Chapter Text
Chan was ready.
He had been craving it for so long and there was finally, finally, nothing holding him back anymore. The pharmacy bag hanging from his wrist felt like lead weights and he was filled with this sort of eager dread to get home and open it up and finally just be done.
He rounded the corner just as a blur of a person did the same from the other direction, their bodies colliding painfully as Chan was knocked off of his feet. He grabbed onto the other person by reflex, holding them so that he took the brunt of their fall, the other landing on his chest.
The other person grunted on impact before immediately pushing himself up, a litany of apologies falling from his lips.
“Are you okay?” Chan asked, cutting the frantic man off as he pushed himself up too so that they were both sitting on the, thankfully empty, sidewalk.
“Am I okay?” The man exclaimed, leaning forward a bit into Chan’s space as he examined the other. “You’re the one that took the worst of the fall! And I ran into you. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and I—”
“It’s really fine,” Chan assured, pushing himself off of the ground before extending his hand for the other man to take and helping him up as well. “No harm done.”
The man groaned once they were up, looking at Chan’s chest in horror. “Oh my god, yes harm done! Your shirt!”
Chan glanced down, shocked to find it sopping wet, a large brown stain on the once white sweater. On the ground was a plastic cup, the lid popped off and the side cracked, iced coffee in a puddle around it.
“It’s really fine,” Chan mumbled, still staring at the broken cup until he felt a pressure on his chest. He glanced down, shocked to see the boy blotting frantically at the coffee stain with his own sweatshirt sleeve all the while stuttering out a litany of incoherent apologies. “Hey,” he murmured, voice growing soft as he gently reached out to stop the other’s actions, holding him by his shoulders and hating how the boy was shaking under his touch. “It’s really alright. No harm done— promise.”
The boy shook his head, pushing back in to try to clean off the coffee again, shocking Chan with how close he was to another human being. When was the last time he touched someone in more than a passing brush of the fingers as he paid for his groceries?
As a child he had been overly affectionate, both giving and receiving physical affection as easily as breathing, but, since coming to Korea, Chan had lost that closeness with other people, telling himself that he had grown out of it to combat his aching heart any time he saw friends or couples exchanging affectionate touches around him.
Now though, he was faced with a panicked handsy younger boy who was—
Was he taking off his shirt?
Chan did a double take, his protests caught in his throat as the boy ripped off his hoodie and held it out to Chan. “Here,” the boy demanded, pressing the hoodie into Chan’s hands when the elder didn’t immediately accept the clothing. “It’s too cold to be walking around wet and this is all my fault.”
“What?” Chan breathed, horrified at the younger’s declaration. “Absolutely not!” he exclaimed, pushing the hoodie back at the other. He wasn’t about to take this sweet boy’s clothing just because he felt bad. He wasn’t going to need it soon anyways— Chan could handle the cold just fine but he wasn’t about to let this boy get sick because of him. “Then you’ll be cold,” he argued.
“I’ll be fine,” the other insisted, stepping away from the outstretched hoodie as he showed Chan the long sleeved shirt he was wearing underneath the hoodie. “I live just around the corner too so I don’t have to go far but I— I’ll absolutely lose my mind with guilt if I let you leave without making sure that you don’t get sick because I was in a rush and wasn’t watching where I was going.”
Chan shook his head. “You don’t even know me,” he mumbled, arms already lowering dejectedly at the stubborn set of the other man’s shoulders.
“Han Jisung,” the boy replied brightly, though the panicked, frantic look was still eating away behind his eyes. “And I will literally never be able to forgive myself if I can’t do something to make up for this, so— so let me take you out for lunch tomorrow,” he declared. “Give me your sweater— I’ll clean it and get the stain out tonight and tomorrow we can trade back and I can— I can make this whole accident up to you.”
“It’s really okay,” Chan tried to placate weakly.
Jisung’s face turned up pleadingly. “It’s the least I can do,” he begged. “Please.”
And Chan— Chan was a weak man for sad eyes. He sighed, tucking Jisung’s hoodie between his knees before pulling the sweater over his head and handing it over to an elated Jisung.
Tugging the sweatshirt on was earth shattering. It was still warm from Jisung’s body heat and smelled softly of cinnamon and something indistinctly spicy. He wanted to surround himself in that scent— drown in it.
Jisung then plucked Chan’s phone from his pocket, pouting cutely when he was denied access to the device by the password protection. He turned the screen to Chan, giving him another firm pout and waggling the device at him until Chan typed in the password and watched as Jisung navigated to his contacts list.
He saved himself as ‘ Jisungie <3’ before texting his own phone, indicated by a soft ding from his pocket. “There,” he sang, handing Chan his phone back happily. “Now we have each other’s numbers! I’ll text you when I get home, okay? And we can set up a time to get lunch— my treat! To make up for all of this.”
Chan shook his head, a rare smile dancing at the corners of his lips. “This is all really unnecessary,” he tried again, one final time.
“Nope!” Jisung exclaimed, childishly covering his ears. “I can’t hear you! I’ll text you in a few minutes with dinner plans. Bye!” With that, Jisung turned tail and ran the way he had been heading before they had crashed into one another, leaving Chan standing alone on the sidewalk with a dopey grin on his face.
The smile felt out of place on his face and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He couldn’t remember the last time he had smiled accidentally; it was weird but it wasn’t bad. He slowly shook his head to clear it before continuing on his way home, pharmacy bag nudging his thigh insistently with every step.
Chan’s apartment still looked the same when he got home and for some reason that didn’t feel right, like somehow just meeting Jisung was supposed to have changed something. He sighed, flopping down on his couch and setting the bag on his coffee table. His stomach was churning as he stared at the bag until he pushed himself forward and pulled the sleeping pills from it and set the bottle on the table.
Honestly, Chan wasn't sure whether that made the churning better or worse. He reached for the lid just as his phone chimed, making him jump. He quickly shook his head and changed his trajectory to pick up the cell phone instead.
Jisungie <3
... I never got your name (*/ω＼)
Chan couldn’t help the soft puff of air that escaped his lips, a ghost of a laugh that startled him as he shook his head again.
It’s Bang Chan
His finger hovered over the send button, second guessing his wording and questioning whether or not he was supposed to add an emoji to make his response seem friendlier.
Jisungie <3
I feel like such an idiot.
Chan hit send and then started typing some more.
You’re not an idiot. You were flustered and embarrassed.
It was cute.
Chan groaned, dropping his head into his hands as he practically threw his phone onto the cushion next to him. He’d hit send before he had even realized what he was doing and now he had made it awkward for the sweet man. This was why he didn’t text people. He always overthought everything except for when he didn’t think at all and ended up saying something completely stupid and inappropriate.
Jisungie <3
You think I’m cute?
uwu I’m blushing.
Mr. Bang, you’re going to have to pay my medical bills. I think I’m having heart palpitations.
Another smile crept onto Chan’s lips as he leaned back against the couch, resting his phone on a pillow he’d stuffed into his lap.
I sincerely apologize. I am, unfortunately, broke though, so I don’t think I can pay your bills for you.
Jisung sent back a laughing emoji before quick-firing a list of questions ranging from what Chan’s favorite anime was to what year he was born that made his head spin as he tried to answer them all in the correct order.
Jisungie <3
Ah, you’re my hyung then.
Can I call you hyung? I did spill coffee on you, that’s gotta at least make us more than acquaintances.
Chan was floored as he gave Jisung the go-ahead. He’d never been a hyung before with the exception of his little brother but they rarely ever used the honorifics in Australia.
Jisung continued to text Chan all evening, even sending Chan a picture of what he made himself for dinner as he asked the elder what he was eating. Chan had to quickly rummage through his cupboards until he found a package of instant noodles and prepared them so that he could send a picture back (per Jisung’s request).
The whole time they were texting, the smile never left Chan’s face. Eventually Jisung bid him a good night and reminded him that they were getting lunch at noon. Chan set his phone down, shocked to see that the battery was nearly dead, only to spot the sleeping pills sitting innocently on his coffee table.
Tomorrow, he promised himself as he got up from the couch to get ready for bed, leaving the bottle where it was. He’d have one last good meal with Jisung and then everything would finally be over.
Chan was at the cafe he was supposed to meet Jisung at earlier than he’d meant to. He was sitting at one of the window tables, playing with the straw in his iced tea as he watched people walk by outside. With every person that passed, Chan’s anxiety nestled a bit heavier in his stomach. He kept thinking about how he could just leave the sweatshirt with the girl at the front counter for Jisung and just leave, go home and forget all about this.
But then Chan would remember how excited Jisung was to have lunch with him and the guilt would secure him in place, not wanting Jisung to think that he did something wrong.
Said man burst through the door of the cafe dramatically three minutes past noon, startling every customer in the building as he bent over to hold onto his knees as he caught his breath. He looked just as harried as he stood back up and looked around the cafe nervously, relief flooding his face when he spotted Chan.
“Hyung!” he called, waving to the elder as he weaved through the chairs, nearly tripping over a lady’s bag. “Thanks for waiting, I’m so sorry I’m late, the bus was running behind and I swear I didn’t mean to make you wait for me. Have you gotten food yet?”
Chan laughed, barely able to contain the startled expression at how loudly he laughed. “I haven’t ordered yet, Jisung-ah,” he said. “And you’re not late, you don’t have to apologize even if you were late.”
Jisung pouted, dropping his bag onto the floor next to the chair across from Chan. “It’s not polite to keep people waiting— especially people you dumped coffee on the day before,” he countered. “What do you want to eat, hyung?”
“Ah, you don’t have to buy my food, Jisung,” he stuttered. “I can get it.”
The younger pointed a threatening finger at Chan, freezing him in place before he could stand up from his chair fully. “Don’t you dare, hyung,” he scolded. “This is my apology lunch. Sit down and tell me what you’d like to eat— please.”
Chan swallowed down another laugh, unable to push the image of an angrily chittering squirrel from his head as he watched Jisung get his way. “I’ll eat whatever,” he said before pausing. “Well— whatever’s not spicy. I’m not picky.”
Jisung beamed at him and nodded, leaving him at the table with one more firm finger waggle to go order their food. He came back a few minutes later with an iced coffee and another iced tea that he set down next to Chan’s nearly empty glass.
“Ah— thank you, Jisung-ah,” he said, taken aback by the younger’s thoughtfulness.
“No problem, hyung,” he chirped, taking a large gulp of his own drink. “Our food’s gonna be a couple of minutes. Tzuyu said she’d bring it over for us though.”
Chan smiled a bit awkwardly at the younger man. “You come here often?”
Jisung laughed, nodding his head. “I work here,” he admitted after his laughter had died down. “Noona gives me a discount even when I’m not on the clock and besides, the food is really good. What do you do, hyung?”
Chan shrugged. “I work at a grocery store,” he replied reluctantly. “Nothing exciting.”
“That’s okay, hyung,” Jisung said, patting the elder’s hand that was resting on the table next to his drink. “We all have crappy jobs sometimes. Tell me— what’s your dream job?”
He shrugged again. “I like music— making it, I mean,” he finally said. “I actually moved to Korea to study music production.”
JIsung’s eyes widened in excitement, taking a large sip of his iced coffee as he stared at Chan in wonder. “Oh my god, that’s so cool, hyung,” he exclaimed. “I’m studying music production right now— I’m actually in my last year. What are the odds— you have to let me listen to some of your tracks some time, Chan-hyung.”
“Sure,” he agreed easily, knowing that he wasn’t planning on meeting up with this kid again, no matter how much he enjoyed hanging out with him.
“You’ll get a gig, soon, hyung,” Jisung promised. “And I’ll help you promote your songs at my college too!”
Chan shook his head, a sad smile taking over his face. “That’s alright, Jisung-ah,” he murmured. “No one wants a producer without a degree. I’ve already tried everywhere.”
Jisung’s happy expression dropped into one of confusion. “But you said you came here to study music?” he said.
“I did. But... everything is expensive here— apartments, food, books— and I worked myself into exhaustion trying to keep a roof over my head while I was in school. I let my grades slip and I was kicked out— they’ve got really high standards for foreigners. I... didn’t want to go home a failure so...”
“So you stayed,” Jisung finished sadly. “That’s horrible, hyung— and totally not fair. Just because you’re on your own doesn’t mean you should be punished for it. What does your family think you’re doing?”
Chan shrugged. “I don't know honestly. They didn’t want me to leave in the first place— thought I was running after a pipe dream, you know? The only person I still talk to is my little sister and she never asks about my music and I never say anything. I think she knows I failed and is just too polite to say anything.”
Jisung shook his head firmly, a stern frown marring his face. “You’ve been set back, hyung,” he corrected. “You haven’t failed. I believe in you.”
Chan smiled again, feeling an odd sort of fondness welling up in his chest for the younger man. “Thank you, Jisung-ah,” he replied just as a young woman who he assumed was Tzuyu brought them their food.
They both thanked her as she quickly disappeared back to the front registers. Jisung had gotten Chan a sandwich— the same one he had on his own plate— and they dug in, their conversation turning to lighter topics as they traded facts about one another.
After they had finished eating, Jisung led Chan out of the building and down the street towards a park while they continued to chat with one another. They made themselves at home on one of the park’s benches, giggling behind their hands at all of the strange people that walked by them.
They stopped at a food stall when their stomachs grumbled unhappily at the late hour, Chan insisting on paying for both of them. They ate under an awning, trading bites of meat between themselves. Jisung insisted on walking Chan home no matter how many times the elder tried to tell him that he would be fine. He ended up coming to his apartment with him when he realized that he’d needed to use the restroom, hurrying into Chan’s bathroom when he pointed it out while Chan busied himself in his kitchen, fixing two mugs of hot chocolate.
Jisung came back out with a sigh of relief and a dopey smile on his face before he caught sight of Chan’s coffee table. “Do you have trouble sleeping, hyung?” he asked, worry seeping into his tone.
Chan startled, shocked to see he had forgotten all about the bottle of sleeping pills sitting right in the middle of his living room. “Ah— yeah, sometimes,” he replied, handing one of the mugs to the younger man who accepted it gratefully, wrapping his fingers around the ceramic to warm them up after having been outside all afternoon.
“Be careful with those, hyung,” he said, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. “I heard it’s really easy to overdose with them.”
Guilt welled in his stomach, settling like a rock. “I will, Jisung-ah,” he lied. “Hyung promises.”
Jisungie <3
Hyuuuuuung
Can you come listen to one of my tracks tomorrow please?
I’ll buy you anything you want from the campus cafe
I just really need another set of ears
Chan stared down at his phone, a laugh bubbling up in his chest. Jisung had only left his house an hour ago and he was already messaging him again. Chan felt wanted for the first time in a long time and he never wanted that feeling to end.
I get done with work at 8 but I’m free after
Jisung’s reply was almost instantaneous, Chan could feel his excitement through the text and it made him smile.
Jisungie <3
That’s perfect! I get done with work at 8 too!
I can pick you up on my way back to campus.
Chan sent an affirmative reply, unable to keep the stupid smile off of his lips as Jisung went into a tangent about how he got home to find his roommate watching porn at full volume and how the guy hadn’t even had the decency to turn it off or stop what he was doing. Jisung had quickly ducked out of his room, disgusted, and was now sitting in the lobby of his dorm waiting for his roommate to either leave for a party or fall asleep.
Chan kept him company through text, unaware of the hours ticking by until it was nearly three in the morning and Jisung was saying goodbye for the night, reminding Chan again that he’d pick him up from his house a little after eight. Chan fell to sleep with a smile on his face that night.
In the morning, as he was getting ready for work, Chan noticed the bottle once again. He had moved it over to his kitchen counter after hanging out with Jisung the night before and had had plans to take them once he had left but now—
Now Chan had plans with Jisung again. And Chan didn’t want him to worry about him if he saw the bottle out again so he quickly shoved it into his medicine cabinet, promising himself that he’d finally take say goodbye after this.
Work was a strong reminder of why Chan no longer wanted to exist. He stood there, staring resolutely at the floor as his boss berated him for calling in the day before his day off. He regretted coming in, especially since he didn’t really plan on coming back, but a part of him couldn’t just walk away from responsibilities no matter how much they didn’t matter in the long run.
“Are you even listening to me, Bang?” his boss growled.
Chan lifted his head, nodding slowly. “Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to get sick before my day off.”
“Be sure it doesn’t happen again,” the older man hissed. “Now stop slacking off and get back to work.”
Chan nodded again, ducking out of his boss’s office and heading immediately to the stockroom to get to work. Knowing that he wasn’t going to be able to take a break today since he ‘decided to slack off’ when he first clocked in, he made sure to pace himself, not wanting to be overly exhausted when he met up with Jisung. It didn’t matter though, since by the time he was clocking out, Chan was dragging his feet in exhaustion anyways. He didn’t know how he was going to walk all the way home but knowing that Jisung would be left waiting if he didn’t go spurred him on.
“Hyung!” Jisung called a block before Chan got to his apartment, the younger boy jogging towards him, coming from the direction of the cafe. “How was work?” he asked once he was close enough, nudging their shoulders as he fell into step beside the elder.
He shrugged, feeling the way his sweatshirt brushed against Jisung’s coat at the movement. “It was work,” he replied halfheartedly, unable to keep the exhaustion from his voice. “Long.”
Jisung frowned, tilting his head to get a better look at the elder. “You look exhausted, hyung,” he commented worriedly. “Maybe we shouldn’t go to the studio tonight.”
Chan shook his head, widening his eyes. “I’m fine,” he said hurriedly. “Totally good. I just need some coffee and I’ll be good to go.”
The younger didn’t look too pleased with his response but nodded all the same. “My treat, hyung,” he said, linking their arms together as he led Chan the rest of the way back to his apartment so that he could change out of his sweaty uniform. Jisung waited in the living room while Chan threw on some comfier clothes, talking to him through the closed door about some of the more colorful patrons he’d served that day. “This one lady literally came in with a bird in her hat, hyung,” he crowed as Chan exited his bedroom, now in a pair of black sweats and a thick matching hoodie. “A literal, alive bird. And then she tried to argue that it was a service animal and that we couldn’t kick her out because of it as it literally shit all over the floor.”
“Did you kick her out?” he asked as he stuffed his wallet, keys, and phone into his pockets before leading the younger back out.
“Of course we did,” he laughed. “She called the cops on us and tried to file a complaint but then the bird bit the officer and he just escorted her out and told her she was banned from coming back and that the next time her bird bit someone she would be arrested for assault. I don’t know how much truth was behind his threat but dear god was the look on her face worth it.”
Chan laughed with Jisung, leaning into the younger man when he linked their arms again and led him to his campus. It was the same one Chan had gone to and the nostalgia hit him like a punch to the gut as he took the lead towards the music studios. “I bet,” he murmured distractedly as he gazed up at the music building.
Jisung trailed his hand down Chan’s arm until he could intertwine their fingers. “Is this where you went to school, hyung?” he asked.
The elder nodded distractedly, watching as Jisung swiped his ID card and let them into the building. “Yeah,” he whispered, looking around. “It hasn’t changed much.”
“Heating is still shitty too,” Jisung added, gently pulling Chan along as he led the way to the elevators. They got up to the studio rooms and Jisung led him down to the end of the hall. “This is mine— well not really— but all of the other music majors know that this is the one I always use and so everyone leaves it to me since I practically live here.”
Chan released a soft laugh, trailing his hand over the worn wood of the desk. “It’s got the best soundproofing,” he murmured. “It was mine while I was here too.”
Jisung gasped, grabbing onto the elder’s shoulders in his excitement. “Seriously, hyung? Oh my god— this is fate! I was meant to spill my coffee on you so that we could meet and you could get into music again. What if we made a song together? Oh that would be so cool!”
Chan laughed, watching as Jisung released him only to bounce around the room until he got all of his energy out. “You don’t even know if I’m good, Jisungie,” he replied once they were both sitting at the computer.
“I just have a feeling, hyung,” Jisung sang, handing a pair of over-the-ear headphones to the elder. “Now— listen to this and tell me what you think, please. And don’t hold back— I am a senior— I have thick skin, I can take it.”
“It’s good,” Chan murmured as he took his headphones off after his third play-through of the song. “Your lyrics and tempo are great and you’ve got a good beat. It does feel like it’s missing something though, right after the bridge.”
Jisung nodded along to him, eyes wide and earnest as he looked up at the elder. “I thought that too, but I wasn’t sure if I was just imagining it.”
“It almost feels like you lost a melody,” Chan murmured, clicking around in the audio file. “Here—”
The two of them bent over the computer, trying out different combinations of instruments and beat drops, chatting quietly between them. It wasn’t until the janitor knocked on the door that the two of them even realized that it was well into the early morning.
“Ah, shit,” Chan hissed, leaning back into his chair as he scrubbed at his face. “I got work in a few hours.”
“And I have class— damn it,” Jisung grumbled, saving the file and shutting down the computer. “Wanna go get some breakfast, hyung?”
Chan nodded and let Jisung wrap himself around one of his arms as they made their way out of the building. Jisung stopped off at his dorm to change into fresh clothes and grab his backpack before leading the way to a twenty-four hour breakfast diner next to the campus. They snagged a booth in the corner and scoured the menu together.
“I had fun,” Jisung murmured once they had placed their orders with the waitress. “Making music with you is really great and I learned a lot.”
“I couldn’t have taught you that much,” Chan laughed tiredly. “You’re farther in the program than I got.”
Jisung blinked at him stupidly. “Hyung,” he deadpanned. “You are literally so talented. The school are literal idiots for kicking you out when they should have been doing everything they could to keep you.”
Chan smiled, ducking his head in embarrassment. “Thank you, Jisung-ah,” he murmured.
“No, thank you,” Jisung insisted. “We’re gonna make such good music together and then we’re gonna get famous so you can rub it in all those stupid board members’ faces.”
That made Chan laugh, his chest feeling lighter than it had in ages as he settled in to eat breakfast with the younger. Afterwards, Jisung insisted on walking Chan back to his apartment before his first class since Chan had an earlier shift than he normally did.
“Text me when you get done, hyung,” Jisung asked, leaning on Chan’s bed as he changed into his work uniform. “I’ll bring over some food and we can binge a shitty drama and fall asleep in front of the TV.”
Chan smiled, slipping his shirt over his head. “I thought you had class?”
“Morning classes,” Jisung replied with a wave of his hand. “I have the afternoon off, but so does my roommate so it’s not like I’m going to be able to sleep so I figured we could hang out together. I like spending time with you, hyung, but I— I can back off if I’m being too much. My friends say I am a lot.”
Chan’s smile slipped and he moved to sit down on the bed next to the younger. “You’re not ‘too much,’ Jisungie,” he murmured. “I like how excited you are— please don’t change, okay? I’ll text you when I’m done and we can watch shitty dramas and fall asleep in front of the TV.”
Jisung beamed, nodding his head excitedly as he dove in to hug Chan, startling the elder. It took Chan a few seconds to process what was happening and then another couple of seconds to return the hug, albeit a bit stiffly. The younger man held on for a few moments longer and Chan found himself leaning into him as he pulled back before he caught himself and let Jisung go.
The younger had a weird look on his face that Chan couldn’t place but he quickly smothered it with another blinding smile. “You should text me on your break, too, hyung,” he demanded. “Classes are boring— please feel free to bother me all morning.”
Chan laughed weakly. “If my boss wasn’t a dictator I would, but we’re not allowed to have our phones on us.”
“That’s so lame,” Jisung pouted, following Chan out of his bedroom as he grabbed his things again. “Fine, then I’ll send you some memes to make you laugh when you get out of work— and to remind you that I’m here and ready for some bad acting and greasy food.”
“I don’t think I could forget you, Jisung-ah,” Chan murmured, stepping out of his apartment with the younger trailing after him.
“In a good way, right?”
Chan nodded, shooting Jisung a fond, genuine smile. “Definitely a good way.”
Chan found himself smiling all throughout his shift despite the glare his boss gave him every time he caught his happy expression. It was such a foreign feeling to Chan to feel excited for something and not even his crappy boss or his exhaustion could dampen his good mood. He texted Jisung the second he clocked out, getting a reply almost immediately from the younger man informing him that he was on his way. It put a pep in Chan’s step as he walked home.
“I am dead,” Jisung proclaimed, standing outside of Chan’s apartment complex with a bag from the fried chicken place down the street and a wide smile. “I don’t know how you worked, hyung. I barely made it through my classes and all I had to do was sit there.”
Chan chuckled, patting the top of Jisung’s head fondly as he unlocked the door, letting the younger charge ahead of him and lead the way to his apartment. “It’s easier to ignore exhaustion when you’re moving,” he murmured, opening his apartment door and watching as Jisung kicked off his shoes before making his way to Chan’s kitchen and depositing the bag on the counter. He made himself at home as he started to look through Chan’s cupboards, pulling out plates, cups, and silverware for the two of them.
“Aish, hyung,” Jisung fretted, going over to the refrigerator and peeking inside. “You need to go grocery shopping.”
Chan laughed uncomfortably, going over to help plate up their food. “Yeah, I’m bad about that,” he replied. “I always leave it for the last minute.”
Jisung hugged his arm, pressing his cheek to Chan’s shoulder. “I’ll come with you, hyung,” he proclaimed. “Chores are always more fun with friends.” He released Chan after another few seconds of cuddling, clapping his hands in excitement. “Okay, food! Let’s eat, hyung.”
They brought their food over to Chan’s coffee table, snagging the pillows off of his couch to cushion their butts as they sat down on the floor. Jisung pulled out his laptop and set it up between them, navigating to his Netflix app and pulling up a drama he promised Chan that was absolutely terrible.
The two of them leaned against one another as they ate, heads knocking every so often as they tried to see the screen. At some point, they both ended up on the couch, Chan half sitting, half lying across his couch with Jisung sprawled on top of him. It was strange, not only how fast Jisung had inserted himself into Chan’s life but also how easily Chan had shifted to make space for him. Jisung was a warm weight across his lap, his chuckles shaking Chan every once in a while as one of characters on screen said something mindbogglingly stupid.
It wasn’t long before Jisung fell asleep on top of Chan, his soft breathing lulling Chan to sleep as well. When he woke up, the apartment was blanketed in darkness, the only light coming from the street lamp outside of his window. Jisung was still sprawled on top of him, having at some point climbed further into Chan’s lap and now had his head resting on Chan’s chest, tiny snores escaping his lips every once in a while.
Chan shifted carefully, tugging his phone out from where it had fallen in between the cushions of the couch. It was nearly two in the morning, and Chan sighed, setting his phone back down on the couch before gently rubbing Jisung’s back, trying to wake the younger without startling him.
“Sung-ah,” he whispered, hand trailing up to pet the back of Jisung’s head.
Jisung moaned, pressing his cheek against Chan’s chest as he tried to hide.
“Sungie,” Chan tried again, trying to muffle his laughter. “We can’t sleep on the couch, Sung. You’ll regret it in the morning. Come on, let’s go to bed. You can sleep with hyung, okay?”
The younger man moaned again but clumsily pushed himself up into a sitting position, eyes still closed as he swayed. Chan slipped out from under him and stood up before helping Jisung up as well, wrapping an arm around the younger’s waist as he led him into his bedroom and helped him down on his bed.
“You want some pajamas, Jisung-ah?” he asked, petting a hand through the younger’s bangs in an attempt to keep him awake long enough to get him out of his jeans at least.
Jisung huffed, grappling at the button on his pants. He fought with it for a few moments before giving up and flopping his arms down by his side. “Hyung,” he whined, kicking his legs weakly. “Help.”
Chan laughed, unbuttoning Jisung’s pants and helping him slide them off of his hips. “You want some pajama pants?”
Jisung pouted and shook his head, making grabby hands towards the elder. “Just you,” he grumbled, sounding already halfway back to sleep. “You said we were gonna go back to bed.”
“Alright,” Chan cooed, kicking off his own pants and crawling into his bed with the younger. “Let’s go back to sleep, Sungie.”
The younger immediately latched onto Chan the second he was lying down next to him, throwing an arm and a leg over Chan and pinning him to the bed. Chan melted into the embrace. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been held like this— had he ever? He’d held his younger siblings before when they were kids but they’d never held on as tightly as Jisung currently was. Chan found himself falling back asleep before he had even realized what was going on.
The next time Chan awoke, the sun was streaming through his blinds and Jisung was no longer on top of him. He felt a pang of hurt that the younger had left without saying goodbye before he realized that his shower was on and there was someone singing. He felt himself deflate against his pillows, sighing in relief that Jisung was still here.
He laid there for a few more minutes until he heard the water shut off and his bathroom door open. Jisung walked back in, flinching like a startled deer when he spotted Chan sitting up in bed.
“Ah— Good morning, hyung,” he greeted. “I used your shower, I hope you don't mind.”
Chan smiled and shook his head, trying to ignore the way the water droplets ran in rivulets down Jisung’s exposed abs. “Want something clean to change into?” he asked, already heaving himself out of bed. “I’m pretty sure we’re about the same size.”
Jisung beamed, padding over to Chan with his bare feet, holding onto the towel around his waist tightly as he examined the clothes that Chan pulled out of his closet for him. “You’re a lifesaver, hyung,” he sang, accepting the small pile gratefully. “What time do you have to work today?”
Chan frowned, crossing the room to check his schedule on his phone and noting that the device was almost dead. He plugged it into the charger by his bed. “Eleven,” he replied, tugging his hoodie over his head. “What time do you have classes?”
“Nine,” Jisung pouted before turning around to change. Chan swallowed as he tried and failed not to look at the younger. Jisung was fit, with smooth skin and lean muscles, and Chan felt something in him stir at seeing so much of Jisung. “I wanted to leave with you though. Maybe I should just skip my first class.”
“You absolutely will not,” Chan scolded. “Your education is important— and you’re so close to your goal. I will not be the reason you don’t succeed.”
Jisung pouted again, turning back around, now fully dressed. “That’s not fair, hyung. Who said you could be the responsible one?”
Chan smiled and nodded towards the door. “Come on,” he said. “I think I have enough to whip up something for breakfast before you have to leave.”
“We can go grocery shopping when you get home, hyung,” Jisung offered, trailing after Chan like a puppy.
“I have to close tonight, Jisung-ah,” Chan replied, pulling out some eggs. “Can you check to see if I still have some bread in the cupboard? I don’t work tomorrow, though, so I’ll probably go then.”
Jisung padded over to the cupboard, pulling out a partial loaf of bread and inspecting it to make sure it was still good before sticking a few slices in the toaster. “I don't have any classes tomorrow, hyung,” he said. “I could come... you know— if you don’t mind, that is. I thought maybe we could go for a walk too? There are some really cool buskers downtown that always perform on Fridays.”
“That sounds fun,” Chan murmured, dividing the finished scrambled eggs between two plates that Jisung had grabbed.
“It’s a date then!” Jisung sang, adding the toast to both of their plates before turning around and snagging two forks from the drawer behind him. “What time will you wake up? We can get your groceries in the morning, put them away, and then have lunch before we go downtown.”
Chan smiled, sitting down on the floor of his living room next to Jisung. “I’ll probably be up by like... ten? Is that too late?”
Jisung shook his head, smiling widely. “Ten’s perfect, hyung,” he chirped. “Any earlier and I’d probably not make it. I’m definitely not an early riser.”
“Me too,” Chan said, smiling at the younger.
“You still have to let me listen to some of your songs, hyung,” Jisung said suddenly, nearly startling Chan. “We made music together the other night but I never got to listen to any Bang originals!”
Chan rolled his eyes. “They’re nothing earth shattering, Sung-ah,” he mumbled. “They’re honestly super generic and boring. Really not worth your time, if I’m being honest.”
Jisung raised one of his eyebrows, swallowing the eggs in his mouth before replying. “Are they really? Or are they just ‘generic and boring’ because you’ve heard them a thousand times while you made them? Don’t let yourself be the judge of your creativity, hyung. Let other people decide how ‘boring’ your music is. Like me— I want to hear them.”
Chan frowned, staring down at his half-eaten breakfast thoughtfully. He remembered that speech from his first music production class in college and had completely let it slip his mind as the years went by. He thought about his soundcloud— wondered how his newest mixtape was doing. He hadn’t planned on being around long enough to find out whether or not anyone liked it, though he leaned heavily towards it flopping just because it was him and everything he’s done has been a failure.
With Jisung though, everything seemed a little less daunting, a little more bearable— hopeful.
He pulled out his phone, squinting down at his screen as he debated before finally typing out his username and hitting send.
CB97
“That’s my soundcloud name,” he said, setting his phone face down on the coffee table. “Please don’t listen to anything in front of me. I think I’ll die of embarrassment.”
Jisung squealed, nodding his head furiously. “I promise, hyung. God— I’m so excited.”
Chan shot him a pained grin, nervous butterflies swarming in his stomach. “Just don’t get your expectations too high, Sungie,” he warned. “I’m really not that great.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” the younger sang, wiggling happily in his seat. “You just gave me the single best motivation to get me through my classes today, hyung,” he proclaimed. “I’m not looking until I’m done for the day, otherwise, I’ll probably spend all day listening instead of attending classes and then you’ll give me a look.”
“I don’t have a look,” Chan squawked, staring at the other in horror. “Do I have a look?”
Jisung burst into happy giggles, nodding his head. “It’s a dad look, hyung. But it’s okay because I appreciate it. I definitely need someone to give me that look every once in a while.”
Chan nodded wearily before pointing to Jisung’s plate. “You should finish up. The campus is a fifteen minute walk from here.”
The younger’s head bobbed obediently as he shoveled the last remaining bites into his mouth hurriedly. “Thank you for breakfast, hyung,” he chirped as he took both of their plates into the kitchen. “And for letting me spend the night. I’m really glad I met you and I’m looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow— and listening to your songs tonight.”
“I’m glad I met you too, Jisung-ah,” he murmured, watching on sadly as the younger gathered his things and stuffed his feet into his shoes.
“Can I call you tonight?” Jisung asked as he opened the front door. “After you’re done with work?”
Chan smiled, nodding his head as he grabbed onto the doorknob when Jisung backed out reluctantly into the hall. “I’d like that,” he murmured, watching as the younger took a few more hesitant steps away from Chan’s apartment. “I’ll text you when I get home.”
Jisung nodded and smiled at the elder before waving and finally turning around to make his way to class. “See you tomorrow, hyung!” he called as he got to the stairwell, shooting one more excited smile at Chan before disappearing from his sight.
Chan stood in his doorway for a few more moments before shaking his head and stepping back into his apartment. He brought his hands up to his cheeks, rubbing at the sore muscles for a few moments as he relished at the feeling, knowing that it was because he had been smiling so much in the last few days. With a sigh, Chan quickly washed up their dishes before hopping in the shower.
As he got out, he caught sight of himself in the mirror of his medicine cabinet. He was suddenly reminded of what he had inside and how much it called to him. He opened it up, fingers shaking as he gripped the bottle. Every negative emotion slammed into him again like a freight train as he twisted the safety cap of the bottle, round and round but never taking it off. Jisung’s face popped up in his mind as tears welled in his eyes.
Was one boy really going to stop Chan? He felt like all Jisung was doing was delaying the inevitable. Jisung couldn’t really make Chan’s worthless life worth living, right? Chan was a failure and a waste of space. If he died, the only person that would miss him might be Jisung but... but they hadn’t known each other long so the younger man would get over him quickly. Chan was sure he had plenty of other friends to fill the very minuscule void he’d leave behind.
And the longer Chan stayed, the more it would hurt when Jisung inevitably got bored of him. Jisung had his whole life to look forward to and Chan had already wasted his. It would be better for the both of them if he just took himself out of the picture completely.
He pushed down on the lid and twisted, taking it off completely before peeling the seal off with shaking fingers.
Jisungie <3
Dude is it gay to say I miss you already?
Chan glanced down at his phone, not expecting the loud ping in his otherwise silent apartment.
Jisungie <3
Class has only just started and I’m already over it. Why’d I let you make me be responsible?
Literally the only thing that’s going to get me through the day is knowing I get to see you again tomorrow.
Chan set the bottle down on the edge of the sink, staring at his phone uncomprehendingly.
Jisungie <3
Have a good day at work, hyung. And I hope you know that I’m going to live react to your soundcloud later. I’m literally so excited. I even covered up what you sent until I get home tonight because I want it to be a complete surprise.
Maybe Chan could wait a bit longer. At least until Jisung lost interest. He didn’t want to hurt him, after all.
I look forward to seeing you too.
He put the cap back on the bottle and returned it to the cabinet before going to his bedroom to get ready for his shift.