Chapter Text
Conrad tried his best to control his breathing as he sat at the kitchen island. This should have been a happy day. It was Belly’s birthday. It was always one of his favorite days out of the entire summer just because how happy Belly would get eating her mickey mouse pancakes. How her face would light up opening presents. How she would look at him whenever she opened his gift, a slight blush spreading across her cheeks. Whenever she looked at him like that it made him feel like his heart could stop beating but it wouldn’t matter. He could live on that look alone for eternity. It was all he needed. She was all he needed.
But this day wasn’t like the rest of Belly’s birthdays. This summer wasn’t like the previous summers. This summer Conrad’s mom was dying. Her cancer was back, and she wasn’t going to fight it.
Summer was just about to begin when he found out. He’d just gotten back from football practice when he learned his mother’s secret. Conrad could hear his parents arguing before he even opened the front door. This was not unusual. It seemed like his parents were always fighting lately. Not to mention the fact that his father had been sleeping in the guest room for weeks now. Soon they’d be like the Conklin’s. He would never say this out loud, but Conrad always felt that he, Jeremiah, and his mother would be better off without his asshat of a father. Conrad would be better off without the pressure his father would constantly put on him over football. Jeremiah would be far better off free from the emotional neglect of their father. His mother would certainly be far better off free from the kind of husband who cheated on their wives and constantly mistreated his entire family. It wouldn’t matter if he left because summer was fast approaching, which meant so were the Conklins. Laurel, Steven, Belly. Soon his real family would be together again. All the people he loved under one roof again. Just like every summer before.
Conrad’s plan was simple. He would sneak in and silently go up the steps to his room where he would wait out the storm. He needed to be quiet going up the steps to avoid his father’s fire and even more importantly to not make his mother feel bad. Which she always did when they fought in front of him and Jeremiah.
He had just reached the top of the steps when he’d heard it. His mother’s cancer was back. His father was leaving, and his mother was dying.
That was all Conrad could think about lately. His sadness that his mother was going to die. His anger that his father left. If Conrad was being honest with himself, he was angry at his mother too for not fighting her cancer this time around. But how was he supposed to talk to his mother about this? How could he tell her to go through all of that pain again? How could he tell Jeremiah that the most important person in their lives was dying? The only thing Conrad could do to ease the pain was to drink and smoke. That was until she got here.
As soon as Conrad saw Belly it was like time stopped. Suddenly nothing else mattered. Suddenly his mother wasn’t dying and his father hadn’t abandoned them. It was like everything bad in the world fell away. Conrad always knew that his feelings for Belly extended past brotherly love. But he had always thought that it was just because of how no matter what was going on she could always make things better. Whether if he was feeling sad and she would sit by him or if he was already happy it could always get better just by doing something as simple as teaching her how to dance. Because no matter what he was going through Belly could always show up and understand the way he was feeling. Conrad had always known how Belly felt for him. But it wasn’t until that moment that Conrad realized just how deep his feelings for her went.
But then that created a whole new series of problems. What if they were to get together and he broke her heart? What if she broke his? What if they broke their family apart? All Conrad could do was continue his streak of alcohol, pot, and acting like a jerk to all the people in the world he loved while he shoved all of his emotions down inside himself.
It was all of these thoughts that occupied Conrad’s mind as he sat at the kitchen island. On a day that was supposed to be one of his favorites, he was miserable.
“Morning, everyone.”
Conrad was pulled from his thoughts by the voice of the birthday girl. He could only spare a glance because he knew that if he stared at her any longer, he wouldn’t be able to look away. Then staring brought the possibility that he would say or do something that would only serve to confuse both of them, as he had already done multiple times before, like when he touched her hair in the car or crashed her date. So, Conrad did the only thing he could do and continued to eat his cereal even though he could feel Belly’s gaze on him as he remained the only person not to greet her or wish her a happy birthday.
Belly skipped the mickey mouse pancakes this year. Conrad hoped his bad attitude wasn’t the thing that ruined her appetite. As his mother ushered them all into the living room so that Belly could open her presents, Conrad began to feel knots forming in his stomach.
Laurel got Belly a book. Predictable for the writer and book hunter that she was. It wasn’t until that she revealed that it contained his mother’s favorite poem that he saw how much it meant to Belly. Conrad forced himself to contain that sadness that built up inside of him as they all recited the poem his mother loved so much, joining in at the end helped to reduce it slightly. It reminded him of when they were little, and they would all sit on the floor while his mother read that very poem to them. Soon memories and things like that would be all he had left of his mother.
His mother gave Belly the pearls that Grandma gave her. Seeing the gift made him reach for the necklace he had gotten for Belly. Would his necklace be a joke to Belly after such an important and meaningful gift from his mother? Could he take attention away from his mother like that especially with all she’s going through?
As Jeremiah shot up to give Belly his gift Conrad hid the necklace behind his hands. Still unsure of what he should do. Now that he was really thinking about his gift it made him even more worried. All these months he’d had the gift he had never truly thought of the gravity of it until now. Would Belly even get it? Would she remember the birthday he taught her about infinity? He certainly did. He thought about it every year when Belly’s birthday would roll around. Or during the days he missed her, or when he was sad. Memories of those moments with his summer family, especially the ones with her in them, were often the only things that could cheer him up. But even if she did like the gift, what would his family think? The gift was so personal. The representation of one of the most special memories Conrad had of Belly. Even if the boys didn’t get it his mom and Laurel would most likely recognize its importance. The moms always had the ability to see when something was up with him. No matter if he was happy or sad, they could always tell when something was going on.
There were too many variables. Too many things that could go wrong. The only option Conrad could think of was to pretend that he had forgotten Belly’s birthday and apologize for it after. But would they buy that? Conrad’s family knew how much he loved to go all out for Belly’s birthdays.
“Conrad!” The sound of his mother’s voice pulled him from the hole that his thoughts were weighing him down into. Conrad looked around at his family while they looked back at him curiously. Jeremiah and Steven must have already given Belly their gifts while he was lost in thought.
“Everything okay, Connie?” Laurel asked giving him that looked that she reserved just for Conrad, her first baby as she would call him. “You spaced out there for a second.”
Eager not to worry his family, Conrad sat up in his seat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just like you said, I spaced out for a minute. Sorry about that.”
His mother looked at him worriedly. “Well, if you’re alright do you want to give Belly your present?”
Conrad’s gaze moved to the birthday girl sitting on the couch opposite from him. She looked at him while smiling warmly.
“Sorry, I-” Conrad hesitated. Could he really do this to her? What would hurting her like this do to help anyone? Conrad sat up straighter and a small smile crossed his face as if his body was taking control. “So, uh, I ordered it online actually and it was originally supposed to get here on time but there was a problem with the shipping and it got lost.” Belly’s smile fell just a little and it was enough to spurn Conrad into action once more. “But don’t worry it’s supposed to get here soon!”
Belly’s smile brightened again at Conrad’s words; a smile that made him feel like his heart was aching. “It’s totally fine Conrad! Honestly, you really shouldn’t have gone through all the stress just for my birthday.”
Once again, it was like his mouth had a mind of its own as he said, “It could never be any stress if it was for you, Belly.”
Belly blushed at his words. Conrad’s family looked at him in shock. Those were the first truly kind and energetic words Conrad had spoken in weeks. It was like for a moment the old Conrad was back again.
The silence that followed made Conrad wish he would’ve just given Belly the necklace in the first place. If he had known he was going to say all of that he definitely would have.
It was finally Jeremiah who broke the silence. “Hey Belly.” He said hurriedly. “We should probably get going now if we want to pick up Taylor on time.” Conrad thanked Jeremiah in his mind for breaking the tension.
“Yea, definitely.” Belly said absentmindedly as her attention was finally pulled from Conrad. “Oh, of course! Yep! Let’s get going.” Belly gave Conrad one last look before she followed Jeremiah out of the room.
“You sure you’re alright Conrad?” His mother asked with an almost stunned look on her face.
Conrad laughed at the question. How could he not be ok after seeing Belly light up like that? “Yea, I’m alright mom. But, uh, actually I’ve got to get going too if I’m going to meet Cleveland on time.” Conrad got up and kissed his mom on the cheek before walking out of the room.
“Ok, well, I love you honey!” His mom shouted as Conrad rushed up the steps to his room.
“Love you guys too!” Conrad shouted as he closed his door. He then walked across the room to his desk and opened it up. Carefully, he hid his present for Belly beneath the junk he kept in there. Conrad fell back into his thoughts as he closed the drawer. Obviously, being a jerk to Belly was not something he could do anymore. Not when it hurt them both every time he said something rude to her or pretended that his feeling for her weren’t infinite. He needed her to know that he cared about her. That he needed her. But before he could do that, there were many other things he needed to fix first.