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Lan Wangji thought he knew grief, knew how to handle it, how to deal with it. After all, for so many years he lived with it, embraced it, woke up and went to sleep with it. He learned how to navigate his life with grief, because he has long resigned himself to the fact that unless he dies, he won't rid himself of the feelings, and the memories that came with it. He tamed it down to a dull throb most of the time, and learned to live with the pain. He meditated, busied himself with teaching and sect business, trained with the disciples, answered cases far beyond the mountains of Gusu. For 13 years, he dedicated himself to the clan, to helping people, because while the wound on his back still stings from time to time, it does nothing to soothe the guilt eating him away from the inside out every time he let his mind wander. So he didn't. He tucked away his memory deep, only letting it out once in a while in a night so quiet the whole of Cloud Recesses can hear his grief.
The day Wei Ying came back, the grief was trampled and shrunk down into a ball so small, so minuscule, he barely even noticed it anymore. And he chose to forget about it.
Until last night, when he could feel the talisman he wore on his hips heated up, and at once he knew something had happened to Wei Ying. And from the way Jiang Wanyin raised his voice as Lan Wangji stood up in a hurry, knocked down the cups of tea in front of him, and the way his brother let out his name in concern, he knew that the whole room knew something had happened. Yet Lan Wangji do not, cannot afford to care. He needs to get to Wei Ying, fast.
Running out of the room as the talisman on his hips got hotter, Lan Wangji ripped it off of his belt and focused all his energy into it, watching in anxious trepidation as it starts glowing red. Wei Ying had given the talisman to him last spring, told him that the talisman had a twin, and would notify the other if something happened to its holder that is dire enough to disturb their energy. Given enough energy, the talisman would transport the holder within the vicinity of its twin in a split second. Wei Ying had given it to him with a wink, and followed it with a more serious note that he hoped that neither of them will ever have to use it, that it will just continue being a pretty decoration on their belt, a sign of their union.
In the far distance, he can see the familiar spark of blue exploding: the assistance request signal of the Cloud Recesses disciple. His heart dropped to his stomach, hands shaking as it clutched the talisman.
And in the next moment following, he wouldn't remember Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin asking him what's wrong, and looking at the distress signal in the distance, came to a quiet understanding. He wouldn't remember Jiang Wanyin holding his hand to help transfer energy to the talisman, and ended up coming with him because in his words, 'I know it's Wei Wuxian causing problems again and I'm coming with you to kick his ass', though everyone knew he spoke in opposites when it comes to Wei Ying. He wouldn't remember closing his eyes on the garden of Cloud Recesses and opening it in a clearing in the woods far off the border of Gusu, the worried and scared faces of a dozen disciples looking at him. He wouldn't remember Jiang Wanyin screaming colorful expletives at an unresponsive Wei Ying,
But Lan Wangji would remember the suffocating grief he felt as his sight came down to Wei Ying, slumped off on the trunk of a tree just off the side of the clearing, Sizhui crying over him. And grief was such a strong word, carried such heavy implication, because he didn't even know what state Wei Ying was in. Yet there was nothing else he could use to describe the devastation that ran through his whole being after seeing Wei Ying looked dead . Not after 13 years of resigning himself to this fate, then being handed back the thing he wanted the most, only to have it ripped away from him.
For a split second, he let himself the luxury of thinking that if Wei Ying is dead- if he is gone, then maybe this time Lan Wangji could follow, because he'd had enough of being upstanding, being so strong in his grief, being Hanguang Jun, this time he will-
" Wei Wuxian !"
The strength and raw emotion in Jiang Wanyin's voice startled Lan Wangji out of his stupor, dispersing any other thought from his head except how to help Wei Ying and just like that, the wheels in his head worked again, as he schooled his expression into a calmness that he did not feel. There were enough people scared and freaking out about Wei Ying and if Lan Wangji did not take control of the situation, he might lose his husband ( for good this time , the tiny traitorous voice in his head whispered).
As he crouched down next to Wei Ying, Lan Sizhui turned his head to him and Lan Wangji thought this must be what people mean when they say that heartbreak can kill you. The emotion on Sizhui's face - grief, guilt, fear, anger, desperation - steeled his own resolve on making this right, that he spent 13 years waiting, he would not give up until he was sure that Wei Ying's heart stopped beating under his palm, if not for himself, then for Sizhui.
"Hanguang Jun, there was this demon and it attacked out of nowhere, we’ve never seen anything like it and I- I was stupid and careless and the demon got me but Senior Wei somehow transferred the curse to himself and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry it’s my fault please, please save him -“ Sizhui was far from the calm and collected head disciple that he was, voice cracking under the weight of him own grief as he frantically tried to explain the situation. Twin tracks of tears ran down his face, dripping onto the hand that was still holding Wei Ying’s tight, unwilling to let go.
Lan Wangji saw the carcass of the half-snake, half-wolf demon laid to the side and he understood. Sizhui did not even have to explain, Lan Wangji would have done the same and he knew Wei Ying, knew that he would’ve done everything in his power to keep people he loved safe, let alone their own son.
“ Baba, please save him ,”
With a gentleness Lan Wangji didn't know the other possessed, Jiang Wanyin carefully pulled Sizhui back, giving him space to assess the damage and think.
"Come here," Jiang Wanyin's voice sounded like a growl, but Lan Wangji could hear how much he was trying to hold himself back, that he was so close to snapping but he's trying to hold it together in front of all the disciples and his own nephew. Wei Ying would be proud, Lan Wangji thought again as he gently pried Wei Ying's hand from Sizhui's tight grip.
He allowed himself a split second to look at Sizhui, and there will time later for a talk, when - not if - Wei Ying is well again, but for that moment, he tried to convey as much reassurance as he possibly can in his voice,
"It will be okay, Sizhui,"
As the words left his mouth, Lan Wangji was not sure whether he was convincing his son, or himself. But Lan Sizhui was filial to a fault, and he confided in whatever confidence Lan Wangji could muster within those words, offering him a small nod as he let himself relax ever so slightly in Jiang Wanyin’s hold with Jingyi on his side.
With his son safe, Lan Wangji turned his attention to Wei Ying. It was only a lifetime of practicing self control that prevented him from breaking down then and there because Wei Ying -looks dead, he looks dead what if- looks bad. Gently, he held one hand to Wei Ying’s wrist and another to his neck. He brushed his thumb on Wei Ying’s cold cheek, moving back and forth trying to elicit a response from his husband.
“Wei Ying,” He tried, voice breaking ever so slightly before he steeled himself and tried again. “Wei Ying, sweetheart , can you hear me?”
He got no response, and even though he did not expect one to begin with, he could feel his own heartbeat beating louder and faster, fear leaking through. The pulse beating under his fingers was weak, and Lan Wangji could feel it getting weaker as he steadily transferred spiritual energy to hopefully delay the cursed venom long enough for them to get back to the Cloud Recesses and get help from the healers. Wei Ying was unconscious, he was too empty of anything to begin with and with his newly formed golden core, it's like trying to fill up a cup with a sieve. He can’t do this and fly him home at the same time, and any other option would cost him Wei Ying’s life.
Lan Wangji was so deep inside his own head that he did not realize someone had moved to his side until a gruff voice shocked him out of his reverie.
“What do you need me to do?” Jiang Wanyin asked, hands hovering over his brother as if he’s unsure of what to do, or maybe he’s unsure whether he’s allowed to do anything at all.
For a moment, Lan Wangji shared the sentiment. He’s unsure, did not know what to do with the offer to help. He had never so explicitly been offered one from the other man. Lan Wangji does not like Jiang Wanyin, that much was a fact that all of the cultivation world knows. They might not know the reason behind it, or the degree of it, but by this point every sect knew not to seat them close to each other at conferences and to minimize the amount of interaction they’ve had to have with each other.
But what many might not realize was that after everything that happened, Wei Ying had tried to mend some kind of a relationship with his estranged brother and Jiang Wanyin, in his own prideful and convoluted way, reciprocated in kind. Lan Wangji was nothing if not a dutiful husband and once he knew that Jiang Wanyin no longer held any ill intent for his husband, he could handle being civil with his brother-in-law and tolerate him to a degree.
“ Lan Wangji ,” Jiang Wanyin barked again, almost an order as he’s waiting for a response. “How do you want me to help ?”
In a moment of clarity, realization washed over Lan Wangji. This was not the war 13 years ago where he alone had to defend Wei Ying from the entirety of the cultivation world. This was not the war 13 years ago where he’d had to defend Wei Ying from his own brother. This time, said brother had tried to help. This time, he had helped- and they would be able to get further help and he would be damned if this time around he failed Wei Ying for the second time.
“Spiritual energy transfer, keep it steady. Do not stop. I will fly us back to the Cloud Recesses. The healers would know how to help,”
And as they prepared to fly back to the Cloud Recesses, he could hear Sizhui shouting orders to all the disciples, clearing the space. He could see Jingyi taking pieces of the demon to bring back in case needed for an antidote by the healers. He could feel Jiang Wanyin at his side, hoisting his limp husband on a half carry onto Bichen.
How could he be so arrogant , Lan Wangji thought, flying over the vast mountain range of Gusu Lan, how could he be so arrogant to think that he is the only one that loves Wei Ying.
This time, this time they would save him.