Chapter Text
Sometimes Nicky woke up in horror from nightmares, gasping for breath.
Sometimes he saw his younger brother, with sore eyes and hands shaking from pain.
Sometimes he heard the maniacal laughter of his other brother as he wrapped himself in a bloody sheet.
Sometimes it was Kevin with a broken arm, washing down his grief with vodka.
Sometimes it was the disfigured Neil whispering: " The car cigarette lighter."
Sometimes it was Seth, dying alone.
Sometimes it was Allison who was indifferent to everything and Matt who failed the Andrew's test night.
Sometimes he dreamed of Renee and Dan with wide eyes in beautiful dresses lying in cramped coffins.
Sometimes he still heard the whisper of his mother's prayers and felt the pain from his father's belt.
"Repent, Nicholas! Repent of your sins!"
And he knew it was over. Nicky did it. He survived. He needs to pull himself together and think about others. About Aaron, Andrew, Kevin and Neil. He needs to stop focusing on himself, stop being selfish and think about other Foxes who had real problems. Not like his.
Nicky's problems weren't as obvious as the twins', his injuries weren't exposed like Neil's, and he didn't have the right to complain about life like Kevin. In fact, he wasn't burned out and broken, he wasn't crushed and traumatized. He was just silly and fun Nicky. Too loud, too active, too intrusive and just too much. Nicky had no right to count himself among them, he was a Fox not because he was one of them.
But while his breathing was still not restored, and adrenaline ran through his veins, preventing him from falling asleep again in the early morning, Nicky had a hard time convincing himself of this.
...
In fact, the pain never stopped. And it was incredibly exhausting to forgive, forgive, forgive and never get anything back.
Everyone knew better than to joke with Andrew. This could be costly for the daredevil who decided to laugh at him. Nicky knew this too, but he was wrong too often for his own good. Over and over again, stepping on the same rake. He tried to joke, have fun and maintain a light atmosphere. As a result, all he heard in response was a rude: “Shut up, Nicky!”
Aaron, although he was called the "normal" Minyard behind his back, had the same terrible character as his twin brother. He was always sarcastic, and his short temper was painful even on good days. But lately, jealousy for his twin, fatigue from exhausting training and preparation for exams have fallen on him, turning him from an ordinary grumpy guy into a time bomb. And Nicky could never stay away for long.
Not so long ago, hurtful comments and arguments wouldn't have affected him so much. Nicky would have laughed it off and hushed up the conflict, without even demanding a regular apology. But in recent days, the words had hurt him much more than before.
Slowly, step by step, word by word, quarrel by quarrel, Nicky sank deeper and deeper into the abyss of despair. His own insecurities and complexes blossomed with renewed vigor. Nicky felt out of place.
Constantly surrounded by his team, brothers and other students, Nicky felt completely alone. Even more often he caught himself thinking this way not when he was alone, but when he was in a room full of people and no one noticed him.
Calling Erik was his only salvation. Every time he felt like he couldn't cope, he picked up the phone. Not paying attention to the giggles and jokes, he would put a wide smile on his face, joke and leave with a wink, trying to hold back his tears. But this was not enough for Nicky. He missed not only his boyfriend incredibly, but also his touch. Nicky could not imagine that someday he would even dream of a simple hug. He needed someone nearby like air, someone who would hug him when things were especially bad. Someone who would notice that his smile is fake and his stupid jokes only distract from his true feelings.
"You're exhausting."
Nicky heard.
"You're annoying. Shut up and leave us alone."
They spoke.
And he did. He clenched his teeth tighter, stretched his lips into a smile and hid his trembling hands in his pockets.
He could take it a little longer.It was for the sake of the family.
For the sake of the family, which apparently only he needed. Aaron preferred to spend time with Katelyn and, at any opportunity, ran into her arms, rejecting any attempts by Nicky to start a conversation. And Andrew didn’t seem to see him at all. After that one time when he stood up for him near the club and beat up Nicky’s offenders, it seemed that they became strangers. And Nicky would think it was just Andrew's quirk. That he is cold even to the people he loves. But right in front of his eyes was Neil, who Andrew actually cared about. Kevin, as always, only saw exies. And Nicky was left alone trying to convince himself that everything was okay.
"Everything is fine."
He smiled tensely, when he asked about plans for the evening and the offer to spend time together, he was once again rudely refused.
"Of course, I understand everything. I...I have a lot to do too."
Nicky locked himself in the room and just stood with his back to the closed door for several minutes, trying to figure out what to do. In the end, he fell weakly onto the bed, hiding his face in the pillow, without even taking off his shoes, as if his battery had simply run out. His Erik would definitely be horrified by this sight. In his family, it was not customary to wear shoes around the house or go to bed in street clothes. But Erik was not there and no one could take care of him. No one untied his laces or took the tight sneakers off his tired feet. No one helped him change into comfortable home clothes. No one cared at all what happened to him.
He only had enough strength to pull the phone out of his pocket and dial a familiar number.
"Hello! Nicky, best du hier, meine Liebe?¹"
Erik always answered the phone, at any time of the day or night he was ready to listen and help. His sweet and such an understanding boyfriend. As soon as the painfully familiar voice was heard from the speakers of the phone, Nicky could no longer hold back.
"Erik."
Erik was probably the only person who didn't buy into his fake cheerfulness and always knew when something was wrong. Every time he seemed to feel and hear something in Nicky’s voice, unmistakably catching his bad mood.
"Ich bin hier. Sprich mit mir Liebling. Was it passiert?²"
How much Nicky missed him. Tears welled up in his eyes, and from severe trembling he was unable to squeeze out a single normal word.
"I don’t...ich kann nicht...ich kann nicht...I just...Erik...³"
Nicky whispered, switching from English to German, huddling on the bed and closing his eyes until bright spots were visible.
"Shhh Shhh, ich bin hier, meine Liebe. Willst du, dass ich rede? Möchtest du meiner Stimme zuhören, während du dich beruhigst? Mhm?⁴"
Erik whispered in a worried voice and Nicky couldn’t stand it, starting to sob.
"Ja! Ja bitte... bitte Erik, erzähl mir etwas...⁵"
And Erik told. He talked and talked, describing his day in great detail for hours. Concentrating on all the good things that happened: from the warmth of the morning sun to the delicious dinner in the evening. Gradually, the tension that had shackled Nicky released him and he joined the conversation, again starting to smile and laugh sincerely.
"Und was hast du gesagt?⁶"
"Wie du es gelehrt hast. Ich sagte: Weißt du überhaupt, mit wem du sprichst? Eigentlich bin ich derselbe Erik Klose und mein Freund sagt, dass ich der wunderbarste Mensch auf Erden bin und das Beste verdiene!⁷"
"Kann nicht sein! Ich glaube dir nicht⁸"
Nicky laughed, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t imagine his boyfriend answering someone like that.
"Nein, das habe ich getan!⁹"
Nicky knew exactly what Erik was trying to do, but he gave in, smiling and looking at the ceiling.
"Dafür bist du zu süß und bescheiden. Aber alles, was ich gesagt habe, ist wahr!¹⁰"
Erik laughed as well, exhaling.
"Wie geht es dir. Ich kenne keinen schöneren Menschen als dich, Nicky. Ich bin so glücklich, dass wir uns kennengelernt haben.¹¹"
"Ich vermisse dich so sehr, Erik.¹²"
"Ich vermisse auch. Nicky...ich kann dich nicht leiden sehen. Vielleicht ist es Zeit, nach Hause zu gehen?¹³"
"Ich möchte das wirklich, aber ich kann nicht. Du weißt, ich kann meine Brüder nicht verlassen...¹⁴"
Nicky objected quietly, almost not believing his own words.
"Dann komme ich zu dir.¹⁵"
"Was?!¹⁶"
From the surprise that pierced him, Nicky immediately sat up on the bed.
"In einer Woche habe ich ein Wochenende, ich werde mir noch ein paar Tage frei nehmen und zu Ihnen kommen.¹⁷"
"Ich liebe dich.¹⁸"
"Und ich liebe dich.¹⁹"
Nicky checked the time on his phone and gasped in shock, they had been talking for over 4 hours.
"Schrecklich! Ich habe gar nicht gemerkt, wie viel Zeit es schon war! Es muss so spät für dich sein.²⁰"
"Das ist nicht wichtig. Fühlst Du Dich besser?²¹"
"Ja. Nun freue ich mich auf Ihr Kommen. Gute Nacht liebe!²²"
"Gute Nacht Schatzi!²³"
When Nicky came out of the bedroom, he saw Kevin sitting on the couch, watching another game. He noticed his red eyes and asked quietly.
"Why do you humiliate yourself for them like that?"
"They need me."
Nicky whispered in response, frozen from the close attention to himself.
"You clearly need them more than they need you."
Kevin remarked astutely, not knowing that with his words he had put pressure on a sore wound. Nicky himself doubted his decision to stay more and more every day, but...
"We are family."
Nicky said firmly, trying more to convince himself of this than Kevin.
"And in a real family, no one ever leaves each other. None of us had such a family. The real one. I want them to have it. I want to build it with them."
"They will hurt you."
Kevin shook his head, turning back to the TV screen and not noticing how Nicky smiled sadly.
"I'm already used to it."
...
Despite everything, Nicky continued his attempts to establish contact with his cousins. He made Aaron peppermint tea because he had read that peppermint improves sleep, relieves stress, and helps to rid of headaches. And Aaron often suffered from all this while preparing for exams. Unfortunately, Aaron didn’t particularly like this kind of care from Nicky, and when he once again brought his cousin a mug of hot tea, talking about its beneficial properties, he pointedly poured it into the sink, saying that he didn’t drink such crap.
Nicky tried to talk to Andrew, but he either pretended he didn't exist or told him to fuck off.
Kevin watched this with sympathy and even pity, but did not try to interfere anymore.
Neil, also noticing the twins’ less than grateful attitude towards Nicky, tried to help. But his and Aaron's relationship was still too tense for a heart-to-heart conversation. And Andrew was not eager to listen to him, not seeing any problem. Neil, looking away, made excuses to Nicky, saying that he was not very good at family relationships and the like and left after Andrew.
"Hey Nicky, are you coming?"
Kevin called him while standing in the corridor. There was no one else there and Nicky realized with sadness that he was the only one who had apparently noticed his absence.
"The guys are already waiting in the car. I just decided to call you."
Kevin said shyly, pointing behind himself and confirming Nicky's thoughts.
"Go without me. I haven't gotten ready yet. I'll get there myself."
Nicky squeezed out. Kevin hesitated as if he wanted to say something, but changed his mind and turned to the door.
"OK. Be careful, okay?"
"Thank you!"
Nicky blurted out for some reason and shrugged his shoulders in embarrassment when Kevin looked at him incomprehensibly.
"I mean for calling... well, for everything I think. You're a great friend, Kev."
They were silent for several seconds. Nicky mentally scolded himself for his lack of restraint until Kevin finally nodded.
"OK. See you later?"
"Bye."
Nicky didn't know why, but he couldn't answer Kevin in kind, as if he wasn't sure if they'd see each other again.
Through the slightly open window in the kitchen, he heard the engine starting and the sound of tires, meaning that he was left alone. Again.
Nicky sat down on the sofa in the living room and stared at the wall, waiting for this terrible melancholy in his chest to pass.
Ding
Nicky blinked when a strange loud sound distracted him from his self-flagellation.
Ding Ding
Once again. Nicky realized that it was the phone ringing, which he had forgotten on the kitchen table and, wiping away the tears that had come from out of nowhere, he hurried towards the sound.
A familiar name glowed brightly on the display. Frau Klose, although she insisted on simply calling Martha, did not call him very often and Nicky frowned when he answered.
"Hello? Frau Klose?²⁴"
The fact that she did not correct him with a laugh, claiming that he was already part of the family and could address her by name was the first alarm bell.
"Nicky?"
The woman's voice was unrecognizable and Nicky instantly felt panic.
"Frau Klose? Was it passiert? Geht es dir gut?²⁵"
She sobbed loudly and took a deep breath and whispered.
"Nicky...Erik..."
No
No
No
"Erik hatte einen Unfall...²⁶"
NO
"Betrunkener Fahrer...²⁷"
The world around Nicky instantly lost its colors and dimmed, and he could not stay on his feet, falling to the floor with a roar. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and because of the noise in his ears, Nicky could hardly hear what Frau Klose was saying to him. But he was even grateful for it, he didn't want to know. Did not want. Please no. Don't say that.
"Erik ist vor einer Stunde gestorben...²⁸"
That's all.
Nicky's vision lost clarity and blurred. He trembled, but did not let go of the phone, clinging to it with a death grip. His head was spinning as he tried to process what he had just heard.
"Nein...²⁹"
He whispered, refusing to believe it. This was not true. Just a cruel joke. Erik promised to fly to him this week and Nicky planned the most romantic weekend: walks in the park, a trip to the lake, watching the sunrise...sex.
"No!"
He shouted. The voice came from the phone again, but Nicky couldn't make out a word.
He couldn't lose him. He couldn't lose him. Please, God, don't. Please, God, don't take him away.
Nicky hadn't prayed since he left his hometown for Germany that first time. But now he remembered all the prayers he knew, asking the God for just one favor. Let this all turn out to be a mistake. One giant and terrible misunderstanding.
Frau Klose said something else, but Nicky did not hear. He was too busy sliding to the floor and clutching his chest to ease the unbearable pain tearing him apart from the inside. Nicky felt like he was drowning, he wanted to scream, but he knew that as soon as he opened his mouth his lungs would fill with water and he would choke, dying in wild agony.
"Nicky! Nicky, kannst du mich hören?!³⁰"
Frau Klose screamed. Her voice rang out from the speakers throughout the kitchen, where Nicky, curled up in a ball, sobbed loudly on the floor.
Erik had an accident.
Erik was hit by a drunk driver.
Erik doesn't...
Erik didn't survive.
Erik is gone.
Air slowly returned to his lungs, and Nicky felt an unexpected surge of strength as his thoughts formed into a decision. His head was still spinning, and his body still seemed heavy, but Nicky, although staggering and clutching the table, was able to get to his feet.
"Nicky? Bitte, Liebes, antworte mir! Herr, Nicky, bitte schweige nicht!³¹"
Nicky cleared his throat and whispered, barely opening his mouth.
"Ich werde ihm sagen, dass du ihn sehr liebst. Auf Wiedersehen Martha.³²"
Nicky, not listening to the woman's frightened screams, hung up. For a moment he thought about what exactly he was going to do.
With the last of his strength, he dialed Aaron's number. Silence. Once again and again nothing. With trembling fingers, he pressed the end call and called Andrew, who he knew always carried a phone with him. He didn't pick up the phone. Again. After a few rings he hung up.
Nicky was filled with disappointment. He tried so hard to unite them. To be close to them, to create a real family for the twins. He tried to do everything as best as possible and tried to be better himself. But...perhaps even his best version will never be enough. Nicky will never be enough.
He placed the phone on the kitchen counter and saw the wooden stand for the Japanese knives that Kevin had bought. He brought this expensive set to the hostel just recently, claiming how good these knives are made from a special, more expensive and hard steel. In response to skeptical looks, Kevin only snorted and explained that these knives cannot be compared with their cheap European counterparts. Nicky mentally asked Kevin for forgiveness and pulled out a powerful carving knife with a thick spine and blade. Kevin said that this knife is called Deba and is used for cutting fish. It was not heavy as Nicky expected and fit perfectly into his hand.
Nicky pointed the blade at himself and froze. If he does this right here and now, he's sure there will be blood on the floor and his brothers and friends will have to clean up this whole mess after him. Nicky didn’t want to cause them even more trouble and resolutely grabbed the knife and quickly walked to the bathroom.
Quickly closing the drain at the bottom of the bathtub and turning on the ice water at full power, Nicky looked around. He threw several large soft towels directly onto the floor so that no one would slip when they pulled his dead body out of the water.
Nicky slowly took off his shoes, carefully placing them by the door. The preparations caused an unexpected surge of strength in him and Nicky asked himself.
"Why didn't I do this earlier?"
Nicky, still holding the knife that seemed unreasonably expensive in his hands, sank into the water without even feeling its temperature. For a second he felt scared. But he looked at himself in the mirror hanging opposite him and tears quietly flowed down his cheeks. But Nicky was no longer sad, these were not tears of sadness, these were tears of imminent freedom. There was nothing holding him here anymore. What could this world offer him? Cruelty, pain and loneliness? Friends who don't pay attention to him or brothers who hate him. Maybe they were all right, he is too loud and annoying. Everyone will be better off without him.
His heart was pounding as Nicky pressed the knife without hesitation, drawing a fatal line across his wrist. He had heard somewhere that to ensure you die you need to cut along the vein, not across it. Nicky didn't think anyone would miss him, but he didn't want them to wonder: "What if?" So he pressed with all his might, cutting through the skin and muscle as deep as he could.
Surprisingly, he wasn't scared at all. Or it hurts. Nicky always feared pain more than anything else in the world and still could not avoid it. But now he felt nothing but slight nausea, either from himself, or from the sight of blood flowing into the water and turning it pink. His favorite color.
Drop by drop, the pink tint of the water became brighter, and Nicky’s thoughts became slower. His hands no longer obeyed and he dropped the knife into the water, hoping that no one would get hurt when the time to get him came.
He got colder and Nicky began to tremble from exhaustion. He tried to warm up and hide from the cool air, plunging deeper into the actually icy water. Nicky thought he heard the phone ringing, but he no longer cared. Nicky's eyes slowly closed and his breathing slowed until the fog in his head finally swallowed him up, pulling him completely under the water.
...
Andrew watched as Kevin went a little crazy, glancing at his watch every now and then.
"What."
Unable to bear it he asked and Kevin shuddered.
"Nicky is still not here."
Kevin explained his strange behavior.
Aaron, hearing the conversation, snorted next to him, pricking a new portion of dinner onto his fork and putting it in his mouth, grinned.
"Yes? And I wonder why it’s so quiet here."
He responded sarcastically from his seat.
The rest of the Foxes joined in the general laughter. But Neil also frowned, glancing at the time and watching as Kevin tensed even more.
"What's wrong, Kev?"
"I don't know. Just a weird feeling. As if something bad was going to happen."
Allison chuckled unimpressed and pushed the brimming glass towards him.
"It’s your stupid sobriety that is scratching from the inside. Come on, let yourself go and have a drink with us."
"No I do not..."
Dan, as captain and their leader, took everything into her strong hands and also checked the time. She frowned at the numbers and looked around the team with a worried look.
"He’s really late, even for Nicky it’s too much."
She looked straight at the imperturbable twins, who were calmly eating dinner and not giving in to the onset of panic.
As if on purpose, precisely at this moment of general heightened interest in them, Aaron’s phone rang in his bag hanging in the corridor.
"It's probably Nicky."
Kevin said excitedly, expecting Aaron to go and get his phone to check it out. But he just shrugged, not intending to move.
"Maybe."
Neil joined Kevin and they were both looking at him expectantly.
"What? He's probably just calling to chat about nothing! Or some other bullshit."
The phone went silent and the call rang again. The senior students had already joined in the general excitement, persuading Aaron to answer.
Enough! It's like you don't know Nicky. He most likely simply cannot choose between a light pink T-shirt and the exact same one, but the color of ripe cherries. Score it.
Ding Ding
Now Andrew's phone began to ring, as always, lying in his jeans pocket. And everyone turned their expectant glances at him.
"Andrew, won't you answer?"
Neil asked tensely, not understanding why he still hadn’t picked up the phone. But Andrew was apparently irritated by the increased attention and the expectation that he would do as he was told.
"No."
Allison snorted, watching everyone's excitement, and drank another glass in one gulp.
"Nicky, as always, is terribly uncollected. He is already a big boy and can handle his problems on his own!"
The foxes, already accustomed to Nicky's strange behavior and absent-mindedness, agreed nervously, giggling. Everyone except Kevin. He still frowned while watching the twins and twirling his own phone in his hands, not daring to call.
"Let's forget about our problems for a while and relax?"
Matt asked smiling widely.
"Nicky is always fine, what could have happened?"
"He's not always doing fine."
Neil suddenly said quietly under his breath and caught the twins' eyes on him. They just shrugged their shoulders at this statement. Andrew's phone went silent and started ringing again.
"Shut up."
He chuckled and defiantly dropped the call.
The foxes gradually relaxed, agreeing that Nicky, even if something happened, could handle it on his own. But their calm did not last long, Andrew's phone rang again.
"Nicky again?"
Neil asked nervously clasping his hands, he would have called his friend himself if he had taken his phone. But unfortunately he remained in the hostel.
"No."
He responded gloomily, looking at the unknown number that was calling him hysterically. Andrew hung up and hung up, but the call was repeated again.
"Persistent."
Renee laughed nervously, trying to calm herself and the others.
"Maybe we should answer?"
Andrew rolled his eyes as Neil also joined the others in softly asking him for a favor.
"This could be something important."
"OK."
Andrew pressed accept and brought the phone to his ear.
"Hello?"
"Das ist Andrew. Sind Sie Andrew Minyard? Nicky Bruder?³³"
Someone shouted in German and the Foxes frowned, not understanding what the conversation was about. Aaron and Neil looked at each other, but Aaron only shrugged, not recognizing this woman's frightened voice.
"Wer ist das.³⁴"
Andrew demanded, unhappy that someone else knew him and his personal number.
"Du musst Nicky dringend finden. Gott. Ich glaube, ihm ist etwas passiert... er... hat sich von mir verabschiedet und jetzt kann ich ihn nicht erreichen!³⁵"
Andrew sat up straighter in his chair, losing his feigned calm.
"Was?³⁶"
"Erik. Mein Sohn Erik ist heute gestorben. Ich...ich habe angerufen, um es Nicky zu sagen...und...Du solltest nach ihm sehen, bevor es zu spät ist!³⁷"
Aaron didn’t wait for the conversation to end, jumping up from his chair and rushing to the front door. Andrew kept up with him, hanging up the call and snatching the car keys from his pocket.
The foxes looked at each other in confusion and were surprised to notice how Andrew’s hands were shaking.
Neil grabbed the keys from his weakened hands and, pressing on the gas with all his might, drove into the hostel.
None of them remembered this trip. The car was moving too slowly, as was the elevator, and they rushed to the stairs, afraid of being late.
However, when they finally ran into the dorm, practically breaking down the door, they were not prepared for what they saw.
"Nicky! Nicky!!!"
Aaron shouted as he looked around the dorm. Andrew followed on his heels and, looking into the kitchen, returned with Nicky’s phone in his hands.
Aaron's heart sank. The only unchecked room was the bathroom, where the light was on. He rushed there, knocking on the door.
"Nicky?! Are you there?"
Having received no answer, he tried to pull the handle, but nothing happened.
"Nicky, open the door!"
Aaron pounded on the door with all his might and pushed it with his shoulder to no avail, trying to break it down.
"Go away."
Andrew ordered and kicked the door hard, breaking the handle and knocking the fasteners out of the wall. Aaron pushed past his brother and ran into the bathroom.
The first thing Aaron noticed was that the faucet was on and the water was flowing in a continuous stream and was already overflowing.
Nicky lay motionless, too motionless, up to his neck in the red water. Red with blood.
Blood.
Aaron rushed towards him. His feet instantly became wet from the reddish water on the tiles flowing from the overflowing bathtub. He didn't slip only thanks to two already thoroughly wet towels thrown on the floor by someone's caring hand. But Aaron didn't even notice it. He fell to his knees, hitting the tile painfully and wetting his trousers, and tried to pull his cousin's body out of the water, calling him.
"NICKY! Come on!"
The water felt icy to the touch. How long has it been since they went out and left him alone? He didn't think it was that much. But to his horror, Aaron did not feel the usual warmth emanating from Nicky.
"You are okay!"
Aaron shouted looking into Nicky's empty face. His eyes were closed and his face relaxed, as if he had simply fallen asleep. And for the first time in a long time, Aaron looked at his brother carefully, noticing the dark circles under his eyes and the thin wrinkles between his eyebrows and in the corners of his lips. Nicky looked tired.
"Everything will be okay!"
He heard the pitter-patter of feet behind him, realizing it was probably Neil.
"We will help, do you hear me?"
Aaron said in a trembling voice, cupping Nicky's face with shaking hands and slapping his cheeks. His head shook a little from side to side due to the popping, but Nicky didn't react at all.
"Nicky! Oh my God!!!"
Aaron couldn't see their faces because of the tears blurring his eyes.
"He's not...he's alright! Everything is fine! All we need to do is...just someone call an ambulance. We need anambulance."
How Aaron whispered in delirium, not letting go of Nicky. But no one moved.
"Call the damn ambulance!"
"Aaron..."
He didn't know whose voice it was, but he shook his head wildly.
"No. No, he's fine. Just...please...Please!
Call the ambulance!"
After these words, suddenly someone’s strong hands pushed him out of the way and Aaron flew to the side, hitting the wall. But he did not feel pain and immediately jumped up, ready to fight with the one who tore him away from Nicky. But it was just Andrew. Andrew, with a wild look and trails of tears on his face, grabbed Nicky by the armpits and with difficulty, but pulled him out of the bathroom. It was not easy, even despite all his muscles and strong arms, Nicky lay like a dead weight in Andrew’s arms, and his wet clothes added even more weight to him. Andrew slipped, dropping his cousin onto the wet floor and immediately crouched down next to him.
"Neil, call 911!! Aaron, don't just stand there! Do something!"
Andrew shouted and tried to apply pressure to the deep cuts on Nicky's wrists. But his hands were slippery with blood.
"I can't stop it. I can't...He won't stop bleeding..."
Andrew whispered, panicking as even despite his efforts, thick and dark blood continued to flow out.
Aaron couldn’t move, he looked in shock at Nicky’s motionless body, hearing the loud screams of Neil talking to the 911 dispatcher out of the corner of his ear.
"Aaron! Help him! What should I...what should I do?!"
Andrew screamed helplessly, sinking deeper into panic. He didn't even notice the tears streaming down his cheeks until he saw them fall onto Nicky's face below him. Andrew tried to wipe them off, but only rubbed the still warm blood over his already cold cheeks.
"Don't do that. You're a fucking idiot."
Andrew shouted, hitting Nicky on the cheek to bring him back to his senses. But he didn’t move.
"Don’t you dare die or I’ll kill you myself. I'll fucking get you out of that world and cut your throat!!"
Aaron already knew that violent death threats were Andrew's way of saying: I'm worried about you. I do not want to lose you. I love you.
Watching his twin brother fall apart in front of him, he tried to pull himself together. Aaron sighed and tried to remember all the lectures and medical textbooks he had ever read. But all he saw was a huge amount of blood standing out like a bright spot in the white bathroom.
"So much blood, Andrew. Too much. The average adult has about 8 pints of blood in the body. I know that for sure."
Aaron whispered with lips white of fear and again looking around the bathroom and the floor, he tried to count how much Nicky’s blood was now around them.
"Here it’s about 40%. It's too much. More than 50% is already fatal blood loss. This means that he..."
"Aaron, shut up!"
Andrew interrupted him rudely.
"If you can't do anything, then shut up and move away."
But Aaron's brain was already attuned to all the medical knowledge he had acquired. As a brother, he was now useless to Nicky and he went into doctor mode.
"Belt!"
Aaron rushed towards them, remembering what to do when providing first aid.
"Andrew, take off your belt!"
Andrew blinked several times in shock, not understanding what was happening.
"What."
"We need a tourniquet! Right now!!"
Aaron shouted demandingly and extended his open palm forward. Andrew unquestioningly took out a thick leather belt from his jeans, passing it into his brother’s hands. Aaron also took off his and began to wrap Nicky hands with them.
"Venous blood rises from the peripheral vessels to the heart. In case of venous bleeding, a tourniquet is applied 1-2 inch below the wound. The main thing is not to crush the nerves. Don't get on the nerves."
Aaron whispered under his breath as he tied both of Nicky's hands with makeshift tourniquets. He waited a few seconds, watching as the blood stopped flowing, indicating that the tourniquet was properly applied. Aaron put two fingers to the terrible wound, first on his right and then on his left hand, checking that the pulsation was intact.
Andrew squeezed one of Nicky's palms, refusing to let go and looking at his brother demandingly.
"Good. Everything is correct. Now we need ice and any fabric."
Aaron exhaled as he explained. A few seconds later, Neil handed him several bags of frozen peas and two clean kitchen towels.
"There was only this in the freezer. But I can run to the neighbors if you need ice."
Neil said out of breath, clutching the phone in his hands.
"It's okay. We just need to cool it down."
Aaron handed one package to Andrew and showed him exactly how to wrap the package with cloth.
"Andrew, raise his left hand above heart. In case of venous bleeding, you need to raise the wounded limb upward."
It seemed like an eternity passed before they heard hurried footsteps in the distance. But none of them could move, they could hardly think about anything other than Nicky lying in front of them.
Andrew heard the sound of something heavy hitting the door and the slap of boots on the spilled water in the bathtub.
Someone pushed him in the side, but Andrew couldn't even be scared or angry at the unexpected touch. Without taking his eyes off Nicky's body, he staggered to the side and sat straight on the wet floor, squeezing his knees with his hands. Andrew felt movement nearby, and without even turning his head, he knew from the sound of crying that it was Aaron. Neil met and led the paramedics inside and froze near the door, not daring to take a single step inside, afraid to interfere them
Andrew watched intently as the doctors began a quick examination and prepared for resuscitation. He was shaking from the still lingering horror. Someone gently touched his hand and Andrew looked down and saw Aaron timidly squeezing his bloody fingers with his own. Normally Andrew would have laughed at him and pushed his hand away, but not today. Now he also needed support, so he accepted the touch and intertwined their hands, squeezing. Aaron exhaled and leaned back against the wall without taking his eyes off the working paramedics. After Nicky's icy, almost dead skin, Aaron's warm fingers seemed incredibly hot.
"Hypothermia!"
One of the paramedics shouted as he examined Nicky’s body and cut his wet T-shirt.
"Hypothermia is a condition of the body in which the body temperature drops. They urgently need to warm him up."
Aaron whispered to himself as he carefully watched the paramedics to make sure they were doing everything right. Andrew squeezed his fingers tighter, as if thanking him for the explanation.
"He's frozen!"
Another doctor fell next to Nicky's head while taking out an intubation kit.
"No pulse, no breathing, 4 on the Glasgow scale!"
Aaron gasped and Andrew tugged at his arm, demanding an explanation.
"This is a scale for assessing the condition. 4 is coma, 3 is terminal coma and brain death."
Andrew barely exhaled as the doctor inserted a special tube into Nicky's throat and now rhythmically squeezed the air tank, forcing him to breathe.
"God, look at his hands!"
Another exclaimed, removing the tourniquets and examining the deep wounds.
"Fill it with medical glue. If the guy survives, the hospital will sort it out."
Aaron sobbed: "if he survived"
If
"Body temperature is too low to try to start a heart, it needs to be warmed up. How long did he stay in the water?"
They shouted to them, but neither Andrew nor Aaron could answer. Neil stepped forward, quickly counting in his head how much time had passed since they left and then Nicky's call, which no one answered.
"About an hour, maybe an hour and a half."
The medic nodded, taking this information into account and took the catheter handed to him. But Nicky's hands were no longer good enough for this.
"There are no veins at all! I can't put in an IV!"
The phone rang and the twins shuddered in unison. Neil quickly responded, taking a step back into the living room.
"Kevin? No no Nicky...Kevin listen, Nicky cut his wrists."
Silence
"They're trying to save him."
They are trying to save him. Andrew had never been a big fan of hope, but now he was hopeful. Right before his eyes, emergency medical personnel fought to save his brother's life. They had already cut his T-shirt and, exposing his chest, poured some liquid directly on him. Andrew only realized what was happening when another medic picked up a defibrillator.
The medic counted under his breath and pressed two metal objects to Nicky's bare chest.
"One! Two! Three! Discharge!"
Nicky's body was thrown up. But the doctors did not look happy and repeated the procedure again.
"One! Two! Three! Discharge!"
And again.
"Discharge!"
And again.
"Discharge!"
Andrew closed his eyes, unable to watch how Nicky’s body shook under the influence of the current and how he thrashed on the tiles like a fish thrown ashore.
Suddenly it became quiet.
First Andrew heard Aaron's strangled gasp, and then his scream.
"NO!"
Aaron unclasped their hands, breaking free of their grip and jerked to the side. Andrew slowly opened his eyes and saw his twin fall sobbing loudly next to Nicky, clinging to him. The doctor sitting next to him sadly shook his head and put away the defibrillator. His partner looked at his handwatch and said loudly.
"Time of death 20.43"
"What."
Andrew managed to squeeze out, looking at the medic in disbelief.
"I'm very sorry, but he's already dead."
Nicky is dead.
Dead.
"No! Try again!"
Andrew shouted in disbelief, pointing to the bag with the defibrillator. But the medic just shook his head, extending his hand towards him in a calming gesture.
"Man, listen, it's useless..."
"No!"
Andrew could not cope with the emotions that gripped him: guilt, fear, horror and rage.
"No!"
Losing his temper, Andrew screamed and rushed to his dead...dead brother. He tried to move Aaron out of the way, but all he could do was push him aside.
"You can't die! Don't you dare to die! Get up!"
Andrew screamed at the top of his lungs, hitting Nicky's chest again and again in an attempt to start his heart.
"One. Two. Three."
He whispered frantically under his breath, pressing on Nicky’s chest and bending over, he exhaled into his mouth.
"Stop doing that."
Aaron whispered hoarsely next to him, but Andrew did not listen to him and continued to ineptly perform cardiac massage.
"Stop doing that! You're hurting him!"
Aaron screamed, choking back tears. When Andrew didn't listen to him and pressed down with all his might again, he heard a crunch. Aaron thought that something in him had broken. Otherwise, why did it hurt so much? He pushed Andrew's hands off Nicky's chest and fell on him, covering him with his body.
"He's dead! Enough! He's dead..."
Aaron whispered and began to sob even louder.
"Andrew"
Neil called quietly, coming closer, but didn't even try to touch him. Andrew's face was wet with sweat, blood and tears, but he didn't even notice it.
"I said no!"
Andrew screamed, hitting Nicky's chest with all his might and drawing another miserable cry from Aaron.
"Enough!"
But Andrew ignored them all, only his brother's frozen and cold body was in front of his eyes. Andrew is selfish, he always knew it and didn't even try to hide it. If Andrew decided that something or someone belonged to him, he would never let it go. And everything that he considered as his, Andrew kept to himself, tightly squeezing his fingers in a proprietary grip, sometimes breaking and leaving cracks. No one taught him how to be careful, Andrew was still learning it himself, with Neil, and that made it doubly offensive that he failed. Andrew's hands were shaking and it seemed to him that everything that was so dear to him was falling onto the cold hard ground. Time slowed down. Another second before the fall and everything would shatter into pieces. There would be no more hot mint tea and carefully prepared breakfast, no requests to turn on stupid music in the car during the trip to training and there would be no warm smiles and gentle touches when Nicky, thinking that he was sleeping, gently adjusted the blanket on Andrew. Andrew's heart sank and he lunged forward, falling painfully and scraping his knees until they bled, to prevent the fall of the most precious thing he had. And let the chips and cracks remain, Andrew convulsively held the face of one of the people closest to him in his hands and prayed to God, in whom he did not believe, to return his brother to him... to return Nicky to him.
Nicky, who made a quiet, barely audible sigh. His lips were still cold and deathly blue, but they were slightly open and Andrew, without shame, cried from the relief that engulfed him. It was a real sigh. Andrew leaned lower, letting a light breath touch his tear-stained cheek in confirmation.
"Oh, Nicky..."
Andrew pressed his trembling, frozen from horror and cold fingers to Nicky's neck, searching for a pulse. He waited a few more seconds, which stretched like hours, to make sure that the weak heartbeat was again under his fingertips.
"Get away!"
He was pushed out of the way and into Neil's warm embrace, and Neil whispered softly, "Yes or no?", but Andrew was already clutching his hand with trembling fingers. The medics worked quickly, hooking Nicky up to oxygen and securing bandages. They shouted at each other incomprehensible terms and sets of numbers that Andrew didn't understand. An IV, a heart rate monitor, and something else were emerging from a large suitcase, giving Andrew hope.
All this commotion meant that Nicky's heart was beating. It meant that he was still alive and still fighting. There were so many feelings that Andrew wasn't sure if he had ever felt so much in his life. Maybe when he was a child, feeling someone else's touch, or when Neil disappeared, leaving behind only a bag and a phone with the message "0". It seemed like endless tears were blurring his vision and the image of Nicky with an oxygen mask on his face and the paramedics bustling around him. Andrew didn't even have the strength to be angry at them anymore for not trying CPR again like he told them to. None of it mattered anymore, as long as Nicky was breathing weakly, nothing mattered anymore. Andrew closed his eyes, listening to Neil's quiet voice behind him.
"You did it, Andrew. Look, he's breathing on his own again. He hasn't regained consciousness yet. They're going to keep him stable and send to the hospital for further treatment."
Andrew's tired brain slowly processed this information and squeezing his fingers tighter on Neil's bicep, he wheezed.
"Aaron..."
Neil made a sound of understanding and the warmth behind him disappeared, returning the terrible cold. But it didn't last long, very soon Aaron, covered in Nicky's blood, fell with a crash into the pink water on the tiles next to Andrew. His face was covered in tears and he was shaking so hard that Andrew let go of his own anxiety for a second and focused on Aaron. Apparently the fear of losing one brother affected him so much, in any case Andrew would never talk about it and would deny any rumors, but he reached forward and pulled Aaron to himself in one movement. In fact, Andrew did not remember if he had ever hugged him, probably not, he allowed himself this gesture of open tenderness only this year with Neil.
"Thank you..."
Aaron sobbed breathlessly somewhere into his armpit.
How wonderful and how terrible this hug felt. It was wet, cold and Aaron felt like he was wiping his snot on him, but still, Andrew had never had anything better than this hug. Because at that moment, while he was holding his little brother in his arms, his older brother opened his eyes.
Nicky's eyelids fluttered as he blinked his bleary eyes, trying to look around.
"That's it kiddo, that's it, wake up."
One of the paramedics said, patting Nicky's cheek lightly while the other tried to find a suitable vein in his legs. Not the best or most pleasant place to insert a catheter, but it was their best chance of getting him to the hospital alive.
"Hey, I think someone would be glad to see you."
The paramedic turned to them and waved his hand, explaining.
"He needs to stay conscious. You need to talk to him."
Andrew tried to get up, but Aaron was clearly out of his mind, shaking from another wave of wild hysteria that had washed over him. And Andrew didn't think he could squeeze out a single swear word, and he wasn't sure Nicky would be helped if he started swearing at him now. Suddenly it was Neil who stepped forward, leaving the two brothers behind and sitting down in front of Nicky so as not to block Andrew's view of him. He knew very well that Andrew needed this control now.
Neil felt the paramedic's surprised gaze on him, clearly expecting one of the twins to want to be nearby. But Neil didn't even look at him, focusing only on how suddenly the dark eyes, reddened from recent tears, opened, the eyes of Nicky. Alive.
Neil never understood suicides, he tried so hard to survive that he forgot what it was like to see the only way out in death.
Nicky's brown eyes were now somehow dull and seemed to be covered in a fog that reminded Neil that just a second ago Nicky had not been in this world at all. The paramedic nudged him in the shoulder and Neil shuddered greatly, remembering why he had come here.
"Nicky?"
Neil called quietly, barely louder than a whisper. He tried to think of something to say, watching as Nicky winced as the IV needle slipped out of his vein again, eliciting a swear word from the paramedics.
"Nicky, can you hear me? I need you to stay awake."
"Mmm..."
Neil, even after listening, couldn't tell if Nicky was trying to say anything specific, and spoke quickly just in case.
"It's me, Neil, Andrew and Aaron are here too. The doctors just need you to stay awake for another minute."
Nicky blinked slowly, and when his eyes opened again, they darted lazily around the room, never settling on anything until they found Neil's worried face.
"S..le..p?"
Nicky croaked unintelligibly from behind the mask and whimpered painfully when the doctors finally managed to find a suitable vein and they inserted the needle, securing it with a bandage.
"No, Nicky, we need you to stay awake, at least for a little while. We're going to help you, okay?"
Neil asked him, raising his hands over Nicky hesitantly, not knowing if he could touch him. Nicky winced.
"N..n.., d..n..do'n...t.."
Nicky's eyes closed again before Neil could process his terrible words. But before he could call his friend again, another paramedic began to straighten the stretcher and together they transferred the unconscious Nicky onto it.
"Great job. We're taking him to the hospital."
Neil watched in slow motion as the ambulance doctors carried Nicky out of the bathroom. He looked around: the bathtub was still filled with eerily pink water. There were thawed bags of frozen peas and blood-soaked towels on the floor.
Neil looked down at his hands, covered in blood, in surprise. He panicked for a moment, his breathing quickening as he tried to remember when he could have gotten his friend's blood on himself. His panic was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
Neil looked up. Or down, to be precise.
Holding Aaron's shoulder, who had calmed down a little bit, Andrew put his other hand on Neil's sholder. They both looked as sick as Neil felt, and Nicky wasn't his brother. Without the adrenaline from trying to keep his friend alive and calm his boyfriend down, Neil suddenly got sick. Breaking free of Andrew's grip, he turned to the toilet, ripped off the lid, and spat his dinner into it.
Nicky hadn't eaten dinner tonight. Neil's dinner arrived while he was sitting at the table with his friends at Abby's. He ate it while Nicky tried to kill himself all alone.
Neil threw up again. There was no point in denying it any longer. Nicky had tried to kill himself.
Andrew's hand slid down his back as he tried to catch his breath, squeezing the back of his head. Neil wasn't the one who needed comforting, but Andrew didn't seem to have the energy for words. Neil thought bitterly about what Nicky had said before he blacked out again.
"Don't."
As if Neil had offered to save him.
"Don't."
As if Andrew and Aaron wouldn't try their best to stop him.
Neil took another breath, steeling himself and fumbling in his pocket for his car keys. Andrew needed him now. So he squeezed Andrew's shoulder and tried not to think about anything except his next move.
"We need to get to the hospital. I'll text the others on the way."
Together they walked to the door, trying not to think about the fact that Nicky could have died here today.
Neil closed the door behind him, shutting himself out from the room that smelled of blood, fear, and vomit.
They didn't offer to save him. But they all left him when he needed them most. Well, tomorrow the sun will rise and they will try again. And who knows, maybe they can become a family?
...
¹ Hello! Nicky, are you there, my love?
² I'm here. Talk to me, honey. What happened?
³ I can't...I can't...
⁴ Shhh Shhh I’m here, love. Do you want me to talk? Do you want to listen to my voice while you calm down? Mm?
⁵ Yes! Yes please...please, Erik, tell me something...
⁶ And what did you say?
⁷ As you taught. I said: do you even know who you’re talking to? I’m actually Erik Klose and my boyfriend says that I’m the most wonderful person on earth and deserve the best!
⁸ It can’t be! I don’t believe you!
⁹ No, that's what I did!
¹⁰ You are too sweet and modest to do this. But everything I said is true!
¹¹ Like you. I don’t know a more beautiful person than you, Nicky. I’m so lucky that we met.
¹² I miss you so much, Erik.
¹³ And I miss you. Nicky...I can’t watch you suffer. Maybe it’s time to go home?
¹⁴ I really want this, but I can’t. You know I can’t leave my brothers...
¹⁵ Then I will come to you myself.
¹⁶ What?!
¹⁷ In a week I will have a weekend, I will take a couple more days off and come to you.
¹⁸ I love you.
¹⁹ And I love you.
²⁰ What a horror! I didn’t even notice how much time it was already! It must be so late for you.
²¹ It doesn't matter. Are you feeling better?
²² Yes. Now I will look forward to your arrival. Good night, dear!
²³ Good night, my love!
²⁴ Hello? Mrs. Klose?
²⁵ Mrs. Klose? What happened? Are you okay?
²⁶ Erik had an accident...
²⁷ Drunk driver...
²⁸ Erik died an hour ago...
²⁹ No...
³⁰ Nicky! Nicky, can you hear me?!
³¹ Nicky? Please, dear, answer me! God, Nicky, please don’t be silent!
³² I will tell him that you love him very much. Goodbye, Martha.
³³ This is Andrew. Are you Andrew Minyard? Nicky's brother?
³⁴ Who is this.
³⁵ You urgently need to find Nicky. Lord. I think something happened to him... he... said goodbye to me and now I can’t reach him!
³⁶ What?
³⁷ Erik. My son Erik died today. I...I called to tell Nicky...and...You should check on him before it's too late!