and safe in his arms, then so is he.

It's enough. That'll always be enough.

Tohru's not quite sure how she manages to drag herself into work this morning, but she does it. She has no other choice.

A couple of her coworkers eye her as she sits down at the front desk, obviously confused, and she tries to ignore them. She knows, then, that they saw her last night. That realization hurts. She's sure nearly everyone here knows about her past relationship with Itsuki, but she didn't tell anyone why they actually broke up. From the looks they're shooting at her, she guesses that he never gave any reason, either.

When the office phone rings, she picks it up immediately, happy for the distraction. One of the few perks of being a secretary at a real estate office in Tokyo is that she can count on it always being busy. There's hardly ever time to get caught up in her feelings here.

Though, a couple hours in, she does have a second of downtime. She uses it to send Kyo a text:

I'm so sorry.

Notes:

Chapter title from "Heaven Forbid" by The Fray

Chapter 15: I'm stupid in love, and there's nothing I can do

Summary:

"He knows what she's sorry about, but she has no reason to be. None of it was her fault.
Really, he can't think of the last time anything was actually Tohru's fault."

Notes:

👋🏻Sorry this took quite a while. I've been out of town a lot the past few weeks, which has included spending a lot of time on a plane. Planes somehow just drain my energy, both creative and just in general. I hope you enjoy, though.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I'm so sorry.

He knows what she's sorry about, but she has no reason to be. None of it was her fault.

Really, he can't think of the last time anything was actually Tohru's fault.

He knows what he does next isn't going to solve anything for her. She'll probably end up reading it, and then sitting at work fretting over it for the rest of the day— "His tone was off…" "No emojis?" "I really messed up." "Does he still love me?"

But he says it anyway: Everything's okay.

Because that's the truth; when it comes to them, everything is okay, as far as he's concerned. And of course he still loves her. He became aware of the fact that Tohru's life is messy long ago, and he loves her all the more for it because she handles it with strength. Even after everything she's been through in her 20 years, even though the world has seemingly been against her ever since she was born, she hasn't let anything take her kind heart from her.

She's stronger than he is. Way stronger. And just generally a better person, too.

He adds a second text: Want to spend the night at my place tonight?

The response comes quickly, but now it's his turn to worry.

Okay, yes.

That wasn't incredibly enthusiastic.

Does she really not think everything is okay with them?

He wants to call her. He needs to hear her voice, even though she's at work and she might not answer. At least he'd get to hear her voicemail message. But right before he can hit the "call" button, Kunimitsu yells for him.

He shakes his head and tucks his phone back into his bag.

Itsuki doesn't come into the office at all today, thank god. Tohru mostly gets left alone, kept busy with her paperwork and answering the phone, and that's how she likes it—she doesn't think she can handle much in-person communication today.

She packs up her things and leaves promptly at 5:30, trying to dodge any coworkers that might come talk to her. She bites back a groan as she steps into the elevator. How stupid, to be afraid of her own coworkers. Maybe she should just find another job. No...that would just make her stupid and a coward, wouldn't it?

Once she's outside, a cold wind blows by, ruffling her hair and leaving her just generally freezing. She's never been any good at leaving the house prepared for adverse weather, but there's no use complaining about it, so she just hikes her bag up higher on her shoulder and crosses her arms over herself as she starts walking.

"Didn't bring a coat?"

Tohru squeaks, and she's sure she must jump 3 feet in the air in surprise. But she knows the voice, so she's able to compose herself quickly, and walks over to its source.

Kyo wraps his arms around her, and she tilts her head up to look at him.

"I didn't think it would be cold today," she says softly.

"It's March, dummy." He lets go of her for a second, pulls off his own coat, and puts it around her shoulders.

"N-no," she insists, trying to push it back to him. "I'm fine, really."

"Hey." He leans down until their faces are level and just centimeters apart, and Tohru's breath catches, whatever words she was going to say next now dead in her throat. He presses a kiss to her temple. "Just take the coat."

She nods a little, and he straightens back up, taking her hand. "Do you still want to come over?"

"Mm-hmm. I didn't know you were going to come get me, though."

He gives her a little tug, and they start walking. "I couldn't wait any longer," he says simply.

And Tohru still feels just a tiny bit awkward after last night, so all that comes out when she opens her mouth is, "Oh."

He lets out a tight chuckle but doesn't say anything else, so they're quiet as they head to the station. Tohru hates silence. If it's quiet around her, her thoughts increase in volume until she can't ignore them anymore, and she ends up feeling too much. She's never dreaded silence with Kyo, though—his presence alone has always been enough to keep her from drowning. But right now, it's tense, and she feels herself start to spiral.

She spends the train ride and the rest of the walk to his apartment trying to calm herself down, and before she knows it, he's unlocking his front door and holding it open for her. She steps in and looks around, grateful for the new distraction.

"Want something to drink?" he asks, moving into the kitchen. Tohru stays frozen in the genkan, feeling awkward and out of place. Even though she's obviously known it's the case, it's still a little odd to think of Kyo living on his own and not being surrounded by the chaos that was life in Shigure's house. "I've got…" She hears the fridge door open, then Kyo groans and adds, "I only have water and milk."

That makes her smile a little—not everything has changed. She takes off her shoes and heads into the kitchen with him. "Water's good. Thank you."

He nods and takes out two bottles, passing her one and keeping the other near him.

Tohru busies herself for a moment with opening the bottle and taking a sip, hoping he'll say something in that time. But he doesn't, so she feels pressured to do it instead. "Um…" she says after she swallows, "so, why haven't you invited me here before?"

"Eh…" he mumbles. He lifts an arm and gestures vaguely to the main room of the apartment. "It's, ya know…" She raises an eyebrow, prompting him to continue. "Cramped and a mess."

She keeps an eyebrow up as her eyes do another sweep of the apartment. It's just like everything in Kyo's physical life has always been—spotless and organized.

Maybe inviting her here before would have just been too intense for him. Made everything too real.

"Uh…" he adds, "you don't have to wait for an invitation, though. I mean, you're welcome here anytime."

"I didn't know where it was," she points out.

His face lights up red. "Oh. Yeah."

Tohru spares him from more interrogation, instead shrugging off the coat he loaned her and handing it to him. As he goes back to the genkan to hang it up, she feels her stomach churn. She's been anxious about this all day—about having to face him after how she'd behaved the night before, about whether things would be weird between them. And now things are weird. She can feel it. It makes her feel like she's going to throw up. So, once he's back in the room, she blurts, "I'm so sorry, Kyo-kun."

He tilts his head to the side, looking more than a little confused. "Yeah, but...why, exactly?"

"Ah, that's...um…" she mumbles, really not wanting to have to say it all aloud.

"Well, I know why, but I mean...you just don't need to be sorry. None of that was your fault."

"But I—"

Kyo moves across the room to her, and it cuts her off when he puts a finger under her chin and tilts it up so their eyes meet. "Stop," he whispers. "It's not your fault. It's not."

"I don't want things to be weird between us," she says, voice breaking. He shakes his head.

"Nothing's weird. I love you. I'm in love with you. Everything's okay. If you still love me, too, I mean."

Her eyes widen a little. "Of course I still love you. I love you so much."

He smiles and leans down, kissing her sweetly before saying, "Good."

She smiles back and slides her arms around his middle, tugging him closer.

"So how are you feeling?" he asks.

"Okay. I didn't have to see him today. I've mostly been worried about us."

"You never have to worry about us."

"Good to know." She kisses his collarbone, all she access to with their height difference.

"What do you wanna do tonight?" he asks, pulling back to look at her.

"Mm, well…I may have a couple of ideas now." He waits for her to continue, but she trails off there. She's not really sure what kind of look she must have on her face, but it's something, because it only takes him a split second to understand.

His eyes darken. It makes her dizzy.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

He smirks, and she knows right then that he's going to tease her. "Well, are you gonna tell me, or what?"

She sighs. "Y-you know…"

"You know how dumb I can be. Just tell me."

So she gives in and does, though not with words. She surges forward, and he leans his head down to meet her. She kisses him, deep and warm and passionate. He sighs against her lips and bends down more, moving his hands to the back of her thighs and picking her up. He moves them to the couch, and she positions herself so she's straddling his lap. He works at the buttons on her blouse while she kisses his neck.

"This is going to sound weird," he says, then swallows hard. "But you look really hot in your work clothes. Like, even hotter than usual."

She giggles, lips still against his skin. "That does sound weird. But I'm glad you think so."

He laughs in return, gets the last button undone and pushes her shirt off and onto the floor, then kisses her again.

And with that, just like every time he kisses her, suddenly nothing else really matters anymore. Itsuki is the farthest thing from her mind, along with the prying eyes of their coworkers, and the fear she'd felt last night.

All she can feel is Kyo's lips and hands and love.

She never wants to have to feel anything else ever again.

When Tohru opens her eyes again, she sees Kyo staring at her, face just inches away. She blinks in surprise, and he feels a blush creep across his nose at being caught. He's sure she wants to ask what he's doing, but all she can do for the moment is take a deep breath and raise an eyebrow. He answers her silent question, as on top of her emotions as always.

"You're just beautiful…"

She laughs a little. She's lying there with her hair a mess from him pulling it, a hand over her mouth as she tries to steady her breathing, ruddy cheeks, and a layer of sweat clinging to her skin.

"You're a liar," she pants out.

He shakes his head and smiles. "Whatever." He bends down and kisses her nose, then moves off of her. He holds open his arms, and she falls into them, letting him tug her into a tight hug. He takes a deep, slightly-shaky breath, and she looks up at him curiously.

"Uh, I didn't get to say this last night because, well—but anyway, I sort of told Kagura about us."

Tohru's eyes widen a little bit in surprise. He brushes his fingertips over her cheekbone in an attempt to settle her back down.

"Well, I told her I'm seeing someone, anyway."

"What did she say?" she asks, pulling the comforter tighter around the two of them. He's not sure he wants to talk about it, not sure he really can, even. So Kyo buys himself a little time by taking the top of the blanket and pulling it over Tohru's head. She makes a pitiful noise of protest, but then giggles and works herself free of the blanket prison.

He holds his breath for a second before forcing out, "She, uh. She said she didn't think I'd ever fall in love again, after what happened with you."

Tohru sighs a little and looks away. "That would make me sad."

"Eh? What would?"

"If we didn't end up coming back into each other's lives like this, I'd want you to fall in love again. I'd want you to get married and have kids and have someone to grow old with."

He shakes his head. "You're putting way more thought into this than I did."

"O-oh, really?"

"Mm-hmm. I mean, I was kinda mad right after she said it. But now, it just makes me think about how lucky I am. In these last two years, I never stopped loving you. I never fell for someone else. So she's right, really. But it has a happy ending, yeah?"

For a second, Tohru doesn't say anything, just blinks at him. Actually made a little bit nervous by her lack of response, he leans forward and plants a kiss to her forehead. "Well...you are happy, right?" he whispers.

"Oh, yes, of course! I'm very happy."

"Good. So then we don't need to worry about the what if's."

She nods and snuggles closer. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He leaves a few lazy kisses up the side of her neck, and she shakes her head at him, mischievousness flashing in her eyes.

"You can't kiss my neck unless you want to go again."

He swallows hard, trying to resist the urge to stammar and backtrack out of the situation in a fit of awkwardness. Once he's gotten ahold of himself, he says, "Well, who says I don't, hm?" His voice feels deeper than normal, a little more gravelly. He knows exactly why, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a little unsettling. The hold Tohru has on him is tight; since she's come around, he can hardly even remember who he is without her next to him.

She's quiet for a moment before asking tightly, "Really?"

He laughs, but he can tell that his cheeks are burning crimson through it. "I mean, not if you don't want to..."

She clears her throat, then says with as much innocence as she can feign, "Who says I don't?"

"Pfft. You're such a tease." He pushes back her hair and lowers his lips to her neck again. "You like it," she whispers.

"I'd have to be crazy not to. Now c'mere."

She scoots closer and reaches out to him. She cups his face in her hands and kisses him. He doesn't think he'll ever get used to this—of the way she can make her breathless and tingly all over with something as simple as just a kiss or a few words.

He loves her. He always has. He's never going to stop.

He's in so deep.

At work the next day, she forgets to turn the ringer on her phone off. When she hears the familiar ping informing her she's gotten a text, she stiffens in surprise, face going red at all the annoyed glances her coworkers send her way. She fishes the device out of her bag and hides it beneath the edge of her desk to look at the screen.

Kyo, maybe? Please?

Isuzu.

Still a nice surprise, though in a very different way.

"Hey, can you meet up later? I want to talk to you."

That kicks Tohru's anxious-mind into gear. "Is everything alright?" she asks.

"Yeah. I just want to see my best friend."

Tohru smiles a little at that. Open affection from Isuzu is still rare, but that makes it all the more special when it does happen, she supposes. Though neither of them would ever admit it, Kyo and Isuzu are similar in a lot of ways, one of them being that they both hide their soft sides...and that Tohru can bring it out of them.

"Of course!"

"That coffee shop near your office when you get off?"

"Perfect!"

The coffee shop is right across the street from Tohru's work building, which is a little out of the way for Isuzu, but she always suggests they meet there anyway. It's become their spot. She claims that the coffee is really good. Tohru doesn't see how it's so different from any other coffee shop anywhere else, but she has to admit she's thankful she never has to go too far to see Isuzu after working all day. She leaves the office right on time, again dodging every one of her coworkers, and heads over there as quickly as possible. When she pushes the door open, she sees Isuzu immediately—she's getting all sorts of glances in the shop, people drawn in by her unique taste in clothing, like always. Isuzu looks toward the door, waving when she notices Tohru.

"Hey," she calls.

"Hi, Isuzu-san!"

Tohru sets her work bag down and hops up onto the stool next to Isuzu, who chuckles at how her feet dangle. Tohru shoots her a half-hearted glare. Isuzu smirks, but changes the subject. "How was work?"

"Oh, you know…" Tohru says, giving her head a little shake.

"What's up?"

"Nothing, really. I'm just, well…" She trails off, unsure of where to go that doesn't step into forbidden territory for the conversation, then decides to go with a half-truth. "I'm just trying to avoid Itsuki."

"Ew."

Tohru can't help but smile a little at the blatant disgust in Isuzu's voice. Everyone in Tohru's life despises Itsuki, but Rin in particular is very vocal about it; she's always been fiercely protective of Tohru, and this situation is no different. "Mm-hmm."

"Did he do something?"

Tohru hesitates. Unlike a lot of young women, Isuzu isn't cautious of men she doesn't know. She'd try to beat Itsuki up without hesitation if she knew what he'd done, and Tohru's not quite sure what would happen then—but she knows it couldn't possibly be good. Again, a partial truth will have to suffice.

"He tried to talk to me the other day. He said he wanted to apologize."

Rin groans. "Are you kidding? Did you let him?"

"No, of course not."

She doesn't mention the brief moment in which she'd felt weak, when she'd thought about how badly she'd wanted him to say those words for so long. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that she hadn't let herself get sucked into his orbit again.

"Who knows if that's even what he actually wanted?" she adds. She sighs, then changes the subject. "No uniform today. Did you not work?"

"I played hooky. I'm going fucking insane at that job."

"I'm sorry. You have a lot of experience now. You could probably find a new job."

The same thing could be said to Tohru herself, she knows. And it definitely was, back after everything first happened with Itsuki. Getting a new job seemed like a no-brainer to everyone who knew the situation, but that job had been the one constant left in her life.

It could be said again now, after Itsuki came after her the other night. But then...wouldn't it be like she lost something?—the metaphorical game of tug-of-war she and Itsuki have been playing since they broke up, the one in which they both compete for power over Tohru's life.

Like she'd thought earlier, it would make her stupid and a coward. She's an adult who can deal with this like an adult, after all.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly. "It's not my place to say that."

It's really not, and she knows that. If Isuzu wants a new job, she'll find a new job. She doesn't need Tohru nagging her.

Isuzu raises an eyebrow, likely knowing exactly what this is about, but she spares Tohru by changing the subject. "Listen, I wanted to say sorry for what happened at Shigure's...Haru told me I was a real ass."

"Hatsuharu-san said that?" she asks in surprise. It doesn't sound like him.

"Not exactly, but he made it pretty obvious."

"It's okay, really."

"No, it's not. I know how much it sucks to get Kagura dragged into your business, and I shouldn't have done that to you."

Tohru sighs and looks down at the menu the barista just pushed toward her. "It's fine. I owe Kagura anyway." She bites her tongue. That is absolutely not something she should have just said.

Isuzu snorts out a laugh, then takes a sip of her coffee. "What the hell could you possibly owe Kagura for?"

Good question—or at least, what could she possibly owe Kagura for that she could tell Isuzu about right now without totally blowing her cover?

She tries to think of a lie, but that's too hard on the spot, and she's never been a good liar anyway—especially not when it's just her and one other person, staring at her and waiting for her to say something, then analyzing every word. Also, everything that involves Kagura also involves Kyo somehow, she realizes.

"Uh...well, um. Remember that day she h-hit me? She helped convince me to confess to Kyo, after all, and that really made me a stronger person...no matter the bad outcome."

Isuzu hums. "You're weird, you know that?"

Tohru giggles a little. It worked; Isuzu didn't see through her. That's a miracle, really. Kyo can read Tohru better than anyone, of course, but Isuzu is someone else who has an uncanny ability to tell what she's thinking. Remembering that makes Tohru feel a little guilty, like she's betraying Isuzu. She changes the subject.

"How are things with you and Hatsuharu-san?"

"Good. Really good. He's as sweet as ever. I think he's going to propose soon, actually."

Tohru gasps. "Really?! That's so exciting! What makes you think that?"

"He's been asking me about what kind of rings I like, and stuff. And I guess it's exciting...but I'm also fucking terrified."

"But why?"

Isuzu sighs and looks down at her drink. Tohru follows her gaze, noticing the way her hands tighten around the mug as she starts to speak again. "I'm still sort of convinced that he's going to wake up and hate me one day. He deserves better. Someone less broken."

Tohru feels her throat tighten up.

He deserves better. Someone less broken.

How many times has she thought that about Kyo recently? The thought is always fleeting, beaten down almost instantly by reminding herself that she deserves a chance to start over, but it still comes up nonetheless. He deserves someone who isn't wracked with trauma—someone that doesn't get spooked easily because of a cheating ex, someone who isn't woken by nightmares, someone who is good and clean and wonderful. She's not exactly all that.

"Isuzu-san...you worked so hard to break a generational curse just to free Hatsuharu-san. You put yourself in danger with Akito, and worked yourself sick, all because you love him so much. You fought for your relationship. So you deserve it. You really, really do."

Isuzu looks at her sidelong. Tohru blushes under her stare, averting her gaze down to the bar so she doesn't have to make eye contact anymore.

"The same goes for you, Tohru."

Tohru's shoulders stiffen. What does that mean? "...What?"

"Oh, uh. It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

And maybe part of Tohru understands, but she doesn't want to. There's too much happening in her head already. So, having just been given Rin's permission to forget, she says simply, "Okay."

Notes:

Chapter title from "Killer" by Phoebe Bridgers

Chapter 16: you step a little closer each day, that I can't say what's going on

Summary:

"After all, the universe has taken a lot of things from Tohru Honda in her life, but Kyo is the first thing it's also given back."

Notes:

Hi! Paused this to work on Christmas-themed works, but back now! Hope you enjoy. We're nearing the climax 👀

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

That night, she and Kyo lie on his couch together, sharing a container of Chinese takeout.

"I get this stuff way too often," he tells her, opening the box and holding it out to her for the first bite. Tohru breaks her chopsticks, absentmindedly noting that they come apart evenly—a first for her, as far as she can remember.

"You don't cook?" she asks. "You're such a good cook, though."

Kyo snorts. "I'm an okay cook. But I'm also really lazy when I get off work."

She chuckles. "That's fair. You do physical work all day." She scoops up a bite of the chicken and noodles in the container. "Mm, you're right, it's good!"

He smiles and snaps his own chopsticks. "I thought you'd like it."

"Speaking of your job, how was work today?"

"Good. There's…" he trails off, cheeks flushing. Tohru stretches her leg out and nudges his knee with her foot.

"There's what?"

"There's this one little girl that comes to class every day—Reina. She reminds me a lot of you."

"A little girl reminds you of me?" she asks, raising an eyebrow and taking a sip of her water. "I don't quite know how to feel about that."

Kyo groans. "Not in a weird way, or as an insult or anything. She looks a lot like you. It just makes me think about...you know…"

She smiles a little, because she does know, then bites her lip to quell it. "No, Kyo-kun, I don't know. You know how dumb I can be. Just tell me."

He chuckles and sets down the take out box, then puts his hands on her waist and tugs her closer. She squeaks in surprise.

"It makes me think about, well...about what our kids might look like someday."

Tohru smiles again, and this time lets it stay until he kisses it off of her.

"You want kids?" she asks once they part.

"Yeah, 'course. I thought you knew that, though." He picks up the food again, then holds the last bite out to her on his chopsticks. She takes it and chews quietly, and he apparently takes her silence as negative, because he blurts suddenly, "Uh, well, I mean, only if you want to, too! If you don't want to have kids, we don't have to. I should have asked you before saying that. A-and, it doesn't have to be right now, of course! We have plenty of time, I just—" He groans again and leans forward, resting his forehead on her knee. "I'm an idiot."

She laughs a little and cards her fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him. "Of course I want to have kids with you."

Kyo picks his head back up and meets her eyes. "Really?" he asks, and his voice sounds so timid and hopeful that it makes Tohru's heart ache a little.

She smiles, then reaches out and cups his cheeks in her hands. "I want that more than anything."

Kyo tilts his head to the side, to kiss the inside of her wrist. "Thank you."

She pulls her hands back and draws her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. "I want them to look like you, though," she admits.

"Eh? Why?"

She shoots him a look, because how can she possibly explain that, besides saying, "You're gorgeous as all hell."

"I got made fun of, ya know."

"So did I."

"...Our poor kids," he laments.

She smiles a bit. "Hopefully everyone else's kids will be nicer by then."

"Yeah, maybe."

They're quiet for a minute, Tohru feeling odd. She's warm and tingly, her chest tight but in the best way possible. He wants to have kids with her. He wants them to look like her. Tohru had this conversation with Itsuki—he'd said he wanted kids, too—but she didn't feel this...giddy afterwards. She sneaks a glance at Kyo's profile as he stands up and starts gathering the trash from dinner. It's really amazing, how simply changing the person you're having the conversation with can completely transform the emotion behind it.

When he gets back from the kitchen, Kyo pops the happy bubble surrounding her. "How was work for you?"

"Oh, uh...fine."

He raises an eyebrow and sits back down next to her. He holds open his arms, and she accepts the invitation to curl up against his chest. "What's that mean?" he asks, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

She doesn't want to talk about this, not at all. She knows she should, but all that she can force out of her mouth is a lie: "It was just work. The usual."

"Was Itsuki there?"

He can always see through her. Always. How? "No."

"Did anyone else give you trouble?"

"No."

"Tohru."

"I've been avoiding everyone," she admits finally.

"Why? Because of what happened?"

"Mm-hmm." She buries her face against his chest. "Everyone saw. Now I'm worried they'll ask about it."

"And that makes you anxious?"

She nods. Kyo hugs her tighter. "Don't hate me for suggesting this, but...why don't you just get a new job, Tohru? It's not like that's the only realty office in Tokyo. Or you could try something new."

She shakes her head.

"It's not like you'd have a hard time finding something else. You're the hardest working person I know," he continues, and she figures out that he's not really getting it. She knows she'd have no problem finding another job. She's not even particularly attached to the one she has now.

"I know," she whispers. "I…know that I could find another job. But, Kyo."

He sits quietly, waiting for her to continue. And she sits quietly, too, waiting until she figures out how to continue. That's the thing about Kyo—he knows Tohru really well; so well it's almost scary sometimes. And on the off-chance that he doesn't understand what she's thinking or feeling without her saying anything, he wants to learn, wants to figure out how to recognize it for the next time. Usually, it makes her heart warm. But right now, she kind of wishes he'd let it go. It would just be easier that way.

She takes a deep breath. "He—I mean, Itsuki—took a lot from me when we broke up. He stayed in our apartment. A lot of our friends were mutual, and he stayed in touch with them. I just…don't want him to take the job from me, too."

When she'd been thinking about that earlier, Tohru had thought it sounded logical; it had made sense to want to hold onto her job after all the changes she'd already gone through because of Itsuki. But now, saying it out loud and to Kyo, it just sounds stupid and childish. It's not like it's her dream job. Is being petty about it really worth compromising her mental health?

"I get it," he says. She pulls back enough to look up at him. "It makes sense. A lot changed because of him, all at once, too. But, Tohru…you deal with all the bullshit life throws at you so well, I know you'd be fine quitting. I know it's not fair. But holding onto this job might be hurting you more than letting it go would."

Tohru sighs. "How do you always know just what to say?"

He chuckles, then leans down for a kiss. "Whatever, you dork," he mumbles against her lips.

She smiles. "I'll start looking for a new job."

Kyo shakes his head, and she watches him in confusion. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. That was just my suggestion, is all."

"But it was a good suggestion. Sometimes I get so stubborn that I can't see the big picture anymore."

"In that case, I guess it's my job to help you refocus, then."

"Do I have to pay you?" she asks teasingly.

He rolls his eyes and smiles. "Yeah. In kisses."

Tohru laughs lightly and crawls further into his lap. She brings her face close to his, lips just centimeters apart. His gaze flits down to her mouth for a second, but when she speaks, he looks back up to her eyes. "Would you like me to make my first payment right now?"

He nods. "Oh, absolutely."

So they both laugh, and she does.

The next evening, Tohru sighs and lies her head down on the table in front of her. "Kyo-kun…" she groans.

He appears behind her, chuckles, and rubs her shoulders. "What's wrong? Nothing good?"

"Nothing I'm qualified for. I've been at the realty office for two years, and everyone wants three or four years experience."

She turns her head so her cheek is against the table, watching Kyo as he pulls over another chair and leans forward to squint at the screen. His eyesight has gotten poor, she's noticed. When she teased him about it the other day, when he was trying to read text on the TV and failed miserably, he just shook his head and said "Yeah, yeah. The Cat spirit couldn't have left me one good thing. And before you even ask, no, I will not go to the eye doctor." The memory makes her smile a little, a welcome distraction from her current predicament.

"Nah, there's gotta be something," he says.

"There really isn't," she protests. It isn't like her to feel defeated easily, but she can't help it. It seems like she's just going to be stuck at this job for two more years, until she has the right amount of experience; after having just decided she was going to get the hell out of there, that's a discouraging thought. "I'm sorry for taking up so much time on your laptop, too," she adds.

Kyo snorts out a laugh, though he's still mainly focused on scrolling through the job ads on the screen in front of him. "Does it seem like I use it much?"

"I guess not…"

He had literally blown dust off of it when he first got it out of his closet for her to borrow. Tohru has to choke back a cough from just remembering it.

"What about this?" he asks. She picks her head up and looks at what he has pulled up. She skims the ad, hopefulness building back up in her heart the further she gets…until she sees the pay.

"That's way less than I make now."

Kyo nods, and they sigh in unison. He glances at her sidelong, then hums as though contemplating something. Tohru's cheeks pinken.

"What?" she asks.

"I…don't know if you're going to like this suggestion."

She raises an eyebrow, makes a go on motion with her hands, because now she absolutely has to know.

"Master has been busy doing a lot of administrative work around the dojo lately. I know he misses teaching, but Kunimitsu and I would be hopeless at that kinda stuff, so he just does it himself. I could ask him about giving you the job. Only if you want me to, though…"

"Yes, please!" she interjects.

"...I know it might be a little weird to work with your boyfriend, but we probably wouldn't see each other a ton, and he already knows I've been talking to you, so it wouldn't be a huge surprise…wait, yes?"

She nods. "Kyo-kun, that would be wonderful. I'd love to work with you, Master, and Kunimitsu-san."

Kyo runs a hand down his face, which is a shade of red that competes with his hair now. "Yeah, okay. I'll call him later tonight."

She grabs his hand and squeezes. "Thank you!"

Kyo chuckles at her enthusiasm. "It's just a lot of paperwork," he warns her. "Don't build it up to be some fairytale in your head."

Tohru smiles mischievously and brings their locked hands up to her lips, kissing Kyo's knuckles. "It's exactly what I'm doing now, but with a much nicer boss…and a much more handsome coworker," she says playfully.

He laughs and shakes his head. "Don't hit on Kunimitsu, please, no matter how hot he is," he shoots back.

Tohru rolls her eyes dramatically, pulling her hand back. "You ruined it."

He presses a kiss to her temple. "Sorry. How can I make it up to you?"

"Mm…I can think of one way," she says, turning back to him. She leans closer, until their noses are bumping and their lips just barely brushing. She secretly takes a lot of joy in the way his breath hitches and he closes his eyes expectantly.

"Yeah?" he breathes.

"Get me the job."

He groans, kisses her briefly, then laughs as he pulls away. "You're such a tease."

Tohru shrugs, feigning innocence.

"Since that's the only way to get back on your good side, guess I'll text him now." Tohru watches as he taps out a message on his phone, then they both wait quietly until it buzzes to announce a response. "Well, that was a very enthusiastic yes."

Tohru's eyes light up. "Really?"

"Yeah. He says you can start whenever your two-weeks' notice is up at this job."

"I'll put it in when I go on Tuesday."

"Perfect."

"Perfect," she murmurs back. Her life can't get any more perfect than it has been lately, it seems. It's all a lot to try and wrap her head around.

"So," Kyo says, "now that that's settled, let's do something fun. It's Friday night."

"We're too old to do anything fun on Fridays," she says, closing his laptop.

He shakes his head at her and takes her hand, pulling her up into a standing position with him. "We're 20. We just started being allowed to do fun things on Friday nights."

She raises an eyebrow. "What, you want to, like…go to a club?"

He shrugs. "Just out somewhere, at least. Do you like clubbing?"

She has to bite back a laugh. That's a word she'd never expect to hear come out of introverted, traditionally-grumpy Kyo Sohma's mouth. She clears her throat. "I've only been once, on Uo-chan's 20th."

"Did you have fun?"

She shrugs. "Dancing was fun. The drinking was eh."

"Wanna go be the only two sober people in a dance club, then?" he asks.

"Uh…"

"I've never been."

"I wouldn't think you'd ever want to," she points out. He's already in the genkan, putting his shoes on, though.

"Eh, well…maybe I'm feeling adventurous."

"Adventurous?" she repeats, tone skeptical, but she's at his side now, slipping into her own shoes.

He groans dramatically. "Just let me take you out to celebrate."

"I'm happy to go, Kyo-kun, but we could just celebrate here," she points out.

"We never do anything like this. Let's give it a try."

She's a little wary about this, but just gives in, laughing and shaking her head. "Okay, okay."

He kisses her cheek as he stands back up. He can obviously sense her confusion, and he clears his throat awkwardly, clearly contemplating how to explain. "Now that I'm not cursed anymore, I can do normal boyfriend stuff with you," he says hesitantly.

Oh.

Tohru stands back up, too, and puts her arms around his neck, pulling him down into a kiss. "That's very sweet of you, Kyo-kun."

"Eh…it's kind of selfish too, really, isn't it?" he mumbles.

"I don't mind that," she assures him. "But also…aren't clubs where single people go to find hookups? Are they really a date spot?"

"O-oh, uh…are they? Good point."

She takes a step back and pulls his front door open.

"Well, as long as you come home with me tonight, I don't mind going."

He chuckles as he follows her out. "There's no one else I'd rather go home with."

When they make it to a ward of Tokyo with lots of bars and clubs, they realize very quickly that they're both entirely out of their element. The street is bright and noisy, lines of people standing on the sides waiting to get into clubs with music so loud Tohru's sure it could make you deaf if you stay long enough. They end up selecting one at random and hop in line for it. Inside, they mill around by the door for a bit, until the growing crowd pushes them farther in.

"I think I'm actually gonna get a drink," Tohru calls over the music. That seems like the only way to deal with such chaos. Kyo nods. At least the Cat didn't take his good hearing upon its departure, apparently.

"I'll wait here."

So she makes her way to the bar, taking advantage of her slender frame to slip between people with ease. But there's quite a line once she gets to the bar, and she contemplates just getting out of it and going back to Kyo. She glances over her shoulder to where he's waiting, hoping to check up on him, and her eyes widen when she sees a random girl trying to hang all over him.

And even though she should be mad, she can't help but laugh a little bit. Because Kyo is the exact picture of disgust that any girl would want her boyfriend to be at another woman's advances. The girl turns her back to him, leaning back against his chest. He stumbles back a step at the unexpected contact, then lifts his hands. Instead of touching her, though, he makes a frustrated face and flexes his fingers in the air, as if he really just doesn't know how to get rid of her in a way that won't look bad.

Tohru thinks, for a moment, about what Itsuki might have done in this situation. He would have scanned the room, looking for Tohru. If she were looking, he would have put his hands low on the woman's hips and moved her away. If she weren't looking…well, Tohru doesn't even want to know what he'd do then.

She blinks herself out of her thoughts. Her chest aches.

Kyo is so good. She's so lucky.

She lifts a hand into a wave, getting Kyo's attention. His expression relaxes at the sight of her, but his face also goes completely red. "Help," he mouths, then just smiles and shakes his head in exasperation when she shrugs.

She forfeits her spot in line and heads over there, though. She puts on her toughest face and slips her hand into Kyo's. She raises an eyebrow at the girl. "Can my fiancè or I help you with something?"

The girl immediately stands up straight, pushing herself away from Kyo. "Your…n-no, um, I'm so…" She waves her hands in front of her face, flustered, and stumbles off mid-sentence.

Tohru sighs. Kyo pulls her in and kisses her temple before lowering his lips to her ear. "Fiancè?" he murmurs.

Tohru stiffens. "O-oh, my gosh, I—it just slipped out. I'm so sorry," she rambles. She'd just been thinking about Itsuki; it had clearly thrown her off.

Kyo stands back up straight, and she looks up at him. His cheeks are bright, but he's grinning. "Not gonna lie…I kinda liked the sound of that." He looks away, then, like he can't quite bear to maintain eye contact while he says it.

"Oh," she says dumbly.

"This was a horrible idea. Do you wanna dance, or are you ready to get out of here?"

"I'm ready. I'm the one who told you we're too old to do fun things," she says, smiling, and lets him take her hand to pull her out of the club. Outside, they both take a deep breath.

"I thought we were gonna die in there," he says, and they laugh together. Then, his expression suddenly hardens. "Wait…Tohru, I would never cheat on you," he blurts.

She stops laughing and raises an eyebrow at him. "Huh?"

"That girl…I didn't try to initiate anything at all, I swear. She's not even my type, which doesn't matter, I guess, but I just—"

She cuts him off by standing up on her tiptoes and kissing him sweetly. "I know," she says simply when she pulls away.

"Good," he sighs.

"Although I am interested in knowing what your type is now, though," she teases.

"You."

"...What?"

"You're my type."

Tohru smiles and turns her face away, not wanting him to see the way she tears up a little. She sniffles once and looks back at him. "You know what I think we should do?" she asks.

"I don't know, but it can't be any worse than my suggestion."

She giggles. "I think we should get ice cream and go back home—err, to your place." She bites her tongue, angry with herself for her second major slip up tonight. What's wrong with her?

But he just smiles and links their hands together. "Sounds good. Let's get ice cream and go back home."

Home.

Will that be home someday? Will that be where they end up for a while, once it's been longer and they've moved in together? Her place is bigger, more functional. But she finds that to be an afterthought, something she doesn't even care about in the slightest. What matters is that someday she'll get to share a home with him.

She locks their fingers together and smiles up at him as they start walking.

"What kind of ice cream?" he asks.

"Mmm…I feel like peppermint."

He crunches up his nose. "Peppermint? Tohru, it's March."

She giggles at his expression. "So?"

"So, isn't peppermint a Christmas thing? Who in their right mind would want peppermint ice cream right now?"

"Me!"

Kyo chuckles and glances over at her, eyes glinting. "Well, I did say 'in their right mind,' so I guess that makes sense."

She gapes in fake offense, smacking his bicep. "So rude."

"Sorry, sorry," he laughs. He squeezes her hand.

They manage to find her peppermint ice cream somehow, along with a tub of cookie dough for Kyo, and they eat it in front of the TV together. It's a much better celebration than any club would have been.

The next morning, Tohru wakes up alone in Kyo's bed. Confused, she sits up quickly. "Kyo-kun?"

"Hey, I'm out here."

She gets up and wanders out into the living room, rubbing the sleepiness from her eyes. Kyo is sitting cross-legged on the couch, the remainder of her peppermint ice cream in a bowl in his hands. She can't help but giggle at the sight.

"What?" he asks, but his smile tells her that he already knows.

"Ice cream for breakfast? And peppermint ice cream, at that?"

"It's not horrible, I guess. And mint's healthy, right? It grows in the ground."

She snorts out a skeptical laugh. "Anyway, you hypocrite, I need to meet Uo-chan for lunch."

"Mm, right, it's Saturday. Want me to take you over there?"

"It's okay. I'll go and come right back."

He nods, and she goes back into his bedroom to get dressed. She's started bringing pajamas and changes of clothes over here lately. As she pulls a skirt out of her overnight bag, she wonders briefly how he would feel if she started just leaving things here every once in a while. Would he just fold it up and put it in a drawer for the next time she comes over, let them accumulate until she has her own drawer? Would he try to give it back instead?

She shakes her head and just gets dressed.

She kisses Kyo on her way out the door and heads to the train station. At the cafe, Uo is sitting in their normal spot. She smiles and waves.

"How do you always get here first?" Tohru asks, sitting down across from her. Tohru's incredibly punctual, always has been—politeness instilled since childhood and untreated anxiety have made sure of that. But somehow, Uo-chan has gotten to the cafe first the last several weeks. She feels guilty for making her wait.

"'Cause I don't have a boyfriend here to shake off of me in the morning," she teases, raising an eyebrow suggestively. Tohru blushes and shakes her head, not even remotely sure how to respond to the teasing. Uo-chan just laughs. "How's that going, by the way?"

There's only one way to answer that. "It's good. Really, really good," Tohru says immediately.

Uo smiles and takes a sip of her water. After swallowing, she says, "Well that was enthusiastic. So he hasn't run away, huh? I'm glad."

But somehow, she doesn't sound exactly glad, and the look on her face turns melancholy. Tohru tilts her head to the side, curious about the sudden change.

"I really am," Uo reassures her. "I just…wish it could have been like this all along, ya know? You've always deserved to feel like this, but you haven't gotten to until now. It sucks. It's not fair."

Tohru's eyes widen in surprise. She's thought about that since she and Kyo started dating, of course—she really does wish it could have been like this all along, too. But in contrast to Uo-chan, she's never quite seen it as unfair. The universe led Kyo back to her when it did for a reason, she's sure.

After all, the universe has taken a lot of things from Tohru Honda in her life, but Kyo is the first thing it's also given back.

She reaches across the table and puts her hand on Uo's. Uo looks up, her own eyes large now, too.

"It's okay, Uo-chan," Tohru says. "It's all okay now." She wishes she could say more than that, but she doesn't know how to put all these feelings into words.

Uo seems okay with that, though; she smiles and says, "Okay. I'm glad."

Tohru smiles back, giving her friend's hand a squeeze.

The rest of the weekend passes far more quickly than Kyo and Tohru would have preferred. She spends the entire time at his apartment, and they laze around, tangled up in each other until Sunday night when she goes home to let Kyo get ready for the work week ahead.

But no amount of laundry, meal prep, and cleaning can prepare him for what he's greeted with on Monday morning when he walks into the dojo.

Kunimitsu is leaning against the doorframe in front of the practice room, a smile on his face that Kyo can't think of any way to describe but odd. His eyebrows are tugged up with the force of it, and he lets out a low whistle at the sight of Kyo.

"What's up with you?" Kyo asks, nudging his way past him into the practice room. He busies himself with swapping out the dirty towels for clean ones while he waits for an answer. Kunimitsu chuckles.

"I hear Tohru-kun is coming to work with us? Or, should I say, you?"

Kyo's shoulders stiffen. He tries to disguise his tension by throwing a kick into the punching bag in the corner as he passes it. "She's coming here for a job, not for anyone in particular."

"Isn't that a bit odd, considering we haven't seen her in so long?"

Kyo groans, realizing he's fighting a losing battle, and turns around to face Kunimitsu. "You haven't, I guess," he says simply.

Kunimitsu hums. He's always been like a weird, slightly annoying older brother to Kyo, and it's never shown more than it is now. Sometimes he appreciates it, sometimes he doesn't. "You can't tell anyone. Only Master knows."

"Knows what, exactly?"

Kyo shifts his weight from foot to foot, feeling incredibly awkward, and mad at himself for blushing like a little kid and failing so miserably at not losing his cool. "Sounds like you have an idea already."

Kunimitsu smiles, then—a real, normal smile. He claps Kyo on the back. "Congrats, man. It's cool that you two have found your way back together."

"Yeah…thanks." Kyo means it, and tries his best to make his voice match that. It's nice to have the support of three people in the family, now, even if everyone else will want to murder him. "Just please don't tell anyone else in the family. We don't want anyone to know yet."

"Isn't her working here going to look a little suspicious, then?"

Kyo honestly hadn't thought about that. Not many members of the family come by here much anymore, other than Kagura when she wants to come and bug him. What are the odds he could convince Tohru to stay in that storage closet-sized administration room, silently and in the dark, when that happens? Not very good, and he wouldn't want to, anyway.

"Not if Kagura doesn't find out."

"And…you think that won't happen?" Kunimitsu asks, tone skeptical.

Kyo sighs. "I don't really have much of a choice. I'll tell her eventually. I just have to, like…figure everything out first."

"Well, listen. As much as I like to give you shit, I'll help in any way I can, okay?"

Kyo gives him a slight nod and mumbles a "thanks" before leaving the room with his armful of sweaty towels.

"Kyo? You deserve to be happy," Kunimitsu adds.

Kyo freezes for a second. Loving Tohru has taught him a lot of things—how to be kinder, more patient, how to see the good things in the world even when it seems like everything is falling apart. It also seems to be teaching him now, that not everyone is against him, not even in his dysfunctional, abusive family. He still has allies.

"Thanks. I mean it," Kyo says, then forces himself to keep moving.

As decided, Tohru submits her two-weeks' notice on Tuesday. She wishes she could say she was brave about it, but in reality, she just shoved the letter through the mail slot in her boss's door at exactly 5pm and then ran out of the building. Regardless of how she did it, Kyo tells her he's proud of her.

It seems he's always proud of her, somehow, even when she's not doing her best. Even when she's being immature or petty or stupid, he still kisses her forehead and tells her that she's amazing.

She doesn't understand.

But she loves him for it.

Everything is quiet and normal on Wednesday. Tohru doesn't avoid her coworkers quite as much; she makes some chit-chat around the printer, even shares a portion of her lunch bento with a coworker who forgot hers. Knowing that she'll be out of here soon, never to see these people again, makes the weight Itsuki put on her shoulders a little easier to bear.

On Thursday, Tohru's boss comes up behind her and lays a hand on her shoulder. Tohru jumps and turns around from her computer screen. "Yes, sir?" she squeaks.

"Sorry to scare you, Tohru-kun," he chuckles. Seeing his smile makes her feel all a little guilty for leaving—he's always been decent to her, and she's going to leave him in a bind trying to find a new receptionist. She swallows the emotion down and reminds herself that this isn't about him; it's about her. "I'd like you to send a staff-wide email asking everyone to finish their workday here in the office tomorrow. I have some announcements."

"Yes, right away."

He pats her shoulder in thanks and heads back into his office.

As she taps out the email, it doesn't even occur to her that one of the announcements might have anything to do with her, and that that could possibly be a bad thing.

Notes:

Lots of fluff, but I promise it propels the plot anyway lol. Chapter title from "Cannonball" by Damien Rice.

Chapter 17: some things we don't talk about, rather do without and just hold the smile

Summary:

"At the realization that he might leave, her eyes fly open wide. She reaches out and grabs his wrist, the movement so fast and her grip so tight that Kyo startles. 'Please don't leave,' she says, voice tight."

Notes:

Hi 👋🏻 hope you enjoy! Chapter title from "Never Say Never" by The Fray

Chapter Text

After work, Tohru hesitates on the sidewalk.

Kyo hasn't texted her all day. Thursdays are his busiest day at the dojo, so it's to be expected. But…she wants to see him. Would it be rude to just go over to his apartment unannounced? Are they at a point where they can do that sort of thing? Should she just call first?

She reaches into her bag for her phone, then stops herself.

She shouldn't be this afraid to just surprise her boyfriend, should she? It's not like Kyo has anything to hide at his apartment; she's been there dozens of times, and there's never been even a trace of anyone else. Knocking on his door doesn't mean impending doom.

She takes a deep breath and starts off toward the station.

About an hour later, she's at Kyo's door, her purse in one hand and a bag of the Chinese takeout he loves so much in her other.

Kyo opens the door, looking a little confused about having a visitor, but his face immediately lights up when he sees who it is. That instantly makes it worth the nerves she'd endured to get here.

"Hey, you," he says. He leans forward and puts a hand on her waist, then kisses her.

"Hi," she says, grinning back at him. "I brought dinner."

"God, I love you," he says playfully. She giggles. He takes the bag from her, and she follows him into the apartment.

"I just got home, so I haven't showered. Sorry," he warns her.

"Like I care about that, you weirdo."

He rolls his eyes dramatically at weirdo. "Okay, weirdo. Let's eat, then."

"Yes, please."

They curl up on the couch with the containers of food between them.

"I was thinking…" he says, then pauses.

"What?" she asks.

He busies himself with opening the first container and then breaking his chopsticks. "Do you maybe wanna come by the dojo tomorrow after work? The kids will all be gone, but I could show you around, since you haven't been there in a while. Then we can come back here."

Tohru snaps her own chopsticks. A little uneven. She sighs. "I think I'll have to stay late tomorrow."

"Yeah?" he asks. He sounds a little disappointed, so she reaches out and squeezes his hand briefly before digging into the food.

"Yeah. My boss said everyone has to come in. Has some announcements, apparently."

"Huh? Why wouldn't he just wait until next month's meeting? It's almost April anyway."

Tohru shrugs, swallows her bite of chicken, then chews on the end of one chopstick absentmindedly. She has half a mind to just skip the announcements and leave early. Whatever the big news is, it's not going to affect her—she's leaving in just over a week. But she knows she'd feel guilty, anyway.

"Weird."

"Weird," she agrees. "But just about a week and I'll be out of there. Then…" She pauses and transfers the takeout boxes to the coffee table so she can move closer to Kyo. He wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek, waiting for her to finish. "I'll get to be at the dojo with you every day. Do you think I'll be able to watch you teach sometimes?"

"Yeah, sure, if you want to. I'm sure you'll like all the little kids."

She smiles and turns her head to him, slanting her lips across his. When they break apart, she nods her agreement. "And seeing you with the little kids," she admits quietly.

He raises an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? Why's that?"

Tohru feels a blush start across her cheeks, but she forces the words out anyway, because she thinks—no, knows—they'll make him happy. "A glimpse into our future."

He smiles, his own cheeks reddening. "I'm not, like, impressive with them or anything."

"I'm sure you are," she insists.

He groans, rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. "Don't get your hopes up too high, okay? They get the better of me sometimes. Especially the middle school kids."

"Middle schoolers are hard."

"Are they? Any more than normal?"

She leans forward to gather more noodles onto her chopsticks. "Well, yes. Don't you remember what it was like to be a middle schooler?"

"I…wasn't exactly a normal middle schooler," he points out.

"Oh. Right."

"And knowing you, I doubt you were, either."

She puffs her cheeks out into a fake pout. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kyo pokes her cheek. "You're just…definitely not a normal person."

"Wow. Thanks," she teases.

"Let me finish. You're prettier, smarter, and more loving than anyone else on the planet. I'm sure middle school was no different."

She smiles at him. He reaches out and cradles her face in his palm. "You're so sweet, Kyo-kun."

"Nah," he says, kissing the tip of her nose. "Just honest. Anyway, so no dojo tomorrow. But wanna come over anyway? I could pick you up when you get off."

"I don't know the exact time I'll get to leave."

He shrugs. "So? I'll wait."

She scoots closer, rests her forehead on his shoulder. "What did I do to deserve you?" She feels him take a deep breath, and she tilts her head, kissing his collarbone. "Don't overthink that," she says.

He nods a little. "You deserve anything and everything that makes you happy."

Tohru smiles, then nuzzles her face against the crook of his neck in an attempt to hide her blush. "You do, too."

Work begins uneventfully. Tohru had hoped she could listen to any office chatter to get hints about what the announcements might be, but there's only one other person in the office today. Since people have to end the work day here, they're probably all out in the field trying to get as much done as possible beforehand.

Around 4:50, her boss comes to her desk. "Tohru-kuuuun," he says, smiling at her. She returns it. Her boss is nice. Like, really nice. Even so, his focus is still on work most of the time. But Tohru doesn't know how to handle the bouts of unprofessionalism it also occasionally causes. Like this: kun; she doesn't necessarily mind, but it's unusual for a workplace.

"Hi, sir."

"I meant to mention this to you earlier, but we've been busy, so it got pushed off until now. I got your two weeks' notice. Next Tuesday will be your last day, yes?"

"Yes, sir. If that's alright."

"I'm sad to see you go, but I always knew you were meant for bigger things. What's your next adventure?"

Tohru hesitates for just a moment before answering, "I'll be doing administrative work for a local dojo." Her boss has never given her anything to worry about. It doesn't matter if he knows where she's going; he's just a nice, middle-aged man with pictures of his wife and kids on his desk.

His eyebrows shoot up. "A dojo, huh? You don't seem like the type who'd be into martial arts. No disrespect meant."

Tohru laughs a little. With her delicate frame and docile demeanor, she's heard things similar before and takes no offense. "Well…no, but my boyfriend's family is. They own the dojo, so…"

Her boss smiles a little at boyfriend, but he doesn't mention it. "Ah, interesting. What's the name of it? I wonder if I know it. My son is into martial arts. And thank god, because it gets rid of some of his energy." He blows out a big breath and shakes his head.

Tohru smiles at that; she's sure that must have been how Kazuma felt when Kyo was young. "The Sohma Dojo."

"Mmm, that one? My son competes with students from that dojo a lot. They're all really tough. Well, good luck Tohru. We'll miss having you around here."

The bell on the door jingles, and people start flooding in.

"Look at you, all right on time," her boss calls out.

"Hey, we're always very punctual," a familiar voice says back, tone sarcastic. Tohru looks up, meets eyes with Itsuki for just a second, then turns away.

"Bullshit, Yamada." The room erupts in laughter. This is another one of those moments Tohru doesn't know what to do with, so she zones herself out for a minute. She tries not to think about Itsuki being across the room. She hasn't had to see him since that night a few weeks ago. She feels a little shaken by his presence, but she's pleased to notice that it's not as much as she had expected. Maybe leaving this place really will do her a lot of good.

Her boss claps his hands together, snapping her out of it.

"Thanks for coming, everyone. I know it's a hassle to get you all into the office at the same time. But some important changes are going to take place soon."

He continues, jumping into a discussion about financials that Tohru doesn't understand nor have any part in. She only tunes back in when she hears her name.

"And lastly, Tohru-kun here is going to be leaving us. She'll be working at the Sohma Dojo, so if any of you guys want to get into better shape, go see her," he laughs. He rubs her shoulder. His tone and his touch are gentle, but Tohru feels as though she's going to pass out.

She looks to Itsuki, who's still standing by the door, but now with an eyebrow raised slightly. It's such a subtle change in expression that you wouldn't notice it—not unless you knew him well enough to look for it, that is. She blinks, trying to clear the dark spots out of her vision. She can't faint, not here in front of all her coworkers, in front of him. If she wants to look like even more of an idiot than she already has in this office, that would be how to do it. She grips the edge of her desk. Itsuki's eyes follow the movement of her fingers. It's a small shift in her stance that no one in the room notices, but him, she's sure; because just like her, he knows what to look for.

"That's all, everyone. Good work, and I'll see you on Monday." Everyone disperses, no one even slightly interested in anything he'd just said about Tohru. That's a relief, at least.

He turns to her and lowers his voice. "I hope you didn't mind me saying that. You've just been here so long, I felt like I had to let everyone know." Tohru can't do anything but smile and give him a slight nod. He nods back and walks off, and Tohru immediately sinks down into her chair.

She's vaguely aware of the fact that Itsuki is the only person left in the room now, and that he's walking over to her, and she should leave before he gets over here. But she can't move. Can't breathe, can't think. All she can do is sit there feeling lightheaded and nauseous.

"Are you okay?" Itsuki asks.

Tohru can't tell if she's going to pass out anymore, or just throw up. Maybe both. She presses the back of her hand to her mouth and forces herself to swallow.

"Tohru?" he presses.

"Fine," she chokes out. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine."

"Well, I am."

"Well, then…" he pauses and runs a hand through his hair, clearly feeling a little awkward. "Since you're leaving, I guess this is one of my last chances to talk to you. You blocked my number and all." If she were feeling like her normal self, she'd know exactly where this is going. But now she just watches him, feeling sick and stupid. "Well, I just…I'm so sorry, Tohru. You didn't deserve any of that. I was stupid, is my only excuse. I tried to apologize a couple weeks ago because it was six months to the day that you left me. And I've been trying really hard to get my shit together since then. I don't see her anymore. I miss you. And I want—"

She laughs a little, the sound bitter and rough. She'd gotten drawn into it for a second—into his pretty words, and the way they flow so perfectly out of his mouth. Kyo was right; Itsuki's real objective is to just win her back, probably so he can have an easy lay on hand .

She's such an idiot.

She stands up and reaches for her bag, making to leave, but she almost immediately has to sit back down.

"Do you need some water or something?" he asks, laying a hand on her arm.

She stiffens at the contact and shakes her head, which only makes her even dizzier. She cringes against the onslaught of vertigo, but forces out, "I need you to get away from me."

"Tohru, I'm just trying—"

And suddenly she's back in their apartment, and she's back in the lobby of the building a few weeks ago, and all she can hear is the rest of the sentence, whether it's actually accurate or not— "to apologize."

And now she's crying.

"Go away," she chokes out. "Just leave, go away. Please. Please."

"I'm not going to leave you when you're looking like this," he says, tone sharp. He rubs his hand up and down her arm. She's never hated being touched as much as she does right now. "Do you want me to call someone? That guy or something?"

At the mention of Kyo, she just cries harder. She can't talk at all anymore. He's probably downstairs waiting for her by now. All she has to do is make it outside and into his arms, and everything will be okay. But she can't move. She didn't want Itsuki to know she was quitting. She wanted to just go quietly, didn't want anyone to know, but especially not him. What if he tries to follow her? How could she be so stupid, telling her boss exactly where she's going? She always does this—gives kindness and politeness when there's no hope of getting any back in return.

Itsuki leans in and reaches out, then, taking her face between his hands. "Tohru, hey," he says. "Look at me."

She doesn't answer, can't answer; she just brings her hands up to his and lays them on his wrists. She wants to push him away, but she can't tell if she's even moving her hands or essentially just letting them rest there.

The bell on the door rings. Both Itsuki and Tohru turn toward it, but Tohru can't see her through her tears. She tries desperately to blink them away. The person in the doorway is quiet for a moment, and then Tohru sees orange as her eyes clear just a bit.

Kyo.

"What's going on?" he asks, and his voice is so steady and cold that it honestly terrifies her, even though she's sure it's not directed at her.

"She's sick. Or having a panic attack, or something. I don't know." Itsuki pulls his hands away and takes a few steps back, making room for Kyo to come in next to her. He hurries over and kneels down next to her chair.

"Hey," he says softly. She's still unable to breathe; she just sits there and trembles, lungs fighting for air. He reaches out and touches her hand. She jumps, and he jerks back. "Okay, I won't touch you," he assures her. "It's okay." Then he turns to Itsuki, and his tone becomes icy again. "What the hell did you do to her?"

"What? Nothing. She got like this when our boss told us all she's quitting. I only asked if she wanted me to call you."

"What?" Kyo mumbles. He shakes his head and stands, probably figuring he'll get better details from Tohru herself, later. He picks up her bag. His next words look like they pain him, but he says them anyway: "Thanks, I guess?"

Itsuki nods a little, crossing his arms over his chest.

Tohru manages to get her hands up to her eyes, and she rubs the remaining tears away. Now that Kyo's here, even though her lungs still feel like they're on fire and she's dizzy and sick to her stomach, she at least doesn't feel the need to cry anymore. But now that she can finally see Kyo's expression clearly, she wishes she couldn't. She can't really read it. He looks so sad. Hurt, almost.

"Can I touch you now?" he whispers. She nods. He reaches out and takes her hand, pulls her up to her feet. "Let's go."

They almost make it to the door, but then Itsuki clears his throat. They pause. "I will warn you, though, that I told her I want her back."

Kyo rolls his eyes and starts walking again, still leading Tohru along. "Good luck with that," he says. Then his face hardens. It looks like he's considering something. Tohru wants to ask what, because it doesn't look like it could possibly be good, but she doesn't know if she can find her voice yet. So they walk in silence, take the train in silence, and then head up the stairs to her apartment in silence.

Kyo digs through her bag for her keys. As he unlocks the door, Tohru notices that his hands are trembling. They step into the genkan, and Tohru grabs his hand. He immediately lays down her bag and starts looking her over, lifting her arms and pushing her hair back from her neck, like he's examining her for injuries.

"What happened?" he asks.

Tohru sniffles a little. He opens his arms. "Just a panic attack, I guess," she says, leaning into his chest. Her voice is gravelly from crying, still, and the way it tremors makes her feel small and pathetic. She tries to ignore it and just wraps her arms around Kyo, instead.

"But why?"

"M-my boss…he told everyone that I'm leaving, and exactly where I'm going. I didn't want anyone to know."

Kyo's quiet for a moment, just holding her and rubbing her back. "The name of the dojo and everything?" he asks. Tohru nods.

"I won't let anything happen to you, Tohru. You know that, right? And neither would Kunimitsu or Master. If anyone shows up looking for you, they're gonna pay for it."

She nods again. "I know. Thank you, Kyo-kun." And she really does know that. She knows that Kyo would put her life on the line for her, if necessary, but it doesn't really make her feel better, in this moment. She doesn't want him to have to.

He presses a kiss to the top of her head. "I love you," he says, but it sounds a little sad. She knows he doesn't like seeing her upset. Guilt stabs at her ribs; she's worried him. Again.

"I love you, too. So much."

He takes her to bed, laying down next to her after she's in pajamas and under the covers. "Do you want me to stay?" he asks.

At the realization that he might leave, her eyes fly open wide. She reaches out and grabs his wrist, the movement so fast and her grip so tight that Kyo startles. "Please don't leave," she says, voice tight.

"Okay," he says. "I won't go anywhere, then."

And he doesn't; he keeps his word. He holds her all night. As she finally drifts off to sleep, she thinks fleetingly that being in his arms right now might be the safest she's ever felt.

The next day, Kyo takes Tohru to the dojo. Kazuma's planning on training her, and Tohru had canceled lunch with Uo because this was one of the only times Kazuma could squeeze her into his schedule. The whole way to the dojo, Kyo suggested that they just cancel this too—Master wouldn't be bothered—but even though Tohru still seems spacey and a little down, she argues with him about how rude that would be. She gets her way, naturally—Stubborn Tohru is a force to be reckoned with, and Kyo doesn't have the energy today. The air between them is tight enough, as it is; Tohru's embarrassed about last night, and Kyo's holding onto a bruised ego from it. He doesn't need to make things worse.

Hugs and pleasantries are exchanged, then when Kazuma pulls her off to the little office she'll be working in, Kyo changes into his gi and tries to get some practice in with the punching bag, since no students are in right now. Inevitably, his mind wanders.

Kick.

Fuck that Itsuki guy. Kyo's not at all worried about him possibly coming to the dojo, but what is he doing, trying to get back with Tohru after he hurt her so badly? Time and time again, he's done nothing but destroy her, then leave her alone to try and pick up the pieces. And now he thinks he deserves her back?

Punch.

And then he just goes and announces it to Kyo, so casually like that? He knows they're together. He asked if he should call Kyo, after all. Why didn't Tohru say yes?

Kick.

"I will warn you…" What the hell does that even mean? Like he's a threat, or something. Physically, he looked like he was in good enough shape, but Kyo's confident he could still kick the shit out of him, if needed. And like Tohru would ever want to go back to him, anyway. But…

Punch.

His form slips. "Fuck," he curses under his breath, pulling his hand back. He gives it a shake, then brings it closer to his face to look at. His knuckles are red and swollen, and one seems to be…well, not quite where it's supposed to be.

Even with the throbbing pain in his hand, Kyo's mind still latches onto its unfinished thought. The way she'd been holding onto Itsuki as she cried…was that completely innocent? Did she like him touching her face? Was that why she didn't ask him to call? Tohru's never had an easy time letting go of people, even when they deserve to be kicked to the curb. Surely, she's at least wished a little for him to apologize and try to fix things. It's only natural, especially for someone as loving as her. But, would she want it to go any further than that? Kyo's not so sure, right now.

"Fuck!" he says again, louder this time, and throws a haphazard kick into the punching bag. Then he takes a deep breath and wanders down the hall toward the cabinet that holds the first aid kit. He's wrong. He has to be. She won't leave him. He hates this, though—that he can so badly lose his focus because of some other guy wanting Tohru, that he feels so insecure and pathetic that he truly believed for a minute that Tohru might want him, too.

"Kunimitsu," Kyo calls, kneeling and grabbing the kit.

"What?" Kunimitsu shouts back, sticking his head out of the kitchen doorway. Kyo holds up his hand. "Holy shit." Kunimitsu rushes over and crouches down next to Kyo, taking his hand to examine it. Kyo hisses in pain at the contact.

"Help me wrap it, will you?" Kyo asks, nudging the first aid kit toward Kunimitsu with his good hand.

"No, I think it's broken, man. You've gotta go to the hospital."

At the word hospital, Kazuma's paternal instincts kick in along with Tohru's girlfriend instincts—they look around the office door at the same time, the same shocked look on their faces.

"Kyo-kun? What happened?!" Tohru asks. Even though he wants to save face, there's no hiding it from her. Reluctantly, he holds his hand up into her view. Her eyes widen. "Oh my gosh."

"Kyo, how did that happen?" Kazuma asks.

"Bad punch," Kyo says simply.

Kyo hasn't thrown a truly bad punch in years, and never one that bad. Kazuma glances back and forth between him and Tohru. Kyo's sure they're quite the sight right now—him with his destroyed hand and bitter demeanor, her with her eyes still red and puffy from crying last night. Kyo turns away from his dad, embarrassed not only about his injury, but about how it must look like he and Tohru must be fighting about something or another.

Kazuma moves toward the door. "I'll get the car."

Tohru kneels next to Kyo and tilts her head, trying to get a better view of his hand. "Master has a car?"

"The dojo does," Kunimitsu says. "For moments exactly like this."

Tohru hums. "Kyo-kun…does it hurt badly?"

Kyo sighs and stands back up. "Yeah, hurts like a bitch," he admits. "But it'll be fine."

Kunimitsu and Tohru exchange a look. Kyo knows they're thinking the same thing—how will he teach or practice martial arts with a broken hand?

Kyo couldn't care less about that, right now. His job doesn't matter. The pain in his hand doesn't matter. What matters is the unsettling feeling in his chest, how emotionally exhausted Tohru looks, and how much he wishes he could just read her mind so he could put an end to this tension.

"Should I drive you once Master brings the car around?" she asks.

He raises an eyebrow. "Do you even know how to drive? 'Cause right now's not really a good time for a lesson."

"Kyo," Kunimitsu chastises. And Kyo can admit that it's a bit deserved—that was a lot snippier than he'd meant to be. But he doesn't say anything, just looks away. Kunimitsu turns to Tohru. "I'll drive you two, Tohru-kun."

"Thank you, Kunimitsu-san," she says. Out of the corner of his eye, Kyo can see her bow. Kunimitsu waves his hands awkwardly at the formality.

Kyo turns his head a bit, just enough to see Tohru properly again. Her mood hasn't seemed to change since his last comment, so that's good at least. He doesn't know how he'd live with himself if he made her feel even worse right now.

Master honks the car from the drive, and the group gather their shoes and head outside. Master agrees that he should stay behind to staff the dojo, and leaves the trip in Kunimitsu's hands. Everyone piles into the little car, Tohru and Kyo both in the back. They're quiet, and even usually-boisterous Kunimitsu seems to sense that he shouldn't talk. Kyo's glad.

"Call me when you're done," he says as Tohru and Kyo step out of the car at the hospital. "I'll just go hang out at that coffee shop across the street."

"Thank you again!" Tohru calls, shutting the car door behind Kyo.

Kyo checks in at the front desk, then joins Tohru where she waits in one of the stiff plastic chairs. Neither of them say anything for a moment. And it's in that silence that Kyo realizes, for the millionth time in his life, that he is a fucking jackass.

He reaches over with his good hand and squeezes Tohru's knee. She stiffens a bit at the contact, but she quickly relaxes into it, putting her hand on his.

"I'm sorry," he says softly.

"Me too," she whispers back.

And again, he has no idea what she's apologizing for. But he doesn't want to risk making her upset, so he just rubs his thumb in circles against her knee absentmindedly.

"Kyo-kun?" Tohru asks after a minute.

"Mm?" he asks, turning toward her. Her expression is hard. Between the frown settling on her lips and the red bags under her eyes, she looks like she's just been through hell and back. The fact that Kyo has any part in it makes his heart ache.

"How did this happen to your hand? Really."

"It was a bad punch, really," he insists, then pauses. He should just say it. The only way to soothe his anxiety is to talk to Tohru about it. He knows that, learned it a long time ago. But he's such a coward sometimes. He takes a deep breath in an attempt to steady his nerves. "I was thinking about last night and got distracted."

Tohru's frown deepens, and she turns her face away even though she continues the conversation. "I'm sorry. About last night. And that it got you hurt today, too."

"No, Tohru," he says. He moves his hand up to her cheek, guiding her face toward him. Tears are gathering in her eyes. "It's not your fault. I just love you. I don't like it when bad stuff happens to you. I wish I could always protect you. And—"

"Kyo Sohma?" a nurse calls.

Kyo curses under his breath, then shouts back, "Coming." Of course he'd get called back right when he's gathered his courage. He leans forward and kisses the tip of Tohru's nose. It actually gets her to smile a little bit, and that makes his heart soar temporarily. "I'll be right back," he says.

"I love you," she tells him, and while it would normally make him feel warm, right now it just makes him feel like even more of a horrible person again.

"I love you too."

"Sohma?" the nurse calls out again.

Kyo rushes over to her. In the doorway, she looks down at his hand and raises an eyebrow. "Broken hand?"

"Think so."

"Do you want her in the room with you?" she asks, gesturing in Tohru's general direction. Kyo glances over his shoulder.

Yes.

But Tohru is staring at the ground, wringing her hands together in her lap. He doesn't need to make her worry even more.

"No, it's okay. I'll go alone."

Chapter 18: how did I go from growing up to breaking down?

Summary:

"There's not much for Tohru to do while she sits in the hospital waiting room, other than to think. So that's what she does. She thinks until she's literally given herself a headache and a churning stomach."

Notes:

Hi! 👋🏻This is a lot shorter than other chapters, buuuut this was the only good place to end this one. I hope you enjoy.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

There's not much for Tohru to do while she sits in the hospital waiting room, other than to think. So that's what she does. She thinks until she's literally given herself a headache and a churning stomach.

She thinks about how Kyo got hurt because of her. Again. That's not a new thing—she's always being a burden to him in one way or another.

And she thinks about Itsuki, and wonders if he's actually tried to change since she left him. Even if he has, she doesn't want anything to do with him. It took her a while to get to this point, but she's ready to move on and create a new life for herself now. She knows that with her whole being. But even so, there's something unsettling about not knowing if he was telling the truth. Tohru doesn't like not knowing things.

Mostly, she thinks about Kyo's mood today, and how it seems to be directly related to last night in a way she can't quite comprehend. All day, he's looked like he's on the verge of breaking. Like one more thing going wrong will just shatter him completely.

How does she fix it?

She's not sure.

And that realization terrifies her, sends a piercing chill through her body.

She closes her hands into fists around the bottom hem of her skirt, grinds her teeth.

"Hey."

She turns toward the sound, and at the sight of Kyo, she feels her entire body relax a bit. How does he always show up at just the right time? While she's busy accidentally tearing him apart in a million little ways, he's busy coming to her rescue nevertheless.

"All done," he says, holding up his wrapped hand.

"Broken?" she asks, standing.

He nods. "Yeah. Should be okay in four-to-six weeks."

She frowns a little at that. She'd assumed it would take a bit, but that long?

"Uh. What are you going to do about work until then?" She doesn't know if she should be asking that right now, or if she should just leave it alone. Despite the soft smile on his face, he's clearly a bit distraught. But she has a right to be curious, doesn't she?

Kyo sighs and shakes his head. "I dunno. I'm gonna have to talk to Master about that. I'll have to find ways to stay in shape, too. Lots of running, I guess? I don't know."

Tohru takes one step closer. He'd touched her before he went back to see the doctor, so it should be okay if she touches him…probably. She swallows down her anxiety, then reaches up and puts her hands on his cheeks. She gently tugs him down into a kiss. She can feel him smile against her lips a little bit before he actually kisses her back, and her nerves settle a bit.

"It'll be okay," she says softly.

He nods. "Let's call Kunimitsu and get the hell out of here. I've spent so much time here today, I don't ever wanna come to a hospital ever again."

Tohru laughs a bit, but it's hollow. She knows that feeling all too well. He seems to catch his mistake, because his eyes widen and he opens his mouth to talk, probably to try and fix it. Tohru just smiles and shakes her head. He sighs and kisses her forehead.

"Sorry," he whispers anyway. She shakes her head again.

Tohru calls Kunimitsu, and once they make it back to the dojo, Kyo, Master, and Kunimitsu try to make a plan for how Kyo will work for the next four-to-six weeks. After a lot of discussion (and a little bickering), they decide that Kunimitsu will take over Kyo's classes and Kyo will be the assistant teacher instead. Tohru's not quite sure what "assistant teacher" means, but from the look on Kyo's face when they leave the dojo to go back to her place, she can tell that it's not a good thing.

"Basically walking around and correcting the kids' form, and getting towels and water and stuff. Kunimitsu and I do it for each other when the other is the lead teacher, but to do it all the time is gonna be tedious. And it's gonna be a lot more work for Kunimitsu, leading twice as many classes," he says when she asks. He shrugs, an attempt at looking indifferent. But she sees through it down to his disappointment, and they both know it, she's sure.

Tohru takes a moment to think before answering, but all she can come up with in the end is, "Oh, I see." She tries to keep the dip out of her voice, but fails. He sees through her attempt, too, and squeezes her hand.

"It's alright. Like you said, it'll be okay. It's only for a few weeks. I'm lucky to have a job where everyone understands that shit happens."

Yeah, shit happens. Because of her.

She shakes her head in an attempt to clear it. Kyo watches, raises an eyebrow. "What's wrong?" he asks. Tohru doesn't answer right away, so he adds, "You know it's not your fault, right, Tohru?"

She sighs and stops walking. He falls to a halt next to her.

"Well…it sort of is, really," she says softly.

"It's not," he says back firmly.

She bites her lower lip, trying to keep her frustration and guilt down. How does he not see this like she does?—that he got hurt when he was distracted about how helpless she'd been the other night, and therefore it is absolutely her fault.

"You got distracted because of me," she shoots back. He raises an eyebrow at her tone. "Because of how stupid I am, and how pathetic. You got hurt because of me."

As much as she hates how her voice raises in volume, and gets more shrill, too, it also feels sort of good to say this. To let it all out. She learned a long time ago that talking to Kyo usually feels good, but sometimes she needs to be reminded of that. Kyo reaches out to her, grabbing her shoulders. He flinches as his bad hand touches her, but doesn't let it stop him; he leans in and kisses her, slow and deep and sweet, and she feels all the tension leave her body. How effortlessly he can do that—calm her down when she's on the edge of hysteria, just with a kiss.

When he pulls back, he says, "I just worry about you because I love you. It just comes with the territory, so I know you worry about me, too. I got hurt because I wasn't paying attention, and that's on me. I shouldn't practice when I'm distracted, and I know that. It's not your fault."

She just looks at him for a moment, pondering him. He's a mystery, one she doesn't think she'll ever fully understand; his selflessness, his love for her…it's almost baffling, at times.

He squeezes her shoulders a bit. "Got it?" he asks. She nods. "Good."

They start walking again, fingers interlocked. "Kyo-kun?" she asks.

"Mm?"

"Do you, uh…would you like to come stay with me for a while? So I can help you while your hand is healing?"

"I mean…" He trails off, sighs.

Tohru doesn't quite understand why this is such a big deal. They practically live together already, anyway. Asking is pretty much just a formality. "You don't want to?"

"That's not it. It's just…well you deserve a break. A lot's been going on for you lately. I don't wanna make everything harder. It's just a broken hand. I can handle it."

She smiles a little, but it still feels a bit hollow. "I wouldn't have asked if I minded, Kyo-kun."

He smiles back, his less strained now than before. "Okay. Then yeah. I'd love to come stay with you."

Her smile widens, feels a little less fake. "Good."

It's kind of amazing, really, how quickly they fall into the routine of actually, fully living together. It feels so natural; and although they've spent the night before, of course, this is oddly intimate in a whole new way. Sleeping next to each other, changing in the same room, brushing their teeth side by side, eating breakfast together and leaving for work at the same time, creating a routine of cuddling on the couch after dinner…it's so purely blissful that Kyo's almost able to forget everything that's been going on. He doesn't really remember that his hand is broken until he tries to do something strenuous and Tohru scolds him. Tohru forces herself to go into work, determined to finish it out, and he walks her home every night with Itsuki the farthest thing from his mind because he never shows up again.

But…Kyo can't touch her face.

He knows it's stupid, but any time he reaches out to cup her cheeks in his hands, he sees Itsuki holding her face in their office, her hands on his arms. It makes him a little sick in a way he can't explain, and he always has to pull back and find another way to touch her instead. If she's noticed, she hasn't said anything. But he knows how much she likes him touching her face when they kiss, so he's sure she's figured it out, even if she doesn't know the reason behind it.

He knows he should tell her. But he can't, just can't, so he does his best to ignore it and hold her close in other, less painful ways.

Work is frustrating, but Master and Kunimitsu make it as easy on him as possible. They don't act like anything's different, just focus on making things business-as-usual. Kyo appreciates that. Although a few of his students have asked why he's not teaching, and then made comments on his wrapped hand when they noticed it. That's probably the worst part of it all—having to explain to little kids that he messed up throwing a punch when he's supposed to be their skilled sensei is just plain disheartening; he doesn't even believe the "everyone makes mistakes" talk he's been dishing out to them. Kyo knows he really isn't supposed to be doing this, but he throws kicks and punches (with his good hand) into the punching bag between classes to get his frustration out.

The metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel, when it comes to work, is that an event Kyo has been helping plan since the beginning of the year is coming up. A couple classes of elementary schoolers are going to spend the night at the dojo like a big sleepover, practicing together and playing games to bond; even though students compete alone in competitions, team bonding is still important, and Kyo's noticed that comradery has been lacking lately. The kids are excited, and so is the dojo staff.

Kyo wouldn't spend a night away from Tohru, knowing there will be minimal contact with her, if things weren't almost completely back to normal, though. She's his priority, no matter how draining work has been lately. She's his priority, no matter what. So he makes sure to check in with her throughout the week— "Are you still okay with me going?" "It's no big deal if I miss it."—to make sure they're on the same page about things. To which he always gets a, "Yes, Kyo-kun. I can spend one night alone. Go have fun."

Kyo knows he can read Tohru incredibly well, even when she doesn't talk, and he's sure he'd be able to tell if she wasn't telling the truth. She seems like she's being genuine. So, that next Friday after a quick dinner, he kisses her goodbye and heads back to work.

Tohru takes the night alone as an opportunity to curl up in bed with a bottle of wine next to her and a Netflix show on her phone in her lap. She doesn't like being alone, not usually, but she's glad that Kyo is out having fun—he's been so down about work lately—so she's determined to have a good time to show him he doesn't need to worry about her. He needs to be able to go do things on his own without fretting that she'll break down. She queues up the next episode of the show she's been watching, some weird anime that Uo-chan suggested, then hesitates before actually pressing play.

She's not sure what makes her mind wander in such a direction, but she's suddenly thinking about last week. About Itsuki.

She's almost certain that everything is back to normal with Kyo, though she wasn't too sure of what was bothering him in the first place. It seemed to go beyond just worrying about her, but he never opened up about it, and she didn't want to pressure him…

Thinking about what happened with Itsuki when everything seems normal again makes her feel guilty. So she sits there, phone on the bed in front of her, glass at her lips, stuck in a cycle of guilt and curiosity.

She grabs her phone and opens Instagram, still caught in the middle of those two emotions, when Uo-chan's words from right after her breakup come to mind: "Never look at an ex's social media. It'll only hurt you."

Could one look really be that bad? Just to see if he was telling the truth?

Her thumb hangs uncertainly over the search bar. There's really no reason to be doing this. She shouldn't care; no, doesn't care. She lets her phone drop onto the mattress, then sips at her wine nervously instead. She tries to figure out what the hell she's doing. Kyo's gone for just one night, and she starts to self-sabotage? How pathetic. At least she can recognize it now, she supposes. That shows a bit of growth, no matter how small.

But after the glass is gone, her nerves still haven't settled, and her curiosity gets the best of her. She takes the bottle from her nightstand, refills her glass and picks up her phone again. She feels completely numb as her thumbs tap out a username she wishes she could forget but just can't. Itsuki's page comes up, and she taps onto it. She never blocked him on Facebook or Instagram, just unfriended him, which in hindsight was stupid, but is also sort of convenient at the moment.

She scrolls through the pictures, skipping anything that has just him in it, keeping her eye out for the woman he'd cheated on her with. She wouldn't be surprised if that woman stuck with him, with how desperate for his affection she'd seemed, but she also really hopes that's not the case. And it doesn't appear to be. No pictures of her anywhere. Tohru sighs.

Maybe he has been trying to change, trying to devote himself to being a person who deserves Tohru (whatever that means, exactly). It doesn't change anything about how she feels, other than just giving her a little peace.

She's about to close the app when another thought occurs to her.

What if there's someone else?

She scrolls back up to the top of his profile and goes down from there. A few images in, there is a picture of him with his arm draped across a woman's shoulders, his lips pressed to hers. The date on the picture—a week ago exactly. The same day he'd told Tohru he wanted her back.

She feels sick to her stomach.

So, ~~naturally~~, she digs deeper. Maybe the picture isn't what it looks like.

There's nothing about this woman in the bio section of his page, so maybe Facebook? That's her next task.

In a relationship.

In the overwhelming anger she feels, Tohru wants to throw her phone across the room and wash it crash against the wall, but luckily still has her wits about her enough to see that that won't do any good. She sets it down with shaking fingers, clenches her hands into fists instead.

Then, she laughs.

It's not a joyful sound, but bitter and dry.

People have always told her she's dumb and naive. She's always laughed it off, then secretly tried to deny it to herself when alone. But she must really be, to have gotten herself into such a mess in the first place. And not only that, but to keep bringing it back around over and over again. She has everything, everything she's ever wanted and needed, and she still can't quite figure out how to completely let go of the past.

So stupid. And selfish.

She feels like she should cry, but no tears come right away. What would crying solve, anyway? She did this to herself. It's her fault. All her fault. She loves Kyo, wants to be with him, but she also doesn't know how to move forward with the mess in her heart; she'd hoped that working at the dojo, around Kyo all the time, would make it better. Now she sees that's just dumb, a bandaid across a stab wound.

She finishes her second serving of wine, sets the glass aside, and holds her head in her hands. Finally, she lets out a sob.

She's supposed to be smarter now—a wise adult who learns from her past experiences. Yet, here she is, knowing that part of her still wanted to believe what Itsuki said to her even though it wasn't logical. She hates that part of her.

She hates herself.

Tohru drinks more, and cries herself to sleep, but wakes up around 4:30 with a lurching feeling in her stomach. She rushes to the bathroom to throw up.

It's odd. She never gets sick after drinking, even though she's pretty tiny. Granted she did finish off an entire bottle of wine alone in one sitting last night…

Even after vomiting, the vague feeling of nausea doesn't leave her. She sits on the tile floor in the bathroom with a finger pressed to her temple and her eyes closed. The past few days, she's felt a little odd. Tired and achy, not quite as hungry as she usually is. A thought occurs to her, and she chases it, though she's sure it's completely ridiculous.

How long has it been…?

Her eyes fly open wide.

She needs to go to the store.

Notes:

Chapter title from "Nothing New" by Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers (see a pattern in the music I listen to? 🥴)

Chapter 19: look at this godforsaken mess that you've made me

Summary:

"Many things in Tohru Honda's life have not gone as planned."

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Many things in Tohru Honda's life have not gone as planned.

She lost her mother when she was young. She moved in with three random men at 16 years old. She confessed her love to one of them, after she never thought she'd feel that way for anyone, and got rejected. She fell off a cliff. She got engaged, got betrayed, then reconnected with her old flame.

And now…

Even though Tohru knows that things don't go as she plans, she still has allowed herself to have expectations for at least this. She always thought that, by the time this happened, she'd be older than she is now. She'd be married and have a house and a job she loved. She'd be far more financially stable than this, not to mention more emotionally stable.

And now…

All of that goes out the window.

Despite that, she feels herself smile.

She lets the plastic stick slip between her fingers and land with a clatter on the bathroom floor, a sob escaping her lips.

When Kyo gets back to Tohru's place around 11, she doesn't answer the door. He frowns. She gave him a key, but he still feels a little weird using it when she's home, and she always answers when he knocks, so there's never been a reason to. He swings his backpack around to his chest and digs for the key.

"Tohru?" he calls once he steps in. He kicks off his shoes, lays his bag down, and looks around the main room. Empty. Is she actually not here?

He makes his way to the bedroom door and peeks in. If he couldn't see her breathing, he'd have no idea she's even there—she's completely covered by the blanket, head and all. Next to the bed is an empty bottle of wine and a tipped-over glass, also empty. She's been drinking? That much? Kyo bites back a sigh and goes over to her. He pulls the blanket off her head and leans down, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"Hey, sleepyhead. You okay?" he murmurs as she starts to stir.

She opens her eyes and blinks a few times. When her gaze finally settles on his face, she gasps. He jumps in surprise.

"Kyo-kun, I—" she blurts, sitting up. Then she presses a palm to her forehead. "What time is it?!"

Kyo brushes her hand away and replaces it with his own. She doesn't feel warm, at least. Her eyes, though—they're red and puffy, a giveaway that she's been crying. "11-ish. Are you feeling sick?"

"Oh, well, that's…" She trails off, turns away with flushed cheeks. Even though she looks embarrassed, and conflicted about what to say next, her lips are also curling up into the beginning of a small smile. "I'm fine."

"You drank a whole bottle of wine?"

The smile leaves her face. "Last night was…" She stops again, though, and Kyo feels his heart sink a bit. She's not talking to him. When Tohru doesn't talk to him and avoids his eyes like this, something's wrong. One thing he prides himself on is being her confidant. He can always get things out of her that no one else is able to; like they speak a secret language at times, almost. But right now, it's like she's just…completely shut down.

"What happened last night?" he prods gently. He gets in bed next to her, pulls her into his chest. She stiffens for just a second, then slings an arm over his torso. "Must have been something, for you to have drunk your body weight in crappy convenience store wine." He tickles her ribs a little, hoping it might make her smile. She does, but it looks tired.

"I didn't drink my body weight," she protests weakly.

"Eh, I dunno about that. You're pretty puny."

"Kyo-kun."

He tilts his head to get a better look at her face, and smiles when he sees that her expression has brightened a bit. "Wanna tell me what's going on?" he asks, though he's sort of reluctant to bring it back up when she's starting to feel better.

She takes a deep breath. "I…last night…" She closes her eyes tight, draws in another heavy breath. "I…was thinking about what Itsuki said last week. And I got curious. I sort of wondered if he was telling the truth when he said he'd changed. So I looked at his Instagram, and…he's dating someone. He's still the same." A tear slides down her cheek. Kyo reaches out and wipes it away instinctively, but he doesn't know how to feel about any of this.

Why did she feel the need to do that? She must have realized that it was pointless. Unless…

He sits up a little straighter, shifting her off of him in the process. She opens her eyes to look at him again. "Why did you do that?" he asks. His voice tremors a bit, betraying how anxious he's feeling. He hopes she didn't notice.

Tohru looks a little baffled by that question. "I don't—I really was just curious."

Kyo looks away, tries to gather himself, then switches gears. "And that's when you drank a whole bottle of wine?"

"Yeah. And passed out," she adds quietly. That doesn't make this any better.

"Tohru. You could have made yourself sick."

"W-well, I did get sick…but not really because of that. Speaking of, Kyo-kun, I have something to te—"

Kyo clenches his fists. "Tohru, tell me the truth. Are you…still in love with Itsuki?" He has to know. He can't take it anymore. It's all been adding up slowly, over a period of weeks—her sleeping with Asahi for no reason other than to numb her heart for a minute, her letting Itsuki cradle her face, and now her looking at his Instagram and getting drunk when she sees he's taken. He knows that he asked his question in a completely insensitive way, cutting her off and just blurting it out like that. But it's too late to go back now. He turns back to face Tohru.

He has to know. No matter how much the answer might hurt.

Her eyes widen. "What?" she whispers. Then, louder, "No, of course not! Kyo-kun, I'm in love with you!" Her expression is panicked, absolutely frantic.

He believes her.

He wants to believe her.

Kyo smiles a little, though it's a bit bitter. Tohru reaches out and grabs his hand. "I have absolutely no feelings for him. None."

"Then, why did you…?"

She sighs, gives his hand a squeeze. He can't quite bring himself to hold hers back, but he appreciates her touch grounding him a bit. "I think…I just don't know how to let go, sometimes."

Kyo shakes his head a little. She narrows her eyes, clearly trying to figure him out. "Tohru…" he whispers. "Tohru, I don't know how to help you with that." He feels his eyes tear up. He blinks to try and clear them from his vision, but it doesn't work, and they start to drip off his lashes. Tohru gasps a bit at the sight.

"What do you mean?" she asks slowly.

"Was this—us—too soon?"

She shakes her head vehemently, grips his hand even tighter. "No, of course not. We found each other again at the perfect time. And Kyo-kun, I need—"

He sniffles. "It doesn't sound like you had time to heal. I don't…how do I help? I want to help, but…it sounds like something you might need to do alone."

She flinches, draws her hand back. "What? Kyo-kun, please just listen for a second. It's important…" She trails off, though, expression solemn.

But all Kyo can see right now is what's directly in front of him.

He chokes back a sob and puts a hand over his eyes. He means it. He hates that he means it, but he does. How do you heal from a past relationship when you jump into another serious one so quickly afterwards? He doesn't know much about love, but he's heard that from other people before—you have to heal from a breakup on your own before finding someone else, or it'll just come back to haunt you. That concept has always made sense to him, and it's becoming even clearer right now. There are some things you have to do alone. There are some things you need to use your strength alone for. Maybe there are some things he can't help her with, no matter how much he loves her.

He feels sick to his stomach. The room is spinning, and it feels as though he's barely breathing. The last time he felt a pain this intense was when he saw Tohru on the ground, bloody and unconscious, after falling off the cliff.

"Kyo-kun…" she whispers. "What are you saying?"

He takes a deep breath. It burns his lungs. "I'm saying that maybe…maybe we need to take a break, so you can figure out how to let go."

He pulls his hand off his eyes and looks over at her. Her face goes white. She's always pale, but this is different—akin to snow, or a bed sheet. Her eyes tear up again. For a second, they just both stare at each other, crying quietly.

"D-do you mean that?" she chokes out.

No, he wants to say. This is his chance to take it back. Of course not. Let me hold you and kiss it all better.

But he can't say that, because he can't do that. Because this is his fault. Totally and completely his doing.

Tohru has always invested in relationships, though platonic, only with people that value her. Uotani, Hanajima, Yuki, Rin; they all hold her dear and treat her well, have done so since they first met her. But Itsuki, then Asahi…

Tohru's always thought rather lowly of herself, but what caused her to totally toss her worth out the window and find creeps like them?

It all started after she confessed to Kyo.

It all started with him.

"Yes," he says.

Tohru takes a shaky, shuddering breath. She looks like she might pass out. "Is this a break? Or a break up?" she asks softly.

"A break. For now, a break."

There's a minute of silence, then Tohru spits out, "What's that supposed to mean? 'For now'?" Now she sounds angry.

"We don't know what's going to happen. What if, during the break, you decide I'm not what you need? Or that you're still in love with him?" Kyo chokes out.

He glances away again, because he can't handle the look on her face. He can't even describe it—the amount of hurt, shock, and anger that make up her current expression.

"I think you should leave," she says after a bit.

The words, and her tone, pierce his heart, shattering it even more than it already was. Kyo fleetingly thinks that he doesn't know how he'll survive now—she's everything. But he wants what's best for her.

He nods, wipes at his eyes again, and stands up. He grabs his backpack and his shoes, anything else he might be forgetting be damned; he doesn't need it.

He shuts the front door, then leans back against it.

Where the hell does he go from here?

Tohru sits completely still on the bed until she hears her front door click shut.

After getting up so early and making a surprise run to a 24 hour convenience store, she was exhausted and had gone back to bed. She should have cleaned up first, washed her face to clear the bags from under her eyes. Maybe then he wouldn't have noticed something was up, and this wouldn't have happened.

Slowly, she reaches a shaking hand out to her nightstand and pulls the drawer open. Inside it, the positive pregnancy test stares back at her. Tohru slams the drawer shut and puts her head in her hands as a fresh round of tears begin to fall.

This can't be happening. There's no way this is real.

It's not possible…it's not possible that she's pregnant and alone now, left behind by the father and love of her life because she can't let go of a past grudge.

How did she let this happen? How could she be so stupid? Of course her pain drove Kyo away—who wouldn't it drive away? He must have felt like this for a long time, that she still has feelings for Itsuki. He must have felt it, but held on until it wasn't possible anymore, until she'd effectively made him feel like nothing more than a rebound because she can't let go.

She's alone.

Tohru's not sure how long she sits there, just crying. But by the time she's settled down a bit, it's probably well past when she was supposed to meet Uo-chan for lunch. She knows she should at least call, but her lungs and her heart and her eyes burn, and she doesn't think she'd be able to talk at all.

She doesn't think she's able to do anything at all, right now.

But the sun is warm on her back as it streams in through her bedroom window, and instinctively she pulls herself up and over to her closet. A walk. It's nice out, so maybe that's what she should do. Just go out in the sun and try to forget about all this for a while.

She owns one pair of jeans for times when she doesn't feel like trying to dress cutely—like right now—and she tugs them on, along with a baggy sweater. She shoves her phone and keys into her pockets, puts on whatever shoes she has by the front door, and heads out.

As soon as she's down the stairs, she realizes she has no idea where to go. Just like so many other times in her life.

But, also like many other times in her life, she knows that if she just starts walking, she can bullshit things until she figures it out.

As she walks, she's vaguely aware of her phone dinging incessently in her back pocket. Probably Uo-chan wondering where she is. It's not like Tohru to stand anyone up.

But who is Tohru, anyway? She has no idea, truly knows nothing about herself.

Understands nothing except that there's really no coming back from this. How could there be? The one person who understands her and truly loves her is gone. He left. And now she's carrying a reminder of him, one that she might have to raise alone. She's twenty. She's poor and heartbroken and unstable, so how could she do that? How could she possibly do it?

She can't.

She can't do any of this.

With a destination now in mind, she glances at the upcoming fork in the path, then turns right when she gets there. It's a long walk, but who cares. She has nothing but time right now, after all.

After a few minutes at Tohru's door, Kyo had let his feet carry him back to his apartment. Now, he sits on his living room floor, staring at the wall. He must be in shock; that's the only possible way to explain how he's feeling—he's numb, like an empty shell of a person; his mind isn't fully processing what just took place; and above all, he just wants Tohru.

His phone buzzes from where he'd chucked it onto the couch when he walked in. He sniffles, wipes his eyes, and turns to get it. A text from Uotani. Just fantastic.

"Carrots, where's Tohru? She didn't show up for lunch and isn't answering her phone."

He taps out a half-assed response, not having the capacity to put much thought into the situation. "She's not feeling well. She'll text you later." He immediately tosses his phone back onto the sofa afterwards.

Of course Tohru skipped lunch. She was a mess when Kyo left her place, and rightfully so. But…her not answering her phone is a little concerning. He can't exactly blame her, though.

He draws his knees up to his chest, then leans forward and rests his forehead on them.

He can't think about this anymore right now. He's going to drive himself insane, even more insane than he's already feeling.

His phone vibrates again, for longer this time, signaling a call instead of a text. He ignores it. Whoever it is calls again afterward, clearly persistent. Kyo just squeezes his eyes shut tight and tries to block out the sound, block out everything he's thinking and feeling. He basks in the self-induced silence for as long as possible, glad to at least have a still mind for a bit.

The next thing he knows, there's a loud knock at his door.

Notes:

Don't worry, I hate myself right now, too 🥲
Chapter title from "illicit affairs" by Taylor Swift.

Chapter 20: our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn't have to bear alone

Summary:

"He was everything, and now he's gone."

Notes:

Hi. I kind of figure these are easier to take in smaller bits, so I've been making the chapters a bit shorter than normal...also, the next one will be long, and I don't want to, like, info-dump.
Also, I promise no major character death or anything else traumatic like that. I would have made sure to tag them.
Enjoy (?)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Reluctantly, Kyo drags himself up off the floor. It's clear by how the knocking hasn't ceased at all that whoever this is isn't going away. He scrubs at his eyes with the heels of his palms one more time, then opens the door. He comes face-to-face with an incredibly pissed-looking Rin and a very resigned-looking Haru. Rin is holding onto Haru by his shirt collar like he might take off running if given the chance, her knuckles white with the force she's using. Kyo blinks in confusion.

He clears his throat to hopefully create a normal-sounding voice instead of a raspy one. "Uh, hi."

"You're an idiot!" Rin screams, then shakes Haru. "You're both fucking idiots. Wanna explain why?"

"I think you'll do a way better job," Haru mumbles, and Kyo cringes a bit. Maybe he should offer Haru a place to stay tonight; Kyo has no idea what's going on, but there's no way this is going to end well for Haru. And, by the looks of it, it's not going to end well for himself either, really.

Rin rolls her eyes. "You," she hisses, pointing at Kyo with her free hand. "You need to call Tohru. Now."

Kyo's immediate instinct is to play dumb. "What? I haven't talked to Tohru in forever. I don't even have her num—"

"Oh please. You both really thought I didn't know? I know you've been seeing her since you two talked at Shigure's."

Kyo feels his shoulders tense. "Did Tohru tell you?" he asks quietly.

"Not explicitly at first, but I'm not as fucking stupid as you all apparently think I am!"

Kyo bites back a groan. "Will you at least come inside so my neighbors don't call the police or something?"

"Oh, I'd love to," she replies, voice dripping with sarcasm. Rin shoves past Kyo, Haru getting pulled along with her. Kyo closes the door behind them.

"What does that mean?" Kyo asks. "'At first'?"

Rin finally releases Haru, opting to cross her arms over her chest instead. "I just called her and she finally came clean."

A sense of relief washes over Kyo at those words: I just called her. It's odd that Tohru's not talking to Uotani, but at least she's answering her phone for someone.

"But you knew before?" he says slowly, just trying to get everything straight. His mind is foggy and heavy with grief, and honestly, processing this is a little difficult because of it.

"Of course I did!" Rin screams, voice going shrill. Kyo takes a step back instinctively. "And I know it was your doing." She points to Haru, then turns back to Kyo, adding, "And I know you broke her heart today!"

Kyo doesn't say anything, just looks at Rin for a minute. This is the most unhinged he's ever seen her. She actually looks like she might burst into tears at any moment.

"Is she okay?" Kyo asks, voice small.

"Of course not! She's a fucking mess, and it's all because of you and your stupid pride, again!"

It's the again that sets him off. "You think I don't know that it's my fault?!" he shouts back. "Of course it's my fucking fault. All of it! Her getting into those shitty relationships, the way she's feeling right now—it's all because of me, and I fucking know that! It's all because of that night! So you don't need to sit here and tell me, because I already know!"

Rin takes a deep breath. "You're mad?" she asks. "You?"

Kyo covers his eyes with a hand and tries to keep a sob from escaping his throat. "Of course," he chokes out softly. "I'm mad and I'm sad."

Suddenly, he feels Rin's hands on his chest, and then she's pushing him backwards. He stumbles, but catches himself, then moves his hand away from his face to look at her with wide eyes.

"Then fucking do something about it! Before something awful like that happens again and you don't get another chance to fix it!"

"Rin," Haru chastises quietly. She ignores him, but does compose herself a bit more before saying anything else. Apparently even she knows she might have gone a bit far with that.

"I'm on your side here," she tells Kyo. "I want her to be happy, and if you're what does it, then fine. Good. But I'm not going to stay on your side if you just keep breaking her heart whenever things get hard. Relationships are fucking hard. Grow the fuck up."

She turns on her heel and heads to his door. "I can't believe you guys thought you could keep this a secret from me for this long," she adds, voice breaking. "I could have…if I'd really known for sure…I could have supported her. Haru, don't even think about coming home tonight."

Haru and Kyo exchange a glance.

"And you," she says, looking at Kyo one more time. "Call Tohru."

"Do you know where she is?" he asks.

"No clue. She wouldn't tell me. Maybe she'll tell you, if you haven't completely ruined things this time. I'll keep calling her, too." And then she's gone, slamming the door behind her.

Haru sighs. "Hurricane Rin has passed. So, I know this is awkward, but…can I stay here tonight?"

Kyo's only half-listening, the rest of him trying to fully comprehend what the fuck just happened. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Haru kicks off his shoes and flops down onto Kyo's couch. "Sorry, man," he calls.

"Sorry?" Kyo asks, snapping out of his thoughts. "Why are you sorry? You're in this mess because of me. I should be the one apologizing."

"Well…" Haru shrugs. "As long as you find Tohru, this'll all get fixed."

"You're…surprisingly calm about the fact that you just got kicked out of your apartment."

"Like I said, if you find Tohru, it'll all be okay."

"Aren't—aren't you going to tell me how stupid I am?" Kyo blurts, then.

Haru shakes his head. "Nah. From that conversation you had with Rin, it sounds like you already know how much of a stupid asshole you are. You're also pretty good at repairing things after you've been a stupid asshole, though."

"You think I should call her, then?"

"Worth a shot, to see if she answers."

A thought hits Kyo, then. She refused to tell Rin where she was, meaning she doesn't want to be found. Why? A chill shoots down his spine.

"You don't—you think she's okay, right? Like, she's not going to…do anything?" Kyo says, mumbling.

Haru sighs again. "Honda's strong as hell, but…I don't know. You know her better than I do, man."

"My phone," Kyo says. "Toss me my phone."

"Eh?" Haru shifts on the couch, then pulls Kyo's phone out from between two cushions and chucks it to him.

"I'll be right back." Kyo steps out onto the front step, closing the door behind him. He directs the screen of his phone to Tohru's contact information, hits the call button, and holds it to his ear, waiting. Straight to voicemail. He tries again, getting the same result.

His next best bet is to call Uotani, he figures, even though he really doesn't want to. The thought of having to explain all this to her right now is honestly bone-chillingly terrifying. He'll have to figure out a way to get in and out as quickly as possible.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Uotani, have you heard from Tohru yet?"

"No, not yet. I figure she's asleep, if she doesn't feel well. Why? Aren't you with her?"

He swallows hard. "Just wondering. And no, I'm at my apartment. I gotta go, though." And with that, he hangs up before she can ask any more questions. He takes a deep breath. It takes a great deal of willpower to not smash his phone onto the concrete beneath his feet. Instead, he just sinks down, back pressed against his door and knees drawn up to his chest.

"Fuck," he mumbles, shaking his head.

He tries to settle himself down a bit, enough to think things through clearly.

Where would he go right now, if he were Tohru? He comes up with nothing. He changes his approach.

There have been times when he's gone out to find Tohru before. Where did he go? Where had she been?

Once, he'd found her crumpled onto the ground on the street in front of her grandfather's house. Several times, she hadn't gone any farther than Shigure's roof. The dojo to see Rin, occasionally, though she's definitely not there right now. Sometimes just out to the closest grocery store to shop for dinner and take her mind off of things. But would she still go to any of those places?

It can't hurt to go make a trip out to all those locations, calling her along the way in hopes she'll finally answer. He pulls himself up and goes back inside. He grabs a jacket and shoves his shoes on.

"Going out?" Haru asks, looking at Kyo over his shoulder. "Did she answer?"

"No, she didn't, but—but I can't let that stop me."

"That's the spirit." Kyo might be imagining it, but he thinks Haru's voice sounds slightly less monotone than usual. "Call me if you need help."

"Thanks," he says quickly, then darts out the door and down the stairs without looking back.

There's this bridge about halfway between Shigure's house and where Tohru used to work in high school. It's over the Sumida River. It has a street going across it, of course, but there's also a nice walking path off to the side. A thick, concrete ledge separates that walking path from the empty air below the bridge and the river farther down. Though the street can get pretty busy, it's still a peaceful place to walk and look at the river. When Yuki used to pick her up from work, they'd sometimes linger here a while, just talking or goofing off before having to go home. It's nostalgic.

Tohru pauses and looks at the bridge laid out before her. Her phone rings again, and she briefly considers how much she must be worrying people; so she forces herself to take it out of her back pocket and glance at the screen. Kyo. She hurriedly hits the power button twice, sending the call to voicemail.

No no no.

Seeing his name and phone number, along with the picture she'd set for his contact profile, is just salt in the wound. She'd calmed down a bit as she walked, propriety winning even then and causing her to not want to draw too much attention from passersby. But now she can't breathe again. She takes a few weak steps forward until she's actually on the bridge's walkway, then reaches her hand out to the side and leans against the concrete lip. She wonders if Isuzu talked to Kyo. That's the only reason he'd be calling after the events of this morning.

She said too much when Isuzu called. She shouldn't even have answered the phone, but desperation had taken over briefly. She'd even had to walk off the path and find a bench so she could break down on the phone without people looking at her before wiping her eyes and continuing on her way again.

And as Kyo calls again, now, that overwhelming emotion comes back, causing her to actually almost answer the phone—Kyo is always her safe place, no matter how much she's hurting. But right now, that hurt is because of him. So instead, she shuts the phone off completely and puts it back in her pocket.

Her knees feel shaky, so she sits on the ledge, facing the inside of the bridge. She lifts a hand and rubs at her still-damp eyes, then slowly, hesitantly lowers it to rest on her stomach. She can't feel or see anything yet, of course, but she's all too aware that there's something happening inside her. The second she'd seen the positive pregnancy test this morning, she'd felt an overpowering sense of connection to her baby. She's heard of that happening—of women immediately falling into the role of mother, long before their child truly arrives. Actually feeling it for herself was incredible.

Now, all she feels is scared.

She's so terrified, it's nearly paralyzing.

Tohru feels a fresh round of tears flood her eyes and spill down onto her cheeks, and she snaps her hand away from her stomach. Her normal coping mechanism of pretending nothing is happening isn't working, and she has no idea what else to do.

She doesn't want to do this alone.

She can't do this alone.

He was everything, and now he's gone.

Tohru sniffles and presses her palms harshly into her eyes, trying to pull herself together. When she pulls her hands back, a couple is stopped a few feet away from her, eyeing her. Their faces are full of pity, the passive kind which indicates that they feel bad, but won't actually do anything about it. She forces a half-smile at them and then ducks her head. She sees their feet pass her, hears them whispering to each other as they go. Not wanting anyone else to see her like this, she shifts herself until she's facing the river with her back to the walkway, her feet dangling off the ledge. The lip is wide enough that she's not concerned about falling. She leans forward a little, though, and eyes the river below her. Even though she's still sobbing lightly and her eyes are blurry with tears, something occurs to her:

That's a long fall.

An odd urge pushes to the front of her mind for just a moment before she pushes it away. She digs her nails into her palms, incredibly frustrated with herself.

Stupid.

Tohru's heard a term for this before: the call of the void. A fleeting, destructive thought pertaining to death.

What would happen if I jumped right now?

Kyo is at his wits' end.

He's gone just about everywhere he can think of.

He went to her grandpa's house and looked around the neighborhood. He went to the stores she used to frequent when she lived at Shigure's, which he knew were a long shot to begin with. The only other place he can think of is Shigure's house, up on the roof, which is even more of a long shot, he figures.

But he has to try.

He pushes the grocery store door open and exits the building, pulling his hood up over his head as he does. It's starting to rain, and his temples are throbbing a bit. For the first time in his life, he's able to truly ignore it.

He's already wasted a lot of time on trains today as he travels all over town, and with each passing second not knowing where Tohru is, Kyo gets more and more anxious. So, since it's not particularly far, he assumes the fastest way to Shigure's from here would be to walk. He picks his speed up to a light jog as the rain increases.

When he gets to the bridge over the Sumida River, something catches his eye off to the side. He pauses at the start of the bridge and narrows his eyes, trying to figure out what exactly is sitting on the concrete lip several meters away.

A girl. Petite, with long brown hair, and her legs dangling.

He can't stop the gasping noise he makes as everything starts to click in his mind.

What the hell is she doing?

Notes:

Chapter title from "Goodnight Moon" by Go Radio

Chapter 21: someday, somewhere, I wonder if we'll be able to laugh about what we went through today

Summary:

"They stay there, just staring at the ground and letting their tears fall to mix with the rain beating down on the concrete. It feels everything like that night back in the rain, when they were standing a distance away from each other in Shigure's yard, pouring their hearts out to each other…but it also feels nothing like then, at all."

Notes:

Hi, friends! 💕Sorry this took longer than I expected. I messed up my already-bad wrist and could barely type. Feeling okay now, though. I hope you enjoy.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kyo freezes. He can't breathe, can't think other than fuck, what do I do?

He takes a deep breath. He has to do something.

He doesn't want to spook her, so it's probably best to avoid calling her name; she'd recognize that it's him immediately, and then what would she do? If he snuck up on her and just grabbed her to pull her back down, she'd probably freak out and possibly make herself go over regardless. It might be best to just start walking toward her, make his footsteps pronounced and hope she turns around to see who it is, then lets him talk. It doesn't sound fantastic, but he's not sure he has another option.

Even though he'd wondered earlier if she might try to hurt herself, he never expected to see her on the edge of a bridge.

He moves closer slowly, making sure to make his steps heavy and grind his sneakers on the concrete a bit. When he gets close enough to be noticed, Tohru turns and looks at him as he'd hoped, her eyes wide and full of tears.

"Kyo…what are you doing here?"

He doesn't answer her question, just says hesitantly, "Tohru, what are you doing?"

She just stares at him for a second, then ducks her head. "Sitting. Thinking."

"A-are you okay?" She picks her head back up at that, raising an eyebrow at him. He races to backtrack. "I mean, you just look like you're feeling even worse than before. Did something else happen?"

She hesitates for a second, then just says, "No." It sounds like she's probably lying, but he doesn't have time to try and read her that deeply right now—and he's overwhelmed, as it is. He loves this girl, thinks he would die without her, and now seeing her in this position…it's heartbreaking.

"Okay, well…do you want to come down and talk to me?"

"Not really."

Well…fair.

He grabs at the bottom of his jacket, clenches a fist around it to ground himself.

"Can I at least talk for a minute, then?" He takes her silence as permission and continues. "Listen, I—I wasn't thinking when I said all that stuff this morning. I love you. I love you so much that sometimes it scares me. I really don't know how to help you move on from the past, but…maybe I could just be by your side while you figure it out. I could support you. Either as your friend or your boyfriend. Whatever you want."

She still doesn't answer, instead just turns back around, obstructing his view of her face; she brings a hand up to her eyes, though, so he can tell that she's crying.

Like Rin pointed out earlier, he needs to say it, all of it. Before it's definitely too late this time.

"I just feel like it's all my fault. Everything," he continues. "If I hadn't handled that night the way I did, none of this would have happened, and—"

"We've talked about this. You had every right to reject me," she interjects. He tilts his head to the side, a little taken aback by her tone—livid, gravelly, but also somehow desperate. "I wasn't…entitled to a relationship with you, no matter how much I wanted it. I'm not now, either."

"But it's not like I let you down gently. And I loved you, so much. I should have been honest. At the very least, I should have fought to see you afterwards, instead of just giving in to Uotani and Hanajima, and what my family was saying. But I didn't; I let you walk away, and I'm afraid you never really forgave me for that…not even while we dated this time. And that's fair, it really is. But I'm scared that, because you never forgave me, you got into relationships with guys who didn't treat you right, and then you immediately jumped at the idea of dating me, even though I didn't treat you right, either. It was so quick, too, all of it. You let it all happen so quickly, right after sleeping with someone else. I just— I'm so afraid." He's crying now, and he's very much aware that his voice is trembling and breaking, but he can't stop it…and if he doesn't, if he lets himself sob, maybe she'll be able to tell how serious he is.

Tohru turns halfway towards him, pulling one leg up over the concrete, and his heart lurches, but she doesn't lose her balance. "Kyo…do you think you're a rebound?" she asks slowly, tone a bit incredulous.

His eyes widen.

"Well, that wasn't the point I was trying to make, but…sort of."

She sighs shakily. "Kyo, I didn't date you because I never got over Itsuki or Asahi. I got involved with them because I never got over you. I never stopped loving you. So, if anything…doesn't that make them rebounds?" At the last sentence, her voice turns small. He can tell it stings her to say that out loud. Kyo knows she doesn't like to hurt people, never wants to make them feel used, even if they never deserved her love and affection at all, to begin with.

He's quiet while he thinks that over, considers the timeline. Even though it's likely going to hurt her to agree, he can't help but see her point. "I…yeah, I guess so."

Tohru gives a single nod. She doesn't seem offended by that, like it was the answer she was expecting, almost.

"But, also," he continues, "did you? Ever really forgive me, I mean?"

"I guess not," she says after a bit. "But that's not your fault, it's mine. I'm just holding onto a grudge for no reason. I always kind of wished we'd get a second chance, though, and we did. And then that grudge ruined it." She sniffs, rubs at her eyes.

"My fear ruined it too. It wasn't all you. I've always, always hated myself. I've always thought I'm worthless. That didn't help us. That's really what made me feel like a rebound, and what made me think I can't help you with what happened in the past."

"No…" she chokes out. "I was acting like you were one. Looking at his Instagram. One night, I even told you how much I used to love him. That was awful of me. I'm awful. How could I expect you to know what to do with all that?"

"You're not awful," he says immediately, but what he really needs to say is what he adds next: "I'm so sorry."

"I am, too."

They stay there, just staring at the ground and letting their tears fall to mix with the rain beating down on the concrete. It feels everything like that night back in the rain, when they were standing a distance away from each other in Shigure's yard, pouring their hearts out to each other…but it also feels nothing like then, at all. There's at least been a bit of a resolution here, so far.

Then, Kyo asks, "How do I fix it? Can I even fix it?"

"I don't know. I don't know how I can fix it, either."

He loves her. He loves her so much, so he has to do something to show her that he's serious, that he wants to fix this. The first step would probably be…

"Do you love me?"

The answer is immediate. "Of course."

"Do—do you believe that I love you?" he asks.

Tohru hesitates, tries to clear her throat, but her voice still comes out sounding devastated. "I did until today. You just let go…so easily, like it was nothing. Even after all I did, it seemed so easy for you."

He had been a mess this morning. He had been crying harder than she was, by the time he left her apartment. But he also sees her point. He didn't try to fight for their relationship; he never really has. He never tries to fight for anything, at all.

"How can I prove it?"

She shakes her head, looking exhausted, like this is all just too much. He wants her to get down so he can walk her home and let her get some rest—the only thing scarier than Klutzy Tohru on the edge of a dropoff, is Tired Klutzy Tohru on the edge of a dropoff. "I don't know right now."

"Marry me," he blurts, then realizes that was the stupidest fucking thing he's ever said; and he's said a lot of stupid things in his life. His cheeks heat up immediately.

She stops crying almost immediately, like someone simply turned off the faucet controlling her tears, then shoots him a look that says he's going crazy. It's a look she's sent his way playfully in the past before, but this time it's serious—like she thinks he's finally really fucking lost it. "What?"

God, please don't make him repeat it.

Luckily (or unluckily, perhaps), she continues on. "I'm not going to marry you."

Again, very very fair. But also, ouch.

"Not…yet, at least," she adds. "Maybe someday."

It hurts that their conversations have so quickly gone from "of course we're going to get married and have kids" to "maybe someday." It's his fault. He knows that. He had been trying to be the mature one and messed it all up, made her think he doesn't love her enough to stand by her side while she works on her trauma.

"Kyo, I'm pregnant," she blurts.

What?

There's no way he heard that right.

"...Excuse me?"

Her eyes narrow into a glare, because she knows he heard her.

Kyo runs a hand over his face, trying to hide his flushed cheeks as he processes this new information.

They'd only used a condom that first time, and after that he'd just pulled out…which he'd heard wasn't incredibly reliable, but reliable enough. Apparently not.

Pushing all that aside, what's most important is that they're having a baby. That's the last truly coherent thought that enters his mind; everything else becomes fragmented and jumbled.

A baby. His baby. Theirs together.

Holy shit.

She's pregnant.

Wait…she's pregnant and they're having a baby and she's sitting on the edge of a bridge looking poised to kill herself.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Slowly, he takes a step forward. "Oh my god…we're having a baby."

Tohru seems a little surprised by that reaction, for some reason. "Yes?" she squeaks.

"When did you find out?" Another step forward; his knees rest against the concrete ledge now.

"This morning."

He blinks. Come to think of it…she'd been trying to tell him something this morning, hadn't she? But, of course, she gave up for the time being when he broke up with her. Which he absolutely cannot blame her for doing.

"Is that what you were trying to tell me this morning?"

She nods, trying to blink back more tears at the same time; they fall anyway.

"Shit. Tohru, I'm so sorry. That makes me an even bigger asshole than I already was."

She sniffles. "Well, it was sort of bad."

Even now, she's trying to be at least somewhat polite? He doesn't understand. He was clearly a dick this morning, in a lot of ways, and she's acknowledged tha—but making Tohru feel like she was unable to tell him news this big makes it a million times worse, and she doesn't seem to get how it's any worse, somehow.

He leans forward, then, and grabs her as quickly as possible. He lifts her from under her arms and pulls her into him, effectively getting her back onto the sidewalk. Her feet catch the concrete ledge on the way, and they both stumble back, falling into a pile on the walkway.

"Are you okay?" he asks, rubbing his forehead where they had bumped into each other.

"Mm-hmm," she replies, doing the same thing.

"Good…god, you scared me."

"Eh?" She blinks, then glances between him and the concrete lip. "Oh. Oh…I wasn't going to jump or anything."

Kyo feels his mouth drop open a bit. "What?"

"Well, I mean, I thought about it. B-but just for a second!"

"Then what the hell were you doing?"

"Sitting," she says simply, like it explains everything. In reality, it explains nothing at all. But he's not going to press that, at the moment.

"You're such a weirdo."

She smiles a little. Before he can think better of it, he reaches up and wipes the remaining tears from her cheeks. She blushes at the contact, and it hits him again that, even if they get back together at some point, they'll be starting completely from scratch in some ways. It stings. It makes sense, but it stings nonetheless.

Tohru stands up and offers him a hand. He takes it, and together they tug him back up onto his feet.

They look at each other, and then Kyo laughs. She raises an eyebrow, cheeks reddening again, though this time she looks a little more offended instead of embarrassed.

"What's so funny?" she asks softly.

"Nothing, nothing," he assures her. "Just…god, we're having a baby. A baby, Tohru. I'm so happy."

"You're…happy?" she repeats.

"Of course."

"But what if—what if things never work out between you and me?"

"Well, I—that would make me sad. Really sad. But no matter what, I'm here for this, Tohru. I'm not going to leave you alone to raise our kid."

Her eyes widen a bit, and then suddenly she's clinging to him and sobbing into his chest. He frowns as he wraps his arms around her, pulling her in tighter.

"Hey, hey," he coos, "What is it?"

"I—" Tohru chokes out. "After this morning, I was afraid you'd—you'd think it isn't yours."

"What?" That thought hadn't occurred to him, not even for just a second. Though he could definitely see why she was worried about it, after all he said. "No, Tohru…I'd never think that you cheated on me. You wouldn't do that."

She looks up at him and shakes her head, eyes and voice desperate. "Of course not!"

"I know," he assures her. He watches as she wipes at her cheeks. "Hey, we should get you out of the rain. The last thing you need right now is a cold." He pauses, hesitates. This is going to sound weird. "Wanna…go back to your place?"

She raises an eyebrow, even as she's still crying and sniffing. "Not like that," he says quickly. "I just—I'm kinda afraid to leave you alone right now. I'll sleep on the couch. Just… please let me stay."

She's quiet for a second, but she seems to get his point. "Okay," she says quietly.

He releases her from his grip and slides his hand down her arm to her own, then clutches onto it. He knows it's ridiculous, but part of him feels like, if he lets go, she'll disappear. They'll both disappear.

"And please, for the love of god, call Rin and Uotani. I'm sure they're about ready to kill me by now."

Tohru actually laughs a little at that. "Knowing them, that makes sense."

And then they start moving forward.

HIVUEHWVIJ

It feels weird and unnatural, all of it—the way Kyo sits down on the couch, leg bouncing up and down anxiously, while Tohru goes to get pajamas on; closing the door behind her while she changes; seeing his clothes when she opens her dresser drawer, knowing that they don't belong there anymore…at least not right now.

Once she's in comfier clothes, ones not soaked and dripping rainwater onto her carpet, she sits down on the bed and calls Isuzu.

"Tohru? Are you okay? Where are you?" she says, clearly panicked, by way of greeting.

Tohru rubs at her eyes, still blurry with leftover tears as she answers, "I'm home. I'm okay."

Isuzu is quiet for a second before sighing and asking, "Did Kyo…?"

"Yes, he—he came and got me."

"Was he an idiot?"

Tohru laughs a little. "No, he was very kind."

"Good. Are you okay at your place? You can come spend the night here, if you want."

"That's sweet of you, but I think I'll stay here. I sort of want to be in my own bed."

"I get it. Oh, and Tohru? I didn't say this before, but…congratulations. You're gonna be an amazing mom."

Tohru's eyes get misty yet again, but for an entirely different reason this time. Maybe she can start to get excited, now that she knows Kyo will be involved. "Thank you so much, Isuzu-san."

"Ugh, that wasn't meant to make you cry," she complains, but her tone is fond. "I'll talk to you later. Call me tomorrow?"

"Of course."

When she hangs up, she sends Uo-chan a text apologizing for earlier and letting her know that everything's okay, and finishes it off with a promise to call tomorrow. As much as she loves and adores her friend, she's too tired to deal with Hurricane Arisa right now.

So she takes a deep breath in an attempt to settle herself more, then heads out into the living room. Kyo's on the couch in the same position as before, leg still twitching, but now he's on the phone with someone. She moves into the kitchen to get water, trying to be quiet for him. She hears him call whoever is on the other side of the line a "fucking idiot" and then hang up. She can't help but laugh a little at that as she returns to the living room with two water bottles. She holds one out to him.

"Oh, thanks."

"Mm-hmm. Do you mind if I ask who you were talking to?" It's none of her business. They're nothing but friends and future co-parents right now. She knows that. But her curiosity still gets the better of her.

Kyo sips at his water, then nods. "Haru. He's spending the night at my apartment."

"Eh? Why?"

"Long story short, Rin kicked him out for the night."

Tohru's eyes widen. "What? H-how did that happen?!"

Kyo shakes his head a little. "Too much to talk about now. But they'll be fine in the morning."

"Okay…"

"So," Kyo starts, averting his gaze away from her face. His cheeks are red. She's not sure what could possibly be embarrassing him right now, after everything they've been through today. "How are you feeling?"

That's all?

"Mm…worn out. Still a little sad."
He nods in understanding. "What about, like, physically?"

She blinks. "Oh. I, uh—threw up this morning, and my stomach still feels weird now. But other than that, no pregnancy symptoms or anything."

Kyo nods again, humming in thought. "Did you call the doctor?"

"No…today was kind of crazy."

His cheeks redden again, and he quickly looks away. "Shit, yeah. Sorry."

She shakes her head and sits down next to him, making sure to keep a good amount of space between them as she does so. "It's okay. It's the weekend anyway. It'll have to wait until Monday."

"One more full day…" he mumbles absentmindedly. Then he turns back to her, the look on his face so earnest and adorable that it makes her want to kiss him. She bites her lip, hard, to get rid of that urge; it wouldn't be good for either of them right now. "What do you need until then?" he asks. She doesn't answer immediately, so he continues, "Snacks? Those vitamin things? I can go to the store. I'll go right now."

Tohru's breath catches, and she feels shame take over her body. She can barely think, other than to feel so guilty that she ever even considered he wouldn't be involved somehow. That's not Kyo. No matter how mad at her, or how sad he may be, he'd never leave her or their child alone.

"Don't cry…" he says softly. She hadn't realized she was. He reaches out and wipes her cheeks with his sleeve.

"It's late," she chokes out. "I'll be fine until tomorrow. We can go in the morning."

"Okay. If you're sure."

"Mm-hmm. We should try to get some sleep, then."

"Yeah. Uh—I'll just be right here if you need me. Wake me up anytime, okay? Anytime. I mean it, Tohru."

She nods, stands up, and tries to say goodnight, but she chokes on the word, nothing but a soft squeak coming out. She has something she wants to ask, and it's something she most definitely shouldn't ask.

She's pathetic. So pathetic.

"What's up?" Kyo asks, effectively taking her one chance to backtrack.

"Oh, uh…I was wondering…"

She clams up again, so he jumps in for her. "What do you need? Just tell me."

Tohru sighs, digs her nails into her palms. He's going to feel obligated to say yes.

"I was wondering, uh—if you would just come sleep with me."

Kyo tries to keep his face straight, but Tohru sees what's behind his efforts—surprise, uncertainty, sadness sadness sadness.

"Please, don't feel obligated!" she rushes to add. "You've done more than en—"

"Yes," he interjects quietly. "Of course."

"Oh," Tohru mumbles dumbly, not sure what to make of that answer even though she was the one who posed the question. Kyo stands and follows her into the bedroom. He lies on his usual side, closest to the door, and Tohru crawls in next to him. It's familiar and it's warm, but her heart is also utterly frozen, somehow.

Kyo rolls onto his side to face her. "Don't wanna sleep alone?" he asks softly. "I don't blame you."

That's part of it, sure. But she wouldn't have asked just anyone to come in here with her, and he knows that.

"I…didn't want to, either, to be honest," he continues.

Tohru doesn't answer. She doesn't know how, and maybe she doesn't really need to, either.

She just closes her eyes. Her head hurts from all the crying she's done today. Her stomach is still churning.

Her heart is still breaking.

But vague images are also appearing behind her eyelids, now, too: a small boy with orange hair, clinging to her, practicing little punches with Kyo, smiling up at them both with missing front teeth and Tohru's big brown eyes. It makes her think she might cry again.

"Tohru?"

She clears her throat. "Mm?" she asks, not opening her eyes.

"Can I…?" He sighs, gives up, and then just does it—he reaches out, finds the bottom of her pajama shirt, and slips his fingers upward. Tohru's eyes fly wide open at the contact, and she looks at him, completely and totally confused. But then his fingers come to a stop on her stomach, and he flattens his palm. The heat she felt from adrenaline fades, replaced by a comfortable, glowing warmth at the gentleness of his touch against where their still-tiny baby sits.

Hesitantly, Tohru lifts a hand of her own, moves aside her shirt, then presses her palm against the back of his hand. He's shaking a little bit; she frowns at that, then squeezes his hand.

She knows what he's feeling. She's feeling it, too.

But they're here, together, so at least they don't have to feel it alone.

Tohru can't really see his face in the dark, but his uneven breathing tells her he's crying. The crack in his voice when he speaks only confirms that suspicion. "Hey, uh—would you maybe consider going to therapy? I think I want to. We can go separately, or together, or whatever you want. I just…I think we both have a lot of work to do." He rubs his thumb in idle circles against her stomach. "For us. And for them."

Tohru can't take it anymore. She scoots closer to him, buries her face against his chest. He doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her in return. He pulls her close, and they cry together for a hundred different reasons neither of them can truly explain.

"When did you get so grown up?" Tohru chokes out through her tears, trying to lighten the mood a little bit.

Kyo sniffles, laughs a little. "Today. I don't really have a choice anymore."

She chuckles back, and he lowers his head, pressing their foreheads together.

"It's okay," he tells her. "I'm here. I love them, and I love you."

"We love you too," she whispers.

And that's that.

Notes:

Chapter title from "ドライフラワー" (Dried Flowers) by Yuuri. Not a really Kyoru song at all, not even in the context of this story...but it's my favorite song and this line kills me every time, and I think it works here.

Chapter 22: I’m twisting my words to appear like this doesn’t burn

Summary:

"She's spent a good portion of her life being in love with Kyo Sohma; she doesn't even know who she is without that. And when someone you're so desperately in love with kisses you, you kiss back, even if you're not really supposed to."

Notes:

Chapter title from "Toothpick" by Stand Atlantic
(Please read my mini rant at the end, ily all)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

When Tohru calls the doctor on Monday, she's told to wait about four more weeks before coming in. Even though Kyo's a bit bummed about the wait, and he can tell Tohru is too, they both know they have to take advantage of that time.

They buy Tohru all the vitamins she'll need. They open a joint savings account to be used specifically for baby-related purchases. They find a therapist. That was the hardest, but perhaps most important, step of all. Kyo wants to go. He suggested it, after all. But he also has a very…delicate history. He can't just go around telling everyone about the trauma he grew up with because a lot of it involved changing into an animal, something normal people obviously don't do.

Before the first appointment, he and Tohru sit down at her kitchen table and make a game plan—what parts of their history together they can talk about, and what they can't, ways to get around the whole zodiac curse thing while still getting down to the root of the issues. It's not easy, and it's not fun.

But when they walk to the office together, and sit down on that couch, and start to pour their hearts out to the strange lady sitting across from them with a clipboard balanced on her lap, they find it's already so worth it.

Things can only get better from here, Kyo figures.

They each go to two appointments per week, one individually and one together. Even with Japan's national healthcare, mental health treatment is on the expensive side, and getting a bill each week is nearly painful. Master saw them stressing over one at work one day and offered to pay for any upcoming appointments.

At first, they adamantly declined his offer, saying it was too much. But Kazuma had just pulled them into his arms. "I love the three of you so very much," he'd reminded them.

Tohru burst into tears at that, of course, and Kyo had to admit he had been misty-eyed, himself.

Every Thursday, both of them have had their individual sessions, and they sit down to debrief each other before their joint session on Fridays. It's become a routine, one that they both find effectiveness in. Tonight, Kyo talks to Tohru while he makes dinner and she lies on the couch.

"So," he says, stirring the curry in front of him, "She said that I should really try to keep a journal. So like, when a bad memory or whatever comes up, I write about it. I've never been a huge fan of that stuff, but she said it'll help my brain slow down to process the memories better. Did she mention anything like that to you?" He doesn't get a response, so he asks, "Tohru?" Nothing. Concerned, he turns the heat on the stove off and heads into the living area.

Tohru is sitting up, back propped against the back of the couch, her head tilted back at an odd angle as she dozes. He chuckles and puts a hand behind her head, pulling it forward so she doesn't hurt her neck, then repositions her so that she's fully lying down on the sofa.

"Mm?" she mumbles, eyes fluttering open. "Oh my gosh! Did I fall asleep?! I'm so sorry, Kyo-kun, what were you saying?" She makes to sit up, but he puts a hand on her shoulder, keeping her down.

"It's okay," he assures her. "You tired?"

She nods, then puts a hand over her mouth in an attempt to stifle a yawn. "I don't know why, though. I didn't do much today."

He scoffs. "You went to work, then therapy, and you're growing another person."

She pulls her legs up. Kyo hesitates, then sits, and she lays them across his lap once he's settled. "It was only a half day at work. And I'm only about eight weeks along," she protests.

Kyo squeezes her knee, the bare skin almost burning his fingers to ashes, and shakes his head. "Shuddup," he says fondly. "You're a superhero."

Her cheeks flush. She picks up the hand that isn't on her knee, and presses a kiss to his knuckles.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself. He's okay with the situation between him and Tohru, he really is (even though he's also still madly in love with her, and doubts that will ever change). He's more than willing to wait, work on things, and hope that it turns back into something more later. He doesn't want to rush and fuck tings up again—this woman sitting next to him…he wants to eventually marry her, have more kids with her, grow old with her, and he's not willing to risk it. But despite him knowing all this, it still stings a little bit every time she touches him, especially when it's to do something like that. He doesn't know where the boundary lies with her, and that always makes him feel like he's unintentionally a little bit out of court. He pulls his hand back slowly, trying to be subtle in hopes she won't notice; and if she does, she doesn't say anything.

"Do you wanna talk about this stuff later?" he asks. "You can just eat and then go to bed."

"No, I really want to talk," she insists, then cringes. He tilts his head in confusion. "And…food doesn't sound too good right now. I'm so sorry, you cooked for me and everything."

"Like it's a problem. I'll just put it in the fridge and you can have it later. Do you want some toast, though? You should try to eat something, and that should be easy on your stomach."

She sighs, but nods in relent. He squeezes her knee again and gently slips out from under her legs. Once he's in the kitchen and two pieces of bread are in the toaster, he leans back against the counter. "Did you hear me talking about the therapist's journal idea?"

"Ah, uh…a little bit. I think she recommended the same thing to me. I'm not much of a writer, though."

He shrugs. "I guess it doesn't have to be good. No one else is ever gonna see it."

"Mm…"

Kyo inhales, holds the breath. He feels itchy, and he doesn't like it. So, he does what he seems to be best at when it comes to Tohru: teases her. "And besides, Tohru Honda," he says mischievously, "with the rose-colored glasses you always have on, you can't tell me you've never wanted to try being an artist in at least some way."

Tohru snorts and looks over at him, watching as he digs around in her fridge for jelly. "I used to want to paint, but we both know I'm not coordinated enough for that. And besides, journaling isn't art."

He shrugs. The toast pops up, and he grabs it immediately, then curses under his breath at how hot it is. "Writing is art," he points out.

She chuckles. "You were always fond of reading."

"Hey, it's relaxing."

"And you're a nerd."

"Hey—well, that too, I guess."

She raises an eyebrow. "Oh, so you admit it now? I remember you threatening to punch anyone who said it back in school."

"Eh…it's more like I just stopped denying it at some point. I still don't necessarily accept it."

"There's nothing wrong with being a nerd," Tohru shoots back, smiling fondly. Kyo just grumbles again, then brings her toast over. "Thank you, Kyo-kun."

"Mm-hmm." He sits on the arm of the couch and watches her.

"It's so good!" Tohru gushes, putting a palm over her full mouth. "Do you want a bite?"

Kyo laughs. "I'm okay. I'll just believe you. Besides, it's kind of hard to fuck up toast." She rolls her eyes in response.

He smiles a little, then looks away, toward the TV that's been on since they came home. They have it muted, and he has no idea what's going on in this random show, but having something to look at that isn't Tohru is a little comforting right now.

"So…the appointment is on Monday."

That seems to perk sleepy-Tohru up a little more. "Mm-hmm!"

"You excited?"

"Yes, but—well, also sort of nervous."

He glances over at her. "Why?"

"Well, what if something's, you know…wrong?"

Kyo feels like an idiot, then—he hadn't even considered that up until now. The only thing he's been vaguely worrying about is the possibility of the curse coming back, but they wouldn't be able to know that until the baby is born. He hadn't thought about the possibility that there could be other health issues.

"Everything's gonna be fine," he says immediately. He's aware that his voice has turned a little chilly, but he can't help it. He can't be sure their baby is healthy, of course, but it's what they both need to hear.

"But—"

He cuts her off. "And on the off chance that something is wrong, we'll deal with it together."

Tohru just nods a bit. "Mm."

They're both young and healthy. The only thing he could see really going wrong is the fucking curse coming back, and that's unlikely as it is. The other night, in bed, Tohru had asked him if he was worried about the curse.

"Well, yeah, a little…I guess," he'd said back.

Tohru had sprung up into a sitting position, then, startling him to the point of almost falling out of bed. "That won't happen, Kyo-kun, but if it does, I want it to be a boy," she'd said simply. Resolutely. It was final, no doubt in her mind.

Kyo knows that Tohru Honda is strong, the most resilient person she's ever met. But could she really handle that? Just how strong is she? Everyone has a breaking point, or two, or three. Her child surely has to be one of them.

"Just…try to relax," he says, gentler now. "Try to think about the positive. On Monday, we'll get to see the baby, right? And get those picture things?"

"I don't really know how it works," she laughs lightly. "I've…never done this before."

"Mm, you don't say? What a coincidence—neither have I," he drawls. She nudges his knee with her foot playfully.

This part of the conversation makes him realize, for not the first time, just how young they both are. They don't even know what to expect at a doctor's appointment. In the grand scheme of things, aren't they really just babies, themselves?

He shakes his head to clear that thought away. No sense in dwelling on it. And besides, he is ridiculously excited to be a dad, no matter how young he may be.

"I've got your back," he adds.

"I know," she says. "And I have yours."

Tohru's exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She can't stay awake during the day, yet can't sleep at night, she can barely eat—all she does is work, go to therapy, and worry…while snacking on crackers the whole time to try and keep the morning sickness at bay.

Kyo is by her side all the time, even coming back into her little office to check on her multiple times a day at work. Having him being so doting is precious, and she's grateful. But, she also feels like they've made no progress on their relationship in a lot of ways.

Despite going to therapy twice a week, coordinating what the therapist calls "homework," and debriefing every session together, nothing much has changed between them. Tohru knows it's stupid to think that things could go back to normal in just four weeks. But also, everything between her and Kyo has always been hot and passionate—nothing in their romantic history has ever been anything but impulsive. So part of her has been hoping that they would have at least made some progress by this point, no matter how naïve of a hope that might be.

So she tries, in small ways. Tests the water. She kisses his wrist or knuckles, holds onto his hand just a bit longer than necessary at times, sleeps with their shoulders touching. She sees how stiff he gets each time she initiates contact. She feels stupid and petty for even trying, but still does it every once in a while, hoping that someday soon he won't act like he's destroyed by her touch. He touches her sometimes, himself (nothing beyond friendly), but when she starts it, it's like his mind short-circuits.

There's really nothing she can do but try, she supposes. Until she gets shut down for good and has to respect his decision. And she will absolutely respect his decision.

She folds her arms on her desk, then leans her head on them, letting out a sigh. She's so impatient. Logically, she knows the sense of unrest, along with the lack of focus, she feels is likely hormonal.

And…also the fatigue that keeps knocking her down.

She's woken up by a familiar voice. "Tohru. Tohru."

Tohru sits up in a rush and looks at the clock on her computer. She'd slept for half an hour, at work? How awful of her, truly unacceptable. She looks to the figure in the doorway with flushed cheeks.

"I'm so sorry!" she blurts.

Kyo shakes his head. "Don't worry about it. Are you okay, though?"

"Mm-hmm," she mumbles, still embarrassed despite his reassurance.

"Well, we've gotta go. Time for the appointment."

She notices, then, that he's already in his street clothes and holding his sneakers. He must have been waiting for her in the genkan. That makes this whole situation even worse.

She stands up, grabs her bag and her jacket, and rushes out of the room behind him. "Are we going to be late?"

"Nah, I don't think so."

"I'm sorry," she says again.

"Tohru, you're fine," he says again. "I get it. Master gets it. You couldn't have been asleep for too long, anyway. I just came and talked to you like, 45 minutes ago."

"Wait, wait," he adds as she stands on one leg to slip a shoe on. He rushes to her side to grab her hands. Her heartbeat goes sporadic, even though it's nothing special, as per usual; just a platonic, polite touch to make sure she doesn't fall. He effectively steadies her as she gets her shoes on, then shoves his feet into his own as quickly as possible before they rush out the door.

"Are you still tired?" Kyo asks as they speed walk toward the bus stop they need.

"I'm always tired now," she points out.

"Well, yeah, but—I mean, like, do you need me to carry you the rest of the way to the bus stop or something?"

Tohru feels her cheeks redden again. "Kyo-kun," she groans, the embarrassment she's battling with accidentally seeping out through her voice. "I can walk…"

"Sorry, sorry," he says, glancing at her over his shoulder as he keeps moving—his legs are too long for her to keep up when he's not focusing on maintaining a more manageable rate for her. "I just don't know what I can do to help."

"If I need help with something, I'll tell you," she promises.

He makes a noncommittal noise. "When have you ever told someone when you need help?"

"I ask you for help all the time now," she reminds him. "Just last night you went to the convenience store at 1AM because I wanted one of those awful Hostess cupcakes, remember?" She smiles sweetly.

He laughs and turns back around. "Yeah, sure. We can count that, I guess."

They make the bus they need with just seconds to spare. It's pretty full, so they end up standing, hanging onto the handrails near the window. Kyo gently pushes her until her back is against the wall of the bus, using his body to cage her away from the area in which people often bump into each other. As he does so, they get looks from a few people, but Tohru tries to ignore them, opting to stare straight ahead at his collar bone, instead. They're quiet, but as their stop draws nearer, Tohru feels anxiety well up in her throat again.

"Kyo-kun…" she whispers. "I'm—"

"Mm?" he asks, leaning his head down closer to hers. "I can barely hear you."

She takes a deep breath and tries to speak a little louder. "I'm scared."

Kyo narrows his eyes in concern. The bus goes over a bump, and he lurches forward with it, barely catching himself with a hand on Tohru's waist. "Shit, sorry. That's exactly what I was trying to avoid by shoving you back here," he mumbles. She doesn't really mind, but she won't say that, of course.

Getting back on topic, he asks, "Are you still worried that something might be wrong with the baby?"

"Yeah, a little," she squeaks.

"What does your gut say?"

Tohru blinks. "...Eh?"

Kyo's cheeks burn at the realization that she doesn't quite know what he's getting at. He looks away as he tries to explain. "Do you have a gut feeling? Like a strong instinct that something is actually wrong?"

"O-oh. Uh," she stammers. She's never been great at listening to her instincts. She's found that she's often fueled by anxiety or depression, and that her instincts therefore aren't very reliable. But, as she quiets her mind and focuses all her energy on her body, now, she honestly doesn't feel anything wrong. The longer she thinks about it, the more her worry dissipates.

"No," she says finally.

"Then we're good," Kyo says simply. Tohru stares at him, not sure of what to say. He knows exactly how to calm her down; always has, really, but it's been even more evident since they found out she's pregnant.

He's amazing.

He's going to be such a good dad.

The next thing she knows, he's tapping his knuckles against her head as the bus comes to a stop. "This is us, Space Cadet." She smiles a little and follows him.

As he usually seems to be, he was right and they were exactly on time to the doctor's office. They get called back almost immediately. The nurse with them gestures to the examination table surrounded by ultrasound equipment. "Honda-san, this is your spot," she says. "And…is this your husband?"

Kyo and Tohru are both quiet for a second before Tohru just blurts "Yes" to make things simpler. She doesn't have the emotional energy to deal with the questions that would have accompanied the actual truth. Kyo doesn't protest, just silently sits on the plastic chair the nurse points him towards.

"Honda-san, go ahead and get undressed from the waist down, please. I'll be right back to start the sonogram."

"Undressed?" Tohru repeats slowly. This already isn't like anything she's seen on TV, which is all she's had to prepare herself, really; she doesn't have her mom to talk to, after all. Everything she's seen has involved the pregnant woman pulling up their shirt a bit, getting this weird gel squeezed onto their stomach, and then crying tears of joy as they stare at their baby on the screen.

"Mm-hmm," the nurse confirms. She lays out a blanket for Tohru to cover herself with. "This early on, we do ultrasounds internally to make sure we can see everything properly. I'll be back."

Once the door is shut, Tohru slides off the table and glances at Kyo. He has a grimace on his face, but he tries to hide it as soon as he meets her eyes. She understands—this doesn't sound like it's going to be particularly comfortable for her…but then again, birth won't be either, so she may as well get used to discomfort and awkward situations now, she supposes. She looks away and reaches for the zipper of her skirt.

His eyes follow her hand, then he jumps up out of his chair. "O-oh, I can—"

Tohru shakes her head. "It's not like you haven't seen me naked before…and you definitely will again," she mumbles. "W-when the baby is born!" she rushes to explain. "If you even want to be there, I mean. It was rude of me to assume…"

Kyo sits back down, eyes trained on the tile floor. When he speaks, he sounds just a little sad, Tohru thinks. "Yeah, I guess you're right…and of course I'm going to be there when the baby is born. You think I'd miss that? Leave you alone for that?"

"I—no, you would never," she says quickly, trying to reassure him. But she knows that's hard to do when she can't really touch him, can't kiss him, or tell him she loves him. So she just says quietly, "I'm sorry."

He shakes his head in return. "It's okay."

Tohru bites her lip as she climbs back onto the table and drapes the blanket across her lap. Great. Things were going pretty well, until she'd started babbling incoherently and offended him.

Before she can dwell on it too much, though, the nurse knocks on the door and peeks her head in. "Are we ready?"

"Yes," they say in unison, but Tohru can hear it and feel it—the mood has been dampened a little bit. Her slipup apparently had more of an effect on him than she'd realized.

She feels guilty. So guilty. This is their first time seeing the baby, and she's just being an idiot.

But when everything's set up, and they see that little wiggling blob on the screen, everything changes.

"Kyo-kun," Tohru whispers, absolutely mystified. When he doesn't respond, she looks over to him. He's crying. He's got his head ducked in an attempt to hide it, but she knows him too well for that to work. She reaches out to touch his face, then thinks better of it and snaps her hand back. "Hey, it…it looks like a gummy bear," she blurts.

Kyo sniffles a little bit, then looks up at her. His cheeks are damp, just like she'd suspected. "What?" he asks, a wet-sounding laugh sneaking into his voice.

Tohru laughs, too. "Look. It's all squishy."

He laughs again, more happily this time. "You're such a dork. Only you would call our baby a gummy bear."

Tohru giggles again, but it quickly dissolves into sobs and tears.

Our baby.

"T-Tohru?" Kyo asks nervously. "Are you okay? What's wrong, what happened?"

"Nothing," she chokes out. She's not sure if she should say what she's thinking and feeling, not even sure if she's capable. So she goes with a simplified version of the truth: "I'm just so happy."

"So sweet," the nurse coos from next to Tohru. "Well, you're about to be even happier. Your baby looks very healthy so far, and you're about nine weeks along. In three weeks, we'll have you come back to get scanned again and meet your doctor, but until then, just take it easy. Try peppermints for morning sickness, and make sure to take your vitamins and eat well. Being tired this early on is very common, so try and cut back on your activity level if you can. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions." She hands Tohru a cloth to clean up with, shoves a stack of papers and sonogram pictures in Kyo's direction, then smiles at them before heading to the door. "Congratulations, mom and dad!"

Tohru wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, then shifts her focus to the mess she feels between her legs, rubbing the cloth against her thighs to clear it.

"Tohru," Kyo whispers next to her.

"Yes, Kyo-kun?" She picks her head up and glances in his direction. Before she can really even comprehend what's happening, his hands are on her face and his lips are pressed to hers.

It confuses her, absolutely floors her.

But it also feels so right. She kisses him back deeply, simply because she can't help it. She's spent a good portion of her life being in love with Kyo Sohma; she doesn't even know who she is without that. And when someone you're so desperately in love with kisses you, you kiss back, even if you're not really supposed to.

After a few seconds, though, he pulls back quickly, the motion jerky as though he'd been stabbed. "Sorry. Fuck, sorry," he mumbles, scratching at the back of his head nervously. "Ready to get dressed and go?"

"Oh, uh. Yes." Tohru takes the hand he offers her and slides off the table.

Are they…really not going to talk about that?

They don't talk on the train. They don't talk on the walk from the station back to Tohru's apartment. Kyo tries to ignore it once they get inside, too—he lines his shoes up by the door and goes to the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, "What do you feel like eating?". Tohru can tell by his tone that he's trying to sound casual, but he's actually crumbling to pieces inside.

She doesn't know what to do about it.

"I'm not hungry," she says back, leaning against the table in the kitchen as she watches him rifle around in the fridge. "You can just make something for yourself."

"You gotta eat, Tohru."

Usually, Kyo trying to take care of her makes her heart warm. Right now, it just rubs her the wrong way. "I'm fine, Kyo-kun."

He has to stop doing this.

She can't take it.

He can't be comforting her on the train and then kissing her heatedly in the doctor's office one minute, and then go back to being distant and acting like nothing but a caretaker the next. He'd never even been this bad before. Usually he's at least somewhat friendly.

It's breaking her heart.

It's shattering her.

At the snippiness in her voice, Kyo looks up at her. She crosses her arms over her chest, her stubborn side rearing its head. He notices her change of demeanor and straightens up, shutting the fridge. They stare at each other for a few long moments. He's waiting for her to say something, she knows, but she's not going to budge. He's the one who needs to talk.

He clears his throat, then asks hesitantly, "...What's up?"

"I don't know. What's up?"

He raises an eyebrow, then sighs. "I should have known you wouldn't just let that go…" he mumbles.
"Well why should I?!" she snaps.

"I know. I'm sorry," he chokes out. He squeezes his eyes shut against tears, but they slip out anyway.

Tohru wants to hug him. Tohru wants to kick him out.

She keeps her feet planted in place instead of acting on either of those impulses.

Kyo takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I shouldn't have kissed you today. I just…" He pauses, gestures vaguely. "It was so much."

She chews at her lower lip, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her gut. "It was very emotional in there," she agrees.

He nods. "Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened."

She bites her lip harder, then clamps her own eyes shut. She can't look at him when she says the words that are resting heavy and bitter on her tongue. "Kyo…I can't do this anymore. I have to know. Do you…is there any chance of us getting back together?"

Kyo's quiet for a bit, then she hears him crossing the room, stopping directly in front of her. He reaches up and touches her lips. She can't help but gasp a little at the surprising sensation. "Knock it off. You're gonna make yourself bleed," he murmurs; once she lets go of her lip, he continues, "I saw that baby on the screen, and all I could think was…oh my god, we did that. That's half me and half Tohru."

"So…the kiss was all about the baby?" she asks shakily, eyes still closed.

"You didn't let me finish. That's half me and half the person I'm in love with."

Tohru can't quite describe the emotion she feels in that moment. Relief, happiness, love, love, love.

She lets out a hiccuping sob and opens her eyes. She meets Kyo's gaze, damp brown eyes locking with damp orange ones.

"You're in love with me?" she squeaks, and Kyo smiles a little.

"I never fell out of love with you, and I'm never going to. Do you really think I'd be going to couple's therapy with you if I didn't want to work things out?"

Tohru's cheeks flush at that. "Oh, uh…I guess not. B-but you've been so distant. And then…you kissed me and you were trying to just pretend it didn't happen."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just—I didn't want to seem too eager, or like I was trying to move too quickly again. It's only been four weeks since we broke up. I didn't want to move too fast and overwhelm you…or myself. So I shouldn't have just grabbed you and kissed you out of nowhere today. I should have talked to you first, but, well…you know I've never been much good at that." Tohru laughs a bit, and that makes Kyo smile more widely. "Can I hug you?" he adds.

Tohru hesitates, then nods. He wraps her up in his arms, pulling her head into his chest and nuzzling his nose against her hair. She grips onto the back of his shirt with tight fists and lets him cuddle her.

"So…I'm sorry. Are you okay?" he whispers. She nods. "Good."

"I think I want to just go lie down for a bit, though, if that's okay."

Even though he sounds a little disappointed, he releases her and nods. "Of course. I can cook something for later."

She shakes her head. Impulsivity flares as he stares at her in confusion. She doesn't want to be alone right now, and she's pretty sure he doesn't either.

"Actually…can we cook later? Would you come hold me?"

His eyes widen a little bit.

Tohru knows that what she's asking for is much different than what they've been doing lately. It goes beyond sleeping in the same bed, Kyo desperately trying to stick to his own territory.

"Yeah," he says finally. She reaches out his hand, and he takes it and follows her.

Half an hour later, Kyo's not sure how they've ended up here—Tohru half naked and shuddering under him as he presses her to the mattress and sucks at the top of her breast in a desperate, purely instinctual desire to leave a mark. She whimpers lightly, and he opens his eyes halfway, looking down at the milky skin of her chest, pristine except for one purple mark over her heart. Mission accomplished. But then, as the adrenaline in his veins starts to clear a little bit, he realizes what exactly it is he's looking at—Tohru's bare breasts. He hurries to sit back on his heels, covering his eyes with his palms.

Tohru takes a few deep breaths, and then he feels her shift until she's sitting up. She lays her cool hand on his flaming hot cheek. "What's wrong?" she asks, voice breathy.

"Tohru," he mumbles. He pulls his hands back and looks at her, trying to ignore her ruddy cheeks and raw, swollen lips. "We shouldn't be doing this."

"Do you not want to?"

He groans a bit. He's never been a good liar, especially not with her. And even if he decides to try, the obvious tent in his jeans would give him away.

"Shouldn't we just stay friends for a while? I know I sort of broke that rule earlier, but—but this is definitely not something friends do."

Tohru sighs and averts her gaze. "That's true," she says.

He nods once and starts to scoot off her before she wraps her thin arms around his neck, drawing him back in close. He can't help but moan and let his eyes fall shut as she drags her tongue down the side of his throat.

"But also…" she chokes out against his shoulder, "were we ever really meant to be anything less than this, Kyo-kun?"

Fuck.

No, they weren't. He knows that. Kyo doesn't quite believe in fate or soulmates or anything like that, but he knows that something had to have been organized somewhere in order to bring him and Tohru together. He's never had simply platonic feelings about her, and has never had any choice in the matter.

He gives up.

He pushes her back down onto the bed and crawls on top of her as she wraps her legs around his waist.

Notes:

Hello, friends, I am frustrated. 😂 This was only supposed to be 24 chapters long, but then the characters did that thing where they took over and I just had to watch my fingers type shit. So this is back to an undetermined amount of chapters while I rewrite because these two can't keep their hands off each other. I didn't want any of this *gestures vaguely.* I hope you stick around with me just a bit longer, though. 💕

Chapter 23: There's some things that need to be said; it's all I can hear, and it's more than I can bear

Summary:

"Tohru has always had a grip on him, always been all over him, but when did she become such an integral part of even his workplace? She's everywhere."

Notes:

hello, so um *coughs* I'll prepare you now...this is bad. I wanted things to get better this chapter but nope, it wasn't happening. I have the next one outlined though, so I give you a 100% money-back guarantee that next time will be 1000x better.
TLDR: pain this chapter, better next, this story has really gotten away from me, i'm sorry

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

When Kyo wakes up the next morning, Tohru is curled up against his chest. He blinks against the early morning sunlight and, still half asleep, pulls her closer. It's then that he notices she's shaking. He frowns at the realization. He pulls back enough to look her over—she doesn't seem hurt anywhere, aside from being painted red-purple in a few places across her chest. She doesn't feel cold, either. In case she's starting to get sick, he errs on the side of caution and wraps the comforter tighter around her naked form, then slips out of bed to go make tea.

When he comes back a few minutes later, two cups in hand, he startles when he sees Tohru up and sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling a blouse onto her shoulders. Her eyes are a little dull, face solemn. He should talk to her, right? They should discuss what happened, how they're feeling about it. Although he's never been too great at it, talking is supposed to be good and important.

He tries to force out a natural-sounding greeting before getting to the point. "Oh, you're up. Good—"

"Kyo-kun," she says quietly. He stops talking immediately. It's not like Tohru to interrupt, so she must have something she really needs to say. He'll let her; it buys him some more time to think. "We don't, uh. We don't have to talk about last night yet, okay? Later, please."

"Um," he mumbles, then trails off. What is he supposed to say to that? He can't very well protest when he'd tried to ignore her after kissing her yesterday, he supposes…so he'll have to wait for her to come to him. He guesses. Maybe. Probably.

She doesn't say anything else, and neither does he. She just keeps her eyes absently trained on the carpet, and he watches as she buttons up her blouse, slowly covering the only remaining evidence of what happened last night.

Kyo feels something negative bubble up in his chest. He quickly identifies it as frustration, and decides to leave the situation before he says anything he'll regret later.

"Tea," he says simply, laying the cups on the nightstand next to her.

"Oh, thank—"

But before she can finish, he's in the bathroom, door shut behind him.

They don't talk about it on the way to work, or on the way home that night. They don't talk about it during dinner, and not even when it's time for bed and they somehow inevitably find themselves hooking up again.

And as Kyo stares at the ceiling afterwards, Tohru soundly asleep on the opposite side of the bed, he thinks and thinks, but just can't figure out what the fuck is going on. For the life of him, he has no idea why Tohru seems so hollow, so purely gutted. She'd come onto him, and now she's acting distant and cold.

He has no clue what he's supposed to do.

On Wednesday after work, he and Tohru separate for a bit; she goes to the supermarket to do a little shopping, and he goes to the convenience store and then to Haru's.

No one is home when he arrives, so he sits on the top step and waits. Finally, about 20 minutes later, Haru comes trudging up the stairs, stopping about halfway and looking at Kyo. Though his expression doesn't change from its usual indifference, Kyo can somehow tell that Haru is surprised to see him.

"Uh, hey," Haru says.

In lieu of a greeting, Kyo reaches into the bag from the convenience store, takes out a can of beer, and waves it at Haru. Haru continues up the stairs, takes the offering, and sits down.

"Why'd you bring this?" Haru asks.

"You're always giving me beer. Figured I should repay you somehow."

Haru looks between Kyo and the can a few times, then says, "Are you trying to poison me?"

Kyo groans. "Jackass. Either drink it or don't, I don't care."

Haru smirks and pops the can open. "Someone's grumpy."

"Yeah, well…maybe a little," Kyo admits.

Haru takes a gulp of the drink, then asks, "Is that why you're here?"

"Yeah."

"Well, spill."

Kyo takes a deep breath, his knee starting to bounce up and down. In the silence, Haru watches him sidelong. "So…we had sex," Kyo spits out finally, figuring it's better to just get it over with.

Haru raises an eyebrow. "You and Honda?"

"Who else would I have sex with?"

Haru shrugs. "From what you've told me, you're not even supposed to be having sex with her," he points out. "But congrats anyway, man. Was it good?"

"It was amazing, but that's not the point."

"Then what is?"

"It made a huge mess."

Haru hums, clearly pondering the possible meanings of that. "Start from the beginning."

Kyo sighs and drops his head to avoid having to look at Haru. "I kissed her. Then I realized that was stupid…"

"So you slept with her to…what, redeem yourself somehow?"

"Do you want me to finish talking or not?" Kyo groans.

"Sorry." Haru makes a go ahead motion.

"I realized that was stupid, so I tried to pretend it didn't happen. She got me to talk about it, and somehow that led to confessing that I'm still in love with her, and then she jumped me."

Haru chuckles and takes another long drink of beer. "Damn. Honda really knows what she wants and goes for it."

"Yeah. Except now she's acting really fucking weird."

"What do you mean?"

"She woke up shaking, and now she doesn't want to talk."

"Were you not a good lay, or something?"

Kyo's cheeks redden. He thinks he's getting better about talking to Haru about stuff like this, but not when he's asked for that much detail. "I—well, she came…uh, twice."

Haru leans back, putting his weight on his palms behind him. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Girls can be really good at faking it."

Hmm…Kyo hadn't known that. This whole time, has she just been—?

That's absolutely not the point right now.

"Jesus Christ, Haru. Are you gonna give me any advice, or what?"

"Try going down on her more often."

"I go down on her every time! And you know damn well that's not what I meant."

Haru tries to keep from smirking, but ends up unsuccessful. For a moment, Kyo wants to punch it right off his face.

"Well I mean, you've gotta talk to her, right?"

"But how? She'll barely look at me."

"Sit her down and show her who's boss."

"Why do I even bother to ask you for help?" Kyo grumbles.

Haru pretends to be offended, smacking a hand over his heart. "Hey, would you have even gotten this far without me?"

"...Fair enough."

Haru downs the rest of his drink, stands, and smacks dust off the back of his pants. "She's gonna have your kid. You have to be able to talk to her, even when it's tough."

"I know. You're right."

"Could ask your therapist for advice."

"She's gonna be pissed."

"She's just a therapist, not your mom. Is she even allowed to get pissed?"

Kyo shrugs. It's a fair point.

"Just promise me you'll talk to Honda." Kyo nods. "Gonna need you to say it."

"Okay, okay, I promise."

Haru pats Kyo's head. "Good boy. Now go meet your girl at home."

Kyo fixes his now-ruffled hair and mumbles an awkward thanks as Haru goes inside and shuts the front door behind him.

Kyo goes back to Tohru's with the resolve to do exactly what he and Haru talked about.

But Kyo Sohma is a coward, and he knows it.

Over the next week, Kyo and Tohru develop a new "normal" routine.

They go to work together in the morning. They walk home together in the evening. Kyo cooks, and they watch TV quietly while they eat. They shower and get ready for bed.

Then, they have sex. They tangle themselves together and make each other come undone. They don't say anything before, during, or after—no declarations of love, no dirty talk, just complete silence aside from a few stray gasps or moans that can't be contained. Kyo can't speak for Tohru, of course, but he feels like it's just a way for them to get their frustrations out, at this point. They leave marks on each other, clutch onto each other, tremble together, the whole thing just pure passion and heat, then roll over and go to sleep separately without a word. As much anxiety as it gives him, he also has to admit that it's sort of fun and hot and relaxing sometimes.

The next morning, they get up and do the routine all over again. They don't kiss throughout the day, don't even touch each other unless absolutely necessary, hardly speak to eac other at all.

Kyo hasn't managed to talk to Tohru or his therapist about what's been going on. It makes him feel like a moron, knowing that he can't even bring himself to do that.

At first, he thought that getting physically close to Tohru might help progress their relationship again. Based on what she'd said that first night, she seemed to think so, too. But now, it feels like they've leapt backwards for meters. They've gone from being friends, to dating, to being expectant parents together, and now…what, friends with benefits? But it doesn't feel like there's even really a friendship—just benefits.

The longer it goes on, the more he starts to realize that it's not really fun and hot and relaxing sometimes. Not when he wants more; and not when he hates that he can't seem to have it.

He's always been selfish, after all.

Finally, that next week, he caves.

Sitting across from his therapist, leg bouncing, he watches as she reviews some notes after their normal discussion of how the week went. He'd "forgotten" his journal so they wouldn't have to go over anything about Tohru, but…

"I, uh. I have something to tell you," he blurts.

She looks up from her clipboard. "Oh?" she asks.

Kyo clears his throat, buying a second to gather his courage. He doesn't know how to word it. "I…did something bad."

She leans forward in her chair, clearly ready to listen."Well, let's talk through it. What's up?"

"I, uh…I kissed Tohru. And that somehow led to us having sex."

She blinks a few times, then purses her lips. It's a look Kyo recognizes well from being such a trouble-maker of a child. He's seen the expression on the faces of teachers; elder Sohmas; Yuki, even; and on just one occasion, Kazuma. It's the face of someone who's trying not to lose their shit.

But just as quickly as it morphs onto the therapist's face, it disappears—she's well-trained, apparently.

"Okay. And how do you feel about that?"

"Confused."

"It took you quite a bit to tell me. Were you ashamed, as well, perhaps?"

He ignores her question, his mind clinging onto something else, instead. "Eh? What do you mean 'quite a bit'?"

She doesn't answer that, just shoots another question his way. "Do you think that you and Tohru use physical intimacy to avoid having important conversations?"

"Definitely," he says immediately. As much as he hates to admit it, it's absolutely the truth. This past week has made that abundantly clear, even more so than it already had been.

"Have you thought about mentioning that to Tohru? Do you think she might feel the same way?"

Kyo pauses, narrows his eyes at the therapist. "It kind of sounds like she mentioned this to you, herself."

"Doctor-patient confidentiality," she says simply, but a smile tugs at the corners of her lips.

Kyo can't help but smile back a bit. "Right…" he says slowly.

"If she's not going to take the first step and talk to her, you need to do it. You know that, don't you?"

"Yes."

"She has her reasons for reacting the way she is, just as you have reasons for reacting the way you are. Do you think things will work out if you don't learn how to discuss those reasons with each other?"

Kyo sighs and leans back against the chair he's in. He crosses his arms, as though trying to fold in on himself, make himself smaller in hopes of dodging all the words and emotions coming his way. But ultimately, he knows he has to answer. He has to let himself feel—if Tohru Honda has taught him anything, it's that. "No. And I really, really want it to work out."

"I know. And I'm rooting for you."

"Oh, uh…thank you."

She nods simply. "Do you have any last questions before our time is up?"

"Nah. I think you've given me plenty to do for this week. Thanks."

She laughs lightly as Kyo stands and makes his way to the door. "Fair enough. And anytime."

Despite what he'd just decided on that afternoon, right before bed, Kyo finds himself sitting underneath Tohru. She grinds her hips against his as she kisses down his jaw to his neck, and even as he focuses his breathing to try and practice some self control, it makes his mind go completely blank, his body go completely numb everywhere except where she's touching him. Her normally-freezing fingers feel burning hot enough to brand his skin, and he wouldn't mind; would probably even wear the marks proudly on his shoulders, for some reason.

And although they seem to have agreed on an unspoken rule to stay silent, he finds himself moaning out her name. It just eggs her on, makes her move more quickly.

She bites down on his neck, and he moans."Shit," he hisses. She reaches for his belt, then, and as she takes a moment to fumble unsuccessfully with it, he has time to ground himself. He takes a deep breath and puts his hands on her hips, gently pushing her off of him. "Tohru, Tohru, wait."

Tohru pulls her hands away from him quickly, her eyes widening. He can't tell if it's because he said no, or because that was the first time he's actually said her name in over a week. Probably both.

"We—we have to talk."

She bites her lip, averts her gaze down to the bedspread. She takes a deep breath before answering, her chest heaving with the force of it. "About what?"

He's a little taken aback by that question. About what? She knows damn well; she has to. She's not stupid, not by a long shot, especially when it comes to social interactions. But he humors her anyway, wanting to make sure she doesn't completely shut down before they can talk.

"This," Kyo chokes out, gesturing between the two of them. "What are we doing?"

"Having fun?" she says hesitantly.

"But I…" Kyo takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, recalling what the therapist said earlier. Talk. Feel. "I want more than this," he lets out finally, before he can lose his nerve. Tohru looks back up at him, blinks a few times.

"We always use sex to avoid talking about important things. Like…after we hooked up that first night, and you said you didn't want to talk about it, so we just kept sleeping together over and over again without saying anything. What is that? What am I supposed to think? Please tell me."

Tohru is quiet for a few long moments, then she pulls her knees up to her chest and sighs. "You talked to the therapist, didn't you?"

For a second, Kyo feels a little guilty. Should he not have done that? But… "Well, uh—yeah. I mean, that's what she's for, right?"

"Mm-hmm."

"And besides…it sounds like you talked to her about it, too."

She blinks, clearly a little surprised by that. "She told you?"

"Not exactly. But she also made it pretty obvious. I'd have to be an idiot to not pick up on it."

Tohru hums, nods. "I see."

"She says you have your reasons for not wanting to talk to me. But I can't just leave that alone. So…why didn't you wanna talk about us hooking up? If we want this to work, we have to talk to each other. Even if nothing else happens with us, our kid needs us to be able to do that."

At the mention of the baby, Tohru's tense facial features soften a bit. She rests her palm on her belly. There's no bump yet, but she is filling out a little bit. Kyo wants to put his hand on hers to feel close to his family, but resists the urge; he just clenches his hands into fists instead.

"I'm scared," she chokes out, voice trembling.

"Of what?"

"Us."

Kyo tries to ignore the way disappointment stabs his ribs at that. It's a fair statement—any way she's feeling is fair and valid, after all they've gone through. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear.

"What about us?" he prompts.

Tohru hesitates before answering. "Well, uh. Do you remember what I said the first night we did this?"

Of course. How could he forget it?

Were we ever really meant to be anything less than this, Kyo-kun?

"Yes. Of course."

She bites her lip. "Well…what if we also weren't ever meant to be anything more than this?"

She starts to cry, and all he wants to do is reach out and hold her. And so he starts to, but when she tenses as he moves closer, he drops his hands back to his sides in defeat. "What do you mean?" he whispers.

"W-we went from just tolerating each other at Shigure's, to staring at each other with butterflies and hugging on the balcony and holding hands, to me admitting my feelings and getting shut down. Then we were apart for so long, and suddenly you were back, and when we tried to be together then…it all just blew up in our faces. We've always had chemistry, especially physical…I can admit that now. But I can't lose you emotionally again. It hurts too much."

You won't lose me, not again. Not if we keep putting so much effort in.

We've worked so hard.

Kyo wants to say that, but he doesn't, simply cannot. He just watches her hold her knees to her chest and shake with sobs as he tries to think of a more appropriate response.

"So…do you want to stop trying? Is that what you're saying?"

"I don't know," she whimpers.

Despite himself, Kyo can feel frustration start to well up in his chest. "Then what do you mean? You don't love me anymore?"

"No. Oh my god, no, that's not what I mean."

He can't even take the time to truly process that. Words just keep flowing, each one angrier and sadder than the last. "I'm just someone to fuck?"

"What?! You know me better than that!" The volume of her voice stops him in his tracks. She's shouting. "Kyo, please, just stop and listen for a minute."

After a second, she takes his silence and wide-eyed stare as permission to keep going. "I'm still in love with you. Of course I'm still in love with you. Do you think I'll ever be able to stop loving you?" Kyo's outburst apparently snapped her out of her grief—she's not crying anymore; despite the undertone of shrillness in her voice, she sounds firm. "You're everything to me!"

Kyo takes a deep breath, opens his mouth to respond, but he's cut off.

"Stop. Don't say anything. I'm not done yet. How…how dare you ask if you're just somebody for me to have sex with? How can you say that, after you supported me through the mistakes I made with Asahi?! I'll never do that to someone again, and especially not you, Kyo Sohma! I thought you knew that, but…"

She trails off, and her shoulders begin to tremble again.

"Tohru, I'm sorry…" he whispers after a moment.

"Stop," she pleads. "Just stop. I think you should go home."

He nods a little and stands up off the bed. He grabs his shirt and tugs it on as he talks to her. "Can we, uh. Could we meet up again to talk about this later?"

"Sure."

That's relieving, at least. Even if she's truly only doing it for their baby now, maybe she'll hear him out, let him explain that he's a fucking idiot and why he is that way. Honestly, he's not sure he knows why, himself; but he sure as hell needs to figure it out, he realizes now.

On the way to the genkan, he pauses and glances around, trying to think of anything she might need while he's gone. He's sure she's not getting out of bed for a bit. His eyes settle on the fridge. First, he grabs the bottle of Tylenol off the top of it, then opens it and grabs a couple bottles of water. He grabs the bag of peppermints she's been using for morning sickness out of the pantry.

Tohru jumps at the sound of his footsteps entering her room again, but she doesn't look up. He takes a deep breath in an attempt to steady himself, then sets the medication, candies, and water down.

"Bye," he whispers, then leaves for real.

When he gets back to his apartment, he closes the front door behind him, then sinks down onto the floor with his back pressed against the cool wood.

Finally, he cries. He was too shell shocked to do so while he was still at Tohru's place. He couldn't comprehend everything that was happening, everything he'd said that had hurt her, everything he was feeling. But now…now he's starting to see things for what they really are—he fucked up again, he might have said those things semi-intentionally to get a reaction out of her as strong as the one he'd been feeling, and he feels broken. Just utterly and completely shattered.

What's wrong with them? Surely there has to be something. What sane person does anything like that?

He buries his face in his hands.

The next morning, Kyo drags himself out of bed. It's a workday, but he doesn't know if he can bear to go in. But then again, he doubts Tohru will be there, either; both of them calling in would cause his dad to ask a lot of questions next week, none of which he'll feel up to answering, he's sure.

So he forces himself to plan to go to work. This is the least he can do for Tohru, he figures—spare her from having to be interrogated next time she sees Kazuma by answering for her now. If she decides not to quit in order to avoid Kyo, that is.

He packs his gym bag, gets dressed, then heads into the bathroom to finish getting ready. He glances into the mirror as he runs his toothbrush under the tap, then groans. He looks awful. He's got splotches of red outlining his eyes and drifting down to his cheeks. It's obvious he spent the whole night crying.

Then, for a brief second, he does something odd: he wishes Kagura were here.

A morning a couple years ago, right after Tohru's accident, Kagura came over to try and talk Kyo into actually going to school. She caught him crying in his room, then did something unexpected; she softened her voice, gently tugged Kyo's arm, and got him up and into the bathroom.

Digging around in her bag, she asked, "Are you going to school?"

"Do I look well enough to go to school?" he'd shot back, voice hoarse. He hated acting so vulnerable in front of Kagura, figuring it would just be ammo for her to tease him later. She didn't mention it, though, and never has since, either.

"Will you go if I can make your face look better? I bet you just don't want anyone to see you after you've been crying."

"That's not it…"

"It's definitely part of it, though."

Finally successful in finding what she wanted, she pulled out a small cosmetics case. She held it up into Kyo's line of sight. "Let me help you?" she asked, voice still small.

"Whatever," he groaned. She pushed his shoulders back until he was leaning against the counter. A few minutes and an odd mixture of different concealer shades later, she nudged him until he turned around and looked in the mirror. He couldn't even tell he'd been crying, and although he felt like an idiot having makeup on, he couldn't tell that he was even wearing it, either.

He sniffled, then turned back to Kagura, who was wearing a soft smile. "You're good at this."

She raised her eyebrow. "Did you just compliment me, Kyo?"

"Shut up," he said, voice still tight but also now laced with a small laugh. "Or you'll never hear one again."

No one mentioned his looks at school that day, so looking back on it now, he supposes it worked.

Would it work at the dojo too? If he calls her, she'll probably come do it again…

Kyo shakes his head, then shoves his toothbrush into his mouth to distract himself. His dad and Kunimitsu know him too well for that. Plus, then he'd have to explain what's going on to Kagura.

That's most definitely a bridge he's not ready to cross, and probably never will be.

When he gets to the dojo, Kyo tries to be quiet when he slips inside, wanting a few more minutes of peace before having to deal with his dad and Kunimitsu, but the sound of his shoes being lined up in the genkan draws attention.

"Hey," Kunimitsu says, peeking his head into the entryway. Then he raises an eyebrow. "Huh? No Tohru-kun today?"

"Nope," Kyo says simply, hiking his bag up higher on his shoulder and heading toward the bathroom to change.

"Is she okay?"

"Yup. Just not feeling great." Kyo shrugs. "You know."

Kunimitsu cringes. "It's all really starting to hit her now, huh?"

"Yeah. She's about to be in her second trimester, though, so the doctor says it should get better soon."

"Well, that's good. Hopefully she'll be feeling well enough to come in tomorrow. It's weird without her here."

Kyo freezes. It is weird without her here, he realizes. When did it become that way? Tohru has always had a grip on him, always been all over him, but when did she become such an integral part of even his workplace?

She's everywhere.

He bites back a sigh and starts walking toward the bathroom again. "Yeah. Hope so."

Notes:

Chapter title from "Hazy" by Rosi Golan, feat. William Fitzsimmons

Chapter 24: 'cause without you, things go hazy

Summary:

"He wants her so much. So fucking badly. All of her, each and every part of who she is and what she has to give. Who she slept with and why, whether or not she thinks they're "meant to be" just don't matter. He'll always want her. Always need her. He thinks his bones will always feel weak, and his blood always scorching hot within his veins, as long as she's around."

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Anime/Manga » Fruits Basket » I think about you all the time

Author: lucybeee

1. we're not who we used to be 2. you can run, but only so far 3. maybe this is perfect, maybe it's insane 4. this is me trying 5. how foreign it felt 6. a past that doesn't let me choose 7. so kiss me 8. cause I'm in love with you 9. I wish that I was good enough 10. when i wake up, the dream isn't done 11. god damn, you're so worth it 12. taste your lips and feel your skin 13. a million more first times 14. you're tearing at the seams 15. I'm stupid in love 16. you step a little closer each day 17. some things we don't talk about 18. from growing up to breaking down 19. look at this godforsaken mess 20. our hearts are heavy burdens 21. I wonder if we'll be able to laugh 22. I'm twisting my words 23. There's some things that need to be said 24. cause without you, things go hazy

Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Reviews: 22 - Published: 09-15-21 - Updated: 06-10-22

id:13956734

Kyo keeps to himself for the next couple days.

He goes about his life like he supposes any normal person would—he does his work diligently and with minimal communication with his coworkers, goes home, eats, does any necessary housework, and goes to bed.

While he absolutely despises this—the loneliness that threatens to swallow him whole, the lack of communication with Tohru that makes his heart feel as if it's going through a meat grinder—it is nice to establish a routine. It distracts him a little.

But also never enough.

Because she's still everywhere. He can't eat certain foods without thinking of how much she loves them, can't walk down certain streets without remembering being there with her, can't even sleep in his bed some nights because he swears it still smells like her even though that's impossible.

It's only been three days so far.

How many more days will he live in his life? Likely thousands and thousands. That's a lot of this to take.

He could reach out, but he wants her to do it. In all honesty, he thinks of it as a form of repentance. He hurt her again, and he figures that means he owes her space.

On Friday, he can't take it anymore. He goes to Haru's. He knows that's selfish, to push his problems onto Haru again when he should just leave his poor cousin out of it at this point. But everyone within six degrees of separation from Kyo Sohma likely knows that he's selfish, by now.

But when he knocks on the door, no one answers. Kyo steps to the side of the door and peeks in through the window, leaning close and cupping his hands against the glass near his eyes to search for any sign of movement within the apartment. The lights are out.

Next to him, someone clears their throat. He jumps up straight and looks in that direction. A middle-aged woman eyes him suspiciously as she locks the door of the next apartment over. Okay, he knows this isn't exactly a fantastic neighborhood, but does he really look like such a delinquent that his presence warrants a response like that? He glances down at himself, taking in his haphazardly-thrown-together outfit. Maybe he does.

Kyo clears his throat, then puts on his most polite smile. "H-hello. My cousin lives here and I'm looking for him. Have you seen him at all today?"

The woman just shrugs and shakes her head slightly, then turns and heads down the stairs.

Okay then.

He has nowhere to go but home, now, he supposes.

So, with that knowledge, he sets off…and very illogically ends up in a dive bar near his apartment.

He never stress-drank before Tohru came back into his life, he thinks fleetingly. It's no fault of hers, and he's not particularly worried about it, even, either. He's the one stressing himself out over how poorly he treats Tohru. Everything that comes as a consequence of that is on him, and him only.

He orders a whisky and coke, and leans his elbows against the bar as he sips at it. But he's very quickly reminded that it's Friday, and that means bars get busy…apparently even small bars tucked into the backs of alleys no one should know about unless they live nearby, as is his case. As groups of college students and bachelor parties start piling in, he bites back a groan. Well, maybe this is what he gets for not wanting to be alone tonight.

"Hey, you."

Kyo looks up from his glass, then immediately turns back towards it. There's suddenly a random woman next to him. He has no interest in talking to her, but he also has tried to leave standoffish Kyo in the past, so he figures he should at least greet her. "Yo," he mumbles awkwardly.

Apparently that's funny somehow, because she giggles and sits on the stool to his left.

"That's quite the hair you've got."

Of course that's why she came over here.

Kyo runs a hand through it absentmindedly, still avoiding eye contact. "Yeah, I guess."

"But you're clearly still Japanese."

"Yup." She hums in curiosity, so he adds, "Long story."

He downs the rest of his drink as quickly as possible, and as he's making to stand up, the girl blurts, "Wait!" He glances at her sidelong. She takes that as permission to continue, even though he's certain it's not a friendly look he shot her way. "Are you single?"

Technically…yes? But emotionally—definitely, absolutely not. "It's complicated," is the best way he can come up with to explain it without going into detail.

"Sounds like someone got in a fight. But maybe I can make you feel better."

Kyo uses a great amount of willpower to avoid rolling his eyes. He stands up, but the girl grabs onto his wrist—his left wrist, the one he's still hesitant to let anyone but Tohru and Kazuma touch. It makes him freeze up. He can't breathe, can't move. This is all too much—the alcohol; everything about this random woman who's clearly trying to come onto him; her hand clutching his wrist like a lifeline even though she doesn't know him, just saw him across the room and waltzed on over for no reason.

The next thing Kyo knows, she's up on her tiptoes and pressing her lips to his. Reflexively, his eyes close, but he's otherwise completely still and shell shocked. For a second, he hopes she'll just notice that he's most definitely not kissing back and let go of his wrist so he can function again and push her the fuck away. But it becomes clear she's not going to do that when he feels her tongue dart out against his lips. He shudders, and not in a good way; if he doesn't get her off of him, he thinks he'll definitely throw up right into her mouth.

Because it's wrong. It's all wrong. She's not Tohru, and he can't imagine she is no matter how hard he tries, or how drunk he may be.

So he takes a deep breath in through his nose and rips his arm away, then uses it to push her shoulder until she's back from him. The look on her face is one of pure surprise, like she's never seen rejection before; and honestly, maybe she hasn't. Kyo has to admit that she's pretty, and if she just comes onto random guys in bars, chances are it'll work out in her favor. This time, he does roll his eyes.

"You shouldn't kiss strangers without permission," he growls. "Especially not when they've just told you they're seeing someone."

"I, but—" she stammers, clearly nonplussed. "You said it's complicated…"

"Yeah, doesn't that mean there's still someone else in the picture? You knew that."

"I just thought, maybe we could—"

Kyo sighs. "You still don't get it? I'm not interested. Go find someone else to fuck."

He turns and walks out of the bar. For just a second, he glances back into the window and sees the girl with her hands over her face, a group of friends surrounding her to comfort her.

He'd been a bit harsh. He knows that.

He also gives zero fucks, though.

He brings the back of his hand up to his mouth and wipes at his lips, as though that'll get rid of how she tasted and how her tongue felt there; it doesn't, and he still feels like he might puke.

He falls to a stop and leans back against the concrete wall of a nearby building. He takes a deep breath, fleetingly realizing that he forgot to pay his tab…but there's no way in hell he's going back in there. He tilts his head back, letting it thump against the wall.

He's an idiot.

But if anything, this at least showed him that he never ever wants to kiss or touch a woman that isn't Tohru. Men his age make comments about sleeping around before getting tied down, he knows, but it doesn't appeal to him at all—and especially not now. It sounds gross, unnecessary when he has someone as amazing as Tohru Honda waiting for him at home…or, used to be waiting, at least.

His phone buzzes in his back pocket, and he stiffens. He knows who it is without even having to look, and it's as if the call is right on cue. With shaking hands, he pulls it out and looks at the screen. He takes a deep breath and swallows heavily before forcing himself to answer the phone.

"Hey."

"Hi…" Tohru says softly. "Uh, I—do you think you could come over so we can talk?"

Already? It's only been a few days. He didn't think she'd be ready so quickly, and that would, of course, be absolutely fair.

"Uh. Yeah, of course. Just, could we do it tomorrow?"

"O-oh, of course. I'm sorry, are you busy?"

"Not really, just…not ready yet." It's the truth. If he goes over to Tohru's right now, after what just happened, he just knows he'll throw himself into her arms and fall to pieces.

Why can't they ever talk without someone ending up in tears?

After a brief silence, Tohru says, "I understand. But, um…are you okay? You don't sound so good."

Kyo clears his throat before speaking again; he knows his voice is hoarse, but he'd hoped it wasn't obvious enough for Tohru to notice.

Stupid. Tohru notices everything about him.

"Yeah. Rough couple of days, is all."

"I see."

"Tohru," he says, and the word comes out timid and broken, and it makes him ashamed. He pauses, then tries again. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know yet," she admits. "I won't know until I see you again."

"Oh," he says dumbly.

"So, uh. I'll see you tomorrow? You can come whenever."

"Sure. I'll probably be there around noon."

"Okay."

They're quiet for a moment before Tohru just whispers, "Bye," and hangs up abruptly. Kyo pulls his phone away from his ear, looks down at the now-dark screen, and sighs. He gives the device a squeeze, the tendons in his fingers and wrist visibly tightening with the force.

Suddenly, a drop of liquid lands on the bridge of Kyo's nose with a splat, and he turns his eyes to the sky. He blinks against the steadily-increasing rain, and pointlessly recalls a saying Kazuma used to use when bad things would happen one after another:

When it rains, it pours.

Kyo's never been much good at remembering his umbrella.

It's a little selfish of him, but when he gets to Tohru's house the next day, he kind of hopes everything will just magically be back to normal. He'll knock on the door and she'll call out to him, there will be something on the stove waiting for him, she'll lie in his arms as they eat and kiss and laugh.

But deep down, he knows that really wouldn't be good for anyone, nor is it logical to expect it.

He knocks, now trying to prepare for the worst.

What he finds when the door opens is somewhere between the two extremes. Tohru is dressed in leggings and an oversized sweater—an easy outfit, but also still signaling better mental health than just pajamas would. She doesn't look like she's feeling ill, so she must be eating well and taking her nausea pills as needed. But she also doesn't look happy; she looks like she's emotionally exhausted.

"Hi," she whispers, tilting her head back to be able to meet his eyes.

"Hey," he chokes out in response.

Tohru takes a deep breath, then steps back and gestures for Kyo to head in. He does, neatly lines his shoes up by the door, and then stands stiffly in the genkan. He eyes Tohru cautiously as she moves to the couch. He can still see her from where he is, though just the back of her head.

After a moment, he sees her shoulders quake a bit. His spine stiffens, but he can't move, can't speak. Tohru turns around to face him, and that's what does it—her eyes are wide and damp, her slightly-chapped lips pursed together tightly, as though trying to keep back wild and reckless words she knows she shouldn't set free.

He wants her.

He always has, of course. But looking at her right now…

He wants her so much. So fucking badly. All of her, each and every part of who she is and what she has to give. Who she slept with and why, whether or not she thinks they're "meant to be" just don't matter. He'll always want her. Always need her. He thinks his bones will always feel weak, and his blood always scorching hot within his veins, as long as she's around.

He realizes that he can't go another minute without telling her. If he wants this to work, there can't be secrets; he's known that all along, but he's always had trouble following through on actually saying what's on his mind…but right now, he feels ready to burst at the seams.

"Tohru, before you say anything, I—" he pauses, clears his throat, takes a moment to go over how to word this. Tohru just looks at him, eyes slightly narrowed in confusion. Awkwardly, he settles on, "I have to tell you something."

She nods, her expression now one of concern. "Are you okay?"

No. The ugly part of him, the once that still screams that he's not good enough, tells him to take it back. He can't tell her that he's feeling broken. But he also has to. He fucking has to.

He takes a deep breath. "No. Last night, I went and had a few drinks at a bar, and well…someone came up to me and was sort of flirting, and you know—she kissed me."

He's half-expecting some non-committal response. "We're not technically together, so it's none of my business who you kiss."

But instead, Tohru's eyes widen and her cheeks flush. She clenches her jaw and looks down to the floor to avoid having to make eye contact with him. "Did…" she whispers, voice so small that he almost can't hear her. "Did you kiss her back?"

He doesn't really even have time to process her words or the intent behind them—he just knows, deep down in his gut, that he has to reassure her. "Eh, what? N-no, of course not!"

She nods a bit, eyes still trained on the linoleum. "Okay," she says slowly.

"...Are you okay?"

"Not really."

They sit in silence for a minute, neither knowing what would be appropriate to say in such a case.

"I mean, I can't really blame her," Tohru blurts finally. Kyo raises an eyebrow. "Y-you're very kind and handsome and funny and smart, and—and—" Her voice turns shaky, and she sniffles.

Alarmed, Kyo tries to get a look at her face, but she's turned completely away.

"Why are you crying?" he asks gently. She shrugs. "Tohru…can you look at me?" She shakes her head.

Is he allowed to—?

Without putting too much thought into it and sending himself down a mental spiral, he reaches out and cups her cheek, turns her toward him. She finally looks at him, eyes still wide and glassed over with tears.

"What's wrong, Tohru?"

She sobs, then covers her mouth with one hand in apparent embarrassment. "I just…I don't—I don't want to think about you kissing anyone else," she admits.

Kyo rubs his thumb in circles over her wet cheek as he tries to figure that out. She's clearly upset about that chick coming onto him. She almost sounds…

"Are you…jealous?" he asks.

"I—" she sighs, wipes at her eyes. "Yes."

Kyo tries to bite back a smirk, but is apparently unsuccessful—Tohru lets out a watery laugh and smacks at his arm. "Why does that make you smile?" she grumbles halfheartedly.

All hesitation gone now, he just says, "You're pretty cute when you're jealous. And, besides…that means you care about me, right?"

"Kyo-kun…" she murmurs. She leans her head on his shoulder. "It was never a question of whether I care for you or love you. It was just about if I could be with you."

Despite being extremely aware of how dry his mouth is, Kyo swallows hard, trying naively to gulp down his nerves. "W-well…" he says quietly, "what do you think? Can you?"

She looks conflicted. He's sure that's not a good start.

"I…I think—" Tohru rambles, wiping at her cheeks one last time. "I just have to. I have to figure it out because I want you. You're precious to me. So please…please…"

She doesn't seem like she can even finish the sentence, so Kyo doesn't make her. "I want you too," he says softly. "And I promise that I'll do better. I'll become who you need me to. I promise, Tohru. Whatever it is we need to do, we'll figure it out together."

"I promise, too," she chokes out. "Just don't give up on me, please."

He kisses the top of her head, then smiles a little, despite the tears pooling in the corners of his own eyes now. "Dummy," he murmurs into her hair, "never."

Later, when feelings have settled a bit, they sit a bit apart from each other on the couch, each holding a glass of iced tea. Tohru's splayed out on her half of the couch, trying to magically dodge the heat weighing down the afternoon air. Kyo sips at his drink and watches her.

They decided to push more of their much-needed heavy conversation off until tomorrow, when they've both had time to finish processing today's dose. They're not in a hurry, they said to each other; they have time to get to where they truly want to be. Rushing only comes back to bite them every time. Took them long enough to figure that out, but maybe they're really starting to get it now.

"It's so hot," Tohru whines. Kyo chuckles and reaches out, lying a palm on the tiny baby bump that's started showing lately.

"It's not that hot," he tells her. "It's just this thing."

"Did you just call our child this thing?" she laughs.

Kyo smiles and rolls his eyes. "What am I supposed to call them at this point?"

"Anything but what you just did."

"Anyway," Kyo groans, trying to get the conversation back on track. "The baby must be starting to get heavier. It's no wonder being pregnant raises body temperature and makes you tired and everything."

Tohru shrugs. "Well…no matter what it brings, I'm happy," she says. "I'm happy to get to do this."

"Sap," Kyo blurts immediately, his mind's default defense mechanism against the way her words make his heart swell.

She laughs. "Maybe. But it's true."

"I know. And, Tohru? Thank you."

"For?" she asks, bringing the edge of her glass to her lips.

"Carrying our baby."

She smiles a little, like that was exactly what she'd been expecting him to say. "You say that a lot," she points out.

"Mm…" he murmurs. "I'm just really lucky."

"I am too."

"Yeah? Even after everything we've gone through to get here? Even though the work isn't over yet?"

"Mm-hmm. As long as, at the end of the day, I get you two."

"Well…cheers to that."

They clink their glasses.

"Cheers," Tohru agrees.

Notes:

Hi! I know this took a ridiculously long time to upload, but I've been studying abroad in Japan and it's definitely taken some getting used to since I got here in April. I hope you enjoyed. 💕 and thanks for sticking around.
Chapter title from "Hazy" by Rosi Golan

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kooqaid on Chapter 1 Thu 16 Sep 2021 05:24AM UTC

AAAWWHEHESDSJDBDDOXICBESKKXSNAKSDNSSKSKSKKZ😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

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IloveKyoru on Chapter 1 Thu 16 Sep 2021 03:11PM UTC

Omg I love this!♥️♥️♥️♥️
I have always wondered what would happen if Kyo didn’t confess after that!

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modzy78 on Chapter 1 Thu 16 Sep 2021 04:09PM UTC

This is so painful and powerful. I've got a lump in my throat. They've both been suffering so much. Yet Tohru is still being bold. I hope that Kyo has enough sense to respond by telling her he thinks about her all the time, too. They can work things out if they're willing to face their pain. I'm glad you listened to those of us on Twitter who were interested in your snippet. This story has so much potential and has started in such an amazing way.

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DoctorwhoXMangafan2 on Chapter 1 Thu 16 Sep 2021 04:45PM UTC

Looking forward to more!

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kayladb on Chapter 1 Thu 16 Sep 2021 07:33PM UTC

I lurve angst but KISS AND MAKE UP!

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cold_flame on Chapter 1 Thu 16 Sep 2021 08:44PM UTC

Ooooh yes I saw the bit of this on twt and I was so intrigued!! Bitter Tohru and both of them being awkward af and still falling in each other's orbit? Spicy. I love it! 👀 I'm so excited for this!

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befriendyourlocalcrows on Chapter 1 Mon 20 Sep 2021 07:27PM UTC

I have been WAITING for someone to write a fic like this!!!! I love love LOVE this idea

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DrewD on Chapter 1 Thu 30 Dec 2021 01:09AM UTC

Oh my goodness, why did it take me so long to start reading this?? Ugh, Lucy this is so good! I’m really excited to continue. I feel so bad for both of them. Kyo who broke away from the family like he’s always wanted to, but now feels lonely. Without Tohru his world feels so bleak. Tohru who hurts from her ex, who has HURT over Kyo for so long too. I’m curious where you plan to go with this!!💕💕

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IloveKyoru on Chapter 2 Sat 18 Sep 2021 06:00AM UTC

I was going to go to sleep butttttttt i saw this and was like fuck sleep
its friday night anyway 😜
NO SCHOOOLLLL TOMOROW
This is so good!!! I cant wait for future chapters!!

Last Edited Sat 18 Sep 2021 06:06AM UTC

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riceballxcat15 on Chapter 2 Sat 18 Sep 2021 08:16AM UTC

I trust your judgment. but this hurt me lmao <3

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modzy78 on Chapter 2 Sat 18 Sep 2021 09:47AM UTC

The pain is so intense. But I do trust you. I think they both need this. Tohru needs to have a difficult decision so that she knows she's making the right choice in the end. And Kyo needs to realize that he's got to get his act together if he really wants a chance with her. He's right that one 10 minute conversation won't make up for two years of hurt. But it's a start.
And Haru is the best man ever. He's always there for his friends. But he's an idiot if he thinks Rin doesn't know he's passing Kyo info on Tohru. She's way too astute not to pick up on that. I think she knows that Tohru needs it as much as Kyo does.
I'm worried about the next chapter. Tohru's torn between two men, and Kyo seems like he's going into his standard reaction of avoidance and running away. But he's going to lose her forever if he keeps it up. The tension is so thick, and I love it!

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cold_flame on Chapter 2 Sat 18 Sep 2021 02:00PM UTC

Oh you definitely didnt lose me! The pain now makes the fluff later all the more sweet. And both Kyo and Tohru need this! Boy needs to get his shit together.

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thecatlady_reeh on Chapter 2 Sat 18 Sep 2021 10:56PM UTC

Both chapters do far are really hard to read, cause it hurts so much to think that they are not together. I don't know how you're able to write this 😭. But I trust you. I'm sure it's gonna be awesome. Thanks for this!

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Somewhere_In_NeverlandXx on Chapter 2 Wed 06 Oct 2021 03:11PM UTC

I'm so sad these two have to just taaaalk ;_;
Your story got me really hyped already! ♡

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DrewD on Chapter 2 Thu 30 Dec 2021 06:59PM UTC

Lucy, I’m torn up and obsessed at the same time. I loved this chapter though! Like Kyo’s anxiety, fear of not being enough after the hurt he put Tohru through? The way it’s controlling him, making him not act on his feeling even though he so desperately wants to. It feels so cannon. Like Tohru makes so many of the first moves in the cannon, so it’s borderline heartbreaking to know she texts him first in this. I was hoping he would be able to make that first move, but it feels more accurate that he doesn’t. I’m excited to see his development! You’re doing great with him.
And Tohru! Ohh man the fact she admits that she’s so broken up over her feelings for Kyo that it hurts more than the time she found her ex cheating?! That’s a big hurt!! I’m so, so curious where you’re going with this! She thinks she needs to move on, but what will make her realize that it’s not the right choice to do so for her. That Kyo is and always will be her person.
Imma definitely binge the rest of this today and ignore my writing responsibilities(; you have me hooked ma’am<3

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EllesRain_Kyoru on Chapter 3 Sun 19 Sep 2021 06:36AM UTC

Ahhhhh he’s trying so hard 😭 plz I cant handle it

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cold_flame on Chapter 3 Sun 19 Sep 2021 06:41AM UTC

Ahhhhhh ngl I am one with Tohru in that imagining her doing anything with someone who isnt Kyo just feels...Weird. Off.
But Asahi seems really nice too and now I dont want him to get hurt 😩 (I'm imagining Asahi from Haikyuu to help heal the wound)

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WhateverDiamond on Chapter 3 Sun 19 Sep 2021 06:51AM UTC

Thank you for uploading!Ahh I can't wait to see what happens next!

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modzy78 on Chapter 3 Sun 19 Sep 2021 10:03AM UTC

Poor Kyo. He still just wants Tohru to be happy, even if it means tearing his heart out of his chest. When's he going to get up the nerve to admit his feelings? At least he's realizing he can still kind of read Tohru. And she can still read him. That should help them get their friendship back. But they do need to deal with their feelings. And poor Tohru is so conflicted. And Arisa's not helping, even though she thinks she is. I'm worried Tohru is going to spiral a bit soon. The question is who she'll go to when that happens. Those two are pining for each other so hard. It's painful, but a bit less than before (even though Tohru is advancing things with Asahi).

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IloveKyoru on Chapter 3 Sun 19 Sep 2021 05:07PM UTC

So good
i love what Tohru was thinking when Asahi came over and Uos advice
cant wait for next chapter

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