Chapter Text
Erik shifts uncomfortably in his seat as he watches the slightly blurry image of the trees passing outside the bus window. The various empty branches and the warm hues of the remaining leaves signal the fast-approaching conclusion of autumn. If he were to lean fully against the window, Erik’s sure he could see the leaves shuffling on the ground as the bus speeds down the street toward Long Island University (LIU). Unfortunately, Erik thinks as he shifts in his seat again, the scenery does little to aid in his attempts to focus on the impending game or to distract him from the whirlwind of thoughts circling through his head.
“Stop that,” Julius says from the seat next to him, hunched over his phone, engaged in his own pregame ritual of playing solitaire.
“I’m not doing anything,” Erik replies, moving to reposition himself again.
“You’re fidgeting. And acting all grumpy and upset. It’s annoying.”
Erik resists the urge to shift again, reaching up to adjust his headphones instead. He needlessly fiddles with the cushions already fit snugly over his ears, before closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the seat. “I’m not. I’m just getting mentally prepared for the game.”
“Sure.”
Erik doesn’t have to open his eyes to see that Julius is losing patience with him.
It’s the day of the final game of the conference tournament. The game that decides if the team gets to play in the NCAA championship tournament. It’s also the first game since their starting goalie got injured. Erik’s spent most of the day, and the ongoing bus ride, in a state of distress, hence Julius’s irritation.
He turns in his seat again, letting out a loud sigh, which results in Julius shoving his own phone in Erik’s hand and pulling his headphones off in one swift motion.
Erik almost drops the phone, but quickly recovers, turning to scowl at his teammate. “What are you doing?”
Julius is holding out his own headphones, seemingly ready to force them into Erik’s hands next. “I’m trying to focus and you’re being all,” he gestures at Erik, making an annoyed noise, “ugh, just take these.”
“What? Why?”
Julius gestures at the phone sitting in Erik’s hands. “Someone wants to talk to you.”
Erik flips the phone over, finally getting a good look at the screen, where Mathias is waiting on facetime, talking inaudibly. Mathias’s face is too close to the camera for Erik to see his surroundings, but he can hear the murmur of students moving around the dining hall in the background as he takes the headphones from Julius and slips them on.
“Erik?” Mathias is saying. “Can you hear me?”
“Hey,” Erik says, settling into his seat, feeling much more comfortable than moments before. “How are you—I thought you had to work tonight?”
“I do.” Mathias pulls the camera away from his face, showing off the apron he’s still wearing. There’s a sauce stain sitting just below his name tag, surrounded by several dark spots, which Erik assumes are the result of grease splatter. It’s one of the things Erik’s noticed. Despite Synnøve’s ability to make it through a shift unsoiled, Mathias always seems to leave work covered in grease stains. It’s happened often enough that Erik’s begun to associate the greasy, pizza smell of the dining hall with Mathias. Probably not the most pleasant smell to be associating him with, but Erik can’t be bothered to care when it’s become another one of those endearing things about the other boy that inexplicably brings a smile to his face.
“Julius texted me,” Mathias continues, “and things are a little slow right now, so Andreas let me take my break early. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” He’s not. He’s really not. But he can’t tell Mathias that, because then he’d have to admit that the game isn’t the only thing he’s been nervous about lately.
In the almost three weeks since Halloween, Erik’s been thinking pretty consistently about making things official with Mathias. They’re together, of course, and all their friends know. But Erik’s been considering asking him on a proper date, so that they can do something other than just make out in one of their dorm rooms. He wants to pick Mathias up outside his dorm. And hold his hand as they walk across campus. And kiss the smile off Mathias’s face when he inevitably says or does something cute that lights Erik’s heart on fire. And, maybe, at the end of the night, take him back to his dorm. And, yes, probably make out with him some more, before falling asleep together, feeling dizzy with want but mostly satisfied knowing Mathias will be the first thing he sees when he wakes up the next morning.
Basically, he wants to do all the things he knows he can’t. Because as much as he likes Mathias, and wants for him and wants to be with him, he’s not sure he can risk taking things further. He’s already broken all of his rules by letting Mathias slide his way into his life, and, more importantly, into his heart. He won’t risk a repeat of the year before, but he also doesn’t want to risk losing what they have. At this point, he’s not sure which would be worse. Losing Mathias or losing another team.
Since this thing between them started, Erik’s been taking all of their moments together and attempting to lock them in a box hidden deep inside a room in the confines of his heart. But as his feelings continue to grow, the walls storing them away seem to be falling apart.
Which is exactly the reason why he was scared to start something with Mathias in the first place.
So, no. He’s not fine. He’s worried and nervous and panicked and scared that the person in his life who brings him the most joy could at any moment be taken away. It’s been an added stressor, to say the least. Erik hasn’t voiced this to Julius, but he’s sure that he knows. He’s also sure Julius knows that the only thing that seems to calm him down lately is Mathias. Which is probably why Julius texted him in the first place.
Erik lets out another heavy sigh, letting his true emotions wash over his face and allowing Mathias to peek in through one of the many growing cracks in the walls he built up over the past year. “Can you just sit here with me for a minute?” he asks softly. “Tell me about your day.”
Mathias obliges and Erik closes his eyes, loosely following along as Mathias relays the call he had with Sara that morning, and he only relaxes the longer Mathias’s voice filters through the headphones and into his ears.
It would be helpful to start keeping little voice notes from Mathias to listen to whenever he’s upset, he thinks. They probably wouldn’t be as soothing for anyone else, but just the sound of Mathias’s voice is enough to goad the tension out Erik’s body. He can feel the worry in his shoulders dissipate as the strain behind his eyes and the anxiety tugging at his heart seem to lighten their pull, until he’s almost at peace. Almost as if Mathias’s voice opens the lid to a jar that magically drains the stress out of his bones.
Mathias is halfway through an explanation of an inside joke that involves Sara’s and his friend group dynamic in high school, when Erik hears Synnøve calling out to him in the background.
“Hey,” Mathias says, sadly. “I think I have to go back to work.”
Erik blinks out of the slight daze he’d managed to fall into. “Okay.”
“Sorry I couldn’t talk longer,” says Mathias, worrying at his bottom lip. “Want me to pick you up from your bus when you all get back later?”
“Please.”
“I’ll be there.” Mathias beams, and judging from the small picture he can see of himself in the corner of the screen, Erik looks just as besotted. Mathias lets out a final, “Good luck with your game,” before hanging up.
Erik slips the headphones off to pass them back to Julius, who’s staring toward the front of the bus and picking idly at his thigh.
When Julius turns around, he pins Erik with a smug grin. “Feeling better?”
Erik says, “No.” Just to be petty.
“You’re welcome.” Julius replies, taking his things. “But you better wipe that smile off your face, you make it so obvious that you’re in lo—“
“Oh, shut up.” Erik slips on his own headphones, filtering out Julius’s laughs as he queues up his pre-game playlist.
So what if he spends the rest of the bus ride smiling to himself.
The game is tough.
They’re playing the LIU Sharks, the number one team in their conference. They faced off once before, in late September, but Erik didn’t play and film could only teach him so much. Even anticipating their overly aggressive offense, he isn't fully prepared. Which is how they end up scoring on him twice within the first fifteen minutes of the game.
Erik’s nerves scream at him, but he digs his heels in as his teammates are, thankfully, able to pick up his slack, tying the game just before the end of the first half. They carry their momentum into the second period, and when Tony successfully steals the ball on the first play, they’re able to convert the turnover into a fast break and score.
With the help of his teammates, Erik manages to protect their lead until the end of regulation. When the referee blows the final whistle of the game, Erik feels tired and boneless in a way that reminds him of the exhaustion he felt when he first began playing the sport at a competitive level. It reminds him of the joy he used to feel when playing, before his love for the game and playing on a team became clouded by the memory of his teammates attacking him. It’s all he can do to fall to his knees and smile at the sight of the scoreboard which reads Home 2 - Guest 3, displaying definite proof of their victory.
As Julius, trailed by a few of their other teammates, including Tony, runs toward the goal to celebrate the win, Erik relishes in the feeling of camaraderie, of being on a team and winning together. It’s a feeling he’s been missing out on in his attempts to distance himself from his teammates. One that, before this moment, he wasn’t aware of how much he missed, but that forces him to realize he hasn’t felt this much joy on a football field in a long time. The only recent memory that comes close to it is of his time kicking the ball around with Mathias. That thought propels him to make a decision that could probably be considered impulsive, but that he knows he won’t regret if he follows through with it.
He contains his excitement as he makes his way through shaking hands with the other team, before rushing to the locker room ahead of his teammates. He showers in what is probably considered record time, before collecting his things and beelining to the hallway outside the locker room as the last of his teammates are still filtering in.
He turns on his phone to a few texts from Mathias, congratulating him on the win and letting him know he was able to catch the stream of the second half, before navigating to his contacts to call his mom. She’d made him promise during their last conversation to call her after the game, despite the late hour for her.
She answers his call after only a couple rings, with a tinge of apprehension in her voice that he can hear clear as day through the phone. “How did it go?”
He feigns disappointment for a few moments, holding her in suspense, before breaking out into a full smile. “We won! I let two goals in, in the first period, but we won!” He enthusiastically launches into a full on rant of the game, and he’s so caught up in his own excitement that it takes him a few seconds to notice that she hasn’t responded.
“Mom?” he asks, pulling the phone away from his ear to check that it’s still connected. “Are you still there?”
“Yes.” She says, and Erik believes he can hear the distinct sound of a small sniffle. “Sorry. You’re just so happy. I haven’t heard you this excited after a game since”—she takes a brief pause, but dutifully skirts around talking about the incident—"Since you were younger. I just needed a moment to take it in. I’m so happy you were able to win tonight.”
His excitement bubbles down to a soft, secretive smile before he lets out his response, as he once again finds himself thinking of Mathias and all the joy he’s helped bring back into his life lately. “Thanks, mom.”
“How is everything else going?” she asks. “School? Have you made any new friends?”
He’s held back from telling her about Mathias until this point. Not for fear that she would react badly—he’s fully confident that she would be supportive, possibly even overjoyed that he’s found someone and no longer isolating himself from the world—he’s simply been scared to pop the secretive little bubble their relationship has found a place to exist in here on campus. Until now, telling her has felt too real, especially when he’s been so unsure of the direction they’re heading.
“Well…I–um.” He glances around the hallway, and more intensely at the locker room doors mere feet away from him. “Hold on, one second.”
He slinks off down the hall, further away from the bustling sounds of his teammates celebrating the win in the locker room, up the stairs and through the double doors which lead to the parking lot where the team’s bus is idling by the curb. There are a few people outside, audience members from the game taking their leave, but Erik moves to stand in the quiet pocket of space where the building intersects with itself perpendicularly, far enough away from any doors and any stragglers in the parking lot that he feels safe enough to speak freely.
“I may have met someone,” he says to his mom, once he’s taken up position, perched against one of the building’s walls. He waits for her response as he hears her take a sharp intake of breath on the other side of the line. Clearly, these words were the last thing she was expecting.
“Really?” She says, hesitantly, her worry apparent in her voice. “Are they…” She trails off. And even though she doesn’t finish the sentence, Erik knows exactly what she wants to ask: Are they a boy or a girl?
“His name’s Mathias,” he answers, quietly.
“Are you guys together?”
“Not officially.” He pauses for a moment, hesitating, before continuing, “but I’m planning on asking him out officially tonight. When we get back to school.”
“Oh, Erik.” She says, and he can hear once more the sound of her voice starting to waver. “I’m so proud of you, that's great news.”
They chat for a few more minutes, Erik obliging his mom when she asks for details regarding how he and Mathias met, until his teammates begin emerging from the building.
“Mom,” he says, interrupting her continued barrage of questions. “I have to go. We’re about to board the bus.”
“Okay, but I expect to hear more about this boy of yours soon.”
“Okay, I promise. Love you.”
“I love you, Erik. Speak to you soon.”
They hang up and Erik quickly joins his team, filing in line to board the bus where he finds Julius already waiting for him in their seat.
“Where’d you sneak off to?” Julius eyes him as he sits in the aisle seat.
“Nowhere.”
“So I’m to believe that dopey grin on your face has nothing to do with Mathias?”
He didn’t realize how hard he was smiling, and he quickly diminishes it a respectable amount to hopefully avoid more teasing. “It doesn’t.”
“Sure,” Julius over-exaggerates the last letter and rolls his eyes. He shoves his bag under the seat before scrunching up his sweatshirt to be used as a pillow against the bus window. “Now, shut up so I can get some sleep.”
Erik shakes his head at him, before sliding on his headphones and getting comfortable to take a nap of his own.
When they arrive at the school nearly 3 hours later, it’s almost midnight.
After a final announcement from Coach, they grab their stuff and shuffle off the bus. As promised, Mathias is waiting for him when he departs. His hair is smudged, like he just rolled out of bed to come meet him, but he’s donning one of his many sweatshirts and a smile.
Erik’s halfway to him, grin splitting his own features, when Tony calls out his name.
“Hey!” Tony yells. “Wait up.”
Erik turns to face him, but doesn’t answer.
“Hey,” Tony repeats as he stops in front of Erik.” I noticed you didn’t reply in the group chat.”
“Oh.” Erik instinctively pulls his phone out of his pocket, peering at the screen as if a notification from the group will appear. But it doesn’t, because he has that chat muted. The same way he has for months. If anything important happens, Julius usually lets him know. “Sorry?”
“No worries. I just wanted to invite you to the team’s Thanksgiving dinner. We throw one every year, but we’re thinking of doing it especially big this year since we made it into the championship tournament. Can you come?”
“Thanksgiving,” Erik repeats. He knows what it is. Vaguely. He isn’t oblivious to the nearly week-long break from classes that will occur to allow students and faculty to travel home and celebrate—even if he himself won’t be able to travel home during that time—and he’s seen the traditionally large and elaborate dinner spreads Americans prepare for the holiday online and in movies. That doesn’t stop him from being surprised by the invite.
“Yeah,” Tony responds. “You know, like turkey day? No one on the team can cook all that well, but we usually come together and have a big dinner and by the end of the night it just turns into this big party.” He pauses and his attention shifts away for a moment before he continues, a bit of a smile spreading across his face. “I know you said you aren’t very social, but would it help if I told you that you can invite people? You could totally bring your boyfriend. Or some other friends if you want.”
Tony keeps talking, but Erik freezes as his words echo in his brain.
Boyfriend, Erik thinks.
He takes a step back.
He just said boyfriend.
“Wait,” Erik interrupts. “What did you just say?”
“About the potluck? We have a list of foods that people are bringing, I can send it to you.”
“No, before that. I mean about…” Erik takes a moment to breathe. His tongue feels dry in his mouth. “You said that I could bring my boyfriend?” He tries not to let his voice crack on the last word, but fails miserably as the panic rising inside him only seems to soar as he repeats the word out loud.
“Oh.” Tony pauses, confusion snaking across his features before he continues. “Yeah, it’s totally cool man. I mean, he seemed cool when we ran into each other on Halloween. Although, he was kind of staring at me a little weirdly. Honestly, he kinda is now too.”
Tony lets out a laugh, but Erik can barely hear it over the ringing in his ears.
“Wait—Is everything okay?” Tony glances past Erik, in Mathias’s direction again. “Is this about…?”
Erik stares at him, the panic completely setting in. He takes another step back.
Tony matches his step, inching towards him with his hands out, but pulls back as realization seems to dawn on him. “Fuck. Hey. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that. I haven’t told anyone and I won’t. I should’ve known better than to—Fuck. I’m sorry. I just saw you guys at that party and connected the dots. I don’t think anyone else on the team knows, but if anyone says anything, just tell me and I’ll handle it. Okay?”
Erik lets out a strangled noise. “I have to go,” is all he manages to say.
He turns and walks straight over to where Mathias is still waiting for him. In between shallow breaths, he chokes out, “I need—“
“Home?” Mathias interrupts him, reaching for his bag. “Let’s go.”
It’s a blatant gesture of consideration and understanding, that Mathias knows exactly what he needs before Erik could even attempt to fumble through communicating it. One that Erik would probably be able to appreciate a lot more, if not for the state he’s currently in.
He manages to keep it together until they make it to Mathias’s room. At which point, he completely breaks down.
It’s not graceful, and it’s probably more than a little pathetic, but he latches onto Mathias as soon as he’s closed the door. They slide to the floor, Mathias’s back against the door as he pulls Erik to his chest. They stay that way until Erik’s sure he can breathe again, when the pressure building in his chest and the sirens blaring in his ears have dulled to a murmur and he feels well enough to let go of Mathias long enough to climb into bed.