Chapter Text
“What, so, should we just sit here wanting each other and not doing anything about it?”
“I don't know, Wen Ning! The Lans definitely would! 'Do not indulge in pleasure', 'do not be promiscuous', 'do not engage in debauchery', it’s on the list over and over. They would, eh, 'be respectful', 'be modest', 'be ethical'…'perform acts of chivalry'…'stop bad habits'…'destroy the five spiritual poisons,' as in, ah, jealousy and lust…and there’s 'do not show off your skills,' heh... ”
“Mhm. You remember the whole list, still? …that explains some things.”
“Aiya, I suppose there were plenty of reasons for it to stick in my mind, Wen Ning! Madame Yu always said that a beating improves the memory…you know, I considered trying to use it as an itemized list of forbidden acts to perform, heheheh. And I thought I decided not to…but maybe Lan Zhan was right, and I just…keep going down this path, even when I think I’ve found a resting place.”
“I don’t think he knows more about it than you do, Wei-gongzi. And you always said that you could feel your control slipping.”
“Maybe I lied about that.”
“We can’t lie to each other, Wei-gongzi. I suppose… if we went to opposite sides of town, concentrated on not thinking at each other, wrote something trivial down on paper, and sent it via messenger…then we could keep secret whether what it said was true or not for a couple of shi…but like this?”
“Can’t we? Haven’t we? I told you that there were some kinds of monster that I didn’t want to be, Wen Ning. But I suppose that I lied about that. The difficulty with commanding my own heart demons is that…I do command them all…”
“Stop being so dramatic, wanting someone to fuck you when you’re lonely isn’t demonic! And changing your mind isn’t lying, Wei-gongzi.”
“That’s generous of you, Wen Ning. I’m afraid you are too generous to this humble demonic cultivator, as always. It’s not merely drama to be aware of how much damage I can do. It’s just necessary!”
“Listen. It’s been a week since I lost control, and it’s not working for us to avoid each other. And…Face to face? We—we can’t do this. I know—you know—we both know we still want to be close, in—in every way. So what’s the point?”
“The point is that I shouldn’t be dragging you this close, Wen Ning. The point is that I meant to give you yourself, not keep you for my entertainment. So maybe I shouldn’t be face to face with you, ever.”
“So you’d rather you’d turned your back?”
“…Fuck.”
“Do you know what this sounds like to me? It sounds like you’d rather decide that I don’t get to decide what I want. If you’re refusing me because of you, that’s one thing. But just because you’re scared that you put things in my head, doesn’t mean you get to tell me they aren’t there. And it’s not having you in my mind that made me run away. It’s not.”
“Wen Ning…I’m sorry…”
“You don’t get to apologize for what they did. And I don’t want your pity. All of this was there the whole time, Wei-gongzi. All along. Aren’t there things you wish you didn’t have in your head, too? Don’t you get reminded?”
“Constantly, Wen Ning. Every day. Every night, fuck. You know that.”
“So, then…Am I less to you, now?”
“You know the answer to that, too, Wen Ning. If either of us is lessened by this, it’s me. My back was turned to you, all of you, for long enough…If I’d looked for you sooner, maybe…”
“And how much sooner could I have poisoned Wen Chao’s wine, Wei-gongzi? Do you blame me for that?”
“...How can I? Why should I? I don’t want to blame you, Wen Ning. I’m not Jiang Cheng, looking for someone to yell at. I don’t want to constantly imagine going back to change one little thing—regretting it, angry over it, envying my past self—no matter how many choices I can see as disasters in the making now. Not when there were so many things that all led up to—the worst part of our lives. I don’t want to take out on you…what you might have done to make things better or worse; much less what you didn’t do; and least of all, that you did actually try to fix things!”
“Right. Wei-gongzi. Whatever we did, it’s done. Whatever happened, happened.”
“Says the person who got back up after being dead and mostly still for months; to the person who swapped out his kernel of immortality for...for a shidi of sorts still alive...and a dizi made for killing people with the dead. Wen Ning, we're terrible at letting things rest.”
“But...did we ever, actually, undo anything, Wei-gonzi? Or just…do more and more; make it all more complicated?”
“Ah. Fair enough, Wen Ning; that's a hit. Ehhhhh...I suppose…now that neither of us is a real spiritual cultivator any more…we should accept that we won't have forever to fix things."
"What do you mean, Wei-gongzi?"
"Well, see...I remember that I was pretty little when I learned....just because you decide you don’t like a bargain, that doesn’t mean you’ll be allowed to swap things back around. Not once you’ve already paid; or worse yet, taken your end of the deal. The rice is cooked. Saying 'now give me mine' just gets ugly. There are too many things a body can't let go of; not if that person wants to survive, and maybe have a scrap of self-respect. So! If you can afford to let some such small matter go, why not do it? Forgiving any individual debts that someone else owes you...owes me...I think it's the best thing, or at least...the easiest, the kindest. There are enough complications dragging you down already, with what other people will tell you that you owe to them.”
“I don’t know about that, Wei-gongzi. It doesn’t sound quite right, and anyway...I don’t think this is about debts. It’s just…how minds and bodies work. Even ours.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve…been through a lot. So, sometimes, I’m going to lose my grip. I’m going to get mad, or—or scared, or—forget about things. And you’ll—you’ll play for me, if you need to. You have to promise you will. Or if it’s not really something that your cultivation can fix then, then, you’ll talk to me, or take me to Wen Qing, or—or just wait. You’ll wait for me, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And sometimes, you’re going to be the one losing track of...everything. That’s how this started. You aren’t a demon or a ghost yet. You’re a person, just like you insisted on me still being a person, and you’re still alive. You can’t keep going without eating, and drinking, and sleeping, and, and, having some kind of comfort, and someone to talk to. And I’ll, I’ll be what you need. If, if I, I can, if—you want, I—then. I’ll—take care of you, and—”
“Make me eat, make me take nasty medicines, make me lie down—”
“Because you let me make you.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what it is, don’t you see? Letting each other—be. Right, Wei-gongzi? Wei Ying. I don’t—I can’t figure out how much of, of, this—me—is because of—anything, and I don’t have to. This is just—how I am now. And that’s—that’s what I have.”
“I guess…”
“I never lied about wanting you. You’d know. So—that’s what, who I am, for now. That’s what I do.”
“I don’t…know how you can…want to.”
“You know exactly how…Wei Ying, Wei-gege, Wei-gongzi. You wouldn’t be this upset if you didn’t...want things, whether you think you should or not. If you didn't want to...make it all better, make it good for once...I wouldn’t be here.”
“…Oh.”
“We’re all—we’re all like this. Everyone lost something during Sunshot. We got, the two of us got, something back, after everything, and I don’t want to—I won’t lose it again.”